A seizure salad.
(It was suggested to post this here from r/jokes)
Submitted August 01, 2017 at 01:45AM by Isitfortytwo
A seizure salad.
(It was suggested to post this here from r/jokes)
...It was Mooch ado about nothing.
But now I'm clean.
(If this gets at least 500 upvotes I'll die a happy man)
Edit: HOLY CRAP I DID NOT EXPECT TO GET 50+ upvotes
Edit 2: WHAT THE HELL HOW AM I AT 400+ upvotes
"The shit would really hit the van then". snort
On one hand, you get to wear a pretty cool ring.
On the other hand, you don't.
I just found out this morning I’m on day 3 of an argument I didn’t know I was having.
"That I am"
"Well I''l be, let's have a whiskey! Where are you from?"
"Me too!, That calls for another drink: Bartender!"
"Where in Dublin", says the other feller
"Fuck Me! I went to school right there on Milligan Street"
"So did I! That calls fer another drink!"
"who was yer teacher?"
"Holy Mother of God, she taught me too! Bartender, another round if you please"
At that point another man enters the bar and sits at the other end.
The bartender approaches him, and he says "Evening, John, anything new going on?"
The bartender replies " Not really, just the Kelly twins getting drunk again..."
That's how I roll.
The host asks him, "And what are you?" The guy says, " I'm a snail." The host says "And who's that on your back?" "That's Michelle!"
The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.
For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, then the driver said "Please, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me." The passenger, who was also frightened, apologised and said he didn't realise that a tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much, to which the driver replied: "I'm sorry, it's really not your fault at all. Today is my first day driving a cab. I have been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."
He said, "No Comments"
Why did I get divorced? Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn't wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my colleagues didn't wish me a happy birthday. As I entered my office, my secretary said, "Happy birthday, boss!" I felt so special. She asked me out for lunch. After lunch, she invited me to her apartment. We went there and she said, "Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?" "Okay," I said. She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends, & my colleagues all yelling, "SURPRISE!!!" while I was waiting on the sofa... naked.
Okay so let me start out by saying when telling this joke, you insert the name of the person you are telling it too. For this joke I will use the name John Johnson as it is the most generic name I can think of. Now for the joke.
Three men were standing in a bar, making small talk. The first guy says "guys my hands are so tiny, I must have the smallest hands in the world!"
The second guy, not wanting to be outdone, says "Well my feet are minuscule! I know I have the smallest feet in the world!"
The third guy, a little hesitant, says "guys... I think I have the smallest penis in the world."
They decide to make the trip together to the World Record Measuring studio.
The first guy goes in, and comes out with a certificate stating he has the smallest hands in the world. "See! I told you I had the smallest hands in the world!"
The second guy goes in, and he also comes out with a certificate. " I knew it! My feet are the smallest in the world!"
The third guy goes in, but does not come out with a certificate. Instead he yells "WHO THE FUCK IS JOHN JOHNSON?!"
A teacher says "Spit out the gum!" A train says "Chew! Chew!"
Ye, courtesy of my 8 year old daughter.
When he sees a driver fail to stop at a Stop sign.
He chases after the guy and pulls him over.
Officer: "Sir. Do you know why I pulled you over?"
Officer: "You failed to stop at the Stop sign back there."
Driver: "I slowed down, what's the big difference?"
The Officer drags the man out of his car, pulls out his baton and starts beating the shit out of him while yelling:
"DO YOU WANT ME TO SLOW DOWN OR STOP?"
I don't know but the flag is a big plus
Friggin' spoiled brats
One day at the end of class, little Johnny's teacher asks the class to go home and think of a story to be concluded with the moral of that story. The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story.
Little Suzy raises her hand. "My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road."
When the teacher asked for the moral of the story, Suzy replied, "Don't keep all your eggs in one basket."
Little Lucy went next. "My dad owns a farm too. Every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only eight of the 12 eggs hatched."
Again, the teacher asked for the moral of the story.
Lucy replied, "Don't count your chickens before they hatch."
Next up was little Johnny. "My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war, and his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed but could only take a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down, he drank the case of beer. Then he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but then he ran out of bullets! So he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. Then the blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands."
The teacher looked a little shocked. After clearing her throat, she asked what possible moral there could be to this story.
"Well," Johnny replied, "Don't fuck with Uncle Ted when he's been drinking."
"Let's go to your place." Said a fat girl.
"I would love to, but i don't have any lubricant"
"I don't think it's necessary, i'm not that tight" says the girl while smiling.
"Maybe you're not, but my door is."
Three men joined the Manliest Man Ever contest, the one who passed 3 rooms will get the award: - First room: 10 barrels of best wine - Second room: 10 times with a very hot model - Third room: 10 hours with a tiger.
The first guy goes with the girl room, and after 8 times, he quit. The second guy goes with the tiger, and after 8 hours, he quit.
The last guy said "f**k the contest, I will try the wine first", the he goes to the first room. After 10 barrels, he somehow managed to go to the tiger room. 10 hours later, he came out, and said
"Hell of a night man. Now, show me the tiger room"
Two priests are off to the showers late one night. They undress and step into the showers before they realize there is no soap.
Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering to dress. He grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand, and heads back to the showers.
He is halfway down the hall when he sees three nuns heading his way. Having no place to hide, he stands against the wall and freezes like he's a statue. The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks.
The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls on his manhood. Startled, he drops a bar of soap. "Oh look" says the first nun, "it's a soap dispenser". To test her theory the second nun also pulls on his manhood. Sure enough, he drops the second bar of soap.
Now the third nun decides to have a go. She pulls once, then twice and three times but nothing happens. So she gives several more tugs, then yells "Holy Mary, Mother of God, HAND LOTION TOO!"
I said, "Well that's a little con-descending."
After jumpstarting my friend's car, I removed the cables and said there'd be no extra charge.
Three brothers owned a prized horse. One day when the brothers were checking in, they found the horse was dead. So they prayed the whole morning asking god to bring back the horse. Suddenly, a fairy appeared.
Fairy: I can bring back the horse but on one condition, at least one of you have to satisfy me with a really good fucking.
The 2nd brother(2nd by age) went first. He inserted his weiner and started fucking her. She was far from being satisfied instead she was bored.
Then came the oldest brother, a known womaniser. He was better than his younger brother, but still too far from satisfying her.
Finally, it was the turn of the youngest brother. He pulled out his dick and started fucking her. To everyone's surprise the fairy started moaning with joy within some seconds into action as that was the best sex she ever had. After a hour he was still going on but the fairy started moaning roughly and was so exhausted that she had to be separated by the other brothers to save her from any damage.
The fairy was more than satisfied.
Then impressed by his brother, the eldest one said ," Damn, man. What... How did you even.......". The youngest brother interrupted and replied ,"What did you think killed the horse?"
"Only with you babe..." I replied
"...Yeah, with the others I stayed awake."
I slid my finger back out, and within seconds, she was going down on me.
I thought to myself, "I really need a new fucking boat."
It was foiled
"Are you the friar?" he asked.
The brother replied "No. I'm the chip monk."
He had bad gastropod!
I asked them if they had papers. They immediately ran off.
When a sex scene came on. "well son, time for bed" the father says. "but dad, I'm 15 now!" the son complains. The father replies "I don't care how old you are son, you're not watching me masturbate"
“Only for a couple of minutes, then I’m usually done” he replied as he carried on thrusting.
It's about slime we caught this Louisville slugger!
We were watching Cars 2. In this movie, there is a scene where one of the characters, 'Mater' (a happy go lucky 'southern' towtruck) eats a bunch of wasabi thinking it's pistachio icecream. My 3 year old turns to me and says " hehe, he ate spice-cream" then burst out laughing.
"Does he hit you?" she asked.
"Is he cheating on you?"
"Did he lose his money?"
"You live in a beautiful house, you have luxury cars, your clothes are of the finest quality, you have a staff to take care of the domestic chores. What does he do so wrong?"
"It's the anal sex ma. He likes the anal sex."
"And what's so bad about that?"
"It's terrible ma. Always with the anal sex. When we got married, my butthole was the size of a dime. Now it's the size of a quarter. It's just terrible."
"It seems like you are giving up an awful lot just for 15 cents."
The assistant replies, "Sorry, I passed gas."
The archaeologist responds, "Ah, and so did I. I guess we have a toot in common."
She sees him holding a beautiful bouquet of roses and drags him in.
She lies on the couch, pulls her skirt up, and rips her knickers off and says "This is for the flowers!"
"Don't be silly" says her boyfriend, "you must have a vase somewhere!"
He replied, "I still love Vista, baby."
Receptionist: Yes, but this is a sperm bank and it doesn't work that way.
Your mom can tell you how many calories she eats per day.
“Eleven,” I replied.
“Wow! You must be a player,” she laughed.
“No,” I said, “I’m their coach.”
So I said, "well, aren't you syrup-titious!"
The mother had three virgin daughters. All three got married almost at the same time and went on a honeymoon. The mother was very worried about the beginning of their sexual life, and asked them to send her at least a few words how it's going. The first one sent a postcard from Hawaii, just after two days after the wedding. On top of it there was just one word: "Nescafe". Her mother ran into the kitchen, find a coffee "Nescafe" and read on the label: "Blessing" until the last drop". Mother blushed, but was satisfied with her daughter's happiness. The second daughter sent the postcard from Jamaica a few days later, where she read "Benson n Hedges" cigars. She immediately went to the man's room, where she found his "Benson Hedges" and read "Extra Long cigars. King Size". She again shyly blushed, but was happy for her daughter. The third daughter went off for the honeymoon to Caribbean. Mother was waiting for the week – nothing. Week later - nothing again. Only a month later finally got a postcard, where with the trembling hand was written "British Airways". Mother quickly found a journal and began to look for what she was affraid about, and then she found British Airways advertisement and read: "Three times a day, seven days a week, in both ends!
using as little material as possible. The engineer forms the flock into a circular shape and constructs a fence around it. The physicist builds a fence with an infinite diameter and pulls it together until it fits around the flock. The mathematicians thinks for a while, then builds a fence around himself and defines himself as being outside.
when she suddenly yelled, “Dave! Get your cock out of my arse!”
“Just relax.” I said, “You might like it.”
“Relax?” she screamed, “What the fuck is Dave doing here?”
Boyfriend: So how many kids does The Rock have?
B: Both daughters, or is one a son?
M: Both daughters.
B: He should have another kid so that he can have a boy and take a family photo, where it's the boy, his two daughters, and then him standing on the end. 'Cause you know what he'd be then?
B: Third Rock from the son.
He's sleeping outside tonight.
Back in the Mexican revolution a bunch of armed men enter a convent and start rounding up all of the nuns in the cafeteria. The leader of the bandits starts yelling:
"We are part of the Pancho Villa army and it is our right to take what we want! We want all of your food and supplies!"
Sister Mary yells from the back: Not the chickens, please, not the chickens!
"I said ALL of your food and supplies!" replied the bandit. "Plus, we are going to rape everyone of you!"
"Not Superior Sister Prudence, please! She's 80 years old!" yelled sister Mary again.
Before the bandit could say anything there was a commotion in the back. It was Superior Sister Prudence making her way to the front yelling: "He said EVERYONE!".
They both hide in the bushes trying to get a Pikachu.
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold, the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While she was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on her. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, she began to realize how warm she was getting, as the dung was actually thawing her out. She lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, promptly dug her out and ate her.
Moral of the story
Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
And when you’re in deep shit, it’s best to keep your mouth shut.
The bus driver says: 'Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!'
The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming.
She says to a man next to her: 'The driver just insulted me!'
The man quickly replies 'You go up there and tell that bastard off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.'
A turkey was chatting with a bull “I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree,” sighed the turkey, but I haven’t got the energy.” “Well, why don’t you nibble on my droppings?” replied the bull. “They’re packed with nutrients.” The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who promptly shot the turkey out of the tree.
Moral of the story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it wont keep you there.
He held the first baby and his eyes watered up, his heart filled with joy witnessing this miracle. He was speechless.
Then the nurse handed him the second baby, he gave the baby one hard look and handing the baby back to the nurse he uttered a single word "Repost"
I said, "You like that, bitch?"
Alright r/dadjokes we've been at the hospital for about 16 hours and it's getting close to pushing time.
Would you be kind enough to share your best material for a very soon to be first time father?
Wife: "Why would you say that?"
Me: "She's our daughter; not our Sun."
Early in the night, FDR appears. Trump asks him "how can I make America great again?" FDR replies "think only of the people; do not make laws based on hatred, bigotry, or with the thought of lining your own pockets" Trump's face sours "FAKE NEWS!" he screams and FDR disappears. Trump falls back to sleep.
A few hours later, he is awakened by George Washington's ghost. Trump asks "how can I make America great again?" Washington replies "I would suggest you never tell a lie", which infuriates Trump. He screams for his bodyguards but Washington is already gone.
Around 3 in the morning, he is visited by the ghost of Abraham Lincoln. Again, he asks "how can I make America great again?". Lincoln thinks for a bit and says "go to the theater".
my car to reverse leaving the scene.
A pakistani walks into a bar and orders bacon and a beer.
The shocked bartender asks, "isn't this a sin in your religion?"
He replies, " ya but all my sins will be forgiven in mmmm... 2 mins 40 seconds."
Now all I need to do is talk her into it…
...and after a few hours of not seeing the criminals he's looking for he gets hungry. He calls his partner to fill in for five minutes while he grabs some dinner and tells him to "take a picture of every single person that walks through the door." The partner waits for the detective to return and when he does the detective asks to see the photos that he took. The partner replies "I didn't see any single people, I saw a lot of couples though."
Mom says with a smile, "why are you concerned with what your sister is doing in there?" Boy replies, "I am not concerned with her, I am wondering what dad is doing."
Shouted the man in the street, standing in front of boxes filled with vegetables trying to get people to buy them. A woman then walks up to him and asks "Can I have 4 tomatoes, 4 potatoes, and 4 onions please ?" the man says to her: "well I am very sorry but we don't have any onions left, we have tomatoes, we have potatoes, but we're totally out of onions" the woman then says "oh well, then I will have two tomatoes, two potatoes and two onions please" the man says "miss I am sorry but like I said we do not have any onions left" the lady then says "oh I must have miss heard you, then I would have one tomato, one potato and one onion, please." the man gets a little but frustrated with the lady and says "alright, let's play a game, if you take the 'omato' out of tomato, what do you get?" the woman confused says "you would get 't' " the man says "correct, and if you would take the 'otato' out of potato, what would you get ?" the woman says "you would get 'p'" the man then says to her "correct again! now, if you take the 'FUCK' out of onion what would you get then ?" the woman very much confused says "but.... there is no 'fuck' in onion. " and the man screams "CORRECT! THERE IS NO FUCKING ONION!"
A priest offered a lift to a Nun. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said,”Father, remember Psalm 129?” The priest removed his hand. But,changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, “Father, remember Psalm 129?” The priest apologized “Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.” Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, “Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.”
Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss great opportunities.
The doctor says, “Larry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?”
Larry replies, “God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so He’s fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I’m done, poof! The light goes off.”
“Wow, that’s incredible,” the doctor says.
A little later in the day, the doctor calls Larry’s wife.
“Bonnie,” he says, “Larry is doing fine! But I had to call you because I’m in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night, and poof, the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he’s done, poof, the light goes off?”
“Oh sweet Jesus”, exclaims Bonnie. “He’s peeing in the refrigerator again!”
John: Mom,Dad, I'm gay
Dad (Richard) : ...
Mom: Richie don't...
Dad: ... (blurted out really fast) Hi Gay, I'm Dad
I said, "No, that snake's not poisonous at all."
So the boy picks up the snake which bites him, and the boy starts to spasm and foam at the mouth as the other kids look on in horror.
I continued, "But that snake is venomous. Poison is ingested or absorbed, while venom is injected. Let's get it right next time, boys."
The first woman looks across the bench at the man and studies his face.
"Oh my gosh" she said to the second woman,
"i think that's Adolf Hitler"!
"It can't be", the second woman responds,
"he killed himself 70 years ago".
But the first woman was sure this man was Hitler, so she leaned across the bench and asked the man,
"why excuse me, are you Adolf Hitler"?
The man looks up,
"indeed, i am Adolf Hitler".
Both woman look at each other in shock,
"see"? says the first woman to the second,
"i told you that was Hitler"!
"My god you're right"!
The second woman responds,
She turns her head to Hitler and asks,
"what are you doing here"?
"Well", he whispers,
"i'm planning another mass homicide".
"I'm going to kill another 6 million Jews, and 6 postmen".
"Why the 6 postmen"?
The two woman ask simultaneously
"Still no-one gives a shit about the Jews".
This is a joke to tell your friends!!
Two gay guys live in a house. One night they're bored so the one gay guy says to the other
"Do you wanna play the game where you find something in the house, stick it up my ass, and I guess what it is?"
So the one gay guy bends over the couch blind folded while the other guy goes to the kitchen and grabs the wooden spoon. He runs back and sticks it in there. Without flinching he says
"Oh! That's the wooden spoon!"
The other guy runs to the closet and grabs the broomstick. He runs back and shoves it in there. It takes a second, but he quickly responds.
"That's the broomstick!"
Before the other guy runs off he says, "One more time and then it's my turn!"
He runs upstairs to the bathroom and grabs the...
(This is where you have a confused look on your face, as if you can't put your tongue on this name. and start doing the motion of using a plunger. Everytime, someone will scream out plunger!! You hurry up and point to the asshat that says it and say
"Oh! You've play this game?!"
Been using it for over 13 years and works 70% of the time, all the time!
I hope you like it!
He took the psychopath.
"No" says one of the nurses. "We're just taking a short cut through the children's ward".
A small medium at large
...he is immediatly hard to handle, running around and throwing things. So one of the adults decides a movie might help to calm him down.
They rent a horror movie and put it on for him. All is calm for about thirty seconds until the teenager starts making a ruckas again, they ask him why he is not watching the movie, "I doesn't like horror movies cuz they is too scary" he says.
So they go out and get an action movie for him. Again, he only stays quite for about thirty seconds. They again ask him why he is not watching the movie. "I doesn't like action movies cuz they is to violent.
By now both adults are very annoyed. One goes outside to take a break. The other says "Fine, i'll get you a comedy, not too scary not too violent"
The adult outside hears the teenager go quiet. Thirty seconds later, he is suprised to hear laughter, hysterical laughter! The teenager is actually being entertained! The other adult walks in with a grin on his face. "What comedy did you show him?" he ask. "None, I gave him a mirror".
Obama, Hillary and Trump are standing at the throne of heaven. God looks at them and says, "Before granting you a place at my side, I must ask you what you have learned, what you believe in."
God asks Obama first: “What do you believe?"
He thinks long and hard, looks God in the eye, and says, "I believe in hard work, and in staying true to family and friends. I believe in giving. I was lucky, but I always tried to do right by my countrymen".
God can’t help but see the essential goodness of Obama, and offers him a seat to his left.
Then God turns to Hillary and says, "What do you believe?"
Hillary says, "I believe passion, discipline, courage and honor are the fundamentals of life. Like Obama I believe in hard work. I, too, have been lucky, but win or lose, I've always tried to be a true patriot and a loyal American."
God is greatly moved by Hillary's high-pitched eloquence, and he offers her a seat to his right.
Finally, God turns to Trump and says, "And you, Donald, what do you believe?"
Trump replies, "I believe you're in my seat."
She gets worried and asks her mom about that hair. Her mom calmly says, "That part where the hair has grown is called your monkey. Be proud that your monkey has grown hair." The girl smiled. At dinner, she tells her sister, "My monkey has grown hair." Her sister smiles and says, "That’s nothing; mine is already eating bananas."
Woman: How many beers a day?
Man: Usually about 3.
Woman: How much do you pay per beer?
Man: $5.00, including the tip.
Woman: And how long have you been drinking?
Man: About 20 years, I suppose.
Woman: So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5400 …correct?
Woman: If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct?
Woman: Do you know that if you didn't drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?
Man: Do you drink beer?
Man: What color is your Ferrari?
When I was young, I was always lucky. When I was five, my mom asked me to give 6 numbers for the lottery. “8, 13, 27, 29, 30, 31” I said. Without any hesitation, my mom punched those numbers on the lottery ticket and hoped for the best. Later that night, my whole family was watching the lottery on the television.
“The winning numbers are 8!” The announcer said.
“Five more numbers and I’m a millionaire!” my mom said with a big smile on her face.
“13!” The announcer continued. My dad, who believed throughout his whole life that the lottery is rigged by politicians, suddenly looked towards the television. It was as if he knew that we were going to win.
“27!” We already have half of the winning numbers. My family wasn’t really that rich, so winning the lottery would be a big help.
“29!” Is it really going to happen? Are we really going to win ₱80,000,000?”
“30!” One more number! The least amount we could get now is ₱50,000. Getting 5 out of the 6 winning numbers is already a big achievement in itself. Even if we don’t win, getting 5 winning numbers was already a testament on how lucky I was.
It was as if God heard me and answered with a big “Okay”.
“32!” Silence filled the room. My dad slowly looked away from the television and started reading his book once again. The smile in my mom’s face quickly disappeared as she stood up and went to sleep. Meanwhile, I was still very proud of my achievement. 5 out of 6 was unbelievably good. The next day, I bragged to my classmates that I had an 83.33333% guess rate. Most of my classmates were like “Whoa, that’s amazing” but one classmate of mine asked “Then what happened to the other 16.66666%?”
That guy’s name was Calvin. Up until high school, he was considered as the “Shotgun King”. He would just shotgun any major test but still end up with a 100% grade. He was one of the few people in the world that were luckier than me. At age 11, he already won the 6/55 Grand Lotto four times, and he wasn’t only lucky with the lottery, he was lucky with everything. Five months ago, he won a 2017 Audi A3 Sedan. Three months ago, he won a Mercedes-Benz AMG 43, and about a week ago, he won a Lockheed Martin F-22 Raptor. He won all these via raffle. There were a lot of doubts about his wins since not even the Philippine Air Force has an F-22.
I haven’t been participating in any more raffles since my mom said that I should focus on my studies. While walking to class, I saw this flyer that said about a raffle with the 1st prize of a Samsung Refrigerator. It was the perfect time to test out my luck skills, besides, my family would extremely benefit from a new refrigerator. While I was putting my raffle entries inside the drop box, someone patted my shoulder.
“Hey Kyle!” the guy said. It was Calvin.
“Hey Calvin, what’s up?” I said.
“You’re entering the raffle too?” He asked.
“Yeah man, it’s been a long time since I won something.” I answered.
“Well good luck.” He said. “I’m joining the raffle too, so the chances of you winning are slim.”
After two days, it was already raffle day. I was positive that I would win, so I sat in front, near where the results were going to be announced.
One by one, the results were slowly announced, starting from the 5th prize.
“The 5th prize goes to Earl Cayanan!”
“The 4th prize goes to Mary Ann Severino!”
“The 3rd prize goes to John Paul Melecio!”
“The 2nd prize goes to Harold Eugenio!”
Finally, it was the time for the 1st prize. In the corner of my eye, I suddenly saw Calvin talking to some security guards. I smell something fishy going on.
“And for the 1st prize, congratulations to Calvin Tolentino!”
Calvin quickly ran up the stage. I didn’t believe the results so I ran up to Calvin, but on the way, two security guards stopped me. I didn’t give up. I shouted: “I’m the real winner, not you! The whole raffle was rigged!” One security guard then grabbed his gun and smacked its base to my head. I passed out.
I then woke up in a hospital room with an old lady whom I’ve never met before, sitting beside me.
“So, do you want to beat Calvin?” She asked.
“What do you mean?” I asked in return.
“I can make you win the next major raffle.”
“How?” I quickly asked as I was interested.
“Well, the next raffle has a bottle made out of diamonds as its first prize. If sold, it could be as expensive as ₱850,000,000.”
“Okay so how do I win it?”
“Hold your horses, young boy, that’s not the real first prize. You shouldn’t win the bottle, but instead, go to the host right after the program has ended. He will give you the keys to the ‘Win All Raffles Robot’ or WARR for short.”
“Okay, this might sound crazy but there is a robot that can make you win all raffle you enter. It’s called the ‘Win All Raffles Robot’.”
“So how does it work?” I asked out of curiosity.
“No one knows, it was sent by God during the 1300’s. What I do now is that whoever has the WARR would never lose a raffle. Your friend Calvin was just really lucky, but with the WARR, you’d be more than lucky.”
“But how would I be sure that the host would give it to me?”
“Well, he is my son.”
“How is he your son?”
“I gave birth to him.”
Since this conversation seemed like it wouldn’t lead to anything useful anymore, I packed my things and left the hospital. Moments later, I saw a flyer that caught my eye.
“Win a 700-year-old Venetian Diamond Wine Bottle worth ₱850,000,000. All you have to do is enter the raffle to have a chance.”
Maybe this was the raffle the old lady was talking about. I quickly went to the raffle booth and entered.
“The raffle draw will be in an hour, sir.” The clerk said. “You can meanwhile sit in our Waiting Area.”
Inside the Waiting Area were chairs, tables, and a television showing a replay of the 2021 NBA Finals. It’s crazy how the Lakers won it in 6 games. Joel Embiid was such a beast for Philadelphia but they still weren’t able to pull it off.
After an hour, I left the waiting room and sat in the front row near the stage where the raffle will be drawn. Slowly, people started coming and the seats started to fill up.
It was time.
The host came out of the curtains and picked one raffle ticket in the spinning jar.
“The 5th prize which is a 1942 Zero Japanese fighter plane, goes to Erika Sanchez!”
“The 4th prize, which is an authentic piece of the Shroud of Turin, goes to Francois LeBourgeoisie!” I can’t believe the host mispronounces his name.
“The 3rd prize, which is the original copy of the Indian epic, the Ramayana, goes to Juan Tiu-Tres.”
“The 2nd prize, which is a legitimate metal shard from the 1947 Roswell UFO Crash goes to Zack Dimagiba.
“And finally, the event you’ve all been waiting for, the 1st prize which is a 700-year-old Venetian Diamond Wine Bottle goes to…Calvin Tolentino!”
“What?!” I shouted as I jumped off my seat.
Someone then suddenly patted my back. It was Calvin.
“It’s okay Kyle, you’ll get your chance.” Calvin said.
I was about to punch him in the face but I suddenly remembered that I never really intended to win the 1st prize, so before Calvin went to the stage to claim his prize, I told him: “Hey Calvin!”
“Yes Kyle?” He said with an intimidating smile to his face.
I moved closer to him, stared him in the eye, and softly said: “You may have won the bottle, but you haven’t won the WARR.”
A man and a woman were driving down the road arguing about his deplorable fidelity practices when suddenly, the woman reaches over, slices off the mans penis and angrily tosses it out the window of the car.
Driving behind the car is a pickup truck with a man and his 8 year old daughter chatting away beside him. All of the sudden, the penis smacks the pickup in the windshield and flies off.
Surprised, the daughter asks her daddy, "What in the heck was that?!?"
Not wanting to expose his sweet daughter to sex at such a tender age, the father replies, "It was only a fly, honey."
The daughter gets a confused look on her face, and after a minute, she says. "I'm surprised it got off the ground with a dick that big!"
Making it all the way home and realizing that they forgot one of the containers:
He orders a rum and coke. The bartender fiddles around under the bar for a second and pulls out an apple. The guy is confused, he says, "no I ordered a rum and coke." The bartender says, "just try it." So he bites it and it tastes just like rum! The bartender says, "now turn it around." And wow! It tastes just like coke! A second guy walks in and orders a gin and tonic, again the bartender fiddles around for a second and pulls out an apple. He's confused. But he bites it, wow! It tastes just like gin! Bartender says to turn it around and wow! It tastes just like tonic! So a third guy walks in and the first two guys are like, "dude you'll never believe it! This bartender can make apples taste like anything!" So, skeptical, the guy says "ok bartender, give me an apple that tastes like pussy." The bartender says ok, fiddled around under the bar for a second and gives him the apple. He bites into it and says, "ew that tastes like shit!" The bartender says, "turn it around."
I'd start thinking about you.
Proving once again that gneiss guys finish last.
I look over, and he's reaching into his pocket and pulls out a little vial, and shakes it out all over me. He hands me this vial and he's made a shitty label around it, and he wrote on this fricken label, "Directions: Add in salt to injury".
He's a legend among my friends dads.
It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000.
He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light.
An old man on a moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to him.
The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, “What kind of car ya got there, sonny?”
The doctor replies, “A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!”
“That’s a lot of money,” says the old man. “Why does it cost so much?”
“Because this car can do up to 250 miles an hour!” states the doctor proudly.
The moped driver asks, “Mind if I take a look inside?”
“No problem,” replies the doctor.
So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around.
Then, sitting back on his moped, the old man says, “That’s a pretty nice car, all right, but I’ll stick with my moped!”
Just then the light changes, so the doctor decides to show the old man just what his car can do.
He floors it, and within 30 seconds, the speedometer reads 150 mph.
Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror – what it could be…and suddenly…
Something whips by him going much faster!
“What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?” the doctor asks himself.
He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 175 mph.
Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it’s the old man on the moped!
Amazed that the moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the moped at 210 mph.
He’s feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN!
Astounded by the speed of his old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 250 mph.
Not ten seconds later, he sees the moped bearing down on him again!
The Ferrari is flat out, and there’s nothing he can do!
Suddenly, the moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end.
The doctor stops and jumps out and , unbelievably, the old man is still alive.
He runs up to the mangled old man and says, “Oh my gosh! Is there anything I can do for you?”
The old man whispers, “Unhook my suspenders from your side mirror.”
They quickly arrested me.
Lol, jk I'm a redditor, I've never brought a girl home, and that is why I'm the one in a state of Missouri.
Fast 10: your seatbelts
When he goes to pick the bike up, the dude who sells him the bike says, "
"Now remember....that's all original leather. You can't let it get too wet. If it starts raining and you don't have anywhere to shelter it, make sure you keep a tub of vaseline with you. Rub it all over the seat so the water will just bead off."
The guy takes his new bike and goes to pick up his girlfriend. The girlfriend invites the guy over to her parents house for dinner. This will be the first time he's ever eaten with her family.
"I should let you know the rule of the table" she said. "There is no talking allowed. The first person to talk at the table has to clean the dishes."
The guy doesn't think this is that big of a deal until he arrives at the family's house and looks in the kitchen. There must be at least three months worth of dishes inside. They are stacked up to the ceiling, stinking and rotting of mold and old bits of food everywhere. The guy almost throws up at the smell and sight of such a disgusting state of affairs.
Dinner begins, and no one is saying a word. The tension is starting to get to the boyfriend, so he concocts a plan to make someone else speak first.
The guy drops his fork, goes over to his girlfriend at the table, throws her up on top and just starts fucking her in front of everyone. The father and mother are obviously mortified. But even with their jaws on the floor, no one says a word.
The guy stops and thinks to himself "This is going to be harder than I thought...." then he gets another idea.....
Without hesitation, he runs over to the mother throws her up on the table and fucks the shit out of her, right in front of the father.
The dad is staring daggers through the boyfriend and turning bright red in anger. But still says nothing. The girlfriend is becoming teary eyed and covering her mouth with her hands, but doesn't make a peep.
The boyfriend stops fucking the mother and sits back down at his seat, completely flustered. He takes a gander out the window, and notices a sudden heavy rain has settled in. He then realizes that his vintage motorbike is parked on the street, uncovered.
The boyfriend pops out of his seat and grabs his tub of vaseline. The dad jumps out of his chair and yells out, "ALRIGHT, I'LL DO THE GODDAMNED DISHES!"
Edit: A Classic Joke
"You be Mozart......"
".......I'll be Bach."
"Dishes a great idea, Ahnold," replied Sean
I mean, wouldn't all those attack helicopters be useful??
He tries to talk her down, but she's too distraught. Finally, he says to her, "Well, if you're gonna kill yourself anyway, why not give me a nice blowjob first?"
She replies, "Well, it doesn't matter anyway. I guess I might as well make somebody happy before I die."
So she climbs down off the railing and give the dude one of the most amazing experiences of his life. When it's over, he's completely dazed. "That was incredible!" he says. "Why the hell is someone as gorgeous as you with such... talents trying to kill themselves anyway?"
"It's my father. He disowned me."
"For dressing up as a woman."
Me: "Poof! You're popcorn!"
11: eye roll
Me: intent chuckle
Jock, the painter, often would thin his paint so it would go further. So when the Church decided to do some deferred maintenance, Jock was able to put in the low bid, and got the job. As always, he thinned his paint way down with turpentine.
One day while he was up on the scaffolding -- the job almost finished -- he heard a horrendous clap of thunder, and the sky opened.
The downpour washed the thinned paint off the church and knocked Jock off his scaffold and onto the lawn among the gravestones and puddles of thinned and worthless paint.
Jock knew this was a warning from the Almighty, so he got on his knees and cried: “Oh, God! Forgive me! What should I do?”
And from the thunder, a mighty voice: “REPAINT! REPAINT! AND THIN NO MORE!”
His reply: "Oh, I live in a state of Missouri."
For hispanic attacks