Monday, July 31, 2017

What do you call an epileptic in a vegetable garden?

A seizure salad.

(It was suggested to post this here from r/jokes)



Submitted August 01, 2017 at 01:45AM by Isitfortytwo

Anthony Scaramucci

[removed]



Submitted July 31, 2017 at 03:06PM by pinkinthecenter

Why is everyone investing in Ireland?

Because the capital is always Dublin



Submitted July 31, 2017 at 10:11PM by kalas_critic

Why should Captain Obvious have kids?

Because his greatest skill is being apparent.



Submitted July 31, 2017 at 09:24PM by PrettyMuchHollow

After all the hand-wringing, criticism and 24-hour coverage, Anthony Scaramucci ended up only holding his new job in the White House for a single week...

...It was Mooch ado about nothing.



Submitted July 31, 2017 at 09:25PM by afeastforgeorge

What is it called when a ghost gets hurt.

A Boo Boo.



Submitted July 31, 2017 at 09:25PM by jediknight057

When Trump announced job creations...

I didn't think it was for the same position over and over again.



Submitted July 31, 2017 at 04:45PM by uparrow

Did i tell you about my sick bird?

He has chirpees.

It's a canarial disease.

It's untweetable.



Submitted July 31, 2017 at 07:29PM by smedley89

My dad took a picture of a shelf

He showed it to me and said "look! I took a shelfie!"



Submitted July 31, 2017 at 07:04PM by hiya1307

Only a certain caliber of clown gets to be shot from the cannon

No text found

Submitted July 31, 2017 at 06:51PM by LeviAEthan512

You wanna know how I got through Middle East really fast?

Iran.



Submitted July 31, 2017 at 05:59PM by drkaczur

I Used To Be Addicted To Soap

But now I'm clean.

(If this gets at least 500 upvotes I'll die a happy man)

Edit: HOLY CRAP I DID NOT EXPECT TO GET 50+ upvotes

Edit 2: WHAT THE HELL HOW AM I AT 400+ upvotes



Submitted July 31, 2017 at 11:11AM by jwinter2

My optometrist says I have prophetic vision

I can see 3 years into the future, 2020 vision.



Submitted July 31, 2017 at 05:03PM by Cruxion

Why did the bee get married?

Because he found his honey



Submitted July 31, 2017 at 05:09PM by lanass

If online bullying has taught us anything.

It's that some kids would rather kill themselves than lose a bit of weight.



Submitted July 31, 2017 at 10:44AM by BookerGinger

We were driving our mini-van behind a truck carrying porta-potties and my wife said "It would suck if those fell off in front of us" and I said

"The shit would really hit the van then". snort



Submitted July 31, 2017 at 01:25PM by KnivesMakeMe

Why couldn't the toiler paper cross the road?

Because it got stuck in a crack.



Submitted July 31, 2017 at 01:34PM by pug_mom33

Dads are like boomerangs.

I hope.



Submitted July 31, 2017 at 12:11PM by YottaPiggy

Getting married is great. But, before you do it, there are some things you have to consider.

On one hand, you get to wear a pretty cool ring.

On the other hand, you don't.



Submitted July 31, 2017 at 08:49AM by Jarmom

How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?

Ten tickles...



Submitted July 31, 2017 at 01:07PM by superdrew91

I'm trying to build a set of stairs.

Do they come with step-by-step instructions?



Submitted July 31, 2017 at 12:30PM by bmet317

For those of you wondering what it’s like to be married

I just found out this morning I’m on day 3 of an argument I didn’t know I was having.



Submitted July 31, 2017 at 08:38AM by raydeep

An Irishman in a bar hears a familiar accent, and says to the guy next to him "Are you Irish, then?"

"That I am"

"Well I''l be, let's have a whiskey! Where are you from?"

"Dublin"

"Me too!, That calls for another drink: Bartender!"

"Where in Dublin", says the other feller

"Temple Bar"

"Fuck Me! I went to school right there on Milligan Street"

"So did I! That calls fer another drink!"

"who was yer teacher?"

"Miss McGillicuddy"

"Holy Mother of God, she taught me too! Bartender, another round if you please"

At that point another man enters the bar and sits at the other end.

The bartender approaches him, and he says "Evening, John, anything new going on?"

The bartender replies " Not really, just the Kelly twins getting drunk again..."



Submitted July 31, 2017 at 08:54AM by DenzelWashingTum

I hope Death is a woman

That way it will never come for me



Submitted July 31, 2017 at 10:40AM by KatrinaKaif2

Every day I squat down, tuck my head between my knees and lean forward.

That's how I roll.



Submitted July 31, 2017 at 12:16PM by wheezy360

Roofing jokes get to me

...every shingle time.



Submitted July 31, 2017 at 12:05PM by SoDakZak

A guy goes to a halloween party with a girl on his back.

The host asks him, "And what are you?" The guy says, " I'm a snail." The host says "And who's that on your back?" "That's Michelle!"



Submitted July 31, 2017 at 09:35AM by Ninhnguyenz

If you're American going into the bathroom and American coming out, what are you in the bathroom?

European



Submitted July 31, 2017 at 09:55AM by Me-Smart

What happened when the escalator broke down?

Everyone stopped and staired! 🥁



Submitted July 31, 2017 at 08:47AM by Alfredo18

What do you call it when two flowers have a child?

Plant parenthood.



Submitted July 31, 2017 at 07:19AM by Hawksaw_Jim_Duggan

English is Weird.

It can be understood through tough thorough thought, though.



Submitted July 31, 2017 at 06:04AM by kushenYT

Organic food

is offal.



Submitted July 31, 2017 at 09:20AM by electropriest

Why did the baker have brown hands?

Because he kneaded a poo.



Submitted July 31, 2017 at 07:41AM by behven

I'll never forget my son's first words...

"Where the fuck have you been for 16 years?!"



Submitted July 31, 2017 at 12:27AM by rogeorgie

Why can't Donald Trump be hung for treason?

Fake Noose



Submitted July 31, 2017 at 04:50AM by blitzwit143

Dad I'll call you later

Don't do that call me dad.



Submitted July 31, 2017 at 06:21AM by 2wings

What did the urban youth say in the suburban yoga studio?

What's Up-Dog?



Submitted July 31, 2017 at 05:57AM by boop66

My son asks me if he can have a toy gun.

I tell him: "You already have one, you just haven't found it yet."

and watch him go look for it in his room.

am I going to hell?



Submitted July 31, 2017 at 04:36AM by BookInWriting

A new IKEA was supposed to be built in our town

but nobody could find the little wrench and the instructions went missing.



Submitted July 30, 2017 at 09:53PM by bcg1117

A passenger in a taxi tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him something.

The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, then the driver said "Please, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me." The passenger, who was also frightened, apologised and said he didn't realise that a tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much, to which the driver replied: "I'm sorry, it's really not your fault at all. Today is my first day driving a cab. I have been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."



Submitted July 30, 2017 at 10:25PM by gagep932

Sunday, July 30, 2017

What is Boyle's favorite song?

Under pressure.

He listens to it at a low volume.



Submitted July 30, 2017 at 09:49PM by WookieAttack22

Never die a virgin…

… When you get to Heaven they will make you have sex with a suicide bomber.



Submitted July 30, 2017 at 07:41PM by raydeep

a Reddit employee was asked what he thought of r/DadJokes

He said, "No Comments"



Submitted July 30, 2017 at 09:33PM by OwenChillson

Why did I get divorced ?

Why did I get divorced? Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn't wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my colleagues didn't wish me a happy birthday. As I entered my office, my secretary said, "Happy birthday, boss!" I felt so special. She asked me out for lunch. After lunch, she invited me to her apartment. We went there and she said, "Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?" "Okay," I said. She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends, & my colleagues all yelling, "SURPRISE!!!" while I was waiting on the sofa... naked.



Submitted July 30, 2017 at 05:29PM by Akibhasan50

Told by my friend years ago in high school [long] [nsfw]

Okay so let me start out by saying when telling this joke, you insert the name of the person you are telling it too. For this joke I will use the name John Johnson as it is the most generic name I can think of. Now for the joke.

Three men were standing in a bar, making small talk. The first guy says "guys my hands are so tiny, I must have the smallest hands in the world!"

The second guy, not wanting to be outdone, says "Well my feet are minuscule! I know I have the smallest feet in the world!"

The third guy, a little hesitant, says "guys... I think I have the smallest penis in the world."

They decide to make the trip together to the World Record Measuring studio.

The first guy goes in, and comes out with a certificate stating he has the smallest hands in the world. "See! I told you I had the smallest hands in the world!"

The second guy goes in, and he also comes out with a certificate. " I knew it! My feet are the smallest in the world!"

The third guy goes in, but does not come out with a certificate. Instead he yells "WHO THE FUCK IS JOHN JOHNSON?!"



Submitted July 30, 2017 at 09:02PM by schune

What is the difference between a teacher and a train?

A teacher says "Spit out the gum!" A train says "Chew! Chew!"

Ye, courtesy of my 8 year old daughter.



Submitted July 30, 2017 at 06:01PM by ilovepumpkin

An Officer is on patrol in L.A.

When he sees a driver fail to stop at a Stop sign.
He chases after the guy and pulls him over.

Officer: "Sir. Do you know why I pulled you over?"
Driver: "No."
Officer: "You failed to stop at the Stop sign back there."
Driver: "I slowed down, what's the big difference?"

The Officer drags the man out of his car, pulls out his baton and starts beating the shit out of him while yelling:
"DO YOU WANT ME TO SLOW DOWN OR STOP?"



Submitted July 30, 2017 at 05:56PM by HuntOfTheUnicorn

My dad calls centipedes "wall moustaches". 🤔

No text found

Submitted July 30, 2017 at 05:21PM by jordan99ash

I was going to do a joke about time travel…

…but nobody liked it.



Submitted July 30, 2017 at 01:54PM by raydeep

This is your captain speaking

AND THIS IS YOUR CAPTAIN SHOUTING .



Submitted July 30, 2017 at 07:07PM by mrgreaper

Why couldn't the pony sing?

Because he was a little horse



Submitted July 30, 2017 at 06:37PM by lanass

Short people have it rough...

Everyone is always looking down on them.



Submitted July 30, 2017 at 04:06PM by DocWhiskeyPhD

What's the best thing about living in Switzerland?

I don't know but the flag is a big plus



Submitted July 30, 2017 at 05:45PM by ganggxnggvng

Bought these expensive sausages, and my ungrateful kids won't eat them because, in their words, "they're past the expiration date".

Friggin' spoiled brats



Submitted July 30, 2017 at 05:10PM by Ganders81

How do you catch a rabbit?

By imitating the sound of a carrot 🥕



Submitted July 30, 2017 at 04:53PM by Imad_harb

A Lesson in Morals

One day at the end of class, little Johnny's teacher asks the class to go home and think of a story to be concluded with the moral of that story. The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story.

Little Suzy raises her hand. "My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road."

When the teacher asked for the moral of the story, Suzy replied, "Don't keep all your eggs in one basket."

Little Lucy went next. "My dad owns a farm too. Every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only eight of the 12 eggs hatched."

Again, the teacher asked for the moral of the story.

Lucy replied, "Don't count your chickens before they hatch."

Next up was little Johnny. "My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war, and his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed but could only take a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down, he drank the case of beer. Then he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but then he ran out of bullets! So he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. Then the blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands."

The teacher looked a little shocked. After clearing her throat, she asked what possible moral there could be to this story.

"Well," Johnny replied, "Don't fuck with Uncle Ted when he's been drinking."



Submitted July 30, 2017 at 11:11AM by carlosd141

Anal invitation

"Let's go to your place." Said a fat girl.

"I would love to, but i don't have any lubricant"

"I don't think it's necessary, i'm not that tight" says the girl while smiling.

"Maybe you're not, but my door is."



Submitted July 30, 2017 at 09:43AM by lebutzu

What is Forrest Gump's Wi-Fi password?

OneForrestOne



Submitted July 30, 2017 at 12:45PM by SpaceSlav

Manliest man ever contest

Three men joined the Manliest Man Ever contest, the one who passed 3 rooms will get the award: - First room: 10 barrels of best wine - Second room: 10 times with a very hot model - Third room: 10 hours with a tiger.

The first guy goes with the girl room, and after 8 times, he quit. The second guy goes with the tiger, and after 8 hours, he quit.

The last guy said "f**k the contest, I will try the wine first", the he goes to the first room. After 10 barrels, he somehow managed to go to the tiger room. 10 hours later, he came out, and said

"Hell of a night man. Now, show me the tiger room"



Submitted July 30, 2017 at 10:12AM by supercoooldudewithab

What do you say about a faulty hand dryer?

It blows



Submitted July 30, 2017 at 03:15PM by patrickloftus_

Soap

Two priests are off to the showers late one night. They undress and step into the showers before they realize there is no soap.

Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering to dress. He grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand, and heads back to the showers.

He is halfway down the hall when he sees three nuns heading his way. Having no place to hide, he stands against the wall and freezes like he's a statue. The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks.

The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls on his manhood. Startled, he drops a bar of soap. "Oh look" says the first nun, "it's a soap dispenser". To test her theory the second nun also pulls on his manhood. Sure enough, he drops the second bar of soap.

Now the third nun decides to have a go. She pulls once, then twice and three times but nothing happens. So she gives several more tugs, then yells "Holy Mary, Mother of God, HAND LOTION TOO!"



Submitted July 30, 2017 at 12:26PM by pradeep23

Why do Canadians do it doggy style?

So they both can watch the hockey game.



Submitted July 30, 2017 at 08:30AM by PrimedNoob

What do you call a girl in the middle of a tennis court?

Annette.



Submitted July 30, 2017 at 09:51AM by Buster_Nutt

My wife and I were driving by the county jail and we saw a midget who was climbing out the window attempting to escape.

I said, "Well that's a little con-descending."



Submitted July 30, 2017 at 12:44PM by PenguinGrylls

After jumpstarting my friend's car, I told him there'd be no extra charge.

After jumpstarting my friend's car, I removed the cables and said there'd be no extra charge.



Submitted July 30, 2017 at 12:21PM by AF-firm

[NSFW] My favorite NSFW joke from my high school.

Three brothers owned a prized horse. One day when the brothers were checking in, they found the horse was dead. So they prayed the whole morning asking god to bring back the horse. Suddenly, a fairy appeared.

Fairy: I can bring back the horse but on one condition, at least one of you have to satisfy me with a really good fucking.

The 2nd brother(2nd by age) went first. He inserted his weiner and started fucking her. She was far from being satisfied instead she was bored.

Then came the oldest brother, a known womaniser. He was better than his younger brother, but still too far from satisfying her.

Finally, it was the turn of the youngest brother. He pulled out his dick and started fucking her. To everyone's surprise the fairy started moaning with joy within some seconds into action as that was the best sex she ever had. After a hour he was still going on but the fairy started moaning roughly and was so exhausted that she had to be separated by the other brothers to save her from any damage.

The fairy was more than satisfied.

Then impressed by his brother, the eldest one said ," Damn, man. What... How did you even.......". The youngest brother interrupted and replied ,"What did you think killed the horse?"



Submitted July 30, 2017 at 10:44AM by godfatherDNA

Why don't black people go on cruise ships?

Because they're not falling for that one again.



Submitted July 30, 2017 at 06:43AM by sexualchocolate123

My girlfriend asked me with how many girls I've slept with

"Only with you babe..." I replied

"Awww, really?"

"...Yeah, with the others I stayed awake."



Submitted July 30, 2017 at 08:51AM by BryanAlex003

The guy who stole my diary has just died.

My thoughts are with his family.



Submitted July 30, 2017 at 12:12PM by justanotherfakegirl

Jimmy Johns delivers?

Girlfriend: Do you think Jimmy Johns would deliver here?

Me: I think his Dad may.

GF: His Dad?

Me: Yeah, Papa John.



Submitted July 30, 2017 at 11:16AM by FartsWiddaWindowsUp

As I slipped my finger slowly inside her hole, I could immediately feel it getting wetter and wetter…

I slid my finger back out, and within seconds, she was going down on me.

I thought to myself, "I really need a new fucking boat."



Submitted July 30, 2017 at 08:04AM by madazzahatter

Norway...

What's the best selling car in Norway?

Fjord



Submitted July 30, 2017 at 09:43AM by taocpa

What happened to the bacteria's plot to eat my sandwich?

It was foiled



Submitted July 30, 2017 at 09:14AM by 58008upsidedown

Why aren't cows the best gamblers?

They always bet high STEAKS.



Submitted July 30, 2017 at 07:50AM by BTP1999

A hungry traveller stopped at a monastery and was taken to the kitchens where a brother is frying chips…

"Are you the friar?" he asked.

The brother replied "No. I'm the chip monk."



Submitted July 30, 2017 at 07:58AM by madazzahatter

A dad joke courtesy of my wife

What sport is played in supermarkets? Basketpull



Submitted July 30, 2017 at 07:00AM by gee85

I've never seen a movie about the South

Just the trailers.



Submitted July 30, 2017 at 04:12AM by UserCheckNamesOut

Why was the man uncomfortable after eating escargot?

He had bad gastropod!



Submitted July 30, 2017 at 02:02AM by all_three_bolth

SpongeBob should not be the main character.

Patrick is the star of the show.



Submitted July 30, 2017 at 02:13AM by trevtt

Saturday, July 29, 2017

I once saw a cow smoking some pot.

It was a high steaks situation.



Submitted July 29, 2017 at 05:40PM by 4DimensionalToilet

When your butt cheeks are different sizes...

You're Ass-symmetrical!



Submitted July 30, 2017 at 02:10AM by bootsycline

I was about to smoke weed with a couple cute Mexican girls...

I asked them if they had papers. They immediately ran off.



Submitted July 29, 2017 at 05:02PM by duallyford

A boy was watching TV with his father

When a sex scene came on. "well son, time for bed" the father says. "but dad, I'm 15 now!" the son complains. The father replies "I don't care how old you are son, you're not watching me masturbate"



Submitted July 29, 2017 at 11:11PM by Jacobbby

“So how long are you in for? ” I asked my cell mate.

“Only for a couple of minutes, then I’m usually done” he replied as he carried on thrusting.



Submitted July 29, 2017 at 07:07PM by raydeep

What did the policeman say to his belly button?

You're under a vest...



Submitted July 29, 2017 at 11:03PM by madazzahatter

What did the St. Louis police say when they couldn't arrest a man placing snails on people?

It's about slime we caught this Louisville slugger!



Submitted July 29, 2017 at 11:16PM by all_three_bolth

My dad's take on Adrian Beltre approaching 3000 hits



Submitted July 29, 2017 at 09:48PM by powntown

My 3 year old dad joked me

We were watching Cars 2. In this movie, there is a scene where one of the characters, 'Mater' (a happy go lucky 'southern' towtruck) eats a bunch of wasabi thinking it's pistachio icecream. My 3 year old turns to me and says " hehe, he ate spice-cream" then burst out laughing.



Submitted July 29, 2017 at 10:38PM by serb2212

My dad once told me a really "smart butt joke"

Actually it was more of a wise crack.



Submitted July 29, 2017 at 06:52PM by mistermajik2000

Why do chicken coupes have two doors?

If they had four they would be a chicken sedan!



Submitted July 29, 2017 at 06:51PM by cenetrius420

A Jewish Mother was horrified to find out her daughter was divorcing her doctor husband.

"Does he hit you?" she asked.

"No Ma."

"Is he cheating on you?"

"No Ma."

"Did he lose his money?"

"No Ma."

"You live in a beautiful house, you have luxury cars, your clothes are of the finest quality, you have a staff to take care of the domestic chores. What does he do so wrong?"

"It's the anal sex ma. He likes the anal sex."

"And what's so bad about that?"

"It's terrible ma. Always with the anal sex. When we got married, my butthole was the size of a dime. Now it's the size of a quarter. It's just terrible."

"It seems like you are giving up an awful lot just for 15 cents."



Submitted July 29, 2017 at 02:22PM by AU_Cav

Ex girlfriends are like a box of chocolates..

They will kill your dog.



Submitted July 29, 2017 at 03:11PM by flushyjames

An archaeologist remarks to his assistant that it smells funny in the pyramid.

The assistant replies, "Sorry, I passed gas."

The archaeologist responds, "Ah, and so did I. I guess we have a toot in common."



Submitted July 29, 2017 at 02:38PM by NW_Runner

I refused to believe I was gay and dyslexic.

I was in Daniel.



Submitted July 29, 2017 at 01:00PM by raydeep

Why was the soup preoccupied?

He was stewing over something his broth-er said.



Submitted July 29, 2017 at 03:31PM by all_three_bolth

I'm 60 days clean now.

It's been hard showering every day, but thankfully I had heroin to help me through it.



Submitted July 29, 2017 at 01:48PM by NateM135

What did the dad say to his kid that peed his pants?

Urine trouble



Submitted July 29, 2017 at 02:31PM by Dark_Devin

A guy ring's his new girlfriend's doorbell

She sees him holding a beautiful bouquet of roses and drags him in.

She lies on the couch, pulls her skirt up, and rips her knickers off and says "This is for the flowers!"

"Don't be silly" says her boyfriend, "you must have a vase somewhere!"



Submitted July 29, 2017 at 12:47PM by BlueChamp10

Two Antennas Get Married....

The wedding was ok but the reception was amazing



Submitted July 29, 2017 at 02:33PM by notadweeb

Arnold Schwarzenegger was asked if he wanted to upgrade to Windows 10.

He replied, "I still love Vista, baby."



Submitted July 29, 2017 at 01:41PM by PendragonTheNinja

Me: When i donate blood i do not extract it myself. A nurse does it for me

Receptionist: Yes, but this is a sperm bank and it doesn't work that way.



Submitted July 29, 2017 at 10:45AM by xKar10

What's the difference between a calorie and a dick?

Your mom can tell you how many calories she eats per day.



Submitted July 29, 2017 at 08:57AM by kilopeter

"Give it to me now!" she yelled "I'm so wet!"

She can scream all she wants...I'm not giving her the fucking umbrella



Submitted July 29, 2017 at 08:52AM by handbanana718

You hear about the transgender in the military?

[removed]



Submitted July 29, 2017 at 11:31AM by Gephart10

My new girlfriend asked me how many girls I’ve slept with.

“Eleven,” I replied.

“Wow! You must be a player,” she laughed.

“No,” I said, “I’m their coach.”



Submitted July 29, 2017 at 09:25AM by raydeep

What is a Christmas presents favorite music?

(w)'rap'!



Submitted July 29, 2017 at 12:10PM by FacepalmNation

This morning at breakfast, my daughter said she doesn't really like syrup on her pancakes, but sometimes she'll "sneak a little on there"

So I said, "well, aren't you syrup-titious!"



Submitted July 29, 2017 at 11:28AM by mistermajik2000

What do you call children from the east?

euthanasia. (my dad actually told me this one)



Submitted July 29, 2017 at 08:01AM by s4rKRS

Funny adult jokes - Three daughters

The mother had three virgin daughters. All three got married almost at the same time and went on a honeymoon. The mother was very worried about the beginning of their sexual life, and asked them to send her at least a few words how it's going. The first one sent a postcard from Hawaii, just after two days after the wedding. On top of it there was just one word: "Nescafe". Her mother ran into the  kitchen, find a coffee "Nescafe" and read on the label: "Blessing" until the  last drop". Mother blushed, but was satisfied with her daughter's happiness.  The second daughter sent the postcard from Jamaica a few days later, where she read "Benson n Hedges" cigars. She immediately went to the man's room, where she found his "Benson Hedges" and read "Extra Long cigars. King Size". She again shyly blushed, but was happy for her daughter. The third daughter went off for the honeymoon to Caribbean. Mother was waiting for the week – nothing. Week later - nothing again. Only a month later finally got a postcard, where with the trembling hand was written "British Airways". Mother quickly found a journal and began to look for what she was affraid about, and then she found British Airways advertisement and read: "Three times a day, seven days a week, in both ends!



Submitted July 29, 2017 at 07:32AM by faridali1

Why do cows have hooves instead of feet?

Because they lactose



Submitted July 29, 2017 at 10:18AM by jin_of_the_gale

An engineer, a physicist and a mathematicians have to build a fence around a flock of sheep,

using as little material as possible. The engineer forms the flock into a circular shape and constructs a fence around it. The physicist builds a fence with an infinite diameter and pulls it together until it fits around the flock. The mathematicians thinks for a while, then builds a fence around himself and defines himself as being outside.



Submitted July 29, 2017 at 09:29AM by opcionalis93

I said to my wife; "You've plucked your eyebrows too high" She looked really surprised.

No text found

Submitted July 29, 2017 at 10:36AM by Donnakebabmeat

When you are telling jokes about your virginity,

You should always put it in the first person.



Submitted July 29, 2017 at 08:39AM by dalduzza

Why did the mammoths go extinct?

There wasn't any daddoths



Submitted July 29, 2017 at 09:03AM by AtThePizzaPlace

I was having sex with my wife last night

when she suddenly yelled, “Dave! Get your cock out of my arse!”

“Just relax.” I said, “You might like it.”

“Relax?” she screamed, “What the fuck is Dave doing here?”



Submitted July 29, 2017 at 07:15AM by raydeep

I thought about getting my hair cut but

It's really starting to grow on me



Submitted July 29, 2017 at 07:19AM by KayeTheFlower

What does a bee say when it gets home?

Honey I'm home!



Submitted July 29, 2017 at 07:00AM by Apoas

What has 4 wheels and flies?

A garbage truck



Submitted July 29, 2017 at 04:54AM by HotcheeseMcGee

Why did the semen cross the road?

I put on the wrong sock this morning



Submitted July 28, 2017 at 11:24PM by apollo420k

What's colder than the Taliban?

Ice-is.



Submitted July 28, 2017 at 11:06PM by T8tertotter

My boyfriend's response to the "TheRockxSiri" commercial.

Boyfriend: So how many kids does The Rock have?

Me: Two.

B: Both daughters, or is one a son?

M: Both daughters.

B: He should have another kid so that he can have a boy and take a family photo, where it's the boy, his two daughters, and then him standing on the end. 'Cause you know what he'd be then?

M: What?

B: Third Rock from the son.

He's sleeping outside tonight.



Submitted July 28, 2017 at 10:43PM by stop_making_sense

What's so great about Omaha, Nebraska?

It's the only city that starts with a sigh and ends with a laugh



Submitted July 28, 2017 at 10:29PM by bruchowski

Nun joke we used to tell back when I was in catholic school

Back in the Mexican revolution a bunch of armed men enter a convent and start rounding up all of the nuns in the cafeteria. The leader of the bandits starts yelling:

"We are part of the Pancho Villa army and it is our right to take what we want! We want all of your food and supplies!"

Sister Mary yells from the back: Not the chickens, please, not the chickens!

"I said ALL of your food and supplies!" replied the bandit. "Plus, we are going to rape everyone of you!"

"Not Superior Sister Prudence, please! She's 80 years old!" yelled sister Mary again.

Before the bandit could say anything there was a commotion in the back. It was Superior Sister Prudence making her way to the front yelling: "He said EVERYONE!".



Submitted July 28, 2017 at 03:41PM by kwz

What’s a stalker and a Pokemon nerd got in common?

They both hide in the bushes trying to get a Pikachu.



Submitted July 28, 2017 at 08:36PM by raydeep

Friday, July 28, 2017

Lesson 6 of 6: The Bird, the Cat and the Cow dung

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold, the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While she was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on her. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, she began to realize how warm she was getting, as the dung was actually thawing her out. She lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, promptly dug her out and ate her.

Moral of the story

  1. Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.

  2. Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.

  3. And when you’re in deep shit, it’s best to keep your mouth shut.



Submitted July 28, 2017 at 08:00PM by hadesrdx

My girlfriend said having a four inch penis is OK

Still, I wish she didn't have one



Submitted July 28, 2017 at 08:22PM by shopcounterbill

A woman gets on a bus with her baby.

The bus driver says: 'Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!'

The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming.

She says to a man next to her: 'The driver just insulted me!'

The man quickly replies 'You go up there and tell that bastard off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.'



Submitted July 28, 2017 at 03:17PM by raydeep

Why was the pirate store so successful?

They had the biggest sails!



Submitted July 28, 2017 at 09:20PM by all_three_bolth

Did you hear why Rosemary was always late?

She had nothing but thyme



Submitted July 28, 2017 at 10:43PM by marcuccione

Lesson 5 of 6: The Flying Turkey

A turkey was chatting with a bull “I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree,” sighed the turkey, but I haven’t got the energy.” “Well, why don’t you nibble on my droppings?” replied the bull. “They’re packed with nutrients.” The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who promptly shot the turkey out of the tree.

Moral of the story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it wont keep you there.



Submitted July 28, 2017 at 04:37PM by hadesrdx

What's the proper name for a gay couch?

A homosectional.



Submitted July 28, 2017 at 04:31PM by CipherCypher

I bought a very high quality one-way elevator.

It has never let me down.



Submitted July 28, 2017 at 04:20PM by Spongy_and_Bruised

Did you hear about the $.45 concert?

It's 50 Cent featuring Nickelback!



Submitted July 28, 2017 at 04:46PM by GuessImNotLurking

Wife of a r/jokes user gave birth to beautiful twins.

He held the first baby and his eyes watered up, his heart filled with joy witnessing this miracle. He was speechless.

Then the nurse handed him the second baby, he gave the baby one hard look and handing the baby back to the nurse he uttered a single word "Repost"



Submitted July 28, 2017 at 12:37PM by raydeep

During sex, I accidentally called my wife by my ex-wife name.

I said, "You like that, bitch?"



Submitted July 28, 2017 at 12:02PM by Southruss000

Firstborn Arrival Imminent

Alright r/dadjokes we've been at the hospital for about 16 hours and it's getting close to pushing time.

Would you be kind enough to share your best material for a very soon to be first time father?



Submitted July 28, 2017 at 01:28PM by Christophilies

What is Whitney Houston's Favorite Coordination?

Hand eyyyyyyyyeeeeeeee



Submitted July 28, 2017 at 02:56PM by ThisGuy32

I informed my wife that the world does not revolve around our daughter...

Wife: "Why would you say that?"

Me: "She's our daughter; not our Sun."



Submitted July 28, 2017 at 02:52PM by Maimonides_vii

What do you call a bull that masturbates?

Beef Stoganoff



Submitted July 28, 2017 at 02:23PM by drowlan

What does a dinosaur use to pay bills?

Tyrannosaurus checks



Submitted July 28, 2017 at 02:53PM by iBakedGoods

On the night of his inauguration, Donald Trump is visited by 3 ghosts

Early in the night, FDR appears. Trump asks him "how can I make America great again?" FDR replies "think only of the people; do not make laws based on hatred, bigotry, or with the thought of lining your own pockets" Trump's face sours "FAKE NEWS!" he screams and FDR disappears. Trump falls back to sleep.

A few hours later, he is awakened by George Washington's ghost. Trump asks "how can I make America great again?" Washington replies "I would suggest you never tell a lie", which infuriates Trump. He screams for his bodyguards but Washington is already gone.

Around 3 in the morning, he is visited by the ghost of Abraham Lincoln. Again, he asks "how can I make America great again?". Lincoln thinks for a bit and says "go to the theater".



Submitted July 28, 2017 at 12:06PM by Monechetti

What do you call a helpful sister?

assister.



Submitted July 28, 2017 at 02:30PM by farsaver

I got into an accident, but I managed to save a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching...

my car to reverse leaving the scene.



Submitted July 28, 2017 at 10:42AM by dm_me_your_nudes_pls

What do you call a noodle standing on a corner?

A Pastatute



Submitted July 28, 2017 at 01:43PM by philly_farmer_tan

A pakistani walks into a bar

A pakistani walks into a bar and orders bacon and a beer.

The shocked bartender asks, "isn't this a sin in your religion?"

He replies, " ya but all my sins will be forgiven in mmmm... 2 mins 40 seconds."



Submitted July 28, 2017 at 11:03AM by PotatoHamTheFirst

I'm in the middle of a long and messy divorce and I've decided that suicide is the only way out…

Now all I need to do is talk her into it…



Submitted July 28, 2017 at 08:40AM by madazzahatter

I call my weed The Quran.

Because burning that shit will get you stoned!



Submitted July 28, 2017 at 10:52AM by False1512

A detective is staking out the entrance of a romantic restaurant..

...and after a few hours of not seeing the criminals he's looking for he gets hungry. He calls his partner to fill in for five minutes while he grabs some dinner and tells him to "take a picture of every single person that walks through the door." The partner waits for the detective to return and when he does the detective asks to see the photos that he took. The partner replies "I didn't see any single people, I saw a lot of couples though."



Submitted July 28, 2017 at 12:45PM by nmclamb

There once was a fellow named Saul...

He fell in a spring one fall.

Would have been a sad thing, if he died in that spring,

But he didn't, he died in the fall.



Submitted July 28, 2017 at 11:50AM by TheGarp

A little boy was looking through the keyhole of his sister's room

Mom says with a smile, "why are you concerned with what your sister is doing in there?" Boy replies, "I am not concerned with her, I am wondering what dad is doing."



Submitted July 28, 2017 at 08:06AM by ImpressiveSkillSet

"TOMATO, POTATO, LETTUCES, GET YOUR VEGETABLES HERE!"

Shouted the man in the street, standing in front of boxes filled with vegetables trying to get people to buy them. A woman then walks up to him and asks "Can I have 4 tomatoes, 4 potatoes, and 4 onions please ?" the man says to her: "well I am very sorry but we don't have any onions left, we have tomatoes, we have potatoes, but we're totally out of onions" the woman then says "oh well, then I will have two tomatoes, two potatoes and two onions please" the man says "miss I am sorry but like I said we do not have any onions left" the lady then says "oh I must have miss heard you, then I would have one tomato, one potato and one onion, please." the man gets a little but frustrated with the lady and says "alright, let's play a game, if you take the 'omato' out of tomato, what do you get?" the woman confused says "you would get 't' " the man says "correct, and if you would take the 'otato' out of potato, what would you get ?" the woman says "you would get 'p'" the man then says to her "correct again! now, if you take the 'FUCK' out of onion what would you get then ?" the woman very much confused says "but.... there is no 'fuck' in onion. " and the man screams "CORRECT! THERE IS NO FUCKING ONION!"



Submitted July 28, 2017 at 08:28AM by 12739101

What do you call real bacon?

Genuswine



Submitted July 28, 2017 at 10:06AM by sickladbro

Why did the deer need braces?

He had buck teeth.



Submitted July 28, 2017 at 09:11AM by mkabrah2

When does a pregnant bed bug give birth?

In the Spring.



Submitted July 28, 2017 at 09:35AM by windowlicker1234

Lesson 3 of 6: The Priest

A priest offered a lift to a Nun. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said,”Father, remember Psalm 129?” The priest removed his hand. But,changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, “Father, remember Psalm 129?” The priest apologized “Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.” Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, “Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.”

Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss great opportunities.



Submitted July 28, 2017 at 04:59AM by hadesrdx

A 90-year-old man goes for a physical and all of his tests come back normal…

The doctor says, “Larry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?”

Larry replies, “God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so He’s fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I’m done, poof! The light goes off.”

“Wow, that’s incredible,” the doctor says.

A little later in the day, the doctor calls Larry’s wife.

“Bonnie,” he says, “Larry is doing fine! But I had to call you because I’m in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night, and poof, the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he’s done, poof, the light goes off?”

“Oh sweet Jesus”, exclaims Bonnie. “He’s peeing in the refrigerator again!”



Submitted July 28, 2017 at 07:05AM by madazzahatter

So a gay man decides to come out of the closet and tell his parents...

John: Mom,Dad, I'm gay

Dad (Richard) : ...

Mom: Richie don't...

Dad: ...

Dad: ... (blurted out really fast) Hi Gay, I'm Dad

Edit: Formatting



Submitted July 28, 2017 at 08:38AM by inspectred

One of my boy scouts asked me, "Sir, is this snake poisonous?"

I said, "No, that snake's not poisonous at all."

So the boy picks up the snake which bites him, and the boy starts to spasm and foam at the mouth as the other kids look on in horror.

I continued, "But that snake is venomous. Poison is ingested or absorbed, while venom is injected. Let's get it right next time, boys."



Submitted July 28, 2017 at 07:58AM by madazzahatter

Two women and a man are sitting at a park bench

The first woman looks across the bench at the man and studies his face.

"Oh my gosh" she said to the second woman,

"i think that's Adolf Hitler"!

"It can't be", the second woman responds,

"he killed himself 70 years ago".

But the first woman was sure this man was Hitler, so she leaned across the bench and asked the man,

"why excuse me, are you Adolf Hitler"?

The man looks up,

"indeed, i am Adolf Hitler".

Both woman look at each other in shock,

"see"? says the first woman to the second,

"i told you that was Hitler"!

"My god you're right"!

The second woman responds,

She turns her head to Hitler and asks,

"what are you doing here"?

"Well", he whispers,

"i'm planning another mass homicide".

"I'm going to kill another 6 million Jews, and 6 postmen".

"Why the 6 postmen"?

The two woman ask simultaneously

"See"?

Hitler responds,

"Still no-one gives a shit about the Jews".



Submitted July 28, 2017 at 05:20AM by archiekc

Give a man a gun and he'll rob a bank,

Give a man a bank and he'll rob the world.



Submitted July 28, 2017 at 01:36AM by sneutrinos

Kanye West, Donald Trump, Justin Bieber and Martin Skreli are put in a coliseum, given gladiator weapons and made to fight to the death. Who wins?

Society.



Submitted July 27, 2017 at 11:55PM by -Kiwi-Man-

Two gay guys live in a house...

This is a joke to tell your friends!!

Two gay guys live in a house. One night they're bored so the one gay guy says to the other

"Do you wanna play the game where you find something in the house, stick it up my ass, and I guess what it is?"

"Hell yeah!"

So the one gay guy bends over the couch blind folded while the other guy goes to the kitchen and grabs the wooden spoon. He runs back and sticks it in there. Without flinching he says

"Oh! That's the wooden spoon!"

The other guy runs to the closet and grabs the broomstick. He runs back and shoves it in there. It takes a second, but he quickly responds.

"That's the broomstick!"

Before the other guy runs off he says, "One more time and then it's my turn!"

He runs upstairs to the bathroom and grabs the...

(This is where you have a confused look on your face, as if you can't put your tongue on this name. and start doing the motion of using a plunger. Everytime, someone will scream out plunger!! You hurry up and point to the asshat that says it and say

"Oh! You've play this game?!"

Been using it for over 13 years and works 70% of the time, all the time!

I hope you like it!



Submitted July 27, 2017 at 08:57PM by handbanana718

Why don't women wear skirts in the winter?

Chapped lips



Submitted July 28, 2017 at 12:01AM by 2ndhand5moke

Poop jokes

I hate it when they're too corny.



Submitted July 28, 2017 at 01:30AM by YoureAMuenster

How did the lunatic find his way out of the forest?

He took the psychopath.



Submitted July 27, 2017 at 11:11PM by Mad_Juju

Thursday, July 27, 2017

Why can’t a bike stand on its own?

It’s two tired.



Submitted July 27, 2017 at 11:13PM by smallmoralworks

(NSFW) A priest has a heart attack, and is rushed to the hospital. He wakes up as he's being rushed through the hospital on a gurney by two nurses. "Am I in heaven?" asks the disoriented priest.

"No" says one of the nurses. "We're just taking a short cut through the children's ward".



Submitted July 27, 2017 at 09:25PM by Tatoo00

I went to a Halloween party dressed as a chicken. Met a girl dressed as an egg. A question as old as time was answered

The chicken



Submitted July 27, 2017 at 05:48PM by i_waffle_stomp

I gave all my dead batteries away today .... free of charge

No text found

Submitted July 27, 2017 at 06:00PM by _Uaint_

What do u call a dwarf who talks to the dead and is wanted by the police?

A small medium at large



Submitted July 27, 2017 at 07:02PM by Doc1000

Two adults were hired to watch over an extremely stupid teenager...

...he is immediatly hard to handle, running around and throwing things. So one of the adults decides a movie might help to calm him down.

They rent a horror movie and put it on for him. All is calm for about thirty seconds until the teenager starts making a ruckas again, they ask him why he is not watching the movie, "I doesn't like horror movies cuz they is too scary" he says.

So they go out and get an action movie for him. Again, he only stays quite for about thirty seconds. They again ask him why he is not watching the movie. "I doesn't like action movies cuz they is to violent.

By now both adults are very annoyed. One goes outside to take a break. The other says "Fine, i'll get you a comedy, not too scary not too violent"

The adult outside hears the teenager go quiet. Thirty seconds later, he is suprised to hear laughter, hysterical laughter! The teenager is actually being entertained! The other adult walks in with a grin on his face. "What comedy did you show him?" he ask. "None, I gave him a mirror".



Submitted July 27, 2017 at 05:12PM by bunnydriver1

Obama, Hillary and Trump

Obama, Hillary and Trump are standing at the throne of heaven. God looks at them and says, "Before granting you a place at my side, I must ask you what you have learned, what you believe in."

God asks Obama first: “What do you believe?"

He thinks long and hard, looks God in the eye, and says, "I believe in hard work, and in staying true to family and friends. I believe in giving. I was lucky, but I always tried to do right by my countrymen".

God can’t help but see the essential goodness of Obama, and offers him a seat to his left.

Then God turns to Hillary and says, "What do you believe?"

Hillary says, "I believe passion, discipline, courage and honor are the fundamentals of life. Like Obama I believe in hard work. I, too, have been lucky, but win or lose, I've always tried to be a true patriot and a loyal American."

God is greatly moved by Hillary's high-pitched eloquence, and he offers her a seat to his right.

Finally, God turns to Trump and says, "And you, Donald, what do you believe?"

Trump replies, "I believe you're in my seat."



Submitted July 27, 2017 at 02:43PM by wackoclown

I asked Siri "What do women want?"

My phone has not shut up for the past three days.



Submitted July 27, 2017 at 01:42PM by CherryBlaster

I gave away my old dead batteries to people today....free of charge

No text found

Submitted July 27, 2017 at 05:10PM by Tempox_

I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner

It's just collecting dust



Submitted July 27, 2017 at 05:35PM by tinko1212

Why do fish live in salt water?

Because pepper water makes them sneeze



Submitted July 27, 2017 at 04:20PM by optionalsilence

A girl realizes that she has grown hair between her legs

She gets worried and asks her mom about that hair. Her mom calmly says, "That part where the hair has grown is called your monkey. Be proud that your monkey has grown hair." The girl smiled. At dinner, she tells her sister, "My monkey has grown hair." Her sister smiles and says, "That’s nothing; mine is already eating bananas."



Submitted July 27, 2017 at 01:20PM by Rickshawalli

A woman asks a man - "do you drink beer?"...

Man: Yeah.

Woman: How many beers a day?

Man: Usually about 3.

Woman: How much do you pay per beer?

Man: $5.00, including the tip.

Woman: And how long have you been drinking?

Man: About 20 years, I suppose.

Woman: So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5400 …correct?

Man: Correct.

Woman: If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct?

Man: Correct.

Woman: Do you know that if you didn't drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?

Man: Do you drink beer?

Woman: No.

Man: What color is your Ferrari?



Submitted July 27, 2017 at 11:22AM by StaticTaco

Two men were arrested for stealing a calendar.

They both got six months.



Submitted July 27, 2017 at 01:15PM by catch22milo

England doesn't have a kidney bank but it has a Liverpool

No text found

Submitted July 27, 2017 at 02:14PM by eternalrocket

My first original long joke called "Luck"

When I was young, I was always lucky. When I was five, my mom asked me to give 6 numbers for the lottery. “8, 13, 27, 29, 30, 31” I said. Without any hesitation, my mom punched those numbers on the lottery ticket and hoped for the best. Later that night, my whole family was watching the lottery on the television.

“The winning numbers are 8!” The announcer said.

“Five more numbers and I’m a millionaire!” my mom said with a big smile on her face.

“13!” The announcer continued. My dad, who believed throughout his whole life that the lottery is rigged by politicians, suddenly looked towards the television. It was as if he knew that we were going to win.

“27!” We already have half of the winning numbers. My family wasn’t really that rich, so winning the lottery would be a big help.

“29!” Is it really going to happen? Are we really going to win ₱80,000,000?”

“30!” One more number! The least amount we could get now is ₱50,000. Getting 5 out of the 6 winning numbers is already a big achievement in itself. Even if we don’t win, getting 5 winning numbers was already a testament on how lucky I was.

It was as if God heard me and answered with a big “Okay”.

“32!” Silence filled the room. My dad slowly looked away from the television and started reading his book once again. The smile in my mom’s face quickly disappeared as she stood up and went to sleep. Meanwhile, I was still very proud of my achievement. 5 out of 6 was unbelievably good. The next day, I bragged to my classmates that I had an 83.33333% guess rate. Most of my classmates were like “Whoa, that’s amazing” but one classmate of mine asked “Then what happened to the other 16.66666%?”

That guy’s name was Calvin. Up until high school, he was considered as the “Shotgun King”. He would just shotgun any major test but still end up with a 100% grade. He was one of the few people in the world that were luckier than me. At age 11, he already won the 6/55 Grand Lotto four times, and he wasn’t only lucky with the lottery, he was lucky with everything. Five months ago, he won a 2017 Audi A3 Sedan. Three months ago, he won a Mercedes-Benz AMG 43, and about a week ago, he won a Lockheed Martin F-22 Raptor. He won all these via raffle. There were a lot of doubts about his wins since not even the Philippine Air Force has an F-22.

I haven’t been participating in any more raffles since my mom said that I should focus on my studies. While walking to class, I saw this flyer that said about a raffle with the 1st prize of a Samsung Refrigerator. It was the perfect time to test out my luck skills, besides, my family would extremely benefit from a new refrigerator. While I was putting my raffle entries inside the drop box, someone patted my shoulder.

“Hey Kyle!” the guy said. It was Calvin.

“Hey Calvin, what’s up?” I said.

“You’re entering the raffle too?” He asked.

“Yeah man, it’s been a long time since I won something.” I answered.

“Well good luck.” He said. “I’m joining the raffle too, so the chances of you winning are slim.”

After two days, it was already raffle day. I was positive that I would win, so I sat in front, near where the results were going to be announced.

One by one, the results were slowly announced, starting from the 5th prize.

“The 5th prize goes to Earl Cayanan!”

“The 4th prize goes to Mary Ann Severino!”

“The 3rd prize goes to John Paul Melecio!”

“The 2nd prize goes to Harold Eugenio!”

Finally, it was the time for the 1st prize. In the corner of my eye, I suddenly saw Calvin talking to some security guards. I smell something fishy going on.

“And for the 1st prize, congratulations to Calvin Tolentino!”

Calvin quickly ran up the stage. I didn’t believe the results so I ran up to Calvin, but on the way, two security guards stopped me. I didn’t give up. I shouted: “I’m the real winner, not you! The whole raffle was rigged!” One security guard then grabbed his gun and smacked its base to my head. I passed out.

I then woke up in a hospital room with an old lady whom I’ve never met before, sitting beside me.

“So, do you want to beat Calvin?” She asked.

“What do you mean?” I asked in return.

“I can make you win the next major raffle.”

“How?” I quickly asked as I was interested.

“Well, the next raffle has a bottle made out of diamonds as its first prize. If sold, it could be as expensive as ₱850,000,000.”

“Okay so how do I win it?”

“Hold your horses, young boy, that’s not the real first prize. You shouldn’t win the bottle, but instead, go to the host right after the program has ended. He will give you the keys to the ‘Win All Raffles Robot’ or WARR for short.”

“The what?”

“Okay, this might sound crazy but there is a robot that can make you win all raffle you enter. It’s called the ‘Win All Raffles Robot’.”

“So how does it work?” I asked out of curiosity.

“No one knows, it was sent by God during the 1300’s. What I do now is that whoever has the WARR would never lose a raffle. Your friend Calvin was just really lucky, but with the WARR, you’d be more than lucky.”

“But how would I be sure that the host would give it to me?”

“Well, he is my son.”

“How is he your son?”

“I gave birth to him.”

Since this conversation seemed like it wouldn’t lead to anything useful anymore, I packed my things and left the hospital. Moments later, I saw a flyer that caught my eye.

“Win a 700-year-old Venetian Diamond Wine Bottle worth ₱850,000,000. All you have to do is enter the raffle to have a chance.”

Maybe this was the raffle the old lady was talking about. I quickly went to the raffle booth and entered.

“The raffle draw will be in an hour, sir.” The clerk said. “You can meanwhile sit in our Waiting Area.”

Inside the Waiting Area were chairs, tables, and a television showing a replay of the 2021 NBA Finals. It’s crazy how the Lakers won it in 6 games. Joel Embiid was such a beast for Philadelphia but they still weren’t able to pull it off.

After an hour, I left the waiting room and sat in the front row near the stage where the raffle will be drawn. Slowly, people started coming and the seats started to fill up.

It was time.

The host came out of the curtains and picked one raffle ticket in the spinning jar.

“The 5th prize which is a 1942 Zero Japanese fighter plane, goes to Erika Sanchez!”

“The 4th prize, which is an authentic piece of the Shroud of Turin, goes to Francois LeBourgeoisie!” I can’t believe the host mispronounces his name.

“The 3rd prize, which is the original copy of the Indian epic, the Ramayana, goes to Juan Tiu-Tres.”

“The 2nd prize, which is a legitimate metal shard from the 1947 Roswell UFO Crash goes to Zack Dimagiba.

“And finally, the event you’ve all been waiting for, the 1st prize which is a 700-year-old Venetian Diamond Wine Bottle goes to…Calvin Tolentino!”

“What?!” I shouted as I jumped off my seat.

Someone then suddenly patted my back. It was Calvin.

“It’s okay Kyle, you’ll get your chance.” Calvin said.

I was about to punch him in the face but I suddenly remembered that I never really intended to win the 1st prize, so before Calvin went to the stage to claim his prize, I told him: “Hey Calvin!”

“Yes Kyle?” He said with an intimidating smile to his face.

I moved closer to him, stared him in the eye, and softly said: “You may have won the bottle, but you haven’t won the WARR.”



Submitted July 27, 2017 at 10:41AM by PlatinumRaptor95

Why do Swiss cows wear bells?

Because their horns don't work...



Submitted July 27, 2017 at 01:05PM by Kyleos97

Do you know what the first thing a couple says when they're married?

I do



Submitted July 27, 2017 at 11:23AM by BallinWhiteKid

A man and a woman were driving down the road

A man and a woman were driving down the road arguing about his deplorable fidelity practices when suddenly, the woman reaches over, slices off the mans penis and angrily tosses it out the window of the car.

Driving behind the car is a pickup truck with a man and his 8 year old daughter chatting away beside him. All of the sudden, the penis smacks the pickup in the windshield and flies off.

Surprised, the daughter asks her daddy, "What in the heck was that?!?"

Not wanting to expose his sweet daughter to sex at such a tender age, the father replies, "It was only a fly, honey."

The daughter gets a confused look on her face, and after a minute, she says. "I'm surprised it got off the ground with a dick that big!"



Submitted July 27, 2017 at 08:10AM by ZockMedic

Why do cows have hooves instead of feet?

Because they lactose.



Submitted July 27, 2017 at 11:24AM by Dishes_Delicious

Chinese takeout: $11.77. Price of gas to get there: $1.90.

Making it all the way home and realizing that they forgot one of the containers:

Riceless.



Submitted July 27, 2017 at 10:39AM by A_perfect_sonnet

I used to watch cartoons on Saturday mornings.

Now that cartoons are replaced with infomercials, I have Saturday mournings.



Submitted July 27, 2017 at 07:56AM by Bonanza86

A guy walks into a bar

He orders a rum and coke. The bartender fiddles around under the bar for a second and pulls out an apple. The guy is confused, he says, "no I ordered a rum and coke." The bartender says, "just try it." So he bites it and it tastes just like rum! The bartender says, "now turn it around." And wow! It tastes just like coke! A second guy walks in and orders a gin and tonic, again the bartender fiddles around for a second and pulls out an apple. He's confused. But he bites it, wow! It tastes just like gin! Bartender says to turn it around and wow! It tastes just like tonic! So a third guy walks in and the first two guys are like, "dude you'll never believe it! This bartender can make apples taste like anything!" So, skeptical, the guy says "ok bartender, give me an apple that tastes like pussy." The bartender says ok, fiddled around under the bar for a second and gives him the apple. He bites into it and says, "ew that tastes like shit!" The bartender says, "turn it around."



Submitted July 27, 2017 at 08:29AM by Shipless_Captain

How did the farmer find his wife?

HE TRACTOR DOWN



Submitted July 27, 2017 at 06:24AM by rahulxdd

Apparently, someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds

Poor bastard



Submitted July 27, 2017 at 05:57AM by svalis47

I have a dog with no legs

I call him cigarette. Every night I take him out for a drag.



Submitted July 27, 2017 at 09:04AM by nearedge

I've been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants…

Feefiphobia…



Submitted July 27, 2017 at 06:18AM by madazzahatter

If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you..

I'd start thinking about you.



Submitted July 27, 2017 at 04:57AM by senioritisACT

In the annual scientistific track and field meet, the geologists always lose

Proving once again that gneiss guys finish last.



Submitted July 27, 2017 at 08:54AM by SoDakZak

Real story: I'm prepped for a wedding and walking with my dad about to meet up with my girlfriend. I know his tendencies so I tell him "dad, please, no jokes." And he replies, "with what you're wearing, I won't need to." I roll my eyes and say, "oh, wow, sick burn dad."

I look over, and he's reaching into his pocket and pulls out a little vial, and shakes it out all over me. He hands me this vial and he's made a shitty label around it, and he wrote on this fricken label, "Directions: Add in salt to injury".

He's a legend among my friends dads.



Submitted July 27, 2017 at 10:27AM by SoDakZak

I'd love to get into gardening...

...now that I have more thyme on my hands.



Submitted July 27, 2017 at 09:33AM by iamdestroyerofworlds

A doctor goes out and buys the best car on the market, a brand new Ferrari GTO…

It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000.

He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light.

An old man on a moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to him.

The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, “What kind of car ya got there, sonny?”

The doctor replies, “A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!”

“That’s a lot of money,” says the old man. “Why does it cost so much?”

“Because this car can do up to 250 miles an hour!” states the doctor proudly.

The moped driver asks, “Mind if I take a look inside?”

“No problem,” replies the doctor.

So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around.

Then, sitting back on his moped, the old man says, “That’s a pretty nice car, all right, but I’ll stick with my moped!”

Just then the light changes, so the doctor decides to show the old man just what his car can do.

He floors it, and within 30 seconds, the speedometer reads 150 mph.

Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror – what it could be…and suddenly…

WHHHOOOOOOSSSSSHHH!

Something whips by him going much faster!

“What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?” the doctor asks himself.

He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 175 mph.

Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it’s the old man on the moped!

Amazed that the moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the moped at 210 mph.

WHOOOOOOOSHHHHH!

He’s feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN!

Astounded by the speed of his old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 250 mph.

Not ten seconds later, he sees the moped bearing down on him again!

The Ferrari is flat out, and there’s nothing he can do!

Suddenly, the moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end.

The doctor stops and jumps out and , unbelievably, the old man is still alive.

He runs up to the mangled old man and says, “Oh my gosh! Is there anything I can do for you?”

The old man whispers, “Unhook my suspenders from your side mirror.”



Submitted July 27, 2017 at 07:55AM by madazzahatter

I saw two guys wearing matching clothing and I asked if they were gay.

They quickly arrested me.



Submitted July 26, 2017 at 07:50PM by starlightking00

Your argument is like a naked banana

It simply lacks a peel



Submitted July 27, 2017 at 07:57AM by terminatorgeek

Every time I visit my dad in St. Louis, he will walk into the room looking depressed until whatever girl I brought home for the weekend asks what's wrong.

Lol, jk I'm a redditor, I've never brought a girl home, and that is why I'm the one in a state of Missouri.



Submitted July 27, 2017 at 08:27AM by SoDakZak

Got the perfect title for the 10th fast and furious movie.

Fast 10: your seatbelts



Submitted July 27, 2017 at 07:50AM by Synergy_synner

A guy buys a vintage motorcycle he saw for sale in an ad in the paper.

When he goes to pick the bike up, the dude who sells him the bike says, "

"Now remember....that's all original leather. You can't let it get too wet. If it starts raining and you don't have anywhere to shelter it, make sure you keep a tub of vaseline with you. Rub it all over the seat so the water will just bead off."

The guy takes his new bike and goes to pick up his girlfriend. The girlfriend invites the guy over to her parents house for dinner. This will be the first time he's ever eaten with her family.

"I should let you know the rule of the table" she said. "There is no talking allowed. The first person to talk at the table has to clean the dishes."

The guy doesn't think this is that big of a deal until he arrives at the family's house and looks in the kitchen. There must be at least three months worth of dishes inside. They are stacked up to the ceiling, stinking and rotting of mold and old bits of food everywhere. The guy almost throws up at the smell and sight of such a disgusting state of affairs.

Dinner begins, and no one is saying a word. The tension is starting to get to the boyfriend, so he concocts a plan to make someone else speak first.

The guy drops his fork, goes over to his girlfriend at the table, throws her up on top and just starts fucking her in front of everyone. The father and mother are obviously mortified. But even with their jaws on the floor, no one says a word.

The guy stops and thinks to himself "This is going to be harder than I thought...." then he gets another idea.....

Without hesitation, he runs over to the mother throws her up on the table and fucks the shit out of her, right in front of the father.

The dad is staring daggers through the boyfriend and turning bright red in anger. But still says nothing. The girlfriend is becoming teary eyed and covering her mouth with her hands, but doesn't make a peep.

The boyfriend stops fucking the mother and sits back down at his seat, completely flustered. He takes a gander out the window, and notices a sudden heavy rain has settled in. He then realizes that his vintage motorbike is parked on the street, uncovered.

The boyfriend pops out of his seat and grabs his tub of vaseline. The dad jumps out of his chair and yells out, "ALRIGHT, I'LL DO THE GODDAMNED DISHES!"

Edit: A Classic Joke



Submitted July 27, 2017 at 04:12AM by raydeep

Reddit jokes are like a CB radio..

copy that



Submitted July 26, 2017 at 09:50PM by Not_my_day151

I've been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants…

Feefiphobia…



Submitted July 27, 2017 at 06:19AM by madazzahatter

It's hard to lose a radish.

Because a lot of the time they'll turn up



Submitted July 27, 2017 at 01:58AM by DOAruss

What type of bagel can fly?

A plain bagel.



Submitted July 27, 2017 at 01:50AM by LambSauce0

Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sean Connery were thinking of what to wear to a classical music themed costume party, suddenly Arnold had an idea:

"You be Mozart......"

".......I'll be Bach."

"Dishes a great idea, Ahnold," replied Sean



Submitted July 27, 2017 at 12:26AM by SoDakZak

Wednesday, July 26, 2017

I COMPLETELY disagree with Trump's military trans ban...

I mean, wouldn't all those attack helicopters be useful??



Submitted July 26, 2017 at 05:11PM by Speculatory

Why do sharks swim in salt water?

Because pepper water makes them sneeze.



Submitted July 26, 2017 at 08:56PM by awesomeme27

What is Mozart's shortest symphony?

His thirty-second symphony



Submitted July 26, 2017 at 11:14PM by Amessersmith109

A man is walking over a bridge and he sees a beautiful woman about to jump...

He tries to talk her down, but she's too distraught. Finally, he says to her, "Well, if you're gonna kill yourself anyway, why not give me a nice blowjob first?"

She replies, "Well, it doesn't matter anyway. I guess I might as well make somebody happy before I die."

So she climbs down off the railing and give the dude one of the most amazing experiences of his life. When it's over, he's completely dazed. "That was incredible!" he says. "Why the hell is someone as gorgeous as you with such... talents trying to kill themselves anyway?"

"It's my father. He disowned me."

"But why!?"

"For dressing up as a woman."



Submitted July 26, 2017 at 03:09PM by thudly

What do you call a cow that can't give milk?

An udder failure...



Submitted July 26, 2017 at 07:47PM by Slower_than_u

11 yr old: "Dad, while you're in the kitchen, will you make me popcorn?"

Me: "Poof! You're popcorn!"

11: eye roll

Wife: groan

Me: intent chuckle



Submitted July 26, 2017 at 09:53PM by tbare

The religious painter

Jock, the painter, often would thin his paint so it would go further. So when the Church decided to do some deferred maintenance, Jock was able to put in the low bid, and got the job. As always, he thinned his paint way down with turpentine.

One day while he was up on the scaffolding -- the job almost finished -- he heard a horrendous clap of thunder, and the sky opened.

The downpour washed the thinned paint off the church and knocked Jock off his scaffold and onto the lawn among the gravestones and puddles of thinned and worthless paint.

Jock knew this was a warning from the Almighty, so he got on his knees and cried: “Oh, God! Forgive me! What should I do?”

And from the thunder, a mighty voice: “REPAINT! REPAINT! AND THIN NO MORE!”



Submitted July 26, 2017 at 04:15PM by eyekwah2

Why does everybody hate averages?

Because they're mean



Submitted July 26, 2017 at 07:18PM by ujmhjk

I like the theory of the death penalty

But I have a problem with the execution.



Submitted July 26, 2017 at 05:31PM by hawaii_dude

How do prisoners communicate in prison?

cell phones



Submitted July 26, 2017 at 07:44PM by agangofoldwomen

Every time I visit my dad in St. Louis, he will walk into a room looking depressed until whatever girl I've brought home for the holidays asks what's wrong.

His reply: "Oh, I live in a state of Missouri."



Submitted July 26, 2017 at 06:03PM by SoDakZak

Why did the Mexican take a Xanax?

For hispanic attacks



Submitted July 26, 20