Submitted June 30, 2017 at 10:40PM by 314Piepurr
God came down and first he went to the Germans and said, "I have Commandments for you that will make your lives better."
And the Germans asked, "what are Commandments?"
And the Lord said, "Rules for living."
"Can you give us an example?"
"Thou shalt not kill."
"Not kill? We're not interested."
So He went to the Italians and said, "I have Commandments." And the Italians wanted an example, and the Lord said, "Thou shalt not steal."
"Not steal? We're not interested."
He went to the French and said, "I have Commandments."
The French wanted an example and the Lord said, "Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife."
"Not covet my neighbor's wife? We're not interested."
He went to the Jews and said, "I have Commandments."
"Commandments? How much are they?"
"Good then, we'll take 10!"
It was offal.
...He only cuts hair on the side.
By a strange tribe, deep in the jungle. The people of the tribe confer briefly, and then the chief walks up to the Army officer. "We've decided to kill you," he began, "and make a canoe out of your skin. However, in deference to your rank, we have decided to allow you to choose the manner in which you die."
The officer nods, and replies "If you'll just bring me my sidearm, and a single round, I'll take care of it for you." They do as he asks, and he shoots himself in the head.
Next, the chief speaks to the Naval officer. He gives him the same spiel. The officer explains that they were always a bit gun shy, but if the chief would provide some poison, he'd happily take it. The chief provides some poison, and the Naval officer offs himself.
Finally, the chief visits the Ranger. He explains the situation. The Ranger thinks for a few seconds, and replies "A fork."
"Excuse me?" Says the chief.
"Bring me a fork." The Ranger says
Perplexed, the chief brought him a fork. Without a moment's hesitation, the Ranger starts stabbing with the fork. All up and down his arms, on his legs, his torso, just stabbing like a madman.
"What are you doing??!" The chief asked "That has got to be the most painful way to die!"
The Ranger looked up, with a glint in his eye, and shouts "FUCK YOUR CANOE!"
Trump would never dodge a Twitter war.
He will probably deck you.
His co-worker Buddy asks him "Where'd you get that shiner from, Dan?"
Dan says "I got it at church this weekend"
Buddy: "How the hell do you manage to get a black eye at church?"
Dan: "Well I sitting behind this big fat lady and when we stood up to sing hymns I noticed her dress was stuck in her buttcrack so I pulled it out for her and she swung around and popped me in the eye"
Buddy: "I bet you won't do THAT again will ya, Dan!"
Dan: "You bet your life I won't, Bud"
The next week Dan shows up to work and now BOTH eyes are black so, of course, Buddy asks him if he pulled the dress out of the fat ladys buttcrack again.
Dan says: "Hell no! What happened was when she got up this time the dress was stuck in her buttcrack again and the fella next to me was the dummy who pulled it out. I know she hates if you do that so I tucked it back in there for her"
(Told to me by an old guy at work today)
Two men from Texas were sitting at a bar when a young lady nearby began to choke on a hamburger. She gasped and gagged.
One Texan turned to the other and said “That little gal is havin’ a bad time. I’m gonna go over there and help.”
He ran over to the young lady, held both sides of her head in his big Texan hands and asked “Kin ya swaller?”
Gasping, she shook her head “No.”
He asked “Can ya breathe?”
Still gasping she again shook her head “No.”
With that he yanked up her skirt, pulled down her underwear and licked her ass. The young woman was so shocked that she coughed up the bit of hamburger that was stuck and began to breathe on her own.
The Texan sat back down with his friend and said “Ya know, it’s amazin’ — that hind-lick maneuver always works!”
Two pals were strolling through a military graveyard to pay their respect to fallen heroes. They came across a peculiar gravestone which had an Inscription saying: "Here lies John Avare, a miser till the very end"
Pal 1: That's a very weird inscription to put on someone's grave, I wonder how he died?
Pal 2: My dad mentioned him once, apparently he wouldn't give anything away, money, possessions, not even a live hand grenade.
7 days later T : why didn't you write your homework this time?
P : my dad is still in the hospital.
T : wow, this must be serious.
1 month later
T : Let me guess, you didn't do your homework because your father is still in the hospital.
P : Indeed.
T: well, how come?
P : he's a doctor.
No one expects the Spanish in position.
Because he was too far out, man
You have to say "Leeroy, please paint my fence."
They all hold things up!
Now it Stings with Every Breath I Take.
A man walks into a confession booth.
He says, "Bless me father, for I have sinned."
The priest there says to him, "Speak my child."
The man says, "Well father I lived in Hamburg during the Second World War. The Gestapo was searching for Jews to send to concentration camps, and I hid a Jewish family up in my attic."
The priest is pleased. This is a rather happy confession. He says, "That is a very noble deed my son. Why would you tell me this in confession though?"
The man continues, "Well Father, I also took a lot of rent from them for living in my attic."
The priest is a little taken aback but still happy that the man chose to protect the family. He says, "That was not right on your part. Whenever you do a good deed, you should do it for the happiness it brings others and not your personal gain. The intent was still noble though so you have not sinned."
The man continues, "If that's the case, I feel much better now. I would like to ask for some guidance though."
The priest says, "Ask and I shall answer to the best of my ability."
The man says, "Its about that Jewish family. Should I tell them the war is over?"
Husband: Why not just throw it in the trash? That's much easier.
Wife: But there are poor starving people who can really use all these clothes.
Husband: Honey, anyone who fits into your clothing is not starving.
“I can’t believe that you’ve been visiting prostitutes for sex,” my wife screamed at me. “I’m really disappointed.” “You can hardly blame me,” I answered. “It’s not like I was getting any from you.” “Well, that’s your own fault,” she replied. “You never told me you were willing to pay for it.”
I'm president of the US, eh!
So I got her a bathroom scale.
it's no wonder people are terrified of clowns.
Told him I like still dinner, live dinner doesn't go down easy.
The National Park Rangers are advising hikers in Glacier National Park and other Rocky Mountain parks to be alert for bears and take extra precautions to avoid an encounter.
They advise park visitors to wear little bells on their clothes so they make noise when hiking. The bell noise allows bears to hear them coming from a distance and not be startled by a hiker accidentally sneaking up on them. This might cause a bear to charge.
Visitors should also carry a pepper spray can just in case a bear is encountered. Spraying the pepper into the air will irritate the bear's sensitive nose and it will run away.
It is also a good idea to keep an eye out for fresh bear scat so you have an idea if bears are in the area. People should be able to recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear scat.
Black bear droppings are smaller and often contain berries, leaves, and possibly bits of fur. Grizzly bear droppings tend to contain small bells and smell of pepper.
I have a healer and I'm grinding for gear right now. Me: "I'm thinking about grinding for the flip flops." Boyfriend: "There are flip flops?" Me: "Yea dude." Boyfriend: "If you get the flip flops they'll show off your heals."
Don't worry. He was 0K.
There was a man in France who drove a train for a living.
He loved his job, driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child.
He loved to make the train go as fast as possible.
Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash.
He made it out, but a single person died.
Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incident.
He was found guilty, and was sentenced to death by electrocution.
When the day of the execution came, he requested a single banana as his last meal.
After eating the banana, he was strapped into the electric chair.
The switch was flown, sparks flew and smoke filled the air- but nothing happened.
The man was perfectly fine.
Well, at the time, there was an old france law that said a failed execution was a sign of divine intervention, so the man was allowed to go free.
And somehow, he managed to get his old job back driving the train.
Having not learned his lesson at all, he went right back to driving the train with reckless abandon.
Once again, he caused train to crash, this time killing two people.
The trial went much the same as the first, resulting in a sentence of execution.
For his final meal, the man requested two bananas.
After eating the bananas, he was strapped into the electric chair.
The switch was thrown, sparks flew, smoke filled the room- and the man was once again unharmed.
Well, this of course meant that he was free to go.
And once again, he somehow manages to get his old job back.
To what should have been the surprise of no one, he crashed yet another train and killed three people.
And so he once again found himself being sentenced to death.
On the day of his execution, he requested his final meal- three bananas.
"You know what? No," said the executioner. I've had it with you and your stupid bananas and walking out of here unharmed. I'm not giving you a thing to eat, we're strapping you in and doing this now."
Well, it was against protocol, but the man was strapped in to the electric chair without a last meal.
The switch was pulled, sparks flew, smoke filled the room- and the man was still unharmed.
The executioner was speechless.
The man looked at the executioner and said "Oh, the bananas had nothing to do with it I'm just a bad conductor."
Wife: ? Me: "There's a bottle neck."
I said "yeah, the fucking drain is clogged again. "
Me: Indiana Jones carried a purse, except he called it a "satchel". Wife: Yeah, and Chewbacca carried a purse, except he called it a "WAARGARGAASRHAARRGG".....
They talk, laugh, drink and become good friends. It's not a joke, it's what happens when you're not a fucking asshole.
They get their hands STUCK
If it gets any worse I'll have to let her in
God: "I Noah guy"
Boy: “Dell XPS15, i7 Processor, 2.2 Ghz, LED Display, 4GB Ram, 1TB Hard Disk And 2GB Nvdia Grafics Card And Which 1 You Have?”
Girl: “Don't you see the pink Laptop“
I just don't know how he came to that conclusion.
It was a net loss.
You feel its presents.
Or at least that's what my mailman said.
A man enters a bar and the bartender comes over and asks "Can I help you sir?".
The man answers "What does a cup of coffee cost in this place?".
The bartender says "That would be $2.60".
"Alright, I'll have one." says the client and he takes 26 dimes out of his wallet and he throws them on the ground. The bartender doesn't want to make a scene so he just picks up the money and he brings the man his coffee.
A week later, the same man enters the bar. He orders a coffee again but this time he pays with a five dollar bill.
The bartender smelled an opportunity for revenge and when he brings the coffee, he throws 48 nickels on the ground as change.
The client threw 2 extra dimes on the floor and orders a second coffee.
The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it,"
He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe.
Finally, he realized his solution. On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck. Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to masturbate.
He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to orgasm, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "What?"
He heard, "This is the police. What's going on down there?" The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted."
Came the reply, "Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you're down there because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago."
The zoophiliac says, “I want to have sex with a cat.”
The sadist says, “I want to torture the cat, then have sex with it.”
The pyromaniac says, “I want to torture the cat, set it on fire, then have sex with it.”
The necrophiliac says, “Well I want to torture the cat, set it on fire, have sex with it, kill it, and have sex with it again.”
The masochist says, “Meow.”
Without hesitation she said, "go get me a present and some paper"...
She's now called dad...
“What troubles you, Sister?” asked the Mother Superior. “I thought this was the day you spent with your family.”
“It was,” sighed the Sister. “And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.”
“I seem to recall that,” the Mother Superior agreed. “So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?”
“Far from it,” snorted the Sister. “In fact, I took the Lord’s name in vain today!”
“Goodness, Sister!” gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. “You must tell me all about it!”
“Well, we were on the fifth tee — and this hole is a monster, Mother — 540 yard par 5, with a nasty dogleg right and a hidden green … and I hit the drive of my life. The sweetest swing I’ve ever made. And it’s flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted … and it hits a bird in mid-flight!”
“Oh my!” commiserated the Mother Superior. “How unfortunate! But surely that didn’t make you blaspheme, Sister!”
“No, that wasn’t it,” admitted the Sister. “While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!”
“Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!” sympathized the Mother Superior.
“But I didn’t, Mother!” sobbed the Sister. “And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!”
“So that’s when you cursed,” said the Mother Superior with a knowing smile.
“Nope, that wasn’t it either,” cried the Sister, anguished, “because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!”
The Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said …
“You missed the god damned putt, didn’t you?”
A Chinese chemist took part in a chef competition in UK. His English was barely passable during the presentations, but his cooking skills were great, and he went on qualifying. In the last round, he got tied with another contestant for the first place. So an innovative tie-breaker was devised. Each of them was given a random substance from the shelf which they had to identify and come up with a story within a minute, that involved the substance in the punchline.
The Chinese guy was given baking soda, which he did identify, but didn't know what it was called in English. He thought for a while and went,
"Once upon a time, one big company. It have district manager and regional manager. Both get car from company. One day, RM car DM car crash on road. RM car break front bonnet. Fault of RM. But RM angry boss and ask for replacement, or DM lose job.
So DM buy car bonnet!"
Even if you win, it was a really stupid thing to do.
A stroke of luck
There are no other people in his row as the plane is relatively empty. So he's been going at it for a couple of minutes now, but suddenly an air hostess catches him red handed. "Sir! This is not appropriate behaviour! Please stop this act immediately!" "No way woman! I'm right about to ejaculate on this plane and you can't stop me!" Distressed, the hostess walks into the Captain's cabin and says, "Sir! We have a high jacker, and he's about to shoot!"
Me: "So, do you want to go to Blackbear, or the truck stop diner?"
M: "Okay, and afterwards, I want to stop by the Arco (gas station) and use the vacuum to clean the inside of the car"
W:"No, I hate going to that Arco, the vacuum there sucks"
M: "Isn't that what they're supposed to do?"
W: Rage intensifies
Real life transcript from a text message with my daughter...
Daughter: Dad do you think you can go get me an earwax removal thing from the drugstore? My one ear is plugged and I think it's from earwax
Dad: Are you in pain? Can you wait a little while?
Daughter: I can wait a little bit but it's just annoying because I can only hear out of one ear
Daughter: I can't hear out of one ear
Daughter: I can a little bit but it's really muffled
Dad: Can you speak up?
Daughter stops responding. When will she learn.
A whim away. A whim away.
They just pick it up as they go along.
They had fearsome tattoos and bloodthirsty expressions in their faces and in front of them their terrible chieftain, a man the size of a mountain.
"Well, now I'm fucked," says the man quietly, when suddenly gusts of wind start blowing in the leaves and a mysterious voice whispers in his ear:
"You are not. Take the rock lying next to your foot and bash the chieftain's skull in."
The man, thankful that the spirits of the jungle stand on his side, listens to the instructions, grabs the rock and throws it at the chieftain, killing him instantly.
"Now you're fucked," says the mysterious voice.
They just pick things up as they go along.
"Where on Earth have you been?!"
The fairy says "I will give you what you most desire if you do someone else's job for a day."
The professor says "I'll be an elementary school teacher. What can be so hard about teaching a bunch of 6-year-olds how to read?" so he is teleported into a classroom. After a few minutes, all the kids' screaming gets to his nerves, so he throws all his supplies and gives up.
The C.E.O says "I'll be a waiter. All you do is carry food back and forth. This'll be a breeze" so he is teleported to a restaurant. After about an hour, all the annoying customers drive him insane, so he smashes his plates on the ground and gives up.
The janitor says "I'll be an artist" so he is transported to an art facility. He glues all the classroom supplies and shattered plates to a canvas, then sells it for a billion dollars. The fairy asks the janitor how he was so clever.
The janitor says "I got a masters degree in art."
During WW II, a man was arrested in London for calling Winston Churchill a fool.
The next day in the House of Commons, the opposition members were ready to roast the government for this. "Are we living in a police state", they shouted, "where we cannot call the PM a fool"?
Churchill's reply was truly disarming - "The man was not arrested for calling the Prime Minister a fool", he said, "but for letting out a state secret at a time of war".
She said "I'm on my period and Wonder Woman is sold out," but she pulled some strings and got me in.
Looks like I'm in for a pretty wild December.
One, they're efficient & not very funny
Mr. Smith, a very wealthy man, is in town on business and towards the end of his trip he decides to take a walk on the docks and take in the ocean view.
As he's walking he comes up on a young boy, maybe 12 years old, crying on the edge of the dock.
Mr. Smith hesitates but decides to ask what's wrong.
"Excuse me, Son? Why are you crying?" He asks gently.
The boy wipes away his tears and replies, "Oh, there's just a lot of things going wrong in my life right now. I'm sorry if I bothered you."
Mr. Smith takes note of the boy's politeness, "Is there anything I can do to help? Why don't you tell me what's going on..."
With that the boy breaks down and sobs.
He starts going on and on about his troubles.
His mother is dying of cancer and can't work.
They can't afford the medicine to manage her symptoms.
They haven't eaten in days.
Not even an hour ago the boy had been caught dumpster diving behind a restaurant for food and was caned by the owner.
He tried to go home to his mother but when he got there he saw an eviction notice on the door and he just couldn't bring himself to go inside and give her the news.
Everything was just falling apart and he couldn't take it.
"So I came here and just cried," he finished.
Mr. Smith was shocked.
Of all the people he could have encountered he encountered this boy.
He could solve this boy's problems with a single check.
But Mr. Smith was a firm believer in earning what you got no matter what it was.
As the boy continued to cry, Mr. Smith looked out to the water...
"Son," Mr. Smith began, "What's your name?"
"My name is Johnny." The boy said.
"Johnny, you see that ship out there," he said gesturing to a ship about a mile out from the dock, "I'll make you a deal. If you can swim out to that ship, climb up the mast and wave to me I will write you a check for one million dollars."
Johnny was awestruck. "You really mean it?"
"Absolutely." Mr. Smith confirmed.
Johnny dove into the water without a word and swam like a madman.
Mr. Smith watched with a smile on his face but his smile faded when Johnny turned around and came back.
When Johnny reached the dock he explained he got too tired too quickly and knew he wouldn't make it.
"Well that's ok, Johnny. Tomorrow let's meet here, same time, and you can try again."
The next day they met and Johnny tried but once again he got fatigued and had to turn back.
Mr. Smith asked him if he'd eaten anything and Johnny told him he hadn't.
With that, Mr. Smith gave him some money for a small meal and told him tomorrow was his last day in town so if he was going to succeed it had to be then.
The next day Mr. Smith arrived and Johnny was waiting at the dock with a smile on his face. "You all fed and ready?" Mr. Smith asked.
"Yes, Sir" said Johnny.
And Johnny dove into the water.
This time he was swimming a bit slower.
He seemed to be pacing himself. Mr. Smith watched Johnny get further and further and his smile grew and grew.
What a perfect end to a perfect trip.
He was going to make a difference in this boy's life.
Johnny made it to the ship.
Mr. Smith watched him climb up the mast.
Johnny held on with one hand and reached the other out and started to wave victoriously but suddenly he lost his grip!
Johnny slipped and fell from the top of the mast all the way down to the ship below with a loud thud that echoed in the distance...
But Johnny was ok, know why?
He was used to hardships...
Wife has broken her leg & her Hubby comes home after work.
Hubby: How are you doing?
Wife: Fine. Hey, do me a favor... Go upstairs & get me my slippers. My feet are freezing!
Hubby goes upstairs & sees Wife's two hot sisters lying on the bed.
Hubby: Your sister sent me up to have sex with you girls...
Sisters: Prove it!
Hubby (Shouting): Hey Honey... both of them ??
Wife: (Shouting back): Of course! What's the point of fucking one???...
One is an outside job
A farmer buys a new young cock. As soon as he gets it home, the cock rushes and fucks all 150 hens.
The farmer is impressed. At lunch, the cock screws all 150 hens again. Now, the farmer starts getting worried. The next day, he finds the cock fucking the ducks, the geese, and the lone parrot too.
That evening the farmer finds the cock lying out in the field, pale, half-dead, with vultures circling his head.
The farmer shouts, "you deserve that you horny bastard!"
The cock opens one eye slowly, points up, and replies "shhhh...don't shout, wait for them to land."
(Repost but I felt it needed to be told again)
He drop the Bayes
Because its a punchline.
So naturally I had to kill him and bury him next to it.
The farmer says "Sir, I've lived hear near on 60 years and all that time no one has ever tried to steal a bucket of shit"
Everyone was talking behind my back
Josh definitely has a chance at winning the "no Bell" prize this year
But it will take a while to kill 4 billion people
Because electricity flows in the path of least resistance
Hermitwo and Hermithree.
Dad points towards the Atlantic ocean and says, "From what I hear, there is alot of water that way."
Someone who points out the obvious
I'm worried it's a faux pa
The cop is also a blonde.
Cop: “Let me see your driver’s license.”
Driver: “What’s that?”
Cop: “A square thing with your picture on it.”
Blonde fumbles through her purse, finds a mirror, sees herself in it, and hands it to the cop.
Cop looks at it, hands it back and says,
“I’m gonna let you go without a ticket. I didn’t know you were a cop.”
In the post race interview he said in a nasally voice: I won because I have a cold. So I was extra runny.
... This was terrible.
A boy is selling newspapers in a street corner when a man walks up to him and says "W-w-what t-t-time is it b-boy?" The boy looks at him but doesn't say anything. "I a-asked you a q-question b-boy, W-w-what t-t-time is it?" Again the boy doesn't say anything. The man is getting angry at this point and says "D-damnit boy, I asked y-you a q-question and I e-expect an a-answer. W-w-what time is it?" The boy still doesn't answer and the man storms off. Another man comes up and asks why the kid didn't answer and the boy says "And d-do w-w-what? Get the sh-shit k-kicked out of me?"
Dad: You are on TV!
Me: No, that's not possible!
Dad: Look closely. You are.
Me: Where? [while checking again]
Dad: There! [switched off the TV so I could see my reflection on screen]
But it's still only my first week in Israel.
Because you're supposed to eat 3 squared meals a day.
and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand..
Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.
She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.
For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well
Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.
One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.
Two o'clock and no hired hand.
Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.
She quietly called him over to her..
"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.
Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots."
He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
"Now take off my skirt."
He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.
"Now take off my bra.." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.
Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."
No more jobs...
How do you scare a conservative? Tell them that their child is in the closet!
The teacher asks the class, “Who was the greatest man that ever lived?” A girl raises her hand and says, “I think George Washington was the greatest man that ever lived because he is the father of our country.” The teacher replies, “Well, that’s a very good answer, but that’s not quite the answer I am looking for.” Another young student raises his hand and says, “I think Abraham Lincoln was the greatest man that lived because he freed the slaves and helped end the civil war.” “Well, that’s another good answer, but that is not quite the one I was looking for.” Then the new Jewish boy raises his hand and says, “I think Jesus Christ was the greatest man that ever lived.” The teacher’s jaw drops in astonishment. “Yes!” she says, “That’s the answer I was looking for.” She then brings him up to the front of the classroom and gives him a lollipop. Later, during break time, another Jewish boy approaches him as he is licking his lollipop. “I can’t believe you said 'Jesus Christ'?” The boy replies, “I know it’s Moses and you know it’s Moses, but business is business.”
If Patrick is the star...
The job was soda pressing.
You meet a man on the Oregon trail that tells you his name is Terry. You laugh and tell him that Terry is a girls' name. Without hesitation Terry pulls out a gun and shoots you dead. You have died of dissin Terry.
He really likes to yell it when looking for people and he does it so often that his co-workers started calling him "Doo-doo". So the other day a new hire witnessed this exchange,
Co-worker: Hey Doo-doo can you check for a part that came in? Dad: Yeah no prob.
Confused she asked him: Why do people call you Doo-doo?!
Without missing a beat my dad turned to her and said: CAUSE IM THE SHIT!!!
You can perhaps call me an grammar nazi
Lucky for him, if he was black he would have been found guilty.
And orders a drink. Whilst drinking it, a massively scarred Asian dude stumbles in the bar.
"What happened?" The man asks as he downs his drink.
"There's a dragon 10km east from here." The Asian dude rasps before passing out.
So the Man gets on his bike and travels 10km east and sure enough there's a dragon. It's fire I swear hot enough to melt mountains but eventually the man manages to defeat it. A Hawaiian monk approaches the man.
"You seem very strong, do you mind helping me?" The Hawaiian monk asks.
"Sure, what do you need?" The man replies. The monk tells him of a hidden temple in the desert. So the man hires a private jet and flies into the desert where he meets a sphinx. The sphinx asks him a riddle.
"What walks on four legs in the morning, two in the afternoon and three in the evening?"
After 13 hours the man figures out the answer, a human. The sphinx leads him to the temple. As the man goes through the temple he has to kill hundreds of penguins but finally he makes it to the top floor where there is a red jewel.
He picks up the jewel and a spaceship appears. Bored, the man gets into the spaceship and flies through the galaxy, exploring a ton of planets including Namek and Saturn. Finally the man finds a tiny planet with the surface area of a football pitch. He sets foot on it when a tree ambushes him.
"Hello, will you take me to earth?" The tree asks.
"Sure." The man says.
"You're a great dude so I'll grant you one wish." The tree promises.
"Could you make me a watch that measures time 100% accurately wherever I am?" The man asks.
"Do you realise how advanced that technology would need to be. It would need to take into account relativity, gravity, your velocity and tons of other factors." The tree moans.
"Ok, can you stop people reposting on r/jokes whilst only changing the setup?" The man says.
"What kind of watch again?" The tree asks.
A man walking along a California beach is deep in prayer. All of a sudden, he said out loud, "Lord, Grant me one wish."
The sunny Californian sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish"
The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want."
The Lord replied, "Your request is very materialistic, think if the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports will have to reach down to the bottom of the Pacific Ocean. Just think about the amount of concrete and steel that would have to be used! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honour and glorify me."
The man thought about it for a long time, when finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are they thinking when they give the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say 'nothing' and how can I make them truly happy.
The Lord replied, "Do you want 2 lanes or four lanes on that bridge?"
... and she goes "Dad, this is mayonazing!".
I couldn't be more proud :]
I don't know what he laced them with but I've been tripping all day.
But it wooden whistle.
So I bought a steel whistle. But it steel wooden whistle.
So I bought a lead whistle. But it steel wooden lead me whistle.
So I bought a copper whistle. But the copper steel wooden lead me whistle.
So I bought a tin whistle. Now I can whistle.
Dad: hmmmm, I'm stuck on a clue
Me: bet I can help
Dad: ok, 4 across, the clue is overladen postman
Me: how many letters?
Dad: a blooming sack full
It blew my mind because I've been his customer for years! I had NO IDEA he was a barber!
He got fired for sleeping on the job.
I responded: "to pacifier."
With some thought, he finally said, “Well, all of them were pretty good house keepers...”
“How is that a bad thing?” I wondered.
He replied, “Every time I've divorced, they've kept my house.”
Two guys were picked up by the cops for smoking meth and appeared in court before the judge.
The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and pursuaed them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday."
On Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge asked the first one, "How did you do over the weekend?"
"Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever."
"17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?"
"I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this: O o and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs."
"That's admirable," said the judge. "And you, how did you do?" (to the 2nd guy)
"Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."
"156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that!"
"Well, I used the same two circles. I pointed to the small circle and told them, "This is your asshole before prison…"