Friday, June 30, 2017

How do you make the best party in the galaxy?

Planet



Submitted June 30, 2017 at 10:40PM by 314Piepurr

What happened to the fly on the toilet seat?

He got pissed off!



Submitted July 01, 2017 at 01:46AM by theconnorh

Hey Siri, I'm bleeding really bad. Can you call me an ambulance?



Submitted July 01, 2017 at 01:03AM by Discount_Dracula

It would be really funny if trees had breasts

Wooden tit?



Submitted June 30, 2017 at 09:59PM by mylesal37

God is Offering Commandments

God came down and first he went to the Germans and said, "I have Commandments for you that will make your lives better."

And the Germans asked, "what are Commandments?"

And the Lord said, "Rules for living."

"Can you give us an example?"

"Thou shalt not kill."

"Not kill? We're not interested."

So He went to the Italians and said, "I have Commandments." And the Italians wanted an example, and the Lord said, "Thou shalt not steal."

"Not steal? We're not interested."

He went to the French and said, "I have Commandments."

The French wanted an example and the Lord said, "Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife."

"Not covet my neighbor's wife? We're not interested."

He went to the Jews and said, "I have Commandments."

"Commandments? How much are they?"

"They're free."

"Good then, we'll take 10!"



Submitted June 30, 2017 at 04:47PM by Bushwacker61

My dinner tonight consisted of the internal organs and entrails of a butchered animal.

It was offal.



Submitted June 30, 2017 at 10:44PM by RandomDrunk88

My barber only does Mohawks, and it's his second job...

...He only cuts hair on the side.



Submitted June 30, 2017 at 01:55PM by hitokirizac

I can't decide which blender to buy

They all have mixed reviews



Submitted June 30, 2017 at 09:53PM by TomBradyGoat1212

You know Apple is run by men...

when they call it an iPhone 6+ and it’s only 5.5 inches.



Submitted June 30, 2017 at 03:20PM by adventurer_here

An Army officer, a Naval officer, and a Ranger are captured...

By a strange tribe, deep in the jungle. The people of the tribe confer briefly, and then the chief walks up to the Army officer. "We've decided to kill you," he began, "and make a canoe out of your skin. However, in deference to your rank, we have decided to allow you to choose the manner in which you die."

The officer nods, and replies "If you'll just bring me my sidearm, and a single round, I'll take care of it for you." They do as he asks, and he shoots himself in the head.

Next, the chief speaks to the Naval officer. He gives him the same spiel. The officer explains that they were always a bit gun shy, but if the chief would provide some poison, he'd happily take it. The chief provides some poison, and the Naval officer offs himself.

Finally, the chief visits the Ranger. He explains the situation. The Ranger thinks for a few seconds, and replies "A fork."

"Excuse me?" Says the chief.

"Bring me a fork." The Ranger says

Perplexed, the chief brought him a fork. Without a moment's hesitation, the Ranger starts stabbing with the fork. All up and down his arms, on his legs, his torso, just stabbing like a madman.

"What are you doing??!" The chief asked "That has got to be the most painful way to die!"

The Ranger looked up, with a glint in his eye, and shouts "FUCK YOUR CANOE!"



Submitted June 30, 2017 at 06:32PM by InsideJokeQRD

A blind man walks into a bar

The bartender says "Oh hey! I haven't seen you in forever!" The blind man says "same"



Submitted June 30, 2017 at 07:36PM by aPlateofWater

What do you call an Algebra teacher that does magic on the side?

A math-magician.



Submitted June 30, 2017 at 06:41PM by Lindseyloowhoo

What's the difference between Twitter and Vietnam?

Trump would never dodge a Twitter war.



Submitted June 30, 2017 at 12:38PM by bmacmachine

Waiter: "Are there separate checks or together?"

Dad: "No checks please."



Submitted June 30, 2017 at 07:28PM by The_Real_Goose

Why should you never get into a fistfight with a professional card player?

He will probably deck you.



Submitted June 30, 2017 at 05:53PM by Skystrike7

A man shows up to work with a black eye...

His co-worker Buddy asks him "Where'd you get that shiner from, Dan?"

Dan says "I got it at church this weekend"

Buddy: "How the hell do you manage to get a black eye at church?"

Dan: "Well I sitting behind this big fat lady and when we stood up to sing hymns I noticed her dress was stuck in her buttcrack so I pulled it out for her and she swung around and popped me in the eye"

Buddy: "I bet you won't do THAT again will ya, Dan!"

Dan: "You bet your life I won't, Bud"

The next week Dan shows up to work and now BOTH eyes are black so, of course, Buddy asks him if he pulled the dress out of the fat ladys buttcrack again.

Dan says: "Hell no! What happened was when she got up this time the dress was stuck in her buttcrack again and the fella next to me was the dummy who pulled it out. I know she hates if you do that so I tucked it back in there for her"

(Told to me by an old guy at work today)



Submitted June 30, 2017 at 01:30PM by drlongdongmd

Why aren't koalas real bears?

The don't have the correct koalafications.



Submitted June 30, 2017 at 02:32PM by GladstoneBrookes

I just got a snake that was 3.14 metres long.

It was a πthon.



Submitted June 30, 2017 at 11:25AM by Qunaii

"We Do Not Have A Child Slave Colony On Mars."

They are free to leave the dome whenever they wish.



Submitted June 30, 2017 at 09:13AM by podcastman

I Dad-Joked my Dad while baking a cake

Dad: Shouldn't we get the mixer out to make the batter? Mine: Nah. Let's whisk it.



Submitted June 30, 2017 at 11:47AM by fancynerrd

2 Texas Guys 1 Choking Woman

Two men from Texas were sitting at a bar when a young lady nearby began to choke on a hamburger. She gasped and gagged.

One Texan turned to the other and said “That little gal is havin’ a bad time. I’m gonna go over there and help.”

He ran over to the young lady, held both sides of her head in his big Texan hands and asked “Kin ya swaller?”

Gasping, she shook her head “No.”

He asked “Can ya breathe?”

Still gasping she again shook her head “No.”

With that he yanked up her skirt, pulled down her underwear and licked her ass. The young woman was so shocked that she coughed up the bit of hamburger that was stuck and began to breathe on her own.

The Texan sat back down with his friend and said “Ya know, it’s amazin’ — that hind-lick maneuver always works!”



Submitted June 30, 2017 at 10:11AM by olegkaplun

A Tight-fisted Soldier.

Two pals were strolling through a military graveyard to pay their respect to fallen heroes. They came across a peculiar gravestone which had an Inscription saying: "Here lies John Avare, a miser till the very end"

Pal 1: That's a very weird inscription to put on someone's grave, I wonder how he died?

Pal 2: My dad mentioned him once, apparently he wouldn't give anything away, money, possessions, not even a live hand grenade.



Submitted June 30, 2017 at 01:54PM by gelert456

*dad walks out of labyrinth of corn*

Me: how was it dad?

Dad: i was amazed



Submitted June 30, 2017 at 12:21PM by exactchange516

Teacher : Why didn't you write your homework? Pupil : My dad is in a hospital

7 days later T : why didn't you write your homework this time?

P : my dad is still in the hospital.

T : wow, this must be serious.

1 month later

T : Let me guess, you didn't do your homework because your father is still in the hospital.

P : Indeed.

T: well, how come?

P : he's a doctor.



Submitted June 30, 2017 at 07:51AM by JustADuck18

I've finally worked out why Spain is so good at soccer...

No one expects the Spanish in position.



Submitted June 30, 2017 at 11:08AM by PepperoniPisa

What's the hardest Tea to swallow?

Reality



Submitted June 30, 2017 at 12:04PM by lobsman12

Thank God we don't need to hunt for food anymore

I mean, I have no idea where pizzas live in the wild



Submitted June 30, 2017 at 06:28AM by StenSoft

Why did the lifeguard not try to save the drowning hippie?

Because he was too far out, man



Submitted June 30, 2017 at 10:19AM by Pryxkiran

People today are so politically correct. You can't even say black paint,

You have to say "Leeroy, please paint my fence."



Submitted June 30, 2017 at 09:10AM by HFPerplexity

What do a burglar, a thumbtack, and a belt all have in common?

They all hold things up!



Submitted June 30, 2017 at 11:02AM by WaltorDaquan

What is a tiny plank of wood with nothing to do?

A little bored



Submitted June 30, 2017 at 09:10AM by wer190

My nostril got cut when a buddy tossed a Police CD at me...

Now it Stings with Every Breath I Take.



Submitted June 30, 2017 at 10:51AM by ErikF

Bless me father for I have sinned

A man walks into a confession booth.

He says, "Bless me father, for I have sinned."

The priest there says to him, "Speak my child."

The man says, "Well father I lived in Hamburg during the Second World War. The Gestapo was searching for Jews to send to concentration camps, and I hid a Jewish family up in my attic."

The priest is pleased. This is a rather happy confession. He says, "That is a very noble deed my son. Why would you tell me this in confession though?"

The man continues, "Well Father, I also took a lot of rent from them for living in my attic."

The priest is a little taken aback but still happy that the man chose to protect the family. He says, "That was not right on your part. Whenever you do a good deed, you should do it for the happiness it brings others and not your personal gain. The intent was still noble though so you have not sinned."

The man continues, "If that's the case, I feel much better now. I would like to ask for some guidance though."

The priest says, "Ask and I shall answer to the best of my ability."

The man says, "Its about that Jewish family. Should I tell them the war is over?"



Submitted June 30, 2017 at 07:51AM by DDT126

Wife: I have a bag full of used clothing I'd like to donate.

Husband: Why not just throw it in the trash? That's much easier.

Wife: But there are poor starving people who can really use all these clothes.

Husband: Honey, anyone who fits into your clothing is not starving.



Submitted June 30, 2017 at 07:00AM by Formaldehyde_Is_Life

I can’t believe that you’ve been visiting prostitutes for sex,” my wife screamed at me.

“I can’t believe that you’ve been visiting prostitutes for sex,” my wife screamed at me. “I’m really disappointed.” “You can hardly blame me,” I answered. “It’s not like I was getting any from you.” “Well, that’s your own fault,” she replied. “You never told me you were willing to pay for it.”



Submitted June 30, 2017 at 07:26AM by nharshav

What did the Canadian say when he was elected president of the US?

I'm president of the US, eh!



Submitted June 30, 2017 at 10:14AM by joetromboni

What's the best kind of pan to make sushi in?

Japan



Submitted June 30, 2017 at 07:47AM by oldie101

Son: " Dad, what is child molestation?"

Dad: "Well son, its a very touchy subject"



Submitted June 29, 2017 at 11:18PM by Uckioh

Found a bargain, BOGO for paddles

It was an oar deal.



Submitted June 30, 2017 at 01:23AM by RebelPilgrimHerpDerp

My wife asked me to get her something that goes from 0 to 200 in six seconds for her birthday.

So I got her a bathroom scale.



Submitted June 29, 2017 at 10:44PM by wackoclown

Thursday, June 29, 2017

If the bigger your feet, the bigger your dick, and the bigger your car, the smaller your dick,

it's no wonder people are terrified of clowns.



Submitted June 29, 2017 at 08:48PM by DeoderantNeeded

I have a chicken proof lawn…

It's impeccable…



Submitted June 29, 2017 at 08:24PM by madazzahatter

Did you hear the name of the new, extremely tall female Transformer?

Amazon Prime



Submitted June 29, 2017 at 09:28PM by isarealboy13

What do you call someone who hates feet

Lack toes intolerant



Submitted June 29, 2017 at 08:11PM by papipescado

When does a "joke" become a "dad-joke"?

When the punchline becomes apparent.



Submitted June 29, 2017 at 09:56PM by Zuunster

"Sir we're mining too many useless minerals."

Hitler: "Mine less then." grammar nazi bursts in

"Mine fewer"

Hitler looks over "Yes?"



Submitted June 29, 2017 at 08:03PM by luckyloot98

I made a graph of my past relationships.

It has an ex axis and a why axis.



Submitted June 29, 2017 at 05:26PM by BRENNEJM

If a deaf person goes to court...

Is it still called a hearing?



Submitted June 29, 2017 at 07:19PM by windowlicker1234

Me: If you take the 407 toll road it'll cost you to thirty bucks. Grandma: thirty bucks?! That's highway robbery!

No text found

Submitted June 29, 2017 at 07:54PM by paddlescab

If Donald Trump was a Sith Lord...

His name would be Taxi Vader



Submitted June 29, 2017 at 01:32PM by Rimefang

Brother texted me, asking if we're "not doing dinner, or still dinner?"

Told him I like still dinner, live dinner doesn't go down easy.



Submitted June 29, 2017 at 04:41PM by Coldspyros

Watch for bears this holiday weekend

The National Park Rangers are advising hikers in Glacier National Park and other Rocky Mountain parks to be alert for bears and take extra precautions to avoid an encounter.

They advise park visitors to wear little bells on their clothes so they make noise when hiking. The bell noise allows bears to hear them coming from a distance and not be startled by a hiker accidentally sneaking up on them. This might cause a bear to charge.

Visitors should also carry a pepper spray can just in case a bear is encountered. Spraying the pepper into the air will irritate the bear's sensitive nose and it will run away.

It is also a good idea to keep an eye out for fresh bear scat so you have an idea if bears are in the area. People should be able to recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear scat.

Black bear droppings are smaller and often contain berries, leaves, and possibly bits of fur. Grizzly bear droppings tend to contain small bells and smell of pepper.



Submitted June 29, 2017 at 06:51PM by Scruluce

Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?

Great food, but no atmosphere.



Submitted June 29, 2017 at 05:12PM by Saluana

How'd the couch swallow his medicine?

With a cold sofa.



Submitted June 29, 2017 at 04:51PM by Largedump

Where did the baseball store the lemonade?

In the pitcher.



Submitted June 29, 2017 at 04:19PM by DeanCutlet

My boyfriend used my character to make a joke

I have a healer and I'm grinding for gear right now. Me: "I'm thinking about grinding for the flip flops." Boyfriend: "There are flip flops?" Me: "Yea dude." Boyfriend: "If you get the flip flops they'll show off your heals."



Submitted June 29, 2017 at 02:10PM by CowJuicey

Dad: Son, do we have any 'dop ted'?

Son: What's a "dop ted"?

Dad: YOU ARE! You're adopted!

Son: Nice one, Dad.

Dad: I'm not your Dad.



Submitted June 29, 2017 at 08:55AM by johnnysabu

What's ET short for?

He's only got little legs



Submitted June 29, 2017 at 02:14PM by GladstoneBrookes

Did you hear about that scientist who brought himself to absolute zero in a horrific lab accident?

Don't worry. He was 0K.



Submitted June 29, 2017 at 01:46PM by HotDiggityDamnSon

There was a man in France who used to drive a train for a living...

There was a man in France who drove a train for a living.

He loved his job, driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child.

He loved to make the train go as fast as possible.

Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash.

He made it out, but a single person died.

Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incident.

He was found guilty, and was sentenced to death by electrocution.

When the day of the execution came, he requested a single banana as his last meal.

After eating the banana, he was strapped into the electric chair.

The switch was flown, sparks flew and smoke filled the air- but nothing happened.

The man was perfectly fine.

Well, at the time, there was an old france law that said a failed execution was a sign of divine intervention, so the man was allowed to go free.

And somehow, he managed to get his old job back driving the train.

Having not learned his lesson at all, he went right back to driving the train with reckless abandon.

Once again, he caused train to crash, this time killing two people.

The trial went much the same as the first, resulting in a sentence of execution.

For his final meal, the man requested two bananas.

After eating the bananas, he was strapped into the electric chair.

The switch was thrown, sparks flew, smoke filled the room- and the man was once again unharmed.

Well, this of course meant that he was free to go.

And once again, he somehow manages to get his old job back.

To what should have been the surprise of no one, he crashed yet another train and killed three people.

And so he once again found himself being sentenced to death.

On the day of his execution, he requested his final meal- three bananas.

"You know what? No," said the executioner. I've had it with you and your stupid bananas and walking out of here unharmed. I'm not giving you a thing to eat, we're strapping you in and doing this now."

Well, it was against protocol, but the man was strapped in to the electric chair without a last meal.

The switch was pulled, sparks flew, smoke filled the room- and the man was still unharmed.

The executioner was speechless.

The man looked at the executioner and said "Oh, the bananas had nothing to do with it I'm just a bad conductor."



Submitted June 29, 2017 at 09:54AM by huzaifaghaziani

I got in a fight with a Persian guy once..

I did what I had to do then, Iran.



Submitted June 29, 2017 at 12:50PM by pslayer89

Me while pouring a glass of wine: "Do you know why it's coming out so slowly?"

Wife: ? Me: "There's a bottle neck."



Submitted June 29, 2017 at 12:43PM by yossyrian

My girlfriend came out of the shower and said "I shaved my pussy, you know what that means?

I said "yeah, the fucking drain is clogged again. "



Submitted June 29, 2017 at 11:14AM by thejokertoker

Why to chicken coops have 2 doors?

If they had 4 they'd be chicken sedans.



Submitted June 29, 2017 at 12:07PM by gramj_fw

My wife just earned her "Dad Joke" merit badge....

Me: Indiana Jones carried a purse, except he called it a "satchel". Wife: Yeah, and Chewbacca carried a purse, except he called it a "WAARGARGAASRHAARRGG".....



Submitted June 29, 2017 at 12:30PM by vargasmas

I'm really scared of the ocean

It's one of my deepest fears



Submitted June 29, 2017 at 12:19AM by yxpl

What does the buffalo say to his son leaving for college?

Bison



Submitted June 29, 2017 at 11:08AM by Davanator

2 reasons why I don't give money to homeless people

  1. They need money for drugs.
  2. I need money for drugs.


Submitted June 29, 2017 at 10:27AM by Browncrown8

A Jew, a Christian, a Muslim, a Buddhist, an Agnostic and an Atheist all walk into a restaurant...

They talk, laugh, drink and become good friends. It's not a joke, it's what happens when you're not a fucking asshole.



Submitted June 29, 2017 at 09:13AM by Exzion

All the Pringle ladies, all the Pringle ladies. All the Pringle ladies, all the Pringle ladies.

They get their hands STUCK



Submitted June 29, 2017 at 10:35AM by MACKSBEE

What do you call an overweight Killer Whale?

A Porca!



Submitted June 29, 2017 at 10:51AM by PureFresh

I used to want to work on the railroad

But I realized it would require too much training.



Submitted June 29, 2017 at 10:34AM by Canuckpunk

Grandma's been staring through the window ever since it started to snow

If it gets any worse I'll have to let her in



Submitted June 29, 2017 at 07:36AM by AntiSpedicey

At home, they treat me like God.

I'm generally ignored until someone wants something.



Submitted June 29, 2017 at 03:10AM by bot_10

My dad walked into the kitchen..

Threw some peanuts on the table and said "this place is nuts"



Submitted June 29, 2017 at 09:01AM by ktktgracegrace

Angel: "Will be there anyone surviving the Flood?"

God: "I Noah guy"



Submitted June 29, 2017 at 08:47AM by TheOnlyFuhrer

What shoes do pedophiles wear?

White vans.



Submitted June 29, 2017 at 08:49AM by FhaL97

What do you call a variable with no willpower?

Can not be determined



Submitted June 28, 2017 at 11:41PM by aiden-n-ryan

Just watched Moana for the first time. I'd recommend it if you've been waiting for a movie where people pee in the ocean.

Urine luck.



Submitted June 29, 2017 at 01:15AM by moorsonthecoast

I have a chicken proof lawn…

Its impeccable…



Submitted June 29, 2017 at 07:28AM by madazzahatter

I have a chicken proof lawn…

Its impeccable…



Submitted June 29, 2017 at 07:29AM by madazzahatter

Girl: “Which Laptop Do You Have?”

Boy: “Dell XPS15, i7 Processor, 2.2 Ghz, LED Display, 4GB Ram, 1TB Hard Disk And 2GB Nvdia Grafics Card And Which 1 You Have?”

Girl: “Don't you see the pink Laptop



Submitted June 29, 2017 at 06:53AM by mimekick

My friend said he liked the ending of his book so much, he'd jack off to it.

I just don't know how he came to that conclusion.



Submitted June 29, 2017 at 05:45AM by GrahamCracker98

https://twitter.com/i/moments/880264090572120064



Submitted June 29, 2017 at 06:51AM by sj8979

Did you hear about the earthquake at the soccer stadium? There was some damaged equipment.

It was a net loss.



Submitted June 29, 2017 at 01:26AM by alientonx

How do you find out what a ghost got for its birthday?

You feel its presents.



Submitted June 29, 2017 at 02:10AM by Pryxkiran

I had a vasectomy. Did you know that it actually doesn't prevent your wife from getting pregnant it just changes the color of the baby.

Or at least that's what my mailman said.



Submitted June 29, 2017 at 01:49AM by MadDany94

The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking,

but the invention of the broom swept the nation.



Submitted June 29, 2017 at 03:04AM by bot_10

A man orders coffee

A man enters a bar and the bartender comes over and asks "Can I help you sir?".

The man answers "What does a cup of coffee cost in this place?".

The bartender says "That would be $2.60".

"Alright, I'll have one." says the client and he takes 26 dimes out of his wallet and he throws them on the ground. The bartender doesn't want to make a scene so he just picks up the money and he brings the man his coffee.

A week later, the same man enters the bar. He orders a coffee again but this time he pays with a five dollar bill.

The bartender smelled an opportunity for revenge and when he brings the coffee, he throws 48 nickels on the ground as change.

The client threw 2 extra dimes on the floor and orders a second coffee.



Submitted June 29, 2017 at 12:00AM by Vliolix

What is Gordon Ramsay's favorite subreddit?

It's fucking r/aww



Submitted June 29, 2017 at 12:43AM by TheYungBird

Wednesday, June 28, 2017

I don’t want to brag, but I do speak pig Latin...

I mean, I’m not fluent, but I’m sure if I ever went there, I could get by...



Submitted June 29, 2017 at 02:13AM by madazzahatter

A man was told by his doc that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act.

The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it,"

He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe.

Finally, he realized his solution. On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck. Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to masturbate.

He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to orgasm, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "What?"

He heard, "This is the police. What's going on down there?" The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted."

Came the reply, "Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you're down there because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago."



Submitted June 28, 2017 at 02:51PM by TopTermz

A guy walks into a bar...

ouch!



Submitted June 29, 2017 at 01:23AM by BlueChamp10

What word in the dictionary is spelled incorrectly?

incorrectly



Submitted June 28, 2017 at 11:40PM by 8572103989

What do you call a constipated German

Farfrompoopin



Submitted June 28, 2017 at 09:20PM by coopdun1

A sadist, a necrophiliac, a pyromaniac, a zoophiliac, and a masochist are sitting in a jail cell together.

The zoophiliac says, “I want to have sex with a cat.”

The sadist says, “I want to torture the cat, then have sex with it.”

The pyromaniac says, “I want to torture the cat, set it on fire, then have sex with it.”

The necrophiliac says, “Well I want to torture the cat, set it on fire, have sex with it, kill it, and have sex with it again.”

The masochist says, “Meow.”



Submitted June 28, 2017 at 09:33PM by Hdalby33

A person with an art degree walks into a bar.

They then head behind the counter and start serving drinks.



Submitted June 28, 2017 at 08:23PM by JollySieg

My 9 year old son just told my girlfriend to try to make a rap.

Without hesitation she said, "go get me a present and some paper"...

She's now called dad...



Submitted June 28, 2017 at 09:20PM by SuperDave81

I'm done buying trash bags...

I always just end up throwing them away anyways



Submitted June 28, 2017 at 05:53PM by ZE_Dong

A nun walks into the Mother Superior’s office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh, heavy with frustration.

“What troubles you, Sister?” asked the Mother Superior. “I thought this was the day you spent with your family.”

“It was,” sighed the Sister. “And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.”

“I seem to recall that,” the Mother Superior agreed. “So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?”

“Far from it,” snorted the Sister. “In fact, I took the Lord’s name in vain today!”

“Goodness, Sister!” gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. “You must tell me all about it!”

“Well, we were on the fifth tee — and this hole is a monster, Mother — 540 yard par 5, with a nasty dogleg right and a hidden green … and I hit the drive of my life. The sweetest swing I’ve ever made. And it’s flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted … and it hits a bird in mid-flight!”

“Oh my!” commiserated the Mother Superior. “How unfortunate! But surely that didn’t make you blaspheme, Sister!”

“No, that wasn’t it,” admitted the Sister. “While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!”

“Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!” sympathized the Mother Superior.

“But I didn’t, Mother!” sobbed the Sister. “And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!”

“So that’s when you cursed,” said the Mother Superior with a knowing smile.

“Nope, that wasn’t it either,” cried the Sister, anguished, “because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!”

The Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said …

“You missed the god damned putt, didn’t you?”



Submitted June 28, 2017 at 03:49PM by halbeshendel

"Imagine the class is naked!"

Didn't work, now I'm nervous and I have a boner.

Being the teacher doesn't make it any better.



Submitted June 28, 2017 at 11:48AM by Lyncine

How can you tell the future with a shrimp?

Devein it.



Submitted June 28, 2017 at 07:39PM by Yaongyaong

Chemistry joke.

A Chinese chemist took part in a chef competition in UK. His English was barely passable during the presentations, but his cooking skills were great, and he went on qualifying. In the last round, he got tied with another contestant for the first place. So an innovative tie-breaker was devised. Each of them was given a random substance from the shelf which they had to identify and come up with a story within a minute, that involved the substance in the punchline.

The Chinese guy was given baking soda, which he did identify, but didn't know what it was called in English. He thought for a while and went,

"Once upon a time, one big company. It have district manager and regional manager. Both get car from company. One day, RM car DM car crash on road. RM car break front bonnet. Fault of RM. But RM angry boss and ask for replacement, or DM lose job.

....

So DM buy car bonnet!"



Submitted June 28, 2017 at 11:19AM by TheHickoryDickoryDoc

Arguing with strangers online is like wrestling sharks

Even if you win, it was a really stupid thing to do.



Submitted June 28, 2017 at 10:25AM by NamesArentEverything

I used to be badly addicted to hot chicken.

Eventually I went cold turkey



Submitted June 28, 2017 at 04:39PM by norm58_3

[nsfw] What do you call it when a leprechaun gives you a handjob?

A stroke of luck



Submitted June 28, 2017 at 11:42AM by NitroCipher

A man is jacking off on a plane

There are no other people in his row as the plane is relatively empty. So he's been going at it for a couple of minutes now, but suddenly an air hostess catches him red handed. "Sir! This is not appropriate behaviour! Please stop this act immediately!" "No way woman! I'm right about to ejaculate on this plane and you can't stop me!" Distressed, the hostess walks into the Captain's cabin and says, "Sir! We have a high jacker, and he's about to shoot!"



Submitted June 28, 2017 at 12:13PM by ChrisD0

Wife and I are driving to breakfast

Me: "So, do you want to go to Blackbear, or the truck stop diner?"

Wife: "Blackbear"

M: "Okay, and afterwards, I want to stop by the Arco (gas station) and use the vacuum to clean the inside of the car"

W:"No, I hate going to that Arco, the vacuum there sucks"

M: "Isn't that what they're supposed to do?"

W: Rage intensifies



Submitted June 28, 2017 at 02:35PM by Senor_Andy_Panda

They say "You are what you eat".

I didn't realize I ate hilarious.



Submitted June 28, 2017 at 02:39PM by PandaSoap

R/vegetarian is such a chill, drama-free sub.

They never have any beef.



Submitted June 28, 2017 at 02:13PM by PM_ME_YOUR_KOALAZ

How did the farmer find his wife?

He tractor down.



Submitted June 28, 2017 at 01:05PM by alphasteak

When will they learn?

Real life transcript from a text message with my daughter...

Daughter: Dad do you think you can go get me an earwax removal thing from the drugstore? My one ear is plugged and I think it's from earwax

Dad: Sure

Daughter: Thanks

Dad: Are you in pain? Can you wait a little while?

Daughter: I can wait a little bit but it's just annoying because I can only hear out of one ear

Dad: What?

Daughter: I can't hear out of one ear

Dad: Huh?

Daughter: I can a little bit but it's really muffled

Dad: Can you speak up?

Daughter stops responding. When will she learn.



Submitted June 28, 2017 at 01:19PM by markjake2

At any given moment, the urge to sing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" is just a whim away.

A whim away. A whim away.



Submitted June 28, 2017 at 07:39AM by Hdalby33

What kind of food do King Arthur's Knights eat during long quests?

Grail mix.



Submitted June 28, 2017 at 12:23PM by alsopresent

What do you call a mexican Nazi?

Herr mano.



Submitted June 28, 2017 at 12:29PM by jacksledge12

What can you find a lot of in a dumpster behind a Paris McDonald's?

French Flies



Submitted June 28, 2017 at 11:25AM by motoxcody2005

What did the dad buffalo say to the baby buffalo when he left for college?

Bison



Submitted June 28, 2017 at 12:05PM by chito_bonito

What do you call a black guy with Parkinson's?

A chocolate shake.



Submitted June 28, 2017 at 06:27AM by Jobraw

You know there's no official training for garbage men?

They just pick it up as they go along.



Submitted June 28, 2017 at 09:05AM by skeletonator

A man was crossing the jungle when he got ambushed by a group of natives.

They had fearsome tattoos and bloodthirsty expressions in their faces and in front of them their terrible chieftain, a man the size of a mountain.

"Well, now I'm fucked," says the man quietly, when suddenly gusts of wind start blowing in the leaves and a mysterious voice whispers in his ear:

"You are not. Take the rock lying next to your foot and bash the chieftain's skull in."

The man, thankful that the spirits of the jungle stand on his side, listens to the instructions, grabs the rock and throws it at the chieftain, killing him instantly.

"Now you're fucked," says the mysterious voice.



Submitted June 28, 2017 at 04:35AM by slampisko

You know there's no official training for garbage men?

They just pick things up as they go along.



Submitted June 28, 2017 at 09:04AM by skeletonator

I tried force feeding my son this morning…

"Feed him properly Dave." Said my wife, "You're not a Jedi!"



Submitted June 28, 2017 at 08:11AM by madazzahatter

What customer service leaves you without an organ?

Delivery.



Submitted June 28, 2017 at 07:51AM by chickenisnotmytype

What does your dad do for work?

My dad works in a perfume factory.

Ah, dad makes scents.



Submitted June 28, 2017 at 07:18AM by P4NCAK3

My dad found a newt in our pond once

He took it out and told us that he was gonna name it Tiny because it was my newt



Submitted June 28, 2017 at 06:33AM by edwardn95

What is the difference between a snowman and a snow woman?

Snowballs.



Submitted June 27, 2017 at 07:58PM by dropstop

What did E.T.'s mother say to him when he got home?

"Where on Earth have you been?!"



Submitted June 27, 2017 at 09:12PM by antonyjohne

Tuesday, June 27, 2017

A professor, a CEO, and a janitor are in a forest when they discover a magic fairy.

The fairy says "I will give you what you most desire if you do someone else's job for a day."

The professor says "I'll be an elementary school teacher. What can be so hard about teaching a bunch of 6-year-olds how to read?" so he is teleported into a classroom. After a few minutes, all the kids' screaming gets to his nerves, so he throws all his supplies and gives up.

The C.E.O says "I'll be a waiter. All you do is carry food back and forth. This'll be a breeze" so he is teleported to a restaurant. After about an hour, all the annoying customers drive him insane, so he smashes his plates on the ground and gives up.

The janitor says "I'll be an artist" so he is transported to an art facility. He glues all the classroom supplies and shattered plates to a canvas, then sells it for a billion dollars. The fairy asks the janitor how he was so clever.

The janitor says "I got a masters degree in art."



Submitted June 27, 2017 at 07:15PM by T3hR3p0st3r

Is wonder woman jewish?

Because she Israeli hot.



Submitted June 28, 2017 at 12:36AM by nwhomie

Can you call the British PM a fool?

During WW II, a man was arrested in London for calling Winston Churchill a fool.

The next day in the House of Commons, the opposition members were ready to roast the government for this. "Are we living in a police state", they shouted, "where we cannot call the PM a fool"?

Churchill's reply was truly disarming - "The man was not arrested for calling the Prime Minister a fool", he said, "but for letting out a state secret at a time of war".



Submitted June 27, 2017 at 08:09PM by nightshade_7

I hear Trump's really russian to pass that health care bill

No text found

Submitted June 27, 2017 at 10:05PM by tellthefolksathome

I should have known my friend was a communist.

All the red flags were there.



Submitted June 27, 2017 at 07:01PM by Kyatheir

I told my girlfriend we can either have sex, or go see Wonder Woman.

She said "I'm on my period and Wonder Woman is sold out," but she pulled some strings and got me in.



Submitted June 27, 2017 at 06:10PM by throxi

What do you call a minute that's to short?

A minute minute.



Submitted June 27, 2017 at 04:11PM by catonmyshoulder69

What do you call a plumber in a classic rock band?

Mario Speedwagon



Submitted June 27, 2017 at 09:27PM by Aardwolf7

Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times per year.

Looks like I'm in for a pretty wild December.



Submitted June 27, 2017 at 03:02PM by helen_darten

How many Germans does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One, they're efficient & not very funny



Submitted June 27, 2017 at 11:40AM by drempire

Mr. Smith, a very wealthy man...

Mr. Smith, a very wealthy man, is in town on business and towards the end of his trip he decides to take a walk on the docks and take in the ocean view.

As he's walking he comes up on a young boy, maybe 12 years old, crying on the edge of the dock.

Mr. Smith hesitates but decides to ask what's wrong.

"Excuse me, Son? Why are you crying?" He asks gently.

The boy wipes away his tears and replies, "Oh, there's just a lot of things going wrong in my life right now. I'm sorry if I bothered you."

Mr. Smith takes note of the boy's politeness, "Is there anything I can do to help? Why don't you tell me what's going on..."

With that the boy breaks down and sobs.

He starts going on and on about his troubles.

His mother is dying of cancer and can't work.

They can't afford the medicine to manage her symptoms.

They haven't eaten in days.

Not even an hour ago the boy had been caught dumpster diving behind a restaurant for food and was caned by the owner.

He tried to go home to his mother but when he got there he saw an eviction notice on the door and he just couldn't bring himself to go inside and give her the news.

Everything was just falling apart and he couldn't take it.

"So I came here and just cried," he finished.

Mr. Smith was shocked.

Of all the people he could have encountered he encountered this boy.

He could solve this boy's problems with a single check.

But Mr. Smith was a firm believer in earning what you got no matter what it was.

As the boy continued to cry, Mr. Smith looked out to the water...

"Son," Mr. Smith began, "What's your name?"

"My name is Johnny." The boy said.

"Johnny, you see that ship out there," he said gesturing to a ship about a mile out from the dock, "I'll make you a deal. If you can swim out to that ship, climb up the mast and wave to me I will write you a check for one million dollars."

Johnny was awestruck. "You really mean it?"

"Absolutely." Mr. Smith confirmed.

Johnny dove into the water without a word and swam like a madman.

Mr. Smith watched with a smile on his face but his smile faded when Johnny turned around and came back.

When Johnny reached the dock he explained he got too tired too quickly and knew he wouldn't make it.

"Well that's ok, Johnny. Tomorrow let's meet here, same time, and you can try again."

The next day they met and Johnny tried but once again he got fatigued and had to turn back.

Mr. Smith asked him if he'd eaten anything and Johnny told him he hadn't.

With that, Mr. Smith gave him some money for a small meal and told him tomorrow was his last day in town so if he was going to succeed it had to be then.

The next day Mr. Smith arrived and Johnny was waiting at the dock with a smile on his face. "You all fed and ready?" Mr. Smith asked.

"Yes, Sir" said Johnny.

And Johnny dove into the water.

This time he was swimming a bit slower.

He seemed to be pacing himself. Mr. Smith watched Johnny get further and further and his smile grew and grew.

What a perfect end to a perfect trip.

He was going to make a difference in this boy's life.

Johnny made it to the ship.

Mr. Smith watched him climb up the mast.

Johnny held on with one hand and reached the other out and started to wave victoriously but suddenly he lost his grip!

Johnny slipped and fell from the top of the mast all the way down to the ship below with a loud thud that echoed in the distance...

But Johnny was ok, know why?

...

...

...

...

...

He was used to hardships...



Submitted June 27, 2017 at 04:24PM by T3hR3p0st3r

I am sitting in the car with my coworker.

I ask - "what is one of our suppliers up to?" He says about 5'8"



Submitted June 27, 2017 at 05:13PM by 19Alan92

Wrong use of the word "fuck"...

Wife has broken her leg & her Hubby comes home after work.

Hubby: How are you doing?

Wife: Fine. Hey, do me a favor... Go upstairs & get me my slippers. My feet are freezing!

Hubby goes upstairs & sees Wife's two hot sisters lying on the bed.

Hubby: Your sister sent me up to have sex with you girls...

Sisters: Prove it!

Hubby (Shouting): Hey Honey... both of them ??

Wife: (Shouting back): Of course! What's the point of fucking one???...



Submitted June 27, 2017 at 11:15AM by Adi945

What do you call a heretic who loves wine?

Zinfadel!



Submitted June 27, 2017 at 02:29PM by blargleblargleblarg

There are 10 genders

Because gender is binary.



Submitted June 27, 2017 at 11:31AM by Malibu_Snackbar

What is the difference between 9/11 and a professional gardener?

One is an outside job



Submitted June 27, 2017 at 10:22AM by CollatrlDamage

A farmer buys a new cock

A farmer buys a new young cock. As soon as he gets it home, the cock rushes and fucks all 150 hens.

The farmer is impressed. At lunch, the cock screws all 150 hens again. Now, the farmer starts getting worried. The next day, he finds the cock fucking the ducks, the geese, and the lone parrot too.

That evening the farmer finds the cock lying out in the field, pale, half-dead, with vultures circling his head.

The farmer shouts, "you deserve that you horny bastard!"

The cock opens one eye slowly, points up, and replies "shhhh...don't shout, wait for them to land."

(Repost but I felt it needed to be told again)



Submitted June 27, 2017 at 10:48AM by KingMamba5Ringz

What does a statistician DJ do to raise the crowd's spirit?

He drop the Bayes



Submitted June 27, 2017 at 10:14AM by cyberyder

The punchline to this joke is straight, forward, and hurts

Because its a punchline.



Submitted June 27, 2017 at 12:10PM by Kortonox

My doctor said he thought I had the body of a 25 year old.

So naturally I had to kill him and bury him next to it.



Submitted June 27, 2017 at 09:19AM by LimousineAndAPeetzah

A farmer decides to sell his home and shows a potential buyer around- "there's only 1 downside it's an old farm and all we have is an outhouse" the buyer says "oh, well thats fine- is there a lock?"

The farmer says "Sir, I've lived hear near on 60 years and all that time no one has ever tried to steal a bucket of shit"



Submitted June 27, 2017 at 11:37AM by roadtrip-ne

I had to quit my job as a bus driver due to paranoia

Everyone was talking behind my back



Submitted June 27, 2017 at 09:32AM by anotherfailedthrowaw

Worlds first ATM turned 50 today

I gave it a card



Submitted June 27, 2017 at 12:05PM by WigJr

What do you call a book club that's been stuck on the same book for thousands of years?

A church.



Submitted June 27, 2017 at 05:02AM by aif123

So in regards to what happened between Drake and Josh....

Josh definitely has a chance at winning the "no Bell" prize this year



Submitted June 27, 2017 at 10:28AM by Bassplayer93

8 dudes have as much wealth as 4 billion people. We need to start killing them

But it will take a while to kill 4 billion people



Submitted June 27, 2017 at 07:09AM by nowag

Why is the French military always shocked when they lose a battle?

Because electricity flows in the path of least resistance



Submitted June 27, 2017 at 12:02AM by blackhatlinux

If Hermione was a mathematician what would her kids be named?

Hermitwo and Hermithree.



Submitted June 27, 2017 at 07:10AM by cardboredboxer

Driving to the beach with family. Mom asks dad if we brought any water....

Dad points towards the Atlantic ocean and says, "From what I hear, there is alot of water that way."



Submitted June 27, 2017 at 09:30AM by fuckbillmaher

What do you call someone who points out the obvious?

Someone who points out the obvious



Submitted June 27, 2017 at 06:42AM by Stidza

I usually don't tell dad jokes...

...because he never came back.



Submitted June 27, 2017 at 07:51AM by clearkryptonite

I asked my dad what rhymes with M&M's

He replied, "Dr Dre"



Submitted June 27, 2017 at 06:24AM by s1lentstorm

Is it bad I keep telling dad jokes before I'm a father?

I'm worried it's a faux pa



Submitted June 27, 2017 at 06:55AM by DrugCrazed

Blonde gets caught speeding.

The cop is also a blonde.

Cop: “Let me see your driver’s license.”

Driver: “What’s that?”

Cop: “A square thing with your picture on it.”

Blonde fumbles through her purse, finds a mirror, sees herself in it, and hands it to the cop.

Cop looks at it, hands it back and says,

“I’m gonna let you go without a ticket. I didn’t know you were a cop.”



Submitted June 27, 2017 at 03:18AM by LegendaryFalcon

Monday, June 26, 2017

Seriously! What happened to this sub??



Submitted June 27, 2017 at 02:27AM by rara1947

A man recently won a marathon in a photo finish, beating his rival by a nose

In the post race interview he said in a nasally voice: I won because I have a cold. So I was extra runny.

... This was terrible.



Submitted June 27, 2017 at 01:08AM by Calthropstu

What do South-Koreans have that North-koreans don't?

A Seoul.



Submitted June 27, 2017 at 01:32AM by MisterBL

Don't vaccinate your kids...

Smaller coffins cost less than bigger ones.



Submitted June 26, 2017 at 06:23PM by Space_Fan_0776

Turns out my psychologist is also a prostitute...

Totally blew my mind



Submitted June 26, 2017 at 09:35PM by ilikerobots1010

Boy selling newspapers

A boy is selling newspapers in a street corner when a man walks up to him and says "W-w-what t-t-time is it b-boy?" The boy looks at him but doesn't say anything. "I a-asked you a q-question b-boy, W-w-what t-t-time is it?" Again the boy doesn't say anything. The man is getting angry at this point and says "D-damnit boy, I asked y-you a q-question and I e-expect an a-answer. W-w-what time is it?" The boy still doesn't answer and the man storms off. Another man comes up and asks why the kid didn't answer and the boy says "And d-do w-w-what? Get the sh-shit k-kicked out of me?"



Submitted June 26, 2017 at 07:57PM by sclerf

Guess what? 🤦🏻‍♀️

Dad: You are on TV!

Me: No, that's not possible!

Dad: Look closely. You are.

Me: Where? [while checking again]

Dad: There! [switched off the TV so I could see my reflection on screen]



Submitted June 27, 2017 at 12:00AM by smallmoralworks

I hate Harry Potter...

J.K.



Submitted June 26, 2017 at 11:56PM by chadork

I'm starting to think this country really is run by Jews

But it's still only my first week in Israel.



Submitted June 26, 2017 at 07:20PM by ServalSpots

6 was afraid of 7 because 7, 8, 9, but why did 7 eat 9?

Because you're supposed to eat 3 squared meals a day.



Submitted June 26, 2017 at 06:54PM by ____okay

A successful rancher died

and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand..

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.

For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well

Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.

One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.

Two o'clock and no hired hand.

Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her..

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.

Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots."

He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

"Now take off my skirt."

He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

"Now take off my bra.." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."



Submitted June 26, 2017 at 04:29PM by Bushwacker61

I was going to apply for a position at Apple, but I'm not going to bother...

No more jobs...



Submitted June 26, 2017 at 10:27PM by madazzahatter

How do you scare a child? Tell them that a monster is in the closet.

How do you scare a conservative? Tell them that their child is in the closet!



Submitted June 26, 2017 at 05:07PM by Baeward

A young Jewish boy goes to a new school in a small American mid-west town

The teacher asks the class, “Who was the greatest man that ever lived?” A girl raises her hand and says, “I think George Washington was the greatest man that ever lived because he is the father of our country.” The teacher replies, “Well, that’s a very good answer, but that’s not quite the answer I am looking for.” Another young student raises his hand and says, “I think Abraham Lincoln was the greatest man that lived because he freed the slaves and helped end the civil war.” “Well, that’s another good answer, but that is not quite the one I was looking for.” Then the new Jewish boy raises his hand and says, “I think Jesus Christ was the greatest man that ever lived.” The teacher’s jaw drops in astonishment. “Yes!” she says, “That’s the answer I was looking for.” She then brings him up to the front of the classroom and gives him a lollipop. Later, during break time, another Jewish boy approaches him as he is licking his lollipop. “I can’t believe you said 'Jesus Christ'?” The boy replies, “I know it’s Moses and you know it’s Moses, but business is business.”



Submitted June 26, 2017 at 01:31PM by agenttux

A book just fell on my head

I only have my shelf to blame.



Submitted June 26, 2017 at 04:56PM by buckeyespud

The 3 R's of recycling

Reduce, Reuse, r/jokes



Submitted June 26, 2017 at 03:45PM by MacSanchez

What's the opposite of Disney?

Dat knee.



Submitted June 26, 2017 at 03:23PM by grimgrimgrin

I always wondered why SpongeBob is the main character...

If Patrick is the star...



Submitted June 26, 2017 at 01:41PM by DraftDraw

I threw a Chinese man down the stairs...

It was Wong on so many levels.



Submitted June 26, 2017 at 12:29PM by StopWithEximusPosts

Why did the guy at the Pepsi recycling plant quit his job?

The job was soda pressing.



Submitted June 26, 2017 at 12:56PM by windowlicker1234

You meet a man on the Oregon trail...

You meet a man on the Oregon trail that tells you his name is Terry. You laugh and tell him that Terry is a girls' name. Without hesitation Terry pulls out a gun and shoots you dead. You have died of dissin Terry.



Submitted June 26, 2017 at 01:19PM by Votey_McVoteface

How to birds open doors?

With a turkey



Submitted June 26, 2017 at 01:08PM by nikhilbhavsar

My dad likes to call people "Doo-doo" as a joke.

He really likes to yell it when looking for people and he does it so often that his co-workers started calling him "Doo-doo". So the other day a new hire witnessed this exchange,

Co-worker: Hey Doo-doo can you check for a part that came in? Dad: Yeah no prob.

Confused she asked him: Why do people call you Doo-doo?!

Without missing a beat my dad turned to her and said: CAUSE IM THE SHIT!!!



Submitted June 26, 2017 at 01:34PM by 1jet007

I read mein kampf twice to check if there were any spelling mistakes

You can perhaps call me an grammar nazi



Submitted June 26, 2017 at 01:51PM by TheTazerLazer

What do you call a mean German person?

A Deutschbag



Submitted June 26, 2017 at 10:26AM by KingErth

I said to my dad 'What rhymes with orange?'

He said, no it doesn't.



Submitted June 26, 2017 at 01:11PM by GladstoneBrookes

People say Michael Jackson only became a paedophile when he was white. [NSFW]

Lucky for him, if he was black he would have been found guilty.



Submitted June 26, 2017 at 08:19AM by MrMytie

Yo girl, are you a zero APR loan?

Because I don't really understand your terms and you keep saying you have no interest.



Submitted June 26, 2017 at 12:04PM by Madhav-a

A tennis ball walks into a restaurant....

a waiter asks: "Have you been served?"



Submitted June 26, 2017 at 08:25AM by velvethadron

Asked if I like blowing air at people:

No I'm not a fan



Submitted June 26, 2017 at 11:45AM by norm58_3

A man walks into a bar

And orders a drink. Whilst drinking it, a massively scarred Asian dude stumbles in the bar.

"What happened?" The man asks as he downs his drink.

"There's a dragon 10km east from here." The Asian dude rasps before passing out.

So the Man gets on his bike and travels 10km east and sure enough there's a dragon. It's fire I swear hot enough to melt mountains but eventually the man manages to defeat it. A Hawaiian monk approaches the man.

"You seem very strong, do you mind helping me?" The Hawaiian monk asks.

"Sure, what do you need?" The man replies. The monk tells him of a hidden temple in the desert. So the man hires a private jet and flies into the desert where he meets a sphinx. The sphinx asks him a riddle.

"What walks on four legs in the morning, two in the afternoon and three in the evening?"

After 13 hours the man figures out the answer, a human. The sphinx leads him to the temple. As the man goes through the temple he has to kill hundreds of penguins but finally he makes it to the top floor where there is a red jewel.

He picks up the jewel and a spaceship appears. Bored, the man gets into the spaceship and flies through the galaxy, exploring a ton of planets including Namek and Saturn. Finally the man finds a tiny planet with the surface area of a football pitch. He sets foot on it when a tree ambushes him.

"Hello, will you take me to earth?" The tree asks.

"Sure." The man says.

"You're a great dude so I'll grant you one wish." The tree promises.

"Could you make me a watch that measures time 100% accurately wherever I am?" The man asks.

"Do you realise how advanced that technology would need to be. It would need to take into account relativity, gravity, your velocity and tons of other factors." The tree moans.

"Ok, can you stop people reposting on r/jokes whilst only changing the setup?" The man says.

"What kind of watch again?" The tree asks.



Submitted June 26, 2017 at 10:31AM by forgotusernameoften

A joke my Dad told me that I never understood when I was a child.

A man walking along a California beach is deep in prayer. All of a sudden, he said out loud, "Lord, Grant me one wish."

The sunny Californian sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish"

The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want."

The Lord replied, "Your request is very materialistic, think if the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports will have to reach down to the bottom of the Pacific Ocean. Just think about the amount of concrete and steel that would have to be used! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honour and glorify me."

The man thought about it for a long time, when finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are they thinking when they give the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say 'nothing' and how can I make them truly happy.

The Lord replied, "Do you want 2 lanes or four lanes on that bridge?"



Submitted June 26, 2017 at 08:12AM by supercoooldudewithab

I ordered a gallon of correction fluid the other day...

...big mistake.



Submitted June 26, 2017 at 05:37AM by stupiddie

My 4 y.o. was eating a bit of mayonnaise that fell out of her sandwich ...

... and she goes "Dad, this is mayonazing!".

I couldn't be more proud :]



Submitted June 26, 2017 at 09:33AM by dannyk6

What's a mathmetician's favorite type of art?

Graphiti



Submitted June 26, 2017 at 07:34AM by Sklorn

I bought a pair of tennis shoes from a drug dealer

I don't know what he laced them with but I've been tripping all day.



Submitted June 26, 2017 at 08:46AM by spocxli

I named my daughter Up

Because nobody wants to fuck up.



Submitted June 26, 2017 at 08:39AM by hrhog

I bought a wooden whistle.

But it wooden whistle.

So I bought a steel whistle. But it steel wooden whistle.

So I bought a lead whistle. But it steel wooden lead me whistle.

So I bought a copper whistle. But the copper steel wooden lead me whistle.

So I bought a tin whistle. Now I can whistle.



Submitted June 26, 2017 at 07:16AM by BRENNEJM

My dad was doing a crossword puzzle yesterday.....

Dad: hmmmm, I'm stuck on a clue

Me: bet I can help

Dad: ok, 4 across, the clue is overladen postman

Me: how many letters?

Dad: a blooming sack full



Submitted June 26, 2017 at 02:58AM by bazabbo

What do all dad jokes have in common?

The punch lines are ap-parent.



Submitted June 26, 2017 at 01:58AM by Gatewalk

What do you call a baker whose parents are siblings?

Inbred.



Submitted June 26, 2017 at 06:04AM by Spartan17492

There was a kid that was born with no eyelids.

The doctor was able to use the skin from the circumcision to make him new eyelids. It went really well other than the fact the kid is a little cock-eyed



Submitted June 26, 2017 at 01:57AM by NeGuy1

A local barber in my area just got arrested for selling drugs.

It blew my mind because I've been his customer for years! I had NO IDEA he was a barber!



Submitted June 25, 2017 at 08:10PM by Naproxen-Sodium

Husband: "I want a divorce...

My wife hasn't spoken to me in six months"

Lawyer: "Think about it once again.Wives like that are hard to find."



Submitted June 25, 2017 at 10:53PM by Newsletter94

Sunday, June 25, 2017

My son is afraid of down escalators

I told him not to dream of escalators or he'll stay up all night. (True story)



Submitted June 25, 2017 at 10:50PM by GildorInglorion

Did you hear about the crematorium employee who took a nap on a gurney during his break?

He got fired for sleeping on the job.



Submitted June 25, 2017 at 09:41PM by mppockrus

My wife asked me why I gave my daughter a pacifier...

I responded: "to pacifier."



Submitted June 25, 2017 at 08:45PM by meta4knox

Why did Hitler need glasses?

Because he could Nazi a single thing.



Submitted June 25, 2017 at 11:35PM by bamuelsush

My cross-eyed wife and I just got a divorce....

We didn't see eye to eye. I also found out she was seeing someone on the side.



Submitted June 25, 2017 at 08:53PM by BigFunkyStank

Why are closeted gay people good at poker?

Because they're always putting on a straight face.



Submitted June 25, 2017 at 03:43PM by Talonraker422

I've tried calling Stephen Hawking many times

I keep getting his answering machine



Submitted June 25, 2017 at 02:02PM by agenttux

I have a phobia of stairs

But I'm getting over them, one step at a time



Submitted June 25, 2017 at 10:01PM by MobileTechGuy

I just farted

No shit



Submitted June 25, 2017 at 03:09PM by Sprutnums

When I tell my dad "I'm just hanging out."

Dad-"Well, you'd better tuck yourself back in."



Submitted June 25, 2017 at 08:41PM by NextGenBacon

Recently asked a friend, "What's the worst thing about being divorced three times?"

With some thought, he finally said, “Well, all of them were pretty good house keepers...”

“How is that a bad thing?” I wondered.

He replied, “Every time I've divorced, they've kept my house.”



Submitted June 25, 2017 at 05:43PM by tiny_blonde

O and o

Two guys were picked up by the cops for smoking meth and appeared in court before the judge.

The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and pursuaed them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday."

On Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge asked the first one, "How did you do over the weekend?"

"Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever."

"17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?"

"I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this: O o and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs."

"That's admirable," said the judge. "And you, how did you do?" (to the 2nd guy)

"Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."

"156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that!"

"Well, I used the same two circles. I pointed to the small circle and told them, "This is your asshole before prison…"



Submitted June 25, 2017 at 10:45AM by notmyname123007

Fathers Day

Just a bunch of mother fuckers.



Submitted June 25, 2017 at 03:05PM by Just2bad

*slow clap*

For the guy who posted this beauty of a comment. Careful, the image is NSFW



Submitted June 25, 2017 at 04:40PM by petersk8008

What is 2 + 2 + a week's paid vacation?

Euphoria.



Submitted June 25, 2017 at 07:24PM by Bonanza86