But I yam what I yam.
Submitted May 31, 2017 at 08:43PM by richwallace247
...that we're married and live together, so I'd have to see them every day.
Must be the humidifiyah!
He said, "We have 10 weiners!" I corrected him and told him, " No, that's only 8." He paused for a few seconds to build up the suspense and says, " I don't know about you, but i have one!"
The knife has a point.
One two three, because un deux trois cat sank.
Keep this in mind the next time you are about to repeat a rumor or spread gossip. In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom. One day an acquaintance ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about Diogenes?" "Wait a moment," Socrates replied, "Before you tell me Id like you to pass a little test. Its called the Triple Filter Test." "Triple filter?" asked the acquaintance. "Thats right," Socrates continued, "Before you talk to me about Diogenes lets take a moment to filter what youre going to say. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?" "No," the man said, "Actually I just heard about it." "All right," said Socrates, "So you dont really know if its true or not. Now lets try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about Diogenes something good?" "No, on the contrary..." "So," Socrates continued, "You want to tell me something about Diogenes that may be bad, even though youre not certain its true?" The man shrugged, a little embarrassed. Socrates continued, "You may still pass the test though, because there is a third filter, the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about Diogenes going to be useful to me?" "No, not really." "Well," concluded Socrates, "If what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me or anyone at all?" The man was bewildered and ashamed. This is an example of why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem. It also explains why Socrates never found out that Diogenes was banging his wife
Must be some kind of milestone…
My husband and I sat down on one of the sofas and the sales guy said "You know, this is an Ellen DeGeneres." I looked at him, at bit puzzled, and said "I dunno, it looks more like a couch to me."
The surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The Knob", where a small knob is placed on the top of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new face lift.
Of course, the woman wanted "The Knob."
Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful, the woman remained young looking and vibrant.
After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems: "I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them."
The doctor looked at her closely and said," Those aren't bags, those are your breasts."
She said, "Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee.
Boy throws bag at teacher Teacher: "Who threw that!?" Boy: "Me! I'm going home!
Must be some kind of milestone…
A perk of working in an abortion clinic I guess.
It seems everyone knows how to repost here.
One is a crusty bus station, the other is a busty crustacean.
She said what would you like to see. I said you pick. She said you pick. I said I don't care you pick. She said, Sir there are other people waiting in line to buy tickets.
A man walking along a California beach is deep in prayer. All of a sudden, he said out loud, "Lord, Grant me one wish."
The sunny Californian sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish"
The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want."
The Lord replied, "Your request is very materialistic, think if the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports will have to reach down to the bottom of the Pacific Ocean. Just think about the amount of concrete and steel that would have to be used! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honour and glorify me."
The man thought about it for a long time, when finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are they thinking when they give the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say 'nothing' and how can I make them truly happy.
The Lord replied, "Do you want 2 lanes or four lanes on that bridge?"
The former is a ladder and the latter is a former.
A Redditor walks into a bar and asks the bartender
“Bartender, get me something new and fresh from r/jokes.” He chirped
“Sorry mate, all we have are reposts from the last 8 years”
“How can this be!” The Redditor exclaimed “If I can’t get my fix from r/jokes, then what is the point of living!”
“Yeah, what IS the point of living” the bartender grumbled
The Redditor then sat there for what felt like hours, pondering the meaning of his pitiful existence. Over the later days, he began to become erratic, asking Scientists, Men of God and even random strangers what they thought the purpose of living is.
Unsatisfied with all his answers, he climbs to the side of a bridge in hopes of throwing himself off. His feet where on the edge and he was about to jump when and old man taps his side and says to him
“Do not jump. I know the answers you seek. Look to the stars and continue onwards”
The old man the shuffled off without another word.
With renewed hope swelling in his chest, he gathers all his life savings and builds a rocket ship. Tirelessly, he worked day and night for many, many years until it was finished.
Immediately he jumped in and launched off towards the stars, aimlessly wandering space for so long that he forgot, until he landed on another planet inhabited by alien creatures.
Clambering out of the ship, he desperately asked each alien who came across his path
“Do you know? Do you know the purpose of living?”
The alien creatures could not understand what he was saying, but understood that glint of questions in his eyes like so many others that have come past. They pointed him to a nearby comet that was orbiting the planet. He climbed back into the rocket and shot off to the comet.
Upon landing, he realises that the ball of ice is completely barren, so he then decides to dig.
So he digs and he digs and he digs, but the Redditor was now an old man and those years of searching where finally taking his toll on him.
But as he gets to the center, he finds a piece of parchment with something written on it. The Redditor could feel that these were his last breaths but he was so close to the answer that plagued him his entire life.
The parchment simply read
The Redditor gave a faint chuckle
“The real joke is always in the comets”
If it gets any worse ill need to let her back in.
Unlawful = Against the law
Illegal = A sick bird
Just a hint: I didn't ask a question.
Barack Obama and Donald Trump somehow ended up at the same barber shop, can you just imagine…
As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were both afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn nasty.
As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Trump in his chair reached for the aftershave.
But Donald was quick to stop him, jokingly saying, "No thanks. My wife, Melania, will smell that and think I've been in a brothel."
The second barber turned to Barack and said, "How about you, Mr. Obama ?"
Barack replied, "Go right ahead, my wife Michelle, doesn't know what the inside of a brothel smells like."
I'm working on a great pun but I can't figure out how to finish it, and I haven't had enough sleep (night shift).
"When parting, instead of adios, I'm going to start saying asiago. Yeah I know it's cheesy but..."
Anyone got any good finishers?
My neighbor is dead against it…
Because they both have a lot of soul.
It gets the job done for less than half the cost. That's about as Mexican as it gets.
He begins to worry.
"Is this your husband?" he nervously asks.
"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend, then?" he continues.
"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.
"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured.
"No, no, no! You are so hot when you’re jealous!" she answers.
"Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands.
She whispers in his ear, "That’s me before the surgery."
Her: "Do you know any jokes?"
Her: "I'll teach you one."
Me: "Who's there?"
"Now ask, Ash: who?"
Me: "Ash: who?"
Her: "Please cover your mouth when you sneeze."
"Where the fuck did my roof go?"
No name was given but he was a high wanking officer.
The plane suddenly starts to lose altitude and the captain made an announcement.
"Attention passengers. Due to an engine failure we are forced to dump all your baggage to lighten the plane. Unfortunately the plane is still too heavy so we have no chocie but to start throwing out passengers by alphabetical order until the plane is light enough. We will start with the A's. Will all African Americans please jump out of the plane."
The little boy starts getting up but his dad stopps him. "We are not African Americans."
Shortly after another announcement is made. "Ladies and gentlemen we are still to heavy. We must move to the B's. Will all blacks please jump out of the plane."
The boy starts getting up but his dad stops him again. "No son we are not black." Shortly after another announcement is made. "Ladies and gentlemen we are still to heavy, we must now move to the C's. Will all colored people please jump out the plane."
Again the boy starts getting up but his dad stops him. "No son were not colored." "But dad, if we're not African American, black, or colored, what are we?" "Son, today we're niggers and we sure as hell aint jumping before the Mexicans!"
When I got to the store, I couldn't remember the title. So I told the guy "it's the game where the black guy drives cars round drunk, and shags loads of women"
He gave me a copy of tiger woods PGA golf
He has no idea whats going on, so he returns to the monastary and calls the Mother Superior to his office and asks her "Whats a quicky?" She replies "Twenty dollars, same as in town".
Until she asked if everyone was laughtose-intolerant.
I can also tell when they're standing.
Wife: Woo! You're the best. Gooooo husband!
After all, they're pretty hill areas.
I just did and apparently will not be allowed on this airline again.
5 year old son after reading a story of a king
Son : mom, I also want 3 wives, one will bathe , one will cook and one will sing
Mom : which one will put you to sleep?
Son: no mom, I will still sleep with you. Mom's eyes filled up with tears... God bless you son
Mom : who will the 3 wives sleep with?
Son : let them sleep with daddy
Daddy's eyes filled with tears... God bless you son
I am now independent
I can't stop coming to conclusions.
Yesterday while cleaning the kitchen and throwing out old stuff from the freezer, I put a set of coupons for Harvey's restaurant in there.
This morning I got up and they were on top of the fridge. I asked my wife if she'd removed them and she said she thought they fell in there by accident.
"No," I said, "I didn't want them to expire."
They're both thinking, "Oh shit, my Mom is gonna kill me."
They always crash and burn, and they're just plane wrong to begin with.
If you call a girl fat, she'll never forget it, because elephants never forget.
....what happens next will shock you."
Receding hare line
Oh wait, it came back.
He was high on my list of priorities
...she was quite a bit shocked when they all disagreed.
During a break the two leaders made a bet about the loyalty of their guards.
First, Putin called his guard Ivan into the room, opened the window and said, "Ivan, jump down."
Ivan replied in tears, "Mr. President, how could you do this to me? I have a wife and a son."
Putin explained that he was only joking, and let Ivan out.
Then Kim Jong-Un called his guard Lee, and told him to jump. Lee started running toward the window.
Putin grabbed him and said, "Are you crazy? You will die if you jump!"
Struggling, Lee replied, "Let me go! I have a wife and a son!"
A guy walks into a bar and orders a triple scotch. The bartender pours him the drink and the guy downs it in one gulp. "Wow", says the bartender, "Something bad must have happened". Yeah it did, he said. "I came home early today, went up to the bedroom, and found my wife having sex with my best friend." The bartender pours the guy another triple shot. "This one's on the house". The dude gulps it down once again. The bartender asks "Did you say anything to your wife ? " The guy answers "Yea, I walked up to her, told her to pack her bag's and get out !" "What about your friend ?" asks the bartender. "I looked him straight in the eye and said bad dog.
I opened the refrigerator and it works just fine. Weird.
A little girl is riding along the highway with her mom. When suddenly a dildo falls off the truck in front of them and hits the windshield The little girl asks: Mommy, what was that? The mom, not wanting her little girl to know about sex yet, answers: It was just a bug honey. The little girl sits quitely for a while, before exclaiming: It sure had a big dick.
You have my Word.
Inside he sees a girl that he thinks looks hot. He walks up to her and starts to talk, then stops. The girl is confused and asks "Were you going to say something?" The guy smiles and says "I was gonna tell you a joke about my penis, but it's too long." He sits down next the girl. The girl. Begins to say something but stops. The guy asks if she was going to say something. The girl smiles and says "I was going to tell you a joke about my vagina, but you'll never get it."
You have my word
There was a scientist working away in obscurity for years with peculiar experiments on spiders. After years and years he placed an advertisement in several academic journals to let the community know he was going to host a live show to demonstrate his findings.
At the event hundreds were there more out of curiosity than anything as the details of the findings were kept secret. The man himself wandered on stage and silenced the murmurs.
'Today I will demonstrate two things. The first is that spiders can understand and respond to basic commands.'
The crowd laughed and snickered but undeterred the scientist opened a box on his desk and a spider crawled out.
'Spider, walk left'
The spider moved to its left. The crowd was silenced.
'Spider, move right.'
The spider moved right. The crowd gasped. Forward, backward, the spider responded again and again. The crowd applauded in awe.
The scientist then removed all of the spider's legs. The crowd, confused by this, watched in silence.
The spider didn't move.
Nothing. Forward, backward, no response.
'This is to demonstrate my second finding. Once you remove a spider's legs, it goes deaf.'
A man goes to see the pope.
"Your Holiness. I work for KFC, and we'll offer you ten million dollars to change the reading of the Lord's Prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to ' Give us this day our daily chicken.'"
The pope is aghast! "I can't just go changing God's word for money!"
The man comes back the next day: "Fifty million! Now, think of all the good the church could do with all that money, Your Holiness!"
The pope in unimpressed: "Look, I told you. I just can't do it. I'm sorry."
The guy is back a week later: "Final offer- $500 million. Take it or leave it."
The next day, the pope calls all the leaders of the church together: "Boys, I have good news, and I have bad news. The good news is we've raised $500 million dollars for Catholic Charities."
The room erupts! Everybody is so happy!
The pope waits for the room to settle down. Then-
"And now for the bad news: We lost the Wonder Bread account."
I don't think I can ever repay you.
She said no. Just like 4 years ago.
I replied, "No, but I was shot in the leggy."
"Did you ever get shot in the army?"
He looks at his son in silence. Tears start to form in the Dad's eyes, and he quietly replies;
"No, but I was shot in the leggy."
When all the animals cleared out, only a pair of confused looking snakes remained.
"Didn't you hear me? Go forth and multiply!" Said Noah, annoyed.
"We can't" replied one of the snakes. "We're adders".
I was packing with my girlfriend today. She says: "don't forget to pack the tie rack!"
I gave her a judgemental look and I replied:
"Umm, I believe it's pronounced T-Iraq"
I'm still ashamed.
He asks her, "Where are you going?"
She says, "Las Vegas, I heard I can make 300 bucks for giving blowjobs, so I figured I could make some money doing what I do for you for free."
The husband chuckles and starts to pack his suitcase, and his wife asks what he's doing.
He says, "Coming with you. I want to see how you survive on $600 a year."
King Philip III! (King fill up the third) hahaha
Librarian: "They're right behind you!!"
Their names were Ving and Ling Nguyen. Ving and I became really good friends. After a few years he told me about how he hated his name and wanted to change it. Since he was 18, he decided to go to the courthouse and legally change his name. He wanted to name himself Lee like Bruce Lee. So, Ving and Ling and I head to the courthouse. Ling is kinda pissed and telling Ving about how angry their dad's going to be. Ving was a family name. We get to the courthouse and Ving starts filling out paperwork but halfway through decided against it. He felt guilty about giving up his family name. The lady at the office said that there would be a 80 dollar fee for the paperwork. Ling offered to pay for it. At that very moment, their dad came bursting into the courthouse. He approved of the name change. I'll never forget what he said. " Don't stop, be Lee Ving. Hold onto that fee Ling. "
After it wouldn't wash off this morning I went back to complain, but the tattoo parlour wasn't there.
Superfight is a tabletop game where you make a character with random attributes from the selection of cards dealt to yourself. You will need to justify how your character and their attributes can beat your opponent's character.
We were playing this through Tabletop Simulator and I played a character card titled "Leonardo".
Gf: Dicaprio or Da Vinci
Me: No, DaTurtle
"Jimmy, what did you do during recess?" asks the teacher. "I played in the sand box with Sally!" "That's great! If you can spell 'sand' on the board, you get a cookie!" Jimmy does and gets his reward. "Sally, what did you do during recess?" "I played in the sand box with Jimmy!" "Wow! If you can spell 'box' on the board, you get a cookie!" Sally does and gets a cookie. "Jamal, what did you do during recess?" "I tried to play with Sally and Jimmy but they just threw rocks at me." "Oh my! That sounds like blatant racial discrimination. If you can spell 'blatant racial discrimination' on the board, you get a cookie!"
With a ship's steering attached to his testicles.
Bartender says, "why do you have a steering wheel attached to your testicles?"
Pirate says, "I don't know matey, but it's driving me nuts!"
He's a lion cheetah!!
"Oops, pardon me."
"Do it," I said. "But it might hurt you."
"I know," she replied. "But it's only a needle."
"No," I said. "I mean being single."
Subscribers are already experts at recycling.
She said "I'm on my period and Guardians Of The Galaxy is sold out!"
I said, "It's alright, I'll just sneak in through the rear entrance."
An old couple walk into MacDonald. They order one hamburger, one order of fries and drink.
The old man unwraps the plain hamburger and carefully cuts it in half. He places one half in front of his wife. He then carefully counts out the fries dividing them into two piles and neatly placing one pile in front of his wife.
He takes a sip of the drink, his wife takes a sip and sets the cup down between them.
As he begins to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them keep looking over and whispering."That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them."
As the man begins to eat his fries, a young man comes to the table. He politely offers to buy another meal for the couple.
The old man replies that they're just fine - they're just used to sharing everything.
The surrounding people noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sits there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.
Again the young man comes over and begs them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman says,"No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything,"
As the old man finishes and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again comes over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asks,"May I ask what is it you are waiting for?"
The old woman answers....
Now we have countries....
They don't do Windows.
She says, "What the hell do you guys think you are doing?"
One of the Bulgarian men says, "Can't you see? Ve arrrre all verrry, verrry hoongry."
The waitress makes a stroking motion and says, "So how is whacking-off in the middle of the restaurant going to help that situation??"
One of the other businessmen replies, "The menu say, FIRST COME, FIRST SERVED!"
"Jump in, I'll give you a lift home," I said.
"F*ck you!" he shouted back.
"What an ungrateful little cunt," I thought as I zipped up my backpack and continued my walk.
We were walking around and soon he said, “Look Dad! It's a frickin' Elephant!”
I was shocked and slightly angry, as everybody was looking at us.
“What did you just call it?” I asked.
“It's a frickin' Elephant, it says so on the picture!” he said, and so it did, A F R I C A N Elephant.
He finally served a porpoise!
Whoops wrong sub
Me: Meet me at Mo's Egg House at 8AM. The rental place opens at 9AM and we can get some breakfast. Boyfriend: I know eggsactly where that is.
It's nice to know if they get married and have kids my grandchildren will be in good hands.
A man came in and asked the farmer, “Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?”
The farmer said, “Some things you just can’t explain.”
The man said, “So what happened that’s so horrible?”
“Well, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked over the bucket.”
“OK, but that’s not so bad. What happened then?”
“I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left.”
“OK. And then?”
“Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket.”
"Oh, man. But still, it ain't so bad. What did you do then?”
“I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right.”
“Good. And then?”
“Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as I got the bucket about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail.”
"Shit. So what did you do this time?"
“Well, I didn’t have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter."
"And then my pants fell down and my wife walked in.”
It's called PH1.
But I'd never met herbivore.
A married couple were on holiday in Jamaica . They were touring around the market-place looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small sandal shop.
From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say, ‘You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop..’
So the married couple walked in. The Jamaican said to them, ‘I ‘ave some special sandals I tink you would be interested in. Dey makes you wild at sex.’
Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn’t need them being the Sex God that he was.
The husband asked the man, ‘How could sandals make you a sex freak?’
The Jamaican replied, ‘Just try dem on, Mon.’
Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in and tried them on.
As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn’t seen before!!
In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him over the table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican’s thighs.
The Jamaican began screaming: ‘You got dem on de wrong feet!’
All credit to u/MkaisodL for supplying the link.
Looks like I'm left to my own devices.
black people would rob me
We laughed about it for a while.
Then I remembered me and my wife have different dentists…
Friendship between women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew about it.
Friendship between men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed that he was still there.
This is a repost but I really think we should never let this die.