Wednesday, May 31, 2017

Sometimes I feel like a potato...

But I yam what I yam.



Submitted May 31, 2017 at 08:43PM by richwallace247

What's Forrest Gump's password?

1Forrest1



Submitted May 31, 2017 at 09:04PM by TWM_Huxy

If I had a dollar for every gender there was...

I'd have 2 dollars and a whole lot of counterfeits.



Submitted May 31, 2017 at 08:02PM by Mr_1lluminati

I don't always tell dad jokes...

But when I do, he laughs.



Submitted May 31, 2017 at 01:29PM by M0nkeyWithAGun

Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me...

...that we're married and live together, so I'd have to see them every day.



Submitted May 31, 2017 at 11:06PM by madazzahatter

What cake makes you feel uncomfortable?

Stomachache



Submitted May 31, 2017 at 11:01PM by madazzahatter

I used to smoke weed and go to class...

Sneak in ten minutes late with a bullshit excuse. Slink down low at my desk. Pray to God nobody asked me any questions.

I was the best teacher ever.



Submitted May 31, 2017 at 07:02PM by stupidfatbobkelly

I heard Busta Rhymes can spit a rhyme so vile, his fans start sweating profusely.

Must be the humidifiyah!



Submitted May 31, 2017 at 10:40PM by Bonanza86

What drink fools and hurts you?

A Sucker Punch.



Submitted May 31, 2017 at 06:44PM by Wormri

What's the best name for a discreet tailor shop?

Ahem, ahem.



Submitted May 31, 2017 at 08:18PM by Big-Red-Dog

Me: Ouch! I stubbed my toe!

Dad: Oh no! We better call the toe truck.



Submitted May 31, 2017 at 10:07PM by nyquill81

This just happened...

Mom: Hun could you bait the mouse trap?

Dad: What do you get out of it?

Mom: squinty eyes...Dead mice?

Dad: Oh you mean it comes with a Re-Bait? Proud Dad smile



Submitted May 31, 2017 at 09:30PM by Phishthephrog

I grabbed a pack of hot dogs while my son and I were at the store..

He said, "We have 10 weiners!" I corrected him and told him, " No, that's only 8." He paused for a few seconds to build up the suspense and says, " I don't know about you, but i have one!"

He's 8.



Submitted May 31, 2017 at 08:20PM by FlutieFlakes22

A guy shows up late for work

The boss yells "You should have been here at 8:30!"

He replies: "Why? What happened at 8:30?"



Submitted May 31, 2017 at 03:06PM by StuffyUnicorn

Prison may be just one word

But to others, it's a whole sentence



Submitted May 31, 2017 at 06:07PM by zippitybippitybunch

German sausage is the wurst.

No text found

Submitted May 31, 2017 at 06:57PM by gronke

What kind of dog likes to dive a lot?

A sub woofer



Submitted May 31, 2017 at 04:46PM by MobileTechGuy

I was named after George Washington

My name isn't the same as his I was just named after he was.



Submitted May 31, 2017 at 04:59PM by HawkofNight

What is the difference between arguing with your girlfriend and arguing with a knife?

The knife has a point.



Submitted May 31, 2017 at 11:39AM by EdKenway4

What's the difference between a comma and a cat?

One is a pause at the end of a clause, the other has claws at the end of its paws.



Submitted May 31, 2017 at 12:33PM by MaraInTheSky

Are girls and boys the same?

No, there's a vas deferens.



Submitted May 31, 2017 at 12:48PM by yetanotherAZN

If someone asks me if I look both ways when crossing a street I just shake my head no.

No text found

Submitted May 31, 2017 at 02:30PM by DatFather

Tried to teach my 4yo daughter about fungus...

When her mother came home and asked about our day, my daughter replied: "Oh you know... Say mold, say mold"



Submitted May 31, 2017 at 11:17AM by Amplifier_Worship

This protein powder is really working...

The more ive been taking, the lighter the bag feels!



Submitted May 31, 2017 at 11:44AM by cheapdrinks

Two cats race, one is called one two three, the second one is called un deux trois, which one won?

One two three, because un deux trois cat sank.



Submitted May 31, 2017 at 12:36PM by JonteG55

Socrates the philosopher

Keep this in mind the next time you are about to repeat a rumor or spread gossip. In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom. One day an acquaintance ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about Diogenes?" "Wait a moment," Socrates replied, "Before you tell me Id like you to pass a little test. Its called the Triple Filter Test." "Triple filter?" asked the acquaintance. "Thats right," Socrates continued, "Before you talk to me about Diogenes lets take a moment to filter what youre going to say. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?" "No," the man said, "Actually I just heard about it." "All right," said Socrates, "So you dont really know if its true or not. Now lets try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about Diogenes something good?" "No, on the contrary..." "So," Socrates continued, "You want to tell me something about Diogenes that may be bad, even though youre not certain its true?" The man shrugged, a little embarrassed. Socrates continued, "You may still pass the test though, because there is a third filter, the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about Diogenes going to be useful to me?" "No, not really." "Well," concluded Socrates, "If what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me or anyone at all?" The man was bewildered and ashamed. This is an example of why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem. It also explains why Socrates never found out that Diogenes was banging his wife



Submitted May 31, 2017 at 09:29AM by fugbrah4

How can I tell if my computer runs fast or slow?

I've never seen it move.



Submitted May 31, 2017 at 02:51AM by BigBoyUnoMas

I found a rock yesterday which measured 1760 yards in length…

Must be some kind of milestone…



Submitted May 31, 2017 at 09:42AM by madazzahatter

I was in the furniture store this weekend

My husband and I sat down on one of the sofas and the sales guy said "You know, this is an Ellen DeGeneres." I looked at him, at bit puzzled, and said "I dunno, it looks more like a couch to me."



Submitted May 31, 2017 at 10:51AM by RadRac

A woman in her forties went to a plastic surgeon for a face-lift.

The surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The Knob", where a small knob is placed on the top of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new face lift.

Of course, the woman wanted "The Knob."

Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful, the woman remained young looking and vibrant.

After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems: "I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them."

The doctor looked at her closely and said," Those aren't bags, those are your breasts."

She said, "Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee.



Submitted May 31, 2017 at 07:25AM by zubindalal

Teacher: "Whoever answers my next question can go home."

Boy throws bag at teacher Teacher: "Who threw that!?" Boy: "Me! I'm going home!



Submitted May 31, 2017 at 06:45AM by benasan

The kitchen substituted something for my rice...

Orzo it seems.



Submitted May 31, 2017 at 10:38AM by lord_dumbello

Did you hear about the Mexican farmer that learnt to drive?

Didn't avocado



Submitted May 31, 2017 at 09:14AM by WillNumbers

I have mastered the art of brewing tea

It is now my special-tea



Submitted May 31, 2017 at 02:55AM by _BlNG_

What's a fishes favorite instrument?

A Bass!



Submitted May 31, 2017 at 08:09AM by MichaelScott315

I found a rock yesterday which measured 1760 yards in length…

Must be some kind of milestone…



Submitted May 31, 2017 at 08:05AM by madazzahatter

Since I get free meat from work, every month I host a BBQ.

A perk of working in an abortion clinic I guess.



Submitted May 31, 2017 at 05:04AM by Bexley_Lister

I just found out I'm colorblind

The diagnosis came completely out of the purple.



Submitted May 31, 2017 at 05:50AM by SamuraiKyu

What are you drinking there, son?

Son: soy milk

Dad: hola milk, soy tu padre



Submitted May 31, 2017 at 12:31AM by Elektro192

Is this the right sub? Need help repairing my fence.

It seems everyone knows how to repost here.



Submitted May 31, 2017 at 02:59AM by Po1sonator

What's the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with breast implants?

One is a crusty bus station, the other is a busty crustacean.



Submitted May 31, 2017 at 03:40AM by yershtuhrs

They're finally making a movie about clocks.

It's about time



Submitted May 30, 2017 at 11:34PM by hoff323

Why did the scarecrow get an award?

He was out standing in his field.



Submitted May 30, 2017 at 09:21PM by LBmonti12

Carpet Cleaners Melbourne



Submitted May 31, 2017 at 01:10AM by Troidencorreya

Life is all about perspective...

The sinking of the Titanic was a miracle to the lobsters in the ship's kitchen...



Submitted May 31, 2017 at 12:40AM by madazzahatter

I buy all my guns from a guy called T-Rex

He's a small arms dealer



Submitted May 31, 2017 at 12:01AM by drempire

An attractive woman asked me if I wanted to see a movie yesterday.

She said what would you like to see. I said you pick. She said you pick. I said I don't care you pick. She said, Sir there are other people waiting in line to buy tickets.



Submitted May 31, 2017 at 12:38AM by Gewt92

Tuesday, May 30, 2017

How does every black joke start?

With a look over your shoulder.



Submitted May 30, 2017 at 08:58PM by thsabalala1

What is the most emotional fabric?

Felt



Submitted May 30, 2017 at 08:39PM by Big-Red-Dog

During Ramadan, Sonic the Hedgehog is a Muslim

Because he's gotta go fast.



Submitted May 30, 2017 at 07:26PM by enjineer30302

What's Forrest Gump's password?

1Forrest1



Submitted May 30, 2017 at 09:48PM by LTMG

A joke my Dad told me that I never understood when I was a child.

A man walking along a California beach is deep in prayer. All of a sudden, he said out loud, "Lord, Grant me one wish."

The sunny Californian sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish"

The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want."

The Lord replied, "Your request is very materialistic, think if the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports will have to reach down to the bottom of the Pacific Ocean. Just think about the amount of concrete and steel that would have to be used! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honour and glorify me."

The man thought about it for a long time, when finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are they thinking when they give the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say 'nothing' and how can I make them truly happy.

The Lord replied, "Do you want 2 lanes or four lanes on that bridge?"



Submitted May 30, 2017 at 06:19PM by SwiftFinisher

Why is the ocean so salty?

The land never waves back.



Submitted May 30, 2017 at 04:16PM by boredguy74

An open letter to all of you

C



Submitted May 30, 2017 at 01:35PM by B3tal

What's the difference between a step stool and a 3D printer?

The former is a ladder and the latter is a former.



Submitted May 30, 2017 at 01:49PM by ncalder17

The Meaning of Life

A Redditor walks into a bar and asks the bartender

“Bartender, get me something new and fresh from r/jokes.” He chirped

“Sorry mate, all we have are reposts from the last 8 years”

“How can this be!” The Redditor exclaimed “If I can’t get my fix from r/jokes, then what is the point of living!”

“Yeah, what IS the point of living” the bartender grumbled

The Redditor then sat there for what felt like hours, pondering the meaning of his pitiful existence. Over the later days, he began to become erratic, asking Scientists, Men of God and even random strangers what they thought the purpose of living is.

Unsatisfied with all his answers, he climbs to the side of a bridge in hopes of throwing himself off. His feet where on the edge and he was about to jump when and old man taps his side and says to him

“Do not jump. I know the answers you seek. Look to the stars and continue onwards”

The old man the shuffled off without another word.

With renewed hope swelling in his chest, he gathers all his life savings and builds a rocket ship. Tirelessly, he worked day and night for many, many years until it was finished.

Immediately he jumped in and launched off towards the stars, aimlessly wandering space for so long that he forgot, until he landed on another planet inhabited by alien creatures.

Clambering out of the ship, he desperately asked each alien who came across his path

“Do you know? Do you know the purpose of living?”

The alien creatures could not understand what he was saying, but understood that glint of questions in his eyes like so many others that have come past. They pointed him to a nearby comet that was orbiting the planet. He climbed back into the rocket and shot off to the comet.

Upon landing, he realises that the ball of ice is completely barren, so he then decides to dig.

So he digs and he digs and he digs, but the Redditor was now an old man and those years of searching where finally taking his toll on him.

But as he gets to the center, he finds a piece of parchment with something written on it. The Redditor could feel that these were his last breaths but he was so close to the answer that plagued him his entire life.

The parchment simply read

“OP’s Mom”

The Redditor gave a faint chuckle

“The real joke is always in the comets”



Submitted May 30, 2017 at 12:02PM by Gaffa_Cakes

Since it started snowing, all my grandma has done is stare through the window.

If it gets any worse ill need to let her back in.



Submitted May 30, 2017 at 03:06PM by ItalianPeninsula

Dad joke from my 4 yo cousin

Her: What state has the smallest drinks?

Me: I don't know, which one?

Her: Minisoda



Submitted May 30, 2017 at 04:28PM by JustGotGotten

What is the difference between unlawful and illegal?

Unlawful = Against the law

Illegal = A sick bird



Submitted May 30, 2017 at 11:33AM by PhilipWaterford

What do you call a fat woman with a rape whistle?

An optimist



Submitted May 30, 2017 at 02:43PM by 0redditer0

What has 4 letters, sometimes 9 letters, but never has 5 letters.

Just a hint: I didn't ask a question.



Submitted May 30, 2017 at 03:59PM by Fojanratte

Why did the uptight guy move to Taiwan?

He had a Taipei personality.



Submitted May 30, 2017 at 01:48PM by Big-Red-Dog

Courtesy of my daughter .....

D:Why did the girl fall off the swing? Me: I don't know D: She had no arms!!

Short pause......

D:Knock, knock Me:Who's there? D:NOT THE GIRL!



Submitted May 30, 2017 at 12:37PM by colmwhelan

Why do chickens use dirty words?

Because they only know fowl language.



Submitted May 30, 2017 at 12:42PM by skankerhunt42

Barack V/s Trump

Barack Obama and Donald Trump somehow ended up at the same barber shop, can you just imagine…

As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were both afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn nasty.

As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Trump in his chair reached for the aftershave.

But Donald was quick to stop him, jokingly saying, "No thanks. My wife, Melania, will smell that and think I've been in a brothel."

The second barber turned to Barack and said, "How about you, Mr. Obama ?"

Barack replied, "Go right ahead, my wife Michelle, doesn't know what the inside of a brothel smells like."



Submitted May 30, 2017 at 11:17AM by ntmyrealacct

Help me out with my pun!

I'm working on a great pun but I can't figure out how to finish it, and I haven't had enough sleep (night shift).

"When parting, instead of adios, I'm going to start saying asiago. Yeah I know it's cheesy but..."

Anyone got any good finishers?



Submitted May 30, 2017 at 11:25AM by TangoKiloBandit

What will you do if The Flash dies?

You Barry him.



Submitted May 30, 2017 at 11:30AM by superbboiz

I built an electric fence around my property yesterday…

My neighbor is dead against it…



Submitted May 30, 2017 at 07:22AM by madazzahatter

I hate people who take drugs

Mainly customs officers



Submitted May 30, 2017 at 05:55AM by AmbitiousYoungAdult

Knock knock

Him: Knock knock

Me: Who's there?

Him: Who

Me: Who: who?

Him: Are you an owl?

ಠ_ಠ



Submitted May 30, 2017 at 10:37AM by Bleh182

Why do shoes love the blues and jazz music so much?

Because they both have a lot of soul.



Submitted May 30, 2017 at 11:23AM by 2076baseballbat

I don't understand why some people say, "Taco Bell isn't real Mexican."

It gets the job done for less than half the cost. That's about as Mexican as it gets.



Submitted May 30, 2017 at 08:08AM by IamEu4ic

I hear prisoners in jail get drunk a lot

They hang around bars 24/7.



Submitted May 30, 2017 at 09:12AM by Calthropstu

I don't like computer science jokes..

Not one bit



Submitted May 30, 2017 at 02:06AM by The_Sighborg

After a long night of making love, the guy notices a photo of another man, on the woman’s nightstand by the bed…

He begins to worry.

"Is this your husband?" he nervously asks.

"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend, then?" he continues.

"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.

"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured.

"No, no, no! You are so hot when you’re jealous!" she answers.

"Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands.

She whispers in his ear, "That’s me before the surgery."



Submitted May 30, 2017 at 06:27AM by madazzahatter

I heard Tiger Woods got a DUI...

He should have picked a different driver.



Submitted May 30, 2017 at 07:04AM by fr4gnetic

My 7 y/o niece just dad joked me.

Her: "Do you know any jokes?"

Me: "No."

Her: "I'll teach you one."

 "Knock! Knock!" 

Me: "Who's there?"

Her: "Ash."

 "Now ask, Ash: who?" 

Me: "Ash: who?"

Her: "Please cover your mouth when you sneeze."

Me: rekt



Submitted May 30, 2017 at 06:25AM by nightrider424

Sometimes, at the end of a long day, I like to lie in my bed, look up at the stars, and think…

"Where the fuck did my roof go?"



Submitted May 30, 2017 at 02:48AM by DreadLord64

My son asked me what a dilemma was?

"Imagine you're naked and in a big bed" I explained, "A beautiful woman on one side and a gay man on the other...

Who you going to turn your back on?"



Submitted May 30, 2017 at 04:36AM by zubindalal

What do you call a pessimist sea-bird?

A pelican't.



Submitted May 29, 2017 at 10:56PM by Charmbruster

An officer was fired for smoking cannabis and masturbating on the job.

No name was given but he was a high wanking officer.



Submitted May 29, 2017 at 09:34PM by Sandra_Lopez

Did you know that Iceland is only one sea away...

...from Ireland?



Submitted May 30, 2017 at 12:43AM by madazzahatter

Monday, May 29, 2017

My parents treat me like a god.

They dont believe in me.



Submitted May 29, 2017 at 11:02PM by wasdused

A black child and his father are on an airplane

The plane suddenly starts to lose altitude and the captain made an announcement.

"Attention passengers. Due to an engine failure we are forced to dump all your baggage to lighten the plane. Unfortunately the plane is still too heavy so we have no chocie but to start throwing out passengers by alphabetical order until the plane is light enough. We will start with the A's. Will all African Americans please jump out of the plane."

The little boy starts getting up but his dad stopps him. "We are not African Americans."

Shortly after another announcement is made. "Ladies and gentlemen we are still to heavy. We must move to the B's. Will all blacks please jump out of the plane."

The boy starts getting up but his dad stops him again. "No son we are not black." Shortly after another announcement is made. "Ladies and gentlemen we are still to heavy, we must now move to the C's. Will all colored people please jump out the plane."

Again the boy starts getting up but his dad stops him. "No son were not colored." "But dad, if we're not African American, black, or colored, what are we?" "Son, today we're niggers and we sure as hell aint jumping before the Mexicans!"



Submitted May 29, 2017 at 09:40PM by 420yoloswagkush420

A lion wouldn't drive drunk...

But a Tiger Wood!



Submitted May 29, 2017 at 11:07PM by Kindlefingers

First rule of Alzheimer's club

Never talk about chess club



Submitted May 29, 2017 at 08:13PM by DakotaAchord

What did the handless boy get for Christmas?

Gloves.

Just kidding, he's still trying to open his present.



Submitted May 29, 2017 at 02:03PM by lightly-sauteed-peas

What do you call a cold, angry pig?

A ham-brr-grr.



Submitted May 29, 2017 at 06:58PM by JoeCool888

My son wanted me to buy him GTA

When I got to the store, I couldn't remember the title. So I told the guy "it's the game where the black guy drives cars round drunk, and shags loads of women"

He gave me a copy of tiger woods PGA golf



Submitted May 29, 2017 at 03:23PM by JoffreyTrump

a hooker says "Hey padre, twenty dollars for a quicky".

He has no idea whats going on, so he returns to the monastary and calls the Mother Superior to his office and asks her "Whats a quicky?" She replies "Twenty dollars, same as in town".



Submitted May 29, 2017 at 01:08PM by Eric_Cartman-_-

I accidentally swallowed a race car today.

It's fine, I just have some Indy-gestion.



Submitted May 29, 2017 at 05:29PM by TheCreatorLovesYou

My fiancee was trying to tell jokes and no one was laughing

Until she asked if everyone was laughtose-intolerant.



Submitted May 29, 2017 at 10:49AM by GregoryPanic

A lion would never drive while drunk.

But a tiger wood.



Submitted May 29, 2017 at 04:19PM by NerdyRomantic

I can always tell, just by looking, when someone is lying.

I can also tell when they're standing.



Submitted May 29, 2017 at 12:30PM by adityakr082

I have trained them well, now the wife is in on it... Me: (after a long hot weekend) I need to get a fan.

Wife: Woo! You're the best. Gooooo husband!



Submitted May 29, 2017 at 04:35PM by RoundBottomBee

My dad asked me why I didn't think the mountains were funny

After all, they're pretty hill areas.



Submitted May 29, 2017 at 01:19PM by yupyupnono

How to pirate any movie you like

Rate it 3.14



Submitted May 29, 2017 at 02:55PM by ElonXXIII

Why is the grass depressed?

It's forever a lawn.



Submitted May 29, 2017 at 11:48AM by aakaakaak

What do you call a super hero completely made of ice?

Justice



Submitted May 29, 2017 at 09:37AM by BoGGyy

Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad that you're alive?

I just did and apparently will not be allowed on this airline again.



Submitted May 29, 2017 at 10:36AM by LucidFloozy

Best son ever

5 year old son after reading a story of a king

Son : mom, I also want 3 wives, one will bathe , one will cook and one will sing

Mom : which one will put you to sleep?

Son: no mom, I will still sleep with you. Mom's eyes filled up with tears... God bless you son

Mom : who will the 3 wives sleep with?

Son : let them sleep with daddy

Daddy's eyes filled with tears... God bless you son



Submitted May 29, 2017 at 10:52AM by Cheeherng

Bought a dog from a Blacksmith...

I bought a dog from a blacksmith once. As soon as I got home it made a bolt for the door.



Submitted May 29, 2017 at 10:39AM by _Benny_Lava

I got a picture of myself in a locket for my 18th birthday.

I am now independent



Submitted May 29, 2017 at 08:57AM by myteenangstbodycount

Today I realized I have a bit of a logic fetish....

I can't stop coming to conclusions.



Submitted May 29, 2017 at 10:15AM by richard_apples

What do you call an Italian hooker?

A Pasta-tute



Submitted May 29, 2017 at 06:57AM by krish_yc

My wife left me because I am too insecure.

Never mind, she was just picking up some groceries.



Submitted May 29, 2017 at 08:56AM by onlysane1

Why was Napoleon a bad archeologist?

He would always pick a Bonaparte



Submitted May 29, 2017 at 07:40AM by KingJacobZuma

Set myself up for a Dad joke and it paid off

Yesterday while cleaning the kitchen and throwing out old stuff from the freezer, I put a set of coupons for Harvey's restaurant in there.

This morning I got up and they were on top of the fridge. I asked my wife if she'd removed them and she said she thought they fell in there by accident.

"No," I said, "I didn't want them to expire."



Submitted May 29, 2017 at 07:36AM by GringoDeMaio

Drugs are illegal in Saudi Arabia but...

It's pretty easy to get stoned there



Submitted May 29, 2017 at 04:21AM by bored_and_underaged

What do a pregnant teenage girl and her baby have in common?

They're both thinking, "Oh shit, my Mom is gonna kill me."



Submitted May 28, 2017 at 11:46PM by Reddit_User479

What classic rock band do only white people like?

The Police.



Submitted May 29, 2017 at 05:02AM by fellow_hiccupper

I don't know very many good dad jokes, but take my advice: avoid 9/11 jokes.

They always crash and burn, and they're just plane wrong to begin with.



Submitted May 29, 2017 at 02:25AM by Gickerific

Next time someone is doing a crossword whisper...

sevenup is lemonade



Submitted May 28, 2017 at 11:10PM by mooselemon

If you call a girl pretty, she'll forget after a day.

If you call a girl fat, she'll never forget it, because elephants never forget.



Submitted May 28, 2017 at 08:56PM by hdhdog

Sunday, May 28, 2017

I was once a man trapped in a woman's body.

And then my mother gave birth.



Submitted May 29, 2017 at 12:31AM by ThirstyTimmy

My rabbit just died but it's ok

It's just some bunny that i used to know



Submitted May 28, 2017 at 10:33PM by stoll33

Court decision: "I hereby find you guilty of clickbait, and sentence you to death by electric chair......

....what happens next will shock you."



Submitted May 28, 2017 at 08:24PM by Marie_Simmons

What do you call ten rabbits walking backwards together?

Receding hare line



Submitted May 28, 2017 at 07:28PM by stoll33

My dad has a Polish friend who is a roadie

He also has a Czech one too, one too.



Submitted May 28, 2017 at 10:58AM by plankyman

I was going to tell you a joke about boomerangs, but I forgot how it goes.

Oh wait, it came back.



Submitted May 28, 2017 at 11:21AM by Aznpride389

What starts with “E” and has only one letter in it?

Envelope!



Submitted May 28, 2017 at 06:40PM by drempire

What happens if someone steals uranium?

It becomes theiranium



Submitted May 28, 2017 at 04:53PM by dank420memes1337

Today my stoner friend used my to-do list as a blunt wrap

He was high on my list of priorities



Submitted May 28, 2017 at 06:41PM by drempire

I know how to make a small fortune from gambling

start with a large fortune



Submitted May 28, 2017 at 03:45PM by The-idiots114

My son is really easy to trick.

He was born yesterday.



Submitted May 28, 2017 at 11:55AM by bearjew60

My ex-wife told all her friends I had a small penis...

...she was quite a bit shocked when they all disagreed.



Submitted May 28, 2017 at 11:34AM by virtualrandomnumber

Kim Jong Un and Vladimir Putin were having a meeting in a 20 story building.

During a break the two leaders made a bet about the loyalty of their guards.

First, Putin called his guard Ivan into the room, opened the window and said, "Ivan, jump down."

Ivan replied in tears, "Mr. President, how could you do this to me? I have a wife and a son."

Putin explained that he was only joking, and let Ivan out.

Then Kim Jong-Un called his guard Lee, and told him to jump. Lee started running toward the window.

Putin grabbed him and said, "Are you crazy? You will die if you jump!"

Struggling, Lee replied, "Let me go! I have a wife and a son!"



Submitted May 28, 2017 at 01:09PM by wackoclown

What is the best time on the clock?

It has to be 6:30, hands down.



Submitted May 28, 2017 at 02:50PM by 23Flavour5

Cheating wife

A guy walks into a bar and orders a triple scotch. The bartender pours him the drink and the guy downs it in one gulp. "Wow", says the bartender, "Something bad must have happened". Yeah it did, he said. "I came home early today, went up to the bedroom, and found my wife having sex with my best friend." The bartender pours the guy another triple shot. "This one's on the house". The dude gulps it down once again. The bartender asks "Did you say anything to your wife ? " The guy answers "Yea, I walked up to her, told her to pack her bag's and get out !" "What about your friend ?" asks the bartender. "I looked him straight in the eye and said bad dog.



Submitted May 28, 2017 at 09:33AM by madbil

My wife left a note on the fridge saying, "This isn't working, goodbye."

I opened the refrigerator and it works just fine. Weird.



Submitted May 28, 2017 at 12:11PM by happylittledancer123

Overheard at the park: Little Girl- "Dad there's something in my shoe!" Dad- "Is it a foot?"

No text found

Submitted May 28, 2017 at 11:37AM by BoB_RL

Highway Dildo

A little girl is riding along the highway with her mom. When suddenly a dildo falls off the truck in front of them and hits the windshield The little girl asks: Mommy, what was that? The mom, not wanting her little girl to know about sex yet, answers: It was just a bug honey. The little girl sits quitely for a while, before exclaiming: It sure had a big dick.



Submitted May 28, 2017 at 09:14AM by Anne_Bingham

Whoever stole my Microsoft Office, I will find you...

You have my Word.



Submitted May 28, 2017 at 09:25AM by evan2621

At a fancy restaurant...

Waiter: Ready to order?

Me: pointing How do you pronounce this?

Waiter: "Menu."



Submitted May 28, 2017 at 10:08AM by psybermonkey15

I guy walks into a bar...

Inside he sees a girl that he thinks looks hot. He walks up to her and starts to talk, then stops. The girl is confused and asks "Were you going to say something?" The guy smiles and says "I was gonna tell you a joke about my penis, but it's too long." He sits down next the girl. The girl. Begins to say something but stops. The guy asks if she was going to say something. The girl smiles and says "I was going to tell you a joke about my vagina, but you'll never get it."



Submitted May 28, 2017 at 08:28AM by BadgerDoesGames

What do evil chickens lay?

Deviled Eggs.



Submitted May 28, 2017 at 10:38AM by Yolo_swag-brah22

Whoever stole my Microsoft Office, I will find you...

You have my word



Submitted May 28, 2017 at 10:36AM by evan2621

Spider's legs

There was a scientist working away in obscurity for years with peculiar experiments on spiders. After years and years he placed an advertisement in several academic journals to let the community know he was going to host a live show to demonstrate his findings.

At the event hundreds were there more out of curiosity than anything as the details of the findings were kept secret. The man himself wandered on stage and silenced the murmurs.

'Today I will demonstrate two things. The first is that spiders can understand and respond to basic commands.'

The crowd laughed and snickered but undeterred the scientist opened a box on his desk and a spider crawled out.

'Spider, walk left'

The spider moved to its left. The crowd was silenced.

'Spider, move right.'

The spider moved right. The crowd gasped. Forward, backward, the spider responded again and again. The crowd applauded in awe.

The scientist then removed all of the spider's legs. The crowd, confused by this, watched in silence.

'Move left'

The spider didn't move.

'Move right'

Nothing. Forward, backward, no response.

'This is to demonstrate my second finding. Once you remove a spider's legs, it goes deaf.'



Submitted May 28, 2017 at 07:14AM by turn6upsidedown

When your foot falls asleep

You have coma toes



Submitted May 28, 2017 at 09:54AM by canadiain

How did the Romans express Pi?

"puh"



Submitted May 28, 2017 at 09:24AM by VirtualMachine0

hey, son! have you heard about the kidnapping!?

he woke up.



Submitted May 28, 2017 at 09:28AM by AroTao

KFC

A man goes to see the pope.

"Your Holiness. I work for KFC, and we'll offer you ten million dollars to change the reading of the Lord's Prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to ' Give us this day our daily chicken.'"

The pope is aghast! "I can't just go changing God's word for money!"

The man comes back the next day: "Fifty million! Now, think of all the good the church could do with all that money, Your Holiness!"

The pope in unimpressed: "Look, I told you. I just can't do it. I'm sorry."

The guy is back a week later: "Final offer- $500 million. Take it or leave it."

The next day, the pope calls all the leaders of the church together: "Boys, I have good news, and I have bad news. The good news is we've raised $500 million dollars for Catholic Charities."

The room erupts! Everybody is so happy!

The pope waits for the room to settle down. Then-

"And now for the bad news: We lost the Wonder Bread account."



Submitted May 28, 2017 at 06:58AM by jseyfer

What do vegan zombies eat?

Grains...



Submitted May 28, 2017 at 09:08AM by blindjedi

Thank you, student loans, for helping me get through college.

I don't think I can ever repay you.



Submitted May 28, 2017 at 05:07AM by Gloria_Ryan

Four years ago I asked out the girl of my dreams. Today I asked her to marry me.

She said no. Just like 4 years ago.



Submitted May 28, 2017 at 03:50AM by Adnan_Targaryen

My son asked me, "Dad, did you ever get shot in the army?"

I replied, "No, but I was shot in the leggy."



Submitted May 28, 2017 at 08:07AM by madazzahatter

A boy and his dad are talking.

"Hey Dad."

"Yes son?"

"Did you ever get shot in the army?"

He looks at his son in silence. Tears start to form in the Dad's eyes, and he quietly replies;

"No, but I was shot in the leggy."



Submitted May 28, 2017 at 06:02AM by Narekthepotato

A midget chef had to quit his job at a casino

He said the steaks were too high



Submitted May 28, 2017 at 07:09AM by Raath

When Noah reached land, he threw open the ark doors and said, "Go forth and multiply".

When all the animals cleared out, only a pair of confused looking snakes remained.

"Didn't you hear me? Go forth and multiply!" Said Noah, annoyed.

"We can't" replied one of the snakes. "We're adders".



Submitted May 28, 2017 at 02:36AM by CarmineFields

Why do you never see elephants hiding in a tree

because they are really good at it



Submitted May 27, 2017 at 07:11PM by Miketysonspinal

Saturday, May 27, 2017

Man tries to open a bank account

Teller asks him : "Your name?"
"J-j-jj-hhh-on S-ss-mm-i-tthh"
"Oh you stutter?"
"No my dad did but the person who did by birth certificate was a complete moron."



Submitted May 27, 2017 at 05:10PM by Jahvazi

How does prisoners communicate?

Using cell-phones



Submitted May 27, 2017 at 09:18PM by _BlNG_

Tie rack

I was packing with my girlfriend today. She says: "don't forget to pack the tie rack!"

I gave her a judgemental look and I replied:

"Umm, I believe it's pronounced T-Iraq"

...

I'm still ashamed.



Submitted May 28, 2017 at 12:44AM by venefb

Do you know what they should rename a mugshot?

Your cellfie



Submitted May 28, 2017 at 01:12AM by canadiain

A man comes home to find his wife's suitcase packed. NSFW

He asks her, "Where are you going?"

She says, "Las Vegas, I heard I can make 300 bucks for giving blowjobs, so I figured I could make some money doing what I do for you for free."

The husband chuckles and starts to pack his suitcase, and his wife asks what he's doing.

He says, "Coming with you. I want to see how you survive on $600 a year."



Submitted May 27, 2017 at 07:01PM by TurboTitan92

..So there is this King, and he has 3 cups in front of him. The first 2 cups are filled up. The third cups has nothing, it's empty. What is the King's name?

King Philip III! (King fill up the third) hahaha



Submitted May 27, 2017 at 11:03PM by flushyjames

I'm not sure why rocks cost so much in England

I mean, one stone is 10 pounds for crying out loud



Submitted May 27, 2017 at 11:05PM by scotscott

I'm friends with 25 letters of the alphabet

I don't know y



Submitted May 27, 2017 at 08:48PM by spectero

John Lennon really liked his new haircut.

In fact, he liked it so much, he wrote a song about it. Love Me Do.



Submitted May 27, 2017 at 10:13PM by boblamb58

A woman walks into a library and asked if they had any books about paranoia

Librarian: "They're right behind you!!"



Submitted May 27, 2017 at 04:43PM by SirFiras47

This is an EA joke

Oops, I rushed it and left out the good part.



Submitted May 27, 2017 at 02:16PM by unknownyoyo

What is finding Dory's favourite desert?

Affagato...



Submitted May 27, 2017 at 08:40PM by littlejohnsnow

These two twin brothers transferred to my school.

Their names were Ving and Ling Nguyen. Ving and I became really good friends. After a few years he told me about how he hated his name and wanted to change it. Since he was 18, he decided to go to the courthouse and legally change his name. He wanted to name himself Lee like Bruce Lee. So, Ving and Ling and I head to the courthouse. Ling is kinda pissed and telling Ving about how angry their dad's going to be. Ving was a family name. We get to the courthouse and Ving starts filling out paperwork but halfway through decided against it. He felt guilty about giving up his family name. The lady at the office said that there would be a 80 dollar fee for the paperwork. Ling offered to pay for it. At that very moment, their dad came bursting into the courthouse. He approved of the name change. I'll never forget what he said. " Don't stop, be Lee Ving. Hold onto that fee Ling. "



Submitted May 27, 2017 at 04:55PM by SomeoneStopMePlease

Yesterday I went to a temporary tattoo parlour to get a tattoo.

After it wouldn't wash off this morning I went back to complain, but the tattoo parlour wasn't there.



Submitted May 27, 2017 at 03:20PM by Navid1249

Superfight is a fun game to play

Superfight is a tabletop game where you make a character with random attributes from the selection of cards dealt to yourself. You will need to justify how your character and their attributes can beat your opponent's character.

We were playing this through Tabletop Simulator and I played a character card titled "Leonardo".

Gf: Dicaprio or Da Vinci

Me: No, DaTurtle



Submitted May 27, 2017 at 02:49PM by Alecx3

The class comes in from recess and gets a spelling quiz...

"Jimmy, what did you do during recess?" asks the teacher. "I played in the sand box with Sally!" "That's great! If you can spell 'sand' on the board, you get a cookie!" Jimmy does and gets his reward. "Sally, what did you do during recess?" "I played in the sand box with Jimmy!" "Wow! If you can spell 'box' on the board, you get a cookie!" Sally does and gets a cookie. "Jamal, what did you do during recess?" "I tried to play with Sally and Jimmy but they just threw rocks at me." "Oh my! That sounds like blatant racial discrimination. If you can spell 'blatant racial discrimination' on the board, you get a cookie!"



Submitted May 27, 2017 at 03:25PM by Mjs112097

What is the best drug to have sex on?

Birth control.



Submitted May 27, 2017 at 11:56AM by sdraz

I bought my shoes from a drug dealer ...

I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.



Submitted May 27, 2017 at 04:28PM by meepsmops

A pirate walks into a baarrrrrrrrrr....

With a ship's steering attached to his testicles.

Bartender says, "why do you have a steering wheel attached to your testicles?"

Pirate says, "I don't know matey, but it's driving me nuts!"



Submitted May 27, 2017 at 03:43PM by H20scorpio

When I order tequila at Hogsmeade...

I Expecto Patronum!



Submitted May 27, 2017 at 04:03PM by werdnadrew

Did you hear the joke about the dentist who loves tooth extraction?

[removed]



Submitted May 27, 2017 at 11:16AM by Masterfromclash

I'll never forget what my mom said about my dead beat of a dad from Australia..

He's a lion cheetah!!



Submitted May 27, 2017 at 02:31PM by Gulia1213

What did Trump say after being found guilty of colluding with the Russians?

"Oops, pardon me."



Submitted May 27, 2017 at 01:41PM by canadaduane

"What the hell is Roman cheese?"

"A cheese that won't sit still."

And here I am....still wondering...



Submitted May 27, 2017 at 11:55AM by phantomcellphone

A woman has a sex change

After the operation

Nurse: how did you think it went?

Doctor: I love it when a man come together



Submitted May 27, 2017 at 01:39PM by Lowet12

My girlfriend said she was going to get a massive tattoo of a snake on her back.

"Do it," I said. "But it might hurt you."

"I know," she replied. "But it's only a needle."

"No," I said. "I mean being single."



Submitted May 27, 2017 at 08:40AM by TommehBoi

This sub has been uncontrollable lately



Submitted May 27, 2017 at 01:20PM by binderup

A young girl asked her dad how babies are made...

Dad: Daddy plants a seed in mommy’s tummy. Girl: Does she swallow the seed? Dad: Only if she wants new shoes.



Submitted May 27, 2017 at 10:00AM by Paksta_

Why did Donald Trump drain the swamp?

So he could hire what was on the bottom.



Submitted May 27, 2017 at 11:40AM by swiftlyslowfast

What was the astrologist's favorite candy?

Reeses Pisces!



Submitted May 27, 2017 at 12:20PM by nautasquid

In the drive thru of the fast food place.....

Me: I guess I have to put the 5 under the 20.

Wife: Why?

Me: The sign says no bills over $20.



Submitted May 27, 2017 at 10:42AM by flabden

r/jokes should use its karma to help the environment.

Subscribers are already experts at recycling.



Submitted May 27, 2017 at 03:31AM by ancientkillerX

I told my girlfriend we can either have sex, or I'm leaving to watch Guardians Of The Galaxy.

She said "I'm on my period and Guardians Of The Galaxy is sold out!"

I said, "It's alright, I'll just sneak in through the rear entrance."



Submitted May 27, 2017 at 08:55AM by jlw_01

An old couple walks into mcdonalds

An old couple walk into MacDonald. They order one hamburger, one order of fries and drink.

The old man unwraps the plain hamburger and carefully cuts it in half. He places one half in front of his wife. He then carefully counts out the fries dividing them into two piles and neatly placing one pile in front of his wife.

He takes a sip of the drink, his wife takes a sip and sets the cup down between them.

As he begins to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them keep looking over and whispering."That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them."

As the man begins to eat his fries, a young man comes to the table. He politely offers to buy another meal for the couple.

The old man replies that they're just fine - they're just used to sharing everything.

The surrounding people noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sits there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.

Again the young man comes over and begs them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman says,"No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything,"

As the old man finishes and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again comes over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asks,"May I ask what is it you are waiting for?"

The old woman answers....

"THE TEETH"



Submitted May 27, 2017 at 12:16AM by njcmaple

Why did the number 10 die?

It was in the middle of 9/11



Submitted May 27, 2017 at 02:54AM by newbie1canoebee

We used to have empires ruled by emperors, kingdoms ruled by kings and sultanates ruled by sultans.

Now we have countries....



Submitted May 27, 2017 at 08:20AM by LordCockaroachFetus

Why is the glass at the Mac store always so dirty?

They don't do Windows.



Submitted May 27, 2017 at 06:37AM by KiwiCandle

Tell me, Sherlock, where do lemons come from?

A lemon tree, dear Watson.



Submitted May 27, 2017 at 01:38AM by Don_Bardo

A waitress walks up to one of her tables in a New York City restaurant and notices that the three Bulgarian businessmen seated there are furiously masturbating…

She says, "What the hell do you guys think you are doing?"

One of the Bulgarian men says, "Can't you see? Ve arrrre all verrry, verrry hoongry."

The waitress makes a stroking motion and says, "So how is whacking-off in the middle of the restaurant going to help that situation??"

One of the other businessmen replies, "The menu say, FIRST COME, FIRST SERVED!"



Submitted May 27, 2017 at 06:10AM by madazzahatter

Got my dick stuck in a watering hole

"well fuck"



Submitted May 27, 2017 at 08:42AM by WeaponizedPig

I saw my dwarf neighbor at a bus stop today...

"Jump in, I'll give you a lift home," I said.

"F*ck you!" he shouted back.

"What an ungrateful little cunt," I thought as I zipped up my backpack and continued my walk.



Submitted May 27, 2017 at 12:08AM by urbro_

I saw a 4 year old girl crying, all alone

"Are you ok?" I asked her. "Do you know where your mommy and daddy are?"

"No" she sobbed

I love doing volunteer work at the orphanage



Submitted May 27, 2017 at 12:56AM by ThunderMDT

I took my 7 year old son to the zoo today…

We were walking around and soon he said, “Look Dad! It's a frickin' Elephant!”

I was shocked and slightly angry, as everybody was looking at us.

“What did you just call it?” I asked.

“It's a frickin' Elephant, it says so on the picture!” he said, and so it did, A F R I C A N Elephant.



Submitted May 27, 2017 at 06:12AM by madazzahatter

I tried telling a joke to a couple of midgets

But it just went over their heads.



Submitted May 27, 2017 at 01:25AM by toethumbs8

Some day, canada will take over the world.

And then we'll all be sorry.



Submitted May 27, 2017 at 01:53AM by ancientkillerX

At the Zoo with Dad

Me: Let's go see the gorillas.

Dad: That's what Che said.



Submitted May 27, 2017 at 01:44AM by PatrickKnight99

Friday, May 26, 2017

Why was the bar tender happy when the small toothed whale came in?

He finally served a porpoise!



Submitted May 27, 2017 at 01:22AM by NOT_REALLY_ACCURATE

This is just stupid...

Just Stupid



Submitted May 26, 2017 at 10:38PM by TheCaptainOats

TIFU by accidentally making the wrong sandwich at my job at Quiznos

Whoops wrong sub



Submitted May 26, 2017 at 03:48PM by saint_is_baby_ye

if you got a couch with your gay lover

would it be a homosectional



Submitted May 26, 2017 at 10:07PM by alycat0602

Once upon a time there were 3 bears.

Now there's lots of em.



Submitted May 26, 2017 at 06:58PM by dieselwrencher3406

Texted my daughter's boyfriend to meet me and he dad joked me back.

Me: Meet me at Mo's Egg House at 8AM. The rental place opens at 9AM and we can get some breakfast. Boyfriend: I know eggsactly where that is.

It's nice to know if they get married and have kids my grandchildren will be in good hands.



Submitted May 26, 2017 at 09:49PM by imdickie

A farmer was sitting in the neighborhood bar getting absolutely drunk.

A man came in and asked the farmer, “Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?”

The farmer said, “Some things you just can’t explain.”

The man said, “So what happened that’s so horrible?”

“Well, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked over the bucket.”

“OK, but that’s not so bad. What happened then?”

“I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left.”

“OK. And then?”

“Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket.”

"Oh, man. But still, it ain't so bad. What did you do then?”

“I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right.”

“Good. And then?”

“Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as I got the bucket about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail.”

"Shit. So what did you do this time?"

“Well, I didn’t have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter."

"And then?"

"And then my pants fell down and my wife walked in.”



Submitted May 26, 2017 at 12:43PM by Franck_Underwood

You know what's really odd?

numbers not divisible by 2.



Submitted May 26, 2017 at 04:17PM by buckeyespud

Do you know about the TV channel where they dissolve celebrities and musicians in acid?

It's called PH1.



Submitted May 26, 2017 at 07:36PM by Suppiluliuma_2

How do you intrigue someone?

I'll tell you tomorrow



Submitted May 26, 2017 at 04:10PM by DreadedOreo18

What is it called when two redheads have a kid?

Ginger bred



Submitted May 26, 2017 at 09:56AM by Tewan

Why is EA the worst gaming company in America?

Because Ubisoft is in France.



Submitted May 26, 2017 at 04:09PM by Paksta_

A woman said she recognized me from the vegetarian club.

But I'd never met herbivore.



Submitted May 26, 2017 at 02:02PM by doge_vader

Cole's Law:

Thinly sliced cabbage.



Submitted May 26, 2017 at 02:29PM by bwburke94

Jamaican Sandals

A married couple were on holiday in Jamaica . They were touring around the market-place looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small sandal shop.

From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say, ‘You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop..’

So the married couple walked in. The Jamaican said to them, ‘I ‘ave some special sandals I tink you would be interested in. Dey makes you wild at sex.’

Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn’t need them being the Sex God that he was.

The husband asked the man, ‘How could sandals make you a sex freak?’

The Jamaican replied, ‘Just try dem on, Mon.’

Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in and tried them on.

As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn’t seen before!!

In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him over the table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican’s thighs.

The Jamaican began screaming: ‘You got dem on de wrong feet!’

All credit to u/MkaisodL for supplying the link.



Submitted May 26, 2017 at 10:19AM by jaggington

Owning horses is a really expensive hobby

It requires a stable income



Submitted May 26, 2017 at 12:42PM by Dingo3737

Why is North Korea so heartless?

because they have no seoul

ahahahah.. please laugh



Submitted May 26, 2017 at 08:58AM by deadkk

I lost the phone, tablet, AND the computer I use for work.

Looks like I'm left to my own devices.



Submitted May 26, 2017 at 12:53PM by randomaccessmustache

I can't seem to find the controller for the tv.

But I know it's in a remote location. ;)



Submitted May 26, 2017 at 12:14PM by Bonanza86

Don't you hate it when a sentence doesn't end the way you think it octopus.

No text found

Submitted May 26, 2017 at 11:08AM by FacepalmNation

If I got $1 every time somebody called me a racist

black people would rob me



Submitted May 26, 2017 at 08:37AM by Leola_Garrett

How does the Spanish carpet fitter get his workman to hurry up?

Underlay! Underlay!

Xpost: Jokes



Submitted May 26, 2017 at 09:55AM by Mitchgebb

I was gonna make a joke about my dick....

but it's probably too short



Submitted May 26, 2017 at 10:14AM by zStratoss

My dentist reminded me about my wife’s sensitive gag reflex…

We laughed about it for a while.

Then I remembered me and my wife have different dentists…



Submitted May 26, 2017 at 06:13AM by madazzahatter

You know what really grinds my gears?

Nothing. I am german, our gearboxes are flawless.



Submitted May 26, 2017 at 05:17AM by Grenzwert

Friendship between man and woman.

Friendship between women:

A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew about it.

Friendship between men:

A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed that he was still there.


This is a repost but I really think we should never let this die.



Submitted May 26, 2017 at 07:10AM by ichand

Two Romans were in a bar having a conversation..

Roman 1: you won't believe how many women I've slept with

Roman 2: mmm?

Roman 1: don't be ridiculous, not that many



Submitted May 26, 2017 at 06:43AM by HKZYNC