Sunday, April 30, 2017

Why did the orange turn down the banana for a date?

He didn't a-peel to her



Submitted May 01, 2017 at 01:18AM by HossMcDank

Why do the call it almond milk?

Nobody can say "nut juice" with a straight face



Submitted April 30, 2017 at 09:12PM by karly_fries

The baker in my town was secretly a noble.

I guess he was well-bread.



Submitted April 30, 2017 at 11:38PM by i-kant_even

How many pilots does it take to make good music?

Apparently at least 22



Submitted April 30, 2017 at 08:39PM by BagelsRTheHoleTruth

What do you call it when a redneck comes back from the dead?

Reintarnation



Submitted April 30, 2017 at 06:46PM by robots914

Why did the two bridge builders stay together?

He cantilever.



Submitted April 30, 2017 at 08:27PM by bingomzan

Why did the hippie cross the road?

To break on through to the other side



Submitted April 30, 2017 at 09:02PM by AWeepingAngelsThesis

"What is the longest word in the dictionary?"

What is not the longest word in the dictionary!



Submitted April 30, 2017 at 09:16PM by swarren31

Why do pirates hate May, June July and August?

Because they don't have Arrrrrs in them!



Submitted April 30, 2017 at 08:38PM by CaptainAcid25

What's the only drink size they allow in North Korea?

A supreme liter



Submitted April 30, 2017 at 08:07PM by Wolvfox

99 programming bugs in the code

99 programming bugs in the code.

99 programming bugs.

Take one down, patch it all up.

111 programming bugs in the code.



Submitted April 30, 2017 at 04:46PM by ThatKittenZilerian

The mods won't let me post to this subreddit...

Apparently there is no address, so I will just communicate electronically instead.



Submitted April 30, 2017 at 05:07PM by 1insevenbillion

What do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground beef.



Submitted April 30, 2017 at 07:20PM by CheeseheadDave

The latest Hollywood health craze is to regularly drink a mixture of almond milk and milk of magnesia.

It's called a Blue Diamond Phillips.



Submitted April 30, 2017 at 07:02PM by GRWeston

What did The Proclaimers name their dog?

500



Submitted April 30, 2017 at 08:48AM by blackcat74

Radishes are kinda cool

Rad... ish



Submitted April 30, 2017 at 04:41PM by CaptMcButternut

Yesterday, I was washing the car with my son.

He said: 'dad, can't you just use a sponge?'



Submitted April 30, 2017 at 02:12PM by EilrahcNotneb

What did the banana do after he got into his car?

He PEELED out.



Submitted April 30, 2017 at 11:52AM by WeWillBeLegend5

I went online and rated our Solar System

Gave it one star.



Submitted April 30, 2017 at 07:11AM by splattne

I heard that actress Reese whatshername is in rehab because she is addicted to eating soup...

Witherspoon?

Dad: I assume so, but nobody knows for sure



Submitted April 30, 2017 at 12:57PM by Beedee0823

Saw Michael J. Fox the other day, in a garden center of all places. Didn't recognise him straight away though

he had his back to the fuchsias.



Submitted April 30, 2017 at 01:15PM by IAMBiSH

Being circumcised, I couldn't join a fraternity...

Apparently you have to be complete dick.



Submitted April 30, 2017 at 11:02AM by awwnutslol

( !Dark Humour!) A guy walks in the local whorehouse...

... says “I want the cheapest one you got, I don’t have much money.” The guy behind the counter says “How bout the $1.95 cent special?” The customer says “ok”, and he paid, headed to the room. When he opened the door, he found this beautiful whore spread out, just waiting for him. He rips off his clothes and starts going to town on her. Suddenly, all this white stuff starts coming out of her mouth, nose, ears. He freaked, “omg she’s sick!” He ran to the desk and told the guy what was happening, and the guy says “hey John! The dead one’s full again!”



Submitted April 30, 2017 at 09:01AM by notmeninblack

Did you hear about the chemist that froze himself to absolute zero?

He's 0K now.



Submitted April 30, 2017 at 10:13AM by pikachulikessushi123

If your apartment is hit by a dolphin, DO NOT GO OUT TO SEE IF THE DOLPHIN IS OKAY.

That's how the hurricane tricks you into coming outside.



Submitted April 30, 2017 at 08:55AM by lucas_glanville

The grocery store checker just asked if I wanted my milk in a bag.

I said "No! Leave it in the jug!" Can you imagine the mess?



Submitted April 30, 2017 at 11:53AM by nyquill81

As a traffic planner I was asked how and where I intended to improve flow through intersections. I pointed on the map and said,

"Roundabout here."



Submitted April 30, 2017 at 11:47AM by Onegodoneloveoneway

what happened to the ice cream army?

They deserted



Submitted April 30, 2017 at 09:17AM by hoho-haha

My wife said seeing me with a beard is starting to grow on her...

I told her the beard is growing on me too



Submitted April 30, 2017 at 09:20AM by thegreatRobertsby

A young guy from North Dakota moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" store looking for a job.

The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The young guy says "Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in North Dakota." Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he'd give him a shot, so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did." His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to the sales floor. "How many customers bought something from you today?" The kid frowns and looks at the floor and mutters, "One". The boss says "Just one? Our sales people average sales to 25 to 30 customers a day. This is gonna have to change very soon if you'd like to continue your employment here. We have very strict standards for our sales force here in Florida. One sale a day might have been acceptable in North Dakota, but you're not on the farm anymore, son." The kid took his beating, but continued to look at his shoes, so the boss felt kinda bad for chewing him out on his first day. He asked (sarcastically), "So, how much was your one sale for?" The kid looks up at his boss and says "$124,548.88". The boss, astonished, says $124,548.88??? What the heck did you sell?" The kid says, "Well, first, I sold him some new fish hooks. Then I sold him a new fishing rod to go with his new hooks. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Chevrolet Suburban." The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a SUV???" The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Bro, your weekend's a mess, you should go fishing.



Submitted April 30, 2017 at 08:25AM by notmeninblack

Honey, I'd like to get a bird. I was thinking a cockatoo.

I don't know, dear. That sounds advanced, maybe we should start with a cocka-one.



Submitted April 30, 2017 at 08:54AM by LumpySkills

People who work on those polar icebreaking ships are probably really good conversationalists at parties.

I mean, who's better at breaking the ice than an icebreaker?



Submitted April 30, 2017 at 10:09AM by RonPalancik

A man walks into a bar and sees a sign... [NSFW]

It reads: Toasted Sandwiches- $2, Handjobs- $5.

He approaches the bar and sees a stunning large breasted, tight waisted blonde goddess serving.

He asks her, "Are you the one who gives the handjobs?"

She leans towards him, resting her breasts on the bar and says, "Why, yes I am." With a wink.

To which he replies: "Well go and wash your fucking hands before you make my sandwich!"



Submitted April 30, 2017 at 07:28AM by bullboner

I told my boyfriend we could watch a porn for his birthday

I told my boyfriend we could watch a porn for his birthday and do everything that we saw in the video… He was super psyched, until I fucked the pizza guy.



Submitted April 30, 2017 at 05:07AM by nharshav

My sexual desires have been getting out of control…

But it wasn’t until I spanked a statue that I knew I’d hit rock bottom…



Submitted April 30, 2017 at 06:57AM by madazzahatter

I learned yesterday that a school of piranhas can strip all the flesh off of a child's body in less than a minute...

On the downside, I lost my job at the aquarium...



Submitted April 30, 2017 at 08:46AM by madazzahatter

I have a condition where I feel the need to steal library books.

I should probably get that checked out.



Submitted April 30, 2017 at 01:33AM by INeedMoreHobbies

My pregnant wife hobbled into the hospital with one hand on her back...

A nurse asked her what's wrong, and my wife screamed, "Shouldn't! Wouldn't! Didn't!"

The nurse shook her head and said, "I'm sorry…I don't understand."

My wife's face contorted in pain as she shouted, "Can't! Won't! Don't!"

The nurse, bewildered, turned the doctor.

"Admit her," the doctor said. "She's having contractions."



Submitted April 30, 2017 at 07:49AM by madazzahatter

So I was listening to baroque music...

And thought, "wouldn't it be great if there were, like, positive spoofs of things instead of just porn spoofs of things?

...Baroque Back Mountain!"

I may be a girl, but I'm going to be a great dad someday.



Submitted April 30, 2017 at 02:35AM by Justice_Breyer

Trump should build that wall out of Hillary's emails

since it seems no one can get over them.



Submitted April 29, 2017 at 11:46PM by mrpeanutbutter2

Saturday, April 29, 2017

Why is the nose located in the middle of the face?

Because it's the scenter.

(My sister is becoming a dad with a new joke everyday.)



Submitted April 30, 2017 at 01:15AM by n_p_c_

A sheep, a drum, and a snake fall off a cliff

Ba dum tsss



Submitted April 30, 2017 at 12:32AM by Microsoft_Office2016

What do you call an IT teacher who has sex with his students?

A PDF File



Submitted April 29, 2017 at 11:27PM by nevets12

I lost my job as a stage designer…

I left without making a scene…



Submitted April 30, 2017 at 12:20AM by madazzahatter

I’ve got a friend who’s half Indian...

Ian



Submitted April 29, 2017 at 09:21PM by madazzahatter

The problem with Trump jokes:

Republicans don't think they're funny, and Democrats don't think they're jokes.



Submitted April 29, 2017 at 09:34PM by cantab314

When's the best time to buy a boat?

When they're on sail.



Submitted April 29, 2017 at 10:11PM by jcdcwassup

I’ve fallen in love with a pencil and we’re getting married...

I can’t wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B.



Submitted April 29, 2017 at 09:17PM by madazzahatter

What are the strongest days of the week?

Saturday & Sunday

The rest are weekdays.



Submitted April 29, 2017 at 09:20PM by cadepilbeam

I can sympathise with batteries.

I am never included in anything either



Submitted April 29, 2017 at 01:16PM by lucas_glanville

Do you know the difference between in-laws and outlaws?

At least the outlaws are wanted by someone.

Credit: My father.



Submitted April 29, 2017 at 03:24PM by Tweilor

Why are priests from Finland so good at Mortal Kombat?

They're especially well-versed in Finnish hymns.



Submitted April 29, 2017 at 03:19PM by Waluigifan

My dad told me he's fat because he once won a Brittish lottery...

... he gained a lot of pounds.



Submitted April 29, 2017 at 05:06PM by Bowie_Steutel

It was so bad I had to push her away from me.

So the other week the lady and I went for a hike up in the Berkeley Hills and we came across some cows. There were two cows that were affectionate towards each other and their hair colors matched ours (she has red hair, I have black) and she said oh look, that's us if we were cows!

Fast forward to this morning. We were lazy getting out of bed (one too many fernets last night) and I mentioned we should pay a visit to our cow buddies.

She replies with the biggest shit eating grin I've ever seen her do: "Dont you mean our COW-nterparts?!"

I had to push her off me and get outta bed after that one. (Mostly jealous that I didn't think of it)



Submitted April 29, 2017 at 04:07PM by issu

A soldier was hit by mustard gas in war and later pepper spray by the police...

He's now a seasoned veteran



Submitted April 29, 2017 at 03:13PM by Burney1904

Damn girl are you a math book?

Because you have a lot of fucking problems I don't want to deal with.



Submitted April 29, 2017 at 11:26AM by YourMusicIsTrash

Daughter and I just landed in Santiago. I told her to dress warm..

...it's Chile out here.



Submitted April 29, 2017 at 02:46PM by Delitti-di-mare

Dad makes bad comments sometimes, and rarely one of his kids will point out that he can be a little racist.

His just shakes his head.

'I'm not racist, I'm too slow!'



Submitted April 29, 2017 at 01:23PM by Lobo0084

My dad was driving when he told me he was a magician who could turn into anything..

And then he turned into a store...

*Note: This was like ten years ago and I still haven't forgotten the audacity.



Submitted April 29, 2017 at 01:22PM by getmad420

Two Arab guys get on a plane.

One sat in the window seat, the other in the middle seat. Just before take-off a little Israeli guy got on and took the aisle seat next to the Arabs. He kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was just settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, “I think I’ll go up and get a Coke.”

“No problem,” said the Israeli, “Stay there, I’ll get it for you.”

While he was gone, the Arab picked up the Israeli’s shoe and spat in it. When the Israeli returned with the Coke, the other Arab said,

“That looks good. I think I’ll have one too.”

Again, the Israeli obligingly went to fetch it, and while he was gone the Arab picked up the other shoe and spat in it too.

The Israeli returned with the coke, and they all sat back and enjoyed the short flight to New York. As the plane was landing the Israeli slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.

“How long must this go on?” he asked. “This enmity between our people…this hatred…this animosity…this spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?”



Submitted April 29, 2017 at 12:13PM by wackoclown

A woman awakes in the middle of the night to find her husband not in bed...

A woman awakes in the middle of the night to find her husband not in bed. She suspects that he’s preparing a surprise for her since today is their 20th wedding anniversary, so she puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of hot cocoa in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes away a tear from his eye.

“What’s the matter, dear?” she whispers as she steps into the room, “You haven’t been sitting here all night, have you!?”

The husband looks up from his drink, “It’s the 20th Anniversary of the day we met.”

She can’t believe he has remembered and starts to tear up.

The husband continues, “Do you remember 20 years ago when we started dating? I was 18 and you were only 15,” he said solemnly.

Once again, the wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive.

“Yes, I do,” she replies.

The husband pauses… The words were not coming easily.

“Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?”

“Yes, I remember,” said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continued, “Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, Either you marry my daughter or I will make sure you spend the next 20 years in prison?”

“I remember that too,” she replied softly…

He sighed as he wiped another tear away from his cheek and said, “I would have gotten out today.”



Submitted April 29, 2017 at 09:45AM by MrSneaks

What do you call a cow that just had a baby?

De-Calfinated



Submitted April 29, 2017 at 12:16PM by shadowPenguins

Never tell a taco a secret

It could spill the beans



Submitted April 29, 2017 at 11:47AM by Twigsnapper

Just got an email from Google detailing how they have devised a way to read maps backwards...

Turns out to be spam



Submitted April 29, 2017 at 08:56AM by LordBiscuits

The mice keep stealing the bait from the mousetraps I bought.

I just knew those traps looked debatable.



Submitted April 29, 2017 at 08:08AM by nyquill81

To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office:

I will find you. You have my Word.



Submitted April 29, 2017 at 07:29AM by ThisRedditPostIsMine

i'm not german, but this is a little jokie joke

Overheard at the White House:

Trump to Vice-President Mike Pence: "the less immigrants we let in the better."

Pence to trump: "The FEWER.."

Trump interrupts Pence and says: "don't call me that in public".



Submitted April 29, 2017 at 07:53AM by danceinthepants

I scared the postman today by going to the door completely naked…

I’m not sure what freaked him out more – my naked body or the fact that I knew where he lived.



Submitted April 29, 2017 at 08:46AM by madazzahatter

It’s my wife’s birthday in a couple of days…

…and when I asked her what she wanted she said she’d be happy with anything with lots of diamonds in it.

She’s going to love this pack of playing cards I’ve bought her.



Submitted April 29, 2017 at 06:35AM by madazzahatter

Jokes about plaid are simply not okay

Far too many lines get crossed



Submitted April 29, 2017 at 08:44AM by optionalsilence

I told my son I was named after Thomas Jefferson…

He said, “But dad, your name is Brian.”

I said, “I know, but I was named AFTER Thomas Jefferson.”



Submitted April 29, 2017 at 08:44AM by madazzahatter

Two older couple were having breakfast

old man 1: We went to the best restaurant last night

old man 2: What's it's name?

old man 1: Oh, I have such a terrible memory. What's that red flower?

old man 2: Carnation?

old man 1: No, the one with the thorns.

old man 2: Rose?

old man 1: That's it. (turns to his wife) Hey Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?



Submitted April 29, 2017 at 05:25AM by doorbellguy

My girlfriend "Dad joked" me on a hike.

I asked my girlfriend what she thought trees would sound like if they talked while on a hike. She said "I bet we couldn't understand them" I said "why do you think that?" She said "because they probably only bark" She then laughed the next half mile down the trail barking occasionally and saying "shh, shh, do you hear that? Thats a tree talking in the distance"



Submitted April 29, 2017 at 06:28AM by sajjanrazi

My wife left me because I'm insecure

Oh wait, she was just getting a cup of coffee



Submitted April 29, 2017 at 04:15AM by Muffinvegan56

I told a guy talking on the phone in the library to shut the fuck up

As a result, everyone in the library started to applaud me so I turned and told them all to shut the fuck up too.



Submitted April 28, 2017 at 09:32PM by homelessryder

My girlfriend asked me if I wanted her to shave before we had sex for the first time.

I said no honey, your mustache looks fine.



Submitted April 29, 2017 at 01:54AM by Wyatt1710

My dad dad joked me.

So I was making coffee for everyone, and he asked me. ''Did you put the milk in my coffee?'' I said ''no, I dont know how you like it.'' ''I like it in the coffee personally''



Submitted April 29, 2017 at 06:20AM by rockreimoo12

Just bought a new lounge.

Sofa, so good.



Submitted April 29, 2017 at 05:45AM by Crazylegs_Ohooley

What do you call a fascist spaceman?

An astro-nazi.



Submitted April 28, 2017 at 10:16PM by RadiantShadow

A boy walks into an ice cream parlor....

The kid strolls up the counter, and the employee asks the lad....

"What flavor would you like?"

He looks over the list of flavors, and after a brief moment he says...

"Chocolate!"

With a sad face, the employee looks down to the boy and says... "I'm sorry, we're all out lf chocolate." The boy seems unfazed by this, and looks at the flavors again, taking even longer, then he says... "I'll have chocolate!" The employee raises an eyebrow and says "I told you, we're all out of Chocolate." The child looks kver the list again, and declares "Chocolate." To which the employee responds, "We're out of Chocolate."

They go through this about five more times, until the employee speaks up. "Say, you're a smart lad, can you spell the 'Straw' in Strawberry?" He spells it out.

"Very good! Now, can you spell the 'Van' in vanilla?" He spells it out.

"Now, can you spell the 'Fuck' in chocolate?"

The child looks confused, and after taking a moment to think states... "There is no 'Fuck' in chocolate."

The employee says "That's right. There's no fuckin' chocolate."



Submitted April 28, 2017 at 05:46PM by Champion_Gundyr

Friday, April 28, 2017

What sound does a 747 make when it bounces?

Boeing, Boeing, Boeing!



Submitted April 28, 2017 at 11:42PM by madazzahatter

I asked my dad a question today saying, "Was it hard to get so fat"?

He said, "Nah man, piece of cake."



Submitted April 28, 2017 at 11:44PM by WellHungHeady

Even in Retail, Dad Jokes Will Find a Way.

A husband and wife approached my register, and there's a variety of ways a customer will tell me they are in our rewards program. "I'm in the club." "I have a rewards card." Etc. There are a couple of weird ones people say, which brings us to this exchange I witnessed:

Me: hi there, did you find everything okay?

Wife: Yes, thank you. points to my till I'm in your computer, there.

Husband: How the HELL did you fit in there?

Wife: No, I meant I'm in the system!

Husband: GASP You didn't tell me you were arrested!!!

Wife: I swear to God I'm gonna hurt you.



Submitted April 28, 2017 at 10:19PM by NinaBisk

What sound does a 747 make when it bounces?

Boeing, Boeing, Boeing!



Submitted April 28, 2017 at 11:40PM by madazzahatter

A jew and a Chinese man are in an argument...

The jew says, "I hate your people for what you did at pearl harbour". The Chinese man says, what do you mean? That was the Japanese!". The jew replies, "Chinese, Japanese, Taiwanese, you're all the same. So the Chinese man says, "Well I hate your people for sinking the titanic". The jew says, "That's ridiculous; an iceberg sunk the titanic!". The Chinese man responds, "Iceberg, Goldberg, Silverberg, you're all the same".



Submitted April 28, 2017 at 10:33PM by CygnusX-1001001

Wearing crocs is like getting a blowjob from a guy,

It feels great until you look down and realize you're gay.

Edit: guys it's a joke not a dick don't take it so hard



Submitted April 28, 2017 at 09:26PM by ajhinius

Why didn't the balding man get a hairpiece?

Because he didn't want toupee for it



Submitted April 28, 2017 at 10:24PM by hotbuttbiscuit

My boy and I are DadDevil and the Son-isher



Submitted April 28, 2017 at 09:37PM by CaptCash

I played my wedding video backwards today.

It really cheered me up to see me take the ring off my wife's finger, walk out of church and go drinking with my friends.



Submitted April 28, 2017 at 04:46PM by ArchNova

Donald Trumps ask the Queen of England for Tips

Donald Trump met with the Queen of England, and he asked her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you could give me?"

"Well," replied the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."

Trump frowned, and then asked, "But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?"

The Queen took a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy; you just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle."

The Queen pushed a button on her intercom. "Please send Theresa May in here, would you?"

Theresa May walked into the room and said, "Yes, Your Majesty?"

The Queen smiled and said, "Answer me this, if you would, Theresa. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"

Without pausing for a moment, Theresa May answered, "That would be me."

"Yes! Very good," said the Queen.

Trump went back home to ask Mike Pence the same question. “ Mike, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child.

It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"

"I'm not sure," said Pence. "Let me get back to you on that one." He went to his advisers and asked everyone, but none could give him an answer.

Finally, Pence ran in to Sarah Palin in a restaurant the next night. Pence asked, "Sarah, can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Sarah Palin answered right back, "That's easy, it's me!"

Pence smiled, and said, "Thanks!"

Pence then, went back to speak with Trump. "Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle.

It's Sarah Palin!"

Trump got up, stomped over to Pence, and angrily yelled, "No, you idiot! It's Theresa May!"



Submitted April 28, 2017 at 03:11PM by MostInterestingly

Is it wrong to hate a specific race

Because I really hate marathons



Submitted April 28, 2017 at 05:34PM by FedoraMlady

hat do you call an Irish computer virus?

O'Malleyware



Submitted April 28, 2017 at 02:35PM by WhatWasMyAIMUsername

Chickens don't have a government.

But they do have a pecking order.



Submitted April 28, 2017 at 07:23PM by RichNCrispy

Did you hear about the dyslexic pimp?

He bought a warehouse



Submitted April 28, 2017 at 12:06PM by mrbadassmotherfucker

If Mississippi bought Virginia a New Jersey, what would Delaware?

Idaho... Alaska!



Submitted April 28, 2017 at 07:44PM by madazzahatter

I texted my wife today saying, "I love u!"

She replied, "Oh, really? :~)"

I said, "Yes, it's my favourite vowel."



Submitted April 28, 2017 at 05:49PM by madazzahatter

A politician dies...

And ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.

"So, you're a politician..." "Well, yes, is that a problem?" "Oh no, no problem. But we've recently adopted a new system for people in your line of work, and unfortunately you will have to spend a day in Hell. After that however, you're free to choose where you want to spend eternity!"

"Wait, I have to spend a day in Hell??" says the politician. "Them's the rules" Says St Peter, clicks his fingers, and WOOMPH, the guy dissapears... And awakes, curled up with his hands over his eyes, knowing he's in Hell. Cautiously, he listens for the screams, sniffs the air for brimstone, and finds... Nothing. Just the smell of, is that fabric softener? And cut grass, this can't be right?

"Open your eyes!" says a voice. "C'mon, wakey wakey, we've only got 24 hours!". Nervously, he uncovers his eyes, looks around, and sees he's in a hotel room. A nice one too. Wait, this is a penthouse suite... And there's a smiling man in a suit, holding a martini. "Who are you??" The politician asks. "Well, I'm Satan!" says the man, handing him the drink and helping him to his feet. "Welcome to Hell!" "Wait, this is Hell? But... Where's all the pain and suffering?" he asks. Satan throws him a wink. "Oh, we've been a bit mis-represented over the years, it's a long story. Anyway, this is your room! The minibar is of course free, as is the room service, there's extra towels next to the hot-tub, and if you need anything, just call reception. But enough of this! It's a beautiful day, and if you'd care to look outside..." Slightly stunned by the opulent surroundings, the man wanders over to the floor-to-ceiling windows through which the sun is glowing, looks far down, and sees a group of people cheering and waving at him from a golf course. "It's one of 5 pro-level courses on site, and there's another 6 just a few minutes drive out past the beach and harbour!" says Satan, answering his unasked question. So they head down in the lift, walk out through the glittering lobby where everyone waves and welcomes the man, as Satan signs autographs and cherrily talks shop with the laughing staff. And as he walks out, he sees the group on the golf course are made up of every one of his old friends, people he's admired for years but never met or worked with, and people whose work he's admired but died long before his career started. And out of the middle of this group walks his wife, with a massive smile and the body she had when she was 20, who throws her arms around him and plants a delicate kiss on his cheek. Everyone cheers and applauds, and as they slap him on the back and trade jokes, his worst enemy arrives, as a 2 foot tall goblin-esque caddy. He spends the day in the bright sunshine on the course, having the time of his life laughing at jokes and carrying important discussions, putting the world to rights with his friends while holding his delighted wife next to him as she gazes lovingly at him. Later, they return to the hotel for dinner and have an enormous meal, perfectly cooked, which descends into a food-fight when someone accidentally throws a bread roll at the next table (where Ghandi is having a game of truth-or-dare with Marylin Monroe). As everyone is falling about laughing and flinging breadsticks at each other, his wife whispers in his ear... And they return to their penthouse suite, and spend the rest of the night making love like they did on their honeymoon. After 6 hours of intense passion, the man falls deep into the 100% Egyptian cotton pillows, and falls into a deep and happy sleep... And is woken up by St Peter. "So, that was Hell. Wasn't what you were expecting, I bet?" "No sir!" says the man. "So then" says St Peter "you can make your choice. It's Hell, which you saw, or Heaven, which has choral singing, talking to God, white robes, and so on". "Well... I know this sounds strange, but on balance, I think I'd prefer Hell" says the politician. "Not a problem, we totally understand! Enjoy!" Says St Peter, and clicks his fingers again.

The man wakes up in total darkness, the stench of ammonia filling the air and distant screams the only noise. As he adjusts, he can see the only light is from belches of flame far away, illuminating the ragged remains of people being tortured or burning in a sulphurous ocean. A sudden bolt of lightning reveals Satan next to him, wearing the same suit as before and grinning, holding a soldering iron in one hand and a coil of razor-wire in the other. "What's this??" He cries. "Where's the hotel?? Where's my wife??? Where's the minibar, the golf-courses, the pool, the restaurant, the free drinks and the sunshine???"

"Ah", says Satan. "You see, yesterday, we were campaigning. But today, you voted..."



Submitted April 28, 2017 at 01:22PM by salientlife93

If you struggle cutting cake…

Is it still a piece of cake?



Submitted April 28, 2017 at 06:34PM by madazzahatter

I recited pi to 50 places

Now none of those places will invite me back.



Submitted April 28, 2017 at 06:19PM by elmonoenano

Atheism

Is a non-prophet organisation.



Submitted April 28, 2017 at 09:05AM by iSly_

The cost of caskets are getting so high..

I'm dying to see what my funeral costs are.



Submitted April 28, 2017 at 03:28PM by soboehmer

I spotted a license plate reading "4SHABBY" today

me: "I guess it's not two shabby"

gf: dies laughing



Submitted April 28, 2017 at 04:08PM by RackJacked

What does Luke Skywalker use to open .pdf files?

Adobe-Wan Kenobi.



Submitted April 28, 2017 at 12:51PM by WeirdWonderWolfy

What has two wings and an arrow?

A Chinese telephone!



Submitted April 28, 2017 at 09:00AM by hotpocketmann

Why wasn't jesus born in texas?

They couldn't find 3 wise men and a virgin



Submitted April 28, 2017 at 08:45AM by lionroar123

I just flew in from a Transformers convention...

Boy are my arms tires.



Submitted April 28, 2017 at 11:35AM by NoodleLips

I haven't spoken to my wife in nearly a year.

I don't like to interrupt her.



Submitted April 28, 2017 at 10:14AM by chadywacker

Suicide Bombing Instructor

What were the suicide bombing instructor's last words?

"Now I'm only going to show you this once!"



Submitted April 28, 2017 at 07:24AM by ajcapple1235

The use of capital letters can really change the meaning of a sentence.

For example:

I like to eat pancakes.
I like to eat capital letters.



Submitted April 28, 2017 at 10:45AM by AcousticViper

A vegan friend's status said if we had to kill...

A vegan friend's status said if we had to kill our own food, we wouldn't eat meat.

I think if he had to build his own computer he'd wouldn't whine on Facebook.



Submitted April 28, 2017 at 05:31AM by rahulxdd

Donald Trump has proposed a ban on pre-shredded cheese.

He said he wants to Make America Grate Again.



Submitted April 28, 2017 at 09:10AM by Del215

What do you get when you mix a rhetorical question with a joke?

No text found

Submitted April 28, 2017 at 10:11AM by yoquiero

Where do animals go when their tails fall off?

Retail store. I know I'm lame.



Submitted April 28, 2017 at 05:36AM by petronas360

I saw a sign that made me shit myself

It said "Bathroom closed"



Submitted April 28, 2017 at 08:17AM by CH-LOL

Where to put her purse?

Wife: "When I'm driving, and you are in the passenger seat, I have no place to put my purse!"

Me: "Yeah, its hard when there's another 'purse-in' here".

Wife: God, I hate your dad jokes.



Submitted April 28, 2017 at 08:39AM by gocards2579

Why can't a bicycle stand up on its own?

Because it is two tired



Submitted April 28, 2017 at 09:59AM by furushotakeru

In an orchestra where does the oboe sit?

Three spots behind the elbow!



Submitted April 28, 2017 at 10:01AM by Von_Nettesheim

You know what's funny?

Jokes.



Submitted April 28, 2017 at 09:15AM by MattTheProgrammer

If a miniature ship has a 3ft mast..

Could you call that a yard sail?



Submitted April 28, 2017 at 09:35AM by Bold_Archaic

I was arrested for taking a photo of a landing airplane.

I was charged with in descent exposure.



Submitted April 28, 2017 at 09:25AM by ArcturianMegadonkey

I started by running my hand across her shoulders and the small of her back…

I ran my hand over her breasts, touching them very lightly.

Then, I proceeded to run my hand gently down her side, sliding my hand over her stomach, and then down the other side to a point below her waist.

I continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and the other. My hand ran further down the outside of her thighs.

My gentle stroking then started up the inside of her left thigh, stopped and then returned to do the same to her right thigh.

By this time my wife was becoming aroused and she squirmed a little to better position herself.

I stopped abruptly and rolled over to my side of the bed.

"Why are you stopping?" she whispered.

I whispered back, "I found the remote."



Submitted April 28, 2017 at 08:52AM by madazzahatter

Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) posting a coded message on Reddit.

No text found

Submitted April 28, 2017 at 07:36AM by StewPaddasso

What did the bra say to the hat?

You go on ahead. I'll give these two a lift.



Submitted April 28, 2017 at 04:40AM by picketcricket

I started by running my hand across her shoulders and the small of her back…

I ran my hand over her breasts, touching them very lightly.

Then, I proceeded to run my hand gently down her side, sliding my hand over her stomach, and then down the other side to a point below her waist.

I continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and the other.

My hand ran further down the outside of her thighs.

My gentle stroking then started up the inside of her left thigh, stopped and then returned to do the same to her right thigh.

By this time my wife was becoming aroused and she squirmed a little to better position herself.

I stopped abruptly and rolled over to my side of the bed.

"Why are you stopping?" she whispered.

I whispered back, "I found the remote."



Submitted April 28, 2017 at 06:06AM by madazzahatter

Someone told me 91 degrees was hot...

But that's just obtuse.



Submitted April 28, 2017 at 07:16AM by Onegodoneloveoneway

A woman's having a hard time finding a healthy relationship

A woman's having a hard time finding a healthy relationship so she decides to place a very specific ad for a lover in the newspaper. The ad reads, "I am looking for someone who will never hit me, never walk on out on me, and is good in bed." A few days later, her doorbell rings. She answers the door to see a quadriplegic man sitting in a wheelchair. He smiles at her and claims to be the right man for her. a bit skeptical, she asks the man how could he possibly be the man she is looking for? The man says, "Look I have no arms, so I promise I will never hit you; and I also have no legs, so I promise I will never walk out on you." The woman, agreeing but not quite satisfied, asks “well how do I know you’ll be good in bed?" And the man smiles and replies, "how do you think I rang the doorbell?"



Submitted April 27, 2017 at 08:42PM by El_W

The worst part about being a giraffe

is having a lot of time to think about your mistakes when you’re sinking into quicksand.



Submitted April 28, 2017 at 04:18AM by zubindalal

The other day i looked down on a cinema filled with fish fingers

It was a birds eye vue



Submitted April 28, 2017 at 06:07AM by Jonhinchliffe10

I borrowed a graphic novel from my local library

The blurb on the cover said "Darth Vader fans need to check this book out."

I thought to myself "Shouldn't everyone have to?"



Submitted April 28, 2017 at 04:46AM by occas69

Thursday, April 27, 2017

Little kid named Chase was running around away from his mom at my daughter's dance today.

I told the mother she should have named him Doctor or Lawyer.



Submitted April 28, 2017 at 12:04AM by squirrelinmygarret

Why do Mexicans never cross the border in groups of three?

Because the sign says "No Trespassing"



Submitted April 27, 2017 at 05:28PM by wackoclown

What do you call a short clown?

A little funny.



Submitted April 27, 2017 at 09:27PM by gabrielc0208

Why did the Italian chef get locked out of his restaurant?

He had gnocchi!



Submitted April 27, 2017 at 10:01PM by MrRobotozilla

What's an Octopus's favorite toy

His eight little Lego's!



Submitted April 27, 2017 at 10:54PM by MrRenegadeRooster

It's down to two guys at a job interview.

Both of the men interviewing are equally qualified all the way down to eagle scout so the interviewer has an idea. "The one of you that can give me the better poem ending in Timbuktu gets the job." The first guy stands up and says, "Out across the desert sand went a lonely caravan. Underneath the sky so blue, their destination, Timbuktu." The second guy just sat there stunned. He knew he couldn't compete and was about to give up when inspiration stuck. "Me and Tim a fishing went when we saw three ladies in a tent. They being three, and we being two, I bucked one Tim bucked two."



Submitted April 27, 2017 at 06:23PM by -grc1-

I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon today

I'll let you know.



Submitted April 27, 2017 at 08:45PM by Sdavis2911

Interviewer: How much milk do these cows give?

Interviewer: How much milk do these cows give?

Farmer: Which one? The Black one or the brown one?

Interviewer: Brown one.

Farmer: A couple of litres per day.

Interviewer: And the black one?

Farmer: A couple of litres per day.

Interviewer(naturally a bit flummoxed): I see. What do you give them to eat?

Farmer: Which one? Black or brown?

Interviewer: Black.

Farmer: It eats grass.

Interviewer: And the other one?

Farmer: Grass.

Interviewer(now annoyed) : Why do you keep asking which one when the answers are the same?!

Farmer: Because the black one’s mine.

Interviewer: Oh, and the brown one?

Farmer: It’s also mine



Submitted April 27, 2017 at 07:39PM by Bradley_Haran

Cheap shoes...

...are a woman's arch enemy.



Submitted April 27, 2017 at 08:25PM by madazzahatter

Woman: What's your job?

Man: I empty dishwashers

Woman: So you're like a maid?

Man: No, I deliver babies



Submitted April 27, 2017 at 02:54PM by Game_Grumps_

I'm not proud of what I did in the Middle East...

Iran.



Submitted April 27, 2017 at 05:37PM by LordBaconus

A Man Coming Home from the Bar

James gets up from his barstool after a long night drinking alone and falls right to the floor.

He crawls to the door, pulls himself up to open it, and falls through the door as it swings open.

James continues this process as he crawls home pulling himself by his hands; falling to the floor with every pull.

As he rounds the corner to his apartment, James pulls himself up to the door knob, inserts the key and twist it and the door open. As much expected, James collapses to the floor, unable to support himself in this drunken state.

James finally makes it up the stairs to the room where his wife is soundly sleeping. He wrestles with himself while removing his clothes, attempting to be as quiet as possible.

James decides that he cannot make it into the shower to clean himself off, and he pulls himself up into bed.

Unsuccessfully, James awoke his wife on his way into bed. She stared at him angrily and said, "You were out at the bar again, weren't you?"

"No," said James, trying to sound inconspicuous. "I was out at the movies with a some buddies."

"Don't lie to me." Said his wife. "The bar called and they said you left your wheelchair there."



Submitted April 27, 2017 at 11:37AM by scwoopz

The other day I was second guessing my decision to book time to visit a Native American community...

It was a reservation reservation reservation.



Submitted April 27, 2017 at 05:22PM by Maimonides_vii

What do you get when you take the derivative of Amazon?

Amazon prime



Submitted April 27, 2017 at 05:38PM by daddykinz

There once lived a knight who was the strongest around. Legend says he ran circles around any who challenged him. His name:

Sir Cumference



Submitted April 27, 2017 at 03:31PM by SirTurkTurkelton

A young man was showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend...

She was thrilled at the speed. "If I do 200mph, will you take off your clothes?" he asked. "Yes!" said his adventurous girlfriend. And as he gets up to 200, she peeled off all her clothes.Unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car skidded onto some gravel and flipped over. The naked girl was thrown clear, but he was jammed beneath the steering wheel.

"Go and get help!" he cried.

"But I can't. I'm naked and my clothes are gone!"

"Take my shoe", he said, "and cover yourself."

Holding the shoe over her pubes, the girl ran down the road and found a service station. Still holding the shoe between her legs, she pleaded to the service station proprietor, "Please help me! My boyfriend's stuck!"

The proprietor looked at the shoe and said, "There's nothing I can do...he's gone in too far.".



Submitted April 27, 2017 at 01:27PM by GallantChicken

Do not touch...

Must be the most terrifying thing to read in braille!



Submitted April 27, 2017 at 09:04AM by Elliehc96

Why did the tomato turn red?

It saw the salad dressing.



Submitted April 27, 2017 at 03:44PM by Bodie1550

A cowboy walks into a store

He says to the clerk, "I want to get a repeater. How much for one?" The clerk responds, "How much for one?"



Submitted April 27, 2017 at 03:22PM by algebracassanova

It turns out Harry Potter flunked out of one class at Hogwarts.

He couldn't spell.



Submitted April 27, 2017 at 02:20PM by fatherjocular

A man walks into a bar...

I asked, "Are you okay? That look like it hurt."



Submitted April 27, 2017 at 03:01PM by Ninjaboy42099

I just yelled "Cow" to a girl in a bike, she then turned around and called me " Fucking idiot".

Thereafter she bikes straight into the cow. I tried to warn her..



Submitted April 27, 2017 at 12:52PM by Heltotg

Da feet

Colleague: 'okay, I'm admitting defeat'

Me: 'who's feet?'



Submitted April 27, 2017 at 12:23PM by TheGodThatFail3d

So I just stumbled across a bunch of videos made by a potato

So far he's my favorite YouTuber



Submitted April 27, 2017 at 12:27PM by gratethecheese

I wonder if...

I wonder if prison guards use proactiv to prevent breakouts.



Submitted April 27, 2017 at 12:19PM by starwarslady

My dad and I play hide and seek a lot to beat each other's record. My record is 2 hours until he found me.

His record is 20 years and still counting.



Submitted April 27, 2017 at 10:14AM by lovetakelovemake

What is Mexico's emergency number ?

Nine Juan Juan

  • Sent by my dad via text while I was on a business meeting


Submitted April 27, 2017 at 11:38AM by Folivao

Why are support characters in video games always female?

Because they have high heels.



Submitted April 27, 2017 at 10:57AM by Dapolish

My neighbours are listening to great music,

Whether they like it or not.



Submitted April 27, 2017 at 07:03AM by videospak

My daughter said, "This fork is tiny."

I replied, "Well, all forks are tine-y."



Submitted April 27, 2017 at 09:58AM by wizard7926

If you think riding a sled down an ice track is easy

You are delusional.



Submitted April 27, 2017 at 08:55AM by 2076baseballbat

A man walks into a bar...

The bartender asks "Why the long face?"

The man replies "I just found out my wife is sleeping with another man. I've decided I'm going to drink myself to death."

The bartender looks shocked and says "I'm sorry I can't help you kill yourself."

The man asks "Well what would you do in my situation?"

The bartender puffs himself up a bit and says "If I found out a guy was sleeping with my wife I wouldn't sit around feeling sorry for myself, I'd kill the guy."

The man jumps up from his stool and shouts "That's a great idea! Thanks!" and runs out of the bar.

A couple hours goes by and the bartender is starting to get nervous when the man walks back into the bar with a smile on his face.

"Did you kill the guy?" The bartender asks nervously.

"Nope! I slept with your wife. Whiskey please."



Submitted April 27, 2017 at 08:41AM by thesearchforcock

A woman has twins...

and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."



Submitted April 27, 2017 at 06:53AM by jtown09

What's the difference between 'unlawful' and 'illegal'?

One means it's against the law. The other is a sick bird.

-Told to me by my dad, about 40 years ago.



Submitted April 27, 2017 at 08:14AM by Billee_Boyee

My new girlfriend works at the zoo…

I think she's a keeper…



Submitted April 27, 2017 at 07:07AM by madazzahatter

What's the first thing a monster eats after he gets teeth cleaned?

The dentist.



Submitted April 27, 2017 at 08:25AM by AikmanOhEight

TIL Pontiac Grand Am's were originally only sold in one color burnt orange.

The Grand Yam.



Submitted April 27, 2017 at 06:43AM by vitamanpanguins81

My new girlfriend works at the zoo…

I think she's a keeper…



Submitted April 27, 2017 at 07:07AM by madazzahatter

I love summer in the UK.

My favourite day of the year.



Submitted April 27, 2017 at 05:37AM by tombola201uk

My standup routine about statistical inaccuracy went really badly...

It was a comedy of errors.



Submitted April 27, 2017 at 04:51AM by Middlerun

My sister bet me a hundred dollars I couldn't build a car out of spaghetti

You should've seen the look on her face as I drove pasta



Submitted April 26, 2017 at 09:30PM by dreph23

The inventor of the jug died today...

Tributes have been pouring in



Submitted April 27, 2017 at 05:46AM by idonnotknow

I tried to explain to my four-year-old son that it’s perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants…

But he’s not buying it.

In fact, he’s still making fun of me.



Submitted April 27, 2017 at 05:56AM by madazzahatter

What's the biggest difference between Google and Pornhub?

I'm willing to go to the 2nd page of search results on Pornhub.



Submitted April 27, 2017 at 12:15AM by twisted1blossom

Wednesday, April 26, 2017

I bought my friend an elephant for his room...

He said, "Thanks."

I said, "Don't mention it..."



Submitted April 27, 2017 at 02:13AM by madazzahatter

Did you know if you rearrange the letters in "THE POST OFFICE"

Nobody gets their mail.



Submitted April 26, 2017 at 08:58PM by dleclair

I bought a greyhound today and my wife asked me, "Are you going to race him?"

"Of course not." I replied. "He's faster than me."



Submitted April 27, 2017 at 12:44AM by madazzahatter

Thanks student loans for getting me through college.

I don't think I can ever pay you back.



Submitted April 26, 2017 at 09:57PM by LeDude97

Just sold my Honda element

Guess I am out of my element now.



Submitted April 27, 2017 at 12:06AM by banjowashisnameo

I bought a greyhound today and my wife asked me, "Are you going to race him?"

"Of course not." I replied. "He's faster than me."



Submitted April 27, 2017 at 12:43AM by madazzahatter

Why couldn't the bike stand up by itself

It was two tired



Submitted April 26, 2017 at 10:48PM by chitownsox19

Did you hear about theRussian Politician that faked his death

He was full of Bolonium.



Submitted April 26, 2017 at 11:12PM by nameformybadjokes

What's the difference between the USA and a bird?

On a bird, the left wing and the right wing work together to benefit the whole bird.



Submitted April 26, 2017 at 04:23PM by TheProFishonal

If I had a dollar for every gender

I'd have $1.77



Submitted April 26, 2017 at 08:45PM by MarshBoarded

Three vampires are discussing who is the most powerful.

Three vampires are in a castle in Transylvania discussing how strong and powerful they are. The youngest of the group slams his fist on the table and exclaims, "I am the fastest out of us three! Watch this!"

He bursts out the window transforming into a bat and flies towards a small village. 2 minutes later, he returns with his face covered in blood.

"What happened?!" the other two Vampires ask.

"You know that village by the woods?" the youngest Vampire explained. "I flew down there, killed and drank the blood of an entire family, and flew back here before they even knew what hit them."

"Very impressive!" shouted the second vampire. "But you're 1000 years too young to be faster than I!" and he burst threw the same window as the first, headed to the village. 1 minute later, the second vampire returned to the room through the window, his face a mask of blood.

"What happened?" exclaimed the other two vampires.

"That same village you went too? Many villagers gathered around the house you attacked to see what had happened. I managed to kill and drink the blood of five whole families and get back here before they even knew what hit them."

"Very impressive...." said the eldest vampire quietly. "But you are also 1000 years too young to be faster than I. I AM THE STRONGEST and FASTEST vampire alive!" and in a flash, the eldest vampire was through the window. 15 seconds later, the eldest returned to the room, his face drenched in blood.

"What happened?!" exclaimed the other two vampires.

"Did you see that tree the villagers planted years ago at the front of their village?"

"Of course." said the other two vampires.

"Well, I did not."



Submitted April 26, 2017 at 05:48PM by Moist_Gracie

How does Caitlyn Jenner like her penises?

[removed]



Submitted April 26, 2017 at 07:44PM by mkabrah2

Got my wife today...

Her: "Magazines are actually cheap. You can get ten issues for $10."

Me: "Wow that is cheap. I actually need a new pair of tennis shoes."



Submitted April 26, 2017 at 08:34PM by __removed__

Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two.

Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider :(



Submitted April 26, 2017 at 06:33PM by You_Again-_-

Why don't rocks like to talk to people?

Cause we take them for granite.



Submitted April 26, 2017 at 05:22PM by Shipless_Captain

I saw a talking muslim doll in the toy store

I asked the shop owner what it was supposed to say.

"Dunno" he said. "Nobody dared to pull the cord so far."



Submitted April 26, 2017 at 12:29PM by subliminalthoughts31

I was called the worst best man once

I was speechless.



Submitted April 26, 2017 at 03:33PM by mrpeanutbutter2

What does Trumps hair and a thong have in common?

They both barely cover the asshole



Submitted April 26, 2017 at 04:34PM by AstronautFisherman

How does a penguin build its house?

Igloos it together.



Submitted April 26, 2017 at 03:38PM by ToothMan22

What has two legs and bleeds profusely?

Half a cat.



Submitted April 26, 2017 at 10:11AM by queuedUp

Please don't throw cigarette butts in urinals.

It makes them soggy and hard to light.



Submitted April 26, 2017 at 10:24AM by Pudems

How does Harry Potter get down a hill

By walking

JK, ROWLING

(This isn't mine but I haven't seen it yet here sooooo)



Submitted April 26, 2017 at 02:46PM by spartan-44

Malaysian Airlines and United should merge

That way they can beat their passengers and no one will ever find out.



Submitted April 26, 2017 at 12:15PM by ThomasMartel234

What do you call it when Shrek works more than 40 hours a week?

Ogretime.



Submitted April 26, 2017 at 02:26PM by leejoness

April showers bring May flowers

What do Mayflowers bring?

Genocide



Submitted April 26, 2017 at 08:20AM by FogHorn_of_NE

I went to apply for the fire service, but I didn't get in...

All their doors open from the inside.



Submitted April 26, 2017 at 01:46PM by Craigiebob

What do you call a half human half cow monster that kills villagers at a rate of 60 a second?

A 60hurts Monitaur



Submitted April 26, 2017 at 11:51AM by Sephicien

I like to stand in the corner of my psychiatrist’s waiting room and blow on anyone who walks by…

Most people hate it, but I’m a fan.



Submitted April 26, 2017 at 06:53AM by madazzahatter

Where do Muslims go after they die?

Everywhere



Submitted April 26, 2017 at 06:27AM by You_Again-_-

Marriage in heaven

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple are involved in a fatal car accident.

The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.

While waiting, they began to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven?

When St. Peter showed up, they asked him. St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,'" and he left.

The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple were still waiting.

While waiting, they began to wonder what would happen if their marriage didn't work out; could you get a divorce in heaven?

After yet another month, St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in Heaven."

"Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard onto the ground.

"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.

"OH, COME ON!," St. Peter shouted,

"It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?"



Submitted April 26, 2017 at 04:52AM by smeden87

An upcoming Racer is hesitating on his new career...

so he yanked out his side mirrors because he didn't want to look back.



Submitted April 26, 2017 at 10:52AM by Efren_John

My friend turned into an ice cream cone whilst on holiday

He's been a wafer so long now



Submitted April 26, 2017 at 10:13AM by Jonhinchliffe10

My father taught me the first rule of theatre

"Always leave them wanting more"

A great man. Terrible anaesthetist.



Submitted April 26, 2017 at 01:59AM by hamismyfavcolour

My wife read me one of those lists about "100 Things To Do Before You Die"...

I was really surprised that "scream for help" was nowhere in there.



Submitted April 26, 2017 at 09:24AM by SSV_Kearsarge

Why was the little ant always confused?

Because all his uncles are ants



Submitted April 26, 2017 at 09:32AM by Earl_sweatervest

What do you call linking up your watches to form a belt?

A complete waist of time.



Submitted April 26, 2017 at 09:27AM by TuskenRaiders

Two Italian men get on a bus!

They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following: "Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time." "You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!" "Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."



Submitted April 26, 2017 at 05:14AM by homo9181

TIL unvaccinated children are less likely to be autistic

Because they are more likely to be dead.



Submitted April 26, 2017 at 03:18AM by ske7chpls

A son asks his dad..

Son: Is it true that a father will always be more knowledgeable than his son?

Dad: Of course!

Son: Who invented the light bulb?

Dad: Thomas Edison.

Son: If the father know so much more, why didn't he invented the light bulb instead?

Dad: Son, when it was lights out and dark, he was busy inventing Edison!



Submitted April 26, 2017 at 07:56AM by Aweife

A genie asked, "What’s your first wish?"

Steve answered, "I wish I was rich."

And the genie said, "What’s your second wish, Rich?"



Submitted April 26, 2017 at 07:34AM by madazzahatter

There was once a man named Odd.

People made fun of him because of his name so he decided to keep his gravestone blank when he died. Now when people pass by the burial site, they point and say, "That's odd."



Submitted April 26, 2017 at 05:31AM by Babygotback7

The FBI had an opening for an assasin

The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. 'We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances.'

Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair . . . Kill her!!' The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.' The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.'

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife.' The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife home.'

Finally, the last man was given the same instructions, to kill his wife. He took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the man, wiping the sweat from his brow. 'Some idiot loaded the gun with blanks' he said. 'I had to strangle the bitch to death'.



Submitted April 26, 2017 at 04:29AM by Gunnermal

We are selling my house. I told my wife that the buyers want to pump and inspect our septic tank. My wife looks at me and says,

"I guess they don't want us to leave any of our crap."



Submitted April 25, 2017 at 07:26PM by japhillips87

What I if told you...

... you read the first line wrong?



Submitted April 26, 2017 at 12:41AM by nathanblan11

Tuesday, April 25, 2017

I caught my wife on a porn site this morning

I'll have to ask her about it when she gets home



Submitted April 25, 2017 at 04:13PM by thegreatgatsb14

Did you know diarrhea is genetic

It runs in your genes



Submitted April 25, 2017 at 05:18PM by chitownsox19

Why was the Italian chef so stressed?

Because his job was in pasta bowl



Submitted April 25, 2017 at 09:21PM by trappedcouchfarts

Doctor: I understand you're experiencing hearing difficulties. Please describe the symptoms.

Patient: Well, Homer is fat and Marge has blue hair.

Posted on behalf of /r/ScottishPeopleTwitter's comment section



Submitted April 25, 2017 at 06:37PM by Harleyquincey