Friday, March 31, 2017

The Husband Store

Recently a "Husband Super Store" opened where women could go to choose a husband from among many men. It was laid out in five floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended.

The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you HAD to choose a man from that floor; if you went up a floor, you couldn't go back down except to leave the place, never to return. A couple of girlfriends went to the shopping centre to find some husbands...

First floor

The door had a sign saying, "These men have jobs and love kids." The women read the sign and said, "Well, that's better than not having a job or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?" So up they went.

Second floor

The sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking." "Hmmm," said the ladies, "But, I wonder what's further up?"

Third floor

This sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good looking, love kids and help with the housework." "Wow," said the women, "Very tempting." But there was another floor, so further up they went.

Fourth floor

This door had a sign saying "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak." "Oh, mercy me," they cried, "Just think what must be awaiting us further on!

So up to the fifth floor they went.

Fifth floor

The sign on that door said, "This floor is empty and exists only to prove that women are fucking impossible to please. The exit is to your left, we hope you fall down the stairs."



Submitted March 31, 2017 at 06:03PM by Right2017

Did you hear about the guy who got his gas siphoned?

It was an April fuels day joke...



Submitted March 31, 2017 at 08:06PM by GladWitch

Parlez-vous français ?

Dad: What do you have there in your porridge, son?

Son: Just wheat and bananas

Dad: Salut "and bananas", je suis ton père



Submitted March 31, 2017 at 10:53PM by Qwerp-Derp

Three men die within 10 seconds of each other...

...go to heaven, and are greeted by Saint Peter at the gates. Saint Peter says, "Our apologies, but due to logistics constraints, only one man can be let into heaven at a time. The man with the most interesting story goes first." The men mumble agreement, and the first man says; "Well, I've been suspecting for a while that my wife was having an affair. I came home early one day and found her naked on the sofa. I said, 'Aha! Where is he?' but before she could answer I saw a man hanging off our railing on the terrace. So I walk over to him, and hit him with my shoes until he lets go and falls to his death. For good measure, I dragged a refrigerator over and dropped it onto the man. But all of that stress gave me a heart attack, so here I am." St. Peter nods in acknowledgement, and the second man says; "Well, my cat escaped onto the terrace again today. I went to go catch it, but I tripped on my balcony railing and fell! Luckily, I caught my neighbor's railing and held on there, screaming help. But then he sees me, runs over, and starts hitting me with his shoe until I fall! I fall, and barely survive, but then I see a refrigerator flying at me... And now I'm here." The first two men look over at the third man, who says: "Well, I was having the best sex of my life with a gorgeous woman. But the door rang, and she told me to hide in the refrigerator... And now I'm here!"



Submitted March 31, 2017 at 02:07PM by A_Torquing_Kerbal

If Amazon sold meat, it would be Prime rib.

No text found

Submitted March 31, 2017 at 05:19PM by neragonian

What do you call two stickers on top of each other

Stackers



Submitted March 31, 2017 at 09:40PM by Popopopper123

What do you call a city of eggs?

New Yolk City



Submitted March 31, 2017 at 08:38PM by sk1nnyjeans

I've been on three dates with a woman who works in a zoo.

I think she's a keeper.



Submitted March 31, 2017 at 08:48PM by nxvacaiine

What’s the name of Mr. T’s girlfriend?

April, fools



Submitted March 31, 2017 at 03:40PM by SullyGee

Racecar backwards is still racecar

but racecar sideways is how Paul Walker died.



Submitted March 31, 2017 at 02:58PM by AF_Labs

I needed a new password and it had to be eight characters.

I had the perfect idea!

Snow white and the seven dwarves!



Submitted March 31, 2017 at 05:42PM by AtleeH

Sometimes, I tell dad jokes.

Sometimes, he even laughs!



Submitted March 31, 2017 at 03:03PM by sugarycosmiclatte

Why don't Melania and Donald Trump sleep in the same bed?

She was tired of Putin's snoring.



Submitted March 31, 2017 at 03:23PM by shouldibeawake4this

My dad has a rare genetic disorder that he passed down to me.

He poops his pants every hour on the hour. Needles to say I have really shitty genes



Submitted March 31, 2017 at 04:34PM by choochngoose

Did you hear that in Ohio they're having round hay bails outlawed?

The agricultural group behind the new law say it's to make sure all cows get a square meal.

(Courtesy of my Uncle, king of the dadjoke.)



Submitted March 31, 2017 at 03:52PM by AbiNormL

SEX AND GOOD GRAMMAR

On his 70th birthday, a man was given a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate was for consultation with an Indian medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a simple cure for erectile dysfunction. The husband went to the reservation and saw the medicine man.

The old Indian gave him a potion and, with a grip on his shoulder, warned ‘This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say: ‘1-2-3.' When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform for as long as you want.”

The man thanked the old Indian, and as he walked away, he turned and asked: “How do I stop the medicine from working?" "Your partner must say ‘1-2-3-4,' he responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon.”

He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom.

When she came in, he took off his clothes and said: "1-2-3!” Immediately, he was the manliest of men.

His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and asked: "What was the 1-2-3 for?”

And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.



Submitted March 31, 2017 at 12:18PM by voracread

My wife said she's leaving me because I "can't do anything right when it comes to housework. "

Selfish bitch, it took me hours to mop that carpet.



Submitted March 31, 2017 at 10:29AM by PaytheDevil

Told this dad joke to my roommate.

So he was blowing into an inflatable floating tube for the swimming pool. Me: "Maybe someone should punch you while you blow into it." Him: "Why?" Me: "So that you can get the wind knocked out of you" Him: Silent stare.



Submitted March 31, 2017 at 12:54PM by vin_kaushik

How many ears has captain Kirk got?

3.

His left ear, his right ear, and the final front ear.

(A joke that my dad told me years ago)



Submitted March 31, 2017 at 01:29PM by bakerie

"Push harder", I shouted at my wife while she was in labor.

"Screw you" she screamed back at me.

Bit harsh I thought...... it wasn't my fault the car broke down on the way to the hospital!



Submitted March 31, 2017 at 11:19AM by cualcrees

I got talking to a North African girl in her native language for hours the other day

We just clicked



Submitted March 31, 2017 at 01:48PM by FishcakeWoodSpy

Why did the man driving a train get struck by lightning?

He was a good conductor.



Submitted March 31, 2017 at 12:44PM by PDXCharmander

Your cat died

A woman went on vacation, leaving her husband behind. Before she left, she told him to take extra special care of her cat.The next day she called her husband and asked if the cat was all right.

Her husband said: The cat just died.

She burst into tears and said: How could you be so blunt? Why couldn't you have broken the news gradually! Today, you could have said that it was playing on the roof; tomorrow, you could have said that it fell off and had broken its leg; then on the third day, you could have said that the poor thing had passed away in the night. You could have been more sensitive about the whole thing. By the way, how is my mom?

Husband: She is playing on the roof.



Submitted March 31, 2017 at 04:42AM by geralt_wolf

Man... gravity...

It's a real downer...



Submitted March 31, 2017 at 12:10PM by Imgofinvisible

My dog started feeling pain in his joints...

I think he has arfritis.



Submitted March 31, 2017 at 11:21AM by bigbthebenji

Sometimes I tuck my knees up into my chest and lean forward.

That's just how I roll.



Submitted March 31, 2017 at 08:47AM by atodaso

My town never changes population.

Everytime a girl gets pregnant, a guy leaves town.



Submitted March 31, 2017 at 10:10AM by dominicedcel

Dadjoke'd my girlfriend just now

On facebook messenger

Her: Wow my visa is the smallest it's been in a while!

Me: Really? Those visa cards has been same size for long while.

Her: >:(



Submitted March 31, 2017 at 11:12AM by Evan_Giants

I had a dream that I was a muffler last night.

I woke up exhausted!



Submitted March 31, 2017 at 10:48AM by SHavens

Why is Humpty Dumpty so optimistic about the coming Winter?

Because he had a great Fall!



Submitted March 31, 2017 at 10:51AM by WaterRules

European?

I'm a poopin'.



Submitted March 31, 2017 at 10:14AM by that_JP

Someone said my clothes were gay

I said "Yeah, they came out of the closet this morning."



Submitted March 31, 2017 at 06:48AM by Lv1_Magikarp

I had to talk to someone about the contents of his briefcase

I guess you could say I debriefed him



Submitted March 31, 2017 at 08:33AM by Extensionlead

How do you leave an idiot in suspense

Never mind I'll tell you later



Submitted March 31, 2017 at 08:54AM by ratonacliffe

A Blonde Woman Asks For A $5000 Loan

A blonde woman walks into a bank in NYC before going on vacation and asks for a $5,000 loan. The banker asks, "Okay, miss, is there anything you would like to use as collateral?" The woman says, "Yes, of course. I'll use my Rolls Royce." The banker, stunned, asks, "A $250,000 Rolls Royce? Really?" The woman is completely positive. She hands over the keys, as the bankers and loan officers laugh at her. They check her credentials, make sure she is the title owner. Everything checks out. They park it in their underground garage for two weeks. When she comes back, she pays off the $5,000 loan as well as the $15.41 interest. The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very appreciative of your business with us, but I have one question. We looked you up and found out that you are a multi-millionaire. Why would you want to borrow $5,000?" The woman replies, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"



Submitted March 31, 2017 at 01:52AM by Earl_Crump

My psychologist told me:

"Write letters to the people you hate and later on you burn them."

I have done so, but now I don't know what to do with the letters...



Submitted March 31, 2017 at 06:06AM by Schaatser28

Heard a good one from the IT guy at work today...

IT guy was working on a gentlemen from sales laptop...

Sales guy: Did you come right?

IT Guy: No, but my Dad did.



Submitted March 31, 2017 at 07:06AM by ctrl_alt_death

A dog can't read an MRI.

But catscan.



Submitted March 31, 2017 at 06:05AM by FriskySour

My priest is surprisingly homophobic...

...for a man who spends his nights on his knees, begging for another man to come for a second time.



Submitted March 31, 2017 at 02:56AM by Willaguy

Forgive me Father, for I have sinned...

... "go on" says the priest. "I swore the other day" says the man. "continue" says the priest. "I was on the golf course the other day and I hit my drive, it was looking perfect, heading dead straight. About 200 yards down my ball hit a power line crossing the fairway."

"And this is when you swore?" asked the priest. "No father, my ball then ricocheted of the power lines and flew off into the deep rough" continued the man.

"This must have been when you swore?" the priest exclaimed. "No father, not yet. As I was walking over to the rough to hit my second shot a hawk flew down from the trees, picked my ball up in his beak and proceeded to fly off with it" continued the man.

"Ahhh I see" says the priest, "this must have been the point where you swore." "Nope not yet, as the bird flew over the green the ball fell from its mouth and landed two feet from the hole."

The priest pauses for a few seconds.

"You missed the fucking putt didn't you?"



Submitted March 31, 2017 at 01:37AM by goots95

A young black Jew asks his father, "Dad, am I more black or more Jew?"...

"Why do you ask?" asks the Dad.

The boy says, "Well, a guy at school has a bike for sale for $150 and I can't decide if I want to haggle him down to $100, or just steal it."



Submitted March 31, 2017 at 12:15AM by Aligator237

Did you hear about the Italian Chef who died?

He pasta way. I never sausage a tragic thing. He is now a pizza history. Sending olive my support to his family. We cannoli do so much though. I feel for his wife. Cheese still not over it. I guess he just ran out of thyme.



Submitted March 30, 2017 at 04:05PM by joel_qwerty

If you ever get thrown into jail

Introduce yourself as the mitochondria...

You're the powerhouse of the cell.



Submitted March 30, 2017 at 08:57PM by Luigi9209

A young family moved into a house...

next to a vacant lot. One day, a Construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.

The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers.

Eventually the construction crew, all of them "gems-in-the-rough" more or less, had adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars.

The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her ten dollars "pay" she'd received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.

When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied: "I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us."

"Oh my goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?"

The little girl replied, "I will, if those assholes from the lumber yard ever deliver the damn sheet rock."



Submitted March 30, 2017 at 07:31PM by alfalfasprouts

Why did the melons have a wedding?

Because they cantaloupe



Submitted March 30, 2017 at 08:51PM by iciberg

Dad Joke Generator



Submitted March 30, 2017 at 05:10PM by flyinggoatcheese

What did one snowman say to the other snowman?

Something smells like carrots.



Submitted March 30, 2017 at 11:15PM by KitterLitter

Thursday, March 30, 2017

A CNN reporter, a BBC reporter, and an Israeli commando are captured by ISIS in Iraq.

The leader of the terrorists told them that he would grant them each one last request before they were beheaded.

The CNN Reporter said, "Well, I’m an American, so I’d like one last hamburger with French fries.”

The leader nodded to an underling who left and returned with the burger & fries. The reporter ate it and said “Now, I can die.”

The BBC Reporter said, "I’m a reporter to the end. I want to take out my tape recorder and describe the scene here and what’s about to happen. Maybe someday someone will hear it and know that I was on the job till the end.”

The ISIS leader directed an aide to hand over the tape recorder and dictated some comments. The reporter then said, "Now I can die knowing I stayed true until the end.”

The ISIS leader turned to the Israeli commando and said, “And now, Mr. Israeli tough guy, what is your final wish?”

“Kick me in the butt ,” said the soldier.

“What?" asked the leader, “Will you mock us in your last hour?”

“No, I’m not kidding. I want you to kick me in the butt ,” insisted the Israeli.

So the terrorist leader shoved him into the open and kicked him in the behind. The soldier went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled a 9 mm pistol from under his flak jacket, and shot the leader dead. In the resulting confusion, he jumped to his knapsack, pulled out his carbine and sprayed the terrorists with gunfire. In a flash, all terrorists were either dead or fleeing for their lives. As the soldier was untying the reporters, they asked him, “Why didn’t you just shoot them in the beginning? Why did you ask them to kick you in the butt first?”

“What?” replied the Israeli, “and have you report that I was the aggressor?”



Submitted March 30, 2017 at 08:22PM by wackoclown

A guy came into my office today and showed me a picture of his pride and joy.



Submitted March 30, 2017 at 07:42PM by imperfect5outof7

What did the father squirrel tell his son?

Acorny joke.



Submitted March 30, 2017 at 05:18PM by Heesch

What do you call two Mexican firemen?

Jose and Hose B



Submitted March 30, 2017 at 04:14PM by Leckster360

My mum didn't believe I could make a car out of spaghetti

You should have seen her face when I drove pasta



Submitted March 30, 2017 at 05:15PM by Therealbruce_forsyth

I'll never forget my grandfather's last words

"Stop shaking the ladder, you little cunt!"



Submitted March 30, 2017 at 12:58PM by fAnOfAp

A feminist coal mine walk into a German bar

Bartender says, ''Entschuldigung, Hier kann das Bergwerk nicht trinken!'' The mine angrily asks, "Did you just assume my gender!!?'' Then the Bartender replies, "Nein, I just assume mine."



Submitted March 30, 2017 at 01:59PM by ATM1234

I got pulled over by a female cop...

When I rolled down my window to ask what was wrong, she said "NOTHING"



Submitted March 30, 2017 at 03:01PM by Marc_Lewis

A guy walks into a bar and notices a jar of money on the bar.

A guy walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills.

He guesses there must be thousands of dollars in it.

He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's up with the jar?"

"Well, you pay $10 and if you pass three tests, you get all the money..."

The man certainly isn't going to pass this up. "What are the three tests?"

"Pay first. Those are the rules," says the bartender. So the man gives him the $10 and the bartender drops it into the jar.

"O.K.," the bartender says. "Here's what you need to do:

First, you have to drink an entire gallon of pepper tequila, the whole thing, all at once and you can't make a face while doing it.

Second, there is pit bull chained up out back with a sore tooth. You have to remove the tooth with your bare hands.

Third, there's a 90 year old woman upstairs who has never reached orgasm during intercourse. You've got to make things right for her."

The man is stunned. "I know I paid my $10, but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it. You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila and then do those other things!"

"Your call," says the bartender, "but your money stays where it is."

As time goes on the man has a few drinks, then a few more, and he asks, "Where's zat tequila?"

He grabs the gallon with both hands and downs it with a few big slurps. Tears are streaming down both cheeks, but he doesn't make a face.

Next, he staggers out back where the pit bull is chained-up and soon the people inside the bar hear a huge, noisy scuffle going on outside.

They hear the pit bull barking, the guy screaming, the pit bull yelping and then silence.

Just when they think the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar with his shirt ripped and large bloody scratches all over his body.

"NOW," he says, "Where's the old woman with the sore tooth?"



Submitted March 30, 2017 at 11:17AM by rigamarolexq

What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo?

One is really heavy, and one is a little lighter.



Submitted March 30, 2017 at 08:08AM by thisispants

A quick guide on "How to fall downstairs":

Step 1

Step 6

Step 8, 9, 10, 11.



Submitted March 30, 2017 at 02:06PM by Yea_I_Reddit

What do you call a nervous abominable snowman?

An anxiyeti.



Submitted March 30, 2017 at 01:48PM by this_time_i_mean_it

I'm with the government when it comes to solving our countries problems.

I haven't got a fucking clue either.



Submitted March 30, 2017 at 09:36AM by tombola201uk

Construction Worker Joke

Construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw. So he spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can't hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language. He pointed to his eye meaning "I", pointed to his knee meaning "need", then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion. The man on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his chop and starts masturbating. The worker on 5th floor gets so pissed off he runs down to the ground floor and says, "What the fuck is your problem!!! I said I needed a hand saw!". The other guy says, "I knew that! I was just trying to tell you - I'm coming!



Submitted March 30, 2017 at 10:48AM by nwfor4433

A muslim walks into a gay bar

The bartender ask what he'll be having. The Muslim replies, shots for everybody.



Submitted March 30, 2017 at 07:54AM by vgogh

Hell explained

The following is an actual question given on a University of Arizona chemistry mid-term, and an actual answer turned in by a student.

The answer by this student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :

Bonus Question:

Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving, which is unlikely. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

  1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

  2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct..... ...leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa repeatedly kept shouting 'Oh my God, I’m coming!'

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.



Submitted March 30, 2017 at 10:07AM by PirbyKuckett

What do angry peppers do?

They get jalapeno face.



Submitted March 30, 2017 at 12:03PM by grandzu

reddit inside (dad) joke: How did the skatepark muralist respond to off-topic questions during his AMA?

"Guys, we're here to talk about ramp art"



Submitted March 30, 2017 at 10:07AM by a_throwaway_natch

My daughter is crazy about female deer

You could say she's a doe nut.



Submitted March 30, 2017 at 11:22AM by Colinmacus

My girlfriend's parents are very religious

The first time I went to stay with her at her parents' house her dad wouldn't let us sleep together.

Which is a shame because he is very attractive.



Submitted March 30, 2017 at 01:59AM by putmyneckinanoose

Whats the internal temperature of a taun taun?

Luke warm



Submitted March 30, 2017 at 08:11AM by the_nerdling

A Funny Joke

Scientists recently did a study on the effects the right side and left side of a brain had on counting. They first took out the left half of a man's brain and asked him to count to 10.

He says, "2, 4, 6, 8, 10".

They put the left half back in and removed the right half, asking him to count to 10 again.

He says "1, 3, 5, 7, 9".

Finally they decided to just go for it and removed the whole brain. They again asked him to count to 10 one more time.

He says, "Look. I'm great at counting to 10, ok? I love numbers and I have the best numbers. No one has better numbers than I do. My 4th grade math teacher - and let me tell you, she was the best and smartest math teacher in the country at the time - my 4th grade math teacher said to me that I am the best counter she's ever seen. The best. So if you want me to count to 10, let me tell you I can count to 10 alright. That's no problem. I will do it. I will. And I will do it better than any has ever done it before, ok?"



Submitted March 30, 2017 at 02:45AM by lilwanch

Bought a concert ticket for $0.45

It was Fifty Cent with Nickelback.



Submitted March 30, 2017 at 09:59AM by DocWhiskeyPhD

Jesus' life told by the bible

  1. baby
  2. ???
  3. prophet


Submitted March 30, 2017 at 06:19AM by zac50333

If you are on an airplane, you have a lot of power

because you know people in high places.



Submitted March 30, 2017 at 07:26AM by 2076baseballbat

An old women goes to the doctor

She says to the doctor, "I have a really embarrassing problem and I have finally convinced myself to come and see you"

"You see, I constantly fart, but there is no sound and no smell so it hasn't bothered me all these years. I've even farted three times since coming into your office"

"I see" says the doctors and proceeds to prescribe her some pills. "Take these three times a day and come back for a checkup in a week".

A week later the women storms into the doctors office. "Doctor what have you done! ever since taking those pills my farts have become unbearably stinky, you've made it worse!"

The doctor calmly says "right, now that we've cured your sinuses, lets start working on your hearing"



Submitted March 30, 2017 at 04:09AM by SealgiRaffeBison

A Guy walks into a bar

A man walks into a bar and says, "Give me a beer before the problems start!" He drinks the beer and then orders another saying, "Give me a beer before the problems start!" The bartender looks confused. This goes on for a while, and after the fifth beer the bartender is totally confused and asks the man "When are you going to pay for these beers?" The man answers, "Now the problems start!"



Submitted March 30, 2017 at 04:31AM by SplitzerShitzer

This sub can be a good ice breaker.



Submitted March 30, 2017 at 06:46AM by Fat_Lenny

Why don't blind people go skydiving

It scares the dog



Submitted March 30, 2017 at 06:34AM by ratonacliffe

Today we bought a new Nissan NV3500 today...

The salesperson handed me the keys and said "Now all your neighbors are going to be jealous".

I looked at him and said "We'll definitely be the NV of the neighborhood".



Submitted March 30, 2017 at 12:41AM by BangkokMillionaire

My wife was complaining that I never listen to her any more...

I said "no thank's I've just had one".



Submitted March 30, 2017 at 01:59AM by eltegs

My mom got mad at me the other day for tickling my little brothers foot.

Something about "waiting until he's born" whatever that means.



Submitted March 29, 2017 at 11:41PM by reiddoherty3798

Our neighbours have two large, fluffy dogs

They look like they could pull a dog sled, but they're very quiet. Never bark.

I think they're Mala-mutes.



Submitted March 29, 2017 at 10:57PM by relevant84

Why do flamingos stand on one leg...

...because if they lift the other, they'll fall down.



Submitted March 30, 2017 at 12:37AM by russo3js

I have sex almost everyday

Almost Monday Almost Tuesday Almost Wednesday Almost Thursday Almost Friday Almost Saturday Almost Sunday



Submitted March 29, 2017 at 08:33PM by pilotfighter911

[NSFW] Your momma so ugly

when she was giving blowjobs, everyone though it was anal.



Submitted March 29, 2017 at 10:40PM by fml21

Why don't Italians like Jehovah's Witnesses?

Italians don't like ANY witnesses



Submitted March 29, 2017 at 06:23PM by thompsjd2011

A drunk walks into two priests

A drunk staggers out of a bar and runs right into two priests. He says, I'm Jesus Christ. The first priest says, No, son, you're not. The drunk turns to the other priest. I'm Jesus Christ. The second priest replies, No, son, you're not. So the drunk says, Look, I can prove it. He walks back into the bar with the two priests. The bartender takes one look at the drunk and exclaims, Jesus Christ, you're here again?



Submitted March 29, 2017 at 06:15PM by Deathwithwaffles

Wednesday, March 29, 2017

What is atheism?

A non-prophet organization.



Submitted March 29, 2017 at 01:12PM by Valoid

So this panda is driving down a road,

And he sees a prostitute standing on the corner, he thinks ' cor im gonna have some of that' and he stops to pick her up. 'Fancy a good time hun?' 'well i would, but im a panda and i dont have a house' 'i know a place' so he lets her in and they drive off. They get back to hers and make their way upstairs. The panda takes off her clothes and she nibbles his ear, leading to a few hours of furious sex. As they are both cooling down the prostitute says 'well that was interesting, but if you could pay now then i would like that' 'Pay?' says the panda startled 'yeah, you do know what a prostitute is? Look it up in this dictionary' so the panda looks down and reads the definition. -prostitute-a person, in particular a woman, who engages in sexual activity for payment. The panda looks at her and says 'Well im a Panda' 'So?!?' 'Look it up in the dictionary' She looks down and reads.. -Panda- Eats shoots and leaves.



Submitted March 29, 2017 at 03:25PM by purp_316

Coffee...

...isn't my cup of tea.



Submitted March 29, 2017 at 07:31PM by madazzahatter

Why don't you ever see hippos hiding in trees?

Because they're so good at it.



Submitted March 29, 2017 at 06:52PM by batmanjerkins

Dad joke comics

Werewolf

Spiderman Uncle Ben

All credit to u/theunderfold Love your comics dude!



Submitted March 29, 2017 at 04:21PM by nikhilbhavsar

Why did the African 3 year old cry?

He was having a mid life crisis



Submitted March 29, 2017 at 04:58PM by RekkerOfM8s

Not a dad, but got a girl with one at work.

I work at Chipotle, and I spend the mornings bagging chips and putting them up on display. After we opened the cashier said, "those chips are too close together. I almost knocked over some trying to one down."

Without even thinking I said, "yeah, sorry...I run a pretty tight chip."

She didn't laugh. :/



Submitted March 29, 2017 at 04:35PM by Captain_Planet_27

Many people are shocked...

...when they find out I'm a horrible electrician.



Submitted March 29, 2017 at 12:51PM by YourNameIsIrrelevant

If I want to stereotype do I need to use both hands?

No text found

Submitted March 29, 2017 at 03:46PM by lucidus_somniorum

I have a bumper sticker that says, "honk if you think I'm sexy"...

I just sit at green lights until I feel good about myself.



Submitted March 29, 2017 at 01:07PM by AndrewSFolger

My wife told me that 75% of communication between couples is based on listening.

I said "Really? I've never heard that before."



Submitted March 29, 2017 at 03:02PM by dylex31

I drew it perfectly

I'm a teacher and I love to dadjoke my students. You guys are really amazing.

So I'm teaching economics and we deal with a lot of tables and the like.

I show them the table, point at it and tell them to "draw this table" then I point at a chair and say "then draw this chair" (and they give me the look of pure success).

I got them many times. Today I was lucky to catch it on video. I posted it to Twitter if you'd like to see it (and hear the 5 on the sighsmograph)

https://twitter.com/JoAngryTeacher/status/847162266856439808?s=09



Submitted March 29, 2017 at 03:12PM by sal6a

A Black Guy, a Mexican, and a Muslim holding a Gay Chicken Walk Into a Bar

Bartender says, "We don't do jokes in here."

The chicken says, "Come on guys I know a place across the street."



Submitted March 29, 2017 at 11:46AM by tugnasty

What do you get when you punch a polar bear in the nose?

Eaten



Submitted March 29, 2017 at 02:14PM by kornykory

What's the difference between a blind man and a blind man?

The address is on the screen

Answers on a post card.



Submitted March 29, 2017 at 01:26PM by eltegs

The local charity realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer.

So a volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office. The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, 'Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community?.

The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, 'First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long painful illness, and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?'

Embarrassed, the rep mumbles, 'Uh... No, I didn't know that.'

'Secondly,' says the lawyer, 'did it show that my brother, a disabled Veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?

The stricken rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again

'Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and another that has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?'

The humiliated rep, completely beaten, says, 'I'm so sorry. I had no idea.

And the lawyer says, 'So, if I didn't give any money to them, what makes you think I'd give any to you?



Submitted March 29, 2017 at 09:22AM by polarlink

Just a picture of the neighborhood kindergarden.



Submitted March 29, 2017 at 08:22AM by Spiderpiggie

What is big, yellow and can't swim?

A bus full of children



Submitted March 29, 2017 at 07:25AM by italian_stallion94

Two chemists walk into a bar.

Two chemists walk into a bar. The first one says, "I'll have some H2O." The second says, "I'll have some water too. But why'd you order it like that? We aren't at work." The first chemist excuses himself and weeps in the bathroom. His assassination plot had failed.



Submitted March 29, 2017 at 06:00AM by DonaldVerduzco

What do you call Iced Tea that tastes really bad?

Nestea.



Submitted March 29, 2017 at 02:22AM by egoistisch

Please enter your new password

WEBSITE: Please enter your new password

ME: beef

WEBSITE: Sorry. Your password is not stroganoff

credit goes to my girlfriend



Submitted March 29, 2017 at 04:25AM by Fluffy_Daedra

This is bang out of order

A G N B



Submitted March 29, 2017 at 09:48AM by FishcakeWoodSpy

I was having a beer with the wife last night, when I suddenly blurted out, "I love you more than anything on earth!"

She said, "I bet that's the beer talking, isn't it?"

I said, "No, it's me talking to the beer!"



Submitted March 29, 2017 at 06:25AM by madazzahatter

When ordering take out food...

This is something I do often and will get a wide variety of actions.

Cashier: Would you like a receipt sir?

Me (with a slightly weirded out and inquisitive expression): Are you sure you want me bringing this back once i'm done with it?



Submitted March 29, 2017 at 08:47AM by Snapsh0ts

We named our son after me...

He doesn't really like the name 'dad' though...



Submitted March 29, 2017 at 08:25AM by madazzahatter

An easy question to Albert Einstein!

One day, Einstein has to speak at an important science conference. On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him:

"I'm sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!"

The driver agrees: "You're right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I could give the conference in your place."

"That's a great idea!" says Einstein. "Let's switch places then!"

So they switch clothes and as soon as they arrive, the driver dressed as Einstein goes on stage and starts giving the usual speech, while the real Einstein, dressed as the car driver, attends it.

But in the crowd, there is one scientist who wants to impress everyone and thinks of a very difficult question to ask Einstein, hoping he won't be able to respond. So this guy stands up and interrupts the conference by posing his very difficult question. The whole room goes silent, holding their breath, waiting for the response.

The driver looks at him, dead in the eye, and says :

"Sir, your question is so easy to answer that I'm going to let my driver reply to it for me."



Submitted March 29, 2017 at 07:13AM by ivids

My agent said I should use a pen name...

...so from now on I am calling myself Bic Parker.



Submitted March 29, 2017 at 08:22AM by madazzahatter

Classic mom joke

Growing up, my mom always tried to pull a fast one on us kids (I have an older sister and younger brother). She would tell me the my brother and sister has a bother that I didn't have. The first time I heard it I was a little worried about what was going on until she explained that it was me. She would also mix it up and say that my brother and I had a sister that my sister didn't have.



Submitted March 29, 2017 at 06:51AM by thegreatRobertsby

Here's a joke for all the mind readers out there...

No text found

Submitted March 28, 2017 at 09:52PM by madazzahatter

Two men are on a boat. They have three cigarettes, but nothing to light them with.

So they throw a cigarette overboard and the whole boat becomes a cigarette lighter.



Submitted March 28, 2017 at 11:20PM by DBZ_Ultimate

Unicorn



Submitted March 29, 2017 at 04:49AM by CGAMES002

I looked at my bank account and found I could live the rest of my life comfortably without working...

... as long as I die on Thursday.



Submitted March 28, 2017 at 11:55PM by Jumbobie

My mom asked me why I drew on my hands with red pen.

My dad said "he wanted his palms red!"



Submitted March 29, 2017 at 02:52AM by Sku11-K1d

Tuesday, March 28, 2017

Politicians are like sperm

only 1 in a million turn out to be human



Submitted March 28, 2017 at 09:31PM by Sledge_The_Operator

A dad and his son are watching the news when a story about gay marriage pops up.

the son asks, "dad, what does gay mean?"

the dad replies quickly, "gay means happy."

The son looks at him and asks him, "are you gay?"

"no son, i have a wife..."



Submitted March 28, 2017 at 08:26PM by I_R_Teh_Taco

Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn't want to waste time on things that don't matter.

He runs Facebook.



Submitted March 28, 2017 at 08:38PM by roflbaba

Here's a joke for all the mind readers out there...

No text found

Submitted March 28, 2017 at 09:51PM by madazzahatter

A man sees a sign outside a house - 'Talking Dog For Sale'

He rings the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back garden.

The man sees a very nice looking Labrador Retriever sitting there. "Do you really talk?" he asks the dog. "Yes," the Labrador replies.

After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk, the man asks, "So, tell me your story." The Labrador looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I was sold to the SAS. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one imagined that a dog would be eaves dropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years".

"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at Heathrow Airport to do some undercover security work, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded several medals".

"Then I got married, had a few puppies, and now I've just retired."

The man is amazed. He goes back into the house and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog.

"Ten quid," the owner says. "£10?! But your dog is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?"

"Because he's a lying bastard, he's never been out of the garden."



Submitted March 28, 2017 at 04:51PM by redditguybighead

You look like you have anime hair

Child #3 got out of the shower and didn't dry his hair properly so it was clumped together in an unusual way.

Child #1 pointed and said "You look like you have anime hair!"

So of course I had to ask, "Who is Anna Mayhair?"



Submitted March 28, 2017 at 09:23PM by iamonlyoneman

You ever studied abroad?

I have and I ended up marrying one



Submitted March 28, 2017 at 05:45PM by HellsBraingels

Dad, what's a good way to pickup women?

With your legs, don't wanna hurt your back.



Submitted March 28, 2017 at 08:49PM by imusingmyphone

What's the difference between tuna, a piano, and glue?

You can tuna piano, but you can't piano a tuna.



Submitted March 28, 2017 at 05:38PM by PIANO_IN_21_DAYS

To the guy in the wheelchair who stole my camouflage jacket:

You can hide, but you can't run.



Submitted March 28, 2017 at 01:59PM by Leonel_Nichols

My Girlfriend is sad that her dog died, so I went out and got her an identical dog

and she said "What the hell am I going to do with two dead dogs?"



Submitted March 28, 2017 at 04:24PM by Ioptk

What did the botanist say when they saw their colleague was studying maple tree reproduction?

"GASP! That's indehiscent!"



Submitted March 28, 2017 at 04:45PM by WhiskeysFault

$10,000/bullet Assassin

So there was this professional assassin that charged $10,000 per bullet.

A guy comes up to him in the bar one day and says, "Are you the guy who charges $10,000 a bullet?"

"Yup."

"What if you miss?"

He looks at the man, deadly serious. "I don't miss..."

"Okay, we'll I've got $20,000. I just found out my wife is having an affair with my best friend. They're at the motel together right now."

"Let's go," the assassin says.

So they drive to a store across the street from the motel and climb up on the roof. The assassin takes out his rifle and attaches the scope.

"They're in room 21. I want you to shoot her in the head, and I want you to blow his dick off."

The assassin looks through his scope. He keeps staring for several minutes, not taking the shot.

"Well? What are you waiting for!?" the husband asks.

"Hold on a minute. I think I can save you $10,000."



Submitted March 28, 2017 at 04:00PM by ilike121212

What do you get if mix a joke and a rhetorical question?

No text found

Submitted March 28, 2017 at 03:58PM by 1_Am_4_HuM4n

My 6 year old daughter dad-joked me.

Sitting in my comfy chair playing overwatch. She jumps on my head from behind.

I say(sort of mad), "what do you think you're doing"

She replies(cooly), "watching you play overwatch over you."

My kid is too cool for me,



Submitted March 28, 2017 at 03:37PM by The-1st-One

I'd like to tell an Ear, Nose, or mouth joke...

But eye jokes are so much cornea..



Submitted March 28, 2017 at 03:17PM by TedFlowsby

Where do duck farts come from?

Their buttquacks.



Submitted March 28, 2017 at 12:54PM by shooler

Who are the fastest readers in the world?

9/11 victims because they went through 104 stories in 7 seconds



Submitted March 28, 2017 at 11:13AM by moharamenoodlez

My horse almost died.

Thankfully she's now in a stable condition.



Submitted March 28, 2017 at 02:38PM by Staralyze

Magic tractor

Did you hear about the magic tractor?

It went up the road and turned into a field



Submitted March 28, 2017 at 09:24AM by neeno77

They finally had that meeting regarding daylight savings

It was about time



Submitted March 28, 2017 at 01:33PM by thorzyn

What do you call a dictator with one leg shorter than the other?

Musso-lean-i



Submitted March 28, 2017 at 01:12PM by thegreatRobertsby

"It says we just need to heat the oven"

How are we going to manage​ that? We're going to need another, even bigger oven!



Submitted March 28, 2017 at 01:01PM by Dodger944

It's not an optical illusion.

...It just looks like one.



Submitted March 28, 2017 at 01:03PM by nealgiebler

What do sex and pizza have in common?

It's not very good when you buy it from a gas station.



Submitted March 28, 2017 at 07:11AM by angrybeardguy

What do a pulse and an orgasm have in common?

I dont care if she has either.



Submitted March 28, 2017 at 09:14AM by kerev123

A priest has a heart attack, and is rushed to the hospital…

He wakes up as he's being rushed through the hospital on a gurney by two nurses.

"Am I in heaven?" asks the disoriented priest.

"No" says one of the nurses. "We're just taking a short cut through the children's ward."



Submitted March 28, 2017 at 10:06AM by madazzahatter

Did you hear about.....

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.



Submitted March 28, 2017 at 03:33AM by SaifUllah10712

What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals?

Phillipe Phillope



Submitted March 28, 2017 at 02:59AM by madazzahatter

I went in to a pet shop and said, “Can I buy a goldfish?”

The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”

I said, “I don’t care what star sign it is.”



Submitted March 28, 2017 at 01:44AM by madazzahatter

My friend told me he had the body

My friend told me he had the body of a Greek god. I had to explain to him that Buddha is not Greek.



Submitted March 28, 2017 at 12:04AM by SaifUllah10712

Why does Lex Luthor carry around a gun & a spoon wherever he goes??

In case he ever meets soup or man



Submitted March 27, 2017 at 05:50PM by TheFifthStep

What advice did the magician give to his students about coin tricks?

Show no quarter.



Submitted March 28, 2017 at 10:53AM by hpiavery

If I ate beans and you ate beans, how old would we be?

I'd be farty and you'd be farty too.



Submitted March 27, 2017 at 08:35PM by IHopeThisIsntARepost

The First Dad Joke

How do we know that there were nuclear weapons in Genesis?

Eve and the rest of Paradise was thoroughly Adamized.



Submitted March 28, 2017 at 10:55AM by RaulenAndrovius

After 4 karate classes…

I can now break a 2 inch board with my cast.



Submitted March 28, 2017 at 10:02AM by madazzahatter

Did you hear about the partially blind man who fell in a well?

He couldn't see that well.



Submitted March 27, 2017 at 11:33PM by Orsum_1

What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals?

Phillipe Phillope



Submitted March 28, 2017 at 03:00AM by madazzahatter

My Dad used to hit me with this one every chance he got. As a soon to be father, I cant wait to drive my own son nuts with this gold nugget.

on any unexpected car ride

Me: "Dad, where are we going?"

Dad: "Crazy. Want to come along?" looks over and laughs manically.

Me: "UUUUGGGGHHH



Submitted March 28, 2017 at 10:02AM by Wmdonovan23

This sub in a nutshell...



Submitted March 28, 2017 at 08:25AM by BummySugar

What's the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping Tom?

One snatches watches...



Submitted March 27, 2017 at 06:18PM by Cat_Daddy79

Why do Jewish men watch pornos backwards?

That way they can see the hooker give the money back.



Submitted March 27, 2017 at 09:47PM by tyler_fking_1

Girl about to jump of a bridge.....

A tough looking group of bikers were riding when they saw a girl about to jump off a bridge, so they stopped. The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, “What are you doing?”

“I’m going to commit suicide,” she says.

While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn’t want to miss an opportunity. He asked “Well, before you jump, why don’t you give me a blow job?” So, she does and it was a long, deep and slow blow job.

After she’s finished, the biker says, “Wow! That was the best blow job I have ever had. That’s a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous. Why are you committing suicide?”

“My parents don’t like me dressing up like a girl.....



Submitted March 27, 2017 at 03:26PM by MrPointless

Video games let you live out your wildest fantasies.

For example sims gives you the chance to have a stable job and a house.



Submitted March 28, 2017 at 02:58AM by Nozza2486

You can tell the sex of an ant by dropping it into a jug of water. If it sinks: girl ant....

If it floats: boy ant.



Submitted March 28, 2017 at 07:31AM by Joseph_Longworth

I could never cheat in a relationship

That would require 2 people to find me attractive



Submitted March 28, 2017 at 04:02AM by Schytherusedsurf

A lot of woman actually turn into good drivers

So if you're a good driver watch out.



Submitted March 28, 2017 at 06:09AM by Donald_Patterson

What is it called when you die and come back as a hillbilly?

Reintarnation



Submitted March 27, 2017 at 04:17PM by dgblarge

Maybe if we all emailed the Constitution to each other…

…the NSA will finally read it.



Submitted March 28, 2017 at 05:24AM by madazzahatter

Monday, March 27, 2017

The German dream

The teacher is talking about the American Dream in class and then asks the one German kid if they had a German dream. He responds, "We did, but nobody liked it."



Submitted March 27, 2017 at 12:20PM by NatoBall

My friend says he has the body of a Greek God...

I had to explain to him Buddha wasn't Greek



Submitted March 27, 2017 at 12:48PM by L4STMON4RCH

Gaston from Beauty and the Beast...

Winner of the No-Belle prize.



Submitted March 27, 2017 at 01:25PM by mykeuk

My dad ordered me a size large Packers shirt...

But I wear medium usually.

He said he was disappointed that I'm not as BIG of a Packers fan as he thought I was



Submitted March 27, 2017 at 12:40PM by Freddie__Hg

What do you call a dog with no legs?

Don't bother calling it, it won't come



Submitted March 27, 2017 at 10:39AM by The_Quantum_Moose

3 guys are hiking through the woods when they find a lamp

One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie. It booms "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes." The first guy immediately blurts out "I want a billion dollars." POOF, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact 1,000,000,003.50 The second man thinks for a bit, then says "I want to be the richest man alive." POOF, he's holding papers showing his net worth is now well over 100 billion. The third guy thinks even longer about his wish, then says "I want my left arm to rotate clockwise for the rest of my life." POOF, his arm starts rotating. The Genie tells them it's time for their second wish. First guy says: "I want to be married to the most beautiful woman on earth." POOF, a stunning beauty wraps herself around his arm. Second guy says "I want to be good-looking and charismatic, so I can have every girl I want." POOF, his looks change and the first guy's wife immediately starts flirting with him. Third guy says "I want my right arm to rotate counter-clockwise until I die." POOF, now both his arms are rotating, in opposite directions. The genie tells them to think very carefully about their third wish. First guy does, and after a while says "I never want to become sick or injured, I want to stay healthy until I die." POOF, his complexion improves, his acne is gone and his knees don't bother him any more. Second guy says "I never want to grow old. I want to stay 29 forever." POOF, he looks younger already. Third guy smiles triumphantly and says "My last wish is for my head to nod back and forth." POOF, he's now nodding his head and still flailing his arms around. The genie wishes them good luck, disappears, and the men soon go their separate ways. Many years later they meet again and chat about how things have been going. First guy is ecstatic: "I've invested the money and multiplied it many times over, so me and my family will be among the richest of the rich pretty much forever. My wife is a freak in the sheets, and I've never gotten so much as a cold in all these years." Second guy smiles and says "Well, I built charities worldwide with a fraction of my wealth, I'm still the richest guy alive and also revered for my good deeds. I haven't aged a day since we last met, and yes, your wife is pretty wild in bed." Third guy walks in, flailing his arms around and nodding his head, and says: "Guys, I think I fucked up."



Submitted March 27, 2017 at 12:06PM by BlattellaGermanica

Some joker lost his book logging all of his chocolate-covered English toffee bar purchases.

It was a Heath ledger.



Submitted March 27, 2017 at 12:11PM by scotch-o

*Creating password*

"SMTWTFS_SMTWTFS"

ERROR: [Password two week]



Submitted March 27, 2017 at 12:28PM by Adnan_Targaryen

Losing my virginity was much like learning how to ride a bike.

My dad had a firm grip on both my shoulders.



Submitted March 27, 2017 at 09:50AM by KitMencha

What do you call the dad of the Children of the Corn?

"pop" corn



Submitted March 27, 2017 at 01:00PM by SiLv3rrrr

What do you call a deer with no eyes?

No-eye-deer



Submitted March 27, 2017 at 01:12PM by KillsTrolls

Just witnessed this classic on the bus

Passenger: Which bus are you?

Driver: I'm not a bus, I'm the driver.



Submitted March 27, 2017 at 01:00PM by YourYam

I was so poor growing up, we only had a calendar to use as toilet paper…

Now those days are behind me…



Submitted March 27, 2017 at 06:02AM by madazzahatter

Communism jokes arnt funny

Unless everyone gets them



Submitted March 27, 2017 at 09:38AM by ZeonPeonTree

I bet no one will see this one coming!

You're adopted.



Submitted March 27, 2017 at 12:54PM by BanjoMike8585

What do you call an angry sandwich

A pissed-trami



Submitted March 27, 2017 at 10:43AM by Alkaiser27

Using Tinder when you're horny is like going food shopping when you're hungry.

Both lead to unintended obesity.



Submitted March 27, 2017 at 08:37AM by ProfCopperbottom

How do you catch a unique kookaburra?

U-nique up on him



Submitted March 27, 2017 at 10:02AM by ZeonPeonTree

Where does a dog go if he loses his tail?

The retail store



Submitted March 27, 2017 at 10:15AM by ZeonPeonTree

A man and woman had been married for 30 years.....

A man and woman had been married for 30 years, and in those 30 years, they always left the lights off when having sex. He was embarrassed and scared that he couldn't please her, so he always used a big dildo on her. All these years she had no clue. One day, she decided to reach over and flip the light switch on and saw that he was using a dildo. She said "I knew it, asshole, explain the dildo!"

He said, "Explain the kids!"



Submitted March 27, 2017 at 06:30AM by howa2

My friend said "I'm dead inside"...

I replied "Well I'm dad inside!"



Submitted March 27, 2017 at 05:42AM by Dieselman25

When every someone says their phone battery is low,

I tell them to hold it up higher.



Submitted March 27, 2017 at 08:44AM by pjx1

At first I didn't want a head transplant...

But then I changed my mind.



Submitted March 27, 2017 at 06:47AM by Fake_Person69

soft drink. Clean Jock

A man got hit in the head with a can of Coke, but he was alright because it was a soft drink.



Submitted March 27, 2017 at 08:56AM by SaifUllah10712

A guy thought his wife was cheating on him..

So he waited for her to leave that night and jumped in a cab to follow her. By following her he found out she was working in a whorehouse. The guy says to the cabbie, "Wanna make a $ 100?" The cabbie says, "Sure, what do I have to do?". The guy replied that all the cabbie has to do was go inside the whorehouse and grab his wife and put her in the back of the cab and take them home. So the cabbie goes in. A couple of minutes later the whore house gets kicked open, and the cabbie is dragging this woman out who is kicking, biting, punching, and fighting all the way to the cab. The cabbie opens the door to the cab, throws the girl inside, and tells the man, "Here hold her!!" The man looks down at the girl and says to the cabbie, "THIS AIN'T MY WIFE". The cabbie replied, "I KNOW, IT'S MINE; I'M GOING BACK IN FOR YOURS!!"



Submitted March 27, 2017 at 12:28AM by mother-load

Cannibals

There was an Italian, a Brit and an American who all got stuck on an island. When searching this island they ran into a local native population who happened to be cannibals. The cannibals captured them and said "here's how it goes. We're going to kill you, skin you and eat you. Then dry your hides and turn them into canoes. If you want to die in honor for your country you may choose your way of death and execute yourself." The Italian took a knife and yelled "Viva l'Italia" then slit his throat. The Brit took a knife and yelled "God save the queen" then slit his throat. The American asked for a fork. The cannibals were puzzled but brought him one. He then took the fork and started stabbing himself as he yelled "fuck your canoes"



Submitted March 27, 2017 at 02:03AM by eatshitanddie666

A beautiful women is standing on a bridge!!

A beautiful woman is standing on a bridge, looking over the side and thinking about jumping off.

A homeless man walks up to her.

She sees the man coming and says, "Go away! There's nothing you can say to change my mind!"

He says, "Well, if you're going to kill yourself anyway, why don't we have sex? At least I'll enjoy it."

"Absolutely not! You're disgusting!", she replies.

The man turns and starts walking away.

"Is that all you're going to say? You're not going to try to convince me that life is worth living? Where are you going?"

"I have to make it down to the bottom. If I hurry, you'll still be warm!", he says.



Submitted March 27, 2017 at 06:12AM by Gunnermal

During his physical, the doctor asked the patient about his daily activity level.

He described a typical day this way:

“Well, yesterday afternoon, I waded along the edge of a lake, drank eight beers, escaped from wild dogs in the heavy brush, jumped away from an aggressive rattlesnake, marched up and down several rocky hills, stood in a patch of poison ivy, crawled out of quicksand and took four leaks behind big trees.”

Inspired by the story, the doctor said,“You must be one hell of an outdoorsman!”

”NAH,” he replied, “I'm just a shitty golfer.”



Submitted March 26, 2017 at 10:39PM by phil_m99

What is a word and starts with w

That's correct



Submitted March 27, 2017 at 03:56AM by xMrTROLLIPOPx

Why should you never store meat on the top shelf of the freezer?

The steaks would be too high.



Submitted March 26, 2017 at 05:41PM by YouAreAllDumbButMe

It'd be great if I had a joke about a small mahogany bird...

Wooden tit



Submitted March 27, 2017 at 03:19AM by 26326312

Knock... knock...

Knock... knock...

Who's there?

Cows say.

Cows say who?

No, cows say moo.



Submitted March 27, 2017 at 01:13AM by StarshinaPavlova

The daughter that sees the future!

A father put his 3year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying, "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa."

The father asked, 'Why did you say good-bye Grandpa?'

The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."

The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence.

A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this, "God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and good-bye Grandma."

The next day the grandmother died.

"Holy crap" thought the father, "this kid is in contact with the other side."

Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say, "God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy."

He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office.

He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock.. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived; he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.

When he got home his wife said, "I've never seen you work so late. What's the matter?"

He said, "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."

She said, "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning my boss died in the middle of a meeting.



Submitted March 26, 2017 at 02:12PM by AdityaRav

I took a kleptomania exam.

It wasn't mine, but I took it anyway.



Submitted March 26, 2017 at 07:29PM by TommehBoi

[Dirty] A man and a woman meet in an elevator. "Where are you heading today?"

the man asks. "I'm going down to give blood." "How much do you get paid for giving blood?" "About $20." "Wow," says the man, "I'm going up to donate sperm, and the sperm bank pays $100." The woman angrily gets off the elevator. The next day, the man and woman meet in the elevator again. "Fancy meeting you again. Where you off to today?" "Sperm bank," she says with her mouth full.



Submitted March 26, 2017 at 06:00PM by notmeninblack

During sex, I suddenly stopped and didn't move.

She was like, "What are you doing?" And I was like, "Hush, I saw this on PornHub, it's called Buffering:"



Submitted March 26, 2017 at 05:47PM by notmeninblack

Sunday, March 26, 2017

I hear they are putting Donald Trump on the penny.

It's to help motivate us to phase them out over the next four years.



Submitted March 26, 2017 at 03:48PM by Kor_of_Memory

Why do Canadians always do it doggy-style?

So they can both watch the hockey game.



Submitted March 26, 2017 at 02:56PM by Uberrrr

A blonde woman was taking helicopter lessons.

A blonde woman was taking helicopter lessons. The instructor said:

"I'll radio you every 1,000 feet to see how you're doing."

At 1,000 feet, the instructor radioed her and said she was doing great. At 2,000 feet, he said she was still doing well.

Right before she got to 3,000 feet, the propeller stopped, and she twirled to the ground. The instructor ran to where she crashed and pulled her out of the helicopter. He asked her,

"What went wrong?"

The blonde said: "At 2,500 feet, I started to get cold, so I turned the big fan off."



Submitted March 26, 2017 at 01:37PM by TheCheeZZ

What would happen if there were no assholes?

We would be full of shit.



Submitted March 26, 2017 at 04:23PM by ilovemesometaters

Tom and Anna are both 60 years old and have been married for 40 years.

One day they go for a walk and all of a sudden a good fairy stands in front of them and says, “You’ve been married for so long and you’re so cute together, I’ll grant you a wish each.”

The woman is beside herself with joy and wishes for a trip to Thailand. Poof – she’s holding two tickets to Thailand and a five star hotel voucher for two.

The man says, “Wow, that’s one chance in a lifetime! I’m sorry, darling, but I wish I had a wife that’s 30 years younger than me.”

“Are you sure?” asks the fairy.

“Yes!” replies Tom without hesitation.

Poof once more – and he’s 90.



Submitted March 26, 2017 at 12:50PM by kitkatJulianna

Two immigrants from Africa arrive in the United States

Two immigrants from Africa arrive in the United States and are discussing the difference between their country and the U.S.

One of them mentions he's heard that people in the U.S. eat dogs, and if they're going to fit in, they better eat dogs as well. So they head to the nearest hot dog stand and order two 'dogs.'

The first guy unwraps his, looks at it, and nervously looks at his friend.

"Which part did you get



Submitted March 26, 2017 at 07:31AM by kitkatJulianna

In Russia you watch tv

In America tv watches you.



Submitted March 26, 2017 at 01:06PM by ethanbrecke

What do iPhones eat for breakfast?

Siri-al

(My 7 year old's joke)



Submitted March 26, 2017 at 09:13AM by spamaccoun1977

My friend told me I make him feel uncomfortable because I violate his personal space...

It was a very hurtful thing to say and completely ruined our bath.



Submitted March 26, 2017 at 10:11AM by elfupa96

I bet none of you will see this one coming

1



Submitted March 26, 2017 at 01:07PM by snowboard3r

What dinosaur has the best teeth?

A flossiraptor.



Submitted March 26, 2017 at 08:57AM by TommehBoi

Let's all take a moment to appreciate organ donors

It takes guts to do what they do.



Submitted March 26, 2017 at 12:59PM by JustAnotherMemeboi

Did you hear the one about the three-legged dog who walked into a bar?

He was "lookin' for the man who shot his paw."



Submitted March 26, 2017 at 01:00PM by vegtosterone

I was a server at Olive Garden

I asked this guy if we wanted "soup or salad?" He said he "yes! I want the super salad."



Submitted March 26, 2017 at 12:05PM by gumbystruck

I'm doing some data analysis reports for a non profit organization

Or in other words BI-NGO



Submitted March 26, 2017 at 10:23AM by BHappy317

You don't have to be a bad person to rub me the wrong way.

You just have to be a bad masseuse.



Submitted March 26, 2017 at 10:33AM by spruce_sprucerton

Whats the difference between in-laws and outlaws?

Outlaws are 'Wanted.'



Submitted March 26, 2017 at 10:04AM by PDXCharmander