Tuesday, February 28, 2017

Buying My First Condoms

I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. There was this beautiful woman assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, ‘No, this is my first time.’

So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store to see if it was empty. It was empty.

‘Just a minute,’ she said, and walked to the door, and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. ‘Do these excite you?’ She asked.

Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk.

‘Well, come on’, she said, ‘We don’t have much time.’ So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOWWWWWWWW, I was done within a few moments.

She looked at me with a bit of a frown. ‘Did you put that condom on?’ she asked.

I said, ‘I sure did,’ and held up my thumb to show her.

She fainted.”



Submitted February 28, 2017 at 10:44PM by Alexicon1

I farted in my wallet.

Now I have gas money.



Submitted February 28, 2017 at 10:18PM by DrunkAssBum

What was tigger doing in the bathroom ?

Looking for pooh



Submitted February 28, 2017 at 08:01PM by marcuccione

Dogs can't operate an MIR machine

But catscan.



Submitted February 28, 2017 at 10:05PM by _animalchin_

The word DEFINITELY...

One day in class, the teacher was teaching the kids the vocabulary word of the day.

"Ok class, the word for the day is definitely. Can anyone use it in a sentence?" she asked.

Straight A's Sally in the front row raises her hand and says, "The tree is definitely green."

"Sorry Sally," says the teacher "but since the tree has a brown trunk it is not definitely green. Anyone else?"

Timmy in the middle of the class raises his hand and says, "The sky is definitely blue."

"Sorry Timmy, but since there are clouds in the sky it can't be definitely blue. Anyone else?"

After a few minutes little Johnny in the back row raises his hand and says, "Is a fart wet?"

The teacher says, "Excuse me? What was that Johnny?"

Johnny replies, "Is a fart wet?"

"Well no." The teacher says.

To which Johnny replied, "Well then I definitely shit my pants."



Submitted February 28, 2017 at 06:54PM by patchy72

An engineer dies and is sent to hell

He's hot and miserable, so he decides to take action. The A/C has been busted for a long time, so he fixes it. Things cool down quickly. The moving walkway motor jammed, so he un-jams it. People can get from place to place more easily. The TV was grainy and unclear, so he fixes the connection to the Satellite dish and now they get hundreds of high def channels. One day, God decides to look down on Hell to see how his grand design is working out and notices that everyone is happy and enjoying umbrella drinks. He asks the Devil what's up? The Devil says, "Things are great down here since you sent us an engineer." "What?" says God. "An engineer? I didn't send you one of those. That must have been a mistake. Send him upstairs immediately." The Devil responds, "No way. We want to keep our engineer. We like him." God demands, "If you don't send him to me immediately, I'll sue!" The Devil laughs. "Where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"



Submitted February 28, 2017 at 09:20PM by watwat-656

I farted in my wallet.

Now I have gas money.



Submitted February 28, 2017 at 10:17PM by DrunkAssBum

How do you make a tissue dance?



Submitted February 28, 2017 at 08:05PM by marcuccione

I don't always tell dad jokes but when I do,

He laughs.



Submitted February 28, 2017 at 07:32PM by IAMBiSH

It's Ash Wednesday today. (Sorry i couldn't resist, and i live 1 day in advance due to timezone difference)



Submitted February 28, 2017 at 07:36PM by squeeworm

What do Grizzlies wear on their feet?

Nothing, they go bearfoot.



Submitted February 28, 2017 at 05:26PM by Bigfoothobbit

How do skeletons get high?

They use marrow-juana



Submitted February 28, 2017 at 05:50PM by hllspwn

"sometimes you just need a car ride to clear your head."

  • John. F. Kennedy


Submitted February 28, 2017 at 02:30PM by xXPoxieXx

I threw an Asian man down a flight of stairs.

It was Wong on so many levels



Submitted February 28, 2017 at 11:39AM by irvmarx

My pancake mix attacked me this evening

I got absolutely battered



Submitted February 28, 2017 at 03:15PM by idonnotknow

I told my kids we would watch the shortened version of Moana the other day.

Lessana!



Submitted February 28, 2017 at 01:43PM by Tonythomasson

Sunday Morning Sex

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."



Submitted February 28, 2017 at 11:48AM by Confuses_who_n_whom

A man goes into a job interview

A man goes into a job interview, and presents himself well. The employer is shocked at how professional he is, "Wow, you have an incredible resume, and present yourself fantastically, but you seem to be missing 5 years on this part of your resume. What happened there?"

The man replied "Oh that's when I went to Yale."

The employer is even more impressed. "That's great, you're hired!"

The man is super happy and says "Yay I got a yob!



Submitted February 28, 2017 at 09:49AM by bidoofman87

1 dollar for dirty joke

I was in Venice Beach in January and there was a homeless man with a sign that said “1 dollar for dirty joke.” Seemed like a good investment to me so I gladly handed over a dollar.

Homeless man: “Alright sir whats your name?

Me: “hingono”

Homeless man: “So hingono, there is black rooster alright? How many legs does that chicken have”

Me: “two?”

Homeless man: “Right, now how many wings this black rooster got?”

Me: “two?”

Homeless man: “Right, now how many eyes this black rooster got?”

Me: “two?”

Homeless man: “Right again, now there is this white cat walking around how many hairs are on that white cat?"

Me: “I don’t know? A lot?”

Homeless man: “Well hingono, why do you know so much about black cock and not enough about white pussy.”



Submitted February 28, 2017 at 09:57AM by hingono

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of coma...

...for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.

One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.

As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what?

You have been with me all through the bad times.

When I got fired, you were there to support me.

When my business failed, you were there.

When I got shot, you were by my side.

When we lost the house, you stayed right here.

When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?"

"What dear?" she asked gently, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

”I think you're bad luck."



Submitted February 28, 2017 at 10:54AM by kingkrruel

I called a suicide hotline in Iraq..

They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck.



Submitted February 28, 2017 at 11:46AM by Batman94ydoc

IPad

I was sitting with my 3 year old, who inadvertently managed to hit me in the eye with the corner of his iPad.

Wife: "well they don't call it an iPad for nothing."

Sigh.



Submitted February 28, 2017 at 11:01AM by djryanj

Anytime I get someone a gift card as a birthday present.

I tell them it's a lot of money and to not spend it all in one place



Submitted February 28, 2017 at 04:48PM by Burnstuff007

What do you call a judge with no fingers?

Justice Thumbs



Submitted February 28, 2017 at 12:26PM by mykeuk

I decorated where my horse sleeps in the barn.

It's pretty stable.



Submitted February 28, 2017 at 10:53AM by poohonhead

Paleontology jokes are so outdated...

No text found

Submitted February 28, 2017 at 12:40PM by backoffhomie

I was walking my dog yesterday..

A man stopped to pat her. I told him "listen, my dog knows how to whistle! " after a minute, the guy said to me, "I can't hear anything", "yes that's because humans can't hear a dog whistle".



Submitted February 28, 2017 at 06:08AM by ozbewgz

Whenever I’m sad I just read my blood donor ID.

It always says “B positive”.



Submitted February 28, 2017 at 03:35AM by Fozzieboy

What did the knife say when it solved the math problem?

"I'm so cleaver"



Submitted February 28, 2017 at 07:49AM by fwmcginnis

When we went out to eat at an Indian restaurant, one of my friends forgot to order flatbread with his meal.

It was a real Naan-bo.



Submitted February 28, 2017 at 10:06AM by westcoasthorus

Don't mind me, I'm just reposting



Submitted February 28, 2017 at 10:15AM by skepachino

Give a man a plane ticket and he will fly for a day...

Push him out of the plane and he will fly for the rest of his life.



Submitted February 28, 2017 at 07:56AM by myloosechange

What does a church in Helsinki have in common with Mortal Kombat?

Finnish Hymn!!



Submitted February 28, 2017 at 08:48AM by gamotosou

In the beginning there was nothing. God said "Let there be light!"

There was still nothing, but now you could see it.



Submitted February 28, 2017 at 07:38AM by bachiavelli

A wife gets naked...

…and asks her husband, 'What turns you on more! my pretty face or my sexy body?'

Husband looks her up and down for a moment and replies, 'Your sense of humor.'



Submitted February 28, 2017 at 04:24AM by ItsFroce

That's a nice ham you got there

It would be a shame if someone put an "s" in front of it and an "e" behind it



Submitted February 28, 2017 at 04:20AM by tbsgrave

Me - "flashlight under chin" They say a witch cursed this house 100 years ago.

(100 years ago) Witch - Fuck this house.



Submitted February 28, 2017 at 06:46AM by dalduzza

What do you call a man with no shins?

Tony



Submitted February 28, 2017 at 05:08AM by Algernon21

My girlfriend screamed at me today. "You weren't even listening to me just now, were you?"

I thought, man, what a weird way to start a conversation.



Submitted February 27, 2017 at 11:16PM by Rosdos

Blonde Co-Pilot

This is a true story of a poor ditzy blond flying in a two-seater airplane with just the pilot.

The pilot has a heart attack and dies. She, frantic,calls out a May Day.

"May Day! May Day! Help Me! Help Me! My pilot had a heart attack and is dead and I don't know how to fly. Help Me! Please Help Me!"

She hears a voice over the radio saying:

"This is Air Traffic Control and I have you loud and clear. I will talk you through this and get you back on the ground. I've had a lot of experience with this kind of problem. Now, just take a deep breath. Everything will be fine! Now give me your height and position!"

She says, "I'm 5'4 and i'm in the front seat."

(pause)

"O.K." says the voice in the radio....... "Repeat after me: Our father who art in heaven........"



Submitted February 28, 2017 at 12:00AM by Larup

A lot of people tell me when they drink coffee they can't sleep…

I have the same problem, but the other way around…when I sleep I can't drink coffee.



Submitted February 28, 2017 at 04:03AM by madazzahatter

Pancake day really crepe'd up on me this year.

I hope this joke doesn't fall flat.



Submitted February 28, 2017 at 03:59AM by photoframes

When I see stars I think of you...

Because you're only beautiful from a distance.



Submitted February 27, 2017 at 08:40PM by Petrol_Head_4

Monday, February 27, 2017

I failed a sculpting class.

It was a total bust.



Submitted February 27, 2017 at 10:34PM by Maskedeee

Dropped my phone in a load of mayo

What the Hellmann



Submitted February 27, 2017 at 09:44PM by tanveerrrr

How do you confuse a feminist

Tell her you won't let her make a sandwich for you because she is female



Submitted February 27, 2017 at 07:52PM by jsga

I’ve got a great joke about a pizza.

But I can’t tell you. It’s too cheesy!



Submitted February 27, 2017 at 07:00PM by chrisman17

Whoever invented these had a lot of time on their hands



Submitted February 27, 2017 at 10:49PM by waterboatman

What rock group has four men that don't sing?

Mount Rushmore.



Submitted February 27, 2017 at 09:27PM by pm_me_your_tele_pics

Hear they’ve made a new artificially intelligent Oreo?

It's one smart cookie.



Submitted February 27, 2017 at 09:49PM by Bigfoothobbit

What's Bill Withers' favorite day of the week?

Lovely Day.



Submitted February 27, 2017 at 09:23PM by Bonanza86

The committee came up with a new method to weed out the racists

The committee decided to kick all of the racist people out of its board. So they gathered all the members to a meeting and they presented them a slew of racist jokes. Any member who was caught smiling or laughing was deemed racist and were expelled from the group.

As the jokes got more and more racist, more people can't hold back their laughter. The hall began to empty, until there was only one man left.

"Sir, I'm glad to say you were the only one who didn't laugh at the racist jokes," the chairman said.

"Jokes?", the man said. "I thought they were facts."



Submitted February 27, 2017 at 02:14PM by TrulyStupidNewb

My husband just put a level on my head...

And said I'm not very level headed.



Submitted February 27, 2017 at 08:27PM by puppersnuffs

So my boss got me today

Boss was doing an audit day with me today and another of my coworkers dropped in a little after lunch. She was talking about being bored and how time was going so slow and my boss throws this one at us:

Boss - Yeah when I was younger I had a job where I got paid to stare at a clock...

Me - Nice! Sounds like a good gig.

B- Yeah, I worked in a clock factory

M - facepalm



Submitted February 27, 2017 at 06:11PM by natmor

Set your alarm for school.

My girlfriend told her 8 year old son that its bedtime and to set his alarm for school. His very serious response "I can't do that, my alarm doesn't have letters."

I've been in tears for 10 minutes now!! He may make a good dad in the future!



Submitted February 27, 2017 at 08:20PM by schmeerdawg

Bought a dog from a blacksmith this morning...

Within 10 minutes of getting home he'd made a bolt for the door.



Submitted February 27, 2017 at 07:28PM by Fartscissors

I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig.

Now, it's not a very beautiful poem. But it is quite deep.



Submitted February 27, 2017 at 10:33AM by LordBran

A teacher told her first grade class, "A single dolphin can have two hundred off-spring!"

A little girl gasped, "How about the married ones?"



Submitted February 27, 2017 at 04:30PM by rrsafety

Have you ever danced with the devil in the pale La La Land?

Edit: *Moonlight. My bad.



Submitted February 27, 2017 at 02:11PM by TheKingofBananas

What did the egg say to the clown?

You crack me up!



Submitted February 27, 2017 at 04:35PM by jcas120

Debate

Note: MY19 = My 19 year old


Me - Mum and I are going out.

MY19 - what am I going to do?

Me - You can debate with a lot of people.

MY19 - What?

Me - Mass debate.



Submitted February 27, 2017 at 04:08PM by FeelsLikeForever

A man decides to go to a safari.

He took his faithful dog along for company. One day the dog starts chasing butterflies and before long the dog discovers that he is lost. So, wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch.

The dog thinks, "Oh boy, I'm in deep stuff now." Then he notices some bones lying nearby on the ground and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.

Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dog exclaims loudly, "That was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-stride, and slinks away into the trees. "Whew", says the leopard. "That was close. That dog nearly had me."

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard.

So off he goes. But the dog sees him heading off after the leopard and figures that something is amiss. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans about the dog's ruse and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Hop on my back, monkey, and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine. "Now the dog sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks, "Oh boy, it looks like I've really had it now."

But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to the leopard and the monkey and pretends that he hasn't seen them. And just when they get close enough to hear him, the dog says... "Where is that monkey? .. I sent him off an hour ago to get me another leopard and he's still not back."



Submitted February 27, 2017 at 11:37AM by Banaqa

I greeted the mailman at the door naked

He freaked out. Not so much because of my appearance, more because I knew where here lived.



Submitted February 27, 2017 at 09:52AM by guessishouldjoin

I think we all know the REAL cause of global warming is kids leaving their front doors opening, making their fathers heat the whole neighborhood.

No text found

Submitted February 27, 2017 at 02:26PM by rdwikoff

Did you know about the Ironing man?

His name is Tony Starch.



Submitted February 27, 2017 at 06:20AM by lolpan

I was reading an article on how men could be the victims of domestic abuse

I was starting to believe this crap, but thankfully, my wife came in and slapped me back to my senses. That's the last time I'm reading men's rights propaganda.



Submitted February 27, 2017 at 09:30AM by TrulyStupidNewb

My wife told me women are better at multitasking than men.

So I told her to sit down and shut up.

Guess what...

She couldn't do either!



Submitted February 27, 2017 at 12:28PM by bablub048

Trainspotting

A little background is needed for this joke. My friend lives in a house that is right beside a busy railway and it was his Dad who came out with this zinger.

My friend was leaving the house one Friday evening. His father asked him where he was going. My friend told him he was going to the cinema to see Trainspotting 2. His dad then replied "Why would you pay to go and see trainspotting in the cinema when you can stay at home and look out the back window"



Submitted February 27, 2017 at 10:35AM by KingoftheNorthCounty

Why did the farmer feel better when he left his gate open?

He didn't want to have a cow



Submitted February 27, 2017 at 12:07PM by Higgz

I bought my dad a pair of socks depicting the Norse god from The Avengers...

He refuses to wear them in case they give him Thor feet.



Submitted February 27, 2017 at 11:22AM by Martlead

A man walks into a bar, goes up to the bartender, and asks her to make him a giraffe.

Taken aback, she replied, "Well, that's a tall order!"



Submitted February 27, 2017 at 11:31AM by nemo_sum

For a very long time, I would just make the same italian cuisine over and over again...

But eventually my wife told me to stop with the copypasta.



Submitted February 27, 2017 at 11:31AM by C0NSTABEL

I have CDO...

It's like OCD but all the letters are in alphabetical order...as they should be.



Submitted February 27, 2017 at 09:03AM by madazzahatter

Why do programmers struggle with girls?

They tend to objectify them.

I'll see myself out



Submitted February 27, 2017 at 05:18AM by Krabo

I booked a ticket on a plane that supposedly travels back in time.

I'm waiting at gate B4.



Submitted February 27, 2017 at 07:34AM by Jon-Osterman

A juggler, driving to his next performance...

Stopped by the police.

"What are these matches and lighter fluid doing in your car?" asks the cop.

"I'm a juggler and I juggle flaming torches in my act."

"Oh yeah?" says the doubtful cop. "Lets see you do it." The juggler gets out and starts juggling the blazing torches masterfully.

A couple driving by slows down to watch. "Wow," says the driver to his wife. "I'm glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they're giving now!"



Submitted February 27, 2017 at 03:13AM by alpha128

A man is sitting on a bench in the park reading a newspaper. Suddenly he throws the paper onto the ground and yells,

“All politicians are assholes.”

A man sitting next to him in a finely pressed suit says, “I take offense to that!”

The pissed-off guy asks him, “Why? Are you a politician?”

“No,” he replies, “I’m an asshole.”



Submitted February 27, 2017 at 06:15AM by Karpukoly

How many ears does Captain Kirk have?

Three. A left ear, a right ear and a final front ear.



Submitted February 27, 2017 at 01:36AM by Comandatuba

I tried to sue the airport for losing my luggage.

I lost my case.



Submitted February 27, 2017 at 05:43AM by OLJOAT

Anyone know why my post was removed?



Submitted February 27, 2017 at 06:49AM by PhantasmagoricWorld

I thought Friday was a sad day...

Turns out the next day was a sadder day.



Submitted February 26, 2017 at 10:10PM by ArceusTheWise

Sunday, February 26, 2017

La La Land wins Oscar in Best Picture

But Moonlight won the popular vote



Submitted February 27, 2017 at 12:35AM by KeybladeSpree

"Hello everyone, welcome to Plastic Surgery Addicts Anonymous."

"I see a lot of new faces here tonight, and I have to say I'm pretty disappointed."



Submitted February 26, 2017 at 08:06PM by doonkune

A Nazgûl walks into a bar...

The barman says: 'I'm sorry, we don't serve your kind in here.' The Nazgûl replies: 'That's Wraithist.'



Submitted February 26, 2017 at 04:25PM by wafflesaremilk

Appolcolypse

A zombie apocalypse had enveloped the earth. 99.9% of the world’s population had been annihilated and Carl, lone survivor, was venturing the land looking for somewhere to take shelter.

One day, he came across a prison. The place was full of people armed with swords, spears, axes and all kinds of hand held weaponry. The settlers took him in and after a while he finally felt safe.

One night, they heard loud groans start to surround the place. Zombies had broken in and after a few minutes had overrun the prison. The settlers did all they could but their weapons just weren’t up to the task and everyone was killed, apart from our lone survivor, Carl, who escaped as the last few were eaten alive.

Stumbling through the night, with zombies close behind in trail, Carl discovered a huge shopping mall. The settlers let him inside. They were armed to the teeth with a huge arsenal of Pistols, assault rifles, military grade weapons, the lot.

Carl warned them that there was a pack of zombies following him, but when they looked hundreds had gathered behind Carl and were now headed straight for the mall. The settlers fired every weapon they had at them, but wave after wave of zombies ploughed on through the wall of bullets and the settlers of the shopping mall were slaughtered. All apart from our lone survivor, Carl, who eluded death once again.

He ventured into a deep dark wood, stumbling over fallen foliage, with an Armageddon of zombies behind him, he ran into a huge set off wooden gates. As he got closer he saw a chicken dressed in military fatigues. The chicken scratched its feet on the floor, clicked three times and pecked on the wooden gates. They opened with an enormous “Creeeeek”. Inside was a farm, one farmer and his wife, who greeted him inside happily.

He gave them warning that there were hundreds of zombies chasing him, maybe even thousands by now, but they didn’t seem bothered at all. “Shouldn’t we do something? Haven’t you even got any weapons at all” Carl shouted...

“No”, said the farmer.

“The chicken will deal with them” said his wife.

Carl was ominous, but he was fed up of running and wanted to see what this chicken could do, so he watched in anticipation...

The Zombies approached, and one by one the chicken took them down. It pecked through their zombie brains, scratched off their heads and kicked the living dead crap out of thousands of them.

Amazed, Carl said, “I’ve just seen that group of zombies tear through two settlements, both armed to the teeth with an incredible arsenal of weapons, and your chicken has just taken all of them all out single handed, how? how did that just happen!?”

Well, said the settler, you see we figured it out a long time ago, we don’t need weapons at all, for The hen is mightier than the hoard.”

...

Well I just wrote that joke today, hope it didn't suck. I'd appreciate any constructive feedback from you guys if you have the time. Thanks all :)



Submitted February 26, 2017 at 04:04PM by mrbadassmotherfucker

Is it possible to stop a grenade from exploding by putting the pin back in?

I need a quick answer to this question



Submitted February 26, 2017 at 12:02PM by Mad_Cyantist

My marriage is over.

I loved my wife Lorraine in the beginning, but for the longest time I've had a crush on my friend Claire-Lee Robins, who I know feels the same way about me. Eventually Lorraine found out about my secretive feelings, and just like that, she packed her bags and left.

I do feel bad about it all. But then I realised; I can see Claire-Lee now Lorraine has gone.



Submitted February 26, 2017 at 04:01PM by miniBeast_Ben

A boy wants to ask a girl to prom, and he really likes her so he goes all out...

He goes to the florist to buy some flowers, but the line is out the door. He thinks, "that's okay, she's worth it," and waits an hour in the flower line.

Next he goes to the candy store to get some really nice chocolates and again, the line is absurdly long. Again he thinks, "that's okay, I'll wait," and waits an hour in the chocolate line.

He goes to a limo agency to book a limo for prom night, but they are having a sale so many engaged couples have lined up to book a limo. But the line is shorter than the candy store line and the boy thinks, "well, if I waited in that line, I can wait in this one, too." He waits half an hour in the limo line.

After that he goes to buy the tickets to prom. Everyone else is buying tickets too, but he doesn't want them to run out so he has to wait over an hour in the ticket line.

Finally he has everything he needs, so she asks the girl and she says yes.

The night of prom they get in the limo and drive to the venue. The event isn't very well coordinated so traffic is atrocious, and they wait for what seems like forever in a stand-still traffic line.

Finally, they get out of the limo and stand in line to get into the prom. It's a big school, so they wait for the better part of 45 minutes in the entry line.

When they eventually make it inside, the boy and girl start dancing. They're both having a great time, but the girl gets thirsty so the boy offers to get her some punch.

He goes to the drink table and there's no punch line.



Submitted February 26, 2017 at 12:58PM by nyxiegirl

How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two. One to beat the room for being black and one to arrest the bulb for being broke.



Submitted February 26, 2017 at 12:27PM by Parkatr0n

Why couldn't the lifeguard save the hippie from drowning?

He was too far out, man.

[xpost from r/AskReddit]



Submitted February 26, 2017 at 02:37PM by Enzo595

I used to be in a band called 1023mb

we couldn't get a gig anywhere



Submitted February 26, 2017 at 04:12PM by akjohnston87

What did the scarf say to the hat?

You go on ahead; I'm gonna hang around.



Submitted February 26, 2017 at 02:17PM by Blinkle

A boy and his father are in an argument

Father: "I've had enough of this! Go to your room and don't come back out until you've thought long and hard about what you've done"

Son: "Fine, I didn't want to be here anyways"

Son: Stomps up stairs

Son: Walks into his room, gently closes the door

Son: "Jim Morrison sucks!"

Father: "What did I tell you about slamming The Doors!?"



Submitted February 26, 2017 at 07:24AM by TongsOfDestiny

A kinky passenger grinningly exposed himself to a stewardess as he boarded the plane.

"I'm sorry," said the woman, "but you'll have to show me your ticket, not your stub."



Submitted February 26, 2017 at 10:23AM by Baraxton

You need more than a paradigm shift to make change.

You also need three quarters and a nickel.



Submitted February 26, 2017 at 09:02AM by BHappy317

Why did the neuron buy the other neuron chocolates, flowers, and expensive jewelry?

Because he wanted to increase his action potential.



Submitted February 26, 2017 at 12:56PM by smday55

What is a dinosaurs least favorite reindeer?

Comet



Submitted February 26, 2017 at 01:26PM by Wolverine_007

I have a friend that was frozen to absolute zero once...

He was 0K



Submitted February 26, 2017 at 12:41PM by dsowders

Why did the partially blind man fall down a well?

He couldn't see that well



Submitted February 26, 2017 at 12:41PM by jsga

What's the safest way to get away with murder?

Don't get caught stealing crows!!



Submitted February 26, 2017 at 12:55PM by KarockGrok

Dark Humor is like food

Not everyone gets it



Submitted February 26, 2017 at 11:37AM by dfj3xxx

A woman walks into a pet store..

She sees a beautiful parrot with a sign on its cage: $10 OBO The lady asks the pet shop owner, "Why so cheap?" The owner says "This bird used to live in a brothel, so he says a lot of inappropriate things." The lady can't pass up the deal and decides to get the bird anyway. She gets the bird home and the first thing the bird says is "Finally cleaned up this dump, and the new madam isn't bad looking." The lady finds it amusing. Her two teen daughters get home and the bird says "New whores in the house, business will be booming tonight." The girls are shocked but laugh it off. A few hours later the woman's husband gets home and the bird says "Hey Jim."



Submitted February 26, 2017 at 09:26AM by shaisheep

Hey girl,

Are you a Prius? Because you're giving me no sound or indication you're turned on right now.



Submitted February 25, 2017 at 10:43PM by Goof_tv

The Priests Question

The priest in a small Irish village loved the rooster and ten hens he kept in the hen house behind the church. One Sunday morning, before mass, he went to feed the birds and discovered that the cock was missing. He knew about cock fights in the village, so he questioned his parishioners in church. During mass, he asked the congregation, ‘Has anybody got a cock?

All the men stood up.

‘No, no,’ he said, ‘that wasn’t what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?’

All the women stood up.

‘No, no,’ he said, ‘that wasn’t what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn’ t belong to them?’

Half the women stood up.

‘No, no,’ he said, ‘that wasn’t what I meant. Has anybody seen MY cock?’

Sixteen altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up. The priest fainted.



Submitted February 26, 2017 at 05:33AM by IrishRoller

A man sits down at a restraunt

The waiter walks over and gives him a glass of water.

The man, being dreadfully thirsty, drinks it all in one gulp. He them calls out to the waiter for another

"Excuse me for the trouble, but I'm terribly thirsty. Could I have another glass of water?"

The waiter returns and refills his glass. He turns away to serve another table, when a small cough comes from behind him.

"I'm so awfully sorry, but could I get another refill?"

The waiter of course obliges, and turns to wait the next table, when the same thing happens again.

Frustrated by the man, the waiter walks up and tells him

"Take a pitcher, it will last longer."



Submitted February 26, 2017 at 08:00AM by Continuum_Gaming

What does the sign on an out-of-business brothel say?

Beat it. We’re closed.



Submitted February 26, 2017 at 08:40AM by Lasxacho

What are the strongest days of the week?

Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays.



Submitted February 26, 2017 at 08:35AM by Theaisyah

Hey r/dadjokes what's up?

The ceiling.



Submitted February 26, 2017 at 08:28AM by jman_7

My wife demanded i stop singing that Oasis song.

I said, "Hey now!"



Submitted February 26, 2017 at 09:41AM by Ganders81

My name is hugh

HughMungus



Submitted February 26, 2017 at 09:47AM by 7Break7

Wanna know what the benefit of mirrorles cameras is?

You can finally take pictures of vampires



Submitted February 26, 2017 at 07:49AM by raahvaili

"It's a boy!" I shouted tears rolling down my face "I don't believe it. A boy!"

Its at that moment I decided I'd never visit Thailand again.



Submitted February 25, 2017 at 10:39PM by Magookas

Little Johnny came to class all beat up...

Teacher: What's wrong?

Johnny: Our house is very small, me, my mum and my dad, all sleep in the same bed. Every night my dad asks if I'm sleeping, I say "No" then he slaps my face & gives me a black eye.

Teacher: tonight when your dad asks, keep dead quiet, don't answer.

The following morning Johnny's teacher sees him with a severe swelling on his face.

Teacher: My goodness! Why the swelling?

Johnny: Dad asked me again me if I was sleeping. I shut up and kept dead still. Then my dad & mom start moving, mom was breathing heavy, kicking her legs up an making noises.

Then my dad asked my mom, "Are you coming?"

Mom said, "Yes, I'm coming, are you coming too?"

Dad answered "Yes"

They don't usually go anywhere without me so I said "Wait for me, I'm coming too."



Submitted February 26, 2017 at 06:12AM by rdx711

Why do French people eat snails?

Because they don't like fast food.



Submitted February 26, 2017 at 12:31AM by ChinNeck

Starry nights are so underrated

Everybody's sleepin on them



Submitted February 26, 2017 at 01:46AM by 2222lil

2 reasons why I don't give money to homeless people.

  1. They need money for drugs
  2. I need money for drugs


Submitted February 25, 2017 at 11:44PM by alphasteak

What will the secret service yell when something is hurtling towards the president?

Donald duck!



Submitted February 26, 2017 at 12:04AM by PmMeYourFists

What does Chris Brown call a group of his ex-girlfriends?

The punch line



Submitted February 25, 2017 at 09:19PM by taxidermic

Saturday, February 25, 2017

People should really be more disappointed in gravity

It lets everyone down.



Submitted February 26, 2017 at 01:23AM by OTL__

Is "Africa" by Toto a country song?

No, it's a continent song.



Submitted February 26, 2017 at 12:31AM by nicholas_caged

Catholic

Three old Catholic men and one old Catholic woman were sitting a a table one morning. The first old man said, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room people say Father." The second old man said, "My son is a Bishop, when he walks into a room people say Your Eminence." Third old man says, my son is the Pope, when he walks into a room people say Your Holiness." The old woman says,"My daughter has a 42 inch chest and a 24 inch waist, when she walks into a room people say 'JESUS'."



Submitted February 25, 2017 at 04:41PM by dial7rob

Why can't Chinese people have white babies?

Because two Wongs don't make a white



Submitted February 25, 2017 at 06:27PM by Fozzieboy

Dad dropped this one on us the other morning



Submitted February 25, 2017 at 10:37PM by greetthemind

The only difference between a one-liner joke and a dad joke is

apparent



Submitted February 25, 2017 at 05:17PM by Turkitage

What do you notice first about a lady ghost

Her boooooooobs



Submitted February 25, 2017 at 09:00PM by Bennydhee

I asked the librarian for a book about Pavlov's dog and Schroedinger's cat.

She said it rang a bell, but she wasn't sure if it was there or not.



Submitted February 25, 2017 at 04:35PM by swiftversion3

Went to the store to find some margarine

Was disappointed I've seen butter



Submitted February 25, 2017 at 09:23PM by LettersInAlphabet

How does Harry Potter get down a hill?

By walking.

J.K. Rowling



Submitted February 25, 2017 at 07:05PM by Too_Square

Two police officers crash their car into a tree.

After a moment of silence, one of them says, “Wow, that’s got to be the fastest we ever got to the accident site.”



Submitted February 25, 2017 at 11:54AM by sup_its_a_purple

My girlfriend invited me to her house.

My girlfriend invited me to her house where I found her sister alone. So I sat there waiting for my girlfriend while her unbelievable sexy sister was sitting next to me. A few moments later she whispered to me 'we should have sex while my sister isn't home. I immediately got up and turned around to head back to my car. I found my girlfriend standing by the door, she hugged me and said 'you've won my trust'.
Moral of the story: Always keep your condoms in your car



Submitted February 25, 2017 at 02:22PM by NeoPixalite

A farmer buys a young cock.

As soon as he gets it home, it fucks all the farmers 150 hens. The farmer is impressed. At lunch the cock again screws all 150 hens. The next day, its fucking the ducks and the geese too.

Sadly, later in the day he finds the cock lying on the ground half dead and vultures circling overhead. The farmer says, "you deserved it, you horny bastard!" The cock opens one eye, points up and says, "sshhhh. They're about to land!!"



Submitted February 25, 2017 at 03:03PM by AppleDrops

Just wanted to share my favorite dad joke

Dad: what do you have there? Son: soy milk Dad: Hola, Milk! Soy tu padre!



Submitted February 25, 2017 at 07:25PM by thatshit_Crey

Why do chicken coops only have two doors?

Because if they had four, they would be chicken sedans!



Submitted February 25, 2017 at 06:55PM by The__Axe

Why was the Englishman taking pictures of his money?

Because the camera adds ten pounds.



Submitted February 25, 2017 at 06:00PM by FreemanForever

Why can't humans hear a dog whistle?

Because dogs can't whistle



Submitted February 25, 2017 at 05:01PM by Alphabet-

Out dading a dad.

I just turned extremely cold again and my dad was talking about covering up some strawberries to protect them. My response.

"It's a good thing we have a bail (of straw) otherwise we'd have to use blankets. Then they would just be blanket berries..."



Submitted February 25, 2017 at 04:17PM by HunterForce

When I get bored and restless, I go out and catch escaped dogs.

I guess you could say I get cur-strays-ey.



Submitted February 25, 2017 at 04:02PM by blazemongr

I like my beer how I like my violence

Domestic.



Submitted February 25, 2017 at 10:08AM by Cheif_Givesnofucks

Two NSA agents walk into a bar.

The bartender says, "Hello gentlemen, first time here?"

The agents reply, "Yes it is."

The bartender says, "Great! Would you like to hear our specials?"

The agents go, "No need, we heard them earlier."



Submitted February 25, 2017 at 02:32PM by nowwhatlol

What's the hardest part about hearing your sister has AIDS?

Acting surprised



Submitted February 25, 2017 at 07:31AM by carkyshark

Tell a man a joke, he will laugh for a day

Tell a redditor a joke, he will repost it for a lifetime



Submitted February 25, 2017 at 10:30AM by Utkar22

My girlfriend is so smart!

I forgot to bring my phone, so I used my friend's phone to call her.

She answered: "What's up, honey?"

What a smart girl! She knew I was the one on the phone!



Submitted February 25, 2017 at 10:10AM by casd82

Son : Mom, Dad... I'm gay.

Dad : Raising his right hand
Mom : No , don't you dare!
Dad : Sweating profusely
Mom : Don't do it!
Dad : waves at son Hi gay , Im Dad.
Son : No Dad, I'm serious!
Dad : You're serious? I thought you were gay!
Son : I'm not serious!
Dad and Mom : Good.



Submitted February 25, 2017 at 04:47AM by sandstone7

"Hey son, what has 4 legs and doesn’t breathe?”

“You’re not fooling me dad, a chair!”

“Not this time, your dog died.”



Submitted February 25, 2017 at 07:31AM by PaytheDevil

Why do all track stars seem to know each other?

Because they run in the same circles.



Submitted February 25, 2017 at 08:53AM by MacaroniPterodactyl

My dad and I were out for steak last night when the manager came around and asked "How did you find your steak?"

Dad goes, "I just moved the potato and there it was!"



Submitted February 25, 2017 at 08:57AM by blueholeload

One of my family members is really against heartburn

Her name is Aunt Acid.



Submitted February 25, 2017 at 07:21AM by Lawlish

Give a man......

Give a man a plane ticket and he'll fly for a day.

Push a man out of a plane and he'll fly for the rest of his life.



Submitted February 25, 2017 at 05:31AM by Jagga-Tech

A CNN reporter walks into a White House press meeting

[removed]



Submitted February 25, 2017 at 02:50AM by strange_sea_voyager

A wife is like a hand grenade ...

.. remove the ring and half your house is gone



Submitted February 25, 2017 at 12:08AM by The_Wolf_Lord

Why can't Harry potter tell the difference between his cooking pot and his best friend?

Because they're both cauldron



Submitted February 25, 2017 at 04:38AM by iaxeuanswer

North Korea will send man to Sun in 10 years

Kim Jong-un announced in a news conference that North Korea would be sending a man to the sun within ten years!

A reporter said - "But the sun is very hot. How can your man land on the sun?"

There was a stunned silence. Nobody knew how to react.

Then Kim Jong-un quietly answered "We will land at night".

The entire audience broke out in thunderous applause !

Back in the White House, Donald Trump and his entourage were watching the news conference on TV.

When Trump heard what Kim had said, he sneered - "What an idiot. There is no sun at night time !"

Now, his cabinet broke up in thunderous applause !!



Submitted February 25, 2017 at 01:45AM by boob_me_y0ur_PM

So much negativity these days, here's a little joke for you.

joke



Submitted February 25, 2017 at 05:56AM by ValWenis

Is that an inhaler in your pants?

'Cause you got that ass ma



Submitted February 24, 2017 at 07:56PM by booradleyhd

What do you call a homosexual Russian knight

Sergei



Submitted February 25, 2017 at 01:06AM by Psylent0

A kung fu student asks the teacher:

"Master, why does not my ability evolve and I'm always defeated?"
And the master, pensive, with all his patience answers:
"My dear pupil, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun, and their wings seem like flames?"
"Yes, my master, I have."
"And a waterfall, spilling mightly over the stones but without taking anything out of its proper place?"
"Yes, my master, I have already witnessed it."
"Then the moon .. when it touches the calm water reflecting all its enormous beauty?"
"Yes, my master, I have also observed this marvelous phenomenon."
"That is the problem. You keep watching all this shit instead of training."



Submitted February 24, 2017 at 05:00PM by cut_the_chatter_red2

Who were the first people to get six packs?

The Ab-originals



Submitted February 24, 2017 at 11:07PM by DrSnikerFreak

Why is 6 afraid of 7?

Because 7 is a registered 6 offender...



Submitted February 24, 2017 at 07:39PM by lizardmandx

Friday, February 24, 2017

Why did Tammy do better on her report card compared to Tommy?

Because she had an A.



Submitted February 24, 2017 at 11:29PM by Crankthatsnes

I stayed up all night wondering where the sun went

And then it dawned on me



Submitted February 24, 2017 at 10:29PM by Dispand

Girlfriend got me today...

...I needed to get picked up at the airport.



Submitted February 24, 2017 at 09:36PM by onlystanthatmatters

What dating app does poultry use?

Chicken Tinder.



Submitted February 24, 2017 at 07:39PM by Tyburskii

Got a tattoo of a digital watch on my wrist.

I regretted it literally one minute later.



Submitted February 24, 2017 at 03:48PM by PepeTheMemeFrog

How do Australians clean up after a poop?

Bidet, mate!



Submitted February 24, 2017 at 06:34PM by scardeal

When does a joke become a dad joke?

When the punchline becomes apparent.



Submitted February 24, 2017 at 12:15PM by RyGuyTheGingerGuy

Modern day bullies be like:

"Nice gender, did your mommy pick it out for you???"



Submitted February 24, 2017 at 02:23PM by metnem

I like my women like I like my whiskey.

12 years old and mixed up with coke.

Disclaimer: This is just a joke, i do not condone the practice of mixing whiskey with coke.



Submitted February 24, 2017 at 05:36PM by FitTa3

Feel sorry for gay people using Google maps

In roundabouts they are told to continue straight...



Submitted February 24, 2017 at 04:54PM by ursixx

I called the police to remove some carrots from my fridge...

They were disturbing the peas.



Submitted February 24, 2017 at 05:43PM by _akmodo

The CEO of Pepsi was fired this morning

He tested positive for Coke.



Submitted February 24, 2017 at 05:19PM by camelopardalisx

My best friend got mad at me sniffing his sister's panties

It didn't help that they were still on her. Or that all of his family was there too. Needless to say it made the rest of the funeral really awkward.



Submitted February 24, 2017 at 11:09AM by Hi_Im_zack

Why did the sapling go to jail?

Treeson



Submitted February 24, 2017 at 04:30PM by Mikkomik

Walking back from lunch with my colleague

And she asked "Why're we rushin'?"

I responded "What are you talking about? You're Bulgarian..."



Submitted February 24, 2017 at 02:13PM by jbstans

I told my doctor that my chronic IBS has really affected my personal life.

He said, "Well you know what they say, gas all day keeps others away."



Submitted February 24, 2017 at 04:14PM by nowwhatlol

What do you call an honest politician?

Unemployed & unemployable.



Submitted February 24, 2017 at 04:27PM by gelert456

I made a joke about Captain Hook finally winning, but it flopped

Apparently some people don't like dead pan humor



Submitted February 24, 2017 at 03:41PM by Hispanicatth3disc0

What spice does God hate?

Sin, Amen!



Submitted February 24, 2017 at 02:29PM by nowwhatlol

What do you do if you see a spaceman?

You park in it, man



Submitted February 24, 2017 at 01:24PM by marcuccione

What do you call a fake noodle?

An impasta



Submitted February 24, 2017 at 01:25PM by marcuccione

What do you call an alligator in a vest?

An investigator



Submitted February 24, 2017 at 01:26PM by marcuccione

I've never played poker in my life, so I had quite a bit of trouble in the loo when I was in Her Majesty The Queen's palace..

You see, I don't know much about the royal flush.



Submitted February 24, 2017 at 01:50PM by Apostjustforthis

Two pilots, Rick and Dick, are flying, when they start talking about the new stewardess...

Rick says. "Have you seen Svetlana, she's absolutely stunning". Dick says "Seen her? I already did her after a flight last week!" Rick says "Wow man was she good?". Dick says "Well she's not as good as other stewardesses but still better than my wife". So Rick goes "well I gotta try this out.."

So after the flight he gets a drink with Svetlana, and one thing leads to another.

The next flight Dick asks "so how was she?"

Rick says "you're right, we do have hotter stewardesses, but she was definitely still better than your wife".



Submitted February 24, 2017 at 10:11AM by DuckOnAMopedII

When does a joke become a dad joke?

When the punchline becomes apparent.



Submitted February 24, 2017 at 12:48PM by The__Axe

My wife asked me to stop singing Wonderwall

I said maybe



Submitted February 24, 2017 at 01:18PM by troylajambe

I remember being a kid and my parents filling my head with nonsense, like Santa, the Easter bunny and the Tooth Fairy.

Well now that I’m older I don’t fall for that rubbish anymore, thank God.



Submitted February 24, 2017 at 08:52AM by gullypenguin

If my wife made a dollar for every sexist joke I make

She'd be $.77 richer right now



Submitted February 24, 2017 at 10:09AM by SIave

Why did the hunter hold a deer sculpture up to his eyes?

Because on a deer clay you can see for miles and miles ...



Submitted February 24, 2017 at 12:13PM by AnotherPackOfDust

A BuzzFeed writer walks into a bar...

95% of americans were shocked to find out what happened next.



Submitted February 24, 2017 at 02:23AM by MattKrockIRL

I really can't stand poultry seasoning.

It just smells so fowl.



Submitted February 24, 2017 at 11:34AM by carnageraiser

Two guys in a communal shower...

Guy1: You wanna play the rape game? Guy2: No. Guy1: That's the spirit!!



Submitted February 24, 2017 at 08:20AM by victorsena13

A father buys a lie detector

A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.

He decides to test it out at dinner one night. The father asks his son what he did that afternoon.

The son says, "I did some schoolwork."

The robot slaps the son.

The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies."

Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?"

Son says, "Toy Story."

The robot slaps the son.

Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching porn."

Dad says, "What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was."

The robot slaps the father.

Mom laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son."

The robot slaps the mother.

Robot for sale.



Submitted February 24, 2017 at 09:27AM by quincy-

Being gay before the invention of lube..

Must've been a pain in the ass..



Submitted February 24, 2017 at 03:59AM by JakeDaDerp

Donald Trump is like top shelf vodka

Expensive, Transparent, and wouldn't be here if not for Russia.



Submitted February 24, 2017 at 07:35AM by Maimonides_vii

Okay, r/dadjokes, ready for a game of Truth or Dare?

What is your favorite anti-drug campaign? Truth or Dare?



Submitted February 24, 2017 at 10:06AM by Maimonides_vii

I told my girlfriend I had to poop.

But I was just full of hot air.



Submitted February 24, 2017 at 10:07AM by inb4deth

Husband is late returning home from playing golf

"Wife" - "Where have you been? You said you'd be done with golf by noon!

" Husband - "I'm so sorry Honey... but you probably don't want to hear the reason.

" Wife - "I want the truth, and I want it NOW !

" Husband - "OK, Fine. We finished in under 4 hours, quick beer in the Clubhouse, I hopped in the car, and would have been here at 12 on the Button. On the way home, I spotted a girl half our age struggling with a flat tire. I changed it in a jiffy, and next she's offering me money. Of course I refuse it - then she tells me she was headed to the bar at the Sheraton - and begs me to stop so she can buy me a beer.

She's was such a sweetie, I said yes. Before you know it - one beer turned to three or four, and I guess we were looking pretty good to each other. Then she tells me she has a room at the Sheraton less than 50 steps from our table. She suggested we get some privacy while pulling me by the hand. Now I'm in her room....clothes are flying ...... the talking stopped....and we proceeded to have sex in every way imaginable. It must have gone on for hours, because before I know it the clock says 5:30. ...... I jumped up, threw my clothes on, ran to the car, and here I am. ............ There. You wanted the truth....you got it.

Wife - "Bullshit! You played 36 holes, didn't you!”



Submitted February 24, 2017 at 06:10AM by rumblefish65

I hired a carpenter, but she'll only work on the walls, ceiling joists, doorframes, and windows.

Apparently floors are beneath her.



Submitted February 24, 2017 at 09:35AM by nemo_sum

A chicken was found dead.

The police suspect fowl play.



Submitted February 24, 2017 at 08:50AM by TheRtHonLaqueesha

I did a kid's workout the other day

And I can really feel it in my head, shoulders, knees and toes



Submitted February 24, 2017 at 09:06AM by mista_awesomeness

I bought a plane with serrated wings

it really soars.



Submitted February 24, 2017 at 09:08AM by fingerofblame

There's a casting call for a new show called The Great Canadian Baking Show.

I sent the link to my fiancée...

Me: Did you sign up for the show?

Her: Hell no, I thought that was a joke

Me: No joke, I thought you'd really take the cake



Submitted February 24, 2017 at 09:16AM by ScotchHarbour

What do you say when a German shares a meme with you?

Danke.



Submitted February 24, 2017 at 01:44AM by TheMachineGod

I really feel like I have a bad posture.

I have a hunch.



Submitted February 24, 2017 at 05:42AM by Atuc

Guy in front of me was driving in both his lane and mine

My dad said he must have gone to Tulane university



Submitted February 24, 2017 at 04:57AM by MrGross1130

My wife is the dad of the house now.

We are watching a show that takes place in Newfoundland. They had a wierd accent, so I asked my wife: "Do Newfoundlanders really talk that way?" Without missing a beat: "I don't know, I've only met the dogs and they don't talk much. "



Submitted February 23, 2017 at 10:28PM by araw

A Father puts his 3 year old daughter to bed [long]

A Father puts his 3 year old daughter to bed, tells her a story and listens to her prayers which she ends by saying, "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa."

The father asked, 'Why did you say good-bye Grandpa?'

The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."

The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence.

A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this, "God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and good-bye Grandma."

The next day the grandmother died.

"Holy crap" thought the father, "this kid is in contact with the other side."

Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say, "God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy."

He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office.

He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock.. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay.

He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived; he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.

When he got home his wife said, "I've never seen you work so late. What's the matter?"

He said, "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."

She said, "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning my boss died in the middle of a meeting!



Submitted February 24, 2017 at 12:14AM by lordperzeval

I walked into an antique store and said "what's new?"

The guy threw me out.



Submitted February 24, 2017 at 02:50AM by LiquidFromAStream

Thursday, February 23, 2017

How do doctors aim their rifles?

With a stetho-scope!



Submitted February 23, 2017 at 02:49PM by Laughingboy14

I've just finished watching a documentary on beavers...

I've got to say, it was the best dam program I've ever seen.



Submitted February 23, 2017 at 01:27PM by AgentCuddles

What do you call a Roman with a cold?

Julius Sneezar



Submitted February 23, 2017 at 01:32PM by gett-itt

Why do some couples not go to the gym?

Some relationships don't work out...



Submitted February 23, 2017 at 12:31PM by anthony200229

I'm throwing a party for people who can't ejaculate

Let me know if you can come or not



Submitted February 23, 2017 at 09:12AM by Neverlose_hope

Future present and past had a argument

It was getting pretty tense



Submitted February 23, 2017 at 12:09PM by jsga

What do you call a mediocre civilization?

A So-society.



Submitted February 23, 2017 at 11:46AM by nowwhatlol

Someone just threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me!

Luckily, my injuries were only Super Fish Oil.



Submitted February 23, 2017 at 11:38AM by neoblog

LMAO this photo is gold

:D



Submitted February 23, 2017 at 11:00AM by thejazz97

My wife walked in wearing a shawl with fish on it...

..."Well, that's quite official," I said.



Submitted February 23, 2017 at 11:00AM by GreenGeese

What did Indian say to mum when he left?

Mumbai.



Submitted February 23, 2017 at 05:24AM by usedtobeNOTHING

Did you hear about the guy who had his entire left side cut off?

Don't worry, he's all right now.



Submitted February 23, 2017 at 06:54AM by Divirex

My tailor loves to fix my pants

Or at least sew its seams.



Submitted February 23, 2017 at 09:36AM by CheeseheadDave

What do you call a boy who finally stood up to his bullies?

An ambulance.



Submitted February 23, 2017 at 02:24AM by nakiv8812

Give a man a fire, he's warm for a day.

Set a man on fire and he is warm for the rest of his life.



Submitted February 23, 2017 at 04:13AM by jsga