Tuesday, January 31, 2017

A man with no carnal desires walks into a Freudian psychoanalyst's office

The psychoanalyst stops him and says, "hey, buddy, I'm gonna need to see some id."



Submitted January 31, 2017 at 06:16PM by MonetsBeret146

3 Drunk guys entered a taxi.

3 drunk guys entered a taxi. The taxi driver knew that they were drunk so he started the engine & turned it off again. Then said, "We have reached your destination". The 1st guy gave him money & the 2nd guy said "Thank you". The 3rd guy slapped the driver. The driver was shocked thinking the 3rd drunk knew what he did. But then he asked "What was that for?". The 3rd guy replied, "Control your speed next time, you nearly killed us!"



Submitted January 31, 2017 at 09:00PM by Charlie_Cliquot

My son said he felt like all his teeth were loose

I said not to worry, it's all in your head...



Submitted January 31, 2017 at 11:29PM by rethnor

I just read Trump's book "The Art of the Deal"

It had four Chapter 11's.



Submitted January 31, 2017 at 08:48PM by fairlyintrigued

A college girl once had a very active sex life...

She especially loved hooking up with frat boys and men who had been sentenced to prison. Those were kind of her fetishes, and she didn't know why. She didn't really like to use condoms, though, which was very dumb of her, and she knew that, but she thought it felt so much better without one. Also, she was on birth control.

Only, one day, her period didn't come as expected. She thought it was probably nothing, but she was suspicious nonetheless. She went to the store and bought a pregnancy test, and, lo and behold, she was indeed pregnant. Well, shit. Due to her active sex life and having slept with all those prisoners and frat boys, she didn't really know, which one of them had gotten her pregnant. She thought about what she was to do. Should she keep the baby? How could she find the father? And then it hit her.

She had to make a list of all the bros and cons.



Submitted January 31, 2017 at 07:10PM by explicitlarynx

Do any of you have a birthday.

I got a hostess at Disney today.

As we were checking in for a dining reservation, the hostess asks, "Does anyone have a Birthday?"

To which I reply, "We all do... but none of them are today."

My wife's eyes rolled so far, I think they went all the way around.



Submitted January 31, 2017 at 10:06PM by linux203

Did you hear about the poker-playing contortionist?

He folded on a pair of twos.



Submitted January 31, 2017 at 09:57PM by Bigfoothobbit

What college is actually worse than TRUMP university?

the Electoral College!



Submitted January 31, 2017 at 09:59PM by jasonBL

I think I know the reason for why I ask so many questions

It's because I got a Y chromosome from my dad.



Submitted January 31, 2017 at 07:16PM by dopaminemuffin

Ants must all be British...

...since they colonize.



Submitted January 31, 2017 at 08:02PM by super_dork

What Furniture store did the murderer shop at?

I KEA!



Submitted January 31, 2017 at 07:44PM by angrydispatcher

A guy walks into a bar and takes a seat...

Before he can order a beer, the bowl of pretzels in front of him says, "Hey, you're a handsome fellow."

The man tries to ignore the bowl of pretzels, and orders a fine Pilsner beer.

The bowl of pretzels then says, "Ooooh, a pilsner, great choice. You're a smart man."

Starting to freak out, the guy says to the bartender, "Hey what the hell, this bowl of pretzels keeps saying nice things to me!"

The bartender replies, "Don't worry about it, the pretzels are complimentary."



Submitted January 31, 2017 at 06:45PM by madazzahatter

You *have* to read this joke

"This joke"

Sorry



Submitted January 31, 2017 at 04:51PM by Max_The_Milkman

The Pope visits Texas

The Pope was state bound scheduled to give a speech in Dallas, TX. On their way to the venue the Pope rolls down the privacy glass in the limo and says to his chauffeur, "Hey, you know what? I've always rode in these things, but I've never driven one! Do you mind if we switch spots?" Being it was the Pope himself, the chauffeur felt he couldn't say no so he obliged and exchanged seats. It had been years since the Pope had driven, and he was having the time of his life cruising down the interstate going over 100mph! Consequently he was clocked by a state trooper and pulled over. As the trooper approached the vehicle and got a glance at the driver he quickly turned around and returned to his squad car to call his supervisor.

The trooper called in and told the sergeant, "Sergeant, I'm afraid I pulled over someone very very important." In which he replied," Well, who is it, the governor?" "No, no, much more important than that!" "The President?!" "I'm afraid even more important than that!" "Well, who the hell is it then?!" "I don't know, but his chauffeur is the freakin' Pope!"



Submitted January 31, 2017 at 12:57PM by ifarmpigs

Ya know what? this sub can use some repairs.



Submitted January 31, 2017 at 03:03PM by chumbawamba56

Why are goldfish so lousy at poker?

They don't like flushes.



Submitted January 31, 2017 at 04:11PM by Bigfoothobbit

How was the master thief able to steal the woman's skeleton?

She had combination skin



Submitted January 31, 2017 at 03:19PM by Sparkmane

Leather armor is best for sneak attacks

because it's made of hide



Submitted January 31, 2017 at 02:26PM by Twigsnapper

"Our product will be released according to a fixed software schedule"

That's much better than a broken software schedule.



Submitted January 31, 2017 at 02:42PM by Propane13

What is the difference between men and women?

A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.



Submitted January 31, 2017 at 09:48AM by shixue

How does Ryu signal forfeit?



Submitted January 31, 2017 at 10:29AM by Pjaskjin

I should have been sad when my flashlight batteries died.

but instead, I was delighted.



Submitted January 31, 2017 at 11:43AM by ROTFLandmines

What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?

No text found

Submitted January 31, 2017 at 11:43AM by Royalflush0

This must be Reddit's most eco-friendly sub...

99% recycled content.



Submitted January 31, 2017 at 09:04AM by SlashCo80

I asked my friend in North Korea how life was

He said he can't complain



Submitted January 31, 2017 at 07:10AM by Issac1709

A wife is like a hand grenade...

Take off the ring and say good bye to your house.



Submitted January 31, 2017 at 08:02AM by LordDraymonDarklyn

My mother used to always say "give your food a rinse before you eat it."

Lovely woman. Terrible sandwiches.



Submitted January 31, 2017 at 07:15AM by PaytheDevil

A soldier ran up to a nun

A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, "Please, may I hide under your skirt. I'll explain later." The nun agreed... A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, "Sister, have you seen a soldier?" The nun replied, "He went that way." After the MPs ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, "I can't thank you enough, sister. You see, I don't want to go to Syria." The nun said, "I understand completely." The soldier added, "I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!" The nun replied, "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls…. I don't want to go to Syria either."



Submitted January 31, 2017 at 08:28AM by Haiized

Nobel Prize

Hellen finally got a job in a hotel as a receptionist and this is a story of her first day.

While waiting, someone came in to the hotel. The person who came in was had a huge belly and he approached Hellen on the counter. Hellen was rather nervous, she greeted him.

Hellen: "how may i help you sir?"

Man: "yes, can you help me with something?"

Hellen is beginning to feel scared and asked.

Hellen: "help you with?"

The man approached her even closer and asked.

Man: "am i fat?"

He whispered.

Hellen did not know how to respond to that question and tried to speak honestly without offending him.

Hellen: "well sir... I think you are just fine sir. Maybe a bit big"

The mans face goes red and immediately grabs the bell on the counter and ran outside and threw it to the roof with all his might before running away from the hotel.

Hellen called the manager and explained what happened and soon the manager arrived and stood beside Hellen outside the hotel. Both of them stared at the bell stuck on the roof.

The manager lets out a big sigh and said.

Manager: "well.... I guess we could settle for a No-Bell Prize"

Glad to waste your time.



Submitted January 31, 2017 at 09:01AM by _BlNG_

I asked my mom, "Why are computers so smart?"

Mom replied, "Because computers listen to their motherboards"



Submitted January 31, 2017 at 08:30AM by PrematureEjacltr

At what time do we rebuild the wall?

From 4-5



Submitted January 31, 2017 at 03:52AM by VainGSM

What's the name of the knighted, well-traveled journalist?

Sir Freelance-a-lot.



Submitted January 31, 2017 at 07:04AM by elmaninho

My son, who's studying ancient Greek culture in school, got me again.

In the kitchen this morning, he tells me: "Dad, you know the Spartans were really fierce, and they'd throw away old weapons. They thought that if it wasn't sharp, it didn't have a point."



Submitted January 31, 2017 at 07:29AM by Gatorflier

Have you heard the joke about paper?

Good that you haven't, it's tearable!



Submitted January 31, 2017 at 05:20AM by casd82

What's the difference between Muslim and a terrorist?

I don't know, I just sign executive orders.

I'll be here all week.



Submitted January 31, 2017 at 02:16AM by VolusPizzaGuy

Three vampires sit in a cave in the black of night, sharing a drink, laughing, and generally having a good time that one would not associate with the undead.

The night grew longer, and an observer, should they be careful enough, would learn that vampires can indeed get drunk.

Eventually, the three begin to bicker about which of them is the most powerful and deadly.

The youngest suddenly gets up, and flies off into the night. Almost instantly, he returns in a huge flock of bats. His hands are covered in blood.

With a cackle, he points down the road.

"You see that abandoned coach down there? I slaughtered everyone in it! The driver, a nobleman and his wife, their three sons, and a guardsman! All dead in the blink of an eye!"

The second, older than the first, but younger than the last, scoffs. "Child's play. Watch this." And disappears with the wind. Even with his heightened senses, the younger could not follow his movements.

The second vampire reappeared as suddenly as he had vanished, and the gust of his speed knocked the youngest to the ground. His hands, mouth, and collar were caked with gore. He gestures towards a town in the distance. As the vampires watched, a building lit on fire, and fell onto another one. Soon, the entire town was alight, but no movement could be seen from the townsfolk at all.

"A hundred people in that town! All dead! Torn to shreds!"

The youngest was in awe, but the eldest of the three only sighed bemusedly.

"How cute." He says.

The second looks almost indignant. "I'd like to see you do better."

The third lets out a malevolent chuckle.

"Very well."

He gets up, dusts off his cloak, and puts his spectacles down on a rock.

He disappears with a CRACK. The other two vampires' jaws dropped at the impossible speed that the eldest flew at.

Another resounding CRACK filled the air as the eldest vampire returned to the cave. His cloak was in tatters. His clothes were disheveled. But most prominent was the blood. His entire body was covered in blood. Never would the other vampires imagine that so much blood could cling to one person.

The eldest lets out a sigh, and plops to the ground. He reaches for his glasses, and cleans them with what remains of his cloak.

The younger vampires look at each other, not sure whether to break the silence.

Finally, the youngest asks, "So...?"

The elder vampire looks up slowly. He murmurs,

"You see that massive tree over there? The one with the widest trunk, as thick as a man is tall?"

Baffled, the youngest replied, "...Yes?"

The eldest, sheepishly, continued.

"Well, I didn't."



Submitted January 31, 2017 at 03:10AM by Nottan_Asian

I asked my Mexican friend if he was upset about Trump's wall...

He said, "Eh, I'll get over it."



Submitted January 30, 2017 at 11:52PM by McDrakerson

Is it because I'm blonde?

A girl came skipping home from school one day. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!" "Very good," said her mother. "Is it because I'm blonde?" the girl said. "Yes, it's because you're blonde," said the mommy. The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to G, but I said it to N. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, L M, N!" "Very good," said her mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?" "Yes, it's because you're blonde." The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" She lifted her tank top to reveal a fully developed chest. "Very good," said her embarrassed mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?" "No Honey, it's because you're 19!"



Submitted January 31, 2017 at 12:12AM by zvronsnifsky

What do you call a farting boxer?

Gaseous Clay



Submitted January 31, 2017 at 02:00AM by derail88

What does a clock do when it's hungry?

It goes back four seconds



Submitted January 31, 2017 at 12:50AM by JoshuaDi

Monday, January 30, 2017

A girl realised that she had grown hair between her legs.

She got worried and asked her mom about that hair.

Her mom calmly said, “That part where the hair has grown is called Monkey, be proud that your monkey has grown hair.” …. the girl smiled.

At dinner, she told her sister, “My monkey has grown hair.”

Her sister smiled and said, “That’s nothing, mine is already eating bananas.”



Submitted January 30, 2017 at 06:23PM by prshs70

Here's to virgins

Thanks for fucking nothing.



Submitted January 30, 2017 at 04:57PM by domdelouise

I heard Starbucks is trying to hire a lot more refugees

Those poor art majors are going to suffer, then



Submitted January 30, 2017 at 08:29PM by Timewalker102

You know that tingly sensation you get when you like somebody?

That's common sense leaving your body.



Submitted January 30, 2017 at 09:37PM by imjustashadow

My 6 year old son tells me today

Him: You know the thing about Mississippi right?

Me: What's that?

Him: She's married.



Submitted January 30, 2017 at 09:39PM by Penandink52

How do you put a giraffe in a refrigirator?

You open the door and put the giraffe in it and close the door.
How do you put an alligator in a refrigirator?
You open the door, take the griaffe out, and then put the alligator in, and then close the door.
There was an animal meeting in the middle of the jungle. One animal didn't attend it. Who didn't attend it?
The alligator, becaus he was still stuck in that refirigirator.



Submitted January 30, 2017 at 10:37PM by RaineBay

My wife called me at work today.

"Honey, do you want to come home at lunch for a quickie?"

"Sarah, it's pronounced Quiche."



Submitted January 30, 2017 at 04:35PM by Bi9scuit

[Politics] Trump: 'The less immigrants we bring in the better'

Pence: 'The fewer'

Trump: 'I told you not to call me that yet'



Submitted January 30, 2017 at 05:40PM by The_Antonomast

Did you hear about the Italian chef that died?

He pasta-way



Submitted January 30, 2017 at 07:47PM by Kijjy

My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60...

Now he’s 97 years old and we have no idea where the heck he is.



Submitted January 30, 2017 at 09:08PM by madazzahatter

Hear about the race between the Yeti and the Sasquatch?

The Sasquatch won, by a big foot.



Submitted January 30, 2017 at 08:16PM by Bigfoothobbit

An Open Letter to the Reddit Community

C



Submitted January 30, 2017 at 08:38PM by lilmul123

A gorilla dies of old age in a zoo

Being the only gorilla in the zoo, the zoo officials couldn't afford to lose the only attraction keeping their failing zoo business afloat.

So they immediately decided to hire one of the zookeepers for an extra $100/day to wear the gorilla costume they have in storage and pretend to be the gorilla until they can afford a new one.

For weeks, the zookeeper did lots of tricks in his gorilla suit to the astonishment of thousands of spectators watching the "human-like" gorilla.

About a month in, the popularity started to wane. So to get the attention of the crowd once again, he climbed over his enclosure and swung himself from the net ceiling over the lions den beside his enclosure. A large crowd gathered as they watched in terror and suspense. Suddenly, the zookeeper lost his grip and fell straight down on the floor of the lions den. He started crying for help when suddenly a lion pounced him from behind and whispered in his ear, "Shut the fuck up! You're gonna get us both fired."



Submitted January 30, 2017 at 01:42PM by kiminona

Where does a T-Rex buy his groceries?

From the dino-store.



Submitted January 30, 2017 at 05:51PM by Snorgledork

Most people have a family tree, but I have a family cactus.

Because mine is full of pricks.



Submitted January 30, 2017 at 11:44AM by cantcubethis

A barperson just said to me 'we had a salsa night tonight, so we've closed off the back of the bar'

So I said 'makes sense. It must smell of tomatoes.'

She didn't laugh.



Submitted January 30, 2017 at 06:38PM by Hacker_Alias

What do you call a dairy cow that can't produce any milk?

An udder failure.



Submitted January 30, 2017 at 02:41PM by dirkmer

What's the difference between a Pakistani school and a terrorist camp?

I don't fucking know I'm just a drone pilot



Submitted January 30, 2017 at 03:13PM by Exile127

I left my Adderall in my Ford Fiesta

Now it's a Ford Focus



Submitted January 30, 2017 at 12:30PM by ThePharmancipator

I think my wife has a blind fetish...

Last night she said she doesn't think we should see each other anymore.



Submitted January 30, 2017 at 09:02AM by Ocora

A bus full of Nuns falls of a cliff and.....

A bus full of Nuns falls of a cliff and they all die. They arrive at the gates of heaven and meet St. Peter. St. Peter says to them "Sisters, welcome to Heaven. In a moment I will let you all though the pearly gates, but before I may do that, I must ask each of you a single question. Please form a single-file line." And they do so. St. Peter turns to the first Nun in the line and asks her "Sister, have you ever touched a penis?" The Sister Responds "Well... there was this one time... that I kinda sorta... touched one with the tip of my pinky finger..." St. Peter says "Alright Sister, now dip the tip of your pinky finger in the Holy Water, and you may be admitted." and she did so. St. Peter now turns to the second nun and says "Sister, have you ever touched a penis?" "Well.... There was this one time... that I held one for a moment..." "Alright Sister, now just wash your hands in the Holy Water, and you may be admitted" and she does so. Now at this, there is a noise, a jostling in the line. It seems that one nun is trying to cut in front of another! St. Peter sees this and asks the Nun "Sister Susan, what is this? There is no rush!" Sister Susan responds "Well if I'm going to have to gargle this stuff, I'd rather do it before Sister Mary sticks her ass in it!"



Submitted January 30, 2017 at 10:44AM by iambackk

I am going to name my first born Mark

So after I die, I'll have left my Mark on this world.



Submitted January 30, 2017 at 01:24PM by Hiddengerms

Fiancée: I'm gonna tackle my to-do list.

Me: Drop your shoulders and aim for the hips.

Fiancée: ... I hate you.



Submitted January 30, 2017 at 10:55AM by GoldNBones

Why couldn't the musher get his new puppy's harness on?

He was just a little husky.



Submitted January 30, 2017 at 11:31AM by ADarkDraconis

My wife accused me of ruining her birthday, but that's impossible

I didn't even know it was her birthday!



Submitted January 30, 2017 at 10:06AM by twinbladeArisen

Trust your calculator.

It's something to count on.



Submitted January 30, 2017 at 11:00AM by ROTFLandmines

What do you call a snake thats 3.14 meters long?

A πthon



Submitted January 30, 2017 at 11:24AM by Cat_of_death

"Hand me downs"

Apparently not the right way to ask the wife to hand me our disabled baby.



Submitted January 30, 2017 at 03:43AM by ajstaff

Tobacco companies kill their best customers

And condom companies kill their future customers.



Submitted January 30, 2017 at 05:56AM by olacab

What is Forrest Gump's password?

1forrest1



Submitted January 30, 2017 at 05:30AM by NatePGOG

How to tell if music counts as heavy metal:

Look and see if they have a lead guitar.



Submitted January 30, 2017 at 09:30AM by mavet

Most women would love to wake up on their birthday to the smell of fresh coffee, a nice breakfast, flowers and oral

But not my Sister.



Submitted January 30, 2017 at 08:39AM by twinbladeArisen

A swastika has been spray painted over Donald Trump's star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame...

...Police say it's impossible to tell if the act was committed by Trump's opponents or supporters.



Submitted January 30, 2017 at 06:21AM by cougycougs

I've dreamed up a new color

It was a pigment of my imagination.



Submitted January 30, 2017 at 08:42AM by sid3091

I took my cat to the vet the other day...

and I asked the veterinarian, "do you offer CAT scans?"



Submitted January 30, 2017 at 06:28AM by TumblingFox

A programmer goes shopping

A room mate asked his friend who is a programmer to go shopping.

"hey, can you buy a bottle of milk? Oh and if they have eggs, buy 12"

So the programmer went shopping.

When he got back, he bought 12 bottle of milk and his room mate asked

"why the heck did you bought 12 bottle of milk?!"

The programmer responded.

"they have eggs"



Submitted January 30, 2017 at 12:35AM by _BlNG_

Have you heard the one about the sun who had a lisp ?

It's funny !



Submitted January 30, 2017 at 05:47AM by Roman0wski

I finally figured out why communists are so vulgar...

... it's because they have no class.



Submitted January 30, 2017 at 03:01AM by lazyaz321z

Sunday, January 29, 2017

Back in my day we used to only have chalkboards. The new whiteboards they use are

Remarkable



Submitted January 29, 2017 at 10:26PM by youpayikill

I had a cocaine​ joke, but now I can't find it

It makes me really mad because I had it all lined up



Submitted January 29, 2017 at 09:27PM by Gradedcoder

Why aren't entomologists allowed to write their own code?

Because it's always filled with bugs!



Submitted January 30, 2017 at 12:25AM by bluedesertgondola

Dear Muslim refugees: just pretend to be Christian.

That's what most Christians do anyways.



Submitted January 29, 2017 at 04:46PM by willliam971

Reddit is really a green community,

considering all the recycled content on here.



Submitted January 29, 2017 at 07:08PM by gDisasters

My girlfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of her Honda Civic...

But if I'm gonna have sex, it's going to be on my own Accord.



Submitted January 29, 2017 at 09:28PM by bvrber

having sex for pleasure

Apart from humans, the only creature that has sex for pleasure is the dolphin.

I had to shag a lot of animals to find that out.



Submitted January 29, 2017 at 01:00PM by bablub048

I don't like alcohol, but my friend recommended something special, so he poured me a tiny glass.

I figured I'd give it a shot.



Submitted January 29, 2017 at 09:03PM by Propane13

Never Trust Stairs

I can never trust the stairs. They're always up to something.



Submitted January 29, 2017 at 07:17PM by getoutforgood

I love to tell dad jokes

To bad he was never around to hear them



Submitted January 29, 2017 at 06:06PM by whatwoulddavegrohldo

Muslims in the U.S.A

[Removed]



Submitted January 29, 2017 at 02:30PM by TheCats_Bananas

I don't tell dad jokes very often

but when I do, he laughs.



Submitted January 29, 2017 at 06:55PM by iambaney

Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will track you down...

You have my Word.



Submitted January 29, 2017 at 06:30PM by KimJongEwww

Little Johnny is always being teased by.....

Little Johnny is always being teased by the other neighborhood boys for being stupid. Their favorite joke is to offer Johnny his choice between a nickel and a dime Little Johnny always takes the nickel. One day, after Johnny takes the nickel, a neighbor takes him aside and says, "Johnny, those boys are making fun of you. Don't you know that a dime is worth more than a nickel, even though the nickel's bigger?" Johnny grins and says, "Well, if I took the dime, they'd stop doing it, and so far I've made $20!"



Submitted January 29, 2017 at 10:36AM by iambackk

Just found out I was dating a commie

Guess I should've noticed the red flags earlier



Submitted January 29, 2017 at 01:19PM by youpayikill

Do you know what Mexicans think about Trump's wall?

Who cares, they'll get over it..



Submitted January 29, 2017 at 11:45AM by NiTenIchiRyu

Back to back eye rolls

Told my GF I just got two Iron Maiden tics. "That'll be a show and a half", she says, I replied with "actually it'll be at least 2 since someone is opening". She says, "Who", I said "no someone else"'



Submitted January 29, 2017 at 01:28PM by bmacdbacks

Son makes a Dad Joke

Dad: How was school today son?

Son: Well I'd say it was about like a belt made of watches.

Dad: what do you mean by that?

Son: A belt made of watches? You know, a Big Waist of Time



Submitted January 29, 2017 at 12:20PM by beerad3235

If pronouncing your b's like v's makes you sound Russian...

Then Soviet!



Submitted January 29, 2017 at 02:47PM by I_Fart_Liquids

My wife said she's had enough of me because I always get my directions mixed up.

So I just packed my bags and right.



Submitted January 29, 2017 at 08:03AM by mets1010

What are they going to use to build the wall?

The bricks that were shat by people when Trump became president.



Submitted January 29, 2017 at 07:31AM by rp4187135

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose.

A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers.

She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other.

She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."

The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very closely:

Are - my - test - results - back?"



Submitted January 29, 2017 at 12:05PM by tyl93

A Muslim walks into the U.S

Just kidding



Submitted January 29, 2017 at 09:25AM by ktastik

So what if I don't know what "apocalypse" means.

It's not like it's the end of the world



Submitted January 29, 2017 at 06:37AM by hassanali122

I love my stepladder

....I never knew my real ladder



Submitted January 29, 2017 at 11:00AM by riickybooby

Practicing

We were at The Contemporary resort in Disney World waiting to be called for our breakfast reservation, when my wife points out this scale model of a Disney cruise ship. We walk up to it and I say "wow, would you look at that! It's a lot smaller than I thought it would be, though..."

My wife rolled her eyes. Our first is due in April.



Submitted January 29, 2017 at 09:17AM by RxBro

Do you know why one side of the the V formation of geese in flight is longer than the other side?

It has more geese in it!



Submitted January 29, 2017 at 10:04AM by 3joan

A guy dies and wakes up on a beach.

Nice weather, hot girls playing beach volleyball, barbecues everywhere, laughter and joy. All of a sudden, Satan comes up to him. "Welcome to hell. Enjoy yourself, have a drink, have a hamburger and check out the area. If you need anything or have a question, feel free to ask me." he says. The guy walks along the beach, has a few drinks with a nice girl. He walks over a hill, when he sees a hole in the ground, full with tormented people, flames rising up from the hole. The guy runs towards the beach until he finds Satan. "Hey, I found this hole and all these people are being tormented... What´s that about?" "Oh," Satan says, "that´s for the Christians, they want it that way."



Submitted January 29, 2017 at 03:33AM by 69petra

Why does a scuba diver fall backwards out of a boat?

Because if he fell forward, he would still be in the boat!



Submitted January 29, 2017 at 09:37AM by m3sarcher

Making jokes in the bathroom

I went to see a Led Zeppelin tribute band last night, and stopped by the bathroom before the show started. I was washing my hands, and there was a woman washing her hands at the next adjacent sink.

The soap dispenser between us said Zep on it, it was the brand of the thing, so I pointed at it and said "oh, it's kinda neat that they got themed soap for the event".

It took her a second to realize that a stranger was talking to her and to look where I was pointing... But she ended up laughing, and told someone else too. Which is great, because telling jokes to strangers in the bathroom seems like a risky gamble. It could have been received any way.



Submitted January 29, 2017 at 09:21AM by Bee_Kamiya

There are three types of people in this world.

Those who can count and those who can't.



Submitted January 29, 2017 at 09:32AM by 3joan

A dog with only 3 legs walks into a saloon in the Old West

He slides up to the bar and announces: ''I'm looking for the man who shot my paw.



Submitted January 29, 2017 at 09:39AM by 3joan

"Give it to me," my girlfriend yelled. "I'm so fucking wet, give it to me now!"

She could scream all she wanted, I was keeping the umbrella



Submitted January 29, 2017 at 01:38AM by kraken888

5yo laying on sofa: Liar! You're lying!

Dad: No, you're lying, I'm standing.

Overheard my dad and brother



Submitted January 29, 2017 at 02:32AM by Majellico

Dadjoking my wife

In bed a few minutes ago:

Me: What would you like for breakfast?

Her: I'll just have cereal, honey.

Me: Would you rather have cereal and milk?



Submitted January 29, 2017 at 07:58AM by AVeryCredibleHulk

Getting off the airplane today, I asked my wife and son if they have everything.

Phone? Earbuds? Etc... My son looks at me and asked, "did you get my soul?", I said, no, look under your feet, you should have two.



Submitted January 29, 2017 at 01:34AM by Sibilant_Engorgement

That's a nice ham you have there

It would be a shame if someone put an 's' at the start and an 'e' at the end...



Submitted January 29, 2017 at 05:02AM by Yesirote

Purchased a new dyson stick vacuum with my girlfriend today..

As we paid the clerk asked if we would like a large bag for it. I instantly responded with "oh. I thought these new vacuums are bagless?".

Massive sigh from my girlfriend and not even a chuckle from the attendant.



Submitted January 29, 2017 at 05:06AM by xenzor

Did you hear that the Lemon and the Orange divorced?

The Lemon was very bitter.



Submitted January 29, 2017 at 01:42AM by Bigfoothobbit

2 Christians are lost in the Arabian desert

The first day is hot, and they're miserable after running out of food and water. The night is surprisingly cold and even worse than the day. The second day and night are even worse.

On the third morning, hotter than the past 2 days, they see a mosque. "We're saved!" exclaims one. The other is wary and says he doesn't think they'll help Christians. The first says he doesn't care, he's so hungry he'd rather be killed than starve. The second one decides to tell them he's Muslim.

They arrive and the first man says he's Christian and asks for help. The Muslims are very friendly and tell him they have plenty of food and water for him. The second one tells them he's Muslim. The reply: "Salaam, brother! Happy Ramadan!"



Submitted January 28, 2017 at 11:41PM by Diogenes--

Saturday, January 28, 2017

How do Yetis tell the time?

With a sasq-watch.



Submitted January 29, 2017 at 01:54AM by Bigfoothobbit

The Unemployed Engineer

An engineer who was unemployed for a long time decided to open a medical clinic. He puts a sign outside the clinic: "A cure for your ailment guaranteed at $500; we'll pay you $1,000 if we fail." A Doctor thinks this is a good opportunity to earn $1,000 and goes to his clinic. Doctor: "I have lost my sense of taste." Engineer: "Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth." Doctor: "This is Gasoline!" Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500." The Doctor gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days later to recover his money. Doctor: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything." Engineer: "Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth." Doctor: "But that is Gasoline!" Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500." The Doctor leaves angrily and comes back after several days, more determined than ever to make his money back. Doctor: "My eyesight has become weak." Engineer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for this. Take this $1,000," passing the doctor a $500 note. Doctor: "But this is $500..." Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your vision back! That will be $500."



Submitted January 28, 2017 at 11:08PM by user-no-5

Who designed King Arthur's round table?

Sir cumference



Submitted January 28, 2017 at 10:55PM by BradyHoke

Guys, the USA is looking pretty bad...

I think its time for USB.



Submitted January 28, 2017 at 07:42PM by gaspper

What are twins favorite fruits?

Pears



Submitted January 29, 2017 at 12:01AM by 3joan

I thought the dryer shrank my clothes..

turns out it was the refrigerator



Submitted January 29, 2017 at 12:08AM by 3joan

Why should you never invest in bakeries?

Because they have a high turnover rate.



Submitted January 28, 2017 at 11:59PM by 3joan

I don't like her, but props.

Picking up my 6 year old son from my exes parent's house, he asks why he couldn't stay with them tonight. I tell him I'm hungry and I'm going to have a few bites of him.

Son: (whining) I don't wanna get ate.

Son's grandma: You won't get ate(8) you've got two more years!

He smiles and I die a little inside because I missed my moment to shine.



Submitted January 28, 2017 at 08:57PM by whereimatnow

How to you tell male from female ants?

Throw them in a bucket of water; if it floats, it's buoyant.



Submitted January 28, 2017 at 07:36PM by SleepNowMyThrowaway

How deep does water have to be to be ankles deep?

Two feet



Submitted January 28, 2017 at 09:01PM by WedWadio

I tried to submit a patent for a gold-plated butt plug, but Steve Jobs beat me to it.

It turns out, he was already making overpriced toys for assholes



Submitted January 28, 2017 at 06:11PM by Heavy_Riffs

3 women are talking about their sex lives. One is married with kids, one is engaged and one has a friend with benefits.

The 3 women decide together to give a suprise to their partners and say they will wear the same outfit: black leather lingerie, black eye mask and high heels. After a few days they meet again and discuss to compare the results.

The engaged girl says "well, when he got home and saw me with a black leather body, black eye mask and black high heels, he said 'you are the woman of my life, I love you' and we made love all night".

The girl with a FWB says "well, the other day I went to his office, I was wearing a black leather body, a black eye mask, black high heels and a raincoat. When he opened the door and saw me, he didn't say a thing but we had the best sex of our lives.

Then the married woman says "well the other night, I sent the kids to my mom's house. When he got home, I was wearing a black leather body, a black eye mask, black high heels and perfume. After getting in he saw me and asked:

"So, what's for dinner, Batman?"



Submitted January 28, 2017 at 12:54PM by leducdeguise

Why doesn't Oedipus swear?

Because he kisses his mother with that mouth.



Submitted January 28, 2017 at 06:00PM by Gasher13

An Australian walks into a US bar...

...with a crocodile under his arm. The bartender takes one look and says, "Hey! You can't bring that dangerous animal in here!"

"Dangerous? That ridiculous!" the Aussie proclaims. "Watch this!"

He places the croc on a table and grabs a nearby newspaper, rolling it up. He hits the croc over the head. The croc's jaws slowly open. The Australian whips out his dick, lays it over the crocodile's teeth, and hits it on the head again. The croc closes it's mouth ever-so-gently, not breaking his skin.

"Anyone else wanna try it?" the Australian asks.

A blonde woman raises her hand and says, "I will...if you don't hit me with the paper."



Submitted January 28, 2017 at 03:55PM by whatintheIdonteven

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant

While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, 'Kin ya swallar?'

The woman shakes her head no.

Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'

The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table.

His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'



Submitted January 28, 2017 at 01:23PM by admin-mod

Me and my brother are going to do some extreme camping this fall..

We figure it'll be in-tents.



Submitted January 28, 2017 at 03:57PM by Hslize

Some mornings I wake up bitchy...

Other mornings I let her sleep.



Submitted January 28, 2017 at 09:38AM by madazzahatter

I like my women how I like my computer.

On my lap. Turned on. Virus free.



Submitted January 28, 2017 at 12:47PM by WFMov

To all you idiots out there. Sharks do not swim in schools.

They swim in the ocean.



Submitted January 28, 2017 at 02:47PM by man-dog

I asked my Welsh mate how many sexual partners he's had.

He started counting and fell asleep.



Submitted January 28, 2017 at 12:41PM by BITTERSTORM

Trying to think of a new password

WINDOWS: Please enter your new password.

USER: cabbage

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters.

USER: boiled cabbage

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain 1 numerical character.

USER: 1 boiled cabbage

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot have blank spaces.

USER: 50fuckingboiledcabbages

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain at least one upper case character.

USER: 50FUCKINGboiledcabbages

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively.

USER: 50FuckingBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAssIfYouDon'tGiveMeAccessNow!

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot contain punctuation.

USER: ReallyPissedOff50FuckingBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAssIfYouDontGiveMeAccessNow

WINDOWS: Sorry, that password is already in use.



Submitted January 28, 2017 at 06:50AM by Timwi

What's a toddlers favorite brand of sneakers?

New Balance



Submitted January 28, 2017 at 12:06PM by PicklesThe_Drummer

Average girls are so mean.

No text found

Submitted January 28, 2017 at 12:02PM by puncakes

I was so embarrassed when I got an erection during a prostate exam.

Especially when they found out I'm not even a doctor.



Submitted January 28, 2017 at 06:42AM by Redditayer

My wife just left me because I spent our life savings on a penis enlargement...

She couldn't take it any longer



Submitted January 28, 2017 at 11:06AM by madazzahatter

People compare Trump and hitler all the time, but there is one major difference.

Hitler was good at making speeches



Submitted January 28, 2017 at 10:11AM by gotemyey

I burnt my Hawaiian pizza today.

I should have cooked it at Aloha temperature.



Submitted January 28, 2017 at 09:35AM by mykeuk

Sumo wrestlers have to make sure their legs are always shaven

So people don't confuse them with feminists



Submitted January 28, 2017 at 03:38AM by snapppyb

..Trump said "Buy american, Hire american"

Standing on an Ikea podium from Sweden, behind bullet proof by Saint Gobain Glass from France, smiling at a 4K Sony Japanese Video camera, speaking into a Dolby Sennheiser German microphone, with vigorous hand gestures giving a glimpse of a Rolex under the cuff made in Switzerland

he patriotically said .."Buy American, Hire American, Stop Immigrants". while standing beside a Slovenian wife



Submitted January 28, 2017 at 07:33AM by AdityaRav

Velcro...

... what a rip off.



Submitted January 28, 2017 at 05:06AM by ayyyylmao6

What do you call an army of trees?

Infantree



Submitted January 28, 2017 at 05:58AM by TheRtHonLaqueesha

My girlfriend left a note on the fridge

"This is not working I'm going to my mum's house."

So, I opened the fridge's door, the light came on and the juice was cold.

  • What the hell did she mean?


Submitted January 28, 2017 at 06:14AM by DocNob

Relevant Cyanide & Happiness



Submitted January 28, 2017 at 05:27AM by MarriedIntoTrashyFam

I just went to a Plastic Surgery Addicts Anonymous meet up...

and boy, did I see a lot of new faces!



Submitted January 28, 2017 at 04:06AM by tosil

A guy has a massive crush on a girl

A guy has a massive crush on this girl. He is so enchanted by her that every time he see's her he gets an instant boner. In order to avoid any embarassment from an obvious boner he decides to call the girl and ask her out over the phone. To his surprise she agrees almost instantly and they make plans. As soon as he hangs up he thinks, "shit, what am I gonna do, I'll get a boner as soon as I see her and she'll never talk to me again." So like a man, he finds the perfect solution to him problem. He duct tapes and ties his dick to his leg. On date night, he goes to her door, double checks his work with a patt on his leg, check. He rings her doorbell, she opens the door, and he kicks her in the face.



Submitted January 27, 2017 at 09:58PM by DJPickleTiTs

Friday, January 27, 2017

I used to have a job at a calendar factory

Got fired because I took a few of days off



Submitted January 27, 2017 at 10:29PM by KappaKeppa

[long] a female class teacher was having problems with a kid in her class

A female class teacher was having a problem with a boy in her class in Primary 3. The boy said, "Madam, I should be in Primary 4. I am smarter than my sister and she's in Primary 4".

The Madam had heard enough and took the boy to the principal. The principal decided to test the boy with some questions from Primary 4.

Principal: What is 3+3?

Boy: 6.

Principal: 6+6.

Boy: 12.

Principal: 5x9.

Boy: 45.

The boy got all the questions right. The principal told the Madam to send the boy to Primary 4 immediately. The Madam decided to ask her own questions and the principal agreed.

Madam: What does a cow have 4 of that I have only 2?

Boy: Legs.

Madam: What is in your trousers that I don't have?

Boy: Pockets.

Madam: What starts wit a C and ends with T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?

Boy: Coconut.

Madam: What goes in hard and then comes out soft and sticky?

The principal's eyes opened really wide, but before he could stop the answer, the boy was taking charge

Boy: Bubble gum.

Madam: You stick your pole inside me. You tie me down to get me up, I get wet before you do.

Boy: Tent.

The principal was looking restless

Madam: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you are bored. The best man always has me first?.

Boy: Wedding ring.

Madam: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I Drip. When you blow me, you feel good?

Boy: Nose.

Madam: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates, I come with a quiver.

Boy: Arrow.

Principal: O MY GOD.

Madam: What starts with 'F' and ends wit a 'K' and if you don't get it, you've to use your hand?

Boy: Fork.

Madam: What is it that all men have, it's longer in some men than others, the Pope doesn't use his and a man gives it to his wife after marriage?

Boy: Surname.

Principal: damnit!!.

Madam: What part of the man has no bone but has muscles with a lot of veins like pumpkin and is responsible for making love?

Boy: Heart.

Principal: Eeeeeh!!.. The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the teacher ,

"Send this BLOODY kid to the university... Even I myself got all the answers wrong!"



Submitted January 27, 2017 at 09:51PM by rp4187135

How do dogs get into their kennels?

Through a labra-door.



Submitted January 27, 2017 at 11:27PM by Bigfoothobbit

Which President had the shortest term?

Grover Cleveland.

He was the twenty second President.



Submitted January 27, 2017 at 08:42PM by Guygan

Now that Donald Trump is actually building the wall, I hear Mexicans are depressed

I'm sure they'll soon get over it



Submitted January 27, 2017 at 05:35PM by PM-ME-YOUR-FLOOFS

I'm giving up alcohol for a month.

Wait, that came out wrong. I'm giving up. Alcohol for a month.



Submitted January 27, 2017 at 04:34PM by CTRL_ALT_NOPE

Nothing to see here

No text found

Submitted January 27, 2017 at 07:42PM by STIIP

What do you call a Knight that's easy to sleep with?

Surmountable



Submitted January 27, 2017 at 05:56PM by NMSmith42

Not Horny.....

A trucker who has been out on the road for two weeks stops at a brothel outside Atlanta. He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says, "I want your ugliest woman and a grilled cheese sandwich!"

The Madam is astonished. "But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my finest ladies and a three-course meal."

The trucker replies, "Listen, I ain't horny. I'm homesick."



Submitted January 27, 2017 at 05:55PM by Cr3s3ndO

Have you seen that movie called "Constipation"?

Oh wait it hasn't come out yet.



Submitted January 27, 2017 at 07:15PM by Jjstone78

Kid: "Mom, am I ugly?"

Mom: "I told you not to call me mom in public."



Submitted January 27, 2017 at 01:27PM by iRyaaanM

Did you hear the one about the extremely gifted, hand-less, vegetarian computer programmer who could type with his toes?

He had a lot of toe foo.



Submitted January 27, 2017 at 04:47PM by infintesimal

Muslim book store in New York: A man asks if they have the latest Donald Trump book on immigration.

"Fuck off, get out and don't come back" says the store owner.

"That's the one!" says the man



Submitted January 27, 2017 at 11:57AM by mk2030

Trump hates saying "yes" to Mexicans so much

We may as well call him the "Not Si" President



Submitted January 27, 2017 at 02:47PM by CircularJerkuler

The best thing about having a penis...

is sharing it with people who don't.



Submitted January 27, 2017 at 03:12PM by wackoclown

I told one of my students I teach remotely that for their good work I would give them a cookie.

I told them to go to my website.



Submitted January 27, 2017 at 11:57AM by madd74

Told my parents I was having surgery in a group text. Mom asks me how long I'm out for

Dad: Hopefully he's out for the whole surgery.



Submitted January 27, 2017 at 05:28PM by fecaltornado

A teacher is working on word problems with her students

A teacher is working on word problems with her students and asks, "if there are 3 birds on a fence and you shoot one, how many are left?" A boy raises his hand and says, "zero. Because if you shoot one the other two fly away" The teacher responds, "no, there's two left but that's creative and I like the way you think." After that the boy says "ok, three women are sitting on a bench eating ice cream. One is biting it, one is licking it, and one is sucking it. Which woman is married?" The teacher says, "well I guess the one sucking it." The boy replies, "no, it's the one wearing a wedding ring but I like the way you think."



Submitted January 27, 2017 at 11:05AM by TheGomeeez

Having a smart watch is really great.

Cuz on one hand you have something you can use to answer texts and stuff, but on the other you don't.



Submitted January 27, 2017 at 02:11PM by mpython09

I went to buy some condoms today, and I said to the pharmacist, 'Excuse me, I need some condoms.'

He said, 'Just a minute.'

And I said, 'Yep, that's my brand.'



Submitted January 27, 2017 at 11:18AM by LordsandLadies48

So I took this babe back to my place. . .

. . . for a solid three and a half minutes of shagging. We're lying there afterwards and she asks, "Why don't you have a clock in your bedroom?"

"I do have a clock - a wall clock."

"What's a wall clock?"

So I bang on the wall. From next door a voice, "Hey asshole! Don't you know it's 3 in the morning?!"



Submitted January 27, 2017 at 01:04PM by RealMcGonzo

What my friend's dad, who was a surgeon, would say when he was being annonying

Are you the doctor now? Because you've been testing my patience all day.



Submitted January 27, 2017 at 01:10PM by My_name_is_Jarnes

I was wondering why the ball kept getting bigger and bigger

And then it hit me.



Submitted January 27, 2017 at 11:15AM by AndreasBerthou

What do an uncircumcised penis and the kkk have in common?

They're both pricks in oversized hoods.



Submitted January 27, 2017 at 09:49AM by ExpertlyAverage

Why do cows wear bells?

Cuz their horns don't work.



Submitted January 27, 2017 at 09:30AM by gt0t

There was a kidnapping at school today.

Its ok though, because the teacher woke him up.



Submitted January 27, 2017 at 11:39AM by Jjstone78

A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down...

The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu.

"I'm sorry, sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer. I'll smell it and order from there."

A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork.

He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to him.

The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath.

"Ah, yes, that's what I'll have -- meatloaf and mashed potatoes."

Unbelievable, the owner thinks as he walks towards the kitchen.

The cook happens to be the owner's wife.

He tells her what had just happened.

The blind man eats his meal and leaves.

Several days later, the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu again.

"Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man."

"I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty fork."

The owner retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man.

After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells great. I'll take the macaroni and cheese with broccoli."

Walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he's going to test him.

The blind man eats and leaves.

He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming and runs to the kitchen.

He tells his wife, "Mary, rub this fork on your panties before I take it to the blind man."

Mary complies and hands her husband the fork.

As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting.

"Good afternoon, sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you."

The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff, and says, "Hey I didn't know that Mary worked here..."



Submitted January 27, 2017 at 05:45AM by madazzahatter

Man: "Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please"

Waitress: slaps his face

"The men I please are none of your darn business!" 😠



Submitted January 27, 2017 at 10:43AM by mercified_rahul

TIL tanktops are the most constitutional attire

We have the right to bare arms



Submitted January 27, 2017 at 11:20AM by Hitmonleesin

Donald Trump is not a rapist.

He's an "alternative romantic."



Submitted January 27, 2017 at 09:04AM by KubrickIsMyCopilot

My mom just moved into a brand new condo and is having a company come take measurements of the windows for new blinds/curtains.

My mom to my dad, "I'm having two blind people come tomorrow to measure the windows."

My dad in response, "I'd really prefer someone that can see what they're doing."



Submitted January 27, 2017 at 10:01AM by rathskellar

A farmer named Clyde had a car accident.

In court, the trucking company's lawyer was questioning Clyde. "Didn't you say, at the moment of the accident, 'I'm fine.'" asked the lawyer?

Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into the..."

"I did not ask you for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?'"

Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road."

The lawyer interrupted again and said "Judge, I'm trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the highway patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time the judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and said to the lawyer "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie."

Clyde thanked the judge and proceeded.

"Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.

When the highway patrolman came on the scene he could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her and saw her near fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.

Then the patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me and said, 'how are you feeling?'

Now what the fuck would you say?"



Submitted January 27, 2017 at 07:33AM by Fsmilejera_Irlelwoll

What do you call a space-pod you can put yourself in?

An Ipod



Submitted January 27, 2017 at 09:19AM by Nipixel

What is the difference between an ass kisser and brown noser?

Depth perception



Submitted January 27, 2017 at 09:43AM by ajmansell

I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big tits

When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big tits.

When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life. In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide.

So I decided I needed a girl with stability. When I was 25, I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn’t keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless.

So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition. When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

I am older and wiser now, and I am looking for a girl with big tits.



Submitted January 27, 2017 at 02:14AM by rumblefish65

Did you hear the one about three holes in the ground?

Well, well, well...



Submitted January 27, 2017 at 12:43AM by SomeIrishGuy

I'm American, and I'm sick of hearing that America is the stupidest country in the world.

Personally, I think Europe is the stupidest country in the world...



Submitted January 27, 2017 at 12:07AM by Colour_Sgt_Bourne

I told my friends I had a date with a really attractive girl...

they told me she was imaginary, but the jokes on them, because they are too.



Submitted January 27, 2017 at 03:45AM by JerryDaBaws

If I had a dollar for every time someone over 40 told me my generation sucks...

Then I could afford a house in the economy they ruined.



Submitted January 26, 2017 at 11:45PM by ItsUmer

Thursday, January 26, 2017

What is it called when Trump pulls the U.S. out of NATO and allies with Russia?

Alternative pacts.



Submitted January 27, 2017 at 12:10AM by Mr_Blite

What's the best thing about elevator jokes?

They work on so many levels!



Submitted January 26, 2017 at 11:12PM by KappaKeppa

I gave all my dead batteries away today

...free of charge.



Submitted January 26, 2017 at 11:22PM by KappaKeppa

Jack and Jill went up the hill

So Jack could lick Jill's fanny. Jack got a shock and a mouthful of cock 'cause Jill's a goddam tranny!



Submitted January 26, 2017 at 09:35PM by tampared

Where do dads keep their jokes?

In their dadabase.



Submitted January 26, 2017 at 08:52PM by nofaggotshit

My girlfriend kept telling me to treat her like a princess.

So I made her marry an old guy she's never met to secure an alliance with the French.



Submitted January 26, 2017 at 08:46PM by k3bomb

I wanted to file my taxes online this year

Sadly, I just wasn't that Intuit



Submitted January 26, 2017 at 07:57PM by mwhaskin

I see why Trump doesn't want scientists to talk about their findings in public.

He doesn't want them to do a peer review



Submitted January 26, 2017 at 09:43PM by ItsProfOak

How do Nazis talk to babies?

In Goebeldigook.



Submitted January 26, 2017 at 08:13PM by 2xWhiskeyCokeNoIce

Why hasn't Abraham Lincoln ever been charged with a crime?

He's in a cent.



Submitted January 26, 2017 at 09:28PM by OneCoolGuy234

You can lead a Nazi to books...

...but you can't make Himmlern.



Submitted January 26, 2017 at 08:51PM by shiner_bock

My friend just found out that he is both gay and dyslexic.

He is still in Daniel.



Submitted January 26, 2017 at 05:35PM by Enoikay

How much room does it take to grow a fungus?

As mushroom as possible!

(By my actual dad, to my girlfriend, as she was eating some appetizer soup at a Hibachi restaurant.)



Submitted January 26, 2017 at 02:39PM by memcginn

The urinals were broken at my dad's work

He had to walk a long distance to go to the bathroom.

When the plumber came and informed him the urinals were fixed, my dad told him "I'm relieved!"



Submitted January 26, 2017 at 06:33PM by aaronr93

Did you hear about the Italian chef that died?

He pasta way.



Submitted January 26, 2017 at 07:34PM by TR0YbuttsoupBarnes

Dad Joke

Dad: (Grabs his chest) Call me an ambulance

Son: You are........ an ambulance

Dad: Proud of you son.



Submitted January 26, 2017 at 12:22PM by BigBangBoy

I told my wife I wanted to try anal sex

She told me she's been having sex with an asshole for years.



Submitted January 26, 2017 at 03:19PM by Cooldudeda1st

Why did the blind lady fall into the well?

Because she couldn't see that well.



Submitted January 26, 2017 at 03:29PM by waxsway

A man has been shot with a starting pistol...

The police are pretty sure it's race related.



Submitted January 26, 2017 at 02:46PM by mcfc_fan

A cowboy from Texas

A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud.

He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.

When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time..."

The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is an Airborne Ranger, the other is a Navy Seal, both serving overseas somewhere.

When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together.

So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way.

He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs.

All the regulars take notice and fall silent.

When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."

The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.

"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."

"Hasn't affected my brothers though...."



Submitted January 26, 2017 at 09:21AM by NSDIY

Did you hear about the guy who almost died ordering at mcdonalds?

He pulled through eventually.



Submitted January 26, 2017 at 07:55AM by Resurgentkase

I asked my dad how does he keep his dad jokes on point

He replied: "Dad's a good question"



Submitted January 26, 2017 at 03:17PM by KappaKeppa

What do you call a funny reptile?

A stand up chameleon



Submitted January 26, 2017 at 03:21PM by 85mayne

A sheep, a drum, and a snake fall off a cliff...

Baa dum tssssss



Submitted January 26, 2017 at 10:11AM by Aloeveraplanet

What has 4 eyes but can't see

A blind guy with glasses



Submitted January 26, 2017 at 12:44PM by shortydog05

To all those that received a book from me for a Christmas present

They're due back at the library today.



Submitted January 26, 2017 at 10:47AM by PaytheDevil

I asked a hen the age old question what came first the chicken or the egg.

Poor thing went through an eggsistential crisis.



Submitted January 26, 2017 at 11:45AM by lukepri

A steak pub is

A rare medium well done.



Submitted January 26, 2017 at 12:10PM by bleedingfingaz

Can you conquer the largest continent on earth?