The psychoanalyst stops him and says, "hey, buddy, I'm gonna need to see some id."
Submitted January 31, 2017 at 06:16PM by MonetsBeret146
The psychoanalyst stops him and says, "hey, buddy, I'm gonna need to see some id."
3 drunk guys entered a taxi. The taxi driver knew that they were drunk so he started the engine & turned it off again. Then said, "We have reached your destination". The 1st guy gave him money & the 2nd guy said "Thank you". The 3rd guy slapped the driver. The driver was shocked thinking the 3rd drunk knew what he did. But then he asked "What was that for?". The 3rd guy replied, "Control your speed next time, you nearly killed us!"
She especially loved hooking up with frat boys and men who had been sentenced to prison. Those were kind of her fetishes, and she didn't know why. She didn't really like to use condoms, though, which was very dumb of her, and she knew that, but she thought it felt so much better without one. Also, she was on birth control.
Only, one day, her period didn't come as expected. She thought it was probably nothing, but she was suspicious nonetheless. She went to the store and bought a pregnancy test, and, lo and behold, she was indeed pregnant. Well, shit. Due to her active sex life and having slept with all those prisoners and frat boys, she didn't really know, which one of them had gotten her pregnant. She thought about what she was to do. Should she keep the baby? How could she find the father? And then it hit her.
She had to make a list of all the bros and cons.
I got a hostess at Disney today.
As we were checking in for a dining reservation, the hostess asks, "Does anyone have a Birthday?"
To which I reply, "We all do... but none of them are today."
My wife's eyes rolled so far, I think they went all the way around.
He folded on a pair of twos.
the Electoral College!
It's because I got a Y chromosome from my dad.
Before he can order a beer, the bowl of pretzels in front of him says, "Hey, you're a handsome fellow."
The man tries to ignore the bowl of pretzels, and orders a fine Pilsner beer.
The bowl of pretzels then says, "Ooooh, a pilsner, great choice. You're a smart man."
Starting to freak out, the guy says to the bartender, "Hey what the hell, this bowl of pretzels keeps saying nice things to me!"
The bartender replies, "Don't worry about it, the pretzels are complimentary."
The Pope was state bound scheduled to give a speech in Dallas, TX. On their way to the venue the Pope rolls down the privacy glass in the limo and says to his chauffeur, "Hey, you know what? I've always rode in these things, but I've never driven one! Do you mind if we switch spots?" Being it was the Pope himself, the chauffeur felt he couldn't say no so he obliged and exchanged seats. It had been years since the Pope had driven, and he was having the time of his life cruising down the interstate going over 100mph! Consequently he was clocked by a state trooper and pulled over. As the trooper approached the vehicle and got a glance at the driver he quickly turned around and returned to his squad car to call his supervisor.
The trooper called in and told the sergeant, "Sergeant, I'm afraid I pulled over someone very very important." In which he replied," Well, who is it, the governor?" "No, no, much more important than that!" "The President?!" "I'm afraid even more important than that!" "Well, who the hell is it then?!" "I don't know, but his chauffeur is the freakin' Pope!"
She had combination skin
That's much better than a broken software schedule.
but instead, I was delighted.
Lovely woman. Terrible sandwiches.
A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, "Please, may I hide under your skirt. I'll explain later." The nun agreed... A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, "Sister, have you seen a soldier?" The nun replied, "He went that way." After the MPs ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, "I can't thank you enough, sister. You see, I don't want to go to Syria." The nun said, "I understand completely." The soldier added, "I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!" The nun replied, "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls…. I don't want to go to Syria either."
Hellen finally got a job in a hotel as a receptionist and this is a story of her first day.
While waiting, someone came in to the hotel. The person who came in was had a huge belly and he approached Hellen on the counter. Hellen was rather nervous, she greeted him.
Hellen: "how may i help you sir?"
Man: "yes, can you help me with something?"
Hellen is beginning to feel scared and asked.
Hellen: "help you with?"
The man approached her even closer and asked.
Man: "am i fat?"
Hellen did not know how to respond to that question and tried to speak honestly without offending him.
Hellen: "well sir... I think you are just fine sir. Maybe a bit big"
The mans face goes red and immediately grabs the bell on the counter and ran outside and threw it to the roof with all his might before running away from the hotel.
Hellen called the manager and explained what happened and soon the manager arrived and stood beside Hellen outside the hotel. Both of them stared at the bell stuck on the roof.
The manager lets out a big sigh and said.
Manager: "well.... I guess we could settle for a No-Bell Prize"
Glad to waste your time.
In the kitchen this morning, he tells me: "Dad, you know the Spartans were really fierce, and they'd throw away old weapons. They thought that if it wasn't sharp, it didn't have a point."
I don't know, I just sign executive orders.
I'll be here all week.
The night grew longer, and an observer, should they be careful enough, would learn that vampires can indeed get drunk.
Eventually, the three begin to bicker about which of them is the most powerful and deadly.
The youngest suddenly gets up, and flies off into the night. Almost instantly, he returns in a huge flock of bats. His hands are covered in blood.
With a cackle, he points down the road.
"You see that abandoned coach down there? I slaughtered everyone in it! The driver, a nobleman and his wife, their three sons, and a guardsman! All dead in the blink of an eye!"
The second, older than the first, but younger than the last, scoffs. "Child's play. Watch this." And disappears with the wind. Even with his heightened senses, the younger could not follow his movements.
The second vampire reappeared as suddenly as he had vanished, and the gust of his speed knocked the youngest to the ground. His hands, mouth, and collar were caked with gore. He gestures towards a town in the distance. As the vampires watched, a building lit on fire, and fell onto another one. Soon, the entire town was alight, but no movement could be seen from the townsfolk at all.
"A hundred people in that town! All dead! Torn to shreds!"
The youngest was in awe, but the eldest of the three only sighed bemusedly.
"How cute." He says.
The second looks almost indignant. "I'd like to see you do better."
The third lets out a malevolent chuckle.
He gets up, dusts off his cloak, and puts his spectacles down on a rock.
He disappears with a CRACK. The other two vampires' jaws dropped at the impossible speed that the eldest flew at.
Another resounding CRACK filled the air as the eldest vampire returned to the cave. His cloak was in tatters. His clothes were disheveled. But most prominent was the blood. His entire body was covered in blood. Never would the other vampires imagine that so much blood could cling to one person.
The eldest lets out a sigh, and plops to the ground. He reaches for his glasses, and cleans them with what remains of his cloak.
The younger vampires look at each other, not sure whether to break the silence.
Finally, the youngest asks, "So...?"
The elder vampire looks up slowly. He murmurs,
"You see that massive tree over there? The one with the widest trunk, as thick as a man is tall?"
Baffled, the youngest replied, "...Yes?"
The eldest, sheepishly, continued.
"Well, I didn't."
He said, "Eh, I'll get over it."
A girl came skipping home from school one day. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!" "Very good," said her mother. "Is it because I'm blonde?" the girl said. "Yes, it's because you're blonde," said the mommy. The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to G, but I said it to N. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, L M, N!" "Very good," said her mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?" "Yes, it's because you're blonde." The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" She lifted her tank top to reveal a fully developed chest. "Very good," said her embarrassed mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?" "No Honey, it's because you're 19!"
She got worried and asked her mom about that hair.
Her mom calmly said, “That part where the hair has grown is called Monkey, be proud that your monkey has grown hair.” …. the girl smiled.
At dinner, she told her sister, “My monkey has grown hair.”
Her sister smiled and said, “That’s nothing, mine is already eating bananas.”
Those poor art majors are going to suffer, then
That's common sense leaving your body.
You open the door and put the giraffe in it and close the door.
How do you put an alligator in a refrigirator?
You open the door, take the griaffe out, and then put the alligator in, and then close the door.
There was an animal meeting in the middle of the jungle. One animal didn't attend it. Who didn't attend it?
The alligator, becaus he was still stuck in that refirigirator.
Pence: 'The fewer'
Trump: 'I told you not to call me that yet'
Now he’s 97 years old and we have no idea where the heck he is.
The Sasquatch won, by a big foot.
Being the only gorilla in the zoo, the zoo officials couldn't afford to lose the only attraction keeping their failing zoo business afloat.
So they immediately decided to hire one of the zookeepers for an extra $100/day to wear the gorilla costume they have in storage and pretend to be the gorilla until they can afford a new one.
For weeks, the zookeeper did lots of tricks in his gorilla suit to the astonishment of thousands of spectators watching the "human-like" gorilla.
About a month in, the popularity started to wane. So to get the attention of the crowd once again, he climbed over his enclosure and swung himself from the net ceiling over the lions den beside his enclosure. A large crowd gathered as they watched in terror and suspense. Suddenly, the zookeeper lost his grip and fell straight down on the floor of the lions den. He started crying for help when suddenly a lion pounced him from behind and whispered in his ear, "Shut the fuck up! You're gonna get us both fired."
Because mine is full of pricks.
So I said 'makes sense. It must smell of tomatoes.'
She didn't laugh.
An udder failure.
I don't fucking know I'm just a drone pilot
A bus full of Nuns falls of a cliff and they all die. They arrive at the gates of heaven and meet St. Peter. St. Peter says to them "Sisters, welcome to Heaven. In a moment I will let you all though the pearly gates, but before I may do that, I must ask each of you a single question. Please form a single-file line." And they do so. St. Peter turns to the first Nun in the line and asks her "Sister, have you ever touched a penis?" The Sister Responds "Well... there was this one time... that I kinda sorta... touched one with the tip of my pinky finger..." St. Peter says "Alright Sister, now dip the tip of your pinky finger in the Holy Water, and you may be admitted." and she did so. St. Peter now turns to the second nun and says "Sister, have you ever touched a penis?" "Well.... There was this one time... that I held one for a moment..." "Alright Sister, now just wash your hands in the Holy Water, and you may be admitted" and she does so. Now at this, there is a noise, a jostling in the line. It seems that one nun is trying to cut in front of another! St. Peter sees this and asks the Nun "Sister Susan, what is this? There is no rush!" Sister Susan responds "Well if I'm going to have to gargle this stuff, I'd rather do it before Sister Mary sticks her ass in it!"
He was just a little husky.
I didn't even know it was her birthday!
But not my Sister.
...Police say it's impossible to tell if the act was committed by Trump's opponents or supporters.
A room mate asked his friend who is a programmer to go shopping.
"hey, can you buy a bottle of milk? Oh and if they have eggs, buy 12"
So the programmer went shopping.
When he got back, he bought 12 bottle of milk and his room mate asked
"why the heck did you bought 12 bottle of milk?!"
The programmer responded.
"they have eggs"
It's funny !
... it's because they have no class.
Because it's always filled with bugs!
That's what most Christians do anyways.
But if I'm gonna have sex, it's going to be on my own Accord.
I figured I'd give it a shot.
You have my Word.
Little Johnny is always being teased by the other neighborhood boys for being stupid. Their favorite joke is to offer Johnny his choice between a nickel and a dime Little Johnny always takes the nickel. One day, after Johnny takes the nickel, a neighbor takes him aside and says, "Johnny, those boys are making fun of you. Don't you know that a dime is worth more than a nickel, even though the nickel's bigger?" Johnny grins and says, "Well, if I took the dime, they'd stop doing it, and so far I've made $20!"
Who cares, they'll get over it..
Told my GF I just got two Iron Maiden tics. "That'll be a show and a half", she says, I replied with "actually it'll be at least 2 since someone is opening". She says, "Who", I said "no someone else"'
Dad: How was school today son?
Son: Well I'd say it was about like a belt made of watches.
Dad: what do you mean by that?
Son: A belt made of watches? You know, a Big Waist of Time
So I just packed my bags and right.
A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"
Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other.
She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."
The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very closely:
Are - my - test - results - back?"
We were at The Contemporary resort in Disney World waiting to be called for our breakfast reservation, when my wife points out this scale model of a Disney cruise ship. We walk up to it and I say "wow, would you look at that! It's a lot smaller than I thought it would be, though..."
My wife rolled her eyes. Our first is due in April.
It has more geese in it!
Nice weather, hot girls playing beach volleyball, barbecues everywhere, laughter and joy. All of a sudden, Satan comes up to him. "Welcome to hell. Enjoy yourself, have a drink, have a hamburger and check out the area. If you need anything or have a question, feel free to ask me." he says. The guy walks along the beach, has a few drinks with a nice girl. He walks over a hill, when he sees a hole in the ground, full with tormented people, flames rising up from the hole. The guy runs towards the beach until he finds Satan. "Hey, I found this hole and all these people are being tormented... What´s that about?" "Oh," Satan says, "that´s for the Christians, they want it that way."
Because if he fell forward, he would still be in the boat!
I went to see a Led Zeppelin tribute band last night, and stopped by the bathroom before the show started. I was washing my hands, and there was a woman washing her hands at the next adjacent sink.
The soap dispenser between us said Zep on it, it was the brand of the thing, so I pointed at it and said "oh, it's kinda neat that they got themed soap for the event".
It took her a second to realize that a stranger was talking to her and to look where I was pointing... But she ended up laughing, and told someone else too. Which is great, because telling jokes to strangers in the bathroom seems like a risky gamble. It could have been received any way.
He slides up to the bar and announces: ''I'm looking for the man who shot my paw.
She could scream all she wanted, I was keeping the umbrella
Phone? Earbuds? Etc... My son looks at me and asked, "did you get my soul?", I said, no, look under your feet, you should have two.
As we paid the clerk asked if we would like a large bag for it. I instantly responded with "oh. I thought these new vacuums are bagless?".
Massive sigh from my girlfriend and not even a chuckle from the attendant.
The Lemon was very bitter.
The first day is hot, and they're miserable after running out of food and water. The night is surprisingly cold and even worse than the day. The second day and night are even worse.
On the third morning, hotter than the past 2 days, they see a mosque. "We're saved!" exclaims one. The other is wary and says he doesn't think they'll help Christians. The first says he doesn't care, he's so hungry he'd rather be killed than starve. The second one decides to tell them he's Muslim.
They arrive and the first man says he's Christian and asks for help. The Muslims are very friendly and tell him they have plenty of food and water for him. The second one tells them he's Muslim. The reply: "Salaam, brother! Happy Ramadan!"
An engineer who was unemployed for a long time decided to open a medical clinic. He puts a sign outside the clinic: "A cure for your ailment guaranteed at $500; we'll pay you $1,000 if we fail." A Doctor thinks this is a good opportunity to earn $1,000 and goes to his clinic. Doctor: "I have lost my sense of taste." Engineer: "Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth." Doctor: "This is Gasoline!" Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500." The Doctor gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days later to recover his money. Doctor: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything." Engineer: "Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth." Doctor: "But that is Gasoline!" Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500." The Doctor leaves angrily and comes back after several days, more determined than ever to make his money back. Doctor: "My eyesight has become weak." Engineer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for this. Take this $1,000," passing the doctor a $500 note. Doctor: "But this is $500..." Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your vision back! That will be $500."
Picking up my 6 year old son from my exes parent's house, he asks why he couldn't stay with them tonight. I tell him I'm hungry and I'm going to have a few bites of him.
Son: (whining) I don't wanna get ate.
Son's grandma: You won't get ate(8) you've got two more years!
He smiles and I die a little inside because I missed my moment to shine.
It turns out, he was already making overpriced toys for assholes
The 3 women decide together to give a suprise to their partners and say they will wear the same outfit: black leather lingerie, black eye mask and high heels. After a few days they meet again and discuss to compare the results.
The engaged girl says "well, when he got home and saw me with a black leather body, black eye mask and black high heels, he said 'you are the woman of my life, I love you' and we made love all night".
The girl with a FWB says "well, the other day I went to his office, I was wearing a black leather body, a black eye mask, black high heels and a raincoat. When he opened the door and saw me, he didn't say a thing but we had the best sex of our lives.
Then the married woman says "well the other night, I sent the kids to my mom's house. When he got home, I was wearing a black leather body, a black eye mask, black high heels and perfume. After getting in he saw me and asked:
"So, what's for dinner, Batman?"
...with a crocodile under his arm. The bartender takes one look and says, "Hey! You can't bring that dangerous animal in here!"
"Dangerous? That ridiculous!" the Aussie proclaims. "Watch this!"
He places the croc on a table and grabs a nearby newspaper, rolling it up. He hits the croc over the head. The croc's jaws slowly open. The Australian whips out his dick, lays it over the crocodile's teeth, and hits it on the head again. The croc closes it's mouth ever-so-gently, not breaking his skin.
"Anyone else wanna try it?" the Australian asks.
A blonde woman raises her hand and says, "I will...if you don't hit me with the paper."
While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, 'Kin ya swallar?'
The woman shakes her head no.
Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'
The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table.
His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'
We figure it'll be in-tents.
They swim in the ocean.
He started counting and fell asleep.
WINDOWS: Please enter your new password.
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters.
USER: boiled cabbage
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain 1 numerical character.
USER: 1 boiled cabbage
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot have blank spaces.
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain at least one upper case character.
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively.
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot contain punctuation.
WINDOWS: Sorry, that password is already in use.
Especially when they found out I'm not even a doctor.
She couldn't take it any longer
Hitler was good at making speeches
So people don't confuse them with feminists
Standing on an Ikea podium from Sweden, behind bullet proof by Saint Gobain Glass from France, smiling at a 4K Sony Japanese Video camera, speaking into a Dolby Sennheiser German microphone, with vigorous hand gestures giving a glimpse of a Rolex under the cuff made in Switzerland
he patriotically said .."Buy American, Hire American, Stop Immigrants". while standing beside a Slovenian wife
and boy, did I see a lot of new faces!
A guy has a massive crush on this girl. He is so enchanted by her that every time he see's her he gets an instant boner. In order to avoid any embarassment from an obvious boner he decides to call the girl and ask her out over the phone. To his surprise she agrees almost instantly and they make plans. As soon as he hangs up he thinks, "shit, what am I gonna do, I'll get a boner as soon as I see her and she'll never talk to me again." So like a man, he finds the perfect solution to him problem. He duct tapes and ties his dick to his leg. On date night, he goes to her door, double checks his work with a patt on his leg, check. He rings her doorbell, she opens the door, and he kicks her in the face.
A female class teacher was having a problem with a boy in her class in Primary 3. The boy said, "Madam, I should be in Primary 4. I am smarter than my sister and she's in Primary 4".
The Madam had heard enough and took the boy to the principal. The principal decided to test the boy with some questions from Primary 4.
Principal: What is 3+3?
The boy got all the questions right. The principal told the Madam to send the boy to Primary 4 immediately. The Madam decided to ask her own questions and the principal agreed.
Madam: What does a cow have 4 of that I have only 2?
Madam: What is in your trousers that I don't have?
Madam: What starts wit a C and ends with T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?
Madam: What goes in hard and then comes out soft and sticky?
The principal's eyes opened really wide, but before he could stop the answer, the boy was taking charge
Boy: Bubble gum.
Madam: You stick your pole inside me. You tie me down to get me up, I get wet before you do.
The principal was looking restless
Madam: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you are bored. The best man always has me first?.
Boy: Wedding ring.
Madam: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I Drip. When you blow me, you feel good?
Madam: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates, I come with a quiver.
Principal: O MY GOD.
Madam: What starts with 'F' and ends wit a 'K' and if you don't get it, you've to use your hand?
Madam: What is it that all men have, it's longer in some men than others, the Pope doesn't use his and a man gives it to his wife after marriage?
Madam: What part of the man has no bone but has muscles with a lot of veins like pumpkin and is responsible for making love?
Principal: Eeeeeh!!.. The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the teacher ,
"Send this BLOODY kid to the university... Even I myself got all the answers wrong!"
I'm sure they'll soon get over it
A trucker who has been out on the road for two weeks stops at a brothel outside Atlanta. He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says, "I want your ugliest woman and a grilled cheese sandwich!"
The Madam is astonished. "But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my finest ladies and a three-course meal."
The trucker replies, "Listen, I ain't horny. I'm homesick."
He had a lot of toe foo.
"Fuck off, get out and don't come back" says the store owner.
"That's the one!" says the man
I told them to go to my website.
Dad: Hopefully he's out for the whole surgery.
A teacher is working on word problems with her students and asks, "if there are 3 birds on a fence and you shoot one, how many are left?" A boy raises his hand and says, "zero. Because if you shoot one the other two fly away" The teacher responds, "no, there's two left but that's creative and I like the way you think." After that the boy says "ok, three women are sitting on a bench eating ice cream. One is biting it, one is licking it, and one is sucking it. Which woman is married?" The teacher says, "well I guess the one sucking it." The boy replies, "no, it's the one wearing a wedding ring but I like the way you think."
He said, 'Just a minute.'
And I said, 'Yep, that's my brand.'
. . . for a solid three and a half minutes of shagging. We're lying there afterwards and she asks, "Why don't you have a clock in your bedroom?"
"I do have a clock - a wall clock."
"What's a wall clock?"
So I bang on the wall. From next door a voice, "Hey asshole! Don't you know it's 3 in the morning?!"
Are you the doctor now? Because you've been testing my patience all day.
And then it hit me.
They're both pricks in oversized hoods.
The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu.
"I'm sorry, sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer. I'll smell it and order from there."
A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork.
He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to him.
The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath.
"Ah, yes, that's what I'll have -- meatloaf and mashed potatoes."
Unbelievable, the owner thinks as he walks towards the kitchen.
The cook happens to be the owner's wife.
He tells her what had just happened.
The blind man eats his meal and leaves.
Several days later, the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu again.
"Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man."
"I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty fork."
The owner retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man.
After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells great. I'll take the macaroni and cheese with broccoli."
Walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he's going to test him.
The blind man eats and leaves.
He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming and runs to the kitchen.
He tells his wife, "Mary, rub this fork on your panties before I take it to the blind man."
Mary complies and hands her husband the fork.
As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting.
"Good afternoon, sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you."
The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff, and says, "Hey I didn't know that Mary worked here..."
Waitress: slaps his face
"The men I please are none of your darn business!" 😠
My mom to my dad, "I'm having two blind people come tomorrow to measure the windows."
My dad in response, "I'd really prefer someone that can see what they're doing."
In court, the trucking company's lawyer was questioning Clyde. "Didn't you say, at the moment of the accident, 'I'm fine.'" asked the lawyer?
Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into the..."
"I did not ask you for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?'"
Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road."
The lawyer interrupted again and said "Judge, I'm trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the highway patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."
By this time the judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and said to the lawyer "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie."
Clyde thanked the judge and proceeded.
"Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.
When the highway patrolman came on the scene he could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her and saw her near fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.
Then the patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me and said, 'how are you feeling?'
Now what the fuck would you say?"
When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big tits.
When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life. In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide.
So I decided I needed a girl with stability. When I was 25, I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.
When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn’t keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless.
So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition. When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.
I am older and wiser now, and I am looking for a girl with big tits.
Well, well, well...
Personally, I think Europe is the stupidest country in the world...
they told me she was imaginary, but the jokes on them, because they are too.
Then I could afford a house in the economy they ruined.
So I made her marry an old guy she's never met to secure an alliance with the French.
He doesn't want them to do a peer review
He's in a cent.
He is still in Daniel.
A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud.
He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.
When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time..."
The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is an Airborne Ranger, the other is a Navy Seal, both serving overseas somewhere.
When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together.
So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way.
He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs.
All the regulars take notice and fall silent.
When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."
The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.
"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."
"Hasn't affected my brothers though...."
He pulled through eventually.
He replied: "Dad's a good question"
They're due back at the library today.
Poor thing went through an eggsistential crisis.