Sunday, November 19, 2017

The Pope, Donald Trump, Angela Merkel, and a third grade child are flying on a small plane.

The pilot, Captain Heelspurs, runs into trouble and realizes they’re going to crash. He races to the cabin, grabs a parachute, and bails, hollering, “There are three parachutes left. You guys are on your own.”

Angela Merkel says, “Since I’m the leader of the free world now, I need to survive.” She takes a parachute and exits the plane.

Donald Trump says, “Well, I’m the smartest man in the world, so I get a parachute too,” and off he goes.

The Pope tells the third grader, “Don’t worry, my child. I’ve lived a long and miraculous life. You take the parachute, and I’ll go down with the plane.”

“That’s okay, sir,” says the child. “There are still two parachutes left. The world’s smartest man just jumped out of the plane wearing my backpack.”



Submitted November 19, 2017 at 07:21AM by gDisasters

Why are Astronauts always so calm?

There's no pressure in space.



Submitted November 19, 2017 at 05:48AM by ShadowJester88

My wife sighed, "Why does everything have to be a game with you?"

"An excellent question sweetheart!" I said. "But next time, please use the buzzer!"



Submitted November 19, 2017 at 07:04AM by madazzahatter

People often say "icy" is the easiest word to spell...

...and, looking at it now, I see why.



Submitted November 19, 2017 at 02:06AM by madazzahatter

The judge says

Have you anything to say before I pass sentence?

"Nothing your honor" the defendant replies.

Judge asks the clerk of the court "what did the gentleman say?"

The clerk repeats "nothing your honor"

Judge says "I'm sure I seen his lips move"



Submitted November 19, 2017 at 07:06AM by eltegs

A businessman is going out of town for 3 weeks...

His wife is a total nympho and he knows that she will never be able to remain faithful for that long. In an attempt to quell her sexual appetite, he goes to a sex shop on the outskirts of town. He spends several minutes pouring over dozens of dildos, dongs, vibrators, and other toys. However, he knows that none of them will satisfy his wife for the entire duration of his trip. Defeated, he approaches the strange looking clerk and begins to explain his situation. The clerk reaches under the desk and pulls out a hand carved wooden box that is covered in ancient writing and symbols. "This," explains the clerk, "will serve your purpose." He opens the box to reveal a wooden phallus, darkened by age and covered in dust. "Really?" "Just watch" says the clerk, and loudly speaks "VOODOO DICK THE DOOR." Suddenly the artifact begins glowing and floats out of the box. It rockets across the room and starts attempting to penetrate the keyhole. The lights flicker as the walls begin to shake while the thing just goes to town on the keyhole. As a crack begins to run across the ceiling, the clerk shouts "VOODOO HALT!" and the magical dick floats gently back to the box. "I'll take it" says the businessman, already reaching for his credit card. "A word of caution," begins the clerk, "only the magic words can start or stop it's process. Nothing else will work." The man takes his gift home and presents it to his wife. He is so excited to tell her how to start it and what it does,, he neglects to tell her how to stop it. Even though she is skeptical she accepts the gift and the man departs. After seven days the wife is getting extremely horny. She wants to remain faithful, but is already starting to fantasize about the neighbor and the pool boy. On day 10 she finally lets her sexual tension overcome her. Just as she is about to get some strange, she remembers the gift. She figures it couldn't hurt to try it, even if she makes a fool of herself she is alone at home. She strips and lays down, opening the box. "Voodoo dick my pussy" she says, almost sarcastically. Suddenly, the Voodoo dick flies straight to her crotch and begins intensely pleasuring her. It goes the exact right speed and angle. It is the best sex she has ever had. Two orgasms quickly turns to six, and there is no sign of stopping. She tries to stop it; grab it, but nothing hinders its mission. After fruitless internet research and four more orgasms she determines that the only remaining option is to go to the hospital. She can barely stay on her feet as she puts on her clothes and attempts to walk to the car. While driving, she has another orgasm, causing her to swerve and nearly hit a sign. A cop sees her car swerve and pulls her over. She stops, and as he approaches the window she begins to explain. "I'm so sorry officer," she says, trembling in pleasure, "but I can barely drive because I have this Voodoo dick pounding away at my pussy..." The officer rolls his eyes and replies "Voodoo dick my ass!"



Submitted November 18, 2017 at 11:27PM by mach_oddity

Did you hear about the shellfish who went to the disco?

He pulled a mussel.



Submitted November 19, 2017 at 05:53AM by 74CK

There are some strange things in the world. But you want to what's really odd?

Numbers that aren't divisible by 2.



Submitted November 19, 2017 at 01:17AM by MrJackMeahoff

What kind of lights did Noah have on the Ark?

Flood lights.



Submitted November 19, 2017 at 12:10AM by cymyk

What do you call a Roman who just went down on his girlfriend?

Glad he ate her... Are you not entertained?



Submitted November 18, 2017 at 09:10PM by CosmoKrammer

There was this tramp.

One cold winter's morning he was walking along a country road, when he heard a cry for help from a nearby lake.

Without a moment's hesitation he ran out onto the ice and slipped and slided over to a little girl. He managed to pull her out without breaking the ice further and carried her back to the road. He took off his coat and wrapped her in it then began looking for a car to flag down.

Coincidentally the father drives up. "How can I ever thank you sir?" he says after putting his daughter into the warmth of the limo. "Just name your price - I'm a wealthy man."

"Ah, well..." stammers the tramp, "... uh, I'm a little short of cash, perhaps you could help me out."

"Oh dear," says the father, "I don't carry much cash with me, I only have ten pounds - but come home with me and I'll get more from the safe."

"No! No!" says the tramp, "Why ten pounds is more money than I've seen in my whole life - that'll be plenty."

"Ten pounds," thinks the tramp, "I'm rich! I'm rich!" and off he goes to the town to buy himself a holiday.

He finds a travel agent, walks in - much to the disgust of the staff - and goes up to the desk. "I'll have one holiday please!"

"Ahem, which holiday would sir like?" asked the girl at the desk, forcing a smile.

"Oh, any holiday I don't mind, anything up to ten pounds," replies the tramp.

"TEN POUNDS! You'll NEVER get a holiday for ten pounds," says the girl incredulously.

She goes into the back of the shop, and searches in the deepest, dustiest filing drawers she can find. There - to her amazement - she finds an old file.

"Well you'll never believe it," she says to the tramp, back in the shop. "I've got you a holiday - its a super-duper, ultra-hyper, mega-economy class round the world cruise - and it costs ten pounds."

"Yippee!" exclaims the tramp, "I'll take it!"

A few days later he arrives at the port, and there in the dock is the most beautiful, most elaborately decorated, most expensive looking ocean-going liner he has ever seen.

"Get off my ship ye dirty bum!" shouts a voice, and an irate captain storms down the gangplank and kicks the tramp down onto the dockside.

"But I've got my ticket!", responds the tramp, "super-duper, ultra-hyper, mega-economy class, and I want on!"

"Well okay," says the captain, "but you can't come on just now, I don't want my first-class passengers seeing you. Come back at midnight when it's dark and I'll let you on then."

So the tramp finds himself a quiet spot among some cargo cases on the dockside, and he falls asleep.

"Psst," says a voice, waking him with a start. It was the captain.

"Hurry up, it's midnight, let's get you to your cabin."

The tramp toddles after the captain, along the dockside, up the gangway, and onto the ship - and what a ship!

First they went down through the first class level: Oriental carpets - 6" pile. A genuine Rembrandt on every wall. Leave your shoes outside for cleaning, and the steward brings a new pair. 24 ct gold trim everywhere.

Then the second class: As above, but perhaps the carpets were only 3" deep, and so on...

3rd, 4th, 5th class, down past the casinos, and the ballrooms, down through the crew's quarters, down through the galleys, and the engine rooms, until finally, at the lowest point in the ship, against the very hull, the captain opens a watertight door into a tiny 7' x 4' cabin, with a hammock, a bedside table, and an alarm clock.

"Sheer luxury!" exclaimed the tramp, "A room of my very own."

"I'm glad you like it," replies the captain, "but there is one more thing... Your class of ticket only allows you to use the facilities of the ship, at night - when all the other passengers are asleep. So that's what the alarm clock is for. Enjoy your cruise."

Well the cruise began, and the tramp had a whale of a time. Sleeping by day, and up on deck at night - he loved it. One-man-tennis, clay pigeon shooting, more food than he'd ever seen...

Then one morning, a week or so into the cruise, the tramp decided he'd have a go on the diving board of the pool. He had just enough time for one dive before he had to go below.

He climbed up the ladder, stepped onto the board tip, bounced, and dived...

... and what a dive...!

Perfectly poised in the air, he hit the water without so much as a ripple.

Now unknown to him, the captain - who'd grown rather fond of the poor old tramp - was standing watching this.

"That was amazing!" exclaimed the captain, "Where did you learn to dive like that?"

"Um, well I've never actually dived before," replied the tramp.

"Well that's incredible!" says the captain, "I've never seen..." He broke off. "Hey, I've got an idea", he started again. "How would you like to train a bit, and we'll put on a show for the other passengers. I'll pay you, and you can then afford to go first class!"

"It's a deal!" says our man. For the next 3 weeks the tramp practices like he's never practiced before. Back-flips, front-flips, triple-back sideways axled dives, you name it he tried it.

Then one morning the captain comes to talk. "Okay, I'd like you to stay in your cabin for the next 2 days. We're going to erect a high diving board for you."

"Okay," agreed the tramp.

Two days passed, and the big day arrived. The ship was humming with excitement. Everyone wanted to see the mystery diver. The captain had provided the tramp with a new pair of swimming trunks and he wore these as he stepped out onto the sun-beaten deck. Gasps of astonishment from the crowd, and a hushed awe. Higher than the eye could see, towering up and up, rose a slender column of metal.

"Well, tramp," said the captain, shaking his hand, "Let's see what you can do." And with that the Captain handed him a walkie talkie. And the tramp began to climb...

up and up...

below him the ship grew smaller...

on and on...

past a solitary albatross...

and still higher...

till the ship was but a speck on the ocean below...

and on still further...

/ till the ocean grew dim...

and the earth itself...

began to shrink...

past our moon...

and on...

and Mars...

and on...

higher, and higher...

through the asteroid belt...

and on and on towards the diving board...

past the outer planets, until...

on the outermost reaches of the Solar System...

he reached the board.

He climbed on top and radioed the captain...

and then...

.' '. . . . . he jumped. . . . . : Slowly at first, : but speeding up, : : : faster, and faster, : speeding past Pluto, : and the other outer planets, . . . . .

.

.

.

.

through the asteroid belt,

past Mars,

and the moon,

faster,

and faster,

faster - ever faster,

and by now the earth was growing large in the distance, the oceans and land masses grew clear,

faster, and faster,

past the albatross,

double-back somersault,

and he could see the ship, tiny in the distance,

hurtling down now, he posed, ready for the final 500 feet,

Down on the ship the crew strained their necks,

"I CAN SEE HIM!" yelled a passenger, "LOOK!!!"

The tramp streaked down towards the pool, did a last triple flip, and dove...

NOT A RIPPLE ON THE SURFACE!

DOWN THROUGH THE WATER!

SMASHED THROUGH THE POOL BOTTOM!

DOWN THROUGH THE FIRST DECK!

SMASHING THROUGH THE SECOND!

DOWN!

DOWN!

THROUGH THE CREW'S QUARTERS!

THROUGH THE ENGINE ROOMS!

SMASHING THROUGH HIS OWN LITTLE CABIN!

AND DOWN THROUGH THE DOUBLE-STRENGTH STEEL HULL OF THE SHIP!

STILL DOWN...!

DEEPER,

DEEPER INTO THE MURKY DEPTHS,

TILL.........

SMASH!

Into the sea bed, sinking a 37' shaft in the process.

Desperate for air he struggle out of the shaft, his lungs bursting he swam frantically for the surface.

Up and up, desperate, gasping...

Out of the water, up the ladder onto the deck of the ship, into a throng wild with acclaim.

"HERO!" "WONDERFUL!" "AMAZING!" "GOOD SHOW THAT!"

And handing him a heated towel the captain spoke, as a hush fell over the crowd.

"Well tramp, I have NEVER seen anything like that, EVER. That was the most STUPENDOUS piece of diving I have ever seen."

The tramp blushed.

The captain went on, "but tell me, most amazing of all is how you survived smashing through this boat after you dived - how did you do it."

And the tramp looked at the captain, and the crowd and replied modestly: "Well you see...

"For me to tell you, I'll need $49.95"

The captain outrageously asked why.

The tramp said

"The intent is to provide players with a sense of pride and accomplishment for unlocking different heroes, As for cost, we selected initial values based upon data from the Open Beta and other adjustments made to milestone rewards before launch. Among other things, we’re looking at average per-player credit earn rates on a daily basis, and we’ll be making constant adjustments to ensure that players have challenges that are compelling, rewarding, and of course attainable via gameplay.

We appreciate the candid feedback, and the passion the community has put forth around the current topics here on Reddit, our forums and across numerous social media outlets.

Our team will continue to make changes and monitor community feedback and update everyone as soon and as often as we can."



Submitted November 19, 2017 at 12:20AM by PenguinOntheRoad

Saturday, November 18, 2017

About a month before he died, my uncle had his back covered in lard...

After that, he went downhill fast.



Submitted November 19, 2017 at 02:01AM by madazzahatter

I never knew how technologically advanced Moses was...

But today I learned he had the first tablet that could connect to a cloud.



Submitted November 19, 2017 at 02:02AM by madazzahatter

I accidentally sent my friend flowers over the internet...

Whoops, E-Daisies...



Submitted November 19, 2017 at 02:03AM by madazzahatter

My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives...

I said, “No, I don’t hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine.”



Submitted November 19, 2017 at 02:04AM by madazzahatter

I dunno what this WiFi dude did…

But I’ve seen a ton of bars and restaurants demanding his freedom lately.



Submitted November 19, 2017 at 02:04AM by madazzahatter

The one about the

Two horses are talking in a field. One starts telling a story about the races at sandown, where he was coming last with no chance, when all of a sudden he got this tingling feeling up his back. Went real fast, passed the others and won the race.

Other horse says 'that's amazing' same thing happened to me, I'm trailing the field, and I got a wierd tingle up my back, burst of energy and I won the race.

In the next field a greyhound is walking past, he says to the horses 'excuse me' I couldnt help but overhear your conversation, and I have to tell you that even I, at haydock got that tingle in my back, and won the race.

The one horse turns and says to the other...

'Fucking hell, a talking dog!'



Submitted November 18, 2017 at 11:48PM by eltegs

A verb, a preposition, an article, and a noun

Walk into a bar



Submitted November 18, 2017 at 08:01PM by XenorVW

Just realized I really like Eggs Benedict when they're served on disposable dishes..

There's just no plates like foam for the Hollandaise



Submitted November 18, 2017 at 02:51PM by JoshPlaysUltimate

I served eggs Benedict on a hubcap,

because there's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise.



Submitted November 18, 2017 at 09:50PM by aurrutia214

When I was young I told my friends my name was Jesus Christ

They didn’t believe me so I said come to my house and ask my dad. After school 20 of my new friends followed me home and when we walked inside my dad exclaimed “Jesus Christ why are there so many people in my house!?”



Submitted November 18, 2017 at 08:39PM by Kuninja

7 days without puns...

makes one weak



Submitted November 18, 2017 at 04:12PM by cross_beaux

The meaning of opaque is still unclear to me

No text found

Submitted November 18, 2017 at 06:51PM by JoshTGDG

I've just got a job answering other people's phones.

Turns out it's not for me.



Submitted November 18, 2017 at 03:30PM by PepeTheMemeFrog

An American walks into an English pub and orders a Budweiser.

Barman: Oh, you must be American. American: You can tell from my order and accent, huh? Barman: No, because you're the fattest fuck I've ever seen.



Submitted November 18, 2017 at 11:09AM by Cynthia_Barrett

All this fuss about joining the mile high club?

I personally couldn't give a flying fuck.



Submitted November 18, 2017 at 02:43PM by DarkBlueMullet

What is a rapper's favourite food?

2Pac's of Notoriously B.I.G. Eminems



Submitted November 18, 2017 at 02:09PM by JoshTGDG

How do you say "no" in Japanese?

EA.



Submitted November 18, 2017 at 08:32AM by Seefay

Tell a man a joke and He'll laugh for a day

Tell a redditor a joke and he'll repost it for a lifetime.



Submitted November 18, 2017 at 11:31AM by MertKaraoglu

My friend was crying and I told him that he was not alone

Then I realized that I was talking to my front lawn with the sprinklers on. I guess it is alone...



Submitted November 18, 2017 at 12:29PM by JoshTGDG

If I go bald, I'm going to get rabbits tattooed all over my head.

Because, from a distance, they'll look like hares.



Submitted November 18, 2017 at 10:58AM by mrOsteel

What's the difference between a good joke?

and a bad joke timing.



Submitted November 18, 2017 at 07:41AM by Blargle33

Someone broke into my apartment last night and stole my limbo stick.

How low can you go?



Submitted November 18, 2017 at 07:35AM by ieatapplesauce

A London lawyer is driving

A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by an Irish cop. He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON and is certain that he has a better education then any Irish cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Irish cop's expense.

Irish cop says,"License and registration, please."

London Lawyer says, "What for?"

Irish cop says,"Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign."

London Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

Irish cop says,"Ye still didnae come to a complete stop. License and registration, please"

London Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"

Irish cop says, "The difference is, ye havte come to complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!"

London Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."

Irish cop says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."

The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.

The Irish cop takes out his baton and starts beating the living shit out of the lawyer and says, "Daeye want me to stop, or just slow down? "



Submitted November 18, 2017 at 09:35AM by ShinySatan

Where does the king keep his armies?

In his sleevies



Submitted November 18, 2017 at 11:19AM by silaspickerington

Can I smell your pussy?

Oh well then it must be your feet.

Sorry for such a crude joke but this was my dad's favorite joke and he passed this morning. I hope you guys get a laugh or two it's what he would have wanted.



Submitted November 18, 2017 at 09:47AM by I_WILL_DRAW_UR_NUDES

A German joke from 1944

How do you tell an Optimist German from a Pessimist German? The Optimist studies English, while the Pessimist studies Russian.



Submitted November 18, 2017 at 08:11AM by Vinccool96

Trees lose their leaves in Autumn...

What do they do in the Spring?

They re-leave themselves.



Submitted November 18, 2017 at 09:24AM by dt1ll0ts0n

What nationality is Mr Sheen?

Polish.



Submitted November 18, 2017 at 07:44AM by madazzahatter

I saw a girl off in the distance...

She had horizon me...



Submitted November 18, 2017 at 07:43AM by madazzahatter

I just changed my Facebook password to ’14 days’...

...but it said it was ‘Too weak’.



Submitted November 18, 2017 at 07:44AM by madazzahatter

I hated my job as an origami teacher...

Waaaaaay too much paperwork...



Submitted November 18, 2017 at 07:46AM by madazzahatter

People often say "icy" is the easiest word to spell...

...and, looking at it now, I see why.



Submitted November 18, 2017 at 08:04AM by madazzahatter

I work as a waiter...

The pay isn’t great but I put food on the table.



Submitted November 18, 2017 at 07:47AM by madazzahatter

The police say that they burn all the weed they confiscate...

That would explain the doughnuts...



Submitted November 18, 2017 at 07:08AM by madazzahatter

Woman driving along the road while knitting. Cop rolls down his window and shouts "Pullover maam"!

Woman shouts back, "no actually, its a scarf."



Submitted November 18, 2017 at 08:37AM by eltegs

Why won't Carthage forgive Rome?

Because he's still salty.



Submitted November 18, 2017 at 08:21AM by jibbroy

Feed a man corn and he will eat for a day

Teach a man to grow corn, he will kill your people and steal your land



Submitted November 18, 2017 at 02:56AM by Gr8_m8_s8an

Give a villain a gun and he'll rob a bank

Give a villain a bank and he'll rob a population



Submitted November 18, 2017 at 05:24AM by eltegs

My girlfriend broke up with me for stealing her wheelchair

But I'm not bothered, I know she'll come crawling back any day now



Submitted November 17, 2017 at 07:34PM by aschgar

The word "diputseromneve" may look ridiculous

But backwards it's even more stupid.



Submitted November 18, 2017 at 05:52AM by ImFromMarsTo

What does Voldemort hate the most?

When someone cut the line in front of his nose



Submitted November 18, 2017 at 04:27AM by Piggy_The_Sensei

I made a cape with a big S on it and put it on my goat.

It will be my S-cape goat.



Submitted November 18, 2017 at 03:34AM by thvid

My neighbour knocked at my door at 2:30am!

Lucky for him i was still up playing my drums.



Submitted November 17, 2017 at 04:22PM by eNiminator

Friday, November 17, 2017

My dad had no problems making Indian bread

He said it was a Naan issue.



Submitted November 17, 2017 at 07:48PM by CrispyChickenSkin

A 90 year old Holocaust survivor told me this joke.

Two Jewish guys are walking when one notices a sign on a Catholic church that says "Convert to Christianity, and we'll give you $100."

The one says to the other, "should we do it??" The other says "NO!! Are you crazy?" The first guy replies "Hey, a hundred dollars is a hundred dollars... I'm gonna do it." So he walks in to the church, and little while later, he walks back out. The friend says "well, did you get the money?" He replies "Oh that's all you people think about, isn't it??"



Submitted November 17, 2017 at 09:21PM by MARlOTTI

Wendy Williams' career must be playing Oregon Trail...

Because it's about to die from dissin' Terry.



Submitted November 17, 2017 at 10:27PM by oove22

My grandpa told me "All you kids do these days is play video games"...

"When I was your age", he continued, "my buddies and I went to Paris, We went to the Moulin Rouge and I fucked a dancer on stage, pissed on the bartender and didn't pay for my drinks all night!"

The grandson thinks his grandfather is right. He goes to Paris and the Moulin Rouge with his friends. He comes back only three days later covered in bruises, and with a broken arm.

The grandfather asks, "What the hell happened to you?"

The grandson says, "I did just like you did. I went to the Moulin Rouge; I tried to fuck a dancer on stage and piss on the bartender -- but they beat the fucking shit out of me and stole all the cash in my wallet!"

The grandfather says, "Well who the fuck did you go with boy?"

The grandson says through tears, "My friends from school, who did you go with?"

The grandfather says, "Well... the Nazis"



Submitted November 17, 2017 at 04:54PM by iamnearfromnormal

What is E.T. short for?

Because he’s got little legs!



Submitted November 17, 2017 at 08:55PM by Sass-a-knack

In my opinion, Orion's Belt...

...is just a waist of space.



Submitted November 17, 2017 at 04:08PM by pb609

Hearing loss isn't the end of the world...

but a string of words in sign-language is a deaf sentence.

Edit: please don't thank me, just pay it forward.



Submitted November 17, 2017 at 05:19PM by someauthor

Leave a man on a plane and he flies for a day.

Throw a man off a plane and he flies for the rest of his life.



Submitted November 17, 2017 at 03:00PM by gwh34t

Whats the laziest part of the car?

The wheels, because they're tired!



Submitted November 17, 2017 at 04:30PM by BOOBOO1999

What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?

A carrot.



Submitted November 17, 2017 at 03:00PM by littleCaesars432

My Grandpa said, "Your generation relies too much on technology!"

I replied, "No, your generation relies too much on technology!" Then I unplugged his life support.



Submitted November 17, 2017 at 01:17PM by Taylordprints

I think it’s pretty cool how the Chinese

made a language entirely out of tattoos.



Submitted November 17, 2017 at 01:15PM by person23and24

Someone told me you sound like an Owl

No text found

Submitted November 17, 2017 at 01:51PM by KorbanDidIt

If someone calls you odd

get even.



Submitted November 17, 2017 at 11:21AM by peepeemonkey

Organic chemistry is difficult.

Those who study it have alkynes of trouble.



Submitted November 17, 2017 at 11:03AM by Ghost_Animator

Give a man a fish and feed him for a day

Give a fish a man and feed it for a month



Submitted November 17, 2017 at 10:51AM by waffleman258

Civil War jokes?

I don't General Lee find them very funny.



Submitted November 17, 2017 at 11:47AM by JakeTheSnake134

What is Forrest Gump's e-mail password?

1forrest1



Submitted November 17, 2017 at 10:49AM by pb609

Why did the hipster burn his tongue?

Because he drank his coffee before it was cool



Submitted November 17, 2017 at 11:51AM by Danterog

A dick has a sad life.

His hair's a mess, his family is nuts, his neighbor's an asshole, his bestfriend's a pussy, and his owner beats him.



Submitted November 17, 2017 at 09:09AM by M_muac

No matter what they say, you matter.

Unless you get multiplied by the speed of light squared. Then you Energy



Submitted November 17, 2017 at 09:01AM by -theyoungwolf-

Just rescued a dog from a retired blacksmith.

First thing he did when we got him home was make a bolt for the door.



Submitted November 17, 2017 at 10:40AM by SleepDoesNotWorkOnMe

I bought a dog from a locksmith...

When I got it home it made a bolt for the door.



Submitted November 17, 2017 at 11:00AM by alaginge

What's the difference between Iron man and Iron women?

One is a super hero and the other is a simple comand.



Submitted November 17, 2017 at 07:28AM by zk290

I've asked my wife to always buy my trousers from now on...

Chinos what's best.



Submitted November 17, 2017 at 09:41AM by madazzahatter

I got so drunk last night, I started a fight with a mop...

I wiped the floor with him.



Submitted November 17, 2017 at 09:43AM by madazzahatter

What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?

A nervous wreck.



Submitted November 17, 2017 at 10:20AM by madazzahatter

I gave my stressed out feline too much elixir...

Now it’s catatonic.



Submitted November 17, 2017 at 10:22AM by madazzahatter

Why are there so many Smiths in the phone book?

They all have phones.



Submitted November 17, 2017 at 10:21AM by madazzahatter

[Long] First time buying condoms

When I was 16 years old, I bought my first pack of condoms. I was very nervous as I walked up to the pharmacists. She asked if it was my first time buying condoms. I told her it was.

"Do you know how it works or should I show you?" she asked

"I would like a demonstration", I replied.

The pharmacist took one condom out of the package and rolled it around her thumb. She told me to be very careful that it's very important to make sure it's secured well.

Then she looked around the store and noticed there was nobody else there. She quickly locked the door and took me to the back of the store. She took off her shirt and bra.

"Does this excite you?" She asked.

I nodded. Then she said it was time for me to put on the condom. While I was doing that, she took off her pants and panties and layed down on the table.

"Hurry up, we don't have much time!" she said.

So I quickly jumped on to her. It felt so good that I almost came immediately. She looked a bit disappointed and said:

"I hope you secured it well!"

"It sure is!" I replied, giving her a thumbs up!



Submitted November 17, 2017 at 07:18AM by Dronken_Dropke

After 10 years, the wife thinks their kid looks kind of strange

She decides to take a DNA test. She finds out that the kid is actually from completely different parents.

Wife: "Honey, I have something very serious to tell you."

Husband: "What's up?"

Wife: "According to the DNA test results, this isn't our kid."

Husband: "Well, you don't remember, do you? When we were leaving the hospital, we noticed our baby had pooped. You said: Please go change the baby, I'll wait for you here."



Submitted November 17, 2017 at 04:03AM by Zetonus

How do you call a nose without a body

Nobody knows



Submitted November 17, 2017 at 09:56AM by BenderDeLorean

November?

More like Novem-brrrr

(because it’s cold)



Submitted November 17, 2017 at 10:09AM by Ericmc80

Why would a phone need glasses?

When it's lost its contacts.



Submitted November 17, 2017 at 05:33AM by hendoggie

What did the pizza delivery leprechaun say when he accidentally bumped into the front door?

"Doh! Me Nose!"



Submitted November 17, 2017 at 07:34AM by barktholomew8

Why did the hipster wear flannel in the summer?

He wore flannel before it was cool.



Submitted November 17, 2017 at 07:20AM by wvchrome

I know a joke.

Got 20 pairs of boobs in an envelope.



Submitted November 17, 2017 at 07:07AM by kevinstrat27

"Dad, can you do my math homework for me?"

"No son, it wouldn't be right."

"Well, at least you could try."



Submitted November 17, 2017 at 05:49AM by madazzahatter

Grandpa Passed Recently. This Was His Favorite Joke

An older couple is driving across the country when they get pulled over by a cop - the husband is driving.

"Sir do you have any idea how fast you were going?" Says the police officer.

"What'd he say?!" the man's wife screams at him.

"We got pulled over for speeding!" Man yells back at his wife. She nods in understanding.

"May I see your license please?" The police officer asks the driver.

"What'd he say?!" the wife again screams at the driver.

"He wants to see my license!!" the man explains back to his wife. She again, nods in understanding.

The man hands the officer his license and a smile spreads across the officers face.

"Tallahassee, Florida? I had the worst fuck of my life there!!" the officer chuckles.

"What'd he say?!?!" the woman yells again.

The man looks at the officer and then looks at his wife and shouts back "He says he thinks he knows you!"



Submitted November 16, 2017 at 07:23PM by Rambro663

Give a man a fish, he will eat for a day.

Teach a man to phish, he will become a Nigerian Prince.



Submitted November 17, 2017 at 12:11AM by Thatoneguythatsweird

Thursday, November 16, 2017

Terrorists

A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington, DC.

Cars were at a stand still. Nothing was moving.

Suddenly, a man knocks on the window. The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped the entire US Congress, and they're asking for a $200 million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire. We are going from car to car, collecting donations."

"How much is everyone else giving, on average?" the driver asks.

The man replies, "Eh, Roughly a gallon."



Submitted November 16, 2017 at 07:06PM by Blue_Phoenix912

After work, I volunteer to help blind children

By the way: Verb, not adjective



Submitted November 16, 2017 at 09:36PM by Coltyn03

What do you get...

When you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?



Submitted November 16, 2017 at 10:40PM by the_squee

Why do cows have bells?

Because their horns don't work.

Heard from an old guy in a dive bar just now.



Submitted November 16, 2017 at 09:22PM by kennethjc

I told my doctor I broke my arm in two places

He told me to stop going to those places



Submitted November 16, 2017 at 09:45PM by kreusch1

An englishman, a Frenchman, a spaniard, and a German

Are all watching a really great street performer who was juggling.

The juggler realized that from where they were standing they couldn't see him very well. So the juggler stood on top of a wooden box. He asks if they can see him now.

"Yes" "Oui" "Si" "Ja"



Submitted November 16, 2017 at 04:49PM by Justmelord

A taxi driver was being interrogated after an accident.

Police Officer: So, how did you kill 59 people?

Taxi Driver: I was driving at 80km/h, when I saw two men crossing the road. On the other side, a wedding was taking place. I hit the brakes, but they failed.

Police Officer: And?

Taxi Driver: So, I had to make the choice of either hitting the two men, or the wedding party.

Police Officer: You hit the two men, of course!

Taxi Driver: Exactly! We think alike! Problem was, after hitting one of the men, the other escaped to the wedding party, so I went after him.



Submitted November 16, 2017 at 01:26PM by SnarkyScribe

Did you hear they're marketing steroids to the Jewish community

They call it muscle-tough



Submitted November 16, 2017 at 07:25PM by Conorcorn

I was wondering why the baseball grew bigger and bigger,

Then it hit me



Submitted November 16, 2017 at 05:56PM by BOOBOO1999

Why are retired Nazis so good with animals?

They're veteran Aryans.



Submitted November 16, 2017 at 10:28AM by Ass_Loaf

What kind of classical music do chickens listen to?

Bach, Bach, Bach



Submitted November 16, 2017 at 01:05PM by lunaticmoose36

what do you call a masturbating cow?

Beef stroganoff



Submitted November 16, 2017 at 04:17PM by Mario80728

To refer to all women as bitches isn't just a blanket statement, it's a broad generalization

No text found

Submitted November 16, 2017 at 04:48PM by daddydomino

John Cena was taken to the hospital while unconscious...

"Where am I?" "ICU" "No you don't"



Submitted November 16, 2017 at 03:23PM by megalodon7944

What did the fire protection equipment say to the fire fighter?

"No guarantees, but I'll do asbestos I can."



Submitted November 16, 2017 at 01:56PM by dubgeek

The thirsty criminal

My grandpa told me this gem of a joke. Here it goes...

A fleeing criminal, desperate to escape the police, runs into the desert with hardly any water. Very soon, he runs out of drinking water, and hours later, he is already plodding under the merciless desert sun.

He is close to desperation when suddenly, he sees something far off in the distance. Hoping against hope that it is water, he starts running towards what he thinks is an oasis, only to find a little old man with a little stand, full of ties.  

'Hey you, do you have water?' Pants the criminal.

  The old man replied, 'I have already finished my water, but would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5.'

The criminal, frustrated shouted, 'you moron! Do I look like I need a tie? I should kill you right here, but I have to find some water first!" 

'There's no call for threats,' said the old tie seller indignantly, 'but even though you don't want to buy one of my ties and you treat me like this, I'll help you. If you continue over that hill for about 3 miles, you'll find a restaurant with great food and all the ice cold water you can drink. Good luck!"

Muttering in disgust, the criminal staggered away over the hill. Several hours later the other man sees him crawling on the dune back towards him. When he finally arrives, he lays on his back, panting. 

"Everything ok?" Asked the tie salesman as he bends over to hear the raspy whisper of the other man.

"They won't let me in without a tie..."



Submitted November 16, 2017 at 10:49AM by 006ramit

Fingers are very reliable

You can always count on them



Submitted November 16, 2017 at 11:45AM by n1had

Why were the star wars movies released 4, 5, 6, 1, 2, 3, 7, 8?

In charge of planning Yoda was.



Submitted November 16, 2017 at 11:32AM by _Fleegle79_

Why are people complaining,what EA did was great!

I mean, you've got to give them credit.



Submitted November 16, 2017 at 11:25AM by Dan_ward03

Know the difference between toilet paper and toast?

Toast is brown on both sides.



Submitted November 16, 2017 at 12:51PM by mousecondiment

How did the triangle kill itself?

It used a hypotenuse.



Submitted November 16, 2017 at 09:46AM by greenpeppers100

Why is a blowjob, like the military?

The closer you get to a discharge, the better you feel.



Submitted November 16, 2017 at 07:07AM by saburling

Why does Ireland have the fastest growing economy in the world?

Because its capital is Dublin all the time!



Submitted November 16, 2017 at 09:45AM by ThunderFuckMountain

I've never left the country before

But I did get to see the leaning tower of pizza.



Submitted November 16, 2017 at 10:45AM by chreestay

Why did the cowboy adopt a miniature dachshund?

Because he wanted to get a long lil doggie.



Submitted November 16, 2017 at 09:03AM by chickinkyiv

How does Moses make his coffee?

Hebrews it.



Submitted November 16, 2017 at 10:49AM by Bible_Bitchboy

Why did the old man fall in the well?

because he couldn't see that well



Submitted November 16, 2017 at 11:04AM by IrelandIsMyAmerica

Today i have met the vegetarian brother of Bruce Lee

Brocco Lee



Submitted November 16, 2017 at 08:45AM by BenderDeLorean

Husband on second day of marriage :-

He went to the makeup artist who did his wife's bridal make up, and gifted her a beautifully packed iphone X box.

Make up artist opened the box with great happiness but was suddenly depressed to see a Nokia 1100.

Husband smiled and said "same feeling I had when I saw my wife this morning"



Submitted November 16, 2017 at 06:53AM by flow0788

I could never work an early shift at a funeral home

I'm just not a mourning person



Submitted November 16, 2017 at 09:14AM by GoodStevening

TIL crocodiles can grow 20 feet and be 2,000 pounds

But most only have 4 feet and are less expensive.



Submitted November 16, 2017 at 08:26AM by jlhc55

What is the name of Harrison Ford's brother?

Balddad Toyota



Submitted November 16, 2017 at 06:54AM by Moistsofas

You would think that drilling a hole would be fun...

...but it's really just boring



Submitted November 16, 2017 at 06:52AM by tomholder

Did you know that Jesus drove a Honda, but didn't like to talk about it?

He always said "for I do not speak of my own Accord"



Submitted November 16, 2017 at 06:24AM by clearkryptonite

I went into the local library and asked if they had any books on the Titanic...

"Oh yes, quite a few." the librarian said.

"Sorry to hear that!" I said laughing. "They'll all be ruined by now!"



Submitted November 16, 2017 at 05:28AM by madazzahatter

Why’d the cookie go to the hospital?

He was feeling crummy



Submitted November 16, 2017 at 02:13AM by ThisIsRhoda

To the man that stole my camouflage jacket...

You can't run, but you can hide!



Submitted November 15, 2017 at 10:42PM by ThomasTheWarpEngine

Does working for UPS...

...make you a professional boxer?



Submitted November 16, 2017 at 03:40AM by madazzahatter

Did you hear about the optometrist...

...who fell into a lens grinder and made a spectacle of himself?



Submitted November 16, 2017 at 03:43AM by madazzahatter

The high school music teacher was quite controversial because...

He told his students to read band books.



Submitted November 16, 2017 at 03:44AM by madazzahatter

With copper unavailable...

...continued operation of the mint would make no cents.



Submitted November 16, 2017 at 03:46AM by madazzahatter

In ancient Egypt...

...papyrus farmers taught people the importance of reeding.



Submitted November 16, 2017 at 03:48AM by madazzahatter

My wife and I did it Doggy Style last night...

I sat up and begged, and she rolled over and played dead.



Submitted November 15, 2017 at 06:42PM by jseyfer

100 years ago everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars.

Today everyone has a car and only the rich have horses.

Oh how the stables have turned.



Submitted November 15, 2017 at 09:19PM by devilsdontsleep

Wednesday, November 15, 2017

The Man With 5 Penises

Did you hear about the man with 5 penises? His underwear fits like a glove.



Submitted November 15, 2017 at 10:20PM by phillydog1

Dad holds baby son.

Baby smiles and starts to coo.

“Hai ku, I am dad.”



Submitted November 15, 2017 at 11:17PM by bigjuicymelons

What's the difference between EA and my uncle?

My uncle didn't take my money when he fucked me.



Submitted November 15, 2017 at 10:24PM by OliverWotei

My wife is weird...

She starts every conversation with "Are you listening to me?"



Submitted November 15, 2017 at 08:20PM by micronerd01

Why do Italians like sharp angles?

Because they're acute



Submitted November 15, 2017 at 11:33PM by Jthamano

What do you call a line of watches?

A timeline



Submitted November 15, 2017 at 07:22PM by tarleton99

I thought up if this last week

What do you call it when a Jehovah Witness works out?

Jehovah Fitness



Submitted November 15, 2017 at 08:29PM by Acadias511

I told my psychiatrist that I've been hearing voices in my head.

He told me that I don't have a psychiatrist.



Submitted November 15, 2017 at 04:27PM by 09astro27nm

Why do SCUBA divers rolls backwards out of boats?

Because if they rolled forwards they would still be in the boat.



Submitted November 15, 2017 at 07:57PM by Harry_Flugelman

A farmhand hits a pig with his truck

A farmhand is driving around the farm, checking the fences. After a few minutes he radios his boss and says, "Boss, I've got a problem. I hit a pig on the road and he's stuck in the bull-bars of my truck. He's still wriggling. What should I do?"

"In the back of your truck there's a shotgun. Shoot the pig in the head and when it stops wriggling you can pull it out and throw it in a bush." The farm worker says okay and signs off.

About 10 minutes later he radios back. "Boss I did what you said, I shot the wiggling pig and dragged it out and threw it in a bush."

"So what's the problem now?" his Boss snapped. "The blue light on his motorcycle is still flashing!"



Submitted November 15, 2017 at 01:10PM by SillyFlyGuy

Why do birds fly south in the Fall?

Because it's too far to walk...



Submitted November 15, 2017 at 05:30PM by Taylordprints

Be careful about drink driving on the run-up to Christmas...

Be careful about drink driving as we are getting close to Christmas and police are out checking on people. Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another and I had a few too many Guinness and then went on to red wine. Not a good idea.

Knowing I was over the limit I decided to leave my car at the bar and took a bus home, I passed the police check point, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breath tests, Because I was in a bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and no accident, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a bus before and I am not even sure where I got it from.



Submitted November 15, 2017 at 04:51PM by dankpancakez

Black Friday is coming up, so remember Retail language:

"Need help finding a size?" = Please stop fucking up my display

"I can put that back for you" = you're going to fuck up my display

"Let me hold your items for you" = So you dont leave this somewhere and fuck up a display



Submitted November 15, 2017 at 02:07PM by Krustykrab420

Why don't blind people eat fish?

Because they can't seafood



Submitted November 15, 2017 at 03:55PM by megalodon7944

The National Institute of Father's database was hacked into last night and all their jokes were stolen...

...it was the worst dada breach in its history.



Submitted November 15, 2017 at 04:07PM by KingJohnHenry

why was the broom late?

it overswept!



Submitted November 15, 2017 at 04:47PM by BOOBOO1999

What stores have the most problems?

Shoe stores. They always have ten issues.



Submitted November 15, 2017 at 04:51PM by KillaKev253

I spent a bunch of time in the gym trying to look like Chris Hemsworth.

It worked. Afterwards, I was pretty Thor.



Submitted November 15, 2017 at 02:29PM by buckeyespud

If poultry was money, would we call it Chicken Tender?

No text found

Submitted November 15, 2017 at 01:50PM by greencaptain

Daddy, what are those two spiders doing," she asked?

Daddy, what are those two spiders doing," she asked? "They're mating," her father replied. "What do you call the spider on top," she asked? "A Daddy Longlegs," her father answered. "So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs," the little girl asked? As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he replied, "No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs. The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then lifted her foot and stomped them flat. "Well," she said, "that may be OK in California, but we're not having any of that crap here in Texas."



Submitted November 15, 2017 at 10:54AM by tumiamie

What's an alcoholics favorite book?

Tequila mockingbird



Submitted November 15, 2017 at 01:09PM by SueDiscroded

A naked woman robbed a bank..

No one could remember her face.



Submitted November 15, 2017 at 10:26AM by 212Funny

What do Hitler and EA have in common?

You are missing the Punchline Pack. Please purchase the Reddit Season Pass to reveal missing content



Submitted November 15, 2017 at 10:01AM by cgars42

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce

and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"

She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."

"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"

"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.

"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"

"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."

He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"

"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."

"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."

"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"

"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"

"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me!"



Submitted November 15, 2017 at 08:14AM by kathy_007

Told my girlfriend that my mom is deaf so speak very loud and very slow...

...Told my mom that my girlfriend is retarded.



Submitted November 15, 2017 at 11:45AM by hagolu

I used to have a job at a calendar factory but I got the sack because I took a couple of days off.

No text found

Submitted November 15, 2017 at 10:00AM by Kaylala365

There's a new machine that lets dads experience the pain of child birth...

There's this new machine that lets fathers experience the pain of child birth. A couple tried it out...

On the 25% setting the husband didn't feel anything even though the mother's pain eased.

Surprised, they turn it up to 50%. The wife felt less pain and amazingly the husband felt nothing.

The machine was turned up to 100% and the mother gave a pain-free birth to two beautiful twins.

They returned home the next day to find the mailman dead in the front yard.



Submitted November 15, 2017 at 11:53AM by gr8sk8

I went to an Art Gallery, it was $60 to enter and $80 to look at each picture.

It was called Electronic Arts.



Submitted November 15, 2017 at 06:12AM by BadGuyCraig

What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo?

One’s really heavy, and one’s a little lighter.



Submitted November 15, 2017 at 09:10AM by DeonShowerhandle

Mid-No Shave November, my wife told me she actually likes the way I look with a beard.

I told her, "Yeah, it's growing on me."



Submitted November 15, 2017 at 07:39AM by Bluedit5

What did the author say when he finally finished the science fiction novel he had been working on for the past 5 years?

It's about time.



Submitted November 15, 2017 at 07:05AM by im_not_a_writer

What would happen if two African countries get in a war?

A 3rd World War.



Submitted November 15, 2017 at 06:33AM by mihirgoswami187

Why was the lawyer broke?

She kept giving away free trials.



Submitted November 15, 2017 at 08:50AM by ScottyNuttz

Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?

But most have 4



Submitted November 15, 2017 at 07:28AM by Ericmc80

My young son asked me what letter marriage ends with.

I said 'Dear John'



Submitted November 15, 2017 at 08:07AM by eltegs

Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.

Me: I'd rather not... I kinda want this job.



Submitted November 15, 2017 at 05:09AM by nitz21

What did the Canadian eagle say?

"I'm soary"



Submitted November 15, 2017 at 06:55AM by KalaiProvenheim

Fella with psoriasis goes into a pub and orders a bacon sandwich.

Barman says, sorry we don't serve rashers in here.



Submitted November 15, 2017 at 05:31AM by eltegs

What do you call it when two transgender midgets have sex?

Micro trans-action



Submitted November 15, 2017 at 01:38AM by Kappa-Spock

How do you know how heavy a red hot chili pepper is?

Give it a weigh, give a weigh, give it a weigh now...



Submitted November 15, 2017 at 05:39AM by madazzahatter

Wanna know why opinionated rhymes with onionated?

Cause if you're either people hate you



Submitted November 15, 2017 at 03:27AM by danieleyebrows

A Russian, a Mexican, and a Korean all show up to a construction site and get hired.

The boss says that for their first day on the job, the Russian is in charge of concrete, the Mexican is in charge of wood, and the Korean is in charge of supplies.

The boss then leaves and comes back a few hours later to check up on his new workers.

He walks over the Russian, and all the concrete mix is stacked up nice and orderly. The boss tells him "great work!" and moves on.

He walks up to the Mexican and sees that al the wood is stacked in a perfect pile, so he says "wonderful job!" and moves on.

He then looks around and sees that the Korean is missing, and supplies are everywhere. Out of nowhere, the Korean jumps out from behind a pile of dirt and yells "SUPPLIES!"



Submitted November 14, 2017 at 10:57PM by Eristic37

Tuesday, November 14, 2017

What kind of person wears two watches at once?

Someone with too much time on their hands.

(Thanks dad, love you)



Submitted November 15, 2017 at 02:04AM by Rezanator11

What did the child say when he hit his knee?

Ow, my kidney.



Submitted November 14, 2017 at 04:19PM by Zenniverse

My boss touched me inappropriately at work today

But it's okay, i'm self-employed



Submitted November 14, 2017 at 10:34PM by hansoloburgerz

What do you call a cow that just gave birth?

Decaffeinated



Submitted November 14, 2017 at 05:43PM by aurrutia214

Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?

Ask your mother.



Submitted November 14, 2017 at 08:44PM by Sloppy_Anus

My 1st grader got home from school and asked me

"Dad, is 'hell' a bad word?"

And I told him, "Yes, that's a very bad word. You shouldn't even know about that word. Don't be saying that word, ok?"

My son agreed to not say it, but then asked, "But hello isn't a bad word, right?"

So I had to explain to him that "hell" and and "hello" were two different words with completely different meanings.

A few days later I got a call from his teacher saying I needed to have a conversation with my son concerning his language. She said my son won't stop saying "shitto"

Edit: This is actually a true story that my co-worker told me about her friend's son!



Submitted November 14, 2017 at 03:58PM by NerdBag

RIP boiled water...

You will be mist.



Submitted November 14, 2017 at 12:53PM by lucas_powerglove

Wanna hear a dirty joke?

A pig fell in the mud.



Submitted November 14, 2017 at 06:50PM by Taylordprints

My niece picked up a stuffed animal recently.

It was a cat inside a banana peel. She kept going on and on about "It's so cute." I asked her "So you're telling me it has appeal?" I think a part of her died at that.



Submitted November 14, 2017 at 04:54PM by alf-was-here

The funniest joke I've heard happen organically.

I was sat in front of a couple I didn't know on the bus who were arguing. The girl was asking why the guy never made more of an effort romantically, but he's saying that it doesn't come naturally to him to make these big gestures. She keeps angrily saying he needs to be more spontaneous.

He says "I'm a guy, I can't just turn it on like a tap."

She says "Force it!"

He says "Fine, I can't just turn it on like a faucet".

Unsurprisingly, this didn't help. Neither did it help that the guy in front of them cracked up and turned around for a high five.



Submitted November 14, 2017 at 04:48PM by spideyismywingman

I would like to apologize about some jokes I told about Lebron James yesterday.

He is one of the greatest basketball players in the world. It is okay though, I think it was all over his head.



Submitted November 14, 2017 at 04:49PM by jayandquita

So the CEO of EA walks into a bar..

"I'll have a beer" he says, exasperated from the recent PR firestorm.

"That'll be $1" answers the barman.

"Woah" replies the CEO, "That's great value!"

"Sure is." the barman replies. "Would you like a glass with that?"



Submitted November 14, 2017 at 12:51PM by HydroTendonMan

What do you call a cow that can’t produce milk?

An udder failure



Submitted November 14, 2017 at 03:03PM by hotfatdogs

Comedian Jeff Dunham has been accused of sexual assault

after allegations from his coworkers saying that he's been fisting them for decades.



Submitted November 14, 2017 at 01:53PM by Phreekahow

All we need now is for someone to come forward and say EA has been sexually harassing them

Actually, that applies to all of us. They've been fucking us for years.



Submitted November 14, 2017 at 10:24AM by U4iA_

Flying food

My wife doesn't like it when I bring food on a flight, as she thinks it's rude to the people around us. So I grabbed a single donut for our last flight, and when she reminded me that she felt it was inappropriate, I simply pointed out that this is what it was made for. After all, "it's a plane donut."



Submitted November 14, 2017 at 01:13PM by PoorKidstoys

Yesterday, I was bagging my customer's groceries...

When I asked, "Is it okay if I bag the box of spinach with the toothpaste?" She then asked, "Sure, does it matter?"

I then replied, "No, I'm just worried your spinach might turn into mint."

She didn't get the joke, but her husband did.



Submitted November 14, 2017 at 11:57AM by pizzaslayer24

6 Dwarfs were in a hot tub feeling happy

So happy got out



Submitted November 14, 2017 at 11:57AM by mangosmakemesick

What's the difference between a well-dressed bicyclist and a poorly dressed unicyclist?

Attire.



Submitted November 14, 2017 at 11:37AM by mellowgang__

Brought a girl home from a bar last night and after we went down on each other for a while I slipped on a condom. Suddenly, she looked me dead in the eyes and demanded either forty more minutes of foreplay, or that I drop down and give her 100 pushups. When I asked why she said

"The idea is to provide you with a sense of pride and accomplishment for unlocking different holes."



Submitted November 14, 2017 at 07:44AM by gooberdude

Met a prostitute who said she'll do anything for $50...

Guess who just got Darth Vader unlocked...



Submitted November 14, 2017 at 10:10AM by _chaddi_

I have come to the realization that I am, in fact, a man trapped inside a woman's body…

In retrospect, I probably shouldn’t have put the lube next to the glue…



Submitted November 14, 2017 at 04:33AM by madazzahatter

I have lots of jokes about unemployed people

but none of them work.



Submitted November 14, 2017 at 06:20AM by Freighttrain_WTF

While picking up a turkey for this Thanksgiving, I overheard this gem.

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys, but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.

She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"

The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they’re dead."



Submitted November 14, 2017 at 08:14AM by Taylordprints

While picking up a turkey for this Thanksgiving, I overheard this gem.

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys, but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.

She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"

The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they’re dead."



Submitted November 14, 2017 at 10:28AM by Taylordprints

Have you heard they found a dead guy with his head buried in corn flakes?

The police believed it was a cereal killer.



Submitted November 14, 2017 at 09:49AM by plethoric_individual

Roy Moore ordered a 12 year old Scotch.

She didn't like it.



Submitted November 14, 2017 at 09:15AM by RancidLemons

Did you hear about the Egyptian atheist?

He was in DeNile



Submitted November 14, 2017 at 08:39AM by kovehshteeble

"It's a boy", David shouted, "It's a BOY!" With tears rolling down his eyes, David came running out of the room.

And never visited Bangkok again.



Submitted November 14, 2017 at 05:48AM by OmniscientRETARD

What key won’t open any door?

A turkey, of course!



Submitted November 14, 2017 at 08:23AM by Taylordprints

A handful of short Thanksgiving Jokes I put together that are worthy for any dad to repeat this upcoming holiday.

Why did the police arrest the turkey?

They suspected fowl play.

What would you get if you crossed a turkey with a ghost?

A poultrygeist!

Why did the turkey cross the road twice?

To prove he wasn’t a chicken!

What key won’t open any door?

A turkey!

If you call a large turkey a gobbler what do you call a small one?

Goblet.

Fruit comes from a fruit tree, so where does turkey come from?

A poul-tree.

What happens when you’re too harsh on the cranberries and make them sad?

They turn into blueberries.

What kind of cars would pilgrims drive today?

Plymouth.



Submitted November 14, 2017 at 08:33AM by Taylordprints

Where does Saddam Hussein have his breakfast?

Where Tariq Aziz



Submitted November 14, 2017 at 06:32AM by obh36

My son was doing his homework, when he asked me, “Dad, what's the chemical formula for water?”

I said, “HIJKLMNO.”

He asked, “What're you talking about?!”

I responded, “Well, it’s H to O!”



Submitted November 14, 2017 at 04:28AM by madazzahatter

Today I gave a student detention for being tardy

I was then fired from my job as a special ed. teacher



Submitted November 13, 2017 at 09:17PM by giraffedog123

Monday, November 13, 2017

Okay, let's keep it a hundred.

I have two x's.



Submitted November 14, 2017 at 12:26AM by Bonanza86

What animal is best equipped to go swimming?

Elephants because they always have their trunks with them.



Submitted November 13, 2017 at 09:10PM by pompzi

I kind of understand where anti-vaxxers coming from.

They were surely vaccinated as children, and look how retarded they turned out to be.



Submitted November 13, 2017 at 08:59PM by MathTheUsername

Knew someone who tried to make it through airport security with a cat in their carry-on.

TSA agent asked him, "Sir, are you aware you have a cat in here?"

And he said "Well don't let the cat out of the bag!".



Submitted November 13, 2017 at 10:05PM by Joelmeyer1221

What do you call a doctor who’s allergic to surgery?

Anes-sneeze-iologist



Submitted November 13, 2017 at 07:46PM by Drake_Pancake

My doctor told me to ejaculate in a jar and bring it in the next day...

So I come back the next day with an empty jar. "What happened?" The doctor asked.

"Well," I reply. "I tried with my right hand, then my left hand, but it didn't work. So my wife tried with her left hand, then her right hand, then her mouth, but it didn't work. So then my neighbor tried with her right hand, then her left hand, then in between her legs, but it STILL didn't work!"

"You asked your neighbor?!?" The doctor exclaimed.

"Yea, I couldn't get the jar open."



Submitted November 13, 2017 at 04:17PM by karateflame2

EA's microtransaction policy is so bad that...

[This punchline is locked. Please pay 20,000 credits to unlock]



Submitted November 13, 2017 at 07:28PM by Eggs_and_Rice