Tuesday, September 26, 2017

If you're having trouble getting a job, do some work on a farm

Companies love it when you have field experience



Submitted September 26, 2017 at 01:52PM by FascinatedBox

What do you call a 17 y/o that stops aging?

Constantine



Submitted September 26, 2017 at 01:50PM by Wherearemylegs

Which part of a race car ruins your movie?

Spoiler.



Submitted September 26, 2017 at 01:19PM by Wormri

My hot lesbian neighbours got me a Rolex for my birthday

It's nice, but I think they misunderstood me when I said, "I wanna watch"



Submitted September 26, 2017 at 08:45AM by Ic0nSeC

Sometimes i just sit & run my fingers thru my wife’s hair.

It's a nice way to tell her i love her.

And also that we're outta napkins.



Submitted September 26, 2017 at 06:36AM by rumblefish65

This next song is about subtraction...

"Take it away boys!"



Submitted September 26, 2017 at 06:50AM by madazzahatter

Why do fish hate going to court?

Because they're always found gill-ty



Submitted September 26, 2017 at 01:20PM by SleepyMarshmellow

My Uncle always said "Do something you love and you'll never work a day in your life!"

He did heroin



Submitted September 26, 2017 at 07:50AM by thepriceofaslave

How can you tell if an orange is male or female?

If it squirts in your eye without warning it's a male. If it's bitter for no fucking reason, it's a female.



Submitted September 26, 2017 at 10:46AM by wackoclown

Where does poor pasta live?

The spaghetto.



Submitted September 26, 2017 at 09:02AM by Bill_Franklyn

Flat Earthers

It's funny making a flat earth beliver angry, but if you push them over the edge then you're only proving them right.



Submitted September 26, 2017 at 06:07AM by spbslinky

Yesterday I accidentally sent a naked picture of myself to everyone in my address book

Not only was it embarrassing, but it cost a fortune in stamps.



Submitted September 26, 2017 at 08:16AM by Slats7

I fell asleep with my phone under the pillow last night and when I woke up, it was gone and there was a dollar bill in its place...

Must have been the Bluetooth fairy!



Submitted September 26, 2017 at 06:45AM by madazzahatter

What did the musician name his three daughters?

Anna 1

Anna 2

Anna 3

  • Spicoli's Morning Fiasco


Submitted September 26, 2017 at 08:10AM by HiddinPlainsite

We, men, do have good memory..

A couple were Christmas shopping. The shopping center was packed , and as the wife walked through one of the malls she was surprised when she looked around to find that her husband was nowhere to be seen.

She was quite upset because they had a lot to do and she became so worried that she called him on her mobile phone to ask him where he was.

In a quiet voice he said, "Do you remember the jewelers we went into about five years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we couldn't afford, and I told you that I would get it for you one day?"

The wife choked up and started to cry and said, "Yes, I do remember that shop."

He replied, "Well, I'm in the bar next door."



Submitted September 26, 2017 at 06:27AM by PuppieWayne

A gay couple named Neal and Bob are traveling on a plane

"What if we had sex?" asks Neal.

"Are you crazy? Here, on the plane? It would be awkward, everyone would watch us doing it..."

"Nobody is even paying attention to anything. Look!"

Neal stands up and asks loudly:

"Could I have a pencil, please?"

Nobody gives a damn. Everyone is sleeping, reading, looking out the window, etc.

"They really wouldn't care then, would they?" says Bob.

So Neal and Bob have wild sex on the plane.

Later, when the plane arrives to the airport and the people are leaving, the stewardess sees an old man who threw up all over his shirt, even his pants are soaking in the filth.

"Sir, you should've asked for a bag!"

"I didn't dare" whispers the old man. "A few rows ahead I saw a man asking for a pencil and he got fucked in the ass..."



Submitted September 26, 2017 at 08:13AM by Slats7

Know why geese kill more humans every year than sharks?

Because it's really hard for geese to kill sharks.

Seriously though, fuck geese.



Submitted September 25, 2017 at 09:14PM by Rootkit9208

How do bats find a home?

Echo location location location



Submitted September 26, 2017 at 06:01AM by Bobblepie

What the hell happened to this sub?

I haven't read any good dad jokes in forever!



Submitted September 26, 2017 at 07:02AM by nouareallallleft

My wife asked me to stop singing Wonder wall to her

I said maybe



Submitted September 26, 2017 at 06:12AM by Deeman_27

Guy : Doctor, my Girlfriend is pregnant but we always use protection and the rubber never broke. How is it possible?

Doctor : Let me tell you a story: "There was once a Hunter who always carried a gun wherever he went. One day he took out his Umbrella instead of his Gun and went out. A Lion suddenly jumped infront of him. In order to scare the Lion, the Hunter used the Umbrella like a Gun, and shot the Lion, then it died!

Guy : Nonsense! Someone else must have shot the Lion..

Doctor : Good! You understood the story. Next patient please..



Submitted September 26, 2017 at 05:19AM by Croxsy

This next song is about subtraction...

"Take it away boys!"



Submitted September 26, 2017 at 06:49AM by madazzahatter

I fell asleep with my phone under the pillow last night and when I woke up, it was gone and there was a dollar bill in its place...

Must have been the Bluetooth fairy!



Submitted September 26, 2017 at 06:46AM by madazzahatter

I just found my old Nokia and connected it with my power bank.

The power bank is now fully charged again.



Submitted September 25, 2017 at 04:32PM by justhereforoneday

Ill call you later. Don't call me later, call me Dad.

No text found

Submitted September 26, 2017 at 04:03AM by Botatitsbest

"Did you like Ice Age?"

"Yes!"

"I didn't know you were that old!"



Submitted September 26, 2017 at 05:34AM by HabitualGibberish

Do you want to see Kate Middleton topless?



Submitted September 26, 2017 at 02:49AM by mrfurious_1

What is the Spanish karate instructors favorite move?

El Chopo



Submitted September 25, 2017 at 10:05PM by LovinAffection

What did the mama cow say to her calf?

It's pasture bedtime.



Submitted September 25, 2017 at 11:35PM by SSBoe

What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?

beer nuts cost a few dollars, but deer nuts are just under a buck.



Submitted September 25, 2017 at 10:26PM by snbuv

Two little kids are in hospital beds next to each other.

The first kid leans over and asks, What are you in here for?

The second kid says, I’m in here to get my tonsils out and I’m a little nervous.”

The first kid says,“You’ve got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of jelly and ice-cream. It’s a breeze.

Cool, says the second kid.“What are you in here for?“

A circumcision.”

Whoa! exclaims the second kid. Good luck, mate. I had that done just after I was born and I couldn’t walk for a year.



Submitted September 25, 2017 at 03:41PM by goosthunter

Monday, September 25, 2017

I have a dog named Devil.

Yesterday, Devil bit me. It hurt like hell.



Submitted September 25, 2017 at 09:30PM by GoldE77

My boss hates it when I shorten his name to Dick,

Especially since his name is Steve.



Submitted September 25, 2017 at 04:15PM by Taylor-it

I started getting death threats after wearing paper towels for a hat...

Apparently there's a Bounty on my head



Submitted September 25, 2017 at 08:01PM by ZeLittleMan

The doctor asked me how I'd feel about having an extra chromosome.

I told him I'd be 100% down with that.



Submitted September 25, 2017 at 11:33AM by jt372

A woman gets up in the morning

wakes up her husband and says: - Honey, I had a wonderful dream. I dreamed you gave me a diamond necklace for my birthday. What does it mean? The husband answers: - You'll know it on your birthday. The wife's birthday arrives and the husband enters the house with a package in his hand. The woman, excited, takes it from her hands, tears the paper nervously, quickly opens the box and finds a book titled: "The meaning of dreams."



Submitted September 25, 2017 at 01:38PM by chucho89

My friend has been a limo driver for 20 years and has never had a customer.

All this time and nothing to Chauffeur it.



Submitted September 25, 2017 at 05:36PM by Scottish_Hot_Rod

At a funeral

Me: "Do you mind if I say a word?"
Widow: "Please do."
Me: clears throat "Plethora."
Widow: "Thank you. That means a lot."



Submitted September 25, 2017 at 03:02PM by SnuggleMeister

What did the cheese say when he didn't study for his test?

I hope I won't be grated!



Submitted September 25, 2017 at 06:33PM by bruce_oat

Don't fall off a skateboard with a guitar.

You could break your neck.



Submitted September 25, 2017 at 07:44PM by illegal_tacos

My girlfriend and I went on our 9th date to see the new Batman film. Our dates can be summarized as followed:

Dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, BATMAN



Submitted September 25, 2017 at 03:35PM by GOLDEN_LAD

What noise does the number eight make when it's in a great mood?

Grrrrr



Submitted September 25, 2017 at 04:28PM by Merlin_Kush

My wife has been at a baby shower for 4 hours.

How long does it take to clean a baby!??



Submitted September 25, 2017 at 02:31PM by arthritictongue

I asked my wife to help me pick out some new music on Spotify.

She gave me some sound advice.



Submitted September 25, 2017 at 04:54PM by lucidus_somniorum

Who would win if the American President debated the British Prime Minister?

After all, Trump may trump May, or May may trump Trump



Submitted September 25, 2017 at 11:21AM by James__K__Polk

Why did the scarecrow get a promotion?

He was outstanding in his field.



Submitted September 25, 2017 at 12:10PM by JohnnyNooo

Boyfriend: I’ve come to ask for your daughter’s hand in marriage.

Dad: You’ve got to take all of her or it’s no deal.



Submitted September 25, 2017 at 01:49PM by BattleRoyaleWtCheese

This is my Step Ladder

I never knew my Real Ladder



Submitted September 25, 2017 at 12:26PM by PinappleGecko

I found a cure for my wife's insomnia...

All I have to do is express a desire to have sex with her and immediately she is too tired to do anything but sleep.



Submitted September 25, 2017 at 11:19AM by REAL-Jesus-Christ

A man goes to the store to get some dog food.

He grabs a bag and heads to the the counter. The clerk apologizes, and informs him that he needs to have his dog with him to be able to purchase it.

"You mean I have to go all the way back home and get my dirty ass dog in my truck, and bring him all the way back here just to get some dog food?"

Again, the clerk apologizes and tells him that's just the policy. So, he goes and gets his dog then purchases the dog food.

A few days later, he comes back to get cat food. The clerk informs him they have the same policy for cats.

"Dammit, my barn cat hates people, do I really have to go back home and and get my face and hands all scratched up trying to catch him just so I can get some cat food?"

The clerk again apologies, and says he going to have to do that.

The next day the same man shows up to the store with a bag and puts it on the counter. The clerk asks what it is, and the man tells him to reach in and find out. The clerk puts his hand in, then quickly pulls it back out.

"AGH! IS THAT SHIT IN THE BAG?"

"Yes it is, I would like 6 rolls of toilet paper please."



Submitted September 25, 2017 at 09:02AM by Ap100011

I have Abs

olutely wasted my gym membership.



Submitted September 25, 2017 at 04:23AM by imran-shaikh

Did you hear about the butcher who backed into his saw?

He got a little behind in his business.



Submitted September 25, 2017 at 11:47AM by lepew13

What do a call a parking lot that has been flooded?

Car pool!



Submitted September 25, 2017 at 09:47AM by MufasaReborn91

Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?

Teacher: "If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?" Johnny: "Seven." Teacher: "No, listen carefully... If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?" Johnny: "Seven." Teacher: "Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?" Johnny: "Six." Teacher: "Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?" Johnny: "Seven!" Teacher: "Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!" Johnny: "Because I've already got a freaking cat!"



Submitted September 25, 2017 at 08:12AM by supercoooldudewithab

A Mom is driving a little girl to her friends house for a play date.

"Mommy," the little girl asks, "How old are you?"

"Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother warns.

"It is not polite."

"OK," the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?"

"Now really," the mother says, "These are personal questions and are really none of your business."

Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and daddy get a divorce?"

"Those are enough questions, honestly!"

The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

"My Mom wouldn't tell me anything," the little girl says to her friend.

"Well," said the friend, "All you need to do is look at her drivers license.

It's like a report card; it has everything on it."

Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are, you are 32."

The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?"

"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds."

The mother is past surprise and shock now.

"How in heaven's name did you find that out?"

"And," the little girl says triumphantly, "I know why you and daddy got a divorce."

"Oh really?" the mother asks.

"Why?"

"Because you got an F in sex.



Submitted September 25, 2017 at 05:36AM by crash200300

When does a joke become a dad joke?

When the joke becomes apparent



Submitted September 25, 2017 at 09:26AM by chipppofftheolblock

What do you call a disabled fish?

Handicarped



Submitted September 25, 2017 at 08:37AM by Craniac3

What do you call a threesome in an oasis?

A Mirage à trois.



Submitted September 25, 2017 at 08:19AM by spaza511

Where does a dog go when it loses its tail?

the retail store



Submitted September 25, 2017 at 08:10AM by DreamsD351GN

What do you get if you drop a piano on a child?

A flat minor



Submitted September 25, 2017 at 04:47AM by JonnyTNT4

Scientists finally found out, how much sleep humans exactly need:

just five more minutes



Submitted September 25, 2017 at 03:35AM by danielsoft1

I was telling my friend Ted about a drug dependent acquaintance, who always comes off as rude. I told my friend:

“He is a dick, Ted.”



Submitted September 25, 2017 at 05:03AM by Inkuu

I asked my daughter to help me because I'm having trouble downloading the Titanic soundtrack album onto my phone...

It just keeps syncing...



Submitted September 25, 2017 at 06:05AM by madazzahatter

I bought a Saab from Neil Diamond on eBay...

Swede car online...



Submitted September 25, 2017 at 06:06AM by madazzahatter

Missing: $100 reward...

If you find it, you get a cat...



Submitted September 25, 2017 at 06:15AM by madazzahatter

A 7-year-old is sitting on a park bench eating a chocolate bar.

The man sitting next to him looks over and says, "Eating that many chocolate bars is bad for you."

The boy looks over and responds, "My great grandfather lived to be one hundred and five".

The man replies, "And he ate that much chocolate?"

"No" says the boy, "he minded his own fucking business."



Submitted September 25, 2017 at 05:12AM by jonespick

I have CDO.

It's a lot like OCD, but I've put it in alphabetical order.



Submitted September 25, 2017 at 03:52AM by potatostomach

Why did the lifeguard not rescue the hippy?

He was too far out man!



Submitted September 25, 2017 at 05:01AM by Bunit5

I'd really hate to cook flour and butter...

in fact, I'd roux the day



Submitted September 24, 2017 at 08:09PM by seashoreandhorizon

I'm a beekeeper. My 10yo son just got stung so I told him he's now part of the club.

I asked if it was a good club. "No" he said. "It bites."



Submitted September 24, 2017 at 11:14PM by potatostomach

Sunday, September 24, 2017

Edgar Allen Poe is about to walk into a tree and you only have enough time to say one word before he hits it. What should you say to him?

Poetry!



Submitted September 24, 2017 at 09:05PM by Thrift_Videos

True story

I went to return a T-Shirt to Banana Republic today. The item wasn't on my receipt so they asked me to swipe my credit card to see if they could find it in my purchase history.

Cashier: "Hmmm, that didn't work. Sir, would you mind re-swiping, I want to try your card again." Me: "It's a T-Shirt, not a cardigan" My 13 Year Old Son: 🙄



Submitted September 24, 2017 at 10:41PM by lukedogwalker90210

A pregnant woman is about to give birth.

The doctor has her on the delivery table, legs up in the stirrups.

Suddenly, he sees the top of a head push through.

Then the baby pops its head out and says to the doctor, “Are you my dad?”.

The doctor says, “No, I am your doctor!”.

With that, the baby pops right back inside.

“Damn!”, says the doctor.

A short while later he sees the head push through again.

“Are you my dad?”, asks the baby.

“No, I am your doctor.”, he replies.

Once again the baby vanishes back into his mother’s womb.

The doctor turns to a nurse and says, “Nurse, get that baby’s father in here right away–we may have a situation on our hands!”.

Moments later the baby’s father is in the delivery room, and the baby’s head once again pops out.

“Are you my dad?”, the baby asks of the father.

The father replies, “Yes, little baby, I am your father!”

The baby then reaches up and begins poking his father in the forehead with his index finger–”How do you like that?”



Submitted September 24, 2017 at 04:46PM by goosthunter

Sometimes I wonder how vegans survive off of what little they eat

Then I remember they feed off of attention.



Submitted September 24, 2017 at 09:21PM by Poegamer16

One day, Einstein has to go to an important science conference.

On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him:

"I'm sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!"

The driver agrees: "You're right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I could give the conference in your place."

"That's a great idea!" says Einstein. "Let's switch places then!"

So they switch clothes and as soon as they arrive, the driver dressed as Einstein goes on stage and starts giving the usual speech, while the real Einstein, dressed as the car driver, attends it.

But in the crowd, there is one scientist who wants to impress everyone and thinks of a very difficult question to ask Einstein, hoping he won't be able to respond. So this guy stands up and interrupts the conference by posing his very difficult question. The whole room goes silent, holding their breath, waiting for the response.

The driver looks at him, dead in the eye, and says :

"Sir, your question is so easy to answer that I'm going to let my driver reply to it for me."



Submitted September 24, 2017 at 12:52PM by aidenhen

What do you call a baby peacock?

A chickpea



Submitted September 24, 2017 at 09:10PM by PaxPaw

I asked a prostitute

"How Much For A Hand Job?"

Lady: "50..Do You Want One Honey?"

I: "No…No, it just makes me happy To Know How Much I Save When I Do It My Self"



Submitted September 24, 2017 at 03:47PM by debteb

It's happening everywhere

How many people have to die before we finally do something about falling pianos?



Submitted September 24, 2017 at 07:42PM by z0o0ya

Did you hear about the new restaurant on the moon?

Food is awesome but there's just no atmosphere



Submitted September 24, 2017 at 03:25PM by pokemasterflex

What's another name for inactive satellites orbiting earth?

A waste of space.



Submitted September 24, 2017 at 05:37PM by Wormri

My wife threatened to divorce me if I didn't stop making Linkin Park references

But in the end it doesn't even matter



Submitted September 24, 2017 at 05:38PM by MisterS42

A sandwich walks into the bar.

Bartender says “sorry, we don’t serve food here”.



Submitted September 24, 2017 at 03:23PM by HadeanKey

I gave all my dead batteries away today

Free of charge



Submitted September 24, 2017 at 02:51PM by NAP42O

I've tried calling Stephen Hawking many times

I keep getting his answering machine



Submitted September 24, 2017 at 12:12PM by supercoooldudewithab

The iPhone X removes the home button.

Meaning you'll be homeless on several different levels.



Submitted September 24, 2017 at 09:02AM by Floppydlop

Did you hear about the buddhist monk with a huge gambling problem?

He likes Tibet



Submitted September 24, 2017 at 01:25PM by DitMasterGoGo

I'm American, and I'm sick of people saying America is "the stupidest country in the world."

Personally, I think Europe is the stupidest country in the world.



Submitted September 24, 2017 at 09:11AM by drollia

Want to hear a Nirvana joke?

Nevermind.



Submitted September 24, 2017 at 08:25AM by appgrad22

Took my mom's sister to the bakery. She hated it.

She such a cross aunt.



Submitted September 24, 2017 at 11:46AM by PaxPaw

My dad said he once made a belt from watches...

Waist of time!



Submitted September 24, 2017 at 10:38AM by Bunit5

A homeless man enters a diner

He asks the waitress “What can a guy get for a dime?” “Not much, how about a glass of water?” says the waitress. “Sure, that will do.” The homeless man sits at the counter and starts drinking his water. He notices a cowboy sitting a couple seats down the counter with a big bowl of chili. The homeless man continues to drink his water. All the while the bowl remains uneaten. Finally the homeless man asks the cowboy. “Are you going to eat that chili?” “Nope, it’s yours if you want it” says the cowboy. The homeless man takes the bowl and begins eating. When he gets to the bottom of the bowl, he finds a dead mouse. The homeless man immediately throws up back into the bowl. The cowboy looks at him and says “Yep, same thing happened to me.”



Submitted September 24, 2017 at 04:33AM by dorothy244

How do cattle talk?

They CowMoonicate



Submitted September 24, 2017 at 07:54AM by Reddits_Worst_Night

My wife asked if olive green was too much.

I said a little green is good but not olive it.



Submitted September 24, 2017 at 12:55AM by Gapmasta

I witnessed the break up of an obese couple

I guess they didn't work out.



Submitted September 24, 2017 at 08:10AM by kuuhaku_blank

If they say girls like guys who can make them laugh,

Then I shouldn't be single because my life is a fucking joke.



Submitted September 24, 2017 at 07:25AM by the_walking_deadpool

What is Donald Trumps favourite type of clothing

Russian Ties



Submitted September 24, 2017 at 05:18AM by ImSrslyANoLife

An Italian funeral

A Jewish man was leaving a convenience store with his espresso when he noticed a most unusual Italian funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary Italian man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking in single file.

The Jewish man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the Italian man walking the dog and said: "I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen an Italian funeral like this. Whose funeral, is it?"

"My wife's."

''What happened to her?"

"She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her."

He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"

“My mother-in-law. She came to help my wife and the dog turned on her and killed her also."

It was a very poignant and touching moment of Jewish and Italian brotherhood. Silence passed between the two men.

The Jewish man then asked "Can I borrow the dog?"

The Italian man replied, "Get in line."



Submitted September 24, 2017 at 06:10AM by visionarygirl

I tried to fry an egg without utensils...

... it didn't pan out.



Submitted September 24, 2017 at 08:03AM by clearkryptonite

Life is about changing perspectives and priorities...

I used to worry if one of my hairs was out of place, now I don't care if they both are...



Submitted September 24, 2017 at 07:35AM by madazzahatter

Sadly, the days of people using proper English...

...are went...



Submitted September 24, 2017 at 07:44AM by madazzahatter

A Kung Fu student in ancient China goes to meet his wise old master...

A Kung Fu student in ancient China goes to meet his wise old master. He says:

"Master, I keep trying but I cannot do the Kick of a Thousand Exploding Suns. Help me Master!"

His master gives him an anecdote.

"Have you seen the waves of the ocean crashing into the white cliffs while the sun sets, with no apparent purpose to them?"

"Yes Master"

"And have you seen the moon reflect upon the still surface of the lake, a mere reflection, and contemplate the meaning of it?"

"Yes Master"

"And have you seen the flocks of birds flying across the sky at sunset, and wonder about their purpose in life?"

"Yes Master"

"That's your problem! You keep looking at useless shit instead of practicing!"



Submitted September 24, 2017 at 05:23AM by Just_a_random_man

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel on his pants.

The bartender says, "Hey, you've got a steering wheel on your pants." The pirate says, "Arrrr, I know. It's driving me nuts."



Submitted September 24, 2017 at 06:45AM by Vienty

I was hooked on auctions after only going once...

...going twice…



Submitted September 24, 2017 at 06:25AM by madazzahatter

I farted in an Apple store today and everyone yelled at me.

It's not my fault they don't have Windows.



Submitted September 24, 2017 at 03:02AM by Botatitsbest

I went to a pub last night

and saw a fat chick dancing on a table. I said, "Nice legs"

The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so"

I said "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now"



Submitted September 23, 2017 at 11:28PM by debteb

A farmer counted 196 cows in the field

But when he rounded them up, he had 200



Submitted September 23, 2017 at 06:14PM by dickfromaccounting

If Donald Trump wants to destroy North Korea...

Perhaps he should move there and become their leader.



Submitted September 24, 2017 at 12:29AM by MohamedShaban

Saturday, September 23, 2017

I deleted all the German contacts on my phone

now its Hans free



Submitted September 23, 2017 at 09:54PM by DongleLeaf

What must you wash your clothes in Tide?

Because it's too cold to wash them out-tide.



Submitted September 23, 2017 at 11:52PM by spacey-stacey

I love the way the earth rotates

It really makes my day



Submitted September 23, 2017 at 06:10PM by dudeisundead

I hate it when engineering students refer to themselves as engineers...

Like you don't see med students calling themselves doctors or arts students calling themselves unemployed.



Submitted September 23, 2017 at 05:53PM by BKNorton3

Hey. Guy who stole my thesaurus

You are a.. Bad person. And I hope.. Bad things happen to you.



Submitted September 23, 2017 at 09:27PM by crouch1ngmonkey

What does the owl say? (True story)

My wife and I are calling it a night and we hear an owl outside our window. After 15 mins, no more owl and it’s dead quite

My wife: thank God we can’t hear the owl anymore Me: Who? Wife: the owl Me: Who? Wife The OWL! Me: Who? Wife: ...groan go to bed Me: got her :)



Submitted September 23, 2017 at 06:59PM by lumpyrabbit

First-timer at the nudist colony

A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony....

On his first day there, he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection.

The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, 'Did you call for me?'

The man replies, 'No, what do you mean?'

She says, 'You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me.'

Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.

The man continues to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the sauna and, as he sits down, he farts...

Within minutes, a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam-room toward him, 'Did you call for me?' says the hairy man.

'No, what do you mean?' says the newcomer.

'You must be new,' says the hairy man, 'it's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me.' The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.

The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist, 'May I help you?' she says.

The man yells, 'Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the $500 membership fee.'

'But, Sir,' she replies, 'you've only been here for a few hours. You haven't had the chance to see all our facilities.'

The man replies, 'Listen lady, I'm 70 years old. I only get an erection once a month. I fart 35 times a day...



Submitted September 23, 2017 at 02:43PM by rumblefish65

How many black people does it take to start a riot?

Negative 1



Submitted September 23, 2017 at 12:26PM by rennok_

What did 0 say to 8?

Nice belt.



Submitted September 23, 2017 at 07:14PM by cromosapien

What does a vegan zombie crave?

Graaaaiiiinnnnssss



Submitted September 23, 2017 at 06:13PM by SpicyWings12

I never wanted to believe my dad was stealing things at his job as a road worker

But when I got home, all the signs were there



Submitted September 23, 2017 at 01:34PM by dickfromaccounting

My Dad drops this on me every time I lose anything.

I look everywhere for said object, dad walks in and has it in his hand and goes "Here, why don't you use this one while we look for the other one?"



Submitted September 23, 2017 at 05:06PM by asguardia

A young woman ...

A young New York woman was so depressed she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean.

Just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young man stopped her. "You have so much to live for," he said. "I'm a sailor and we are off to Italy tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy. When we get to Italy you will be SO GLAD you're alive"

With nothing to lose and always wanting to see Italy, she accepted.

That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the ship's hold.

From then on, every night, he would bring her sandwiches, a bottle of red wine, and make love to her until dawn.

Two weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.

"What are you doing here?" asked the captain.

"I have an arrangement with a sailor," she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Italy."

"I see," The captain says.

Then her conscience got the best of her, and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me."

"He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."



Submitted September 23, 2017 at 02:54PM by superchet

I beat my wife and she immediately divorced me.

Some people take Monopoly way too seriously.



Submitted September 23, 2017 at 10:55AM by zirtbow

I read an article about relaxation.

The article was alright but the author was very into-resting.



Submitted September 23, 2017 at 02:24PM by GraciousBassist

Dad: "I'm getting you a car for your birthday" - Daughter: "Nothing would please me more, daddy!"

Dad: Gets her nothing instead



Submitted September 23, 2017 at 01:20PM by SynterX

The husband and the wife were having dinner at a fancy restaurant

A few minutes later, the dinner was served.

Husband: The food looks great. Let's eat. Wife: But honey, you always say a prayer before eating at home. Husband: That's at home, sweetie. I'm sure the chef here knows how to cook.



Submitted September 23, 2017 at 11:06AM by MyPhallicObject

I failed my final exam on Greek mythology.

It's always been my Achilles elbow



Submitted September 23, 2017 at 11:51AM by James__K__Polk

The volume of a pizza with thickness a and radius z is

pi * z * z * a



Submitted September 23, 2017 at 09:39AM by One_Pizza_Joke

A 70 year old man went for a sperm test

The Doctor gave him a bottle to collect sperm.

The next day, the man came with the empty bottle and said he tried with his left hand then right hand. Then his wife tried with her left hand and right hand. Then his daughter-in-law tried with both hands & mouth. Then the neighbor's wife & daughter tried the same way..but could not open the damn bottle.



Submitted September 23, 2017 at 08:51AM by loonatictruth

A Vegan, an Atheist, and a Crossfitter walk into a bar...

I know because they all told me within 5 seconds



Submitted September 23, 2017 at 11:46AM by BoyerB4

A doctor was having an affair with his nurse

A doctor was having an affair with his nurse.

Shortly afterward, she told him she was pregnant.

Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there.

"But how will I let you know the baby is born?" she asked.

He replied, "Just send me a postcard and write 'spaghetti' on the back.

I'll take care of expenses."

Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy.

Six months went by and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office and explained, "Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means."

The doctor said, "Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you."

Later that evening, the doctor came home, read the postcard, fell to the floor with a heart attack. Paramedics rushed him to the ER.

The lead medic stayed back to comfort the wife.

He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest.

So the wife picked up the card and read, "'Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti - Two with sausage and meatballs, two without.'"



Submitted September 23, 2017 at 04:58AM by jonespick

If a blind girl ever tells you that

You have a big penis, she's probably just pulling your leg



Submitted September 23, 2017 at 07:36AM by owenthomas1989

My little boy just told me this one

What is a pirate's favorite food?

Map-a-roni and cheese!



Submitted September 23, 2017 at 09:41AM by zenmisfit

Thanks to conservation efforts, 9/14 Humpback populations are no longer endangered

I guess you could say they're doing pretty whale



Submitted September 23, 2017 at 09:15AM by naturtok

If you're a cannibal, you shouldn't show up late for dinner

Or else you'll get the cold shoulder.



Submitted September 23, 2017 at 09:13AM by SaturnV_

What is SEX?

A little boy returning home from his first day at school said to his mother, "Mom, what's sex?" His mother, who believed in all the most modern educational theories, gave him a detailed explanation, covering all aspects of the tricky subject. When she had finished, the little lad produced an enrollment form which he had brought home from school and said, "Yes, but how am I going to get all that into this one little square?"



Submitted September 23, 2017 at 03:50AM by maneeshrai13

Bad Math Grade

A little boy comes home from school and tells his father, "I got an F in math today." His father replies, "What happened?" The boy says, "Well, my teacher asked me, 'What's 3 times 2', and I said 6.'" The father replies, "Well, that's correct." The boy says, "I know. Then she asked me, 'What's 2 times 3.'" The father then replies, "What the fuck is the difference?" The boys says, "That's what I said!"



Submitted September 23, 2017 at 08:26AM by dazzlingedward

A woman was at a gas station filling her car with gas

A woman was at a gas station filling her car with gas. She inserted the nozzle and began filling the car with gas. As she waited for the car to fill, she lit a cigarette and began to smoke it. The car clicked to indicate it was full of gas, and she pulled the filler out of the car. Some gas leaked out of the filler onto her sweater arm, and a spark from the cigarette lit her arm on fire. The woman began to scream for help, and waved her arm about trying to put the fire out. A highway patrolman who happened to be nearby ran over and saw the woman flailing about in pain. Without hesitation, he pulled his handgun out of the holster and shot her three times. A few weeks later in court, the judge asked the patrolman why on earth he shot that woman? The patrolman answers, "well your honor, she was waving around a firearm!"



Submitted September 23, 2017 at 09:01AM by Dontdothisman66

To the person who stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you.

You have my Word.



Submitted September 23, 2017 at 09:13AM by trailgumby

"God bless Mommy, Daddy and Grammy. Goodbye Grampa."

One evening a father overheard his son saying his prayers "God bless Mommy, Daddy and Grammy. Goodbye Grampa."

Well, the father thought it was strange, but he soon forgot about it.

The next day, the Grandfather died.

A month later the father heard his sony saying prayers again: "God bless Mommy. God bless Daddy. Goodbye Grammy."

The next day the grandmother died.

Well, the father was getting more than a little woried about the whole situation.

One week later, the father once again overheard his sons prayers. "God Bless Mommy. Good bye Daddy."

This nearly gave the father a heart attack.

He didn’t say anything but he got up early to go to work, so that he would miss the traffic.

He stayed all through lunch and dinner.

Finally after midnight he went home.

He was still alive!

When he got home he appologised to his wife.

"I am sorry Honey. I had a very bad day at work today."

"You think you’ve had a bad day? YOU THINK YOU’VE HAD A BAD DAY!?" the wife yelled,

"The mailman dropped dead on my doorstep this morning!"



Submitted September 23, 2017 at 04:43AM by crash200300

People laugh at my car because it's ugly and green.

At least I avocado.



Submitted September 23, 2017 at 08:17AM by Magic147

How did the pornstar make dill bread?

With a Dill Dough.



Submitted September 23, 2017 at 07:00AM by mercinario

What is a sheep's favorite show?

Graze anatomy.



Submitted September 23, 2017 at 04:47AM by Karpish_the_smol

Two men are sitting in the cinema waiting for the movie to start

so they get bored with all the commercials and suddenly one of the two notices a bald guy in the middle of the front row. So he tells his friend '' 5 bucks if i go smash his head ? ''. The other guy curious about the outcome likes the idea so he agrees. The man stands up goes down the stairs smashes the bald guy on the head and says to him '' Hey Mike , long time no see man '' . The bald guy clearly surprised responds ''I believe you made a mistake sir'' so the guy replies '' I'm so so sorry sir '' and walks away. The two friends laugh and the man gives the 5 bucks to his rather bold friend. After 5 minutes the guy tells his friend again ''10 bucks if I do it again ? '' the friend agrees and so the man goes and smashes the bald guy's head again and says ''Hey mike how have you been man ? '' . The bald guy now clearly irritated tells him '' Hey man listen , i've already told you i'm not Mike '' and the guy responds '' A thousand apologies sir , won't happen again'' and goes back to his friend who is now dying of laughter while the bald guy in the front row switches seats and sits now in the corner. After receiving his money he tells his friend again '' 50 bucks if i do it one last time ? '' so his friend who is dying of curiosity agrees. Once again the man goes down and to the bald guy who is now sitting in the corner and smashes his head while shouting '' Oh come on Mike , you've been sitting here all along and i've been smashing that pour guy's head for 15 minutes ? ''



Submitted September 23, 2017 at 04:55AM by ak9729

What do you call a French avocado practicing law?

Un avocat.

(Bilingual jokes, anyone?)



Submitted September 23, 2017 at 06:11AM by neish

Have you heard my sodium joke?

Na



Submitted September 23, 2017 at 07:09AM by umbrajoke

I went bobsleighing the other day…

Killed 11 Bobs…



Submitted September 23, 2017 at 06:30AM by madazzahatter

What do you call Katy Perry when she is skateboarding?

Skaty Perry



Submitted September 23, 2017 at 06:36AM by felixverhoeven

Husband: "I'm getting you diamonds for our anniversary" - Wife: "Nothing would please me more"

Husband: Gets her nothing instead



Submitted September 22, 2017 at 11:16PM by SynterX

I bought my friend an elephant for their room

They said "Thank you"

I said "Don't mention it"



Submitted September 22, 2017 at 09:09PM by NotSpicyEnough

Why can't your nose be twelve inches long?

Because then it'd be a foot!



Submitted September 23, 2017 at 12:59AM by ConanHuynh

What did Delaware?

A New Jersey



Submitted September 23, 2017 at 01:00AM by mbradford81

Before I met my wife, I had a Toyota...

It was a Pre-Us



Submitted September 23, 2017 at 12:03AM by PaxPaw

a termite walked into a bar and asked....

"is the bartender here?"



Submitted September 23, 2017 at 12:35AM by summertimesadsong

Friday, September 22, 2017

What do you call a sleepwalking nun?

A Roman Catholic

Okay I’ll show myself out



Submitted September 22, 2017 at 11:51PM by chilliNathan02

Imagine if America switched from pounds to kilograms overnight...

There would be mass confusion.



Submitted September 22, 2017 at 10:28PM by CanadianShadow

Believe it or not kids, dancing can be just as dangerous as drugs. I was once addicted to the hokey-pokey..

But then I turned myself around



Submitted September 22, 2017 at 10:42PM by LiveLaughLift

Three food items are having a conversation.

Three food items are having a conversation at a bar.

The first one says "Soy milk."

The second one says "Hola! Soy sauce."

The third one says "Hola, mis amigos! Soy beans."



Submitted September 22, 2017 at 09:34PM by jyo9678

What's the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer?

A hooker can wash her crack and resell it



Submitted September 22, 2017 at 08:59PM by questingone

A Cop Pulled me over,came up to window and said papers

I said "scissors, I win" and drove off... that fucker must really need a rematch because he's been chasing me for the last 20 minutes



Submitted September 22, 2017 at 06:17PM by mhuraizee

A single sperm has 37.5 MB of DNA information in it. That means an average ejaculation represents a data transfer of 1587.5 TB

That's a lot of information to swallow



Submitted September 22, 2017 at 05:38PM by blazin420ez

Why can't Peter Pan defeat Captain Hook?

Because his punches Neverland.



Submitted September 22, 2017 at 05:11PM by sric2838

Reddit?

I've never even heard of it



Submitted September 22, 2017 at 05:17PM by Somf_machine

Wives are like grenades.

Remove the ring and boom, the house is gone.



Submitted September 22, 2017 at 01:38PM by paralyyzed

Lawyer (to judge): My client is trapped inside a penny

Judge: What?

Lawyer: He's in a cent



Submitted September 22, 2017 at 04:12PM by liftedtrucksnguns

My 75 y/o Scottish grandpa told me this at a family lunch.

A farmer walks into the bar and sits down beside me looking extremely agitated.

"What's goin' on with ya Pete?"

"Ah jesus, Brian. So I got up early and was milking my biggest cow in her stall. I had a pail just about full when she kicked her right leg and spilled the entire thing."

"Aw Christ, Pete. I'm sorry about that."

"So, pissed off, I found a length of rope and tied her right leg to her stall so she wouldn't kick again and went back to milking her. I had this second pail just over half full when CRASH her left leg jolts and knocks it all over the floor. I'm fuming so I went and found another length of rope and tied her left leg to her stall nice and tight and propped the pail up again. No way to kick it over now, right?"

"Aye,"

"Well about a quarter full, her tail whips around the handle of the bucket and sends it flying. So I go stomping around looking for another length of rope but couldn't find anything. I thought, ah, this bitch deserves the belt anyways. So I took off the belt holding up my pants and tied her tail to the crossbeam above her stall."

"Don't tell me she kicked it over again."

"Nah, then my wife walked in."



Submitted September 22, 2017 at 02:14PM by MarlaTheTumor

What kind of day ends with no toilet paper?

A bidet.



Submitted September 22, 2017 at 11:17AM by CibrecaNA

I saw a guy selling air

He was the last air vendor.



Submitted September 22, 2017 at 01:44PM by mbradford81

How do you call a wolf that knows what's going on?

Awarewolf



Submitted September 22, 2017 at 09:15AM by nahive

Why did the motorcycle not want to get out of bed?

He was two-tired



Submitted September 22, 2017 at 12:50PM by angelo992001

Why can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom?

The p is silent



Submitted September 22, 2017 at 01:11PM by TheDestroyer575

First rule of Vegan club:

You tell everyone about Vegan club.



Submitted September 22, 2017 at 08:55AM by danielsoft1

News just in:

Someone has been killed with a starter pistol !!!

Police think it might be race related..............



Submitted September 22, 2017 at 10:30AM by Tiroler-Quelle

What do you call a Rabbi that tells cheesy jokes?

Matzorella



Submitted September 22, 2017 at 01:10PM by Youwantfuckame

An idiot has a mirror in his closet

He wakes up one night and opens the closet and he sees himself. Scared, he quickly calls the cops

"Police! There's a burglar in my closet, come quickly!"

A police man arrives at the idiots house and opens the closet and finds the mirror. He takes a step back and slaps the idiot as hard as he can

"Why did you call me when you already had a policeman inside?!"



Submitted September 22, 2017 at 10:50AM by TheSquidditySquid

I thought about attending an orgy

But if I wanted to disappoint many people at once, I could just repost this joke on Reddit...



Submitted September 22, 2017 at 09:43AM by Smccx

Did you hear about the keyboard designer who had a psychotic breakdown?

His colleagues reported he was Alt of Ctrl when he made his Esc.



Submitted September 22, 2017 at 08:35AM by MALteesar

Dear algebra,

Please stop asking us to find your x.

She's never coming back, and don't ask y.



Submitted September 22, 2017 at 09:13AM by TopMinotaur

I saw a mosquito in the kitchen. I could have killed it, but I let it fly away...

That's probably going to come back to bite me later



Submitted September 22, 2017 at 08:26AM by ProducerPants

Why did I Humpty Dumpty have a great fall?

To make up for his lousy summer.



Submitted September 22, 2017 at 11:35AM by corbangarcia

Girlfriend said that she slept with 61 men before.

I doubt it, but she insisted that I was her sixty-second man.



Submitted September 22, 2017 at 05:38AM by PrkwyDrv

Son: "Dad, Am I adopted"?

Dad: "Not yet. We still haven't found anyone who wants you."



Submitted September 22, 2017 at 05:05AM by 9xbuddy

My wife asked if I thought she should get a breast augmentation. I said I love her body just the way it is. She asked if I ever wished she had been born with big tits.

I said nah, babies with big tits freak me out.



Submitted September 22, 2017 at 08:54AM by coupland

Why was the escape artist late for dinner?

He got tied up at work!



Submitted September 22, 2017 at 08:20AM by acnine

I don't like the term 'Anal Bleaching'.

I prefer to call it 'changing my ringtone'.



Submitted September 22, 2017 at 12:26AM by Tiroler-Quelle

I was once abducted by aliens. They made me wipe my face, blow my nose and eat my vegetables...

I think I was on board the mothership...



Submitted September 22, 2017 at 07:01AM by madazzahatter

A guy I know had a terrible accident at work, he fell into an industrial grinder...

He's fine now..



Submitted September 22, 2017 at 07:06AM by madazzahatter

I love Chinese food as much as the next guy...

...but you'll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.



Submitted September 22, 2017 at 06:48AM by madazzahatter

A guy and a girl go on a date and things get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place...

Some flirting and fooling around later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands.

He then takes off his trousers and again washes his hands. Watching all this the girl says, ”You must be a dentist."

The guy, surprised, replies, “Why yes actually. How did you figure that out?" "Easy," she says, "you keep washing your hands."

One thing leads to another and they make love.

After it's over the girl says, "You must be a good dentist."

The guy, now with an inflated ego, "Sure - I'm a good dentist. How did you figure that out?" To which she responds,

"Didn't feel a thing."



Submitted September 22, 2017 at 12:40AM by Cryptikfox

What do tofu and a dildo have in common?

They are both meat substitutes.



Submitted September 22, 2017 at 12:39AM by Slats7

My girlfriend's parents called me a disgusting creep just because I am 36 and she is 24

What a horrible thing to say on our son's 10th birthday party.



Submitted September 22, 2017 at 12:12AM by supercoooldudewithab

I named my kid Bob Ross

He was a happy little accident.



Submitted September 21, 2017 at 11:22PM by SuaveWaffle

Trump has two parts of brain, 'left' and 'right'.

In the left side, there's nothing right. In the right side, there's nothing left.



Submitted September 21, 2017 at 08:39PM by fangfufu

Thursday, September 21, 2017

Orion's Belt is a waist of space

I give it three stars.



Submitted September 21, 2017 at 09:02PM by adventuremama

So I met a girl in the bar last night

She said "I haven't had a cock for nearly 2 weeks now"

So I took her back to my place and we started fooling around.

We got undressed and that's when I noticed the scars from the operation.



Submitted September 21, 2017 at 03:58PM by DarthBlazer666

Co-worker asked me, "If Batman, who is a regular human but with gadgets, teamed up with Superman, who has supernatural powers, and they fought against Iron Man, another regular human with gadgets, who teamed up with Thor, who has super powers, who would be the winners?"

"Your parents when you move out."



Submitted September 21, 2017 at 03:03PM by bennetthaselton

I opened a business that sells wingless airplanes.

It never took off.



Submitted September 21, 2017 at 02:33PM by RobertTroll

When does a joke become a dad joke?

When it's fully groan...



Submitted September 21, 2017 at 05:18PM by dothepropellor

Three nuns die and go to heaven.

They arrive at the gates of heaven where they meet St. Peter who says "you must each answer one question about religion to enter heaven."

St. Peter calls the first nun and asks "who was the first man on Earth?" "Adam" she replies. So birds are chirping angels are singing the gates open and she gets into heaven.

St. Peter asks the second nun "who was the first woman on Earth?" "Eve" she replies. So birds are chirping angels are singing the gates open and she gets into heaven.

St. Peter asks the third nun "what is the first thing Eve said to Adam?" The nun panics for a second because she doesnt know the answer. "Boy thats a hard one" she nervously replies. So birds are chirping angels are singing the gates open and she gets into heaven.



Submitted September 21, 2017 at 12:41PM by StonerNextD00r

A Wife Gets Naked.....

and asks her husband, 'What turns you on more! my pretty face or my sexy body?' Husband looks her up and down for a moment and replies, 'Your sense of humor.'



Submitted September 21, 2017 at 10:47AM by crusader786

So a guy walks into a bar and sees three steaks taped to the ceiling....

He then asks the bartender “why are there three steaks taped to the ceiling?” The bartender says “well you get one shot, if you jump up and touch one of the steaks then you get free drinks for the rest of the day, however if you miss, you must buy everyone else’s drinks for the next hour.” The guy ponders for a minute and then says, “I would do it, but the stakes are too high.”



Submitted September 21, 2017 at 07:48AM by Nate_Dawg132

You know what they say about eating a lot of clocks.

It'a very time consuming.



Submitted September 21, 2017 at 03:01PM by katsudonlink

A chess joke: What's the difference between a rook and a bishop?

Rooks can only move in straight lines, whereas bishops have sex with kids.



Submitted September 21, 2017 at 11:38AM by zackpennington

What do you call shampoo when it gets into your eyes?

No text found

Submitted September 21, 2017 at 01:34PM by WaldenFont

What do you call a web developer who likes to find bugs?

A spider



Submitted September 21, 2017 at 01:14PM by Smilie_

Don't laugh!

A nurse got a new job at a new hospital. Her boss thought that she knew everything about the job, except for ONE THING: "Never laugh at a patient, no matter what."

"Of course I won't laugh," the nurse said. "I'm a professional nurse. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."

Three days later, the hospital received a new patient that the nurse was in charge of. "I have a problem with my sexual organs," the man said. "Okay, just drop your trousers for me," the nurse responded.

"Okay then," Fred said and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest penis the nurse had ever seen. Length and width, it couldn't have been bigger than an AAA battery.

Unable to control herself, the nurse started giggling then almost fell to the floor laughing. A few minutes later she was able to regain her composure. "I'm so sorry," said the nurse. "I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a nurse and a lady, I promise it won't happen again. Now tell me, what seems to be the problem?"

"It's swollen," Fred replied.



Submitted September 21, 2017 at 09:58AM by ZeekOwl91

So my girlfriend won't stop laughing at Tupperware

Honestly she just can't container self



Submitted September 21, 2017 at 12:25PM by EpicPunz

My grandpa’s joke: I went to order a medium pizza and the pizza guy asked me if I wanted it cut in 8 slices or 10.

I said you better make it 8, I don’t think I can eat 10.



Submitted September 21, 2017 at 11:57AM by mbradford81

What did the sea say to the beach?

Nothing it just waved



Submitted September 21, 2017 at 08:07AM by pelaaja101

So they just announced the title to the tenth fast and furious movie..

Fast10: Your Seatbelts.



Submitted September 21, 2017 at 08:13AM by Bootrekt

what do you call a boat when the crew can't speak their mind?

A censorship!



Submitted September 21, 2017 at 10:35AM by hopelessnerd-exe

Why do chicken coops only have 2 doors?

Because if they had 4 doors, they would be called chicken sedans =)



Submitted September 21, 2017 at 10:39AM by kn8dude

What do lawyers wear to court?

Lawsuits.



Submitted September 21, 2017 at 08:17AM by Slats7

I was breastfed until 3

But enough about my day, how was yours?



Submitted September 21, 2017 at 08:12AM by supercoooldudewithab

Japan's emporer.

Japan's emporer.
Deposed atop mount fuji.
That was a high coup.



Submitted September 21, 2017 at 07:35AM by SumDryGuy

If apple released iphone 8 and 10 this year

Would it release nine eleven next year



Submitted September 21, 2017 at 04:49AM by shashwat_gupta

What's a pen when it's not writing?

Stationary.



Submitted September 21, 2017 at 04:51AM by letsgetrad

What's the most common type of owl in the UK?

The Teat-Owl...



Submitted September 21, 2017 at 06:08AM by -JustAnotherRedditor

You know what they say about grandfather clocks

They're old timers



Submitted September 21, 2017 at 07:35AM by PolesawPolska

[NSFW] How much does your wiener weigh?

Litte Joe: "Daddy, how much does my wiener weigh?"

Dad: "I don't know, I guess about 3 ounces"

Litte Joe: "And how much does your wiener weigh?"

Dad: "I don't know, I guess about 15 ounces?"

Little Joe is intrigued and goes to his grandfather.

Little Joe: "Granddad, how much does your wiener weigh?"

Granddad: "I don't know, but it must be a lot, because your grandmother can't get it up"



Submitted September 21, 2017 at 03:50AM by timbroddin

What do you call a cow with a stutter that makes chocolate milk?

Cacao



Submitted September 20, 2017 at 11:09PM by aznflavin

"But, Holmes, what kind of rock could be formed by deposition and consolidation of mineral and organic material and from the precipitation of minerals from a solution?"

"Sedimentary, my dear Watson."



Submitted September 21, 2017 at 06:36AM by madazzahatter

Me and my friend are having a competition to see who can steal the most dog related stuff from the pet shop...

I've just taken the lead...



Submitted September 21, 2017 at 06:33AM by madazzahatter

I tell dad jokes, but I have no kids

I'm a faux pa.



Submitted September 20, 2017 at 10:23PM by Slats7