Thursday, July 27, 2017

Obama, Hillary and Trump

Obama, Hillary and Trump are standing at the throne of heaven. God looks at them and says, "Before granting you a place at my side, I must ask you what you have learned, what you believe in."

God asks Obama first: “What do you believe?"

He thinks long and hard, looks God in the eye, and says, "I believe in hard work, and in staying true to family and friends. I believe in giving. I was lucky, but I always tried to do right by my countrymen".

God can’t help but see the essential goodness of Obama, and offers him a seat to his left.

Then God turns to Hillary and says, "What do you believe?"

Hillary says, "I believe passion, discipline, courage and honor are the fundamentals of life. Like Obama I believe in hard work. I, too, have been lucky, but win or lose, I've always tried to be a true patriot and a loyal American."

God is greatly moved by Hillary's high-pitched eloquence, and he offers her a seat to his right.

Finally, God turns to Trump and says, "And you, Donald, what do you believe?"

Trump replies, "I believe you're in my seat."



Submitted July 27, 2017 at 02:43PM by wackoclown

I asked Siri "What do women want?"

My phone has not shut up for the past three days.



Submitted July 27, 2017 at 01:42PM by CherryBlaster

I gave away my old dead batteries to people today....free of charge

No text found

Submitted July 27, 2017 at 05:10PM by Tempox_

I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner

It's just collecting dust



Submitted July 27, 2017 at 05:35PM by tinko1212

Why do fish live in salt water?

Because pepper water makes them sneeze



Submitted July 27, 2017 at 04:20PM by optionalsilence

A girl realizes that she has grown hair between her legs

She gets worried and asks her mom about that hair. Her mom calmly says, "That part where the hair has grown is called your monkey. Be proud that your monkey has grown hair." The girl smiled. At dinner, she tells her sister, "My monkey has grown hair." Her sister smiles and says, "That’s nothing; mine is already eating bananas."



Submitted July 27, 2017 at 01:20PM by Rickshawalli

A woman asks a man - "do you drink beer?"...

Man: Yeah.

Woman: How many beers a day?

Man: Usually about 3.

Woman: How much do you pay per beer?

Man: $5.00, including the tip.

Woman: And how long have you been drinking?

Man: About 20 years, I suppose.

Woman: So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5400 …correct?

Man: Correct.

Woman: If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct?

Man: Correct.

Woman: Do you know that if you didn't drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?

Man: Do you drink beer?

Woman: No.

Man: What color is your Ferrari?



Submitted July 27, 2017 at 11:22AM by StaticTaco

Two men were arrested for stealing a calendar.

They both got six months.



Submitted July 27, 2017 at 01:15PM by catch22milo

England doesn't have a kidney bank but it has a Liverpool

No text found

Submitted July 27, 2017 at 02:14PM by eternalrocket

My first original long joke called "Luck"

When I was young, I was always lucky. When I was five, my mom asked me to give 6 numbers for the lottery. “8, 13, 27, 29, 30, 31” I said. Without any hesitation, my mom punched those numbers on the lottery ticket and hoped for the best. Later that night, my whole family was watching the lottery on the television.

“The winning numbers are 8!” The announcer said.

“Five more numbers and I’m a millionaire!” my mom said with a big smile on her face.

“13!” The announcer continued. My dad, who believed throughout his whole life that the lottery is rigged by politicians, suddenly looked towards the television. It was as if he knew that we were going to win.

“27!” We already have half of the winning numbers. My family wasn’t really that rich, so winning the lottery would be a big help.

“29!” Is it really going to happen? Are we really going to win ₱80,000,000?”

“30!” One more number! The least amount we could get now is ₱50,000. Getting 5 out of the 6 winning numbers is already a big achievement in itself. Even if we don’t win, getting 5 winning numbers was already a testament on how lucky I was.

It was as if God heard me and answered with a big “Okay”.

“32!” Silence filled the room. My dad slowly looked away from the television and started reading his book once again. The smile in my mom’s face quickly disappeared as she stood up and went to sleep. Meanwhile, I was still very proud of my achievement. 5 out of 6 was unbelievably good. The next day, I bragged to my classmates that I had an 83.33333% guess rate. Most of my classmates were like “Whoa, that’s amazing” but one classmate of mine asked “Then what happened to the other 16.66666%?”

That guy’s name was Calvin. Up until high school, he was considered as the “Shotgun King”. He would just shotgun any major test but still end up with a 100% grade. He was one of the few people in the world that were luckier than me. At age 11, he already won the 6/55 Grand Lotto four times, and he wasn’t only lucky with the lottery, he was lucky with everything. Five months ago, he won a 2017 Audi A3 Sedan. Three months ago, he won a Mercedes-Benz AMG 43, and about a week ago, he won a Lockheed Martin F-22 Raptor. He won all these via raffle. There were a lot of doubts about his wins since not even the Philippine Air Force has an F-22.

I haven’t been participating in any more raffles since my mom said that I should focus on my studies. While walking to class, I saw this flyer that said about a raffle with the 1st prize of a Samsung Refrigerator. It was the perfect time to test out my luck skills, besides, my family would extremely benefit from a new refrigerator. While I was putting my raffle entries inside the drop box, someone patted my shoulder.

“Hey Kyle!” the guy said. It was Calvin.

“Hey Calvin, what’s up?” I said.

“You’re entering the raffle too?” He asked.

“Yeah man, it’s been a long time since I won something.” I answered.

“Well good luck.” He said. “I’m joining the raffle too, so the chances of you winning are slim.”

After two days, it was already raffle day. I was positive that I would win, so I sat in front, near where the results were going to be announced.

One by one, the results were slowly announced, starting from the 5th prize.

“The 5th prize goes to Earl Cayanan!”

“The 4th prize goes to Mary Ann Severino!”

“The 3rd prize goes to John Paul Melecio!”

“The 2nd prize goes to Harold Eugenio!”

Finally, it was the time for the 1st prize. In the corner of my eye, I suddenly saw Calvin talking to some security guards. I smell something fishy going on.

“And for the 1st prize, congratulations to Calvin Tolentino!”

Calvin quickly ran up the stage. I didn’t believe the results so I ran up to Calvin, but on the way, two security guards stopped me. I didn’t give up. I shouted: “I’m the real winner, not you! The whole raffle was rigged!” One security guard then grabbed his gun and smacked its base to my head. I passed out.

I then woke up in a hospital room with an old lady whom I’ve never met before, sitting beside me.

“So, do you want to beat Calvin?” She asked.

“What do you mean?” I asked in return.

“I can make you win the next major raffle.”

“How?” I quickly asked as I was interested.

“Well, the next raffle has a bottle made out of diamonds as its first prize. If sold, it could be as expensive as ₱850,000,000.”

“Okay so how do I win it?”

“Hold your horses, young boy, that’s not the real first prize. You shouldn’t win the bottle, but instead, go to the host right after the program has ended. He will give you the keys to the ‘Win All Raffles Robot’ or WARR for short.”

“The what?”

“Okay, this might sound crazy but there is a robot that can make you win all raffle you enter. It’s called the ‘Win All Raffles Robot’.”

“So how does it work?” I asked out of curiosity.

“No one knows, it was sent by God during the 1300’s. What I do now is that whoever has the WARR would never lose a raffle. Your friend Calvin was just really lucky, but with the WARR, you’d be more than lucky.”

“But how would I be sure that the host would give it to me?”

“Well, he is my son.”

“How is he your son?”

“I gave birth to him.”

Since this conversation seemed like it wouldn’t lead to anything useful anymore, I packed my things and left the hospital. Moments later, I saw a flyer that caught my eye.

“Win a 700-year-old Venetian Diamond Wine Bottle worth ₱850,000,000. All you have to do is enter the raffle to have a chance.”

Maybe this was the raffle the old lady was talking about. I quickly went to the raffle booth and entered.

“The raffle draw will be in an hour, sir.” The clerk said. “You can meanwhile sit in our Waiting Area.”

Inside the Waiting Area were chairs, tables, and a television showing a replay of the 2021 NBA Finals. It’s crazy how the Lakers won it in 6 games. Joel Embiid was such a beast for Philadelphia but they still weren’t able to pull it off.

After an hour, I left the waiting room and sat in the front row near the stage where the raffle will be drawn. Slowly, people started coming and the seats started to fill up.

It was time.

The host came out of the curtains and picked one raffle ticket in the spinning jar.

“The 5th prize which is a 1942 Zero Japanese fighter plane, goes to Erika Sanchez!”

“The 4th prize, which is an authentic piece of the Shroud of Turin, goes to Francois LeBourgeoisie!” I can’t believe the host mispronounces his name.

“The 3rd prize, which is the original copy of the Indian epic, the Ramayana, goes to Juan Tiu-Tres.”

“The 2nd prize, which is a legitimate metal shard from the 1947 Roswell UFO Crash goes to Zack Dimagiba.

“And finally, the event you’ve all been waiting for, the 1st prize which is a 700-year-old Venetian Diamond Wine Bottle goes to…Calvin Tolentino!”

“What?!” I shouted as I jumped off my seat.

Someone then suddenly patted my back. It was Calvin.

“It’s okay Kyle, you’ll get your chance.” Calvin said.

I was about to punch him in the face but I suddenly remembered that I never really intended to win the 1st prize, so before Calvin went to the stage to claim his prize, I told him: “Hey Calvin!”

“Yes Kyle?” He said with an intimidating smile to his face.

I moved closer to him, stared him in the eye, and softly said: “You may have won the bottle, but you haven’t won the WARR.”



Submitted July 27, 2017 at 10:41AM by PlatinumRaptor95

Why do Swiss cows wear bells?

Because their horns don't work...



Submitted July 27, 2017 at 01:05PM by Kyleos97

Do you know what the first thing a couple says when they're married?

I do



Submitted July 27, 2017 at 11:23AM by BallinWhiteKid

A man and a woman were driving down the road

A man and a woman were driving down the road arguing about his deplorable fidelity practices when suddenly, the woman reaches over, slices off the mans penis and angrily tosses it out the window of the car.

Driving behind the car is a pickup truck with a man and his 8 year old daughter chatting away beside him. All of the sudden, the penis smacks the pickup in the windshield and flies off.

Surprised, the daughter asks her daddy, "What in the heck was that?!?"

Not wanting to expose his sweet daughter to sex at such a tender age, the father replies, "It was only a fly, honey."

The daughter gets a confused look on her face, and after a minute, she says. "I'm surprised it got off the ground with a dick that big!"



Submitted July 27, 2017 at 08:10AM by ZockMedic

Why do cows have hooves instead of feet?

Because they lactose.



Submitted July 27, 2017 at 11:24AM by Dishes_Delicious

Chinese takeout: $11.77. Price of gas to get there: $1.90.

Making it all the way home and realizing that they forgot one of the containers:

Riceless.



Submitted July 27, 2017 at 10:39AM by A_perfect_sonnet

I used to watch cartoons on Saturday mornings.

Now that cartoons are replaced with infomercials, I have Saturday mournings.



Submitted July 27, 2017 at 07:56AM by Bonanza86

A guy walks into a bar

He orders a rum and coke. The bartender fiddles around under the bar for a second and pulls out an apple. The guy is confused, he says, "no I ordered a rum and coke." The bartender says, "just try it." So he bites it and it tastes just like rum! The bartender says, "now turn it around." And wow! It tastes just like coke! A second guy walks in and orders a gin and tonic, again the bartender fiddles around for a second and pulls out an apple. He's confused. But he bites it, wow! It tastes just like gin! Bartender says to turn it around and wow! It tastes just like tonic! So a third guy walks in and the first two guys are like, "dude you'll never believe it! This bartender can make apples taste like anything!" So, skeptical, the guy says "ok bartender, give me an apple that tastes like pussy." The bartender says ok, fiddled around under the bar for a second and gives him the apple. He bites into it and says, "ew that tastes like shit!" The bartender says, "turn it around."



Submitted July 27, 2017 at 08:29AM by Shipless_Captain

How did the farmer find his wife?

HE TRACTOR DOWN



Submitted July 27, 2017 at 06:24AM by rahulxdd

Apparently, someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds

Poor bastard



Submitted July 27, 2017 at 05:57AM by svalis47

I have a dog with no legs

I call him cigarette. Every night I take him out for a drag.



Submitted July 27, 2017 at 09:04AM by nearedge

I've been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants…

Feefiphobia…



Submitted July 27, 2017 at 06:18AM by madazzahatter

If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you..

I'd start thinking about you.



Submitted July 27, 2017 at 04:57AM by senioritisACT

In the annual scientistific track and field meet, the geologists always lose

Proving once again that gneiss guys finish last.



Submitted July 27, 2017 at 08:54AM by SoDakZak

Real story: I'm prepped for a wedding and walking with my dad about to meet up with my girlfriend. I know his tendencies so I tell him "dad, please, no jokes." And he replies, "with what you're wearing, I won't need to." I roll my eyes and say, "oh, wow, sick burn dad."

I look over, and he's reaching into his pocket and pulls out a little vial, and shakes it out all over me. He hands me this vial and he's made a shitty label around it, and he wrote on this fricken label, "Directions: Add in salt to injury".

He's a legend among my friends dads.



Submitted July 27, 2017 at 10:27AM by SoDakZak

I'd love to get into gardening...

...now that I have more thyme on my hands.



Submitted July 27, 2017 at 09:33AM by iamdestroyerofworlds

A doctor goes out and buys the best car on the market, a brand new Ferrari GTO…

It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000.

He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light.

An old man on a moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to him.

The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, “What kind of car ya got there, sonny?”

The doctor replies, “A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!”

“That’s a lot of money,” says the old man. “Why does it cost so much?”

“Because this car can do up to 250 miles an hour!” states the doctor proudly.

The moped driver asks, “Mind if I take a look inside?”

“No problem,” replies the doctor.

So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around.

Then, sitting back on his moped, the old man says, “That’s a pretty nice car, all right, but I’ll stick with my moped!”

Just then the light changes, so the doctor decides to show the old man just what his car can do.

He floors it, and within 30 seconds, the speedometer reads 150 mph.

Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror – what it could be…and suddenly…

WHHHOOOOOOSSSSSHHH!

Something whips by him going much faster!

“What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?” the doctor asks himself.

He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 175 mph.

Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it’s the old man on the moped!

Amazed that the moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the moped at 210 mph.

WHOOOOOOOSHHHHH!

He’s feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN!

Astounded by the speed of his old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 250 mph.

Not ten seconds later, he sees the moped bearing down on him again!

The Ferrari is flat out, and there’s nothing he can do!

Suddenly, the moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end.

The doctor stops and jumps out and , unbelievably, the old man is still alive.

He runs up to the mangled old man and says, “Oh my gosh! Is there anything I can do for you?”

The old man whispers, “Unhook my suspenders from your side mirror.”



Submitted July 27, 2017 at 07:55AM by madazzahatter

I saw two guys wearing matching clothing and I asked if they were gay.

They quickly arrested me.



Submitted July 26, 2017 at 07:50PM by starlightking00

Your argument is like a naked banana

It simply lacks a peel



Submitted July 27, 2017 at 07:57AM by terminatorgeek

Every time I visit my dad in St. Louis, he will walk into the room looking depressed until whatever girl I brought home for the weekend asks what's wrong.

Lol, jk I'm a redditor, I've never brought a girl home, and that is why I'm the one in a state of Missouri.



Submitted July 27, 2017 at 08:27AM by SoDakZak

Got the perfect title for the 10th fast and furious movie.

Fast 10: your seatbelts



Submitted July 27, 2017 at 07:50AM by Synergy_synner

A guy buys a vintage motorcycle he saw for sale in an ad in the paper.

When he goes to pick the bike up, the dude who sells him the bike says, "

"Now remember....that's all original leather. You can't let it get too wet. If it starts raining and you don't have anywhere to shelter it, make sure you keep a tub of vaseline with you. Rub it all over the seat so the water will just bead off."

The guy takes his new bike and goes to pick up his girlfriend. The girlfriend invites the guy over to her parents house for dinner. This will be the first time he's ever eaten with her family.

"I should let you know the rule of the table" she said. "There is no talking allowed. The first person to talk at the table has to clean the dishes."

The guy doesn't think this is that big of a deal until he arrives at the family's house and looks in the kitchen. There must be at least three months worth of dishes inside. They are stacked up to the ceiling, stinking and rotting of mold and old bits of food everywhere. The guy almost throws up at the smell and sight of such a disgusting state of affairs.

Dinner begins, and no one is saying a word. The tension is starting to get to the boyfriend, so he concocts a plan to make someone else speak first.

The guy drops his fork, goes over to his girlfriend at the table, throws her up on top and just starts fucking her in front of everyone. The father and mother are obviously mortified. But even with their jaws on the floor, no one says a word.

The guy stops and thinks to himself "This is going to be harder than I thought...." then he gets another idea.....

Without hesitation, he runs over to the mother throws her up on the table and fucks the shit out of her, right in front of the father.

The dad is staring daggers through the boyfriend and turning bright red in anger. But still says nothing. The girlfriend is becoming teary eyed and covering her mouth with her hands, but doesn't make a peep.

The boyfriend stops fucking the mother and sits back down at his seat, completely flustered. He takes a gander out the window, and notices a sudden heavy rain has settled in. He then realizes that his vintage motorbike is parked on the street, uncovered.

The boyfriend pops out of his seat and grabs his tub of vaseline. The dad jumps out of his chair and yells out, "ALRIGHT, I'LL DO THE GODDAMNED DISHES!"

Edit: A Classic Joke



Submitted July 27, 2017 at 04:12AM by raydeep

Reddit jokes are like a CB radio..

copy that



Submitted July 26, 2017 at 09:50PM by Not_my_day151

I've been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants…

Feefiphobia…



Submitted July 27, 2017 at 06:19AM by madazzahatter

It's hard to lose a radish.

Because a lot of the time they'll turn up



Submitted July 27, 2017 at 01:58AM by DOAruss

What type of bagel can fly?

A plain bagel.



Submitted July 27, 2017 at 01:50AM by LambSauce0

Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sean Connery were thinking of what to wear to a classical music themed costume party, suddenly Arnold had an idea:

"You be Mozart......"

".......I'll be Bach."

"Dishes a great idea, Ahnold," replied Sean



Submitted July 27, 2017 at 12:26AM by SoDakZak

Wednesday, July 26, 2017

I COMPLETELY disagree with Trump's military trans ban...

I mean, wouldn't all those attack helicopters be useful??



Submitted July 26, 2017 at 05:11PM by Speculatory

Why do sharks swim in salt water?

Because pepper water makes them sneeze.



Submitted July 26, 2017 at 08:56PM by awesomeme27

What is Mozart's shortest symphony?

His thirty-second symphony



Submitted July 26, 2017 at 11:14PM by Amessersmith109

A man is walking over a bridge and he sees a beautiful woman about to jump...

He tries to talk her down, but she's too distraught. Finally, he says to her, "Well, if you're gonna kill yourself anyway, why not give me a nice blowjob first?"

She replies, "Well, it doesn't matter anyway. I guess I might as well make somebody happy before I die."

So she climbs down off the railing and give the dude one of the most amazing experiences of his life. When it's over, he's completely dazed. "That was incredible!" he says. "Why the hell is someone as gorgeous as you with such... talents trying to kill themselves anyway?"

"It's my father. He disowned me."

"But why!?"

"For dressing up as a woman."



Submitted July 26, 2017 at 03:09PM by thudly

What do you call a cow that can't give milk?

An udder failure...



Submitted July 26, 2017 at 07:47PM by Slower_than_u

11 yr old: "Dad, while you're in the kitchen, will you make me popcorn?"

Me: "Poof! You're popcorn!"

11: eye roll

Wife: groan

Me: intent chuckle



Submitted July 26, 2017 at 09:53PM by tbare

The religious painter

Jock, the painter, often would thin his paint so it would go further. So when the Church decided to do some deferred maintenance, Jock was able to put in the low bid, and got the job. As always, he thinned his paint way down with turpentine.

One day while he was up on the scaffolding -- the job almost finished -- he heard a horrendous clap of thunder, and the sky opened.

The downpour washed the thinned paint off the church and knocked Jock off his scaffold and onto the lawn among the gravestones and puddles of thinned and worthless paint.

Jock knew this was a warning from the Almighty, so he got on his knees and cried: “Oh, God! Forgive me! What should I do?”

And from the thunder, a mighty voice: “REPAINT! REPAINT! AND THIN NO MORE!”



Submitted July 26, 2017 at 04:15PM by eyekwah2

Why does everybody hate averages?

Because they're mean



Submitted July 26, 2017 at 07:18PM by ujmhjk

I like the theory of the death penalty

But I have a problem with the execution.



Submitted July 26, 2017 at 05:31PM by hawaii_dude

How do prisoners communicate in prison?

cell phones



Submitted July 26, 2017 at 07:44PM by agangofoldwomen

Every time I visit my dad in St. Louis, he will walk into a room looking depressed until whatever girl I've brought home for the holidays asks what's wrong.

His reply: "Oh, I live in a state of Missouri."



Submitted July 26, 2017 at 06:03PM by SoDakZak

Why did the Mexican take a Xanax?

For hispanic attacks



Submitted July 26, 2017 at 04:25PM by dirtydaversfg

Every family has that weird, slightly perverted uncle.

Not me, though! I just have some really hot nieces who won't let me buy them beer.



Submitted July 26, 2017 at 10:29AM by WeirdAlcoholic

What do you call an emo a capella group?

Self Harmony.



Submitted July 26, 2017 at 02:56PM by RyvalHEX

Is it okay to hate a certain race?

I usually run the 5K, but someone from my running group wants to do the 10K, which I don't want because a lot of caucasians participate in that one.



Submitted July 26, 2017 at 12:54PM by LaJ44

Are you cold? Go stand in the corner.

They're always 90 degrees.



Submitted July 26, 2017 at 10:48AM by JDDDouble

Did you hear about the kidnapping in Denver?

He woke up.



Submitted July 26, 2017 at 03:15PM by MedicScott

Know why I always turn on my car seat heater?

I like a hot ass



Submitted July 26, 2017 at 12:35PM by jesustheathiest

Arnold Schwarzenegger's One-Sided Chess Set

"I'll be black"



Submitted July 26, 2017 at 12:59PM by Des8Bit

The Americans and Russians

at the height of the arms race realized that if they continued in the usual manner they were going to blow up the whole world. One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They'd have five years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and whichever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world. The losing side would have to lay down its arms. The Russians found the biggest meanest Doberman and Rottweiler dogs in the world and bred them with the biggest meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter, killed his siblings, and gave him all the milk. The used steroids and trainers and after five years came up with the biggest meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were five inches thick and nobody could get near it. "When the day came for the fight, the Americans showed up with a strange animal. It was a nine foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for the Americans because they knew there was no way that this dog could possibly last ten seconds with the Russian dog. "When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out and wrapped itself around the outside of the ring. It had the Russian dog almost completely surrounded. When the Russian dog leaned over to bite the Dachshund's neck, the Dachshund leaned up and consumed the Russian dog in one bite. There was nothing left at all of the Russian dog. The Russians came up to the Americans shaking their heads in disbelief. `We don't understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for five years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler dogs in the world and the biggest meanest Siberian wolves." "That's nothing", an American replied. "We had our best plastic surgeons working for five years trying to make an alligator look like a Dachshund.'



Submitted July 26, 2017 at 10:19AM by Bushwacker61

"I can see!" said the Blind Man

"You're a liar" said the Deaf Man.



Submitted July 26, 2017 at 08:41AM by RichNCrispy

What does my asshole and my Toyota have in common?

They're both leaking tranny fluid.



Submitted July 26, 2017 at 10:53AM by jtown09

A young man robbed a bank wearing a suit made of many mirrors

But he turned himself in after taking some time to reflect.

Luckily the judge was lenient as he saw a lot of himself in the young man.



Submitted July 26, 2017 at 10:12AM by supercoooldudewithab

A librarian is at work at a public library and sees a chicken walk in...

The chicken walks up to the counter and says "book, book, book, book."

This continues until the librarian passes a book to the chicken who takes it and pushes it out the door.

A few minutes later the chicken comes right back on, pushes the book up to the counter and says "book, book, book, book."

Again it doesn't stop so the librarian finds another book to give the chicken and again the chicken pushes the book out the front door.

Throughout the day the chicken keeps coming back, saying "book, book, book, book," and gets a new book to take away.

Finally curiosity gets the better of the librarian and so decides to follow the chicken and find out it is doing with the books.

From the front door the librarian sees the chicken push the book across the road to a park, and then towards a pond.

The librarian sees the chicken get to the pond so sneaks closer to see what happens. At the pond the chicken pushes the book to a lily pad and says "book, book, book, book."

From the lily pad a frog takes one look at the book and says "Reddit."



Submitted July 26, 2017 at 08:31AM by the_pun_life

Did you hear about Apple's merger with Puma?

Their first joint product is going to be iPuma pants.



Submitted July 26, 2017 at 12:47PM by TigrisVenator

Why was the energizer bunny put in jail?

He was charged with battery



Submitted July 26, 2017 at 11:32AM by 58008upsidedown

Teacher: What do you do after school?

1st Student: I go and buy weed from Yakobo 2nd Student: I always go and buy cigarettes from Yakobo. 3rd Student: I go and buy cocaine from Yakobo. 4th Student: I always stay at home and do my homework. Teacher: You are a great student, I hereby appoint you as the class monitor. You are a good example to other students. What's your name? 4th Student: Yakobo



Submitted July 26, 2017 at 03:11AM by Jswizzle__

What do you call a dog that can do magic?

A Labracadabrador



Submitted July 26, 2017 at 07:53AM by Duckef

Anniversary idea

For my wife and I's first wedding anniversary, we made a bet that the first one to wake up would have to surprise the other one with oral sex. Well, when the day came I was the first to wake up, so I rolled over, pulled the bed covers back, and slooooowwwwllllyyyyy shoved my dick in her mouth.



Submitted July 26, 2017 at 08:39AM by stevegoodsex

I asked someone in North Korea how their day was going...

They replied, "Can't complain."



Submitted July 26, 2017 at 05:07AM by The_Foolish_Fool

I went hunting with my dad

He killed a wild cat and hung it's ass in the wall. Me: why did you hang the ass and not the head? Dad: because son, it's a cat-ass-trophy.



Submitted July 26, 2017 at 08:54AM by Kawaii-Velocirraptor

I took a trip to Mexico, but on my way out I grabbed an English-Italian dictionary by mistake...

I was speechless the entire trip...



Submitted July 26, 2017 at 09:24AM by MeasureOnce_CutTwic

Which of King Arthur's Knights designed the round table?

Sir Cumference



Submitted July 26, 2017 at 02:58AM by Spartacats

A painter's patience (my first joke)

A painter asked his client where to start painting his house.

-"Roof" said the client.

-"Ok" said the painter.

Moments later after hard work, the painter went back to ask where to proceed painting.

-"Where now?" Said the painter.

-"Roof!" Yelled the client.

-"I already painted there, tell me where to paint now..." Said the painter with little patience.

-"Roof!!" Yelled the client again

With anger in his eyes the painter said:

-"That's it! This is the last time i paint a dog's house!"

I hope you have a stupid smile because of this stupid joke.



Submitted July 26, 2017 at 04:02AM by hhunkk

I broke up with my gym today...

...we just weren't working out.



Submitted July 26, 2017 at 01:58AM by NeverAware

My ex used to hit me with musical instruments

I didn't know that she had a history of violins.



Submitted July 26, 2017 at 06:24AM by zzz802

Trump has a heart attack ....

Trump has a heart attack and dies. He goes to Hell where the Devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do," says the Devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you. But you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three people here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."

Trump thought that sounded pretty good so he agreed.

The devil opened the first room. In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed over and over and over, such was his fate in Hell.

"No!" Trump said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long."

The Devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.

"No! I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day!" commented Trump.

The Devil opened a third door. In it, Trump saw Bill Clinton lying naked on the floor with his arms staked over his head and his legs staked in spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.

Trump looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this."

The Devil smiled and said, "Monica, you're free to go...!"



Submitted July 25, 2017 at 11:26PM by ntmyrealacct

Getting my kite stuck in a tree isn't my favorite thing...

But it's up there.



Submitted July 26, 2017 at 12:55AM by marsofdeath

A guy gets out of jail.

With only $10 to his name and extremely horny, he heads to the local whorehouse. He pleads and begs the pimp for a $10 lay. Finally, the pimp says, "Look, for ten bucks, all I got for you is a chicken." The guy is desperate so he agrees on fucking a chicken.

The guy enters a room and sure enough there's a chicken. He has his way with the bird and leaves.

He manages to scrape up another $10 and returns the next day to the pimp. "Do you have anything else besides the chicken?", he asks. The pimp replies, "Well, we do have a show where you can just watch two people fucking".

He takes that offer and enters a room with a large window and a couple of chairs. While watching the show he turns to the guy next to him and says, "this is a pretty good show for $10". The guy next to him responds, "You should have seen the show yesterday. Some guy was fucking a chicken."



Submitted July 25, 2017 at 07:53PM by Kronicalicious

Tuesday, July 25, 2017

I got so drunk last night

I got so drunk last night I walked across the dance floor to get another drink and won the dance contest.



Submitted July 25, 2017 at 07:48PM by Razzon101

Why isn't a koala bear a real bear

Because they aren't koala-fied



Submitted July 25, 2017 at 11:32PM by Arseneisbest

I tried to share a bag of chips with a homeless person on the street.

He told me to fuck off and buy my own.



Submitted July 25, 2017 at 07:05PM by NateM135

I don't think I can trust my pillow.

It's always lying behind my back.



Submitted July 25, 2017 at 10:31PM by garbagearmy

Two clowns are eating a cannibal.

One turns to the other and says "I think we got this joke wrong."



Submitted July 25, 2017 at 07:19PM by Naheed123

I don't always tell dad jokes

But when I do, he laughs



Submitted July 25, 2017 at 07:58PM by NateM135

A man walks into a bar and orders a beer.

After having the beer, he asks the bartender for the bill.

"$3", says the bartender.

The man just for fun goes on and places a $1 coin on the three ends of the table. The bartender gives him a bad look but has no other option but to pick them up.

This happened for 3-4 days and everyday the bartender felt humiliated.

The next day, he orders a beer but couldn't find three $1 coins to pay the bill. So, he hands the bartender a $5 note. Now, the bartender gets all excited and thinks that it is his day to avenge the hard time he had because of this man. He then places the two $1 coins at the opposite ends of the table.

Now, with a shrewd smile and with all the excitement he goes to the man and says, "Go on, collect your change".

The man then takes out a $1 coin from his pocket and puts it in front of the bartender and says, "One more beer please."



Submitted July 25, 2017 at 06:22PM by wackoclown

A man cheats on his girlfriend Lorraine with a woman named Clearly.

Lorraine dies suddenly. At the funeral, the man stands up and sings, "I can see Clearly now, Lorraine is gone."



Submitted July 25, 2017 at 05:25PM by sizzleshawty

Why did the blind man fall into a well?

Because he couldn't see that well.



Submitted July 25, 2017 at 06:18PM by skankerhunt42

I went to the dentist today

Dentist: Open up please

Me: Sometimes I get sad.



Submitted July 25, 2017 at 01:33PM by glikithvinayaka

What's red and smells like green paint

Red paint



Submitted July 25, 2017 at 04:05PM by human_man12

One of my tellers dropped a check and spat out this gem.

Well it didn't bounce so it must be good.



Submitted July 25, 2017 at 03:02PM by blueholeload

A young newlywed couple wanted to join a church.

A young newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor told them, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks." The couple agreed and came back at the end of two weeks. The pastor asked them, "Well, were you able to get through the two weeks without being intimate?" "Pastor, I'm afraid we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks," the young man replied. "What happened?" inquired the pastor. "My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was over come with lust and took advantage of her right there." "You understand, of course, that this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor. "That's okay," said the young man. "We're not welcome at the grocery store anymore either."



Submitted July 25, 2017 at 12:54PM by jucieraj

I met someone with 12 nipples... Sounds funny

Dozen tit



Submitted July 25, 2017 at 10:43AM by Maxterchief99

Multi-billion dollar dad joke



Submitted July 25, 2017 at 10:46AM by mitchell271

I think I want a job cleaning mirrors.

It's just something I could really see myself doing.



Submitted July 25, 2017 at 10:29AM by ple_28

What's the difference between someone who bought a house and someone who practices their electrician skills?

One's a home owner and the other's an ohm honer.



Submitted July 25, 2017 at 12:39PM by BradC

Just got a job taking care of horses.

It's stable work.



Submitted July 25, 2017 at 11:33AM by woodceilingfan

Five redditors are walking in the forest...

...when they find a lamp on the ground. One of them rubs it, and (as expected), a genie appears. Because he's feeling particularly generous, the genie decides to grant all five of them one wish each.

The first one steps forward. "I would like a ten-inch-tall piano player, please". The genie grants him the wish, and he posts joke #385 on r/Jokes and gets a couple upvotes.

The second one asks for a man hanging from a balcony by the fingertips, a man in a refrigerator, and a man coming home from work. The genies grants it, and he posts #9910 on reddit, getting some dozen upvotes.

The third one asks for a meta-joke. The genie gives him a reel joke, and it generates a thousand upvotes.

The fourth one asks for something to get him the top all-time post spot on r/Jokes. The genie gives him two "v"s and an edit. He posts it and drowns in karma.

The fifth and final redditor asks for an original joke that had never been posted on r/Jokes before. The genie groaned: "Are you kidding me? Doesn't exist. Your wish is used up, too. Take a ten-lane highway to Hawaii, a legless parrot, and a talking dog, and go away."

Rather than post jokes 839, 3924, and 936, the fifth redditor decides to post a joke about five redditors in a forest.



Submitted July 25, 2017 at 06:32AM by epsilonAcetate

Sex competition

An Englishman and a Spaniard are in a bar in Amsterdam at midnight when they start bragging to each other about their sexual escapades. After several minutes of back and forth, the Englishman challenges the Spaniard to a contest. "We'll go to the nearest brothel and see how many times we can shag a girl between now and dawn. Winner gets 100 euros." So they go down to a brothel and each of them gets a girl and a room. The Englishman screws his girl, makes a tally mark on the headboard, then dozes off. He wakes up a bit later, screws her again, makes another tally mark, and dozes off again. An hour later he wakes up, pounds the girl a third time, and passes out, dead to the world. At dawn the Englisman is awoken by the Spaniard bursting into the room. He sees at the headboard and says, "One hundred and eleven? Damn it, you beat me by three!"



Submitted July 25, 2017 at 07:17AM by aagnee

Hey girl, are you a parked car in July?

Because I want to leave a baby in you.



Submitted July 25, 2017 at 09:46AM by TheChinook

A sheep, a drum, and a snake fell off a cliff.

Baa-Dum-Tss.



Submitted July 25, 2017 at 10:42AM by AF-firm

Honey is the perfect food.

It's chock full of Bee Vitamins.



Submitted July 25, 2017 at 09:50AM by PrettySweatyPrincess

A woman must walk 5 paces behind...

Barbara Walters did a story on gender roles in Kabul, Afghanistan, several years before the Afghan conflict.

She noted that women customarily walked five paces behind their husbands.

She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walked behind their husbands, despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime and women seemed happy to maintain the old custom.

Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, "Why do you still abide by an old custom, that you once tried so desperately to change?"

The woman looked Ms. Walters straight in the eyes, and without hesitation said, "Land mines."



Submitted July 25, 2017 at 05:42AM by madazzahatter

The penguin joke (my favorite joke)

One day a Cop pulls a van over and when he walks up to the window he sees ten penguins in the back.

The cop asks the man "are those your penguins?"

The man Says "yes, they are my pets."

The cop replies to the man "You need to take them to the zoo right now."

So the man agrees and drives off. The next day the cop pulls over the same van and he walks up to the window and sees the ten pengins all wearing sunglasses.

The cop says to the man "I thought i told you to take those penguins to the zoo."

The man says "I did, today we are going to the beach!"



Submitted July 25, 2017 at 06:47AM by donnydoesreddit

A boy has sex with his teacher

When he gets home from school, his mother asks him,

"What did you do today in school?"

The child replies,

"I had sex with the teacher."

Furious, the mother scolds the boy and makes him go to his room.

"Wait until you're father gets here!" she exclaims.

An hour later, the father arrives home. Immediately he is informed of what his son did at school today by the mom. But instead of being outraged like his wife had been, the father praises his son.

"Son, you're growing into a real man. I think it's time to get you a bike."

So, the two go out and get the bike, and when they come home, the father asks,

"Son, do you want to try the bike now?"

"Not right now. My butt still hurts."



Submitted July 25, 2017 at 02:42AM by BananaBossNerd

What's the opposite of progress?

Congress.



Submitted July 25, 2017 at 07:39AM by and69

In Rogue One, When Vader tells Krennic "Don't choke on your aspirations"

It's actually a double pun and enters the realm of dad quality



Submitted July 25, 2017 at 03:28AM by bryguy894

I’ve just been looking at our ceiling, kids, and while I wouldn’t say it’s the best in the world…

It’s definitely up there…



Submitted July 25, 2017 at 05:34AM by madazzahatter

What did the fisherman say to the magician?

Pick a cod, any cod…



Submitted July 25, 2017 at 05:31AM by madazzahatter

What's the only drink size they allow in North Korea?

A supreme liter



Submitted July 24, 2017 at 11:51PM by NateM135

What do you call a congregation of German ducks?

An Ente-moot.



Submitted July 25, 2017 at 04:22AM by TheSkipjack95

The only idea that flat-earthers fear

is sphere itself.



Submitted July 25, 2017 at 12:17AM by PercMastaFTW

DadJokes are proof that comedy skips a generation.

http://ift.tt/2vUGbP4

This was a group text from me to both of the kids. The younger was born exactly nine months from the Tuesday in question. The older one responded with a thumbs down.



Submitted July 25, 2017 at 02:37AM by ty10drope

Monday, July 24, 2017

My life completely changed after I learned Morse Code.

Last night, for example, I couldn't fall asleep because the rain kept telling me to go fuck myself.



Submitted July 24, 2017 at 01:32PM by wackoclown

I think I was just dad joked by Siri



Submitted July 24, 2017 at 07:39PM by NotReallyEthicalLOL

What's brown and sticky?

A stick



Submitted July 24, 2017 at 09:57PM by JMangz

Two artists couldn't settle their dispute...

They called it a draw



Submitted July 24, 2017 at 08:44PM by Zeptil

Why does the Norwegian Navy put barcodes on the side of their vessels?

So they can Scandinavian



Submitted July 24, 2017 at 10:32PM by marcuccione

The 10th grade teacher asks Jessica: "What part of the human body increases to 10 times it's normal size when excited?"

Jessica responds: "That's disgusting! I don't have to answer that question!"

So the teacher asks little Johnny, who responds: "That's easy...the pupil of the eye."

"That's correct, Johnny. Very good!"

And turning to Jessica, she says: "I've three things to say to you, young lady... first, you didn't do your homework; second, you have a dirty mind; and third, you're in for a big disappointment!"



Submitted July 24, 2017 at 04:56PM by kramer000

I like my women like I like my coffee

I've never had coffee but it smells really nice



Submitted July 24, 2017 at 06:12PM by supercoooldudewithab

Why are pirates such good businessmen?

Because they know how to raise their sails.



Submitted July 24, 2017 at 06:17PM by the_merchant96

"I see," said the blind man

And he picked up his hammer and saw



Submitted July 24, 2017 at 08:05PM by bamugo

That's not a fart.

<driving, everyone sniffing the air>

Daughter: "That's not my fault. I didn't fart."

Mom: "No, I think that's the road work over there."

Dad: "Yeah, that's asphalt and not your ass fault."



Submitted July 24, 2017 at 02:59PM by StoicJim

Two young boys go to a store

They have $6 between them and want a cool toy. After shopping around they come up to the register with a box of tampons. The clerk asks "Why?" One little boy replies "It says on the box you can go swimming, horse-back riding, play tennis, and other activities!! We just need to figure out how they work."



Submitted July 24, 2017 at 03:36PM by LadyLomia

TIL that Kim Kardashian's giant ass has it's own birth certificate, and even has a legal name:

Kanye



Submitted July 24, 2017 at 04:12PM by gDisasters

Are you joking?!

No I'm Steve King, Joe Kings brother.



Submitted July 24, 2017 at 02:04PM by stanthesnake

There should be a Network Television show to inform teens about the dangers of unprotected sex.

They can call it "Genital Hospital".



Submitted July 24, 2017 at 04:58PM by slowshot

Have you ever smelled mothballs?

How do you pull their little legs open?



Submitted July 24, 2017 at 05:46PM by headexpl0dy

I got a joke about a trash can

Never mind, it's garbage.



Submitted July 24, 2017 at 09:46AM by SirHealer

To the man in the wheelchair who stole my camouflage jacket....

You can hide, but you can't run



Submitted July 24, 2017 at 02:05PM by EpicForevr

Atheism and religion are two sides of the same coin

One prefers to use its head, while the other relies on tales



Submitted July 24, 2017 at 12:30PM by marckkkj

Why don't blind people jump out of planes anymore?

It scared the hell out of their dogs.



Submitted July 24, 2017 at 10:40AM by batmanjerkins

I bought my friend an elephant for his room.

He said "Thanks" I said "Don't mention it"



Submitted July 24, 2017 at 12:38PM by Naheed123

What does a viking that is trying to be optimistic say?

Could be norse.

(I just thought of this, i genuinely hope it's not a repost.)



Submitted July 24, 2017 at 02:16PM by Dggz

My dog named Minton just ate a shuttlecock.

Bad Minton.



Submitted July 24, 2017 at 02:07PM by HarryFlashman1927

Want to know what disappointment feels like?

[deleted]



Submitted July 24, 2017 at 09:40AM by BusyPooping

The National Poetry Contest had come down to two semifinalists: a Yale graduate and a redneck from Wyoming.

They were given a word, then allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem that contained the word. The word they were given was "Timbuktu".

First to recite his poem was the Yale graduate. He stepped to the microphone and said:

Slowly across the desert sand

Trekked a lonely caravan.

Men on camels, two by two

Destination---Timbuktu.

The crowd went crazy! No way could the redneck top that, they thought. The redneck calmly made his way to the microphone and recited:

Me and Tim a-huntin went,

Met three whores in a pop up tent.

They was three, and we was two,

So I bucked one, and Timbuktu.



Submitted July 24, 2017 at 11:44AM by unburritoporfavor

Unofficial Alexa Skill for r/dadjokes

Amazon was having a promotion where if you made an Alexa Skill and got it published you would receive a free Echo Dot, so I made one that gives random Dad Jokes from this sub's top 50 "Hot" dad Jokes at any given time. Thought I might as well let you all know. You can enable it on any Alexa enabled devices (Echo, Echo Dot, Echo Show..)

Reddit Dad Jokes (Unofficial)

Let me know what you think.

Edit: I've made a few other skills related to reddit subs, so if you would like more you can check my post history.



Submitted July 24, 2017 at 12:33PM by quincytwo

Did you hear about that Mexican train thief?

He had loco motives!



Submitted July 24, 2017 at 12:22PM by sushideception

A Buddhist monk walks up to a hot dog vendor and says: 'Make me one with everything'....

After a brief chuckle at the monks joke the vendor hands him his hot dog with everything and says 'That'll be $4 please'. The monk hands over a $10 bill and waits whilst the vendor just stares back at him.... Awkwardly the monk ask's 'What about my change'?.

'Ah' replies the hot dog vendor, 'Change must come from within'.



Submitted July 24, 2017 at 08:35AM by ItsOuttaSite

What do you do when your grandparents can't control their bowels anymore?

Depends.



Submitted July 24, 2017 at 11:21AM by Deeo2

Three guys sit in a bar complaining about their wives.

The first guy says, "My wife is so dumb, she carries an automatic garage door opener in her car and she doesn't have a garage door."

The second guy says, "My wife is so dumb, she listens to an iPod and she doesn't have any earphones."

The third guy says, "My wife is so dumb, she carries a purse full of condoms and she doesn't even have a dick."



Submitted July 24, 2017 at 07:13AM by kramer000

I bet you the guy who released the chain saw said...

It's cutting-hedge technology!



Submitted July 24, 2017 at 11:40AM by Groudongun

Making the bed with my wife

Me: "Is this pillowcase inside out? What are these raised edges?"

Her: "No, those are decorative, not seams. Well, they're seams too. But they're not un-seam-ly."



Submitted July 24, 2017 at 10:15AM by nemthenga

What does a dinosaur use to pay bills?

Tyrannosaurus checks



Submitted July 24, 2017 at 09:53AM by winnieismydog

A sheep, a drum, and a snake fell off a cliff.

Baa-Dumm-tss



Submitted July 24, 2017 at 09:59AM by AF-firm

Why does the Norwegian navy have barcodes on the side of their ships?

So when they come back to port they can Scandinavian.



Submitted July 24, 2017 at 08:14AM by nathan_nuggets

Why did I get divorced?

Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn't wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my colleagues didn't wish me a happy birthday. As I entered my office, my secretary said, "Happy birthday, boss!" I felt so special. She asked me out for lunch. After lunch, she invited me to her apartment. We went there and she said, "Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?" "Okay," I said. She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends, & my colleagues all yelling, "SURPRISE!!!" while I was waiting on the sofa... naked.



Submitted July 24, 2017 at 03:55AM by SecondShelf

Headache & Testicles

Joe had suffered from really bad headaches for the last 20 years.

He eventually decides to go and see a Doctor.

The Doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache.

The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.'

Joe was shocked and depressed.He wondered if he had anything to live for.

He had no choice but to go under the knife. The surgery cost him $15,000.

When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.

As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He saw a Men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need... A new Suit.'

He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new Suit.'

The elderly Tailor eyed him briefly and said, 'Let's see... size 44 long.

Joe laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?'

'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said.

Joe tried on the suit it fitted perfectly.

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new shirt?'

Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.'

The salesman eyed Joe and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.'

Joe was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?'

'Been in the business 60 years.'

Joe tried the shirt and it fitted perfectly.

Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, 'How about some new Underwear?'

Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure..'

The salesman said, 'Let's see..... size 36.

Joe laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you! I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old..'

The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your Testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a Headache.'



Submitted July 24, 2017 at 06:13AM by murtuza_ramp

My girlfriend came home and told me to take off her shirt so I did

Then she told me to take off her skirt so I did. Then she told me to take off her bra and panties so I did. Then she told me to never wear her things again



Submitted July 24, 2017 at 04:33AM by creaturefromthebog

My sister says she doesn't like seafood....

I always retort "well what about B food or A food?"

Alternatively if they have an A or B on the front from the sanitary inspection I'll say "But look they got an A/B"

She hates me..



Submitted July 24, 2017 at 07:53AM by NotFrankSalazar

Why are students allowed to have a bible during testing?

It doesn't have any answers.



Submitted July 23, 2017 at 11:42PM by Zachsnack

Exercise for over 40's...

I came across this exercise suggested for the over 40's to build muscle strength in the arms and shoulders.

The article suggested doing it three days a week.

  1. Begin by standing on a comfortable, flat surface, where you have plenty of room at each side. With a 1kg potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to hold for a full minute, then relax.

  2. Each day, you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.

After a couple of weeks, move up to 5kg potato bag. Then a 7kg potato bag and eventually try to get to where you can lift a 10kg potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.

(I'm at this level).

  1. When you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the bags...


Submitted July 24, 2017 at 06:13AM by grumpyjacksa

She : Your dick is probably the size of a Tic-Tac.

Me : Well no wonder your moms breath is so fresh.



Submitted July 24, 2017 at 12:49AM by ip_singh

A dog walks into a bar

The dog says, "Gimme a beer." The bartender says, "Wow! You can talk! You should get a job at the circus!" The dog says, "They're hiring electricians at the circus?"



Submitted July 24, 2017 at 02:46AM by Nutstrodamus

A woman goes to the doctors with a piece of lettuce sticking out the top of her underwear

The doctor says, "that looks nasty" the woman replies "that's just the tip of the iceberg"



Submitted July 24, 2017 at 04:22AM by J96x_Rob_LFC

Kids and a Typewriter...

The kids discovered an old typewriter in the attic. Though it was old, it was still well preserved. Of course, dad had to explain...

He got a sheet of paper, put it in the machine, and started typing...

The kids were amazed, and started firing questions like:

Where do you plug it in?

Dad says "you don't have to plug it in".

Where are the batteries?

Dad replies "no batteries needed".

What software does it use?

Dad (smiling) says "no software required".

Kids: "WOW Dad! Why didn't they invent this LONG AGO?!"



Submitted July 24, 2017 at 04:25AM by grumpyjacksa

Things to think about.....

Advertisement In Shop: 'Guitar, for sale...... Cheap...... no strings attached.'

Ad. In Hospital Waiting Room: 'Smoking Helps You Lose Weight.... One Lung At A Time!'

On a bulletin board: 'Success Is Relative. The More The Success, The More The Relatives.'

When I Read About The Evils Of Drinking.... I Gave Up Reading

My Grandfather Is Eighty And Still Doesn't Need Glasses.... He Drinks Straight Out Of The Bottle.

Sign In A Bar: 'Those Of You Who Are Drinking To Forget, Please Pay In Advance.'

Sign In Driving School: 'If Your Wife Wants To Learn To Drive, Don't Stand In Her Way...'

The Surest Sign That Intelligent Life Exists Elsewhere In The Universe Is The Fact That It Has Never Tried To Contact Us.



Submitted July 24, 2017 at 04:00AM by grumpyjacksa

A homeless man goes up to a woman in NYC and says "I haven't eaten in three days".

She replies "where do you get the self control?"



Submitted July 23, 2017 at 06:18PM by tonymaric

REMINDER: If you have promised your SO that you will love them 24/7

Today is 24/7



Submitted July 24, 2017 at 12:49AM by Tychy

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

No text found

Submitted July 24, 2017 at 02:09AM by AF-firm

I saw an ad for burial plots and thought to myself

That's the last thing I need.



Submitted July 24, 2017 at 02:21AM by AF-firm

Is it ok to hate a certain race?

I don't mind doing the 5K, but my running group is thinking of joining a 10K and I don't really like them.



Submitted July 24, 2017 at 01:33AM by Installous

Sunday, July 23, 2017

I asked the librarian if she had the new book about short penises....

She said, "It's not in yet". I replied, "YES, That's The Book!"



Submitted July 23, 2017 at 09:44PM by BugsRucker

What is Whitney Houston's favorite type of coordination?

Hand Eeeeeyyyyyye



Submitted July 24, 2017 at 01:34AM by afderrick

A nurse finds a rectal thermometer in her pocket

Sighs, and says "Crap, some asshole has my pen."



Submitted July 23, 2017 at 10:54PM by unluckylesbiannolove

“GO TO YOUR ROOM!” I told my kid. She ran into her room and shored back at me “JUST FYI, JIM MORRISON IS OVERRATED!”

She’s so grounded. I’ve warned her repeatedly about slamming The Doors in this house!

Edit: shored= shouted obviously, damn fat fingers



Submitted July 23, 2017 at 07:43PM by furushotakeru

What do you call a retired German soldier?

A veterinarian.



Submitted July 23, 2017 at 05:53PM by RinzlerXV

I asked my dad are you still mourning the loss of mum.

He replied no, now I'm afternooning her loss.



Submitted July 23, 2017 at 08:03PM by unit1601

There was a kidnapping at school today.

He woke up around 3.



Submitted July 23, 2017 at 04:40PM by succymcgee

A psychiatrist finds a man lying by the road who has been robbed and beaten senseless.

The psychiatrist says, "My god, whoever did this needs help!"



Submitted July 23, 2017 at 02:18PM by Bookscrounger

My dad just told me "Save all of your busted lightbulbs, I'm going to built a dark room."

No text found

Submitted July 23, 2017 at 01:29PM by NextGenBacon

A cement mixer collided with a prison bus today

Police have told locals to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals



Submitted July 23, 2017 at 04:58PM by J96x_Rob_LFC

Did you hear about the guy who overdosed on cheese and crisps?

He died of nacho-ral causes.



Submitted July 23, 2017 at 04:04PM by Un-Named

Orange Dick

A man goes to the doctor and tells him that he has a bright orange penis. The doctor takes a look and sure enough, the man's penis is bright orange. The doctor asks the man about his daily habits to see if he could get a clue about the cause of the malady.

The man says "My day is pretty normal. I get up in the morning and go to work. My work is at a desk in an office so I don't come into contact with any strange chemicals. I come home after work, make my self dinner, watch a little TV then get ready for bed."

The doctor asks "Do you do anything before bed?"

The man says "Nothing unusual, I just eat cheetos and surf the web"



Submitted July 23, 2017 at 11:34AM by wackoclown

Fifty bucks

A mother tells her son to go into town to sell their duck for food money, the boy does as she says and goes into the town square. There he meets a young lady on the street corner who tells him "I have a few uses for a duck but I don't have any money, what do you say we go inside and roll in the hay for a trade?" The boy agrees and they go inside to have sex. Afterwards the lady says to the boy "You were pretty good, if you can do it again I'll give you your duck back" the boy once again agrees and they go back inside. After their second time they go back outside and the lady gives the boy his duck back, but as she hands it over it flies out of her hand and into traffic where a car hits it. The driver runs out and over to the boy apologizing profusely and offers the boy $50 for the loss of his duck. The boy goes back home and his mother asks him how he did, the boy says "Well I got a fuck for a duck, a duck for a fuck, and fifty bucks for a fucked up duck."



Submitted July 23, 2017 at 10:20AM by badjawnington

Why did the nun become addicted to sewing?

It was habit forming



Submitted July 23, 2017 at 12:37PM by CloseQtrsWombat

Why did the blind man fall into the well?

Because he couldn't see that well.



Submitted July 23, 2017 at 11:00AM by ScoutBob

A woman goes to her doctor and says she wants an operation because her vagina lips are too large

She asks the doctor to keep the operation a secret as she's embarrassed and doesn't want anyone to find out. The doctor agrees. She wakes up from her operation and finds three roses carefully placed beside her bed. Outraged she immediately calls in the doctor and says, "I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!" "Don't worry," he says, "I didn't tell anybody. The first rose is from me. I felt bad because you went through this all by yourself. The second one is from the nurse. She assisted me with the operation, and she had the operation done herself." "Who is the third rose from?" she asked. "Oh," says the doctor, "that rose is from the guy upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears!"



Submitted July 23, 2017 at 09:11AM by thetrueshit

So, Jesus is going over the bill for the Last Supper...

So Jesus is going over the bill for the Last Supper when the apostles notice he has closed his eyes, and is rubbing the bridge of his nose. Exasperated, he asks: "Why... WHY would anyone order wine?"



Submitted July 23, 2017 at 10:59AM by dinosaurparty14

A man opened up his front door...

and then he entered the house!!

(it's ok if you don't laugh- it's a bit of an inside joke.)



Submitted July 23, 2017 at 11:55AM by do_0b

I got Inside a vacuum chamber once.

It was breath taking.



Submitted July 23, 2017 at 08:32AM by zackllas

I had to quit my vegetarian diet

Turns out they're a lot harder to catch than cows.



Submitted July 23, 2017 at 08:27AM by coderotten

I asked the librarian if the library had any books about paranoia.

She replied: "They're right behind you!!".



Submitted July 23, 2017 at 10:35AM by TheEssexian

What kind of bees drop things?

Fum-ble bees.



Submitted July 23, 2017 at 11:01AM by Johannes_Cabal_NA

Renault and Ford have joined forces to create the perfect small car for women…

Mixing the Renault 'Clio' and the Ford 'Taurus' they have designed the 'Clitaurus'.

It comes in pink, and the average male car thief won't be able to find it - let alone turn it on - even if someone tells him where it is and how to do it.

Rumour has it though, it can be a real bitch to start in the morning!

Some have reported that on cold winter mornings, when you really need it, you can't get it to turn over.

New models are initially fun to own, but very costly to maintain, and horribly expensive to get rid of.

Used models may initially appear to have kerb appeal and a low price, but eventually have an increased appetite for fuel, and the kerb weight typically increases with age.

Manufacturers are baffled as to how the size of the boot increases, but say that the paint may just make it LOOK bigger.

This model is not expected to reach collector status.

Most owners find it is best to lease one, and replace when it becomes troublesome.



Submitted July 23, 2017 at 06:36AM by madazzahatter

Three nurses in the morgue...

Three nurses went down to the morgue and found a dead guy lying there with a hard-on. " It's a shame to waste that!" exclaimed the first nurse, so she proceeds to ride him. The second nurse didn't hesitate to ride the guy after the first nurse was done, but the third was a bit hesitant because she said she was on her period, but she rode him anyway.

Then suddenly the man sat up alive. This took the nurses by surprise and each of them tried to apologize and said that they thought he was dead. Then the guy says, " I was dead, but after a couple of jump-starts and a blood transfusion, I feel fucking great!!!"



Submitted July 23, 2017 at 03:15AM by ZeekOwl91

What did the time-traveling cat say to it's younger self?

Are you kitten me?!



Submitted July 23, 2017 at 10:04AM by ozzyosmosis

My doctor recommended to eat at BurgerKing more often

Well he said I should not have McDonalds anymore, but I know what he meant.



Submitted July 23, 2017 at 08:23AM by UnforgivenVainGlory

Have you dads started doing yoga lately?

Because y'all are stretching for some of these...



Submitted July 23, 2017 at 07:39AM by Yesac88

What crime did the tree commit?

He committed treeson



Submitted July 23, 2017 at 06:17AM by SquawkMcQuawk

What do me and Donald Trump have in common?

We'd both date his daughter if she wasn't his daughter.



Submitted July 23, 2017 at 05:05AM by Cassie_HU

I got hit on the top of my head by a Japanese car part while walking during a storm this morning...

It was raining Datsun cogs...



Submitted July 23, 2017 at 05:34AM by madazzahatter

Eating Pasta with Dad

Was sitting with dad eating bolognaise the other night when I noticed there was a single piece of penne (tubular pasta) in the rest of the farfalle (bow tie) pasta.

 

I told dad and without missing a beat he replied "It must be an impasta."



Submitted July 23, 2017 at 03:14AM by ForcedSerendipity

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30 am. Can you believe that! 2:30 am?

Luckily for him I was still up playing my bagpipes.



Submitted July 23, 2017 at 04:29AM by 197708156EQUJ5

I got hit on the top of my head by a Japanese car part while walking during a storm this morning...

It was raining Datsun cogs...



Submitted July 23, 2017 at 05:33AM by madazzahatter

I was at a restaurant the other day when I heard the waitress scream, "Does anyone know CPR?"

I yelled back, "I know the whole alphabet." Everyone laughed. Well, except this one guy.



Submitted July 22, 2017 at 11:59PM by BamTheDudeIsHere

Open here to see a secret message.

A secret message



Submitted July 23, 2017 at 01:52AM by ilya17isbest

Saturday, July 22, 2017

Sex and bread..

A man and his wife are talking.

W- can you help me in the garden?

H- do i look like a fucking gardener?

W- well can you help with the door?

H- do i look like a fucking carpenter?

Man leaves for work. Comes back later and it's all done.

H- see I knew you could do it!

W- wasn't me. It was John the neighbor.

H- how much you pay him?

W- no money he gave me the choice between sex and bread.

H- I hope you gave him bread.

W- Do I look like a fucking baker?



Submitted July 22, 2017 at 11:54PM by the_highest

This morning, the doctor told me I was colorblind.

It came completely out of the orange.



Submitted July 22, 2017 at 10:33PM by iDewTV

The Dad Joke Project

It's simple: intentionally set your dads up for the worst puns imaginable and see if they take the bait. Post your results here.



Submitted July 23, 2017 at 12:15AM by ultimatedelman

Why does a chicken coop only have two doors?

If it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan.



Submitted July 22, 2017 at 06:12PM by diehlan

Expectant dads of Reddit, feel free to use this one:

"Do you know what it's going to be?"

"Human, I hope"



Submitted July 22, 2017 at 05:42PM by RadToTheBone86

A very unlucky man with one testicle

This is a very popular joke in Turkish, I'll try to translate.

There was this very unlucky man who only had one testicle. One day while he was travelling on a plane, the captain makes an announcement and tells that one of the engines of the plane have failed and one person must be thrown off the plane. To pick this person, they write everyone's seat numbers on papers and put them in a bag. And not surprisingly, the number pulled was this unlucky guy's seat. He was like "Ahh, man. I will jump only if you know the answer of the question I will ask". People agree and he asks this question by pointing to one of the other guys in the plane: "How many testicles I and this guy have in total?" Everyone answers confidently:"Four, of course four." The unlucky man laughs and pulls down his pants revealing his only testicle. The guy he pointed also pulls down his pants and he has three testicles.



Submitted July 22, 2017 at 05:03PM by templeoftheking

What do you get when you spell man backwards?

Flashbacks.



Submitted July 22, 2017 at 10:56AM by wackoclown

I made a sculpture in the likeness of my dear old dad: an infamous jewel thief who has never been caught.

Although now he's been busted.



Submitted July 22, 2017 at 08:45PM by garbagearmy

Girl, are you an orange soda?

Because I have a Crush on you...



Submitted July 22, 2017 at 08:57PM by Bonanza86

My daughter is a huge fan of The Arctic Monkeys

But she wasn't such a fan of my joke.

(If they ever make a tour stop within 250 miles, I think I now owe her concert tickets...)



Submitted July 22, 2017 at 03:43PM by GeckoDeLimon

What language do Elves learn?

The Elf abet



Submitted July 22, 2017 at 02:07PM by AllanCD

Dad wishing his daughter a happy birthday on Facebook



Submitted July 22, 2017 at 02:55PM by Flintor

A man really hated his wife's cat...

A man really hated his wife's cat. One day, unbeknownst to his wife, he put the cat in his car and took it to the end of the block and let it go. When he got home he saw that the cat had beat him home.

Undeterred, he put the cat in the car and took it a few miles across the city and tossed it out the car again. Upon returning home, he was astonished to see that the cat had beat him home again.

Determined at this point, the man took the cat and drove him across the city, over the river, through the woods, and clear across three counties before putting the cat outside and driving off.

Several hours later the man's wife was at home when the phone rang. She picked up and it was her husband.

"Is the cat there?" He asked.

"Yes..." she replied.

"Well put him on the phone, I'm lost"



Submitted July 22, 2017 at 11:46AM by SirChaseph

A man walked into a bar and asked for helicopter flavoured and crisps...

Sorry sir, we only have plane!



Submitted July 22, 2017 at 12:53PM by VideoNutterhead

What do you call a chicken who trips over its own feet?

Scrambled legs.



Submitted July 22, 2017 at 01:29PM by electropriest

Yo mama so fat...

I pictured her in my head and broke my neck.



Submitted July 22, 2017 at 10:34AM by Azraels_Fear

Why shouldn't you wear shorts in Ukraine?

Because chernobyl fallout...



Submitted July 22, 2017 at 11:29AM by superdrew91

At age 13, Little Johnny was blessed with an eight inch penis.

And three years later, that priest went to prison.



Submitted July 22, 2017 at 10:58AM by FBAHobo

I know every single digit of pi!

Just not in the right order



Submitted July 22, 2017 at 10:02AM by Utkar22

It's a well-known fact that Hitler...

It's a well-known fact that Hitler often consulted astrologists and people involved in the occult to get direction while Germany fought in World War II.

One day he decided to thank his chief astrologer and called him into his office to say, "we've done really well in the war and I'm grateful for your advice. I'm wondering something though, how come you never told me something that would be important to me  like when will I die?"

The astrologer said "Mein Fuhrer, you never asked."

Hitler says "I'm asking you now, do you know the day I'm going to die?"

The astrologer says "as a matter of fact I do know the day. You're going to die on a Jewish holiday."

Hitler is shocked, "that's a horrible thing - a Jewish holiday! What Jewish holiday am I going to die on?"

The man says. "Any day you die will be a Jewish holiday."



Submitted July 22, 2017 at 07:08AM by SalesAutopsy

I gave away all my dead batteries today..

free of charge.



Submitted July 22, 2017 at 09:13AM by Obelisk-3iL33N

What do you call a sarcastic proctologist?

A smart ass doctor



Submitted July 22, 2017 at 10:21AM by JavaSwirl

A Mormon and an Irishman are on a plane.

A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London to the US.

After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."

The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice."



Submitted July 22, 2017 at 08:40AM by Pakstaa_