Sunday, December 31, 2017

Is this sub dead?

I haven’t seen any posts all year



Submitted January 01, 2018 by vitalbumhole

Today a girl kissed me.

I wish I could post it in another subreddit.



Submitted January 01, 2018 at 12:15AM by popeye2266

Omg is this sub still active it’s been a year since anyone’s posted.

No text found

Submitted January 01, 2018 at 01:01AM by USAneedsAJohnson

My friend told me that with the wind chill, it felt like 0 degrees outside.

I told him that means nothing to me.



Submitted January 01, 2018 at 12:34AM by boblamb58

I can’t believe New Years is in 364 days

And there are people in Times Square already



Submitted January 01, 2018 at 12:14AM by _TeamCobra_

I remember 2017 like it was yesterday...

No text found

Submitted December 31, 2017 at 08:30PM by dothepropellor

Is this sub still active?

There hasn’t been any posts all year.



Submitted December 31, 2017 at 11:59PM by I_Fart_Liquids

What do you call a hippie’s wife?

Mississippi



Submitted December 31, 2017 at 08:51PM by ricekrispies17

Why do babies come out after 9 months?

Because they get so big, they run out of womb!



Submitted December 31, 2017 at 09:54PM by Ghosttwo

"See you tomorrow," my friend said.

"Nah," I said. "I'll see you next year."



Submitted December 31, 2017 at 10:21PM by Bonanza86

What do you call a man from Pakistan who's been everywhere and done everything?

Bindair Dundat



Submitted December 31, 2017 at 05:58PM by SirReginaldBartleby

Why shouldn't you get into a fight with a match?

Because when you strike it, you're just firing it up.



Submitted December 31, 2017 at 10:16PM by theninja94

What is God's favorite chord?

Gsus



Submitted December 31, 2017 at 04:36PM by xorcon1

A woman got wooden breast implants yesterday... It would be funny if this joke had a punchline

Wooden tit



Submitted December 31, 2017 at 03:32PM by 420-Neal-It

Can’t believe it’s nearly 1996

and they haven’t found a cure for Alzheimer’s



Submitted December 31, 2017 at 06:42PM by Martay1981

So an old friend called and asked me if I could loan her $400 to help her pay the rent.

I told her to give me a minute and let me check my bank account and I'll call her right back." Before I could check my funds, her sister called and said, "Don’t give her any money because she's been lying!" Her sister proceeded to tell me that she wants to use that $400 to get her baby daddy out of jail because she wants to be under the same roof with him for New Years!!! So I thought about it for a minute and decided to go ahead and give her $400. Crazy with it being the holidays right?

I called her and said, "Come on, I got you." A couple hours later, I got a call from the County jail, and it was her. She asked me "Why did you give me counterfeit money?"

I told her, "Well, I heard you were talking about how you wanted to be under the same roof as your baby daddy, so there you go.”



Submitted December 31, 2017 at 02:37PM by WithOneSipOfTea

I hate when people ask how I see myself in 3 years

I don’t have 2020 vision

This is the only day you can upvote this



Submitted December 31, 2017 at 06:56PM by bushdiid911

What do you get when you roll two prisms together?

A collideoscope



Submitted December 31, 2017 at 07:38PM by HGF88

How do you make rice wine cold?

Remove the "r."



Submitted December 31, 2017 at 07:18PM by CloverPixels

Is this sub still active?

There hasn't been a single post all year.



Submitted December 31, 2017 at 07:21PM by --____--____--____

The best thing about telling a clean joke at the office is that there is a very good chance no one has ever heard it.

No text found

Submitted December 31, 2017 at 06:18PM by plumber430

My new year's resolution is 2560x1440

No text found

Submitted December 31, 2017 at 01:09PM by BestUserEU

I've waited all year to post this one

1



Submitted December 31, 2017 at 03:04PM by RealEoin4321

TIL why scuba divers fall backwards into the water

Because if they fall forward, they would land in the boat.



Submitted December 31, 2017 at 01:00PM by scotty_mo2424

I hate it when people say I am average.

That’s so mean.



Submitted December 31, 2017 at 02:00PM by gocards2579

It's so cold out, we had to chop up our piano for firewood.

We only got two chords.



Submitted December 31, 2017 at 01:12PM by mrlifetraveler

Remember not to kiss after midnight, folks.

It's not proper to kiss on a first date.



Submitted December 31, 2017 at 11:56AM by itsmrmarlboroman2u

Why did the moon hide itself when it cried?

It was in mourning.



Submitted December 31, 2017 at 10:48AM by 3Dbabble

An Arab and a Doctor

An Arab and a Doctor are Building an identical house next to each other in the same street.

After their houses are build the Arab says to the doc. "Hey Doc. You know my house is worth more than yours"

The doctor says: "dude don't be silly, we have the identical house in the same street how could yours be more worth than mine?"

The Arab replies: "well my house is in a good neighborhood as it is next to the house of a doctor, yours is in a shitty neighborhood next to some dirty Arab guy"



Submitted December 31, 2017 at 08:30AM by FreeFridolin

Why can’t a T-Rex clap it’s hands?

Because they are extinct.



Submitted December 31, 2017 at 07:57AM by lyle232

"My dad got me with this one: 'Did you hear the news? FedEx and UPS are merging. They’re going to go by the name Fed-Up from now on.'”

No text found

Submitted December 31, 2017 at 10:14AM by AshleyJack

How do you notice a dad?

It's a parent.



Submitted December 31, 2017 at 09:48AM by Krycer

Is this sub still active? I haven’t seen any posts all year

No text found

Submitted December 31, 2017 at 09:01AM by Clamriod

A guy asks for a tattoo of a $100 bill on his penis...

...Curious, the tattoo artist asks him why he would possibly want that.

He replies, "Three reasons: I like to play with my money, I like to watch my money grow, and $100 seems to be the only thing my wife will blow these days."



Submitted December 31, 2017 at 04:35AM by Flying_Dutchmen_13

As a wizard, I enjoy turning objects into glass

Just wanted to make that clear



Submitted December 31, 2017 at 07:47AM by GengusDad

Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year

Today's going to be great!



Submitted December 31, 2017 at 08:18AM by jfb1337

My baggage was lost on a layover in Helsinki

Guess it must have disappeared into FinnAir



Submitted December 31, 2017 at 09:52AM by Scatterpulse

Do I have insomnia?

I've been awake this entire year.



Submitted December 31, 2017 at 08:33AM by PM_ME_YOUR_COE_COSTS

I'd never take part in a pie-eating competition

It's totally irrational, it would just go on forever.



Submitted December 31, 2017 at 08:41AM by Reddym

I hate when people ask where i see myself in two years, its not like i have 2020 vision

No text found

Submitted December 31, 2017 at 08:01AM by BasicallyYoutube

Lift your left leg up for over a minute when it's 11:59:30 tonight

That way you start 2018 off on the right foot!



Submitted December 31, 2017 at 07:47AM by badpunforyoursmile

I'm going to buy a 6k monitor for 2018

It's my new year's resolution.



Submitted December 31, 2017 at 05:48AM by kurthertz

I like to imagine the guy who invented the umbrella was going to call it the ‘brella’...

But he hesitated...



Submitted December 31, 2017 at 04:11AM by madazzahatter

I'm so tired I could sleep for the rest of the year

No text found

Submitted December 31, 2017 at 07:17AM by brewski82

What starts with an E and ends with an E, but often only has one letter?

An Envelope.

Since we're on the topic of envelopes....



Submitted December 31, 2017 at 07:27AM by sacca7

Kid1: Hey Dad why am I called lily?

Dad: Because a lily petal fell on your head when you were a baby.

Kid2: Hey Dad why am I called rose?

Dad: Because a rose petal fell on your head when you were a baby.

Kid3: herdurrrrahduhrgh#%*?

Dad: Shut up Cinderblock



Submitted December 31, 2017 at 01:48AM by poopstaim

A girl is having sex with her boyfriend [NSFW]

At her parents house. Her father after being woken by the noises goes upstairs to check it out, and walks in on them.

"Dad!" she exclaimed in a panic "... I'm sorry"

The dad being a dad replies "Hi Sorry! I'm Dad!"

He then turns to the boyfriend and asks "Are you fucking Sorry?"



Submitted December 30, 2017 at 07:42PM by devilsaint38

Saturday, December 30, 2017

What do you call a Jewish clown?

Pennywise



Submitted December 30, 2017 at 06:34PM by msief

Where do dogs go to school?

UC Barkley



Submitted December 30, 2017 at 10:57PM by kbzero

What do call some one who watches chickens?

Chicken tenders



Submitted December 30, 2017 at 11:34PM by Jackcapatina12

If my son refuses to take a nap...

Is he resisting a rest?



Submitted December 30, 2017 at 09:32PM by ISwearImAGod

What do you call a tiger which falls in love with deer..

.. a preydater.



Submitted December 30, 2017 at 11:13PM by hardiWebPilot

A Mother superior and two novices were killed in a bus crash.

They soon found themselves at the pearly gates. St. Peter greeted all three.

"Welcome sisters, Mother superior. What a great honor to have you here." he said. Then a little more softly, he said.

"Unfortunately, we've had a few people slipping into heaven disguised as nuns. I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you some skill testing questions."

The first novice stepped up bravely and said

"Ask your question St. Peter. I'm not afraid."

"Well then" St. Peter said. "Who were the first man and woman and where did they live?"

The novice's face brightened.

"Oh that's easy St. Peter! Their names were Adam and Eve and they lived in the garden of Eden."

"Correct!" St. Peter said. Then he pressed the buzzer on his lectern and opened the pearly gates.

The second novice stepped up.

"Ask your question St. Peter, I'm not afraid." She said.

"Well" St. Peter asked. " What were Adam and Eve forbidden to do?"

The Novice smiled.

"Oh, that's easy St. Peter! They were forbidden to eat the fruit of the tree of knowledge."

"Right again!" Said St. Peter, and buzzed her in.

The mother superior stepped up.

"You've been in the game a bit longer, Mother Superior" St. Peter said. "So your question is a little more challenging. What is the first thing Eve said when she saw Adam?"

The Mother Superior stood there frowning in concentration.

"Gee, that's a hard one!" she said finally.

"Correct again!" Said St. Peter, and buzzed her in.



Submitted December 30, 2017 at 03:33PM by Dukeofurl111

I just asked my 7 year old son 150 questions while he played Minecraft...

It was payback for the last movie we watched together...



Submitted December 30, 2017 at 08:39PM by madazzahatter

I didn't mean to get all sappy, but..

.. I did just take the Christmas tree out to the curb.



Submitted December 30, 2017 at 08:53PM by wizard7926

I don't understand why dogs are called "Man's best friend."

Even my worst enemy wouldn't take a shit in my yard while staring me in the eye.



Submitted December 30, 2017 at 04:40PM by ITSMINES

Don’t be a Donald.

An airplane was about to crash. There were 4 passengers on board, but only 3 parachutes.

The first passenger said “I am a doctor on the verge of discovering a cure for cancer. I simply must survive so that millions of others may live”. And with that, the good doctor took one of the parachutes and jumped.

The 2nd passenger, Donald, said, 'I am the newly-elected US President, I won by the biggest margin ever, the American people adore me and I am the smartest President in American history, so my people don't want me to die.' He took the 2nd pack and jumped out of the plane.

The 3rd passenger, the Pope, said to the 4th passenger, a 10-year-old Muslim schoolboy, 'My son, I am old and don't have many years left, you have more years ahead so I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute.'

The little Muslim boy said, 'That's okay, Your Holiness, there's a parachute left for you. America 's smartest President took my schoolbag.



Submitted December 30, 2017 at 02:31PM by BASEbelt

I bought a box of condoms earlier today

The cashier asked if I'd like a bag. I said nah, I'll just turn the lights off.



Submitted December 30, 2017 at 06:18PM by pesmergareddit

Why did Santa buy a replacement cat?

Because he started to miss his claws.



Submitted December 30, 2017 at 06:59PM by kurthertz

If you ever encounter an ungrateful person from France

Show him no merci



Submitted December 30, 2017 at 07:08PM by porichoygupto

My Dad went out with a couple of guys called Barry Allen the other night.

He said it turned into a flash mob.



Submitted December 30, 2017 at 05:14PM by SeaDragonWhisperer

When you kiss your honey, and your nose is kind of runny, you may think it's funny, but it's not.

Snot



Submitted December 30, 2017 at 05:57PM by Religion__of__Peace

I’ve decided to get a new car: a Rolls Cannardly

It rolls down the hill and cannardly get up the next!



Submitted December 30, 2017 at 03:44PM by picklesmcgickles

I heard an amateur cultist try to summon Cthulhu...

...but I don't think he R'lyeh knew what he was fhtagn about.



Submitted December 30, 2017 at 03:29PM by ace_dreacon

My son and I go fishing just for the halibut.

The reel joke is in the comments.



Submitted December 30, 2017 at 03:15PM by DrSeuzz

Why do ethiopian children cry on their 6th birthday?

They hit a midlife crisis



Submitted December 30, 2017 at 11:37AM by Jaflgr

My new year's resolution is to stay out of shape

Maybe I won't stick with this one either.



Submitted December 30, 2017 at 10:42AM by gamermainer

How many ears does Captain Kirk have?

3 1 left ear 1 right ear And the final front ear



Submitted December 30, 2017 at 02:11PM by Deeman_27

Two boys are in class during religious education.

The first boy gets so bored that he falls asleep. The teacher then asks the class, "who created the earth?"

The second boy pulls out a needle and jabs his friend in the arm. He wakes up, startled, and yells, "God Almighty!"

"Correct," says the teacher.

The boy eventually drifts back to sleep. At the front of the class, the teacher asks, "who is the son of god?"

The boy's friend once again stabs him with the needle. He wakes up and yells, "Jesus Christ!"

"Correct," says the teacher.

Once more, the boy falls asleep. The teacher asks the class, "what did Eve say to Adam after their tenth child?"

The boy's friend stabs him in the arm, he wakes up and yells, "STICK THAT THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME AND I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR ASS!"



Submitted December 30, 2017 at 09:27AM by Tjurit

Dad, I’ve got something in my shoe.

Dad: Yeah, your foot.

I’ve also heard him say - Yeah, your finger [is in your eye]



Submitted December 30, 2017 at 01:01PM by iKoniKz64

why do cows have hooves instead of feet

because they lactose



Submitted December 30, 2017 at 08:40AM by jnnx3

What is an owl's favorite band?

The Who



Submitted December 30, 2017 at 12:23PM by beastskitta

What kind of underwear do long-distance runners wear?

Marathongs



Submitted December 30, 2017 at 12:34PM by BeardedBinder

You can throw an envelope as far as you want, but it’ll still be stationery.

No text found

Submitted December 30, 2017 at 11:48AM by InOPWeTrust

Four days late but, How does Good King Wenceslaus like his pizza?

Deep pan, crisp and even.



Submitted December 30, 2017 at 11:12AM by nongshim

Waiter: Sorry about the wait.

You: Are you calling me fat?



Submitted December 30, 2017 at 11:07AM by porichoygupto

Three men, a philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot, were out riding in the car when it crashed into a tree.

Before anyone knows it, the three men found themselves standing before the pearly gates of Heaven, where St. Peter and the Devil were standing nearby. "Gentlemen," the Devil started, "Due to the fact that Heaven is now overcrowded, St. Peter has agreed to limit the number of people entering Heaven. If anyone of you can ask me a question which I don't know or cannot answer, then you're worthy enough to go to Heaven; if not, then you'll come with me to Hell."

The philosopher then stepped up, "OK, give me the most comprehensive report on Socrates' teachings." With a snap of his finger, a stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The philosopher read it and concluded it was correct. "Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, the philosopher disappeared.

The mathematician then asked, "Give me the most complicated formula ever theorized!" With a snap of his finger, another stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The mathematician read it and reluctantly agreed it was correct. "Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, the mathematician disappeared too.

The idiot then stepped forward and said, "Bring me a chair!" The Devil brought forward a chair. "Drill 7 holes on the seat." The Devil did just that. The idiot then sat on the chair and let out a very loud fart. Standing up, he asked, "Which hole did my fart come out from?" The Devil inspected the seat and said,"The third hole from the right." "Wrong," said the idiot, "it's from my asshole." And the idiot went to heaven.



Submitted December 30, 2017 at 05:58AM by snortcokeeveryday

A man goes to the doctors as he thinks he’s going deaf

“What are the symptoms?” The doctor asks

“They’re that yellow family that live in Springfield”



Submitted December 30, 2017 at 08:01AM by Freddo720

How did Jesus get in such good shape?

Crossfit



Submitted December 30, 2017 at 09:20AM by MrFuguer206

A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint, when

a lizard walks past. The lizard looks up and says to the monkey “Hey! what are you doing?” The monkey says “Smoking a joint, come up and join me, my cold-blooded friend.” So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have another joint. After a while the lizard says his mouth is ‘dry’, and that he’s going to get a drink from the river. At the riverbank, the lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls in. A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the stoned lizard, helping him to the side. He then asks the lizard, “What’s the matter with you?!” The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting in the tree, smoking a joint with his new monkey friend. He then explained how his mouth got dry, and that he was so wasted that, when he went to get a drink from the river, he fell in! The inquisitive crocodile says he has to check this out. He walks into the jungle and finds the tree where the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint. He looks up and says “Hey, MONKEY!” The Monkey looks down and says “FUUUUUCK, DUDE……. how much water did you drink?”



Submitted December 30, 2017 at 05:23AM by snortcokeeveryday

Today in church they asked what a Bishop does

Apparently “move diagonally” wasn't the answer they were looking for.



Submitted December 30, 2017 at 03:44AM by ffs_fml

Two matches got in a fight at work….

One got struck and the other got fired.



Submitted December 30, 2017 at 10:08AM by Neworldsamurai

What's the difference between a poorly dressed man on a bicycle and a sharp dressed man on a unicycle?

Attire.



Submitted December 30, 2017 at 08:35AM by khaosktrl

A teacher asks her class, "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

A teacher asks her class, "What do you want to be when you grow up?" Little Johnny says "I wanna be a billionaire, going to the most expensive clubs, take the best bitch with me, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Hawaii, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel through Europe, an Infinite Visa Card and to make love to her three times a day". The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with the bad behavior of the child, decides not to give importance to what he said and then continues the lesson. "And you, Susie? " the teacher asks. Susie says "I wanna be Johnny's bitch.



Submitted December 29, 2017 at 10:55PM by jukesraj

Go kill that son of a bitch

One fine morning an English billionaire was taking a walk with his dog. Suddenly a Pakistani came out from the bushes and shot the poor dog three times. The dog died.

The billionaire screamed at the killer, “Why did you do that?”

The killer answered, "Your wife gave me £ 50,000 and told me: Go kill that son of a bitch.”

The billionaire hugged the killer and with tears in his eyes he said... "I am forever grateful to your English teacher.”



Submitted December 30, 2017 at 01:50AM by manlian19

Two Priests are in a burning Chruch

Priest 1 : WHAT ABOUT THE CHILDREN

Priest 2 : FUCK THE CHILDREN

Priest 1 : Do we have time?



Submitted December 30, 2017 at 12:32AM by Apple575

How does a squid go into battle?

Well armed.



Submitted December 30, 2017 at 03:13AM by madazzahatter

What did the fisherman say to the magician?

Pick a cod, any cod!



Submitted December 30, 2017 at 03:15AM by madazzahatter

What do you call anxious dinosaurs?

Nervous Rex.



Submitted December 30, 2017 at 03:15AM by madazzahatter

Why can't your nose be 12 inches long?

Because then it'd be a foot.



Submitted December 30, 2017 at 03:17AM by madazzahatter

Why did the poor man sell yeast?

To raise some dough.



Submitted December 30, 2017 at 03:14AM by madazzahatter

What's an astronauts favorite part of a computer?

The space bar.



Submitted December 30, 2017 at 03:14AM by madazzahatter

What do you call a baby monkey that's like its father?

A chimp off the old block.



Submitted December 30, 2017 at 03:16AM by madazzahatter

What do you call a monster who plays tricks on Halloween?

Prankenstein.



Submitted December 30, 2017 at 03:18AM by madazzahatter

What did the policeman say to his belly button?

You're under a vest.



Submitted December 30, 2017 at 03:18AM by madazzahatter

Why did the pig get hired by the restaurant?

He was really good at bacon.



Submitted December 30, 2017 at 03:15AM by madazzahatter

Friday, December 29, 2017

Intelligence is the first thing I look for in woman.

Because if she doesn’t have THAT, I may just have a chance.



Submitted December 29, 2017 at 07:56PM by raydeep

I didn’t know what to wear to my first Masturbaters Anonymous meeting the other day...

So I just came in my pants



Submitted December 29, 2017 at 07:03PM by ReubenZWeiner

You know what they say: “You’ve seen one mall, well then you’ve seen a mall”.

I’m not dad yet



Submitted December 29, 2017 at 09:35PM by ribrars

I was a 26 year old virgin until last night

Yesterday i turned 27!



Submitted December 29, 2017 at 04:15PM by MalcuuniMacaruuni

How many cops does it take to throw a black guy down the stairs?

None. He fell.



Submitted December 29, 2017 at 05:11PM by i-am-a-genius

I got a text from my next-door neighbor today.

I got a text from my next-door neighbor today.

It read:

Hi, Fred, this is Richard, next door. I’ve got a confession to make. I’ve been riddled with guilt for a few months, and I have been trying to get up the courage to tell you face-to-face.

At least I’m telling you in this text and I can’t live with myself a minute longer without you knowing about this. The truth is that when you’re not around I’ve been sharing your wife, day and night.

In fact, probably much more than you. I haven’t been getting it at home recently and I know that that’s no excuse. The temptation was just too great. I can’t live with the guilt and hope you’ll accept my sincere apology and forgive me. Please suggest a fee for usage and I’ll pay you.

Regards, Richard

I was so angered and betrayed, that I grabbed my gun, went next door, and shot Richard...killing him.

I went back home, and poured myself a stiff drink and sat down on the sofa.

Just then, I looked at my phone, and discovered a second text message from Richard.

Second text message:

Hi, Fred. Richard here again. Sorry about the typo on my last text. I expect you figured it out and noticed that the damned Auto-Correct had changed “wi-fi” to “wife.” Technology, huh? It’ll be the death of us all. Regards, Richard



Submitted December 29, 2017 at 03:39PM by DooleyMTV

Me: Is the dishwasher dirty?

Dad: No... Me: puts plate in sink Dad: ...but the dishes inside are. Me: moves plate to dishwasher



Submitted December 29, 2017 at 08:24PM by dj_rogers

What’s the difference between a snowman and a snowwoman?

Snow balls.



Submitted December 29, 2017 at 05:44PM by xTheAddy

What's the scariest thing about a white guy in a prison?

You know he actually did it.



Submitted December 29, 2017 at 05:15PM by i-am-a-genius

Me, to my wife: Do you want to have dinner with one of the Imperial rulers of Germany?

Her: I’m not going to Burger King again.



Submitted December 29, 2017 at 04:44PM by porichoygupto

Why are pirates so smart?

They just ARRRRRRRRRRRR



Submitted December 29, 2017 at 04:48PM by packiemcburgers

At work they call me the Big Cheese.

I’m pretty Gouda my job.



Submitted December 29, 2017 at 05:23PM by ladygaladriel95

To all of you idiots out there that drive loud cars, we hate you and get off our roads.

We don’t care how many “heart attack victims” you have to “take to the hospital.”



Submitted December 29, 2017 at 10:37AM by BigbooTho

A poor Irish family lives on a farm...

A poor Irish family lives on a farm and they rely on their single cow for income.

One morning, the father walks outside to find their cow dead.

"There is nothing that could help get us out of poverty now," says the dad as he shoots himself.

The mom walks outside and sees the dad and the cow on the ground.

"I can't live without my husband," she says as she shoots herself with her husband's gun.

The daughter walks outside and sees her mother, father and cow dead.

"I can't live any longer without my family," she says as she jumps into the river and kills herself.

The oldest son, 23 years old, walks outside looking for the family and sees them all dead.

"Is there anyway to bring them back," he yells at the sky.

Poof! A female leprechaun appears.

"I will bring your whole family back to life, even the cow," she says, "if you can fuck me 5 times in a row. If not I get to kill you."

The boy fucks her 3 times in a row and he dies.

The middle son, 19 years old, comes out and sees the leprechaun. She gives him the same offer as his brother.

"I will bring your whole family back to life, even the cow," she says, "if you can fuck me 5 times in a row. If not I get to kill you."

The son agrees to do it but can only do it 4 times. He dies.

The youngest son, 15 years old, comes out and is given the same offer.

"I will bring your whole family back to life, even the cow," she says, "if you can fuck me 5 times in a row. If not I get to kill you."

The son says, "What if I fuck you 10 times in a row?"

The leprechaun thinks. She says, "I will bring back your family and give you my pot of gold.

The son says, "What if I fuck you 20 times in a row?"

She thinks again and says, "I will bring back your family, give you my pot of gold and give you a mansion."

The son thinks and says, "What if I fuck you 30 times in a row?"

She thinks and says, "I will bring back your family and make you the richest man in Ireland."

The son says, "Wait, how do I know you will survive it?"

"What do you mean?" says the leprechaun.

"The cow didn't."



Submitted December 29, 2017 at 03:17PM by blitz_of_fire

What do you call the worker on a farm who takes care of the chickens?

The chicken tender



Submitted December 29, 2017 at 04:02PM by PikmanDude

What do you call a deli that doesn’t serve roast beef?

New Delhi

I’ll be here all week



Submitted December 29, 2017 at 05:16PM by DogAteProfile

A professor travels to Africa to live with a primitive tribe...

...and spends years with them, teaching them all about the wonders of science, mathematics, and formatting Reddit comments so they get the most upvotes. One day, the Chief's wife gives birth to... a white child!

The word spreads, and the entire tribe is in shock. The chief pulls the professor aside and says, "Look, you're the only white man we've ever seen around here, and this woman just gave birth to a white child. It doesn't take a genius to figure out what happened!"

The professor replied, "No, Chief. You're mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurrence, what we in the civilized world call an albino! Look at that field over there. All of the sheep are white except for one black one. Nature does this on occasion."

The chief was silent for a moment, then said, "Tell you what. You don't say anything more about that sheep and I won't say anything more about that white child."



Submitted December 29, 2017 at 10:34AM by Cloudy_sky_90

What do you call a dumb bar of soap?

Antifacterial

Ok.



Submitted December 29, 2017 at 02:25PM by hugo_kp_l

Guy: Can I buy you a drink?

Girl: Sorry, but alcohol is bad for my legs.

Guy: Do they swell?

Girl: No. They spread.



Submitted December 29, 2017 at 01:20PM by moneyman12239

What did the horse say after it tripped? "Help! I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup!”

No text found

Submitted December 29, 2017 at 01:25PM by AshleyJack

Meghan Trainor and Pinocchio are actually pretty similar...

They both have a whole lot of no’s



Submitted December 29, 2017 at 12:44PM by 5QUID_ink

What's your name?", asked the teacher.

"Mohammad," he replied.

"You're in Ireland now," replied the teacher, "So from now on you will be known as Mike."

Mohammad returned home after school.

"How was your day, Mohammad?", his mother asked.

"My name is not Mohammad. I'm in Ireland and now my name is Mike”.

"Are you ashamed of your name? Are you trying to dishonor your parents, your heritage, your religion? Shame on you!"

And his mother beat the shit out of him. Then she called his father, who beat the shit out of him again.

The next day Mohammad returned to school. The teacher saw all of his fresh bruises.

"What happened to you, Mike?", she asked.

"Well shortly after becoming an Irishman, I was attacked by two damn Arabs."



Submitted December 29, 2017 at 11:18AM by Cloudy_sky_90

PSA: Before leaving work today...

Be sure to tell your coworkers you'll see them next year!



Submitted December 29, 2017 at 11:04AM by aplus13

Did you know if you look closely, all mirrors have eyes.

No text found

Submitted December 29, 2017 at 10:59AM by IsaiaHarris03

Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina...

One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor.

The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much.

The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.



Submitted December 28, 2017 at 10:54PM by madazzahatter

If Mary gave birth to Jesus and Jesus is the lamb of God,

Does that mean Mary had a little lamb?



Submitted December 29, 2017 at 04:43AM by OffendedOrBusy

Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns…

…or is it just me?



Submitted December 29, 2017 at 08:31AM by madazzahatter

MOM: "How do I look?

DAD: "With your eyes."



Submitted December 29, 2017 at 09:39AM by AshleyJack

It was so cold this morning

My my phone’s weather app froze.



Submitted December 29, 2017 at 08:27AM by typefourrandomwords

A man and his son were at a bar. The man is standing near the dartboard.

When one dart almost hits him, the man says, "look son I'm Dart Evader!"

The son says, "stop it dad."

The man says, "look, no, I am your father."



Submitted December 29, 2017 at 09:06AM by 51707

I saw a bird eating a piece of avocado toast...

It was some kind of millennial falcon.



Submitted December 29, 2017 at 08:39AM by Said212

How to lose weight easy

Fantastic exercise that really helps you to lose weight: Turn your head to the left. Good. Turn your head to the right. Very good. Repeat this exercise whenever you are offered any food



Submitted December 29, 2017 at 09:24AM by Lyle_Acevedo

My father left when I was young,

So I named myself Sue, and hunted him down.



Submitted December 29, 2017 at 09:51AM by Neworldsamurai

“Son, I found a condom in your room.”

“Gee thanks, Grandpa!”

“Why are you calling me Grandpa?”

“Because I couldn’t find it yesterday.”



Submitted December 29, 2017 at 08:07AM by madazzahatter

A father in Iraq gave his daughter a new bag...

She said, “Thanks for the Baghdad.”



Submitted December 29, 2017 at 08:08AM by madazzahatter

Two cheese trucks ran into each other

De brie was everywhere.



Submitted December 29, 2017 at 06:28AM by AggressiveSpatula

With great reflexes...

...come great response ability.



Submitted December 29, 2017 at 06:50AM by sohaiboi

Police are like a box of chocolates.......

They'll kill your dog.



Submitted December 29, 2017 at 12:58AM by 007TLS

My son was thrown out of school

My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl wank him off. I said "son, that's three schools this year".

Maybe teaching isn't for you



Submitted December 29, 2017 at 03:15AM by JOS-Rev

Two cheese trucks ran into each other

De brie was everywhere.



Submitted December 29, 2017 at 06:29AM by AggressiveSpatula

Why does Ariel wear sea shells?

Because d shells are too big.



Submitted December 29, 2017 at 12:44AM by KaboomBaby4

A job at the Post Office

A guy goes to the post office to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"

He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."

"Have you ever served in the military?"

"Yes" he says, "I was in Iraq for two years."

The interviewer says, "That will give you five extra points towards employment." Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"

The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both of my testicles."

The interviewer grimaces and then says, "Okay. You are a disabled veteran; you've got enough points for me to hire you right now."

"Our normal hours are from 8:00 AM to 4:00 PM. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 AM, plan on starting at 10:00 AM every day."

The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00 AM to 4:00 PM, why don't you want me here until 10:00 AM?"

"This is a government job," the interviewer says. "For the first two hours we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls."

"No point in you coming in for that."



Submitted December 28, 2017 at 10:35PM by archangel09

Just read a joke about Oedipus and Midas

It was mother fucking gold!



Submitted December 29, 2017 at 12:31AM by arakele

I’m only familiar with 25 letters in the English language. I don’t know why.

No text found

Submitted December 28, 2017 at 11:13PM by IsaiaHarris03

I only believe in 12.5% of the bible...

Which makes me an eighth theist...



Submitted December 28, 2017 at 11:19PM by madazzahatter

Thursday, December 28, 2017

Did you hear about the Buddhist monk who refused Novocain during a root canal?

He wanted to transcend dental medication...



Submitted December 28, 2017 at 10:56PM by madazzahatter

A Muslim enters a building

Along with 500 passengers and an airplane.



Submitted December 28, 2017 at 05:08PM by wackoclown

What food would they serve at Romeo and Juliet's wedding?

Cant-elope.



Submitted December 28, 2017 at 06:54PM by Breakfast_Explosion

A priest has a heart attack and is rushed to hospital

When he wakes up, he is being raced through the corridors on a gurney. Disoriented, he asks, "am I in heaven?"

"No, replies the nurse. "We're just taking a shortcut through the children's ward."



Submitted December 28, 2017 at 08:15PM by samfox11223

A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption...

One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named Amal.

The other goes to a family in Spain.

They name him Juan.

Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother.

Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal.

He responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."



Submitted December 28, 2017 at 10:58PM by madazzahatter

The friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds...

Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought this was unfair.

He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not.

He went back and begged the friars to close.

They ignored him.

So the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close.

Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop.

Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that: Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.



Submitted December 28, 2017 at 10:59PM by madazzahatter

There was a man who entered a local newspaper's pun contest...

He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win.

Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.



Submitted December 28, 2017 at 11:01PM by madazzahatter

In the great desert lived a band of nomads...

Their leader, Benny, had risen to his rank due to his magnificent beard.

His people believed a man's strength and courage came from his beard, and thus the man with the biggest beard was their chief.

After leading the band for many years, Benny began to fell uncomfortable wearing the beard, in this hot and dusty land.

He wanted to shave it off, so he called his council together to get their advice.

When he said he wanted to shave, the councilmen were shocked.

One said, "Do you not remember the ancient legend, Sire. The leader who removes his beard is cursed and made into a piece of earthenware."

Benny had heard this legend, but being a modern man, he scoffed at the tale.

Being headstrong, he went ahead and cut and scraped away his once magnificent beard.

As the final whisker was cut off, a huge dust storm came up.

It lasted only a few seconds and when it cleared, there was a man-sized clay vessel where only moments before had stood their leader.

The council then knew the legend must be true.

Their conclusion?

"A Benny shaved is a Benny urned."



Submitted December 28, 2017 at 11:04PM by madazzahatter

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories...

After an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.

"But why?" they asked, as they moved off.

"Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."



Submitted December 28, 2017 at 10:54PM by madazzahatter

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West...

He slides up to the bar and announces, "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."



Submitted December 28, 2017 at 10:55PM by madazzahatter

A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat...

He came across two men.

One was sitting under a tree and reading a book the other was typing away on his typewriter.

The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him.

Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest and writers cramp.



Submitted December 28, 2017 at 11:01PM by madazzahatter

Two atoms are walking down the street and they run into each other...

One says to the other, "Are you all right?"

"No, I lost an electron."

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah, I'm positive."



Submitted December 28, 2017 at 11:02PM by madazzahatter

Slutty girls are like Wal-Marts

Everyone makes fun of them but when you're inside one at 4am, you think "Thank God these are here"



Submitted December 28, 2017 at 08:36PM by devilsaint38

Every time I put my car on reverse, I look at my family and say

Ahhhh. This takes me back.



Submitted December 28, 2017 at 07:37PM by porichoygupto

Our teacher was supposed to read us Shakespeare today, but she wasn't there. So instead, the

subreddit.



Submitted December 28, 2017 at 04:06PM by GoodnightTwinkletoes

When my father said he had a 'Dad bod', I wanted to correct him so I said "No, to me it's more like a FATHER FIGURE."

No text found

Submitted December 28, 2017 at 04:48PM by maryfountain

There's a fine line between alternating current and direct current...

AC/DC



Submitted December 28, 2017 at 03:41PM by jworkmusicofficial

Did you hear about the Mexican train killer

He had locomotives



Submitted December 28, 2017 at 01:50PM by b0b_l0b_law

My friend recently got crushed by a pile of books

But he’s only got his shelf to blame



Submitted December 28, 2017 at 01:54PM by b0b_l0b_law

What is the definition of trust?

Two cannibals blowing each other



Submitted December 28, 2017 at 09:27AM by blackholes__

A man walks into a pub

The barman asks "Why the long face?"

The man replies "I just found out my wife is sleeping with another man. So I have decided I'm going to drink myself to death."

The barman looks shocked and says "I'm sorry I can't help you commit suicide at all let alone in my pub!"

The man asks "Well what would you do in my situation?"

The barman leans in and says "If I found out a guy was sleeping with my wife I wouldn't sit around feeling sorry for myself, I'd kill the guy."

The man jumps up from his stool and shouts "That's a great idea! Thanks!" and runs out of the pub.

A couple hours goes by and the barman is starting to get nervous when the man walks back into the pub with a smile on his face.

"Did you kill the guy?" The barman asks nervously.

"Nope! I slept with your wife. Whiskey please



Submitted December 28, 2017 at 11:06AM by RivenCenturion

A magician was walking down the street when he turned into a grocery store

No text found

Submitted December 28, 2017 at 01:55PM by b0b_l0b_law

A man is sunbathing on a nude beach

To prevent a sunburn, he covers his most important organ with a hat.

A woman passes by and notices the hat.

She says, "Sir, a real gentleman always lifts his hat in front of a lady."

The man replies, "Ma'am if you were a real lady, the hat would've lifted itself."



Submitted December 28, 2017 at 08:56AM by wackoclown

What language is most commonly used by programmers?

Vulgar



Submitted December 28, 2017 at 10:05AM by Theblademan

I'm learning woodwork, but it's taking a long time.

I wish it was a whittle faster.



Submitted December 28, 2017 at 12:49PM by SweetShakes

Why did the prostitute get angry after having sex in an apple orchard?

Because her client came in cider.



Submitted December 28, 2017 at 07:53AM by drizzydraino

In Pokemon, I never understood why bug types were supereffective against dark types.

But then I thought about malaria in Africa and it all made sense.



Submitted December 28, 2017 at 10:14AM by olympic_winer

I used to like french toast

But making it is such a pain



Submitted December 28, 2017 at 11:13AM by JavaSwirl

Dad: Are you and your girlfriend arguing over whether to call each other bae...

Or debaeting?



Submitted December 28, 2017 at 11:26AM by Trumpeter1112

You're American when you go into the bathroom, and you're American when you come out, but do you know what you are while you're in there? European.

No text found

Submitted December 28, 2017 at 10:40AM by AshleyJack

What do you call a machine that makes a ton of the letter s?

A s lot machine.



Submitted December 28, 2017 at 11:16AM by takemytwixbyforce

What did the intergalactic cookie say to the other intergalactic cookie?

Beam me up biscotti.



Submitted December 28, 2017 at 10:42AM by BeardedBinder

What did the shoe say to the gum?

Stick with me, you'll go places



Submitted December 28, 2017 at 02:02AM by knee_growedz

Two blondes fell down a hole.

One said, "It's dark in here, isn't it?"

The other replied, "I don't know, I can't see."



Submitted December 28, 2017 at 06:40AM by Dillz97

Bob came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife and fell into a deep slumber...

He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, "You died in your sleep, Bob."

Bob was stunned. "I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!"

St. Peter said, "I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken."

Bob was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home.

The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground.

A rooster strolled past. "So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?"

"Not bad." replied Bob the hen. "But I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!"

"You're ovulating." explained the rooster. "Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?"

"Never." said Bob.

"Well, just relax and let it happen." says the rooster. "It's no big deal."

Bob did and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg!

Bob was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood.

He soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming.

As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife yell.....

"BOB, wake up!! You've shit the bed!"



Submitted December 27, 2017 at 11:47PM by madazzahatter

Barber: You have nice hair...

Me: Thanks, I grew it myself.



Submitted December 28, 2017 at 09:41AM by nam_sdrawkcab_ehT

At my daughter's wedding.

Today I give you my princess to become your queen. Sorry but just like Prince Philip you don't get to be King.



Submitted December 28, 2017 at 09:20AM by Sparkei1ca

Elements don't always make the best of friends

But oxygen and potassium seem to be OK.



Submitted December 28, 2017 at 06:56AM by chacham2

As I sashayed around our living room, I shouted out to my family, " I'm like the fabric version of King Midas!"

"Everything I touch becomes felt!"



Submitted December 28, 2017 at 06:02AM by madazzahatter

Did you hear about the Italian chef who died?

He pasta-way



Submitted December 28, 2017 at 04:52AM by jnnx3

What do you call it when a lighthouse, rose trellis, windstorm, dune, and Halloween costume get together?

A beacon, lattice, and tornado sand witch.



Submitted December 28, 2017 at 02:39AM by chacham2

Mick Jagger's dog asked his friend, Patricia Whack, for a loan, offering a small item as collateral.

Puzzled, she asked her husband what it was. "It's a knick knack, Patty Whack. Give the dog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."



Submitted December 28, 2017 at 02:40AM by chacham2

Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married...

The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.



Submitted December 28, 2017 at 12:07AM by madazzahatter

What do you call a fruit that doesn’t want to get married?

A Cantaloupe



Submitted December 28, 2017 at 01:52AM by kiehls

What is Whitney Houston's favorite type of coordination?

Haaaand eyeeeeeeeeeee



Submitted December 27, 2017 at 08:39PM by DANNYSTU

What sort of shoes does a grizzly wear?

None. He goes barefoot.



Submitted December 28, 2017 at 02:37AM by chacham2

What's it called when you thank a Frenchman to death?

a merci killing



Submitted December 27, 2017 at 11:28PM by dokh

Watching the news with my parents when this happened:

Newscaster: ...and in health news, a study showed that frequent orgasms help support immunity....

Mom: Honey, that must be why you’re never sick (winks)

Dad: Yeah, that’s because I’m self-medicated!



Submitted December 27, 2017 at 11:08PM by WhatDoor

How do you know when a joke becomes a dad joke?

When it becomes ap-parent



Submitted December 28, 2017 at 12:39AM by Emister_Dibster

Young Chuck moved to Texas and bought a donkey from a farmer for $100...

The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.

The next day he drove up and said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died."

Chuck replied, "Well, then just give me my money back."

The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."

Chuck said, "OK, then, just bring me the dead donkey."

The farmer asked, "What ya gonna do with him?"

Chuck said, "I'm going to raffle him off."

The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"

Chuck said, "Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead."

A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, "What happened with that dead donkey?"

Chuck said, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars apiece and made a profit of $898.00."

The farmer said, "Didn't anyone complain?"

Chuck said, "Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back."

Chuck now works for Wall Street.



Submitted December 27, 2017 at 10:11PM by 12555

Wednesday, December 27, 2017

What does a nosey pepper do?

Gets jalapeno business!



Submitted December 28, 2017 at 12:47AM by itim__office

Don't try and write with a broken pencil.

It's pointless...



Submitted December 28, 2017 at 12:10AM by madazzahatter

Today i asked the hot girl at my gym what her new year resolutions were.

She said «Fuck you». So im pretty exited for 2018



Submitted December 27, 2017 at 09:01PM by xXiLoveBaconXx

A devout Christian guy went to a remote island to work as a missionary but was captured by a tribe of cannibals who cooked and ate him...

He was very tender and tasty, but they were all suddenly violently sick afterwards.

Which just goes to show that you can't keep a good man down.



Submitted December 28, 2017 at 12:11AM by madazzahatter

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak, were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft...

Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again, that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.



Submitted December 28, 2017 at 12:11AM by madazzahatter

A doctor had a regular habit of stopping off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home every evening...

The bartender learned his habit and would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m.

One afternoon, as five o'clock approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnut extract.

Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar.

The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, "This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!"

"No, I'm sorry." replied the bartender. "It's a hickory daiquiri, doc."



Submitted December 28, 2017 at 12:13AM by madazzahatter

A guy goes to a psychiatrist and says, "Doc, I keep having these alternating, recurring dreams. First I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam; then I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with me?!"

The doctor replies, "It's very simple. You're two tents."



Submitted December 28, 2017 at 12:14AM by madazzahatter

Wanna hear a joke about a piece of paper?

Never mind, it's tearable...



Submitted December 28, 2017 at 12:09AM by madazzahatter

Two cannibals are eating a clown and one says to the other...

"Does this taste funny to you?"



Submitted December 28, 2017 at 12:08AM by madazzahatter

Why did the fish cross the road?

For the halibut.



Submitted December 27, 2017 at 10:26PM by cayce_leighann

How do you make Anti-Freeze

You take away her blanket



Submitted December 27, 2017 at 07:31PM by El_Nino1319

How do you make holy water?

You boil the hell out of it!



Submitted December 27, 2017 at 10:09PM by Lumber__Zach

Did you hear about why the train conductor committed murder?

It was a loco motive.



Submitted December 27, 2017 at 08:06PM by TxAzure

I was in an online relationship with a vegan. One day, she suddenly ended it.

I don't get it, though. All I said was that I've love to meat her next year...



Submitted December 27, 2017 at 09:40PM by Bonanza86

We were concerned we wouldn't be able to close the flu during dinner

My wife looks over at the fire and says, "It's just embers now"

"Emberasing"

Wife, to my daughter: "Daddy wants a divorce!"



Submitted December 27, 2017 at 08:41PM by NavarrB

So, we're driving cross country on the way to my brother's wedding...

And we were getting close to a rest area so I asked the kids in the backseat "do you need to use the bathroom? Speak now or forever hold your pee!"



Submitted December 27, 2017 at 07:22PM by ravendemyseri

I like to tackle all of my neck problems...

head on



Submitted December 27, 2017 at 05:46PM by The_Norminator

What does a robot do at the end of a one night stand?

He nuts and bolts.



Submitted December 27, 2017 at 11:11AM by The-PC-guy

Someone tried to explain to me how power usage works.

I was like, "watt?"



Submitted December 27, 2017 at 01:59PM by crazytacoman4

My friend Charlie was trying to sell me some chickens and ducks. I wanted a duck but he kept trying to up-sell me a couple chickens, so I finally insisted:

“CHUCK, A DUCK’LL DO!”



Submitted December 27, 2017 at 04:30PM by DrSeuzz

Why do pimples never get paroled from prison?

Because they keep breaking out!



Submitted December 27, 2017 at 02:37PM by doylesrader

Teach your children to be polite and courteous, and when they grow up ...

... they'll never be able to merge onto the freeway!



Submitted December 27, 2017 at 02:48PM by doylesrader

The creation of a pussy

Seven wise men with knowledge so fine,

Created a pussy to their design.

First was a butcher, with smart wit,

Using a knife,he gave it a slit,

Second was a carpenter, strong and bold,

With a hammer and chisel, he gave it a hole,

Third was a tailor, tall and thin,

By using red velvet, he lined it within,

Fourth was a hunter, short and stout,

With a piece of fox fur, he lined it without,

Fifth was a fisherman, nasty as hell,

He threw in a fish and gave it a smell,

Sixth was a preacher, whose name was McGee,

He touched it and blessed it, and said it could pee,

Last came a sailor, a dirty little runt,

He sucked it and fucked it and called it a cunt.



Submitted December 27, 2017 at 12:33PM by Tendu_Leaves

Knock Knock!

Whos there? Mary and Abby! Mary and Abby who? Mary christmas and a Abby new year.



Submitted December 27, 2017 at 02:14PM by Flying_Dutchmen_13

What's the difference between a teacher and a train?

The teacher says "Spit out your gum" and the train says "Chew! Chew!"



Submitted December 27, 2017 at 02:15PM by doylesrader

A blonde, brunette, and a redhead are all in the 9th Grade. Which one is the sexiest?

The blonde, because she's the only one who's 18.



Submitted December 27, 2017 at 09:54AM by bird_lover_u

A man lost his luggage so he took the airline company to court

Apparently he lost his case



Submitted December 27, 2017 at 08:40AM by RastaYJZ

Dear People who are afraid of paedophiles

You need to grow up.



Submitted December 27, 2017 at 07:42AM by Contextlessmess

When checking out at Walmart I always pick the sexiest cashier...

I always end up at self checkout.



Submitted December 27, 2017 at 09:29AM by Miscman612

So I was Dad joked in the parking lot

So I just met a master jokester. The setting:

I came out of work across the parking lot and a car comes at me. So I cross and I hear him go, 'youre walking too fast for this place' it's a 55+ community. So I walk over to talk to him and he goes 'what are you doin here your awfully young to be here'

me: yeaah, I'm 10 years to young. I'm the new chef for your clubhouse'

Him: 'youll be cooking for old men'

Me: 'its a challenge'

Him: 'well I don't want to keep you're

Me: 'im just picking my dad up from physical therapy'

Him deadpan, 'well you might not want to do that'

Me: why?!

Him dead serious: well, because he's got to be heavy

Me: ... I can't believe I just got grandpop joked

Him: you better believe it



Submitted December 27, 2017 at 12:21PM by ZenPancakes

I’m so good at sleeping

I can do it with my eyes closed



Submitted December 27, 2017 at 12:37PM by Pedrophile101