Companies love it when you have field experience
Submitted September 26, 2017 at 01:52PM by FascinatedBox
Companies love it when you have field experience
It's nice, but I think they misunderstood me when I said, "I wanna watch"
It's a nice way to tell her i love her.
And also that we're outta napkins.
He did heroin
Not only was it embarrassing, but it cost a fortune in stamps.
Must have been the Bluetooth fairy!
A couple were Christmas shopping. The shopping center was packed , and as the wife walked through one of the malls she was surprised when she looked around to find that her husband was nowhere to be seen.
She was quite upset because they had a lot to do and she became so worried that she called him on her mobile phone to ask him where he was.
In a quiet voice he said, "Do you remember the jewelers we went into about five years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we couldn't afford, and I told you that I would get it for you one day?"
The wife choked up and started to cry and said, "Yes, I do remember that shop."
He replied, "Well, I'm in the bar next door."
"What if we had sex?" asks Neal.
"Are you crazy? Here, on the plane? It would be awkward, everyone would watch us doing it..."
"Nobody is even paying attention to anything. Look!"
Neal stands up and asks loudly:
"Could I have a pencil, please?"
Nobody gives a damn. Everyone is sleeping, reading, looking out the window, etc.
"They really wouldn't care then, would they?" says Bob.
So Neal and Bob have wild sex on the plane.
Later, when the plane arrives to the airport and the people are leaving, the stewardess sees an old man who threw up all over his shirt, even his pants are soaking in the filth.
"Sir, you should've asked for a bag!"
"I didn't dare" whispers the old man. "A few rows ahead I saw a man asking for a pencil and he got fucked in the ass..."
Because it's really hard for geese to kill sharks.
Seriously though, fuck geese.
I said maybe
Doctor : Let me tell you a story: "There was once a Hunter who always carried a gun wherever he went. One day he took out his Umbrella instead of his Gun and went out. A Lion suddenly jumped infront of him. In order to scare the Lion, the Hunter used the Umbrella like a Gun, and shot the Lion, then it died!
Guy : Nonsense! Someone else must have shot the Lion..
Doctor : Good! You understood the story. Next patient please..
Must have been the Bluetooth fairy!
The power bank is now fully charged again.
beer nuts cost a few dollars, but deer nuts are just under a buck.
The first kid leans over and asks, What are you in here for?
The second kid says, I’m in here to get my tonsils out and I’m a little nervous.
The first kid says,You’ve got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of jelly and ice-cream. It’s a breeze.
Cool, says the second kid.What are you in here for?
Whoa! exclaims the second kid. Good luck, mate. I had that done just after I was born and I couldn’t walk for a year.
Apparently there's a Bounty on my head
I told him I'd be 100% down with that.
wakes up her husband and says: - Honey, I had a wonderful dream. I dreamed you gave me a diamond necklace for my birthday. What does it mean? The husband answers: - You'll know it on your birthday. The wife's birthday arrives and the husband enters the house with a package in his hand. The woman, excited, takes it from her hands, tears the paper nervously, quickly opens the box and finds a book titled: "The meaning of dreams."
All this time and nothing to Chauffeur it.
I hope I won't be grated!
Dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, BATMAN
She gave me some sound advice.
After all, Trump may trump May, or May may trump Trump
Dad: You’ve got to take all of her or it’s no deal.
He grabs a bag and heads to the the counter. The clerk apologizes, and informs him that he needs to have his dog with him to be able to purchase it.
"You mean I have to go all the way back home and get my dirty ass dog in my truck, and bring him all the way back here just to get some dog food?"
Again, the clerk apologizes and tells him that's just the policy. So, he goes and gets his dog then purchases the dog food.
A few days later, he comes back to get cat food. The clerk informs him they have the same policy for cats.
"Dammit, my barn cat hates people, do I really have to go back home and and get my face and hands all scratched up trying to catch him just so I can get some cat food?"
The clerk again apologies, and says he going to have to do that.
The next day the same man shows up to the store with a bag and puts it on the counter. The clerk asks what it is, and the man tells him to reach in and find out. The clerk puts his hand in, then quickly pulls it back out.
"AGH! IS THAT SHIT IN THE BAG?"
"Yes it is, I would like 6 rolls of toilet paper please."
He got a little behind in his business.
Teacher: "If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?" Johnny: "Seven." Teacher: "No, listen carefully... If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?" Johnny: "Seven." Teacher: "Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?" Johnny: "Six." Teacher: "Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?" Johnny: "Seven!" Teacher: "Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!" Johnny: "Because I've already got a freaking cat!"
"Mommy," the little girl asks, "How old are you?"
"Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother warns.
"It is not polite."
"OK," the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?"
"Now really," the mother says, "These are personal questions and are really none of your business."
Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and daddy get a divorce?"
"Those are enough questions, honestly!"
The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.
"My Mom wouldn't tell me anything," the little girl says to her friend.
"Well," said the friend, "All you need to do is look at her drivers license.
It's like a report card; it has everything on it."
Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are, you are 32."
The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?"
"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds."
The mother is past surprise and shock now.
"How in heaven's name did you find that out?"
"And," the little girl says triumphantly, "I know why you and daddy got a divorce."
"Oh really?" the mother asks.
"Because you got an F in sex.
just five more minutes
“He is a dick, Ted.”
It just keeps syncing...
The man sitting next to him looks over and says, "Eating that many chocolate bars is bad for you."
The boy looks over and responds, "My great grandfather lived to be one hundred and five".
The man replies, "And he ate that much chocolate?"
"No" says the boy, "he minded his own fucking business."
I asked if it was a good club. "No" he said. "It bites."
I went to return a T-Shirt to Banana Republic today. The item wasn't on my receipt so they asked me to swipe my credit card to see if they could find it in my purchase history.
Cashier: "Hmmm, that didn't work. Sir, would you mind re-swiping, I want to try your card again." Me: "It's a T-Shirt, not a cardigan" My 13 Year Old Son: 🙄
The doctor has her on the delivery table, legs up in the stirrups.
Suddenly, he sees the top of a head push through.
Then the baby pops its head out and says to the doctor, “Are you my dad?”.
The doctor says, “No, I am your doctor!”.
With that, the baby pops right back inside.
“Damn!”, says the doctor.
A short while later he sees the head push through again.
“Are you my dad?”, asks the baby.
“No, I am your doctor.”, he replies.
Once again the baby vanishes back into his mother’s womb.
The doctor turns to a nurse and says, “Nurse, get that baby’s father in here right away–we may have a situation on our hands!”.
Moments later the baby’s father is in the delivery room, and the baby’s head once again pops out.
“Are you my dad?”, the baby asks of the father.
The father replies, “Yes, little baby, I am your father!”
The baby then reaches up and begins poking his father in the forehead with his index finger–”How do you like that?”
Then I remember they feed off of attention.
On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him:
"I'm sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!"
The driver agrees: "You're right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I could give the conference in your place."
"That's a great idea!" says Einstein. "Let's switch places then!"
So they switch clothes and as soon as they arrive, the driver dressed as Einstein goes on stage and starts giving the usual speech, while the real Einstein, dressed as the car driver, attends it.
But in the crowd, there is one scientist who wants to impress everyone and thinks of a very difficult question to ask Einstein, hoping he won't be able to respond. So this guy stands up and interrupts the conference by posing his very difficult question. The whole room goes silent, holding their breath, waiting for the response.
The driver looks at him, dead in the eye, and says :
"Sir, your question is so easy to answer that I'm going to let my driver reply to it for me."
Food is awesome but there's just no atmosphere
A waste of space.
But in the end it doesn't even matter
He likes Tibet
Personally, I think Europe is the stupidest country in the world.
He asks the waitress “What can a guy get for a dime?” “Not much, how about a glass of water?” says the waitress. “Sure, that will do.” The homeless man sits at the counter and starts drinking his water. He notices a cowboy sitting a couple seats down the counter with a big bowl of chili. The homeless man continues to drink his water. All the while the bowl remains uneaten. Finally the homeless man asks the cowboy. “Are you going to eat that chili?” “Nope, it’s yours if you want it” says the cowboy. The homeless man takes the bowl and begins eating. When he gets to the bottom of the bowl, he finds a dead mouse. The homeless man immediately throws up back into the bowl. The cowboy looks at him and says “Yep, same thing happened to me.”
Then I shouldn't be single because my life is a fucking joke.
A Jewish man was leaving a convenience store with his espresso when he noticed a most unusual Italian funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary Italian man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking in single file.
The Jewish man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the Italian man walking the dog and said: "I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen an Italian funeral like this. Whose funeral, is it?"
''What happened to her?"
"She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her."
He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"
“My mother-in-law. She came to help my wife and the dog turned on her and killed her also."
It was a very poignant and touching moment of Jewish and Italian brotherhood. Silence passed between the two men.
The Jewish man then asked "Can I borrow the dog?"
The Italian man replied, "Get in line."
I used to worry if one of my hairs was out of place, now I don't care if they both are...
A Kung Fu student in ancient China goes to meet his wise old master. He says:
"Master, I keep trying but I cannot do the Kick of a Thousand Exploding Suns. Help me Master!"
His master gives him an anecdote.
"Have you seen the waves of the ocean crashing into the white cliffs while the sun sets, with no apparent purpose to them?"
"And have you seen the moon reflect upon the still surface of the lake, a mere reflection, and contemplate the meaning of it?"
"And have you seen the flocks of birds flying across the sky at sunset, and wonder about their purpose in life?"
"That's your problem! You keep looking at useless shit instead of practicing!"
The bartender says, "Hey, you've got a steering wheel on your pants." The pirate says, "Arrrr, I know. It's driving me nuts."
It's not my fault they don't have Windows.
and saw a fat chick dancing on a table. I said, "Nice legs"
The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so"
I said "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now"
Like you don't see med students calling themselves doctors or arts students calling themselves unemployed.
My wife and I are calling it a night and we hear an owl outside our window. After 15 mins, no more owl and it’s dead quite
My wife: thank God we can’t hear the owl anymore Me: Who? Wife: the owl Me: Who? Wife The OWL! Me: Who? Wife: ...groan go to bed Me: got her :)
A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony....
On his first day there, he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection.
The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, 'Did you call for me?'
The man replies, 'No, what do you mean?'
She says, 'You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me.'
Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.
The man continues to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the sauna and, as he sits down, he farts...
Within minutes, a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam-room toward him, 'Did you call for me?' says the hairy man.
'No, what do you mean?' says the newcomer.
'You must be new,' says the hairy man, 'it's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me.' The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.
The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist, 'May I help you?' she says.
The man yells, 'Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the $500 membership fee.'
'But, Sir,' she replies, 'you've only been here for a few hours. You haven't had the chance to see all our facilities.'
The man replies, 'Listen lady, I'm 70 years old. I only get an erection once a month. I fart 35 times a day...
But when I got home, all the signs were there
I look everywhere for said object, dad walks in and has it in his hand and goes "Here, why don't you use this one while we look for the other one?"
A young New York woman was so depressed she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean.
Just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young man stopped her. "You have so much to live for," he said. "I'm a sailor and we are off to Italy tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy. When we get to Italy you will be SO GLAD you're alive"
With nothing to lose and always wanting to see Italy, she accepted.
That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the ship's hold.
From then on, every night, he would bring her sandwiches, a bottle of red wine, and make love to her until dawn.
Two weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.
"What are you doing here?" asked the captain.
"I have an arrangement with a sailor," she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Italy."
"I see," The captain says.
Then her conscience got the best of her, and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me."
"He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."
Dad: Gets her nothing instead
A few minutes later, the dinner was served.
Husband: The food looks great. Let's eat. Wife: But honey, you always say a prayer before eating at home. Husband: That's at home, sweetie. I'm sure the chef here knows how to cook.
pi * z * z * a
The Doctor gave him a bottle to collect sperm.
The next day, the man came with the empty bottle and said he tried with his left hand then right hand. Then his wife tried with her left hand and right hand. Then his daughter-in-law tried with both hands & mouth. Then the neighbor's wife & daughter tried the same way..but could not open the damn bottle.
I know because they all told me within 5 seconds
A doctor was having an affair with his nurse.
Shortly afterward, she told him she was pregnant.
Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there.
"But how will I let you know the baby is born?" she asked.
He replied, "Just send me a postcard and write 'spaghetti' on the back.
I'll take care of expenses."
Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy.
Six months went by and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office and explained, "Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means."
The doctor said, "Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you."
Later that evening, the doctor came home, read the postcard, fell to the floor with a heart attack. Paramedics rushed him to the ER.
The lead medic stayed back to comfort the wife.
He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest.
So the wife picked up the card and read, "'Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti - Two with sausage and meatballs, two without.'"
I guess you could say they're doing pretty whale
Or else you'll get the cold shoulder.
A little boy returning home from his first day at school said to his mother, "Mom, what's sex?" His mother, who believed in all the most modern educational theories, gave him a detailed explanation, covering all aspects of the tricky subject. When she had finished, the little lad produced an enrollment form which he had brought home from school and said, "Yes, but how am I going to get all that into this one little square?"
A little boy comes home from school and tells his father, "I got an F in math today." His father replies, "What happened?" The boy says, "Well, my teacher asked me, 'What's 3 times 2', and I said 6.'" The father replies, "Well, that's correct." The boy says, "I know. Then she asked me, 'What's 2 times 3.'" The father then replies, "What the fuck is the difference?" The boys says, "That's what I said!"
A woman was at a gas station filling her car with gas. She inserted the nozzle and began filling the car with gas. As she waited for the car to fill, she lit a cigarette and began to smoke it. The car clicked to indicate it was full of gas, and she pulled the filler out of the car. Some gas leaked out of the filler onto her sweater arm, and a spark from the cigarette lit her arm on fire. The woman began to scream for help, and waved her arm about trying to put the fire out. A highway patrolman who happened to be nearby ran over and saw the woman flailing about in pain. Without hesitation, he pulled his handgun out of the holster and shot her three times. A few weeks later in court, the judge asked the patrolman why on earth he shot that woman? The patrolman answers, "well your honor, she was waving around a firearm!"
You have my Word.
One evening a father overheard his son saying his prayers "God bless Mommy, Daddy and Grammy. Goodbye Grampa."
Well, the father thought it was strange, but he soon forgot about it.
The next day, the Grandfather died.
A month later the father heard his sony saying prayers again: "God bless Mommy. God bless Daddy. Goodbye Grammy."
The next day the grandmother died.
Well, the father was getting more than a little woried about the whole situation.
One week later, the father once again overheard his sons prayers. "God Bless Mommy. Good bye Daddy."
This nearly gave the father a heart attack.
He didn’t say anything but he got up early to go to work, so that he would miss the traffic.
He stayed all through lunch and dinner.
Finally after midnight he went home.
He was still alive!
When he got home he appologised to his wife.
"I am sorry Honey. I had a very bad day at work today."
"You think you’ve had a bad day? YOU THINK YOU’VE HAD A BAD DAY!?" the wife yelled,
"The mailman dropped dead on my doorstep this morning!"
At least I avocado.
so they get bored with all the commercials and suddenly one of the two notices a bald guy in the middle of the front row. So he tells his friend '' 5 bucks if i go smash his head ? ''. The other guy curious about the outcome likes the idea so he agrees. The man stands up goes down the stairs smashes the bald guy on the head and says to him '' Hey Mike , long time no see man '' . The bald guy clearly surprised responds ''I believe you made a mistake sir'' so the guy replies '' I'm so so sorry sir '' and walks away. The two friends laugh and the man gives the 5 bucks to his rather bold friend. After 5 minutes the guy tells his friend again ''10 bucks if I do it again ? '' the friend agrees and so the man goes and smashes the bald guy's head again and says ''Hey mike how have you been man ? '' . The bald guy now clearly irritated tells him '' Hey man listen , i've already told you i'm not Mike '' and the guy responds '' A thousand apologies sir , won't happen again'' and goes back to his friend who is now dying of laughter while the bald guy in the front row switches seats and sits now in the corner. After receiving his money he tells his friend again '' 50 bucks if i do it one last time ? '' so his friend who is dying of curiosity agrees. Once again the man goes down and to the bald guy who is now sitting in the corner and smashes his head while shouting '' Oh come on Mike , you've been sitting here all along and i've been smashing that pour guy's head for 15 minutes ? ''
Husband: Gets her nothing instead
There would be mass confusion.
But then I turned myself around
Three food items are having a conversation at a bar.
The first one says "Soy milk."
The second one says "Hola! Soy sauce."
The third one says "Hola, mis amigos! Soy beans."
A hooker can wash her crack and resell it
I said "scissors, I win" and drove off... that fucker must really need a rematch because he's been chasing me for the last 20 minutes
That's a lot of information to swallow
Lawyer: He's in a cent
A farmer walks into the bar and sits down beside me looking extremely agitated.
"What's goin' on with ya Pete?"
"Ah jesus, Brian. So I got up early and was milking my biggest cow in her stall. I had a pail just about full when she kicked her right leg and spilled the entire thing."
"Aw Christ, Pete. I'm sorry about that."
"So, pissed off, I found a length of rope and tied her right leg to her stall so she wouldn't kick again and went back to milking her. I had this second pail just over half full when CRASH her left leg jolts and knocks it all over the floor. I'm fuming so I went and found another length of rope and tied her left leg to her stall nice and tight and propped the pail up again. No way to kick it over now, right?"
"Well about a quarter full, her tail whips around the handle of the bucket and sends it flying. So I go stomping around looking for another length of rope but couldn't find anything. I thought, ah, this bitch deserves the belt anyways. So I took off the belt holding up my pants and tied her tail to the crossbeam above her stall."
"Don't tell me she kicked it over again."
"Nah, then my wife walked in."
He was two-tired
The p is silent
He wakes up one night and opens the closet and he sees himself. Scared, he quickly calls the cops
"Police! There's a burglar in my closet, come quickly!"
A police man arrives at the idiots house and opens the closet and finds the mirror. He takes a step back and slaps the idiot as hard as he can
"Why did you call me when you already had a policeman inside?!"
His colleagues reported he was Alt of Ctrl when he made his Esc.
That's probably going to come back to bite me later
I doubt it, but she insisted that I was her sixty-second man.
I said nah, babies with big tits freak me out.
I think I was on board the mothership...
He's fine now..
Some flirting and fooling around later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands.
He then takes off his trousers and again washes his hands. Watching all this the girl says, ”You must be a dentist."
The guy, surprised, replies, “Why yes actually. How did you figure that out?" "Easy," she says, "you keep washing your hands."
One thing leads to another and they make love.
After it's over the girl says, "You must be a good dentist."
The guy, now with an inflated ego, "Sure - I'm a good dentist. How did you figure that out?" To which she responds,
"Didn't feel a thing."
What a horrible thing to say on our son's 10th birthday party.
She said "I haven't had a cock for nearly 2 weeks now"
So I took her back to my place and we started fooling around.
We got undressed and that's when I noticed the scars from the operation.
"Your parents when you move out."
It never took off.
They arrive at the gates of heaven where they meet St. Peter who says "you must each answer one question about religion to enter heaven."
St. Peter calls the first nun and asks "who was the first man on Earth?" "Adam" she replies. So birds are chirping angels are singing the gates open and she gets into heaven.
St. Peter asks the second nun "who was the first woman on Earth?" "Eve" she replies. So birds are chirping angels are singing the gates open and she gets into heaven.
St. Peter asks the third nun "what is the first thing Eve said to Adam?" The nun panics for a second because she doesnt know the answer. "Boy thats a hard one" she nervously replies. So birds are chirping angels are singing the gates open and she gets into heaven.
He then asks the bartender “why are there three steaks taped to the ceiling?” The bartender says “well you get one shot, if you jump up and touch one of the steaks then you get free drinks for the rest of the day, however if you miss, you must buy everyone else’s drinks for the next hour.” The guy ponders for a minute and then says, “I would do it, but the stakes are too high.”
It'a very time consuming.
Rooks can only move in straight lines, whereas bishops have sex with kids.
A nurse got a new job at a new hospital. Her boss thought that she knew everything about the job, except for ONE THING: "Never laugh at a patient, no matter what."
"Of course I won't laugh," the nurse said. "I'm a professional nurse. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."
Three days later, the hospital received a new patient that the nurse was in charge of. "I have a problem with my sexual organs," the man said. "Okay, just drop your trousers for me," the nurse responded.
"Okay then," Fred said and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest penis the nurse had ever seen. Length and width, it couldn't have been bigger than an AAA battery.
Unable to control herself, the nurse started giggling then almost fell to the floor laughing. A few minutes later she was able to regain her composure. "I'm so sorry," said the nurse. "I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a nurse and a lady, I promise it won't happen again. Now tell me, what seems to be the problem?"
"It's swollen," Fred replied.
Honestly she just can't container self
I said you better make it 8, I don’t think I can eat 10.
Fast10: Your Seatbelts.
Litte Joe: "Daddy, how much does my wiener weigh?"
Dad: "I don't know, I guess about 3 ounces"
Litte Joe: "And how much does your wiener weigh?"
Dad: "I don't know, I guess about 15 ounces?"
Little Joe is intrigued and goes to his grandfather.
Little Joe: "Granddad, how much does your wiener weigh?"
Granddad: "I don't know, but it must be a lot, because your grandmother can't get it up"
"Sedimentary, my dear Watson."
I've just taken the lead...