Saturday, December 31, 2016

Get off of Reddit!

You've been on it all year!



Submitted January 01, 2017 at 12:00AM by jamez470

It's only been here for a minute but 2017's already dropped the ball

No text found

Submitted January 01, 2017 at 12:01AM by Madmagican-

Guys, I haven't showered since LAST YEAR

No text found

Submitted January 01, 2017 at 12:02AM by Philway

Man what's the matter with this subreddit? No one's posted anything all year!

No text found

Submitted January 01, 2017 at 12:03AM by dramusic

Is this sub still active?

There hasn't been any posts all year.



Submitted January 01, 2017 at 12:04AM by Flamingturtle1

A white woman takes a black man she met a club home...

...She takes him by the hand to the bedroom and winks at him and says: "why don't you show me if what they say about black guys is true." So he stabs her and steals her TV.

P.S: don't worry, it's ok for me to make such jokes because I'm racist.



Submitted December 31, 2016 at 09:48PM by PlasmaRiver

Mariah Carey

That awesome performance.



Submitted December 31, 2016 at 11:46PM by leepnleprican

Why are colds such bad robbers?

Because they're so easy to catch!



Submitted December 31, 2016 at 11:19PM by Andpeggy123

There was a lot of division in 2016, so I'm looking forward to 2017. It's going to be prime.

No text found

Submitted December 31, 2016 at 07:54PM by mak11

My wife said to me, "One of these days I'll learn to make naan in more regular shapes."

Me: "So what you're saying is, you're having some trouble with naan-conformity?"



Submitted December 31, 2016 at 08:24PM by Zierlyn

My father complained "I've been using a dating app, but I'm only meeting Middle Eastern men."

Dad, you're using Uber.



Submitted December 31, 2016 at 08:13PM by RedheadEmmaStone

Did you hear that NYC paid Hillary Clinton $2,000,000 as a consultant for New Years Eve?

They wanted an expert on dropping the ball at the last second.



Submitted December 31, 2016 at 07:03PM by run-swim-lift

I'm mentally preparing myself for the "Oh my gosh, i havent *blank* since LAST YEAR" jokes

(Ned Stark's voice) "Dadjokes are coming"



Submitted December 31, 2016 at 07:51PM by Goodguyjack2

At 11:59:59, don't forget to stand-up and lift your left foot off the ground.

That way you start the new year off on the right foot!



Submitted December 31, 2016 at 07:42PM by brewingcode

How do Mexicans feel about Trump's wall?

They'll get over it.



Submitted December 31, 2016 at 05:29PM by CaptainTwerky

Is this subreddit dead?

I haven't seen a single post ALL YEAR.



Submitted December 31, 2016 at 05:25PM by UltraSandwichPower

I don't like having long hair...

...but it's kind of growing on me



Submitted December 31, 2016 at 06:46PM by Thepopcornrider

Did you take a shower today?

Why, is one missing?



Submitted December 31, 2016 at 06:49PM by LiquidFromAStream

Why are there no Walmarts in Syria?

Because they're all targets



Submitted December 31, 2016 at 12:28PM by noturbuddyfriend

The difference between your boyfriend and Ronda Rousey is...

Ronda actually gets paid to disappoint people for 48 seconds.



Submitted December 31, 2016 at 12:22PM by SomeCrazyGreek

What do you call security guards working outside Samsung shops?

Guardians of the Galaxy



Submitted December 31, 2016 at 05:53PM by snowflake47

The Toast

Dave O'Reilly was in the pub one night. When time came to give toasts, he hoisted his whiskey and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night! He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night."

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"

Dave said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh, me dear Davey that is very nice indeed!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of Dave's drinking buddies, Francis O'Pope on the street corner. Francis chuckled leeringly and said,

"Dave won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised meself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."



Submitted December 31, 2016 at 10:39AM by wackoclown

An American walks into a pub in Australia...

...says ''I'll have a bud light.'' The bartender replies ''You're an American, right?'' The guy says ''How did you know, was it the beer or my accent?'' To which the bartender replies ''Neither, you're the fattest fuck i've ever seen in my life.''



Submitted December 31, 2016 at 03:14PM by fortopper

Why can't humans hear a dog whistle?

Because dogs can't whistle.



Submitted December 31, 2016 at 03:03PM by giraffterparty

A guy walks into a dentist's office and says, "I think I'm a moth."

The dentist replies "You shouldn't be here. You should be seeing a psychiatrist..."

The guy replies, "I am seeing a psychiatrist."

The dentist asks, "Well, then what are you doing here?"

The guy says, "Your light was on."



Submitted December 31, 2016 at 02:08PM by LordsandLadies48

Now Rhonda Rousey can focus on her modeling career.

Because she's a real knockout!



Submitted December 31, 2016 at 01:01PM by kneaders

I tried googling the difference between "Queer" and "Gay"...

But I didn't get a straight answer.



Submitted December 31, 2016 at 12:19PM by highspead

X-post from r/jokes: A woman walks by a clothes shop, and spots a nice red dress in the window.

She goes inside to inquire:

Woman: Hi. I want to try on that red dress in the window.

Employee: Well, as you wish, but we have changing rooms too.

 

This is the first time I x-post, so just tell me if I am doing something wrong.



Submitted December 31, 2016 at 09:44AM by ElectronicSphinx

I promise not to make any bad new year's Eve jokes

For the rest of the year



Submitted December 31, 2016 at 01:15PM by James75196

Okay dads, enough with the New Years jokes

That's all I've seen here all year!



Submitted December 31, 2016 at 11:06AM by pingandpong

The best joke to tell at parties

3 guys find out that they have 3 weeks to live. They realize that they have nothing to show for in their lives, so they each decide to try getting into the Guinness Book of World Records. The first guys says, "I have pretty long arms, maybe I have the longest arms in the world!" The second guy says, "I have a big chest, maybe I have the biggest chest in the world!" The third guys says, "I have a small dick, maybe I have the smallest dick in the world!" So they each submit their applications to the Guinness Book of World Records headquarters. A week later, the book is published, and they all gather around to see the results. The first guy opens the book and says, "Hey look! I have the longest arms in the world!" The second guy looks and says "Wow! I can't believe I have the biggest chest in the world!" And the third guys looks and says, "...Who the fuck is [insert name of one of the listeners]?!"



Submitted December 31, 2016 at 10:53AM by Neverlose_hope

The new father

A proud new father sits down with his dad to have a drink. "Well son, now that you have a son of your own its time I gave you something." "Dad you dont mea-" "Yes I do. You've earned it." Says the father as he passes a copy of '1001 Dad Jokes 5th Edition' to the son. "Dad I dont know what to say...I'm honored." "Hi honored," Replies the father. "I'm dad."



Submitted December 31, 2016 at 09:46AM by FinlayFrancis

My wife says to me this morning "Our son's toothbrush is getting fraid"

I say "What's it so fraid of?"



Submitted December 31, 2016 at 11:21AM by Poomington

You guys have been great but it's time to take a break

for the rest of the year.



Submitted December 31, 2016 at 08:23AM by Bluecrabby

Why did the guitarist get thrown in jail?

He was caught fingering A Minor.



Submitted December 31, 2016 at 08:08AM by CanJesusSwimOnLand

Why is there never a winner at the annual neckwear contest?

It's always a tie.



Submitted December 31, 2016 at 10:15AM by uptowndevil

Did you hear about the Mexican restaurant that replaced all its fire extinguishers with jars of cheese and salsa?

The labels all read "break in queso emergency".



Submitted December 31, 2016 at 09:42AM by zamoose

What do you get when you mix laxatives with holy water?

A religious movement.



Submitted December 31, 2016 at 08:58AM by meeksta1

Carrie Fisher runs into George Micheal in the afterlife...

She says, "Oh man, I'm a huge fan! I've got every one of your albums except the first one."
He says, "I find your lack of 'Faith' disturbing".



Submitted December 31, 2016 at 07:44AM by Childflayer

Why do programmers wear glasses?

Because they can't C#



Submitted December 31, 2016 at 07:56AM by sneakysneaky23

Huh, I should really get off reddit...

I've been here ALL YEAR!

Happy new year from New Zealand!



Submitted December 31, 2016 at 07:08AM by WallyForPM

It's 1am on January 1st where I live.

I haven't slept since last year, and I'm EXHAUSTED!



Submitted December 31, 2016 at 07:11AM by LordHussyPants

My Doctor is a Dad

I went to the doctor with a hand injury from playing football (in the British sense). I hyper extended my thumb and I have a weird lump on the side. He said there's not much to be done about it. I asked how long the pain might last. He said...

"About two or three months... As a rule of thumb"

Bravo!



Submitted December 31, 2016 at 07:01AM by percymiracles

I was teaching my dad english.

And when my dad learned what nickname means, he went like, 'Nick have name and it's nickname!' And chuckled.

It isn't funny but I thought I should post it here.



Submitted December 31, 2016 at 05:24AM by homemadepanda

I went looking for lighters on ebay,

But all I found was 13,579 matches



Submitted December 31, 2016 at 04:34AM by MoriartyHPlus

When a clock gets hungry...

It goes back four seconds.



Submitted December 31, 2016 at 12:31AM by Ladikat

Friday, December 30, 2016

The bible is 100% accurate

when thrown from close range.



Submitted December 30, 2016 at 06:25PM by 200357931

At breakfast...

Son : "Dad, could you make me an egg, please?"

Dad : "No! I love you the way you are."



Submitted December 30, 2016 at 10:08PM by g-mode

Counterfeit $1 bills reportedly found in circulation

Be on the lookout for hot singles in your area.



Submitted December 30, 2016 at 07:44PM by G1ngerBoy

Have you heard the joke about the robot that repairs elevators?

It works on so many levels.



Submitted December 30, 2016 at 11:51PM by riptide747

I'm basic, and I have a tree nut allergy...

I literally pecan't even.



Submitted December 31, 2016 at 12:58AM by F-Major-7

Just got my fiancée's entire family

Her aunt was looking for a toothbrush, she walks into the living room.

her: "has anyone seen a Frozen toothbrush?"

me: "yeah, but I let it go"

everyone: "groans"



Submitted December 30, 2016 at 08:52PM by cedartowndawg

Dad: When you turn 18, I'm taking you to the strip club.

Teen: Of course not dad!

Dad: Oh shut up Jessica, it's time for you to start bringing money to the house.



Submitted December 30, 2016 at 04:16PM by KillerPollito

A woman walks by a clothes shop, and spots a nice red dress in the window.

She goes inside to inquire:

Woman: Hi. I want to try on that red dress in the window.

Employee: Well, as you wish, but we have changing rooms too.



Submitted December 30, 2016 at 05:25PM by ElectronicSphinx

Two cannibals are eating Amy Schumer

The first one says to the other one, "Does this taste funny to you?" The other one says, "No."



Submitted December 30, 2016 at 04:54PM by Gratod

My wife is so much better looking than me...

...that a cashier just put a plastic divider down in the middle of our groceries.

Credit: Charles Demers



Submitted December 30, 2016 at 06:05PM by djeclipz

What's the difference between a blind hunter and a constipated owl?

One shoots but can't hit while the other hoots but can't shit



Submitted December 30, 2016 at 04:10PM by croutonianemperor

What do Kermit the Frog and Henry the Eighth have in common?

They share the same middle name.



Submitted December 30, 2016 at 04:40PM by meeksta1

What's the difference between choking sex and necrophilia?

About 5 minutes



Submitted December 30, 2016 at 01:46PM by CocoaDaddy

Why did the cookie go to the doctor?

Because he felt crumby. - my 4 y.o. daughter



Submitted December 30, 2016 at 12:10PM by jcpmojo

What did the space between two tiles say?

I AM GROUT



Submitted December 30, 2016 at 02:55PM by localClient

What do you get when you cross a crocodile with a cartridge?

A snapshot.



Submitted December 30, 2016 at 02:57PM by Ytumith

What's Bill Nye's favorite day?

New Years Eve



Submitted December 30, 2016 at 03:06PM by atmatthewat

Complementing a mustache should be a good thing

I don't know why she took it as an insult.



Submitted December 30, 2016 at 11:40AM by ThatGuyWhoAintYou

Dad Jokes with Dad on way to Grandpa's Funeral

Dad: A lot of people have heart attacks over Christmas, I hope the funeral home isn't too busy.

Me: It's probably dead.

Dad: I'm worried they're running a skeleton crew.



Submitted December 30, 2016 at 01:49PM by owassoguitars

Why do giraffes have such long necks?

Because if they didn't, their heads would just be floating in the air.



Submitted December 30, 2016 at 01:06PM by lifeismeaningless69

A man kills a deer and brings it home for dinner,

He and his wife decide they won't tell the kids what they are eating.

But the dad gives them a clue 'It's what mummy calls me '

the little girl screams to her brother "DON'T EAT IT'S AN ASSHOLE!!"



Submitted December 30, 2016 at 10:02AM by bablub048

I stayed at my girlfriends family's place durring the Christmas break.

Her father was being a prick and wouldn't let us sleep together, which is a shame, because he is a real good looking guy.



Submitted December 30, 2016 at 10:11AM by bucket-o-buttholes

I thought about trying to write a short story.

But I'm not sure if people will be interested in a hero that's only 5'2".



Submitted December 30, 2016 at 01:40PM by sufficientlyadvanced

Went to an Indian buffet for dinner.

I ate until there was naan left.



Submitted December 30, 2016 at 11:48AM by jkozuch

Of course this car isn't voice controlled

It goes without saying!



Submitted December 30, 2016 at 01:10PM by Megablast13

Why did the double agent cross the road?

Because he never really was on your side.



Submitted December 30, 2016 at 05:06AM by FinalBoss__

What do you call a Polish fisherman?

A fishing pole.



Submitted December 30, 2016 at 11:25AM by hanntur

I can sum up 2016 in four words

Two thousand and sixteen



Submitted December 30, 2016 at 06:20AM by jkahala

As a couple gets into bed, the husband starts to rub and kiss his wife.

She turns over and says, "I'm sorry, honey. I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow, and I want to stay fresh."

The husband sadly turns over. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife.

He asks hopefully, "Do you have a dentist appointment, too?"



Submitted December 30, 2016 at 08:54AM by LordsandLadies48

My daughter (2.5yo)

My daughter and I just a few minutes ago. It was adorable, needless to say.

Me: What do you wanna watch, horseys (MLP) or Elmo World (Sesame Street actually)?

uh-huh

Elmo World or horseys?

uh-huh

Elmo World?

uh-huh

or horseys?

uh-huh

Kiddo, you can only choose one!

One! *holds up one finger*



Submitted December 30, 2016 at 10:56AM by Old_Soldiers_Son

What happens when you buy a bigger bed?

You have more bed room but less bedroom



Submitted December 30, 2016 at 10:56AM by chellow123

Why was the little ink drop crying?

His mother was in the pen and he didn't know how long the sentence would be.



Submitted December 30, 2016 at 09:38AM by Anthonymerlin

Knock knock

Who's there? Interrupting cow. Interrupting co MOOO



Submitted December 30, 2016 at 10:15AM by timelymanner85

My wife said, "If you could change one thing about me, what would it be?"

I said, "Your husband."



Submitted December 30, 2016 at 07:14AM by TommehBoi

My wife found me in the kitchen naked holding a gun

"What the hell are you doing?" she screamed, shocked at my appearance.

"Quiet woman! I'm hunting decepticons!" I whispered back harshly.

She put her hands on her hips. "You've been sleep walking again! There are no such thing as decepticons!"

I blinked, realizing how stupid I looked.

"I guess you're right! Man I must look like and idiot!" I said.

She laughed.

I laughed.

The toaster laughed.

I shot the toaster.



Submitted December 30, 2016 at 09:35AM by wackoclown

My wife said she has had enough of me because I always get my directions mixed up...

So I just packed my bags and right...



Submitted December 30, 2016 at 06:27AM by madazzahatter

TIL: They're trying to ban shredded cheese in the US

They're going to make America grate again



Submitted December 30, 2016 at 09:31AM by penberkins

I don't think the founder of Reddit should marry Serena Williams...

Like most tennis players, love means nothing to her.



Submitted December 30, 2016 at 09:26AM by cacheflow

How many morons does it take to change a lightbulb?

14,000.

1 to hold the lightbulb, 4 to hold the chair, and 13,995 to spin the house.



Submitted December 30, 2016 at 12:46AM by jccreszMinecraft

I found out my date likes to dissect people from Southeast Asia.

I've since decided to cut Thais with her.



Submitted December 30, 2016 at 03:59AM by TommehBoi

Why are women and children evacuated first in a disaster?

So we can think about a solution in silence.



Submitted December 30, 2016 at 07:48AM by maryslovesld

What's yellow and can't swim

A bus full of children



Submitted December 29, 2016 at 08:01PM by McMuffin2013

My SO was choking on a Werther's Originals.

When she stopped coughing she asked "We're you even gunna help me?!" I told her "Clearly it was Werth it."



Submitted December 30, 2016 at 08:04AM by Dooontcareee

What happens when the skeleton sees his girlfriend?

He gets a boner

i'll leave now...



Submitted December 30, 2016 at 06:23AM by ICX-JPomz

He digs. She digs. We dig. They dig.

Now it's not a very nice poem,

But it is quite deep.



Submitted December 30, 2016 at 04:51AM by WhyRedTape

I bought my shoes from a drug dealer

I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.



Submitted December 29, 2016 at 08:58PM by meepsmops

What do you get when you add more "E's" to the alphabet?

An alphabet that is more at ease. Bring on the alphabet jokes.



Submitted December 30, 2016 at 12:21AM by marcuccione

I came home the other day and found out that all the bulbs in my house have been stolen...

I was delighted.



Submitted December 30, 2016 at 04:28AM by SiroccoTheDawn

Thursday, December 29, 2016

All Lives Matter

...until you multiply them by the speed of light squared.

Then all lives energy.



Submitted December 29, 2016 at 08:08PM by madfeller

I work for a survey company and we're currently doing some surveying for some airports throughout the state

My coworker/good friend of mine works out in the field performing these surveys and for the latest airport job he said to me that this airport is basically dead and that there's hardly anyone there consistently working in the office, monitoring the radio, etc.

So I asked him, "then what does someone do if they're out flying and want to land there... [start jabbing him with my elbow] just WING it??"

I should be ashamed but I'm still laughing at myself. No I am not a dad (technically).



Submitted December 29, 2016 at 11:22PM by prizzaboy

Taking a car load of kids to amusement park today. One kid screams "Please tell me that's Knott's Berry Farm." ...

I reply, "It's Knott."

Kids in unison "Awww."



Submitted December 29, 2016 at 06:34PM by Papa-Dam

Wife made chocolate chip cookies tonight, so I had to ask:

Me: "Have you heard the one about the cookie?"

Wife: "Is this another one of your crumby jokes?"

Should I be worried?



Submitted December 29, 2016 at 09:40PM by Tarbogman

Why was Captain Kirk having trouble in the bathroom?

He had to deal with a Cling-on.



Submitted December 29, 2016 at 08:20PM by SmallNoodle

What do you get when you mix alcohol and literature?

Tequila mockingbird



Submitted December 29, 2016 at 10:32PM by Lutheritrux

My wife treats me like a God

Every evening at dinner I get a burnt offering.



Submitted December 29, 2016 at 06:15PM by theconfuserx2

What do Trump and his supporters NOT have in common?

His supporters have a blind trust.



Submitted December 29, 2016 at 07:10PM by VGP_SC

What do you get if you cross an elephant with a fish?

Swimming trunks



Submitted December 29, 2016 at 10:42PM by Trtlman

The man who invented Velcro has died.

RIP



Submitted December 29, 2016 at 03:29PM by BookerGinger

What do women put on their ears to look more attractive?...

Their knees.

(Not sure if this one translates well to english)



Submitted December 29, 2016 at 05:15PM by Alfredmarcus

Many people are surprised by the engagement of Serena Williams and Alexis Ohanian, but not me.

If I founded reddit I'd be searching for better servers too.



Submitted December 29, 2016 at 06:48PM by ScZi

Two Arabs boarded a flight from Washington to New York...

One sat in the window seat, the other in the middle seat. Just before take-off a little Israeli guy got on and took the aisle seat next to the Arabs. He kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was just settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, “I think I’ll go up and get a Coke.” “No problem,” said the Israeli, “Stay there, I’ll get it for you.” While he was gone, the Arab picked up the Israeli’s shoe and spat in it. When the Israeli returned with the Coke, the other Arab said, “That looks good. I think I’ll have one too.” Again, the Israeli obligingly went to fetch it, and while he was gone the Arab picked up the other shoe and spat in it too. The Israeli returned with the coke, and they all sat back and enjoyed the short flight to New York. As the plane was landing the Israeli slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. “How long must this go on?” he asked. “This enmity between our people…this hatred…this animosity…this spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?”



Submitted December 29, 2016 at 03:29PM by philliesman4

I feel bad for baby chickens....

They come from broken homes.



Submitted December 29, 2016 at 04:52PM by Dredd_Pirate_Barry

Q:What did the Vacuum say when it saw a couple making out?

A:"Get a Roomba, you two!

Credit to my little sister.



Submitted December 29, 2016 at 04:56PM by canadahuntsYOU

Corn is my favorite vegetable..

.. it tastes amaizing



Submitted December 29, 2016 at 04:32PM by balroc

An ugly, broke, single man stood in my way

So I moved the mirror



Submitted December 29, 2016 at 11:51AM by Sabertoothpanda_

Son: Hey dad you forgot your hat

Dad: that's odd, things like this are usually at the top of my head.



Submitted December 29, 2016 at 02:12PM by Yoshi909

My dad hit me with this so fast I am almost positive he'd been setting this up for weeks.

My dad has been making jokes as if he is in a cult, either the cult of landru from Star trek, scientology, or the heaven's gate cult for weeks.

So, today I'm making pancakes while he's telling me I must give myself to Landru, that it would be a good idea to get my thetans checked, Xenu died for my sins etc etc, and so I say to him

"You know, most people just pick the one cult and stick with that."

And he immediately lights up like it's Christmas morning and he's got a god damned Red Rider beebee gun, and he goes

"I can't help it if I'm multiCULTural"

I felt violated, used, and extremely proud all at once.



Submitted December 29, 2016 at 02:19PM by DoubleJumps

What has more letters than the alphabet?

The post office.



Submitted December 29, 2016 at 09:31AM by Bonanza86

Tim Vine one liners



Submitted December 29, 2016 at 01:11PM by ssorc-76

Life is all about perspective

The sinking of the Titanic was a miracle to the lobsters in the ship's kitchen.



Submitted December 29, 2016 at 10:29AM by theconfuserx2

I told my girlfriend I was named after Thomas Jefferson.

She said, "Your name is Brian."

I said, "Right. But I was named AFTER Thomas Jefferson."



Submitted December 29, 2016 at 10:01AM by hajahe155

Sometimes i like to crouch down, put my head between my knees and lean forward..

Cos THATS how i roll.



Submitted December 29, 2016 at 01:00PM by gnrlp2007

"Get me the stepladder"

"I never knew my real ladder" thanks dad.



Submitted December 29, 2016 at 11:55AM by black6211

A nun decides to dye her worn out clothes

A nun decided that it was much cheaper to just dye the colour back into her worn out clothes instead of buying new clothes. Every year, the nun would go to a nearby dye shop to dye her clothes and hang them to dry.

When she returned to the store for the 10th time, she dyed and hung her clothes. When she came back to get her clothes, they were stiff and uncomfortable. She complained to the store manager and asked why that happened to her clothes.

The store manager replied: "Well madam, old habits dye hard"



Submitted December 29, 2016 at 06:23AM by Oreo1123

Winky

A man with a winking problem applies for a position as a traveling salesman and goes in for an interview.

“Looking at your résumé, I can see that you’re more than qualified,” says the interviewer. “Unfortunately, we can’t have our sales reps constantly winking at customers, so we can’t hire you.”

“But wait,” says the man. “If I take two aspirin, I stop winking.”

“Then show me,” replies the interviewer.

So the guy reaches into his pants pocket and pulls out a pile of condoms in all different shapes, sizes, and colors before finally finding a packet of aspirin. He pops the pills and immediately stops winking.

“It’s great you stopped winking,” says the interviewer, “but we can’t have our salesmen womanizing all over the country.”

“What do you mean?” asks the man. “I’m happily married.”

“How do you explain all the condoms?” asks the interviewer.

“Oh, that,” sighs the man. “Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?”



Submitted December 29, 2016 at 09:20AM by KelvinCelsius

I was going to see a play on Bastille Day

But the actors staged a coup



Submitted December 29, 2016 at 11:18AM by Aardwolf7

I don't understand why people pick their noses...

I was born with mine.



Submitted December 29, 2016 at 10:51AM by csd96

A German girl married a Spanish man & went to Spain..

She can't speak Spanish. Each time she wants to buy chicken legs, she would lift her skirt & show her thighs to enable the seller understand her... This went on for sometime. One day, she wanted to buy banana, so she took her husband to the shop..

Because her husband speaks Spanish very well.



Submitted December 29, 2016 at 06:13AM by Jordanbvb09

A blonde goes to work in tears.

A blonde goes to work in tears. Her boss asks, "What's wrong?" She says, "My mom died." He told her to go home, but she said, "No, I'll be fine." Later that day, her boss finds her crying again. He says, "What's wrong?" She replies, "I just talked to my sister, and her mom died, too!"



Submitted December 29, 2016 at 09:05AM by drollia

"Dad, I want to be a feminist when I grow up."

Dad: "Well choose one honey, you can't do both".



Submitted December 29, 2016 at 06:41AM by PhantomSasuke

Father, mother and son decide to go to the zoo one day..

So they set off and are seeing lots of animals. Eventually they end up opposite the elephant house. The boy looks at the elephant, sees its penis, points to it and says, “Mommy, what is that long thing?”

“His mother replies, “That, son, is the elephant’s trunk.”

“No, at the other end.”

“That, son, is the tail.”

“No, mommy, the thing under the elephant.”

There’s a short embarrassed silence, after which she replies, “That’s nothing.”

The mother goes to buy some ice cream and the boy, not being satisfied with her answer, asks his father the same question. “Daddy, what is that long thing?”

“That’s the trunk, son,” replies the father.

“No, at the other end.” “Oh, that is the tail.”

“No, no, daddy, the thing below,” says the son in desperation.

“That is the elephant’s penis. Why do you ask, son?”

“Well mommy said it was nothing,” says the boy.

The father replies, “I tell you, I spoil that woman...”



Submitted December 29, 2016 at 01:19AM by Falsevalue

What is with 2016?

It's like everyone and their mothers are dying.

^(sorry not sorry)



Submitted December 28, 2016 at 11:54PM by Errorfullgnome

One my Tata (grandfather) would be proud of.

I work at a workout shop called Sweat. It's bit of a janky chain store. Soon, after I started working there, I start dating a super cute kelpto who has too much fun stealing. Other than that she's perfect. Winter rolls around and she gets bored.

GF wants to rob my work.

It's like -10° out.

Stores closed so they don't have the heat on but, I have a set of keys. We get into an argument about it. She tells me to help her steal at least one thing from the freezing store or she'll split up with me.

I break into a cold sweat.



Submitted December 29, 2016 at 01:58AM by Matt-The-Mage

I've been waiting all year to post this...

This...



Submitted December 28, 2016 at 11:12PM by TheHUD18

Wednesday, December 28, 2016

Yesterday my dad told me if he saw me on the computer latenight again...

He would smash my head into my keyHDJbdvxhjJDKLXUXBgshdjcmcnGxcNdnckcoNcbcjxndbcjcjkxndJdhhshdbdn



Submitted December 29, 2016 at 12:05AM by CoolStoryLOL

Nothing beats a beautiful girl with a great singing voice!

Except Chris Brown



Submitted December 28, 2016 at 08:04PM by TheScythe65

Dads thought's on retirement

Twice the husband on half the income



Submitted December 28, 2016 at 08:38PM by Nousernames-left

A lot of the characters on the walking dead have no life.

No text found

Submitted December 28, 2016 at 11:23PM by bogative00

What did the butcher say when he found a group of people who'd been trapped in his meat locker all night?

Icy dead people



Submitted December 28, 2016 at 07:31PM by peterwilsonjohnson

Wife: My calves are achin'

Wife: My calves are achin' Me: Maybe you should drink some milk... Wife: WTF, why? Me: Maybe they're just hungry...



Submitted December 28, 2016 at 08:00PM by jscolorado

Did you hear about the teens who broke into the San Diego Zoo and attacked a large sea cow?

They've been charged with crimes against huge manatee.



Submitted December 28, 2016 at 07:34PM by mcthe

They say being a hostage is hard

But I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.



Submitted December 28, 2016 at 06:55PM by theconfuserx2

My son got kicked out of school for letting a girl jerk him off in class.

That's three schools now. Maybe teaching isn't for him.

(Joke by Jimmy Carr)



Submitted December 28, 2016 at 04:36PM by Nubivagant-

My friend just found out that he is Gay and Dyslexic...

He is still in daniel.



Submitted December 28, 2016 at 02:40PM by Enoikay

Haven't seen the new Star Wars yet...

But everybody posting spoilers about how Princess Leia dies



Submitted December 28, 2016 at 08:25PM by Dannytyu

I've decided to start carrying a knife.

After an attempted mugging last week I've decided to start carrying a knife. Since then, my mugging attempts have been much more successful.



Submitted December 28, 2016 at 03:24PM by whicketywack

What do you call a Finnish photographer?

A photo finish



Submitted December 28, 2016 at 07:48PM by Lord_Sparklebottom_

Why was the pirate avoiding the police?

He didn't want to get ARRRRested



Submitted December 28, 2016 at 08:06PM by SwiftReason

Dad called the Police today and said, "I've just found a suitcase in the woods containing a fox and four cubs..."

"That's terrible," the woman dispatcher on the phone replied. "Are they moving?"

"I'm not sure, to be honest," Dad said, "But that would explain the suitcase."



Submitted December 28, 2016 at 07:18PM by Fr_Time

You know why being a pirate is so popular?

Once you lose your hand, you're hooked!



Submitted December 28, 2016 at 07:36PM by seriousProblem_

My buddy asked me how my trip to Oklahoma was...

I said, "Oklahoma was OK".



Submitted December 28, 2016 at 02:18PM by Alitalia

So we bought my sister some bath lotions

Cashier: "Will this be all for you?"

Dad: "No, this is a gift for my daughter"



Submitted December 28, 2016 at 06:03PM by Scubamane

My therapist told me to I need to learn to love myself…

That would be settling, though- I can do better than that piece of crap!



Submitted December 28, 2016 at 10:00AM by LordsandLadies48

I pulled one on my dad today and I'm very proud of myself.

Dad: "I've never seen him before" (Referring to the new guy delivering our mail)

Me: "Do you think he's an imPOSTer?"



Submitted December 28, 2016 at 04:50PM by _Tamassran_

Well if I don't....

Driving to airport 45 mins away:

Driver - "Remind me to stop for gas before we get to far"

Me - "Well if I don't, the car will!"



Submitted December 28, 2016 at 02:52PM by DarkerThanBlue

Did you hear about the streaker in the church?

They caught him by the organ



Submitted December 28, 2016 at 03:58PM by DividingPrescott

Nan still doesn't know.

Nan: I need to nip out later to grab some velcro

Me: I'd buy online if I were you. Velcro is a right rip off...

Nan: No, it's quite reasonably priced I think.

Smiled slightly and left it at that. Two weeks on and she still has no idea!



Submitted December 28, 2016 at 03:08PM by 29DavesLater

After an attempted mugging last week I've decided to start carrying a knife...

Since then, my mugging attempts have been much more successful.



Submitted December 28, 2016 at 03:13PM by whicketywack

I think the scariest President was Rushmore, because he had four heads.

No text found

Submitted December 28, 2016 at 03:06PM by dreadnought1600

[question] Are dad jokes puns?

No text found

Submitted December 28, 2016 at 11:23AM by starno

A nurse finds a rectal thermometer in her pocket

"Oh fuck, some asshole has got my pen."



Submitted December 28, 2016 at 10:09AM by HalfOfAKebab

What do you call it when a lizard can't get an erection?

A reptile dysfunction.



Submitted December 28, 2016 at 01:25PM by runningwaterss

A friend of mine asked me, "what rhymes with orange?"

I said, "no, it doesn't".



Submitted December 28, 2016 at 09:58AM by HalfOfAKebab

Is the WWE doing laundry?

Because I'm seeing way too many clotheslines.



Submitted December 28, 2016 at 10:05AM by Bonanza86

A man was riding a bus, minding his own business

A man was riding a bus, minding his own business, when the gorgeous woman next to him started to breastfeed her baby..

The baby wouldn’t take it, so she said, “Come on sweetie, eat it all up or I’ll have to give it to this nice man next to us.”

Five minutes later, the baby was still not feeding, so she said, “Come on, honey. Take it or I’ll give it to this nice man here.”

A few minutes later, the anxious man blurted out,

“Come on kid. Make up your mind! I was supposed to get off four stops ago!



Submitted December 28, 2016 at 09:13AM by xXHD_Da_Nicguy

Friendship between men and women...

Friendship between women:

A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew about it.

Friendship between men:

A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed that he was still there.



Submitted December 28, 2016 at 09:41AM by iRyaaanM

What's DJ Khaleds favourite number?

11 because it has another 1.



Submitted December 28, 2016 at 10:17AM by eBang00s

A group of Jewish women are eating at a diner.

Their waitress walks by and asks "Is anything alright?"



Submitted December 28, 2016 at 08:05AM by cdennwb

Have I told you all about my elevator joke?

It works on many levels.



Submitted December 28, 2016 at 10:18AM by jpirog

My son was eating out of a bag of Swedish Fish

On Christmas my aunt gave my son a small box of Swedish fish which he immediately devoured. At the moment he threw the empty box on the coffee table I looked at it with wide eyes and said, "Oh look! Now they're Finnish!" He didn't get it.



Submitted December 28, 2016 at 10:28AM by Polabeya

My girlfriend reentered the room and looked at my computer screen.

"What the fuck is that?" she asked.

I said, "It's a woman masturbating."

"Why is this on your computer screen?"

"I thought you wanted to watch a chick flick."



Submitted December 28, 2016 at 07:19AM by TommehBoi

There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.

One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about.

The letter read:

Dear God, I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension payment.

Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope.

Can you please help me?

Sincerely, Edna

The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman.

The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends. Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God.

All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.

It read:

Dear God,

How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.

By the way, there was $4 missing. I think it might have been those bastards at the post office.

Sincerely, Edna



Submitted December 28, 2016 at 12:52AM by rumblefish65

What is the hardest day to remember?

When-is-day!



Submitted December 28, 2016 at 09:36AM by Putabirdonjoedon

Me: do you want ribs?

Dad: only if you have spare



Submitted December 28, 2016 at 09:17AM by HempFro

Got my whole family on Christmas with this one.

My mother was talking about a friend of hers who is really skinny because she works out all the time.

Mom: All she does is bike and exercise, she doesn't even have a stomach.

Me (with a purposely bewildered look): Then how does she eat anything?

Many eye rolls and groans were had and my wife just glared at me.



Submitted December 28, 2016 at 08:02AM by mydrumluck

Daddy calls home in the middle of a work day

"Hello?"

"Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?"

"No Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with uncle Philip."

After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you don't have an uncle Philip."

"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now."

Brief Pause

"Uh, okay then honey, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."

"Okay Daddy, just a minute."

A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone.

"I did it Daddy."

"And what happened honey?"

"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"

"Oh my God!!! What about uncle Philip?"

"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead."

Long Pause

"What...swimming pool? Is this 486-5731?"



Submitted December 28, 2016 at 03:10AM by serene_risa

What do you call a picture of a prisoner

A cellfie



Submitted December 28, 2016 at 03:44AM by DIVINExGXD

You want to know what marriage is really like?

Think of a prison...

Now don't change anything.



Submitted December 28, 2016 at 03:52AM by TankIFuckingAm

Someone called me racist for saying blacks should have separated bathrooms and water fountains..

I don't understand why.

Who wants to drink water in a bathroom?



Submitted December 28, 2016 at 01:07AM by SESginger

My mom was talking about pairing wine with food: "Some people over complicate it. This one with sea creatures, that one for everything else"

Dad:

...'C' creatures... like cows? Chickens?

Mom:

.............



Submitted December 28, 2016 at 05:40AM by mynameipaul

[Long] Since you guys liked the last one, here's another joke from my country

In a far away kingdom, the king got married to a beautiful wife. After being married to her for a year, the king started to worry that his beautiful wife might be sleeping around.

So he got a blacksmith to build a device to fit in her ladyparts which will dice anything that goes in. He managed to fit it inside of her ladyparts(don't ask how!) Without her noticing it.

The next day the king descided to take a sudden tour of the countryside and he decided to leave just 5 of his most loyal bodyguards and his court jester 'Anderee' to guard his wife in the castle.

The next day when the king retuned, he wanted to check his suspensions and ordered everyone who was in the castle with his wife to strip naked. To his suprise, all five of his bodyguards had their manhood mutelated, but Anderee didn't even have a single bruise on his man parts.

The king ordered all of his bodyguards to be executed and aproched Anderee.

"Anderee, i knew that you will stay loyal to me, for this, I'm going to give you a lot of gold and gems!"

Exited, Anderee said "tlank loo lour mathethi, i will thladly accepth youl gifth"



Submitted December 28, 2016 at 03:24AM by Chk232

A policeman knocked on my door this morning...

A policeman knocked on my door this morning, but I just locked it and sat there in complete silence. After 20 seconds he knocked again, but I just continued to ignore it. The knocks got louder and more frequent but I was determined not to move in the hope that he would just go away. Then he decided to look through the window. He shouted, "Do you think I'm stupid? I can see you in there, sir. Open the door." I said, "You're not coming in mate!" He said, "I don't want to come in, I just want you to step out of the car."



Submitted December 28, 2016 at 05:31AM by pakarmy

How many Buzzfeed writers does it take to change a lightbulb?

13. Number 9 will shock you!



Submitted December 28, 2016 at 12:32AM by EpicZombie

A brand new store has just opened in New York City that sells Husbands.

When women go to choose a husband, they have to follow the instructions at the entrance:

"You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are 6 floors and the value of the products increase as you ascend the flights. You may choose any item from a particular floor or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you CANNOT go back down except to exit the building!"

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.

The 1st floor sign reads: Floor 1 - These men have jobs.

The 2nd floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

The 3rd floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids and are extremely good looking.

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the 4th floor and The sign reads: Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help with Housework.

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!" Still, she goes to the 5th floor and The sign reads: Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, help with Housework and Have A Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the 6th floor and the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.



Submitted December 28, 2016 at 03:29AM by LifeIsHellaGay

Three Drunks Get into a Taxi

Three drunks get into a taxi and tell the driver where to go. The driver has an idea of the address so he starts the engine, waits a few seconds and turns off the car. He says, "Alright guys we're here!"

The first drunk tips him £10 and gets out.

The second drunk tips him £20 and gets out.

The third drunk then slaps the driver across the face.

Worried that the drunk had realized the car hadn't moved an inch, he asks the drunk, "What was that for?"

The drunk says, "Control your speed next time. You almost killed us!"



Submitted December 28, 2016 at 01:07AM by ContactingTheDead

What's Harry Potters favorite way of getting down a hill?

Walking!

(JK ROLLING)



Submitted December 27, 2016 at 11:47PM by stoll33

As a german I have to ask: You know what really grinds my gears?

Nothing. Our engineering is perfect.



Submitted December 28, 2016 at 02:09AM by wezeeshan1

If you tell a story about buying a used prosthetic hand...

It's a first-hand account of your secondhand third hand.



Submitted December 27, 2016 at 10:58PM by Maimonides_vii

Tuesday, December 27, 2016

What do you call 4 bullfighters in quick sand?

Cuatro sinko



Submitted December 27, 2016 at 09:47PM by rrrooobb

I got an Apple Watch for Christmas.

But my apple is non-intelligent and can't read a clock.



Submitted December 28, 2016 at 12:24AM by ChocolateMonkeyBird

Cremation

My last chance at a smoking hot body



Submitted December 27, 2016 at 07:01PM by 0LORD-VADER0

Shower sex in Detroit

In a recent survey, people from Detroit have proved to be the most likely to have had sex in the shower. In the survey, carried out for a leading toiletries outfit, 86% of Detroit residents said that they have had, if not enjoyed, sex in the shower.

The other 14% said they haven't yet served any time in prison.



Submitted December 27, 2016 at 08:14PM by thebackwoodsbadass

What do you call a bear without teeth?

A gummy bear.



Submitted December 27, 2016 at 09:55PM by runningwaterss

Einstein and driver

One day, Einstein has to give a conference to all the big guys in science. On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him : "I'm sick of all this conferences, I always say the same things over and over !" The drivers agrees, " You're right, as your driver I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I could give the conference at your place." "That's a great idea ! " says Eistein," lets switch places then !" So they switch clothes and as soon as they arrive, the driver dressed as Einstein go on stage and starts giving the usual speech, while the real Einstein, dressed as the car driver, attends it. But in the crowd, there was one scientist who wanted to impress everyone and thought of a very difficult question to ask Einstein, hoping he wouldn't be able to respond. So this guy stands up and interrupt the conference by posing his very difficult question. The whole room goes silent, holding their breath, waiting for the response. The driver looks at him, dead in the eye and says : "Sir, your question is so easy to answer that I'm going to let my driver reply to it for me."



Submitted December 27, 2016 at 04:40PM by Awsome-Stuff-Ever

Why couldn't the pirate learn the alphabet?

Because he was always lost at C.



Submitted December 27, 2016 at 11:01PM by k_princess

A chicken went to visit New York City to visit her brother who had just laid an egg.

A New York new yolk.

My 8 year old daughter just made this one up over dinner in little Italy. We're in the city visiting my wife's brother's family who had their first baby last summer. I was pretty impressed and had to share.



Submitted December 27, 2016 at 09:21PM by cazbot

I didn't believe my wife when she told me she was going to divorce me if I didn't stop quoting the Monkees...

And then I saw her face.



Submitted December 27, 2016 at 07:11PM by Grown_Man_Poops

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous

No text found

Submitted December 27, 2016 at 06:30PM by Shipless_Captain

Why are women and children evacuated first in an emergency?

So the men can think of a solution in silence.



Submitted December 27, 2016 at 05:38PM by nathanblan11

Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?

Great food, no atmosphere



Submitted December 27, 2016 at 04:30PM by Fevercrumb1848

Girl: "Come over"

Guy: "I'm coming over"

Girl: "We should stop using walkie talkies in bed, over."



Submitted December 27, 2016 at 07:26PM by blackbrandt

I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome

It started off badly but by the end I really liked it.



Submitted December 27, 2016 at 06:19PM by Skintownlad

An Irish girl tells her mom she decided to be a prostitute.

... her mom says "A WHAT"?!!

The daughter says "a prostitute".

Then the mom says "Thank god... I thought you said a Protestant"



Submitted December 27, 2016 at 12:06PM by iRyaaanM

Got a Handjob from a Blind Girl last night...

She said "You have the biggest dick i've ever put my hands on" I said "Nah, you're pulling my leg"



Submitted December 27, 2016 at 11:11AM by fortopper

A woman searches for something in the living room.

After an hour, worried, she asks her husband:

  • Have you seen my book?

  • Which one?

  • How to live to become 100 years old.

  • Ah yes. Yesterday, i threw it away.

  • But why?

  • Your mother started reading it...



Submitted December 27, 2016 at 03:58PM by MareCSGO

My son asked me what I'm posting on Reddit.

I tell him that they /r/dadjokes



Submitted December 27, 2016 at 06:23PM by Flamingturtle1

Even When He's Alone...

So I'm near our kitchen (but not in it), and my dad is in there by himself. In the middle of the silence I just hear him say "Tupperware? Tupperhere!" And just start giggling to himself. Amazing how they just do it even when they're alone...



Submitted December 27, 2016 at 06:19PM by Flamingturtle1

Turns ot the busts on the haunted mansion ride at Disneyland don't actually look at you. They're just carved into the wall.

So that's a releif.



Submitted December 27, 2016 at 03:29PM by FremanKynes

You should never believe a constipated person

They're always full of shit.



Submitted December 27, 2016 at 02:58PM by manstab

This sub is really disappointing me lately.

I'm going to try the meatballs next time.



Submitted December 27, 2016 at 03:14PM by Flamingturtle1

Two cannibals are eating Amy Schumer

One turns to the other and asks, "does this taste funny to you?" The other responds, "no."



Submitted December 27, 2016 at 01:21PM by wezeeshan1

Knock Knock

Who's there?

Amos

Amos Who?

A mosquito



Submitted December 27, 2016 at 01:27PM by tehlews128

I heard the pastries in Italy were good

But I cannoli imagine.



Submitted December 27, 2016 at 01:35PM by Strawbalicious

An Iraqi father gave his daughter a new purse

She said, "thanks for the Baghdad!"



Submitted December 27, 2016 at 11:22AM by _4D_Potato_

How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?

It's actually 12:

One to screw it in, one to excoriate men for creating the need for illumination, one to blame men for inventing such a faulty means of illumination, one to suggest the whole "screwing" bit to be too "rape-like", one to deconstruct the lightbulb itself as being phallic, one to blame men for not changing the bulb, one to blame men for trying to change the bulb instead of letting a woman do it, one to blame men for creating a society that discourages women from changing light bulbs, one to blame men for creating a society where women change too many light bulbs, one to advocate that lightbulb changers should have wage parity with electricians, one to alert the media that women are now "out-lightbulbing" men, and one to just sit there taking pictures for her blog for photo-evidence that men are unnecessary.



Submitted December 27, 2016 at 06:29AM by angryguy4444

What would Angelina Jolie name her life story, if she wrote it?

Angiography.

Courtesy my actual dad. He laughed, no one else did.



Submitted December 27, 2016 at 12:27PM by gsa123

"I'm not that much of a meat-person"

What are you made of then? Carrots?



Submitted December 27, 2016 at 12:33PM by Trax2oooK1ng

An old man walks past a prostitute...

and she says: "Hey old timer, care to try if you still can?" The man replies: "No honey, I can't." The prostitute says: "We could always try!" The man agrees goes with her and fucks like a 20 year old.

"Jeez," says the prostitute "you said you couldn't!" The man replies: "Yes, I can still fuck, but I can't pay!"



Submitted December 27, 2016 at 09:41AM by Tha_Jackable

Why are Toblerones triangular in shape?

So they fit in the boxes.



Submitted December 27, 2016 at 10:30AM by Sutarmekeg

[Mortal Kombat Joke] Skorpion chops the head off of Cassie Cages mother....

When she next faces him she says "my mum's onya Blade."



Submitted December 27, 2016 at 08:46AM by fubarecognition

Did you guys hear about the magic Tractor?

It turned into a field



Submitted December 27, 2016 at 10:30AM by RiseOfBacon

I, for one...

like Roman numerals.



Submitted December 27, 2016 at 07:38AM by Tha_Jackable

Happened a few mornings ago when pulling out the drive way.

I noticed a bird on top of our trash can tweeting away. i told my wife that he was talking trash.



Submitted December 27, 2016 at 09:52AM by llBLAZENll

An Afghan, an Albanian, an Algerian, an American, an Andorran, an Angolan, an Antiguans, an Argentine, an Armenian, an Australian.....

.... an Austrian, an Azerbaijani, a Bahamian, a Bahraini, a Bangladeshi, a Barbadian, a Barbudans, a Batswanan, a Belarusian, a Belgian, a Belizean, a Beninese, a Bhutanese, a Bolivian, a Bosnian, a Brazilian, a Brit, a Bruneian, a Bulgarian, a Burkinabe, a Burmese, a Burundian, a Cambodian, a Cameroonian, a Canadian, a Cape Verdean, a Central African, a Chadian, a Chilean, a Chinese, a Colombian, a Comoran, a Congolese, a Costa Rican, a Croatian, a Cuban, a Cypriot, a Czech, a Dane, a Djibouti, a Dominican, a Dutchman, an East Timorese, an Ecuadorean, an Egyptian, an Emirian, an Equatorial Guinean, an Eritrean, an Estonian, an Ethiopian, a Fijian, a Filipino, a Finn, a Frenchman, a Gabonese, a Gambian, a Georgian, a German, a Ghanaian, a Greek, a Grenadian, a Guatemalan, a Guinea-Bissauan, a Guinean, a Guyanese, a Haitian, a Herzegovinian, a Honduran, a Hungarian, an I-Kiribati, an Icelander, an Indian, an Indonesian, an Iranian, an Iraqi, an Irishman, an Israeli, an Italian, an Ivorian, a Jamaican, a Japanese, a Jordanian, a Kazakhstani, a Kenyan, a Kittian and Nevisian, a Kuwaiti, a Kyrgyz, a Laotian, a Latvian, a Lebanese, a Liberian, a Libyan, a Liechtensteiner, a Lithuanian, a Luxembourger, a Macedonian, a Malagasy, a Malawian, a Malaysian, a Maldivan, a Malian, a Maltese, a Marshallese, a Mauritanian, a Mauritian, a Mexican, a Micronesian, a Moldovan, a Monacan, a Mongolian, a Moroccan, a Mosotho, a Motswana, a Mozambican, a Namibian, a Nauruan, a Nepalese, a New Zealander, a Nicaraguan, a Nigerian, a Nigerien, a North Korean, a Northern Irishman, a Norwegian, an Omani, a Pakistani, a Palauan, a Palestinian, a Panamanian, a Papua New Guinean, a Paraguayan, a Peruvian, a Pole, a Portuguese, a Qatari, a Romanian, a Russian, a Rwandan, a Saint Lucian, a Salvadoran, a Samoan, a San Marinese, a Sao Tomean, a Saudi, a Scottish, a Senegalese, a Serbian, a Seychellois, a Sierra Leonean, a Singaporean, a Slovakian, a Slovenian, a Solomon Islander, a Somali, a South African, a South Korean, a Spaniard, a Sri Lankan, a Sudanese, a Surinamer, a Swazi, a Swede, a Swiss, a Syrian, a Taiwanese, a Tajik, a Tanzanian, a Togolese, a Tongan, a Trinidadian or Tobagonian, a Tunisian, a Turkish, a Tuvaluan, a Ugandan, a Ukrainian, a Uruguayan, a Uzbekistani, a Venezuelan, a Vietnamese, a Welshman, a Yemenite, a Zambian and a Zimbabwean all go to a nightclub... The doorman stops them and says sorry I cant let you in without a Thai.



Submitted December 27, 2016 at 09:13AM by pakarmy

I've just been fired from the clock making factory

after all those extra hours I put in.



Submitted December 27, 2016 at 05:17AM by cuteeBarbie

My dog ate all my Lego...

Now he is shitting bricks.



Submitted December 27, 2016 at 08:13AM by Sirpigsalot409