Wednesday, November 30, 2016

I'd had enough. I decided to kill my wife.

But I couldn't do it myself, so I asked around. I eventually heard of a big guy named Arty who kills people for $1. All you have to do is give him a picture and place of work. I found him, gave him the dollar and a picture of my wife.

"She works at Walmart", I said.

He just shook his head, got up, and left. Just like that. I wasn't there, but people say he grabbed her by the throat and started choking her. It wasn't long before a security guard rushed over. Arty was so big he grabbed both of them. One neck per hand. And killed them both.

It's hard to believe but it's true. They even ran a story about it in the local paper. "Arty chokes 2 for $1 at Walmart".



Submitted November 30, 2016 at 07:53PM by BRENNEJM

I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode...

I asked, “Are you two an item?”



Submitted December 01, 2016 at 12:19AM by madazzahatter

One day in the West a rapist and con artist get caught by the sheriff in a small town.

The town doesn’t have much money to take care of prisoners so the sheriff gets an idea. He decides he’ll charge money to let the townspeople punish the crooks and use the money to keep them in jail for as long as he can. The sheriff figures even a short stay in jail will be plenty after a little “justice” from the townspeople. The sheriff takes the criminals to the town square, handcuffs them posts and sets up shop. He tells the people that the punishment should fit the crime so anyone can pay $1 to kick the rapist in the groin. Since the con artist used his image to wrong his victims, anyone can pay $1 to hit him in the face. After a while there are two long lines for the criminals. Some people paying $5, $10, even $15 to get their licks in. After a long while, a guy steps up for his turn and sees the con artist’s face is a bloody pulp and thinks “He’s so beat up at this point, he probably can’t even feel anything anymore. I’m not going to waste my money on that.” So the guy walks up and kicks the con artist squarely in the groin. The sheriff sees this and hurries over and says, “Hey son, you can’t do that here.” The man asks, “Why not?” And the sheriff replies, “Because this is the punch line.”



Submitted November 30, 2016 at 05:37PM by CalamitousLemon

You know what makes elevator jokes so funny?

They work on so many levels.



Submitted November 30, 2016 at 05:03PM by dedtired

Why do Native Americans hate snow?

Because it's white and settles on their land



Submitted November 30, 2016 at 05:03PM by zx_00

What's a black persons favorite food?

Fried chicken you racist!



Submitted November 30, 2016 at 10:36PM by mrglubglub

Why was the tomato blushing?

Because he saw the salad dressing!



Submitted November 30, 2016 at 07:40PM by 3joan

Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?

He was dead



Submitted November 30, 2016 at 07:54PM by 3joan

What bird can lift the most?

A crane!



Submitted November 30, 2016 at 07:20PM by 3joan

I believe a lot of conflict in the Wild West could have been avoided completely...

...if cowboy architects had just made their towns big enough for everyone.



Submitted November 30, 2016 at 07:00PM by madazzahatter

A jumper cable walks into a bar.

The bartender says, "All right, I'll serve You, but make sure you don't start anything."



Submitted November 30, 2016 at 07:28PM by 3joan

How do you know if balls are ticklish?

Testicle



Submitted November 30, 2016 at 02:26PM by T0T3

A Jew and a Czech go hunting.

They reach a clearing in the woods and spot a deer. The Czech aims his rifle to shoot, when a bear attacks them from behind and eats the Czech. The Jew, scared shitless, runs back to town and tells everyone what happened. After some discussion, the worried townsfolk form a hunting party to deal with the man-eating bear.

Upon returning to the clearing, the hunting party sees two bears fucking. They ask the Jew which one ate his friend, to which the Jew replies, "the male, definitely the male."

So one of the townsfolk shoots the male bear, causing the female to run away. They cut open the bear's stomach, only to find a rabbit and some berries.

Never trust a Jew when they tell you the Czech is in the male.



Submitted November 30, 2016 at 03:43PM by saprophallophage

What did one ocean say to the other?

Nothing, they just waved.



Submitted November 30, 2016 at 03:40PM by Lawlish

To whoever stole my thesaurus...

...you made my day bad.

I hope bad things happen to you.

You're a bad person.



Submitted November 30, 2016 at 07:03PM by madazzahatter

I accidentally swallowed a handful of Scrabble tiles today.

My next bowel movement could spell disaster!

As seen on Gab.



Submitted November 30, 2016 at 03:41PM by Newbosterone

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven......

When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!"

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place.

It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.

St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"

The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.

She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on ... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.

St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"

The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"



Submitted November 30, 2016 at 02:41PM by No_Mercy_4_Potatoes

I went to a shredded cheese convention the other day...

it was grate



Submitted November 30, 2016 at 04:01PM by colton9696

Give it to me, I'm soo wet give it to me!

She could scream all she wanted but the umbrella was mine.



Submitted November 30, 2016 at 02:19PM by Sloverigne

I heard Reddit likes puns so I posted ten of them thinking at least one would reach the first page

No pun in ten did



Submitted November 30, 2016 at 01:48PM by RockyRockington

Whenever someone goes to the bathroom, my dad says, "Mention my name, you'll get a good seat."

Just kidding. I never knew my dad.



Submitted November 30, 2016 at 01:34PM by ACockHungryPet

In the year 2020, hindsight will be at its peak!

No text found

Submitted November 30, 2016 at 01:10PM by gregorytilidie

I ended my call to my friend saying "I hope you come naked!"...

Clearly taken back, he said, "WHAT DID YOU SAY??"

I replied "I said 'I hope you can make it'"

Real talk, I do this all the time. What are some other similar phrases I can say to people!? :D



Submitted November 30, 2016 at 12:52PM by mxracer888

Recently had to replace my catalytic converter.



Submitted November 30, 2016 at 12:41PM by HeroboT

My wife hasn't said a word to me in 6 days.

What's even better is, she thinks it's punishment.



Submitted November 30, 2016 at 06:41AM by Yea_I_Reddit

There are 3 Spies that get captured.

One spy is French, one is German and the other is Italian. Their captors come into the cell and grab the French spy and tie his hands behind a chair in the next room. They torture him for 2 hours before he answers all questions and gives up all of his secrets. The captors throw the French spy back into the cell and grab the German spy. They tie his hands behind the chair as well and torture him for 4 hours before he tells them what they want to know. They throw him back into the cell and grab the Italian spy. They tie his hands behind the chair and begin torturing. 4 hours go by and the spy isn't talking then 8 hours, then 16 and after 24 hours they give up and throw him back into the cell. The German and French spy are impressed and ask him how he managed to not talk. The Italian spy responds, " I wanted to!, but I couldn't move my hands!".



Submitted November 30, 2016 at 08:37AM by mercified_rahul

I have a friend who can tell what a kitchen top is made of just by touching it.

He's counter-intuitive



Submitted November 30, 2016 at 10:50AM by SilverwingedOther

She told me 'babe, please take my shirt off'

So i took it off Then she said 'now take my skirt off' So i took her skirt off 'Take off my shoes' So i took her shoes off 'Take off my bra and panties' So i took those off

Then she said 'i dont ever wanna catch you wearing my clothes again'



Submitted November 30, 2016 at 06:46AM by AzalBot

Why can't you trust a train?

Because it has loco motives



Submitted November 30, 2016 at 08:05AM by deecool1000

Commas can change the meaning of a sentence.

Example:

I like to eat apples. ---> I like to eat commas.



Submitted November 30, 2016 at 04:50AM by casd82

A telephone rang. "Hello! Is your phone number 444-4444?"

"Yes, it is," came the reply.

"Thank Goodness! Could you call 911 for me? I super-glued my finger to the phone."



Submitted November 30, 2016 at 06:51AM by mercified_rahul

In the Zelda games people often keep money in plant pots

They are probably trying to take advantage of the urned income tax credit



Submitted November 30, 2016 at 12:15AM by jagger2096

What is it called if you prefer bowls over plates

Dish-crimination



Submitted November 30, 2016 at 06:10AM by barber_floyd

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft...

Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.



Submitted November 30, 2016 at 05:54AM by madazzahatter

The Nintendo 64 turns 18 this week...

Which means you can now legally blow the cartridges.



Submitted November 30, 2016 at 06:56AM by bali_003

What does a polish bride get on her wedding night that is long and hard?

a new last name



Submitted November 30, 2016 at 04:24AM by 69petra

10 year old boy walks on his parent's room while they were having sex

Parents stop and looked, laugh a lot and then carry on boy leaves room in disgust 2 days later, father walks down stairs to find boy on top of grandmother, naked and fucking her ultra hard and fast boy turns to father and says "not so funny when it's YOUR mum, IS it?!



Submitted November 30, 2016 at 06:48AM by mercified_rahul

As I slipped my finger slowly inside her hole

... I could immediately feel it getting wetter and wetter. I took my finger back out and within seconds she was going down on me.

I thought to myself, "I really need a new fucking boat"



Submitted November 30, 2016 at 12:17AM by CurrentlySingle

What's the biggest city in the United States?

Obesity



Submitted November 30, 2016 at 12:18AM by bandit999999

A man's walking home late at night when he sees a woman in the shadows

"Twenty bucks," she says. He's never been with a hooker before, but he decides what the hell. They're going at it for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them—it’s a police officer. "What's going on here, people?" asks the officer. "I'm making love to my wife," the man answers indignantly. "Oh, I'm sorry," says the cop, "I didn't know." "Well," said the man, "neither did I until you shined that light in her face.



Submitted November 29, 2016 at 06:41PM by mk2030

An invisible man marries an invisible woman...

The kids were nothing to look at either.



Submitted November 30, 2016 at 05:36AM by madazzahatter

United States

Two immigrants from Africa arrive in the United States and are discussing the difference between their country and the U.S. One of them mentions he's heard that people in the U.S. eat dogs, and if they're going to fit in, they better eat dogs as well. So they head to the nearest hot dog stand and order two 'dogs.' The first guy unwraps his, looks at it, and nervously looks at his friend. "Which part did you get?"



Submitted November 29, 2016 at 06:40PM by solangy

Tuesday, November 29, 2016

The husband of the woman next door died.

The husband of the woman next door died. After the funeral, the widow shut herself inside the house for most of the day. The only time the widow would leave her home was at the crack of dawn, where she would stand outside and wail loudly in her yard until noon, before quickly retreating into her home.

The neighbors next door politely ignored her crying, trying their best to respect her grieving. However, their seven year old son was perplexed by her behavior.

One day, while waiting for the bus, the boy saw the widow doing her usual wailing. Overcome with curiosity, he walked over to her and tugged on her sleeve.

"Ma'am, why are you sad?"

She looked at him, wiping tears from her eyes. "My dear husband passed away."

"Yes, but why are you always crying this early in the day?"

"I guess I'm just a mourning person."



Submitted November 29, 2016 at 07:40PM by SakuOtaku

What happens when you mix goat DNA with human DNA?

You get kicked out of the petting zoo.



Submitted November 29, 2016 at 11:31PM by Fiddelstixman

2 fish are in a tank

One turns to the other and says

"how the fuck do you drive this thing?"



Submitted November 29, 2016 at 07:29PM by punnpundit

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?

It was dead.

Why did the live monkey fall out of the tree? It was stapled to the dead monkey.



Submitted November 29, 2016 at 09:13PM by 3joan

Did you hear about the cowboy who wore a hat made of paper towels?

He had a bounty on his head.



Submitted November 29, 2016 at 08:38PM by 3joan

When I drink alcohol, everyone says I'm an alcoholic.

But when I drink Fanta, no one says I'm fantastic.



Submitted November 29, 2016 at 02:55PM by IWantYourJewGold

A lot of people think a pirate's favorite letter is "R" ...

But it's actually ... the "C"!



Submitted November 29, 2016 at 05:08PM by meepsmops

Do mathematicians graduate with a radian or a degree?

No text found

Submitted November 29, 2016 at 03:44PM by Rkk1945

I once thought I had a Japanese friend.

But it was just my imagine Asian.



Submitted November 29, 2016 at 02:43PM by IWantYourJewGold

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon...

As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet.

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room.

He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever.

As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom.

He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room.

A few minutes later he returned with a cat.

The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot.

The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, But as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, A dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!"

She cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."



Submitted November 29, 2016 at 06:22PM by madazzahatter

A taxi driver speeds through a red light without even looking

And the passenger says, "whoa, what are you doing?! That was a red!"

The driver replies, "don't worry about it. My cousin, he does it all the time."

The passenger sits back until the driver blows through another red. He practically leaps out of his seat, "what are you doing?! You'll get us killed!"

The driver waves him off, "nonsense. My cousin, he does it all the time."

Then they come to a green light and the driver slams on the brakes and creeps into the intersection before taking off again. Now the passenger is livid.

"What was that?! That light was green!"

The driver nods and then shrugs before replying.

"My cousin. He mighta been coming."



Submitted November 29, 2016 at 01:21PM by WellThatsPrompting

Got my whole class today

I'm studying drama (I know) and today the tech lady was telling us horror stories of previous performances in the department. She then said "Oh yes, and then there was the tale of the eel!"
I said "I thought all of the eel was the tail!"
I got a few good groans.



Submitted November 29, 2016 at 03:57PM by H-u-w

GF's been feeling friskier now that her period's ending...

My GF and I have both been tired every night since we just finished moving our house. She was also on her period, so our frisky time has been cut down. She asked me last night to feel free to be more promiscuous with her, now that her period is ending.

Today we were putting a new TV stand together. She held the TV as a I maneuvered the screwdriver. I stopped and told her "Hey, you got your wish, we're screwing on the bed!"

I will not be screwing on the bed tonight after that.



Submitted November 29, 2016 at 04:43PM by Rasalom

A woman dies on her wedding day

George and Martha had dated all through high school and were deeply in love. Martha knew that George was "the one", but she wanted to save herself for marriage. After they graduated high school the big wedding day arrived. After the ceremony they left the church and were driving to the airport for their honeymoon in Paris when the car hit an icy patch and slammed into a tree.

Martha awoke in a beautiful hotel suite with a well-dressed young man standing at the foot of her bed. She began to panic, but the young man spoke. "Please be calm, Martha. I have terrible and wonderful news. The terrible news is that you were killed in an automobile accident. The wonderful news is that you were such a perfect Christian, you are now in heaven reliving your perfect day. By the way, I'm Jesus Christ, and I'll be your hotel concierge for eternity."

He walked to the window and pulled the shade, revealing a stunning view of the Paris skyline. The Eiffel Tower dominated the view from the window. "Every day you will celebrate your honeymoon. The entire city of Paris is open to your every whim."

"That's wonderful," Martha replied, "but what about George? It wouldn't be the same without him here."

"George survived the accident, so he's still on Earth. Of course he's grieving for you terribly, but he's scheduled to have a long and healthy life. When he passes you'll be able to spend eternity with each other. Oh, and don't worry, he will remain loyal to you to his dying day."

"Well, Heaven won't be perfect without him," Martha thought, "but at least I'll be able to pass my days in paradise. And when he does die, we'll be able to spend eternity together."

Days turned to months, and months turned into years. Martha explored every nook and cranny of this Paradise Paris. The people were friendly, everybody wore berets, and baguettes and fine wine were available on every corner. She knew this wasn't what Paris was really like, but she assumed that since this was her ideal version, it would be as she wanted it to be.

After a few months she started noticing hairs on the pillow next to her when she would awaken. Each day there were more and more hairs. Curious, she hit the call button on her phone and Jesus walked in the door. "What seems to be the matter, Mrs. Wilson?"

"Nothing's the matter, really; I'm just curious about something." She indicated the hairs on the pillow of her bed.

"Oh yes, Mrs. Wilson," Jesus said. "You see, your husband is suffering from premature baldness. The hair you are seeing is the part of him that is no longer alive, and it is showing up in heaven. When he arrives the hair will be back on his head, and he'll have the luxurious mane you remembered him for."

Martha thought about George losing his hair and hoped that it wouldn't adversely affect him in life. She closed her eyes and uttered a silent prayer that his friends and business associates would not look down on him due to the loss of his locks.

Jesus (because he was Jesus) heard her silent prayer. He put a reassuring hand on her shoulder. "I assure you, Mrs. Wilson, that George will not only suffer no negative effects from his hair loss, but he'll appear quite distinguished. If anything, this will help him in life. If you would like, I can take the hair away and put it in storage until the Big Day."

"No, that's all right," Martha stated. "Just leave it in a dish by the bedside so that when I feel lonely I can run my hands through his hair."

Several more months passed. One day Martha awoke to feel something under the covers at the foot of the bed. She pulled back the sheets and was astonished to find two human toes laying there. She screamed.

Jesus rushed through the door. "What seems to be the problem, Mrs. Wilson?"

"There are two toes in my bed!"

"Oh yes, Mrs. Wilson. My apologies, I should have mentioned this before. Last night, George's car broke down in the middle of the woods and he was forced to hike for several miles in the snow before he was found. As a result he contracted frostbite in the two small toes of his left foot. I assure you, however, that he's expected to make a full recovery."

Martha closed her eyes and uttered a silent prayer that George would not suffer unduly.

Jesus (because he was Jesus) heard her silent prayer. He put a reassuring hand on her shoulder. "I assure you, Mrs. Wilson, that George will be perfectly fine. He will have to walk with a cane, but there are no other negative effects. Also I should mention that every day he pines for you, and he has remained constant and loyal all these years. If you would like, I can take these toes away and put them in storage until the Big Day."

Martha agreed, and Jesus brushed the toes into his hand and stepped out of the door.

Years passed. One day Martha awoke and noticed that there was a giant mound under the blankets next to her. She pulled back the sheets and was aghast to discover a human pelvis laying in the bed. She screamed.

Jesus rushed through the door. "What seems to be the problem, Mrs. Wilson?"

"There's a... pelvis in my bed!"

"Oh yes, Mrs. Wilson. I'm sorry to inform you that your dear George was taking a shower yesterday when he slipped and fell, shattering his pelvis. However he's been fitted with a prosthetic hip and is expected to make a full recovery, and still has several long productive years on earth. And every day he pines for you."

Martha closed her eyes and uttered a silent prayer. Jesus (because he was Jesus) heard the prayer.

"Penis cancer. Penis cancer. Penis cancer."

[NOTE: I don't know if it's funny but at least it's original. I came up with it in the shower this morning.]



Submitted November 29, 2016 at 12:44PM by donquixote235

What do you call a Swedish vehicles history report?

A Saab story.



Submitted November 29, 2016 at 02:40PM by Bob1x1

The Sensitive Man

A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together..

They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment she notices that one wall of his bedroom is Completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddybears.

There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, Cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall!

It's obvious that he has taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them. She's immediately touched by the amount of thought he put into organizing the display.

There are small bears all alongThe bottom shelf, Medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and Huge, enormous bears running

All the way along the top shelf.

She finds it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of teddy bears. She is quite impressed by his sensitive side, but don't mention this to him.

They share a bottle of wine and continue talking. After awhile, she finds herself thinking, "Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one! Maybe he could be the future father of my children?"

She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips.

He responds warmly. They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom, where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love.

She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known.

After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow.

The woman rolls over, gently Strokes his chest and asks coyly,

'Well, how was it?'

The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says:

'Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf'



Submitted November 29, 2016 at 11:35AM by Razmada70

Chemistry Joke

So a Physicist, Chemist and Biologist walk down the beach to the ocean. They stand together and watch the waves as the water splashes up to meet their feet. "Look at those waves, the shear crushing weight of the water powered by tidal forces! I must study them further!" Says the Physicist, as he walked out into the water, never to be seen again. "All that life in the ocean, from the smallest plankton to the giant whales! I must study them further!" The Biologist says as he wades into the waves, never to be seen again. The Chemist watches the waves for a couple more minutes, checks his watch, pulls out a pad of paper and writes: Physicists and Biologists are soluble in seawater... clicks his pen and walks home.



Submitted November 29, 2016 at 08:18AM by Khazahk

What happens when a pizzaman does an AMA on Reddit?

OP delivers.



Submitted November 29, 2016 at 08:31AM by Chengweiyingji

What do you call a person who doesn't believe in Santa?

A rebel without a Claus



Submitted November 29, 2016 at 11:34AM by TheGomeeez

What do you call a potato that had too much pot?

A baked potato.



Submitted November 29, 2016 at 11:54AM by UlvakSkillz

What do you call an elf that doesn't sing?

A wrapper.



Submitted November 29, 2016 at 10:19AM by TheGomeeez

My doctor told me to start killing people.

Well not in those exact words. He said I had to reduce the stress in my life. Same thing.



Submitted November 29, 2016 at 08:48AM by Karpukoly

Where did Napoleon go to the bathroom?

At the waterloo.



Submitted November 29, 2016 at 09:18AM by TheRtHonLaqueesha

Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself?

It was two tired.



Submitted November 29, 2016 at 08:50AM by TSherT

My buddy went to get a tattoo of an Indian on his back...

Half way through he said "Don't forget to put a big tomahawk in his hand."

The tattooist said "Hang on pal, I've only just finished his turban."



Submitted November 29, 2016 at 06:54AM by madazzahatter

A man goes to a zoo, but the only animals in the entire zoo are canines

This zoo has really gone to the dogs



Submitted November 29, 2016 at 09:38AM by twogreen

Hey r/dadjokes, what's my elf name?

I need an elf name for a 5k charity run. It's called "The Big Elf Run" and it has to be family friendly. But seeing as this is the most creative sub on Reddit I thought you guys could help.



Submitted November 29, 2016 at 08:56AM by Bossman01

My whole family gets diarrhea.

My dad says it's because it runs in the jeans.



Submitted November 29, 2016 at 09:34AM by Classiceagle63

Mom: Son, why don't you talk to Steven anymore? You used to be best friends!

Son: Well, would you talk to someone who is stupid, does drugs, and is an alcoholic?

Mom: Of course not!

Son: Well, neither would he.

Edit: a word



Submitted November 29, 2016 at 04:52AM by riley7832

1984 is a great work of literature.

I think all kids should be forced to read it.



Submitted November 29, 2016 at 07:42AM by TheWillicus

I went to my first Fight Club meeting last night

Unfortunately I arrived 10 minutes late so I missed the introductions but I must say I had a fantastic time I'd recommend it to everyone.



Submitted November 29, 2016 at 06:56AM by nicklo2k

Did you know that Capt Ahab was a problematic baby?

He just wouldn't stop whaling.



Submitted November 29, 2016 at 04:14AM by captmomo

I tried to get rid of this rash on my foot, but I couldn't.

I admit defeet.



Submitted November 29, 2016 at 06:04AM by TheRtHonLaqueesha

I accidentally gave my wife superglue instead of Chapstick

She's still not talking to me.



Submitted November 29, 2016 at 04:08AM by riley7832

All of the organs are deciding who should be in charge

"I should be in charge," said the brain , "I run all the body's systems, without me nothing would happen."

"I should be in charge," said the heart , "I circulate oxygen and nutrients all over."

"No! I should be in charge," said the stomach, "I process the food that gives us energy."

"I should be in charge," said the legs, "without me the body couldn't go anywhere."

"I should be in charge," said the eyes, "I allow the body to see where it goes." "I should be in charge," said the anus, "I am responsible for waste removal."

All of the other body parts laughed at the anus and insulted him. So he shut down. Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the heart pumped toxic blood. They all decided that the anus should be the boss.

What is the moral of the story? Even though everybody else does all of the work the ass hole is usually in charge.



Submitted November 29, 2016 at 01:16AM by frostyfarrow

A radio station in Ireland is taking calls to find a word that is commonly used but isn't in the dictionary yet...

The first caller get's through,

"Hello! What word do you think should be in the dictionary?"

"Goan!"

"Goan? Can you use it in a sentence?"

"Aye, go'an fuck yerself!" The caller then begins laughing until the station can cut off his call.

After several more calls they get another man,

"And what's your word sir?"

"Smee!"

"Can you use it in a sentence?"

"Aye! S'mee again! Go'an fuck yerself!"



Submitted November 29, 2016 at 03:42AM by Toraden

So two gay men are traveling

...on a plane. Let's call them Steve and Bill.

"Dude, what if we had sex?" asks Steve.

"You crazy? Here, on the plane? It would be awkward, everyone would watch us doing it..."

"Man, nobody is even paying attention to anything. Look!"

Steve stands up and asks loudly:

"Could I have a pencil, please?"

Nobody gives a damn. Everyone is sleeping, reading, looking out the window, etc.

"They really wouldn't care then, would they?" says Bill.

So Steve and Bill have wild sex on the plane.

Later, when the plane arrives to the airport and the people are leaving, the stewardess sees an old man who threw up all over his shirt, even his pants are soaking in the filth.

"Sir, you should've asked for a bag!"

"I didn't dare" whispers the old man. "A few rows ahead I saw a man asking for a pencil and he got fucked in the ass..."



Submitted November 28, 2016 at 11:07PM by GloomyShamrock

You know of holy water. But have you heard of holy milk?

It's pastorized.



Submitted November 28, 2016 at 09:50PM by Visionce

This graveyard looks overcrowded...

People must be dying to get in there...



Submitted November 29, 2016 at 02:15AM by N0B0dyyy

Monday, November 28, 2016

A guy is sitting at a bar staring at his drink when a huge biker grabs his drink and gulps it down.

"Well, whatcha' gonna do about it ?" says the Biker?" The man begins crying. "Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY you wimp."

The guy says. "Well this is the worst day of my life. I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home and then found my wife with another man. So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; then you show up and drink the whole thing!"



Submitted November 28, 2016 at 07:34PM by Templarbard

I had to take a cat to animal control today.

I literally took the pussy to pound town.



Submitted November 29, 2016 at 12:18AM by Urmomknows

A Woman Wanted To Take A Milk Bath...

...So she went to a Dairy Farm and asked the Farmer if she could buy enough fresh milk to fill a large bathtub.

"Pasteurized?" asked the Farmer.

"No," said the woman. "Just up to my shoulders."



Submitted November 29, 2016 at 12:39AM by ZorroMeansFox

I used to be a decimal...

But now I'm only a fraction of my former self.



Submitted November 28, 2016 at 10:08PM by StumptheTrump1

Every single morning I get hit by the same bike...

It's a vicious cycle.



Submitted November 28, 2016 at 11:34PM by madazzahatter

Every single morning I get hit by the same bike...

It's a vicious cycle.



Submitted November 28, 2016 at 11:34PM by madazzahatter

Piano player nsfw

So a bar owner has a piano in the corner that never gets played. He puts an ad in the paper to see if he can get a piano player to liven the place up.

The day of the auditions arrives and everyone is horrible. He's about to give up when a young man walks in and asks if he could audition. The bar owner agrees and the young man starts playing.

The first song is incredible but the owner had never heard it before. He asked what the song was called and the answer shocked him.

"I call it giving my sister ass herpes. I wrote it myself" said the young man. "Do you want to hear another song that I wrote called raping my neighbors dog"? The bar owner reluctantly agreed.

The second song was even better than the first. The owner decides to hire the young man. He will let the young man play his own songs but only if he doesn't tell the bar patrons the names of his songs.

Everything was going great on the first night. The bar was packed and the tip jar on the piano was full. The young man announced he was taking a short break and went into the bathroom.

When he came out a woman came up to him and asked "Do you know your fly is open and your dick is hanging out?"

The young man looks at her excitedly and says "Know it, I wrote it!"



Submitted November 28, 2016 at 05:25PM by red23011

Me every time I walk up to someone's fridge to get ice from the dispenser, I purposely set it to water and yell....

...."I think your refrigerator is broken. This ice is coming out melted!"



Submitted November 28, 2016 at 09:42PM by DudeWheresMyEmpanada

I saw someone wearing a viagra jacket

It was a hard look to pull off



Submitted November 28, 2016 at 10:01PM by lost_platypus

An old man has been standing in line at the pearly gates for so long, when he gets to the front, he can't remember his name for St. Peter to look up in the Big Book...

Peter doesn't know what to do, so he gets Jesus to help him figure it out.

Jesus says "Tell us about your life, maybe that will jog your memory."

The old man says "Well, I only had one child, a son."

Jesus smiles and says "Heh, I was an only child too. Go on."

The man says "I was a... some kind of wood-worker or carpenter... something like that."

Jesus is like "Huh, that's another coincidence. Anything else you can remember?"

The man shakes his head a bit and says "You may not believe this, but my son - he was brought to life through a miracle!"

Jesus' jaw drops, he smiles, and tears comes to his eyes, "Father??"

The old man's eyes open wide, "Pinocchio??"



Submitted November 28, 2016 at 07:15PM by madazzahatter

A man with a black eye takes his seat on the plane, when he notices that the man next to him also has a black eye....

"How did you get yours?" He asked

"A Freudian slip at the ticket gate," he replies "the girl selling the tickets was beautiful busty blonde. When I meant to ask for a ticket to Pittsburg, I accidentally asked for a picket to Tits-burg and she clocked be right in the eye. How about you? How'd you get your shiner?"

"It's so funny you should say that," answered the first man "mine was from a Freudian slip too! I was at the breakfast table with my wife this morning. What I meant to say was 'Could you please pass the sugar, honey?' But what I accidentally said was 'You fucking bitch, you've ruined my life'



Submitted November 28, 2016 at 04:51PM by RockyRockington

Top reddit posters should use their karma to help the environment

They are already experts at recycling.



Submitted November 28, 2016 at 06:03PM by Po1sonator

A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park...

As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away.

He put the beast out and headed home.

Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!

He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home.

At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.

Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?"

"Yes", the wife answers, "why do you ask?"

Frustrated, the man answered, "Put him on the phone, I'm lost and need directions!"



Submitted November 28, 2016 at 07:19PM by madazzahatter

A cowboy is sitting in a bar...

A woman sits down next to him and says, "Are you a real cowboy?"
He says, "Well ma'am, I ride a horse all day, herd cattle, rope cattle, brand cattle. I reckon I'm a real cowboy alright. So... you like cowboys, do ya?"
She says, "Oh, don't get the wrong idea. I'm a lesbian."
Cowboy says, "What's that?"
She says, "It means I like women. All I think about all day is women. Beautiful, sensual, erotic, naked women. Nice to meet a real cowboy though." Then she gets up and leaves.
Another woman comes and sits down. "Say there... are you a real cowboy?"
He ponders for a moment and says, "Well ma'am, I used to think I was. But I just found out I'm a lesbian."



Submitted November 28, 2016 at 12:44PM by Whingdoodle

What sound does a drinking mathematician make?

LOGLOGLOGLOGLOG



Submitted November 28, 2016 at 02:31PM by KrypticEU

My wife constantly orders me around Today she told me to stop impersonating a flamingo.

I had to put my foot down.



Submitted November 28, 2016 at 02:49PM by Gazcobain

BodyBuilder and a Blonde

The body builder takes off his shirt and the blonde says, 'What a great chest you have!' He tells her, 'That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, baby.' He takes off his pants and the blonde says, 'What massive calves you have!' The body builder tells her, 'That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, baby.' He then removes his underwear, and the blonde goes running out of the apartment screaming in fear. The body builder puts his clothes back on and chases after her. He catches up to her and asks why she ran out of the apartment like that. The blonde replies, 'I was afraid to be around all that dynamite after I saw how short the fuse was



Submitted November 28, 2016 at 09:32AM by drollia

What do you call a cow's husband or wife?

Their significant udder.



Submitted November 28, 2016 at 12:50PM by CatsLikeBoxes03

I just found out my wife has an identical twin

I saw her on Tinder.



Submitted November 28, 2016 at 08:44AM by wutang77

I remember when my dad once gave me money to pay the electricity bill.

Instead, I bought a lottery ticket for a brand new car. When I got home, I explained to my dad what I did and he beat the crap out of me.

But the next day, when my dad woke up and opened the house door, parked outside my house was a brand new car. We all cried; especially me, because the car was from the electricity company and they were there to cut off the electricity, so my dad beat the crap out of me again.



Submitted November 28, 2016 at 08:50AM by myth-of-sissyfuss

I finally achived my lifelong goal of climbing to the top of Everest...

But since then it's all been down hill...



Submitted November 28, 2016 at 11:24AM by Spartanyoej

Justin Tucker delivering an absolute classic

As a Steelers fan it pains me to say but JTuck is easily my new favorite Raven. Fantastic delivery. And an even better confused, fake laugh response from the crowd.

http://ift.tt/2fI95Nc



Submitted November 28, 2016 at 07:32AM by BaconStorf

A man goes to a zoo, but the only animal in the entire zoo is a dog.

It was a shih tzu.



Submitted November 28, 2016 at 10:27AM by Pringlepowder

I pulled the shell off of my snail to make him faster

Turned out it had the opposite effect, now he's a little sluggish.



Submitted November 28, 2016 at 05:13AM by riley7832

Some people think filling animals with helium is wrong...

I don't judge. Whatever floats your goat.



Submitted November 28, 2016 at 06:12AM by Childflayer

How do plants greet?

Aloe.



Submitted November 28, 2016 at 09:29AM by StumptheTrump1

I tried to force feed my child.....

After a while, my wife said, "Just use a fucking spoon Mike, you're not a Jedi."



Submitted November 28, 2016 at 07:59AM by bali_003

The Morning After Joke

The wife and I got busy last night. As soon as we woke up this morning, I say, "Wow, I'm surprised that you are back already!"

She replies, "What?"

And I deliver, "Because I dropped you off at Pound Town last night."

The morning after joke is almost as fun as the night before.



Submitted November 28, 2016 at 09:13AM by sp-reddit-on

Listening to a story on NPR about the Crimea Bridge.

I didn't catch the name of the body of water the bridge goes over. Is it the Crimea River?



Submitted November 28, 2016 at 08:31AM by Sudtle

An old blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake...

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1) The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2) The bouncer is a blonde girl with a 'Billy-Club'.

3) I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4) The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.

5) The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

'Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy.... Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times............'



Submitted November 28, 2016 at 06:47AM by AvoidableBoat67

Dad pulled one on me this morning

I did laundry last night and accidentally put my wallet through. My dad walks in to me sorting everything on top of the washer and says "What are you doing, laundering money?"



Submitted November 28, 2016 at 08:07AM by Assassin4Hire13

Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper?

He sold his soul to Santa.



Submitted November 28, 2016 at 07:07AM by freddie_mercx

A physicist sees a young man about to jump off the Empire State Building...

He yells "Don't do it! You have so much potential!"



Submitted November 28, 2016 at 04:44AM by Chusera

A piece of toast and a hard boiled egg walked into a bar....

The bartender says " Sorry, we don't serve breakfast here"....



Submitted November 28, 2016 at 04:52AM by RobertJCrawford1

A pirate is selling his loot at a stand on the docks

A pirate is selling some loot at a stand he has set up on the docks. A man approaches and is interested in hearing about how he lost his limbs.

Man: "How did you lose your leg?"

Pirate: "I was fighting off a shark in the sea. He got me leg, but I got one of his teeth. Now I use this wooden leg to replace me real one."

Man: "Is that how you lost your hand too?"

Pirate: "No, that was lost when I was attacking another boat of pirates. The captain got me hand, but I got his boat. Now I have this hook to replace me real hand."

Man: "Did you lose your eye in that battle as well?"

Pirate: "No, that was lost when a bird pooped in me eye and I tried to wipe it out. Twas the first day I had me hook."



Submitted November 28, 2016 at 12:44AM by JedaiGai

It's hard to explain puns to Kleptomaniacs

Because they always take things literally.



Submitted November 27, 2016 at 09:41PM by CheesePancakes69

An original joke.

Sorry, wrong subreddit.



Submitted November 27, 2016 at 10:28PM by ApexReflex

Why couldn't Snape be a Herbology teacher?

Because he wasn't able to keep the Lilies alive.



Submitted November 27, 2016 at 10:13PM by loganater186

A furniture store keeps calling me

All I wanted was one night stand



Submitted November 28, 2016 at 02:45AM by N0B0dyyy

Sunday, November 27, 2016

If Austria had a space program...

Would they be called Austranauts?



Submitted November 28, 2016 at 02:11AM by stiggy_5

Olive was a mean reindeer

Tried to tell this one to someone at work, he's 18 I'm 34, and I now realize how lame I am. His reply was, "I get it, I have an uncle." Have I become one of these people?



Submitted November 27, 2016 at 11:55PM by Trtlman

Did you hear about the guys who invented the "knock knock" joke?

They won the "no-bell" prize.



Submitted November 27, 2016 at 10:43PM by Sed1458

A mother was tucking her daughter when the daughter asks her what a Penis is.

Little girl: "Mommy, what's a Penis?

Mom: "Be a good girl and you'll get one when you grow up."

Little girl: But what if I'm a bad girl?"

Mom: "Then you'll get more."



Submitted November 27, 2016 at 09:52PM by Breaker-of-circles

Whoever answers my next question, can go home.

Teacher: Whoever answers my next question, can go home.

*One boy throws his bag out the window.*

Teacher: Who just threw that?

Boy: Me and I’m going home now.



Submitted November 27, 2016 at 08:10PM by koji_Cz

What do Left Handed people hate the most?

Not being right.



Submitted November 27, 2016 at 11:22PM by ArmoredSpearhead

When is a door not a door

When it's ajar



Submitted November 27, 2016 at 09:35PM by Atm47

A sneeze walks in to a clothes shop...

And the assistant says "what are you looking for?"

The sneeze says "a shoe".



Submitted November 27, 2016 at 07:08PM by shanekorn

If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times,

does he become disoriented?



Submitted November 27, 2016 at 09:08PM by Too_MuchWhiskey

What do you call children that are born into a Whorehouse?

Brothel Sprouts



Submitted November 27, 2016 at 01:46PM by TempoDutch

Hillary's mad at Satan

Hillary: Satan! We had a deal! Where's the election victory that you promised me?

Satan: Where's the soul that you said you had?



Submitted November 27, 2016 at 11:01AM by boysington

I should have known better than to buy cheap paper

It's tearable.



Submitted November 27, 2016 at 08:32PM by yoquiero

My uncle's name is Carl

Him: "You know what they call me back home,right?" Me:"What?" Him:"Carl."



Submitted November 27, 2016 at 07:52PM by bndwgnfn

No matter what music Santa listens to. It all sleighs him.

Told this to my daughter. She then squirts me with a squirt gun we use to keep the dogs from barking.



Submitted November 27, 2016 at 07:55PM by lucidus_somniorum

My boss got my at work today.

I work in a grocery store. My boss was stocking some shelves near me with drinks. He looks over to me and says "Do you know what state has the smallest beverages?"

I naively respond with "no".

"Mini soda."



Submitted November 27, 2016 at 05:08PM by CaptainRipp

I wonder if mormons support transgendered people

if they did, they could go on a transmission

-- authentic dadjoke overheard at breakfast



Submitted November 27, 2016 at 11:24AM by martial_fluidity

SCHOOL JOKES,Teacher and student

Teacher: "If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?" Johnny: "Seven." Teacher: "No, listen carefully... If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?" Johnny: "Seven." Teacher: "Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?" Johnny: "Six." Teacher: "Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?" Johnny: "Seven!" Teacher: "Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!" Johnny: "Because I've already got a freaking cat!"



Submitted November 27, 2016 at 10:09AM by shakee786

A man applies for a job with the local police.

The officer says, "This is the best résumé I've ever seen! There's just one more test before you get the job. Take this gun, go out and shoot eight black guys and a cat."

Guy replies "Why the cat?"

Officer says "Great attitude, you're hired!"



Submitted November 27, 2016 at 11:41AM by wed_niatnuom

What's the dumbest animal in the jungle?

The polar bear



Submitted November 27, 2016 at 02:45PM by Kuczkowski

What's the difference between USA and USB?

One has standards



Submitted November 27, 2016 at 12:20PM by svenskarrmatey

Three fathers are talking about their sons...

The first father says, "my sons a successful doctor. He's so rich, he just bought his best friend a Lamborghini".

The second father said, "my sons a successful hedge fund manager. He's so rich, he just bought his best friend a yacht".

The third father says, "my sons the CEO of a big company. He's so rich he just bought his best friend a castle".

Right then, a fourth father walks in and asks what they're talking about. The other three fathers say, "we're talking about our successful sons, what does yours do?" The fourth father says, "well my sons a gay stripper." The other three fathers say, "oh wow, you must be really disappointed."

The fourth father replies with, "well not really, he's doing really well. His three boyfriends just bought him a Lamborghini, a yacht, and a castle."



Submitted November 27, 2016 at 11:13AM by iRyaaanM

You know those silly hacker movies where they're hacking so hard they type on two keyboards at once?

Such blatant stereo-typing



Submitted November 27, 2016 at 01:51PM by shelvac2

So my Dad is interested in Traditional Chinese Cooking

He's been talking about get the right equipment for years but has never gone through with it.

He can talk the talk but can he wok the wok?



Submitted November 27, 2016 at 12:49PM by jmike3543

I don't get why aquatic animals are a thing.

They surf no porpoise



Submitted November 27, 2016 at 11:31AM by Wizardsofdra

A rich guy is having a fancy party

A rich guy is having a fancy party So he calls the attention of all his guests and says, "Ladies and gents, behind you is a swimming pool with an alligator in it. Whoever is brave enough to swim across it and survive shall be rewarded fifty thousand dollars." While everyone is still staring at the rich man, there is a loud splash. To everyone's amazement there is a man swimming across the pool as hard as possible and barely makes it to the other side. The rich man says, "Congratulations! Here is your check for fifty thousand dollars." The man, soaking wet says, "I don't want!". "You don't want it?" Again he says "I don't want it!" "Well how about 50 thousand dollars in cash?" again, "I don't want it!!" "How about my beautiful daughter? You can have her." yet again, "I don't want her!!" The rich man then says, "Well what do you want?" to which the other guy says, "I want the motherfucker that pushed me in the pool!!"



Submitted November 27, 2016 at 09:05AM by drollia

What is the difference between a circus and a whorehouse?[NSFW[

One is an array of cunning stunts and the other is an array of stunning cunts



Submitted November 27, 2016 at 10:50AM by Yoloswagotron

I asked my wife what she wanted for christmas she told me "nothing would make her happier than a diamond necklace"

so I bought her nothing



Submitted November 27, 2016 at 05:31AM by E7Polar

The airlines need to upgrade their wifi.

They've got some serious jetlag.



Submitted November 27, 2016 at 08:10AM by TheRtHonLaqueesha

I stole a guy's pet doe.

I had to commandeer it.



Submitted November 27, 2016 at 08:35AM by TheRtHonLaqueesha

I saw two kids fighting on the elementary school playground...

Being the only adult around, I had to step in.

They didn’t stand a chance.



Submitted November 27, 2016 at 06:34AM by madazzahatter

"Dad I want to be a feminist when I grow up"

"Well, pick one honey, you can't do both"



Submitted November 27, 2016 at 05:08AM by FlawedLuck

I stole a stripper's kid.

It was like taking baby from a Candy.



Submitted November 27, 2016 at 04:19AM by sebfazio

Broken pencils...

...are pointless.



Submitted November 27, 2016 at 06:15AM by madazzahatter

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned.....

The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny.

So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks.

The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty.

She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!

One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."

"My darling," he replied, "Think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.



Submitted November 26, 2016 at 11:21PM by No_Mercy_4_Potatoes

Saturday, November 26, 2016

"Doctor, I've got this very strange condition"

...I fart all the time, but they don't smell and are completely silent. You probably didn't notice, but I've farted six times since you entered the room." The doctor nods and writes a script. "Take these and come back in a week." A week later the old lady comes back to the doctor "You sonofabitch! I don't know what you gave me but it just made everything worse. I still fart all the time, they are still silent, but now they all stink!" The doctor nods and says "Well, we cleared your sinuses, now let's see what we can do about your hearing."



Submitted November 26, 2016 at 10:20PM by OG_QewQew

What's the difference between your wife and your job?

After five years, your job will still suck.



Submitted November 26, 2016 at 06:48PM by ElvishNine

On the last day of Barack's presidency, he and Donald Trump go to the same barbershop to get their hair done.

On the last day of Barack's presidency, he and Donald Trump go to the same barbershop to get their hair done.

Barbers decide not to talk about politics, and everybody ends up not talking at all. The air is so tense. it could be almost cut with the barber's knife.

Donald's hair gets finished first, and when the barber tries to apply some cologne to it, Donald goes nuts "Are you out of your mind? I can't go to my house smelling like I've been in a brothel. Melania would go crazy".

Right at that point the other barber finishes doing Barack's hair and goes, "So Mr. President, I guess you won't like cologne either?"

"I don't have a problem with that", says Barack with half smile on his face; "Michelle doesn't know what a brothel smells like."



Submitted November 26, 2016 at 11:04PM by ramdhiraj

How much does it cost a pirate to pierce his ears?

A buccaneer!



Submitted November 26, 2016 at 11:56PM by madazzahatter

What do you call a woman who can't draw?

Tracy



Submitted November 26, 2016 at 09:13PM by Lacks_Sense_Of_Humor

How do you know the letters A through Y are all evil letters?

Because they're all not Z's



Submitted November 26, 2016 at 04:36PM by Apocabutts

After an altercation with my boss, I decided to leave my job at the helium factory.

I refuse to be spoken to in that tone of voice.



Submitted November 26, 2016 at 06:50PM by Unkie_Herb

How do astronauts know when their next departure is?

They planet.



Submitted November 26, 2016 at 05:18PM by I_press_keys

I asked my North Korean friend how it was there

he said he couldn't complain.



Submitted November 26, 2016 at 12:01PM by Dragon_Orca

Apparently there is bi-partisan agreement in Congress that medicinal marijuana should be allowed for the purpose of relieving arthritic pain.

In other words, there is joint support for joint support for joint support.



Submitted November 26, 2016 at 05:07PM by FuriasRevenge

What's the difference between a sock and a camera?

A camera takes photos and a sock takes five toes.



Submitted November 26, 2016 at 06:00PM by MavGore

Shout out to anyone who doesn't know what the opposite of in is

No text found

Submitted November 26, 2016 at 05:53PM by Humeon

I lose my White friends in the snow, I lose my Black friends at night, I lose my Asian friends in the sand, where do I lose my Arab friends?

In an explosion.



Submitted November 26, 2016 at 06:41PM by imawerido1

Every time I pass a cemetery I point to it and say...

... people are just dying to get in there.

I can't wait to have kids to see if they have their mother's groan.



Submitted November 26, 2016 at 02:53PM by scoo89

I was so depressed last night

thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Lifeline. I got a call center in Pakistan , and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.



Submitted November 26, 2016 at 09:07AM by chandan_bmw

How does the man on the moon cut his hair?

Eclipse it.



Submitted November 26, 2016 at 12:38PM by KaboomBaby4

My sister was searching for a certain lipstick color...

The color in question was "divine wine".

Dad: "Doesn't all wine come from da vine?"



Submitted November 26, 2016 at 01:34PM by will_owens18

When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet.

I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.



Submitted November 26, 2016 at 10:46AM by GearXL

I steal candy bars using slight of hand...

You could say I have a few Twix up my sleeve



Submitted November 26, 2016 at 10:49AM by Heath2495

A clown offered to share the taxi...

I thought it was a nice jester



Submitted November 26, 2016 at 07:30AM by Hurt-Lock

I came into this subreddit expecting jokes about soap. I am mildly disappointed.

No text found

Submitted November 26, 2016 at 12:50PM by BrimstoneisOP

Fidel Castro was a cigar-smoking, repressive leader who hated free speech and a free press.

Donald Trump, in comparison, doesn't smoke.



Submitted November 26, 2016 at 09:02AM by i4smile

Son leaves a note

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an Envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.'

With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.

Dear Dad: It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.

I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice.

But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it's not only the passion...Dad she's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy.

She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone.

We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy.

In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it.

Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself.

Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren. Love, Your Son John

PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house.

I Just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than a Report card that's in my center desk drawer.

I love you. Call me when it's safe to come home



Submitted November 26, 2016 at 09:37AM by raknor88

This guy’s walking home from work, really late, in the pitch black of night...

There isn’t another soul on the street.

Suddenly, from out of the gloom, comes an ominous bump...bump…bump.

He looks behind him and spots a furtive, shadowy thing coming down the street after him.

Unnerved, he picks up his pace, finally breaking into a panicked run.

He looks behind him again, and the shadow is closer.

Bump…bump…bump.

The glow of a streetlight illuminates the shadow momentarily, and, to the man’s horror, it is a coffin, bumping down the sidewalk.

He quickens his pace, running as fast as he can go, but the coffin only pursues more quickly.

BUMP…BUMP…BUMP!

He reaches his house, fumbles frantically for his keys, and slips in the door just as the coffin reaches his front steps.

He slams the door and leans against it, catching his breath.

Bump…bump…bump.

There is a moment’s silence, and the man wonders if he dares to breathe.

Suddenly…. Bump…bump…bump…Bump…

BUMP! BUMP!

BUMPBUMPBUMPCRAAAAASH!!!!

He rebounds away as the door breaks off its hinges.

Scrambling to his feet, he charges up the stairs, and the coffin races after.

BUMP BUMP BUMP BUMP!

Terrified, he backs into a corner and starts throwing everything within reach at the coffin — a handful of papers, a vase, a box of crackers, a lamp — but the coffin keeps coming!

BUMP BUMP BUMP BUMP BUMP INCHESFROMHISFACE, and nothing seems to slow it down!

His hands fall upon a bottle of cough syrup, and he throws that at the coffin, too!

The coffin stops.



Submitted November 26, 2016 at 08:10AM by madazzahatter

When midgets smoke weed...

...do they get high, or do they just get medium?



Submitted November 26, 2016 at 05:13AM by Oh_its_that_asshole

Whoever stole my copy of Office 365, I will find you

You have my Word.



Submitted November 26, 2016 at 03:42AM by DarkJarris

I fear for the calendar, it’s days are numbered.

No text found

Submitted November 26, 2016 at 09:39AM by TheSupraDixk

An escaped prisoner was captured down at the docks.

They were harboring a fugitive.



Submitted November 26, 2016 at 08:38AM by TheRtHonLaqueesha

A meth addict tried to shoot me with a sniper rifle.

He was a real crack shot!



Submitted November 26, 2016 at 08:50AM by TheRtHonLaqueesha

What do prime numbers and stoners have in common?

The higher they are, the more spaced out they get



Submitted November 26, 2016 at 05:30AM by datetipz-com

Every time we cross train tracks, I tell my kids...

“Hey, a train just went by!”

“How do you know daddy?”

“Because its tracks are still here!”



Submitted November 26, 2016 at 07:02AM by madazzahatter

My son is sort of like rapunzel

But instead of letting his hair down he lets everybody down.



Submitted November 26, 2016 at 01:42AM by RandomPerson696

A woman is addicted to pretending to be a nun.

She just can't lose the habit.



Submitted November 26, 2016 at 05:34AM by Lying_Dutchman

Eating pussy is like going on a roadtrip with your wife

You don't want to stop and ask for directions and you dont want to admit that a handheld device could do a better job than you



Submitted November 25, 2016 at 10:09PM by LiveFastDieSlow

What did Woody say to Buzz?

A lot. There were 3 movies.



Submitted November 26, 2016 at 12:39AM by viktorreznv

My lack of knowledge of Greek Mythology...

...is my Achille’s knee.



Submitted November 26, 2016 at 04:35AM by madazzahatter

I invented a time machine...

...next week.



Submitted November 26, 2016 at 04:32AM by madazzahatter

If they do the presidential recount and overturn the decision...

That would really be an unpresidented event.



Submitted November 26, 2016 at 02:37AM by Modna

What do you call a Mexican who has lost his car? Carlos.

No text found

Submitted November 26, 2016 at 02:38AM by TheSupraDixk

Last night your mother and I watched two movies back to back...

Luckily I was the one facing the TV.



Submitted November 26, 2016 at 12:42AM by aceoftrachs

Friday, November 25, 2016

A 6 year old & a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom.

“You know what?” says the 6 year old. “I think it's about time we started cussing. The 4 year old nods his head in approval. The 6 year old continues, “When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with hell & you say something with ass.” The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

When the mother walks into the kitchen & asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, “Aw, hell, Mom, guess I'll have some Cheerios.” WHACK!! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, & runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. His mom locks him in his room & shouts, “You can stay there until I let you out!"

She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old & asks with a stern voice, “And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?” “I don't know”, he blubbers, “but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios!”



Submitted November 25, 2016 at 11:14PM by imnotgoodatthispart

I sleep better naked

Why can't this flight attendant understand that?



Submitted November 25, 2016 at 08:59PM by nicely-nicely

Why is the oval office oval shaped?

Because the government cuts corners.



Submitted November 25, 2016 at 06:53PM by Stygg

The room is 15$ a night.

Innkeeper: The room is $15 a night. It's $5 if you make your own bed.

Guest: I'll make my own bed.

Innkeeper: Good. I'll get you some nails and wood.



Submitted November 25, 2016 at 04:28PM by mercified_rahul

Three sisters, ages 92, 94, and 96, live in a house together

One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts one foot in a pauses. She yells down the stairs, “Was I getting in or out of the bath?” The 94-year-old yells back, “I don’t know. I’ll come up and see.” She starts up the stairs and pauses. Then she yells out, “Was I going up the stairs or down?” The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea and listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, “I sure hope I never get that forgetful.” She knocks on wood for good measure. She then replies,“I’ll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who’s at the door.”



Submitted November 25, 2016 at 01:14PM by Badmirputin

A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.

How dairy!



Submitted November 25, 2016 at 09:14PM by redditjwh

Success is like pregnancy...

Everyone congratulates you but nobody knows how many times you got fucked to achieve it.



Submitted November 25, 2016 at 06:34PM by ciscokidx

I may be a square

But that just means I'm 4x as edgy



Submitted November 25, 2016 at 08:18PM by 2g_foodie

Where does Aqua Man keep his automobile?

In the car pool.



Submitted November 25, 2016 at 06:46PM by elmaninho

It's really not surprising that there's violence during Black Friday, considering many companies have ads that say, "Beat the Crowds..."

No text found

Submitted November 25, 2016 at 06:20PM by damacu

What does a thesaurus eat for breakfast?

A synonym roll.



Submitted November 25, 2016 at 06:22PM by Just_a_Sloth_Here

I've been told I'm condescending.

(That means I talk down to people.)



Submitted November 25, 2016 at 02:48PM by DemonDuJour

An Olympic gymnast walked into a bar...

She didn’t get a medal...



Submitted November 25, 2016 at 07:02PM by madazzahatter

What does a thesaurus eat for breakfast?

A synonym roll.



Submitted November 25, 2016 at 06:23PM by Just_a_Sloth_Here

“I used to have a job at a calendar factory but I got the sack because I took a couple of days off.”

No text found

Submitted November 25, 2016 at 06:45PM by TheSupraDixk

A steak pun is a rare medium well done.

No text found

Submitted November 25, 2016 at 06:52PM by TheSupraDixk

Going through clothing at work.

A customer was interested in a jacket that was on clearance. It was missing its tag, and was the last of its kind. My coworker did some digging and found the model name. A while later, I asked him about the jacket

Me: So this jacket is called the Countdown?

Coworker: Yeah

Me: And this is the last one?

Coworker: Yeah

Me: Oh, so this is the Final Countdown!

My coworker groaned loudly and slapped his face with the palm of his hand.



Submitted November 25, 2016 at 05:13PM by avisser

My car is very ambitious.

It has lots of drive.



Submitted November 25, 2016 at 02:31PM by ScottyUrb

Why is the shower the best place to hide a fake turd?

Because where else would you find shampoo!



Submitted November 25, 2016 at 04:46PM by 4tehkek

Bush, Obama and Trump go to a job interview with God...

God asks Bush: "What do you believe in?"
Bush answers: "I believe in the free market, and the strong American nation!"
"Very well", says God. "Come sit to my right."

Next, God asks Obama: "What do you believe in?"
Obama answers: "I believe in the power of democracy, and equal rights for all."
"Good", says God. "You shall sit to my left."

Finally, God asks Trump: "What do you believe in?"

Trump answers: "I believe you're sitting in my chair."



Submitted November 25, 2016 at 01:27PM by RifRifRif

What do you call really awesome chapstick?

The balm.

Edit: My wife's response:

"God you're such a dork."



Submitted November 25, 2016 at 03:00PM by MattAU05

If you farted whilst installing the new MAC OS, would you then need windows?

No text found

Submitted November 25, 2016 at 02:33PM by karmaniak

Did you hear about that terrible new drug that turns people into nuns?

It's habit-forming.



Submitted November 25, 2016 at 02:48PM by Novawurmson

What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo?

One's reaaaalllllyyyy heavy, and the other one's a little lighter.



Submitted November 25, 2016 at 01:56PM by Sed1458