Monday, October 31, 2016

My dad had a bad stroke

He would never golf again.



Submitted November 01, 2016 at 12:52AM by thedeadlinger

What do you call someone who collects ghost novels?

A boo-keeper



Submitted November 01, 2016 at 01:42AM by TheFifthStep

How many vampires does it take to screw in a light bulb?

It depends if you Count Dracula.



Submitted October 31, 2016 at 10:24PM by IncogCato

Son: "The puppy's chewing on a hairbrush!"

Me: "He's just brushing his teeth."
Entire family: GROAN.



Submitted October 31, 2016 at 07:07PM by rabidmilkman

Where do crows go to drink?

A crowbar.



Submitted November 01, 2016 at 12:14AM by TheRtHonLaqueesha

Book, you look so much thinner!

I know! I had my appendix removed!



Submitted October 31, 2016 at 11:18PM by madazzahatter

My girlfriend was looking at apartments on her phone...

she finds one that she likes and says "look this one comes with a free gym" to which I respond "Do you have to provide him with a bed and food?" Silence. Glares and silence.



Submitted October 31, 2016 at 09:30PM by j21martin

I can't wait for my wife to be pregnant.

At that point, I'm just always going to talk about the child in her.



Submitted October 31, 2016 at 09:33PM by micronerd01

Every single time - without fail - that we drive past a cemetery, my dad proclaims:

"People are dying to get in there!"



Submitted October 31, 2016 at 06:01PM by yoofygoofy

Remember, while you're taking photos of all the costumes tonight, be sure to keep your camera in...

... hocus focus.



Submitted October 31, 2016 at 08:06PM by the_candidate

Looks like October is...

Octover



Submitted October 31, 2016 at 05:32PM by onrv

Having gay parents must be horrible ...

... you either get twice as much of dad jokes or get stuck in an infinite loop of "go ask your mom"



Submitted October 31, 2016 at 02:15PM by Majashi

What do you call a woman with one leg longer than the other?

Eileen



Submitted October 31, 2016 at 03:15PM by sphinctaltickle

Last minute costume idea, for the dad who wants to get the groans.

Wear beach cloths and draw sin/cos plots over your body. Congratulations, you are "showing off your tan lines"



Submitted October 31, 2016 at 02:27PM by stubborn_man

Husband : Why are there broken condoms on our couch???

Wife : would you please call our children by their real names?



Submitted October 31, 2016 at 11:09AM by The_devils_advocate6

My dad just said this to my younger sister...

Sis: "Ahhh what should I be for Halloween? Family? Any ideas? What should I go as?"
Dad: "Honey, haven't I told you already to always be yourself?"
This was followed by groans and facepalms at the dinner table, though my mom thoroughly enjoyed the joke. Wp dad, wp.



Submitted October 31, 2016 at 02:20PM by DoubleSquare

Last minute costume idea for the true dad in all of us.

Wear a grey shirt and hold two items in your hands comparing weights. Congratulations you are now a greyscale.



Submitted October 31, 2016 at 02:06PM by stubborn_man

A politician is walking down the street when he is suddenly attacked.

The assailant says "give me all your money." The politician says "do you know who I am? I'm an important government official." The mugger says, "fine, give me all my money."



Submitted October 31, 2016 at 10:43AM by Mister-builder

Mountains aren't just funny

They are HILL-arious



Submitted October 31, 2016 at 12:45PM by GetSpiffed

This is why you shouldn't tell Dad jokes until AFTER you're a father



Submitted October 31, 2016 at 12:32PM by alectheasian

There's a beautiful blonde woman on the beach, no arms no legs...

A man walks passed her and she says, "Excuse me, could you please hug me? I've never been hugged before." The man, feeling bad for her, picks the lady up, hugs her, and puts her back down and goes on with his day.

Later that day, a second man walks passed her and she says, "Excuse me, I've never been kissed before, would you please kiss me?" So the man, similar to the last, picks her up, kisses her, puts her back down, and continues on with his day.

Later on, a third man walks passed her and she says "Excuse me, I've never been fucked before, would you please fuck me?" So the man picks the lady up, throws her into the ocean and says, "Well, you're fucked now."



Submitted October 31, 2016 at 07:58AM by ddusty51

Amanda, don't you mean...

Context: My mother's name is Amanda

My and my parents are sitting in the kitchen, getting ready for dinner.

My Mom asks me to grab something from downstairs.

Me: uh, you're so demanding /s.

Dad: Don't you mean demanda.



Submitted October 31, 2016 at 08:44AM by Dairfey

Who wrote the Harry Potter parody?

JK Lolling

My wife groaned, my son laughed and covered his face. Seems like a success to me.



Submitted October 31, 2016 at 09:32AM by Chewie-bacca

Look at how many little trees he has!

Driving down the highway today and my fiancee says "Look at how many little trees he has on his mirror!" (referring to the air freshener trees, of which he had at least 30)

I hit her with "Well he is driving a Forester."

Edit: autocorrect correcting nouns.



Submitted October 31, 2016 at 11:02AM by 4lteredBeast

How do you know that an introvert likes you?

He looks at your shoes instead of his.



Submitted October 31, 2016 at 07:04AM by Gambarim

One day I'll pretend to be gay. I'll make lots of female friends, gain their trust. Become their confidant, and when they least expected...BAAM!!!

I'll fuck their boyfriends



Submitted October 31, 2016 at 09:50AM by awanji

Futurama



Submitted October 09, 2016 at 03:08AM by Alfie_13

My mom dadjoked dad

I asked my dad what's the hardest part about being a lefty? Mom immediately exclaims: "HE'S NEVER RIGHT!"



Submitted October 16, 2016 at 05:54AM by germaly

I got a letter saying I had to pay an overdue exorcist bill.

They said if I didn't, my house would be repossessed.



Submitted October 12, 2016 at 07:58AM by Onegodoneloveoneway

I'm half Irish and half Jewish, so...

I'm drinking if you're buying



Submitted October 06, 2016 at 09:55AM by touchrubfeels

I was watching Zootopia on netflix with my girlfriend over the weekend...

I'm watching it with her, and halfway through the movie something clicks in my head.

Me: "Holy shit I just got it,this is a bunny cop movie"

GF: ......

ME:" instead of a buddy cop movie"

And then she proceeded to beat me



Submitted October 03, 2016 at 09:43AM by Totallynottimturner

Is Google Assistant a dad?



Submitted October 20, 2016 at 02:59PM by GiveMeBackMySon

I've been torturing my daughter with jokes for weeks now

http://ift.tt/2dhmmrm

Got some of them from here



Submitted October 14, 2016 at 12:47PM by geoffevans

A couple are getting ready for a Halloween party.

The wife walks out with only a lemon hanging over her snatch. The husband takes one look and storms off to the kitchen and return with a potato on his dong. The wife says "what the hell" and the husband replies "well shit, if you're going as a sour puss then I'm going as a dictator"



Submitted October 31, 2016 at 05:45AM by MilkRubble

A mugger jumps out in front of a university student...

...and shouts "your money or your life!"

The student keeps walking, and says "Sorry mate, I'm a Computer Science student. I don't have either".



Submitted October 31, 2016 at 07:42AM by robalobagus

I bought my girlfriend a fridge for our anniversary...

I know it wasn't a great gift, but I loved seeing her face light up when she opened it.



Submitted October 31, 2016 at 07:19AM by Childflayer

I think I'm failing my marine biology class

My grade is below C level.



Submitted October 31, 2016 at 06:07AM by 90snickeldeon

My gf told me to stop being childish, she just wants to come in for a talk

not my fault she cant remember the password to my pillow fortress



Submitted October 30, 2016 at 06:40PM by afaylenesky

Happy Halloween! What's a zombie's favorite form of transportation?

Traaaiiiiiiinnnnns!



Submitted October 31, 2016 at 07:17AM by GrayingMantis

For Halloween I'm dressing up as a plate.

Girls love to do dishes.



Submitted October 31, 2016 at 04:10AM by BookerGinger

How man nihilists does it take to change a light bulb?

It doesn't matter.



Submitted October 30, 2016 at 09:36PM by JagoKestral

How do you make holy water?

You boil the hell out of it.



Submitted October 31, 2016 at 03:27AM by CherokeePurple

Sunday, October 30, 2016

For my next magic trick, I'm going to saw my fraternity brother in half!

A-bro-cadaver!!



Submitted October 30, 2016 at 11:16PM by redditurded

I'm terrified of elevators

I take steps to avoid them



Submitted October 30, 2016 at 08:35PM by babyrobotman

My buddy is a math teacher, and says for Halloween he is dressing up as a tree...

When his students ask him what he is, he's going to say, "Gee, I'm a tree." (Geometry)



Submitted October 30, 2016 at 10:22PM by LDM312

Have you heard that new song called 'constipation'?

Of course you haven't, it hasn't come out yet!



Submitted October 30, 2016 at 09:13PM by Ray-Bandy

Grate, now what am I supposed to do?

Grate, now what am I supposed to do?

(Happened when I was trying to prepare a grilled cheese for my daughter's lunch)



Submitted October 30, 2016 at 10:40PM by iugrad

Why do chicken coops have two doors?

If there were four it would be a chicken sedan.



Submitted October 30, 2016 at 09:26PM by giraffterparty

What did the bra say to the hat?

I'll hold these two up, you go on ahead.

My friends 90 something year old grandmother got her with this today.



Submitted October 30, 2016 at 09:57PM by Scooter90

At the grocery store, I went to the checkout line with the cute cashier...

I started unloading my groceries onto the belt.

Package of Ramen noodles. Quart of milk. Half a dozen eggs. A couple of frozen dinners.

As she is scanning the items, she looks up and smiles, "so, you're single, huh?"

I look at my groceries and smile back. "Yeah, ha, what gave it away?"

"Because you're fucking ugly."



Submitted October 30, 2016 at 09:20PM by vbh126

Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump go into a bakery...

As soon as they enter the bakery, Hillary steals three pastries and puts them in her pocket.

She says to Donald, "See how clever I am? The owner didn't see anything and I don't even need to lie.” I will definitely win the election.

The Donald says to Hillary, "That's the typical dishonesty you have displayed throughout your entire life, trickery and deceit. I am going to show you an honest way to get the same result."

Donald goes to the owner of the bakery and says, "Give me a pastry and I will show you a magic trick." Intrigued, the owner accepts and gives him a pastry. Trump swallows it and asks for another one. The owner gives him another one. Then Donald asks for a third pastry and eats that, too.

The owner is starting to wonder where the magic trick is and asks, "What did you do with the pastries?" Trump replies, "Look in Hillary's pocket".



Submitted October 30, 2016 at 07:31PM by kim_song_chol

What math classes do gender studies majors take?

Triggernometry



Submitted October 30, 2016 at 06:47PM by WhoDatNoy

Did you hear about the prince who got trapped in a giant balloon?

They had to pop it to let the heir out.



Submitted October 30, 2016 at 08:44PM by ShoePolice

My sister melted her gym shorts

A few years ago my sister decided to iron her gym shorts without knowing that the fabric would melt under the heat of the iron, burning a massive hole in them. She texted our dad to let him know she'd set her shorts on fire.

His reply: 'good lord, how fast were you running?'

Still makes me laugh to this day.



Submitted October 30, 2016 at 08:58PM by alcarru

Dad joke halloween costume



Submitted October 30, 2016 at 07:01PM by Bails6923

How many South Americans does it take to change a lightbulb?

A Brazilian....

I'll get my coat...



Submitted October 30, 2016 at 07:01PM by flankie2

A married couple went to he hospital to have their baby delivered

Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labour pain to the father.

He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favour of it. The doctor set the pain transfer dial to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.

But as the labour progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine.

The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%.

The husband continued to feel quite well. Since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.

The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain.

She and her husband were ecstatic.

When they got home, the mailman was lying dead on their porch.



Submitted October 30, 2016 at 02:55PM by ethangamer12

A man got a text from his neighbor: "I'm so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess.

I've been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, more than you. I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again."

The man anguished and betrayed, went into his room, grabbed his gun and without a word, shot his wife.

A couple of seconds later, another text arrived. 'Fucking auto correct, I meant "wifi", not "wife"'



Submitted October 30, 2016 at 03:00PM by offensivehumor

Making breakfast for my nephews...

"I've got some frozen waffles, do you guys like them?"

Yes

"Well you should try them toasted, they're even better warm!"

groans



Submitted October 30, 2016 at 05:45PM by howwardsternspenis

fresh from the garden...



Submitted October 30, 2016 at 04:41PM by Lerpee

Why did the scarecrow keep getting promoted?

Because he was outstanding in his field.



Submitted October 30, 2016 at 04:46PM by itim__office

What concert only costs 45 cents?

50 cent featuring Nickleback



Submitted October 30, 2016 at 03:55PM by X-pertNinja

I once knew a bald man who had tattoos of rabbits on his scalp.

He must have thought they were hares.



Submitted October 30, 2016 at 03:47PM by -INSERTLIFEHERE-

How do you fit a grizzly 5 feet wide into a door 4 feet wide?

just bear-ly..... r/funny told me this belongs here.



Submitted October 30, 2016 at 12:46PM by dreslin

Does scooby dooby?

Scooby dooby do!



Submitted October 30, 2016 at 01:05PM by Flumnum

A Native American asked his father...

"How do we get our names?" "Well, when your sister was born we saw a wild deer running by, so we named her Running Deer," said his father. "Okay," said the son. "And when your brother was born we saw an eagle flying high above, so we named him Flying Eagle," said the father. "Okay I think I understand," said the son. The father then asked, "Why do you ask Shitting Dog?"



Submitted October 30, 2016 at 01:14PM by Im_Ready_Depression

Citizen Kane is considered one of the greatest movies of all time largely for it's cinematography. One scene in particular is famous for it's "floor shot" for which they had to literally dig a pit in the middle of the stage to acheive the correct perspective.

It was groundbreaking.



Submitted October 30, 2016 at 01:03PM by BottleSSBM

When I was growing up plastic surgery was a bit of a taboo subject..

These days if you mention botox no one raises an eyebrow.



Submitted October 30, 2016 at 01:04PM by kaipremee

A thousand years is a minute to God

A man was speaking to God and he asked him, "God is it true that to you a thousand years is a minute?" "That's true," God replied. "And is it true that to you $1,000,000 is like a penny?" "That's true," God said. "Well, you see I'm a poor man and I was wondering if you could give me a penny," asked the man. "Sure," said God, "in a minute."



Submitted October 30, 2016 at 10:08AM by cashlemke

"Daddy," a little girl asked her father, "do all fairy tales begin with 'Once upon a time'? "

"No, sweetheart," he answered. "Some begin with 'If I am elected.'"



Submitted October 30, 2016 at 11:18AM by Karpukoly

"I hate tacos"...

Said no Juan ever



Submitted October 30, 2016 at 09:33AM by cogenix

What did they call the dynamic duo after getting run over by a steamroller?

Flatman and Ribbon



Submitted October 30, 2016 at 10:30AM by Daddycool303

What's brown and rhymes with Snoop?

Dr. Dre



Submitted October 30, 2016 at 11:01AM by Alaska_Roy

A woman goes for a facelift

A woman in her 40's went to a plastic surgeon for a face-lift. The surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The Knob," where a small knob is placed on the back of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new face lift.

Of course, the woman wanted "The Knob." Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob and the effects were wonderful. The woman remained young looking and vibrant.

After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems. "All of these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems: "First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them." The doctor looked at her closely and said, "Those aren't bags, those are your breasts." She sighed and said, "Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee...."



Submitted October 30, 2016 at 09:53AM by Whiskey_simple

My wife recommended I do some light reading to relax at the end of the day...

Not really relaxing, as my eyes are in pain, but I managed to make out, "60 Watts - Made in China."



Submitted October 30, 2016 at 08:19AM by madazzahatter

An atom loses an electron...

It says, "man, I really gotta keep an ion them."



Submitted October 30, 2016 at 09:30AM by cogenix

My son was dared to eat moldy bread

He ate the whole thing! Man, He's such a fungi



Submitted October 30, 2016 at 09:19AM by Your_Smiling

I was sitting on the edge of the bed, pulling my boxers off when...

...my wife said, "You spoil those dogs."



Submitted October 30, 2016 at 07:15AM by madazzahatter

When I was growing up plastic surgery was a bit of a taboo subject...

These days if you mention Botox no one raises an eyebrow.



Submitted October 30, 2016 at 06:56AM by mab6710

There was a king with a beautiful virgin daughter

The king ruled a wealthy and massive kingdom, but he was obsessed with keeping his daughter a virgin. He had a device planted into her vagina that would chop off anything inserted into it.

He then called in his 3 best knights and told them that he would be off on a trip and that they would be protecting the princess. He warned them not to touch her.

When he returned, he called the 3 knights in.

He told the first knight to drop his pants. He did so, and his penis was gone. The king ordered him executed.

He then told the second knight to drop his pants. He did so, and his penis was gone. The king ordered him executed.

He finally told the third knight to drop his pants. He did so, and his penis was in place!

The king said, "Good knight, you have proven yourself to be loyal and true! Name your reward and it shall be granted!"

The knight said: "Eywanmytonbac!"



Submitted October 30, 2016 at 04:17AM by _Boba_Fett

Whats the difference between american women and middle eastern women?

American women get stoned before they commit adultery..



Submitted October 30, 2016 at 06:04AM by TheFooPilot

What does China have that is so contagious?

The Chinese Yuan



Submitted October 30, 2016 at 07:51AM by Formally_Nightman

When I get a dog, I am going to name him Franz Ferdinand

So I can take him out (I tried)



Submitted October 30, 2016 at 05:14AM by AHugeMelon

What is heavy forwards and not backwards?

ton



Submitted October 29, 2016 at 11:40PM by sweer_potatoe

Saturday, October 29, 2016

What did the suicide bomber instructor say to his class?

Now pay attention class, I'm only going to do this once.



Submitted October 29, 2016 at 05:33PM by Prometheus1776

"Why don't you become a doctor?"

"I don't have the patients..."



Submitted October 29, 2016 at 06:24PM by giraffterparty

My dad is a Star Wars fan and my parents are in couples therapy over it.

Therapist: So why do you want to end your marriage?

Mom: I'm sick of all of the Star Wars puns.

Dad: Divorce is strong with this one.



Submitted October 29, 2016 at 11:45PM by Zax1989

What do you call someone who points out the obvious?

Someone who points out the obvious.



Submitted October 29, 2016 at 11:32PM by itim__office

This chocolate dessert tastes awful.

It's off-pudding.



Submitted October 29, 2016 at 08:42PM by ScottyUrb

I'm a compulsive liar.

I was just kidding.



Submitted October 29, 2016 at 08:52PM by RememberWho

Asked my son what math he's been doing in school...

...he said "anti-logs."

I said, "Well I'm prologue myself, but then I've always been foreword-thinking."



Submitted October 29, 2016 at 09:27PM by romancandle

I bought a pair of shoes from a drug dealer..

I don't know what he laced them with but I have been tripping all day



Submitted October 29, 2016 at 10:08PM by Daddycool303

My daughter texted earlier and asked what kind of food I buy Orion (My pupper).

I sent back

"Dog"



Submitted October 29, 2016 at 06:19PM by Phredex

When did you hurt your back?

"Oh, about a week back.."



Submitted October 29, 2016 at 06:38PM by giraffterparty

What do you call a burial chamber full of Moose?

Moosoleum.



Submitted October 29, 2016 at 06:19PM by MustDestroyAll

A man was nervously waiting for a job interview when the receptionist warned him about the boss...

A man was nervously waiting for a job interview when the receptionist warned him about the boss. "Before you go in for your interview," she said, "just be aware that he doesn't have any ears and he's super sensitive about it. Whatever you do, don't draw any attention to it."

"Oh, ok thanks!" said the man.

When he went in for the interview the man with no ears looks at him and said, "do you notice anything about me?"

Stunned at how odd the man looked without ears, he could not help but to say, "wow you don't have ears."

"GET OUT!" the boss screamed.

Another man came in and the receptionist gave him the same warning. "Whatever you do, don't bring up his ears."

"Got it!" said the second man confidently.

He was trying not to stare at the boss' head when the boss said, "you notice something about me?"

Not able to hold it in, "Yeah you don't have any ears that just so weird!"

"GET OUT!" the boss screamed.

A third man came and and the receptionist dutifully gave him the same warning. "Whatever you do, just don't bring any attention to the fact that the boss doesn't have ears."

"No problem," he said.

When the third man met the boss, he looked strangely at him. The boss said, "do you notice anything about me?"

"Yeah, you wear contact lenses." the man confidently replied.

"Wow that's amazing! How did you know that?" said the boss bewildered.

"Well you have to, glasses would fall right off your face because you have no ears."



Submitted October 29, 2016 at 05:25PM by weaksquare

I'd like to thank my boyfriend for translating "mucho" for me

It means a lot



Submitted October 29, 2016 at 04:17PM by schmooby

The doctor gave me 4 months to live.

So I shot him. The judge gave me 20 years. Problem solved.



Submitted October 29, 2016 at 05:27PM by chooseausername9294

Little April was not the best student in Sunday school...

Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?" When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep. A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. "JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT F*****G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!" The Teacher fainted.



Submitted October 29, 2016 at 04:04PM by Victator2113

Don't you just hate it when you can't go to someone's funeral

Because that person is still alive?



Submitted October 29, 2016 at 10:00AM by KurosawaShirou

Good jokes are like pizza.

This is not a pizza.



Submitted October 29, 2016 at 12:26PM by tiltedlens

My step-dad ordered a case of wine with a release date.

Yes, apparently this is a thing. It's called Beaujolais Nouveau.

So they'll deliver it in time for release, he had to sign an document to swear that he wouldn't open it before the official date, and insists he won't open it early "in case they find out".

"They'll never know though," I said, "unless they hear it through the grapevine."



Submitted October 29, 2016 at 02:09PM by mr_bez

What did the Italian scientist say to his fragrant lab assistant?

"Hey, Eureka!"



Submitted October 29, 2016 at 03:54PM by Not_Well_Prepared

At first he thought it was steam, but it was really just...

a mist understanding.



Submitted October 29, 2016 at 02:13PM by thedarkparadox

What does a one eyed pumpkin wear?

A pumpkin patch.



Submitted October 29, 2016 at 02:54PM by Synergy_synner

I painted my computer black last night

Now it runs much faster



Submitted October 29, 2016 at 11:47AM by ChadHimslef

Why aren't there Walmarts in Afghanistan?

Because there are Targets on every corner.



Submitted October 29, 2016 at 11:44AM by depressivemoron86

A man notices a TV for sale.

"Hey, how much is this TV?"

The salesman replies "1 dollar."

"Only a dollar? Why so cheap?"

The salesman tells him "the sound is stuck on the highest volume."

"So it's always on the highest volume? And it's only one dollar?"

"Yup."

"Wow, can't turn that down."



Submitted October 29, 2016 at 12:18PM by ModCrapper

Why did the dinosaur cross the road?

Because the chicken didn't exist.



Submitted October 29, 2016 at 03:06PM by IGotWorms23

(OLD) Why did the chicken cross the road?

To get to the other side!



Submitted October 29, 2016 at 02:15PM by tankguy41

Donald Trump and Hilary Clinton are running for president...

the end.



Submitted October 29, 2016 at 01:48PM by dezcaughtit333

Two sisters are trick-or-treating

The older one walks up to a house, rings the doorbell, smiles and says "trick or treat!". Her bowl is filled with candy and she leaves.

The younger sister has been lagging behind on her small legs the whole night. She goes up to the door, smiles, and says "trick or treat", only to get sprayed in the face by

catch up.



Submitted October 29, 2016 at 01:47PM by MrYoshicom

What do you get if there's an explosion in your kitchen?

Linoleum BlownApart



Submitted October 29, 2016 at 01:35PM by itim__office

My girlfriend said we should experiment more in the bedroom

This morning we synthesised a new protein chain



Submitted October 29, 2016 at 10:29AM by ohvienna

I just got one of those workout watches

apparently i've masturbated 5.8 miles today



Submitted October 29, 2016 at 04:55AM by EVERYBODY_IS_HIGH

I need to tell you something, and I'll be frank

And you can be steve.



Submitted October 29, 2016 at 11:10AM by klanny

What did the man say after he realized he got change after buying stuff?

It all makes cents now!



Submitted October 29, 2016 at 12:10AM by jeesuscheesus

Three action movie stars are sitting in a bar

So, Sylvester Stallone, Chuck Norris and Arnold Schwarzenegger are sitting in a bar, and Sylvester Stallone is like: "Guys, we should make a movie with the three of us, but I'm all out of ideas at the moment, I'm kind of bored with the standard action flicks."

Chuck says: "Don't you have any ideas?"

"Yeah, this may sound silly, but I was actually thinking about doing a movie on great classical composers"

That's when Arnold trows himself in the conversation and says: "That sounds like a great idea! Sylvester, you can be Mozart, and Chuck can be Beethoven!"

"And who will you be, Arnold?"

"I'll be Bach."



Submitted October 29, 2016 at 08:03AM by WoeBoeT

A woman was having a shower

when the door-bell rang.

"It's the blind man" he called.

That's ok, she thought so she quickly ran downstairs naked to open the door.

"Nice tits" he said. "Now, where do you want those blinds?"



Submitted October 29, 2016 at 06:52AM by daddylonglegs74

What does "IDK" mean?

I keep asking people, but they don't know either.



Submitted October 29, 2016 at 06:20AM by madazzahatter

Failed my biology test today...

...They asked, "What is commonly found in cells?"

Apparently "black people" wasn't the correct answer.



Submitted October 28, 2016 at 06:06PM by hdelmonte

$100 Bill

A: Why are you late? B: There was a man who lost a hundred dollar bill. A: That's nice. Were you helping him look for it? B: No, I was standing on it



Submitted October 29, 2016 at 05:38AM by HackoNpk

I'm dying call me an ambulance

Hi dying you're an ambulance



Submitted October 29, 2016 at 04:05AM by kennylamar910

My girlfriend said that I should use the term 'make love' instead of 'fuck.'

What the make love is she talking about?



Submitted October 28, 2016 at 04:09PM by Yourregularredditor

Friday, October 28, 2016

Saftey Chicken

Good one from my dad when I was a kid: When my sisters and I would get in our seats in the car, my dad, without fail, would turn around and say, "Remember what the safety chicken says!" And, in a chicken chirp voice, he'd say, "Bucklup! Bucklup!"



Submitted October 28, 2016 at 10:11PM by timothyek

My autistic cousin came to visit

When I was young, my autistic 10 year old cousin would constatly visit us, and I hated him because he was a brat. However, since his parents were extremely protective and thought of him as a little prince, they wanted to make me give him my "Up" DVD, because he really likes it.

When they left, I immediately told him I was not going to give him the DVD, but him being the autist he is, he starts bothering me about it every couple of seconds, but luckily, quiets down before dinner.

He asked for it once more while we were having lunch, and when I responded negatively again, he took his plate and ran into my treehouse. His parents make me go check on him.

Little did he know, you were able to remove the treehouse ladder, and since I was 12 at the time, I removed them and went to go get icecream in the house. I'm forced to ask him if he wants some, but when I leave the house, he's there and he thinks he's controlling me because I came to see him twice already, so he tells me to run around like a chicken. I tell him about the ice cream and how he isn't getting any, and he starts crying and screaming at me to let him get back down. I tell him: "Never gonna give you "Up", never gonna let you down, never gonna run around and dessert you."



Submitted October 28, 2016 at 05:06PM by lunatic_cultist

My brother wanted to play cowboys and indians

So I put on a ten gallon hat and and chaps and he went to MIT and graduated in computer science.



Submitted October 28, 2016 at 06:16PM by ohvienna

Why do ghosts hang out at bars?

Because they like booze.



Submitted October 28, 2016 at 08:37PM by ScottyUrb

Suicide Attempt

A Texan looked up at the top of a tall building and discovered a man ready to jump off and end his life.

"Stop," he yelled, "Remember you're someone who has value!"

The man yelled back, "I just lost everything of value in the stock market!"

"But remember you're important to your wife," yelled the Texan.

"She divorced me, the whore."

"Your children! Remember your children," yelled the Texan.

"They never call," said the man.

"Then your parents. Remember your parents," yelled the Texan.

"Dead as doornails," said the man.

"Then 'Remember the Alamo'!" yelled the Texan.

"What's the Alamo?" inquired the man.

And the Texan replied: "Jump, you Yankee son of a bitch!"



Submitted October 28, 2016 at 04:06PM by RyGuyTheGingerGuy

Why did the blind woman fall into the well?

Because she couldn't see that well.



Submitted October 28, 2016 at 03:05PM by waynerooney501

Today I was asked to go out, by 20 girls...

I was in the women's bathroom.



Submitted October 28, 2016 at 04:00PM by TELL_ME_YOUR_WISHES

I can't find a joke I read here yesterday...

Now I have to wait all day to see it posted again :(



Submitted October 28, 2016 at 01:58PM by PM_ME_coded_msgs

Canadian money

The Royal Canadian Mint has just announced they are going to remove the polar bear from the "Toonie" (two dollars) in view of its demise soon with global warming.

In the height of political correctness they will replace it with two gay deer. Instead of calling it a "toonie," it will now be called "two fucking bucks"



Submitted October 28, 2016 at 12:37PM by AGuyNamedGreg

Oldie but goodie

Why can't ghosts have babies? Because they have Hallow weenies



Submitted October 28, 2016 at 02:36PM by michaelkane911

My friend was called fat today.

I told him "It'll be okay, just keep your chins up".



Submitted October 28, 2016 at 11:10AM by PeaceHoesAnCamelToes

A cannibal showed up late to the luncheon

His friends gave him the cold shoulder.



Submitted October 28, 2016 at 08:53AM by cogenix

Dubai doesn't have a Flintstones land

But Abidabi do!



Submitted October 28, 2016 at 02:26PM by TehHonyBajer

where is the bathroom for I.T people located?

At the I Pee Address



Submitted October 28, 2016 at 01:51PM by Twigsnapper

Got a new roommate. She cleans my room, I clean hers.

We are maid for each other.



Submitted October 28, 2016 at 10:00AM by daidalos5

How can you tell an ant's gender?

  1. Get a glass full of water
  2. Throw the ant into the glass
  3. If it sinks, it's girl ant
  4. If it floats, it's boy ant


Submitted October 28, 2016 at 10:29AM by terranghost0703

I had an idea for a movie plot where a retired cia agent searches for his kidnapped daughter in paris.

Turns out that idea was Taken



Submitted October 28, 2016 at 01:53PM by Twigsnapper

What is a Chinese cooks favourite Foo Fighters song?

Learn to Fry



Submitted October 28, 2016 at 12:15PM by freddie_mercx

My optometrist had my pupils dilated today

It was an eye-opening experience.



Submitted October 28, 2016 at 12:19PM by king_england

My S.O. said "You did me up right" after sex...

She's southern, so tends to have folksy phrases like this.

Afterwards, I automatically responded with "No, we were laying down"

That joke didn't perform well, but at least my sex did.



Submitted October 28, 2016 at 12:13PM by sum_buddy

It was the first day of a school in USA and a new Indian student named Chandrasekhar Subramanian entered the fourth grade...

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History. Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death'?"

She saw a sea of blank faces except for Chandrasekhar, who had his hand up: 'Patrick Henry, 1775,' he said.

'Very good! Who said 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?''

Again, no response except from Chandrasekhar. 'Abraham Lincoln, 1863' said Chandrasekhar.

The teacher snapped at the class, 'Class, you should be ashamed. Chandrasekhar, who is new to our country, knows more about our history than you do.'

She heard a loud whisper: 'F ___ the Indians'

'Who said that?' she demanded. Chandrasekhar put his hand up. 'General Custer, 1862.'

At that point, a student in the back said, 'I'm gonna puke.'

The teacher glares around and asks 'All right! Now, who said that?' Again, Chandrasekhar says, 'George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.'

Now furious, another student yells, 'Oh yeah? Suck this!' Chandrasekhar jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, 'Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997.'

Now with almost mob hysteria someone said 'You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you.' Chandrasekhar frantically yells at the top of his voice, 'Michael Jackson to the child witnesses testifying against him, 2004.'

The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, 'Oh shit, we're screwed!' And Chandrasekhar said quietly, 'I think it was Lehmann Brothers, November 4th, 2008'....



Submitted October 28, 2016 at 09:30AM by Chansailpk

What do you call a video game gorilla who shrinks by 50% each day?

Exponential DK



Submitted October 28, 2016 at 11:57AM by ii_akinae_ii

What do you call a cow with a twitch?

Beef jerky



Submitted October 28, 2016 at 11:44AM by haboku_

What's the scariest California Beach town?

Mali BOO!

Happy Halloween Weekend



Submitted October 28, 2016 at 08:39AM by GatorRich

What does purple taste like?

A girl I've been seeing just died her hair purple. As we were cuddling and stuff last night and I got a bit of her hair in my mouth. I spit it out and said, "ew it tastes like purple." She asked what purple tastes like. I said, "kind of like red and blue mixed together." She immediately tried to leave.



Submitted October 28, 2016 at 10:53AM by jswa8

Congratulations West Ham

The only club named after two things that ISIS hate.



Submitted October 28, 2016 at 07:33AM by Dr_AwkwardDuh

My door was unable to open

I couldn't handle the situation



Submitted October 28, 2016 at 07:05AM by Salmonduck

Some people think it's funny when your nose is wet and runny.

But it's snot.



Submitted October 28, 2016 at 08:26AM by Deeperpow

A vampire goes to his dentist

The dentist asks the vampire what's wrong, and the vampire replied,

"My teeth suck."



Submitted October 28, 2016 at 08:16AM by Scoot_Ya_Boot

I thought my son would like that I bought him a trampoline, but oh no.

He just wants to sit and cry in his wheelchair.



Submitted October 28, 2016 at 05:25AM by thegypsyslayer

Why did the console peasant cross the road?

To render the buildings on the other side.



Submitted October 27, 2016 at 11:15PM by The1Alexander

My dad's a superhero

He's the invisible man.



Submitted October 27, 2016 at 11:58PM by 371121

A 90-year-old golfer tells his wife that he is quitting the game.

"But why?" asks his wife. "Well, it's my eyesight. I can't see where the ball goes after I hit it". The wife says, "Listen, you can go with my brother Pete. He might be 103 years old but his eyesight is perfect." He agrees and finds himself on the golf course with his brother-in-law. He takes aim and hits a powerful shot that speeds off like a jet. He looks at his brother-in-law and says: "Did you see that Pete?” His brother-in-law says, "Yes, I saw that perfectly.” The golfer says, "Well, where is it then?" Pete responds, "I don't remember."



Submitted October 28, 2016 at 12:10AM by rumblefish65

Why do rock melons need to get married in front of friends and family?

Cantaloupe



Submitted October 28, 2016 at 01:59AM by Onegodoneloveoneway

Why do scuba divers roll backwards out of boats?

Because if they rolled forward they would just go in to the boat!



Submitted October 28, 2016 at 02:41AM by mab6710

On Friday, an elementary school teacher poses her students a challenge....

"If you can tell me who said the following quote, they don't have to come to school on Monday: 'We have nothing to fear, but fear itself'"

A hand shoots up and little Billy Tran says "Franklin Delano Roosevelt".

"Correct, Billy. You can have next Monday off" the teacher replies.

"I'm Vietnamese, we value education I'll be here Monday".

"Ok" says the teacher "Lets try another one: 'Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man's character, give him power.'"

This time the hand of little Susie Hou rises.

"Abraham Lincoln"

"Correct Susie." the teacher asserts "Enjoy your day off"

Susie says "Oh no ma'am. I'm Chinese, we also value education I'll be here early on Monday morning".

"Fucking immigrants!" a voice says from the back.

"Who said that?!" the teacher snaps.

"Donald Trump..." says little Johnny "...I'll see ya Tuesday"



Submitted October 28, 2016 at 01:12AM by fixingvancouver

Thursday, October 27, 2016

A man with drugs was caught by the cops in the bathroom

The man says, "I swear, it's not mine! I found it here and tried to flush it down the toilet, but every time I flush the drugs down it magically reappears in my hand!"

"I don't believe you," says the cop. "Show me."

The man tosses the bag of drugs into the toilet, then flushes it. The bag swishes down. The cop then stares at the man's empty hand as the bag is flushed down.

"Well," says the cop, "where are the drugs now?"

"What drugs?"



Submitted October 27, 2016 at 09:07PM by ScaryPillow

Why does a chicken coup have 2 doors?

If it had 4 doors it would be a chicken sedan.



Submitted October 27, 2016 at 11:36PM by iH8Oscar

How are a grenade and a wife similar?

If you pull the ring off it, the house is gone



Submitted October 27, 2016 at 07:53PM by GnarlyBellyButton87

My grandma caught me masturbating and she had a stroke...

She has such soft hands...



Submitted October 27, 2016 at 06:59PM by TheCraftyPrune

I found out I was color blind today.

The news came right out of the purple.



Submitted October 27, 2016 at 10:46PM by shipmydadsays

What do you call a bad riddle?

Voldemort



Submitted October 27, 2016 at 02:43PM by onetwo3four5

you know why men in movies remove their glasses when checking out a woman's figure?

because hindsight is 20/20



Submitted October 27, 2016 at 11:15PM by Rolock

Why didn't the mexican go Bow hunting?

Because he didn't habanero



Submitted October 27, 2016 at 10:00PM by Twigsnapper

You the bomb.

No, you the bomb.

A compliment in America.

An argument in the Middle East.



Submitted October 27, 2016 at 05:25PM by RonzJava

I buy all my guns from a guy named "T-Rex"

He's a small arms dealer



Submitted October 27, 2016 at 03:20PM by Twigsnapper

My boyfriend is trying pho for the first time

Him: Who likes pho? Me: Me, and hopefully you. Him: You're a pho. Me: uhhh...? Him: A pho.. king-mazing (a-fucking-mazing) Me: face palm



Submitted October 27, 2016 at 09:07PM by xcutiebandit

Religious Boyfriend

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. This being a big event, the girl tells her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and "do it" for the first time. Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never done it before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some protection.

The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about protection and doing it. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many he'd like to buy; a 3-pack, a 10-pack, or a family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be very busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parent's house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in." The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy still deep in prayer with his head down. Ten minutes pass and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to her boyfriend, "I had no idea you were so religious."

The boy turns and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."



Submitted October 27, 2016 at 12:21PM by RyGuyTheGingerGuy

I like my women like I like my computer

Turned on On my lap And virus free



Submitted October 27, 2016 at 02:42PM by MrSubotic

Snoop came out a while ago and tried to claim he was a cat.

Why you lion, Snoop Dogg?



Submitted October 27, 2016 at 07:54PM by Fawskeen

I think I'm pretty good at dips because of my past chewing tobacco addiction.

I was dipping a lot until I quit.



Submitted October 27, 2016 at 06:05PM by mnBandR

What do you call a 5 year old farmer?

A kinder-gardener.



Submitted October 27, 2016 at 06:06PM by p0wd3r

What do you call a fat psychic?

...a four chin teller



Submitted October 27, 2016 at 12:34PM by thevaginalshit

I hate when my foot falls asleep during the day.

Because it's up all night



Submitted October 27, 2016 at 04:54PM by toplesspanda

My 2-year-old was throwing a fit. Dadjoked a friend: "You know what they say about tantrums right? "

They're all the rage right now



Submitted October 27, 2016 at 04:10PM by Greendiddykong

What's dinners favorite fighting move?

The supper cut!



Submitted October 27, 2016 at 02:57PM by dakattack04

I buy all my guns from a guy named "T-Rex"

He's a small arms dealer



Submitted October 27, 2016 at 03:20PM by Twigsnapper

Went to the chiropractor today

When I was checking out I noticed three of the ladies were wearing orange and brown for fall. I say "Well orange you ladies lovely today." They loved it.



Submitted October 27, 2016 at 02:18PM by iphilya

A girl takes a black guy home...

At the end of a night out on the town, a girl takes a black guy back to her house. They're kissing and moving towards her bedroom when she looks at him with the most flirtatious eyes she can muster and says: "Is it true what they say about black guys? ;)" To which the man responded "Of course it is baby.", stabbed her, stole her wallet and left.



Submitted October 27, 2016 at 12:30PM by Triggered_SJW

I *SWEAR* I'm not addicted to brake fluid...

I can stop whenever I want



Submitted October 27, 2016 at 12:08PM by RyGuyTheGingerGuy

Have you heard about the corduroy pillow trend?

It's making headlines



Submitted October 27, 2016 at 01:38PM by ChiefLoud

What'd the fish say when he hit a concrete wall?

Damn.



Submitted October 27, 2016 at 12:43PM by windowlicker1234

My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed.

After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to a lack of evidence.



Submitted October 27, 2016 at 04:29AM by Iocaine_powder

My grandma told me her joints are getting weaker...

...so I told her to roll them tighter.



Submitted October 27, 2016 at 07:25AM by madazzahatter

The doctor said to the patient

We had to remove a part of your rectum

Patient- will I be any different?

Doctor-Just less of an asshole



Submitted October 27, 2016 at 07:47AM by AakSin

I'm supposed to be reading a book in school about the history of glue...

...but I just can't pick it up.



Submitted October 27, 2016 at 12:07PM by RyGuyTheGingerGuy

I like wearing small hoodies,

They are just hard to pull off.



Submitted October 27, 2016 at 11:42AM by Lil_Ninja94

What do you call a group of babies?

an Infantry



Submitted October 27, 2016 at 08:32AM by bboromatt

A woman decided to have a face lift for her birthday...

She spent $5000 and felt really good about the results.

On her way home she stopped at a dress shop to look around. As she was leaving, she said to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 35,"he replied.

"I'm actually 47," the woman said, feeling really happy.

After that she went into McDonald's for lunch and asked the order taker the same question. He replied, "Oh, you look about 29."

"I am actually 47!" she said, feeling really good.

While standing at the bus stop she asked an old man the same question.

He replied, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a woman's age. If I put my hand up your skirt I will be able to tell your exact age."

There was no one around, so the woman said, "What the hell?" and let him slip his hand up her skirt.

After feeling around for a while, the old man said, "OK, You are 47."

Stunned, the woman said, "That was brilliant! How did you do that?"

The old man replied, "I was behind you in line at McDonald's."



Submitted October 27, 2016 at 08:59AM by hdelmonte

Bad cooking and sex

Husband: Your cooking is pretty pathetic despite watching cooking shows on TV.

Wife: You watch Porn but do I complain?



Submitted October 27, 2016 at 01:27AM by zen4ever99

I love eBay!

Sold my homing pigeons 4 times this month.



Submitted October 27, 2016 at 06:16AM by SmileyFace-_-

Hey, you know what the beaver said when he slipped in water?

Damn it

  • Phil Dunphy (Modern Family - Halloween 4: The Revenge of Rod Skyhook)


Submitted October 27, 2016 at 02:17AM by evr487

My son tore a paper ghost decoration.

My wife was going to throw it out but I said we should just write RIP on it



Submitted October 26, 2016 at 11:20PM by 1MoAgain

Did you hear the one about the magic tractor?

It turned into a field.



Submitted October 27, 2016 at 07:50AM by ArseKraken

A man walks into a bar.

A man walks into a bar in Alabama and orders a cosmopolitan. The bartender looks at the man and says,
"You're not from 'round here are ya?"
"No" replies the man, "I'm from New Hampshire."
The bartender looks at him and says, "Well what do you do in New Hampshire?"
"I'm a taxidermist," says the man. The bartender looks bewildered, so the man explains, "I mount dead animals."
The bartender stands back and hollers to the whole bar, "It's OK, boys! He's one of us!"



Submitted October 27, 2016 at 05:25AM by makzter

By far the worst thing I've ever done

I was 12, living with my abusive uncle and auntie. We lived on an old farm, no animals just fields. One day my uncle goes off to a market and comes back with this filthy ass horse. Says it's bred from some old bloke's prize stallion. Auntie loves it for some reason, because it's all muddy she calls it "Dirty." She was a bit fucked up like that. I, being a countryside kid, liked horses and riding them. Then they turned on me saying "If we ever catch you riding our fucking horse then we will beat the living shit out of you." They meant it, they'd done it before.

A few days later, I'm messing in the fields with some old tractor tire I found. Dirty is just eating grass and shit next to me. Auntie and uncle come out every few minutes to make sure I'm not riding the horse. Eventually I get board and climb inside the tire. Tire starts moving (field wasn't flat). Can't stop. Auntie and uncle come outside to check on me. They see me rollin. They hatin'. Patrolling. Trying to catch me riding Dirty.



Submitted October 27, 2016 at 02:18AM by Tactrus

I stopped by the house I spent my childhood in, and I politely asked the owners if I could look around. They said no and slammed the door in my face

My parents can be so fucking rude sometimes.



Submitted October 26, 2016 at 07:06PM by Awyeaah420

Wednesday, October 26, 2016

Why did the sheep get booed at the comedy club?

Because he told a baaaad joke



Submitted October 27, 2016 at 12:34AM by manami333

What does a private investigator call a short investigation?

A briefcase



Submitted October 27, 2016 at 12:28AM by up_with_the_maymays

Wife says "ew the cat must have just gone to the bathroom"

Me: Would you say she litterally smells bad?



Submitted October 26, 2016 at 09:33PM by perfunction

Me: hey dad, we got any ground beef left?

Dad: no, but plenty of water fish and land pork.



Submitted October 26, 2016 at 11:20PM by redditurded

Have you ever had sex whilst camping?

It's fucking in-tents!



Submitted October 26, 2016 at 09:31PM by Vilanoose

Have you heard about the corduroy pillow tend?

It's making headlines



Submitted October 26, 2016 at 10:05PM by ChiefLoud

What does a horse look for when voting?

A stable economy!



Submitted October 26, 2016 at 03:03PM by chiron42

A boy is selling fish on a corner

To get the attention of the passers by, he yelled "Dam fish for sale! Get your dam fish here!" A pastor hears this and asks, "Why are you calling them 'damn fish'?" The boy responds "Because i caught these fish at the local dam."

The pastor buys a couple fish, takes them home to his wife and asks her to cook the dam fish. The wife responds, surprised "I didn't know it was acceptable for a pastor to speak that way." He explains to her why they are dam fish.

Later at dinner, he asks his son to pass the dam fish. His son responds "That's the spirit, dad. Now pass the fucking potatoes."



Submitted October 26, 2016 at 12:52PM by BoredAtWork_420

Wife: Where the hell have you been? It's 3 o'clock in the morning?

Me: I've been playing poker with some blokes.

Wife: Playing poker with some blokes? You can pack your bags and fucking leave.

Me: So can you sweetheart; this ain't our fucking house anymore!



Submitted October 26, 2016 at 03:09PM by offensivehumor

What kind of shoes do ninjas wear?

Sneakers



Submitted October 26, 2016 at 07:24PM by aragon10

Did you hear about the guy who lost his entire left side?

He's all right now!



Submitted October 26, 2016 at 05:14PM by ObiJuanKenobi123

Instead of 'the jon', I call our toilet 'the jim'

Just so I can say I go every morning.



Submitted October 26, 2016 at 02:58PM by QuaggaSwagger

'Of course I won't laugh,' said the nurse.

'I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient.'

'Okay then,' said Dave, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest 'man thingy' the nurse had ever seen. Length and width, it couldn't have been bigger than a AAA battery. Unable to control herself, the nurse started giggling, then fell to the floor laughing.

Ten minutes later, she was able to struggle to her feet and regain her composure. 'I am so sorry,' she said. 'I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a nurse and a lady, I promise it won't happen again. Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?' 'It's swollen',he said.....



Submitted October 26, 2016 at 12:51PM by bablub048

Back in high school..

...I was a huge metal fan. In math class, I had an 8/10 girl next to me, she turns me on so much. I always try really hard to impress her, she's so hot. The teacher starts passing back last weeks test, and 8/10 looks at me, smiles, and starts playing with her hair. I can't handle it, I start spinning. The cute girl is completely staring now. I completely break down and stop spinning. She frowns, and I'm trying so hard to keep cool, but I had absolutely no power whatsoever. The teacher turns and plugs me back in, and I start spinning again. I was a metal fan in high school.



Submitted October 26, 2016 at 03:15PM by RyGuyTheGingerGuy

Frank goes hunting in the woods by himself.

He comes across a small black bear drinking from a stream so he shoots and kills it. He then feels a tap on his shoulder. He turns around and sees a large black bear.

"Hey", says the bear. "You just killed my cousin. What's your name?"

"Um....Frank", the hunter says nervously.

"Well Frank", says the bear, "Now you have to pay for that." The bear proceeds to scratch and maul Frank, and finally, sodomizes him.

Two days later, Frank gets out of the hospital, goes back into the woods, tracks down the offending bear and shoots him. He feels another tap on his shoulder. He turns around to see a huge brown bear.

"Hey Frank", says the brown bear. "You just shot my cousin. Now I have to punish you." The bear mauls and bites him and then sodomizes him.

Two weeks later, Frank gets out of the hospital and tracks down the brown bear. He shoots and kills it. Then he feels a tap on his shoulder. He turns around and sees a massive grizzly bear.

"Frank, man...really?" The grizzly proceeds to maul and tear into Frank, then violently sodomizes him.

Two months later, Frank leaves the hospital, immediately goes to his truck, goes back in the woods and finds and shoots the Grizzly. He then feels a tap on his shoulder and turns around to see the biggest polar bear he has ever seen.

"C'mon Frank", says the polar bear. "Just admit it. You don't come her for the hunting, do you?"



Submitted October 26, 2016 at 12:08PM by ucjj2011

My girlfriend treats me like a god

Now if I can only get her to stop being an atheist.



Submitted October 26, 2016 at 08:22AM by Jack-H-

Clearly my SO is preparing for fatherhood

Me: (cuddling) I'm not sure why I'm rubbing my ear on your nose Him: I guess you want to h-ear what I nose.

He also says "Hi Hungry, I'm (SO)" every time I say I'm hungry. Grr.



Submitted October 26, 2016 at 01:05PM by permanentlyjas

Have you ever tried to eat a clock?

It's very time consuming



Submitted October 26, 2016 at 12:18PM by Georgio91x

Stevie Wonder was once asked if there could be anything worse then being blind.

To which he replied "Well... I could have been black".



Submitted October 26, 2016 at 08:37AM by rossputman

Within a small tribe of Native Indians, some of the men ask the chief how cold the winter will be...

The chief replies "It will be a very cold winter, we must get a lot of wood"

So, the men go out and collect the winter supply of wood, with some extra just in case. They go back the the chief and ask if it will be enough, to which, he replies: "It will be a very cold winter, go get more wood.

So again, the men go out and collect more wood, they find the Chief again and ask if it will be enough, to which he replies: "No, it will be a very cold winter, you must get more wood."

This happens four more times, until the Chief comes to the realization that if it is not a cold winter, they will kill him for lying to them, and for making them collect so much wood. So the Chief decides to the local town to ask the meteorologist how cold the winter will be. He get's on his horse and heads out. Upon reaching the meteorologist, he asks him "how cold will the winter be?".

The meteorologist responds "Oh, it will be a very cold winter this year"

The chief, relieved, asks how he knows this, to which the meteorologist replies "Just look at how much wood the Indians are collecting!"



Submitted October 26, 2016 at 09:08AM by TheParticleMan

I've been having a tough time organizing things since the surgery...