Friday, September 30, 2016

What should you look for when hunting Will Smith?

Fresh prints.



Submitted September 30, 2016 at 08:27PM by HeeyMaan

A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed.....

.........when the wife looks over at him and asks a bold question.

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"

HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"

WIFE: "Why not - don't you like being married?"

HUSBAND: "Of course I do."

WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"

HUSBAND: "Okay, I'd get married again."

WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurtful look on her face).

HUSBAND: (makes audible groan).

WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"

HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."

WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"

HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"

WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"

HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."

WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"

HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."

WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?"

HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."



Submitted September 30, 2016 at 05:18PM by No_Mercy_4_Potatoes

My wife hated the giblets I cooked.

She said it was offal.



Submitted September 30, 2016 at 08:27PM by sliverytimber

My wife asked me to spray ant poison

I didn't do it because I didn't want my uncle to feel bad.



Submitted September 30, 2016 at 09:01PM by Thekolin99

How do you figure out that your girlfriend is getting too fat?

She starts fitting into your wife's clothes.



Submitted September 30, 2016 at 06:31PM by blondjokes

Honey, you know that new washing machine we just bought..

A wife had just made her husband a nice breakfast as she was in need of a few things and her husband was just a complete A** Hole.

So, the husband is reading the paper, and the wife says, "Honey, you know that new washing machine we just bought, well something is wrong with it, it won't go into the spin cycle and I was hoping you could take a look at it and see if you could fix it."

Husband lowers the news paper and says, "What do I look like, the Maytag repair man, you call up the place where we bought that washer and you have somebody come out and fix it."

Wife continues, "Honey, you know that truck we just got, well it won't go into reverse, I was hoping you could take a look at it and see if you couldn't fix it."

Husband says, "What do I look like, Mr. Good Wrench? You call up the place where we got that truck and you have somebody else come out and fix it."

Husband leaves for work and there is a knock at the door. It is the neighbor, Fred.

Fred says, "I couldn't help but over hear your conversation with your husband and I think I could help you out.. I can take a look at your truck and your washer and I think I can fix them for you."

Wife says, "Oh, Fred that would be wonderful. But what would you want for helping?"

Fred says, "Well you can either bake me a cake or give me a blow job"

Later the husband comes home and wife says, "Fred came over and he fixed the the truck and the washer."

Husband says, "Oh no. Fred never does anything for free. What did he want for helping?"

Wife says, "Well he said I can either bake him a cake or give him a blow job"

Husband says, "And what did you do??"

Wife says, "Well what do I look like, Betty Crocker?"



Submitted September 30, 2016 at 03:37PM by thorasocal

What did music tell the pancakes?

B flat.



Submitted September 30, 2016 at 09:14PM by Bonanza86

I don't like cat puns

Seriously, they freak meowt.



Submitted September 30, 2016 at 06:11PM by wheezy360

A classroom full of freshman medical students is anxiously awaiting their first human anatomy lesson..

when the door opens and the professor rolls in a naked dead body of an old man lying face down. He places it in the center of lecture hall and in a stiff voice says

"Before learning human anatomy there are only two important things you need to remember"

"First is you should be fearless", saying this he sticks his finger in the dead-body's butthole and puts it in his mouth.

Seeing this the students are stunned and disgusted, the professor says in a commanding voice

"Everyone line up and do what i just did", hesitatingly every student repeat what their professor did.

After the initial commotion settles down and everyone's had their turn, the professor says

"The second thing you need to remember is having a keen sense of observation, just like how I stuck my index finger in and put my ringfinger in my mouth"



Submitted September 30, 2016 at 01:34PM by nearedge

A girl realized that she had grown hair between her legs...

She got worried and asked her mom about that hair.

Her mom calmly said: "That part where hair has grown is called Monkey, be proud that your monkey has grown hair"

The girl smiled. At dinner, she told her sister: "My monkey has grown hair"

Her sister smiled and said: "That's nothing, mine is already eating bananas."



Submitted September 30, 2016 at 12:28PM by singh_sahil24

A police officer accidentally arrested a judge who was dressed like a convict for a costume party.

He quickly learned to never book a judge by their cover



Submitted September 30, 2016 at 02:23PM by Consinneration

A and B were having a conversation, when C suddenly knocked on the door.

So, they letter in.



Submitted September 30, 2016 at 03:03PM by Bonanza86

WE GET IT! SEPTEMBER'S OVER! GREEN DAY! YADA YADA

Every year . . .



Submitted September 30, 2016 at 02:22PM by xwhy

There was a collision at sea between two tankers...one carrying blue paint, one carrying red paint.

There were no casualties but a number of crewmen were marooned.



Submitted September 30, 2016 at 02:29PM by ohsureyoudo

Three men brought four cigarettes onto a boat, but then realized they had no lighters or matches. What do they do?

Throw one cigarette off the boat and the whole boat becomes a cigarette lighter.



Submitted September 30, 2016 at 12:08PM by VerySlickRhymes

I find hanging around in coffee shops

A great way to espresso yourself



Submitted September 30, 2016 at 03:03PM by Rambo7112

What did the girl play on her musical lizard?

The scales



Submitted September 30, 2016 at 01:28PM by cantankerousrat

Where does Google store all of their autonomous car data?

Google Drive...



Submitted September 30, 2016 at 01:34PM by matznerd

My dog Minton just ate my shuttlecock

Bad Minton!



Submitted September 30, 2016 at 01:34PM by MetropolitanPig666

A fake dad



Submitted September 30, 2016 at 12:26PM by free_mahimahi

What do you get if you drop a piano down a mine shaft?

A flat miner



Submitted September 30, 2016 at 08:05AM by mgomez12

A Saudi prince wants to buy a bull, so he goes to see a famous Russian bovine breeder.

The Russian tells him, "I have many good animal. Here is Swedish bull, is born black color, but color turns white when grows."

"Over there is American bull. Color when born is red, but become dark brown when full grown."

"And here, Turkish bull. They is born dark brown, but grow up to be light brown color."

The prince says. "I rather like the Turkish bulls. Fine specimens indeed."

"Excellent choice, your majesty. But Turkish bull is special. They is bred for royalty, like you. But if you have royal blood, you must be bonding with bull calf when young, before they change color. Or they will reject you." The Russian explains.

"Well", the prince says, "I'm looking for a strong, adult bull. I'm not particularly interested in buying a calf. I rather like this big, beige bull over here."

The prince attempts to pet the large Turkish bull. It sniffs his hand, shakes its head in disgust, turns around and kicks the prince with its hind legs.

The prince goes flying across the room and lands in a pile of hay.

"Where did you get such a horrible beast?! Why did it kick me!?" He sputters.

"I told you. From Turkey." The Russian explains. "Is tan bull, can't stand a noble."



Submitted September 30, 2016 at 09:56AM by redditurded

So what if I don't know what Armageddon means?

It's not the end of the world



Submitted September 30, 2016 at 03:19AM by Jefferncfc

What do you call a massage therapist who believes men are inherently better than women?

A massaginist.



Submitted September 30, 2016 at 11:10AM by pad0

What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino?

Elephino



Submitted September 30, 2016 at 09:10AM by Louisiana_Gent

Dad called in sick for work today, because of eye troubles.

He just couldn't see himself making it to work.



Submitted September 30, 2016 at 09:20AM by -DarkMagician-

My wife and I went on our honyemoon to Australia...

Unfortunately, I had to dial the help line.

"G'day this is Tim, you've reached the Aussie help line. How can we help ya?"

I told him, "We were in the ocean and my wife was stung by a jellyfish on her lady parts. Her vagina is completely swollen shut. It's our honeymoon, and well....ya know."

The guy on the help line replies, "Ah, bummer mate!"

I say, "I hadn't thought of that! Thanks for the advice. You've saved my honeymoon!"



Submitted September 30, 2016 at 06:27AM by madazzahatter

My daughter just Dad Joked me

I drove by a Conoco station and she said, "Mom, you just passed gas!"

Followed by hysterical laughter from the backseat.



Submitted September 29, 2016 at 11:15PM by pixiedonut

What did the fisherman say to the magician?

Pick a cod, any cod.



Submitted September 30, 2016 at 04:40AM by sendmenudespls999

A man asks a woman if she would have sex with him for a Million dollars.

The woman says "yes!"

The man then asks "Would you have sex with me for one dollar?"

"NO! what do you think I am?!" she reply's

"I think we already established that, now we're just negotiating"



Submitted September 30, 2016 at 03:13AM by Ratedfreak

A ventriloquist does a show

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting: "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person. Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general, and all in the name of humor!" The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little shit on your knee."



Submitted September 30, 2016 at 05:50AM by _Boba_Fett

Isn't it great to live in the 21st century?

Where deleting history has become more important than making it.



Submitted September 30, 2016 at 03:16AM by therap321

Story I told my son.

(I did not write this myself but thought it might belong here)

“Son, we need to have a chat about Internet Safety.” I slowly crumpled down onto the floor next to him. His laptop was open and he was playing Minecraft on a public server. His eyes were locked into the action. Comments scrolled down the side of the screen in a chat box. “Son, can you stop your game for a minute?”

He exited the world, closed the laptop, and looked up at me. "Dad, is this going to be another cheesy scary story?"

"Whhaaaat?" I faked hurt feelings for a second, and then grinned at him, "I thought you liked my cautionary tales?" He grew up listening to my stories about children who encountered witches, ghosts, werewolves, and trolls. Like many generations of parents, I used scary stories to reinforce morals and teach lessons about safety. Single dads like me should use all the parenting tools at their disposal.

He scrunched his face a little, "They were fine when I was six. But now that I'm getting older, they don't scare me anymore. They seem kinda silly. If you are going to tell a story about the Internet, can you make it really, really scary!?” I squinted at him incredulously. He folded his arms, “Dad. I’m ten and I can handle it."

"hmm… okay... I’ll try."

I began, “Once upon a time, there was a boy named Colby….” His expression indicated that he wasn't impressed with the terror of the introduction. He sighed deeply and settled in for one of Dad’s cheesy stories. I continued...

Colby went online and joined several children's websites. After a while, he started talking to other kids in-game and on the message boards. He made friends with another ten year old boy named Helper23. They liked the same video games and shows. They laughed at each other's jokes. They explored new games together. After several months of friendship, Colby gave Helper23 six diamonds in a game they were playing. This was a very generous gift. Colby's birthday was coming up and Helper23 wanted to send him a cool present in real life. Colby figured it wouldn't hurt to give Helper23 his home address - as long as he promised not to tell it to any strangers or grownups. Helper23 swore he wouldn't tell anyone else, not even his own parents, and set about mailing the package. 

I paused the story and asked my son, "Do you think that was a good idea?” “No!" he said shaking his head vigorously. In spite of himself, he was getting into the story.

Well neither did Colby. Colby felt guilty about giving away his home address - and his guilt began to grow. And grow. By the time he put on his pajamas the next night, his guilt and fear were larger than anything else in his life. He resolved to admit the truth to his parents. The punishment would be steep, but it was worth it to have a clear conscience. He squirmed in his bed as he waited for his parents to tuck him in. 

My son knew the scary part was coming up. In spite of his tough talk, he leaned forward wide-eyed. I spoke quietly and deliberately.

He heard all the noises of the house. The washing machine bounced around in the laundry room. Branches scraped against the brick outside his room. His baby brother cooed in the nursery. And there were some other noises he couldn't... quite... pinpoint. Finally, his dad’s footsteps echoed down the hall. “Hey Dad?” He called out nervously. “I have something to tell you.” His dad stuck his head in the doorway at a weird angle. In the darkness, his mouth didn't seem to move and the eyes were all wrong. "Yes, son" The voice was way off, too. "Are you okay, Dad?" The boy asked. "Uh-huh" sung the father in his strangely affected voice. Colby pulled his covers up defensively. "Ummm... Is Mom around?" "Here I am!" Mom's head popped into the doorway below Dad's. Her voice was an unnatural falsetto. "Were you about to tell us that you gave our home address to Helper23? You shouldn't have done that! We TOLD you never to give out personal information on the Internet!" She continued, "He wasn't really a kid! He just pretended to be one. Do you know what he did? He came to our house, broke in, and murdered both of us! Just so he could spend some time with you!" A fat man in a wet jacket emerged in the child's doorway holding the two severed heads. Colby shrieked and gasped as the man dropped the heads on the ground, unsheathed his knife, and moved into the room to work on the boy. 

My son screamed too. He twisted his hands defensively over his face. But we were just getting started with the story.

After several hours, the boy was almost dead and his screams had become whimpers. The killer noticed the wailing of a baby in another room and removed his knife from Colby. This was a special treat. He had never murdered a baby before and was excited about the prospect. Helper23 left Colby to die and followed the cries through the house like a homing beacon. In the nursery, he walked to the crib, picked the baby up, and held it in his arms. He moved towards the changing table to get a better look. But as he held the baby, the crying died down. The baby looked up and smiled. Helper23 had never held a baby, but he gently bounced it in his arms like a pro. He wiped his bloody hands on the blanket so he could stroke the baby's cheek, "Hey there, sweet little guy." The beautiful rage of sadism melted into something warmer and softer. He walked out of the nursery, took the baby home, named him William, and raised him as his very own. 

After I finished the story, my son was visibly shaken. Between ragged staccato breaths, he stammered, "But Dad, MY name's William." I gave him a classic dad-wink and tousled his hair. "Of course it is, son." William ran up the stairs to his bedroom in a fury of sobs.

But deep down... I think he liked the story



Submitted September 30, 2016 at 06:49AM by Dreamblook

Did anybody wake greenday up?

No text found

Submitted September 30, 2016 at 02:39AM by bobberkarl

What's the speed limit of sex?

68, because if you go 69 you'll flip over and eat it.



Submitted September 30, 2016 at 01:17AM by Blackd1amond13

An unconscious man arrives at a hospital...

After a series of x-rays, the radiologist discovered the man had several plastic horses in his anus.

The doctors have declared his condition as "stable".



Submitted September 29, 2016 at 09:26PM by madazzahatter

Thursday, September 29, 2016

I bought my girlfriend a fridge for her birthday

I know its not the greatest gift, but you should've seen her face light up when she opened it.



Submitted September 30, 2016 at 12:03AM by press-control-w

Want to see something intense?

You should go camping.



Submitted September 29, 2016 at 11:35PM by BigMikeCassel

Donald Trump's plan to build a wall might actually work.

The Chinese built a huge wall, and they have almost no Mexicans in their country.



Submitted September 29, 2016 at 10:47PM by ThatOneAwesomeII

I'm reading a book about gravity.

And I can't put it down!



Submitted September 29, 2016 at 07:34PM by 75jacko

I said Hi to a girl and she replied "I have a boyfriend"...

"And I have a math test", I told her. "What?", she replied, "What does that have to do with anything?".

"Oh", I said, "I thought we were both naming things we would cheat on."



Submitted September 29, 2016 at 05:10PM by FarazR90

probably already been done:

Wenn ist das Nunstück git und Slotermeyer? Ja! Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput!



Submitted September 29, 2016 at 11:35PM by Dadsense

Who would win a battle between an orangutan and a hyena?

I don't know, but we'll find out November 8, 2016.



Submitted September 29, 2016 at 04:38PM by the_jacksonpalooza

If only humans had...

My SO got me tonight as follows:

Me: We have too much to carry. If only people had evolved four arms. Wouldn't that be cool?

Her (with shit-eating grin): We do have forearms...

She then proceeds to display her arm to me Vanna-White-style.



Submitted September 29, 2016 at 10:02PM by jessegammons

How do they make pancakes in China?

In a pan... Duh!!



Submitted September 29, 2016 at 09:16PM by vhm01

What do you call a Russian leader covered in gravy and cheese curds?

Vladimir Poutine



Submitted September 29, 2016 at 07:38PM by popfilms

Au

This title is gold.



Submitted September 29, 2016 at 09:13PM by bang870

[Long] A beautiful prostitute

A man is driving around the New York City late one night looking for a prostitute. He pulls over at a corner and sees what may be the most gorgeous woman he's ever laid eyes on. The man says, "you are one of the most beautiful girls I've ever seen out here, I've gotta ask, how much do you charge for a handjob?" The woman responds that it'll be $100. The man is shocked and asks why it's so expensive. The woman points to a Mercedes on the other side of the street and says, "see that car over there, my handjobs paid for that." So the man agrees and the woman gives him the most amazing handjob he's ever had. The next day, the man can't stop thinking about the night before and decides to go back again. This time he pulls up and says, "I know it's going to be expensive, but I have to ask, how much for a blowjob?" The woman responds that it's $500 and says "see that townhouse over there? My blowjobs paid for that." The man just can't refuse and the prostitute proceeds to give him the most mind-blowing blowjob he's ever had in his life. Before he leaves, the man says "I have to know, if you're handjobs and blowjobs are that expensive, how much do you charge for sex?" The prostitute responds, "see Manhattan over there? If I had a pussy, I would own that whole island."



Submitted September 29, 2016 at 05:30PM by Joetron1

I'm tired of seeing "Hey OP, I banged your mom" comments every time I post a submission....

I never should have given dad my username.



Submitted September 29, 2016 at 01:54PM by HarryBahlsack

How do tiny bakers spice it up in the bedroom?

Roll playing.



Submitted September 29, 2016 at 05:28PM by saywhat23

How does Moses make tea?

Hebrews it



Submitted September 29, 2016 at 05:16PM by marty___mcfly

Today someone told me photons have mass?

I didn't even know they were Catholic!



Submitted September 29, 2016 at 04:28PM by neffability

My girlfriend treats me like God

She ignores my existence and only talks to me when she needs something.



Submitted September 29, 2016 at 02:49PM by _Boba_Fett

My dad told me not to listen to loud music.

He said it was sound advice.



Submitted September 29, 2016 at 02:03PM by CynicalSoup

So I woke up a few days ago and told my dad, "we should get one of those old-people chair things so we don't have to walk up the stairs". He responded,

Those things drive me up the fucking wall.



Submitted September 29, 2016 at 04:50PM by Fhyrestar

A guy walks into a bar..

He sits down and strikes up a conversation with the bartender "hey, wanna make a bet?" The bartender shows some interest "What's the bet?" The guy tells the bartender "if I can ask myself a question and answer it, you have to give me a free drink" The bartender looks at the guy strange "that sounds like a stupid bet" "But" the guy adds " if you can ask yourself a question and answer it, I'll pay twice the price for the drink" "Oh, I get it now" the bartender said "well, since you proposed this bet why don't you start first?" The guy nodes "alright" He then ask him self the question "how can a rabbit dig a hole without pushing any dirt out the top?" The guy then answers "it starts from the bottom" "Wait a minute" the bartender said "how'd it get to the bottom then?" The guy grins "I don't know, that's your question"



Submitted September 29, 2016 at 11:15AM by -Chosen_

Smart blonde joke

Three women go down to Mexico one night to celebrate college graduation. They get drunk and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning – though none of them can remember what they did the night before.

The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if she has any last words. She says, “I just graduated from Trinity Bible College and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent.” They throw the switch and nothing happens. They all immediately fall to the floor on their knees, beg for forgiveness, and release her.

The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words. “I just graduated from the Harvard School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent.” They throw the switch and again, nothing happens. Again they all immediately fall to their knees, beg for forgiveness and release her.

The last one, a blonde, is strapped in and says, “Well, I’m from the University of Texas and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I’ll tell ya right now, ya’ll ain’t gonna electrocute nobody if you don’t plug this thing in.”



Submitted September 29, 2016 at 01:23PM by LuffyTheAstronaut

The logical scientist

Two builders are seated either side of a table in a rough pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar.

The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit.

Chris: 'I reckon he's an accountant. '

James: ‘No way - he's a stockbroker. '

Chris: ‘He's no stockbroker. A stockbroker wouldn't come in here. '

The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Chris and he makes for the toilet. On entering the toilet, he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal. Curiosity and the several beers get the better of the builder.

Chris: ' 'Scuse me... no offence meant, but me and my mate were wondering what you do for a living.'

Suit: ‘No offence taken. I'm a logical scientist by profession. '

Chris: 'Yeah, so what's that then. '

Suit: 'I'll try to explain by example. Do you have a goldfish at home?'

Chris: 'Er... mmm... well yeah, I do as it happens. '

Suit: 'Well, it's logical to assume that you keep it in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it?'

Chris: 'It's in a pond'

Suit: 'Well then, it's logical to suppose that you have a large garden then?'

Chris: 'As it happens, yes I have got a big garden.'

Suit: 'Well then, it's logical to assume that in this town if you have a large garden then you have a large house?'

Chris: ‘As it happens I've got a five-bedroom house... built it myself.'

Suit: 'well, given that you've built a five-bedroom house it is logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you're probably married.'

Chris: 'Yes, I am married. I live with my wife and three children.'

Suit: 'Well then, it's logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis.'

Chris: 'Yep! Four nights a week. '

Suit: 'Well then, it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate very often?'

Chris: ‘Me? Never!'

Suit: 'Well, there you are, that's logical science at work.'

Chris: 'How's that then?'

Suit: 'From finding out that you had a goldfish. I've told you about the size of the garden you have, the size of house, your family and your sex life. '

Chris: 'I, see. That's pretty impressive... thanks mate.'

Both leave the toilet and Chris returns to his mate.

James: 'I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?'

Chris: 'Yep! He's a logical scientist.'

James: 'What's that then?'

Chris: 'I'll try to explain. Do you have a goldfish?'

James: 'Nope. '

Chris: 'Well then, you're a wanker.'



Submitted September 29, 2016 at 10:45AM by edirty6

How many McDonalds workers does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, because they can't climb the ladder.



Submitted September 29, 2016 at 10:09AM by fanoui

I'd absolutely LOVE to work as a plumber one day,

But right now it's just a pipedream.



Submitted September 29, 2016 at 12:52PM by Frasp

\r\jokes has the funniest most original content

But at least I don't have Alzheimer's.



Submitted September 29, 2016 at 08:21AM by AndyC333

Whats a bigger version of Overwatch?

OverClock



Submitted September 29, 2016 at 12:40PM by chiedz

Coworker said she deserved a letter of commendation. I gave her several.



Submitted September 29, 2016 at 11:40AM by ieGod

My dad always used to tell me to wear shoes when using the lawn mower. I would always end up wearing slippers.

He would say "Don't come running to me if you get your legs cut off!".



Submitted September 29, 2016 at 11:53AM by tesla_beats_edison

Time flies like an arrow.

Fruit flies like a banana.



Submitted September 29, 2016 at 11:29AM by might_as_well_make_1

I don't understand why aquatic mammals are even necessary

I mean, what porpoise do they serve?



Submitted September 29, 2016 at 11:31AM by geoffevans

What instrument can you find in the bathroom?

A tuba....

(Wait for it) ... .... ... ... ... ... ..., Toothpaste



Submitted September 29, 2016 at 10:58AM by MrsArman

How do you get an emo person off a tree?

You cut the rope.



Submitted September 29, 2016 at 07:24AM by -LightningKing-

Jewish Sex

No matter what this husband did in bed, his wife never achieved an orgasm. Since a Jewish wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to consult their Rabbi.

The Rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes the following suggestion: Hire a strapping young man.

While the two of you are making love, have the young man wave a towel over you.

That will help your wife fantasize and should bring on an orgasm.' They go home and follow the Rabbi's advice.

They hire a handsome young man and he waves a towel over them as they make love. It does not help and the wife is still unsatisfied. Perplexed, they go back to the Rabbi. 'Okay,' he says to the husband, 'Try it reversed.

Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them'. Once again, they follow the Rabbi's advice. They go home and hire, the same strapping young man.

The young man gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves the towel.

The young man gets to work with great enthusiasm and soon she has an enormous, room-shaking, ear-splitting screaming orgasm. The husband smiles, looks at the young man and says to him triumphantly, 'You see that, you schmuck? THAT'S how you wave a towel!!'



Submitted September 29, 2016 at 06:26AM by Gieller12

My girlfriend accused me of cheating

I told her she was starting to sound like my wife.



Submitted September 29, 2016 at 07:59AM by Jacob_wallace

My son swallowed several coins the other day.

I've definitely seen some change in him.



Submitted September 29, 2016 at 05:13AM by haxden91

What did the Sushi say to the Bee?

Wasabi



Submitted September 29, 2016 at 08:00AM by kaosbehemoth

Doctor, how can I live longer than 100 years?

Do you smoke? No.

Do you eat too much? No.

Do you go to bed late? No.

Do you have affairs with promiscuous women? No.

Then why would you want to live more than 100 years?



Submitted September 29, 2016 at 01:34AM by oliviarose007

A sadist, a masochist, a murderer, a necrophile, a zoophile and a pyromaniac are all sitting on a bench in a mental institution.

"Let's have sex with a cat?" asked the zoophile.

"Let's have sex with the cat and then torture it," says the sadist.

"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it and then kill it," shouted the murderer.

"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it and then have sex with it again," said the necrophile.

"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it, have sex with it again and then burn it," said the pyromaniac.

There was silence, and then the masochist said: "Meow."



Submitted September 28, 2016 at 11:00PM by One_LifeRS

My dad got me good tonight. I told him I have a random question, he responded by telling "65!"

When I expressed my confusion he told me it was "his random answer"



Submitted September 28, 2016 at 11:36PM by birdonamonday

They just came out with a new model of jackhammer

It's groundbreaking



Submitted September 29, 2016 at 02:59AM by JuniorGenius

Wednesday, September 28, 2016

I saw a huge seagull today

I saw a huge seagull today

Then I thought it's large enough to be a D gull

It may even be so large it's a double D gull

But not quite big enough to be an Eagle



Submitted September 29, 2016 at 12:02AM by Praesil

Kids both laughed, wife just sighed... my job is done

Our boys got bags with new toothbrushes and stuff from their dentist visit. Out oldest looked inside and said "hey, it cane with floss!"

Without looking up from the TV, I blurted out "that's floss-some".



Submitted September 29, 2016 at 12:23AM by confibulator

Do you know what a 6.9 is?

A good thing screwed up by a period.



Submitted September 28, 2016 at 08:59PM by MockingYourPain

I got my girlfriend as we cleaned up dinner

She found a wok a roommate had bought in one of the cupboards. This ensued:

Gf: "We have a wok?"

Me: "A walk?"

Gf: "A wok."

Me: "A walk? That's a stupid name for a pot."

Gf: "It's not a pot, it's a wok."

Me: "A walk?"

At this point she just rolled her eyes.

Later on, as she was putting knives away, I added, "You should get a sit, maybe it would work better."

Tl;dr girlfriend doesn't want to walk



Submitted September 28, 2016 at 11:18PM by cognitiv_isomorphism

So Tim Tebow just hit a home run in his first professional at bat

But he had no idea what to do once he got to third base.



Submitted September 28, 2016 at 06:21PM by Cream1984

What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?

Anyone can roast beef.



Submitted September 28, 2016 at 04:31PM by geoffevans

Sheep

This came to me this morning. I'm sure somebody has come up with it before, but for me it's original content.

If a sheep is having a dialogue in its own head, is that called internal bleating?



Submitted September 28, 2016 at 08:43PM by Domsdad666

What is yellow and can't swim?

A bus full of children.



Submitted September 28, 2016 at 01:07PM by supersoy1

What did the sushi say to the bee?

Wasabi

I'll let myself out now.



Submitted September 28, 2016 at 05:02PM by JustCallMeErica

A binman walks up to a Chinese man's door...

He says, "Where's your bin?"

The Chinese man replies, "I bin watching TV."

"No, where's your dustbin?"

"I told you. I dustbin watching TV!"

"Where's your wheelie bin?" The binman asks, getting agitated.

"Okay, okay. I wheelie bin having a wank."



Submitted September 28, 2016 at 12:06PM by twows995

I was recently diagnosed with color-blindness.

It came out of the green.



Submitted September 28, 2016 at 06:58PM by MojoDestiny

So my SO and I had a really bad night a while back, but a dadjoke helped us turn the night around.

Long story short we both got into an argument and I ended up saying my opinion in the worst way possible (I didn't insult her or anything, but looking back it was a pretty awful way to word stuff) and she ended up in tears. Then some confessions came out and we both ended up in tears. Needless to say we cried a lot, but we made up and snuggled into bed to just hold each other.

Her: "Well it was a productive evening at least."

Me: "Yeah, you could say it was a tear-ductive evening."

Her eyes rolled so hard she almost started crying again.



Submitted September 28, 2016 at 06:42PM by GekkostatesOfAmerica

Your uncle just loves to up the ante.

No text found

Submitted September 28, 2016 at 06:51PM by iia

Did you hear about the evil tuna?

He was rotten to the albacore.

Source: Rocko's Modern Life.



Submitted September 28, 2016 at 04:56PM by RNNNG

Cantaloupe

I'm already married!



Submitted September 28, 2016 at 03:06PM by wyattsavi

Got my girlfriend last weekend

Last weekend I was out with my girlfriend and her parents (first time meeting the parents). The topic of conversation turned toward the bracelets my girlfriend wears.

GF: They have to be worn in odd numbers.

Dad: Why?

Me: It's because she can't even.

My girlfriend and her Mom rolled their eyes while her Dad chuckled.



Submitted September 28, 2016 at 03:32PM by HeelHookAndDyno

How did Harry Potter make it to the bottom of the hill?

By walking... jk rolling



Submitted September 28, 2016 at 01:20PM by 29penis

An unemployed engineer opens a clinic..

An engineer who was unemployed for a long time decided to open a medical clinic. He puts a sign outside the clinic: "A cure for your ailment guaranteed at $500; we'll pay you $1,000 if we fail." A Doctor thinks this is a good opportunity to earn $1,000 and goes to his clinic. Doctor: "I have lost my sense of taste." Engineer: "Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth." Doctor: "This is Gasoline!" Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500." The Doctor gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days later to recover his money. Doctor: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything." Engineer: "Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth." Doctor: "But that is Gasoline!" Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500." The Doctor leaves angrily and comes back after several days, more determined than ever to make his money back. Doctor: "My eyesight has become weak." Engineer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for this. Take this $1,000," passing the doctor a $500 note. Doctor: "But this is $500..." Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your vision back! That will be $500."



Submitted September 28, 2016 at 02:27PM by nikoliazekter

I didn't even know he knows geometry...

I got home after failing an algebra exam and I told my dad "I'm gonna get acute depression if I see a proof one more time."

He said to me "You would get obtuse depression if you were doing the math we did in my days."

Just when I thought my day couldn't get any worse.



Submitted September 28, 2016 at 02:05PM by ivanruvi

What Scottish city did Fred Flintstone visit?

Yabaderbadeen



Submitted September 28, 2016 at 02:23PM by Musicjoe11

A wife came home early and,

One day, a wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman. Naturally, she was very upset. “You are a disrespectful pig!” she cried. “How dare you do this to me! I’m a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I’m leaving you. I want a divorce right away!” The husband replied, “Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened.” “Go ahead,” she sobbed, “but they’ll be the last words you’ll say to me!” So the husband began, “Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn’t eaten for three days. So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night. The ones you wouldn’t eat because you’re afraid you’ll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments! Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don’t wear because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don’t wear because I don’t have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don’t wear just to annoy her and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don’t wear because someone at work has a pair the same.” The husband took a quick breath and continued, “She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said…” “Do you have anything else that your wife doesn’t use?”



Submitted September 28, 2016 at 11:19AM by NewyoutubeSEO

My girlfriend loves me, I swear.

We've been watching the Flash, which is awful TV at its finest. You'd expect anyone to watch this to enjoy some good punnery, but that's not the case. I texted this to my girlfriend and got a condescending "Oh, honey..." in response.

My text: "If someone sculpted Barry Allen out of clay, you could call him Adobe Flash."

I swear she loves me but I don't always know why.



Submitted September 28, 2016 at 01:09PM by poorloko

This guy walks into a bar...

Sits down and orders a drink when another patron asks him if he'd like to be regaled with some music. The guy says "sure", so the patron reaches into his pocket and places a tiny piano on the bar. He then reaches into his other pocket and places a ten inch pianist behind the piano who then begins to shred the keys, filling the bar with best music the man had ever heard. "Where the hell did you get something like that?" the man asked. "Well, I have a genie that grants me wishes. Would you like one?" the patron replied. "Of course I would!" said the man. So the patron places a lamp into the man's hand and out pops a genie. "You're wish is my command" the genie's voice booms and the man proceeds to ask for "ten million bucks". POOF! Ten million ducks proceed to walk into the bar. The man turns to the patron, exasperated and says "what the hell your genie is broken. I asked for ten million bucks and he gave me ten million ducks" and the patron responds "yeah, ya think I really asked for a ten inch pianist?"



Submitted September 28, 2016 at 07:11AM by Hucklemybuckle

A bird flew in my bathroom window...

We saw eachothers peckers.



Submitted September 28, 2016 at 11:59AM by MikeyStealth

My sister bet me a hundred dollars I couldn’t build a car out of spaghetti:

You should've seen the look on her face as i drove pasta!



Submitted September 28, 2016 at 08:01AM by therap321

My sister said

"Your feet stink, and it's unbearable"

" why isn't it unwolfable?"

Horrible dadjoke i know



Submitted September 28, 2016 at 11:33AM by sidhantsv

If you are bad at spelling, try filling out an application for a blood bank.

They don't reject any type-O's



Submitted September 28, 2016 at 11:29AM by jimbo_slice3

I'm a little apathetic to the anti-vaxxer movement but...

WHO cares.



Submitted September 28, 2016 at 10:48AM by MattTheProgrammer

My dad is in an all vegan Foo Fighters cover band called the Tofu Fighters.

No text found

Submitted September 28, 2016 at 11:02AM by RedYellon

What do you call something you love doing that is against your religion?

Haram-bae



Submitted September 28, 2016 at 09:40AM by GamerInTrance44

Mr tickle....

....had no idea why his girlfriend Tess wouldn't marry him.



Submitted September 28, 2016 at 09:36AM by Isaac_hunt_too

I give to you a joke I made up when I was seven: Why did the computer crash?

Because it had a bad driver! drops mic



Submitted September 28, 2016 at 08:21AM by nupmo

What do you call an evil wizard who gives good hickeys?

A neck romancer.



Submitted September 28, 2016 at 06:50AM by NutellaGood

Got dad joked by my gf last night after not shutting cabinet doors

So I have a bad habit of opening a cabinet door to put dishes away or take some out and forgetting to close the cabinet door I just opened. My gf and I got a cat maybe two months ago and she's getting big enough where she's learning that she can jump up on almost all of our furniture. I got scolded yesterday for forgetting to close a cabinet door as my gf is worried the cat will learn she can jump up on the counter and will go in our cabinets and break stuff. My gf looked at me and said "Babe, you've got to remember to shut the cabinet doors. If you don't then the cat will get all up in the cabinets and ruin everything. That'd be a cat-tastrophy." I was so proud, she's definitely the one :)



Submitted September 28, 2016 at 07:44AM by nero4983

Quality testing mirrors is a job I could really see myself doing.

No text found

Submitted September 28, 2016 at 06:55AM by vysken

When my wife left, I was sad, upset and lonely

Since then I've got a dog, I bought a new motorbike, shagged two women and blown a grand on drugs and drink. She'll go fucking mental when she gets home from work.



Submitted September 28, 2016 at 05:17AM by _chewits_

I thought my new girlfriend might be the one.

But after looking through her knicker drawer and finding a nurse's outfit, a French maids outfit, and a police woman's uniform, I finally decided; if she can't hold down a job, she's not for me.



Submitted September 28, 2016 at 02:24AM by empty-handed-painter

My 3 year old made me proud

Background: she's learning about magnets and how they stick together. She is also learning about anatomy. Finally, she has a two month old baby brother... all of these things are relevant.

She was playing with the magnets and put one next to her brother and says "He doesn't have stick, but he does have test-STICK-les"

It was her first proper dad joke.



Submitted September 28, 2016 at 04:58AM by coachlasso

Visiting my parents

Me: "thanks for having me this weekend!"

Dad: "well, technically your mother had you, and it was earlier than last weekend."

Grrroan.



Submitted September 28, 2016 at 02:24AM by pstrick

Tuesday, September 27, 2016

A polar bear and a black bear are taking a stroll in the arctic...

When suddenly, the polar bear falls in some water he starts to panic and says, "Help, I'm dissolving!" the black bear replies with, "No you aren't bears are insoluble!" the polar bear says, "That's easy for you to say, you're non-polar!".



Submitted September 27, 2016 at 08:44PM by polycodec

What's the difference between the http response codes 403 and 401?

Two



Submitted September 28, 2016 at 02:13AM by Inappropez

A bakery owner hires a young female shop assistant...

A bakery owner hires a young female shop assistant who liked to wear very short skirts and thong panties.

One day a young man enters the store, glances at the shop assistant and at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing her short skirt and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea. "I'd like some raisin bread please," the man says. The shop assistant nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread located on the very top shelf. The man standing almost directly beneath her is provided with an excellent view, just as he thought. When she descends the ladder, he decides that he had better get two loaves.

As the shop assistant retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what's going on and requests his own loaf of raisin bread.

After many trips she is tired and irritated and begins to wonder, "Why the unusual interest in the raisin bread?" Atop the ladder one more time, she looks down and glares at the men standing below. Then, she notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd.

Thinking that she can save herself another trip, she yells at the elderly man, "Is it raisin for you too?"

"No," he stammers, "But it's quiverin' a little."



Submitted September 27, 2016 at 10:15PM by Craco_21

My Spanish teacher taught me the word for "Transgender"

I asked him if the word is masculine or feminine



Submitted September 27, 2016 at 10:07PM by Pechuga_De_Pollo

My mate just rang me and said "what are you doing at the moment?"

I said, "probably failing my driving test."



Submitted September 27, 2016 at 02:08PM by mykeuk

What walks on 8 legs until it's one years old, 4 legs until it's twenty years old and then 2 legs for the remainder of it's life?

Fred and George Weasley.



Submitted September 27, 2016 at 07:49PM by ImThatMan0nTheMoon

I groaned externally but laughed internally

http://ift.tt/2cJEugJ

Got a B on a math exam I took and told my dad and he hits me back with this. I love my dad.



Submitted September 27, 2016 at 09:24PM by squid_loaf

What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?

Beer nuts are a dollar fifty. Deer nuts are always under a buck...

I'll see myself out now.



Submitted September 27, 2016 at 07:06PM by mooseorama

My wife's bad dad joke

I happened to have a block of salted butter in my hand and jokingly told my wife I was going to hit her with it.

She says to me, "That would be a-salt and buttery."



Submitted September 27, 2016 at 06:15PM by HanlonRazor

It's 80 degrees in San Francisco today.

Girls are wearing skirts so short you can almost see their dicks.



Submitted September 27, 2016 at 05:11PM by rudedood

The president of Valve walks into a bar with 2 colleagues.

The waitress approaches their table and the president orders drinks for them.

"We'll need 2 beers and 1 beer please."

The waitress looks confused. "So you need 3 beers?"

The president is also confused. "What the hell is 3?"



Submitted September 27, 2016 at 01:12PM by Jeeterhawk007

Found this on my computer science teacher's webpage

A helicopter with a pilot and a single passenger was flying around above Seattle when a malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's navigation and communications equipment.

Due to the darkness and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position and course to get back to the airport.

The pilot saw a tall building with lights on and flew toward it, the pilot had the passenger draw a handwritten sign reading, "WHERE AM I?", and hold it up for the building's occupants to see.

People in the building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window.

Their sign said, "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."

The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely.

After they were on the ground, the passenger asked the pilot how the "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER" sign helped determine their position.

The pilot responded, "I knew that had to be the Microsoft support building, they gave me a technically correct but entirely useless answer."



Submitted September 27, 2016 at 04:42PM by Hotax

Just Dad-joked my coworker, many groans were had.

To preface, we work at a coffee shop. A somewhat picky customer comes up and orders a 16 ounce chai tea latte, with soy milk. My coworker tells me all of this, and that the customer would like the drink at exactly 140°F. I make the drink, and call it out to be picked up: "16 ounce soy milk chai!"

My coworker comes over and says, "Hopefully she likes it, I've had to remake her drink a couple times before." I replied with:

"Well I certainly chai-ed soy hard when I made it."

Eye rolling and groans all around while I grinned ear to ear.



Submitted September 27, 2016 at 07:13PM by Codidly5

How do ghosts watch movies?

boo-ray



Submitted September 27, 2016 at 07:00PM by ry_ryan

There's a new religious community for people who have undergone corrective surgery...

...the trans-mission.



Submitted September 27, 2016 at 03:26PM by Kippekok

My wife took off her shirt while I was driving...

To change. So I told her she better be careful or should make me have an e"wreck"tion



Submitted September 27, 2016 at 04:18PM by olivergrayson

What do you call the friend zone?

Palcatraz



Submitted September 27, 2016 at 02:22PM by pm-me-happy-things

So I walked into a pub last night..

And as I walked in I noticed a long queue to the back door, and heard a lot of shouting. I walk up to the bartender and ask him, "Whaddya got going on back there? Some kind of fight club?" And he said "yeah, and that's the punch line."



Submitted September 27, 2016 at 02:56PM by digitalwolverine

A couple have a lot of sex

They challenge each other to see who can have the most sex in a month. The woman wins.

Some say she cheated.



Submitted September 27, 2016 at 07:43AM by DDMiner

Friend texted me, frustrated that he had spilled his salad down his shirt.

"Oh darn, I'm sorry to hear that you're having trouble dressing yourself."



Submitted September 27, 2016 at 01:12PM by The_Commander

There's one place in South America

where it's always Chile outside.



Submitted September 27, 2016 at 12:53PM by -Lo_Mein_Kampf-

I've just discovered that I'm allergic to cats.

Either that or I undercooked it.



Submitted September 27, 2016 at 08:26AM by TommehBoi

Got my co-workers today

CW 1: we need 11, I have 4 right here, so we just need to make a few more

Me: So we got about a third of what we need

CW 2: Quit it with the fractions DarkStrobeLight

Me: do I half to? (Laughing maniacally)

CW 1: it's too early for this shit



Submitted September 27, 2016 at 12:27PM by DarkStrobeLight

This joke came to me walking the dog near a pond... What do you call 2 contradictory waterfowl?

A pairaducks.

HA ha hee! ;)



Submitted September 27, 2016 at 12:37PM by rchase

My female roommate became a dad last night

My roommates and I were passing the study room in our apartment and we noticed that the AC was blasting and the room felt like an icebox. I asked "Why is it always so cold in there?"

And one of my roommates responds "because it's a cool place to study." My other roommates and I just groan and roll our eyes.



Submitted September 27, 2016 at 12:15PM by vsaholic

Heart attack

When is the worst possible time to have a heart attack? When you are playing Charades.



Submitted September 27, 2016 at 10:24AM by SoonerCharley

Whats a mans favorite word that starts with 'm' and ends in 'arriage'?

A miscarriage!

This joke never gets old, just like the baby!



Submitted September 27, 2016 at 09:55AM by iRyaaanM

Girlfriend dad joked me last night

As we get in her car and I ask her "Did I leave my hat in here?"

She replies: "Yes, I've been keeping it cap-tive." Then smirked really hard and looked away.



Submitted September 27, 2016 at 11:24AM by bill_russell

A rich guy suspects that his wife is cheating on him. So he hid a razor in her vagina when she was drunk

He told his 3 bodyguards that he was going to travel for a few days. When he came back he assembled them in a room and asked the first one to take off his pants, his dick was fine so he dismissed so he said ''YES SIR'' and left the room, the second one was asked the same thing and his dick was fine as well so he dismissed him, again he said ''YES SIR'' and left the room. The third one's dick was fine as well. The rich guy was confused but he dismissed him anyways the bodyguard said ''Yeth Thir'' and left the room.



Submitted September 27, 2016 at 08:32AM by M7madDKA

TIL Hours before Edison died , he came out of coma , opened his eyes and said "It is very beautiful over there"

Well tesla said it first anyways.



Submitted September 27, 2016 at 06:09AM by offensiveindiandude

Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump go into a bakery...

Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump go into a bakery.

As soon as they enter the bakery, Hillary steals three pastries and puts them in her pocket. She says to Donald, "See how clever I am? The owner didn't see anything and I don't even need to lie.” I will definitely win the election.

The Donald says to Hillary, "That's the typical dishonesty you have displayed throughout your entire life, trickery and deceit. I am going to show you an honest way to get the same result."

Donald goes to the owner of the bakery and says, "Give me a pastry and I will show you a magic trick." Intrigued, the owner accepts and gives him a pastry. Trump swallows it and asks for another one. The owner gives him another one. Then Donald asks for a third pastry and eats that, too.

The owner is starting to wonder where the magic trick is and asks, "What did you do with the pastries?" Trump replies, "Look in Hillary's pocket"



Submitted September 27, 2016 at 06:12AM by fapperapper

Congratulations to the winner of last night's presidential debate!

The Voyager probe, flying away from Earth at an estimated 62000 km per hour.



Submitted September 27, 2016 at 08:57AM by thefran

My dad pretended to be my uncle for my entire life

No text found

Submitted September 27, 2016 at 09:49AM by RedYellon

What device does Mario use when he wants to communicate with the dead?

A Lou-ouija board.



Submitted September 27, 2016 at 09:40AM by Renton_Knox

My wife asked if I heard about Disney trying to buy Twitter

"Yeah, if that happens every Disney movie will have to have 140 chatacters!"



Submitted September 27, 2016 at 09:15AM by tavenger5

"TOMATO, POTATO, LETTUCES, GET YOUR VEGETABLES HERE!"

Shouted the man in the street, standing in front of boxes filled with vegetables trying to get people to buy them.

A woman then walks up to him and asks "Can I have 4 tomatoes, 4 potatoes, and 4 onions please ?"

the man says to her: "well I am very sorry but we don't have any onions left, we have tomatoes, we have potatoes, but we're totally out of onions"

the woman then says "oh well, then I will have two tomatoes, two potatoes and two onions please"

the man says "miss I am sorry but like I said we do not have any onions left"

the lady then says "oh I must have miss heard you, then I would have one tomato, one potato and one onion, please."

the man gets a little but frustrated with the lady and says "alright, let's play a game, if you take the 'omato' out of tomato, what do you get?"

the woman confused says "you would get 't' "

the man says "correct, and if you would take the 'otato' out of potato, what would you get ?"

the woman says "you would get 'p'"

the man then says to her "correct again! now, if you take the 'FUCK' out of onion what would you get then ?"

the woman very much confused says "but.... there is no 'fuck' in onion. "

and the man screams "CORRECT! THERE IS NO FUCKING ONION!"



Submitted September 27, 2016 at 07:05AM by NoEyedFish

My friend recently found out that he is both gay and dyslexic...

He is still in Daniel...



Submitted September 27, 2016 at 07:14AM by madazzahatter

My favorite joke from tonight's debate

"you have 2 minutes"



Submitted September 26, 2016 at 11:28PM by Astromechplspls

During her college years, why did Barbie call the technicians when her boyfriend joined a fraternity?

Because he was bro-ken.



Submitted September 27, 2016 at 06:51AM by enfo13

What kind of bear has no teeth?

A gummy bear.



Submitted September 27, 2016 at 04:57AM by JDogg_of_RS

A chicken tried to kill himself...

But he couldn't



Submitted September 27, 2016 at 03:40AM by blupole

Monday, September 26, 2016

Got my boss at work today.

My boss at work have me a work list to focus on for the day. One of the things on the list read, "Clean up dog door bay, it looks rough." So I casually poke my head into his office and said, "Hey man, you missed a golden opportunity. You should've said that the dog door bay looks 'ruff'!" We awkwardly started at each other for a bit before he finally just got up and left. And there I was with my shit eating grin on full blast.



Submitted September 26, 2016 at 10:06PM by Senor_Andy_Panda

My dad joke of the day at work

So I work at a fertilizer plant and we have a weekly team meeting. This one maintenance guy brings in a bearing that failed the week before to show it to us.

My supervisor: "Ahh I see you've come with gifts."

Me: "No, he's come bearing gifts."

Room was filled with laughter and groans.



Submitted September 26, 2016 at 08:57PM by fustercluck9

A monk walks into a bar...

Nah just kidding....

A man goes to join an order of monks.

The head Monk says to the man "This is a silent order. You will only be allowed to speak once, every 15 years."

The man says "Ok" and so begins his time with the silent order.

15 years pass and the man is sitting in the refectory when the head monk approaches and says to the man "It has been fifteen years. What would you like to say brother?".

The man responds, "The porridge could do with a little more sugar." The head monk nods in acknowledgement and walks away.

Another 15 years pass and the head monk finds the man in the dormitory and says "Brother, it has been another 15 years. What is it that you wish to say?".

"The bed sheets are a bit thin." Replies the man. Again the head monk nods in acknowledgement.

Yet another 15 years pass and the head monk sees the man and asks "15 years have passed. Have you anything to say?".

"Well actually I've been thinking about it and I'm leaving the order. It's not really for me." says the man.

"Yes, yes" sighs the head monk "I think that's for the best. You've done nothing but fucking complain since you got here."



Submitted September 26, 2016 at 08:37PM by Masterchrono

I said bring your coffee maker whenever you want

Them: great headphones on planes is heavier than flying over TEAs



Submitted September 26, 2016 at 10:19PM by Mightcro_IDfree_forB

HUSBAND WANTED

A lonely woman, aged 70, decided that it was time to get married. She put an ad in the local paper that read:

HUSBAND WANTED! MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's), MUST NOT BEAT ME, MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME, AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED! ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.

On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman with no arms or legs sitting in a wheelchair.

The old woman said, "You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you... you have no legs!" The old man smiled, "Therefore I can not run around on you!"

She snorted. "You don't have any hands either!"

Again the old man smiled, "Nor can I beat you!"

She raised an eyebrow and gazed intently. "Are you still good in bed?" With that, the old gentleman leaned back, beamed a big broad smile and said, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"



Submitted September 26, 2016 at 07:09PM by No_Mercy_4_Potatoes

There once was a man from Peru

Whose limerick was three lines too few.



Submitted September 26, 2016 at 05:05PM by antonious13

What do you call a bee from the wrong side of town?

A bumblegee



Submitted September 26, 2016 at 08:30PM by plzbabygo2sleep

A car with 3 engineers and 1 computer scientist stalls on the freeway...

The mechanical engineer says: "lets check the carborator, it's probably the carborator" The chemical engineer says: "its most likely the gas line, lets check that" The electrical engineer says: "no, it has to be the car's circuts" The computer scientist thinks for a minute and says: "lets all get out of the car and get back in"



Submitted September 26, 2016 at 04:04PM by wozzy93

It’s so weird that all my life I thought it was “Berenstein Bears.”

It's actually "Chicago Bears."



Submitted September 26, 2016 at 07:47PM by iia

I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey...

but then I turned myself around!



Submitted September 26, 2016 at 08:17PM by JDogg_of_RS

My nephew got my brother

While driving around my brother told my nephew when they got home nephew needed to take a bath.

N: why?

B: because you are dirty, you probably have potatoes growing in your ears

N: what?

B: you have potatoes in your ears

N: what?

B: potatoes grow in dirt, you have dirt in your ears

N: what?

B: you have potatoes in your ears

N: I can't hear you dad

B: YOU HAVE POTAT....facepalm



Submitted September 26, 2016 at 12:39PM by scoo89

Normally I hate those trashy, fake, rigged reality TV shows...

But I might watch the presidential debate tonight anyway.



Submitted September 26, 2016 at 05:09PM by Drumandbass

A man walks into a pub and orders three pints

A man walks into a pub alone and orders three pints. The barkeep looks at him oddly and tells him "You know a pint starts to go flat as soon as it's poured."

The man nods and replies "Of course, but me and my two college mates used to go out drinking together all the time. The last time before we split off, we promised to drink a pint for each of us when we go out drinking."

The barkeep, touched by this, pours the man his three pints. The man became a regular at the pub, and true to his story, every time he came in he'd start with three pints.

One day the man came in and only ordered two pints. When the barkeep brought them to the man he said "My condolences for your loss."

The man looked confused for a moment, then laughed, "Oh no, I just quit drinking!"



Submitted September 26, 2016 at 01:19PM by essidus

Mum: Do you think Starbucks will still accept this old coffee coupon?

Dad: It's worth a shot.



Submitted September 26, 2016 at 05:31PM by rholding

What's the worst part about being gay?

You cant think straight.



Submitted September 26, 2016 at 01:12PM by MoistLagsna

[NSFW] A woman sits down on a plane for a long flight

Sitting in the window seat next to her is a middle aged man. Some time after the plane takes off the man lets out a small "Achoo!". Immediately he unzips his pants, pulls his dick out, wipes it off.

Aghast, the woman is so stunned that before she can speak he's zipped back up, staring out the window like nothing happened. Some time later, she hears "Achoo!". The man quickly pulls his dick out, wipes it off, puts it back.

Three or four times later the shock has worn off and curiosity wins out, the woman finally works up the courage to confront the man.

"Excuse me, sir" she asks, "I can't help but notice your... situation there. Is there something wrong with you? Do you have some sort of problem I should know about?"

"Ah, that. I have a very rare neurological condition, you see" he replies, "Every time I sneeze, I involuntarily orgasm."

"Oh my, that's terrible!" responds the woman. "I'm so sorry! Are you taking anything to control it?"

"Yes" he says, "Pepper."



Submitted September 26, 2016 at 11:44AM by sneaklepete

Having two "Nicks" in the office

Just heard this from a fellow coworker a few minutes ago:

I work on a team that have two "Nicks" in the office. One works in tech support and the other is a paralegal. We all work in the same vicinity. My supervisor was showing her frustration about a program that was not working right and she immediately asked for Nick (tech Nick). Paralegal Nick answered her call but she said that she it was asking for the other Nick.

My coworker, without a beat, said, "We might need to come up with new nicknames."



Submitted September 26, 2016 at 12:19PM by InAWiseManner

A teacher was teaching her second grade class about the government...

So for homework, she told her her students to ask their parents what the government is. When Little Johnny got home that day, he went up to his dad and ask his what the government was. His dad thought for a while and answered, "Look at it this way: I'm the president, your mom is Congress, your maid is the work force, you are the people and your baby brother is the future."

"I still don't get it" responded the Little Johnny. "Why don't you sleep on it then? Maybe you'll understand it better," said his dad.

In the middle of the night, Little Johnny was awakened by his baby brother's crying. He went to his baby brother's crib and found that his baby brother had taken a crap in his diaper. So Little Johnny went to his parents' room to get help. When he got there, he looked through the keyhole to check if his parents were asleep. Through the keyhole he saw his mom loudly snoring, but his dad wasn't there. So he went to the maid's room. When he looked through the maid's room keyhole, he saw his dad having sex with his maid.

Little Johnny was surprised, but then he just realized something and thinks aloud, "Oh! Now I understand the government! The President is screwing the work force, Congress is fast asleep, nobody cares about the people, and the future is full of shit!"



Submitted September 26, 2016 at 08:12AM by cogenix

A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side.

He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons. "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for w itnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."

The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks were delivered.

The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try". A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A woman timidly spoke up. "I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle".



Submitted September 26, 2016 at 06:36AM by Gieller12

My 2,5 yo daughter got my wife in the car

We just picked up our daughter from daycare. My daughter (Abby) is in the back seat yawning.

Wife: "Honey, are you tired?" Daughter: "No, I'm Abby."

Never been more proud of her.



Submitted September 26, 2016 at 12:00PM by ShortTemperedGeek

The look on my mom's face was priceless.

Last saturday, I was at my parents' house to watch the game. While my dad and I are watching, my mom is on her laptop looking at trees to plant in the back yard, and constantly asking my dad what he thinks about every species of tree she comes across. Suddenly, my mom's phone receives several text messages, emails, and app notifications simultaneously. My dad looks at her and says, "Well, aren't you Poplar today? Leaf me alone and go check your phone." I laughed my ass off, as did he. She was not amused.



Submitted September 26, 2016 at 11:54AM by Zaaryk

I took an adderall in my Ford Fiesta...

now it's a Ford Focus



Submitted September 26, 2016 at 10:55AM by jbentleyh

Who isn't allowed to watch PG movies?

Orphans.



Submitted September 26, 2016 at 10:03AM by laresistancecontinue

At a First Date Conversation

At a first date:

He: “I work with animals every day!”

She: “Oh how sweet! What is it that you do?”

He: “I’m a butcher.”



Submitted September 26, 2016 at 06:02AM by innovatexpress

Did you guys know that Sam was a singer?

I for one, never knew that Samsung.



Submitted September 26, 2016 at 09:58AM by honkykat

The 3 generals:

The pentagon said they had too many generals running around, so they decided to get rid of some of them. They offered $10,000 in severance pay for each inch of their body -- to be measured however they chose. The Air Force general went first. He said he wanted to be measured from his head to his toe. He was 69 inches. He received $690,000. Next up was the Army general. He wanted to be measured from the tip of his finger to the tip of his other finger. It was 80 inches. He received $800,000. The two generals were very happy with their earnings. Finally the Marine general came up. He said he wanted to be measured from the tip of his dick to the tip of his balls. The man said, ''Sir, do you know how much the other generals received?'' The general said no. ''Sir, they received $690,000 and $800,000 respectively, are you sure that is what you want measured?'' The general said, ''Just do it!'' The man dropped the general's pants and measured his d**k. When he went for the general's balls, they weren't there. The man said, ''Sir, where are your balls.'' The general said, ''I left them back in Vietnam.''



Submitted September 26, 2016 at 04:52AM by therap321

Not normally a dad-joker, but this was too good to pass up..

Scene: kitchen, mother buttering scones as I converse with her. One breaks apart.

Me: "it's all scone wrong!"

Cue groans



Submitted September 26, 2016 at 10:02AM by floor24

My 6 year old dad joked me

My 6 year old son came running into the room and said, "Dad is your shirt blue?"

"Yes it is buddy."

"Why don't you cheer it up then?" And then he left the room.



Submitted September 26, 2016 at 09:40AM by thebwit

What happens when everyone at the office has to pee at the same time?

They're peeing in-sink.



Submitted September 26, 2016 at 08:20AM by kirillsimin

The legend of the three kingdoms

There were three kingdoms, each bordering on the same lake. For centuries, these kingdoms had fought over an island in the middle of that lake. One day, they decided to have it out, once and for all. The first kingdom was quite rich, and sent an army of 25 knights, each with three squires.

The night before the battle, the knights jousted and cavorted as their squires polished armor, cooked food, and sharpened weapons. The second kingdom was not so wealthy, and sent only 10 knights, each with 2 squires. The night before the battle, the knights cavorted and sharpened their weapons as the squires polished armor and prepared dinner. The third kingdom was very poor, and only sent one elderly knight with his sole squire. The night before the battle, the knight sharpened his weapon, while the squire, using a noosed rope, slung a pot high over the fire to cook while he prepared the knight's armor.

The next day, the battle began. All the knights of the first two kingdoms had cavorted a bit too much (one should never cavort while sharpening weapons and jousting) and could not fight. The squire of the third kingdom could not rouse the elderly knight in time for combat. So, in the absence of the knights, the squires fought. The battle raged well into the late hours, but when the dust finally settled, a solitary figure limped from the carnage. The lone squire from the third kingdom dragged himself away, beaten, bloodied, but victorious. And it just goes to prove, the squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the squires of the other two sides.



Submitted September 26, 2016 at 05:47AM by fyibro

I got voted "Least Likely To Succeed" by my high school class...

Fuck, I hate being a teacher.



Submitted September 26, 2016 at 06:38AM by madazzahatter

A mathematician, a college professor, and a textbook author walk into a bar.

[The punchline is left as an exercise for the reader.]



Submitted September 25, 2016 at 11:54PM by sloppyjoes7

What do you call a stolen Tesla?

An Edison



Submitted September 25, 2016 at 07:38PM by _carrots

Why don't eggs tell jokes?

Because they would crack each other up!



Submitted September 25, 2016 at 07:33PM by sliverytimber

My son wanted to see the orchestra

But I said he couldn't because there was so much SAX AND VIOLINS



Submitted September 26, 2016 at 01:46AM by sad-splinter

Today someone was killed with a starter pistol...

the police think it might be race related.



Submitted September 25, 2016 at 09:52PM by narrowcock

Sunday, September 25, 2016

9 years ago i asked the girl of my dreams out on a date, today i asked her to marry me.

She said no both times.



Submitted September 25, 2016 at 08:28PM by AeroslaksPSN

My cat stepped on my remote and my show stopped playing...

I think she pawsed it.



Submitted September 25, 2016 at 09:33PM by A_perfect_sonnet

Is your refrigerator running?

Because I might vote for it.



Submitted September 25, 2016 at 10:00PM by Tm23246

Was at the barber today.

So the barber asked how I wanted my hair. I replied, Shorter would be nice. I got a good chuckle from that one.



Submitted September 25, 2016 at 11:08PM by Joshuaaww

Helped my son get my wife

Me: "What does a horse say?"

4 y/o: "Neigh!"

Me: "Horses are neigh-sayers?"

4 y/o: "Yup." Runs into the other room. "Horses are neigh-sayers!" (Laughs hysterically)

Wife, not impressed: "What are you teaching him?"



Submitted September 25, 2016 at 08:49PM by gymdykeorbetter

My friends call me an attention whore, but that can't be true

Just look at me!



Submitted September 25, 2016 at 03:02PM by Ravenae

What do you call an alien in a swamp?

A MARSHian



Submitted September 25, 2016 at 09:17PM by ryuguy

got wife driving home with fam from a fall festival

Me: "That was fun. I used to be addicted to these things"

Wife: "Addicted?"

Me: "Until I tried the pumpkin patch"

Wife: *silent no-u-didnt stare



Submitted September 25, 2016 at 05:27PM by xstreamly

A twelve year old boy is walking along the side of a road...

A twelve year old boy is walking along the side of a road. He is dragging a string with him, and attached to that string is a flattened frog. He walks for a few more minutes until he reaches a brothel.

He walks inside and the lady at the front desk immediately stops him and says "I'm sorry son but you are too young to receive any of the services that we offer here. Are you lost? Would you like me to help you find your parents?"

He flashes her a few hundred dollar bills and she says "Well okay then, how can I help you?"

"I would like to sleep with the nastiest woman that you have here. I want the woman with the most stds." He says.

"Well that is certainly odd request," she replies, "but we can most definitely help you with that."

So the boy goes off and sleeps with the most disgusting prostitute of them all and just before he leaves the lady at the front desk stops him.

"Excuse me, I'm sorry but I have to ask. Of all the beautiful women we have here, why did you want to sleep with her?"

He pauses for a moment then responds, "Ok I will only answer because you let me in here. Well when I go home tonight my parents are going to go out to dinner, so they are going to need a baby sitter. Well I am going to fuck the baby sitter and she is going to contract all of the stds I got from that nasty beast I just slept with. When my parents finally return from their night out, my baby sitter is going to need a ride home. So my dad will go and drop her off at her house. But before that happens, my dad is going to convince her to sleep with him as well and then he will receive all of the stds. When my dad gets back he is still going to be a little horny, so he is going to go upstairs and have sex with my mom and all the stds will be transferred to her. Well the next morning after my dad leaves for work and I'm at school, the milkman is going to stop by and drop off the day's milk. Well my mom is going to sleep with the milkman and he is going to contract all the stds that she has, and that's the son of a bitch who ran over my frog."



Submitted September 25, 2016 at 03:09PM by IDynasoar

I had a meeting for my pre-ejaculation problem but I didn't know what to wear...

So I came in my pants



Submitted September 25, 2016 at 06:59PM by cosmiclattee

A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks.....

"Hey, Mate! how long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber look around the shop and says "about 2 hours," and the guy leaves.

A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks..."How long before I can get a haircut?"

Again, the barber looks around at shop full of customers and says"about 2 hours." The guy leaves.

A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About an hour and a half". The guy leaves.

The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says "Hey, Joey, I'll give you a free cut if you follow that guy and see where he goes."

In a little while, Joey comes back into the shop laughing hysterically. The barber says,"this must be good, where did he go when he left here?"

Joey says, "To your house!"



Submitted September 25, 2016 at 02:28PM by No_Mercy_4_Potatoes

I should invest in horse farms,

I heard they have stable profits



Submitted September 25, 2016 at 05:06PM by Worldwide_brony

How can a game development engine racism?

I don't know, but I sure see a lot of posts that say the only way to end racism is with Unity.



Submitted September 25, 2016 at 02:36PM by darkesco

You Know What Is The Difference Between Girls Aged:- 8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58, 68?

At 8: “You Take Her To Bed And Tell Her A Story”

At 18: “You Tell Her A Story And Take Her To Bed”

At 28: “You Don’t Need To Tell Her A Story To Take Her To Bed”

At 38: “She Tells You A Story And Takes You To Bed”

At 48: “You Tell Her A Story To Avoid Going To Bed”

At 58: “You Stay In Bed To Avoid Her Story”

At 68: “If You Take Her To Bed, That’ll Be A Story“



Submitted September 25, 2016 at 02:15PM by jeckn

why would you be a suicide bomber...

And wait for the 72 virgins in heaven... When you could become a catholic preist and have them now!

Source: Jimmy Carr



Submitted September 25, 2016 at 01:49PM by ChucksMeat

I'm not sure faith can move mountains...

But we know what it can do to skyscrapers.



Submitted September 25, 2016 at 01:10PM by SIacktivist

What's brown and sticky?

A stick.



Submitted September 25, 2016 at 01:32PM by itim__office

What did one nose say when the other nose said "I love you"?

"Back achoo!"



Submitted September 25, 2016 at 02:02PM by johngreenink

At the gym

I walked into the gym and see a bunch of ladies working out, I ask the guy who is running the gym, “Sir, what machine should I use to impress the ladies?” He smiles says “Try the ATM in the lobby”.



Submitted September 25, 2016 at 10:15AM by B2King

Wife had a dream she was at a Dick auction.

She told her husband about, "The big ones were going for $100 and the small ones were $1."

"How much did mine go for?" He askes. "There were no bidders." She replied.

The next morning the husband tells his wife "I had a crazy dream I was at a pussy auction, the tight ones were going for $100 and the loose ones were a dollar."

"How much did mine go for?" she asked.

"That's where we had the auction!"



Submitted September 25, 2016 at 07:21AM by ForeignBoyle

Dad asked if he could borrow my deodorant.

I said sure, no sweat.



Submitted September 25, 2016 at 12:02PM by Kopextacy

Excuses are like assholes...

Back in college, a friend, upon being offered my excuse for something long since forgotten, started replying "Excuses are like assholes..."

I interrupted her with "If you don't have one, you get stuck with shit you don't want."

My finest college moment.



Submitted September 25, 2016 at 05:04AM by TASagent

20 Things to do Before You Die...

1) Look at see through glass and when someone is on the other side shout "OH MY GOD, I'M HIDEOUS!" 2) Bring a big chair into the elevator facing away from the door and when someone walks in, dramatically turn and say 'we've been expecting you.' 3) Walk up to someone, hand them a potato, look them in the eyes and deadpan 'with great power, comes great responsibility.' Walk away. 4) Call someone to tell them you can't talk right now. 5) Point at someone and shout "You're one of them!" Run and pretend to trip. Crawl away slowly. 6) Buy a donut and complain that there's a hole in it. 7) Put Mayonnaise in a bowl, freeze it, and tell your friend it's ice cream. 8) Put up a "Lost Dog" poster with a picture of a cat on it. 9) In a public toilet, pass a note under the door next to you saying, "They're onto us. We need to go." 10) Walk up to a random person and say, "Wow! You've changed, I still have your picture from five years ago." And hold up a picture of potato. 11) Call McDonalds asking for directions to Burger King. 12) Order a pizza 5 minutes before New Years, and when it comes, yell, "I ORDERED THIS THING A YEAR AGO! 13) Bring a desk on an elevator. When people try to get on ask if they have an appointment. 14) Go to an electronic store with a banana and say that you want to upgrade to an apple. 15) Call Pizza Hut and ask for the phone number to Domino's. 16) Hide a walk talkie in a bush and scare people that walk by. 17) Get on a crowded elevator with a bag in your hands, sigh and say "darn my snake got loose again". 18) When someone asks you if you know what time it is, say yes and walk away. 19) Dress up as a duck and throw bread at people and say,"HOW DO YOU LIKE IT?!! HUH?!!!! 20) Go to a pet shop, point at an employee, and shout "I WANT THAT ONE MOMMY!!!"



Submitted September 25, 2016 at 07:31AM by therap321

A guy with a gun walks into a bar..

"Which one of you fuckers slept with my wife?!"
A voice from the back shouted "I don't think you have enough bullets, mate"



Submitted September 25, 2016 at 09:29AM by T3d_Bundy