Submitted September 30, 2016 at 08:27PM by HeeyMaan
.........when the wife looks over at him and asks a bold question.
WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"
HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"
WIFE: "Why not - don't you like being married?"
HUSBAND: "Of course I do."
WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
HUSBAND: "Okay, I'd get married again."
WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurtful look on her face).
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan).
WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"
HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."
WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"
WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"
HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."
WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."
WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?"
HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."
She starts fitting into your wife's clothes.
A wife had just made her husband a nice breakfast as she was in need of a few things and her husband was just a complete A** Hole.
So, the husband is reading the paper, and the wife says, "Honey, you know that new washing machine we just bought, well something is wrong with it, it won't go into the spin cycle and I was hoping you could take a look at it and see if you could fix it."
Husband lowers the news paper and says, "What do I look like, the Maytag repair man, you call up the place where we bought that washer and you have somebody come out and fix it."
Wife continues, "Honey, you know that truck we just got, well it won't go into reverse, I was hoping you could take a look at it and see if you couldn't fix it."
Husband says, "What do I look like, Mr. Good Wrench? You call up the place where we got that truck and you have somebody else come out and fix it."
Husband leaves for work and there is a knock at the door. It is the neighbor, Fred.
Fred says, "I couldn't help but over hear your conversation with your husband and I think I could help you out.. I can take a look at your truck and your washer and I think I can fix them for you."
Wife says, "Oh, Fred that would be wonderful. But what would you want for helping?"
Fred says, "Well you can either bake me a cake or give me a blow job"
Later the husband comes home and wife says, "Fred came over and he fixed the the truck and the washer."
Husband says, "Oh no. Fred never does anything for free. What did he want for helping?"
Wife says, "Well he said I can either bake him a cake or give him a blow job"
Husband says, "And what did you do??"
Wife says, "Well what do I look like, Betty Crocker?"
when the door opens and the professor rolls in a naked dead body of an old man lying face down. He places it in the center of lecture hall and in a stiff voice says
"Before learning human anatomy there are only two important things you need to remember"
"First is you should be fearless", saying this he sticks his finger in the dead-body's butthole and puts it in his mouth.
Seeing this the students are stunned and disgusted, the professor says in a commanding voice
"Everyone line up and do what i just did", hesitatingly every student repeat what their professor did.
After the initial commotion settles down and everyone's had their turn, the professor says
"The second thing you need to remember is having a keen sense of observation, just like how I stuck my index finger in and put my ringfinger in my mouth"
She got worried and asked her mom about that hair.
Her mom calmly said: "That part where hair has grown is called Monkey, be proud that your monkey has grown hair"
The girl smiled. At dinner, she told her sister: "My monkey has grown hair"
Her sister smiled and said: "That's nothing, mine is already eating bananas."
He quickly learned to never book a judge by their cover
So, they letter in.
There were no casualties but a number of crewmen were marooned.
Throw one cigarette off the boat and the whole boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
A flat miner
The Russian tells him, "I have many good animal. Here is Swedish bull, is born black color, but color turns white when grows."
"Over there is American bull. Color when born is red, but become dark brown when full grown."
"And here, Turkish bull. They is born dark brown, but grow up to be light brown color."
The prince says. "I rather like the Turkish bulls. Fine specimens indeed."
"Excellent choice, your majesty. But Turkish bull is special. They is bred for royalty, like you. But if you have royal blood, you must be bonding with bull calf when young, before they change color. Or they will reject you." The Russian explains.
"Well", the prince says, "I'm looking for a strong, adult bull. I'm not particularly interested in buying a calf. I rather like this big, beige bull over here."
The prince attempts to pet the large Turkish bull. It sniffs his hand, shakes its head in disgust, turns around and kicks the prince with its hind legs.
The prince goes flying across the room and lands in a pile of hay.
"Where did you get such a horrible beast?! Why did it kick me!?" He sputters.
"I told you. From Turkey." The Russian explains. "Is tan bull, can't stand a noble."
He just couldn't see himself making it to work.
Unfortunately, I had to dial the help line.
"G'day this is Tim, you've reached the Aussie help line. How can we help ya?"
I told him, "We were in the ocean and my wife was stung by a jellyfish on her lady parts. Her vagina is completely swollen shut. It's our honeymoon, and well....ya know."
The guy on the help line replies, "Ah, bummer mate!"
I say, "I hadn't thought of that! Thanks for the advice. You've saved my honeymoon!"
The woman says "yes!"
The man then asks "Would you have sex with me for one dollar?"
"NO! what do you think I am?!" she reply's
"I think we already established that, now we're just negotiating"
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting: "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person. Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general, and all in the name of humor!" The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little shit on your knee."
(I did not write this myself but thought it might belong here)
“Son, we need to have a chat about Internet Safety.” I slowly crumpled down onto the floor next to him. His laptop was open and he was playing Minecraft on a public server. His eyes were locked into the action. Comments scrolled down the side of the screen in a chat box. “Son, can you stop your game for a minute?”
He exited the world, closed the laptop, and looked up at me. "Dad, is this going to be another cheesy scary story?"
"Whhaaaat?" I faked hurt feelings for a second, and then grinned at him, "I thought you liked my cautionary tales?" He grew up listening to my stories about children who encountered witches, ghosts, werewolves, and trolls. Like many generations of parents, I used scary stories to reinforce morals and teach lessons about safety. Single dads like me should use all the parenting tools at their disposal.
He scrunched his face a little, "They were fine when I was six. But now that I'm getting older, they don't scare me anymore. They seem kinda silly. If you are going to tell a story about the Internet, can you make it really, really scary!?” I squinted at him incredulously. He folded his arms, “Dad. I’m ten and I can handle it."
"hmm… okay... I’ll try."
I began, “Once upon a time, there was a boy named Colby….” His expression indicated that he wasn't impressed with the terror of the introduction. He sighed deeply and settled in for one of Dad’s cheesy stories. I continued...
Colby went online and joined several children's websites. After a while, he started talking to other kids in-game and on the message boards. He made friends with another ten year old boy named Helper23. They liked the same video games and shows. They laughed at each other's jokes. They explored new games together. After several months of friendship, Colby gave Helper23 six diamonds in a game they were playing. This was a very generous gift. Colby's birthday was coming up and Helper23 wanted to send him a cool present in real life. Colby figured it wouldn't hurt to give Helper23 his home address - as long as he promised not to tell it to any strangers or grownups. Helper23 swore he wouldn't tell anyone else, not even his own parents, and set about mailing the package.
I paused the story and asked my son, "Do you think that was a good idea?” “No!" he said shaking his head vigorously. In spite of himself, he was getting into the story.
Well neither did Colby. Colby felt guilty about giving away his home address - and his guilt began to grow. And grow. By the time he put on his pajamas the next night, his guilt and fear were larger than anything else in his life. He resolved to admit the truth to his parents. The punishment would be steep, but it was worth it to have a clear conscience. He squirmed in his bed as he waited for his parents to tuck him in.
My son knew the scary part was coming up. In spite of his tough talk, he leaned forward wide-eyed. I spoke quietly and deliberately.
He heard all the noises of the house. The washing machine bounced around in the laundry room. Branches scraped against the brick outside his room. His baby brother cooed in the nursery. And there were some other noises he couldn't... quite... pinpoint. Finally, his dad’s footsteps echoed down the hall. “Hey Dad?” He called out nervously. “I have something to tell you.” His dad stuck his head in the doorway at a weird angle. In the darkness, his mouth didn't seem to move and the eyes were all wrong. "Yes, son" The voice was way off, too. "Are you okay, Dad?" The boy asked. "Uh-huh" sung the father in his strangely affected voice. Colby pulled his covers up defensively. "Ummm... Is Mom around?" "Here I am!" Mom's head popped into the doorway below Dad's. Her voice was an unnatural falsetto. "Were you about to tell us that you gave our home address to Helper23? You shouldn't have done that! We TOLD you never to give out personal information on the Internet!" She continued, "He wasn't really a kid! He just pretended to be one. Do you know what he did? He came to our house, broke in, and murdered both of us! Just so he could spend some time with you!" A fat man in a wet jacket emerged in the child's doorway holding the two severed heads. Colby shrieked and gasped as the man dropped the heads on the ground, unsheathed his knife, and moved into the room to work on the boy.
My son screamed too. He twisted his hands defensively over his face. But we were just getting started with the story.
After several hours, the boy was almost dead and his screams had become whimpers. The killer noticed the wailing of a baby in another room and removed his knife from Colby. This was a special treat. He had never murdered a baby before and was excited about the prospect. Helper23 left Colby to die and followed the cries through the house like a homing beacon. In the nursery, he walked to the crib, picked the baby up, and held it in his arms. He moved towards the changing table to get a better look. But as he held the baby, the crying died down. The baby looked up and smiled. Helper23 had never held a baby, but he gently bounced it in his arms like a pro. He wiped his bloody hands on the blanket so he could stroke the baby's cheek, "Hey there, sweet little guy." The beautiful rage of sadism melted into something warmer and softer. He walked out of the nursery, took the baby home, named him William, and raised him as his very own.
After I finished the story, my son was visibly shaken. Between ragged staccato breaths, he stammered, "But Dad, MY name's William." I gave him a classic dad-wink and tousled his hair. "Of course it is, son." William ran up the stairs to his bedroom in a fury of sobs.
But deep down... I think he liked the story
After a series of x-rays, the radiologist discovered the man had several plastic horses in his anus.
The doctors have declared his condition as "stable".
The Chinese built a huge wall, and they have almost no Mexicans in their country.
"And I have a math test", I told her. "What?", she replied, "What does that have to do with anything?".
"Oh", I said, "I thought we were both naming things we would cheat on."
I don't know, but we'll find out November 8, 2016.
My SO got me tonight as follows:
Me: We have too much to carry. If only people had evolved four arms. Wouldn't that be cool?
Her (with shit-eating grin): We do have forearms...
She then proceeds to display her arm to me Vanna-White-style.
A man is driving around the New York City late one night looking for a prostitute. He pulls over at a corner and sees what may be the most gorgeous woman he's ever laid eyes on. The man says, "you are one of the most beautiful girls I've ever seen out here, I've gotta ask, how much do you charge for a handjob?" The woman responds that it'll be $100. The man is shocked and asks why it's so expensive. The woman points to a Mercedes on the other side of the street and says, "see that car over there, my handjobs paid for that." So the man agrees and the woman gives him the most amazing handjob he's ever had. The next day, the man can't stop thinking about the night before and decides to go back again. This time he pulls up and says, "I know it's going to be expensive, but I have to ask, how much for a blowjob?" The woman responds that it's $500 and says "see that townhouse over there? My blowjobs paid for that." The man just can't refuse and the prostitute proceeds to give him the most mind-blowing blowjob he's ever had in his life. Before he leaves, the man says "I have to know, if you're handjobs and blowjobs are that expensive, how much do you charge for sex?" The prostitute responds, "see Manhattan over there? If I had a pussy, I would own that whole island."
I never should have given dad my username.
Those things drive me up the fucking wall.
He sits down and strikes up a conversation with the bartender "hey, wanna make a bet?" The bartender shows some interest "What's the bet?" The guy tells the bartender "if I can ask myself a question and answer it, you have to give me a free drink" The bartender looks at the guy strange "that sounds like a stupid bet" "But" the guy adds " if you can ask yourself a question and answer it, I'll pay twice the price for the drink" "Oh, I get it now" the bartender said "well, since you proposed this bet why don't you start first?" The guy nodes "alright" He then ask him self the question "how can a rabbit dig a hole without pushing any dirt out the top?" The guy then answers "it starts from the bottom" "Wait a minute" the bartender said "how'd it get to the bottom then?" The guy grins "I don't know, that's your question"
Three women go down to Mexico one night to celebrate college graduation. They get drunk and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning – though none of them can remember what they did the night before.
The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if she has any last words. She says, “I just graduated from Trinity Bible College and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent.” They throw the switch and nothing happens. They all immediately fall to the floor on their knees, beg for forgiveness, and release her.
The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words. “I just graduated from the Harvard School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent.” They throw the switch and again, nothing happens. Again they all immediately fall to their knees, beg for forgiveness and release her.
The last one, a blonde, is strapped in and says, “Well, I’m from the University of Texas and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I’ll tell ya right now, ya’ll ain’t gonna electrocute nobody if you don’t plug this thing in.”
Two builders are seated either side of a table in a rough pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar.
The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit.
Chris: 'I reckon he's an accountant. '
James: ‘No way - he's a stockbroker. '
Chris: ‘He's no stockbroker. A stockbroker wouldn't come in here. '
The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Chris and he makes for the toilet. On entering the toilet, he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal. Curiosity and the several beers get the better of the builder.
Chris: ' 'Scuse me... no offence meant, but me and my mate were wondering what you do for a living.'
Suit: ‘No offence taken. I'm a logical scientist by profession. '
Chris: 'Yeah, so what's that then. '
Suit: 'I'll try to explain by example. Do you have a goldfish at home?'
Chris: 'Er... mmm... well yeah, I do as it happens. '
Suit: 'Well, it's logical to assume that you keep it in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it?'
Chris: 'It's in a pond'
Suit: 'Well then, it's logical to suppose that you have a large garden then?'
Chris: 'As it happens, yes I have got a big garden.'
Suit: 'Well then, it's logical to assume that in this town if you have a large garden then you have a large house?'
Chris: ‘As it happens I've got a five-bedroom house... built it myself.'
Suit: 'well, given that you've built a five-bedroom house it is logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you're probably married.'
Chris: 'Yes, I am married. I live with my wife and three children.'
Suit: 'Well then, it's logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis.'
Chris: 'Yep! Four nights a week. '
Suit: 'Well then, it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate very often?'
Chris: ‘Me? Never!'
Suit: 'Well, there you are, that's logical science at work.'
Chris: 'How's that then?'
Suit: 'From finding out that you had a goldfish. I've told you about the size of the garden you have, the size of house, your family and your sex life. '
Chris: 'I, see. That's pretty impressive... thanks mate.'
Both leave the toilet and Chris returns to his mate.
James: 'I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?'
Chris: 'Yep! He's a logical scientist.'
James: 'What's that then?'
Chris: 'I'll try to explain. Do you have a goldfish?'
James: 'Nope. '
Chris: 'Well then, you're a wanker.'
None, because they can't climb the ladder.
He would say "Don't come running to me if you get your legs cut off!".
I mean, what porpoise do they serve?
No matter what this husband did in bed, his wife never achieved an orgasm. Since a Jewish wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to consult their Rabbi.
The Rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes the following suggestion: Hire a strapping young man.
While the two of you are making love, have the young man wave a towel over you.
That will help your wife fantasize and should bring on an orgasm.' They go home and follow the Rabbi's advice.
They hire a handsome young man and he waves a towel over them as they make love. It does not help and the wife is still unsatisfied. Perplexed, they go back to the Rabbi. 'Okay,' he says to the husband, 'Try it reversed.
Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them'. Once again, they follow the Rabbi's advice. They go home and hire, the same strapping young man.
The young man gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves the towel.
The young man gets to work with great enthusiasm and soon she has an enormous, room-shaking, ear-splitting screaming orgasm. The husband smiles, looks at the young man and says to him triumphantly, 'You see that, you schmuck? THAT'S how you wave a towel!!'
Do you smoke? No.
Do you eat too much? No.
Do you go to bed late? No.
Do you have affairs with promiscuous women? No.
Then why would you want to live more than 100 years?
"Let's have sex with a cat?" asked the zoophile.
"Let's have sex with the cat and then torture it," says the sadist.
"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it and then kill it," shouted the murderer.
"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it and then have sex with it again," said the necrophile.
"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it, have sex with it again and then burn it," said the pyromaniac.
There was silence, and then the masochist said: "Meow."
When I expressed my confusion he told me it was "his random answer"
Our boys got bags with new toothbrushes and stuff from their dentist visit. Out oldest looked inside and said "hey, it cane with floss!"
Without looking up from the TV, I blurted out "that's floss-some".
She found a wok a roommate had bought in one of the cupboards. This ensued:
Gf: "We have a wok?"
Me: "A walk?"
Gf: "A wok."
Me: "A walk? That's a stupid name for a pot."
Gf: "It's not a pot, it's a wok."
Me: "A walk?"
At this point she just rolled her eyes.
Later on, as she was putting knives away, I added, "You should get a sit, maybe it would work better."
Tl;dr girlfriend doesn't want to walk
But he had no idea what to do once he got to third base.
Anyone can roast beef.
This came to me this morning. I'm sure somebody has come up with it before, but for me it's original content.
If a sheep is having a dialogue in its own head, is that called internal bleating?
He says, "Where's your bin?"
The Chinese man replies, "I bin watching TV."
"No, where's your dustbin?"
"I told you. I dustbin watching TV!"
"Where's your wheelie bin?" The binman asks, getting agitated.
"Okay, okay. I wheelie bin having a wank."
Long story short we both got into an argument and I ended up saying my opinion in the worst way possible (I didn't insult her or anything, but looking back it was a pretty awful way to word stuff) and she ended up in tears. Then some confessions came out and we both ended up in tears. Needless to say we cried a lot, but we made up and snuggled into bed to just hold each other.
Her: "Well it was a productive evening at least."
Me: "Yeah, you could say it was a tear-ductive evening."
Her eyes rolled so hard she almost started crying again.
Last weekend I was out with my girlfriend and her parents (first time meeting the parents). The topic of conversation turned toward the bracelets my girlfriend wears.
GF: They have to be worn in odd numbers.
Me: It's because she can't even.
My girlfriend and her Mom rolled their eyes while her Dad chuckled.
By walking... jk rolling
An engineer who was unemployed for a long time decided to open a medical clinic. He puts a sign outside the clinic: "A cure for your ailment guaranteed at $500; we'll pay you $1,000 if we fail." A Doctor thinks this is a good opportunity to earn $1,000 and goes to his clinic. Doctor: "I have lost my sense of taste." Engineer: "Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth." Doctor: "This is Gasoline!" Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500." The Doctor gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days later to recover his money. Doctor: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything." Engineer: "Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth." Doctor: "But that is Gasoline!" Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500." The Doctor leaves angrily and comes back after several days, more determined than ever to make his money back. Doctor: "My eyesight has become weak." Engineer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for this. Take this $1,000," passing the doctor a $500 note. Doctor: "But this is $500..." Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your vision back! That will be $500."
I got home after failing an algebra exam and I told my dad "I'm gonna get acute depression if I see a proof one more time."
He said to me "You would get obtuse depression if you were doing the math we did in my days."
Just when I thought my day couldn't get any worse.
One day, a wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman. Naturally, she was very upset. “You are a disrespectful pig!” she cried. “How dare you do this to me! I’m a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I’m leaving you. I want a divorce right away!” The husband replied, “Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened.” “Go ahead,” she sobbed, “but they’ll be the last words you’ll say to me!” So the husband began, “Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn’t eaten for three days. So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night. The ones you wouldn’t eat because you’re afraid you’ll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments! Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don’t wear because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don’t wear because I don’t have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don’t wear just to annoy her and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don’t wear because someone at work has a pair the same.” The husband took a quick breath and continued, “She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said…” “Do you have anything else that your wife doesn’t use?”
We've been watching the Flash, which is awful TV at its finest. You'd expect anyone to watch this to enjoy some good punnery, but that's not the case. I texted this to my girlfriend and got a condescending "Oh, honey..." in response.
My text: "If someone sculpted Barry Allen out of clay, you could call him Adobe Flash."
I swear she loves me but I don't always know why.
Sits down and orders a drink when another patron asks him if he'd like to be regaled with some music. The guy says "sure", so the patron reaches into his pocket and places a tiny piano on the bar. He then reaches into his other pocket and places a ten inch pianist behind the piano who then begins to shred the keys, filling the bar with best music the man had ever heard. "Where the hell did you get something like that?" the man asked. "Well, I have a genie that grants me wishes. Would you like one?" the patron replied. "Of course I would!" said the man. So the patron places a lamp into the man's hand and out pops a genie. "You're wish is my command" the genie's voice booms and the man proceeds to ask for "ten million bucks". POOF! Ten million ducks proceed to walk into the bar. The man turns to the patron, exasperated and says "what the hell your genie is broken. I asked for ten million bucks and he gave me ten million ducks" and the patron responds "yeah, ya think I really asked for a ten inch pianist?"
You should've seen the look on her face as i drove pasta!
They don't reject any type-O's
Because it had a bad driver! drops mic
A neck romancer.
So I have a bad habit of opening a cabinet door to put dishes away or take some out and forgetting to close the cabinet door I just opened. My gf and I got a cat maybe two months ago and she's getting big enough where she's learning that she can jump up on almost all of our furniture. I got scolded yesterday for forgetting to close a cabinet door as my gf is worried the cat will learn she can jump up on the counter and will go in our cabinets and break stuff. My gf looked at me and said "Babe, you've got to remember to shut the cabinet doors. If you don't then the cat will get all up in the cabinets and ruin everything. That'd be a cat-tastrophy." I was so proud, she's definitely the one :)
Since then I've got a dog, I bought a new motorbike, shagged two women and blown a grand on drugs and drink. She'll go fucking mental when she gets home from work.
But after looking through her knicker drawer and finding a nurse's outfit, a French maids outfit, and a police woman's uniform, I finally decided; if she can't hold down a job, she's not for me.
Background: she's learning about magnets and how they stick together. She is also learning about anatomy. Finally, she has a two month old baby brother... all of these things are relevant.
She was playing with the magnets and put one next to her brother and says "He doesn't have stick, but he does have test-STICK-les"
It was her first proper dad joke.
When suddenly, the polar bear falls in some water he starts to panic and says, "Help, I'm dissolving!" the black bear replies with, "No you aren't bears are insoluble!" the polar bear says, "That's easy for you to say, you're non-polar!".
A bakery owner hires a young female shop assistant who liked to wear very short skirts and thong panties.
One day a young man enters the store, glances at the shop assistant and at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing her short skirt and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea. "I'd like some raisin bread please," the man says. The shop assistant nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread located on the very top shelf. The man standing almost directly beneath her is provided with an excellent view, just as he thought. When she descends the ladder, he decides that he had better get two loaves.
As the shop assistant retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what's going on and requests his own loaf of raisin bread.
After many trips she is tired and irritated and begins to wonder, "Why the unusual interest in the raisin bread?" Atop the ladder one more time, she looks down and glares at the men standing below. Then, she notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd.
Thinking that she can save herself another trip, she yells at the elderly man, "Is it raisin for you too?"
"No," he stammers, "But it's quiverin' a little."
I asked him if the word is masculine or feminine
I said, "probably failing my driving test."
Fred and George Weasley.
Beer nuts are a dollar fifty. Deer nuts are always under a buck...
I'll see myself out now.
The waitress approaches their table and the president orders drinks for them.
"We'll need 2 beers and 1 beer please."
The waitress looks confused. "So you need 3 beers?"
The president is also confused. "What the hell is 3?"
A helicopter with a pilot and a single passenger was flying around above Seattle when a malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's navigation and communications equipment.
Due to the darkness and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position and course to get back to the airport.
The pilot saw a tall building with lights on and flew toward it, the pilot had the passenger draw a handwritten sign reading, "WHERE AM I?", and hold it up for the building's occupants to see.
People in the building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window.
Their sign said, "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."
The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely.
After they were on the ground, the passenger asked the pilot how the "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER" sign helped determine their position.
The pilot responded, "I knew that had to be the Microsoft support building, they gave me a technically correct but entirely useless answer."
To preface, we work at a coffee shop. A somewhat picky customer comes up and orders a 16 ounce chai tea latte, with soy milk. My coworker tells me all of this, and that the customer would like the drink at exactly 140°F. I make the drink, and call it out to be picked up: "16 ounce soy milk chai!"
My coworker comes over and says, "Hopefully she likes it, I've had to remake her drink a couple times before." I replied with:
"Well I certainly chai-ed soy hard when I made it."
Eye rolling and groans all around while I grinned ear to ear.
And as I walked in I noticed a long queue to the back door, and heard a lot of shouting. I walk up to the bartender and ask him, "Whaddya got going on back there? Some kind of fight club?" And he said "yeah, and that's the punch line."
"Oh darn, I'm sorry to hear that you're having trouble dressing yourself."
CW 1: we need 11, I have 4 right here, so we just need to make a few more
Me: So we got about a third of what we need
CW 2: Quit it with the fractions DarkStrobeLight
Me: do I half to? (Laughing maniacally)
CW 1: it's too early for this shit
HA ha hee! ;)
My roommates and I were passing the study room in our apartment and we noticed that the AC was blasting and the room felt like an icebox. I asked "Why is it always so cold in there?"
And one of my roommates responds "because it's a cool place to study." My other roommates and I just groan and roll our eyes.
This joke never gets old, just like the baby!
As we get in her car and I ask her "Did I leave my hat in here?"
She replies: "Yes, I've been keeping it cap-tive." Then smirked really hard and looked away.
He told his 3 bodyguards that he was going to travel for a few days. When he came back he assembled them in a room and asked the first one to take off his pants, his dick was fine so he dismissed so he said ''YES SIR'' and left the room, the second one was asked the same thing and his dick was fine as well so he dismissed him, again he said ''YES SIR'' and left the room. The third one's dick was fine as well. The rich guy was confused but he dismissed him anyways the bodyguard said ''Yeth Thir'' and left the room.
Well tesla said it first anyways.
Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump go into a bakery.
As soon as they enter the bakery, Hillary steals three pastries and puts them in her pocket. She says to Donald, "See how clever I am? The owner didn't see anything and I don't even need to lie.” I will definitely win the election.
The Donald says to Hillary, "That's the typical dishonesty you have displayed throughout your entire life, trickery and deceit. I am going to show you an honest way to get the same result."
Donald goes to the owner of the bakery and says, "Give me a pastry and I will show you a magic trick." Intrigued, the owner accepts and gives him a pastry. Trump swallows it and asks for another one. The owner gives him another one. Then Donald asks for a third pastry and eats that, too.
The owner is starting to wonder where the magic trick is and asks, "What did you do with the pastries?" Trump replies, "Look in Hillary's pocket"
The Voyager probe, flying away from Earth at an estimated 62000 km per hour.
A Lou-ouija board.
"Yeah, if that happens every Disney movie will have to have 140 chatacters!"
Shouted the man in the street, standing in front of boxes filled with vegetables trying to get people to buy them.
A woman then walks up to him and asks "Can I have 4 tomatoes, 4 potatoes, and 4 onions please ?"
the man says to her: "well I am very sorry but we don't have any onions left, we have tomatoes, we have potatoes, but we're totally out of onions"
the woman then says "oh well, then I will have two tomatoes, two potatoes and two onions please"
the man says "miss I am sorry but like I said we do not have any onions left"
the lady then says "oh I must have miss heard you, then I would have one tomato, one potato and one onion, please."
the man gets a little but frustrated with the lady and says "alright, let's play a game, if you take the 'omato' out of tomato, what do you get?"
the woman confused says "you would get 't' "
the man says "correct, and if you would take the 'otato' out of potato, what would you get ?"
the woman says "you would get 'p'"
the man then says to her "correct again! now, if you take the 'FUCK' out of onion what would you get then ?"
the woman very much confused says "but.... there is no 'fuck' in onion. "
and the man screams "CORRECT! THERE IS NO FUCKING ONION!"
He is still in Daniel...
Because he was bro-ken.
My boss at work have me a work list to focus on for the day. One of the things on the list read, "Clean up dog door bay, it looks rough." So I casually poke my head into his office and said, "Hey man, you missed a golden opportunity. You should've said that the dog door bay looks 'ruff'!" We awkwardly started at each other for a bit before he finally just got up and left. And there I was with my shit eating grin on full blast.
So I work at a fertilizer plant and we have a weekly team meeting. This one maintenance guy brings in a bearing that failed the week before to show it to us.
My supervisor: "Ahh I see you've come with gifts."
Me: "No, he's come bearing gifts."
Room was filled with laughter and groans.
Nah just kidding....
A man goes to join an order of monks.
The head Monk says to the man "This is a silent order. You will only be allowed to speak once, every 15 years."
The man says "Ok" and so begins his time with the silent order.
15 years pass and the man is sitting in the refectory when the head monk approaches and says to the man "It has been fifteen years. What would you like to say brother?".
The man responds, "The porridge could do with a little more sugar." The head monk nods in acknowledgement and walks away.
Another 15 years pass and the head monk finds the man in the dormitory and says "Brother, it has been another 15 years. What is it that you wish to say?".
"The bed sheets are a bit thin." Replies the man. Again the head monk nods in acknowledgement.
Yet another 15 years pass and the head monk sees the man and asks "15 years have passed. Have you anything to say?".
"Well actually I've been thinking about it and I'm leaving the order. It's not really for me." says the man.
"Yes, yes" sighs the head monk "I think that's for the best. You've done nothing but fucking complain since you got here."
A lonely woman, aged 70, decided that it was time to get married. She put an ad in the local paper that read:
HUSBAND WANTED! MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's), MUST NOT BEAT ME, MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME, AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED! ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.
On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman with no arms or legs sitting in a wheelchair.
The old woman said, "You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you... you have no legs!" The old man smiled, "Therefore I can not run around on you!"
She snorted. "You don't have any hands either!"
Again the old man smiled, "Nor can I beat you!"
She raised an eyebrow and gazed intently. "Are you still good in bed?" With that, the old gentleman leaned back, beamed a big broad smile and said, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"
The mechanical engineer says: "lets check the carborator, it's probably the carborator" The chemical engineer says: "its most likely the gas line, lets check that" The electrical engineer says: "no, it has to be the car's circuts" The computer scientist thinks for a minute and says: "lets all get out of the car and get back in"
It's actually "Chicago Bears."
While driving around my brother told my nephew when they got home nephew needed to take a bath.
B: because you are dirty, you probably have potatoes growing in your ears
B: you have potatoes in your ears
B: potatoes grow in dirt, you have dirt in your ears
B: you have potatoes in your ears
N: I can't hear you dad
B: YOU HAVE POTAT....facepalm
But I might watch the presidential debate tonight anyway.
A man walks into a pub alone and orders three pints. The barkeep looks at him oddly and tells him "You know a pint starts to go flat as soon as it's poured."
The man nods and replies "Of course, but me and my two college mates used to go out drinking together all the time. The last time before we split off, we promised to drink a pint for each of us when we go out drinking."
The barkeep, touched by this, pours the man his three pints. The man became a regular at the pub, and true to his story, every time he came in he'd start with three pints.
One day the man came in and only ordered two pints. When the barkeep brought them to the man he said "My condolences for your loss."
The man looked confused for a moment, then laughed, "Oh no, I just quit drinking!"
Dad: It's worth a shot.
Sitting in the window seat next to her is a middle aged man. Some time after the plane takes off the man lets out a small "Achoo!". Immediately he unzips his pants, pulls his dick out, wipes it off.
Aghast, the woman is so stunned that before she can speak he's zipped back up, staring out the window like nothing happened. Some time later, she hears "Achoo!". The man quickly pulls his dick out, wipes it off, puts it back.
Three or four times later the shock has worn off and curiosity wins out, the woman finally works up the courage to confront the man.
"Excuse me, sir" she asks, "I can't help but notice your... situation there. Is there something wrong with you? Do you have some sort of problem I should know about?"
"Ah, that. I have a very rare neurological condition, you see" he replies, "Every time I sneeze, I involuntarily orgasm."
"Oh my, that's terrible!" responds the woman. "I'm so sorry! Are you taking anything to control it?"
"Yes" he says, "Pepper."
Just heard this from a fellow coworker a few minutes ago:
I work on a team that have two "Nicks" in the office. One works in tech support and the other is a paralegal. We all work in the same vicinity. My supervisor was showing her frustration about a program that was not working right and she immediately asked for Nick (tech Nick). Paralegal Nick answered her call but she said that she it was asking for the other Nick.
My coworker, without a beat, said, "We might need to come up with new nicknames."
So for homework, she told her her students to ask their parents what the government is. When Little Johnny got home that day, he went up to his dad and ask his what the government was. His dad thought for a while and answered, "Look at it this way: I'm the president, your mom is Congress, your maid is the work force, you are the people and your baby brother is the future."
"I still don't get it" responded the Little Johnny. "Why don't you sleep on it then? Maybe you'll understand it better," said his dad.
In the middle of the night, Little Johnny was awakened by his baby brother's crying. He went to his baby brother's crib and found that his baby brother had taken a crap in his diaper. So Little Johnny went to his parents' room to get help. When he got there, he looked through the keyhole to check if his parents were asleep. Through the keyhole he saw his mom loudly snoring, but his dad wasn't there. So he went to the maid's room. When he looked through the maid's room keyhole, he saw his dad having sex with his maid.
Little Johnny was surprised, but then he just realized something and thinks aloud, "Oh! Now I understand the government! The President is screwing the work force, Congress is fast asleep, nobody cares about the people, and the future is full of shit!"
He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons. "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for w itnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."
The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks were delivered.
The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try". A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A woman timidly spoke up. "I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle".
We just picked up our daughter from daycare. My daughter (Abby) is in the back seat yawning.
Wife: "Honey, are you tired?" Daughter: "No, I'm Abby."
Never been more proud of her.
Last saturday, I was at my parents' house to watch the game. While my dad and I are watching, my mom is on her laptop looking at trees to plant in the back yard, and constantly asking my dad what he thinks about every species of tree she comes across. Suddenly, my mom's phone receives several text messages, emails, and app notifications simultaneously. My dad looks at her and says, "Well, aren't you Poplar today? Leaf me alone and go check your phone." I laughed my ass off, as did he. She was not amused.
The pentagon said they had too many generals running around, so they decided to get rid of some of them. They offered $10,000 in severance pay for each inch of their body -- to be measured however they chose. The Air Force general went first. He said he wanted to be measured from his head to his toe. He was 69 inches. He received $690,000. Next up was the Army general. He wanted to be measured from the tip of his finger to the tip of his other finger. It was 80 inches. He received $800,000. The two generals were very happy with their earnings. Finally the Marine general came up. He said he wanted to be measured from the tip of his dick to the tip of his balls. The man said, ''Sir, do you know how much the other generals received?'' The general said no. ''Sir, they received $690,000 and $800,000 respectively, are you sure that is what you want measured?'' The general said, ''Just do it!'' The man dropped the general's pants and measured his d**k. When he went for the general's balls, they weren't there. The man said, ''Sir, where are your balls.'' The general said, ''I left them back in Vietnam.''
Scene: kitchen, mother buttering scones as I converse with her. One breaks apart.
Me: "it's all scone wrong!"
They're peeing in-sink.
There were three kingdoms, each bordering on the same lake. For centuries, these kingdoms had fought over an island in the middle of that lake. One day, they decided to have it out, once and for all. The first kingdom was quite rich, and sent an army of 25 knights, each with three squires.
The night before the battle, the knights jousted and cavorted as their squires polished armor, cooked food, and sharpened weapons. The second kingdom was not so wealthy, and sent only 10 knights, each with 2 squires. The night before the battle, the knights cavorted and sharpened their weapons as the squires polished armor and prepared dinner. The third kingdom was very poor, and only sent one elderly knight with his sole squire. The night before the battle, the knight sharpened his weapon, while the squire, using a noosed rope, slung a pot high over the fire to cook while he prepared the knight's armor.
The next day, the battle began. All the knights of the first two kingdoms had cavorted a bit too much (one should never cavort while sharpening weapons and jousting) and could not fight. The squire of the third kingdom could not rouse the elderly knight in time for combat. So, in the absence of the knights, the squires fought. The battle raged well into the late hours, but when the dust finally settled, a solitary figure limped from the carnage. The lone squire from the third kingdom dragged himself away, beaten, bloodied, but victorious. And it just goes to prove, the squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the squires of the other two sides.
Fuck, I hate being a teacher.
[The punchline is left as an exercise for the reader.]
She said no both times.
I think she pawsed it.
Me: "What does a horse say?"
4 y/o: "Neigh!"
Me: "Horses are neigh-sayers?"
4 y/o: "Yup." Runs into the other room. "Horses are neigh-sayers!" (Laughs hysterically)
Wife, not impressed: "What are you teaching him?"
Just look at me!
Me: "That was fun. I used to be addicted to these things"
Me: "Until I tried the pumpkin patch"
Wife: *silent no-u-didnt stare
A twelve year old boy is walking along the side of a road. He is dragging a string with him, and attached to that string is a flattened frog. He walks for a few more minutes until he reaches a brothel.
He walks inside and the lady at the front desk immediately stops him and says "I'm sorry son but you are too young to receive any of the services that we offer here. Are you lost? Would you like me to help you find your parents?"
He flashes her a few hundred dollar bills and she says "Well okay then, how can I help you?"
"I would like to sleep with the nastiest woman that you have here. I want the woman with the most stds." He says.
"Well that is certainly odd request," she replies, "but we can most definitely help you with that."
So the boy goes off and sleeps with the most disgusting prostitute of them all and just before he leaves the lady at the front desk stops him.
"Excuse me, I'm sorry but I have to ask. Of all the beautiful women we have here, why did you want to sleep with her?"
He pauses for a moment then responds, "Ok I will only answer because you let me in here. Well when I go home tonight my parents are going to go out to dinner, so they are going to need a baby sitter. Well I am going to fuck the baby sitter and she is going to contract all of the stds I got from that nasty beast I just slept with. When my parents finally return from their night out, my baby sitter is going to need a ride home. So my dad will go and drop her off at her house. But before that happens, my dad is going to convince her to sleep with him as well and then he will receive all of the stds. When my dad gets back he is still going to be a little horny, so he is going to go upstairs and have sex with my mom and all the stds will be transferred to her. Well the next morning after my dad leaves for work and I'm at school, the milkman is going to stop by and drop off the day's milk. Well my mom is going to sleep with the milkman and he is going to contract all the stds that she has, and that's the son of a bitch who ran over my frog."
So I came in my pants
"Hey, Mate! how long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber look around the shop and says "about 2 hours," and the guy leaves.
A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks..."How long before I can get a haircut?"
Again, the barber looks around at shop full of customers and says"about 2 hours." The guy leaves.
A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About an hour and a half". The guy leaves.
The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says "Hey, Joey, I'll give you a free cut if you follow that guy and see where he goes."
In a little while, Joey comes back into the shop laughing hysterically. The barber says,"this must be good, where did he go when he left here?"
Joey says, "To your house!"
At 8: “You Take Her To Bed And Tell Her A Story”
At 18: “You Tell Her A Story And Take Her To Bed”
At 28: “You Don’t Need To Tell Her A Story To Take Her To Bed”
At 38: “She Tells You A Story And Takes You To Bed”
At 48: “You Tell Her A Story To Avoid Going To Bed”
At 58: “You Stay In Bed To Avoid Her Story”
At 68: “If You Take Her To Bed, That’ll Be A Story“
I walked into the gym and see a bunch of ladies working out, I ask the guy who is running the gym, “Sir, what machine should I use to impress the ladies?” He smiles says “Try the ATM in the lobby”.
She told her husband about, "The big ones were going for $100 and the small ones were $1."
"How much did mine go for?" He askes. "There were no bidders." She replied.
The next morning the husband tells his wife "I had a crazy dream I was at a pussy auction, the tight ones were going for $100 and the loose ones were a dollar."
"How much did mine go for?" she asked.
"That's where we had the auction!"
Back in college, a friend, upon being offered my excuse for something long since forgotten, started replying "Excuses are like assholes..."
I interrupted her with "If you don't have one, you get stuck with shit you don't want."
My finest college moment.
1) Look at see through glass and when someone is on the other side shout "OH MY GOD, I'M HIDEOUS!" 2) Bring a big chair into the elevator facing away from the door and when someone walks in, dramatically turn and say 'we've been expecting you.' 3) Walk up to someone, hand them a potato, look them in the eyes and deadpan 'with great power, comes great responsibility.' Walk away. 4) Call someone to tell them you can't talk right now. 5) Point at someone and shout "You're one of them!" Run and pretend to trip. Crawl away slowly. 6) Buy a donut and complain that there's a hole in it. 7) Put Mayonnaise in a bowl, freeze it, and tell your friend it's ice cream. 8) Put up a "Lost Dog" poster with a picture of a cat on it. 9) In a public toilet, pass a note under the door next to you saying, "They're onto us. We need to go." 10) Walk up to a random person and say, "Wow! You've changed, I still have your picture from five years ago." And hold up a picture of potato. 11) Call McDonalds asking for directions to Burger King. 12) Order a pizza 5 minutes before New Years, and when it comes, yell, "I ORDERED THIS THING A YEAR AGO! 13) Bring a desk on an elevator. When people try to get on ask if they have an appointment. 14) Go to an electronic store with a banana and say that you want to upgrade to an apple. 15) Call Pizza Hut and ask for the phone number to Domino's. 16) Hide a walk talkie in a bush and scare people that walk by. 17) Get on a crowded elevator with a bag in your hands, sigh and say "darn my snake got loose again". 18) When someone asks you if you know what time it is, say yes and walk away. 19) Dress up as a duck and throw bread at people and say,"HOW DO YOU LIKE IT?!! HUH?!!!! 20) Go to a pet shop, point at an employee, and shout "I WANT THAT ONE MOMMY!!!"