He held up two fingers and said, "it's tat two o'clock"...
Submitted September 01, 2016 at 01:01AM by majorshenanigans
He held up two fingers and said, "it's tat two o'clock"...
After filling the washing machine (which was recently purchased), my wife asked me if the load was even.
Me: Doesn't this have an automatic load-evener? Her: I don't think so. Me, grinning like an idiot: So what you're saying is, this washing machine literally can't even?
They hooked up the monitoring belt to her and I asked the nurse if the sensors could send data to my phone. She said no, but I was really hoping for push notifications.
What are the three steps to putting an elephant in a refrigerator?
Open fridge, put an elephant in, close fridge.
What are the four steps to putting a giraffe in a fridge?
Open fridge, take elephant out, put giraffe in, close fridge.
The lion king is having a birthday party. All the animals attend but one. Which animal is it and why?
The giraffe because he's stuck in the fridge.
Sally wants to cross an alligator infested river. There is no bridge and the only way she can get across is by swimming. She swims across and makes it to the other side safely, how?
The alligators are all at the birthday party.
Sally dies anyways. Why?
She got hit in the head by a flying brick.
Damn! Wrong sub again!
The hardest part is always having to act surprised.
My dad, upon seeing the mess I made, said, "It's okay. It was just a snackccident." My mom sighed.
Her response was "guess he had a shitty day". Dad joked by my own wife couldn't believe it.
It's raining really bad right now (we live in Florida). There's rain, thunder & lighting. I was in my bedroom when we hear a loud thunder clap. I heard my daughter scream & I instinctively ran to her room. She sees me, starts to laugh & says "daddy, I wasn't that scared". I reply "sorry baby, I was just checking". She goes "I'm ok, it just shocked me" & then laughed.
Then I was born.
There once was a man who had a job driving a passenger train between two large towns. It could be a very dull job to some, but as the old saying goes, one man's trash is another's gold; he wanted to be a railroad man since he was a boy.
He was a wiz behind the controls of the train, and commanded the 15 car vehicle effortlessly as if he had been born to do the job. He prided himself on the fact that he could bend the rules and speed through curves and grades that made other motormen shiver and back off.
One day however, he wasn't so lucky and came round a bend too fast and derailed his train. He backed off the throttle and braked as much as he could, managing to only have one fatality out of 500 passengers on his train.
Months later there was a trial and he was found guilty of manslaughter in the highest degree, a capital offence in that land, and sentenced to die by electric chair. Punishment came swift, unlike most places, and 3 days after sentencing the former railroader was asked for his last meal.
"I'll have a banana," "Just a single banana?" said the perplexed guard. "The warden will grant you a feast and all you want is that?"
"Just a single banana." he said.
After he downed the fruit, he was strapped into the electric chair an hour later.... The warden hit the switch, lights flickered, and the crackle of electricity could be heard for over a minute...
...but our train jockey instead rose from the chair looking more like he got a stiff massage, rather than be put to death! Well in that nation, the law of the land states that if a man somehow survives being put to death, they must be set free...
...And so it came to pass that our engineer was let go...
And for whatever reason, he got his job back!
So he was back railroading again doing the job that he loved. You'd think he'd have been more cautious with this second chance he'd been given, but you'd also be wrong. Speedy Gonzales with a train license decided to gun his locomotive to hard and send it off the tracks again!
Of course, this time he was tried for the same crime, but at a different time (his was a fair commonwealth and double indemnity was simply unheard of!) So fair was their nation, that the jury came up with the same judgement and punishment. So three days later, when asked for his last meal, the engineer simply said "I'll have 2 bananas..."
Not less than 60 minutes after consuming the last morsel was he strapped into the chair and the switch thrown... And....
He arose from the chair looking a bit jaded, but you'd be hard pressed seeing worse looking drunkards in your hometown.
So of course as with the law of the land, he was set free a SECOND time and for SOME STRANGE REASON, his old rail company gave him his job back...
Well you know what they say right? Third time's the charm?
You kinda know where this one is heading...
That's right, Mario Andretti on rails sped once more in a curve, derailed his train and someone got killed...
...aaaannnndd there was a trial....
....aaaannndd he was found guilty....
....aaannnddd he was sentenced to death by electric chair.....
THis time though, the judge and warden of the jailhouse were wise... They concocted a plan to make sure the motorman would surely fry.
"The warden says you can have anything under the sun for your last meal....so long as it ain't bananas. No banana pudding, banana bread, Bananas Foster, banana flambe, banana tart, banana creme pie, or banana custard!"
"Ok" sighed the somewhat defeated engineer... "Just grill me up a porterhouse steak and some taters... I guess that's a good enough last meal."
"Yep, that's more like it." nodded the guard. "Guess I better let the chaplain know this is really goin' down for real. Better get right with the Lord n' all."
The meal was brought to his cell about an hour and a half later....
What should have been a somber occasion became one of spectacle. The execution chamber gallery in the rickety prison was overflowing with people, cameras and reporters. And while their outward moods were businesslike, the Judge and Warden were giddy with eagerness.
Finally at the appointed hour, appointed minute and appointed second ticked on the clock, the switch was thrown....
Several times the normal power coursed through the wires into the chair and body of the train driver; apparently SOMEONE made a serious upgrade to the facilities for this occasion...
After what seemed to be an eternity, the power was finally cut and the lights returned to their normal glow...
"WHAT THE FUUUUUUUUUUUUU?!?!?!?!?!?!?" exclaimed just about everyone in attendance.
"I made sure you had NO DAMN BANANAS!!" shouted the Warden.
"Yeah, and I even had my brother who is in charge of the local farmers co-op put the kibosh on bananas for 30 miles in all directions of here for the last week!! What the hell?!!"
Our sly engineer cracked a grin.... "Bananas? Well yeah. That's always been my favorite food... But that has nothing to do with why I'm still alive. I don't know why you two smart men can't understand it though...
...after all, even a baby can tell I'm such a poor CONDUCTOR..."
The wife's insisting I quit my job, because she thinks it's cruel we've started testing our new products on rabbits. She's got a point, I suppose...
I work in a hammer factory.
Me: I have to go to the bathroom.
Coworker: Shouldnt drink all that beer in the morning; it's full of Vitamin P.
My wife plays violin and her first rehearsal with a new orchestra is near. She had access to an electronic copy of the music, but wondered whether the orchestra would distribute paper copies at the rehearsal. For orchestras, the section leaders decide when everyone's bows will be moving up vs. down and annotate the music accordingly. Copies of the annotated music are distributed to the players. As a trumpet player who's never needed that kind of annotation, I've always been able to use the originals.
Wife: "String players never play from the originals because we have bowings."
Me: "And wind players have Airbuses!"
Wife: "That joke was just plane awful."
A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continental train.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.
At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying “‘Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket – I'm awfully cold.”
“I have a better idea,” she replied “Just for tonight,…… let's pretend that we're married.”
“Wow!…That's a great idea!”, he exclaimed.
“Good,” she replied…. “Get your own fucking blanket.”
But then I saw her face
It will be called wikileeks.com
The main doctrine: only getting the foods and necessities you wrote down and nothing more...no getting distracted by new items and paying for it. In other word, behave as your "Grocery list".
I'm not letting you out.
I hear Stockholm is wonderful this time of year.
Jesus: The what?? Judas: The supper.. we´re gonna be late for supper.
He wanted a pear for morning tea at school so I gave him one. This afternoon when I picked him up:
Me: "Tomorrow, do you want a pear for morning tea?"
7yo: "A pair of what?"
So proud right now.
The state trooper asks the old woman, "do you have any idea how fast you were going?"
The old woman who could barely see over the steering wheel is hard at hearing and replies, "what?"
The husband sitting next to her says , "he said do you have any idea how fast you were going?" to which she replies, "no."
The state trooper then says to the old woman, "ma'am, I need to see your drivers license."
The old woman replies, "what?" To which her husband says, "he needs to see your drivers license". The old woman says ,"ok" and hands the trooper her license.
The trooper looks at the license and sees that she was from Macon Georgia. The trooper says, "I see you're from Macon, I used to date a woman from Macon back during the war. She was the worst damn lover I ever had".
The old woman who is hard at hearing says, "what?"
The husband leans over and says, "HE SAID HE THINKS HE KNOWS YOU!"
Not long after, a group of builders turned up to start building on the plot.
The family's five-year-old daughter took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking to the workmen. She hung around and eventually the builders adopted the little girl as a sort of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had tea and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. They even gave the girl her very own hard hat and gloves, which thrilled her immensely.
At the end of the first week, the smiling builders presented her with an envelope - containing two pounds in 10p coins. The little girl took her 'pay' home to her mother who suggested that they take the money to the bank the next day to open a savings account.
At the bank, the female cashier was listening to the little girl tell her about her “work” on the building site and the fact she had a “pay packet”. “You must have worked very hard to earn all this,” said the cashier.
The little girl proudly replied, “Yes, I worked every day with Gary, Kevin and Bob. We're building a big house.”
“Oh wow,” said the cashier, “and will you be working on the house again next week?”
The child thought for a moment. Then replied: “I hope so. Provided those wankers at Jewsons deliver the fucking bricks.”
When he handed it to me, I had no idea what to say. "Dad... I'm speechless. This means so much to me." "Hi speechless. I'm dad."
So, my grandfather by the name of Leonard might lose his foot soon, due to diabetes/infection. Not at all hilarious, sure, but me and him have an awesome sense of humor. He lost his toe a few weeks back and I asked him if they placed it in a jar. He said, "No, they made it into stew."
My mother was less than pleased with our toe jokes but that was not the groaning moment.
A series of texts about my grandfather losing the entire foot ensues between my uncles, mom, sister and I. It went like this:
Me: If gramps loses his foot, in the worst case of scenarios, how would I go around asking the OR to put it in a jar? (directed to my sister who's a nurse)
Mom: OMG. Bad.
Sister: Ew. Lol.
Me: Oh man, if in forty years I'm ever at a family reunion all drunk, I'd be doing that. "Come my niece/nephew/grandchild! Speak of all your woes to the foot!"
Mom: STOP! Bad Grandchild!
Sister: You need a nap.
Me: I'd put the foot in an estate so that it can be passed down for many generations. It'll be the GrandPAW of Leo!
A guy is pushing through his usual workout routine in the gym when the phone goes off.
"Hi honey! I just saw that dress I wanted -- it's on sale for only $2,000! We can save almost 900 dollars! Can we get it, pleeeease?"
"Sure honey, anything you want."
"Oh my god, really? Thank you!!!! And the man at the Lexus dealership called and says he can give it to us for $90,000. What should I tell him?"
"Sure honey, sounds good. Make sure everything is included."
"Wow you mean it?! You're the best! Oh, and one more thing! They called about the house again, they are asking for $400,000."
"Tell them $380,000 and see what they say."
"Wow!! Okay!! Thank you sooooo much, I love you honey! I'll see you when I get home -- in our brand new Lexus~!"
"Sounds great. I love you too, honey. Talk to you later. Bye bye."
The man hangs up, finishes his set, and after a moment he stands up and says, "Does anyone know whose phone this is?"
I thought to myself, I can’t turn that down.
They must be right, as everybody is dying to get there.
There used to be two and now it's too offensive to talk about.
...and the thieves took everything, and I do mean everything. The appliances, the furniture, even the toilets. Police had nothing to go on!
(apologies if this is a repost)
Because in charge of scheduling, Yoda was.
As they begin to consummate their marriage, Jim moves straight for anal. Joan stops him "No, that's not the right hole."
"How would you know?" Asks Jim
"I was late after choir practice one day, and Father Henry and I talked about the sins of the flesh. Then he showed me how it was done so I could stay away from it and be wise and virtuous."
"Well that's weird." says Jim. "When we had that discussion, Father Henry put it in my ass."
"My husband's a wrestler," said the first. "He's really strong and aggressive in bed."
"My husband's an artist," said the second. "He's really gentle and sensitive."
"My husband's an IBM salesman," said the third. "He sits on the edge of the bed and tells me how good it's going to be when I finally get it."
I begged the doctor for some advice. He thought for a little bit and said. There's a special clinic about six miles down the road. You could drop her there...
"Will they cure her?"
"No they won't, but if she finds her way home, don't fuck her."
Went into the dentist for tooth pain, was told they are going to extract my upper wisdom teeth. The receptionist scheduled me two weeks from now at 2:30.
"Huh, that's funny."
"My appointment. It's tooth hurty."
Groaning and laughter ensued.
A blonde who finds herself sitting next to a lawyer on an airplane. The lawyer just keeps bugging the blonde wanting her to play a game of intelligence. Finally, the lawyer offers her 10 to 1 odds, and says every time the blonde can not answer one of his questions, she owes him $5, but every time he cannot answer hers, he’ll give her $50. The lawyer figures he could not lose, and the blonde reluctantly accepts.
The lawyer first asks, “What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?”
Without saying a word the blonde hands him $5. The blonde then asks, “What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down the hill with 4 legs?”
Well, the lawyer is puzzled. He takes several hours, looking up everything he can on his laptop and even placing numerous air-to-ground phone calls trying to find the answer. Finally, angry and frustrated, he gives up and pays the blonde $50
The blonde put the $50 into her purse without comment, but the lawyer insists, “What is the answer to your question?”
Without saying a word, the blonde hands him $5.
Chief Moperating Officer!
A guy was nailing his interview when the employer said "well you look great but I see here there was a 7 year gap since your last job, what happened there?".
The guy says "oh I went to yale".
The employer: "oh great!! Well you're hired, you start monday"
Guy: "Yay! I got a yob!"
You have the pope, a preist, the choir boys, and a narcissist, And only 1 parachute. The narcissist grabs the parachute and say's "I'm too important to die" The pope replies "But think about the children" The narcissist replies "Fuck the children!" The preist responds "Do you think we have time?"
My wife and I were laying in bed one night and heard our dog snoring.
My wife mentions that maybe our dog has doggie sleep apnea.
I replied, "Well maybe we should get her a C-Pup..."
A black man walks into a bar with a beautiful parrot on his shoulder.
"That is really special," said the bartender. "Where did you get it?"
"Africa," replied the parrot.
He goes to the doctor and says, "Look, I just can't bring my wife to orgasm in bed, it's a real problem."
The doctor says, "Well, is it too warm?"
"Yes, it's absolutely sweltering"
"Then get some air-con"
"I can't afford air-con, I'm too poor"
"Well, Dave, do you have a good mate?"
"Yeah, I've got a mate Mick"
"Well, ask your mate Mick to stand over you and the mrs with a towel, wafting you both to cool you down, that might help."
So, Dave asks Mick for this favour, who then agrees to help him. That night, Dave is in bed with his wife, pounding away with Mick fanning them with the towel but it's doing nothing for her.
Dave says, "Well this isn't working, let's swap." So Dave takes the towel and starts wafting Mick, who is now shagging Dave's mrs. Not long after, Dave's wife goes "Oooh... oh that's it, I'm about to cum, I'm going to cum!"
Dave shouts, triumphantly, "You see, Mick?! That's how you waft a fucking towel!"
A window user, a Linux user and an apple user all need to change a lightbulb in their respective homes. They split up and the windows and apple user meet back up 5 minutes later
Windows User: Did you get it fixed?
Apple user: No, it can't be cganged so I need to find a new house; how about you?
Windows User: Yeah I changed it, but now the toilet won't flush.
After some time the two become worried because the Linux user hasn't come back yet. They go to his apartment and find him sitting in the middle of the floor with a set of instructions and a box of parts. The Windows user asks what he's doing to which he replies "what does it look like? This lightbulb isn't going to build itself"
Suddenly announced just before school that she needed to take a clean t-shirt to class. She told us that the teacher was going to iron an anti-drug message on it. My wife practically swept through my daughter's room, finding nothing usable but one t-shirt that already had something printed on the side. She sent it off to school with my daughter.
That afternoon, my daughter returned and happily showed off her shirt. On one side it said, "Families are Forever". And on the other, "Be Smart, Don't Start".
So I recently moved into a new neighborhood and it's a pretty nice area. After a couple of weeks, a moving truck pulls up and I realize there's a new girl living in the house next to me. So I walk out and I notice that she's all by herself.
Being the good neighbor I am, I go up and ask, "Hey, I see you don't have any help. Do you need any help with moving your boxes inside?"
And keep this in mind, I'm like a 6/10 on good day while this girl is an easy 9/10. Like this girl can easily be a supermodel.
So I ask if she needs any help and she looks me dead in the eye with the nastiest grimace on her face and says, "Uh... No thanks, I'm good."
"Well ok. No problem. If you need anything, just give a little knock on the door and I'll come out."
So a couple days go by after that failed attempt and this girl's dumb, small chihuahua jumps over the fence and gets into my yard. So I'm thinking, "Ok cranky girl. Round 2, let's go, we got this."
So I take the dumb dog and I bring it over to her house and give the door a knock. She opens the door and with the biggest smile says, "OH MY GOD thank you SO MUCH! I don't know what I would do without him. He's like family to me. I'm so sorry that I was so mean to you the other day. I was having a bad day and took it out on you and I'm so sorry. Please let me make it up to you and take you out to dinner."
So I humbly accept and we end up going out to dinner that night. Now, we don't have much in common. Like, I'm into video games and anime and she's into all this white girl stuff like makeup, Starbucks, and all that other shit. But, we have a good time. And I mean, this girl is WAY out of my league so who am I to complain? So then we hang out more frequently, I visit her and she visits me and now I'm in a good relationship with this extremely hot chick.
A couple weeks go by, we continue this, and I see a moving truck come in from the other direction. I go out to greet the new neighbor and I see a cute girl come out of the moving truck. Now this girl is cute. She isn't supermodel hot, but she's cute. I would say she's like a 7/10. So I go up to her and say, "Hey, I see you don't have any help with moving your stuff in. Is it ok if I help?" Luckily, she says, "Yeah, sure. Um, take this box and put it in the living room. It's the first room to the right, you can't miss it."
So I go to pick up the box and I realize that it's labeled "Video Games." The box wasn't taped very well, so I peek into the box and I'm seeing some serious video games. I'm seeing Final Fantasy 7-9 black label, a mint copy of Illusion of Gaia. Like, what girl even knows what that game is!? So I ask, "Hey, is this a box of your boyfriend's stuff?" and she responds with, "No, I don't have a boyfriend. That stuff's mine so make sure not to drop it." So now I know this girl is actually the coolest girl ever.
So I help the girl move her stuff in and we hang out afterwards. We go out to lunch and we hit it off. We ended up just talking about video games the whole time and it was amazing. Now I have a friend to talk nerd shit with and don't forget, she's a cute as hell 7/10. And I also have this 9/10 girlfriend with me. And again, I'm just a 6/10 so right now, I'm living the dream.
So a couple weeks go by and my girlfriend comes up to me and says, "Hey, so this may sound weird, but I don't want you to hang out with that girl anymore. You're spending a lot of time with her and I'm honestly a little jealous and I want you to spend more time with me."
I tell her, "Well listen, why don't you try to talk to her. If you like me, then you'll like her and then we can all hang out and it'll be great." She says, "Well...alright. I guess I'll give it a shot. I'll try to talk to her tomorrow
So next day, my girlfriend comes up to me and says, "Uh, yeah you can't see that girl ever again."
"Wait, what? Why not? What happened?"
"Yeah she told me that you're hers now and if I ever go near you again, she is going to kill me."
"I think you're overreacting a little bit. She doesn't seem like that type of person"
"She told me, and I quote, that she is going to fucking murder me."
"I can't imagine that it's that serious. I'll try to straighten this out and go talk to her tomorrow."
I go up to 7/10's house the next day and give it a little knock on the door but nobody answers. I try the doorbell, nothing. Give her a call, text her, no answer. So then I call my girlfriend, try to tell her that she wasn't there and I'll try again tomorrow. But again, no answer. So I go over to her house, knock on the door and still no answer. Next day knock* knock* no answer and I don't know what's going on.
So day after day goes by and eventually, week after week and I'm getting nothing. I put in the missing persons but nothing turns up. I call their family and friends and they know nothing. And after weeks of all this, I just give up.
Then I turn the news on one day, and I see the 7/10 girl getting carried away in handcuffs. And, she's covered in blood from head to toe. She's screaming and yelling at the camera saying, "She's dead, you're next." A couple days go by and the autopsy reports are coming in, and its all over the internet. Apparently, not only did she kill my gorgeous 9/10 girlfriend, but parts of her were missing. Chunks of her arms and legs were gone and it seems that the 7/10 girl ate parts of my girlfriend. Bit and chewed into her.
Now I'm thinking to myself that I had the two most amazing girls in my life. And I'm here, 6/10, just worried out of my mind because I can't get the image out of my head of her screaming into the cameras saying, "She's dead, you're next. She's dead you're next." And I'm going crazy, I'm screaming and writing it in blood on the walls, "She's dead, you're next. She's dead you're next." AND I DON'T KNOW WHAT DO DO ANYMORE.
And it begs the question: Why is 6 afraid of 7?
I make fries at Wendy's and I always keep a pen in my pocket, well coworker A needs a pen, so coworker B asks if anyone has one. I say sure, you can use mine. Coworker B says why do you have a pen? Why would you even need one over there? I reply with "Well how else am I supposed to make my signature fries?" Both if them groaned/ laughed.
I was washing dishes, but wasn't being quick enough so my girlfriend insisted she take over. She started washing them a lot faster. As I watched her finish washing a pan, I exclaimed:
"Wow, you're really fast at that! You're all like, wham-bam-thank you pan!"
"Your eyesight is fucking perfect!"
A very dear friend of mine had a significant foot surgery today. Significant to the tune of, it was cut off for a brief period and then reattached. Because I love him like that, help me out with some foot/feet related dadjokes so I can cheer him up over the coming weeks?
He kept dropping sick beets.
I asked her if it saison the bottle
"You know, I won the grand prize in a kitten spanking contest when I was younger."
(surrounded by "wait for it" faces)
"It was a cat-ass-trophy."
Because people are dying to get in.
A bomb vest does something when it's triggered.
..Her neighbor Mr. Johnson peeks over the fence and says "Gee Susie, what's going on?"
Susie says, "I'm digging a hole, it's pretty obvious"
Mr. Johnson asks, "Why are you digging a hole?"
Susie replies, "I'm burying my gold fish"
Mr. Johnson laughs and asks "Why is the hole so big?" Susie replies, "Because my goldfish is inside your fucking cat".
If you burn the koran, you can only get stoned once.
Edit: Please take this with humor, its just a joke.
The leader says, "We are all here today to prove to the world that blondes are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer?"
A blonde gingerly works her way through the crowd and steps up to the stage.
The leader asks her, "What is 15 plus 15?"
After 15 or 20 seconds she says, "Eighteen!"
Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then 80,000 blondes start cheering, "Give her another chance! Give her another chance!"
The leader says, "Well since we've gone to the trouble of getting 80,000 of you in one place and we have the world- wide press and global broadcast media here, gee, uh, I guess we can give her another chance."
So he asks, "What is 5 plus 5?"
After nearly 30 seconds she eventually says, "Ninety?"
The leader is quite perplexed, looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh -- everyone is disheartened - the blonde starts crying and the 80,000 girls begin to yell and wave their hands shouting, "GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!"
The leader, unsure whether or not he is doing more harm than damage, eventually says, "Ok! Ok! Just one more chance -- What is 2 plus 2?"
The girl closes her eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, "Four?"
Throughout the stadium pandemonium breaks out as all 80,000 girls jump to their feet, wave their arms, stomp their feet and scream... "Give her another chance! Give her another chance!"
Being very frugal(cheap), they pinched and scraped to spend the absolute minimum on materials. Then, when they were only partway through the job, they determined that they did not, after all, have enough paint to complete the job. Not wishing to spend any more money if they didn't absolutely have to, they decided they would just dilute the water-based paint they were using so that it would last longer. They did this a couple more times before they finished, which caused striping on the church as the paint got lighter eachtime it was thinned. The painters had just about gotten to the top of thesteeple, when, all of a sudden, the sky darkened, and the rain started to pour down.
As the paint streamed down the sides of the church, a voice boomed from the heavens: "Repaint, you thinners! Repaint, and thin no more!"
Turns out he had a case of the kung-flu.
...must have been all those extra hours I've been putting in.
The CEO of Budweiser walks up to the bar and orders a Budweiser, after which the CEO of Miller orders a Miller. Then the CEO of Carlsberg says to the bartender: "I'll have a glass of water." The others looks baffled and asks him: "Why didn't you order a Carlsberg?". He replies: "Well, since you're not having beer..."
...so I got drunk.
She goes to his bedside and starts crying, "Dad, I'm sorry!"
He looks at her, smiles weakly, and says, "Goodbye, Sorry." He grins. "I'm dead."
Just like one of his characters.
(If this trash of a post hit the front page, the title could really mess with some GoT fans, I'm just saying)
I was having a conversation with a friend about exercise and it goes a little something like this.
Friend: Did you know that the World Health Organization recommends at least 180 minutes of moderate to vigorous exercise?
Me: with a grin on my face Who?
Friend: The World Health Organization.
Me: again with same expression Who?
Friend: getting annoyed THE WORLD HEAL... shoots me the dirtiest look
Immediately, the man chooses wisdom. There is a flash of lightning, he is transformed, but then he just sits there, staring down at the table.
One of his colleagues whispers, "You have great wisdom. Say something!"
The man says, "I should have taken the money."
Girl: "Forgive me father for I have sinned."
Priest: "What have you done my child?"
Girl: "I called a man a son of a bitch."
Priest: "Why did you call him a son of a bitch?"
Girl: "Because he touched my hand."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he touches her hand)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call a man a son of a bitch."
Girl: "Then he touched my breast."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he touched her breast)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl: "Then he took off my clothes, father."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he takes off her clothes)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl: "Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he stuck his you know what into her you know where)
Girl: "YES FATHER, YES FATHER, YES FATHER!!!"
Priest: (after a few minutes): "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl: "But father he had AIDS!"
Priest: "THAT SON OF A BITCH!!!"
He breaks into a house and inside, he finds a young couple in bed.
He ties him to a chair. While tying the wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he’s in there, the husband whispers over to his wife, “Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He’s probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn’t seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don’t resist, don’t complain. Do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he’ll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!”
She responds: “He wasn’t kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he’s gay, thinks you’re cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too.”
I respond "it's because you're eating iceberg lettuce!"
Went to an art show on the weekend with my wife. We were looking at all the abstract paintings and my wife says,
I just don't get it why is the big splotchy painting worth $8,000 our daughter could paint something just like that. Maybe I'm just not cultured enough?
That's not a problem honey you just need to eat more yoghurt!
I came to the realization.
A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar that reads:
CHICKEN SANDWICH: $2.50
HAND JOB: $10.00 He walks up to the bar and beckons one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks. "Can I help you?" she asks. "I was wondering," whispers the man. "Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?" "Yes," she purrs. "I am." The man replies, "Well, wash your hands. I want a cheeseburger."
This is the strangest thing I've ever had on toast.
The doctor tells them theres been a mix up and doesn't know who's baby is who's. The English man runs in and grabs the only brown baby and starts to walk out. The Indian man looks relly confused and says "I'm pretty sure that's not your baby it looks Indian so it's mine". The English man says "I know, but there's not a chance in hell I'm leaving here with a baby that could be Welsh."
"It needs to be used before it goes bad."
Mr.Brotato responds: "Would you say it's no longer in....mint condition?"
... What happens next will shock you
I wish I'd thought of that quote.
"Cuz I got a hole in one."
It still has potential.
She asked Donald Trump to build a firewall.
Their words not mine
As he was about to walk her down the aisle, she turned to him, wiped away a tear, and said, "Can you believe this day has come?"
The dad turned to his daughter and said, "I always knew this day would come, but I never thought you'd get married on it."
Since i was a young boy my father has imposed his religion onto me. I was home schooled because we live in the west and my father wanted me in an environment that was free from anything Haram. I couldn't associate with Hindus or Christians, anyone who ate unclean animals, or any girl. As a teenage guy going through puberty this was naturally a living nightmare. After years of begging from me and pressure from his colleagues, i was finally allowed to attend a very nice coed high school. The only rule was that i had to keep avoiding anything Haram. Being free for the first time i started to celebrate. Ate bacon my first day, had Hindu friends in a week, and within the month i had even met a girl. I was shy and awkward as i could possibly be but she liked me and thought i was funny. She was a little too hipster punk for me, listing to music i've never heard and using words like tubular and bae, but i loved it. Within two months we were dating. It was going great until my father heard about it. The Hindus and bacon he could overlook, but the women to him were really wrong. To him this was too much and he even claimed me of having sex with her. As if it couldn't get any weirder he actually demanded i show him my penis to prove i haven't been having sex. I had to ask him twice to make sure i heard him right. It was awkward but living under his roof i had to do as he commands. I started to go out with her on dates and every time i came home i had to whip it out for dad. It might be insane, but i actually am ok with dicks out for haram bae.
...I'm so excited to be a dad in 9 months!
I was pushing our two year old along the street in her push chair and let an s-bomb slip by accident.
My wife says, "don't talk like that in front of our daughter!"
"It's fine, I'm walking behind her."
The first orders a beer... The second orders half a beer... The third orders one quarter of a beer... The fourth orders one eighth of a beer...
The bartender pours two beers for the entire group, and replies "cmon guys, know your limits.
We came upon some other folks who were furiously tapping on their phones near what was, supposedly, an important location that he "owned".
My son, dejectedly, asked "My Pokemon are not very strong. Can you help me?"
I knelt down, looked at him and said "I am here to defend my Jim."
I said "hey waiter, this coffee tastes like mud".
He said "that's weird, it was just ground this morning"
apparently "An allowance?" wasn't the answer she wanted.
The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.
The man went back to his reading.
A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more.
Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering.
A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again. As before, she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before.
Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, "I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently. Are you OK?"
"I am sorry if I disturbed you. I have a very rare medical condition. Whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm."
The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. "I have never heard of that condition before" he said. "Are you taking anything for it?"
The woman nodded, "Pepper.”
Me: How did the butcher introduce his wife? Me: Meet Pattie! Dad: Meat my wife Dad: She's a cut above the rest
Here's a link to the text convo:
I don't understand what either one is saying, but I know I'll end up seeing stars.
An old man saw a beautiful lady walking down the street of the bar he just walked out of.
He catches up to her and says, "Ma'am, I'll give you $100 dollars if you let me lick your nipples!"
Stunned, she says, "What kind of dirty old pervert are you?? Absolutely NOT!"
The old man, being persistent said "Fine, $1,000 dollars to lick your nipples! That's a fair offer."
To which the lady replied "What kind of woman do you think I am? Leave me alone or I'll call the cops!"
The old man, still not giving up, says "$10,000 dollars to lick your nipples, final offer!"
The lady's eyes got huge and she said "Well.... 10 grand is a lot of money....I guess if no one was around us then maybe...."
The old man says "Great! Let's just go back behind this bar where nobody is and then we'll be out of sight!"
The old man leads the beautiful lady to the back of the bar.
She says, "Let's get this over with."
She drops down her dress far enough to where her breasts are fully exposed.
The old man starts squeezing on them, rubbing his face all over and in between them, pinching the nipples softly with his fingers and kissing all over her breasts.
She finally speaks up and says, "Are you going to lick my nipples or not? Let's get this over with!"
The old man replied, "Nope! Too expensive!"
40 all together."
But I was too busy to go :(
She told a group of us that there was a huge black line down the middle of all the invites, I asked "so I guess black lines do matter?" She hit me, told me I was stupid, then cried. I feel it was worth it.
Would they be called cellfies?
It's already run out of battery.
Phil or was it Doug?
Eileen.. Unless she's from Asian descent and then she would be Irene.
'Forget everything you learned in college. You won't need it working here.'
'But I never went to college.'
'Well then, I'm sorry. You are underqualified to work here.'
The bystander with the camera.
As I got older I realized it was just a phase
when there was a terrible accident. The fire in his forge had gone out of control and set fire to the shop. The blacksmith nearly lost his life. He was bedridden for many months and relied on the help of his children and grandchildren to feed him, bathe him, and take care of all of his needs. Eventually he was able to get back on his feet, though his outlook on life had turned quite grim. He was now able to take care of himself, but he had lost much of his strength and dexterity from the injuries he sustained and he was unable to practice his trade. He fell into a deep depression and he spent most of his days sitting at home in front of the fireplace gazing into the flames, longing for the days when his strong hands could grasp a hammer and strike a hot piece of iron, slowly forging it into a beautiful piece of work.
One evening when the old man was sitting in front of the fire, he heard a knock at the door. It was his granddaughter, whom he hadn't seen in many months. She had overheard her father talking to her mother about how her grandfather was slowly slipping away into depression and hopelessness and she wanted to help. To the old man's surprise, she had brought him a puppy. "I thought that since you're always here all by yourself that you might want someone you keep you company," the granddaughter said. The old man's eyes welled up with tears and the little puppy instantly jumped into his arms and began licking the tears from his face. The old man and his granddaughter spent the next several hours sitting on the floor of his house watching the puppy chase around a rubber ball, bouncing, jumping, panting, and licking. In that short time, the old man had made complete turnaround from being sad, lonely, and hopeless, to smiling from ear to ear, full of joy with his new-found companion. As the hours grew late and the puppy grew tired, the granddaughter said "Well Opa, I'm glad you like your puppy, but it's late and I should be heading home. By the way, what are you going to call him?" "Life," said the old man, "because he has given me a new meaning and joy to mine." The granddaughter kissed her grandfather on the cheek, wished him goodnight, and she left.
Many years passed and all the while, the old man and his little dog were inseparable. Everywhere the old man went, Life was always with him whether it was the post office, the grocery store, and even when the old man went to the barber shop, the little dog would sit patiently until the last hair on the old man’s head had been cut . The granddaughter would often come to visit to see how her grandfather and the dog were doing, and she was always glad to see that her grandfather was still happy. But at night, the old man would still sit in front of the fireplace with Life on his lap, gazing into the fireplace as flames cast dancing shadows across the room and he fell asleep to thoughts of his old smithing days.
One morning as the old man was getting the morning newspaper from the front porch, Life sprinted past him through the front door because he had spotted a squirrel across the street. Before the little dog could catch up with his prey, a speeding car struck the poor animal. The car came to a screeching halt and the old man hobbled as quickly as his old legs could carry them to his precious companion who lay whimpering on the side of the road. The little dog was alive but badly injured. The man who was driving the car got out to apologize to the old man, but his regrets went unnoticed by the weeping old man who only wanted to tend to his injured dog. Life’s two hind legs appeared limp and broken and the dog panted and whimpered as the old man carried him back into the house. The old man knew that his dog’s injuries required medical attention but because he was out of work, he wasn’t able to afford a veterinarian. Determined, the old man did the only thing he knew how to do. He found some of his old blacksmithing tools and scrap metal from his garage and proceeded to start a fire in his fireplace. His hands lacked the strength and precision they once had but eventually, he was able to forge a crude set of brackets that would hold the dog’s legs in place as his injuries healed. The old man tended to dog’s every need until eventually, Life was able to stand up on his own and soon enough, the dog could walk, and after a few more weeks, he could even manage a awkward, limping run. Unfortunately, the old blacksmith’s craftsmanship was lacking due to his own previous injuries and the braces that he had forged would often break when the dog ran too quickly, so the old man found himself back at the fireplace with his tools forging replacement parts for his little dog’s leg braces. It was tiresome, difficult work with his old frail hands, but he was determined to give his dog the best life that he could, so he kept at it.
One day, as the old man was forging a new set of parts for his dog’s leg braces, an ember jumped from the fireplace, catching the carpet on fire. The old man couldn’t get to the kitchen quickly enough to get a pail of water to put the fire out and tragically, the old blacksmith and his dog both perished as the house was engulfed in flames.
The next day, the granddaughter and her father came to where the old blacksmith’s house once stood and they began to search through the ashes and rubble for anything they could salvage as a keepsake of their lost loved one. “You know,” said the girl to her father, “I’m really happy that grandpa’s last years were as joyful as they were. Even though he was really sad that he couldn’t make a living as a blacksmith anymore, he really did seem happy after I brought him that puppy.” “Yes dear,” said the father. The daughter continued, “But isn’t it sad how his house was burnt down when he was making one of those leg braces for his dog?” The father looked down and picked up a small piece of metal from the ashes and said “That’s one of Life’s little iron knees.”
I am forever in your debt.
I'm going through r/dadjokes to find some appropriate for an 8yo. She tried to take my phone and I tell her she can't because there are some with dirty words and her awesome reply is
"They didn't take a shower?"
And we started on about syria. We talked about how the past foreign policy desicions really influenced Syria even though a lot of them were targeted to different countries, and there isn't really a clear solution. We talked and talked, and finally came upon the conclusion that what we've ended up with is a real crISIS
And tells the priest "Father, I almost cheated on my wife."
The priest asks him "How do you almost cheat on your wife?"
The man says "Well, me and the woman were naked but we just rubbed against each other."
The priest looks at him disgusted and says "Rubbing is the same as putting it in. Never do it again, say five Hail Mary's and put $100 in the donation pan."
The next time the priest sees the man he is infuriated "You didn't put $100 in the pan!"
The man looks at the priest disgusted and says "I rubbed the money against the pan, and rubbing is the same as putting it in."
The disappointed salesman of Coke returns from his Middle East assignment. A friend asked, "Why weren't you successful with the Arabs?"
The salesman explained, "When I got posted in the Middle East, I was very confident that I will make a good sales pitch as Cola is virtually unknown there. But, I had a problem I didn't know to speak Arabic.
So, I planned to convey the message through 3 posters. The first poster is a man crawling through the hot desert sand... totally exhausted and panting. Second, the man is drinking our Cola and Third, our man is now totally refreshed. Then these posters were pasted all over the place".
"That should have worked", said the friend."
He replied, "Well, I didn't know Arabic, neither did I realize that Arabs read from right to left..."
A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution "this guy looks edible, never seen his kind before". So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace. The dog notices and starts to panic but as he's about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea and says loudly "mmm...that was some good lion meat!". The lion abruptly stops and says " woah! This guy seems tougher then he looks, I better leave while I can". Over by the tree top, a monkey witnessed everything. Evidently, the monkey realizes the he can benefit from this situation by telling the lion and getting something in return. So the monkey proceeds to tell the lion what really happened and the lion says angrily "get on my back, we'll get him together". So they start rushing back to the dog. The dog sees them and realized what happened and starts to panic even more. He then gets another idea and shouts "where the hell is that monkey! I told him to bring me another lion an hour ago..."
The first thing I did was to make sure that I'm still subscribed to /r/dadjokes.. Priorities.
I quit cold turkey.
But it takes the whole emergency room to remove it.
Dad - "Boy, I bet that stadium gets really hot after the game is over"
Me - "why?"
Dad "Because all the fans are gone"
My girlfriend and I were walking with her carrying a backpack and I was holding a bag of ice on each shoulder.
Random woman walks by and just looks at both of us and goes "she's really giving you the cold shoulder"
I was just floored. I never saw her before and I've never seen her again but I really hope things are working out for her.
He cries out in pain.
His friend asks, "How did you even walk into that? You've encountered this hundreds of times before!"
The Redditor replies, "Well, not really? It seemed like a new post."
.... then soviet.
I was walking by the front desk with a leaf blower and the security guard puts his hands up and says "leaf me alone!"
i smirk at him and quickly come back with "Ahhh, I tree what you did there"
Everybody misses Harambe.
I guess I have Motley crew socks.
I guess, just like my jokes, it's just a little door key.
They know Jewish women can't resist anything with 10% off.
Alt-Right, Alt-Right, Alt-Right!
She was using a funnel to make holes in the cake for a "poke" cake.
Wife: The funnel is filling up with cake
Me: I guess that makes it a funnel cake then
The sound of disappointment she made was all the approval I'll ever need.
The taxi driver tries to be funny and jokes with the kid, also making fun of him.
If your mom would be an idiot, what would you be?
An idiot, answers the kid.
The driver starts laughing
If your dad was a retard, what would you be?
A retard, answers the kid.
If your dad was a retard and your mom was an idiot, what would you be?
A taxi driver, answers the kid
The rest of your life.
The driver whom was rear-ended steps out of the car and, to the mans surprise, was a dwarf. He walks to the man and says "I am NOT happy."
The man responds: "Then which one are you?"