Wednesday, August 31, 2016

My roommate's getting ink done later today. I asked him when his appointment was...

He held up two fingers and said, "it's tat two o'clock"...



Submitted September 01, 2016 at 01:01AM by majorshenanigans

Got my wife while doing laundry

After filling the washing machine (which was recently purchased), my wife asked me if the load was even.

Me: Doesn't this have an automatic load-evener? Her: I don't think so. Me, grinning like an idiot: So what you're saying is, this washing machine literally can't even?



Submitted August 31, 2016 at 09:31PM by BradBot3000

Introducing my girlfriend to the family

Me: This is my girlfriend Jane

Jane: Hi

Wife: What the fuck



Submitted August 31, 2016 at 09:39PM by WilsonWilson64

My friend got hired at a dildo factory

He got fired the very next day for sitting on the job



Submitted August 31, 2016 at 08:03PM by Iron-Clad

A joke my 4 year old came up with today...

Him: "What's the only mammal that can breathe under water?"

Me: "I dunno, what?"

Him (loudly): "An elephant sticking his trunk up!"



Submitted August 31, 2016 at 07:47PM by my_fish_memo

My wife is currently in the hospital having contractions.

They hooked up the monitoring belt to her and I asked the nurse if the sensors could send data to my phone. She said no, but I was really hoping for push notifications.



Submitted August 31, 2016 at 09:21PM by Brewchacki

What's cooler than being cool?

Being 0K.



Submitted August 31, 2016 at 04:44PM by dumlefreaket

Dropped my change on the ground

I was checking out and dropped my change on the ground, and I grumble

Stranger dad picks up two coins and tells me "looks like you lost your cents!"



Submitted August 31, 2016 at 07:17PM by BradenGV

There are 500 bricks on a plane, one falls off how many are left?

499.

What are the three steps to putting an elephant in a refrigerator?

Open fridge, put an elephant in, close fridge.

What are the four steps to putting a giraffe in a fridge?

Open fridge, take elephant out, put giraffe in, close fridge.

The lion king is having a birthday party. All the animals attend but one. Which animal is it and why?

The giraffe because he's stuck in the fridge.

Sally wants to cross an alligator infested river. There is no bridge and the only way she can get across is by swimming. She swims across and makes it to the other side safely, how?

The alligators are all at the birthday party.

Sally dies anyways. Why?

She got hit in the head by a flying brick.



Submitted August 31, 2016 at 02:47PM by Darkstar727

(Question/advice) Subway accidentally gave me the wrong sandwich in the drive thru, how do I go about getting a refund without my receipt?

Damn! Wrong sub again!



Submitted August 31, 2016 at 05:53PM by silenoz_676

I got a call from my ex crying and telling me she was HIV+

The hardest part is always having to act surprised.



Submitted August 31, 2016 at 04:12PM by IronyIntended2

I was getting a snack in the kitchen when I dropped a container of cookies

My dad, upon seeing the mess I made, said, "It's okay. It was just a snackccident." My mom sighed.



Submitted August 31, 2016 at 05:57PM by TwillyS

Told my wife about an accident I saw today involving a septic system emptying truck

Her response was "guess he had a shitty day". Dad joked by my own wife couldn't believe it.



Submitted August 31, 2016 at 05:38PM by rosscoPcoletrain

During this lighting storm, my 9 year old daughter got me...

It's raining really bad right now (we live in Florida). There's rain, thunder & lighting. I was in my bedroom when we hear a loud thunder clap. I heard my daughter scream & I instinctively ran to her room. She sees me, starts to laugh & says "daddy, I wasn't that scared". I reply "sorry baby, I was just checking". She goes "I'm ok, it just shocked me" & then laughed.



Submitted August 31, 2016 at 04:16PM by BXRomeo8586

A man asks god...

Man:"Why did you make women so beautiful?" God:"So you would love her." Man:"Then why did you make her so dumb?" God:"So she would love you."



Submitted August 31, 2016 at 11:27AM by lovegermeny

When I was younger, I always felt like I was a man trapped in a woman's body.

Then I was born.



Submitted August 31, 2016 at 12:09PM by shengy90

What's the difference between a good joke and a bad joke timing

and delivery



Submitted August 31, 2016 at 07:54AM by No-Time-For-Caution-

There once was a man.....

There once was a man who had a job driving a passenger train between two large towns. It could be a very dull job to some, but as the old saying goes, one man's trash is another's gold; he wanted to be a railroad man since he was a boy.

He was a wiz behind the controls of the train, and commanded the 15 car vehicle effortlessly as if he had been born to do the job. He prided himself on the fact that he could bend the rules and speed through curves and grades that made other motormen shiver and back off.

One day however, he wasn't so lucky and came round a bend too fast and derailed his train. He backed off the throttle and braked as much as he could, managing to only have one fatality out of 500 passengers on his train.

Months later there was a trial and he was found guilty of manslaughter in the highest degree, a capital offence in that land, and sentenced to die by electric chair. Punishment came swift, unlike most places, and 3 days after sentencing the former railroader was asked for his last meal.

"I'll have a banana," "Just a single banana?" said the perplexed guard. "The warden will grant you a feast and all you want is that?"

"Just a single banana." he said.

After he downed the fruit, he was strapped into the electric chair an hour later.... The warden hit the switch, lights flickered, and the crackle of electricity could be heard for over a minute...

...but our train jockey instead rose from the chair looking more like he got a stiff massage, rather than be put to death! Well in that nation, the law of the land states that if a man somehow survives being put to death, they must be set free...

...And so it came to pass that our engineer was let go...

And for whatever reason, he got his job back!

So he was back railroading again doing the job that he loved. You'd think he'd have been more cautious with this second chance he'd been given, but you'd also be wrong. Speedy Gonzales with a train license decided to gun his locomotive to hard and send it off the tracks again!

Of course, this time he was tried for the same crime, but at a different time (his was a fair commonwealth and double indemnity was simply unheard of!) So fair was their nation, that the jury came up with the same judgement and punishment. So three days later, when asked for his last meal, the engineer simply said "I'll have 2 bananas..."

Not less than 60 minutes after consuming the last morsel was he strapped into the chair and the switch thrown... And....

NOTHING.

He arose from the chair looking a bit jaded, but you'd be hard pressed seeing worse looking drunkards in your hometown.

So of course as with the law of the land, he was set free a SECOND time and for SOME STRANGE REASON, his old rail company gave him his job back...

Well you know what they say right? Third time's the charm?

You kinda know where this one is heading...

That's right, Mario Andretti on rails sped once more in a curve, derailed his train and someone got killed...

...aaaannnndd there was a trial....

....aaaannndd he was found guilty....

....aaannnddd he was sentenced to death by electric chair.....

THis time though, the judge and warden of the jailhouse were wise... They concocted a plan to make sure the motorman would surely fry.

"The warden says you can have anything under the sun for your last meal....so long as it ain't bananas. No banana pudding, banana bread, Bananas Foster, banana flambe, banana tart, banana creme pie, or banana custard!"

"Ok" sighed the somewhat defeated engineer... "Just grill me up a porterhouse steak and some taters... I guess that's a good enough last meal."

"Yep, that's more like it." nodded the guard. "Guess I better let the chaplain know this is really goin' down for real. Better get right with the Lord n' all."

The meal was brought to his cell about an hour and a half later....

What should have been a somber occasion became one of spectacle. The execution chamber gallery in the rickety prison was overflowing with people, cameras and reporters. And while their outward moods were businesslike, the Judge and Warden were giddy with eagerness.

Finally at the appointed hour, appointed minute and appointed second ticked on the clock, the switch was thrown....

Several times the normal power coursed through the wires into the chair and body of the train driver; apparently SOMEONE made a serious upgrade to the facilities for this occasion...

After what seemed to be an eternity, the power was finally cut and the lights returned to their normal glow...

"WHAT THE FUUUUUUUUUUUUU?!?!?!?!?!?!?" exclaimed just about everyone in attendance.

"I made sure you had NO DAMN BANANAS!!" shouted the Warden.

"Yeah, and I even had my brother who is in charge of the local farmers co-op put the kibosh on bananas for 30 miles in all directions of here for the last week!! What the hell?!!"

Our sly engineer cracked a grin.... "Bananas? Well yeah. That's always been my favorite food... But that has nothing to do with why I'm still alive. I don't know why you two smart men can't understand it though...

...after all, even a baby can tell I'm such a poor CONDUCTOR..."



Submitted August 31, 2016 at 02:07PM by onmugen

I bought a universal remote the other day

and I thought to myself "Wow, this changes everything!"



Submitted August 31, 2016 at 10:44AM by Treyness

wife's insisting to quit job

The wife's insisting I quit my job, because she thinks it's cruel we've started testing our new products on rabbits. She's got a point, I suppose...

I work in a hammer factory.



Submitted August 31, 2016 at 06:37AM by bablub048

Coworker elicited an eye roll out of me this morning.

Me: I have to go to the bathroom.

Coworker: Shouldnt drink all that beer in the morning; it's full of Vitamin P.



Submitted August 31, 2016 at 12:07PM by nikiverse

Talking to my dad about weird dreams.

Me: "Whenever I dream I have trouble seeing in them".

Dad: "Well you should be sleeping with your glasses on then".

Me: queue sighs



Submitted August 31, 2016 at 12:17PM by lakesideacid

There was a young couple having sex in the pool.

I walked up to the lifeguard and said, "Aren't you going to do anything?"

He said, "I might have a wank if you leave me alone."



Submitted August 31, 2016 at 08:30AM by TommehBoi

My wife plays violin. I used to play trumpet. Last night we talked aviation.

My wife plays violin and her first rehearsal with a new orchestra is near. She had access to an electronic copy of the music, but wondered whether the orchestra would distribute paper copies at the rehearsal. For orchestras, the section leaders decide when everyone's bows will be moving up vs. down and annotate the music accordingly. Copies of the annotated music are distributed to the players. As a trumpet player who's never needed that kind of annotation, I've always been able to use the originals.

Wife: "String players never play from the originals because we have bowings."

Me: "And wind players have Airbuses!"

Wife: "That joke was just plane awful."



Submitted August 31, 2016 at 11:28AM by tfofurn

Pretend Marriage

A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying “‘Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket – I'm awfully cold.”

“I have a better idea,” she replied “Just for tonight,…… let's pretend that we're married.”

“Wow!…That's a great idea!”, he exclaimed.

“Good,” she replied…. “Get your own fucking blanket.”



Submitted August 31, 2016 at 04:09AM by PotterFairy

My friend told me I had to stop singing "I'm a believer" because I'm really bad at it. I thought she was kidding

But then I saw her face



Submitted August 31, 2016 at 01:42AM by Twigsnapper

I am going to start Web site that is dedicated to revealing secret recipes that contain vegetables that are in the same family as onion and garlic and are especially good with potatoes.

It will be called wikileeks.com



Submitted August 31, 2016 at 10:45AM by TheWholeDamnInternet

What do you call someone who take things literally

A kleptomaniac!



Submitted August 31, 2016 at 08:51AM by I_Fart_Liquids

Why do sumo wrestlers shave their legs?

To avoid being confused with feminists.



Submitted August 31, 2016 at 08:48AM by ShiningConcepts

School related dad jokes?

School starts this week and I'd like to barrage my children with a onslaught of horrible school themed jokes.

Whats your best school joke everyone?



Submitted August 31, 2016 at 10:01AM by brewcitysafari

Grocerylism: A new economic philosophy thought up by my Dad.

The main doctrine: only getting the foods and necessities you wrote down and nothing more...no getting distracted by new items and paying for it. In other word, behave as your "Grocery list".



Submitted August 31, 2016 at 10:13AM by MrGode

"Dress for the job you want," they said.

Apparently pornstar wasn't a valid option.



Submitted August 31, 2016 at 05:43AM by wethair79

To the woman who keeps pounding on my door at night:

I'm not letting you out.



Submitted August 31, 2016 at 08:41AM by HyphenSam

Wild dad joke gilded five times



Submitted August 31, 2016 at 09:04AM by baskandpurr

Chris Hardwick married Patty Hearst's daughter last week...

I hear Stockholm is wonderful this time of year.



Submitted August 31, 2016 at 09:15AM by baltikorean

Judas: C´mon Jesus we´re gonna be late for last supper

Jesus: The what?? Judas: The supper.. we´re gonna be late for supper.



Submitted August 31, 2016 at 06:31AM by bravobracus

We should just stop searching for Pokemon...

...Chuck Norris had already taken them all.

-My dad 10 minutes ago



Submitted August 31, 2016 at 06:51AM by SirKeka

My seven year old will make a great dad one day.

He wanted a pear for morning tea at school so I gave him one. This afternoon when I picked him up:

Me: "Tomorrow, do you want a pear for morning tea?"
7yo: "A pair of what?"

So proud right now.



Submitted August 31, 2016 at 05:16AM by Onegodoneloveoneway

I've finally stopped drinking for good.

Now, I only drink for evil.



Submitted August 31, 2016 at 05:04AM by daedalususedperl

How do you troll an archaeologist?

Give him a used tampon and ask which period it's from.



Submitted August 31, 2016 at 02:19AM by JackdaMan171

An old couple driving are pulled over by a state trooper...

The state trooper asks the old woman, "do you have any idea how fast you were going?"

The old woman who could barely see over the steering wheel is hard at hearing and replies, "what?"

The husband sitting next to her says , "he said do you have any idea how fast you were going?" to which she replies, "no."

The state trooper then says to the old woman, "ma'am, I need to see your drivers license."

The old woman replies, "what?" To which her husband says, "he needs to see your drivers license". The old woman says ,"ok" and hands the trooper her license.

The trooper looks at the license and sees that she was from Macon Georgia. The trooper says, "I see you're from Macon, I used to date a woman from Macon back during the war. She was the worst damn lover I ever had".

The old woman who is hard at hearing says, "what?"

The husband leans over and says, "HE SAID HE THINKS HE KNOWS YOU!"



Submitted August 30, 2016 at 07:25PM by nomoreloorking

Talking to a friend about distillation

and came across this picture of a distillation curve. Told him it's what distillation boils down to.



Submitted August 31, 2016 at 01:46AM by scnottaken

A young family moved into a house that was next door to an empty plot of land

Not long after, a group of builders turned up to start building on the plot.

The family's five-year-old daughter took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking to the workmen. She hung around and eventually the builders adopted the little girl as a sort of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had tea and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. They even gave the girl her very own hard hat and gloves, which thrilled her immensely.

At the end of the first week, the smiling builders presented her with an envelope - containing two pounds in 10p coins. The little girl took her 'pay' home to her mother who suggested that they take the money to the bank the next day to open a savings account.

At the bank, the female cashier was listening to the little girl tell her about her “work” on the building site and the fact she had a “pay packet”. “You must have worked very hard to earn all this,” said the cashier.

The little girl proudly replied, “Yes, I worked every day with Gary, Kevin and Bob. We're building a big house.”

“Oh wow,” said the cashier, “and will you be working on the house again next week?”

The child thought for a moment. Then replied: “I hope so. Provided those wankers at Jewsons deliver the fucking bricks.”



Submitted August 30, 2016 at 06:21PM by granite_state_

Tuesday, August 30, 2016

When my 1st child was born, my father brought a book labeled "Dad Jokes v4," to the delivery room.

When he handed it to me, I had no idea what to say. "Dad... I'm speechless. This means so much to me." "Hi speechless. I'm dad."



Submitted August 31, 2016 at 02:04AM by 404FunnyNotFound

A bit of a read for a pun but...

So, my grandfather by the name of Leonard might lose his foot soon, due to diabetes/infection. Not at all hilarious, sure, but me and him have an awesome sense of humor. He lost his toe a few weeks back and I asked him if they placed it in a jar. He said, "No, they made it into stew."

My mother was less than pleased with our toe jokes but that was not the groaning moment.

A series of texts about my grandfather losing the entire foot ensues between my uncles, mom, sister and I. It went like this:

Me: If gramps loses his foot, in the worst case of scenarios, how would I go around asking the OR to put it in a jar? (directed to my sister who's a nurse)

Mom: OMG. Bad.

Sister: Ew. Lol.

Sister: http://ift.tt/2bHOzJ3

Me: Oh man, if in forty years I'm ever at a family reunion all drunk, I'd be doing that. "Come my niece/nephew/grandchild! Speak of all your woes to the foot!"

Mom: STOP! Bad Grandchild!

Sister: You need a nap.

Me: I'd put the foot in an estate so that it can be passed down for many generations. It'll be the GrandPAW of Leo!

Mom: OMG

Sister: Ha!



Submitted August 31, 2016 at 01:44AM by mof920

So my daughter is signing up for band.

"I want to play the clarinet very badly!"

"Why not pay attention so you can play well?"

glares



Submitted August 30, 2016 at 07:50PM by jimrob4

A guy's phone rings in the gym

A guy is pushing through his usual workout routine in the gym when the phone goes off.

"Hello?"

"Hi honey! I just saw that dress I wanted -- it's on sale for only $2,000! We can save almost 900 dollars! Can we get it, pleeeease?"

"Sure honey, anything you want."

"Oh my god, really? Thank you!!!! And the man at the Lexus dealership called and says he can give it to us for $90,000. What should I tell him?"

"Sure honey, sounds good. Make sure everything is included."

"Wow you mean it?! You're the best! Oh, and one more thing! They called about the house again, they are asking for $400,000."

"Tell them $380,000 and see what they say."

"Wow!! Okay!! Thank you sooooo much, I love you honey! I'll see you when I get home -- in our brand new Lexus~!"

"Sounds great. I love you too, honey. Talk to you later. Bye bye."

The man hangs up, finishes his set, and after a moment he stands up and says, "Does anyone know whose phone this is?"



Submitted August 30, 2016 at 09:18PM by Paradoxa77

What did the scientist dog do with his bones?

Barium



Submitted August 30, 2016 at 10:09PM by burner714

I saw an advert that read: “Television for sale, $1, volume stuck on full.”

I thought to myself, I can’t turn that down.



Submitted August 30, 2016 at 06:44PM by trumpetwall

So the morgue nearby claims to have the best facilities to take care of corpses after they're dead...

They must be right, as everybody is dying to get there.



Submitted August 30, 2016 at 05:34PM by ZSSDistortion

What do the twin towers and genders have in common?

There used to be two and now it's too offensive to talk about.



Submitted August 30, 2016 at 06:49PM by 7relos

How much does a soda cost?

They're a couple bucks a pop.



Submitted August 30, 2016 at 05:43PM by Letsdobathsalts

What do you call a chicken crossed with a cow?

Cock-a-doodle-moo!



Submitted August 30, 2016 at 06:22PM by AsteriskSemi-colon

So a house got burglarized...

...and the thieves took everything, and I do mean everything. The appliances, the furniture, even the toilets. Police had nothing to go on!

(apologies if this is a repost)



Submitted August 30, 2016 at 05:09PM by Raji_Lev

Why did Star Wars episodes 4, 5 and 6 come before 1, 2 and 3?

Because in charge of scheduling, Yoda was.



Submitted August 30, 2016 at 04:01PM by RomanSaimon

What's the tallest building?

A library. It has hundreds of stories.



Submitted August 30, 2016 at 04:35PM by jfb1337

A man went to the doctor..

Doc said "You'll soon be at peace."

The man replied "I'm dying!?"

Doc said "No your wife is."



Submitted August 30, 2016 at 04:26PM by The_Yakuza

The deeply religious Jim and Joan are freshly married

As they begin to consummate their marriage, Jim moves straight for anal. Joan stops him "No, that's not the right hole."

"How would you know?" Asks Jim

"I was late after choir practice one day, and Father Henry and I talked about the sins of the flesh. Then he showed me how it was done so I could stay away from it and be wise and virtuous."

"Well that's weird." says Jim. "When we had that discussion, Father Henry put it in my ass."



Submitted August 30, 2016 at 11:52AM by HAHAHA-Idiot

Puns are for children, not groan readers.

No text found

Submitted August 30, 2016 at 01:21PM by CaptMcButternut

Three women sat discussing their husbands and their sex lives

"My husband's a wrestler," said the first. "He's really strong and aggressive in bed."

"My husband's an artist," said the second. "He's really gentle and sensitive."

"My husband's an IBM salesman," said the third. "He sits on the edge of the bed and tells me how good it's going to be when I finally get it."



Submitted August 30, 2016 at 10:47AM by crazy_jaguar

Seriously guys, jokes about menstruation is no laughing matter...

Period.



Submitted August 30, 2016 at 01:35PM by trenton00

There was an accident at the clinic and my wife's blood tests got mixed up. She's either got Altzheimers or Aids...

I begged the doctor for some advice. He thought for a little bit and said. There's a special clinic about six miles down the road. You could drop her there...

"Will they cure her?"

"No they won't, but if she finds her way home, don't fuck her."



Submitted August 30, 2016 at 10:57AM by mungbeen

Got the Girl at the Dentist this Morning

Went into the dentist for tooth pain, was told they are going to extract my upper wisdom teeth. The receptionist scheduled me two weeks from now at 2:30.

"Huh, that's funny."
"What's funny?"
"My appointment. It's tooth hurty."

Groaning and laughter ensued.



Submitted August 30, 2016 at 12:35PM by spoonman33

A blonde finds herself sitting next to a lawyer on a plane..

A blonde who finds herself sitting next to a lawyer on an airplane. The lawyer just keeps bugging the blonde wanting her to play a game of intelligence. Finally, the lawyer offers her 10 to 1 odds, and says every time the blonde can not answer one of his questions, she owes him $5, but every time he cannot answer hers, he’ll give her $50. The lawyer figures he could not lose, and the blonde reluctantly accepts.
The lawyer first asks, “What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?”
Without saying a word the blonde hands him $5. The blonde then asks, “What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down the hill with 4 legs?”
Well, the lawyer is puzzled. He takes several hours, looking up everything he can on his laptop and even placing numerous air-to-ground phone calls trying to find the answer. Finally, angry and frustrated, he gives up and pays the blonde $50
The blonde put the $50 into her purse without comment, but the lawyer insists, “What is the answer to your question?”
Without saying a word, the blonde hands him $5.



Submitted August 30, 2016 at 09:37AM by growleroz

What's the best job a janitor can have in his career?

Chief Moperating Officer!



Submitted August 30, 2016 at 11:00AM by BoilerUp218

A guy was nailing his interview

A guy was nailing his interview when the employer said "well you look great but I see here there was a 7 year gap since your last job, what happened there?".

The guy says "oh I went to yale".

The employer: "oh great!! Well you're hired, you start monday"

Guy: "Yay! I got a yob!"



Submitted August 30, 2016 at 09:15AM by genericusername1216

What did one orphan say to the other?

Robin, get in the Batmobile!



Submitted August 30, 2016 at 09:28AM by VeryKbedi

Why is Kim Jong-un's library so big ?

Because he is supreme reader



Submitted August 30, 2016 at 10:09AM by genericusername1216

A plane was going down

You have the pope, a preist, the choir boys, and a narcissist, And only 1 parachute. The narcissist grabs the parachute and say's "I'm too important to die" The pope replies "But think about the children" The narcissist replies "Fuck the children!" The preist responds "Do you think we have time?"



Submitted August 30, 2016 at 07:33AM by United_cat_turf

I come from a mixed race family

My mum won her 800m and my dads Indian



Submitted August 30, 2016 at 09:28AM by genericusername1216

At the bar with some friends...

Friend 1: But I'm not an adult!

Friend 2: Yes, you are an a-dolt...



Submitted August 30, 2016 at 06:18AM by wraith775

Had to share one that cracked me up

My wife and I were laying in bed one night and heard our dog snoring.

My wife mentions that maybe our dog has doggie sleep apnea.

I replied, "Well maybe we should get her a C-Pup..."

Wife: "uggghhhh"



Submitted August 30, 2016 at 08:57AM by 3rd_Shift_Tech_Man

A black man walks into a bar...

A black man walks into a bar with a beautiful parrot on his shoulder.

"That is really special," said the bartender. "Where did you get it?"

"Africa," replied the parrot.



Submitted August 30, 2016 at 04:58AM by -ADILLION-

I bought my shoes from a drug dealer once

I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day



Submitted August 30, 2016 at 05:58AM by punsize

Dave cannot make his wife cum, so he goes to the doctor for some advice...

He goes to the doctor and says, "Look, I just can't bring my wife to orgasm in bed, it's a real problem."

The doctor says, "Well, is it too warm?"

"Yes, it's absolutely sweltering"

"Then get some air-con"

"I can't afford air-con, I'm too poor"

"Well, Dave, do you have a good mate?"

"Yeah, I've got a mate Mick"

"Well, ask your mate Mick to stand over you and the mrs with a towel, wafting you both to cool you down, that might help."

So, Dave asks Mick for this favour, who then agrees to help him. That night, Dave is in bed with his wife, pounding away with Mick fanning them with the towel but it's doing nothing for her.

Dave says, "Well this isn't working, let's swap." So Dave takes the towel and starts wafting Mick, who is now shagging Dave's mrs. Not long after, Dave's wife goes "Oooh... oh that's it, I'm about to cum, I'm going to cum!"

Dave shouts, triumphantly, "You see, Mick?! That's how you waft a fucking towel!"



Submitted August 30, 2016 at 01:05AM by Masterchrono

Tech Joke: Changing a light bulb

A window user, a Linux user and an apple user all need to change a lightbulb in their respective homes. They split up and the windows and apple user meet back up 5 minutes later

Windows User: Did you get it fixed?

Apple user: No, it can't be cganged so I need to find a new house; how about you?

Windows User: Yeah I changed it, but now the toilet won't flush.

After some time the two become worried because the Linux user hasn't come back yet. They go to his apartment and find him sitting in the middle of the floor with a set of instructions and a box of parts. The Windows user asks what he's doing to which he replies "what does it look like? This lightbulb isn't going to build itself"



Submitted August 29, 2016 at 09:26PM by StaticHexFF

My kindergarten-aged daughter...

Suddenly announced just before school that she needed to take a clean t-shirt to class. She told us that the teacher was going to iron an anti-drug message on it. My wife practically swept through my daughter's room, finding nothing usable but one t-shirt that already had something printed on the side. She sent it off to school with my daughter.

That afternoon, my daughter returned and happily showed off her shirt. On one side it said, "Families are Forever". And on the other, "Be Smart, Don't Start".



Submitted August 29, 2016 at 09:14PM by Starinight69

What's with girls having weird names nowadays?

I recently slept with a girl and after sex she was like "I'm Fifteen" I was like that's nice I'm Daniel.



Submitted August 29, 2016 at 11:40PM by FrostPatrol

The Girlfriend Joke

So I recently moved into a new neighborhood and it's a pretty nice area. After a couple of weeks, a moving truck pulls up and I realize there's a new girl living in the house next to me. So I walk out and I notice that she's all by herself.

Being the good neighbor I am, I go up and ask, "Hey, I see you don't have any help. Do you need any help with moving your boxes inside?"

And keep this in mind, I'm like a 6/10 on good day while this girl is an easy 9/10. Like this girl can easily be a supermodel.

So I ask if she needs any help and she looks me dead in the eye with the nastiest grimace on her face and says, "Uh... No thanks, I'm good."

"Well ok. No problem. If you need anything, just give a little knock on the door and I'll come out."

So a couple days go by after that failed attempt and this girl's dumb, small chihuahua jumps over the fence and gets into my yard. So I'm thinking, "Ok cranky girl. Round 2, let's go, we got this."

So I take the dumb dog and I bring it over to her house and give the door a knock. She opens the door and with the biggest smile says, "OH MY GOD thank you SO MUCH! I don't know what I would do without him. He's like family to me. I'm so sorry that I was so mean to you the other day. I was having a bad day and took it out on you and I'm so sorry. Please let me make it up to you and take you out to dinner."

So I humbly accept and we end up going out to dinner that night. Now, we don't have much in common. Like, I'm into video games and anime and she's into all this white girl stuff like makeup, Starbucks, and all that other shit. But, we have a good time. And I mean, this girl is WAY out of my league so who am I to complain? So then we hang out more frequently, I visit her and she visits me and now I'm in a good relationship with this extremely hot chick.

A couple weeks go by, we continue this, and I see a moving truck come in from the other direction. I go out to greet the new neighbor and I see a cute girl come out of the moving truck. Now this girl is cute. She isn't supermodel hot, but she's cute. I would say she's like a 7/10. So I go up to her and say, "Hey, I see you don't have any help with moving your stuff in. Is it ok if I help?" Luckily, she says, "Yeah, sure. Um, take this box and put it in the living room. It's the first room to the right, you can't miss it."

So I go to pick up the box and I realize that it's labeled "Video Games." The box wasn't taped very well, so I peek into the box and I'm seeing some serious video games. I'm seeing Final Fantasy 7-9 black label, a mint copy of Illusion of Gaia. Like, what girl even knows what that game is!? So I ask, "Hey, is this a box of your boyfriend's stuff?" and she responds with, "No, I don't have a boyfriend. That stuff's mine so make sure not to drop it." So now I know this girl is actually the coolest girl ever.

So I help the girl move her stuff in and we hang out afterwards. We go out to lunch and we hit it off. We ended up just talking about video games the whole time and it was amazing. Now I have a friend to talk nerd shit with and don't forget, she's a cute as hell 7/10. And I also have this 9/10 girlfriend with me. And again, I'm just a 6/10 so right now, I'm living the dream.

So a couple weeks go by and my girlfriend comes up to me and says, "Hey, so this may sound weird, but I don't want you to hang out with that girl anymore. You're spending a lot of time with her and I'm honestly a little jealous and I want you to spend more time with me."

I tell her, "Well listen, why don't you try to talk to her. If you like me, then you'll like her and then we can all hang out and it'll be great." She says, "Well...alright. I guess I'll give it a shot. I'll try to talk to her tomorrow

So next day, my girlfriend comes up to me and says, "Uh, yeah you can't see that girl ever again."

"Wait, what? Why not? What happened?"

"Yeah she told me that you're hers now and if I ever go near you again, she is going to kill me."

"I think you're overreacting a little bit. She doesn't seem like that type of person"

"She told me, and I quote, that she is going to fucking murder me."

"I can't imagine that it's that serious. I'll try to straighten this out and go talk to her tomorrow."

I go up to 7/10's house the next day and give it a little knock on the door but nobody answers. I try the doorbell, nothing. Give her a call, text her, no answer. So then I call my girlfriend, try to tell her that she wasn't there and I'll try again tomorrow. But again, no answer. So I go over to her house, knock on the door and still no answer. Next day knock* knock* no answer and I don't know what's going on.

So day after day goes by and eventually, week after week and I'm getting nothing. I put in the missing persons but nothing turns up. I call their family and friends and they know nothing. And after weeks of all this, I just give up.

Then I turn the news on one day, and I see the 7/10 girl getting carried away in handcuffs. And, she's covered in blood from head to toe. She's screaming and yelling at the camera saying, "She's dead, you're next." A couple days go by and the autopsy reports are coming in, and its all over the internet. Apparently, not only did she kill my gorgeous 9/10 girlfriend, but parts of her were missing. Chunks of her arms and legs were gone and it seems that the 7/10 girl ate parts of my girlfriend. Bit and chewed into her.

Now I'm thinking to myself that I had the two most amazing girls in my life. And I'm here, 6/10, just worried out of my mind because I can't get the image out of my head of her screaming into the cameras saying, "She's dead, you're next. She's dead you're next." And I'm going crazy, I'm screaming and writing it in blood on the walls, "She's dead, you're next. She's dead you're next." AND I DON'T KNOW WHAT DO DO ANYMORE.

And it begs the question: Why is 6 afraid of 7?



Submitted August 29, 2016 at 10:33PM by AJMaestro13

Monday, August 29, 2016

What do you call a Nun in a wheel chair?

Virgin Mobile



Submitted August 29, 2016 at 10:30PM by SamuelArthur1

My coworker asked for my pen...

I make fries at Wendy's and I always keep a pen in my pocket, well coworker A needs a pen, so coworker B asks if anyone has one. I say sure, you can use mine. Coworker B says why do you have a pen? Why would you even need one over there? I reply with "Well how else am I supposed to make my signature fries?" Both if them groaned/ laughed.



Submitted August 29, 2016 at 09:58PM by FireSmurf

She's good at washing dishes

I was washing dishes, but wasn't being quick enough so my girlfriend insisted she take over. She started washing them a lot faster. As I watched her finish washing a pan, I exclaimed:

"Wow, you're really fast at that! You're all like, wham-bam-thank you pan!"



Submitted August 29, 2016 at 08:16PM by xak

Girlfriend says "I feel fat and ugly. I need you to pay me a compliment"

"Your eyesight is fucking perfect!"



Submitted August 29, 2016 at 08:23PM by mungbeen

What did the starving priest say when he finally caught a fish?

Thank Cod!



Submitted August 29, 2016 at 08:38PM by perimason

Help me start my car!

http://ift.tt/2cmVzzb

I've tried telling it that I don't love it, that it's worthless, that it was a mistake... but it still won't start!



Submitted August 29, 2016 at 04:55PM by grunlog

Foot or feet related dadjokes?

A very dear friend of mine had a significant foot surgery today. Significant to the tune of, it was cut off for a brief period and then reattached. Because I love him like that, help me out with some foot/feet related dadjokes so I can cheer him up over the coming weeks?

Thanks!



Submitted August 29, 2016 at 05:28PM by sophiee

Why was the DJ no longer allowed at the vegetable hospital?

He kept dropping sick beets.



Submitted August 29, 2016 at 07:19PM by JinglesRasco

Sister told me to try Saison beer but couldn't articulate the taste

I asked her if it saison the bottle



Submitted August 29, 2016 at 06:59PM by PostsHighThoughts

I fucking hate raffle tickets.

They're tearable.



Submitted August 29, 2016 at 05:47PM by ash-leg2

While discussing how impossible it is to discipline a cat

"You know, I won the grand prize in a kitten spanking contest when I was younger."

(surrounded by "wait for it" faces)

"It was a cat-ass-trophy."



Submitted August 29, 2016 at 04:49PM by fliclit

Do you know why there are fences around graveyards?

Because people are dying to get in.



Submitted August 29, 2016 at 04:54PM by Master_Silver

I remember my first computer

It was a great table!



Submitted August 29, 2016 at 04:19PM by BananaBunnies

I hope this subreddit upvotes originality!

originality!



Submitted August 29, 2016 at 02:14PM by InhumanThree1

What organization makes sure the grass is nice and green?

Law-n-forcement



Submitted August 29, 2016 at 03:35PM by Equistice

What's the difference between a bomb vest and a feminist?

A bomb vest does something when it's triggered.



Submitted August 29, 2016 at 12:17PM by dwarvenrogue

Little 8 year old Susie is in her back yard digging a hole..

..Her neighbor Mr. Johnson peeks over the fence and says "Gee Susie, what's going on?"

Susie says, "I'm digging a hole, it's pretty obvious"

Mr. Johnson asks, "Why are you digging a hole?"

Susie replies, "I'm burying my gold fish"

Mr. Johnson laughs and asks "Why is the hole so big?" Susie replies, "Because my goldfish is inside your fucking cat".



Submitted August 29, 2016 at 12:44PM by doorbellguy

What's the difference between smoking weed and burning the koran?

If you burn the koran, you can only get stoned once.

Edit: Please take this with humor, its just a joke.



Submitted August 29, 2016 at 01:27PM by tidEofficial

Done

Texting a friend

Her: can I call you in an hour?

Me: yeah, but I think I'm gonna be in a meeting then

Her: okay, tell me when you're done then

Me: done

Me: ...

Me: as in deal...

Her: ugh



Submitted August 29, 2016 at 02:49PM by bjamil1

Why is the crocodile longer than it is green?

It's only green on one side, but it's long on both sides.



Submitted August 29, 2016 at 02:52PM by HailHypnocat

80,000 blondes meet in a football stadium for a "Blondes Are Not Stupid" Convention.

The leader says, "We are all here today to prove to the world that blondes are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer?"

A blonde gingerly works her way through the crowd and steps up to the stage.

The leader asks her, "What is 15 plus 15?"

After 15 or 20 seconds she says, "Eighteen!"

Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then 80,000 blondes start cheering, "Give her another chance! Give her another chance!"

The leader says, "Well since we've gone to the trouble of getting 80,000 of you in one place and we have the world- wide press and global broadcast media here, gee, uh, I guess we can give her another chance."

So he asks, "What is 5 plus 5?"

After nearly 30 seconds she eventually says, "Ninety?"

The leader is quite perplexed, looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh -- everyone is disheartened - the blonde starts crying and the 80,000 girls begin to yell and wave their hands shouting, "GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!"

The leader, unsure whether or not he is doing more harm than damage, eventually says, "Ok! Ok! Just one more chance -- What is 2 plus 2?"

The girl closes her eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, "Four?"

Throughout the stadium pandemonium breaks out as all 80,000 girls jump to their feet, wave their arms, stomp their feet and scream... "Give her another chance! Give her another chance!"



Submitted August 29, 2016 at 01:08PM by RubenTheDuck

What's the difference between jesus and a hooker?

The noises they make as you're nailing them



Submitted August 29, 2016 at 11:07AM by assassinraizo

Two men contracted to paint a small community church.

Being very frugal(cheap), they pinched and scraped to spend the absolute minimum on materials. Then, when they were only partway through the job, they determined that they did not, after all, have enough paint to complete the job. Not wishing to spend any more money if they didn't absolutely have to, they decided they would just dilute the water-based paint they were using so that it would last longer. They did this a couple more times before they finished, which caused striping on the church as the paint got lighter eachtime it was thinned. The painters had just about gotten to the top of thesteeple, when, all of a sudden, the sky darkened, and the rain started to pour down.

As the paint streamed down the sides of the church, a voice boomed from the heavens: "Repaint, you thinners! Repaint, and thin no more!"



Submitted August 29, 2016 at 10:31AM by _-reddit-

Did you guys hear about that Shaolin monk that had to go to the doctor?

Turns out he had a case of the kung-flu.



Submitted August 29, 2016 at 01:34PM by AtomDrake

I’ve just been fired from my job at the clock-making factory…

...must have been all those extra hours I've been putting in.



Submitted August 29, 2016 at 04:16AM by gizmoidproton

Yesterday morning after picking up the girlfriend

Me: How did you sleep last night?

GF: Well. ........I slept.



Submitted August 29, 2016 at 12:47PM by FlameofUdun140

[NSFW] Would you like to see a large cock?

pulls out chicken

sorry for the foul joke



Submitted August 29, 2016 at 11:38AM by Trender_man

I've just been told I'm colourblind

I know, the diagnosis was out of the purple.



Submitted August 29, 2016 at 11:53AM by punsize

Mike Tyson is refusing to support Playstation.

...because he's an X-Boxer.



Submitted August 29, 2016 at 11:03AM by Kahne_Fan

Good morning everyone and please use "la chancla"



Submitted August 29, 2016 at 11:47AM by Mncfre

Interviewer: What's your greatest strength?

Interviewer: What's your greatest strength?

Potential employee: Shape shifting.

Interviewer: Really?

Interviewer: Yes.

Interviewer: Shit.



Submitted August 29, 2016 at 06:47AM by maestroenglish

The CEO of Budweiser, Miller and Carlsberg walks into a bar.

The CEO of Budweiser walks up to the bar and orders a Budweiser, after which the CEO of Miller orders a Miller. Then the CEO of Carlsberg says to the bartender: "I'll have a glass of water." The others looks baffled and asks him: "Why didn't you order a Carlsberg?". He replies: "Well, since you're not having beer..."



Submitted August 29, 2016 at 06:20AM by professorbrainiac

My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy...

...so I got drunk.



Submitted August 29, 2016 at 07:39AM by madazzahatter

I was afraid to garden

Until I grew a pear



Submitted August 29, 2016 at 08:08AM by littlelovely28

A girl comes back home after many years to see her father before he dies...

She goes to his bedside and starts crying, "Dad, I'm sorry!"

He looks at her, smiles weakly, and says, "Goodbye, Sorry." He grins. "I'm dead."



Submitted August 28, 2016 at 10:39PM by Toshiro46

Interviewer: What's your greatest weakness?

Me: Answering the semantics of a question but ignoring the pragmatics

Interviewer: Could you give me an example?

Me: Yes I could



Submitted August 29, 2016 at 05:10AM by CarrotDr

George R R Martin, dead after reaching peak popularity

Just like one of his characters.

(If this trash of a post hit the front page, the title could really mess with some GoT fans, I'm just saying)



Submitted August 29, 2016 at 12:57AM by already_satisfied

Why should you never give flowers to a monk?

Because only you can prevent florist friars



Submitted August 28, 2016 at 11:26PM by the_grandprize

The World Health Organization

I was having a conversation with a friend about exercise and it goes a little something like this.

Friend: Did you know that the World Health Organization recommends at least 180 minutes of moderate to vigorous exercise?

Me: with a grin on my face Who?

Friend: The World Health Organization.

Me: again with same expression Who?

Friend: getting annoyed THE WORLD HEAL... shoots me the dirtiest look



Submitted August 28, 2016 at 11:35PM by spinner899

An angel appears and says, "I'll grant you whichever of three blessings you choose. Wisdom, beauty, or ten million dollars."

Immediately, the man chooses wisdom. There is a flash of lightning, he is transformed, but then he just sits there, staring down at the table.

One of his colleagues whispers, "You have great wisdom. Say something!"

The man says, "I should have taken the money."



Submitted August 28, 2016 at 10:51PM by ActuallyAMammal

Son of a Bitch

Girl: "Forgive me father for I have sinned."

Priest: "What have you done my child?"

Girl: "I called a man a son of a bitch."

Priest: "Why did you call him a son of a bitch?"

Girl: "Because he touched my hand."

Priest: "Like this?" (as he touches her hand)

Girl: "Yes father."

Priest: "That's no reason to call a man a son of a bitch."

Girl: "Then he touched my breast."

Priest: "Like this?" (as he touched her breast)

Girl: "Yes father."

Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."

Girl: "Then he took off my clothes, father."

Priest: "Like this?" (as he takes off her clothes)

Girl: "Yes father."

Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."

Girl: "Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where."

Priest: "Like this?" (as he stuck his you know what into her you know where)

Girl: "YES FATHER, YES FATHER, YES FATHER!!!"

Priest: (after a few minutes): "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."

Girl: "But father he had AIDS!"

Priest: "THAT SON OF A BITCH!!!"



Submitted August 28, 2016 at 09:43PM by JackdaMan171

Sunday, August 28, 2016

Why was the archaeologist depressed?

His career was in ruins!



Submitted August 28, 2016 at 10:28PM by BigRisch

A man escapes from a prison where he’s been locked up for 15 years......

He breaks into a house and inside, he finds a young couple in bed.

He ties him to a chair. While tying the wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he’s in there, the husband whispers over to his wife, “Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He’s probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn’t seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don’t resist, don’t complain. Do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he’ll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!”

She responds: “He wasn’t kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he’s gay, thinks you’re cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too.”



Submitted August 28, 2016 at 08:11PM by No_Mercy_4_Potatoes

My friend was eating a salad at Chic Fil A and says "Man, my tooth is freezing"

I respond "it's because you're eating iceberg lettuce!"



Submitted August 28, 2016 at 05:01PM by vaughnathon07

Art Show

Went to an art show on the weekend with my wife. We were looking at all the abstract paintings and my wife says,

I just don't get it why is the big splotchy painting worth $8,000 our daughter could paint something just like that. Maybe I'm just not cultured enough?

I reply,

That's not a problem honey you just need to eat more yoghurt!



Submitted August 28, 2016 at 09:36PM by Overkill782

I discovered I have a fetish for figuring things out. (X-post /r/puns)

I came to the realization.



Submitted August 28, 2016 at 05:58PM by IAMA_DragonSlayerAMA

A Jewish Redditor made a foreskin joke.

[removed]



Submitted August 28, 2016 at 04:09PM by BurritoInABowl

A guy walks into a pub...

A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar that reads:
CHEESEBURGER: $1.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH: $2.50
HAND JOB: $10.00 He walks up to the bar and beckons one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks. "Can I help you?" she asks. "I was wondering," whispers the man. "Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?" "Yes," she purrs. "I am." The man replies, "Well, wash your hands. I want a cheeseburger."



Submitted August 28, 2016 at 05:57PM by Loveisjusta

As I spread my girlfriend's legs I thought to myself...

This is the strangest thing I've ever had on toast.



Submitted August 28, 2016 at 06:58PM by TommehBoi

Want to hear a construction joke?

. . .
Sorry, I'm still working on it.



Submitted August 28, 2016 at 04:16PM by hgbleackley

An English man, Welsh man and a Indian man walk are in a maternity hospital.

The doctor tells them theres been a mix up and doesn't know who's baby is who's. The English man runs in and grabs the only brown baby and starts to walk out. The Indian man looks relly confused and says "I'm pretty sure that's not your baby it looks Indian so it's mine". The English man says "I know, but there's not a chance in hell I'm leaving here with a baby that could be Welsh."



Submitted August 28, 2016 at 06:39PM by coffepotty

The man who invented anagrams has died.

May he erect a penis.



Submitted August 28, 2016 at 01:29PM by GOATOwens

Take some peppermint from my garden, My Father in Law suggested

"It needs to be used before it goes bad."

Mr.Brotato responds: "Would you say it's no longer in....mint condition?"



Submitted August 28, 2016 at 05:41PM by SmashedBrotato

The court has decided you guilty of clickbait and has sentenced you to death by the electric chair...

... What happens next will shock you



Submitted August 28, 2016 at 12:45PM by genericusername1216

What do you call an acid that's being a bully?

Amino acid



Submitted August 28, 2016 at 02:38PM by hieronymusjosh

Why can't you have a nose 12 inches long?

Because then it would be a foot.



Submitted August 28, 2016 at 02:47PM by trenton00

My grandfather always said, "Be envied, not envious."

I wish I'd thought of that quote.



Submitted August 28, 2016 at 09:23AM by TommehBoi

Got my manager today

I'm (M) 5 feet from the bathroom and my manager is following me in. Manager asks "what's shaking?" Reply: "Me in about a minute."



Submitted August 28, 2016 at 12:58PM by bicycleflossing

I asked my dad why he was wearing 2 pairs of golf socks..

"Cuz I got a hole in one."



Submitted August 28, 2016 at 10:00AM by ArmyVeganCrossfitter

I was writing a joke about a stone rolling up a hill, but it lost momentum.

It still has potential.



Submitted August 28, 2016 at 09:52AM by freaky-tiki

What did Hillary Clinton do when her email was hacked?

She asked Donald Trump to build a firewall.



Submitted August 28, 2016 at 10:52AM by colmreddy

People often accuse me of "stealing other's jokes" and being "a plagiarist."

Their words not mine



Submitted August 28, 2016 at 09:47AM by PaytheDevil

Originality

Since someone recently said we should all start upvoting originality, here's your chance, dads!



Submitted August 28, 2016 at 12:27PM by breakone9r

A dad's only daughter was getting married.

As he was about to walk her down the aisle, she turned to him, wiped away a tear, and said, "Can you believe this day has come?"

The dad turned to his daughter and said, "I always knew this day would come, but I never thought you'd get married on it."



Submitted August 28, 2016 at 12:27PM by schmooby

Being Muslim is tough

Since i was a young boy my father has imposed his religion onto me. I was home schooled because we live in the west and my father wanted me in an environment that was free from anything Haram. I couldn't associate with Hindus or Christians, anyone who ate unclean animals, or any girl. As a teenage guy going through puberty this was naturally a living nightmare. After years of begging from me and pressure from his colleagues, i was finally allowed to attend a very nice coed high school. The only rule was that i had to keep avoiding anything Haram. Being free for the first time i started to celebrate. Ate bacon my first day, had Hindu friends in a week, and within the month i had even met a girl. I was shy and awkward as i could possibly be but she liked me and thought i was funny. She was a little too hipster punk for me, listing to music i've never heard and using words like tubular and bae, but i loved it. Within two months we were dating. It was going great until my father heard about it. The Hindus and bacon he could overlook, but the women to him were really wrong. To him this was too much and he even claimed me of having sex with her. As if it couldn't get any weirder he actually demanded i show him my penis to prove i haven't been having sex. I had to ask him twice to make sure i heard him right. It was awkward but living under his roof i had to do as he commands. I started to go out with her on dates and every time i came home i had to whip it out for dad. It might be insane, but i actually am ok with dicks out for haram bae.



Submitted August 28, 2016 at 06:55AM by Daler_Mehndii

My wife just told me that she is a body builder...

...I'm so excited to be a dad in 9 months!



Submitted August 28, 2016 at 08:29AM by Hxadcml

What's at the centre of No Man's Sky universe?

A refund.

credit to /u/xROSSTHEHOSSx (saw it on another post as comment, thought it deserved own post)



Submitted August 27, 2016 at 11:47PM by Krabbii

Got a good one on my wife today

I was pushing our two year old along the street in her push chair and let an s-bomb slip by accident.

My wife says, "don't talk like that in front of our daughter!"

"It's fine, I'm walking behind her."



Submitted August 28, 2016 at 10:14AM by seanfish

I never knew my local greengrocer was a DJ

But I just saw him drop some beets.



Submitted August 28, 2016 at 06:15AM by TWM_Huxy

So husband and I are trying for a baby

Told him off for making dad jokes and said 'I'm not pregnant yet!'

His response? 'Hi not pregnant yet, I'm not dad yet'



Submitted August 28, 2016 at 06:07AM by Roseredgal

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar...

The first orders a beer... The second orders half a beer... The third orders one quarter of a beer... The fourth orders one eighth of a beer...

The bartender pours two beers for the entire group, and replies "cmon guys, know your limits.



Submitted August 28, 2016 at 02:40AM by Jim-IV

Girls are like blackjack…

I'm trying to go for 21 but I always hit on 14.



Submitted August 28, 2016 at 12:21AM by I_Dont_Philosophize

Why did the redneck cross the road?

His dick was stuck in the chicken.



Submitted August 28, 2016 at 12:57AM by Goat_Cheez

My youngest son, James, took me around the neighborhood to catch some Pokemon.

We came upon some other folks who were furiously tapping on their phones near what was, supposedly, an important location that he "owned".

My son, dejectedly, asked "My Pokemon are not very strong. Can you help me?"

I knelt down, looked at him and said "I am here to defend my Jim."



Submitted August 28, 2016 at 03:01AM by AlexJWhite86

Dr. Pepper has a degree. So Dr. Pepper is a graduated cylinder.

No text found

Submitted August 28, 2016 at 01:03AM by Potchi79

What does a redneck Buddhist believe in?

Reintarnation.



Submitted August 27, 2016 at 10:01PM by The_Impaler_

I told my husband I'm pregnant.

He said "Hi Pregnant, I'm Dad!"



Submitted August 27, 2016 at 10:48PM by Raevix

Saturday, August 27, 2016

Theres one thing that you can't say on Reddit:

[removed]



Submitted August 28, 2016 at 12:40AM by CrystalVivian

I was in a breakfast diner and I called over the waiter

I said "hey waiter, this coffee tastes like mud".

He said "that's weird, it was just ground this morning"



Submitted August 28, 2016 at 01:23AM by temon00

My 11 year old daughter asked me tonight, "Dad, do you know what I don't get? "

apparently "An allowance?" wasn't the answer she wanted.



Submitted August 27, 2016 at 11:36PM by tbare

Browsing r/pcmasterrace

Going to the store

http://ift.tt/2byVvZg



Submitted August 27, 2016 at 09:54PM by Aarenas52

lady sneezes on a plane

The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.

The man went back to his reading.

A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more.

Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering.

A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again. As before, she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before.

Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, "I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently. Are you OK?"

"I am sorry if I disturbed you. I have a very rare medical condition. Whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm."

The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. "I have never heard of that condition before" he said. "Are you taking anything for it?"

The woman nodded, "Pepper.”



Submitted August 27, 2016 at 04:45PM by cantclough

Why did the scarecrow get promoted?

He was outstanding in his field!



Submitted August 27, 2016 at 09:06PM by Cxariio

Shared a dadjoke from this subreddit with my dad and he dadjoked it up even more.

Me: How did the butcher introduce his wife? Me: Meet Pattie! Dad: Meat my wife Dad: She's a cut above the rest

Here's a link to the text convo:

http://ift.tt/2bZoNj0



Submitted August 27, 2016 at 08:41PM by xosir

Neil Degrasse Tyson and Mike Tyson have something common...

I don't understand what either one is saying, but I know I'll end up seeing stars.



Submitted August 27, 2016 at 05:12PM by Slimebeast

How did the fish feel after the eel helped him find his way home?

Eel-aided.



Submitted August 27, 2016 at 07:16PM by GeekRunner1

An old man offered a lady $100 to lick her nipples...

An old man saw a beautiful lady walking down the street of the bar he just walked out of.

He catches up to her and says, "Ma'am, I'll give you $100 dollars if you let me lick your nipples!"

Stunned, she says, "What kind of dirty old pervert are you?? Absolutely NOT!"

The old man, being persistent said "Fine, $1,000 dollars to lick your nipples! That's a fair offer."

To which the lady replied "What kind of woman do you think I am? Leave me alone or I'll call the cops!"

The old man, still not giving up, says "$10,000 dollars to lick your nipples, final offer!"

The lady's eyes got huge and she said "Well.... 10 grand is a lot of money....I guess if no one was around us then maybe...."

The old man says "Great! Let's just go back behind this bar where nobody is and then we'll be out of sight!"

The old man leads the beautiful lady to the back of the bar.

She says, "Let's get this over with."

She drops down her dress far enough to where her breasts are fully exposed.

The old man starts squeezing on them, rubbing his face all over and in between them, pinching the nipples softly with his fingers and kissing all over her breasts.

She finally speaks up and says, "Are you going to lick my nipples or not? Let's get this over with!"

The old man replied, "Nope! Too expensive!"



Submitted August 27, 2016 at 03:26PM by EzellDiesel

Where are you allowed to drink and drive?

A golf course.



Submitted August 27, 2016 at 03:43PM by _Tamassran_

When people ask my dad how long he's been married he tells them "5 wonderful years!

40 all together."



Submitted August 27, 2016 at 04:06PM by leopor

Why is the number of black priests so small?

Most of them run away after being called father once or twice



Submitted August 27, 2016 at 03:18PM by ItsFroce

So at work I was offered a course about time management....

But I was too busy to go :(



Submitted August 27, 2016 at 02:32PM by neolobers

My co worker was upset that office depot ruined her wedding invitations

She told a group of us that there was a huge black line down the middle of all the invites, I asked "so I guess black lines do matter?" She hit me, told me I was stupid, then cried. I feel it was worth it.



Submitted August 27, 2016 at 11:16AM by rationaljackass

I lost 250lbs...

Finally broke up with my girlfriend!



Submitted August 27, 2016 at 11:14AM by YAISEDDIT

˙ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq I ǝɯᴉʇ ʇsɐl ǝɥʇ sᴉ sᴉɥ┴

No text found

Submitted August 27, 2016 at 02:09PM by EnigmaticLemons

What do you call a homosexual Frenchman?

A faguette.



Submitted August 27, 2016 at 10:11AM by solipsistmaya

How did the butcher introduce his wife?

Meet pattie



Submitted August 27, 2016 at 12:45PM by d4r2ag0n

If inmates were in charge of taking their own mugshots

Would they be called cellfies?



Submitted August 27, 2016 at 10:38AM by trenton00

How does an Apple Watch owner know that it's midday?

It's already run out of battery.



Submitted August 27, 2016 at 09:24AM by Ava_a

What is Whitney Houston's favorite type of coordination?

Hand Eeeeeeeyeeeeeeeeeee...



Submitted August 27, 2016 at 02:21AM by whiskeyandfeet

What do you call a man with no arms and legs in a hole?

Phil or was it Doug?



Submitted August 27, 2016 at 09:56AM by trenton00

What do you call a woman that has one leg shorter than the other?

Eileen.. Unless she's from Asian descent and then she would be Irene.



Submitted August 27, 2016 at 10:06AM by trenton00

Forget everything you learned in college...

'Forget everything you learned in college. You won't need it working here.'

'But I never went to college.'

'Well then, I'm sorry. You are underqualified to work here.'



Submitted August 27, 2016 at 09:34AM by kingsghost

A cop is confronted by a white guy with a gun and a black guy with a nerf bat. Who does he shoot first?

The bystander with the camera.



Submitted August 27, 2016 at 07:09AM by KubrickIsMyCopilot

As a child I was obsessed with the difference between cosine and sine

As I got older I realized it was just a phase



Submitted August 27, 2016 at 08:36AM by infstudent

[x-post /r/Jokes] [OC] An old blacksmith was working in his shop...

when there was a terrible accident. The fire in his forge had gone out of control and set fire to the shop. The blacksmith nearly lost his life. He was bedridden for many months and relied on the help of his children and grandchildren to feed him, bathe him, and take care of all of his needs. Eventually he was able to get back on his feet, though his outlook on life had turned quite grim. He was now able to take care of himself, but he had lost much of his strength and dexterity from the injuries he sustained and he was unable to practice his trade. He fell into a deep depression and he spent most of his days sitting at home in front of the fireplace gazing into the flames, longing for the days when his strong hands could grasp a hammer and strike a hot piece of iron, slowly forging it into a beautiful piece of work.

One evening when the old man was sitting in front of the fire, he heard a knock at the door. It was his granddaughter, whom he hadn't seen in many months. She had overheard her father talking to her mother about how her grandfather was slowly slipping away into depression and hopelessness and she wanted to help. To the old man's surprise, she had brought him a puppy. "I thought that since you're always here all by yourself that you might want someone you keep you company," the granddaughter said. The old man's eyes welled up with tears and the little puppy instantly jumped into his arms and began licking the tears from his face. The old man and his granddaughter spent the next several hours sitting on the floor of his house watching the puppy chase around a rubber ball, bouncing, jumping, panting, and licking. In that short time, the old man had made complete turnaround from being sad, lonely, and hopeless, to smiling from ear to ear, full of joy with his new-found companion. As the hours grew late and the puppy grew tired, the granddaughter said "Well Opa, I'm glad you like your puppy, but it's late and I should be heading home. By the way, what are you going to call him?" "Life," said the old man, "because he has given me a new meaning and joy to mine." The granddaughter kissed her grandfather on the cheek, wished him goodnight, and she left.

Many years passed and all the while, the old man and his little dog were inseparable. Everywhere the old man went, Life was always with him whether it was the post office, the grocery store, and even when the old man went to the barber shop, the little dog would sit patiently until the last hair on the old man’s head had been cut . The granddaughter would often come to visit to see how her grandfather and the dog were doing, and she was always glad to see that her grandfather was still happy. But at night, the old man would still sit in front of the fireplace with Life on his lap, gazing into the fireplace as flames cast dancing shadows across the room and he fell asleep to thoughts of his old smithing days.

One morning as the old man was getting the morning newspaper from the front porch, Life sprinted past him through the front door because he had spotted a squirrel across the street. Before the little dog could catch up with his prey, a speeding car struck the poor animal. The car came to a screeching halt and the old man hobbled as quickly as his old legs could carry them to his precious companion who lay whimpering on the side of the road. The little dog was alive but badly injured. The man who was driving the car got out to apologize to the old man, but his regrets went unnoticed by the weeping old man who only wanted to tend to his injured dog. Life’s two hind legs appeared limp and broken and the dog panted and whimpered as the old man carried him back into the house. The old man knew that his dog’s injuries required medical attention but because he was out of work, he wasn’t able to afford a veterinarian. Determined, the old man did the only thing he knew how to do. He found some of his old blacksmithing tools and scrap metal from his garage and proceeded to start a fire in his fireplace. His hands lacked the strength and precision they once had but eventually, he was able to forge a crude set of brackets that would hold the dog’s legs in place as his injuries healed. The old man tended to dog’s every need until eventually, Life was able to stand up on his own and soon enough, the dog could walk, and after a few more weeks, he could even manage a awkward, limping run. Unfortunately, the old blacksmith’s craftsmanship was lacking due to his own previous injuries and the braces that he had forged would often break when the dog ran too quickly, so the old man found himself back at the fireplace with his tools forging replacement parts for his little dog’s leg braces. It was tiresome, difficult work with his old frail hands, but he was determined to give his dog the best life that he could, so he kept at it.

One day, as the old man was forging a new set of parts for his dog’s leg braces, an ember jumped from the fireplace, catching the carpet on fire. The old man couldn’t get to the kitchen quickly enough to get a pail of water to put the fire out and tragically, the old blacksmith and his dog both perished as the house was engulfed in flames.

The next day, the granddaughter and her father came to where the old blacksmith’s house once stood and they began to search through the ashes and rubble for anything they could salvage as a keepsake of their lost loved one. “You know,” said the girl to her father, “I’m really happy that grandpa’s last years were as joyful as they were. Even though he was really sad that he couldn’t make a living as a blacksmith anymore, he really did seem happy after I brought him that puppy.” “Yes dear,” said the father. The daughter continued, “But isn’t it sad how his house was burnt down when he was making one of those leg braces for his dog?” The father looked down and picked up a small piece of metal from the ashes and said “That’s one of Life’s little iron knees.”



Submitted August 27, 2016 at 09:06AM by MyOtherAccount_3

Thank you, student loans, for helping me get through college.

I am forever in your debt.



Submitted August 27, 2016 at 05:47AM by JDogg_of_RS

my daughter dad joked me

I'm going through r/dadjokes to find some appropriate for an 8yo. She tried to take my phone and I tell her she can't because there are some with dirty words and her awesome reply is

"They didn't take a shower?"



Submitted August 27, 2016 at 01:43AM by e_line_65

I was talking with some people about the middle east ...

And we started on about syria. We talked about how the past foreign policy desicions really influenced Syria even though a lot of them were targeted to different countries, and there isn't really a clear solution. We talked and talked, and finally came upon the conclusion that what we've ended up with is a real crISIS



Submitted August 27, 2016 at 08:28AM by Nmaka

A man goes to church

And tells the priest "Father, I almost cheated on my wife."

The priest asks him "How do you almost cheat on your wife?"

The man says "Well, me and the woman were naked but we just rubbed against each other."

The priest looks at him disgusted and says "Rubbing is the same as putting it in. Never do it again, say five Hail Mary's and put $100 in the donation pan."

The next time the priest sees the man he is infuriated "You didn't put $100 in the pan!"

The man looks at the priest disgusted and says "I rubbed the money against the pan, and rubbing is the same as putting it in."



Submitted August 27, 2016 at 02:54AM by Nyrxmajor

Selling Coke.

The disappointed salesman of Coke returns from his Middle East assignment. A friend asked, "Why weren't you successful with the Arabs?"

The salesman explained, "When I got posted in the Middle East, I was very confident that I will make a good sales pitch as Cola is virtually unknown there. But, I had a problem I didn't know to speak Arabic.

So, I planned to convey the message through 3 posters. The first poster is a man crawling through the hot desert sand... totally exhausted and panting. Second, the man is drinking our Cola and Third, our man is now totally refreshed. Then these posters were pasted all over the place".

"That should have worked", said the friend."

He replied, "Well, I didn't know Arabic, neither did I realize that Arabs read from right to left..."



Submitted August 27, 2016 at 01:38AM by ExJan95

Good animal joke

A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution "this guy looks edible, never seen his kind before". So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace. The dog notices and starts to panic but as he's about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea and says loudly "mmm...that was some good lion meat!". The lion abruptly stops and says " woah! This guy seems tougher then he looks, I better leave while I can". Over by the tree top, a monkey witnessed everything. Evidently, the monkey realizes the he can benefit from this situation by telling the lion and getting something in return. So the monkey proceeds to tell the lion what really happened and the lion says angrily "get on my back, we'll get him together". So they start rushing back to the dog. The dog sees them and realized what happened and starts to panic even more. He then gets another idea and shouts "where the hell is that monkey! I told him to bring me another lion an hour ago..."



Submitted August 27, 2016 at 01:58AM by Axegrinder100

Wife just told me that she's pregnant with our first child..

The first thing I did was to make sure that I'm still subscribed to /r/dadjokes.. Priorities.



Submitted August 27, 2016 at 01:58AM by paohyean

I recently began my journey to becoming a vegetarian..

I quit cold turkey.



Submitted August 27, 2016 at 02:02AM by slippinsideways

Friday, August 26, 2016

Confucius Say

Man who run behind car get exhausted

But man who run in front of car get tired



Submitted August 26, 2016 at 10:58PM by NubCaakes

How many perverts does it take to put in a lightbulb?

One.

But it takes the whole emergency room to remove it.



Submitted August 26, 2016 at 09:58PM by iwantmoreletters

My dad just hit me with this one during the Panthers Pats game

Dad - "Boy, I bet that stadium gets really hot after the game is over"

Me - "why?"

Dad "Because all the fans are gone"



Submitted August 26, 2016 at 09:35PM by leejoness

My wife asked me how my run was

I answered "Where time travelers get tripped up when telling stories"

blank stare

"In tense"

glare



Submitted August 26, 2016 at 07:13PM by BearyGranny

I named my freezer "scratch" so I can tell everyone I made it from scratch.

No text found

Submitted August 26, 2016 at 08:31PM by TheWholeDamnInternet

Random stranger cold blooded floored me

My girlfriend and I were walking with her carrying a backpack and I was holding a bag of ice on each shoulder.

Random woman walks by and just looks at both of us and goes "she's really giving you the cold shoulder"

I was just floored. I never saw her before and I've never seen her again but I really hope things are working out for her.



Submitted August 26, 2016 at 07:29PM by TrillemaIsARealWord

'Do Not Touch'

Must be one of the scariest things to read in Braille



Submitted August 26, 2016 at 02:43PM by PaytheDevil

A Redditor walks into a bar

He cries out in pain.

His friend asks, "How did you even walk into that? You've encountered this hundreds of times before!"

The Redditor replies, "Well, not really? It seemed like a new post."



Submitted August 26, 2016 at 05:00PM by Arcitus

If pronouncing my b's as v's makes me sound Russian...

.... then soviet.



Submitted August 26, 2016 at 05:52PM by scatlasscatlas

Looks like he's also the dad of the family



Submitted August 26, 2016 at 03:00PM by fatherramon

Got the security guard while leaving work today

I was walking by the front desk with a leaf blower and the security guard puts his hands up and says "leaf me alone!"

i smirk at him and quickly come back with "Ahhh, I tree what you did there"



Submitted August 26, 2016 at 05:02PM by mickeymouse4348

What do you call an insect mixed with a rabbit?

Bugs bunny



Submitted August 26, 2016 at 04:27PM by Dozzler

What's the difference between everybody and bullets?

Everybody misses Harambe.



Submitted August 26, 2016 at 04:26PM by obvom

My new socks have the design of a jester's outfit...

I guess I have Motley crew socks.



Submitted August 26, 2016 at 03:06PM by Fantagious

Do you know the difference between a oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer...

Taste



Submitted August 26, 2016 at 04:15PM by SOGGYSAMICH

My spare car key doesn't turn the engine, but it lets me get into the car...

I guess, just like my jokes, it's just a little door key.



Submitted August 26, 2016 at 04:26PM by Fantagious

Why do Jewish fathers have their sons circumcised?

They know Jewish women can't resist anything with 10% off.



Submitted August 26, 2016 at 12:33PM by finthehuman93

What political party does Matthew McConaughey belong to?

Alt-Right, Alt-Right, Alt-Right!



Submitted August 26, 2016 at 03:08PM by JerkyChew

How come redheads never break stuff?

They do everything gingerly.



Submitted August 26, 2016 at 02:44PM by StMartinus

I got my wife while baking a cake last night

She was using a funnel to make holes in the cake for a "poke" cake.

Wife: The funnel is filling up with cake

Me: I guess that makes it a funnel cake then

The sound of disappointment she made was all the approval I'll ever need.



Submitted August 26, 2016 at 01:57PM by Scrpn17w

A kid gets in a taxi

The taxi driver tries to be funny and jokes with the kid, also making fun of him.

If your mom would be an idiot, what would you be?

An idiot, answers the kid.

The driver starts laughing

If your dad was a retard, what would you be?

A retard, answers the kid.

If your dad was a retard and your mom was an idiot, what would you be?

A taxi driver, answers the kid



Submitted August 26, 2016 at 10:01AM by Narekthepotato

How long does it take to reach the ground from 110 stories up?

The rest of your life.



Submitted August 26, 2016 at 08:43AM by finthehuman93

What did the egg say to the boiling water?

It's gonna take me a little while to get hard, I just got laid by this chick.



Submitted August 26, 2016 at 09:55AM by john_cc

Three logicians walk into a bar

The bartender asks: "Do you all want a drink?"

The first logician says: "I don't know."

The second logician says: "I don't know."

The third logician says: "Yes."



Submitted August 26, 2016 at 10:14AM by VeryKbedi

A man accidentally rear-ended a car

The driver whom was rear-ended steps out of the car and, to the mans surprise, was a dwarf. He walks to the man and says "I am NOT happy."

The man responds: "Then which one are you?"



Su