Sunday, July 31, 2016

Ultimate dad joke

My kids were sitting around sharing dad jokes. I walked in and my youngest asked me, "Dad, what's the ultimate dad joke?" With a completely straight face I replied, "Children."



Submitted July 31, 2016 at 02:59PM by janisdg

Had my best man speech for my best friends wedding yesterday and I finished with a great one

"Well this has been a really emotional day, gosh...even the wedding cake is in tiers." Got lots of heavy sighing, laughs and tons of boos....I was very happy with the reception



Submitted July 31, 2016 at 11:42PM by AustinioForza

What does Tumblr and KFC's chicken have in common?

They both contain high amounts of trans fats.



Submitted July 31, 2016 at 09:46PM by KoolKoala96

A pregnant woman hobbles into the hospital with one hand on her back...

A nurse asks her what's wrong, and the pregnant woman screams, "Shouldn't! Wouldn't! Didn't!"

The nurse shakes her head and says, "I'm sorry…I don't understand."

The pregnant woman's face contorts in pain as she shouts, "Can't! Won't! Don't!"

The nurse, bewildered, turns to a doctor.

"Admit her," the doctor said. "She's having contractions."



Submitted July 31, 2016 at 06:28PM by madazzahatter

Three priests walk into a bar

and see a man whos already had a few drinks. The man walks up to them and says "you know I'm jesus christ". One of the priests replies "I don't think you are son" so the man says right, I'll prove it to you. He walks out of the bar and a few seconds later comes stumbling back in. The barman sees him and shout "jesus christ not you again"



Submitted July 31, 2016 at 05:31PM by Scarmody96

When my daughter was admiring a mural on the side of a factory...

Me: it's satis-FACTORY



Submitted July 31, 2016 at 10:18PM by strider820

What's long, hard and bendable and contains the letters p, e, n, i, s?

Your spine



Submitted July 31, 2016 at 07:18PM by kaostriker

Why do they evacuate women and children first?

You can't fix shit with all that screaming and crying.



Submitted July 31, 2016 at 06:57PM by Slimebeast

What game do Anti-Vaxxer's kids play in the pool?

Marco Polio



Submitted July 31, 2016 at 04:52PM by VonEemsington

Asked my dad if he liked the History channel

He said, "Yes, but it gets old quick."



Submitted July 31, 2016 at 06:06PM by hutimuti

I made this thinking It'd get me farther in life... but then I realized I had nothing to fill it with



Submitted July 31, 2016 at 05:29PM by Jduncan017

I accidentally ate a piece of rope...

I shit you knot



Submitted July 31, 2016 at 11:10AM by sizeablepain

Some people have trouble sleeping.

I can do it with my eyes closed.



Submitted July 31, 2016 at 06:27PM by mykeuk

Dad joke used every time at a restaueant

Server: "do you gentlemen have any questions about the menu?"

Dad: "yes, what font is this?"



Submitted July 31, 2016 at 05:43PM by BigMikeCassel

A police officer pulls over a driver...

A police officer pulls over a driver and informs him that he has just won $5,000 in a safety competition, all because he is wearing his seat belt.

"What are you going to do with the prize money?" the officer asks.

The man responds, "I guess I'll go to driving school and get my license."

His wife says, "Officer, don't listen to him. He's a smart aleck when he's drunk."

The guy in the back seat pops up out from under the blanket and says, "I knew we wouldn't get far in this stolen car."

Just then a knock comes from the trunk and a voice calls out, "Are we over the border yet?"



Submitted July 31, 2016 at 03:28PM by MarkBlackUltor

If there's such a thing as dadjoke photography, I think my dad would be champion.

They might not be puns, but I still feel like he fits right in.

I don't see him much, but the pictures he shares keep me rolling my eyes and stifling a smile pretty regularly.



Submitted July 31, 2016 at 03:47PM by SexualCannibalism

The only thing that Trump and I can agree on...

...is that I would also date Ivanka if she wasn't his daughter.



Submitted July 31, 2016 at 12:56PM by mapsmail999

"It's a boy!" I shouted, tears rolling down my face. "I don't believe it. A boy!"

It was at that moment I decided I'd never visit Thailand again.



Submitted July 31, 2016 at 10:53AM by haXterix

The cooler broke at work yesterday, and we had to throw out about $4,000 with of milk...

In the process, a lot of it ended up spilling on the floor. One of the older guys that I work with walked in and said, "Wow, this place is an UDDER disaster."



Submitted July 31, 2016 at 11:19AM by DuctTapeNinja99

My uncle Robert was a shit ventriloquist

He used to stick his hand up my arse and tell me to say nothing



Submitted July 31, 2016 at 09:47AM by sisterchristopher

"Son, I wanted to let you know you were adopted," my dad told me.

"Are you kidding? Really?" I shouted.

"Yup, get ready," he said. "They'll be picking you up in about an hour."



Submitted July 31, 2016 at 10:52AM by JDogg_of_RS

What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo?

One's really heavy, and the other one's a little lighter.



Submitted July 31, 2016 at 09:35AM by AndreasBerthou

10 catholic priests all die in a bus accident....

When they arrive at the Pearly Gates, St. Peter acknowledges them.

He sees that they're all priests and immediately says, "If any of you are paedophiles, there's no point waiting here. You might as well fuck off straight to hell right now!"

9 of the priests turn around and begin to walk away.

St. Peter calls after them,

"AND TAKE THE DEAF BASTARD WITH YOU TOO!"



Submitted July 31, 2016 at 07:49AM by madazzahatter

Knock, Knock...

Who's there?

Peas.

Peas who?

Peas pass the butter



Submitted July 31, 2016 at 10:58AM by JDogg_of_RS

What did the Indian boy say to his mother as he left for school?

Mumbai!



Submitted July 31, 2016 at 08:14AM by MrLamebro1

A Jewish redditor decides to post a foreskin joke.

[removed]



Submitted July 31, 2016 at 04:19AM by DA_HELL_I_AM

Talking To My Dad

"Hey dad, what rhymes with orange?"

"No, it doesn't."



Submitted July 31, 2016 at 06:25AM by DamnDanielToHell

Drove my wife to the edge with this one

We were on the road, and she was complaining about having sore hands.

Me: Do you think your hands are sore because all you've done today is drive us all places?

Wife: Yeah - too much time gripping this steering wheel.

Me: Oh, that's carpool tunnel syndrome.



Submitted July 31, 2016 at 07:19AM by ign1fy

I like my pizza like I like my women

Absolutely no pubic hair.



Submitted July 31, 2016 at 12:19AM by Neltech

My dad tried to be funny at a restaurant.

So me and my family were at a restaurant and my mom wanted a photo of us. She asked a waiter if we could take a picture, and after the waiter said yes, my dad said "well take this one" and pointed at a photo on the wall...



Submitted July 31, 2016 at 07:23AM by TheSmileyProject

Just been to Tesco and swapped 50 raisins for 100 sultanas.

I can't believe the currant exchange rate.



Submitted July 31, 2016 at 06:43AM by KinkyLAD

6 people in a plane

3 kids, a teacher, a lawyer and a Catholic priest.

The plane is going down and there are only 3 parachutes. The lawyer runs over and grabs one.

Teacher: what about the children!?!

Lawyer: fuck the children!

Priest: is there time?



Submitted July 30, 2016 at 11:02PM by Nogardknight

Why does Dora the Explorer love chip credit cards?

There's no more swiping



Submitted July 30, 2016 at 11:01PM by flipsometits

My Grandpa said, "Your generation relies too much on technology!"

I replied, "No, your generation relies too much on technology!"

Then I unplugged his life support



Submitted July 31, 2016 at 12:05AM by ChristopherDane

Dad Hot Chile Peppers

Mom: how were The Red Hot Chile Peppers?

Dad: did they give anything (it) away?

Dad: put that on Reddit



Submitted July 31, 2016 at 12:47AM by Moe_Joe21

Saturday, July 30, 2016

I didn't get this "World's Greatest Dad" mug for nothing.

It cost $14.99



Submitted July 30, 2016 at 10:30PM by orangesbeforecarrots

It was only three times... promise.

Sam was very ill and it looked like the end might be approaching so he calls his wife Becky near. Sam says to her, "Becky, I was wondering - have you ever cheated on me?"

Becky replies, "Oh Sam, why would you ask such a question now? You don't want to ask that question..."

"Yes, Becky, I really want to know. Please..."

"Well, all right. Yes, 3 times..."

"Three? Well, when were they?" he asked.

"Well, Sam, remember when you were 35 years old and you really wanted to start a business on your own and no bank would give you a loan? Remember, then one day the bank president himself came over the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked?"

"Oh, Becky, you did that for me! I respect you even more than ever, to do such a thing for me. So, when was number 2?"

"Well, Sam, remember when you had that last heart attack and you were needing that very tricky operation, and no surgeon would touch you? Then remember how Dr. Smith came all the way up here, to do the surgery himself, and then you were in good shape again?"

"I can't believe it! Becky, you should do such a thing for me, to save my life. I couldn't have a more wonderful wife. To do such a thing, you must really love me darling. I couldn't be more moved. So, all right then, when was number 3?"

"Well, Sam, remember a few years ago, when you really wanted to be president of the golf club and you were 26 votes short..?"



Submitted July 30, 2016 at 09:43PM by 51Cards

My family went to the zoo today.

So we're at the koala exhibit and have just learned that they sleep for about 18 hours a day. My little brother sees one and excitedly points out, "Look, it's awake!" My dad then replies, "No dummy, it's a koala."



Submitted July 30, 2016 at 08:19PM by BigTeddyBetsThePot

What does a gay rooster say?

"Anycockledoooooo!"



Submitted July 30, 2016 at 09:59PM by euphoric_disclosure

I thought removing my snail's shell would make him faster...

Turns out that it just made him more sluggish.



Submitted July 30, 2016 at 08:51PM by MobileTechGuy

What do you call a rabbit with a bent dick?

Fucks Funny.



Submitted July 30, 2016 at 02:36PM by DogdomDoge

A student once asked me (teacher here) if there was a curve on the test before I handed them out...

I picked up the stack, bent it back and forth, and told the poor class that it appears there is indeed a big curve.



Submitted July 30, 2016 at 07:56PM by sum_buddy

My wife caught me crossdressing and said we were finished.

So I packed her stuff and left.



Submitted July 30, 2016 at 07:55PM by medwynt

πππππππ

Look, it's an octopi



Submitted July 30, 2016 at 06:24PM by irbinator

Got dad joked hard while shopping yesterday

My dad and I go up to the cash register at a clothing store to pay for some shorts. My dad asks the cashier "Do you take chips?" (Credit card chip readers) Without hesitation the cashier goes "Yes sir and we have salsa to go with that" and holds up a fresh jar of salsa from behind the register



Submitted July 30, 2016 at 05:24PM by mkgator23

my dad made a great observation...

all the math teachers were pregnant at my middle school, and i remember asking my dad why.

dad: "because they like to multiply"



Submitted July 30, 2016 at 06:50PM by konnernextdoor

I like my coffee like I like my slaves...

Free.



Submitted July 30, 2016 at 10:01AM by FarazR90

What do you call it when a chicken is staring at lettuce?

Chicken sees a salad.



Submitted July 30, 2016 at 03:26PM by SpookyDonger

The widow ask the doctor "Why did my husband die?"

Doctor responds: "Heavy drug use, ma'am"

Widow: "But doctor, my husband didn't use drugs!"

Doctor: "I know, but I did"



Submitted July 30, 2016 at 10:15AM by ujorge

I can make you speak Irish

Say Whale oil beef hooked quickly



Submitted July 30, 2016 at 02:01PM by lurksavage124

Dad had me dying 3 years ago



Submitted July 30, 2016 at 02:42PM by dfawlt

My Girlfriend assured me that a small penis should never be an issue in a loving relationship..

But I still wish she didn't have one at all.



Submitted July 30, 2016 at 01:36PM by The_devils_advocate6

I had a gay friend in high school...

...who fell into a coma. We called him Tomato: he was a fruit and a vegetable.



Submitted July 30, 2016 at 01:36PM by bocephus607

My family is going on a cruise.

The first thing my dad said when we stepped on deck was "it smells like ship in here"



Submitted July 30, 2016 at 02:23PM by ablack82

This subreddit needs a reality check.



Submitted July 30, 2016 at 02:58PM by honkykat

Some people have difficulties sleeping...

but I can do it with my eyes closed.



Submitted July 30, 2016 at 10:07AM by Nirovora

Toilet usage

When my stepson asks 'Can I use the toilet quickly?':

'Let's find out - I'll time you. Go!'

I think he hates me.



Submitted July 30, 2016 at 01:11PM by mr_richie

Monica Lewinski Will Not Vote for Hillary Clinton

The last Clinton presidency left a bad taste in her mouth.



Submitted July 30, 2016 at 12:16PM by Kim-Jong-Skill

How do you confuse a gay person?

Seven



Submitted July 30, 2016 at 10:30AM by TheOnlyAccount

Got dadjoked in the car.

I'm going to main event with my friends.

Mom: Don't spend your money on gadgets or do-dads to waste it.

Dad: What about do-mums?

Mom: chokes on gum



Submitted July 30, 2016 at 12:38PM by DuskStruck

My neighbour owes me £500 and he won’t pay up...

A man went to his lawyer and told him, ‘My neighbour owes me £500 and he won’t pay up. What should I do?’ ‘Do you have any proof he owes you the money?’ asked the lawyer. ‘Nope,’ replied the man. ‘OK, then write him a letter asking him for the £1,000 he owed you,’ said the lawyer. ‘But it’s only £500,’ replied the man. ‘Precisely. That’s what he will reply and then you’ll have your proof!’



Submitted July 30, 2016 at 01:22AM by sohnles

Dad Joked a customer last night.

I work as a bartender at a classy cheese and wine bar in the DC area. Last night after some harmless flirting with some middle aged ladies, one exclaimed, "Sauvignon Blanc! That's my white jam!"

I replied, "Ma'am that's actually a wine, not a jam."



Submitted July 30, 2016 at 08:49AM by TheSheepdog

Why don't crabs give to charity?

Because they're shellfish.



Submitted July 30, 2016 at 12:13PM by guitnut

The store I used to work at had a customer drive into the building...

For the next month, every dad in my town went through my line saying "Huh, I didn't know you had a drive thru." One right after the other, it was like a dad assembly line from hell.



Submitted July 30, 2016 at 01:18AM by Assdolf_Shitler

Are we as a society going to reject clickbait journalism?

The answer may surprise you!



Submitted July 30, 2016 at 01:43AM by xjqz

What's brown and rhymes with snoop?

Dr. Dre



Submitted July 30, 2016 at 06:00AM by MarblePython

Daddy, I fell in love & want to date this awesome girl!

Son:"Daddy, I fell in love & want to date this awesome girl!" Father: "That's great son. Who is she?" Son: "It's Sandra, the neighbor's daughter" father: "Ohhh I wish you hadn't said that. I have to tell u something son, but you must promise not to tell your mother. Sandra is actually your sister. "The boy is naturally bummed out, but a couple of months later ... Son: "Daddy, I fell in love again n she is even hotter!" Father: "That's great son. Who is she?" Son: "It's Angela, the other neighbor's daughter." Father: "Ohhhh I wish you hadn't said that.Angela is also your sister." This went on couple of times and the son was so mad, he went straight to his mother crying. Son:"Mum I am so mad at dad! I fell in love with six girls but I can't date any of them because dad is their father!" The mother hugs him affectionately and says: "My love, you can date whoever you want. Dont listen to him He isn't your father."



Submitted July 30, 2016 at 03:44AM by sohnles

Why did the wizards wife have hickeys on her neck?

Because he was a neck-romancer....



Submitted July 30, 2016 at 06:56AM by swarticus

On his death bed, an old Jew says to his wife:

Oh, Sarah, when the shop burned down you were right beside me, no? - Sure I was, Moshe.

When the Nazis drove us out of our beloved Deutschland you were beside me again, no? - I was, Moshe.

And now you're at my death bed, aren't you? - I am, darling.

I'm starting to think you're bad luck, Sarah.



Submitted July 30, 2016 at 01:39AM by Karamoo

A married couple was in a terrible accident...

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter. After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty! One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you." "My darling," he replied, "think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."



Submitted July 29, 2016 at 09:29PM by noonejudgeme

How do you disappoint a Redditor?

[removed]



Submitted July 30, 2016 at 03:24AM by DecentKek

Having gay parents must be horrible...

Like, you either get double the dad jokes or get stuck in a infinite loop of "Go ask your mom". I can't imagine the pain.



Submitted July 29, 2016 at 11:07PM by DamnDanielToHell

A guy asked a girl in a university library...

..."Do you mind if I sit beside you?” The girl replied with a loud voice, "NO, I DON 'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!" All the students in the library started staring at the guy; he was truly embarrassed. After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy 's table and said, "I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed, right?” The guy then responded with a loud voice, “$500 FOR ONE NIGHT? THAT 'S WAY TOO MUCH!” All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock. The guy stood and whispered in her ear, "I study law, and I know how to screw people."



Submitted July 29, 2016 at 09:51PM by james_kaka

Friday, July 29, 2016

test post, plez ignore

No text found

Submitted July 30, 2016 at 12:30AM by JSquiggs

"It's 103 degrees today dad."

"Not cool son."



Submitted July 29, 2016 at 10:45PM by ArmyVeganCrossfitter

What is space like without a space suit?

Breathtaking.



Submitted July 29, 2016 at 11:15PM by Deathwish2233

I got caught fapping...

while sniffing my friend's sister's underwear yesterday. It wouldn't have been so bad if she wasn't still wearing them at the time. He went fucking ballistic. Sure as hell made the rest of her funeral really awkward.



Submitted July 29, 2016 at 07:07PM by JDogg_of_RS

What do you call Donald Trumps backup singers.

The Trumpets



Submitted July 29, 2016 at 08:27PM by Oscar_M_Weiner

an Irish daughter...

had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her father cursed her.

Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum thru?

The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff....dad....I became a prostitute...."

"Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family."

"OK, dad-- as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a savings certificate for £5 million."

"For me little brother, this gold Rolex and for ye daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club....(takes a breath)....and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years' Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and...."

Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says dad.

Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff....a prostitute dad! Sniff, sniff.

"Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant. Come here and give yer old man a hug!"



Submitted July 29, 2016 at 02:54PM by KellyfromLeedsUK

A train hits a bus filled with Catholic school girls...

and they all perish. They are in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates when St. Peter asks the first girl, " Tiffany, have you ever had any contact with a male organ? She giggles and shyly replies, "Well, I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger." St. Peter says, " Okay, dip the tip of your finger in the Holy Water and pass through the gate." St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, "Jennifer, have you ever had any contact with a male organ?" The girl is a little reluctant but replies, "Well, once I fondled and stroked one." St. Peter says, " Okay, dip your whole hand in the Holy Water and pass through the gate." All of a sudden, there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls. One girl is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front, St.Peter says, "Reeva, What seems to be the rush?" The girl replies, "If I’m going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Jessica sticks her ass in it.



Submitted July 29, 2016 at 01:17PM by sohnmichal

I couldn't find the thingy that peels the potatoes and the carrots, so I asked the kids...

Apparently she left me two days ago.



Submitted July 29, 2016 at 12:52PM by haXterix

Dad doesn't understand his weather app.



Submitted July 29, 2016 at 04:08PM by platnumcy

What happens when the pope dies?

Another one popes up.



Submitted July 29, 2016 at 03:01PM by Bobblepie

When I used to work at a restaurant...

For awhile there in university, I worked as an appetizer cook for a higher end restaurant. At the end of some shifts I'd make use of the staff discount and cook up some calamari or make a sushi roll for myself.

Sometimes my GF (now wife) would join me in this post-shift snack. When she would ask something equivalent to, "How was your shift?" I'd often respond mid-bite and say in a snooty French accent, "I ate my work!" She's been groaning for almost 20 years now.



Submitted July 29, 2016 at 12:58PM by Freklred

Why did the hearing aid salesman quit his job for a life of piracy?

Because he only made a good buccaneer



Submitted July 29, 2016 at 02:54PM by GeorgieRoots

An old man walks into a bar...

...and orders a beer. The bartender notices the guy's head is the size of a tennis ball.

"I have to ask, sir," says the bartender. "Without sounding rude, what happened to your head?"

The old guy sighs and tells him, "My ship was torpedoed by the Germans in WWII. A mermaid rescued me and promised to grant me three wishes. For my first wish, I asked to return to the States. My second wish was to have all the money I would ever need. Finally, my third wish was to have sex with the mermaid."

"That doesn't sound too bad," says the bartender. "Then what happened?"

"Well," sighs the man, "mermaids can't have sex, so I asked her if I could just have a little head... ."



Submitted July 29, 2016 at 11:08AM by CamJT

How do you know when the moon is going broke?

When it's down to its last quarter.



Submitted July 29, 2016 at 01:48PM by fine-rusty-knife

Ted Was Worried... [LONG]

Ted, my friend and colleague for many years called me and told me he was worried his wife was having an affair.

"I think she's having an affair with Greg from sales" he told me.

I asked him "what makes you think that?

"Ah, well" he explained "Whenever my wife has a coffee, she mixes in a teaspoon of honey, then takes a sip and says "mmm, just like mama used to make""

I nod

"So when I went to the break room, i saw Greg, and he made himself a coffee..."

I nod

"...and he takes a teaspoon of honey and mixes it in, then he looks me straight in the eyes and says"

"I fucked your wife".



Submitted July 29, 2016 at 09:37AM by h8monster0

New Father

A proud new father sits down with his dad to have a drink.

"Well son, now that you have a son of your own its time I gave you something."

"Dad you dont mea-"

"Yes I do. You've earned it." Says the father as he passes a copy of '1001 Dad Jokes 5th Edition' to the son.

"Dad I dont know what to say...I'm honored."

"Hi honored," Replies the father. "I'm dad."



Submitted July 29, 2016 at 09:44AM by Karamoo

What's a musician's favorite drinking game?

Circle of Fifths.



Submitted July 29, 2016 at 11:53AM by aristotelianrob

How did the octopus pay for his newspaper?

With ten nickels.



Submitted July 29, 2016 at 11:17AM by wabawanga

When does a joke turn into a dadjoke?

When the punchline becomes apparent.



Submitted July 29, 2016 at 12:55PM by zorberema_

A sadist, a masochist, a murderer, a necrophile, a zoophile and a pyromaniac are all sitting on a bench in a mental institution, bored out of their minds.

"How about having sex with a cat?" asked the zoophile.
"Let's have sex with the cat and then torture it," says the sadist.
"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it and then kill it," shouted the murderer.
"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it and then have sex with it again," said the necrophile.
"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it, have sex with it again and then burn it," said the pyromaniac.
Silence took over... and the masochist says: "Meow."



Submitted July 29, 2016 at 09:43AM by zerogear5

My sister eloped last year, the formal wedding is this weekend

I asked her to serve fruit bowls at the reception. I asked her if they could have some cantaloupe.

...

"You know, since you can't elope."



Submitted July 29, 2016 at 12:08PM by kavisiegel

Two nuns are biking back to their convent

after a long day out nunning about in the community.

They take a different route than normal, and after a while, one says to the other: "You know, I've never come this way before."

The other replies: "Yes, it must be the cobblestones"



Submitted July 29, 2016 at 09:24AM by CestMoiIci

I broke up with my girlfriend recently...

Her name was Simile. I don't know what I metaphor.



Submitted July 29, 2016 at 10:09AM by behven

Talking to my co-worker about Indian food....

Me: I can't believe you don't like Indian food! I love the bread it's so good!

Co-worker: I don't really like bread so...

Me: So ... I guess that means you are naan a fan

Co-worker proceeds to give me intense glare



Submitted July 29, 2016 at 10:48AM by Decakebaker

An Australian, and Englishman, and a Japanese guy are shipwrecked...

An Australian, and Englishman, and a Japanese guy are shipwrecked after their cruiseship sank.

After they compose themselves, the Englishman takes charge of the situation.

He turns to the Australian: "alright chap, I think I shall go down the beach to search for food, shelter, supplies... you know, things that will keep all 3 of us alive until we are rescued."

"No worries." The Australian replies. "You go up the beach, I'll go down the beach and look for supplies."

They turn to the Japanese man.

The Australian says to him: "maybe you should head inland and look for supplies?"

He is met with a blank stare. After repeating himself, it becomes clear that the Japanese guy knows very little english.

It takes a lot of gesturing and yelling, but soon the Japanese man nods enthusiastically and runs inland to look for supplies. The other 2 men head off to also search.

Towards sundown, the Englishman and the Australian return with some supplies, but the Japanese man is nowhere to be seen. Worried, the two men head inland to look for him.

They walk for almost an hour, and begin to lose hope. Suddenly, they hear a rustle in the bushes... scared and curious, both men move closer to the noise... and out jumps the Japanese man, yelling "SUPPLIES!"



Submitted July 29, 2016 at 06:51AM by babyrobotman

Why should never trust an open door?

Girl: Why?

Dad: Because its most likely a-jar



Submitted July 29, 2016 at 10:20AM by TheOneInTheFridge

I bought a broken marionette recently

No strings attached



Submitted July 29, 2016 at 09:45AM by BoydOrr

My Most Favorite

When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker's circuit, he usually found himself eagerly longing to get back to his laboratory work. One night as they were driving to yet another rubber-chicken dinner, Einstein mentioned to his chauffeur (a man who somewhat resembled Einstein in looks & manner) that he was tired of speechmaking. "I have an idea, boss," his chauffeur said. "I've heard you give this speech so many times. I'll bet I could give it for you." Einstein laughed loudly and said, "Why not? Let's do it!" When they arrived at the dinner, Einstein donned the chauffeur's cap and jacket and sat in the back of the room. The chauffeur gave a beautiful rendition of Einstein's speech and even answered a few questions expertly. Then a supremely pompous professor asked an extremely esoteric question about anti-matter formation, digressing here and there to let everyone in the audience know that he was nobody's fool. Without missing a beat, the chauffeur fixed the professor with a steely stare and said, "Sir, the answer to that question is so simple that I will let my chauffeur, who is sitting in the back, answer it for me."



Submitted July 29, 2016 at 07:30AM by hinnah_batool

Sitting around the dinner table when...

Mom - I wonder why Greeks eat a lot of lamb? Dad - Well it's not baaaaaaaaaad for you. Mom - leaves dinner table



Submitted July 29, 2016 at 09:35AM by Abush9527

A Jehovah's Witness knocks on a Jew's door...

Jew: "Can I help you?"

Witness: "Hello sir, I'm here to tell you about the great Lord Jehovah!"

Jew: "Is that what you call him? You know, we have a name for him too..."

Witness: "No way?!"

Jew: "Yahweh."



Submitted July 29, 2016 at 09:12AM by smarvin6689

Dentist

A guy and a girl meet at a bar. They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place. A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands. He then takes of his trousers and washes his hands again. The girl has been watching him and says, "You must be a dentist." The guy, surprised, says "Yes! How did you figure that out?" "Easy," she replied, "you keep washing your hands." One thing led to another and they make love. After they have done, the girl says, "You must be a good dentist." The guy, now with a boosted ego says, "Sure, I'm a good dentist, How did you figure that out?"

"Didn't feel a thing!"



Submitted July 29, 2016 at 04:22AM by ChadParker267

I walked into a chicken coop, and took a deep breath

Something smelled fowl.



Submitted July 29, 2016 at 08:23AM by jneu2012

What's the difference between being hungry and horny?

Where you put the cucumber.



Submitted July 29, 2016 at 06:03AM by zerogear5

A chicken walks into a hotel...

A chicken walks into a hotel and walks to the front desk.

The manager asks him "Are you here for check-in or check-out?"

The chicken says "always a chicken"



Submitted July 29, 2016 at 07:32AM by zeyadjamal

So a priest, a pedophile and rapist walk into a bar

...he orders a drink



Submitted July 29, 2016 at 05:21AM by hydrohydro

I once had a goldfish that could break-dance on a carpet,

but only for like 20 seconds...



Submitted July 29, 2016 at 05:53AM by lukalucasluka

I married a European chess master.

He's my Czech mate.



Submitted July 29, 2016 at 03:00AM by Elee_Tadpole

I lent a hot girl my umbrella yesterday.

That takes the number of girls I've made wet this year to -1.



Submitted July 29, 2016 at 01:07AM by docantub

Talking to my son about how to fight a Grizzly

"There's no way you could take down a grizzly, they're too big." "Sure there is, I could do it with my bear hands." rolls eyes



Submitted July 29, 2016 at 03:48AM by mstell77

Dad's daughter was hiding



Submitted July 29, 2016 at 03:55AM by GiveMeBackMySon

A nun and a priest are crossing the Sahara [NSFW]

A nun and a priest are crossing the Sahara on a camel. On the third day, the camel dies with little warning. As they dust themselves off, the nun and priest appraise their situation. After a long silence, the priest states: 'Well, sister, this looks to be pretty serious.' 'I know, father. As a matter of fact, I don't think it's likely for us to survive more than a day or two.' 'I agree' affirms the priest. 'Sister, since we likely won't escape here alive, could you do something for me?' 'Anything, father.' 'I haven't seen breasts and I was wondering if I could see yours.' 'Well... under these circumstances, I don't see anything bad in it...' The nun undresses and the priests was content, commenting on their beauty: 'Sister, do you mind if I touch them?' She agrees, so the priest feels them up for several minutes. 'Father, may I ask you something?' 'Certainly!' 'I haven't seen a penis. Can I see yours?' 'I think it would be alright' responds the priest, lifting his robe. 'Oh, father, can I touch it?' The priest agrees and after a few minutes of fondling he finds himself with a pretty serious erection. 'You know, sister, if I introduce my penis in the right place, it can give life.' 'Is this true, father?!' 'Yes, it is, sister.' 'Oh, father, that's wonderful! Then stick it in that camel so we can get the fuck out of here!' [of Romanian origin, translated as close to original phrasing (translations lean towards mot-a-mot) to maintain cultural nuance]



Submitted July 29, 2016 at 01:49AM by hontao524

Thursday, July 28, 2016

I always carry a picture of my wife and children in my wallet.

It reminds me why there's no fucking money in there.



Submitted July 28, 2016 at 08:04PM by smarvin6689

Pregnancy hurts

My wife is 30 weeks pregnant. When she got up from the couch, she winced in pain. Being the caring husband that I am, I asked what was wrong. She responds with "oh just round ligament pain". She glared when I asked how her square ligaments were doing.



Submitted July 28, 2016 at 08:56PM by mickguinness

The secret to wealth

A young man once asked a rich older man how he earned all his money. The dapper old fellow smoothed his tailored jacket and said, "Well young man, it was 1932, in the depths of the Great Depression. I was down to the last penny I had."

"I took that penny and I went and bought an apple. I spent the whole day shining that apple until it gleamed like the sun, then I took that apple to the market and sold it for two cents."

"The next day I took those two cents and bought two more apples. I shined those apples all day and all night until they were perfect, then I sold them at the market for four cents the next day. I worked like this for a month, sometimes selling, sometimes not, and at the end of the month I'd amassed myself a fortune. Nearly eight whole dollars. I'd never been so proud of myself in my life."

"Then my wife's father died and left us 3 million bucks."



Submitted July 28, 2016 at 09:17PM by smarvin6689

Drinking tea when...

Me: I don't like this flavor.

BF: Would you say it's... not your cup of tea?



Submitted July 28, 2016 at 09:17PM by chisopolis

What's the difference between John Wayne and Jack Daniels?

Jack Daniels is still killing Indians.



Submitted July 28, 2016 at 07:23PM by JDogg_of_RS

Bear waks into a bar

He says to the bartender: "hey..............hows it going?"

The bartender replies: "why the big pause?"



Submitted July 28, 2016 at 07:34PM by jaythegiver

What sound does a turkey make if its leg is hurt?

Hobble hobble hobble!



Submitted July 28, 2016 at 07:52PM by hellslave

If your partner is overweight, get them to walk 3 miles in the morning and 3 miles in the evening.

After 2 weeks the fat fucker will be 84 miles away



Submitted July 28, 2016 at 05:31PM by Rhiknow

If smoking is so bad for you

How come it cures salmon?



Submitted July 28, 2016 at 02:17PM by _TheChainsOfMarkov_

Some Things You Just Can't Explain....

A farmer was sitting in the neighborhood bar getting drunk. A man came in and asked the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day, getting drunk?" The farmer shook his head and replied, "Some things you just can't explain." "So what happened that's so horrible?" the man asked as he sat down next to the farmer. "Well," the farmer said, "today I was sitting by my cow, milking her. Just as I got the bucket full, she lifted her left leg and kicked over the bucket." "Okay," said the man, "but that's not so bad." "Some things you just can't explain," the farmer replied. "So what happened then?" the man asked. The farmer said, "I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left." "And then?" "Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket." The man laughed and said, "Again?" The farmer replied, "Some things you just can't explain." "So, what did you do then?" the man asked. "I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right." "And then?" "Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as I got the bucket full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail." "Hmmm," the man said and nodded his head. "Some things you just can't explain," the farmer said. "So, what did you do?" the man asked. "Well," the farmer said, "I didn't have anymore rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in ... Some things you just can't explain.



Submitted July 28, 2016 at 03:35PM by howa2

My Dad jokes are like a Jamaican barbershop...

Dreadful.



Submitted July 28, 2016 at 05:18PM by ginkyboy

Where did Captain Hook get his hook from?

The second hand store!



Submitted July 28, 2016 at 05:14PM by YankeesFan80

My sister asked me if I was gay

I couldn't give her a straight answer.



Submitted July 28, 2016 at 09:46AM by fegoc180

My boss phoned me and he wasn't happy.

"You're late!" he yelled. "We've got an important meeting in ten minutes!"

I said, "I'm on my way to my car as we speak."

He said, "Do you think you'll make it?"

I said, "Probably, it's only a few feet away."



Submitted July 28, 2016 at 11:31AM by TommehBoi

My son and I were walking to the ice cream shop when we approached a crosswalk. I asked my son what are we looking for before we cross the street...

"Ice cream" he says.



Submitted July 28, 2016 at 02:16PM by DavidCFalcon

My Mum: "Has it rained much today?"

My Dad: "Well not as much as Queen Elizabeth the Second."

I had to leave the house after this one.



Submitted July 28, 2016 at 02:16PM by RBeilby

Can someone please tell me where I can buy a set of tectonic plates for my dinnerware set?

I think they would make a great addition to my world cups and super bowls.



Submitted July 28, 2016 at 01:39PM by jmitchelld

On his 74th birthday, an old man received a gift certificate from his wife...

The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.

After being persuaded to go, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man and wondered what he was in for.

The old man handed a potion to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned, "This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoon and then say '1-2-3'." When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life and you can perform as long as you want."

The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?"

"Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'" the medicine man responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."

The man was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he quickly took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!" Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes as she asked "What was the 1-2-3 for?"

And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.



Submitted July 28, 2016 at 12:54PM by smarvin6689

Bubba dies in a fire and his body is pretty badly burned.

The morgue sends for his two best friends, Daryl and Gomer, to identify the body.

Daryl arrives first, and when the mortician pulls back the sheet, Daryl says, "Yup, his face is burnt up pretty bad. You better roll him over."

The mortician rolls him over, and Daryl says, "Nope, ain't Bubba."

The mortician thinks this is strange. Then he brings Gomer in to identify the body. Gomer takes a look at the face and says, "Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over."

The mortician rolls him over and Gomer says, "No, it ain't Bubba."

The mortician asks, "How can you tell?"

Gomer said, "Well, Bubba had two assholes."

"What? He had two assholes?!" exclaims the mortician.

"Yup, every time we went to town, folks would say, 'Here comes Bubba with them two assholes.'"



Submitted July 28, 2016 at 10:33AM by KiNGAr00

People who drop out of school have no principals or class.

No text found

Submitted July 28, 2016 at 12:00PM by Kopextacy

If your dad tells a joke and you turn it back around on him, you may be able to witness a groan man.

No text found

Submitted July 28, 2016 at 12:09PM by Sorthum

Friend: "Why did Tim Kaine name his son Woody?" Friend's dad: "Why woody not?"

No text found

Submitted July 28, 2016 at 10:34AM by MandyAlwaysKnows

Outside with a friend when I squished a bee...

"Did you hear that"
"What?"
"The bee, when I squished it."
"What about it?"
"It made a funny sound, like a music tone... I think it was a B flat."



Submitted July 28, 2016 at 10:54AM by JustHach

Once, in an African village....

Once, in an African village, a native man walked up to a missionary with a look of fury on his face. "My wife gave birth today," the native growled, "and the baby is white! And you're the only white person within 100 miles of here! "

The missionary glanced around guiltily for a moment but quickly regained his composure. "Look at those goats over there," the missionary said, pointing at the village's livestock. "All of them are white, except for that black one over there. Sometimes nature works in mysterious ways. "

The native's eyes widened, and he nodded at the missionary. "I understand, sir. I'll stop talking about the white baby..." and here his voice dropped to a whisper. "... And you stop talking about the black goat. "



Submitted July 28, 2016 at 06:00AM by DaGoz

Haven't seen Gareth in ages

Got my friend (who I have repeatedly dad joked for the past five years) again at lunch today while discussing meeting up with another close friend of ours:

Friend: Cool! Haven't seen Gareth in ages

Me: I don't think he's ever been to ages though so maybe that's why you haven't seen him there :3

Friend: seen him where?

is [this] a shit joke again?

Me: Perhaps

Friend: stop being Rumpelstiltskin

Picture



Submitted July 28, 2016 at 07:42AM by IsaacJDean

What do you call being cold in a meat freezer?

Chilly con Carne.



Submitted July 28, 2016 at 09:17AM by AnjohnsPez

I was in a nightclub grinding on a girl.

When someone said, "What the fuck are you doing with that skateboard?"



Submitted July 28, 2016 at 07:50AM by TommehBoi

She asked for a Golden Retriever [xpost]

She got a Golden Retreiver

And that look.....that's the look we all know and love. A truly well executed dad joke.



Submitted July 28, 2016 at 08:30AM by SgtMac02

The difference between before/after getting hired

When Timmy went in for an interview at ABC company, he was hired after a very brief interview. A little skeptical at first, Timmy asked the company representative a few questions.

It went like this:

ABC: Trust me, this company could really use someone new

Timmy: If there is too much work, I'm going to quit...

ABC: We'd NEVER let something like that happen

Timmy: Do employees get every Saturday and Sunday off?

ABC: That's a granted.

Timmy: Are employees required to work overtime without pay?

ABC: No way. Where did you even come up with such a ridiculous idea?

Timmy: Are meals subsidized?

ABC: You BET.

Timmy: Do the new employees usually end up doing ALL the work?

ABC: That's impossible. There are so many other experienced people in our company.

Timmy: If I did well, would I ever become a manager?

ABC: Yes. Absolutely.

Timmy: Wow. Is this for real?

After working there for several months, Timmy noticed that the job wasn't panning out the way he had been promised. Quite upset, he went to file a complaint to the HR dept. The next day, Timmy was summoned into the management's office, where they threatened to fire him for voicing out.

To see his conversation with the management, read the conversation above again.... from the bottom to the top.



Submitted July 28, 2016 at 05:39AM by Beatorexac

Carly Rae Jepsen comes home from work

Dad: "HI MAYBE!"



Submitted July 28, 2016 at 07:09AM by Ollieacappella

How did we win against the war against slugs?

We used an A-SALT rifle



Submitted July 28, 2016 at 06:27AM by _BlNG_

Facts of life

At his 103rd birthday party, my grandfather was asked if he thought that he’d be around for his 104th.

"I certainly do," he replied. "Statistics show that very few people die between the ages of 103 and 104."



Submitted July 28, 2016 at 01:29AM by redrose125

How can you tell if an envelope is gay?

It comes in the mail.



Submitted July 28, 2016 at 01:46AM by notsofastandy

The Lawyer's dog

A dog ran into a butcher shop and grabbed a roast off the counter. Fortunately, the butcher recognized the dog as belonging to a neighbour of his. The neighbour happened to be a lawyer. Incensed at the theft, the butcher called up his neighbour and said, "Hey, if your dog stole a roast from my butcher shop, would you be liable for the cost of the meat?" The lawyer replied, "Of course, how much was the roast?" "$7.98." A few days later the butcher received a check in the mail for $7.98. Attached to it was an invoice that read: Legal Consultation Service: $150.



Submitted July 27, 2016 at 11:06PM by OG_QewQew

Who was the biggest slut in history?

Ms. Pac Man! For 25¢, that bitch will swallow balls until she dies.



Submitted July 27, 2016 at 08:50PM by princess_swizzle

Why can't you email a photo to a Jedi?

Because attachments are forbidden.



Submitted July 27, 2016 at 11:16PM by FPSHaji

Called my dad from different phone today ...

When he picked up he told me that "it showed up as 'private caller' when you called. I told your mother that we should reject the call because I only accept lieutenant caller and higher."

Credit to my friend's dad



Submitted July 28, 2016 at 03:04AM by xThoth19x

A kid noticed his dad's new haircut

Son- Hey dad, did you get a haircut?

Dad- No, I got all of them cut.



Submitted July 27, 2016 at 10:34PM by BongoKing3

Wednesday, July 27, 2016

A teacher was giving a math lesson...

...and she asked one of her students, "If you had two dollars, and you asked your father for another, how many dollars would you have?"

The student replied, "Two dollars."

"Not quite," the teach responded. "Sounds like you don't know your addition.

"No," the student said, "you just don't know my father."



Submitted July 27, 2016 at 10:23PM by smarvin6689

If men call short women "petite", what do women call short men?

"friends"



Submitted July 27, 2016 at 09:58PM by Diogenes--

Co-worker got this text from her dad

A flock of terns landed a field of medical marijuana. A vet went out to check on them. He found no tern unstoned.



Submitted July 27, 2016 at 10:46PM by LegoGreenLantern

A man comes home from work...

A man comes home from work and he finds his wife furious at him.

She screams "Why did you sleep with my sister while you were at work!?"

He replies "Well she was lying on the table, naked, and you know she's an attractive woman, so what did you expect me to do?"

"Perform the autopsy."



Submitted July 27, 2016 at 09:12PM by Sean081799

"Mom, i'm in the hospital."

"Jeremy, you have been a doctor for 8 years now please stop starting every phone conversation with that."



Submitted July 27, 2016 at 03:25PM by PowerOfLmnop

Why did the twinkie go to the dentist?

He lost his filling!



Submitted July 27, 2016 at 08:58PM by johngreenink

I didn't think my doctor could fix my bowed legs.

I stand corrected.



Submitted July 27, 2016 at 04:44PM by Agent4777

Girlfriend asks her 9 year old nephew, who just ate a huge burrito in record time, to practice eating more slowly in the future

Him: "Ok. Why don't I practice with another burrito?"

This kid is going places.



Submitted July 27, 2016 at 06:30PM by faceoftheancients

A professor told dirty jokes in class and the women wanted to protest it.

So they decided that in the next time that the professor will start with these kind of jokes they all will leave the class as a protest. Somehow the professor heard about the plan. In the next lecture, in the beginning of the lecture he said: "In Sweden a prostitute makes £2000 per night." All the women stood up and started to leave the class. So he shouted after them: "Where are you going? The plane to Sweden doesn't take off until the day after tomorrow."



Submitted July 27, 2016 at 05:11PM by Beatorexac

A teacher calls her first grade class

from recess. She goes up to little Sally and asked, "Sally, what did you do at recess?" "I played in the sand box." "Good. Now, if you can spell the word 'sand' on the black board, I'll give you a fresh baked cookie." So she spells the word right and gets a cookie. Then comes in little Billy. "Billy, what did you do at recess?" "I played in the sand box with Sally." "Good. Now, if you can spell the word 'box' on the black board, I'll give you a fresh baked cookie." So he spells it right and gets a cookie. Then comes in little Mohammed from recess. "Mohammed, what did you do at recess?" "Billy and Sally threw rocks at me!" "Hmm, that sounds like blatant racial discrimination. If you can spell 'blatant racial discrimination', I'll give you a fresh baked cookie."



Submitted July 27, 2016 at 04:28PM by insolent_swine

I made my girlfriend a Gin and Tonic

she said, "Thanks, babe. I love it!"

I replied, "So you can say it really Schwepped you off your feet?"

 

She took a very extended sip and walked away



Submitted July 27, 2016 at 04:00PM by TheFifthsWord

I only believe in 12.5% of everything the Bible says.

Which makes me an eighth theist.



Submitted July 27, 2016 at 03:57PM by FourWordReplies

A lawyer, laying on his deathbed..

... in his bedroom, called to his wife and told her to run and get the Bible as soon as possible.

Being a religious woman, she thought this was a good idea, so she ran and got it. As soon as she returned with the Bible, the lawyer snatched it from her and began quickly scanning pages, his eyes darting left and right.

Curious, his wife asked, "What are you doing, honey?" "I'm looking for loopholes!" he shouted.



Submitted July 27, 2016 at 12:19PM by _-reddit-

I was eating some watermelon last night...

My wife says "Be careful, there may be the odd seed in there." I quickly asked back "Are there any even seeds in here?" I had to repeat myself 3 times before I got the biggest eye roll ever. Meanwhile, I was on the floor laughing.



Submitted July 27, 2016 at 03:54PM by Morganfreemansmouth

Why don't we know the weight of the rarest diamond in the world?

Never mined.



Submitted July 27, 2016 at 03:59PM by emzieees

Hillary Clinton should wear her glasses to appear more presidential. If she doesn't...

the optics will be horrible



Submitted July 27, 2016 at 03:55PM by iam4real

An Old Man Lies dying in 2070...

Surrounded by his family.

Trying to extract some final wisdoms from him and keep him company in his final days, his son asks "What's the part of your life that sticks out to you most Dad?"

He responds "I can perfectly remember my youth. Those summer days fifty years ago seem in my mind to be as clear and perfect as this moment now."

His son exclaims "Wow, fifty years! Your memory was always so impressive, even in your old age pop"

"But of course" his dad says back, "hindsight is 2020"



Submitted July 27, 2016 at 03:00PM by Blueleader96

A guy walks into a bar and sits down.

Bartender asks: "What can I get you?"

Guy says: "Jack and coke"

Bartender nods, goes under the bar, gets up, and puts an apple on the bar. The guy says, "I ordered a Jack and coke, what the hell is this." Bartender says "Just try it." The guy takes a bite and says to the bartender: "Holy shit this tastes just like Jack Daniels!" The bartender says "Turn it around." Guy turns the apple around, takes another bite and says "Holy shit this tastes just like coke!"

Another guy comes into the bar, sits near the first guy.

Bartender asks: "What can I get you?"

Guy says: "Vodka tonic."

Bartender nods, goes under the bar, pulls out an apple, and places it on the bar. The guy says "What the hell is this?" Bartender says, "Just try it." The guys does and exclaims "This tastes just like tonic!" The bartender says "Turn it around." The guy does and says "Wow! This tastes like vodka!"

A third guy walks into the bar and sits down. The other two guys say: "This bartender has magic apples that taste like whatever you want! Seriously order ANYTHING and he'll give you an apple that tastes like it!"

The guy says to the bartender: "Okay then, I want an apple that tastes like pussy."

The bartender nods, goes under the bar, takes out an apple, and places an apple on the bar. The guy picks it up, takes a bite and immediately spits it out.

The guys says: "This is disgusting! This tastes like ass!!"

The bartender says: "Turn it around."



Submitted July 27, 2016 at 12:43PM by insolent_swine

I went to the urologist today...

The receptionist asked me to pee in a cup, I told her that I didn't think I would be able to since I just peed before my visit.

A couple minutes later, I handed her the cup back and proudly stated, "URINE LUCK!"



Submitted July 27, 2016 at 03:25PM by forrest_fire78

Guess who I bumped into at the opticians today?

Everyone.



Submitted July 27, 2016 at 02:41PM by oneilldom

A backpacker is in the Scottish Highlands, when he comes upon a bar in a seaside village.

He decides to go into the bar. There is one other person there, an old, burly man.

"Yer see this bar here? I built this bar with my bare hands, chopped the finest wood in the county, with the finest nails, but do they call me McGregor the bar builder? No."

points out the window

"Yer see that wall over there? I built that wall with my bare hands, found the finest stones and laid them with care, but do they call me McGregor the wall builder? No."

points out other window

"Yer see that lighthouse there? I painted and built that lighthouse, used the finest paint in the village, and found the finest whale blubber to burn in the lamp, but do you think they call me McGregor the lighthouse builder? No."

looks at the wide-eyed backpacker

"But yer fuck one goat..."



Submitted July 27, 2016 at 11:46AM by BurritoInABowl

A 60 years old billionaire marries a hot 25 year old girl..

After honeymoon they throw a party celebrating their marriage...

After a few drinks, billionaire's friends want to know the secret of how he landed 25 yo hottie..

"It's simple" billionaire boasts... "I faked my age"

"Yes, but even for a 40/45 years old guy...she is sensational, what age btw did you tell you are?" A friend asks.

With a smile on his lips billionaire responds "85 years old"



Submitted July 27, 2016 at 12:07PM by niranjan-basarkar

Guy gets on a city bus...

and sits down next to a really hot girl. The bus bumps and her glass eyes falls out of its socket and the guy catches it. To repay him for catching her eye and due to the awkwardness she invites him to dinner and a movie and after that they went back to the guys house and had great sex! In the morning the guy looks at the girl and asks: "Do you usually hang out and have sex with random strangers"? She replies: "No, You just happened to catch my eye"!



Submitted July 27, 2016 at 08:01AM by KidBoyJohnCena1

Two blondes are waiting at a bus stop...

A bus pulls up and opens the door. One of the blondes leans inside, asking the driver - "will this bus take me to 5th Avenue?" The bus driver shakes his head, "no, I'm sorry, it won't" he says. The other blonde leans inside and asks, "how about me?"



Submitted July 27, 2016 at 10:42AM by djeclipz

I've been waiting 7 years, 3 months, and 2 days to say something about

Something about



Submitted July 27, 2016 at 09:00AM by lobbanisgod

Dad made a joke in San Francisco.

We had finished walking the Golden Gate Bridge and were in our car. I took off my shoes and noticed that my socks had holes in them.

"I didn't know you had religious socks," he said to me.

"What?" I replied.

"You know, because they're holy."



Submitted July 27, 2016 at 11:54AM by The_Kalawishis

Aztek

Context: Conversation between Friend 1 and Friend 2 about Friend 1's Pontiac Aztek

F1: "Hey, my car doesn't have a flippy gas cover thing, is it supposed to have one?"

F2: "I don't know actually, I'm not an expert on Aztecs, I'm more of an Inca kinda guy."



Submitted July 27, 2016 at 11:45AM by veedees

Why don't dinos sit down when they go out to eat?

Dinosore.



Submitted July 27, 2016 at 10:46AM by madd74

Asked my boss how her morning was going.

Me: Hey boss how's the morning going?

Boss: Good except I just dropped coffee all over the floor.

Me: You know, that's not why they're called coffee grounds.

Boss: Glare



Submitted July 27, 2016 at 10:09AM by paisano66

My uncle went to the doctors today

when he returned my aunt asked: "what did the Doctor say?" uncle: "Hello"



Submitted July 27, 2016 at 10:12AM by istanbrawl

Bill Clinton likes to go for a walk every Saturday evening...

One evening, he passed by an alley, and a prostitute yelled at him, "Fifty dollars will buy you a good time!"

He responded by saying "How's about 5 dollars?", jokingly, and kept walking.

This same thing kept happening every Saturday for a couple weeks; every time Bill passed the prostitute, she would offer him her services for fifty dollars, and he would decline and say he'd only pay five. One evening, however, Hillary asked if she could come along on the walk with him, and Bill reluctantly agreed, nervous about what Hillary would say if the prostitute yelled at him again. They went on the walk, and when they passed the alley, to Bill's surprise, the prostiture was silent, and they continued on their walk. As they were about to round the corner, however, they heard the prostitute's voice from behind them,

"So that's what five dollars gets you, huh?"



Submitted July 27, 2016 at 04:25AM by awesomeness243

I have a really good joke about pussy

... but redditors don't get it.



Submitted July 27, 2016 at 08:18AM by bmacmachine

I really hated my new haircut

But it grew on me.



Submitted July 27, 2016 at 09:47AM by Rogue177

Loki is okay...

Me - 'How was your morning' The misses - 'Low key' Me - 'I am not asking how Thor's brother is, I am about you' The misses - blank empty look. She will likely leave me soon.



Submitted July 27, 2016 at 09:05AM by NorthernSparkUK

Saying 'I'm sorry' and 'I apologise' mean the same thing..

.. except when at a funeral.



Submitted July 27, 2016 at 07:28AM by AriSpaceExplorer

My dad adopts an alter ego any time he farts

He starts shadow boxing and proclaiming he is "Gaseous Clay" and "he is the greatest"



Submitted July 27, 2016 at 07:19AM by jty87

What do a dildo and tofu have in common?

They are both meat substitutes.



Submitted July 27, 2016 at 02:34AM by katch47

My old physics teacher: "Can anyone tell me the unit of power?"

Teacher: Can anyone tell me the unit of power?
Class: Watt
Teacher: I SAID, CAN ANYONE TELL ME THE UNIT OF POWER?



Submitted July 27, 2016 at 07:26AM by jibbist

Why do fish live in salt water?

Because pepper makes them sneeze!



Submitted July 27, 2016 at 07:15AM by JDogg_of_RS

"Dad, how do you know that carrots are good for your eyes?"

ask a son.

"Well, have you ever seen a rabbit wearing glass, junior?" replied dad.



Submitted July 27, 2016 at 07:10AM by JDogg_of_RS

Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?

Don't worry though, he woke up.



Submitted July 27, 2016 at 06:34AM by Zak7062

What do you call an alligator in a vest?

An investigator



Submitted July 27, 2016 at 04:59AM by IamtheDenmarkian

Why is 'The Lord of the Rings' so long?

Because J.R.R could never stop Tolkien.



Submitted July 27, 2016 at 03:44AM by sumkidy

A girl saw a guy scratching his testicles in public.

Girl : how can you scratch your private parts in public? I can never dare to do any such thing.

Guy : That's because you don't have the balls to do it.



Submitted July 26, 2016 at 11:39PM by akash_saroha

A blonde woman was speeding

down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer, who was also a blonde.The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated. "What does it look like?" she finally asked. The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it."

The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. "Here it is," she said. The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "OK, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop..."



Submitted July 26, 2016 at 09:06PM by insolent_swine

Tuesday, July 26, 2016

You’re a sandwich

Me: Dad, make me a sandwich! Dad: Poof, You’re a sandwich!



Submitted July 27, 2016 at 01:15AM by farhan11222

Just received a classic dad text

He had been helping me cut a piece of linoleum and busted out this gem.

http://ift.tt/2a6uVFl



Submitted July 26, 2016 at 10:50PM by ThatLoudmouthBird

I gave my girlfriend a wet willy

She got annoyed, so I asked "what's wrong? Are you ear-itated?"

Got a vocal laugh, and was promptly told that it wasn't funny.



Submitted July 26, 2016 at 09:51PM by itsmrmarlboroman2u

If God were an engineer...

3 Engineers are sitting at the bar, having a conversation along the lines of "If God were an engineer, what kind of engineer would he be?"

The Mechanical Engineer: "Obviously he was mechanical. Look at the joints, the complex range of motion, the connective tissue. Mechanical Engineer for sure!"

The Electrical Engineer: "No way. Electrical. Look at that brain! All the nerves, neurons, every little electrical impulse that ties it together! Must've been Electrical!

The Civil Engineer: Takes a sip of his drink. "Nope. I can say for a fact that the human body was designed by a Civil Engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreation area?"



Submitted July 26, 2016 at 08:04PM by wittyb

Overheard at the zoo

We were in the bird exhibit and a family was nearby.

"Daddy! Come look at the toucan!"

"Honey, listen, it's just got one can"

The best part was that he never even acknowledged the pun. Stated it matter of fact.



Submitted July 26, 2016 at 07:16PM by ThumYorky

My Daughters Have Tom Clancy Themed Rap Names

I have two daughters, Claire (5) and Maren (1.5). When they were born, one of my first duties as dad was to give them rap names. After much brainstorming and deliberation I chose Claire and Present Danger and then to keep with theme, Mare Force One.

Could I have done better?



Submitted July 26, 2016 at 06:21PM by RanLaughingSatEasy

A Marine boarded a train on his way home from deployment...

The train was quite crowded, and the Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat. There seemed to be one next to a well-dressed middle-aged French woman, but when he got there he saw it was taken by the woman's poodle. The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?" The French woman sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude.. My little Fifi is using that seat.." The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat available was under that dog. "Please, Ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired." She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!" This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window and sat down.

The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honor! Put this American in his place!" An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up. "Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window."



Submitted July 26, 2016 at 08:03PM by KellyfromLeedsUK

What is the difference between a golfer and a skydiver?

One goes

Whack "Shit!"

and the other goes

"Shit!" Whack



Submitted July 26, 2016 at 02:32PM by QuietBitterBeings

Chinese takeout: $11.77. Price of gas to get there: $1.90. Making it all the way home and realizing that they forgot one of the containers:

Riceless



Submitted July 26, 2016 at 06:48PM by TI86

Why do birds fly south in the Winter?

Because its too far to walk!



Submitted July 26, 2016 at 07:27PM by JDogg_of_RS

Little boy has diarrhea and tells his mom he needs viagra

Mom replies " What the hell for?" Boy replies "Isn't that what you give dad when his shit doesn't get hard?"



Submitted July 26, 2016 at 02:34PM by Seabass812

Why can't you trust a softball pitcher?

Because they use underhanded tactics.



Submitted July 26, 2016 at 05:34PM by Maimonides_vii

As far as I know

Was watching a show with my sister that I had already seen. One lady was believed to be dead and when she was found alive, my sister asked, "how long has she been alive?" I shot back with "as far as I know, her whole life!"



Submitted July 26, 2016 at 04:14PM by VikingFashion

My dad has still got it...

We were taking my two year old to the aquarium today. On the way my dad said, "hey, I read that Russian scientists have come close to successfully breeding a manatee with a person. Just think... In a few years we could take <my daughter> back to the aquarium and she could look up and say, 'Oh the humanatee!'"

Grandad jokes are like a fine wine. He's had his whole life to perfect his craft.



Submitted July 26, 2016 at 03:52PM by Seemoreglass82

A man wakes up in a dingy slum,

with no memory of how he got there. He wanders around aimlessly before he finds even one person who will talk to him. Some ratty beggar on the street turns out to be nice enough to explain where he is.

"You're in the afterlife!" he tells the man, "But you must have been a real shithead when you were alive, because this is the fourth ring, and only the worst people come here."

All of a sudden, a siren goes off, one of those air-raid things. The man is terrified but the beggar gets up calmly and leads him to a big, dilapidated warehouse where thousands of other similarly unkempt souls are gathering. When the man asks why they're all here, the beggar points to a line of folding tables against the wall. Each table has some moldy bread, cups of dingy water, and some bowls of broth so thin they could have just run out of cups. Only then does the man realize how hungry he is. A guard in heavy body armor blows a whistle and all the people arrange themselves into three lines.

The beggar is helpful enough to explain them for the man. "That one's the bread line, that's the broth line, and that's the water line. All the food here is free, but if you want to get out of this maggot hole, you've got to work, because the gate guards into the third ring ask five hundred dollars to get through. I've heard the food is better there."

So the man gets his food. It's abominable, and right then and there, he vows to make five hundred dollars and get into the third ring. Unfortunately for him, very few people need work in the afterlife, especially when all of them are saving up to emigrate. Even still, after ten years of hard work, eating the moldy bread and indistinguishable soup and water, he finally saves up enough money. The guards let him through and he finds himself in the third ring. It's nothing too fancy, if anything, it's a bit below average for a real city, but to his eyes it is paradise. All the guards look much friendlier, and the houses and buildings, while not spacious or lavish, are at least up to code. And to his surprise, he runs right into a familiar former beggar as he crosses the street.

"What are the odds?" they both ask and they get to conversing. The beggar, it turns out, only managed to make it in himself a few months back. Their conversation is interrupted, however, by what sounds like a school bell. When the man seems confused, the beggar leads him to what looks like a giant gymnasium. Here, people are gathering once again, and the man begins to understand. On a line of folding tables against one wall are stacks of hot dogs, big bowls of salad, and solo cups full of fresh lemonade. A cop shouts for everyone's attention and directs them all to stand in three lines. The beggar smiles at the man's wonder and points to each line in turn. "That's the hot dog line, that's the salad line, and that's the lemonade line." The man gets in each line in turn and gets himself his lunch.

While he's eating, basking in joy at not being stuck with old bread and water, the beggar encourages him, "The best part is, halfway through the year, they switch from hot dogs, salad, and lemonade to chicken, chili, and hot chocolate. You can never get tired of it!"

Sadly, this proved not to be true. After only a few days, the man did again get tired of the same meal every day. But he knew firsthand that he could change his lot, so one day he went up to the wall of the second circle. This time the guards were asking for ten thousand dollars. Well, the man didn't like it, but he figured he had his whole afterlife ahead of him now that he was out of the fourth circle, and he could certainly take some time to save up. After ten years of hard work, it wasn't too difficult for him to keep up the work ethic, and only twenty years later, he went back to the guards of the second ring with the money in hand. He went through the gate and found himself in a glittering, clean city full of glass and steel.

And wouldn't you know it, but there, standing across the street was the same beggar, only now he was wearing a well-fitted suit. The man greeted the beggar as an old friend and they started talking again. Once again, their conversation was interrupted, only this time it was by beautiful church bells. "Come," the beggar told him, "I'll take you to the evening meal." So the man followed and they entered a glamorous ballroom filled with beautiful attendees. Even the cops here looked good, dressed in suits and sunglasses like bodyguards. And sure enough, piled onto platters on huge mahogany tables against the far wall were plates of steak, bowls of the most delicious seafood soups, and glasses of champagne. One of the bodyguards cleared his throat loudly and politely requested that the attendees line up. Three lines were formed and the beggar pointed each line out in turn. "That's the steak line, that's the soup line, and that's the champagne line," and then he added, "and apparently here, they change the meals FOUR times a year!"

The man rejoiced, ate, and was happy, and for once felt that nothing was lacking. Four changes a year was enough for him. But one day, out of curiosity, he went up to the bodyguards that guarded the gate into the first and final ring of the afterlife and found they were asking for a million dollars to pass. Well the man was a bit disturbed by this, after all, the second ring seemed perfect to him. "What is it," he thought, "that could possibly be more wonderful than what I have here?" That question haunted him for weeks until he came to a conclusion. He was used to working hard and he had all of eternity to save up, so he wanted, just once to see what he could possibly be missing in the first ring.

Fifty years later, he returned to the guards with a million dollars. When he stepped into the first ring he fell to his knees. The architecture was glorious and inhuman, and the bodyguard had turned into shining angels. To his surprise, someone helped him up off the street and when he looked, he realized he recognized who it was--it was the beggar he met in the fourth ring, adorned in a golden robe and glowing, and when he looked down at himself he realized he looked much the same.

The beggar laughed jovially. "I got here only three years ago myself, but somehow I knew you would be right here behind me. I've come back to this gate every day waiting for you to make it in!" Suddenly, the air was filled with the sound of angelic choirs and the beggar led the man off to a gigantic palace made of crystal and cloud. The room was filled with radiant citizens of the first circle and angels prepared everything. Sure enough, there was a line of massive altars against one wall, spilling over with glistening golden dragon meat, a pudding refined from clouds and dew and silk, and an ice cold tub of ambrosia and nectar ladled out individually into blindingly beautiful crystalline chalices. An angel fluttered from the ceiling and bowed silently to the assembled mass, who bowed respectfully back and then broke themselves into their lines on their own.

Smiling at the tradition, the beggar pointed to the first line. "That's the line for the dragon meat," he said before turning to the next line, "and that's the line for angeldust stew," then he paused, confused.

"What is it?" the man asked his old friend.

The beggar replied, "There appears to be no punchline."



Submitted July 26, 2016 at 12:47PM by insolent_swine

Pac-Man

What should you do before you criticize Pac-Man?

WAKA WAKA WAKA mile in his shoes.



Submitted July 26, 2016 at 05:07PM by taocpa

I used to steal Mitch Hedberg jokes and try to pass them off as my own.

I still do, but I used to too.



Submitted July 26, 2016 at 03:48PM by llort_tsoper

What do you call a bear in the snow who can't make up his mind about his sexual orientation?

A bi polar bear.



Submitted July 26, 2016 at 03:18PM by Kopextacy

A pirate's wife asks him what body part he'd be most okay with losing

The pirate thinks and replies, "my spine!"

"Why?" says his wife, a little surprised

"Because it's holding me back!"



Submitted July 26, 2016 at 01:13PM by ggez247

The new library only has 3 floors but is still the tallest building on campus

It has the most stories.



Submitted July 26, 2016 at 02:00PM by kleenecks

An english boat is sinking near the German coast

The english operator contacts the German control. "This is UK120, We are sinking, I repeat, We are sinking".

The germans respond: "What are you sinking about?"



Submitted July 26, 2016 at 10:05AM by _1_1_1_1_1