Thursday, June 30, 2016

New CEO

The board of directors at one company decided to hire new executive staff in order to increase the company's profits. The new CEO was a very tough guy who made it his mission to rid the company of slackers. One time he notices a guy in the hallway leaning against the wall picking his nose. As there were other employees in the hallway, he decides to make a public firing. He walks up to the guy and asks,

"How much do you make in a week?"

"$400" says the guy, stunned by such a question.

The CEO then goes into his office and a few minutes later comes out with a large stack of bills. He hands $1600 to the guy and says,

"Here's your pay for four weeks. You're fired. Now get the fuck out of here and never come back"

The CEO, clearly pleased what he had just done turns to the witnessing employees and asks,

"Does anybody know what the hell this slacker was doing?"

One of the employees says,

"He was a pizza delivery guy waiting for someone to pay for the pizza he'd just delivered."



Submitted June 30, 2016 at 09:57PM by rbk4life

Dad, did you get shot at in the army?

No son. I only got shot in the leggy.



Submitted June 30, 2016 at 11:35PM by UmbrellaCorp1961

How many cops does it take to push a black man down the stairs?

None. He fell.



Submitted June 30, 2016 at 10:28PM by rbk4life

My mother is opening a cake shop

We are trying to come up with a name for it. My father, who we assumed was asleep on the couch in the other room, yells out "name it 'Cakes by Edith.' That way you can have your cake and Edith too." God dammit dad.



Submitted June 30, 2016 at 11:25PM by Mattimation

30 years ago

A husband are his wife are lying in bed, reminiscing about their love life.

The woman asks: "What did you think of my body the day you first saw me naked, 30 years ago?"

"I wanted to fuck your brains out and suck your tits dry"

"And what do you think of my body now?" Uttered the woman as she removed her robe.

"I think i did a pretty good job"



Submitted June 30, 2016 at 05:55PM by JoeyMxx

Why did the two tampons not talk to each other?

because they're both stuck up cunts



Submitted June 30, 2016 at 07:36PM by ayanit1

Finally came up with a name for my sour, fig-flavored candy.

Fig Puckers

I earned an arm punch from my girlfriend with this one



Submitted June 30, 2016 at 10:57PM by panthermilk

Whats the difference between a gun and a feminist?

A gun only has one trigger



Submitted June 30, 2016 at 04:58PM by Shebloong

I smell maple syrup!

A mama mole, a papa mole, and a baby mole all live in a little mole hole. One day the papa mole sticks his head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says, "Yum! I smell maple syrup!"

The mama mole sticks her head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says "Yum! I smell honey!"

The baby mole tries to stick his head out of the hole to sniff the air, but can't because the bigger moles are in the way. So he says, "Geez, all I can smell is . . . . .

molasses."



Submitted June 30, 2016 at 04:15PM by ScrapeyElbows

A friend of my Father had owed him money for a while

He mentioned that because of him he's changed his policy, and always gets paid ahead.

"A head? And I thought an arm and a leg was bad"



Submitted June 30, 2016 at 08:05PM by DragonJTS

I started learning about Velcro.

But I kept getting stuck.



Submitted June 30, 2016 at 06:55PM by Tinkletyme

Trying to stay true to my roots...

So I got a C:\Windows tattoo.



Submitted June 30, 2016 at 06:38PM by Nateorade

Need help coming up with a pizza pun

Sorry that this isn't a joke itself but my pizza place is making a newsletter and I need to come up with a punny name for it. So far the front runner is MozzarelLA Times



Submitted June 30, 2016 at 04:12PM by oh_no_its_shawn

Dad Making Jokes in a Drive-thru

We pull into the drive-thru at McDonalds and my dad noticed all of the "free wifi" signs, so when who pulled up to collect our order he said to the woman working there "I would also like to order one free wifi, to go please". When the drive-thru lady finally got it, she let out a mighty sigh of defeat.



Submitted June 30, 2016 at 04:17PM by Deathball13

Bicycles have a hard time staying up because they're just two tired

No text found

Submitted June 30, 2016 at 04:43PM by Fluffguck

You know why English majors shouldn't smoke?

They suffer from a diction.



Submitted June 30, 2016 at 01:27PM by JonGhost

So how come the scientist avoided the boardwalk?

Because of the pier review



Submitted June 30, 2016 at 04:05PM by smashcuts

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight?

Because the octopus was well armed.



Submitted June 30, 2016 at 04:11PM by Mjamesdc

Did you get a haircut?

No, I got them all cut.



Submitted June 30, 2016 at 03:36PM by asillyfrog

My dad was looking at some photos...

…when his grandson asks him, "where am I?" My dad replies, "you're right here" while at the same time pointing at his grandson. He never ceases to amaze me.



Submitted June 30, 2016 at 01:57PM by python935

Did you hear about the thief who's stealing T-shirts in order of size?

He's still at large.



Submitted June 30, 2016 at 01:58PM by Overdick

Went golfing with my Grandpa yesterday..

We were on the 12th hole and I hit my tee shot a bit to the left. When we got to my ball there was a big 40ft tree right in my way and I was just going to hit around it when my grandpa chimed in:

"Ya know, when I was your age I could hit it right up and over that tree"

Well not to be outdone my ego took over and I grabbed my 9 iron to hit it right over that tree. I took my shot and THWACK the ball hit dead center of the tree and bounced back 30 yards behind me. That's when he chimes in again:

"Of course when I was your age that tree was only 2 feet tall!"



Submitted June 30, 2016 at 12:29PM by currentlydownvoted

I came here to say this.

No text found

Submitted June 30, 2016 at 01:07PM by fatclownbaby

Why the first Hulk movie was unpopular

You wouldn't like him when he's Ang Lee.



Submitted June 30, 2016 at 01:14PM by ItchCrikkit

In the abandoned building down the street from "Tailor Swift" I'm going to open a sketchy-looking alteration service...

called Seams Legit.



Submitted June 30, 2016 at 12:48PM by thegodawfultruth

So a guy works at a sex shop

And his friend was in the neighbourhood and decided to go in to say hello. After a brief hello and small talk, the shop owner asks his friend if he'll look after the store for 10-15 minutes, while he goes to the bank before it closes. The friend agrees and away he goes.

After 5 minutes, a woman walks in asking about one of the small vibrators on the wall behind him.

"Oh that white one? $25"

She agrees and pays him. After about another 5 minutes, another woman comes in asking about one of the dildos on the shelf.

"That big black one? Well it's kinda pricey, but $60 if you're interested."

She pays him as goes off on her way.

Just before the shop owner returns, another woman enters the store, but looks awfully nervous, as if she doesn't know what she wants, but quickly goes up to the front desk.

"How much for that one on the shelf, the big plaid one?" she asks timidly.

"Well that one's a limited edition, pretty much the only one in the store. It's quite pricey, I'm not sure if it's in your price range...$250."

She quickly thinks it over and says, "what the hell, you only live once! I'll buy it." He bags it up, and as she's exiting the shop, the owner returns.

"Hey thanks again for helping me out." He shakes his hand in gratitude.

"My pleasure," the friend replies.

"Did you manage to sell anything while I was away?" he asks.

"Absolutely. I sold one of your white vibrators for $25" the friend says proudly.

"Great! I sell them for $15."

Then the friend continues, "I sold the big black dildo for $60."

"That's incredible! I charge only $40 for it," the shop owner beams.

"You kidding? That's nothing! I sold your thermos for $250!"



Submitted June 30, 2016 at 08:21AM by hvisc

Why do midgets laugh when they run?

Because the grass tickles their balls



Submitted June 30, 2016 at 10:34AM by TexanStephen

THE WEDDING TEST

I was a very happy man.

My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me.

It was her beautiful younger sister, Sofia.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight mini-skirts, and generally was Bra-less.

She would regularly bend down when she was near me. I always got more than a nice view.

It had to be deliberate she never did it around anyone else.

One day she called me and asked me to come over. 'To check my Sister's wedding- invitations' she said.

She was alone when I arrived, she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me and she couldn't overcome them anymore. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married.

She said "Before you commit your life to my sister". Well, I was in total shock, and I couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom" she said. "If you want one last wild fling, just come up and have me".

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a bee-line straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me. He said, 'My Son, we are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter.

Welcome to the family my son.'

And the moral of this story is:

Always keep your condoms in your car.



Submitted June 30, 2016 at 11:14AM by poppajay

A very attractive, well dressed, woman walks into a shop that sells very expensive Persian rugs.

She looks around and finds the perfect rug and walks over to inspect it.

As she bends over to feel the texture of the rug, she farts loudly. Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and hopes a salesperson doesn’t pop up right now.

As she turns back, there, standing next to her, is a salesman. “Good day Miss, how may we help you today?”

Very uncomfortably she asks, “Sir, how much does this rug costs?”

He answers, “Lady, if you farted just touching it, you’re gonna shit your pants when you hear what the price is!”



Submitted June 30, 2016 at 05:37AM by ScrapeyElbows

How do you know a white person is about to tell a joke?

When they're looking over their shoulder.



Submitted June 30, 2016 at 09:16AM by chocolatinedu75

A man got lost on a camping trip

A man got lost on a camping trip. Rescuers scoured the wilderness until a medical emergency team finally spotted a solitary figure across a wide chasm.

“Charlie Smith,” someone shouted,” “is that you?”

“Yes, it is,” came the reply. “Who are you?”

“We're from the Red Cross.”

“I gave at the office!” Charlie shouted back.



Submitted June 30, 2016 at 04:25AM by MNREDR

Co-workers were taking about a life-size Elsa balloon

So I told them the trick is to not "let it go"



Submitted June 30, 2016 at 11:42AM by krigito

Dead again..

During a funeral, the pallbearers accidentally bump into a wall and hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find out that the woman is actually alive.

She lives for 10 more years and then dies. There is another funeral for her. At the end of the service, the pallbearers carry out the casket.

As they are walking out, the husband cries out, "Watch out for the wall!"



Submitted June 30, 2016 at 10:06AM by Mus_tee

What's some everyday conversations that can have a dad joke slipped into it?

No text found

Submitted June 30, 2016 at 12:35AM by what_was_that_again

Why don't they allow Buffallo on Kayaks?

Because its a Ka-YAK not a Ka-UFFALLO!



Submitted June 30, 2016 at 09:54AM by sdonaghy

Why were they native Americans in America first?

Because they had reservations....



Submitted June 30, 2016 at 10:03AM by TEMPLEWORKER

Royal Wedding

On the day of the Royal wedding, Sophie was getting dressed, surrounded by all of her family. She suddenly realised she had forgotten to get any shoes. Panic! Then her sister remembered that she had a pair of white shoes from her wedding so she lent them to Sophie for the day. Unfortunately they were a bit too small and by the time the festivities were over Sophie's feet was hurting real bad. When she and Edward withdrew to their room the only thing she could think of was getting her shoes off. The rest of the Family crowded around the door to the bedroom and they heard roughly what they expected, grunts, straining noises and the occasional muffled scream. Eventually they heard Edward say 'God, that was tight.' 'There,' whispered the Queen. 'I told you she was a virgin.' Then, to their surprise, they heard Edward say. 'Right. Now for the other one.' Followed by more grunting and straining and at last Edward said. 'My God. That was even tighter.' 'That's my boy,' said the Duke. 'Once a sailor, always a sailor.



Submitted June 30, 2016 at 07:57AM by MMSAUS

I'm going to open a clothing alteration shop that focuses on doing all jobs within an hour.

It will be called, Tailor Swift.



Submitted June 30, 2016 at 09:08AM by TheWholeDamnInternet

A father has a conversation with his twin sons.

One day sick of hiding in the closet the two boys decide to come out to their father. They sit their 67 year old father into his favourite lazy boy and bring him his pipe.

 

The dad amicably addresses his sons. "Well, what do you want, boys?" The first son brings sits down after seeing he's in a good mood and starts. "Dad... I'm gay. My friend and I have been dating for eight months. I want your blessing."

 

The Dad smiles taking a drag out of his pipe. "Kid, I've known you were gay since you were four. What's best is you accept yourself and I'm glad you've gained the confidence to..."

 

The second son relieved decides to come out of the closet as well. "D, dad. I'm a brony. I want to be with Princess Celestia and one day I..."

 

The father sighs and interrupts his second son.

 

"Can't you just like dicks like your brother? Why do you have to be such a faggot, boy?"



Submitted June 30, 2016 at 07:22AM by CrimsonofRose

Want to hear a word I made up?

Plagiarism



Submitted June 30, 2016 at 05:01AM by FabForXavier

The cannibal was late to dinner

He was given the cold shoulder



Submitted June 29, 2016 at 11:31PM by belungawhale

An elderly couple are at the cinema...

About halfway through the film, the wife leans over and says to her husband, 'I just let out a silent fart; what do you think I should do?'

He replies, 'You should put a new battery in your hearing aid.'



Submitted June 30, 2016 at 01:49AM by fistingbythepool

Wednesday, June 29, 2016

Who is Cap'n Crunch's superior Officer?

General Mills



Submitted June 29, 2016 at 10:19PM by TexasWeinerMan

I recently came across this ground breaking technology

jackhammer



Submitted June 29, 2016 at 11:29PM by rplusg

I know pretty well how batteries must feel

I'm rarely ever included in things either.



Submitted June 29, 2016 at 05:21PM by PeaPodBod

A drunk staggers out of a bar and runs right into two priests...

A drunk staggers out of a bar and runs right into two priests. He says, "I'm Jesus Christ." The first priest says, "No, son, you're not." So the drunk says it to the second priest. The second priest says, "No, son, you're not." The drunk says, "Look, I can prove it." He walks back into the bar with the two priests. The bartender takes one look at the drunk and exclaims, "Jesus Christ, you're here again?"



Submitted June 29, 2016 at 07:03PM by KellyfromLeedsUK

Do you know how you can tell Niagara Falls is getting old?

It has a receding water line.



Submitted June 29, 2016 at 10:32PM by ironandtwine9

Trust is everything

Some teachers from an engineering school were invited to a trip. After they were all comfortably seated, they were informed that the plane was built by their students. They got up and ran desperately to the outside of the plane, almost panicking. Only one teacher remained calm and seated at his spot. When the other teachers asked why he was so calm he said: "I know the capacity of my students, if they built it, I'm sure this bloody thing won't even start"



Submitted June 29, 2016 at 05:29PM by Murilowsk

The setup was perfect

"Wanna meet up later and help me figure out this shelf?"

"Sure! Maybe we can pick up a shelf help book."



Submitted June 29, 2016 at 05:04PM by De-Vox

What do you get when you cross a cow and an octopus?

A reprimand from the Scientific Ethics and Integrity Committee and an immediate withdrawal of your grant funding.



Submitted June 29, 2016 at 06:15PM by theexplosivecandle

Construction worker got me with a good one

As I was walking along the sidewalk, a construction worker holding up a stop sign asked how I was doing. I said "Good, you?" and he replied "I'm OUT-STANDING!"



Submitted June 29, 2016 at 05:20PM by battyeyed

My dad had a good one yesterday.

We pull into the drive through at In-N-Out. My dad orders two cheeseburgers, two fries, a medium Coke, a medium sprite, and some extra ketchup.

Woman on speaker: "Ok. Will that be all for you?" Dad: "No, some of that is for my son." Woman on Speaker: "...............................ok."



Submitted June 29, 2016 at 04:50PM by jipleary

Old Scottish joke I remembered that just became relevant again...

The head greenkeeper of St Andrews golf course was out inspecting the greens one morning when he spotted a golfer bending over the stream on the 18th, scooping up water with his hand and drinking it.

'Haw', he shouted, 'Ye shouldnae drink that watter, it's got coo's pish in it!'

The golfer looked up and replied, 'I'm sorry old chap, I'm English and I'm afraid I couldn't understand a word you were saying'

The greenkeeper shouted back, 'I said, use both hands, you'll get more in!'



Submitted June 29, 2016 at 02:49PM by cunt-hooks

I just got punched by my friend for trying to kiss his new baby on the forehead.

Apparently, I have to wait for the baby to be born first.



Submitted June 29, 2016 at 11:44AM by bwisitreddit

There are plenty of fish in the sea...

...but until I catch one, I'm just stuck here holding my rod.



Submitted June 29, 2016 at 10:03AM by madazzahatter

Why do you never see a hippo hiding in a tree?

Because they are so good at it!



Submitted June 29, 2016 at 04:00PM by christoefire

Why are proteins so cranky?

Because they're made of a mean ol' acids.



Submitted June 29, 2016 at 04:00PM by laresistancecontinue

Im fed up with all these kids taking classes that dont matter. You know what I took up in school?

Space.



Submitted June 29, 2016 at 02:50PM by XLIXchamps

What did our parents do to kill time before the internet?

I asked my 26 brothers and sisters and they don't know, either.



Submitted June 29, 2016 at 09:27AM by HickoryDickoryDank

Did you hear what happened to the guy whose left arm and left leg got chopped off?

He's dead.



Submitted June 29, 2016 at 01:56PM by DrScabhands

First Time poster. More in comments.



Submitted June 29, 2016 at 03:15PM by TrIQy

I would like to thank the person who taught me the definition of plenty.

It means a lot.



Submitted June 29, 2016 at 03:05PM by lrnrae

The Misunderstanding

Hi John,

This is Alan next door. I am sorry buddy, but I have a confession to make to you. I've been riddled with guilt these past few months and have been trying to pluck up the courage to tell you to your face, but I am at least now telling in text as I can’t live with myself a moment longer without you knowing. The truth is, I have been sharing your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, probably more than you.

I haven’t been getting it at home recently, but that's no excuse I know. The temptation was just too much. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apologies and forgive me. I promise that it won't happen again. Please come up with a fee for usage, and I'll pay you.

Regards, Alan.

The Actions:

John, feeling insulted and betrayed, grabbed his gun, stomped next door and shot his neighbor dead. He returned home where he poured himself a stiff drink and sat down on the sofa. He took out his phone where he saw he had a subsequent message from his neighbor.

The Second Message:

Hi John,

This is Alan next door again. Sorry about the slight typo on my last text. I expect you worked it out anyway, but as I’m sure you noticed that my smart phone’s Autocorrect feature changed “Wi-Fi” to "Wife”. Technology eh?? Hope you got a chuckle from that.

Regards, Alan.



Submitted June 29, 2016 at 09:45AM by weaverl47

A terribly ugly woman enters a store.

On each hand, she has a child. The clerk asks the woman: "Are those twins?" "No," the woman says, "They´re three years apart. Why? Do you think they look alike?" The clerk says: "No, I just can´t believe you got laid twice."



Submitted June 29, 2016 at 08:10AM by Skidmark666

Hey baby, I'll do unspeakable things to you

Like asjhdhsbxb and sjxbbbehzug



Submitted June 29, 2016 at 11:51AM by Twigsnapper

Dad's review of IP Man 3 (Chinese movie)

"You know with that title I really thought this guy would be an interent hacker like 4Chan"



Submitted June 29, 2016 at 12:59PM by HaroithArcanus

How do you measure the mass of God?

Yahweh it of course.



Submitted June 29, 2016 at 10:22AM by DemiseofReality

A guy applies for a job with the L.A.P.D...

Inspector says "These are the best qualifications I've ever seen, just one more test before you get the job. Take this gun, go out and shoot six black guys and a rabbit."

The guy replies: "If I say 'why the rabbit?' I will get the job, am I right?"

The inspector, baffled, asks: "How did you know that?!"

The guy replies: "Because I read this shit every fucking day in /r/jokes".



Submitted June 29, 2016 at 08:35AM by ibaRRaVzLa

Roommate dropped this today.

Friend: Apparently sailors once believed that gold earrings improved eyesight. Roommate: Is that because "carats" are supposed to improve eyesight?



Submitted June 29, 2016 at 11:52AM by YugiMutou

3 mice in a Glasgow pub having a mouse to mouse talk about who`s the hardest...

Aberdeen mouse says: "I go up tae mousetraps, rip the cheese oot & and as the bar comes down i benchpress it 30 times & throw it across the room!" Edinburgh mouse says: I get rat poison, crush it intae powder & snort it!" Glasgow mouse finishes his beer, gets up and walks to the door.. "where u goin?" asked the other two, "hame tae shag the cat"



Submitted June 29, 2016 at 06:00AM by DaveTi

To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office: I will find you..

You have my Word.



Submitted June 29, 2016 at 11:07AM by already_satisfied

7 bodybuilders found dead in gym

Police are on the look for the mass murderer.



Submitted June 29, 2016 at 11:47AM by ZeInfamousHobo

Three shelves of stuffed animals

A man and a woman meet at a singles' bar, and they quickly hit it off and decide to go back to her place. They immediately head for the bedroom.

Once in the bedroom, the man notices something peculiar: on the wall are three shelves full of stuffed animals: huge ones on the top shelf, regular-size ones on the middle shelf, and small ones on the bottom shelf. He doesn't have time to pay attention to them, of course.

After they have sex, the man says to the woman, "So, how was it?"

The woman thinks for a while and responds, "Eh, take one from the bottom shelf."



Submitted June 29, 2016 at 01:55AM by AllSnarkNoBite

I was gonna make a joke about Sodium...

But Na, all the good ones Argon

Hahaha... I slapped my Neon that one! Do you wanna hear one about Potassium? No...?

K, I'll show myself out, then.



Submitted June 29, 2016 at 11:25AM by maryjanepurplerain

What is the difference between a Hippo and a Zippo?

A hippo is really heavy and a Zippo is a little lighter.



Submitted June 29, 2016 at 11:04AM by KzooRichie

What do you call cheese that is by itself?

Provolone



Submitted June 29, 2016 at 10:29AM by Mjamesdc

Every time the cashier asks my dad if he wants the milk in a grocery bag...

He says, "no, just keep it in the carton, thanks"

He always gets strange looks and that awkward chuckle from everyone around him afterwards



Submitted June 29, 2016 at 10:45AM by maryjanepurplerain

I want to open a place that makes Indian flatbread in a smoker.

It would be a naan smoking restaurant.



Submitted June 29, 2016 at 09:44AM by TheWholeDamnInternet

What type of storm is always in a rush?

A HURRY-cane



Submitted June 29, 2016 at 09:24AM by awesome2000-

Coworker (a dad) just bought a Pontiac...

He told me he got a pretty good Vibe from the dealer.



Submitted June 29, 2016 at 09:35AM by fishbiscuit47

I was going to go to school to become a comedian

Then I realized, that career is a joke



Submitted June 29, 2016 at 08:12AM by corvonik

What do you get when you cross an onion and a donkey?

Most times you get an onion with a tail. But every once in a while you get a piece of ass that brings a tear to your eye.



Submitted June 29, 2016 at 12:41AM by Terribledragon4Hire

So I gave a blind guy a basketball.

I think he's still trying to read it...



Submitted June 28, 2016 at 11:46PM by RepoMan555

What do you call fake pasta

An imPASTA!!!



Submitted June 29, 2016 at 05:57AM by Mijares214

A guy applies for a job with the L.A.P.D.

Inspector says "These are the best qualifications I've ever seen, just one more test before you get the job. Take this gun, go out and shoot six black guys and a rabbit."

Guy replies "Why the rabbit?"

Inspector says "Fantastic attitude, you've got the job!"



Submitted June 29, 2016 at 03:47AM by mak6791

How many men escaped the destruction of Sodom?

A Lot.



Submitted June 28, 2016 at 11:28PM by chucklinnarwhal

College professor

A professor at a local community college is known for telling a dirty joke to start every class. Of course, the ladies in his classes don't appreciate it and a lot of them get together one weekend and decide to stage a walkout next time it happens. The professor catches wind of this plan.

Monday morning rolls around and the professor stands up in front of the class. He starts "Have you heard there's a shortage of whores in India?" The ladies stand up to walk out. "Hold on, girls" he says, "the boat's not leaving yet!"



Submitted June 28, 2016 at 11:05PM by Charliethebum

A Guy Walks Into A Bar With An Octopus Under His Arm

He sets the octopus on a stool next to him and announces: "This is an amazing octopus. I'll bet anyone in this bar $50 that this octopus can play any instrument set in front of it."

 

None of the people could believe this, so one guy brought up a guitar. The octopus took hold of the guitar and started picking away, better than Jimi Hendrix. The man took $50 from the guitarist. Next someone brings up a trumpet. The octopus started playing the trumpet, better than Herb Alpert. The man won another $50 from the trumpeter. Then some guy brought up some bagpipes. The octopus picked up the bagpipes for a minute and, looking a little puzzled, set them down again.

 

"Can't you play the bagpipes?" asked the man. "Play it?" said the octopus, "I'm gonna screw it as soon as I figure out how to get its pajamas off."



Submitted June 29, 2016 at 12:33AM by Timestogo

Tuesday, June 28, 2016

Whats a wooden wedding ?

Two poles getting married.



Submitted June 29, 2016 at 12:24AM by ZeitoNe

The Jewish tie stand

A fleeing Taliban fighter desperate for water was lost in the Afghanistan desert when he saw something far off in the distance.

Hoping to find water, he hurried towards ‘the object’ only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand selling ties.

The Taliban fighter asked, “Do you have water?!!?”

The Jewish man replied, “I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5.”

The Taliban fighter shouted, “Idiot! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first! "

“Okay” said the old Jewish man, “It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom”.

Muttering, the Taliban fighter staggered away over the hill.

Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead.

"Your fucking brother won’t let me in without a tie”.



Submitted June 28, 2016 at 07:03PM by desperado24

The use of puns here are mediocre at best...

It's the sub standard.



Submitted June 28, 2016 at 10:37PM by SambySouthWest

Whats the difference between a pint and a pee ?

20 Minutes



Submitted June 28, 2016 at 11:02PM by ZeitoNe

My coworker got a customer good

Customer: can I get a roll with light butter? Coworker: sure, we are out of dark butter anyway.



Submitted June 28, 2016 at 08:57PM by rubberduckie_suicide

A brutally ugly woman...

A brutally ugly woman approached me at the bar, squeezed my ass and said, "Give me your number, you sexy hunk." I said, "Have you got a pen?" She smiled and said, "Sure do!" I replied, "You'd better get back in it before your farmer notices you're missing!"



Submitted June 28, 2016 at 05:25PM by RepoRick

Okay, so, here's the thing...



Submitted June 28, 2016 at 10:28PM by PM-ME_YOUR-DREAMS

About a week ago, my Girlfriend developed anorexia

Ever since then, I've been seeing less and less of her.



Submitted June 28, 2016 at 04:26PM by CLINKCLONK76

My girlfriend pulled this one on me a while back.

We were on a walk looking at the houses.

Me: I love brick accents on houses.

Her: What do the bricks sound like?

It was silent for a few seconds then we both busted up laughing!



Submitted June 28, 2016 at 08:23PM by fruitylesbian

Always check your pockets, Dad!

Dad "Did you put my overalls in the wash? I had money in the pocket!"

Me "Shit, how much?"

Dad "Only £10, just be careful. Money laundering is a serious crime"



Submitted June 28, 2016 at 07:05PM by JonTheStarfish

Took the family on a drive out to the mountains when we saw some campers..

We were driving past tense.



Submitted June 28, 2016 at 06:30PM by heckadeca

I always fast forward to the end of my porno.

Some would say I like to come to conclusions.



Submitted June 28, 2016 at 03:28PM by Ghotifett

Did anyone else see the new documentary on Velcro?

It was truly gripping...



Submitted June 28, 2016 at 03:23PM by PancakesandMaggots

The grocery store cashier asked me if I wanted my groceries in paper or plastic, forcing me to explain why I couldn't decide.

I told her I was bisacksual.



Submitted June 28, 2016 at 02:36PM by ToTouchAnEmu

I'm going to the circus with someone who hates dad jokes. What are your best circus themed jokes?

No clowning around, please.



Submitted June 28, 2016 at 01:59PM by Kleverer

A new guy in town walks into a bar and notices a large jar filled to the brim with $10 bills

A new guy in town walks into a bar and notices a large jar filled to the brim with $10 bills. The man approaches the bartender and asks, "What's up with the jar?"

"Well, you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, then you get all the money."

"What are the three tests?" asks the man

"Gotta pay first."

So the guy gives him the $10, and the bartender adds it to the jar.

"OK, here's what you have to do. First, you have to drink that whole bottle of pepper tequila -- the WHOLE thing at once -- and you can't make a face while doing it. Second, there's a pit bull chained up out back with a sore tooth. You have to remove the tooth with your bare hands. Third, there is a 90-year-old woman upstairs who's never had an orgasm in her life. You gotta make things right for her."

"Well, I know I've paid my $10," says the man, "but I'm not an idiot. No wonder you've collected so much money -- that's impossible!"

The new guy proceeds to drink several whiskeys, and eventually, he gets up his nerve.

"Wherez zat teeqeelah?" he slurs.

He grabs the bottle of pepper tequila with both hands and downs it, gulp by gulp. Tears are streaming down his cheeks, but he doesn't make a face. Next, he staggers out back. Everyone in the bar hears a huge scuffle outside -- barking, yelping and growling, then silence.

Just when they think the man must be dead, he staggers back into the bar with his shirt ripped and gashes across his body.

"NOW," he says, "wherez at ol' lady with the sore tooth?"



Submitted June 28, 2016 at 10:38AM by DaveyTaco

The FBI had an open position for an assassin.

After all the background checks, interviews and testing were completed, they had narrowed the field down to 3 possible agents. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances."

Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair... we need you to kill her. The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."' The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife." The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife home."

Finally, the last man was given the same instructions, to kill his wife. He took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the man, wiping the sweat from his brow. "Some idiot loaded the gun with blanks' he said. 'I had to strangle that bitch to death."



Submitted June 28, 2016 at 11:41AM by StudiousIndianStar

Why were Wrigley, Doublemint, and Orbit watching CNN?

To find out the latest on gum control legislation.



Submitted June 28, 2016 at 01:55PM by johngreenink

I wish I hade a contortionist friend named Justin so I can carry him around in a suit case...

... just in case



Submitted June 28, 2016 at 12:48PM by Gr8hous3

A man boards an airliner

A man boards an airliner, takes his seat, and is surprised to find a large purple parrot in the seat next to him. The aircraft takes off and a pretty flight attendant walks down the aisle past the man and his seat Mate.

"Hey, bitch," says the parrot, "bring me a whiskey and soda, and make it snappy!"

The FA looks annoyed, but walks on. A minute later, she walks back up the aisle, and the parrot Pipes up again, "Goddammit, you lazy whore, where's my whiskey? Hurry it up!"

Visibly flustered, the FA hurries up the aisle and returns quickly with the parrot's drink.

Impressed with the parrot's technique, the man decides to get some quick service for himself.

"Hey, slut," says the man, "get me a dry martini. And don't drag your sorry ass, I want it right Now!"

The FA turns red with anger and runs to the front of the plane. In a moment she returns with the First Officer and two burly male flight attendants. The crewmen seize the passenger and the parrot, jerk open the emergency door and hurl them both out of the airplane at 20,000 feet.

As the two hurtle out the door, the parrot says to the man, "Ya know, for someone who can't fly, you got a lotta balls."



Submitted June 28, 2016 at 11:23AM by voracread

Wife texted me as she was boarding a plane, irritated that there was no wifi or TV screens as it was one of their "classic planes"

So I texted back: "Looks like you boarded the air-PLAIN.."

She didn't text me again.



Submitted June 28, 2016 at 12:22PM by WhersMyFuckngJetPack

At first it was funny, but now this sub is just getting really annoying.



Submitted June 28, 2016 at 12:30PM by metalslug53

Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them.

"Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up".

Sure, they said, you’re welcome.

So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer. Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer,

"What do you do for a living?"

I’m a hit man," was the reply.

"You're joking!” was the response.

"No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. "Here are my tools."

That's a beautiful telescopic sight,” said the other friend, "Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here".

So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house.

"Yeah, I can see my house all right. "This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window. Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom".

"Ha Ha, I can see she's naked!! Wait a minute, that's my neighbor in there with her......He's naked, too!!! The bitch!"

He turned to the hit man. “How much do you charge for a hit?"

"I'll do a flat rate, for you: One thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger."

"Can you do two for me now?"

“Sure, what do you want?”

"First, shoot my wife; she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth. Then the neighbor, he's supposed to be a friend of mine, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson."

The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes.

“Are you gonna do it or not?" asked the friend impatiently.

"Just be patient," said the hit man calmly . . . . . "I think I can save ya a grand here."



Submitted June 28, 2016 at 10:36AM by StudiousIndianStar

When my girlfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo

I had to put my foot down



Submitted June 28, 2016 at 11:03AM by PlatinumRaptor95

One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell

As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with the devil.

Satan: Why so glum?

Guy: What do you think? I'm in hell!

Satan: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. Are you a drinking man?

Guy: Sure, I love to drink.

Satan: Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays that's all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet tab and colas. We drink till we throw up and then we drink some more! And we don't worry about getting a hangover because you're dead anyway.

Guy: Gee, that sounds great!

Satan: You a smoker?

Guy: You better believe it!

Satan: All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer no biggie, you're already dead, remember?

Guy: Wow... that's awesome!

Satan: I bet you like to gamble.

Guy: Why yes, as a matter of fact I do.

Satan: Well on Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, Blackjack, Roulette, Poker, Slots. If you go bankrupt... you're dead anyhow. Do you do drugs??

Guy: Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don't mean...

Satan: That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, you're dead, who cares.

Guy: WOW! I never realized Hell was such a cool place!

Satan: You gay?

Guy: No...

Satan: Ooooh You're gonna hate Fridays.



Submitted June 28, 2016 at 09:46AM by Battle4Seattle

I hate when non-chemist argue about the corrosiveness of acids

They're such baseless arguments



Submitted June 28, 2016 at 11:21AM by Glorthiar

Hey, did you hear about Half-Life 3?

Me neither 😳



Submitted June 28, 2016 at 11:13AM by feni45

I told my wife she was prettier when she didn't wear glasses

She said "So are you"



Submitted June 28, 2016 at 08:06AM by Raxiuscore

Piano Man

A pianist responds to an ad for a Piano Player wanted at a swanky bar. The manager interviewing him asks the pianist to play something.

The pianist plays and sings, and it's beautiful. The manager is really impressed. The pianist admits that he wrote and composed it himself. The manager asks what the song is called and the pianist replies, "Fuck you and your mother, you shit eating whore".

Clearly upset by the title of the song, the manager attempts to regain his composure and asks the pianist, "um, do you know any other songs?"

The pianist starts right in on the most beautiful piece the manager had ever heard, and by the time the pianist finished, the manager had tears in his eyes.

Afraid to ask, the manager asked what that one was called. The pianist said it was one of the first songs he ever wrote, and it was called "Suck my hairy white ass, you commie fuck!"

Clearly impressed with the skill of the pianist but fearful for the effect the song titles might have on his business the manager makes a deal with the player.

"I will hire you, and pay you with $100 bar tab per night and 5% of the door, but you're not allowed to tell anyone what your songs are called."

The pianist agrees, just happy to have a gig.

So he's playing the first night, really enjoying himself, drinking for free and all of the patrons are enjoying the music as well. At some point, very drunk, the pianist needs to go relieve himself so takes a break from playing.

When he returns from the bathroom, a beautiful woman approaches him and quietly asks him, "Do you know your dick is out and everyone can see it?"

The piano player's eyes get wide, and he excitedly replies, "Know it!? I fucking wrote it!"



Submitted June 28, 2016 at 08:36AM by takes_joke_literally

NeAr

Why are Argon and Neon so close to each other on the Periodic table?

They like to be NeAr



Submitted June 28, 2016 at 10:16AM by Ozmandiuss

I bought shoes from a drug dealer once

I don't know what the fuck he laced them with, but I was tripping hard all day.

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)



Submitted June 28, 2016 at 10:14AM by maryjanepurplerain

Went to Victoria Secret with my wife over the weekend.

She walked away when I asked the sales assistant what the download speed was on the wireless bras.



Submitted June 28, 2016 at 09:55AM by bp1108

Ya know, what this sub really needs is more water



Submitted June 28, 2016 at 10:10AM by fatherramon

I was out for lunch at a pho place yesterday with my girlfriend

She looks at the time and asks "How has a whole hour gone by already?!"

I look her in the eye and completely serious tell her "Time flies... when you're having pho."

Mic drop. True story. Minus the mic drop. But it was implied.



Submitted June 28, 2016 at 07:51AM by MyWiddleSmushFace

Did you hear Lin Manuel Miranda's next project will be a Shakespeare musical?

It's called Hamleton.



Submitted June 28, 2016 at 08:15AM by sparge

USA & the UK are having a competition on who can screw themselves up the most! Britain is currently in the lead, but America has a Trump card.

USA & the UK are having a competition on who can screw themselves up the most! Britain is currently in the lead, but America has a Trump card.



Submitted June 28, 2016 at 07:37AM by BR4DY_nz

Hillary Clinton and her driver were cruising along a country road one night

when all of a sudden they hit a pig, killing it instantly.

Hillary told her driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened.

About one hour later Hillary sees her driver staggering back to the car with a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other and his clothes all ripped and torn.

”What happened to you?” asked Hillary.

”Well, the Farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the cigar and his 19-year-old daughter made mad passionate love to me.”

”My God, what did you tell them?” asks Clinton.

The driver replies, ”I’m Hillary Clinton’s driver, and I just killed the pig!”



Submitted June 28, 2016 at 02:04AM by nightman_brownsound

Two Italian men get on a bus...

They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following: "Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time." "You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!" "Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."



Submitted June 28, 2016 at 03:22AM by kinkyek3993

What do you call a book club that's been stuck on the same book for thousands of years?

Church.



Submitted June 27, 2016 at 11:46PM by PM_ME_UR_BUTTS_GIRL

My girlfriend told me to give her nine inches and make it hurt.

So I fucked her three times and punched her in the face.



Submitted June 27, 2016 at 11:40PM by AsaphLaz

Monday, June 27, 2016

How do we save the orcas in Sea World?

Through the underground whale road



Submitted June 27, 2016 at 11:48PM by JustNovember

Are you made from Na, selenium and xenon?

Because you are sodium SeXe.

Edit: I have yet to zinc of another chemistry joke.



Submitted June 27, 2016 at 10:05PM by axeteam

Why can't some snakes get boners?

Because they have a reptile dysfunction.



Submitted June 27, 2016 at 09:55PM by DocCharkolate

What is green, sings and can be found in the fridge?

Elvis Parsley



Submitted June 28, 2016 at 12:43AM by Trtlman

Frog parking only. All others will be toad.

No text found

Submitted June 27, 2016 at 11:21PM by lindsay12866

A photon walks into a hotel

The desk clerk says, "Welcome to our hotel. Can we help you with your luggage?" The photon says, "No thanks, I'm traveling light."



Submitted June 27, 2016 at 04:02PM by Fish_Fire

John murders his wife

Shortly after he is hiding the body and his neighbor, Jeff, comes round and sees what’s happening. John quickly tackles Jeff to the ground and ties him up.

“Please” Jeff pleads, “let me live and I won’t tell a soul.”

Knowing Jeff was a man of his word and not wanting to have two murders on his hands, John let’s Jeff go free.

A few months later after a policy enquiry John is called into court for murder. As he walks in he sees Jeff in the witness stand and looks at the Judge.

“Fuck” he whispers to his lawyer.

“What’s wrong?” the lawyer asks

“I made that witness promise he wouldn’t tell a soul about what he saw.

“So what’s the problem?” the lawyer asks again

“The judge is a fucking ginger.”



Submitted June 27, 2016 at 07:13PM by kkkkkkkkkkkkkks

Two detectives were investigating an unusual murder at a McDonald's.

The suspect allegedly put a Happy Meal toy into his victim's hamburger, choking him to death. One detective turned to the other and said, "Boy, I'm not sure what to do with this one - I've never had a knicknack patty whack before."



Submitted June 27, 2016 at 08:20PM by DweadPiwateWoberts

I really like the way earth rotates...

..it really makes my day



Submitted June 27, 2016 at 09:32PM by _ImAWizard_

A soldier survived mustard gas in battle, and then pepper spray by the police. What type of veteran is he?

A seasoned veteran.



Submitted June 27, 2016 at 08:37PM by tdog8412

My dad when buying a car

My dad and I go to a car dealership. The salesman is showing us cars and points out a certain type. "These models typically range from 8 to 12 thousand dollars". My Dad replies, "I would like to have the one for 8 dollars, please".



Submitted June 27, 2016 at 06:02PM by among_shadows

Why did the scarecrow win an award?

Because he was outstanding in his field.



Submitted June 27, 2016 at 08:21PM by Dysentery_Larry

Quality joke my dad told me

Two peanuts were walking through the park

One of them was a salted



Submitted June 27, 2016 at 07:37PM by Officialkhg

My mother-in-law was having dinner with us, and began coughing while eating her corn on the cob. She said, "I'm choking on a kernel of corn".

I said "at least it wasn't a General of Corn". No one laughed except me.



Submitted June 27, 2016 at 07:35PM by hornwalker

I told my friend I made $600 a month selling dog shit

He said: "That's gross!"

I said: "No, that's net."



Submitted June 27, 2016 at 04:02PM by Battle4Seattle

Two peanuts were walking down the street

One of them was a salted.



Submitted June 27, 2016 at 06:06PM by acase412

Help! I've been robbed!

They stole everything except my deodorant, shampoo and hand soap.

Dirty bastards



Submitted June 27, 2016 at 07:05AM by Wlither

Feel like a beer

My girlfriend NEVER drinks, but she had a little bit of a stressful day this day and was kidding. We were walking into the grocery store after work.

Her: Whew, I feel like a beer!

Me: [squint and give the slightest grin]

Her: I don't feel like A beer! I feel like HAVING A beer!

Me: Well I feel like a beer. Look at all these hops. [hop a few times with feet together like an idiot]

She enjoyed my lame joke.



Submitted June 27, 2016 at 02:00PM by meinsamr

An Englishman and a Scotsman...

An Englishman and a Scotsman are neighbours. The Scotsman has a hen which lays a beautiful egg every morning for him to eat on the porch. Every morning the Englishman watches how the Scotsman eats up his delicious-looking egg and starts getting envious. One morning, he gets lucky and the hen walks into his yard before laying the egg. The Scotsman sees him picking up the egg and says: ''What are you doing with my egg?'' The Englishman replies ''It's in my yard, so it's mine!'' The Scotsman says: ''But the hen that laid it belongs to me! Look mate, I can see we're never going to get to the end of this. How about we deal this in the traditional Scottish way?'' ''How?'', asks the Englishman. ''It's simple, really. First, I'll kick you in the balls as hard as I can, and when you can pick yourself up, you return the favour. The man who picks himself up in the least amount of time gets the egg.'' The Englishman agrees to the deal. The Scotsman gets his heaviest steel-capped boots and swings with the power of a young David Beckham and hits between the Englishman's legs. The Englishman rolls on the ground in agony for 31 minutes and 20 seconds before he finally manages to get up and says: ''Alright, now it's my turn.'' He gets his own heavy boots, and as prepares he prepares to swing, the Scotsman stops him at the last moment. ''You know what? I think I'll just have cereal for breakfast today.''



Submitted June 27, 2016 at 11:48AM by b1cycl3repairman

A Native American asked his chief about the coming winter

"How bad will this winter be?" He asked.

"It is good to be prepared. Get some firewood ready" replied the chief.

The chief then called his friend in the national weather service to ask him. " How bad will this winter be?"

The meteorologist said "this will be a pretty cold winter"

The chief then told his people what the meteorologist said. A few weeks later the chief called to ask again, just to be sure.

"Well," said the meteorologist, "its gonna be worse than we thought this year."

Again the chief relayed this to his people and told them to put out more firewood.

Right before the winter came, the chief called the meteorologist once more to ask, "how bad will this winter be?"

The meteorologist said "it's gonna be worse than we thought"

The chief thanked the meteorologist and asked him "how do you get such accurate information?"

"Well, we have teams of scientists that study patterns to predict what the weather will be like. But we found that the most reliable method is to just look at how much firewood the native Americans put out"



Submitted June 27, 2016 at 02:18PM by andycepi

The haunted stand up comedian was booed off stage.

No text found

Submitted June 27, 2016 at 02:47PM by Kopextacy

Got my dad with this one.

Dad: "So I made the mistake of wearing my watch to hockey practice [as a kid] and sure enough the puck smashed it."

Me: "What happened to the guy who shot it? Did he get a time out?"



Submitted June 27, 2016 at 02:11PM by RenaKunisaki

I really did this to my son!

We were at the grocery store in the cheese section. I grabbed a block of cheddar and handed it to him and said "here hold this, but be careful, its sharp"! He put his head down and said "I'm done".



Submitted June 27, 2016 at 01:33PM by engnumber9

It's been reported that Donald Trump has recently found Jesus ...

And had him deported.



Submitted June 27, 2016 at 10:58AM by IG80Eighth

What do you call a meat eating king

A Tsar-nivore



Submitted June 27, 2016 at 12:05PM by MattyMick

Can you Spare a Rib?

At the grocery store with my wife and we walk past the meat counter.....

Me: Oh these ribs must be the extras!

My Wife: Huh? What are you talking about?

Me: The package says they are Spare Ribs.

My Wife: Oh geez, you really need to stop.



Submitted June 27, 2016 at 11:37AM by cdub5298

Just call me later



Submitted June 27, 2016 at 11:11AM by BiasedAnenome

You gotta love north korea...

Especially if you're one of it's citizens.



Submitted June 27, 2016 at 10:18AM by IcarusIsLonely

A couple is going through a divorce and custody of the son comes into question.

The father presents evidence that the wife hits the poor boy whenever he misbehaves the slightest. The mother reveals evidence that the father would get belligerently drunk and use his belt on the boy.

The Judge suggests letting the boy live with his grandfather, but it turns out that almost everyone in this twisted family has a history of domestic violence. Not wanting to subject the poor boy to a life of physical punishment, the court decided to take a recess to brainstorm what to do with the son. The court eventually comes to a historic and unprecedented conclusion:

The boy would be in custody of the England national football team because they're incapable of beating anyone.



Submitted June 27, 2016 at 09:07AM by pointyteeth

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman walk into a bar...

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman walk into a bar...

The Englishman wanted to go so they all had to leave.



Submitted June 27, 2016 at 08:46AM by AliAlam

Classic joke for our Muslim friends today

There were two white christian men, John and Mike, whose plane crashed into a desert. Luckily they survived unharmed. As they traveled through the hot desert looking for food and water, they gave up and sat down, thinking of what to do.

As the dust in the air settled, they suddenly could view a mosque ahead. They became very hopeful. But then John said ''Muslims are there. They might help us if we say we are Muslim.'' Then Mike said ''No way, I won't say I'm Muslim, I'm gonna be honest''.

So John and Mike went to the Mosque ahead and were greeted by an Arab Muslim, who asked what their names were.

John thought of a Muslim name and said, 'My name is Muhammad'. And Mike said 'My name is Mike'.

The Arab man said 'Hello Mike.' And told these other men to take Mike and give him food and drink.

Then he turned to John and said, 'Salaam Muhammad. Ramadan Mubarak! (Hello Muhammad, Happy Ramadan)



Submitted June 27, 2016 at 07:42AM by mak6791

Roses are red

Roses are red.
Violets are....red

Tulips are red

My garden is on fire.



Submitted June 27, 2016 at 05:30AM by shikharinane

How does straw greet?

"Hay".



Submitted June 27, 2016 at 04:47AM by Attikey

again one of those wife-comebacks

My wife and I were sitting by one of the canals in my city when a duck came flying towards us. I shouted "Duck" as it flew close over our heads and was really please with myself. My wife doesn't even smile so I ask if she didn't think it was funny. Her reply: "I guess it went over my head"



Submitted June 27, 2016 at 05:03AM by lweinreich

A man walks into a library and says to the librarian, "do you have that book for men with small penises?"

The librarian looks on her computer and says, "I don't know if it's in yet." "Yeah that's the one"



Submitted June 27, 2016 at 02:01AM by 1jojo1

xpost from /r/writingprompts: A poorly-disguised escaped dairy cow has worked at an ice cream parlor... but now her bovine related puns is slowly starting to give her away.



Submitted June 27, 2016 at 03:43AM by GoldenApple23

What's the best way to sum up the 90's?

90+91+92+93+94+95+96+97+98+99=945



Submitted June 26, 2016 at 10:27PM by KrazyAssKapush

Sunday, June 26, 2016

Two guys are walking their dogs down the street...

One has a golden retriever the other a Chihuahua. As they are going along the one with the retriever sees a bar. He turns to his friend and suggests they go in for a quick drink. His friend says "That would be great but see the sign, no dogs allowed". The guy turns to him and says "Don't worry, just do what I do". So the guy puts on some sunglasses and goes into the bar with his retriever. The tender turns to him and says "Hey! No dogs allowed". The guy quickly retorts "Oh no, this is my seeing eye dog". The bartender says ok and lets him sit.

His friend thinks about it and figures, why not. He puts on some sunglasses and walks in. The tender quickly turns and yells, "Hey! No dogs allowed in the bar!"

The friend quickly replies "No, you don't understand. This is my seeing eye dog!"

The bartender replies skeptically "A Chihuahua is your seeing eye dog?"

"THEY GAVE ME A CHIHUAHUA?!"



Submitted June 26, 2016 at 04:08PM by blong217

Some friends were having a 92nd birthday party for their grandma

I said that's awesome, but you can't really have much of a party in a minute and a half.



Submitted June 26, 2016 at 11:18PM by adunahay

Did you know that the majority of people don't know the opposite of these words?

Always

Coming

From

Take

Me

Down



Submitted June 26, 2016 at 09:07PM by drebinhasyou

The giver

While watching the giver with my dad, he commented on how it was in black and white and I said, "Yeah, the book was in black and white too."



Submitted June 26, 2016 at 06:56PM by iman277

When the US went to the moon....

...they planted the American Flag. After all these years the radiation from the Sun will have bleached it completely white, so now if Aliens find it they are going to think the French were there first.



Submitted June 26, 2016 at 06:05PM by red_langford

Listening to my brother talk to his 6yo

Should I draw you a bath? No, forget that, I'm not good at pictures. How bout I make you a bath? Poof, now you're a bath. Ok, now it's really bath time.

His daughter is still young enough to politely laugh at his jokes.



Submitted June 26, 2016 at 05:55PM by sallyjoe

A professor, a CEO, and a janitor are in a forest when they discover a magic fairy.

The fairy says "I will give you what you most desire if you do someone else's job for a day."

The professor says "I'll be an elementary school teacher. What can be so hard about teaching a bunch of 6-year-olds how to read?" so he is teleported into a classroom. After a few minutes, all the kids' screaming gets to his nerves, so he throws all his supplies and gives up.

The C.E.O says "I'll be a waiter. All you do is carry food back and forth. This'll be a breeze" so he is teleported to a restaurant. After about an hour, all the annoying customers drive him insane, so he smashes his plates on the ground and gives up.

The janitor says "I'll be an artist" so he is transported to an art facility. He glues all the classroom supplies and shattered plates to a canvas, then sells it for a billion dollars. The fairy asks the janitor how he was so clever.

The janitor says "I got a masters degree in art."



Submitted June 26, 2016 at 04:02PM by fingersofmagic

What did the crow say to the lost child?

Go caw your mother!



Submitted June 26, 2016 at 05:30PM by thetylanol

A duck walks into a bar...

...and asks for a ham and cheese toasted sandwich. The barman says, "Sorry, kitchen's closed. I can get you a drink. What would you like?", to which the duck replies, "No problem, just make it a ham and cheese toasted sandwich." The barman, a little confused, says "Sorry, no. The kitchen's closed. Would you like a drink?" The duck then responds with "Okay mate, make it a ham and cheese toasted sandwich." "Listen mate," snaps the bartender, "I've already told you, the kitchen's closed. There's no ham and cheese toasted sandwich! If you'd like a drink, place your order." "Alright, alright. Jeez, salty much! Calm down. Just get me a ham and cheese toasted sandwich." The bar tender, losing his patience turns on the duck, "Listen here, if I've said it once I've said it a thousand times, kitchen's closed! There's no ham and cheese toasted sandwich! If you ask again I'm going to nail your bill to the bar!" "Oh," retorts the duck, "you have nails?" "NO! WE DON'T HAVE ANY FREAKIN NAILS!!!" screams the exasperated bar tender. "Good," replies the duck calmly, "then make it a ham and cheese toasted sandwich."



Submitted June 26, 2016 at 06:16PM by Cheesus_K_Reist

Why was the healthy potato not allowed on the plane?

He was on the "No Fry" list.



Submitted June 26, 2016 at 06:41PM by johngreenink

A man goes into a job interview...

A man goes into a job interview, and presents himself well.

The employer is shocked at how professional he is,

"Wow, you have an incredible resume, and present yourself fantastically, but you seem to be missing 5 years on this part of your resume. What happened there?"

The man replied "Oh that's when I went to Yale."

The employer is even more impressed. "That's great, you're hired!"

The man is super happy and says "Yay I got a yob!"



Submitted June 26, 2016 at 04:16PM by rbk4life

Why are ghosts so fat?

Because they're scared to exorcise...



Submitted June 26, 2016 at 03:57PM by Attikey

The Perfect Son.

A: I have the perfect son. B: Does he smoke? A: No, he doesn't. B: Does he drink whiskey? A: No, he doesn't. B: Does he ever come home late? A: No, he doesn't. B: I guess you really do have the perfect son. How old is he? A: He will be six months old next Wednesday



Submitted June 26, 2016 at 03:46PM by Mrellen

The man who invented autocorrect has passed away

His family will be holding a private funfair necks monkey



Submitted June 26, 2016 at 03:28PM by red498cp_

If black people have the race card, women have the gender card, what do rednecks have?

The Trump card.



Submitted June 26, 2016 at 03:02PM by rbk4life

WWE decided to stop John Cena pay-per-view events in the United Kingdom.

Because when John Cena visits UK, EU can't see him.

Ba dum tss



Submitted June 26, 2016 at 02:03PM by thebadconsultant

So today is a lazy Sunday morning, so I'm wearing a raggedy shirt with holes. My brother and dad noticed.

Brother: I'm gonna burn that shirt.

Me: What, it's my lazy, around-the-house shirt.

Dad (to my brother): What day is it?

Brother: Sunday.

Dad: There you go, it's a holey shirt.



Submitted June 26, 2016 at 02:07PM by sykilik101

A blind man walks into a lesbian bar.

So a blind older gentleman stumbles into a all lesbian bar. They see he is older and blind so they let him stay and have a few drinks. The blind man ask's the bartender "You want to hear a blonde joke?" The bartender replies " Well, I am a blonde, the woman on your right is a defence instructor and she is blonde, and the two woman behind you are marines and they are blonde. Do you still want to tell your joke?" The blind man responds "Well not if I have to explain it four times"



Submitted June 26, 2016 at 06:59AM by mak6791

My lesbian neighbors gave me a Rolex for my birthday

It was mighty kind of them, but they misunderstood when I said "I wanna watch"



Submitted June 26, 2016 at 06:57AM by MeIsRo

Why did the tick not go to prom?

Because he didn't have a tick-ette.

My brother has been a father for exactly two years and made it up today.



Submitted June 26, 2016 at 01:19PM by Jimothy_Riggins

If Britain and and The European Union were two people having sex

Britain would pull out and say I'm no longer in Eu



Submitted June 26, 2016 at 12:57PM by Kakabroly

Marriage, the real story

A husband walks into the bedroom to see his wife packing a suitcase. He asks, "What are you doing?" She answers, "I'm moving to Nevada . I heard that prostitutes there get paid $400.00 for what I'm doing for YOU for FREE!" Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase. When she asks him where he's going, he replies, "I'm coming too. I want to see how you live on $800.00 a year."



Submitted June 26, 2016 at 11:12AM by mushroomgroup

My experience gardening

I decided to grow a garden this year. Most of the plants grew really well, but one of my herb plants struggled and eventually died so I had to throw it out. It was thyme.



Submitted June 26, 2016 at 12:14PM by hammertime4525

Why does Britain like tea so much?

Because tea leaves.



Submitted June 26, 2016 at 11:14AM by doorkn00b

The average EU woman just got hotter

Thanks Brexit!



Submitted June 26, 2016 at 11:40AM by guto8797

I've spent all day trying to convince people on Reddit I'm French.

I give up.



Submitted June 26, 2016 at 10:09AM by BookerGinger

An engineer dies and goes to heaven...

He meets St. Peter at the pearly gates, and St. Peter checks the list. St. Peter doesn't find his name, so he says 'sorry, looks like you are supposed to go to the other place'.

So the engineer then goes down to Hell. Soon, he starts seeing things that could be improved. He builds a central air conditioning unit to help control the heat. He starts installing a central sewage system.

God notices, and quickly calls Satan. He calls and says 'there's been a mistake! The engineer is supposed to be up here with us!'

Satan replies: 'you know, we're pretty happy with what the changes he had been making, I think we'll keep him'

God gets mad and says 'you send him up here this minute or else I'll sue you!'

Satan laughs and says, 'yeah, you and what lawyers?'



Submitted June 26, 2016 at 11:11AM by cdifl

Two cannibals were eating a clown...

One looks at the other and says "does this taste funny to you?"



Submitted June 26, 2016 at 11:32AM by engnumber9

Got my friend just now.

She and I were talking about how a certain flavor of Combos she likes is only in one store in her area:

Her: I have a hard enough time finding the sweet and salty caramel one. I have to go to a specific LOWE'S. a Lowe's!! C'mon!

Me: So...when it comes to Combos, your area certainly is Lowe in stock?

Her: ...omg you didn't...



Submitted June 26, 2016 at 11:33AM by TakaComics

What do you give a girl who already has everything?

Antibiotics



Submitted June 26, 2016 at 04:26AM by Shittypasswordmemory

A man went to a meeting for premature ejaculators

but when he arrived there was no one there, he'd come too early.



Submitted June 26, 2016 at 08:34AM by chrismikehunt

There were three POWs together in a British prison in the Second World War, a German, a Japanese, and an Italian.

The British began by torturing the German. After long hours of silence infected by bloodcurdling screams, he talked, and was sent back to the prison, ashamed. He told the others what he had done and urged them to be stronger than he was.

They next began torturing the Japanese man. Through all the pain and agony, he stayed strong for three days, but in the end, talked. He was sent back to the prison, having brought shame to himself, his family, and his country.

They finally sent in the Italian. For an unending three weeks, they tortured him, until they realized if they did anything else to the poor man, he would die, so they sent him back. When he got back to the prison cell bloody and battered, the other POWs asked him, "So? Did you talk?"

"How could I talk with my hands tied behind my back?"



Submitted June 26, 2016 at 10:12AM by TrekkiMonstr

Driving past an old cemetery

Me: "That cemetery is destroyed."

Brother-in-law: "It's in grave condition."



Submitted June 26, 2016 at 08:57AM by yesmychild

A couple wants to have sex but their son is in the house.

The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon "quickie " with their 8-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities...

"There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he shouted.He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation.

"An ambulance just drove by!"

"Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out.

"Matt's riding a new bike!"

"Looks like the Sanders are moving!"

"Jason is on his skate board!"

After a few moments he announced... "The Coopers are having sex. Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed.

Dad cautiously called out..."How do you know they're having sex?" "Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle."



Submitted June 26, 2016 at 06:13AM by mak6791

What do you call a group of senior Japanese comedians?

Comic Sans



Submitted June 26, 2016 at 02:21AM by paanwala

I have a bad ping..

I think it might be terminal.



Submitted June 26, 2016 at 03:31AM by qefbuo

An 85-year-old man had to take a sperm count for his physical exam

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained. "Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing." The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open.



Submitted June 25, 2016 at 05:11PM by Jake00000

The maid asked for a raise, and the wife was upset.

The maid asked for a raise, and the wife was upset... She asked, "Now, Helen, why do you think you deserve a pay increase?" Helen: "There are three reasons. The first is that I iron better than you." Wife: "Who said that?" Helen: "Your husband." Wife: "Oh." Helen: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you." Wife: "Who said that?" Helen: "Your husband." Wife: "Oh." Helen: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you." Wife: "Did my husband say that as well?" Helen: "No, the gardener did." Wife: "So, how much do you want?"



Submitted June 25, 2016 at 10:47PM by LovelyReddi

Saturday, June 25, 2016

The Deadliest Catch

Dad was watching a show about fishing called "The Deadliest Catch." His ladyfriend walks in and asks about the show; he replies, "At first I thought it was a show about AIDS. Turns out it's just crabs"



Submitted June 26, 2016 at 12:58AM by Luna_Draconis

"I wonder what it would be like to live under water..."

"I wonder what it would be like to live under water..." said my girlfriend on our way to see Finding Dory, to which I responded with "I don't know, but I bet you'd be under a lot of pressure."

She hung her head in shame because she knew my entire family would soon hear about this.



Submitted June 25, 2016 at 11:59PM by TheRealLilGillz14

The end justifies the means.



Submitted June 25, 2016 at 10:11PM by flarn2006

Why are Gay Pride parades in Summer?

Because Pride comes before the Fall.



Submitted June 25, 2016 at 11:09PM by foomachoo

If two lesbians are on a date, who pays?

The ex-husband



Submitted June 25, 2016 at 09:39PM by TheCreamySmooth

Why are Gay Pride parades in Summer?

Because Pride comes before the Fall.



Submitted June 25, 2016 at 11:09PM by foomachoo

Job Hunting

My wife was helping me look for a job online when she said, "Here's one that pays pretty well to wash mirrors". I looked at her and said, "Yeah I can see myself doing that".



Submitted June 25, 2016 at 09:53PM by engnumber9

How many Brits does it take to change a broken lightbulb?

None. They just move out of the house.



Submitted June 25, 2016 at 12:33PM by Sebasyde

My dad said that Texas should hold a vote to secede from the United States.

They can call it Texit.



Submitted June 25, 2016 at 09:00PM by eequalsmc2

Got my wife at the mall

And she was a real bargain!

But seriously folks. My wife and I were walking at a mall, around closing time for most stores. She noticed and commented that there was a Kay Jewellers, but being that they were closed, those security wall things were down. I said it was more like a Cage Jewellers



Submitted June 25, 2016 at 08:31PM by spongebue

Dad- "It's really hot out today"

Me- "yeah my car said 98" Dad- "you're not supposed to drive that fast"



Submitted June 25, 2016 at 07:14PM by Cave10

Where do psychologists love to have lunch?

Kentucky Freud Chicken.



Submitted June 25, 2016 at 05:18PM by migali

You know, people say they pick their nose,

But I was only born with mine.



Submitted June 25, 2016 at 05:01PM by AlQuaholicTerrorist

I told my gay friend I could turn fruits into vegetables...

He said "prove it."

So I pushed him off the balcony.



Submitted June 25, 2016 at 03:33PM by leafs81215

What do you call a Princess that's nuts ?

Nut-ella



Submitted June 25, 2016 at 04:46PM by WirriamShin27