Tuesday, May 31, 2016

9/11 Threesome.

When twins go down on you.



Submitted May 31, 2016 at 11:25PM by Readybeeill

A priest is taking a cab home from church

A priest is taking a cab home from church after a long day of services. It's night and it's raining heavily. Suddenly the taxi hits a pothole. The driver mutters under his breath "Fuck!" Seconds later, they hit another pothole and the driver says "Shit!" The priest has finally had enough,

"Son, don't use these words, they anger our Good Lord. Say for instance, 'Lord help us'"

The cabbie reluctantly agrees. As they drive on, they hit a really big pothole and the entire wheel falls off! The cabbie remembering the priest's words says "Lord help us!" Suddenly, the wheel stops, rolls back, and snaps back on!

"What the fuck?" said the priest.



Submitted May 31, 2016 at 10:06PM by rbk4life

What happens when you start construction to soon?

Premature e-spackle-ulation.



Submitted May 31, 2016 at 10:30PM by Rift_world

My 5 y/o cousins joke :)

Him:Why did the chicken cross the road? Me: Why? Him: To get to the stupid persons house. Me: voluntary laugh as older cousin Him: Knock knock.

Me: Who's there?

Him: It's the chicken!

I fell right into the little tackers trap!



Submitted May 31, 2016 at 10:56PM by benno44

Why do intersections have two pairs of two traffic lights?

Because they are fourwarnings



Submitted June 01, 2016 at 12:21AM by falloonalan

What makes a great writer tick?

Tourette syndrome.

I'm going to hell for that one, huh?



Submitted May 31, 2016 at 11:20PM by urbanek2525

I asked a Scottish friend of mine how many sexual partners he'd had.

He started counting but fell asleep.



Submitted May 31, 2016 at 08:43PM by Grim---Ginger

I read somewhere that only 2/11 jokes are funny.

Well, what I read was that 9/11 jokes are never funny, but I like to be positive.



Submitted May 31, 2016 at 05:15PM by nojugglingever

Why do dentists only want to be awarded with paper certificates?

They hate plaque buildup.



Submitted May 31, 2016 at 07:59PM by TheGrandMaestro

Today I learned that Deer can actually write with both hooves

They're Bambidextrous



Submitted May 31, 2016 at 04:26PM by Theconstantcompanion

An emo and a leaf fall from a tree at the same time. Who hits the ground first?

The leaf.

The emo is stopped by the rope.



Submitted May 31, 2016 at 11:15AM by celsiusnarhwal

Why would a dad slap his daughter?

She hugged a black kid



Submitted May 31, 2016 at 06:40PM by jimmy1time

Did you hear the singer Sting got kidnapped?

The Police have no lead



Submitted May 31, 2016 at 06:24PM by Paul_laquack

I like my coffee like I like my coffee.

Coffee.



Submitted May 31, 2016 at 12:19PM by C0LDHEAT

Fucked a girl with one leg once...

Should've used my dick 😕.



Submitted May 31, 2016 at 12:04PM by DamnDanielToHell

I told my Ranger at work that after my dog had passed away, we buried him and then planted a tree to grow on top of his grave.

He responded with "I guess that tree will have more bark than usual".



Submitted May 31, 2016 at 04:09PM by phat_blah

Wife got me while playing Fallout

Me: What?! Why does the ghoul have an oven mitt?

Her: Must've been the ghost peppers!



Submitted May 31, 2016 at 03:55PM by calmdownboosterseat

Not to brag, but I just got a job as a fitness model...

They hired me as the "before" picture.



Submitted May 31, 2016 at 01:55PM by mcheisenburglar

Friend ate a rhubarb muffin and said it tasted like Play-Doh

I asked if she was sure it didn't taste like Aristotle.



Submitted May 31, 2016 at 01:32PM by ieGod

Today my girlfriend offered to finger me

I was deeply touched.



Submitted May 31, 2016 at 12:08PM by teodzero

What is the difference between running a stop sign and running a stop sign and killing somebody?

The consequences



Submitted May 31, 2016 at 12:55PM by linkovich_chomofsky

What do you call it when a Russian has no internet?

Internyet.



Submitted May 31, 2016 at 01:01PM by Jasdacool

Schrodinger's Cat recently went on a crime spree

He's wanted dead and alive



Submitted May 31, 2016 at 12:14PM by JimboJJ26

So the boy said "Grandpa"

A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy finds an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole." The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole." The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hairspray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. Then he puts the worm back into the hole.

The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hairspray, and runs into the house. Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the little boy another five dollars.

The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars." The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your grandma."



Submitted May 31, 2016 at 10:24AM by TempestofMist

Girlfriend got me with this one

We were having a mock argument and I said something about using the "wookie defense" to win.

She looked at me and said "Yeah, well it isn't wookie'n"



Submitted May 31, 2016 at 12:16PM by Soulfly37

At the beach with wife, friends and three kids. My wife exclaims: "Aren't our kids an odd trio?"

"Aren't they always?"

Wife groaned. Wife's friend had the delayed giggles. Good times.



Submitted May 31, 2016 at 12:12PM by MrSnowden

I was having sex with my girlfriend when I felt a weird tap on my shoulder...

I hate having sex in the bath.



Submitted May 31, 2016 at 05:34AM by RoarBacon

I saw a sign that said "watch for children"

and I thought, "That sounds like a fair trade."



Submitted May 31, 2016 at 07:06AM by nynjmovers1

My 8 year old just asked, "Dad, what is matter?"

To which I replied, "Nothing. Whattsa matter you?"



Submitted May 31, 2016 at 11:17AM by RickShaw530

What do you call a stain left in a living room by a Danish person?

A Denmark.



Submitted May 31, 2016 at 11:05AM by Throwawaybadjokes

9/10 Redditors are idiots

I'm glad to be the 1%



Submitted May 31, 2016 at 10:04AM by Petrol_bomb_priest

As a recent college grad, I had a realization.

I understand my field to a degree



Submitted May 31, 2016 at 10:19AM by ItsProfOak

One of my worst enemies is now my landlord

You can say our relationship went from feuding to feudal.



Submitted May 31, 2016 at 10:05AM by hutimuti

Little brother dadjoked me

I told him his clothes were gay He said "yeah I know they just came out of the closet this morning"



Submitted May 31, 2016 at 10:08AM by ajhmiah21

I used to own a racing snail...

It never won though. To improve its performance I removed its shell but, if anything, it made it more sluggish



Submitted May 31, 2016 at 07:53AM by madazzahatter

If a Norwegian robot...

If a Norwegian robot analyzes a bird, it Scandinavian.



Submitted May 31, 2016 at 04:58AM by Raining_Pixel

Carol, a blonde city girl, marries a Cornish dairy farmer.

One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, farmer John says to Carol, 'The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the rail above the cow's stall in the barn. You show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?' So then the farmer leaves for the fields. After a while, the insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door. Carol takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him, 'This is the one...right here.' Terribly impressed by what he seemed to think just might be another ditzy blonde, the man asks, 'Tell me lady, how did you know this is the cow to be bred?' 'That's simple; by the nail over its stall', Carol explains very confidently. Then the man asks, 'What's the nail for?' She turns and starts to walk away and with complete confidence, says over her shoulder, ......'I assume it's to hang your trousers on.'



Submitted May 31, 2016 at 03:57AM by Adory

Always love a woman for her personality...

They have like ten of them, so you can choose.



Submitted May 31, 2016 at 03:27AM by AnAuthoritativePanda

Did you hear about the bitter computer technician?

He had a microchip on his shoulder.



Submitted May 31, 2016 at 07:06AM by wobinidan

Jake is driving in the desert...

And he's driving wildly. He's doing tons of doughnuts to pass the time. Suddenly, his car stops. Jake checks and realizes that he's out of gas. And nowhere near civilization. And without water.

Realizing he needs liquids for the trek ahead of him, so he searches his car for something. The only thing he finds is his poisonous windshield wiper fluid. To at least have something, Jake decides to take it with him.

And then the journey begins.

So he walks...

And walks...

And walks...

Eventually, he gets too exhausted to walk, so he crawls...

And crawls...

And crawls...

And crawls...

Dehydrated from the blazing desert heat, he gives in to his reflexes and drinks the windshield wiper fluid.

It didn't help.

So he continued to crawl...

And crawl...

And crawl...

But then, as he thought he couldn't crawl anymore, he sees the strangest thing in his entire life: a snake wrapped around a large upright stick.

Bewildered, he approached the reptile.

Then, the snake speaks to Jake:

"Hello, I am Nate, Guardian of the Lever. If the lever is pulled, the entire universe, everything in it, and all life will come to an end. I was told that the next person who approaches would be the new Guardian of the Lever, and I was to grant him three wishes to reward him for accepting this noble task."

Jake processes the extreme responsibility bestowed upon him, and gladly accepts his new role. He begins with his first wish:

"First, make me healthy. I am simultaneously dying of windshield wiper poisoning and dehydration."

And Nate obeyed; with a swish of his tail, Jake was cured.

"Second, get me out of this desert. While the Lever is great, I want to go home."

Nate replies, "Before I grant your second wish, what is your third wish?"

Jake ponders this, and finally decides, "I want all of the wisdom in the entire universe. I want to understand how to be successful and live life to the fullest."

And then Nate granted both of Jake's wishes, bringing him back home with new knowledge.

With this knowledge, Jake became very wealthy. He bought a beautiful house with an amazing view, started a family, and sold an extremely successful start-up.

However, Jake knew of his responsibility, and would often go to see his good friend Nate, who still lived by the Lever because he had been there for so long.

On one of his trips to visit Nate, Jake takes a new car through the desert. After a distance, Jake sees the Lever, a cliff, and Nate. Jake decides to stop the car and reaches to brake, but he unfortunately bought his car from the wrong person, for the brakes weren't working. Jake analyzes the situation. If he keeps going straight, he'll plummet off of a cliff. If he turns left, he'll hit the Lever which will end the entire universe, everything in it, and all life. If he turns right, he'll crush his good friend Nate.

Jake knows the correct decision.

He turns right and kills his good friend Nate.

Jake then exclaims, "Better Nate than Lever!"



Submitted May 31, 2016 at 12:52AM by bigwin408

A redneck broke up with his girlfriend

it wasn't all that bad, she said they could still be cousins.



Submitted May 30, 2016 at 11:36PM by _TheMachine

Friend: "For those of you who went camping, don't forget to check for ticks"

Me: "Don't let them stay on for too long; the clock is ticking"



Submitted May 31, 2016 at 03:08AM by witz33

Monday, May 30, 2016

My dad spouted off this one the other day...

My sister was talking about an episode of bones in which they apparently found a body in a wine barrel.

My dad stops her and says, "so are you saying it was a full-bodied wine?"



Submitted May 31, 2016 at 01:23AM by swhit94

My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs..

I've been his customer for 6 years.

I had no idea he was a barber.



Submitted May 30, 2016 at 09:17PM by TaengSunog

What do you call a bear without an ear?

A b



Submitted May 31, 2016 at 12:19AM by Zombie_Aficionado

A black man and his son are on an airplane going across the ocean when they hear the captain's voice coming over the speakers.

"Ladies and gentlemen, I'm afraid I have some bad news. One of our engines has gone out. We still have 3 working fine, but in order to make it across the ocean, we will have to dump all the luggage. It will be picked up by boats and returned to the airport where you can pick it up. Sorry for the inconvenience."

Well, then about 15 minutes later, the captain comes on again.

"Ladies and gentlemen, I'm afraid I have some more bad news. We just lost another engine. Since we already dumped the luggage, we will now have to drop people. You will be given floating devices and will be picked up immediately by a boat and taken safely to shore. To be fair, we will do this in alphabetical order. 'A' is for African American. All African Americans, please raise your hands."

Well, hearing this, the little black boy started to raise his hand. His father pushed his hand down and said, "No son, keep it down!"

When no one raised their hands, the captain said, "Okay, fine, let's move on to the letter 'B'. 'B' is for black. All blacks, raise your hands."

Again, the little black boy starts to raise his hand, and his father stops him again.

The captain comes on once more, and says, "Well then, I guess we'll move on to C. 'C' is for Colored. All colored people, raise your hands."

The little black boy starts to raise his hand, and his father pushes it down and tells him no.

"But dad!" he says, "We are African American, we are black, and we are also called colored. Why won't you let me raise my hand?"

His father says, "No son, today, we're niggers. Those damn Jews and Mexicans are going before us!"



Submitted May 30, 2016 at 04:32PM by legallyreddit

I broke up with my girlfriend because I like my women like I like my coffee

Without other people's dicks in it.



Submitted May 30, 2016 at 10:21PM by HowManyMoreX

mom joke during the nba playoffs in response to: "youre so short, you cant even reach the cereal off the top of the fridge"...

some background: so at the end of the first half, steph curry hit a layup where he went really high off the glass...then there was a slo-mo replay right before halftime commercials and the commentator said "look how high curry had to shoot the ball"

so my mom was walking in from the kitchen at this point when she heard the word "high" and for some reason said "i can jump really high"

so, thinking i was the funny one of the family, i said "but you cant even reach the cereal off the fridge!!! thats why you have a step-stool in every room of the house!!!"

without even missing a beat, my mom said "thats why they call me STEP curry"

(btw, we are indian and my mom likes the GSW because his name has the word "curry" in it).

i died...anyways, it was a great game today too! now whos gonna watch the "roots" rerun?



Submitted May 30, 2016 at 11:36PM by vigneshrk

On a road trip, passing a billboard for a hot dog stand coming up. My wife goes: "That's a big wiener"...

Me: "Aw man, did my pants fall down again?"

Wife glares at me, my kids hang their heads in shame. I couldn't keep myself from laughing own joke.

I know it's not clever like most of you guys, but I felt so accomplished.



Submitted May 30, 2016 at 11:18PM by feni45

My father on modern art

My parents visited me last weekend. Short on ideas, we decided to hit up a widely-respected art museum. They had some new exhibitions, some of which were a little outside our personal tastes and expectations.

We walked into a photography exhibit and saw, along one wall, a sheet of green. This sheet of green was a little higher and taller than the average door, and stretched all the way down that bit of wall plus a few feet onto the floor.

"Oh," I said, "a green screen. That's kind of a neat little thing to have here. Sort of an homage to that style of film, I guess?"

Little did I know. In hindsight, I don't know why I expected anything different.

My father and I approached the plaque beside it. There we learned the truth: This was not a green screen. No. No, this was a specially printed photograph.

A photograph... of a green screen.

There we stood, astonished at the audacity of the thing before us. "My God," I said aloud, "This, right here, this is something else. This is just plain genius. Can you imagine getting money for something like this? Why didn't we come up with this? This is gold!"

To which my dad simply responded, "No, son...

... it's green."



Submitted May 30, 2016 at 09:30PM by Habefiet

Jewish Bra

A young Jewish man walks into the Lingerie Department of Macy's in New York. He tells the saleslady, "I would like a Jewish bra for my wife size 34 B."

With a quizzical look the saleslady asked, "What kind of bra?"

He repeated, "A Jewish bra. She said to tell you that she wanted a Jewish bra, and that you would know what she wanted."

"Ah, now I remember," said the saleslady. "We don't get as many requests for them as we used to. Most of our customers lately want the Catholic bra, or the Salvation Army bra, or the Presbyterian bra."

Confused, and a little flustered, the man asked "So, what are the differences?"

The saleslady responded. "It is all really quite simple. The Catholic bra supports the masses, the Salvation Army lifts up the fallen, and the Presbyterian bra keeps them staunch and upright."

He mused on that information for a minute and said: "Hmm. I know I'll regret asking, but what does the Jewish bra do?"

"Ah, the Jewish bra," she replied "makes mountains out of molehills.



Submitted May 30, 2016 at 05:27PM by PlaneShenaniganz

My dad had a good one at lunch today...

We were talking about Ireland at the dinner table.

Dad: "Did you know the Great Potato Famine caused many prisoners to contract skin diseases?"

Me: "Really?"

Dad: "Yep, it produced a lot of leper-cons."



Submitted May 30, 2016 at 08:50PM by Chuckleluck

What type of luggage speaks in short sentences?

A briefcase.



Submitted May 30, 2016 at 08:07PM by Joshanderson36

Ms. Pac Man is the biggest hoe in history

For 25 cents she swallows until she fucking dies.



Submitted May 30, 2016 at 01:39PM by godelbrot

Why did the computer say hello?

Because it was A Dell



Submitted May 30, 2016 at 07:24PM by skippy_tha_kangaroo

Talking to my mom at dinner

Mom: "I need a starch, or else I won't stop eating"

Dad: "When I eat, I always like to have a starch, and then I have a finich"

Eyes were rolled.



Submitted May 30, 2016 at 07:16PM by Zangetsu270

My first official dadjoke

My first son was born late on Sunday night. My parents came to visit my family in the hospital today and my dad was telling me how they thought they had parked next to my car before they saw the parking spot was marked "Clergy Only".

I told him I could park there because I was a Father now.



Submitted May 30, 2016 at 06:53PM by WilliamRandolphHurts

Grandad... Being deadly serious though 😂

Sat down and the TV kept freezing so we were changing the channel to find one that wouldn't freeze and grandad pipes up "Why do you keep changing the channel" Me "Because it's freezing!" Him "what's the temperature got to do with the television".......



Submitted May 30, 2016 at 06:50PM by lewis1132

Not from a dad, but a mom. I hope that counts.

She wants to hand me the phone: your aunt wanted to speak with you.

Me: is she on the phone ?

She: Yes

I take the phone ..

She: If you dial her number :D



Submitted May 30, 2016 at 06:25PM by ju_lius11

A man in his backyard...

After a stressful day, one man comes home and sits in his backyard, drinking a beer.

As he's getting up to get a snack, he stops and asks, "Jesus, what is the meaning of life?"

To which Jesus replies,"You slave in the sun to support the ones you love. You make money so you can buy things for your family to keep them happy."

The man asks,"Jesus, why is life so hard?"

To which Jesus replies,"That, no one may ever know. You have to overcome many obstacles to be successful."

The man asks again,"How was the universe created?"

Jesus replies,"I'm sorry, señor, but can you stop asking questions? I'm trying to mow your lawn."

EDIT: Thanks for getting me onto the front page!



Submitted May 30, 2016 at 03:15PM by seanstert

Why kids loved Jesus in his day

My 3 year old daughter "I'm thirsty!"

Me "have a juice box"

My daughter "yum! Thanks dad! "

Me "you know why little children liked Jesus when he was here? Because he was the king of the juice!"

Religious wife rolls eyes



Submitted May 30, 2016 at 04:54PM by LegoGreenLantern

chef joke

Why don't pastry chefs buy taylor made cigarettes? Because they profiterole their own



Submitted May 30, 2016 at 04:57PM by chinfuk

Why did Trump refuse the debate with Bernie?

Because chickens tend to run from people with a last name of Sanders.



Submitted May 30, 2016 at 02:22PM by NuclearToad

Why do French people never pay for porn ?

Because l'argent ne fait pas le boner.



Submitted May 30, 2016 at 03:19PM by PieruEater

What do you call a hot and rainy night in the ghetto?

A muggy night



Submitted May 30, 2016 at 03:11PM by kihulah

I want to make a school shooting joke, but that might seem offensive.

I think I should aim for a younger crowd.



Submitted May 30, 2016 at 11:53AM by xjqz

Not all math puns are bad

Just sum



Submitted May 30, 2016 at 01:33PM by TheCreatorLovesYou

I just found the worst page in the entire dictionary...

What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous ...



Submitted May 30, 2016 at 08:33AM by madazzahatter

A man comes home to his wife from his job at a relish factory one day...

He has a confused, lost look on his face, so his wife asks what's wrong.

The man turns to her and says, "I've been having the strangest urge at work lately."

His wife, being the caring woman she is, asks "What is it."

The man sighs and says, "I keep wanting to put my dick in the pickle slicer."

The woman stifles a laugh tells her husband not to put his penis in the pickle slicer.

A few weeks go by, and the man only wabts to put his penis in the pickle slicer more and more, so he goes to his manager, to ask for help, and the manager refers him to an occupational therapist and gives him some time off. Nothing helps though, the therapist refers him to a real psychologist, hoping that maybe they can cure this man's affliction.

So one day the man comes home to his wife and says with a sigh, "Honey, I got fired today. I put my penis in the pickle slicer."

She gasps, crying out "oh my god! You have to go to the hospital!"

The man looks up at her, "Oh no, I'm perfectly fine. I feel great, actually."

His wife is now completely bewildered, "But, bu--your peni- and the pickle slicer!?"

The man shrugs, "Yeah, she got fired, too."



Submitted May 30, 2016 at 12:30PM by RiskyBrothers

It's a scorching hot day at Canada's Wonderland and my GF says "how can that girl be wearing leather pants?"...

I say "cows do it all the time."



Submitted May 30, 2016 at 01:33PM by Angoos

I'm an exhibitionist who's aroused by confessing to people, but I'm trying to change

admitting it is the first step in a nude erection



Submitted May 30, 2016 at 12:00PM by integral-e-to-the-x

My grandfather once told me, "Your generation is too reliant on technology."

My grandfather once told me, "Your generation is too reliant on technology."

So I replied, "No, your generation is too reliant on technology!"

Then I disconnected his life support.



Submitted May 30, 2016 at 10:22AM by madazzahatter

[Request] Wedding/Marriage Jokes

I was asked by my cousin to be an MC for his wedding reception. I feel like he (and my extended family) would appreciate some groan-inducing wedding/marriage jokes. Figured I'd check here.



Submitted May 30, 2016 at 11:44AM by akdongman

What you get when you mix a cacapoo and a shitzuu.

Shitpoo



Submitted May 30, 2016 at 11:33AM by Loading------

Capitalization...

Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your uncle jack off a horse.



Submitted May 30, 2016 at 09:18AM by madazzahatter

Did you hear that Adele is going to be part of a duet from now on?

And the person she chose is actually an agronomist. It will be the Farmer and Adele.



Submitted May 30, 2016 at 09:52AM by LennyStick

Penguins and the cop

Credit to u/Akatheerder

A police officer is parked by the side of the road. He sees a pickup truck drive by and it's full of penguins. The officer flips his siren on and pulls the truck over.

He approaches the window and asks the man, "Sir, what are you doing with these penguins?"

"Well they're my pets, officer," the man replies.

"I'm afraid you'll have to take these animals to the zoo," the officer says, and leaves.

The next day, the police officer is parked in the same spot. He sees the same truck drive by. Now all the penguins are wearing sunglasses. He flips the siren on and pulls the truck over.

Upon reaching the window he says, "Sir, I told you to take these animals to the zoo."

"Yes officer, I did," replies the man. "Today we're going to the beach."



Submitted May 30, 2016 at 07:15AM by Naptownfellow

I have a gun by my bed.

So in the event of an intruder, I can shoot myself to avoid having to interact with a human being.



Submitted May 30, 2016 at 07:40AM by celsiusnarhwal

Bees

So my friend says they know someone with a brilliant sense of beauty. Like, they can spot masterpiece artwork from just a glance. Apparently they work at a bee apiary, and keep bees, so I have no idea how they came across this skill.

But I guess its true what they say. Beauty is in the eye of the bee holder.



Submitted May 30, 2016 at 09:26AM by GenericRamblings

How do you find Will Smith in the snow?

You look for the fresh prints



Submitted May 30, 2016 at 02:58AM by Miss_Align

That's why you don't where Russian pants...

Chernobyl fallout.



Submitted May 30, 2016 at 08:30AM by Stunt_Ignition

When does CPR become necrophilia?

When you are both stiff



Submitted May 30, 2016 at 07:53AM by BaaADy

My wife is a better dad than me!

So yesterday I found a toy car in the freezer that my 1 year old son had put there. In telling my wife the story I told her that I was disappointed that it was a car, since: if it was a shoe I could say it was cold feet, and if it was a phone he was trying to cold call someone.

My wife, completely deadpan, responds:

"He was looking for a cool ride"



Submitted May 30, 2016 at 08:12AM by Dr_Nik

Why don't Hindus eat beef?

Separation of church and steak



Submitted May 30, 2016 at 07:40AM by sagan_drinks_cosmos

Why should you never play poker with a crocodile?

You will lose every hand.



Submitted May 30, 2016 at 02:38AM by u_n_d_e_r_s_c_o_r_3

An 85-year old man is having his annual checkup

The Doctor asks him how he is feeling.

"I've got an eighteen-year old bride who's pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"

The Doctor considers this for a moment, and then says, "Well, let me tell you a story. I know of a guy who's an avid hunter. He never misses a season.

But one day he's in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his gun.

So he's walking in the woods near a creek and suddenly spots a beaver in some brush in front of him! He raises up his umbrella, points it at the beaver and squeezed the handle. BAM !

The beaver drops dead in front of him.

"That's impossible!", says the old man in disbelief, "Someone else must have shot that beaver."

The Doctor says, "My point exactly."



Submitted May 30, 2016 at 04:26AM by AndroGo101

Two Jewish men..

Sid and Al, were sitting in a Indian restaurant in New York . Sid asked Al, 'Are there any Jewish people of our faith born and raised in India ?'

Al replied, 'I don't know, let's just ask our waiter.'

When the waiter came by, Al asked him, 'Are there any Indian Jews?'

The waiter said, 'I won’t be knowing, but I will ask  the Chef .After he returned from the kitchen a few minutes later  and said, 'No sir, no Indian Jews.'

Al wasn't really satisfied with that and asked, 'Are you absolutely sure?'

The waiter, realizing he was dealing with 'foreigners' gave the expected answer, 'I check again,' and went back into the kitchen.

While the waiter was away in the kitchen, Sid said, 'I find it hard to believe that there are no Jews in India  . Our people are scattered everywhere.' 

The waiter returned and said, 'The Chef and the Captai! n my boss and they all say there is no Indian Jews.'

'Are you certain?' Al asked once again, 'I just can't believe there are no Indian Jews!'

Listen you assholes , I asked EVERYONE,' replied the frustrated waiter. 'All we have is Mango Jews, Pineapple Jews, Orange Jews, Coconut Jews & Tomato Jews!   - No Indian Jews OK!!!!!???!!!



Submitted May 29, 2016 at 08:37PM by CliftonsPoint

A police officer jumps into his squad car and calls the station.

“I have an interesting case here,” he says. “A woman shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped.”

“Have you arrested her?” asks the sergeant.

“No, not yet. The floor’s still wet.”



Submitted May 29, 2016 at 05:32PM by ByronCalloway

Sunday, May 29, 2016

A fowl joke

My brother texted our family group chat with a photo of a KFC in the background and a chicken in the foreground. There was some writing about "walking through the valley of shadow and death etc"

My dad replies "that's a-boc-alyptic"



Submitted May 30, 2016 at 12:25AM by A_Hozer

Did you ever hear the story about the broken pencil?

Never mind it's pointless. (Brother got me earlier)



Submitted May 29, 2016 at 10:05PM by theonevic

I had to remove the battery from my carbon monoxide detector.

The constant beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick.



Submitted May 29, 2016 at 11:01PM by computerguy0-0

Two firefighters are fucking

The chief walks in on two of his firefighters having vigorous sex.

He shouts: Hey what the hell are you two doing?

One of the firefighters: Chief, you don't understand, he suffered some serious smoke inhalation.

Chief: Thats not how you treat smoke inhalation. The first step is mouth to mouth.

Firefighter: How do you think all this started?



Submitted May 29, 2016 at 07:59PM by DarkWing260

In 1839 an Arab man made the first condom

The condom was made of goat intestines. In 1844, a British scientist revolutionized the condom by removing the intestines from the goat first



Submitted May 29, 2016 at 06:01PM by Tuofir

I just found out I'm colour blind

The diagnosis came completely out of the green.

(Courtesy of a family member)



Submitted May 29, 2016 at 07:26PM by LeeMayney

My girlfriend's dad is a coffee enthusiast, and also a huge proponent of the dadjoke

Her: "Dad why do you use the other grinder instead of the one built into the coffee machine?"

Dad explains that the other grinder is better because it's a burr grinder

Her: "What's different about a burr grinder?"

Dad: "It's really cold"

confused pause

Dad: "BRRRRR!!"

unanimous eye roll



Submitted May 29, 2016 at 08:18PM by zoidbergular

My 6yo son me. Me: "Don't eat all of those Swedish fish at once you get a stomachache." Him: "I won't Daddy. I'll eat them one at a time."

So proud of him.



Submitted May 29, 2016 at 07:46PM by superdownvotemaster

Original physics joke. I'm very proud.

I was organizing my desk the other day and the Entropy Police gave me a ticket for disturbing the chaos.



Submitted May 29, 2016 at 08:24PM by ozerik

Why did the console peasant cross the road?

To render the buildings on the other side.



Submitted May 29, 2016 at 12:19PM by theactual80freak

Cockpit duties...

Years ago on a long AA flight, an elderly lady asked if she could visit the cockpit.

When she got up there, she found four crewmen. She asked the first what he did, and he explained that he was the navigator and what his responsibilities were.

She turned to next one and asked what he did. He explained that he was the engineer and his job was to monitor and troubleshoot any system problems to keep the flight operating smoothly.

She turned to the next one and asked what he did. He explained that as the captain he was responsible for everything on the airplane and the functioning of the crew. She turned to the first officer and asked "Well young man, what is your job?"

He replied "Ma'am, I am the captain's sexual advisor."

Somewhat shocked, she said "I beg your pardon, but what do you mean by that?"

"Very simple ma'am. The captain has told me that when he wants my fucking advice, he'll ask me."



Submitted May 29, 2016 at 04:13PM by KellyfromLeedsUK

My FIL when leaving the house with MIL, "You drive and I'll nag"

He then looks at me and says "marital navigation, Nagigation".



Submitted May 29, 2016 at 06:12PM by Prime__Number

As a Marxist I could never play CoD,

because I refuse to create a class.



Submitted May 29, 2016 at 03:00PM by DemoChris

How do mermaids give birth?

They have a sea-section.



Submitted May 29, 2016 at 05:41PM by Feelin__Squirrely

What did the man with five penises say when putting on his condom?

It fits like a glove!



Submitted May 29, 2016 at 03:59PM by ironandtwine9

I put my root beer in a square glass.

Now it's just beer.



Submitted May 29, 2016 at 10:59AM by MingeMagnets

*rubs a lamp*

rubs a lamp

Genie appears and asks for a wish

"I don't wanna die virgin"

*Genie grants immortality



Submitted May 29, 2016 at 12:14PM by biohazard_11

Honey, there are broken condoms on the couch

Dear, we've talked about this- call the children by their names



Submitted May 29, 2016 at 12:43PM by sKaSes

Little Johnny lives with his mother on a farm...

One day he comes running in and screams: "Mommy, Mommy, the bull is fucking the cow!" His Mother slaps him hard and says: "We don't use language like that in this house, the next time it happens, say 'The bull is surprising the cow.'" Rubbing his cheek, Little Johnny walks away.

A couple of days go by and Little Johnny runs in again, screaming "Mommy, Mommy, the bull is surprising all the cows!", his Mother turns around and says "That's not possible, he can't be surprising all the cows at once" Little Johnny says: "Yes he can, because he's fucking the horse!"



Submitted May 29, 2016 at 11:17AM by MCWiferunt

What do you call it when a white person robs you?

Capitalism.



Submitted May 29, 2016 at 10:36AM by SammDogg619

I asked my somewhat short dad why he has so many tall friends.

With a growing smirk, he replied, "They help me with my shortcomings."



Submitted May 29, 2016 at 12:23PM by WillItBlonde

Did you know that you can fit any boat on your head like a hat, if you flip it over?

That makes it cap sized



Submitted May 29, 2016 at 10:37AM by TheCreatorLovesYou

[PSA] If it's okay, I'd like to say a few words about this sub reddit

Banana, spoon, table



Submitted May 29, 2016 at 12:32PM by RedAmulet

So a Black guy walks into a bar with a beautiful parrot on his shoulder...

The bartender says "Wow, that's something real special you've got there! Where'd you get it?"

"Africa!", says the parrot.



Submitted May 29, 2016 at 06:51AM by RifleGun

Happened about 20 minutes ago...

Dad stepped on my foot so I yelled "watch my foot!" so he stopped and started starring at my foot....



Submitted May 29, 2016 at 11:48AM by lunchbandit

Who built King Arthur's round table?

Sir Cumferemce



Submitted May 29, 2016 at 11:31AM by Doc_Hooligan

My wife left me for an Indian guy

I know he's going to treat her well, I heard they worship cows.



Submitted May 29, 2016 at 10:26AM by PM_ME_PICS_OF_YER_MA

My 5 year olds painful twist on a knock knock joke.

I was telling my son the "knock knock who's there banana joke", and he laughed and told me to tell it to him again. As I said knock knock he then backhanded my face and said "you shouldn't stand so close to the door"



Submitted May 29, 2016 at 02:49AM by SharifB1

I spilled coffee on my lap

I was up all night.



Submitted May 29, 2016 at 07:53AM by wheezy360

A man walks into a bar...

... and upon entering it declares "Trump supporters are assholes."

A second man gets up from his barstool and yells at the first man from across the bar "Hey! I take offense to that!"

"Are you a Trump supporter?" inquires the first man.

"No," the second man replies, "I'm an asshole."



Submitted May 28, 2016 at 11:54PM by Spaceman--_--Spiff

Pinocchio [NSFW]

Pinocchio is making love to his human girlfriend, when she cries, "Stop, Pinocchio, please stop!"

Pinocchio asks, "What's wrong, baby?"

"You're too rough."

Pinocchio thinks for a moment, then says, "I'm sorry, I'll try to be a little more gentle..."

She responds, "No, you don't understand. You're too rough. I'm getting splinters down there."

The next day, he's telling this to Geppeto. "You really gotta help me fix this..."

Geppeto replies, "Head down to the toolbox, in the bottom drawer is some 220-grit sandpaper. That should fix the problem."

A week or so later, Geppeto is in Home Depot, and he sees Pinocchio in line at the cashier, with another package of sandpaper.

"Hey, Pinocchio," Geppeto calls out. "It looks like the girls are really liking the new smooth feel!"

Pinocchio replies, "Girls? Who needs girls?"



Submitted May 29, 2016 at 01:31AM by PJMurphy

Try not to get all wound up over a video

It sould really put a spring in your step.



Submitted May 29, 2016 at 05:00AM by ILikePornInMyMouth

If you weigh a whale at a whale weighing station, where do you weigh a pie

Somewhere over the rainbow, weigh a pie



Submitted May 29, 2016 at 04:29AM by NeonSteyr

Daughter: "Does jello go bad?"

Dad: "It gets molded."

Credit to a friend who came up with this, and who took a minute to understand why I was laughing at his answer.

Thought I would share it with you bunch of fun guys.



Submitted May 29, 2016 at 04:11AM by Tarbogman

Seeing eye dogs.

A man with a German Shepherd goes into a pub and sits down at the bar. The bartender says "Sorry, you can't bring that dog in here." The man replies "But this is a seeing eye dog!" The bartender then says "Well, okay then, I guess it can stay".

After a while, the man and the German Shepherd get up to leave. As they're going out the door, another man with a Chihuahua is coming in. The first man says "The bartender won't like you bringing that dog in here, but just tell him it's a seeing eye dog and then it'll be okay". The second man looks dubiously at his tiny Chihuahua, thinks a few seconds, then thanks the first man and goes on in. The bartender says "Hey! You can't bring that Chihuahua in here!" The man stares straight ahead and exclaims "What? They sold me a Chihuahua?!"



Submitted May 28, 2016 at 10:55PM by star_bury

Saturday, May 28, 2016

I left my adderall in my Ford Fiesta.

Now it's a Ford Focus.



Submitted May 29, 2016 at 01:09AM by Ryanismeyes

I love the smell of my F5 key...

It's just so refreshing!



Submitted May 28, 2016 at 11:57PM by madazzahatter

I asked my german friends if they had Oculus Rifts yet

they said "V.R. Ready"



Submitted May 28, 2016 at 07:49PM by vrdetective

Whoever invented the door knocker,

deserves the no bell prize!



Submitted May 29, 2016 at 12:17AM by WhyDoIEven1231

My friend just asked me how my dad is.

I said, "oh you know. He's dad-dy."



Submitted May 28, 2016 at 11:45PM by Tunavi

What's the point of Jewish football?

To get the quarter back.



Submitted May 28, 2016 at 08:45PM by lecrisko

My boyfriend said he loves hooters, tits, and boobies

He's a bird watcher



Submitted May 28, 2016 at 10:54PM by prematurealzheimers

Never do a parachute jump with your girlfriend...

Do it with a parachute.



Submitted May 28, 2016 at 05:27PM by shadowcircuits

My daughter became a dad...

my two year old daughter was pretending to be asleep... I said "uh oh! I think she's asleep!" she said "I'm not asleep, I'm [Susie]!"

[name changed]



Submitted May 28, 2016 at 10:00PM by socalitguy

My girlfriends father, the king of the dad joke/pun, walks past a can of tick repellent..

Glances at his watch, taps it, keeps walking and says "Still ticking. What a scam"

On a daily/hourly basis he reels them off. It's amazing. He also photoshops pictures (using Microsoft Paint, because he likes the challenge) of himself into various ridiculous and punny situations that might be the most comically genius things I've ever seen. If you're interested I'll find some for you guys.



Submitted May 28, 2016 at 09:52PM by pmqv

I heard Reddit likes pics of cabs. Here's mine.



Submitted May 28, 2016 at 09:17PM by TheTrueFlexKavana

Said while in a sauna (from Seinfeld I think)...

Man it's like a sauna in here. Gets laughs every time.



Submitted May 28, 2016 at 08:19PM by bosspoker

A coworker just asked me "Why is it so bright outside?"

I replied "because we're 93 million miles from the nearest star."



Submitted May 28, 2016 at 08:09PM by Chronoblivion

Why does Wally (Waldo) always wear stripes?

Because he doesn't want to be spotted!

I'll let myself out.



Submitted May 28, 2016 at 06:00PM by ykeloy

A joke told by an old man.

I was speaking to an old man at the grocery store yesterday when he told me something interesting about the olden days of america.

Old man: Son, back in the day my mother could give me a dollar and I could run to the store and get myself a candy bar and a soda pop, and still have money left over to buy the milk my mom asked me to get.

Me: Sucks you can not do that today!

Oldman: Yeah, I know son! Now a days, there is just way to much security . . .



Submitted May 28, 2016 at 04:58PM by SpaceMan7795

What my dad says every time we drive by a cemetery...

"People are just dying to get in there!"



Submitted May 28, 2016 at 05:49PM by tbgmdhc278

Puppy Love (NSFW)

A father and his 6-year-old son are walking down the street, and they come across two dogs having sex. The boy is shocked by what he sees and asks his father "Daddy, what are they doing?" The father, not wanting to lie to his son, says "they're just making a puppy."

"OK" says the son, and the father is relieved that he doesn't probe further.

The next day, the son bursts into his parents' room and sees them having sex.

The father jumps up and quickly covers himself. Knowing he's in for an interesting talk, walks downstairs with him and they sit at the dining room table.

His son asks him "Daddy, what were you and mommy doing?" Again, wanting to be honest with his son, he says "me and mommy were making a baby." His son pauses for a moment, thinking, and then replies:

"Next time flip mommy over, I want a puppy!"



Submitted May 28, 2016 at 03:49PM by VanillaSarsaparilla

(Xpost /r/writingprompts) Thought you guys might enjoy this.

Link to prompt

"[WP] Upon his deathbed, your father's last words to you is the worst dad joke you've ever heard."


After yet another boring day at school, I got home, ready to make food and spend the entire night procrastinating. The problem is that, as I walked up, I noticed an abnormal number of cars littering the area, some even double-parked on our street. Must be some kind of party. Damnit, Dad.

The front door was unlocked, and the main room was entirely empty, but I could hear some commotion upstairs and slowly creeped up to see what was going on. There were at least fifty people packed into the upper floor, like sardines. I recognized a few of them as aunts or uncles, though some I'd never seen.

"Oh, sweetie, you're home. Come this way," my Aunt Jane said, planting a fat kiss on my forehead. She dragged me through the crowd and into my father's room, where my dad was bundled under the covers with an IV running into his arm.

"Hey, buddy," he said softly with a weak smile. I walked up to him and furrowed my brow.

"Dad, what's going on? Why are all these people here?"

He grabbed my hand and patted it. "I've been trying to keep this from you as long as possible, but I can't anymore."

"Dad, what are you talking about?" I asked wildly, heart pounding against my chest as if trying to break free. "I'm confused."

"Hi, Confused," he said, gripping my hand. A single tear flowed from his left eye. "I'm Dying."



Submitted May 28, 2016 at 05:32PM by resonatingfury

I found a hole in my wall that I didn't know existed

Me: I never knew that hole was there My Dad: where did you think it was?

I then proceeded to laugh way too much



Submitted May 28, 2016 at 04:58PM by Stefano9

My penis used to be in the Guinness Book of World Records.

Then I got kicked out of the library.



Submitted May 28, 2016 at 04:01PM by PortlandPerson94

Why is whacking a Donald Trump piñata a really *bad* idea?

Because it's full of shit



Submitted May 28, 2016 at 02:12PM by Wikiwnt

Have you heard about the new device Apple are doing for policemen?

It's called the iPlod.



Submitted May 28, 2016 at 03:13PM by flamedbaby

Man in the city centre asked me "how do you vote?"

i said "at the church near my house, what about you?"



Submitted May 28, 2016 at 03:14PM by Drmacaroon

So there's this half-man, half-frog looking thing that lives under the docks...

He's a portmantoad.



Submitted May 28, 2016 at 03:20PM by OK_Compooper

This is one part TIFU one part dad joke

So today as I was making my morning coffee, I fill up my little K cup thing with my coffee and walk over to the coffee maker to put it in and I spill it all over the floor. I start cleaning it up when my dad walks in and chuckles. I say "What?" And he replies "Hehe, coffee GROUNDS". We had a good laugh.



Submitted May 28, 2016 at 12:33PM by Markustherealiest

Every single morning I get hit by the same bike

It's a vicious cycle.



Submitted May 28, 2016 at 09:51AM by Jet_98

Sure, white people can't say the 'n word'

But at least we can say phrases like "Thanks for the warning, Officer" and "Hey Dad"



Submitted May 28, 2016 at 06:40AM by andreaslordos

The alarming rate at which bees are dying off

Has been a real buzz kill



Submitted May 28, 2016 at 11:27AM by doebro

Maria is a devout Catholic: She gets married and has 17 children.

Soon after the last child is born her husband dies.

A few weeks later she remarries and over the following years has another 22 children with her second husband.

After the last child is born her second husband also dies.

Within a month Maria is engaged to be married a third time. Unfortunately she becomes very ill and dies.

At her wake, the priest looks tenderly at Maria as she lies in her coffin, looks up to the heavens and says,

"At least, they're finally together."

A man standing next to the priest asks,

"Excuse me, Father, but do you mean Maria and her first husband, or Maria and her second husband?"

The priest says, "I mean her legs."



Submitted May 28, 2016 at 08:53AM by monkeydemul

I've been so stressed recently I've been doing that Chinese thing with the needles.

You know...heroin.



Submitted May 28, 2016 at 10:29AM by Charlie_Faplin_

What do you call a belt made of dollar bills?

A waist of money.



Submitted May 28, 2016 at 06:28AM by kiwi-ish

An engineer quit his job and decided to open a clinic...

He hung a sign saying," I will cure your illness for $500 otherwise, if I fail to cure it, I will pay you $1500."

A doctor was curious and assumed that he could easily exploit this, so he walked into the clinic and told the engineer,“ I have lost my taste."

Upon hearing this, the engineer told his assistant to get a tablespoon of kerosene and give it to the doctor. When he tasted the kerosene, the doctor spat it out and exclaimed," That was terrible!"

The engineer smirked and replied," That would be $500." The doctor paid and left grumbling

Still determined, the doctor went back to the clinic and told the engineer this time," I have lost my memory!"

The engineer told his assistant to give the doctor another tablespoon of kerosene. When the doctor heard it, he immediately stopped the assistant.

The engineer, once again, laughed and told the doctor," That would be $500." The doctor paid and left

Even more determined, the doctor marched into the clinic and told the engineer," I have lost my vision." The engineer thought for a moment and sighed and replied, " I do not have a cure for that, I will write you the check for $1500." So, he goes off and begins to write a check.

The doctor smirked and waited for the engineer. When the engineer came back, he handed the doctor the check and left.

"WAIT! This check only has $200, are you trying to cheat me?" the doctor exclaimed. But at that moment, the doctor realised his fault.

"That would be another $500, thank you." the engineer replied, laughing.



Submitted May 28, 2016 at 07:46AM by jiahaowoo64

A man is driving a car through the woods...

Suddenly, he stumbles upon a frog and he immidiately stops. He leaves his car, and the frog thanks him for stopping and offers him 3 wishes. The man is confused, but eventually he has these 3 wishes:

  1. I want a huge house
  2. I want a basement full of money
  3. I want 2 women in every room with big boobs.

The frog claps, and hops away. Man goes to his home, and he has something to see: huge house, with his name on the mailbox. He enters it and in all rooms there are women waiting for him, he rushes to his basement to see it full of money. After a few days of 'making love' and spending some money, he decides to visit the frog again to thank it.

He goes to the forest to the exact spot where he first saw the frog, and after he finds it, he thanks the frog and asks if there's anything he can do for it.

"Everyone always asks me for wishes, but I have always wanted someone to fuck me."

After all that the frog has done for the man, he could not refuse. He starts, and suddenly BAM!, the frog turns into a 13 year old girl.

THAT'S WHAT HAPPENED YOUR HONOR, NOT WHAT THE MOM SAID!



Submitted May 28, 2016 at 03:02AM by Tathar96

Why are there never any problems at an observatory?

Things are always looking up.



Submitted May 28, 2016 at 05:47AM by Pietdagamer

What's more Irish than eating potatoes?

Not eating potatoes.



Submitted May 28, 2016 at 01:49AM by DorakoDo

Friday, May 27, 2016

Okay, I thought this up on the way to work this morning and I'm like 40% sure it's original.

What did one patch of moss say to the other when asked what he thought of the summer weather?

He said: "I'm lichen it so far!"

Now you're allowed to laugh, if you'd like.



Submitted May 27, 2016 at 10:45PM by aforsberg

My girlfriend misplaced some of her makeup...

Gf: "I can't find my concealer"

Me: "Wow, sounds like it's some good stuff then."

She was silent for like a solid five seconds before just saying "fuck off"



Submitted May 27, 2016 at 10:20PM by Mono200

Speaking of Grandpa Jokes....

I was at the mall with some friends getting breakfast. We were sitting at a table with a elderly man on the table next to us. Naturally we were on our phones, playing a game. Elderly man looks over "Hey, you know what game I used to play? Getting laid." And promptly sits up and walks away.

Couldn't make this up if I tried.



Submitted May 27, 2016 at 11:17PM by Zelgon

What it the capital of Hungary?

Starving



Submitted May 27, 2016 at 07:56PM by Gematt43

A married man goes into a confessional...

A married man goes into a confessional and says to his priest, "I had an affair with a woman... almost."

The priest says, "What do you mean, almost?"

The man says, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."

The priest says, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say 5 Hail Marys and put $50 in the poor box."

The man leaves the confessional, says his prayers, then walks over to the poor box.

He pauses for a moment and then starts to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly runs over to him saying, "I saw that, you didn't put any money in the poor box!"

The man replies, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and apparently that's the same as putting it in."



Submitted May 27, 2016 at 06:45PM by madazzahatter

I was disappointed to have to pay for my new roof

they promised me it would be on the house



Submitted May 27, 2016 at 07:15PM by vrdetective

Mom, why am I getting Christmas gifts in July?

Because it's cheaper than chemotherapy.



Submitted May 27, 2016 at 06:49PM by _Survivor_of_Hathsin

I store drugs right under my nose

Don't believe me? Check my stash



Submitted May 27, 2016 at 07:18PM by guywhothinksheisfuny

Why should you avoid dating chicks with only one leg?

They're unstable.



Submitted May 27, 2016 at 08:06PM by exoxe

I Farted...

I farted infront of my Jewish friend and he got offended, i shrugged and said "what? A little gas never killed anyone"



Submitted May 27, 2016 at 03:47PM by SHKscotland

Why was Pavlov's hair so soft?

Classical conditioning.



Submitted May 27, 2016 at 06:38PM by Phizzwizard

What's the big deal? Lots of people have insomnia.

You don't find them losing any sleep over it.

Grandpa Munster (Season 1 Episode 3)



Submitted May 27, 2016 at 06:04PM by kyledeb

What does DNA stand for

National Dyslexia Association.



Submitted May 27, 2016 at 02:24PM by zandy2z

Dad: Ocean's being real polite today

Me: What do you mean the ocean's being polite?
Dad: It keeps waving at us
Me: ugh



Submitted May 27, 2016 at 04:29PM by hutimuti

The Fart

Dr. Epstein was a renowned physician who earned his medical degree in his hometown and then left for Manhattan. "Soon he was invited to give a speech in his hometown. As he placed his papers on the lectern they slid off onto the floor and when he bent over to retrieve them, at precisely the wrong instant, he farted, and the microphone amplified it throughout the room. He was embarrassed but regained his composure to deliver his paper. As he concluded, he raced out the stage door, never to be seen in his hometown again.

Decades later when his elderly mother was ill, he returned to visit her. He reserved a hotel room under a false name, Solomon Levy, and arrived under cover of darkness. The desk clerk asked him, "Is this your first visit to our city, Mr. Levy?"

Dr. Epstein replied, "Well, young man, no, it isn't. I grew up here but then I moved away."

"Why haven't you visited?" asked the desk clerk."

"I did visit once, many years ago, but an embarrassing thing happened and since then I've been too ashamed to return."

The clerk consoled him. "Sir, while I don't have your life experience, one thing I have learned is that often what seems embarrassing to me isn't even remembered by others. I bet that's true of your incident too."

"Dr. Epstein replied, "Son , I doubt that's the case with my incident."

"Was it a long time ago?"

"Yes, many years."

The clerk asked, ‘Was it before or after the Epstein Fart?"



Submitted May 27, 2016 at 12:25PM by ThorTheMastiff

There are five states of matter.

  1. Solid
  2. Liquid
  3. Gas
  4. Plasma
  5. Black Lives


Submitted May 27, 2016 at 01:13PM by GeorgeForemanGrillz

I once met a girl with 12 nipples. Sounds weird....

...Dozen tit?



Submitted May 27, 2016 at 10:45AM by DankSoulsIII

Remember when you were a kid and when you cried your parents said, "I'll give you a reason to cry"?

I always thought they were gunna hit me, not that they were going to destroy the housing market 20 years later.



Submitted May 27, 2016 at 01:05PM by Dude_Hold_My_Bear

Baby Alligator

What do you call an meddling alligator that was created in one day?

An Instigator.



Submitted May 27, 2016 at 01:55PM by Cruzinspeed

My girlfriend played right into my dadjoke trap

Gf: "know what's in theaters today?"

Me: "people"

Gf: "no, the x men"

Me: "well it must not be any good if there aren't people in the theaters"



Submitted May 27, 2016 at 01:58PM by WhatWouldAsmodeusDo

"I'm sorry" and "I apologize" mean the same thing...

Unless you're talking to someone at a funeral.

Dimitri Martin



Submitted May 27, 2016 at 09:46AM by Trumps_the_main_man

What's the most sensitive part of an orchestra?

The pianist.



Submitted May 27, 2016 at 01:18PM by cornbread_curfew

a farmer in the field with his cows counted 196 of them

but when he rounded them up he had 200



Submitted May 27, 2016 at 12:45PM by citizenkraft

What do you guys think of Steak puns?

I think it's a rare medium well done.



Submitted May 27, 2016 at 12:53PM by Zigmanjames

Grandpa jokes are different than Dad jokes, but I think we're all familiar.

I was walking into the Dunkin Donuts this morning for some coffee and passed an older man as he was leaving.

"Sorry, they're all out of donuts!" he told me.

But like, they weren't out of donuts.



Submitted May 27, 2016 at 12:16PM by apollo_loves_you

PSA: Dad jokes can be as deadly than hunger

Last night, my family came to pick me up from work after the kids' swim lessons. They were tired, hungry, grumpy, hungry, and hungry on the drive home.

My 6 year old: "Ugh... I'm going to die..."

Me: "You're right; we're all going to die. What are you going to die of?"

6yo: "Hunger and your jokes."

Me: "Well, I hope my jokes get you first. That sounds like a better way to go."

You heard it here first, folks. Dad jokes can potentially kill faster than starvation. Wield them carefully.



Submitted May 27, 2016 at 12:03PM by chaosTechnician

A professor at the University was giving a lecture on the supernatural.

To get a feel for his audience, he asks, "How many people here believe in ghosts?"

About 90 students raise their hands.

"Well, that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've seen a ghost?"

About 40 students raise their hands.

"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?"

About 15 students raise their hands.

"Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"

3 students raise their hands.

"That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further... Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?"

Way in the back, Billy raises his hand.

The professor takes off his glasses, and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture; no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."

The big redneck student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium. When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, "So, Billy, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?"

Billy replied, "Shit! From way back there I thought you said, "Goats!"



Submitted May 27, 2016 at 08:29AM by monkeydemul

I told a girl she would look better with her hair back and she got really offended.

Chemo patients are so sensitive.



Submitted May 27, 2016 at 08:10AM by mydearwatson616

How many "friend zone" guys does it take to put in a light bulb?

It doesn't matter how many. They just compliment it and get mad when it won't screw. Edit: Credits to Drougen for making it better.



Submitted May 27, 2016 at 10:05AM by Googlemydinosour

Why was Donald Trump worried his wife was pregnant?

He made Melania late again



Submitted May 27, 2016 at 11:02AM by hutimuti

called my girlfriend the ice queen. (cold and emotionless)

She looks me dead in the eyes and said 'the cold doesn't bother me anyway'

Hi five then walk away.



Submitted May 27, 2016 at 10:40AM by whistler6576

When you're cold , find a corner.

They are usually 90 degrees



Submitted May 27, 2016 at 10:47AM by grumpycowboy

The Flash

So I have started watching Arrow and The Flash. Although both are fun to watch. I like The Flash, it is a bit faster paced.



Submitted May 27, 2016 at 10:15AM by habitualthinker

I was visiting NYC for the first time when a black guy walked up to me and asked if the Yankees won

I said, "yeah man, you're free!"



Submitted May 27, 2016 at 07:45AM by Plz_Dont_Gild_Me

A man is walking along...

when he sees a ladder going straight up into the clouds. His curiosity gets the better of him so he starts climbing.

He reaches a cloud, upon which is sitting a stout, ugly woman.

"Screw me or climb the ladder to success," she says.

No thanks, thinks the man, so he climbs the ladder to the next cloud. On this cloud is a slightly thinner woman, who is a bit easier on the eye.

"Screw me hard or climb the ladder to success," she says.

"Well," thinks the man, "might as well keep going."

On the next cloud is another lady who this time is very attractive.

"Screw me now or climb the ladder to success," she flirted.

As he turns her down and goes on up the ladder, the man thinks to himself that this was getting better the further he went.

On the next cloud is an absolute beauty. Slim, attractive, the whole works. "Fuck me hard or climb the ladder to success," she begs.

Unable to imagine what could be waiting, and being a gambling man, he decided to climb again. When he reached the next cloud, there was a 400-pound ugly man, armpit hair showing, flies buzzing around his head.

"Who the hell are you?" the man asked.

"Hey cutie," said the ugly fat man, "my name is Cess!"



Submitted May 27, 2016 at 06:38AM by koolmagicguy

Who build King Arthur's round table?

Sir Cumference



Submitted May 27, 2016 at 06:37AM by Maximum_Ordinate

I hope they add some different color to the Next X-Men Movie

Because the Days of Fuschia Past.



Submitted May 27, 2016 at 02:39AM by StarsoftheNight

How do you annoy people on Reddit?

[removed]



Submitted May 27, 2016 at 01:23AM by ChippersRevenge

My daughter the dancer

My daughter is a few months old and is very active with her legs. She kicks a lot so if I hold her a bit off the ground it looks like she's dancing.

On a visit to my parents, I went to show them this while I was sitting on the couch. I held her up and told her to "dance on daddy's belly".

My dad: Oh - she's a belly dancer!



Submitted May 27, 2016 at 07:14AM by Sane123

A girl comes crying into her mother's home

and says "He dumped me, I guess I'll never have sex with a boy again". Her mother asks the girl to follow her to the bathroom. From a hidden cupboard, she pulls out a pink dildo and gives it to her.

The girl angrily says "A dildo? I have to use a stupid toy to please me?"

"Its a magic dildo dear," says her mom calmly "just say the words 'Great Magic Dildo' followed by where you want it to please you and it will do the job."

So the girl goes to her house and says "Great Magic Dildo vagina." The dildo immediately goes flying to her pussy, tears her underwear and rapidly penetrates her pussy, exciting her like no man has. It makes her cum harder than ever before. The girl is very pleased and tired. She lies down on the floor holding the dildo in awe when her ex-boyfriend comes barging in and says "Hey listen, I want to talk to yo-what are you holding??"

"Its a Great Magic Dildo."

Laughing, he says "Yeah great magic dildo my ass."



Submitted May 27, 2016 at 06:09AM by ANAL_SIEGE

Pedro was driving down a street when...

Pedro was driving down the Panjim street in a swift because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.

Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of my life and give up my whiskey. I will give up gambling and womanising too!!"

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Pedro looked up again and said," Never mind, I found one ! Sorry I bothered you !!"



Submitted May 27, 2016 at 04:52AM by voracread

The President has just landed in Hiroshima...

The President just landed in Hiroshima, becoming the first sitting US President to do so. So I asked to my coworkers, "So does that mean we just dropped in Obama in Hiroshima?" Don't know why I got some groans out of that.



Submitted May 27, 2016 at 04:34AM by XavierWildcat

I was flirting with this teenager on the internet...

...after a while, she tells me she's an undercover cop.

How cool is that for someone her age?



Submitted May 26, 2016 at 11:43PM by Romejanic

an old man died and was delivered to the local mortuary.....

... and he's wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

The mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed, pointing out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'

The woman returns the next day and to her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.

She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied.. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?'

To her astonishment, the mortician presents her with the blank check, 'There's no charge.'

'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit,' she says.

'Honestly, ma'am,' the mortician says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'

'So I just switched the heads.'



Submitted May 26, 2016 at 11:01PM by youwishyouwereacat

Are you running an electric test?

Heard my dad's friend ask that, then upon inquiring he said, "Because you constantly leave your bedroom light on".



Submitted May 27, 2016 at 02:44AM by stonecold55

Did you hear about the farmer who wanted to marry a melon?

A judge told him he cantaloupe.



Submitted May 27, 2016 at 03:00AM by Amoreena23

Thursday, May 26, 2016

How do you say, "Richard and Robert retrieved a rabbit" without pronouncing the "r's?"

Dick and Bob caught a bunny.



Submitted May 27, 2016 at 02:05AM by Amoreena23

A body builder takes off his shirt.

A blonde says, "Wow, what a great chest you have!"

He says, "100lbs of dynamite, babe!"

He takes off his pants and the blonde says "What massive calves you have!"

He replies, "That's 100lbs of dynamite, babe!"

He then removes his underwear and the blonde runs off screaming in fear. He puts his clothes back on and chases behind her. He finally catches up with her and asks why she ran like that.

She says, "I was afraid to be around all that dynamite after I saw how short the fuse was!"



Submitted May 26, 2016 at 04:41PM by michaelh33

What do residents of the Shire use for birth control?

Anything, really, as long as it's non-Hobbit-forming.



Submitted May 26, 2016 at 11:09PM by bramley

You know what makes a leader?

A thousand milliliters.



Submitted May 26, 2016 at 08:03PM by Firree

Why were all the computers in the company frozen?

Because they let IT go



Submitted May 26, 2016 at 02:03PM by annealhilation

You're a poet and you don't know it, but your feet show it,

Because they're long fellows.

My dad just busted that one out and the absurdity is killing me.



Submitted May 26, 2016 at 08:18PM by fanboat

I like my women like I like my golf scores

In the 80s, with a slight handicap



Submitted May 26, 2016 at 01:12PM by CircularJerkuler

What do philosophers use to get to work...

Their train of thought!



Submitted May 26, 2016 at 05:10PM by daguam

Everytime we have sex my girlfriend wants to pretend to be a teenager.

I tell her, "Be patient. You'll be one soon enough."



Submitted May 26, 2016 at 02:06PM by Laez

The sun doesn't need to go to college.

It already has 28 million degrees.



Submitted May 26, 2016 at 06:08PM by gojo345

What did the peanut say when he sneezed?

Cashew.



Submitted May 26, 2016 at 12:41PM by kittycatcatcatxx

Two Jews walking down the street

Two Jews are taking an afternoon stroll. As they pass St. Joseph's Cathedral they notice a sign posted on the front door.

CONVERT TO CATHOLICISM GET $50!

"$50!!," exclaims David. "What a great deal, we can just convert back after!"

"Hold your horses," says Aaron. "It could be a scam, tell you what, I will go and do it, we'll see if this deal is real."

Aaron goes into the cathedral and David waits outside.

Finally, after an hour passes, Aaron comes out of the cathedral.

"So? Was it a scam? Did you get the $50??," asks David.

Aaron replies, "Is it always about the money with you people?"



Submitted May 26, 2016 at 02:22PM by OtherSideofSky

Why do clumsy farmers make the best DJs?

They are most likely to drop a good beet.



Submitted May 26, 2016 at 04:33PM by OleDetour

Medical Miracles

A flat-chested young lady read an article in a magazine that stated Dr. Bumbutu in Africa could enlarge your breasts without surgery. So she decided to contact Dr. Bumbutu to see if he could help her.

Dr. Bumbutu advised her, 'Every day after your shower, rub your chest and say, 'Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies!' She did this faithfully for several months, and to her utter amazement she grew a terrific D-cup rack!

One morning she was running late, got on the bus, and in a panic realized she had forgotten her morning ritual. Frightened she might lose her lovely boobs if she didn't recite the little rhyme, she stood right there in the middle aisle of the bus, closed her eyes, and said, 'Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies.'

A guy sitting nearby looked at her and asked ' Are you a patient of Dr Bumbutu's?'

Yes I am. How did you know?'

He winked and whispered, 'Hickory dickory dock...'



Submitted May 26, 2016 at 12:54PM by weaverl47

What's the difference between Hillary Clinton and an acronym?

An acronym stands for something



Submitted May 26, 2016 at 12:04PM by TheCreatorLovesYou