When twins go down on you.
Submitted May 31, 2016 at 11:25PM by Readybeeill
A priest is taking a cab home from church after a long day of services. It's night and it's raining heavily. Suddenly the taxi hits a pothole. The driver mutters under his breath "Fuck!" Seconds later, they hit another pothole and the driver says "Shit!" The priest has finally had enough,
"Son, don't use these words, they anger our Good Lord. Say for instance, 'Lord help us'"
The cabbie reluctantly agrees. As they drive on, they hit a really big pothole and the entire wheel falls off! The cabbie remembering the priest's words says "Lord help us!" Suddenly, the wheel stops, rolls back, and snaps back on!
"What the fuck?" said the priest.
Him:Why did the chicken cross the road? Me: Why? Him: To get to the stupid persons house. Me: voluntary laugh as older cousin Him: Knock knock.
Me: Who's there?
Him: It's the chicken!
I fell right into the little tackers trap!
Because they are fourwarnings
He started counting but fell asleep.
They hate plaque buildup.
The emo is stopped by the rope.
He responded with "I guess that tree will have more bark than usual".
They hired me as the "before" picture.
I asked if she was sure it didn't taste like Aristotle.
A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy finds an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole." The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole." The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hairspray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. Then he puts the worm back into the hole.
The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hairspray, and runs into the house. Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the little boy another five dollars.
The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars." The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your grandma."
"Aren't they always?"
Wife groaned. Wife's friend had the delayed giggles. Good times.
I hate having sex in the bath.
One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, farmer John says to Carol, 'The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the rail above the cow's stall in the barn. You show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?' So then the farmer leaves for the fields. After a while, the insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door. Carol takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him, 'This is the one...right here.' Terribly impressed by what he seemed to think just might be another ditzy blonde, the man asks, 'Tell me lady, how did you know this is the cow to be bred?' 'That's simple; by the nail over its stall', Carol explains very confidently. Then the man asks, 'What's the nail for?' She turns and starts to walk away and with complete confidence, says over her shoulder, ......'I assume it's to hang your trousers on.'
He had a microchip on his shoulder.
And he's driving wildly. He's doing tons of doughnuts to pass the time. Suddenly, his car stops. Jake checks and realizes that he's out of gas. And nowhere near civilization. And without water.
Realizing he needs liquids for the trek ahead of him, so he searches his car for something. The only thing he finds is his poisonous windshield wiper fluid. To at least have something, Jake decides to take it with him.
And then the journey begins.
So he walks...
Eventually, he gets too exhausted to walk, so he crawls...
Dehydrated from the blazing desert heat, he gives in to his reflexes and drinks the windshield wiper fluid.
It didn't help.
So he continued to crawl...
But then, as he thought he couldn't crawl anymore, he sees the strangest thing in his entire life: a snake wrapped around a large upright stick.
Bewildered, he approached the reptile.
Then, the snake speaks to Jake:
"Hello, I am Nate, Guardian of the Lever. If the lever is pulled, the entire universe, everything in it, and all life will come to an end. I was told that the next person who approaches would be the new Guardian of the Lever, and I was to grant him three wishes to reward him for accepting this noble task."
Jake processes the extreme responsibility bestowed upon him, and gladly accepts his new role. He begins with his first wish:
"First, make me healthy. I am simultaneously dying of windshield wiper poisoning and dehydration."
And Nate obeyed; with a swish of his tail, Jake was cured.
"Second, get me out of this desert. While the Lever is great, I want to go home."
Nate replies, "Before I grant your second wish, what is your third wish?"
Jake ponders this, and finally decides, "I want all of the wisdom in the entire universe. I want to understand how to be successful and live life to the fullest."
And then Nate granted both of Jake's wishes, bringing him back home with new knowledge.
With this knowledge, Jake became very wealthy. He bought a beautiful house with an amazing view, started a family, and sold an extremely successful start-up.
However, Jake knew of his responsibility, and would often go to see his good friend Nate, who still lived by the Lever because he had been there for so long.
On one of his trips to visit Nate, Jake takes a new car through the desert. After a distance, Jake sees the Lever, a cliff, and Nate. Jake decides to stop the car and reaches to brake, but he unfortunately bought his car from the wrong person, for the brakes weren't working. Jake analyzes the situation. If he keeps going straight, he'll plummet off of a cliff. If he turns left, he'll hit the Lever which will end the entire universe, everything in it, and all life. If he turns right, he'll crush his good friend Nate.
Jake knows the correct decision.
He turns right and kills his good friend Nate.
Jake then exclaims, "Better Nate than Lever!"
Me: "Don't let them stay on for too long; the clock is ticking"
My sister was talking about an episode of bones in which they apparently found a body in a wine barrel.
My dad stops her and says, "so are you saying it was a full-bodied wine?"
I've been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
"Ladies and gentlemen, I'm afraid I have some bad news. One of our engines has gone out. We still have 3 working fine, but in order to make it across the ocean, we will have to dump all the luggage. It will be picked up by boats and returned to the airport where you can pick it up. Sorry for the inconvenience."
Well, then about 15 minutes later, the captain comes on again.
"Ladies and gentlemen, I'm afraid I have some more bad news. We just lost another engine. Since we already dumped the luggage, we will now have to drop people. You will be given floating devices and will be picked up immediately by a boat and taken safely to shore. To be fair, we will do this in alphabetical order. 'A' is for African American. All African Americans, please raise your hands."
Well, hearing this, the little black boy started to raise his hand. His father pushed his hand down and said, "No son, keep it down!"
When no one raised their hands, the captain said, "Okay, fine, let's move on to the letter 'B'. 'B' is for black. All blacks, raise your hands."
Again, the little black boy starts to raise his hand, and his father stops him again.
The captain comes on once more, and says, "Well then, I guess we'll move on to C. 'C' is for Colored. All colored people, raise your hands."
The little black boy starts to raise his hand, and his father pushes it down and tells him no.
"But dad!" he says, "We are African American, we are black, and we are also called colored. Why won't you let me raise my hand?"
His father says, "No son, today, we're niggers. Those damn Jews and Mexicans are going before us!"
Without other people's dicks in it.
some background: so at the end of the first half, steph curry hit a layup where he went really high off the glass...then there was a slo-mo replay right before halftime commercials and the commentator said "look how high curry had to shoot the ball"
so my mom was walking in from the kitchen at this point when she heard the word "high" and for some reason said "i can jump really high"
so, thinking i was the funny one of the family, i said "but you cant even reach the cereal off the fridge!!! thats why you have a step-stool in every room of the house!!!"
without even missing a beat, my mom said "thats why they call me STEP curry"
(btw, we are indian and my mom likes the GSW because his name has the word "curry" in it).
i died...anyways, it was a great game today too! now whos gonna watch the "roots" rerun?
Me: "Aw man, did my pants fall down again?"
Wife glares at me, my kids hang their heads in shame. I couldn't keep myself from laughing own joke.
I know it's not clever like most of you guys, but I felt so accomplished.
My parents visited me last weekend. Short on ideas, we decided to hit up a widely-respected art museum. They had some new exhibitions, some of which were a little outside our personal tastes and expectations.
We walked into a photography exhibit and saw, along one wall, a sheet of green. This sheet of green was a little higher and taller than the average door, and stretched all the way down that bit of wall plus a few feet onto the floor.
"Oh," I said, "a green screen. That's kind of a neat little thing to have here. Sort of an homage to that style of film, I guess?"
Little did I know. In hindsight, I don't know why I expected anything different.
My father and I approached the plaque beside it. There we learned the truth: This was not a green screen. No. No, this was a specially printed photograph.
A photograph... of a green screen.
There we stood, astonished at the audacity of the thing before us. "My God," I said aloud, "This, right here, this is something else. This is just plain genius. Can you imagine getting money for something like this? Why didn't we come up with this? This is gold!"
To which my dad simply responded, "No, son...
... it's green."
A young Jewish man walks into the Lingerie Department of Macy's in New York. He tells the saleslady, "I would like a Jewish bra for my wife size 34 B."
With a quizzical look the saleslady asked, "What kind of bra?"
He repeated, "A Jewish bra. She said to tell you that she wanted a Jewish bra, and that you would know what she wanted."
"Ah, now I remember," said the saleslady. "We don't get as many requests for them as we used to. Most of our customers lately want the Catholic bra, or the Salvation Army bra, or the Presbyterian bra."
Confused, and a little flustered, the man asked "So, what are the differences?"
The saleslady responded. "It is all really quite simple. The Catholic bra supports the masses, the Salvation Army lifts up the fallen, and the Presbyterian bra keeps them staunch and upright."
He mused on that information for a minute and said: "Hmm. I know I'll regret asking, but what does the Jewish bra do?"
"Ah, the Jewish bra," she replied "makes mountains out of molehills.
We were talking about Ireland at the dinner table.
Dad: "Did you know the Great Potato Famine caused many prisoners to contract skin diseases?"
Dad: "Yep, it produced a lot of leper-cons."
My first son was born late on Sunday night. My parents came to visit my family in the hospital today and my dad was telling me how they thought they had parked next to my car before they saw the parking spot was marked "Clergy Only".
I told him I could park there because I was a Father now.
Sat down and the TV kept freezing so we were changing the channel to find one that wouldn't freeze and grandad pipes up "Why do you keep changing the channel" Me "Because it's freezing!" Him "what's the temperature got to do with the television".......
She wants to hand me the phone: your aunt wanted to speak with you.
Me: is she on the phone ?
I take the phone ..
She: If you dial her number :D
After a stressful day, one man comes home and sits in his backyard, drinking a beer.
As he's getting up to get a snack, he stops and asks, "Jesus, what is the meaning of life?"
To which Jesus replies,"You slave in the sun to support the ones you love. You make money so you can buy things for your family to keep them happy."
The man asks,"Jesus, why is life so hard?"
To which Jesus replies,"That, no one may ever know. You have to overcome many obstacles to be successful."
The man asks again,"How was the universe created?"
Jesus replies,"I'm sorry, señor, but can you stop asking questions? I'm trying to mow your lawn."
EDIT: Thanks for getting me onto the front page!
My 3 year old daughter "I'm thirsty!"
Me "have a juice box"
My daughter "yum! Thanks dad! "
Me "you know why little children liked Jesus when he was here? Because he was the king of the juice!"
Religious wife rolls eyes
A muggy night
I think I should aim for a younger crowd.
What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous ...
He has a confused, lost look on his face, so his wife asks what's wrong.
The man turns to her and says, "I've been having the strangest urge at work lately."
His wife, being the caring woman she is, asks "What is it."
The man sighs and says, "I keep wanting to put my dick in the pickle slicer."
The woman stifles a laugh tells her husband not to put his penis in the pickle slicer.
A few weeks go by, and the man only wabts to put his penis in the pickle slicer more and more, so he goes to his manager, to ask for help, and the manager refers him to an occupational therapist and gives him some time off. Nothing helps though, the therapist refers him to a real psychologist, hoping that maybe they can cure this man's affliction.
So one day the man comes home to his wife and says with a sigh, "Honey, I got fired today. I put my penis in the pickle slicer."
She gasps, crying out "oh my god! You have to go to the hospital!"
The man looks up at her, "Oh no, I'm perfectly fine. I feel great, actually."
His wife is now completely bewildered, "But, bu--your peni- and the pickle slicer!?"
The man shrugs, "Yeah, she got fired, too."
I say "cows do it all the time."
admitting it is the first step in a nude erection
My grandfather once told me, "Your generation is too reliant on technology."
So I replied, "No, your generation is too reliant on technology!"
Then I disconnected his life support.
I was asked by my cousin to be an MC for his wedding reception. I feel like he (and my extended family) would appreciate some groan-inducing wedding/marriage jokes. Figured I'd check here.
And the person she chose is actually an agronomist. It will be the Farmer and Adele.
Credit to u/Akatheerder
A police officer is parked by the side of the road. He sees a pickup truck drive by and it's full of penguins. The officer flips his siren on and pulls the truck over.
He approaches the window and asks the man, "Sir, what are you doing with these penguins?"
"Well they're my pets, officer," the man replies.
"I'm afraid you'll have to take these animals to the zoo," the officer says, and leaves.
The next day, the police officer is parked in the same spot. He sees the same truck drive by. Now all the penguins are wearing sunglasses. He flips the siren on and pulls the truck over.
Upon reaching the window he says, "Sir, I told you to take these animals to the zoo."
"Yes officer, I did," replies the man. "Today we're going to the beach."
So my friend says they know someone with a brilliant sense of beauty. Like, they can spot masterpiece artwork from just a glance. Apparently they work at a bee apiary, and keep bees, so I have no idea how they came across this skill.
But I guess its true what they say. Beauty is in the eye of the bee holder.
So yesterday I found a toy car in the freezer that my 1 year old son had put there. In telling my wife the story I told her that I was disappointed that it was a car, since: if it was a shoe I could say it was cold feet, and if it was a phone he was trying to cold call someone.
My wife, completely deadpan, responds:
"He was looking for a cool ride"
The Doctor asks him how he is feeling.
"I've got an eighteen-year old bride who's pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"
The Doctor considers this for a moment, and then says, "Well, let me tell you a story. I know of a guy who's an avid hunter. He never misses a season.
But one day he's in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his gun.
So he's walking in the woods near a creek and suddenly spots a beaver in some brush in front of him! He raises up his umbrella, points it at the beaver and squeezed the handle. BAM !
The beaver drops dead in front of him.
"That's impossible!", says the old man in disbelief, "Someone else must have shot that beaver."
The Doctor says, "My point exactly."
Sid and Al, were sitting in a Indian restaurant in New York . Sid asked Al, 'Are there any Jewish people of our faith born and raised in India ?'
Al replied, 'I don't know, let's just ask our waiter.'
When the waiter came by, Al asked him, 'Are there any Indian Jews?'
The waiter said, 'I won’t be knowing, but I will ask the Chef .After he returned from the kitchen a few minutes later and said, 'No sir, no Indian Jews.'
Al wasn't really satisfied with that and asked, 'Are you absolutely sure?'
The waiter, realizing he was dealing with 'foreigners' gave the expected answer, 'I check again,' and went back into the kitchen.
While the waiter was away in the kitchen, Sid said, 'I find it hard to believe that there are no Jews in India . Our people are scattered everywhere.'
The waiter returned and said, 'The Chef and the Captai! n my boss and they all say there is no Indian Jews.'
'Are you certain?' Al asked once again, 'I just can't believe there are no Indian Jews!'
Listen you assholes , I asked EVERYONE,' replied the frustrated waiter. 'All we have is Mango Jews, Pineapple Jews, Orange Jews, Coconut Jews & Tomato Jews! - No Indian Jews OK!!!!!???!!!
“I have an interesting case here,” he says. “A woman shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped.”
“Have you arrested her?” asks the sergeant.
“No, not yet. The floor’s still wet.”
My brother texted our family group chat with a photo of a KFC in the background and a chicken in the foreground. There was some writing about "walking through the valley of shadow and death etc"
My dad replies "that's a-boc-alyptic"
Never mind it's pointless. (Brother got me earlier)
The constant beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick.
The chief walks in on two of his firefighters having vigorous sex.
He shouts: Hey what the hell are you two doing?
One of the firefighters: Chief, you don't understand, he suffered some serious smoke inhalation.
Chief: Thats not how you treat smoke inhalation. The first step is mouth to mouth.
Firefighter: How do you think all this started?
Her: "Dad why do you use the other grinder instead of the one built into the coffee machine?"
Dad explains that the other grinder is better because it's a burr grinder
Her: "What's different about a burr grinder?"
Dad: "It's really cold"
unanimous eye roll
So proud of him.
Years ago on a long AA flight, an elderly lady asked if she could visit the cockpit.
When she got up there, she found four crewmen. She asked the first what he did, and he explained that he was the navigator and what his responsibilities were.
She turned to next one and asked what he did. He explained that he was the engineer and his job was to monitor and troubleshoot any system problems to keep the flight operating smoothly.
She turned to the next one and asked what he did. He explained that as the captain he was responsible for everything on the airplane and the functioning of the crew. She turned to the first officer and asked "Well young man, what is your job?"
He replied "Ma'am, I am the captain's sexual advisor."
Somewhat shocked, she said "I beg your pardon, but what do you mean by that?"
"Very simple ma'am. The captain has told me that when he wants my fucking advice, he'll ask me."
He then looks at me and says "marital navigation, Nagigation".
It fits like a glove!
One day he comes running in and screams: "Mommy, Mommy, the bull is fucking the cow!" His Mother slaps him hard and says: "We don't use language like that in this house, the next time it happens, say 'The bull is surprising the cow.'" Rubbing his cheek, Little Johnny walks away.
A couple of days go by and Little Johnny runs in again, screaming "Mommy, Mommy, the bull is surprising all the cows!", his Mother turns around and says "That's not possible, he can't be surprising all the cows at once" Little Johnny says: "Yes he can, because he's fucking the horse!"
With a growing smirk, he replied, "They help me with my shortcomings."
That makes it cap sized
Banana, spoon, table
The bartender says "Wow, that's something real special you've got there! Where'd you get it?"
"Africa!", says the parrot.
I was telling my son the "knock knock who's there banana joke", and he laughed and told me to tell it to him again. As I said knock knock he then backhanded my face and said "you shouldn't stand so close to the door"
... and upon entering it declares "Trump supporters are assholes."
A second man gets up from his barstool and yells at the first man from across the bar "Hey! I take offense to that!"
"Are you a Trump supporter?" inquires the first man.
"No," the second man replies, "I'm an asshole."
Pinocchio is making love to his human girlfriend, when she cries, "Stop, Pinocchio, please stop!"
Pinocchio asks, "What's wrong, baby?"
"You're too rough."
Pinocchio thinks for a moment, then says, "I'm sorry, I'll try to be a little more gentle..."
She responds, "No, you don't understand. You're too rough. I'm getting splinters down there."
The next day, he's telling this to Geppeto. "You really gotta help me fix this..."
Geppeto replies, "Head down to the toolbox, in the bottom drawer is some 220-grit sandpaper. That should fix the problem."
A week or so later, Geppeto is in Home Depot, and he sees Pinocchio in line at the cashier, with another package of sandpaper.
"Hey, Pinocchio," Geppeto calls out. "It looks like the girls are really liking the new smooth feel!"
Pinocchio replies, "Girls? Who needs girls?"
Somewhere over the rainbow, weigh a pie
Dad: "It gets molded."
Credit to a friend who came up with this, and who took a minute to understand why I was laughing at his answer.
Thought I would share it with you bunch of fun guys.
A man with a German Shepherd goes into a pub and sits down at the bar. The bartender says "Sorry, you can't bring that dog in here." The man replies "But this is a seeing eye dog!" The bartender then says "Well, okay then, I guess it can stay".
After a while, the man and the German Shepherd get up to leave. As they're going out the door, another man with a Chihuahua is coming in. The first man says "The bartender won't like you bringing that dog in here, but just tell him it's a seeing eye dog and then it'll be okay". The second man looks dubiously at his tiny Chihuahua, thinks a few seconds, then thanks the first man and goes on in. The bartender says "Hey! You can't bring that Chihuahua in here!" The man stares straight ahead and exclaims "What? They sold me a Chihuahua?!"
they said "V.R. Ready"
He's a bird watcher
Glances at his watch, taps it, keeps walking and says "Still ticking. What a scam"
On a daily/hourly basis he reels them off. It's amazing. He also photoshops pictures (using Microsoft Paint, because he likes the challenge) of himself into various ridiculous and punny situations that might be the most comically genius things I've ever seen. If you're interested I'll find some for you guys.
I replied "because we're 93 million miles from the nearest star."
I was speaking to an old man at the grocery store yesterday when he told me something interesting about the olden days of america.
Old man: Son, back in the day my mother could give me a dollar and I could run to the store and get myself a candy bar and a soda pop, and still have money left over to buy the milk my mom asked me to get.
Me: Sucks you can not do that today!
Oldman: Yeah, I know son! Now a days, there is just way to much security . . .
"People are just dying to get in there!"
A father and his 6-year-old son are walking down the street, and they come across two dogs having sex. The boy is shocked by what he sees and asks his father "Daddy, what are they doing?" The father, not wanting to lie to his son, says "they're just making a puppy."
"OK" says the son, and the father is relieved that he doesn't probe further.
The next day, the son bursts into his parents' room and sees them having sex.
The father jumps up and quickly covers himself. Knowing he's in for an interesting talk, walks downstairs with him and they sit at the dining room table.
His son asks him "Daddy, what were you and mommy doing?" Again, wanting to be honest with his son, he says "me and mommy were making a baby." His son pauses for a moment, thinking, and then replies:
"Next time flip mommy over, I want a puppy!"
"[WP] Upon his deathbed, your father's last words to you is the worst dad joke you've ever heard."
After yet another boring day at school, I got home, ready to make food and spend the entire night procrastinating. The problem is that, as I walked up, I noticed an abnormal number of cars littering the area, some even double-parked on our street. Must be some kind of party. Damnit, Dad.
The front door was unlocked, and the main room was entirely empty, but I could hear some commotion upstairs and slowly creeped up to see what was going on. There were at least fifty people packed into the upper floor, like sardines. I recognized a few of them as aunts or uncles, though some I'd never seen.
"Oh, sweetie, you're home. Come this way," my Aunt Jane said, planting a fat kiss on my forehead. She dragged me through the crowd and into my father's room, where my dad was bundled under the covers with an IV running into his arm.
"Hey, buddy," he said softly with a weak smile. I walked up to him and furrowed my brow.
"Dad, what's going on? Why are all these people here?"
He grabbed my hand and patted it. "I've been trying to keep this from you as long as possible, but I can't anymore."
"Dad, what are you talking about?" I asked wildly, heart pounding against my chest as if trying to break free. "I'm confused."
"Hi, Confused," he said, gripping my hand. A single tear flowed from his left eye. "I'm Dying."
Me: I never knew that hole was there My Dad: where did you think it was?
I then proceeded to laugh way too much
Then I got kicked out of the library.
Because it's full of shit
It's called the iPlod.
i said "at the church near my house, what about you?"
He's a portmantoad.
So today as I was making my morning coffee, I fill up my little K cup thing with my coffee and walk over to the coffee maker to put it in and I spill it all over the floor. I start cleaning it up when my dad walks in and chuckles. I say "What?" And he replies "Hehe, coffee GROUNDS". We had a good laugh.
Soon after the last child is born her husband dies.
A few weeks later she remarries and over the following years has another 22 children with her second husband.
After the last child is born her second husband also dies.
Within a month Maria is engaged to be married a third time. Unfortunately she becomes very ill and dies.
At her wake, the priest looks tenderly at Maria as she lies in her coffin, looks up to the heavens and says,
"At least, they're finally together."
A man standing next to the priest asks,
"Excuse me, Father, but do you mean Maria and her first husband, or Maria and her second husband?"
The priest says, "I mean her legs."
He hung a sign saying," I will cure your illness for $500 otherwise, if I fail to cure it, I will pay you $1500."
A doctor was curious and assumed that he could easily exploit this, so he walked into the clinic and told the engineer,“ I have lost my taste."
Upon hearing this, the engineer told his assistant to get a tablespoon of kerosene and give it to the doctor. When he tasted the kerosene, the doctor spat it out and exclaimed," That was terrible!"
The engineer smirked and replied," That would be $500." The doctor paid and left grumbling
Still determined, the doctor went back to the clinic and told the engineer this time," I have lost my memory!"
The engineer told his assistant to give the doctor another tablespoon of kerosene. When the doctor heard it, he immediately stopped the assistant.
The engineer, once again, laughed and told the doctor," That would be $500." The doctor paid and left
Even more determined, the doctor marched into the clinic and told the engineer," I have lost my vision." The engineer thought for a moment and sighed and replied, " I do not have a cure for that, I will write you the check for $1500." So, he goes off and begins to write a check.
The doctor smirked and waited for the engineer. When the engineer came back, he handed the doctor the check and left.
"WAIT! This check only has $200, are you trying to cheat me?" the doctor exclaimed. But at that moment, the doctor realised his fault.
"That would be another $500, thank you." the engineer replied, laughing.
Suddenly, he stumbles upon a frog and he immidiately stops. He leaves his car, and the frog thanks him for stopping and offers him 3 wishes. The man is confused, but eventually he has these 3 wishes:
The frog claps, and hops away. Man goes to his home, and he has something to see: huge house, with his name on the mailbox. He enters it and in all rooms there are women waiting for him, he rushes to his basement to see it full of money. After a few days of 'making love' and spending some money, he decides to visit the frog again to thank it.
He goes to the forest to the exact spot where he first saw the frog, and after he finds it, he thanks the frog and asks if there's anything he can do for it.
"Everyone always asks me for wishes, but I have always wanted someone to fuck me."
After all that the frog has done for the man, he could not refuse. He starts, and suddenly BAM!, the frog turns into a 13 year old girl.
THAT'S WHAT HAPPENED YOUR HONOR, NOT WHAT THE MOM SAID!
Things are always looking up.
What did one patch of moss say to the other when asked what he thought of the summer weather?
He said: "I'm lichen it so far!"
Now you're allowed to laugh, if you'd like.
Gf: "I can't find my concealer"
Me: "Wow, sounds like it's some good stuff then."
She was silent for like a solid five seconds before just saying "fuck off"
I was at the mall with some friends getting breakfast. We were sitting at a table with a elderly man on the table next to us. Naturally we were on our phones, playing a game. Elderly man looks over "Hey, you know what game I used to play? Getting laid." And promptly sits up and walks away.
Couldn't make this up if I tried.
A married man goes into a confessional and says to his priest, "I had an affair with a woman... almost."
The priest says, "What do you mean, almost?"
The man says, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."
The priest says, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say 5 Hail Marys and put $50 in the poor box."
The man leaves the confessional, says his prayers, then walks over to the poor box.
He pauses for a moment and then starts to leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly runs over to him saying, "I saw that, you didn't put any money in the poor box!"
The man replies, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and apparently that's the same as putting it in."
You don't find them losing any sleep over it.
Grandpa Munster (Season 1 Episode 3)
Dr. Epstein was a renowned physician who earned his medical degree in his hometown and then left for Manhattan. "Soon he was invited to give a speech in his hometown. As he placed his papers on the lectern they slid off onto the floor and when he bent over to retrieve them, at precisely the wrong instant, he farted, and the microphone amplified it throughout the room. He was embarrassed but regained his composure to deliver his paper. As he concluded, he raced out the stage door, never to be seen in his hometown again.
Decades later when his elderly mother was ill, he returned to visit her. He reserved a hotel room under a false name, Solomon Levy, and arrived under cover of darkness. The desk clerk asked him, "Is this your first visit to our city, Mr. Levy?"
Dr. Epstein replied, "Well, young man, no, it isn't. I grew up here but then I moved away."
"Why haven't you visited?" asked the desk clerk."
"I did visit once, many years ago, but an embarrassing thing happened and since then I've been too ashamed to return."
The clerk consoled him. "Sir, while I don't have your life experience, one thing I have learned is that often what seems embarrassing to me isn't even remembered by others. I bet that's true of your incident too."
"Dr. Epstein replied, "Son , I doubt that's the case with my incident."
"Was it a long time ago?"
"Yes, many years."
The clerk asked, ‘Was it before or after the Epstein Fart?"
I always thought they were gunna hit me, not that they were going to destroy the housing market 20 years later.
Gf: "know what's in theaters today?"
Gf: "no, the x men"
Me: "well it must not be any good if there aren't people in the theaters"
Unless you're talking to someone at a funeral.
but when he rounded them up he had 200
I was walking into the Dunkin Donuts this morning for some coffee and passed an older man as he was leaving.
"Sorry, they're all out of donuts!" he told me.
But like, they weren't out of donuts.
Last night, my family came to pick me up from work after the kids' swim lessons. They were tired, hungry, grumpy, hungry, and hungry on the drive home.
My 6 year old: "Ugh... I'm going to die..."
Me: "You're right; we're all going to die. What are you going to die of?"
6yo: "Hunger and your jokes."
Me: "Well, I hope my jokes get you first. That sounds like a better way to go."
You heard it here first, folks. Dad jokes can potentially kill faster than starvation. Wield them carefully.
To get a feel for his audience, he asks, "How many people here believe in ghosts?"
About 90 students raise their hands.
"Well, that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've seen a ghost?"
About 40 students raise their hands.
"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?"
About 15 students raise their hands.
"Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"
3 students raise their hands.
"That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further... Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?"
Way in the back, Billy raises his hand.
The professor takes off his glasses, and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture; no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."
The big redneck student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium. When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, "So, Billy, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?"
Billy replied, "Shit! From way back there I thought you said, "Goats!"
Chemo patients are so sensitive.
It doesn't matter how many. They just compliment it and get mad when it won't screw. Edit: Credits to Drougen for making it better.
He made Melania late again
She looks me dead in the eyes and said 'the cold doesn't bother me anyway'
Hi five then walk away.
I said, "yeah man, you're free!"
when he sees a ladder going straight up into the clouds. His curiosity gets the better of him so he starts climbing.
He reaches a cloud, upon which is sitting a stout, ugly woman.
"Screw me or climb the ladder to success," she says.
No thanks, thinks the man, so he climbs the ladder to the next cloud. On this cloud is a slightly thinner woman, who is a bit easier on the eye.
"Screw me hard or climb the ladder to success," she says.
"Well," thinks the man, "might as well keep going."
On the next cloud is another lady who this time is very attractive.
"Screw me now or climb the ladder to success," she flirted.
As he turns her down and goes on up the ladder, the man thinks to himself that this was getting better the further he went.
On the next cloud is an absolute beauty. Slim, attractive, the whole works. "Fuck me hard or climb the ladder to success," she begs.
Unable to imagine what could be waiting, and being a gambling man, he decided to climb again. When he reached the next cloud, there was a 400-pound ugly man, armpit hair showing, flies buzzing around his head.
"Who the hell are you?" the man asked.
"Hey cutie," said the ugly fat man, "my name is Cess!"
Because the Days of Fuschia Past.
My daughter is a few months old and is very active with her legs. She kicks a lot so if I hold her a bit off the ground it looks like she's dancing.
On a visit to my parents, I went to show them this while I was sitting on the couch. I held her up and told her to "dance on daddy's belly".
My dad: Oh - she's a belly dancer!
and says "He dumped me, I guess I'll never have sex with a boy again". Her mother asks the girl to follow her to the bathroom. From a hidden cupboard, she pulls out a pink dildo and gives it to her.
The girl angrily says "A dildo? I have to use a stupid toy to please me?"
"Its a magic dildo dear," says her mom calmly "just say the words 'Great Magic Dildo' followed by where you want it to please you and it will do the job."
So the girl goes to her house and says "Great Magic Dildo vagina." The dildo immediately goes flying to her pussy, tears her underwear and rapidly penetrates her pussy, exciting her like no man has. It makes her cum harder than ever before. The girl is very pleased and tired. She lies down on the floor holding the dildo in awe when her ex-boyfriend comes barging in and says "Hey listen, I want to talk to yo-what are you holding??"
"Its a Great Magic Dildo."
Laughing, he says "Yeah great magic dildo my ass."
Pedro was driving down the Panjim street in a swift because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.
Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of my life and give up my whiskey. I will give up gambling and womanising too!!"
Miraculously, a parking place appeared.
Pedro looked up again and said," Never mind, I found one ! Sorry I bothered you !!"
The President just landed in Hiroshima, becoming the first sitting US President to do so. So I asked to my coworkers, "So does that mean we just dropped in Obama in Hiroshima?" Don't know why I got some groans out of that.
...after a while, she tells me she's an undercover cop.
How cool is that for someone her age?
... and he's wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.
The mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed, pointing out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.
The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'
The woman returns the next day and to her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.
She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied.. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?'
To her astonishment, the mortician presents her with the blank check, 'There's no charge.'
'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit,' she says.
'Honestly, ma'am,' the mortician says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'
'So I just switched the heads.'
A judge told him he cantaloupe.
Dick and Bob caught a bunny.
A blonde says, "Wow, what a great chest you have!"
He says, "100lbs of dynamite, babe!"
He takes off his pants and the blonde says "What massive calves you have!"
He replies, "That's 100lbs of dynamite, babe!"
He then removes his underwear and the blonde runs off screaming in fear. He puts his clothes back on and chases behind her. He finally catches up with her and asks why she ran like that.
She says, "I was afraid to be around all that dynamite after I saw how short the fuse was!"
Anything, really, as long as it's non-Hobbit-forming.
Because they're long fellows.
My dad just busted that one out and the absurdity is killing me.
I tell her, "Be patient. You'll be one soon enough."
Two Jews are taking an afternoon stroll. As they pass St. Joseph's Cathedral they notice a sign posted on the front door.
CONVERT TO CATHOLICISM GET $50!
"$50!!," exclaims David. "What a great deal, we can just convert back after!"
"Hold your horses," says Aaron. "It could be a scam, tell you what, I will go and do it, we'll see if this deal is real."
Aaron goes into the cathedral and David waits outside.
Finally, after an hour passes, Aaron comes out of the cathedral.
"So? Was it a scam? Did you get the $50??," asks David.
Aaron replies, "Is it always about the money with you people?"
A flat-chested young lady read an article in a magazine that stated Dr. Bumbutu in Africa could enlarge your breasts without surgery. So she decided to contact Dr. Bumbutu to see if he could help her.
Dr. Bumbutu advised her, 'Every day after your shower, rub your chest and say, 'Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies!' She did this faithfully for several months, and to her utter amazement she grew a terrific D-cup rack!
One morning she was running late, got on the bus, and in a panic realized she had forgotten her morning ritual. Frightened she might lose her lovely boobs if she didn't recite the little rhyme, she stood right there in the middle aisle of the bus, closed her eyes, and said, 'Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies.'
A guy sitting nearby looked at her and asked ' Are you a patient of Dr Bumbutu's?'
Yes I am. How did you know?'
He winked and whispered, 'Hickory dickory dock...'
An acronym stands for something