Saturday, April 30, 2016

This is made sadder by the fact we don't have human children yet...

Family channel was on and a familiar actress came on screen on an unfamiliar show.

Me: Is that Raven?

My Wife: yeah don't you recognize her?

Me: I couldn't be sure. It might've been a crow or a jackdaw.



Submitted May 01, 2016 at 01:19AM by ZansmoTheMagnificent

My 93 year old grandfather FTW

We were at a family gathering and out of nowhere my 93 year old grandfather announces ''Well, now I have to sit down now when I pee..." All conversation grinds to a halt and everyone looks at him. "My doctor told me no more heavy lifting."



Submitted April 30, 2016 at 11:05PM by Axegrinder100

Little Johnny is walking down the street and sees a construction site building new houses

He has a look at what's going on and he's amazed and in awe of it all. He rushes home as fast as he can. He runs in and shouts ''Dad, dad, can we play builders?'' His dad says ''Sure Johnny''

Johnny runs to the top of the stairs and shouts ''Oi, get them bricks up here now you cunt''



Submitted April 30, 2016 at 07:59PM by Jungle2266

America Runs on Dad Jokes

I work at the local Dunkin' Donuts and our required way of answering drive thru calls is, "Hello! What are you drinking?" At least once a day this is answered by a middle aged man with at least two kids in the backseat, "A rum and Coke if you have one."



Submitted April 30, 2016 at 10:48PM by pomalways0716

I wonder what my wife's favourite US state is.

Maybe Alaska.



Submitted April 30, 2016 at 08:29PM by TWI2T3D

Sperm Bank...

At a sperm bank one day, a man walks up with a ski mask and a gun. He points the gun at the lady at the desk. "Sir.. this is a sperm bank.." says the lady. "I know. Get out three bottles of sperm" he commanded. So she obeys and takes out three bottles of frozen sperm. "Drink it." says the man.

So she wincingly swallows each gulp until they're all empty. Disgusted she takes a look at the man as he takes off his ski mask and pockets his gun.

"See honey? It's not that hard."



Submitted April 30, 2016 at 07:28PM by KellyfromLeedsUK

A blonde was desperate for money...

so she decided to go to the richer neighborhoods around town and look for odd jobs.

At the first house, a man answered the door and told her. 'Yeah, I have a job for you. Could you paint the porch?'

'Sure,' smiled the blonde, 'I'll do it for $100.'

'Great,' the man replied. 'You'll find the paint and stuff you need in the garage.'

The man went back into the house to his wife, who'd been listening. 'A hundred bucks! Does she know it goes all the way around the house?' asked the wife.

'Well, she must. She was standing right on it!' he said.

About 45 minutes later, the blonde knocked on the door. 'I'm all done,' she reported.

The man was amazed. You painted the whole porch?'

'Yeah,' the blonde said. 'I even had some left, so I put on two coats!'

The man reached into his wallet to pay her.

'And by the way,' said the blonde, 'that's not a Porsche. It's a Ferrari.'



Submitted April 30, 2016 at 06:43PM by CryticaLh1T

[NSFW] Dirty Dad Joke

Dad: Hey son, what's your friends name you hung out with last night?

Me: Tommy Dickinson

Dad: Doesn't he have brothers?

Me: Yeh... 2

Dad: Is coach Dickinson from the baseball team their dad?

Me: Who Harry? Yeh... Why?

Dad: Oh... no reason

...Long pause...

Dad: I hear he really likes to live up to his name, and his boys aren't too fond of it. I don't blame them though.

Me: Wait.....Why?

Dad: Well I wouldn't want him fucking me in my ass either.



Submitted April 30, 2016 at 07:56PM by burn23notice

I bought my son a soccer ball. Why?

My wife: I already have so much stuff for his birthday. Why did you buy this soccer ball?

Me: Just for kicks.



Submitted April 30, 2016 at 07:57PM by marfalump

Hey! Did you know that rock and roll can be used as a foundation?

We built this city on it!

My gf rolled her eyes hard at me for this one.



Submitted April 30, 2016 at 08:01PM by cquehe

April showers bring may flowers.

Mayflower brings pilgrims.



Submitted April 30, 2016 at 07:42PM by Chris91210

Have you heard about the three holes in the ground?

Well, well, well.



Submitted April 30, 2016 at 06:04PM by NerdOverlord

If you ever meet a girl named stone...

Don't take her for granite



Submitted April 30, 2016 at 12:24PM by C-McCain

Three men end up in hell

Three guys found themselves in Hell: we will call them Carl, Bob, and Brett, they were a little confused at their present situation, and they were startled to see a door in the wall open, and behind the door was perhaps the ugliest woman they had ever seen. She was 3'4", dirty, and you could smell her even over the Brimstone. The voice of the Devil was heard, "Brett, you have sinned! You are condemned to spend the rest of eternity in bed with this woman!" And Brett was whisked through the door by a group of lesser demons to his torment.

This understandably shook up the other two, and so they both jumped when a second door opened, and they saw an even more disgusting example of womanhood gone wrong. She was over 7' tall, monstrous, covered in thick black hair, and flies circled her. The voice of the Devil was heard, "Carl, you have sinned! You are condemned to spend the rest of eternity in bed with this woman!" And Carl, like Brett, was whisked off.

Bob, now alone, felt understandably anxious, and feared the worst when the third door opened. And as the door inched open, he strained to see the figure of ... Cindy Crawford. Delighted, Bob jumped up, taking in the sight of this beautiful woman, barely dressed in a skimpy bikini. Then he heard the voice of the Devil saying:

"Cindy, you have sinned ........"



Submitted April 30, 2016 at 01:51PM by OldGuyGeek

There's nothing but dirt in Arkansas

Well, there is a Little Rock



Submitted April 30, 2016 at 05:19PM by Jubawub

Going through the bargain DVD bin at Wal-Mart and tell my daughter...

...we should get the Neverending Story and play it on a continuous loop.



Submitted April 30, 2016 at 04:43PM by jvlpdillon

A wife was dying.

A wife was dying. She called her husband and said, "Gary, I've been unfaithful."

Gary answered, "I know. That's why I poisoned you."



Submitted April 30, 2016 at 01:07PM by KellyfromLeedsUK

Are rape jokes funny in this subreddit?

I wouldn't want to do anything if you guys said NO.



Submitted April 30, 2016 at 03:32PM by kittyonmeth

My friend said I was immoral...

I replied, "I prefer amoral, but clearly you're the moral authority"



Submitted April 30, 2016 at 04:22PM by witz33

tricking a nun

A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him. The nun, surprised by the question, politely declines and gets off at the next stop. When the bus starts again, the bus driver says to the hippie, "If you want, I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you." The hippie of course says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery to pray to the lord. "If you went dressed up in robes with some glowing powder, you could convince her you were God and command her to have sex with you." The hippie decides to try this out. That Tuesday, he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun. Right on schedule, the nun shows up. While she's in the middle of praying, the hippie walks out from hiding, in robes and glowing with a mask of god. "I am God, I have heard your prayers and I will answer them but you must have sex with me first," he says. The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she can keep her virginity. The hippie agrees to this and quickly sets about having sex with the nun. After the hippie finishes, he rips off his mask and shouts out, "Ha ha, I'm the hippie!" The nun replies by whipping off her mask and shouting, "Ha ha, I'm the bus driver!"



Submitted April 30, 2016 at 09:01AM by Road_To_10000_Karma

How do you embarrass an archeologist?

Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.



Submitted April 30, 2016 at 09:16AM by ShampooWithLegs

I'm so sad because my friend is moving to Shanghai.

More like Shang-bye.



Submitted April 30, 2016 at 01:20PM by lux514

Why did the blind lady fall into the well?

Because... she couldn't see that well.



Submitted April 30, 2016 at 10:42AM by notsoquick

Naked sunbathing....

A man was sunbathing naked at the beach. For the sake of civility, and to keep it from getting sunburned, he had a hat over his privates. A woman walks past and says, snickering, "If you were a gentleman you'd lift your hat."

He raised an eyebrow and replied, "If you weren't so ugly, it would lift itself."



Submitted April 30, 2016 at 04:46AM by KellyfromLeedsUK

Dad Joke Inception

While celebrating the birth of his newborn, a son is drinking with his father. The father turns to the son with a gift. "Here son, it is your time to have this" says the father as he hands across a book title '1001 Dad Jokes' "Wow, I don't know what to say" states the son "I am honoured" "Hi honoured, I'm dad"



Submitted April 30, 2016 at 11:22AM by Snorklenator

Just ruined my favorite suit

I had just gotten dressed in mine and my dads shared hotel room for a conference. When I squatted to pick something up off the ground I heard a loud rip come from between my legs. I immediately knew that I had in fact ripped my pants straight down the crotch. My dad, standing nearby, says "Damn son, couldn't have held that in a little longer?" I reply with something along the lines of "Dad, I didn't fart, I just ripped my pants" He in turn tells me "Oh, well damn I thought you farted, but in reality you just ripped one."



Submitted April 30, 2016 at 10:59AM by mumblinmad

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident...

a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them is hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, 'Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we were destined to meet and be friends for the rest of our days.'

The man replies, 'I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God!'

The woman continues, 'And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.'

Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle before handing it back to the woman.

The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it to the man.

The man asks, 'Aren't you having any?'

The woman replies, 'No, I think I'll just wait for the police...'



Submitted April 30, 2016 at 06:21AM by CryticaLh1T

Jesus was gay.

He was nailed by 3 guys.



Submitted April 30, 2016 at 04:25AM by pmcconville

Doctor, how can I live longer

Doctor, how can I live longer than 100 years?

Do you smoke? No.

Do you eat too much? No.

Do you go to bed late? No.

Do you have affairs with promiscuous women? No.

Then why would you want to live more than 100 years?



Submitted April 30, 2016 at 02:48AM by leyan4

A stranger dad joked me today.

I bought a new ironing board today and was walking back to my car with it under my arm.

This guy approached me from behind on my right and said "hey this guy's an Ironman!".

I was confused for a second, he then said "hey I am an Ironman too!", pulling out a big ass Ironman dress up toy set thingo he just bought for his son.

It was too perfect. His wife and his son just groaned while I lost it.



Submitted April 30, 2016 at 04:37AM by OrangeTyphoon

A construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw...

He spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but the worker on the ground floor can't hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries to use sign language instead. He points to his eye meaning "I", then he points to his knee meaning "need", then moved his hand back and forth in a saw motion. The worker on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his cock and starts masturbating. The worker on the 5th floor is furious so he runs down to the ground floor and says "what the fuck is wrong with you, I said I needed a handsaw!" The other worker says "I knew that, I was trying to tell you I'm coming."



Submitted April 30, 2016 at 02:54AM by Road_To_10000_Karma

I saw my friend the other day and he asked, "How did you get two black eyes?"

Me: Well, I was at church Sunday and we stood up to sing a hymn. I noticed that the lady in front of me had her dress up in her butt crack, so I reach over and pulled it out for her. She turned around and slugged me in the eye!

My friend: But, how did you get the other black eye?

Me: I realized how much I upset her, so I reached over and put her dress back in her butt crack.



Submitted April 29, 2016 at 08:30PM by howardkinsd

How many cops does it take to push a black man down the stairs?

None, he fell.



Submitted April 29, 2016 at 10:53PM by lovetakelovemake

Friday, April 29, 2016

A slug is probably just a snail that ran out of gas and is heading to the next shell station.

No text found

Submitted April 29, 2016 at 07:19PM by StaringCareBear

I don't see how me exercising will stop children from losing their parents

but people keep telling me it helps end orphans.



Submitted April 29, 2016 at 08:43PM by Twigsnapper

I can hear my mom snoring in the other room

My dad comes in and says

"Tomorrow you're gonna have to pick up all of the wood mom's sawing."



Submitted April 30, 2016 at 12:45AM by offrce

Straws

Was at new orleans jazz festival with my dad, sister, and girlfriend. We got some drinks. My sister offers me a straw.

I reply "Straws are for suckers."

Chuckles and eye rolls all around.



Submitted April 30, 2016 at 12:33AM by tee142002

Where do shapes go to pay for their crimes?

A prism.



Submitted April 29, 2016 at 06:27PM by Heartbreakhobo

This isn't really a text post, but it's a dad joke nonetheless

Dunno if it's been posted before http://ift.tt/1O23RU5



Submitted April 30, 2016 at 12:12AM by apolea

A Concert Pun

My wife and I went to a concert today and someone in the audience started clapping before the music finished. It was a case of premature adulation.



Submitted April 29, 2016 at 11:10PM by Mdweaver7485

makeup beauty Omg = oh my girl so cute

next morning without makeup Omg = ohh My God

omg/omg = life without wife



Submitted April 29, 2016 at 09:57PM by umar67

Just read a terrifying story in the newspaper

It said a guy killed some people in a grocery store the other day, and only did it for a dollar:

Arti chokes 3 for $1



Submitted April 29, 2016 at 10:04PM by leroy_rondo

Should we have a housewarming party?

No. Let's leave the house warming to the utilities.



Submitted April 29, 2016 at 04:52PM by Guido_Cavalcante

What's the difference between USA and USB?

One connects to all your devices & access your data, and the other is a hardware standard.



Submitted April 29, 2016 at 06:07PM by _hot_potato_

What's more useless than a condom at a feminist rally?

Everyone there.



Submitted April 29, 2016 at 05:07PM by -jokesarentfunny-

Three surgeons...

...are discussing what kinds of patients are the easiest for operations.

The first surgeon said, "Electricians are the easiest. Everything inside is color coded."

The second surgeon said, "No, librarians are the easiest. Everything inside is in alphabetical order."

The third surgeon said, "No, politicians are by far the easiest. There's no heart, no guts, no spine, no brain, and no balls. Plus, the head and ass are interchangeable."



Submitted April 29, 2016 at 01:24PM by MelkorHimself

My friend played his cello for the Pope today.

I asked him if he played a B for the Holy See.



Submitted April 29, 2016 at 05:43PM by stenrude

A termite walks into a bar

He sits down and asks "is the bar tender here?"



Submitted April 29, 2016 at 06:32PM by ToDoubleD

Moving brownies

My house mate was carrying a bowl of custard with some brownies in it through the kitchen, I turned to him and said "hmm looks like Brownian motion".



Submitted April 29, 2016 at 05:37PM by ThisUniStudent

I'm rubbing off on my wife

After my wife came home from the gym she told me that she got to wear her new work-out clothes.

I said, "Oh yeah, how did they do for you?"

She replied, "They worked out," followed by a slowly growing smirk as she maintained eye contact.



Submitted April 29, 2016 at 01:26PM by towneseyes

What's a pirate's greatest fear on the first date?

A sunken chest with no booty.



Submitted April 29, 2016 at 04:02PM by waxattacks

The Gettysburg Adress

1195 Baltimore Pike #100, Gettysburg, PA 17325



Submitted April 29, 2016 at 02:11PM by betazoom78

Should kids be allowed to play Goat Simulator?

No text found

Submitted April 29, 2016 at 03:25PM by jesserayadkins

Where did the memes make their last stand?

The Aylmao.



Submitted April 29, 2016 at 12:12PM by ZeShafter

I met my wife in an African Languages class.

We just clicked.



Submitted April 29, 2016 at 01:50PM by lacan123

Got dad joked by 13 yr old girl foster kid....Where do dogs hate to go shopping?

Flea market



Submitted April 29, 2016 at 02:14PM by Dad_Jokes_4_New_Dads

A hispanic magician tells his audience he will vanish on the count of three...

...he counts, "uno, dos," then disappears without a tres.

Saw this somewhere online, thought it belonged here.



Submitted April 29, 2016 at 01:40PM by ncbenavi

Sorry guys...

It's not



Submitted April 29, 2016 at 01:37PM by SledgeHog

What's the difference between pink and purple?

Your grip.



Submitted April 29, 2016 at 08:55AM by KellyfromLeedsUK

What's the difference between a joke and a pretty girl?

sometimes i get the joke.



Submitted April 29, 2016 at 11:00AM by straitouttacompton

Johnny was sitting in class...

...and the teacher told them they would be dismissed after they matched the quote to the president. She starts with "The only thing we have to fear is fear itself." Johnny raises his hand, but Sally calls out "FDR"

"Correct!" says the teacher, and lets her leave.

She asks the next quote:

"If slavery is not wrong, nothing is wrong."

Johnny raises his hand again, but Sarah calls out "Abe Lincoln"

The teacher lets Sarah leave.

At this point, Johnny is getting pretty pissed off and says "I wish all these bitches would shut up."

The teacher asks "Who said that?"

Johnny yells "Bill Clinton" and runs out of the room.



Submitted April 29, 2016 at 09:56AM by Stepping__Razor

A guy robbed a house...

A guy robbed a house and spilled some grape juice. Thankfully though, he managed to wipe it up before it left a stain.

I guess you could say it was a stainless steal.



Submitted April 29, 2016 at 12:57PM by N64GC

I hope it's allowed too.

It's



Submitted April 29, 2016 at 12:44PM by turvoor

Did you hear about this guy named Trent?

His dick was so long, it was bent

He knew he was in trouble, so he stuck it in double

And finally when he came, he went



Submitted April 29, 2016 at 12:31PM by NovaAurora

Boss just told me this one!

Boss: "You know how you make holy water right?"

Me:"No I don't."

Boss:"You boil the hell out of it"



Submitted April 29, 2016 at 11:45AM by Migoozioo

I was never a fan of archery.

Way too many drawbacks.



Submitted April 29, 2016 at 11:54AM by uncle_solf

A biologist, a physicist, a mathematician, and an engineer...

Came up with this a while back, and found it today. I cleaned it up a bit:

A biologist, a physicist, a mathematician, and an engineer can't take it anymore and decide to commit suicide.

The biologist reviews some data and determines the impact velocity required to kill a human. He then calculates the appropriate drop height using basic conservation of energy, and finds a suitable building. The biologist jumps off, but the wind resistance slows him down just enough that he survives with major crippling injuries.

The physicist, hearing of this, develops a more complex model. He models himself as a uniform cone and uses a second order drag model to account for wind resistance. He obtains a numerical solution for the appropriate drop height, which is a little bit higher than what the biologist had anticipated. He finds a suitable building, and jumps off. On the way down, a strong gust blows him into a tree, and then he bounces to the ground. He survives with major crippling injuries.

The mathematician hears of this and is determined to do it right. He models himself as a non-uniform complex 3D body, and sets up a full-on coupled analysis using the Navier-Stokes equations. To determine the required impact velocity, he uses nonlinear FEA software to model skeletal impact. He then reviews 50 years of local wind statistics and surveys the surrounding area to determine any possible gusts and their respective probabilities. He analyzes an array of scenarios using a supercomputer running the best CFD software, and determines a 99% confidence interval for the required drop height. He picks the highest number and applies an additional 10% margin of safety. Finally, the mathematician finds a suitable building and jumps off. Higher than average ambient temperatures cause a nearby snow pile to collapse and slide right into the impact zone. The snow cushions his fall just enough that he survives with major crippling injuries.

The engineer shot himself in the face.



Submitted April 29, 2016 at 08:30AM by Dertrommlinator

What is the most overused joke in this subreddit?

Literally This.



Submitted April 29, 2016 at 10:37AM by Frosty_Fire

Why are women and children evacuated first in a disaster?

So we can think about a solution in silence.



Submitted April 29, 2016 at 09:44AM by Pync

I had a really funny joke...

but autocorrect ruined the lunchtime



Submitted April 29, 2016 at 08:25AM by fat_lazy_mofo

I hope this is allowed here

This



Submitted April 29, 2016 at 10:05AM by rikeus

Why is the NFL draft held in Chicago?

Because it's the Windy City!



Submitted April 29, 2016 at 09:53AM by Merisiel

My 7-year old daughter came up with this one...

What do you call a hippopotamus without a butt?

Hippo-bottom-less!

<tears of pride> She'll be a great dad some day



Submitted April 29, 2016 at 09:39AM by Paleran

A couple wants a divorce, but first they must decide who will be the main guardian of their child.

The jury asks both the man and woman for a reason why they should be the one to keep the child. So the jury asks the woman first. She says, "Well I carried this child around in my stomach for nine months and I had to go through a painful birth process, this is my child and apart of me." The jury is impressed and then turns to ask the man the same question. The man replies, "OK, I take a coin and put it in the drink machine and a drink comes out, now tell me who does the drink belong to me or the machine"



Submitted April 29, 2016 at 02:16AM by msusa

My wife doesn't have sex with me anymore.

And when she kisses me, if feels like she is just giving lip service.



Submitted April 29, 2016 at 09:30AM by Bloopilot

What is heavy forwards but not backwards?

A ton.



Submitted April 29, 2016 at 07:40AM by Kurdock

A morbid dad joke while waiting at the pharmacy

My wife and I were waiting in line at the pharmacy to get her some of the good stuff from behind the counter. When she's sick she can be a little overly dramatic.

Her: "I think I'm dying, do they make anything for that?"

Me: "Funerals"



Submitted April 29, 2016 at 08:33AM by Doc_Osten

Did you hear about the mathematician who's afraid of negative numbers?

He'll stop at nothing to avoid them



Submitted April 29, 2016 at 07:07AM by shambo24

What does a guy getting saved by his flame retardent suit say?

This fire is retarded.



Submitted April 29, 2016 at 08:16AM by topherker

How do you get kids in Flint to hustle more when playing basketball?

Tell them to "get the lead out!"



Submitted April 29, 2016 at 07:56AM by trytobenicerthistime

What concert can you go to for 45 cents?

50 Cent ft. Nickelback



Submitted April 29, 2016 at 02:47AM by asubaba

A policeman knocked on my door this morning, but I just locked it and sat there in complete silence.

After 20 seconds he knocked again, but I just continued to ignore it. The knocks got louder and more frequent but I was determined not to move in the hope that he would just go away.

Then he decided to look through the window. He shouted, "Do you think I'm stupid? I can see you in there, ma'am. Open the door." I said, "You're not coming in!"

He said, "I don't want to come in, I just want you to step out of the car."



Submitted April 28, 2016 at 10:12PM by AbbyTheWondercunt

My friend told me that he dislocated his shoulder. I asked him which one it was...

When he pointed to it, I said, "Looks like you've located it, then."



Submitted April 29, 2016 at 02:44AM by witz33

Thursday, April 28, 2016

During a class on good manners...

and etiquette being held at an all boys school the teacher says to her students:

“If you were courting a well educated young girl from a prominent family and during a dinner for two you needed to go to the restroom, what would you say to her?”

Little Mike replies: “Wait a minute, I gotta go take a piss.”

The teacher says: “That would be very rude and improper on your part.”

Little Charlie chimes in with his attempt: “I’m sorry. I need to go to the toilet. I’ll be back soon.”

The teacher says: “That’s much better but to mention the word 'toilet' during a meal may come across as unpleasant.“

Little Johnny says: "My dear, please excuse me for a moment. I have to go shake hands with a personal friend with whom I hope to be able to introduce you to after dinner.”



Submitted April 28, 2016 at 08:23PM by always_thirsty

More than meets the eye

I was working on disconnecting an old intercom system in our house when I explained to the wife that it's powered by a low voltage line.
Wife: Can't you just cut the power line?
Me: I need to disconnect it at the transformer where the power comes in.
Wife: Well where's that?
Me: Well they're hard to find because it's a robot in disguise.



Submitted April 29, 2016 at 01:05AM by MyOtherAccount_3

Sitting in my American Sign Language class when..

My professor signs:

What do you say to Deaf actors/actresses before a show?

Break a hand.



Submitted April 28, 2016 at 11:28PM by ohhoneyno_

It may not be "politically correct" to say this...

...but there are over one million U.S Senators.



Submitted April 28, 2016 at 07:44PM by error521

My mum got me with it but still a dad joke

Was driving past a big cemetery when I was younger... Mum: you know all the people living next to it can't be buried there Me: why not Mum: because they aren't dead yet!



Submitted April 28, 2016 at 08:14PM by Scotto_oz

The milkman and the baker

There once was a milkman in a village. He was very shy but always very honest. He was always very meticulous about giving a person the exact amount of milk they wanted.

So you could imagine the milkman's surprise when he found a court summons waiting for him at his house.

He was very nervous as he had never brushed up against the law before. So, when the court day came, he put on his best suit, brushed his hair, and went on his way.

When he stepped into the court, he saw the baker in the plaintiff's bench. The milkman went into the defendant's bench and waited for the judge to speak.

"Baker, what is your complaint?" asked the judge.

"Well, here's the situation. Everyday I order a pound of milk. But, whenever I go to weigh it, it's always less than a pound. I want to be compensated for all of the money that was stolen from me by that filthy milkman!"

The judge turned to the milkman and asked, "Well, how do you plead?"

"Not guilty, your honor."

"Is it possible that your scale you use to weigh is not correct?" asked the judge.

"Well, your honor, I am not the richest man so I can't afford the most expensive scale. But I am positive that what I use is satisfactory."

The judge thought for a moment and then asked, "Is it possible that the stones you use as the counterbalance on the scale are slightly off?"

"I don't use stones." The milkman said plainly.

"So, what do you use?" The judge asked, exasperated.

"I use the pound of bread I get from the baker as the counterbalance."



Submitted April 28, 2016 at 06:36PM by brlngerOFdoom

You must be in F**king management!

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She reduced altitude and spotted a man below. She descended a bit more and shouted: "'Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am". The man below replied "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude".

"You must be a technician." said the balloonist. "I am" replied the man "how did you know?" "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you have told me is probably technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information and the fact is, I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip with your talk."

The man below responded, "You must be in management". "I am" replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well," said the man "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fucking fault!!!



Submitted April 28, 2016 at 06:57PM by KellyfromLeedsUK

A Bear and a Rabbit are taking a shit in the middle of the woods...

The Bear turns to the Rabbit and asks, "Hey, do you have a problem with shit sticking to your fur?"

The Rabbit answers, "No, not at all."

So the Bear takes the Rabbit and wipes his ass with him.



Submitted April 28, 2016 at 05:46PM by sha256md5

How do you blow up a Muslim's phone?

Put it on airplane mode.



Submitted April 28, 2016 at 04:39PM by Dokrzz_

I was at a bar with my new girlfriend.

I picked up the fork and said "wanna fork?" She then picked up a napkin and said "it's napkina happen."



Submitted April 28, 2016 at 03:34PM by Krazy_Legs

I got my son good at a graveyard...

So recently me and my son passed a military graveyard that was terribly overcrowded, my son asked why it was so overcrowded. My only answer was...

"This graveyard is so overcrowded because so many people are dying to get in"



Submitted April 28, 2016 at 02:52PM by partytothemax

I try to avoid waterslides.

I do my best to stay way from waterslides. I know they're supposedly safe, but it's a slippery slope...



Submitted April 28, 2016 at 01:33PM by gomboloid

Becoming a vegetarian..

..is a huge missed steak.



Submitted April 28, 2016 at 10:07AM by DPick02

What is superman's favorite snack?

Sun chips.



Submitted April 28, 2016 at 12:31PM by Randomkrazy04

Lying in bed, my girlfriend turned to me and said

"You're a lot like a math exam."

I replied "Why? Because I'm long and hard?"

She said, "No, I'm cheating on you with an Asian."



Submitted April 28, 2016 at 11:35AM by dleiftah

Why should you leery of stairs?

Because they are always up to something.



Submitted April 28, 2016 at 01:15PM by Mjamesdc

How do we know that it was a rainy April in 1620?

Because April showers bring Mayflowers



Submitted April 28, 2016 at 01:07PM by crazytacoman4

What award did Gaston of Beauty and The Beast won?

The No Belle prize



Submitted April 28, 2016 at 11:33AM by HanSoloCenturyFalkon

Do you think Donald Trump get his hairpieces for free...

...or does he have toupée?



Submitted April 28, 2016 at 10:27AM by emwardont

The teaching assistant for our class didn't show up the day after injuring his foot

Our professor told us he had a lame excuse



Submitted April 28, 2016 at 10:12AM by CaptainGoodhair

I'm thinking of opening a pre-owned clock store...

I'm gonna call it 'Second Hand'.



Submitted April 28, 2016 at 07:15AM by Justins_Beard

3 blonde women are on one side of a river...

...wondering how they will get across. The first one decides to pray saying "God please make me smart enough to get across this river." so God turns her into a brunette and she swims across the river. The second also prays saying "Dear God, please make me twice as smart as the last girl so I can get across this river." So God turns her into a red head and she builds a boat and rows across the river. The third also prays "Dear God, please make me twice as smart as both of those women combined." So God turns her into a man and she walks across the bridge.



Submitted April 28, 2016 at 06:06AM by SeagullSalami

Got a coworker with this.

A friend of mine posted a status along the lines of this: "No! No! Why did you have to die you stupid washing machine?!"

Without missing a beat, I commented:

"Well, looks to me that it's all... Washed up."



Submitted April 28, 2016 at 07:30AM by Returningdarkness

What's the difference between america and a bottle of milk?

In 200 years the milk will have developed a culture



Submitted April 28, 2016 at 07:43AM by SigmaSquaredX

How does a T-Rex feel after vigorous exercise?

Dino-Sore



Submitted April 28, 2016 at 07:49AM by TheOctopotamus

Where do you learn to make ice cream?

Sundae school



Submitted April 28, 2016 at 07:55AM by partytothemax

My girlfriend just broke up with me for talking about video games too much...

What a stupid thing to Fallout 4.



Submitted April 28, 2016 at 05:12AM by pickleofwonder

A son walks up to his dad

A son walks up to his dad and tells him: "Dad, did you know in other countries you don't know who your wife is until you get married?"

His dad replies: "It's like that everywhere son."



Submitted April 28, 2016 at 01:47AM by press-control-w

Wednesday, April 27, 2016

I sympathize with these transgendered movements. I too was once a man trapped in a woman's body.

Then I was born.



Submitted April 28, 2016 at 01:27AM by The_Clock_King

What do you call someone who teaches you how to pass gas?

A tooter



Submitted April 27, 2016 at 05:18PM by Ez_e11

I haven't had sex since 1956!

A woman asked a General in the army the last time he made love to a woman, the general stood tall and said "1956 ma'am." The woman, taken back by this answer said "1956?! That long?! Let me make your night better..." and the two sauntered away to a private room. The woman began to strip and the two made passionate love for an hour. The woman cuddled up to the army general afterward and said "well, you sure haven't forgotten any thing since 1956...". The general looked at her confused and said "well I sure hope not. It's only 2130 now!"
Shout out to u/mister_damage



Submitted April 27, 2016 at 10:19PM by ztpurcell

What do you call a deer with no eyes?

I have no i-deer.



Submitted April 27, 2016 at 08:46PM by wtfdommy

A Jew and Arab walk into a bakery...

The Arab immediately steals 3 pastries and puts them in his pocket.

He says to the Jew, "See how good I am? The owner didn't see a thing." The Jew says to the Arab, "That's typical of you Arabs. I am going to show you an honest way to get the same result."

He goes to the owner of the bakery and says, "Give me a pastry and I will show you a magic trick."

Intrigued, the owner accepts and gives him a pastry. The Jew swallows it and asks for another one. The owner gives him another one. Then the Jew swallows that one and asks for a third pastry and eats that, too.

The owner is starting to wonder where the magic trick is and asks, "So what did you do with the pastries?"

The Jew replies, "Look in the Arab's back pocket....."



Submitted April 27, 2016 at 09:17PM by DBZ_Ultimate

The Italian Virginity Test ....

Mario is planning to marry and asks his family doctor how he could tell if his Bride-to-be is still a Virgin. His doctor says … “Mario, all the Italian men I know use three things for what we call a Do-It-Yourself Virginity Test Kit: a small can of Red paint, a small can of Blue paint, and a Shovel.”

Mario asks … “And what do I do with these things, doc?”

The doctor replies … “Before you climb into bed on your wedding night, you paint one of your balls Red and the other ball Blue.

If she says ‘That’s the strangest pair of balls I’ve ever seen!’, you hit her with the Shovel.



Submitted April 27, 2016 at 05:45PM by KellyfromLeedsUK

What did Snow White say while waiting for her photos to develop at Walgreens?

Some day, my prints will come...



Submitted April 27, 2016 at 07:36PM by RedOctober28

One of the most popular searches on pornhub is Minecraft porn

I tried searching for that once. Unfortunately, it was blocked.



Submitted April 27, 2016 at 07:51PM by MrMorlonelycat

If a single stick is called a "fag", and a bundle of "fags" is called a "faggot", then what do you call a group of "faggots"?

A "subreddit"



Submitted April 27, 2016 at 05:50PM by boredinwisc

I saw a play that had King Midas meeting Oedipus.

It was pure motherfucking gold.



Submitted April 27, 2016 at 01:46PM by rayjirdeoxys

On Sports Authority's going out business sale...

"Now is the winter of our discount-tent."



Submitted April 27, 2016 at 05:31PM by Datasinc

When I see a woman driving a bus

When I see a woman driving a bus I smile and think about how far we as a society have come in equality. ` And then I wait for the next bus.



Submitted April 27, 2016 at 02:35PM by atharrn

Last night I dreamt I was a muffler

I woke up exhausted.



Submitted April 27, 2016 at 04:56PM by nidenikolev

Sometimes you gotta keep yourself entertained at work

Working at Hardee's, and I'm scooping up some fries. I notice there's two onion rings in the back of the fry heater thing that keeps them warm sitting there for who knows how long, they don't even look edible at this point. Imagine an onion ring fresh out of the fryer, then throw it into an oven for 30 minutes. I call my manager over.

"Hey man, you know what we call those?"

He smiles, as if he knows what coming.

"Donion rings."

Cue mixed laughing and groaning from those within ear shot.



Submitted April 27, 2016 at 04:38PM by kirbykaz

When a girl seductively tells you, "you can stick it wherever you want"

Apparently in her roommate is NOT one of the options



Submitted April 27, 2016 at 12:50PM by therobshow

How do you put a baby alien to sleep?

You rocket.



Submitted April 27, 2016 at 03:53PM by DuskStruck

What do you call a burning one dollar bill?

A hot single in your area!



Submitted April 27, 2016 at 03:36PM by peachoftree

Why doesn't the Sun go to college?

Because he has a million of degrees.



Submitted April 27, 2016 at 03:42PM by Mjamesdc

What is a word synonymous with every word?

A: Hodor

This is a Game of Thrones reference but came up during helping my kids with their homework on synonyms. I quipped this to my wife to much disgust.



Submitted April 27, 2016 at 03:40PM by NonPracticingAtheist

Three surgeons are sitting in a bar...

... getting drunk and talking about the great successes in their careers. The first takes a shot and says, 'I had a a patient, a concert pianist. He severed all ten of his fingers in a freak cooking accident with a very sharp knife. I meticulously reattached them, and within a year, he played a concert for the Queen of England.' The second surgeon hears this, knocks back a shot, and says, 'You think that's something, listen to this. I had a patient that lost both his legs and his left arm in a freak combine accident. I reattached all three limbs and a year later, he won a triathlon gold medal at the olympics.' The third surgeon sits back and laughs. He buys a round of shots, and says, 'That's nothing. Get this. I had a patient, the man was an equestrian. Well, one day, he was out riding and he lost track of where he was, and he and his horse were hit by a freight train. After the accident, all I had to work with was his toupee and a horse's ass, and today... That man is winning the US Republican presidential primary.'



Submitted April 27, 2016 at 02:10PM by nilscrasher

How did Darth Vader know what Han Solo got Luke for Christmas?

He felt his presents.



Submitted April 27, 2016 at 03:00PM by Ridgetrails

Hitler pun

"Sir, we're mining too many useless minerals."

Hitler: "So mine less."

Grammar Nazi busts in. "MINE FEWER."

(Hitler looks up) "Yes?"



Submitted April 27, 2016 at 01:39PM by s_nisarg

Why couldn't the American leave Russia?

He was snowden



Submitted April 27, 2016 at 11:31AM by CuckedByJaredFogle

Another version of that Ireland joke

This is a repost, it's just that joke reminded me of this joke about a black boy.

He accidentally knocked a bag of flour off the shelf and it went all over him.

His mom came in the kitchen and he decided to make a joke of it. "Look Mom, I'm white!" he said.

His mom slapped him across the cheek. "I can't believe you just said that boy, go tell your father what you just said."

Surprised and a little hurt, he walked over to his Dad in the TV room and said "Hey look Dad... I'm white!"

When his Dad heard that, he flat out punched the kid. Square in the face. The kid was shocked and confused. The Dad said "Boy that's the worst shit I've ever heard, go and show your grandma what you did and tell her what you said.

So the kid begrudgingly walked upstairs and walked into his Grandma's bedroom. "Hey Grandma look, I'm white..."

...and his Grandma just pummeled him. Relentlessly. So hard that both the kids' parents had came upstairs to break up the beating.

They all stood around him and asked him "Yeah well how do you feel about making that joke now?"

The kid just looked up at them and said "...Well I've only been white for 10 minutes, and I hate all you niggers already!"



Submitted April 27, 2016 at 09:33AM by ecmrush

While on the computer the other day

My buddy took a piece of string and set it on my head, I asked him "can you please not" and there the string at him. He said "I can knot" and proceeded to tie the string



Submitted April 27, 2016 at 01:09PM by BenAflecksBestFriend

How much does a graveyard weight?

A skele-ton!



Submitted April 27, 2016 at 12:20PM by gabedc

I hate the number 10210

It's too intense



Submitted April 27, 2016 at 11:57AM by sonnet155

They say there's a person capable of murder in every friendship group.

I suspected it was Dave, so i killed him before he could cause any harm.



Submitted April 27, 2016 at 09:54AM by AlistairTheGecko

What did the snail say while riding on a tortoise?

WEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

(Bonus dad points the longer you draw it out with your arms in the air and/or in a public place)



Submitted April 27, 2016 at 10:52AM by DylansDad

What is the difference between a cat and a comma?

One has claws at the end of its paws and the other is a pause and the end of a clause.



Submitted April 27, 2016 at 09:39AM by THE_ViolentHippie225

Dad made us all come in and watch a news segment

It was about the man in Texas who stole steaks from Walmart, then led police in a car chase and began throwing the steaks out the window. Dad made us all watch the entire segment just so he could tell us, "Looks like it was a steak-out!"



Submitted April 27, 2016 at 10:45AM by sponch426

Drunk As Hell....

Three men had a very late night drinking.

They left in the early morning hours and each went to their home. The next day, they all met for an early pint and compared notes about who was drunker the night before.

The first guy claims that he was the drunkest, saying, "I drove straight home and walked into the house. As soon as I got through the door, I blew chunks."

The second guy said, "You think that was drunk? Hell, I got into my car and wrapped it around the first tree I saw. And I don't even have insurance!"

The third guy proclaimed, "Damn, I was the drunkest by far. When I got home, I got into a big fight with my wife, knocked a candle over, and burned the whole house down!"

The room was silent for a moment.

Then, the first guy spoke out again, "Listen, guys, I don't think you understand...

Chunks is my dog."



Submitted April 27, 2016 at 03:24AM by KellyfromLeedsUK

I saw a hot dog vendor today...

She was good-looking, but I don't really need a dog.



Submitted April 27, 2016 at 06:45AM by peatRepeatRe

Got my Wife While Watching Movie

Movie: Starts metronome and starts playing piano

Me: Hey....what do you call a dwarf on the subway?

Her:...

Me: A Metro Gnome!

Her: I hope you die.



Submitted April 26, 2016 at 11:41PM by ghawdex50

Teacher: Tell me a sentence that starts with an "I"????

Teacher: Tell me a sentence that starts with an "I". Student: I is the.... Teacher: Stop! Never put 'is' after an "I". Always put 'am' after an "I". Student: OK. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.



Submitted April 27, 2016 at 08:07AM by Funtube360

What did one tampon say to the other?

Nothing they are both stuck up cunts



Submitted April 27, 2016 at 07:16AM by Adventchur

I named my eraser Confidence

It gets smaller every time I make a mistake.



Submitted April 26, 2016 at 08:25PM by belungawhale

My wife is mad at me...

W: "I can't believed you fucked my sister!"

M: "She was just lying on the table when I got to work. Stark naked, looking incredibly hot! What was I supposed to do? I'm just human!"

W: "Performed the fucking autopsy!"



Submitted April 27, 2016 at 05:51AM by Coasterman345

So I was at the bar last night

and the waitress screamed "Does anyone know CPR??"

I said, "Hell, I know the whole alphabet!"

Everyone laughed... well, everyone except this one guy



Submitted April 27, 2016 at 06:45AM by Uesugi_Kenshin

Two Muslim Brothers

Two Muslim brothers come to America and have a contest to see who can become more Americanized. A month later they get together and one proudly says "I took my son to a baseball game and we ate hot dogs!" The other replies "Fuck you, towelhead!"



Submitted April 27, 2016 at 03:23AM by HeinusSprainusAnus

Tuesday, April 26, 2016

Sexual Harassment joke....

Every day at the office, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady standing at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.

After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a supervisor in the personnel department and states that she wants to file a sexual harassment grievance against him.

The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled by this decision and asks, "What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?" The woman replies, "It's Keith, the midget."



Submitted April 26, 2016 at 09:23PM by Venkman007

A man runs into a bar...

A man runs into a bar, and demands to the barkeep: "Quick! How tall do penguins grow?"

"About two foot sir" replies the bartender

"Shit. I've just run over a nun."



Submitted April 26, 2016 at 04:36PM by lerjj

I told my son you could make pasta out of potatoes

He said "That sounds gross" so I was like "Hey, don't Gnocchi't til you try it."



Submitted April 26, 2016 at 06:14PM by AliceTheGamedev

I wrote this while laughing at my daughters eye rolling.

To the tune of Row row row your boat.Roll roll roll your eyes because you are a teen. Your Mother and Father are very dumb and you know everything.



Submitted April 26, 2016 at 07:51PM by Speedbump71

Boyfriend got me

Me: "If I get pregnant we aren't naming it Juan." Boyfriend: "Fine, we can name it Two." Me: "That's awful.". Boyfriend: "I guess two can be as bad as Juan."



Submitted April 26, 2016 at 05:19PM by dixiegirl13

How many Joeys are there in Lima?

One Peru.



Submitted April 26, 2016 at 06:31PM by ThinkOutsideTheBachs

Why did the fly fly?

Because the spider spied her.



Submitted April 26, 2016 at 05:52PM by belungawhale

How do you measure a snake?

In inches, because they have no feet.



Submitted April 26, 2016 at 05:18PM by LeoBattlerOfSins_X84

On the beach, you can get wood

If you catch my drift



Submitted April 26, 2016 at 04:04PM by Twigsnapper

Dead Again

During a funeral, the pallbearers accidentally bump into a wall and hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find out that the woman is actually alive. She lives for 10 more years and then dies. There is another funeral for her. At the end of the service, the pallbearers carry out the casket. As they are walking out, the husband cries out, "Watch out for the wall!"



Submitted April 26, 2016 at 12:49PM by Iansch

Happy Hour

A guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender how much for a cup of coffee. The bartender replies: "Two cents."

The guy thinks it's a joke and asks: "Ok, how much for a beer?"

Bartender replies: "Two cents."

The guy gets angry: "And the steak dinner? How much?"

Bartender replies again: "Two cents."

The guy has had enough of the joke and says: "Can I speak to the manager?"

Bartender replies: "No, he's upstairs with my wife."

Guy: "What is he doing with your wife?"

Bartender: "The same thing I'm doing to his business."



Submitted April 26, 2016 at 02:17PM by Holmes02

It's crazy how everyone sleeps differently.

I sleep on my side, my roommate sleeps on his back, and my ex sleeps with everyone.



Submitted April 26, 2016 at 12:17PM by Xenovere

My girlfriend says I’m hopeless at fixing appliances.

Well she’s in for a shock.



Submitted April 26, 2016 at 02:25PM by lacan123

A Muslim boy moves to Ireland...

... On his first day of school his teacher asks, "What is your name?"

"My name is Mohammed" the boy replies.

"You live in Ireland now, Your new name is Mike" says the teacher.

The boy smiles and has a good time in his classes.

After school the boy returns home and is greeted by his mother.

"How was your first day at school, Mohammed?" his mother asks.

"I live in Ireland now, my new name is Mike!" The boy replies.

His mother becomes infuriated, "Have you forgotten where you came from? Your heritage? You have disgraced your ancestors!"

and his mother beat him and when his father comes home from work he does the same.

The next day the boy returns to school and his teacher sees his fresh bruises.

"Mike! What happened?" asked the teacher.

The boy replies with a grimace "Well, shortly after becoming an Irishman I was jumped by two fucking Arabs!"



Submitted April 26, 2016 at 11:50AM by PackieKnowsBest

Bad news about shortbread!

They're not making it any longer.



Submitted April 26, 2016 at 12:57PM by fegoc180

Life is like a box of chocolates...

It ends quicker for fat people.



Submitted April 26, 2016 at 10:11AM by Holy_Shit_A_Username

Man Sees For The First Time (since an injury) And Cracks A Pun



Submitted April 26, 2016 at 01:46PM by Daniel3_5_7

So my kids are trying to find a hot spot. . .

We're taking a school trip to D.C. They ask me "teacher, teacher, can we use your hotspot?". I tell them that the internet speed on my phone is pretty slow. It's more like a lukewarm spot now. All my students groan...



Submitted April 26, 2016 at 12:22PM by Toby9

I got fired for giving a back rub to a psychic.

They don't tolerate massage-a-mystic behavior.



Submitted April 26, 2016 at 01:23PM by Omny87

What do you call a buffet with lot's of garlic.

Buffet The Vampire Slayer.

(Made it up at work today and got a polite chuckle.)



Submitted April 26, 2016 at 01:08PM by atomosk

My girlfriend asked me: "If you won the lottery, would you still love me?"

And I answered: "Of course! I'd miss you, but I still love you"



Submitted April 26, 2016 at 08:39AM by absolutezero_01

YA, HE GOT ME!

Me: When is your birthday? Other: It's April 12th. Me: OK, what year? Other: Every year!



Submitted April 26, 2016 at 12:28PM by shadow3462

What do you get when you cross a dad joke and a rhetorical question?

No text found

Submitted April 26, 2016 at 11:31AM by eiphren

To whoever stole my thesaurus...

To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You're a bad person.



Submitted April 26, 2016 at 02:08AM by madazzahatter

What's the difference between Harry Potter and the Jews?

Harry gets to take the train back.



Submitted April 26, 2016 at 09:22AM by magikkkt

What do you want for breakfast?

This past weekend my wife and daughter were on th couch watching cartoons. I was in the kitchen and yelled,

"What do you guys want for breakfast."

My wife replied, "oh I don't know, whatever is easiest.... Omlette you decide."

This was followed by the sound of knee slapping, and her gasping for air laughing.



Submitted April 26, 2016 at 10:27AM by KungFooGrip

This is what I have to deal with on a daily basis

After lunch, walking back to the office with two of my colleagues. One of them is carrying a lemon. The other one asks him: "Do you want me to help you with that lemon? So I could be your lemonaide"

sigh...

...Now guess which of the two is a dad



Submitted April 26, 2016 at 10:08AM by derSchmiddi

A young couple finish their first date...

...and are heading back to their hotel room. As the man is about to open the door, the woman halts him and says, "Look, I can tell how you make love just by the way you open that door."

She continued, "For instance, my last date thrust the key into the lock and barged the door open. That showed to me that he was rough when making love, and I don't like that."

She paused for a second to recollect her thoughts and then continued, "and the date before spent ten minutes poking around trying to find the lock, and that showed to me that he had no experience, and I don't like that either."

She then fixed her eyes onto the man and asked, "So how do you open the door?"

"Well," the man replied, "first I lick the lock!"



Submitted April 26, 2016 at 08:00AM by yeskevinlad277

Why Won't Michigan Governor Rick Snyder Take Any Flint Tap Water With Him Overseas In Order To Stick To His Promise That He'd Drink It For A Full Month...?

Because he can't get it through the airport metal detectors.



Submitted April 26, 2016 at 04:42AM by ZorroMeansFox

What do you give a bird with a headache? A Parakeetamole.

No text found

Submitted April 26, 2016 at 08:00AM by Edddie1

Suggestion box

I've asked my dad for a couple of changes around the house lately. After I mentioned something else today, I remarked that our family could use a suggestion box, but then said that I realized it would quickly be full of requests for La-Z-Boy recliners.

Dad replies: "But we've already got our own full-sized lazy boy!" and of course starts laughing as if he were the funniest dad ever.



Submitted April 26, 2016 at 07:39AM by reddude7

I was making dad jokes when I was just a kid

I came up with this joke when I was probably about 6 years old, and though it would fit in here. I can still recall the day I came up with it. I was at school, and I remember being super incredibly proud of myself, 100% certain that everybody was going to lose their shit when they heard the joke. That night I told it to my family. They barely reacted at all. I think my mom gave a polite chuckle, and my sister just walked off. I was devastated.

Anyway, here's the joke:

  • What did the father say to his son?

  • You've go to be KIDDING me!



Submitted April 26, 2016 at 06:56AM by Judo_John_Malone

I heard my Mum yelling in the kitchen while cooking spinach..

she was shouting 'WILT YOU OR WON'T YOU?!

sigh



Submitted April 26, 2016 at 03:19AM by what-a-doric

People are obsessed with my CD collection

For example, My ex keeps going on about my issues

I keep asking why she is so obsessed with my KoRn CD's



Submitted April 26, 2016 at 06:06AM by Rotten_Penguin

I'm not sure if i'm liked or hated in my class anymore

In class: Lady: Okay Tom where did you find that answer Me: On this graph Lady: And what did that look like Me: oh its quite graph-ic



Submitted April 26, 2016 at 05:40AM by Tom555

Monday, April 25, 2016

My great Grandpa Randy was a brick layer...

He said, "I was a brick layer for 20 years and no one called me 'Randy the brick layer.'

Then I farmed for 25 year and no one called me 'Randy the farmer.'

But you fuck just one goat.



Submitted April 26, 2016 at 12:18AM by charlton92

I'm a bit too proud of this one

So this happened a few months ago while my SO was about 5 months pregnant.. We were at a restaurant for dinner with my sister and I was absent mindedly wrapping one of those little green paper sleeves that hold cutlery around my thumb when the following happened:

SO looks over at me: are you having a fun time over there?

Me: yeah I have a bit of a knack for gardening!

SO & sister still haven't stopped groaning over it.



Submitted April 26, 2016 at 01:03AM by RabbleRabble668

When does a joke become a dad joke?

When its fully-groan.



Submitted April 26, 2016 at 12:14AM by DuskStruck

When does the punchline become apparent?

When the joke becomes a dad joke.



Submitted April 25, 2016 at 10:43PM by rad10

Girlfriend reached for my bread at a pan-Asian restaurant...

I told her, Naan of it was for her



Submitted April 25, 2016 at 10:19PM by PSU_Arcite

Pulled off an oldie but a goodie!

Managed to keep my wits about me at the urgent care after nearly taking my finger off with an axe this afternoon...

"Doctor, I know this is bad, but am I going to be able to play the piano after you fix me up?"

"Oh yes, it doesn't look like you've damaged the muscle too badly"

"Well that's just excellent; I was never able to play it before!"

I think I'm lucky he finished my stitches...



Submitted April 25, 2016 at 10:01PM by Purgid

Two mods walk into a bar...

[deleted]



Submitted April 25, 2016 at 04:35PM by totalaj

Why couldn't the trash can get his lid up?

...because his girlfriend was hefty.



Submitted April 25, 2016 at 07:38PM by strangetea

A girl asked me if I wanted to join her in yoga at 6 am

I told her, "namaste in bed".



Submitted April 25, 2016 at 02:44PM by Dear_Prudence_

I asked my dad "What's up?", he responds with...

Dad: "Up is a 2009 American 3D computer-animated comedy-drama adventure[3] film produced by Pixar Animation Studios and released by Walt Disney Pictures." (He couldn't contain his laughter and was real, real proud. You could hear my mom groan from upstairs.)



Submitted April 25, 2016 at 06:41PM by DuskStruck

Chef Lagasse lands at Dublin Airport

He walks into the nearest newsstand and starts filling his pockets with candy. As he tries to walk out, he's stopped by a security guard.

Guard: What do you think you're doing? Lagasse: Whatever I want. This is the Emeril Isle. BAM!



Submitted April 25, 2016 at 05:33PM by mcikci

I asked the librarian if they had any books on paranoia

and she whispered "They're behind you."



Submitted April 25, 2016 at 01:53PM by ALPate

No topic is safe.



Submitted April 25, 2016 at 04:59PM by Vaiosony

Why is camping so extreme?

Because your sleep will be in-tents!



Submitted April 25, 2016 at 04:37PM by ThermTwo

If you're American, when are you not American?

When European. Or when you're Russian. Any more? :)



Submitted April 25, 2016 at 04:47PM by LookieAWookie

A priest giving confessional really has to take a piss...

... so he grabs the janitor and drags him into the confessional booth. "Can you fill in for me for a minute?"

"What?"

"Just listen to people, give them 10 hail Mary's, and send them on their way, it's easy," says the priest, and he runs to the bathroom.

A woman comes in on the other side of the curtain. "Bless me father for I have sinned. I have committed countless sins of the flesh, I love sucking cock."

The janitor says, "well, just, uhm, say ten hail Mary's and you shall be forgiven."

"No father, you don't understand! I live for sucking cock, I give out multiple blowjobs to strangers every day, I need more than just hail Mary's!"

Confused, the janitor leans out of the booth, stops a passing altar boy, and whispers, "Hey, what does father O'Mally usually give out for blowjobs?"

The boy says, "Two Snickers bars."



Submitted April 25, 2016 at 02:26PM by BioCyberPunk

what is a foot long and slippery

a slipper



Submitted April 25, 2016 at 04:14PM by Rocketfinger

How many Hillary Clinton supporters does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. They prefer to be left in the dark.



Submitted April 25, 2016 at 01:05PM by iProposeChange

So what do you call a sad vegetable?

Despairagus!



Submitted April 25, 2016 at 03:20PM by SalvadorSmall

Wheels were the first revolutionary invention.

No text found

Submitted April 25, 2016 at 03:18PM by HeWhoSitsWhenHePees

I hate when a girl says the wrong name during sex

They know my name isnt Someone Help



Submitted April 25, 2016 at 02:38PM by TheHolidayArmadilo

Accidentally called my trainer today.

I immediately shot him a text saying "sorry, I glute-dialed you"



Submitted April 25, 2016 at 02:24PM by timmeejr

The very first dad joke

My wife and I have been trying to get pregnant for a couple months. I got a text this afternoon.

Wife: Hey, so, I think I'm late. Me: Hi late, I think I'm dad.

(Sorry if others have posted this same joke. But I'm excited and crossing my fingers this was my first pre-dad joke.)



Submitted April 25, 2016 at 03:02PM by tracistarlord

Why does Snoop Dog carry an umbrella?

Fo drizzle!



Submitted April 25, 2016 at 02:38PM by DuskStruck

A young Julius Caesar and his friend were walking along...

A young Julius Caesar and his friend Kevin were walking along a Roman road. Caesar says "I'm really thinking about going all out this year and having a bust made of myself" to which Kevin replied..."Ughh...Don't get a-head of yourself".



Submitted April 25, 2016 at 02:27PM by Prepopik

At the Walk-In clinic today.

Wife is sick, so we went to the walk-in clinic in town. While in the waiting room, I took the 7 month old to go look at their giant fish tank where I sadly found one laying flat on the bottom not moving. So I went to the front desk to give them a heads up. I said

"Hey I don't know if you guys know but you have a fish over laying on the bottom not moving."

The lady said oh no that's not good, we should call the maintenance guy.

I said "Yeah I don't know if you guys have a swim-up clinic or not, but I'd get him checked in ASAP."

Groans all around!



Submitted April 25, 2016 at 12:57PM by Flattishsassy

Got my friend with a good one.

So last night I was at the movies with a few friends, seeing the Jungle Book. At one point during the movie, my friend Faith got up to get a refill on her popcorn and drink. When she got back, she complained to me that she tripped on the stairs and spilled her popcorn that she just had refilled. I looked her in the eye and said, "I guess you could say you Faith-planted".



Submitted April 25, 2016 at 12:30PM by FLIGHTxWookie

Hillary Clinton was being driven in a private limo to a rally...

... when suddenly, the car hit a large and old-looking cow.

The driver got out and checked to see if it was dead. After confirming the death, he saw the tag on it that said it belonged to a nearby farm. He told Hillary Clinton that he would be going over to the farm to tell the farmers what happened.

About an hour later, he returned. His clothes were messed up, he was covered in lipstick, he had an expensive cigar in his mouth, and in both hands were two full bottles of the most expensive champagne ever.

"What happened?", Hillary asked.

"When I went to the farm, they eagerly invited me in. Then, the husband gave me this cigar, the wife gave me the wine, and their two daughters gave me the best sex of my life!", the driver said with a huge smile on his face.

"What did you say to them?", Hillary asked.

"I said, 'I'm Hillary Clinton's driver and I just killed the old cow', and the rest happened so quickly I couldn't do anything!"



Submitted April 25, 2016 at 10:34AM by Dippingsauce86

The vacuum raised the knife up high, and as he was about to kill his first born boy he exclaimed

"Dyson!"



Submitted April 25, 2016 at 12:25PM by faceoftheancients

TIL if you were a cute kid who grew up to be an unattractive adult it's called Gnilkcud ylgu.

Or reverse ugly duckling.



Submitted April 25, 2016 at 12:02PM by Pete_the_rawdog

Two scientists walk into a bar.

"I'll have H2O," says the first.

"I'll have H2O, too," says the second.

The bartender gives them both water because he is able to distinguish the boundary tones that dictate the grammatical function of homonyms in coda position, as well as pragmatic context.



Submitted April 25, 2016 at 11:00AM by MycoChemist

I went to the zoo the other day. They only had one animal...

It was a shitzu.



Submitted April 25, 2016 at 11:45AM by mgkbull

A man takes his dog to the vet...

The vet picks up the dog and looks at him. After a moment he turns to the man. "Sir," he says, "your dog is healthy but I'm afraid I'm going to have to put him down."

"Why?" the man demanded.

The vet replied, "Because he's heavy."



Submitted April 25, 2016 at 08:06AM by catfoodluvr

Why didn't the dad take a piece of candy?

He doesn't need a Reisen.



Submitted April 25, 2016 at 11:00AM by rook218