Thursday, March 31, 2016

What's the difference between a pick pocket and a peeping tom.

A pick pocket snatches watches.



Submitted March 31, 2016 at 11:37PM by Lord_Scrouncherson

I can see it now, 2020 will be a great year for vision puns.

No text found

Submitted April 01, 2016 at 02:48AM by LifeSnacks

My girlfriend is on vacation in Hawaii. She got me over snapchat today....



Submitted April 01, 2016 at 12:29AM by OverTheAir7149

Did you hear that if Trump is elected, he's going to ban shredded cheese?

He wants to make American grate again.



Submitted April 01, 2016 at 12:17AM by not_alemur

4, 6, 8 and 9 have all been killed.

2, 3, 5, 7 and 11 are the prime suspects.



Submitted March 31, 2016 at 10:07PM by Ryanismeyes

Dads are like boomerangs....

I hope.



Submitted March 31, 2016 at 06:51PM by Omnicolors

Did you hear the circus is in town?

I hear its "intense" (in tents).



Submitted March 31, 2016 at 09:35PM by ooonimrodooo

nature (image)

This joke only works visually, so here it is: http://ift.tt/1M280Mp



Submitted March 31, 2016 at 09:15PM by bachrach44

Why are jedi pools so musical?

They clean them with midichlorine



Submitted March 31, 2016 at 09:11PM by Yelik

My dog pooped in the backyard, and...

My wife remarked, "he is pooping like it's his job!"

"I guess that makes him a producer!"



Submitted March 31, 2016 at 08:57PM by dolcekitten

My girlfriend left a note on the fridge door...

It said, "this is not working. I'm going to my mothers." I opened the door. The light came on. The beer was cold. Just what in the hell did she mean?



Submitted March 31, 2016 at 06:11PM by insolent_swine

IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT

http://ift.tt/1ZOSOnU

Submitted March 31, 2016 at 08:49PM by NotANestleShill

Official /r/jokes announcement

No text found

Submitted March 31, 2016 at 08:16PM by MannoSlimmins

My wife gave me the silent treatment for a week...

It ended when I told her "We've been getting along really well lately".



Submitted March 31, 2016 at 04:08PM by leviathannTV

How come they skipped Windows 9?

Because 7 8 9



Submitted March 31, 2016 at 07:58PM by kendall12321232

What's the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?

I've never paid $100 to have a lentil on my face.



Submitted March 31, 2016 at 06:20PM by turtledave

I for one...

... love Roman numerals.



Submitted March 31, 2016 at 01:23PM by ElderCunningham

Dogs can't operate MRI scanners.

But catscan.



Submitted March 31, 2016 at 01:47PM by smote_upon_the_door

I just wrote a book on reverse psychology!

What ever you do, don't buy it.



Submitted March 31, 2016 at 06:48PM by TheDemeisen

My 16 yr old son loves muscle cars and luxury cars. He noticed a beautiful Lexus next to us at a light. I told him too bad Lexus doesn't make a muscle car.

They could call it Flexus.



Submitted March 31, 2016 at 06:07PM by iJohnny0

What do you call a deer that eats pickles?

A dill doe.



Submitted March 31, 2016 at 06:05PM by amisamiamiam

It's raining outside. Guy at my job says, "I hope it keeps up."

I say, "Why's that?"

He says, "So it doesn't come down."



Submitted March 31, 2016 at 04:28PM by RyanJS0901

A redneck's father passed away in his sleep

So in the morning, he calls 911 to come pick up the body.

The 911 operator told him that she would send someone out right away.

"Where do you live?" asked the operator.

He replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive."

The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?

There was a long pause and finally he said, "How 'bout if I drag him over to Oak Street and you pick him up there?"



Submitted March 31, 2016 at 03:51PM by ortegasb

So this guy loses all his money in Vegas...

...& doesn't have cab fare to airport. He hails taxi anyway, explains situation & promises to send fare from home. He offers credit card #'s, drivers license #, his address, etc...

Cabbie: ''If you don't have 15 bucks, get the hell out of my cab loser!'' He ends up walking 5 miles to the airport & barely catches his flight.

A year later he returns to LV & this time wins big. Feeling great, he goes to the front of the casino to get a cab to the airport, & who does he see but the cabbie who refused to give him a ride when down on his luck. He thinks for a moment & hits on a plan. He gets into the first cab in the line: ''How much for a ride to the airport?" ''15 bucks." 'And how much if you give me a bj on the way?'' ''What?! Get the hell out of my cab ya freak.'' He proceeds to go down the long line of cabs, asking the same question, with the same result. When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he asks: ''How much for a ride to the airport?'' ''15 bucks.'' ''OK,'' as he jumps into front seat w/ a big smile & thumbs up for the other cabbies.



Submitted March 31, 2016 at 02:19PM by JustinHaled420

This joke has been told for 15 years and counting

Dad: Did you here Safeway is going out of business?

Me: No

Dad: You know what I told them, "aw man, I liked shopping there, it's the safe way!"



Submitted March 31, 2016 at 03:10PM by srabear22

Give a man a jacket

and he can leave the house during Winter.

Teach a man to jack it and he'll never leave the house.



Submitted March 31, 2016 at 10:59AM by OnlyNidaleePlz

When does a normal joke become a dad joke?

When the punch line becomes apparent.



Submitted March 31, 2016 at 02:07PM by kenn4095

My Mum told my sister she had to shave my cousins hair...

"Looks like you've got your work cut out for you!" I said.

"Oh yeah, i'm totally buzzing for it." she replied.



Submitted March 31, 2016 at 02:12PM by kapanee

I went to a new restaurant today and got some really sour grapes...

It was not a fruitful endeavor.



Submitted March 31, 2016 at 01:53PM by dielon1217

Better call a veterinarian....

Because it's raining cats and dogs!



Submitted March 31, 2016 at 12:40PM by LookARedHerring

What do you call a man in a pot of boiling water?

Stew



Submitted March 31, 2016 at 01:03PM by The_curtain_feather

Got my Econ class today

Teacher: on this packet of tuna there is a little image of a dolphin. This is showing that it's dolphin friendly, because a lot of times Dolphins will end up getting caught in Tuna fishing nets

Me: I sure hope they aren't doing it on porpoise



Submitted March 31, 2016 at 01:04PM by Schnigster44

I'm very good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet...

I don't know why.



Submitted March 31, 2016 at 08:47AM by ChrisJTW97

A Real Gut-Buster

A woman noticed her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach. “Ha­­! That’s not going to help,” she said.

“Sure, it does,” he said. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”



Submitted March 31, 2016 at 10:01AM by rustamsatti

Why do Vegans never eat chicken?

They may contain eggs.



Submitted March 31, 2016 at 12:16PM by killayoself

My girlfriend thought I was uncircumcised.

I told her that was a falsehood.



Submitted March 31, 2016 at 11:57AM by lazy_smurf

Me and my father were looking for something too keep the wind off us whilst we go camping.

Dad said mother was the best windbreaker he knew

Credit: my dad- 5mins ago



Submitted March 31, 2016 at 11:14AM by BritishBeatOfficer

What do you call it when Trump gets the majority of delegates and still loses the nomination from a contested convention?

Unpresidented.



Submitted March 31, 2016 at 11:05AM by vetokend

Her: Dad do you know what a dad joke is?

Me: Of course honey, it's what comes out of a dad egg.



Submitted March 31, 2016 at 10:28AM by Xpker4lyfe7

Out-dad joked my dad about car names the other day

My parents were visiting me, and my mom's been looking at a new vehicle, specifically a Toyota Rav4. As she's not the most tech-savvy, she got one of the paper brochures from the dealership about the features available.

Being marketing literature for a small SUV, there were plenty of pictures of people running, hiking, and being active. My dad looks at it and goes: "so is this the Toyota for runners?" I immediately said "No, that's probably the Toyota 4runner".

My mom cracked up. My dad just groaned.



Submitted March 31, 2016 at 10:07AM by Tullyswimmer

what happens if you drink 3.14 liters of water?

you will Pi ss



Submitted March 31, 2016 at 09:28AM by momo212

Why didn't the Mexican go bow hunting?

Because he didn't habanero.



Submitted March 31, 2016 at 05:53AM by Critical386

what happens if you drink 3.14 l of water

you will Pi ss



Submitted March 31, 2016 at 09:12AM by momo212

A man was marooned on a desert island.

One day a beautiful woman arrives in a wet suit.
'When did you last have a smoke?' she asks. 'Five years ago.' So she gets out a cigar and he smokes it.
She unzips her wet suit a bit and says, 'When did you last have a drink?' He said, 'Five years ago.' So she gets out a bottle of Scotch and he has a drink.
Then she unzips her wet suit a bit more and says, 'And when was the last time you played around?' He looks at her in amazement and says: 'You're not telling me you've got a set of golf clubs in there?'

Ronnie Corbett (1930 - 2016)



Submitted March 31, 2016 at 07:38AM by Agent4nderson

"Your generation relies too much on technology", my grandpa said.

"No, your generation relies too much on technology", I replied, then I unplugged his life support.



Submitted March 31, 2016 at 01:40AM by glukosio

How do you call a chinese man in a hospital?

With the telephone



Submitted March 31, 2016 at 08:21AM by Whilly_Fall_Ornot

Why do Indians hate snow?

Because it's white and settles on their land.



Submitted March 31, 2016 at 06:24AM by armylink310

Did you hear that Beethoven hated fish?

He was particularly hard on herring.



Submitted March 31, 2016 at 05:45AM by iwrestledasharkonce

There once was a man from Peru,

Whose limericks stopped at line two.



Submitted March 31, 2016 at 01:21AM by Phoenix_Potato

My daughters turning 15. You can tell because of all the back chatting, attitude problems, messy room, raging hormones etc..

I mean she's only 5 at the moment but going on 15. Next year she'll be 21.



Submitted March 31, 2016 at 04:17AM by yeahnahaye

You know what they say about the melons that aren't able to run off and get married?

They cantaloupe.



Submitted March 31, 2016 at 02:52AM by hellslave

Wednesday, March 30, 2016

I was awakened last night by the bulimic lady in the apartment next door.

I knocked on her door and said: "Please keep it down!”



Submitted March 31, 2016 at 12:08AM by rumblefish65

My 14-year-old told me he worked all afternoon with a friend on a report about Finland.

I told him, "Oh! So it's already Finnished!"



Submitted March 30, 2016 at 11:57PM by akambe

I went to a disco last night.

They played The Twist, I did the Twist. They played Jump, I jumped. They played Come on Eileen...I got kicked out for that one.



Submitted March 30, 2016 at 11:39PM by wolfguardian72

When Vanna White dies...

Do you think her family will receive a lot of touching letters?



Submitted March 30, 2016 at 11:01PM by modern_messiah43

Redneck Sex....

A brother and sister are having sex

And randomly the sister just starts giggling

The brother asks "what's so damn funny?"

She responds: "you fuck just like dad"

The brother begins to laugh and says: "I know, mom told me"



Submitted March 30, 2016 at 10:24PM by spicedpumpkins

What is the one thing that Democrats and Republicans can agree on?

They should allow guns at the Republican convention



Submitted March 30, 2016 at 10:03PM by gelatoyumyum

Why did the hipster burn his tongue...

He drank it before it was cool.



Submitted March 30, 2016 at 10:05PM by LeoBattlerOfSins_X84

How does Harry Potter get down the stairs? By walking.

J.K. Rowling...



Submitted March 30, 2016 at 09:08PM by MaxwellSinclair

Had an esoteric nerd dadjoke today

Driving down the road with my 15 yr old daughter when I blurt out "But how will we know when an AI can pass as human?" Daughter just blinks and asks "What?" I said, "Ooooh, that sign in front of that garage said 'No TURNING', not 'No Turing'!" Crickets.



Submitted March 30, 2016 at 09:06PM by brentfield

What are the bouncers called at a gay bar?

Flamethrowers.



Submitted March 30, 2016 at 03:50PM by Mediumtim

My dad asked me what my favourite element is

I went to answer but he threw a sheet over my head and yelled "mine is the element of surprise", then he proceeded to run away



Submitted March 30, 2016 at 06:46PM by Deathball13

I walk into a bar...

... And the waitress runs up to me and says. Please tell me you know CPR. I said, "LADY! not only that I know the whole alphabet". The whole bar was laughing, all except one guy...



Submitted March 30, 2016 at 02:27PM by derekrison1234

A Cafe had the letters C A F E ad a display within reach.

I rearranged them so they said F A C E. My friend put them back in order, so I said "Hey that's vandalism!"

She said "I fixed it!"

I replied "No, you defaced it!"



Submitted March 30, 2016 at 05:04PM by De-Vox

Did you hear about the house the lesbians built?

It's all tongue in groove not a stud in sight.



Submitted March 30, 2016 at 05:35PM by veloceracing

I've decided to become a professional pupeteer.

I'm still pretty new though so I only have learner's kermit.



Submitted March 30, 2016 at 04:01PM by Drodain

Why can't you give Elsa a balloon?

Because she'd just Let It Go.

As told to me by my 5 year-old daughter



Submitted March 30, 2016 at 03:32PM by Riktrmai

In middle school my history teacher got us

One of our vocab words was "buccaneer" since we were talking about exploration, if I recall correctly. In class our teacher asked "what's a buccaneer?" and naturally we all responded "a pirate". "WRONG!" "A sea dog?" "Also wrong!" "...?" "It is too much to pay for corn"



Submitted March 30, 2016 at 03:31PM by creativeusername3141

The difference between rural, suburban, and urban.

  • If you stand naked on the front porch and the neighbors can't see you, it's rural.
  • If you stand naked on the front porch and the neighbors call the cops, it's suburban.
  • If you stand naked on the front porch and the neighbors ignore you, it's urban.

Credit to someone on /u/jasonreid1976's Facebook.



Submitted March 30, 2016 at 02:50PM by quit_yer_whinin

What do you call a mentally retarded chef?

A slow cooker



Submitted March 30, 2016 at 01:33PM by SupriseGinger

A man forgot his keys but managed to open his car door with just his pants. How?

He was wearing khakis.



Submitted March 30, 2016 at 03:06PM by IaintGotNoHistory

Moving out

Talking to my parents today I said " If you know anyone getting rid of a couch jump on it." Dad replies "I wouldn't jump on it you might ruin the springs."



Submitted March 30, 2016 at 02:45PM by DJDaCar

What do gamer girls stuff down their bras?

D-Pads



Submitted March 30, 2016 at 02:24PM by GoldenAce17

My favorite tree died earlier.

Now I have mourning wood.



Submitted March 30, 2016 at 11:26AM by HotSoup0878

What did Cindarella do when she got to the ball?

Gagged



Submitted March 30, 2016 at 06:36AM by Benseed

I'm Well Known (and Hated) for These Around My School

After a long list of dad jokes in a chat, one of my friends told me to get by a truck. I responded with:

"that would be a semi-solution" and then: "If I am misunderstanding a part of this, please articulate your concerns to my friend lorry, she will clarify"

many people left the chat after this



Submitted March 30, 2016 at 01:19PM by noble_gasses

Why did the turkey cross the road?

To prove he wasn't chicken.



Submitted March 30, 2016 at 11:38AM by jaykirsch

How many Freudian analysts does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One to change it, and the other to hold the penis.

EDIT: LADDER. I MEANT LADDER.



Submitted March 30, 2016 at 11:50AM by Stampeder

Doctor I live longer than 100 years.

Doctor, how can I live longer than 100 years?

Do you smoke? No.

Do you eat too much? No.

Do you go to bed late? No.

Do you have affairs with promiscuous women? No.

Then why would you want to live more than 100 years.



Submitted March 30, 2016 at 07:45AM by ranaahmad121

What's black and white and black and white and black and white and black and white?

A penguin rolling down a hill...

What's black and white and laughing?

The penguin that pushed him.



Submitted March 30, 2016 at 11:13AM by ahbickel

My lesbian neighbours asked me what I wanted for my birthday. They gave me a Rolex...

...I think they misunderstood when I said I wanna watch.



Submitted March 30, 2016 at 09:32AM by Rockettech5

A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a huge failure. In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant. In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant. In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant. In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant. In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant. In South America they didn't know what "please" meant. And in the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.



Submitted March 30, 2016 at 08:42AM by Fit-for_Life

We had to read Mein Kampf for history class

Me to my friend: I wonder if any Jewish kids found it unkampfortable to read?

It took her a few seconds before she groaned like hell.



Submitted March 30, 2016 at 10:39AM by downsouthcountry

I'm not cut out to be a lawyer

My shirt size is a medium but all the attorneys I know are at large.



Submitted March 30, 2016 at 10:22AM by marrone12

Eating pizza with family and friends...

When all of a sudden my 3 year old drops her toy mermaid on the table right into a side cup of marinara. I took advantage of the situation.

"I didn't know she was an Italian mermaid"

Groans were had amongst all.



Submitted March 30, 2016 at 07:21AM by NavySasquatch

What do you call a Lion that tells the truth?

A lioff



Submitted March 30, 2016 at 08:58AM by throwaway555555543

One of my favorite dad things to do is to call out to my son as he is walking into the school yard.

Hey buddy

Stops and turns... Yeah dad

Nothing buddy

Works on just about everyone.



Submitted March 30, 2016 at 04:47AM by joeynana

Why are rabbits so good at brewing?

Because beer is made with hops.



Submitted March 30, 2016 at 04:19AM by leMottmatt

A woman who lives on the top floor of her apartment building is out on her balcony when she slips and falls...

...Screaming, she is caught a floor down by a man standing on his own balcony. "Will you suck my dick?" the man asks. "No!" she yells horrified. The man drops her. Screaming, she is caught the next floor down by another man standing on his balcony. "Can I fuck you in the ass?" the man asks."No!" she yells again out of reflex, absolutely horrified. The man drops her. Falling and screaming, she is caught again by a third man on the balcony below. Terrified of being dropped again she frantically screams, "I'll suck your dick! You can fuck me in the ass!" The man looks at her and says, "Slut." and drops her.



Submitted March 29, 2016 at 09:58PM by SY81

Tuesday, March 29, 2016

A man gives his wife a glass of water and two aspirin

His wife says, "What are these for? I don't have a headache."

The man replies, "Great! Let's f***!"



Submitted March 29, 2016 at 08:11PM by WildcatEmperor

American Soldier

An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines. He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London. The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat.

The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog. The war weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?"

The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my Little Fifi is using that seat?"

The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog.

Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired."

The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!"

The soldier didn't say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat.

The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier.

An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road.

"And now, Sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window."



Submitted March 29, 2016 at 09:30PM by rbk4life

A photon checks into a motel

the clerk says, "Do you have any luggage? If so, I can have the bell hop take it to your room."

The photon replies, "No, I am traveling light!"



Submitted March 29, 2016 at 07:30PM by Korleonis

Joke about China

[censored]



Submitted March 29, 2016 at 08:43PM by BlindMan0909

I embarrassed myself with this one today

Talking to a coworker from Minnesota, while we currently live on the east coast:

"So how was your easter? Or do you guys celebrate midwester out there?"

No laughs, just silence. I think I did well.



Submitted March 29, 2016 at 11:27PM by mrjanuary

The other day i walked in on my grandmother sucking my grandfather's dick.

I just find it weird why it wasn't cremated with the rest of him.



Submitted March 29, 2016 at 10:40PM by Zaseishinrui

Why I fired my secretary...

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning. I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, "Happy Birthday!", and possibly have a small present for me. As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone "Happy Birthday."

I thought... Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids... They will remember.

My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, "Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday!" It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered. I worked until one o'clock, when Jane knocked on my door and said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me."

I said, "Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!"

We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go.

She chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two Martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office, Jane said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day... We don't need to go straight back to the office, do we?"

I responded, "I guess not. What do you have in mind?" She said, "Let's drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner."

After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back."

"Okay," I nervously replied. She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake.

Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing "Happy birthday". And I just sat there...

On the couch...

Sobbing...

Naked...

and erect.



Submitted March 29, 2016 at 07:50PM by PercMastaFTW

A father put his 3 year old daughter to bed

A Father put his 3 year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying, "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa."

The father asked, 'Why did you say good-bye Grandpa?'

The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."

The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence.

A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this, "God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and good-bye Grandma."

The next day the grandmother died.

"Holy crap" thought the father, "this kid is in contact with the other side."

Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say, "God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy."

He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office.

He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock.. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived; he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.

When he got home his wife said, "I've never seen you work so late. What's the matter?"

He said, "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."

She said, "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning my boss died in the middle of a meeting.."



Submitted March 29, 2016 at 11:48AM by tirmanadir

Damn it, my son got me.

We were talking about roots and word origins, when he asked me about plurals. I had used octopus as an example and explained the plural is octopuses because it has Greek roots and cactus was cacti or cactus because it had both Latin and Greek roots.

He looks me square in the eyes and says "I thought it had Cactus roots?" I'm so proud.



Submitted March 29, 2016 at 10:06PM by Spodyspaz

We got a new guy at work

His name is Steven. We already had a Steven. The other day they both walked in together. I ask

"Which one of you guys is taller?"

"He is."

"Oh, so you aren't Even Stevens."



Submitted March 29, 2016 at 09:29PM by shadow321337

I was at a burlesque show and one of the performers had a wardrobe malfunction..

I leaned over to my wife and whispered "of corset didn't work"

she rolled her eyes so hard her retinas detached and she missed the rest of the performance.



Submitted March 29, 2016 at 09:35PM by zombie_riot

You know when you see a picture of a fish, there's always another fish right next to it?

It's there for scale.



Submitted March 29, 2016 at 07:54PM by SinkSaunders

I don't really have a favorite vacuum cleaner brand

I think they all suck



Submitted March 29, 2016 at 08:21PM by chesh05

2 friends who work as Janitors at a Target meet up after hours

They talked for a few hours while cleaning the store, and find a few isles that are way beyond "dirty". They decided to have a match. Whoever finishes their half of the area is deemed best janitor. Before they started, one of them scoffs and says, "I'ma wipe the floor with you"



Submitted March 29, 2016 at 06:03PM by DeRp_Meister

Did you hear Bob Barker died?

He got hit by a BRAND NEW CAR!!!



Submitted March 29, 2016 at 05:36PM by asstasticbum

Monkey Business

A zookeeper notices the lonely female gorilla is feeling depressed and needs to cheer her up again. He asks the redneck janitor of the zoo if he'll have sex with the gorilla for $500. The redneck says that he'll do it under 2 conditions. Ok, says the zookeeper, what are they? I don't want anyone to ever find out. Ok, done! What's your second condition? The redneck says; "I'll need an extra week to come up with the five hundred dollars."



Submitted March 29, 2016 at 02:37PM by wadie31

Mom, Am I adopted?

Son: Mom, Am I adopted?
Mom: Nuh, you think we would have chosen you?



Submitted March 29, 2016 at 02:38PM by Dntosh

Why are donkey riders lazy?

Because they just sit on their asses all day.



Submitted March 29, 2016 at 04:26PM by Colinmacus

I'm campaigning to become a moderator of /r/dadjokes. This is the platform I'm running on.



Submitted March 29, 2016 at 03:51PM by BiiVii

Owner of a wine shop...

...gets a call in the middle of the night.

A slightly panicky voice on the other end asks, "It's kind of an emergency. When does your shop open?" He replies in an exasperated voice, "I just closed half an hour ago. So it won't open till tomorrow morning."

Sometime later the owner is woken up with another call, " How long till you open? My need is urgent.", says the same, but slightly inebriated, voice. The slightly puzzled owner replies, "I told you, it won't open till morning."

A few hours later, "When will your shop open?", shouts a drunk voice. The owner, now at the cusp of righteous wrath, shouts back, "You shit! I told you - in the morning! And you don't sound like you need any wine by the way your night's been going, anyway."

A slightly puzzled, but heavily intoxicated voice replies, "I've plenty of wine. What I need is a way out from your shop."



Submitted March 29, 2016 at 01:39PM by KingintheNight

“Poor Old fool,”...

...thought the well-dressed gentleman as he watched an old man fish in a puddle outside a pub. So he invited the old man inside for a drink. As they sipped their whiskeys, the gentleman thought he’d humor the old man and asked, “So how many have you caught today?”

The old man replied, “You’re the eighth.”



Submitted March 29, 2016 at 10:08AM by musichatesyouall

Tony the Tiger has just endorsed Donald Trump for President.

He wants to make America GRRREAT again!



Submitted March 29, 2016 at 03:28PM by trumpistador

We're putting new shelving up at work.

In our cooler and the cooling unit has a pipe running through the current shelves. So my boss and I are kinda weighing the pros and cons of taking this shelf out. We determined that it wasn't going to be easy but ultimately worth it. She says, "we're going to need a jigsaw to get this thing out of here." And I reply with "hmm, I don't really know how a puzzle is going to help in this situation."



Submitted March 29, 2016 at 03:31PM by o0anon0o

What type of cheese is made backwards?

Edam



Submitted March 29, 2016 at 11:06AM by Setao_Leinad

We were playing a boardgame the other night. My daughter was sitting across the table and said "I always have a hard time reading upside down"

"That's because the blood rushes to your head"



Submitted March 29, 2016 at 02:51PM by hammerwing

What's the difference between acne and a Catholic priest?

Acne usually comes on a boy's face after he turns 12.



Submitted March 29, 2016 at 11:33AM by ChaosThe15th

What's the best way to deliver a lot of Pita?

A flatbread truck.



Submitted March 29, 2016 at 02:35PM by COOLDOE

A man wakes up after a heavy night of drinking to his wife happily cooking breakfast.

Confused, he approaches his daughter for an explanation of last night when he arrived home.

"You kicked in the door when you couldn't get your key in the lock, fell through the table and broke it, and pissed your pants."

"Jesus! So then why the hell is she in such a good mood?"

"When she tried to take your pants off to wash them, you slapped her hand away and said, 'Get your hands off me! I'm married!'"



Submitted March 29, 2016 at 12:12PM by KidCudiPeakedAtMOTM

A teenage girl goes to her dad and asks if she can borrow

his Porsche for the night. Her dad says:"no", but she begs and begs and he comes up with a solution. He says: "Tell you what, you give me a blow job and the car is yours for the night". She is taken aback but finally decides that she will look so cool and her friends will be so envious and agrees. She unzips his pants and puts his cock in her mouth, then immediately stops and starts gagging. "Dad your cock tastes like shit", she says. Then the dad snaps his fingers in realization and says: "That's right, your brother has the car".



Submitted March 29, 2016 at 12:38PM by MrAKG

Isn't Today Tuesday?

Son, I thought that today was Threesday



Submitted March 29, 2016 at 01:23PM by McLovin_EmDawg

Living in California, people always remind me about our drought

I always tell them I'm well aware.



Submitted March 29, 2016 at 01:22PM by thintoast

Fortune cookie

I was eating a fortune cookie today. There was something black on the inside so I asked my friend to take a look at it.

She said: "Well if it kills you, that would be very unfortunate"



Submitted March 29, 2016 at 12:59PM by hjr93

A Russian, a Japanese dude and a guy from Boston were caught by a group of cannibals...

The leader said to them "we are going to eat you and use your skin to make a canoe, but we will give you the choice of killing yourselves in which ever way you want". The Russian made a grunting sound then snapped his neck clean off. The Japanese guy took out his samurai sword and honorably killed himself through 'hara-kiri'. All of a sudden the guy from Boston took a sharp rock and started stabbing himself all over his face and body. The tribe leader gasped and said "what are you doing! That's the longest and most painful way of killing yourself!" "Yeah well fuck you and your canoe!"



Submitted March 29, 2016 at 10:48AM by SS0022

What do you call a jamaican with a painted face who tells bad jokes?

Bomba-clown!



Submitted March 29, 2016 at 12:28PM by ajustyle

Why didn't Silento knock before coming inside?

Because you already know who it's isss!

My little sister told me this joke.



Submitted March 29, 2016 at 11:49AM by tyled

Oh my God -_-

So, growing up in a Catholic homeschooled family, I find this all the more funny.

Every time that I would be in a mood, or groan, saying "oh my god" like a brat, my dad would respond "please, just call me Bill" or "please, just call me dad".



Submitted March 29, 2016 at 10:11AM by jacksonpm23

Chinese Torture

A young man was wandering, lost, in a forest when he came upon a small house. Knocking on the door he was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, gray beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"

"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man."

"OK," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house. Before dinner the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously attracted to the young man as she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal - it didn't hurt his chances that he was the first man she had seen besides her father in years. Remembering the old man's warning he ignored her and went up to bed alone. But during the night he could bear it no longer and snuck into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear and, near dawn, he crept back to his room, exhausted but happy.

He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest. The old man was standing over him "First Chinese torture test: Large rock on chest." "Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought. "If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about." He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so the old man smiled softly, "Second Chinese torture test: Rock tied to left testicle." In a panic he glanced down and saw the line that was already getting close to taut. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder. As he plummeted downward the old man leaned out the window with a large grin, "Third Chinese torture test: Right testicle tied to bedpost."



Submitted March 29, 2016 at 06:26AM by Larry-Man

Got my coworker yesterday.

He was prepping his GRE and I noticed he had a book on word comparisons and grammar, pretty much like those SAT questions in the verbal section. My response after he commented on how reading it has improved his language skills:

"My vocabulary is awful, for lack of a better word."

The resulting groan was glorious.



Submitted March 29, 2016 at 08:17AM by WajorMeasel

So I made a new friend last night...

His name is Parker and he works as a valet.



Submitted March 29, 2016 at 05:54AM by soapboxmumbler

My GI doc said I was gonna need an esophagogastroduodenoscopy here soon.

I don't know how comfortable I am with that, it sure is a mouth full.



Submitted March 29, 2016 at 07:20AM by Welpe

What do you call a balloon animal made out of a condom?

A Trojan horse.



Submitted March 29, 2016 at 05:15AM by thegrinchwhostoleyou

A guy was walking to a bar and on his way he found a girl tied up to the railroad tracks.

He untied her and they had sex. Guy gets to the bar, friends ask why he's so late, tells them about the girl he found and all the different positions they fucked in. Friends give him props and ask if he got head, guy replies "I couldn't find it."



Submitted March 29, 2016 at 02:14AM by gammaplay

Monday, March 28, 2016

Stop sending toys to children in Africa

It's gotta be depressing, getting a Tamagotchi that will outlive you.



Submitted March 28, 2016 at 08:18PM by DatsFuckedUp

Jesus : "You think your lag is bad?"

"It took me three days to respawn."



Submitted March 29, 2016 at 01:59AM by OthelolzNZ

I buy all my guns from a guy named T-Rex.

He's a small arms dealer.



Submitted March 28, 2016 at 10:11PM by RUKiddingMeReddit

Heard this one from youtube

Guy A: "Where is my fucking jacket?"

Guy B: "Over there, next to your regular one"

Video in question: 6:00



Submitted March 28, 2016 at 11:16PM by AceEntrepreneur

A cowboy and an Indian are riding horseback.

The Indian stops his horse, jumps off and puts his ear to the ground.

He looks up at the cowboy and says, "Buffalo come".

The cowboy looks around and then back at the Indian. "How the hell do you know that?"

The Indian replied, "Ear sticky".



Submitted March 28, 2016 at 08:19PM by XeroChance

My buddy just lost his job at a cinema that only shows Pixar films...

He forgot to show Up



Submitted March 28, 2016 at 08:54PM by Jjakeyboyy

There should be a bread for people who go to the gym.

It'll have 100% Swole Wheat.



Submitted March 28, 2016 at 09:41PM by skai762

What's Hillary Clinton's favorite Christmas carol?

Depends, what is yours?



Submitted March 28, 2016 at 07:08PM by noSoRandomGuy

My wife mad a Easter bunny cake yesterday and my 5 year old made a great dad joke.

He ate half of one ear and then the other half. He says, "Sorry mom, it was irresistible."



Submitted March 28, 2016 at 05:49PM by MikeDSNY

Dad I'm Hungry

Me: Dad make me a sandwich DAD: "Poof" you're now a sandwich.



Submitted March 28, 2016 at 07:17PM by 1_dad

The real reason men enjoy blowjobs?

5 minutes of silence.



Submitted March 28, 2016 at 03:55PM by [deleted]

What did Sherlock Holmes say to Watson at the top of the ski run?

I'll get to the bottom of this!



Submitted March 28, 2016 at 03:46PM by wavemotiondan

How do women defy the laws of physics?

The heavier they are, the easier to pick up!



Submitted March 28, 2016 at 03:22PM by RudigherJones

My friend is addicted to felling trees

He says the more he cuts down, the worse it gets



Submitted March 28, 2016 at 03:30PM by DyslexicAlan

You don't need a parachute to go skydiving.

You need a parachute to go skydiving twice.



Submitted March 28, 2016 at 02:54PM by IAmNotOnRedditAtWork

A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation to the local swimming pool.

I gave him a glass of water.



Submitted March 28, 2016 at 02:18PM by belungawhale

Dad for the win last night.

So my family and I are all gathering around the TV watching the Notre Dame & North Carolina basketball game last night, when out of nowhere my dog starts dry humping the air.

It's absolutely hilarious when he does it, and it all never fails to make everyone laugh hysterically. Take in mind that my dog is neutered so he's super horny but, obviously doesn't really no what he's doing since his baby makers were chopped off. Anyways, my brothers trying to get him to come to him and he's just sitting there looking at him with this his devious little dog face.

Angrily, my brother says,

"He's probably so disobedient because you guys had to go and cut off his balls."

Everyone nodded their heads agreeably, except my dad who mumbles,

"Yeah Matt, that must explain why he never comes."



Submitted March 28, 2016 at 03:02PM by Huv

Got my FIL on Easter

I was slightly speeding through a speed trap, yesterday. My FIL said, "Careful, you don't want a speeding ticket on Easter Sunday..."

I responded, "I know... Fee has risen."



Submitted March 28, 2016 at 01:21PM by WiBorg

Just had a Jehovah's Witness come to the door and ask if I had found Jesus yet.

I said no, isn't he under the Jehovah's Witness Protection Program?



Submitted March 28, 2016 at 10:25AM by bbkhiav

What type of animal is endangered by tooth decay?

Molar bears!



Submitted March 28, 2016 at 02:00PM by thegrinchwhostoleyou

Why is a UTI such a bad thing?

Because it means urine trouble



Submitted March 28, 2016 at 10:50AM by BeardedDeath

6.30 is the best time on a clock.

Hands down.



Submitted March 28, 2016 at 01:24PM by akme777

If I got $1 every time somebody called me a racist

black people would rob me



Submitted March 28, 2016 at 10:05AM by Bayasabhad

My Grandfather's Quarter Pounder

Here is an image of my Grandfather's QuarterPounder. He made it probably 20 years ago - the quarter is from 1994. Grandpa said that he saw something that looked like this in a novelty shop somewhere and decided to improve the design a bit.



Submitted March 28, 2016 at 12:37PM by NoNotTheDuo

What rock group has four men that don't sing?

Mount Rushmore



Submitted March 28, 2016 at 11:17AM by TSauer55

Hey guy, you better take your jacket, it's going to be chilly in the morning...

... and spaghetti in the afternoon!

edit: got this one from my dad years ago.



Submitted March 28, 2016 at 11:48AM by Caelanl

Why do cows have hooves?

Because they lack toes.



Submitted March 28, 2016 at 11:51AM by PG67AW

A mugger holds a man at gunpoint and says, "Give me your wallet or you're science!"

The man says, "Don't you mean history?"

The mugger yells, "Don't try to change the subject!"



Submitted March 28, 2016 at 08:42AM by adeebchowdhury

10-love

Me: What time are you going to be home tonight?

Wife: Ten-ish.

Me: Okay. And what sport does Sean Connery like to play at the country club?

Wife: Ugh.



Submitted March 28, 2016 at 11:27AM by rkrismcneely

A man asked his wife "what would you do if i won the lottery?"

She said "take half and leave your ass."
"Good," he replied. I won twelve dollars, here's six, now get out."



Submitted March 27, 2016 at 07:26PM by FyreNinja

What does a time machine need in order to go back to the era of the 3 stooges?

A Nyucks Capacitor



Submitted March 28, 2016 at 09:00AM by Yelik

Asked for a run of the mill party

Not me but still worthy

http://ift.tt/1MMH6Tx



Submitted March 28, 2016 at 09:08AM by quantum_waffles

African Penis Growth Technique.

A couple was watching a documentary about an African tribe. They learned that when

each male member of this particular tribe reaches a certain age, he has a string with a

weight attached to it tied around his penis. After a while the weight stretches the penis until it's 20 inches long.

Later that evening, as the man was getting out of the shower, his wife said, "let's try the African string and weight technique honey". The husband agreed, and they tied a string with a weight to his penis. A few days later the wife asked, "how is our little experiment coming along?" The husband replied "Well, it looks like we're about halfway there". The wife impressed and said, "you mean it's already grown to 10 inches?" "No" the husband replied. "It's turning black".



Submitted March 28, 2016 at 06:39AM by ChickenTitilater

Why did the chicken commit a crime?

Because he was egged on.



Submitted March 28, 2016 at 08:33AM by throwaway555555543

Dad got really shitty about my cousin's special diet

"Christ, she's a peskytarian!"



Submitted March 28, 2016 at 06:29AM by Tomkhagai

I stole a Heartbreakers album when I was younger.

I got arrested for Petty theft



Submitted March 28, 2016 at 04:26AM by One_Nine_Three_Eight

Yeah, I lost to my computer at chess.

But it turned out to be no match for me at kickboxing.



Submitted March 28, 2016 at 01:22AM by HappensInMyCountry

Easter gatherings gave many opportunities, this was the best.

My mother: Does my jacket smell like mothballs to you?

Uncle: I don't know, have you ever smelled mothballs?

Mother: yes they're terrible!

Uncle: really? how did you get them to spread their legs?

Nearly choked on my funeral potatoes.



Submitted March 28, 2016 at 03:06AM by panthermilk

Sunday, March 27, 2016

What do you call a blonde who dyes her hair brunette?

Artificial intelligence



Submitted March 28, 2016 at 12:20AM by agenthl

Jesus says to love others as you love yourself.

So who wants a hand job?



Submitted March 27, 2016 at 11:39PM by Catostomidae

r/The_Donald

That is all



Submitted March 27, 2016 at 10:08PM by GrillinChamp

I was at a party...

I was at a party and wanted a fruity drink. Lucky for me, there was no punchline!



Submitted March 27, 2016 at 10:23PM by DasElectric

I heard someone ask about Cuba

My dad responded with everyone there is Havana good time.



Submitted March 27, 2016 at 09:14PM by Matthalf

I remember when my mother would tuck me in

She really wanted a daughter

(taken from a front page meme)



Submitted March 27, 2016 at 07:11PM by viewerdoer

I made Chinese for Easter dinner

If I had made Japanese it would have been Eastest Dinner.



Submitted March 27, 2016 at 08:42PM by pictorsstudio

What do you call someone who is open with their kids about their sex change?

Transparent



Submitted March 27, 2016 at 05:31PM by BP_Oil_Chill

First one of mine here!(sorry if its a repost)

So I was playing a game today and one of my mates was complaining. He said to me something along the lines of "I just wanna live life freely, but girls make it hard", My response was "Life must be pretty horny if all girls make him hard". That joke seemed to brighten his mood for the day.



Submitted March 27, 2016 at 06:51PM by CrappyPunsForFun

Recently made a trip to Ford's Theatre in Washington D.C....

Made a trip to DC by myself and went to Ford's Theatre as part of the trip. I uploaded a couple picture's I took into an album and made a brief description of each, because I knew my family would be interested in looking. Then my father, who is normally a very silent man who rarely ever smiles (let alone cracks a joke), commented this.

Simple, yet effective.



Submitted March 27, 2016 at 07:26PM by ResRevolution

My new girlfriend just said...

"After an orgasm, I like to kiss and cuddle, then fall asleep in each others arms. What about you?"

I said, "I usually delete my browsing history and throw the tissues away.



Submitted March 27, 2016 at 03:24PM by IrishRoller

Wife was brushing our daughters hair...

Wife: "How did she get all these knots and rats in her hair?"

Me: "Ratty or knot, hair I come!"



Submitted March 27, 2016 at 08:01PM by capomatt

I thought I heard my Dad talking to himself...

"Hey Dad, are you talking to yourself?"

"Well, I thought I was but I guess I wasn't now was I."

... I had a pretty good chuckle



Submitted March 27, 2016 at 08:02PM by _carrots

*Waiter grating cheese* "Just say when..."

...when!



Submitted March 27, 2016 at 07:46PM by u53rn4me

Making tea

My dad and I had just got home from Easter Sunday mass when we decided to have a cup of tea.

Dad: Would you like a cup of tea?

Me: Yes please. Shall I put the kettle on?

Dad: You can try, but it won't fit.



Submitted March 27, 2016 at 07:46PM by GRI23

My only pair of socks are in my car..

.. I wanted to bring them to house but I got cold feet.



Submitted March 27, 2016 at 07:00PM by skaermtroldenhugo

What gave Hitler a heart attack?

Seeing his gas bill



Submitted March 27, 2016 at 04:39PM by vassapimbruno

My girlfriend asked me why I was sitting with the eggs...

I couldn't find my whisk, and if you can't beat them, you might as well join them...



Submitted March 27, 2016 at 04:31PM by ognominable

Got my fiancé at the zoo today

He was looking in a pond for fishes and found one, but the poor guy was all alone! So my fiancé said, "hey little fishy why are you by yourself?" And I said, "well, there's no school on Sundays"

He just stared at me and shook his head :)



Submitted March 27, 2016 at 04:21PM by eforemergency

What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?

You only need one nail to hang a picture! Happy Easter!



Submitted March 27, 2016 at 02:51PM by dickswaggar

An old man on his front porch see two boys walk down the street past his house

Each boy is carrying a roll of duct tape.

"What are you boys doing with that duct tape?" said the man

"Gunna catch us some ducks Mister" said one the kids

"I don't think it works that way but good luck."

The kids walk by a couple of hours later with a duck under each of their arms.

Next week the old man sees the same kids walking down the street with chicken wire.

"What are you doing with that chicken wire" asks the old man

"Catch us some chickens" replied the kids

The old man shakes his head and wishes them luck. But a couple hours later the boys are each holding a chicken!

The following week the old man sees the two boys again, carrying a bundle of pussy willow. So he said "wait for me boys, just need to grab my hat"



Submitted March 27, 2016 at 12:58PM by Wyebank

A joke I heard at mass

A priest is baptizing a man. He dips him 3 times in water and says "Craig, from now on you will be known as Michael. From this day forth you are to shed your sinful ways and that includes no more gambling or alcohol"

The man later that day goes home and heads straight for the fridge. He then grabs a can of coors light and dips it in the sink. As he does it he says "from this day on, you will be known as green tea"



Submitted March 27, 2016 at 02:37PM by drewgarr

Talking with my dad about skiing in college...

While speaking with my dad about time he spent in college.

Me: "So what did you do in college? Sit around and drink beer?"

Dad: "We had a local ski hill that we could use."

Me: "So you skied a lot then?"

Dad: "No, ya see the ski hill faced south and always had the sun shining on it. Mt. Ripley didn't have a lot of snow, believe it or not!"



Submitted March 27, 2016 at 03:02PM by Baseplate23

Why aren't there any Muslims in Star Trek?

Because it's the future



Submitted March 27, 2016 at 12:29PM by SethRollins_

Terrorists make the worst comedians.

They always bomb.



Submitted March 27, 2016 at 12:38PM by bbkhiav

Got my sister with the Guinness cans

Our local grocery store had a four pack of Guinness tall boys with the vintage toucan design on them.

Her: "hey look Guinness toucans" Me: "No, there's four cans"

Took her a second but then she said "i hate you" and walked away



Submitted March 27, 2016 at 10:44AM by kubricks_cube

The Easter flower should be a Rose.

"Why Dad?"

"Cause Jesus a-rose from the dead!"

Tells it every year, reactions have gone from groans to my younger brother throwing himself to the ground.



Submitted March 27, 2016 at 12:04PM by takemetokiawah

Kid: why was the first woman NYC Subway operator such a success?

Dad: well, it's obvious - she was well trained



Submitted March 27, 2016 at 12:09PM by FortyYearOldVirgin

What is Easter?

As told to me by a priest when I was little:

Three bad Catholics die and go to heaven. Saint Peter says to them "To get into heaven, you must pass a quiz first. What is Easter?"

The first Catholic steps up and says, "Easter is the holiday when a big fat man comes down your chimney and hands out presents."

Saint Peter says, "No. That's not right. That's Christmas."

The second Catholic says, "Of course, that's Christmas. Everyone knows Easter is the day when children put on masks and go door to door saying 'trick or treat' and getting candy."

Saint Peter says, "No. You're thinking of Halloween. How have you all not heard of Easter? Do you know what Easter is?" he says, motioning to the third.

The final Catholic says, "I apologize for my friends. I know what Easter is. Easter is when our lord and savior Jesus Christ was crucified under Pontius Pilate for the forgiveness of our sins. He suffered, died, and was buried. They put his body in a tomb and rolled a big stone in front of it. On the third day, the disciples rolled the rock away, and they saw Jesus Christ had risen from the dead in fulfillment of the scriptures..."

"That's an excellent answer!" St. Peter exclaimed.

"...and as he rose from the dead, Christ saw his shadow and we got six more weeks of winter."



Submitted March 27, 2016 at 11:27AM by ppphhhddd

Fried Ice Cream

Sister in law was watching my kids and my wife and I went out for dinner. Sent her a picture of my wife's dessert and the following conversation happened.

Me: Mmmmmmmmm Fried Ice Cream

S-I-L: Ugh haven't had that in forever!

Me: It's green tea ice cream. How long has that been?

SIL: Never tried green tea ice cream. But I love fried ice cream. Well, I use to anyway haha. Nothing tastes the same since I had kids.

Me: Yeah, that's why I never ate my kids. Leaves a foul taste in your mouth forever.



Submitted March 27, 2016 at 11:26AM by YoPhilly

My Dad dropped his phone in a cup of coffee...

After a stunned silence...

"At least it runs Java now."



Submitted March 27, 2016 at 11:50AM by Durangokid97

Timon from Lion King must be a dad

Simba: Hakuna Matata?

Pumba: It's our motto.

Simba: What's a motto?

Timon: Nothing. What's a motto with you?

Gets me every time I see the movie.



Submitted March 27, 2016 at 10:12AM by xohmg

We used to have empires ruled by emporers. We used to have kingdoms ruled by kings.

Now we have countries.



Submitted March 27, 2016 at 10:36AM by Skootchy

What is long, black and dangerous to cut into?

the line at KFC



Submitted March 27, 2016 at 08:39AM by BNF_6454

Easter related dad joke

we did Easter early this year at my moms, so Friday night we were having dinner and my younger brother comes in upset because he was hiding all the eggs for the after dinner egg hunt and he dropped the basket, a lot of the plastic eggs split open and the contents went all over, my mom was consoling him and I heard her talking about it, I pipped up with "sounds like someone had an 'eggcident'" my wife thought it was hilarious



Submitted March 27, 2016 at 08:55AM by Bubbaedc

I was sitting next to this really hot Thai girl on the bus and all I could think to myself was, "Don't get an erection, don't get an erection"...

But she did



Submitted March 27, 2016 at 08:49AM by BNF_6454

What's the difference between blue paint and red paint?

The color.

Yes, this is an anti-joke. Downvote please.



Submitted March 27, 2016 at 08:00AM by DarkBumRekts

How do drugs end up in prison?

They get smuggled in by some asshole.



Submitted March 27, 2016 at 02:30AM by sidewinderucf

Why doesn't Jesus play first-person shooter games?

It takes him 3 days to respawn.



Submitted March 26, 2016 at 11:23PM by NiagaraRises

I asked my wife if she wanted to play video games.

Her: Can't right now. I have to brush the dog. Me: Fur enough.



Submitted March 26, 2016 at 11:09PM by galactigak

Got the girlfriend again (with extra-groan for Easter relevance)

A couple of nights ago my girlfriend and I spotted a white jackrabbit in the field near our house. We noticed one again tonight on our drive home:

Girlfriend: Hey look, it's the Easter bunny.

Me: Huh, pretty sure that's the same jackrabbit from the other night.

Girlfriend: Can't be a jackrabbit, its ears are way too small.

Me: We're clearly just splitting hares here, babe.

It took a second, but she responded with the desired groan and the "you're an idiot" face push-away. Victory.



Submitted March 27, 2016 at 02:42AM by HEHHHHHHHH

Why didn't Barbie get pregnant?

Because Ken came in a different box.



Submitted March 27, 2016 at 02:28AM by Dippingsauce86

how do we know that jews crucified Jesus?

they used one nail for both legs



Submitted March 26, 2016 at 08:30PM by jaleCro

Hoppy Easter everyone

No text found

Submitted March 27, 2016 at 12:12AM by nickyno

Saturday, March 26, 2016

My dad's cat.

A little context first: What's known as an "apartment" in the US is generally referred to as a "flat" in the UK. My dad lives in a flat and has a cat. Without a doubt any time anyone talks to my dad this exchange happens:

Person: Do you like locally?
Dad: I live in the flats near the river. Just me and my cat.
Person: Oh, you have cat?
Dad: Yes. She's called Pancake.
Person: That's nice, but why did you name her Pancake?
Dad: Because she's not a house cat... she's a flat cat.

Despite the fact that he's proudly said this joke dozens, if not hundreds, of times, he still cracks up as he says it like it's the funniest joke ever invented.



Submitted March 26, 2016 at 09:44PM by ManicWolf

Why was the feminist picnic cancelled?

Because nobody made sandwiches.



Submitted March 26, 2016 at 08:59PM by SextiusMaximus

So I farted in an apple store

Everyone got mad so I said too bad you don't have windows



Submitted March 26, 2016 at 07:27PM by That_Male_Nurse

My girlfriend is mad at me

According to her diary, I have "boundary issues".



Submitted March 26, 2016 at 09:08PM by ginandbisquik

What do you do with epileptic lettuce?

You make a seizure salad!



Submitted March 26, 2016 at 09:36PM by lilybeans20101

Why can't you hear a pterodactyl urinate?

Because of the silent P.



Submitted March 26, 2016 at 09:19PM by lilybeans20101

Hear about the time Mohammed's wife called him a pedophile?

Mohammed responded "Pedophile is a pretty big word for a 9 year old!"



Submitted March 26, 2016 at 08:52PM by want2playzombies

Was watching a movie on my phone

There was a dog barking in the movie, and a neighbors dog was barking at the same time. My girlfriend points this out and I turn to her with the biggest "this is my chance grin" and told her that it's just my surround hound system.



Submitted March 26, 2016 at 07:44PM by shaneLeezy

Son got creepy, I turned it around.

Scene; Nighttime a few days back - just before bedtime - allowing my 2yr old son outside to say goodnight to the moon. Because of the time of year it was big, yellow and close to the horizon.

Son: Daddy, the moon is hungry. Me: Nah, it's Full.



Submitted March 26, 2016 at 06:36PM by SketchGoatee