A pick pocket snatches watches.
Submitted March 31, 2016 at 11:37PM by Lord_Scrouncherson
A pick pocket snatches watches.
He wants to make American grate again.
It said, "this is not working. I'm going to my mothers." I opened the door. The light came on. The beer was cold. Just what in the hell did she mean?
It ended when I told her "We've been getting along really well lately".
I've never paid $100 to have a lentil on my face.
They could call it Flexus.
I say, "Why's that?"
He says, "So it doesn't come down."
So in the morning, he calls 911 to come pick up the body.
The 911 operator told him that she would send someone out right away.
"Where do you live?" asked the operator.
He replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive."
The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?
There was a long pause and finally he said, "How 'bout if I drag him over to Oak Street and you pick him up there?"
...& doesn't have cab fare to airport. He hails taxi anyway, explains situation & promises to send fare from home. He offers credit card #'s, drivers license #, his address, etc...
Cabbie: ''If you don't have 15 bucks, get the hell out of my cab loser!'' He ends up walking 5 miles to the airport & barely catches his flight.
A year later he returns to LV & this time wins big. Feeling great, he goes to the front of the casino to get a cab to the airport, & who does he see but the cabbie who refused to give him a ride when down on his luck. He thinks for a moment & hits on a plan. He gets into the first cab in the line: ''How much for a ride to the airport?" ''15 bucks." 'And how much if you give me a bj on the way?'' ''What?! Get the hell out of my cab ya freak.'' He proceeds to go down the long line of cabs, asking the same question, with the same result. When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he asks: ''How much for a ride to the airport?'' ''15 bucks.'' ''OK,'' as he jumps into front seat w/ a big smile & thumbs up for the other cabbies.
"Looks like you've got your work cut out for you!" I said.
"Oh yeah, i'm totally buzzing for it." she replied.
It was not a fruitful endeavor.
Teacher: on this packet of tuna there is a little image of a dolphin. This is showing that it's dolphin friendly, because a lot of times Dolphins will end up getting caught in Tuna fishing nets
Me: I sure hope they aren't doing it on porpoise
I don't know why.
A woman noticed her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach. “Ha! That’s not going to help,” she said.
“Sure, it does,” he said. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”
Dad said mother was the best windbreaker he knew
Credit: my dad- 5mins ago
My parents were visiting me, and my mom's been looking at a new vehicle, specifically a Toyota Rav4. As she's not the most tech-savvy, she got one of the paper brochures from the dealership about the features available.
Being marketing literature for a small SUV, there were plenty of pictures of people running, hiking, and being active. My dad looks at it and goes: "so is this the Toyota for runners?" I immediately said "No, that's probably the Toyota 4runner".
My mom cracked up. My dad just groaned.
One day a beautiful woman arrives in a wet suit.
'When did you last have a smoke?' she asks. 'Five years ago.' So she gets out a cigar and he smokes it.
She unzips her wet suit a bit and says, 'When did you last have a drink?' He said, 'Five years ago.' So she gets out a bottle of Scotch and he has a drink.
Then she unzips her wet suit a bit more and says, 'And when was the last time you played around?' He looks at her in amazement and says: 'You're not telling me you've got a set of golf clubs in there?'
Ronnie Corbett (1930 - 2016)
"No, your generation relies too much on technology", I replied, then I unplugged his life support.
I mean she's only 5 at the moment but going on 15. Next year she'll be 21.
I knocked on her door and said: "Please keep it down!”
I told him, "Oh! So it's already Finnished!"
A brother and sister are having sex
And randomly the sister just starts giggling
The brother asks "what's so damn funny?"
She responds: "you fuck just like dad"
The brother begins to laugh and says: "I know, mom told me"
They should allow guns at the Republican convention
Driving down the road with my 15 yr old daughter when I blurt out "But how will we know when an AI can pass as human?" Daughter just blinks and asks "What?" I said, "Ooooh, that sign in front of that garage said 'No TURNING', not 'No Turing'!" Crickets.
... And the waitress runs up to me and says. Please tell me you know CPR. I said, "LADY! not only that I know the whole alphabet". The whole bar was laughing, all except one guy...
I rearranged them so they said F A C E. My friend put them back in order, so I said "Hey that's vandalism!"
She said "I fixed it!"
I replied "No, you defaced it!"
One of our vocab words was "buccaneer" since we were talking about exploration, if I recall correctly. In class our teacher asked "what's a buccaneer?" and naturally we all responded "a pirate". "WRONG!" "A sea dog?" "Also wrong!" "...?" "It is too much to pay for corn"
Credit to someone on /u/jasonreid1976's Facebook.
He was wearing khakis.
After a long list of dad jokes in a chat, one of my friends told me to get by a truck. I responded with:
"that would be a semi-solution" and then: "If I am misunderstanding a part of this, please articulate your concerns to my friend lorry, she will clarify"
many people left the chat after this
Two. One to change it, and the other to hold the penis.
EDIT: LADDER. I MEANT LADDER.
Doctor, how can I live longer than 100 years?
Do you smoke? No.
Do you eat too much? No.
Do you go to bed late? No.
Do you have affairs with promiscuous women? No.
Then why would you want to live more than 100 years.
A penguin rolling down a hill...
What's black and white and laughing?
The penguin that pushed him.
...I think they misunderstood when I said I wanna watch.
The survey was a huge failure. In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant. In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant. In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant. In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant. In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant. In South America they didn't know what "please" meant. And in the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.
When all of a sudden my 3 year old drops her toy mermaid on the table right into a side cup of marinara. I took advantage of the situation.
"I didn't know she was an Italian mermaid"
Groans were had amongst all.
Stops and turns... Yeah dad
Works on just about everyone.
...Screaming, she is caught a floor down by a man standing on his own balcony. "Will you suck my dick?" the man asks. "No!" she yells horrified. The man drops her. Screaming, she is caught the next floor down by another man standing on his balcony. "Can I fuck you in the ass?" the man asks."No!" she yells again out of reflex, absolutely horrified. The man drops her. Falling and screaming, she is caught again by a third man on the balcony below. Terrified of being dropped again she frantically screams, "I'll suck your dick! You can fuck me in the ass!" The man looks at her and says, "Slut." and drops her.
His wife says, "What are these for? I don't have a headache."
The man replies, "Great! Let's f***!"
An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines. He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London. The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat.
The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog. The war weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?"
The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my Little Fifi is using that seat?"
The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog.
Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired."
The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!"
The soldier didn't say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat.
The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier.
An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road.
"And now, Sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window."
Talking to a coworker from Minnesota, while we currently live on the east coast:
"So how was your easter? Or do you guys celebrate midwester out there?"
No laughs, just silence. I think I did well.
I just find it weird why it wasn't cremated with the rest of him.
Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning. I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, "Happy Birthday!", and possibly have a small present for me. As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone "Happy Birthday."
I thought... Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids... They will remember.
My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.
As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, "Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday!" It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered. I worked until one o'clock, when Jane knocked on my door and said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me."
I said, "Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!"
We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go.
She chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two Martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.
On the way back to the office, Jane said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day... We don't need to go straight back to the office, do we?"
I responded, "I guess not. What do you have in mind?" She said, "Let's drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner."
After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back."
"Okay," I nervously replied. She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake.
Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing "Happy birthday". And I just sat there...
On the couch...
A Father put his 3 year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying, "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa."
The father asked, 'Why did you say good-bye Grandpa?'
The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."
The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence.
A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this, "God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and good-bye Grandma."
The next day the grandmother died.
"Holy crap" thought the father, "this kid is in contact with the other side."
Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say, "God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy."
He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office.
He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock.. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived; he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.
When he got home his wife said, "I've never seen you work so late. What's the matter?"
He said, "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."
She said, "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning my boss died in the middle of a meeting.."
We were talking about roots and word origins, when he asked me about plurals. I had used octopus as an example and explained the plural is octopuses because it has Greek roots and cactus was cacti or cactus because it had both Latin and Greek roots.
He looks me square in the eyes and says "I thought it had Cactus roots?" I'm so proud.
His name is Steven. We already had a Steven. The other day they both walked in together. I ask
"Which one of you guys is taller?"
"Oh, so you aren't Even Stevens."
I leaned over to my wife and whispered "of corset didn't work"
she rolled her eyes so hard her retinas detached and she missed the rest of the performance.
It's there for scale.
I think they all suck
They talked for a few hours while cleaning the store, and find a few isles that are way beyond "dirty". They decided to have a match. Whoever finishes their half of the area is deemed best janitor. Before they started, one of them scoffs and says, "I'ma wipe the floor with you"
A zookeeper notices the lonely female gorilla is feeling depressed and needs to cheer her up again. He asks the redneck janitor of the zoo if he'll have sex with the gorilla for $500. The redneck says that he'll do it under 2 conditions. Ok, says the zookeeper, what are they? I don't want anyone to ever find out. Ok, done! What's your second condition? The redneck says; "I'll need an extra week to come up with the five hundred dollars."
...gets a call in the middle of the night.
A slightly panicky voice on the other end asks, "It's kind of an emergency. When does your shop open?" He replies in an exasperated voice, "I just closed half an hour ago. So it won't open till tomorrow morning."
Sometime later the owner is woken up with another call, " How long till you open? My need is urgent.", says the same, but slightly inebriated, voice. The slightly puzzled owner replies, "I told you, it won't open till morning."
A few hours later, "When will your shop open?", shouts a drunk voice. The owner, now at the cusp of righteous wrath, shouts back, "You shit! I told you - in the morning! And you don't sound like you need any wine by the way your night's been going, anyway."
A slightly puzzled, but heavily intoxicated voice replies, "I've plenty of wine. What I need is a way out from your shop."
...thought the well-dressed gentleman as he watched an old man fish in a puddle outside a pub. So he invited the old man inside for a drink. As they sipped their whiskeys, the gentleman thought he’d humor the old man and asked, “So how many have you caught today?”
The old man replied, “You’re the eighth.”
He wants to make America GRRREAT again!
In our cooler and the cooling unit has a pipe running through the current shelves. So my boss and I are kinda weighing the pros and cons of taking this shelf out. We determined that it wasn't going to be easy but ultimately worth it. She says, "we're going to need a jigsaw to get this thing out of here." And I reply with "hmm, I don't really know how a puzzle is going to help in this situation."
"That's because the blood rushes to your head"
Acne usually comes on a boy's face after he turns 12.
Confused, he approaches his daughter for an explanation of last night when he arrived home.
"You kicked in the door when you couldn't get your key in the lock, fell through the table and broke it, and pissed your pants."
"Jesus! So then why the hell is she in such a good mood?"
"When she tried to take your pants off to wash them, you slapped her hand away and said, 'Get your hands off me! I'm married!'"
his Porsche for the night. Her dad says:"no", but she begs and begs and he comes up with a solution. He says: "Tell you what, you give me a blow job and the car is yours for the night". She is taken aback but finally decides that she will look so cool and her friends will be so envious and agrees. She unzips his pants and puts his cock in her mouth, then immediately stops and starts gagging. "Dad your cock tastes like shit", she says. Then the dad snaps his fingers in realization and says: "That's right, your brother has the car".
I always tell them I'm well aware.
I was eating a fortune cookie today. There was something black on the inside so I asked my friend to take a look at it.
She said: "Well if it kills you, that would be very unfortunate"
The leader said to them "we are going to eat you and use your skin to make a canoe, but we will give you the choice of killing yourselves in which ever way you want". The Russian made a grunting sound then snapped his neck clean off. The Japanese guy took out his samurai sword and honorably killed himself through 'hara-kiri'. All of a sudden the guy from Boston took a sharp rock and started stabbing himself all over his face and body. The tribe leader gasped and said "what are you doing! That's the longest and most painful way of killing yourself!" "Yeah well fuck you and your canoe!"
So, growing up in a Catholic homeschooled family, I find this all the more funny.
Every time that I would be in a mood, or groan, saying "oh my god" like a brat, my dad would respond "please, just call me Bill" or "please, just call me dad".
A young man was wandering, lost, in a forest when he came upon a small house. Knocking on the door he was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, gray beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"
"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man."
"OK," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house. Before dinner the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously attracted to the young man as she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal - it didn't hurt his chances that he was the first man she had seen besides her father in years. Remembering the old man's warning he ignored her and went up to bed alone. But during the night he could bear it no longer and snuck into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear and, near dawn, he crept back to his room, exhausted but happy.
He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest. The old man was standing over him "First Chinese torture test: Large rock on chest." "Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought. "If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about." He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so the old man smiled softly, "Second Chinese torture test: Rock tied to left testicle." In a panic he glanced down and saw the line that was already getting close to taut. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder. As he plummeted downward the old man leaned out the window with a large grin, "Third Chinese torture test: Right testicle tied to bedpost."
He was prepping his GRE and I noticed he had a book on word comparisons and grammar, pretty much like those SAT questions in the verbal section. My response after he commented on how reading it has improved his language skills:
"My vocabulary is awful, for lack of a better word."
The resulting groan was glorious.
I don't know how comfortable I am with that, it sure is a mouth full.
A Trojan horse.
He untied her and they had sex. Guy gets to the bar, friends ask why he's so late, tells them about the girl he found and all the different positions they fucked in. Friends give him props and ask if he got head, guy replies "I couldn't find it."
The Indian stops his horse, jumps off and puts his ear to the ground.
He looks up at the cowboy and says, "Buffalo come".
The cowboy looks around and then back at the Indian. "How the hell do you know that?"
The Indian replied, "Ear sticky".
He forgot to show Up
It'll have 100% Swole Wheat.
Depends, what is yours?
He ate half of one ear and then the other half. He says, "Sorry mom, it was irresistible."
I'll get to the bottom of this!
I gave him a glass of water.
So my family and I are all gathering around the TV watching the Notre Dame & North Carolina basketball game last night, when out of nowhere my dog starts dry humping the air.
It's absolutely hilarious when he does it, and it all never fails to make everyone laugh hysterically. Take in mind that my dog is neutered so he's super horny but, obviously doesn't really no what he's doing since his baby makers were chopped off. Anyways, my brothers trying to get him to come to him and he's just sitting there looking at him with this his devious little dog face.
Angrily, my brother says,
"He's probably so disobedient because you guys had to go and cut off his balls."
Everyone nodded their heads agreeably, except my dad who mumbles,
"Yeah Matt, that must explain why he never comes."
I said no, isn't he under the Jehovah's Witness Protection Program?
black people would rob me
Here is an image of my Grandfather's QuarterPounder. He made it probably 20 years ago - the quarter is from 1994. Grandpa said that he saw something that looked like this in a novelty shop somewhere and decided to improve the design a bit.
... and spaghetti in the afternoon!
edit: got this one from my dad years ago.
The man says, "Don't you mean history?"
The mugger yells, "Don't try to change the subject!"
She said "take half and leave your ass."
"Good," he replied. I won twelve dollars, here's six, now get out."
A Nyucks Capacitor
A couple was watching a documentary about an African tribe. They learned that when
each male member of this particular tribe reaches a certain age, he has a string with a
weight attached to it tied around his penis. After a while the weight stretches the penis until it's 20 inches long.
Later that evening, as the man was getting out of the shower, his wife said, "let's try the African string and weight technique honey". The husband agreed, and they tied a string with a weight to his penis. A few days later the wife asked, "how is our little experiment coming along?" The husband replied "Well, it looks like we're about halfway there". The wife impressed and said, "you mean it's already grown to 10 inches?" "No" the husband replied. "It's turning black".
"Christ, she's a peskytarian!"
My mother: Does my jacket smell like mothballs to you?
Uncle: I don't know, have you ever smelled mothballs?
Mother: yes they're terrible!
Uncle: really? how did you get them to spread their legs?
Nearly choked on my funeral potatoes.
So I was playing a game today and one of my mates was complaining. He said to me something along the lines of "I just wanna live life freely, but girls make it hard", My response was "Life must be pretty horny if all girls make him hard". That joke seemed to brighten his mood for the day.
Made a trip to DC by myself and went to Ford's Theatre as part of the trip. I uploaded a couple picture's I took into an album and made a brief description of each, because I knew my family would be interested in looking. Then my father, who is normally a very silent man who rarely ever smiles (let alone cracks a joke), commented this.
Simple, yet effective.
"After an orgasm, I like to kiss and cuddle, then fall asleep in each others arms. What about you?"
I said, "I usually delete my browsing history and throw the tissues away.
My dad and I had just got home from Easter Sunday mass when we decided to have a cup of tea.
Dad: Would you like a cup of tea?
Me: Yes please. Shall I put the kettle on?
Dad: You can try, but it won't fit.
I couldn't find my whisk, and if you can't beat them, you might as well join them...
He was looking in a pond for fishes and found one, but the poor guy was all alone! So my fiancé said, "hey little fishy why are you by yourself?" And I said, "well, there's no school on Sundays"
He just stared at me and shook his head :)
You only need one nail to hang a picture! Happy Easter!
Each boy is carrying a roll of duct tape.
"What are you boys doing with that duct tape?" said the man
"Gunna catch us some ducks Mister" said one the kids
"I don't think it works that way but good luck."
The kids walk by a couple of hours later with a duck under each of their arms.
Next week the old man sees the same kids walking down the street with chicken wire.
"What are you doing with that chicken wire" asks the old man
"Catch us some chickens" replied the kids
The old man shakes his head and wishes them luck. But a couple hours later the boys are each holding a chicken!
The following week the old man sees the two boys again, carrying a bundle of pussy willow. So he said "wait for me boys, just need to grab my hat"
A priest is baptizing a man. He dips him 3 times in water and says "Craig, from now on you will be known as Michael. From this day forth you are to shed your sinful ways and that includes no more gambling or alcohol"
The man later that day goes home and heads straight for the fridge. He then grabs a can of coors light and dips it in the sink. As he does it he says "from this day on, you will be known as green tea"
While speaking with my dad about time he spent in college.
Me: "So what did you do in college? Sit around and drink beer?"
Dad: "We had a local ski hill that we could use."
Me: "So you skied a lot then?"
Dad: "No, ya see the ski hill faced south and always had the sun shining on it. Mt. Ripley didn't have a lot of snow, believe it or not!"
Our local grocery store had a four pack of Guinness tall boys with the vintage toucan design on them.
Her: "hey look Guinness toucans" Me: "No, there's four cans"
Took her a second but then she said "i hate you" and walked away
Dad: well, it's obvious - she was well trained
As told to me by a priest when I was little:
Three bad Catholics die and go to heaven. Saint Peter says to them "To get into heaven, you must pass a quiz first. What is Easter?"
The first Catholic steps up and says, "Easter is the holiday when a big fat man comes down your chimney and hands out presents."
Saint Peter says, "No. That's not right. That's Christmas."
The second Catholic says, "Of course, that's Christmas. Everyone knows Easter is the day when children put on masks and go door to door saying 'trick or treat' and getting candy."
Saint Peter says, "No. You're thinking of Halloween. How have you all not heard of Easter? Do you know what Easter is?" he says, motioning to the third.
The final Catholic says, "I apologize for my friends. I know what Easter is. Easter is when our lord and savior Jesus Christ was crucified under Pontius Pilate for the forgiveness of our sins. He suffered, died, and was buried. They put his body in a tomb and rolled a big stone in front of it. On the third day, the disciples rolled the rock away, and they saw Jesus Christ had risen from the dead in fulfillment of the scriptures..."
"That's an excellent answer!" St. Peter exclaimed.
"...and as he rose from the dead, Christ saw his shadow and we got six more weeks of winter."
Sister in law was watching my kids and my wife and I went out for dinner. Sent her a picture of my wife's dessert and the following conversation happened.
Me: Mmmmmmmmm Fried Ice Cream
S-I-L: Ugh haven't had that in forever!
Me: It's green tea ice cream. How long has that been?
SIL: Never tried green tea ice cream. But I love fried ice cream. Well, I use to anyway haha. Nothing tastes the same since I had kids.
Me: Yeah, that's why I never ate my kids. Leaves a foul taste in your mouth forever.
Now we have countries.
we did Easter early this year at my moms, so Friday night we were having dinner and my younger brother comes in upset because he was hiding all the eggs for the after dinner egg hunt and he dropped the basket, a lot of the plastic eggs split open and the contents went all over, my mom was consoling him and I heard her talking about it, I pipped up with "sounds like someone had an 'eggcident'" my wife thought it was hilarious
But she did
Yes, this is an anti-joke. Downvote please.
It takes him 3 days to respawn.
Her: Can't right now. I have to brush the dog. Me: Fur enough.
A couple of nights ago my girlfriend and I spotted a white jackrabbit in the field near our house. We noticed one again tonight on our drive home:
Girlfriend: Hey look, it's the Easter bunny.
Me: Huh, pretty sure that's the same jackrabbit from the other night.
Girlfriend: Can't be a jackrabbit, its ears are way too small.
Me: We're clearly just splitting hares here, babe.
It took a second, but she responded with the desired groan and the "you're an idiot" face push-away. Victory.
A little context first: What's known as an "apartment" in the US is generally referred to as a "flat" in the UK. My dad lives in a flat and has a cat. Without a doubt any time anyone talks to my dad this exchange happens:
Person: Do you like locally?
Dad: I live in the flats near the river. Just me and my cat.
Person: Oh, you have cat?
Dad: Yes. She's called Pancake.
Person: That's nice, but why did you name her Pancake?
Dad: Because she's not a house cat... she's a flat cat.
Despite the fact that he's proudly said this joke dozens, if not hundreds, of times, he still cracks up as he says it like it's the funniest joke ever invented.
Mohammed responded "Pedophile is a pretty big word for a 9 year old!"
There was a dog barking in the movie, and a neighbors dog was barking at the same time. My girlfriend points this out and I turn to her with the biggest "this is my chance grin" and told her that it's just my surround hound system.
Scene; Nighttime a few days back - just before bedtime - allowing my 2yr old son outside to say goodnight to the moon. Because of the time of year it was big, yellow and close to the horizon.
Son: Daddy, the moon is hungry. Me: Nah, it's Full.