Monday, February 29, 2016

I went to the pub last night and saw a FAT chick dancing

on a table. I said, "Good legs."

The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so."

I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."



Submitted February 29, 2016 at 10:52PM by polarlink

Got my wife while discussing our upcoming move.

Me: "With my luck, I'll end up celebrating my birthday in some run down motel in Idaho." (Idaho is not where we're moving)

Her: "Why Idaho?"

Me: "I dunno, why are you da ho?"



Submitted March 01, 2016 at 01:29AM by Kaarous

How do you make a Kleenex dance?

Blow a little boogie in it!



Submitted March 01, 2016 at 12:34AM by Lizziblaize

Do Monsters have a social life?

Sure. They boogie all night long.



Submitted February 29, 2016 at 11:58PM by shoenake

She saw an otter.

Driving down a remote country road...

Wife: Hey, there is an otter over there!! (pointing out her window)

Me: Well I otter [ought to] go back and take a look!

Followed by a mixture of groans, facepalms, and slow clap from kids and wife.



Submitted February 29, 2016 at 07:51PM by drewjy

All Trump has to say to beat Hillary in the debates

"I know Hillary can be bought. I have the receipts."



Submitted February 29, 2016 at 10:28PM by thebossee

I haven't talked to my wife for 18 months

I don't like to interrupt her.



Submitted February 29, 2016 at 09:04PM by weldo8

A dog went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote: "Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof."

The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog, "There are only nine words here. You could send another 'Woof' for the same price." The dog replied, "but that would make no sense at all!"



Submitted February 29, 2016 at 03:12PM by Skintownlad

Why there should be a February 30th

So dentists can have a day to celebrate



Submitted February 29, 2016 at 09:51PM by JacksShoes

I hate those stupid Russian dolls.

They're so full of themselves!



Submitted February 29, 2016 at 05:30PM by jaykirsch

My Spanish professor got the entire class today.

She was talking about how the words for animal sounds are different in Spanish (roosters go kikikuriki, etc.) and a student asked of the animals sound different in Mexico and without missing a beat the professor just replied: "Yeah! They speak Spanish!"



Submitted February 29, 2016 at 07:22PM by nastynate66

What do you call a Communist sniper?

A Marxman.



Submitted February 29, 2016 at 07:19PM by Youown

I was invited to play in a Canadian hockey tournament.

The competition looks good. I guess I'll have to bring my eh game.



Submitted February 29, 2016 at 04:36PM by Voroshilav

Why can't Catholics travel at light speed?

Because they have mass.



Submitted February 29, 2016 at 05:33PM by PM_ME_YOUR_PM_PHOTOS

What computer says "hello"

A Dell



Submitted February 29, 2016 at 02:10PM by calvicstaff

What do you call the rabbit next in line to the crown?

The hare-apparent



Submitted February 29, 2016 at 03:54PM by RogerOnTesting

3 degrees below zero.

Zero Ph.D. M.D. B.Sc.



Submitted February 29, 2016 at 02:12PM by scarycloud

Bill Clinton was walking along the beach when he stumbledupon a Genie's lamp.

He picked it up and rubbed it and lo-and-behold, a Genie appeared. Bill was amazed and asked if he got three wishes.

The Genie said, "Nope...Due to inflation, constant downswing, low wages in third world countries, and fierce global competition, I can only grant you one wish. So...What'll it be?"

Bill didn't hesitate. He said, "I want to bring peace to the Middle East, See this map?" Bill pulls out a sweat covered map. "These people have been at war for thousands of years. I want these countries to stop fighting with each other."

The Genie looked at the map of the Middle East and exclaimed, "I'm good, but not THAT good. I don't think it can be done. Make another wish."

Bill thought for a minute and said, "You know, people really don't like my wife. They call her a carpetbagger. They think she's mean, ugly, and pushes me around. I wish for her to be the most beautiful woman in the world and I want everybody to like her and for her to be elected President of the United States of America. That's what I want."

The Genie let out a long sigh and said, "Lemme see that map again."



Submitted February 29, 2016 at 01:07PM by Nerozero

my penis was in the guinness world records book

then the librarian told me to take it out



Submitted February 29, 2016 at 11:03AM by EKstrs

Sprung this one on the Mrs yesterday

Daughter crying while I check her for the usual suspects (hungry, tired, dirty diaper) Wife: Did Layla poop? Me: No, just pee. Wife: Well would you like to sit in your own piss? Me: Depends.



Submitted February 29, 2016 at 01:37PM by Jim-Dread

I got pulled over by a cop

He came to the window and told me I was swerving. He then announced that I was drunk, and proceeded to give me a breathalyzer. I told him: "I can't I have dyspnea" (Trouble Breathing) He then told me to take a urine test. I told him: "I cant, I have a failing liver" He then continues to ask that I take a blood test. I tell him: "I can't I'm a Hemophiliac" (Trouble clotting blood) Lastly he says that I attempt to walk in a straight line. I then tell him: "I cant, I'm fucking drunk"



Submitted February 29, 2016 at 11:29AM by Karrrot_Juice

Was was the cashier fired?

She kept changing in front of customers.



Submitted February 29, 2016 at 12:11PM by 5isoutofthequestion

John Cena wakes up from coma

Cena: Where am I?
Nurse: I C U
Cena: No you don't



Submitted February 29, 2016 at 09:39AM by GosuGian

A prisoner escaped..

And snuck inside a house nearby.

The prisoner found a young couple in bed and held them hostage, the woman was tied in a chair and the man was tied on the bed post.

The prisoner walked up to the woman and kissed her in the neck afterwards he went to the bathroom.

The man said to the woman "that guy is an escapee from the prison nearby, he's been in prison for such a long time that he's so thirsty for sex. I can tell it from the way he kissed your neck. No matter what happens let him do whatever he wants or else he will kill us! Be strong honey, i love you!"

Then the woman replied..

"He didn't kiss me honey, he whispered to me that he thinks you're cute and asked me if we have some lubricant. I told him that we have some in the bathroom. Be strong honey, i love you!"



Submitted February 29, 2016 at 07:14AM by Sidissid

Verbal diarrhoea is...

having a problem with the regularity of your vowels.



Submitted February 29, 2016 at 09:58AM by setsomethingablaze

Maternity ward nurse asked my wife if she needed to go to the bathroom.

She says, "yeah, I could stand to pee."

I said, "No, you should probably still sit so it doesn't get everywhere."

My first, "official dad" dad joke. How'd I do?



Submitted February 29, 2016 at 10:07AM by justablur

A mummy calls a restauraunt.

  • Hello, I'd like to reserve a table for the pharaoh Sakhrakhotep I.
  • Could you spell it out, please?
  • Of course. Bird, two triangles, wavy line, the sun, bird again, jackal's head and a scarab.


Submitted February 29, 2016 at 07:21AM by thefran

My step-father just became an underwater search and rescue officer, posted this on Facebook:



Submitted February 29, 2016 at 09:05AM by rrranderson19

I like my women how I like my milk...

Rich, white, and 2% fat



Submitted February 29, 2016 at 01:27AM by X-cessiveKillah

Boxed In

There was a young girl from Peru

Who filled her vagina with glue.

She said with a grin,

“If they pay to get in,

They’ll pay to get out of it, too.”



Submitted February 29, 2016 at 06:56AM by RainforestRabbit

Leap day dadjoke

I'm out of bed earler than usual. Wife comes in and we discuss why. She walks away to get ready for work

me "are you gonna make me breakfast?"

Pfffft. It's leap day, not jump-to-conclusions day.

Anyone else got any once-every-four-years dad jokes? I just wanna wear em out tonight after everyone gets home.



Submitted February 29, 2016 at 08:23AM by monsto

TIFU by letting my dog give birth to a litter of puppies

I have no clue when their next birthday will be...



Submitted February 29, 2016 at 08:07AM by The_Brodhisattva

http://ift.tt/1ReJ7cq

No text found

Submitted February 29, 2016 at 05:15AM by dumpsterdonuts

About two months ago, I developed an umbilical hernia and my belly button was removed...

Now I'll never live out my dream of attending the US Navel Academy.



Submitted February 29, 2016 at 05:03AM by oss10

FIL May just be my new favourite person

Doing a crossword yesterday with FIL, MIL & GIL. Father in law says "Hey did you know I completed The Times crossword the other day apart from one clue" (For those of you who don't know The Times crossword is like one of the hardest crosswords)
MIL: "Go on then tell me the clue, I bet I'll work it out"
FIL: "Ok, the clue was "Heavily laden postman"
MIL: "How many letters?"
FIL: "Hundreds and Hundreds I would imagine"

Dead



Submitted February 29, 2016 at 04:16AM by Megpuss

Sunday, February 28, 2016

I was at the doctors office the other day...

So I was at the doctor's office and he decided to prescribe a drug for an illness. But when he reached into his pocket to grab a pen so he could write the prescription, he instead pulled out a thermometer. He looked at it, then turned to me and said "Great, some asshole's got my pen."



Submitted February 29, 2016 at 01:04AM by AssEffect3

How do you count cows?

With a cowculater.

Ohgod. Thanks dad.



Submitted February 29, 2016 at 01:47AM by LivingDeadGuuurl

I want a divorce

A judge was interviewing a South Carolina woman regarding her pending divorce and asks, "What are the grounds for your divorce?" "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by." "No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?" "It is made of concrete, brick, and mortar," she responded. "I mean," he continued, "what are your relations like?" "I have an aunt and uncle and 12 cousins living here in town, as well as my husband's parents." The judge took a deep breath and asked, "Do you have a real grudge?" "No,we have a two-car carport and have never really needed one cuz we don't have a car." "Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?" "Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music - all that hip hop and rap tap - but we can't seem to do anything about it." "Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?" "Yes, he gets up every morning before I do and makes the coffee." The judge asked, "Is your husband a nagger?" "Oh, hell no, he's as white as you and me!" Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why in hell do you want a divorce? "Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce, my husband does. The damn fool says he can't communicate with me."



Submitted February 28, 2016 at 05:01PM by ykeloy

Dad joked myself tonight (Oscars spoilers)

I'm watching the Oscars tonight, and after seeing Leo's performance, my mom said he had a 40s look to him, and I said "that's probably why he played such a Great Gatsby"



Submitted February 28, 2016 at 11:59PM by Ansakicus

I took my kids to the zoo to see the big cats.

Picture

(You can just tell how my son felt about the joke)



Submitted February 28, 2016 at 10:06PM by ItWasMyWifesIdea

Out to dinner with a couple friends. They laughed a little too hard.

Friend 1: what are collard greens? What do they look like? Are they bitter?

Friend 2: trys to explain.

Friend 1: how do you eat them?

Me: with a fork.

Like I wasn't going to say that?? They still laughed. Harder than they should have.



Submitted February 28, 2016 at 10:24PM by JustTrying2BAwesome

After seeing the winner in the Oscars Best Animated Short category, girlfriend says "I really want to see that Bear Story!"

I said "What are you talking about, we already saw The Revenant."



Submitted February 28, 2016 at 10:29PM by Woonsauce

Lost my watch at a party...

Saw a guy stepping on it while sexually harassing a girl. I walked up to the dude, punched him straight in the nose. No one does that to a girl.

not on my watch.



Submitted February 28, 2016 at 05:31PM by VixDzn

An excited owl tells his brother that he's getting married...

His brother responds, "you twit, twoo?"



Submitted February 28, 2016 at 09:28PM by chrisnthat

How do you walk through walls?

You use a door.



Submitted February 28, 2016 at 09:19PM by iamAshlee

Dad got everyone with this at dinner

We're all eating dinner and my grandmother is over.

Gma: Cbreezy's brother, you look like you got really sunburned recently!

Bro: Yeah, I got it playing football, dad got it pretty bad too.

Dad: No, you got son-burn. I got dad-burn.

Que my overzealous laugh.

Edit: Format. Phones aren't great for posting...



Submitted February 28, 2016 at 08:11PM by Cbreezy517

Got my dad with this one

Dad came by to pick up my niece and nephew who'd stayed overnight, and there was a hockey game on between the Minnesota Wild and Florida Panthers. My dad looked at the TV and says:

Where's Florida?

Southeastern part of the US. Big peninsula. You've probably seen it on a map?

I mean, sure, he was asking for it, but man it felt good to get the master back.



Submitted February 28, 2016 at 06:15PM by FnDork

You know what always irritated me about FedEX?

It really isn't fair that X is the only letter that gets fed. They should feed all of the other letters of the alphabet as well.



Submitted February 28, 2016 at 06:32PM by AmnesiaTDD

Pickle Slicer

A guy comes home from work and tells his wife that he was fired. Wife asks why? Husband says he got caught sticking his dick in the pickle slicer. Wife panicked - asked to look at his penis. Penis looked good, didn't have a cut on it. Puzzled, the wife asks, 'What happened to the pickle slicer?'

The husband looks up and says, 'She got fired as well'.



Submitted February 28, 2016 at 04:08PM by Hyperx1313

I want to repaint my room a shade of white...

...but I can't decide between "eggshell", "beige", or "2016 Oscars".



Submitted February 28, 2016 at 03:54PM by nightmarenonsense

What do a thong and Donald Trump's toupee have in common?

They both barely cover an asshole.



Submitted February 28, 2016 at 04:49PM by lostmatthew

I forgot where I threw my boomerang.

Oh wait.. It's coming back to me now.



Submitted February 28, 2016 at 05:25PM by atomic1fire

"I'm Bill Gates, today I'll teach you how to count to 10"

1, 2, 3, NT, 95, 98, 2000, Me, XP, Vista, 7, 8, 10



Submitted February 28, 2016 at 01:51PM by DireDuke

Robert Khardasian was OJ Simpson's lawyer

And thus began the family tradition of getting black men off.



Submitted February 28, 2016 at 03:19PM by OrangeKlip

A good zinger that my friend carpenter used on a doctor

So this Dr hired my friend (who's a carpenter) to do some work around the house, the doc was curiously looking over my friends shoulder as he was putting a piece of molding to cover his uneven cut. The doc said with a cavalier attitude "that's an easy way to hide your mistakes!" and without thinking, my friend replied "yeah, to hide my mistakes I don't need 6 feet of soil!"



Submitted February 28, 2016 at 01:43PM by SmackEh

Did you hear about the cannibal who dumped his girlfriend?

The title is the joke :)



Submitted February 28, 2016 at 02:32PM by EpilepticMoose

My 11 year old son got my wife

My wife bought a frozen pizza that was purported to be the best frozen pizza, and supposedly you couldn't tell that it was frozen.

She baked it in the oven, got it out, and asked "So, does this look like a frozen pizza?"

My eleven year old son replied "not any more"

I'm so proud of him!



Submitted February 28, 2016 at 02:13PM by sirosis73

The three unwritten rules of /r/cleanjokes are:

1.

2.

3.



Submitted February 28, 2016 at 01:24PM by Just_a_Sloth_Here

Father in law on fire this Sunday afternoon

Doing a crossword with my father in law and mother in law. He told me that he completed The Times crossword (which is apparently one of the hardest crosswords) the other day all except one clue. Mother in law says "go on then darling tell me the clue I bet I'll work it out" He says the clue is "heavily laden postman" She says "how many letters" He says "hundreds and hundreds I should think" Dead



Submitted February 28, 2016 at 12:56PM by megpuss21

Technology Dad Joke

I'm in Atlanta with my girlfriend this weekend, and we are heading to the Lenox Mall. We were discussing the temperature and if we needed jackets, and I said "I wonder if they have Windows."

Took her awhile.



Submitted February 28, 2016 at 12:29PM by keith2154

A Televangelist, a Rabbi and a Hindu were traveling together

They came across a farm and asked to spend the night there. The farmer said, “I only have room for two, someone will have to sleep in the barn.”

The Hindu volunteered. Moments later, there was a knock on the door. The Hindu said, “There is a cow in the barn. I can’t sleep on holy ground.”

“I will go” said the Rabbi. Moments later there was a knock on the door. “I can’t sleep with a pig, pigs are unkosher.”

So the Televangelist is sent out to the barn. Moments later, there was a knock on the door.

It was the pig and the cow.



Submitted February 28, 2016 at 11:06AM by Battle4Seattle

What's the difference between a pizza and a pizza joke?

Pizza jokes can't be topped!

:D



Submitted February 28, 2016 at 11:06AM by anna-saur

What do Monica Lewinsky and a vending machine have in common?

Both say Please insert Bill.



Submitted February 28, 2016 at 06:41AM by Zanadox

My girlfriend and I had a fight and she asked me for distance and time,

But for the life of me, i cant figure out why she wants to calculate velocity



Submitted February 28, 2016 at 10:07AM by javimtza

Got the vet the other day

Had my dog in for a tooth extraction and when the vet was looking over the chart I told her it was one of his canines.

"No, it's a molar"

Frustrating when nobody recognizes great humour.



Submitted February 28, 2016 at 10:27AM by Generic_Cleric

7 YO daughter got me with this one today. What animal is best at closing holes?

Seal

EDIT: Both Mum and I groaned, but I told her I was incredibly proud of her.



Submitted February 28, 2016 at 10:00AM by kactusotp

A man goes to a job interview...

Interviewer: "What's your greatest weakness?"

Man: "Probably my honesty."

Interviewer: "I don't think that's a weakness."

Man: "I don't give a fuck what you think."



Submitted February 28, 2016 at 08:59AM by Communizte

Why did the cannibal always introduce his friends to each other?

Because he liked to have people meat.



Submitted February 28, 2016 at 09:49AM by ItWasMyWifesIdea

what do you call a vampire that sucks mucus instead of blood?

nose-feratu!



Submitted February 28, 2016 at 08:59AM by casulhello

Should English be the only official language of the EU?

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi TU understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.



Submitted February 28, 2016 at 06:15AM by swiss__

Why do Jamaican philosophers shit together?

Because they discuss tings.



Submitted February 28, 2016 at 06:58AM by supergingerlol

When's the best time to come out of the closet?

When the coast is queer.



Submitted February 28, 2016 at 02:58AM by HollyStej

A wife is good for seventy things,

cleaning, and 69.



Submitted February 27, 2016 at 10:38PM by Choppersaurus

My boyfriend got me at the grocery store with this one

We were in the produce section and a few leeks fell out of their display on to the floor..

SO: Look! They're leeking!



Submitted February 28, 2016 at 04:57AM by sookie42

Archeologists in South Africa have just discoved what they think is the oldest tampon ever found

They are trying to find out what period it came from



Submitted February 28, 2016 at 03:19AM by Lrat

What did the pharaoh do when he had a stiff back?

He went to the Cairo-practor.



Submitted February 28, 2016 at 12:47AM by CSTSPOH

Saturday, February 27, 2016

Why was the ghost naked when he looked in the mirror?

Because he was scared sheetless!



Submitted February 28, 2016 at 12:56AM by Crazybay46913

My friend asked if there where any restaurant names that started with "R"

I suggested Arbys and the teamspeak went quiet.



Submitted February 28, 2016 at 12:53AM by tommyl1998

Why do Canadians prefer their jokes in hexidecimal?

Because 7 8 9 A



Submitted February 27, 2016 at 06:23PM by reissGRVS

Max wondered why the ball was slowly growing larger...

and then it hit him.



Submitted February 27, 2016 at 11:24PM by TristanJeremiah

I hope the place where Phil Collins records his vocals is referred to as the "Stu-Stustudio"

No text found

Submitted February 27, 2016 at 11:13PM by sternloyalty

What did one burp say to the other burp?

Let's be stinkers and go out the other end!!



Submitted February 27, 2016 at 10:17PM by john2522

Three guys are stuck on an island full of cannibals...

The cabinnals capture them unless they each bring back ten fruit.

The first comes back with ten bananas. The Tribe Leader tells him that they will shove the bananas up his ass, and if he laughs or winces he gets eaten. He gets the ten bananas shoved up his ass, but he cries out and is sent to "Cannibal Death Row".

The second guy comes back ten berries. The Tribe Leader tells him that they will shove the berries up his ass and if he laughs or winces, he gets eaten. The man, as the sixth berry comes in, starts laughing.

The man is sent to say goodbye to his friend before they both get eaten. "Dude, why'd you laugh? Yours was easy."

"I couldn't help it, I saw Dave coming back with ten watermelons."



Submitted February 27, 2016 at 05:25PM by Test_My_Patience74

Why does Bernie Sanders write in lowercase letters?

Because he hates capitalism.



Submitted February 27, 2016 at 05:08PM by dankmatter_

Got my girlfriend with this techy dadjoke

My girlfriend was talking about her family and she said:

Her - "Ya, turns out my dad sudo checks up on me now and again."

Me - "Well that's good he does administrative checks."

Her - super hard eye roll

Me - "Because if he didn't that would probably be the root of all your problems."

Her - "Oh my god stop ha-ha"

Me - "What are you talking about? These jokes have opened new Windows of opportunity!"

Her - "You're going to get punched."

Me - "Well I guess you could say that I'm the bad Apple then."

Her - eyes roll out of her head and she Punches my arm

Success



Submitted February 27, 2016 at 09:29PM by thepinkanator95

What does Bill say to Hillary after sex?

Honey I'll be home in 20 minutes.



Submitted February 27, 2016 at 09:00PM by furkitare

What is a giraffe's favorite beer?

High-neckin'



Submitted February 27, 2016 at 08:24PM by GIGA255

Why didn't the cargo ship want to leave the bay?

Because it was a freight!



Submitted February 27, 2016 at 06:04PM by Crazybay46913

When I get naked in the bathroom..

The shower usually gets turned on.



Submitted February 27, 2016 at 05:45PM by RQ14

How many dead hookers does it take to change a lightbulb ?

Apparently not four as my basement is still dark



Submitted February 27, 2016 at 03:04PM by vladvlad23

Religion is like a penis

It's OK to be proud of yours, just don't try to shove it down your children's throat.



Submitted February 27, 2016 at 04:18PM by SentientDust

My wife got me with this one today

Me "You know, I actually don't mind period sex."

Wife "I'll wear the corset, if you wear the bustle."



Submitted February 27, 2016 at 05:12PM by ShinyMind

I got something to get off my chest

my father said to me when he needed a spot on the bench press.



Submitted February 27, 2016 at 05:18PM by Zoomuck

What has 4 legs and tastes like a salad?

A vegtable.



Submitted February 27, 2016 at 05:21PM by KoldFire

Confucius Say

Man who run behind car get exhausted

But man who run in front of car get tired.



Submitted February 27, 2016 at 03:22PM by Noob1239

Got my GF while driving home from rock climbing

We were driving by a farm (shocker, I live in a rural area) and this exchanged happened.

Her: Awe that horse is starring at the group of horses in the other field. They must want a horse friend.

Me: Why? They'd just horse around all day.

Her: ..... ugh.



Submitted February 27, 2016 at 03:51PM by Hooks_And_Needles

How many cops does it take to push a black man down the stairs?

None, he fell.



Submitted February 27, 2016 at 09:42AM by lovetakelovemake

A large group of fat economists probably get better results than a small group of thin economists.

Due to the economists of scale.



Submitted February 27, 2016 at 02:38PM by dockerhate

My fried just asked how to spell the word "monotonous"

I responded with "What's the point?"



Submitted February 27, 2016 at 01:43PM by freebillygoat

I'd like to thank my hands...

I'd like to thank my hands for always being at my side, my legs for supporting me through thick and thin, and my fingers... Because I can always count on them.



Submitted February 27, 2016 at 11:26AM by Eldant

Soup jokes.

Girlfriend: They have good butternut squash soup here. Me: Oh yeah? Is it better than mine? Girlfriend: Nope. Me: It butternut be!



Submitted February 27, 2016 at 01:22PM by PicklePillz

I just told one to myself and shamefully laughed at it

I bought new laces for my boots and was looking at them and thought "those laces really tie the boots together"



Submitted February 27, 2016 at 12:43PM by -4-8-15-16-23-42-

A Cuban, a Canadian, and a White Supremacist walks into a bar...

The bartender asks "What'll you have Senator Cruz?"



Submitted February 27, 2016 at 10:12AM by sdvr1

The Republican primary race should be called "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button"

It's way too long, and the protagonists are becoming more juvenile as it goes on.



Submitted February 27, 2016 at 09:15AM by CrankyOptimist

The Dying Man and the Cookies

An old man was on his death bed and had less than a day to live. As he lay there reflecting on his life, he smelled his favorite cookies in the kitchen. So using his last bit of will and effort, he dragged himself out of bed and crawled to the kitchen for a cookie. He sat down at the table and reached for one when his wife popped his hand with a wooden spoon: "Don't touch it! Those are for your funeral!"



Submitted February 27, 2016 at 09:27AM by _thedogmother_

A zoo was having a lot of trouble with a female gorilla

The gorilla was in heat, but they had no male to couple her with. As she was getting more violent and aggressive by the hour, they tried to contact other zoos for a male, but none were available in a short amount of time.

Desperate, the zoo director calls John the janitor into his office.

  • 'John, you've been with us for a long time, but today I have an unusual question for you. We can't calm this gorilla down and I'm afraid for the safety of the zoo. John, will you... ahem... screw this gorilla? For, say, 500 dollars?'

John seriously thinks about it for a while and then replies:

  • 'Sir, I will do it, but I have 3 conditions.'

  • 'Yeah John, of course, just name them!' says the relieved director.

  • 'First, this matter stays here in this office. I do this, nobody but you, me and the gorilla knows about it!'

  • 'Well absolutely John, it's only normal!'

  • 'Second, just so we're clear, I'll only screw the damn gorilla. No kissing, fondling or spooning!'

  • 'I think that will be enough John, of course!' the director smiles. 'What about the third condition?

  • 'Well...,' John is suddenly lowering his voice and looks down ashamed, 'I'll have to give you those 500 dollars at my next pay.'



Submitted February 27, 2016 at 07:17AM by TheWoodElf

Why was the Ant Man game never released?

...it had too many bugs.



Submitted February 27, 2016 at 09:13AM by bike_rack

My gf stabbed me with her nails by accident

She said "I'm sorry! It was a mistake!

I said "Well, It felt more like a mistake knife!"



Submitted February 27, 2016 at 07:54AM by tsmith944

Well I will told this nice joke...

Person B: You mean to say "I will tell".

Me: Yeah, sorry about my Tense of Humour



Submitted February 27, 2016 at 06:38AM by micketic

The three unwritten rules of life

1.

2.

3.



Submitted February 27, 2016 at 04:47AM by TheurgyWarden

What's the difference between a priest and a pimple?

Pimples don't come on boys faces till they hit 13



Submitted February 26, 2016 at 09:03PM by treegiant49

So there's an Irish family who live in the countryside (a bit of a long one here)

And the closest town is about a mile away. They make their money from a little bit of farming, but mostly from the milk that their cow produces.

So one day, the father wakes up and goes outside, and sees that the family cow has died. Stricken with grief, he kills himself on the spot. When his wife wakes up, she goes outside, sees her husband and the cow, and hangs herself from the barn rafters, unable to live without her true love.

Their oldest son wakes up a little later, and goes outside, sees his dead parents, and goes down to the river to cry a bit, out of sight of the whole scene of death. While at the river, a female leprechaun jumps out in front of him, and says "so, seems you're having a bad day."

He says, "Yes, that's true."

She says, "Well, I have a deal for you. Fuck me ten times in a row without stopping, and I'll bring both your parents back to life, plus the cow."

"That's great!" Says the lad, "But what happens if I fail?"

"I'll kill you," says she.

"Well, I have nothing to lose," says the lad, and they go about it, but he fails, and she kills him.

The second brother wakes up, sees his parents and the cow, and goes down to the river only to see his dead brother and the leprechaun. She gives him the same offer, and he tries but fails. She kills him too.

Finally, the last, youngest brother wakes up, goes outside, sees the carnage, and goes down to the river to cry. Upon arrival, he sees his brothers and the leprechaun. She gives him the same deal, adding that she will bring both his brothers back to life as well. All he has to do is fuck her 10 times in a row.

"That sounds great" he says, "But what if I fuck you 15 times?"

"Well, says the leprechaun, "I'll change your family's house into a mansion."

"And what about 20?" Says the lad.

"IF you could do that, I'd also throw in piles of gold, you'd be set for life. But sadly, I think it's impossible."

"Oh, it's possible," says the youngest boy, "But I have one worry. What about your own safety?"

"What do you mean?" Says the leprechaun.

"What's to keep you from dying from all that fucking?" Says the boy.

"Why on earth would you think I'd die from that?" Asks the leprechaun.

"Well," says the boy, "the cow did."



Submitted February 27, 2016 at 02:28AM by Workingusrname

Friday, February 26, 2016

"It's only midnight"

Me: "Hahaha no it isn't" Him: "What does the clock say" Me: "The clock doesn't say anything" Him: "Did it get reset or something".....[pause]....."jesus christ"



Submitted February 27, 2016 at 02:30AM by witthatbit

The other day, I broke my award for Best Cat Gastroenterologist.

It was a catasstrophy.



Submitted February 27, 2016 at 01:59AM by bob_cock

I asked my friend in North Korea how it was there.

He said he cant complain...



Submitted February 27, 2016 at 12:04AM by geschichte1

What would Pikachu say if he worked at Little Caesars?

Pika Pika.



Submitted February 27, 2016 at 12:10AM by ApEkCombat5784

5 Jokes about Boiling Water

  1. Perhaps I shouldn't joke on here about boiling water, it might be too steamy.
  2. RIP Boiling Water. You will be mist.
  3. How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.
  4. What do you get when your pour boiling water down a rabbit hole? Hot cross bunnies
  5. One cannibal says to the other cannibal "hey I ate a missionary the other day and he gave me an upset stomach." The second cannibal says "That's too bad. How'd you cook him?" The first cannibal says "Oh, I threw him in the giant pot of boiling water like always." The second cannibal says "Makes sense. And what did he look like?" The first cannibal says "The usual. Brown robe, rope belt, sandals." And the second cannibal says "Well there's your problem. You boiled him, and he was a friar."

Bonus Related Joke: How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.



Submitted February 26, 2016 at 10:40PM by koolkrazykooky

A dad asks his son, "What has four legs but isn't alive?"

The son says,"Nice try dad, a chair!"

"Not this time son, our dog is dead"



Submitted February 26, 2016 at 09:48PM by OptimusTardis

A man asks, “God, why did you make woman so beautiful?”

God responded, ”So you would love her.” The man asks, “But God, why did you make her so dumb?” God replied, “So she would love you.”



Submitted February 26, 2016 at 05:42PM by yamathor

Didn't Snoop Dogg change his name?

Or was Snoop Lyin'?



Submitted February 26, 2016 at 09:35PM by Vivaplextaneous

Why do physicists love going to church

It's the center of mass



Submitted February 26, 2016 at 09:01PM by deezchubz

There once was a family of moles in their mole hole when one smelled something sweet...

The father mole stuck his head out of the mole hole and said "is that honey?" So the mother mole squeezed through the hole next to the father and smelled "that may be maple syrup! It smells so wonderful!" The baby mole, wanting to see what all the commotion was about, frustratingly couldn't fit between the father and mother mole. So he wailed " All I smell is molasses!"



Submitted February 26, 2016 at 04:27PM by perfumebunny007

Sitting at the red light, then it turned green.

When the light turned, I looked to my wife and said: "Green, go."

She didn't skip a beat: "Honey, I'm no gringo."



Submitted February 26, 2016 at 09:30PM by apokalypsepony

What do you call a teacher that doesn't fart in public?

a private tooter.



Submitted February 26, 2016 at 08:18PM by atodaso

So my three year old got his great grandpa today. We had just got back from fishing today. Paw Paw asks boy, where'd you catch all them fish?

In the mouth.



Submitted February 26, 2016 at 08:58PM by coveredinsecurity

Hey, can you tell me about infinity?

Eh, it's a long story.



Submitted February 26, 2016 at 07:02PM by zenchowdah

How'd you sleep?

My gf: morning, how'd you sleep? Me: with my eyes shut.



Submitted February 26, 2016 at 08:35PM by rob232

A couple was set to be married...

Unfortunately, an old lover was trying to break up the wedding. In the end, it went off without a hitch.



Submitted February 26, 2016 at 08:36PM by highvolt

What did the cow say to the bull that got in its way?

Mooooooooove.



Submitted February 26, 2016 at 08:07PM by redededited

A boy asks his dad, “What’s the difference between potential and realistic?

The dad tells him to go ask the rest of his family if they’d sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then he’d tell him the answer. The boy goes up to his mom and asks her. She responds, “A million dollars is a lot of money sweetheart. I could send you, your sister, and your brother to great colleges, so sure, I would!” He then goes and asks his sister to which she replies, “Brad Pitt? Hell ya, he’s the hottest guy ever!” Next, the boy asks his brother who replies, “A million dollars? Hell yes I would. I’d be rich!” When the boy excitedly returns to his dad with the family’s responses, the dad says, “Well son, potentially, we have three million dollars. Realistically, we have two sluts and a queer.”



Submitted February 26, 2016 at 05:53PM by yamathor

What does a German call a party without Sausage and Cheese?

A Wurst-Käse Scenario



Submitted February 26, 2016 at 12:41PM by ErnieBLegal

My friend works as a teacher. She lost her cool with one of the students, so later on the student gave her this... She gave her back her cool...



Submitted February 26, 2016 at 03:37PM by AceSLive12

My pregnant wife was complaining to me today

"I'm miserable."

"Hi Ms. Erable, I'm George"

No response.

http://ift.tt/1T1wibn



Submitted February 26, 2016 at 04:08PM by R-U

Barack Obama as a Magic Card

Dad: If Barack Obama were on a Magic card, what would it be called?

Son: ...

Dad: Black POTUS



Submitted February 26, 2016 at 05:41PM by nieltown

University Varsity Basketball match



Submitted February 26, 2016 at 04:30PM by werdnasemloh

Excuse me,

I said to the woman sat in front of me on the bus, "You have some semen on the back of your jacket." "I'm sure it's not semen," she said, "It's probably yogurt." "It's definitely semen," I said, "I don't ejaculate yogurt."



Submitted February 26, 2016 at 01:48PM by PM_ME_YOUR_WEED_420

Drinking a glass of clementine juice...

Me: This clementine juice is nicer than eating an actual clementine.

Dad: And this Budweiser is nicer than eating an actual bud.



Submitted February 26, 2016 at 04:10PM by ghostunicorn

You hear about the old man that went to the doctor?

Doctor says "did you know you have a suppository in your ear?"

Old man replies "well that explains what happened to my hearing aid!"



Submitted February 26, 2016 at 03:23PM by cidiem

My 90 year old grandfather dropped this one recently

He had been taken to the hospital for a routine check up after suffering a fall/stroke/something along those lines, and was being asked a series of simple questions (Name, age, date of birth) and all went well until they asked him "What sort of building are your in?" expecting him to say "hospital." His response? "Brick"



Submitted February 26, 2016 at 03:22PM by MrTankins

What is the difference between a Mechanical Engineer and a Civil Engineer?

A Mechanical Engineer makes weapons, a Civil Engineer makes targets.



Submitted February 26, 2016 at 12:04PM by TreeBarkFleshLight

A car full of Irish nuns is sitting at a traffic light in downtown Dublin, when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them.

A car full of Irish nuns is sitting at a traffic light in downtown Dublin, when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them.

"Hey, show us yer tits, ya bloody penguins!" shouts one of the drunks. Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculata and says, "I don't think they know who we are; show them your cross."

Sister Mary Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, "Piss off, ya fookin' little wankers, before I come over there and rip yer balls off!"

Sister Mary Immaculata then rolls up her window, looks back at Mother Superior, quite innocently, and asks, "Did that sound cross enough?



Submitted February 26, 2016 at 12:19PM by OhioTry

Ducks in Heaven

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: Don't step on the ducks!" So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, And although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one. Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, 'Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!' The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman. The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps. She manages to go months Without stepping on any ducks. But one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on. Very tall, long eyelashes, muscular. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word. The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being Chained to you for all of eternity?" The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck."



Submitted February 26, 2016 at 10:34AM by weaverl47

Studies show there is actually intelligent DNA in women.

But unfortunately most of them spit it out.



Submitted February 26, 2016 at 10:30AM by 247NoSleep

Boyfriend woke up and laid this one on me

Me-Did you catch a cold? Him- I dont have the reflexes for that.



Submitted February 26, 2016 at 11:04AM by saywhatagain22

Why are men smarter during sex?

Because during sex they're plugged into a fucking know-it-all!



Submitted February 26, 2016 at 06:21AM by MuzzleBlast

A priest goes to the mechanic

He tells the mechanic, "hey, I just brought in my car last week, and since you guys worked on it, it's leaking oil all over my garage." The mechanic says, "my apologies father, we'll make sure we get it right this time, come back tomorrow, and we'll have it tip-top for you." The priest returns the following day, and he says, "well, how is it?" The mechanic says, "we found the issue. it was a loose oil filter, and it won't be leaking again because I screwed it in tighter than a nun's cunt." Solemnly, the priest looks the mechanic dead in the eye, and says, "better give it another quarter turn."



Submitted February 26, 2016 at 08:49AM by tmountain

A teenage girl was being intimate with her boyfriend (X-post from r/jokes by u/Siethronx2)

At her parents house. Her father after being woken by the noises goes upstairs to check it out, and walks in on them.

"Dad!" she exclaimed in a panic "...I'm sorry"

The dad being a dad replies "hi sorry, I'm Dad!"

He then turns to the boyfriend and asks "Are you fucking sorry?"



Submitted February 26, 2016 at 10:00AM by yuwesley

My 7 year old's 1st joke with the f word...

Jake: Effingham is a funny name for a street.

Me: You know, I've kinda always thought that too.

Jake: Yeah, it's like the worst kind of pig there is.

Me: That's f-ing halarious.



Submitted February 26, 2016 at 09:50AM by dontautotuneme

Stocking the milk.

So I work at a grocery store. Last night I was refilling the milk case and one of the cute cashiers walks up to me and she said "Hey what are you doing?" in a sly tone. Without even a chance to blink while standing there with a gallon of milk in each hand I replied "Handling a pair of large jugs" She laughed, I laughed, the older lady standing near us looked offended... good times!



Submitted February 26, 2016 at 05:44AM by Morphik08

H.o.m.e.w.o.r.k

Half of my energy wasted on random knowledge



Submitted February 26, 2016 at 05:17AM by jamilaliahmed

Q: How do convicts get drugs while they're in prison?

A: Some asshole brings 'em in.



Submitted February 26, 2016 at 04:22AM by ksanoj

Why didn't DiCaprio laugh at Oscar joke?

Because he didn't get it.



Submitted February 26, 2016 at 05:44AM by ShameAlter

Yesterday my doctor told me I needed to stop masturbating. I asked, "Why is that, doc?"

He replied, "I'm trying to examine you."



Submitted February 26, 2016 at 02:30AM by Sidrisrock

9 yo daughter: "You know, dad; I think I have your sense of humour."

Me (rather pleased): "Really?" Her: "Yes. Would you like it back?"



Submitted February 26, 2016 at 02:29AM by Flayan514

Thursday, February 25, 2016

Walking next to my Mom yesterday...

My brother and I aren't super tall by any means (both 6'1") but we tower over my 5" 5' mother.

So last night, after going to my other brother's choir concert, we were walking back to my car. My brother turns to me and says "hey /u/Devchar96, let's pretend we're as short as Mom." He then crouch walked.

My response? "Nah, I won't stoop to that level."

I'm so proud of myself guys. I feel like I'm finally qualified for Dad-hood!



Submitted February 26, 2016 at 02:06AM by Devchar96

So I said, 'What does the vulture sing to its children at feeding time'?

Carrion my wayward son, of course.



Submitted February 26, 2016 at 12:53AM by Tendrin

What do you call a dead person making ice cream?

Ice cremation.

I'm so sorry.



Submitted February 25, 2016 at 11:56PM by Poop_Projector

Don't kiss your wife with a runny nose

You might think it's funny, but it's snot.



Submitted February 25, 2016 at 11:27PM by bananchoklad

Double standards are the worst.

I mean, if a girl sleeps with lots of guys, she's considered a slut.

But when a guy does it, he's considered a homosexual.



Submitted February 25, 2016 at 08:29PM by Himrion

So I'm at school with my crush...

Culinary school, that is. Our chef tells her she needs to shred some cheese for the sandwiches we were making. So as she's walking over to get the tool she needs, I tell her,

"You'd better do a grate job."

I think those rolling eyes mean she's finally starting to like me back.



Submitted February 25, 2016 at 10:52PM by DarkSpectre69

My wife and I were happy for 20 years...

... then we met



Submitted February 25, 2016 at 07:28PM by hdelmonte

I started calling my wife "Zika"...

...so that I could just get a little head, baby.



Submitted February 25, 2016 at 04:03PM by RotaryJihad

Women are just as sexist as men

But just like everything else, men are just better at it.



Submitted February 25, 2016 at 04:01PM by SabreMase

"IT'S A BOY" I shouted...

With tears rolling down my face, I shouted out loud. "I DON'T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!"

It was at that moment I decided never to visit Thailand again.



Submitted February 25, 2016 at 06:56PM by Battle4Seattle

An Englishman, a Frenchman, and a Latvian were arguing about the nationality of Adam and Eve.

An Englishman, a Frenchman, and a Latvian were arguing about the nationality of Adam and Eve.

"They must have been English," the Englishman offered. "After all, only a gentleman would share his last apple with a lady."

"They surely were French," the Frenchman asserted. "They were so hopelessly in love."

"Only could be Latvian," declared the Latvian. "Who else could walk around naked, have only one apple to eat, and think they were in paradise?"



Submitted February 25, 2016 at 03:46PM by JamesTheGodMason

Why does everyone pronounce Chimpanzeds the American way?

No text found

Submitted February 25, 2016 at 04:00PM by SiliconMountain

why didn't the bicycle cross the road?

because it was two-tired.



Submitted February 25, 2016 at 06:28PM by chadass

What's the difference between Bird flu and swine flu?

For one you get tweetment and the other you get oinkment...



Submitted February 25, 2016 at 05:49PM by NoStudLee

This morning I was complaining to my girlfriend the my contact was bothering me....

without pause she looked up and said "Better keep and eye on it".



Submitted February 25, 2016 at 04:43PM by ApplesHoss

A teenage girl was being intimate with her boyfriend

At her parents house. Her father after being woken by the noises goes upstairs to check it out, and walks in on them.

"Dad!" she exclaimed in a panic "...I'm sorry"

The dad being a dad replies "hi sorry, I'm Dad!"

He then turns to the boyfriend and asks "Are you fucking sorry?"



Submitted February 25, 2016 at 02:47PM by Siethron

Cheating Golfer

A married man was having an affair with his secretary.One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8pm. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home."Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house."Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock."The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!"



Submitted February 25, 2016 at 03:24PM by archertheduchess1990

Therapist: "So your parents both blame you for the divorce"

Therapist: "So your parents both blame you for the divorce"

John: "Nah, I was just a kid."

Therapist: "That wasn't a question. I see them twice a week."



Submitted February 25, 2016 at 11:15AM by i_hate_reddittors

What's the difference between me and a pile of bricks?

The bricks will get laid.



Submitted February 25, 2016 at 01:36PM by Fuhk_Yoo

The Blind Man

A nun is taking a bath when someone knocks at the door.

She asks who it is, and the person says, "The blind man."

So she lets him come into the bathroom.

The man enters the room and says, "Nice tits. Where do you want me to hang the blind?"

.

.

(from "The Vicar Of Dibley")



Submitted February 25, 2016 at 10:28AM by NotOBAMAThrowaway

My cheese spoon is coming home!

My old roommate moved out and accidentally absconded with my cheese spoon. She is coming back to my home-state and wrote this on my facebook wall.

Friend: Guess who else is coming back to CO- your cheese spoon! It's been on two continents and eight states in the last 8 months. It's coming back with a broader world perspective, but it's still the same spoon.

My Response: Perfect! Because all the cheese I eat is also cultured!

I will update if I get any wonderful eye-rolling responses.



Submitted February 25, 2016 at 01:48PM by bill_bull

Balloon in a tree

Brother: Is that a "Frozen" balloon up in that tree?

Me: Looks like it...some kid must have accidentally "Let it go."



Submitted February 25, 2016 at 01:22PM by danomano

(x-post from /r/germany) No matter how kind you are...

...German children are Kinder.



Submitted February 25, 2016 at 12:41PM by renskerbof

I'm a real piece of work!



Submitted February 25, 2016 at 01:27PM by cropdustinggenius

What's the worst thing about breaking up with a Japanese girl?

You have to drop the bomb twice before she gets the message.



Submitted February 25, 2016 at 09:46AM by LavaMeteor

Dad dropped a fucking brilliant one last night... needs some backstory

So my brother is a policeman and last night got a call about a stolen washing machine...

So he goes to it, ridiculous argument insues between the two parties then a slight wrestling match from my brother and the accuser and he gets nicked. So then my mum asks him

"What about the washing machine? Did the other man steal it?"

my dad replies instantly:

"It made a clean getaway"

I can't wait to have kids so my brain work the same way...



Submitted February 25, 2016 at 12:29PM by JungleOrAfk

Quick! Give me all your "vanilla" puns!

Hey Reddit,

I'm helping plan a wedding for a family member, and the favor for the guests are lip balm. There are 3 flavors, peppermint, cherry, and vanilla. Our idea is to have lovey-dovey puns as the names of the lip balm.

For example, for mint we have "pepper-MINT to be" and for cherry we have "you are CHERRY sweet."

Problem is, we can't think of any for vanilla. I asked women, and they suggested r/dadjokes as the best pun-makers.

So give me all your best Vanilla puns!! Make them corny! Let's do this!



Submitted February 25, 2016 at 12:29PM by swimbananas

This morning I was wondering why the sun wasn't rising...

And then it dawned on me



Submitted February 25, 2016 at 10:51AM by heruthelight

My wife and I were buying juice...

...and it dawned on me: No wonder our kids have ADD, all of our juice is "Not From Concentrate"



Submitted February 25, 2016 at 12:07PM by thetallone7

I think my coworkers getting tired of the construction jokes I've been working on…

A group of us were walking by a building expansion that's been under construction for a while when one of my coworkers said, "Look! They're installing the large glass windows on the front!"

I couldn't help but say, "I guess that's a pretty clear indicator they're making progress!"

There may or may not have been a face palm afterwards.



Submitted February 25, 2016 at 12:08PM by Mapkar

Why was the school grey?

Because it was a Greyed School.

I woke up with this joke in my head this morning. I think my brain is trying to kill me with horrible puns.



Submitted February 25, 2016 at 11:24AM by thetallone7

I'm beginning to worry about my obsession with technology.

I told my doctor, "I think I'm addicted to Twitter." He replied, "I don't follow you."



Submitted February 25, 2016 at 08:51AM by musichatesyouall

My wife sent me an article about "sandpaper spouses..."

I told her she must be 2000 grit, 'cause she's FINE!



Submitted February 25, 2016 at 11:05AM by HeartOfDavid

Apparently, we're starting Christmas early this year...

[http://ift.tt/20WYjQy] Because we already have an elf on the shelf.



Submitted February 25, 2016 at 09:47AM by Misplaced_Texan

How many women have you slept with

My wife asked me, "How many women have you slept with?" I proudly replied, "Only you, Darling. With all the others I was awake."



Submitted February 25, 2016 at 08:27AM by tasheel

My brother won a prize for staying in a hospital bed for a really long time.

He got a trophy.



Submitted February 25, 2016 at 12:34AM by MidDan

I like to be frank and earnest with women.

In Brooklyn, I'm Frank and in Chicago I'm Ernest.



Submitted February 25, 2016 at 07:33AM by wutang77

I work in retail, a married man made me laugh

Me: Hi sir, can I help you?
Him: Nah I'm just looking for my wife
Me: Oh sorry, we don't sell wives here
Him: Good! Else you'd get a lot of returns!



Submitted February 25, 2016 at 04:36AM by Inn0xious

Don't make fun of fat people with lisps...

They're thick and tired of it



Submitted February 25, 2016 at 05:49AM by IrreleventGuy1018

Weather

I work in television. It's going to be very windy today in our area.

Weather guy: "The wind is going to be apparent today."

Me: "Aw, I didn't even know the wind was pregnant!"



Submitted February 25, 2016 at 07:17AM by kibasoul

Got my now ex-wife with this one

While attending s family event that neither of us wanted to attend, I leaned down to whisper in her ear.

Me: I think we should make like a tree...

Her: and leaf? eye roll and groan

Me: No, we should make like a tree and get the fuck outta here.

Her: facepalm with louder groan



Submitted February 25, 2016 at 06:58AM by Returningdarkness

A man walks into a bar and takes a seat.

The bowl of pretzels in front of him says "Well aren't you a handsome fellow!". Thinking he's hearing things, the man ignores it and orders a fine Pilsner beer. After he takes a sip, the pretzels goes again "Hm, Pilsner, a fine choice for a cutie like you". The man then looks at the bartender and asks "What the hell is with this bowl of pretzels?!" The bartender, not looking up, says "Oh them? Don't worry about it. The pretzels are complimentary"



Submitted February 25, 2016 at 12:29AM by iamnotconner

Passed a milestone today with my 7 year old.

He said that dinner smelled. I said "So does your face." He said that there wasn't anything on his face that smelled. I said "What about your nose?" He said "Dad, your jokes are RUBBISH!"

It felt so good :D



Submitted February 25, 2016 at 04:17AM by TheUmpteenth

My girlfriend and I were at the hospital.

She's still not speaking to me after this one.

My girlfriend got hit in the head at work today and had been dizzy and nauseous for several hours afterward. We went to the hospital, and they recommended that she use a wheelchair due to her dizziness.

We were waiting in the hospital to find out the scan result and she jokingly threatened to fight me over something I said. I told her it wouldn't be a fair fight, because she would have the advantage. I told her she had an unfair handicap.



Submitted February 24, 2016 at 10:10PM by iBrave

What kind of car drinks soup?

A souparu



Submitted February 24, 2016 at 11:19PM by Cpt_Lazlo

Our waiter earned a nice tip..

I was visibly tired and struggling to even get through the menu when I asked for his suggestion.

Waiter: "Might I suggest the Filet Migyawn"

I returned with an immediate fist bump and thanked him for his masterpiece.



Submitted February 25, 2016 at 03:18AM by WayneWorld

Wednesday, February 24, 2016

An airline joke my 83 YO dad sent me . Slightly NSFW

Dear Airlines:

Dump the male flight Attendants. No one wanted them in the first place.

Replace all the female flight attendants with YOUNG good-looking strippers! What the hell!! They don't even serve food anymore, so what's the loss?

The strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales and get a "party atmosphere" going in the cabin. And, of course, every businessman in this country would start flying again, hoping to see naked women. Because of the tips, female flight attendants wouldn't need a salary, thus saving money while the flight attendants jobs would be better paying than ever before.

Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked women. Hijackings would come to a screeching halt, and the airline industry would see record revenues. We would not have any need for Air Marshalls, the TSA, etc. This would make flying easier and safer again and would save even more money.

This is definitely a win -- win situation if we handle it right -- a golden opportunity to turn a liability into an asset.

Why didn't Bush or Obama think of this?

Why do I still have to do everything myself?

Sincerely, Donald Trump



Submitted February 24, 2016 at 09:38PM by lazztoo

Got my friend with a Microsoft joke in class

Text conversation between me and my friend in my computer science class while we are doing an excel spreadsheet.

My friend: Hey I really messed up this spreadsheet can you send it to me when you're finished? Me: Yeah sure if I ever finish it haha. My friend: Word thanks Me: No this is Excel.

I could hear her groan from across the room.



Submitted February 25, 2016 at 12:38AM by smbfcc

I tried to convince the grape that she had dried out...

But I just couldn't raisin with her.

I'll see myself out.



Submitted February 24, 2016 at 09:10PM by vegatronic

Bubba and his three brothers Billy, Buck and Bob were driving their brand new truck one morning.

Suddenly they were rear ended by an old man. Furious, they pulled over and were about to beat the shit out of him.

Man - "Hold on, this is unfair. There are four of you and I'm just a weak old man."

Bubba - "You're right. Billy and Bob, you two fight on his side to make it even."

Buck - "But now it's three vs. two."

Bob - "You go home old man, we'll sort this out."



Submitted February 24, 2016 at 03:16PM by IMovedYourCheese

I was walking down the street in Heaven, and I saw a guy selling smoothies made of love, joy, and peace

He said they were fruit smoothies.



Submitted February 24, 2016 at 06:58PM by Natch42

A blonde was talking to her redhead friend about her boyfriends dandruff problem...

The redhead says "why don't you give him head and shoulders."

The blonde replies "how do you give shoulders?"



Submitted February 24, 2016 at 04:44PM by IrishRoller

Why did the Mexican train driver kill all of his passengers?

I'm not sure, but he must of had a loco motive.



Submitted February 24, 2016 at 04:55PM by Rywell

My wife gained more than 100 pounds during pregnancy, so I started walking 5 miles every day to encourage her.

It's been three months and now I'm over 300 miles away from home.



Submitted February 24, 2016 at 02:32PM by rosenbergstein

What do you eat off of a tectonic plate?

A Continental breakfast.



Submitted February 24, 2016 at 01:59PM by flobadoba33

My best Catholic joke (as told by my priest)

A town decided to form a clergy group to have Catholics, Jews, Protestants and Muslims gather to talk about various issues facing their places of worship. The Rabbi went first and said they were having a terrible issue with squirrels. He said they were hanging around outside of church and aggressively begging for food. He said they were scaring their kids. The preacher said they were having the same issue, in fact, a few of the squirrels had actually gotten inside of the church and had done some damage to the roof. The Imam agreed saying that in fact one of the squirrels had bitten a few people at the mosque. The Priest then spoke up and said they used to have the same issue but had solved it. He said they took all of their squirrels, Baptized them, confirmed them, and now they only come around on Christmas and Easter.



Submitted February 24, 2016 at 03:07PM by yankeetider1

What tastes likes red paint and smells like red paint?

blue paint



Submitted February 24, 2016 at 04:17PM by alexrtay

You ever have sex in outer space ?

I heard it's out of this world.



Submitted February 24, 2016 at 02:16PM by Josephthebear

Calvin's Father is my role model

I totally believe in parenting similar to Calvin's father. As such, when my 6 year old son came to me and asked me why his index finger was shorter than his middle, I rationally explained to him that it had to be shorter because he'd poke his brain when he picked his nose.

It's been 3 weeks and he still believes me. :D



Submitted February 24, 2016 at 03:01PM by DavidTigerFan

I'm not racist! I have like 3 friends!

And five of them are black.



Submitted February 24, 2016 at 01:30PM by KingCroutonL

Didn't I???

A lonely woman, aged 70, decided that it was time to get married. She put an ad in the local paper that read:

HUSBAND WANTED! MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's), MUST NOT BEAT ME, MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME, AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED! ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.

On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman with no arms or legs sitting in a wheelchair. The old woman said, "You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you.... you have no legs!" The old man smiled, "Therefore I cannot run around on you!"

She snorted. "You don't have any hands either!" Again the old man smiled, "Nor can I beat you!"

She raised an eyebrow and gazed intently. "Are you still good in bed?" With that, the old gentleman leaned back, beamed a big broad smile and said, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"



Submitted February 24, 2016 at 01:14PM by CIsSharp

People who use Apple products are constantly reminding you that they use Apple products.

Sent from my iPhone.



Submitted February 24, 2016 at 11:23AM by DruidQ

My wife forgot to order her absentee ballot for Super Tuesday.

I said we ought to drive down to Georgia, but we also have to get back to where we live shortly thereafter.

Looks like it's going to be a turn and Bern.



Submitted February 24, 2016 at 11:50AM by gothmog1114

What's the oldest known unit of binary data storage?

A trilobyte!



Submitted February 24, 2016 at 12:01PM by ThaBadfish

Google+ is the gym of social networking.

We all join, but nobody actually uses it.



Submitted February 24, 2016 at 08:39AM by fdkhan1947

My daughter received $46 cash in a birthday card

She commented, "that's an odd amount." I told her for being a math honors student, I would think she'd recognize that 46 is an even number.

She rated my comment a 6 out of 10 on the Dad joke scale.



Submitted February 24, 2016 at 10:57AM by JoMaicanMeCrazy