Submitted January 31, 2016 at 07:15PM by Ewrm
The Jewish man stands up and socks the Chinese man in the face. The Chinese man says, "What was that for!?". The Jewish man replies "That was for Pearl Harbor!". The Chinese man says "That was the Japanese you idiot!". The Jewish man says "Chinese, Japanese they are all the same".
A few minutes later the Chinese man stands up and socks the Jewish man in the face. The Jewish man yells "What was that for!?" The Chinese man responds "For sinking the Titanic!". The Jewish man says "That was an iceberg you idiot!". The Chinese man responds "Iceberg, Goldberg, they are all the same.
"Why? Does it do tricks?"
...Police say it's impossible to tell if the act was committed by Trump's opponents or supporters.
One has the iPad and the other eye patch.
Credit to my brother, who is a dad.
Me: What? What do you want? (angrily)
Me: What do you need? You're calling my name.
Roommate: Is your name John Jacob Jingl-
Me: His name is my name too! Now what do you want.
Everyone was commenting on how good the poached eggs were, and with a dead straight face I say:
"Yeah, poached eggs used to be so popular until they nearly went extinct... Thank god for scrambled."
Dad jokes always break the ice.
Kids were rolling after that one - Dad-Joke Sense of Humor Generation v2 - Mission Accomplished
But it wasn’t until I spanked a statue that I knew I’d hit rock bottom.
She looked surprised.
So after 10 minutes of us receiving or food, the waitress asks "Did everything come out okay?" And my dad replies with this:
"You're asking that so early! We've barely even eaten and we're supposed to know how it came out?"
She says, ‘This is your lucky night. I’ve got a special game for you. I’ll do absolutely anything you want for £300 as long as you can say it in three words.’ The guy replies, ‘Hey, why not?’ He pulls his wallet out of his pocket and lays £300 on the bar, and says slowly. ‘Paint…my….house.’
We're laying in bed and my hand finds her boob. Her- Why are you always grabbing my boobs? Me- I'm just being supportive.
She rolled her eyes so hard while I died of laughter
"That's not true," she replied,
"Of course it is," I laughed, "What do you mean?"
She said, "I'm a man."
He goes to the pastor in his local church one morning and says: "Pastor, I am in desperate need of work. Is there any kind of job you can give me, despite my obvious disability?" The pastor, with a cheeky grin, points to the churches bell tower and says: "You see that bell up in the tower? If you can ring that for me every day precisely at noon, I will pay you $20 a day. Can you do that for me?" The no armed man hesitates, but the offer of $20 a day sounds too promising, so he agrees.
Later that day, he makes his way up to the bell tower but alas, cannot pull the rope for obvious reasons. However, he does not give up. Being a quick thinker, the man takes a stance in front of the bell, and begins repeatedly bashing his face into the bell. Success! the bell rings on the strike of noon, and a slightly dizzy no armed man returns downstairs, where a very confused pastor lives up to his promise and grants him $20.
This process continues for several weeks. Every day at noon, the man would head to the bell tower and bash his face into the solid metal for it to chime, and then the pastor would pay him. Over time, however, this method began damaging the mans head, both inside and out. Bruises were always constant, and the pastor began noticing the man would slur his speech, look deranged and have trouble walking in a straight line. But there were no complaints, and the man, though a bit slower by the day, was still getting paid happily, so it continued.
On one fateful day, however, the man once again staggers up the stairs to reach the bell tower as noon approached. He took his normal stance, ready to smash his head once again into the giant chiming machine. However, on this fateful day, he succumbs to the damage, and as he charges at the bell, he staggers so much that he completely misses the target. His momentum takes him right over the shallow wall of the tower and he plummets to the ground. He is killed instantly.
A crowd of people begin to gather around the no armed man's body, including a police officer. A woman looks at the body, horrified, and asks "Oh my god, does anybody know who this man is?" The police officer looks at the dead man and replies "I don't know him, but his face rings a bell."
It completely ruined our ten year anniversary dinner.
Now, I was recently sick and had some diarrhea, and my boyfriend wanted us to be cowboys for a costume party.
My response: "I won't be able to wear assless chaps until I have a chapless ass."
She tooted at the breakfast table and I told her to say "excuse me", and she did.
Then she says, "when you toot at the table you have to say 'excuse everybody'
To be honest, I should have seen the signs.
The proof is in the pudding
Because it speaks for itself.
....she's 27 and her name is Heather.
Tell a woman she's fat once and she will remember it for the rest of her life because elephants never forget.
At dinner, my father in law was talking about how he has a catch-up 401K and can contribute extra each year. I told him to be careful and that he should maybe diversify with a mustard 401K as well.
Bill and his wife Julie were going through financial crisis. Bill suggested Julie to become a hooker.
Julie was not sure how to start that, so Bill said, "Stand near that pillar and pick up a guy. Tell him your rate is $200. If you got any question, I'll be parked around the corner".
Within couple of minutes a black guy pulls up and asked, "How much?"
"Shigh, I have only $120"
"Hold on"... wife runs back to Bill.
"What can he get in $120".
"A handjob" Bill said.
Wife runs back and tells the guys he will get a handjob in $120. Black guy agrees. She gets in the car, he unzips his pants and here is the biggest schlong ever.
She stares it for a minute and says, "Hold on, I will be right back".
She runs back to her husband and says, "Bill can you please lend him $80"
Somebody turned the heat up too high, now it's the Meltin' John exhibit.
...so I went to Goodwill and got all her clothes back.
A farmer was sitting in the neighborhood bar getting drunk. A man came in and asked the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day, getting drunk?" The farmer shook his head and replied, "Some things you just can't explain."
"So what happened that's so horrible?" the man asked as he sat down next to the farmer. "Well," the farmer said, "today I was sitting by my cow, milking her. Just as I got the bucket full, she lifted her left leg and kicked over the bucket."
"Okay," said the man, "but that's not so bad." "Some things you just can't explain," the farmer replied. "So what happened then?" the man asked. The farmer said, "I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left." "And then?"
"Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket."
The man laughed and said, "Again?" The farmer replied, "Some things you just can't explain."
"So, what did you do then?" the man asked.
"I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right." "And then?" "Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as I got the bucket full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail."
"Hmmm," the man said and nodded his head. "Some things you just can't explain," the farmer said. "So, what did you do?" the man asked.
"Well," the farmer said, "I didn't have anymore rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in ... Some things you just can't explain."
Me: What are you writing cheques for?
Her: Rent, loan, the usual. Why?
Me: Just checking...
But I get in trouble when i say "Damn gays".
Dad: "Who the hell told everyone?!"
Pb & J.
We met up at a restaurant, and I ordered some kind of fancy taco. Halfway through the meal, he looks over at the dribbling mess my taco had become and says, "Looks like your taco has a leak."
I carefully set the taco down, opened it up, peered at it for a moment, and replied, "Nope, I think that's an onion."
DONT JUMP YOU HAVE SO MUCH POTENTIAL
Us having a pure hear-say conversation until this point:
Him: "Yeah, no, suicide rates are definitely going up in celebrities. They were awhile before Robins died actually."
Him: "Yeah. Just recently, some girl stabbed herself in her trailer's kitchenette. She was in Walk the Line, blonde blue eyes an-"
Me: "Reese Witherspoon?"
Him: "No, with a knife."
You win this time.
"Did you know that your aunt once had a bologna cast?"
"What? What's a bologna cast?"
"You know, a bologna cast!"
"Why would they make a cast out of bologna?!?"
"Because she hurt herself below the knee!"
Me: "So the floor attacked you!" Daughter: "Daaaaaad!"
Lovely woman, terrible sandwiches.
he said that would be delightful
They were just two tired to show up.
Asks his wife, "Will you marry again?"
She says she supposes so, eventually.
"Will he sleep in our bed"?
She says of course he will.
"Will you let him use my golf clubs?"
"No, he couldn't use them. He's left handed."
But I can only walk so fast.
So I put her in my new smart fridge
Me: "I guess we've just never had the time."
My long haired cat got some poop in his fur near his butt and I grabbed a scissors to cut the hair out.(It's easiest this way).
My girlfriend says "Are you about to harvest some dingle berries?"
like how she got a job right out of college.
"What's a matter baby?"
"Nothing, I'm fine sweetie. How are you?"
One you will see later and the other you will see after a while.
I took my dad to the mall to grab some lunch, and at the next table there was a teenager with spiked hair in all different colors, red, orange, green, blue, etc. The teenager caught my dad staring a few times and said "What's the matter old man, haven't done anything wild in your life?" with a smug smirk on his face. I quickly swallowed my food so I wouldn't choke when my dad responded. "Sure I have" he said, sounding bored, "I once got drunk off my ass and fucked a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son"
This happened a number of years ago. I asked him what he was doing on the street corner. (Knowing the answer, considering where I was.)
He said "I'm just trying to make 10 bucks so I can go home." That seemed pretty low for a strapping younger man such as himself.
I said "Dude... don't sell yourself short."
He brought out a lizard to show everyone, then a second one of the same type.
I turned to my wife.
Me: "Look! He's got dual monitors!"
My son groaned and my work was done.
That way if she doesnt like the shoes she can go fuck herself.
Girlfriend: "I'm sick of you pretending you're a tranformer. I'm leaving you."
Me: "No baby wait, I can change..."
Girlfriend: "See! There you go again!"
Trying to get into smaller pants
Alien vs Predator.
...he didn't habanero.
15 minutes ago from non other than Papa Bear. Thanks, dad!
Washed a Ton State.
I woke up with that joke in my head this morning. My brain is weird. Had to share it with someone.
My mom is going in for a colonoscopy this morning. Maybe a polyp, maybe cancer, maybe not.
I hugged her this morning and said "Good luck."
She replied "Oh, thanks. I hope it'll come out alright in the end."
I was devastated. Damn!
whilst crossing over rail road tracks What how is that so?
It left it's Tracks behind.
26 years old. Still fucking fall for it
My brother is at a hospital and sees a therapist regularly. He gets one phone call a day and it's my personal objective to get him to laugh every day.
Bro: I should probably get going, the therapist gave me some homework to do.
Me: Yeah, you don't wanna make her therapist off.
I got a good laugh from him.
So I laid on the floor in the kitchen after deep cleaning the entire house and yelled
"HOW DID THIS TRASH GET ON THE FLOOR?!?!?!"
Mind you, she's already mid rant about having to clean anything else at this point...and her walking in to see only me laying there almost got me divorced.
Girlfriend: "I'm sick of you pretending you're a detective. I think we should split up."
Me: "Good idea. We can cover more ground that way."
He sits down and proceeds to take each of the three ducks out of the bag and stand them on the bartop. Then he goes to the restroom.
The bartender sees this, and knowing he should mind his own business, can't help but introduce himself. The gets down to eye level with the first duck and says, "Hello there, little duck. What's your name?"
"The name's Huey."
"Pleased to meet you, Huey. How's your day?"
"Pretty good. We went to the park and we've been in and out of puddles all day."
"Oh, that's nice," says the bartender. He moves to the second duck and says, "And what's your name, little guy?"
"The name's Dewey."
"Well hello, Dewey. How's your day been?"
"Fine, just fine. Went to the park. Been in and out of puddles all day."
"Well that sounds like great fun." The bartender looks to the last duck. "Let me guess. Your name is Louie, right?"
The third duck looks up and says,
"No, dammit. The name's Puddles and I'm in no mood to talk about my day alright?!"
A new woman joins their Club. When she hears the guys talking about their golf round, she says, "I played on my college's golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week? " No one wants to say 'yes', but they're on the spot. Finally, one man says, "Okay, but we start at 6:30 am." He figures the early tee-time will discourage her. The woman says this may be a problem, and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late. They roll their eyes, but say, "Okay." She's there at 6:30 am sharp, and beats all of them with an eye-opening 2-under-par round. She's fun and pleasant, and the guys are impressed. They congratulate her and invite her back the next week. She smiles, and says, "I'll be there at 6:30 or 6:45." The next week she again shows up at 6:30 sharp. Only this time, she plays left-handed. The three guys are incredulous as she still beats them with an even-par round, despite playing with her off-hand. They're totally amazed. They can't figure her out. She's very pleasant and a gracious winner. They invite her back again, but each man harbors a burning desire to beat her. The third week, she's 15 minutes late, which irritates the guys. This week she plays right-handed, and narrowly beats all three of them. The men grumble that her late arrival is petty gamesmanship on her part. However, she's so charming and complimentary of their strong play,they can't hold a grudge. This woman is a riddle no one can figure out. They have a couple of beers in the Clubhouse, and finally, one of the men asks her, "How do you decide if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?" The lady blushes, and grins. "When my Dad taught me to play golf, I learned I was ambidextrous," she replies. "I like to switch back and forth. "When I got married after college, I discovered my husband always sleeps in the nude. From then on, I developed a silly habit. Right before I leave in the morning for golf practice, I pull the covers off him. If his willie points to the right, I golf right-handed; if it points to the left, I golf left-handed." The guys think this is hysterical. Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys says, "What if it's pointing straight up?" She says, "Then, I'm fifteen minutes late."
Deservedly so, I don't know shit.
Lady: Excuse me, could you help me find some tomatoes?
Clerk: Sorry, but we are fresh out.
Lady: You don't understand, I need these tomatoes, could you check in the back for me?
Clerk: I am sure we don't have any, but I will go look.
The clerk goes to the back and comes back.
Clerk: Sorry, there aren't any in the back.
Lady: But you don't understand, I NEED these.
Clerk: Lady, you're just not getting it. Let me explain it to you this way. What do you get when you take the "blue" out of blueberries?
Clerk: Okay, what do you get when you take the "Straw" out of strawberries?
Clerk: Now what do you get when you take the "fuck" out of tomatoes?
The lady pauses for a moment...
Lady: There's no fuck in tomatoes!
Clerk: That is what I have been trying to tell you!"
a significant portion of them would drown.
Net fish and krill
My girlfriend, little girl, brother and I were all deciding what to eat for dinner.
There is a new Pho place in town, and we have never been there.
Me: "We should have Pho! Do yall want to try some noodles?
Girlfriend: "No, I don't think I'm a pho person. Although... if we all went, we'd be PHO people!"
AHHHH. I gotta marry this one.
Dad: Man! I'm so thirsty I can drink Canada Dry!
Me: "I'm forcing friendship. I friended you on Facebook" Her: "I won't stand for this." Me: "Well, it's a good thing you're sitting in a chair." Cue me being the only one laughing. Me: "You have to admit, that was pretty good." Her: "It was alright." Me: "But it's not because I have a left arm and a left leg, so I can't be alright." Her: "This just needs to stop"
Gave the test today:
"Number one. Labor. (pause). Labor?! I hardly know her! (pause.) Labor. Number two. Refrigerator. (slightly longer pause). Refrigerator?! I hardly know her! (pause, laugh uncontrollably, regain composure). Refrigerator. Number three. Shatter. Shatter?! (start laughing before I can even get it out) I HARDLY KNOW HER!!!!! (incredibly long/intense fit of laughter, kids are not amused in the slightest). Ahem. Shatter. Number four..."
20 words on that spelling list. My sides hurt.
A group of blondes walk into a bar and order a round of beers. They laugh and congratulate one another and finish their drinks. One blonde says to the bar tender "Another round, on me!" The bartender gets them another round of drinks and they continue to be lively and cheery and before long, finish their drinks. Another blonde says "Bartender, another round please!". The bartender walks over and says "I'll get you another round of drinks, but you have to tell me what you're celebrating." The blonde says "Well, we just finished competing a puzzle." "A puzzle?" Says the bartender, "How long did it take you?" The blonde replies "Six months". "Six months!" Exclaimes the bartender, "That's a long time for one puzzle." The blonde says. "That's not long at all, on the box it says three to four years!"
I was offered sex with a 21 year old girl today. In exchange for that, I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner. Of course I declined because I am a person with high moral standards with a strong willpower. Just as strong as Ajax, the super strong bathroom cleaner. Now available with scented lemon or vanilla at your nearest drug and convenience store. Act now and save 1.50 off your next purchase.
The Trump card.
The night before the wedding the admiral approaches his daughter.
"You know I served in the navy for 40 years and the guys are great. But being out at sea for so long they get into some funny stuff. I want you to have a happy marriage but promise me that if he ever asks you to do it the other way you will refuse"
"What do you mean? What's the other way?"
"Never you mind what it is. Just promise me that if he ever asks you to do it the other way, you will say no"
"Ok dad I promise."
They hug and prepare for the big day.
The young couple get married and like all newlyweds have a very active sex life. But every day the daughter is getting ever more curious about what "the other way" is.
After a year, she turns to her husband and says
"Honey. For our first anniversary, I was hoping we could try something different. Could we do it the other way?"
Her husband looks shocked and yells
"What??? And risk you getting pregnant???"
We were at the table eating dinner when I glanced at the advertisements for grocery stores. I read the ad wrong and said:
Me: I read that wrong, its gala or pink lady apples, not Lady Gaga apples.
Wife: I dont know about Lady Gaga apples, but I know about Lady Gaga tomatoes.
Wife: Ro-ma, ro-ma-ma.
Dad: Microsoft is releasing a new browser that we are all trying to ban, but will prove difficult due to its widespread use, its called:
Me:(holding poplar board) This is one of our biggest sellers
Me: Yep, it's one of our most poplar items!
*cue groans *
Me: Sorry, I feel like I made an ash of myself with that joke. I was just pining for attention.
I don't remember the punchline, but orange you glad I didn't say "Knock, knock"?
I still wish she didn't have one though.
I have 20/20 vision.
But Hitler made 6,000,000 jews toast
Me: "So, with the new diet do you have to believe everything people tell you now?"
Me: "Well, you can't take anything with a grain of salt anymore."
On one hand, you have a watch...
But on the other hand, you have a watch.
As the title says, I was finishing dinner, shared a couple glasses of wine with the parents, and we were watching Shark Tank. It was a rerun episode about these two guys from chicago who wanted to sell this trackless locomotive that goes around malls, stadiums arenas, what have you.
My Ma and I were going back and forth about how it was a dumb idea and agreed with the Sharks, it was just too small for them to invest in. My Ma, who I swear after 30 years of marriage with my father, share a single synapse related to the dadjoke portion of the brain, assuming in that hazy area between the creative hemisphere, and analytical hemisphere. Anyways, Pops is a man of few words, and shot this zinger that went over like a lead balloon.
Ma: "I'd only invest in this idea if those bozos made the last cart a place where the parents could ride along and drink".
Dad: "you mean the ca-booze?"
Dad: "You know... caboose, booze, cabo.."
Ma: "Yes Roy, we ALL got it".
Chapters is a book store up here in Canada. A checkout line just opened so we were the first in the line. After paying, the receipt was taking a while to print. The cashier remarked "it's the first printing" to which I replied "ooh those are normally worth more!"
The cashier didn't know what to say and my wife rolled her eyes so hard it looked like she was going to have a stroke.
because she wasn't my wife until we were married.
One of my dad's favorites.
One’s a Goodyear. The other’s a great year.
We went to a bar that had a bunch of board games and decided to play Battleship.
Me: "You ate what?"
Her: ". . . wow."
And yes, she agreed to a second date, even after that.
There was a guy with a wooden eye so he didn't have a lot of confidence. So he was too nervous to ask women out. One day his friend introduced him to a woman with a hair lip, so he decided to ask her out. She responded, "Would I? Would i?" So he replied, "Hair lip! Hair lip!"
So at least twice a month I go out to eat a this place called "Crazy Bowls and Wraps", often taking my son. I've had this prepared joke for years but I've never had the courage use it. My son has forbade me to every do it in front of him but last night when I saw this new register girl I just went for it.
Register Girl: "Hi what can I get for you?"
Me: "Uhh...do you guys have like bowls and wraps...stuff like that?"
Son: "Dad no please..."
Register Girl: "Well...yes we do. Of course."
Me: "Hm...that's crazy."
This was a couple years ago, my dad and I were at my sister's little league game.
pitch goes by, called a ball
Parents watching game: "good eye, good eye"
My dad: "is it just me or are there a lot of Australians here today?"
Background: My priest and cantor came to bless my house today. Afterwards, we were talking a bit and he made a pretty funny joke. I laughed and said "That's a pretty funny dad joke!"
His response: "That's Father Joke to you."
Cue the eye roll and forehead slap from the cantor.
Now I stand corrected.
The bartender says, "Ah, Senator Cruz, what are you having?"
My SO was making pico de gallo and having me and our housemates try it, she was asking what we thought it needed.
more lemon? more lime?
I got asked what I think
I don't know, I'm not really a pico de guy yo.
Thought of this in traffic yesterday
"So, it was a good deal, but no cigar"
"So, it was a good deal, but no cigar"
They performed unspeakable acts on me.
The Spanish Inquisition.
One of my friends was a sailor in the navy many moons ago. He was out on deployment for long periods of time, and being a ship without women, he was naturally frisky.
They arrived at an island to resupply and the crew were given leave - so he makes his way to the nearest tavern and enquires of the barmaid
'Where can I find a brothel around here?'
To which the barmaid replies
"I'm afraid you won't find any such establishment around here. Missionaries came through several years back and we've all but converted."
He left the bar and began aimlessly wandering around the island. As night fell he decided to climb one last hill before heading back to the ship. As he reached the crest of the hill, he noticed a shack all alone with a sign reading:
"Singing blowjobs: $5"
Excitedly he knocks on the door. The door opens and a little old lady looks up at him. He recoils a little and thinks to himself that maybe this wasn't such a good idea. The old lady grins and asks
"Ooooh. Here for the singing blowjob are we?".
'N-no. I have the wrong place, sorry' he stammers.
"Ooooh no, you'll be wanting the blowjob. Come on in. Come on", she says.
He hands her the $5 and enters the shack. The door closes to veritable darkness and he unzips his fly. The singing begins and the lady goes to work to a resounding crescendo. Baffled by how such a thing is possible he asks
'How were you able to do that?!'
"Old family secret" she laughs, half speaking to herself.
Relieved but curious, he leaves and returns the next evening. He knocks on the door and the old woman answers
"Back again are we? I expect you'll be after the singing blowjob!" she enquires.
'Yes, yes. Here is the $5' he says, handing the money over and closing the door behind him. The singing begins and an amazing blowjob follows. He enquires again how such a thing is possible, only to be met with the same reply.
The next day the ship leaves port and they sail out on their next mission. He tells all his friends of the singing blowjob, to which most of them laugh and mock him. He remains adamant it was real and that he'd find out the secret.
Years pass and they chance upon the same island again. The ship docks and he runs to the hilltop to find the shack standing there, with the same sign.
He knocks on the door and the old woman answers again. She looks up at him, and then realisation lights up in her eyes
"Ooooh! I remember you. You'll be wanting the singing blowjob! Come in, come in!", she says.
'No, I just want to know how you do it!' he demands.
"Family secret, can't tell. Can't tell" she replies, smiling and laughing to herself.
'Alright, alright. Here is your money' he says, determined to uncover the truth. He hands her the money and heads inside the dark shack. The singing begins and he tries to focus on his surroundings, looking for a radio or television -- anything which might produce the sound. Before long he is lost in the ecstasy and forgets all about looking. The woman finishes the job, and he leaves.
Frustrated and adamant to uncover the truth, he decides to bring a torch with him the following evening to finally get to the bottom of the family secret.
The following evening he rushes up the hill with a torch in his back pocket. Knocking on the door, he is received by the old woman again
"Back again are we? The singing blowjob it will be?" she grins.
'Fine. Yes. Here is your money' he says, pushing the money at her and closing the door behind him. The singing begins and the woman goes to work. For a moment he nearly loses himself to the feeling and forgets to look around.
Regaining his senses, he fumbles in his back pocket and pulls the torch out. Flicking it on, he casts it down to the table in front of him and the first thing he sees - a glass eyeball.
An old drover walks into a barber shop in Black Stump Crossing, NT, Aussie, for a shave and a haircut.
He tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.
The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells the old drover to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.
When he's finished, the old drover tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he'd had in yonks, but he wanted to know what would have happened if he had accidentally swallowed that little ball.
The barber replied, "Just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does."
"Sir, I can't really get a Handel on all of this, can we go Bach a bit?" I laughed, teacher rolled his eyes and kept talking as if it was never asked.
After I ordered my breakfast this morning and saw the total on the screen, my plan was hatched. I pulled up to the first window and the attendant told me my total.
"$7.11," he said.
"Circle K," I replied as I handed him my debit card.
My daughter actually laughed as she witnessed this one. All I usually get out of her is an eye roll.
And orders some food, after his meal the server comes out and asks how everything was and the panda bear pulls a gun a shoots him. The manager comes out and says "hey man what's going on?" The panda bear replies "I'm a panda bear Google it.." and leaves. The manager curiously Googled panda bear and was reading "panda bear: black and white bear, eats chutes and leaves."
I could immediately feel it getting wetter and wetter.
I took my finger back out and within seconds she was going down on me.
"I really need a new fucking boat," I thought to myself.
My Dad has always been a bit cool (plays in bands, hangs around with much younger guys etc) but at the weekend, on his 67th birthday, he FINALLY Dad joked me.
We were talking about the local rugby team and I said "They're playing a French team. I think it's Toulouse?" He said "That's not very positive is it? Playing to lose." "No wait," I said, checking the website, "They're playing Toulon!" "Ohh, well in that case, it won't be a short game...."
I finally feel like a proper daughter.
I'm gonna miss tumblr
Better call Solo
I was at the boyfriends and his bed is like a foot from the wall. Just box spring and mattress right now since he moved this week. I was laying on it and I sneezed into my arm, and kinda rolled into it so as to aim away from him. Of course I rolled off the bed because I didn't realize how close I was. Laughed, climbed out, things were good.
He said something snarky, I said "better watch it or I'll throw you in my dungeon" referring to the space between the bed. He said "what, where you sneezed everywhere?" and I said "oh yeah. I'm gonna do snotty things to you in there." all he could do was shake his head.
This never happens to me. I was in a hardware store (B&Q) returning a wrong item I bought for my boss & was waiting patiently at the customer returns counter with a few other customers ahead of me.
The guy in front was a middle-aged dude (a Dad, if you will) who had come to ask them about some lights he had bought 6 years ago & whether they had the same ones still in stock.
The lady behind the counter was new and was getting increasingly confused with the computer-till. Everyone was in good spirits (I'm in the UK, we know how to queue) and I was happy to be out of the office so we just waited. I saw it coming a mile away.
The dude in front of me was showing the store clerk the unopened box of the bulb he wanted to return for his lights, whilst she was having no luck with the computer and called for help. A second, and then a third store employee we gathered around the computer trying to figure it out.
It was right there on the tip of my tongue. I'm an anxious guy, so I was shaking with a handful of people around me, ready to go out in all my glory with the line...".
BUT HE GOT THERE FIRST! The dude calmly turned to the queue and smirked, "How many B&Q employees does it take to change a lightbulb? Am I right?"
TL;DR Got out-Dad'd
The child asks,
"Mommy, what were you doing bouncing on daddy's stomach last night?"
The mother replies,
"I have to do that, or else daddy's belly gets very fat. Bouncing keeps him skinny."
"That's not going to work, you silly!" responds the child.
"Why not?" asks the mother.
"Because the babysitter keeps blowing him back up again."
You get your palm red for free
Because he's in charge.
She glances down the hall, closes his door, and kneels pleadingly. "I would do anything to pass this exam." She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes. "I mean..." she whispers, "I would do... anything."
He returns her gaze. "Anything?"
His voice softens. "Anything??"
His voice turns to a whisper. "Would you... study?"
Three bulls heard the rancher was bringing another bull onto the ranch.
First Bull: "I've been here five years. I'm not giving this new bull any of my 100 cows."
Second Bull: "I've been here three years and have earned my right to 50 cows. I'm keeping all my cows."
Third Bull: "I've only been here a year, and so far, you guys have only let me have 10 cows. I may not be as big as you fellows, but I'm keeping all 10 of my cows."
Just then an 18-wheeler pulls up in the pasture carrying the biggest bull they've ever seen. At 4,700 pounds, each step he takes strains the steel ramp.
First Bull: "I think I can spare a few cows for our new friend."
Second Bull: "I actually have too many cows to take care of. I can spare a few. I'm certainly not looking for an argument."
They look over at the third bull and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns and snorting.
First Bull: "Son, don't be foolish -- let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it."
Third Bull: "Hell, he can have all my cows. I'm just making sure he knows I'm a bull."