Sunday, January 31, 2016

How I reacted to the Fine Bros controversy...


Submitted January 31, 2016 at 07:15PM by Ewrm

A Jewish man and a Chinese man are drinking at a bar.

The Jewish man stands up and socks the Chinese man in the face. The Chinese man says, "What was that for!?". The Jewish man replies "That was for Pearl Harbor!". The Chinese man says "That was the Japanese you idiot!". The Jewish man says "Chinese, Japanese they are all the same".

A few minutes later the Chinese man stands up and socks the Jewish man in the face. The Jewish man yells "What was that for!?" The Chinese man responds "For sinking the Titanic!". The Jewish man says "That was an iceberg you idiot!". The Chinese man responds "Iceberg, Goldberg, they are all the same.

Submitted January 31, 2016 at 11:57PM by Shinokiba-

My dad was washing dishes and I had to squeeze past him. "Hey, Dad, watch your back."

"Why? Does it do tricks?"

Submitted January 31, 2016 at 10:55PM by CreamyGoodnss

A swastika has been spray painted over Donald Trump's star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame...

...Police say it's impossible to tell if the act was committed by Trump's opponents or supporters.

Submitted January 31, 2016 at 09:06PM by SuperCub

What is the difference between Steve Jobs and a pirate?

One has the iPad and the other eye patch.

Credit to my brother, who is a dad.

Submitted January 31, 2016 at 10:23PM by Oh_so_Trajan

How does Mario talk to the dead?

With a luigi board.

Made this joke up about 10 years ago while trying to think of terrible laffy taffy jokes.

Submitted January 31, 2016 at 07:35PM by lookitskeith

Why was Russia late to the UN meeting?

Stalin, as always

Submitted January 31, 2016 at 10:29PM by doebro

"How much is a 100mL?"

My mom asked,

"About 1 deciliter." I replied

High five from dad and groans from my mom and the table near us.

Submitted January 31, 2016 at 08:24PM by UnmortalBeing

When my roommate is for some reason talking about John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt-

Me: What? What do you want? (angrily)

Roommate: ...

Me: What do you need? You're calling my name.

Roommate: Is your name John Jacob Jingl-

Me: His name is my name too! Now what do you want.

Submitted January 31, 2016 at 08:39PM by EwokStomper

Was having a brunch with a group of new friends

Everyone was commenting on how good the poached eggs were, and with a dead straight face I say:

"Yeah, poached eggs used to be so popular until they nearly went extinct... Thank god for scrambled."

Dad jokes always break the ice.

Submitted January 31, 2016 at 09:35PM by Tropicole

I failed my chemistry lab exam.

I was in the middle of performing a chemical reaction but I got sued by the Fine Bros.

Submitted January 31, 2016 at 07:18PM by Isunova

[STAR WARS]: What do you call a Jedi with a watergun?


Kids were rolling after that one - Dad-Joke Sense of Humor Generation v2 - Mission Accomplished

Submitted January 31, 2016 at 09:30PM by RSPikachu

My sexual desires have been getting out of control…

But it wasn’t until I spanked a statue that I knew I’d hit rock bottom.

Submitted January 31, 2016 at 05:12PM by Renxer

I told my friend that she messed up when she drew on her eyebrows.

She looked surprised.

Submitted January 31, 2016 at 05:33PM by elerico

Red Lobster with my dad.

So after 10 minutes of us receiving or food, the waitress asks "Did everything come out okay?" And my dad replies with this:

"You're asking that so early! We've barely even eaten and we're supposed to know how it came out?"

Submitted January 31, 2016 at 05:40PM by Modesties

They thought I was an english teacher...

because I told them I was a "Pro Grammer"

Submitted January 31, 2016 at 04:49PM by shelvac2

Two parrots...

...on a perch. One says to the other: Can you smell fish?

Submitted January 31, 2016 at 03:18PM by DivinePrinterGod

What would vegetables say if they were God?

I am the Alfalfa and the Omega.

Submitted January 31, 2016 at 03:31PM by roasticle

A guy meets a sex worker in a bar.

She says, ‘This is your lucky night. I’ve got a special game for you. I’ll do absolutely anything you want for £300 as long as you can say it in three words.’ The guy replies, ‘Hey, why not?’ He pulls his wallet out of his pocket and lays £300 on the bar, and says slowly. ‘Paint…my….house.’

Submitted January 31, 2016 at 12:33PM by museofdoom2

Got my girlfriend good this morning

We're laying in bed and my hand finds her boob. Her- Why are you always grabbing my boobs? Me- I'm just being supportive.

She rolled her eyes so hard while I died of laughter

Submitted January 31, 2016 at 02:40PM by Zergalergaderg

I'm starting to hate the U.S. government

The NSA appears to be the only department which listens

Submitted January 31, 2016 at 12:31PM by meepcanon

Where did Eisenhower put his armies?

In his sleevies

Submitted January 31, 2016 at 01:20PM by frogger3344

"You are the first woman that has ever given me an orgasm." I told the prostitute.

"That's not true," she replied,

"Of course it is," I laughed, "What do you mean?"

She said, "I'm a man."

Submitted January 31, 2016 at 11:32AM by TommehBoi

I invented a new word.


Submitted January 31, 2016 at 11:00AM by Thisnickname

A man with no arms is homeless and looking for a job.

He goes to the pastor in his local church one morning and says: "Pastor, I am in desperate need of work. Is there any kind of job you can give me, despite my obvious disability?" The pastor, with a cheeky grin, points to the churches bell tower and says: "You see that bell up in the tower? If you can ring that for me every day precisely at noon, I will pay you $20 a day. Can you do that for me?" The no armed man hesitates, but the offer of $20 a day sounds too promising, so he agrees.

Later that day, he makes his way up to the bell tower but alas, cannot pull the rope for obvious reasons. However, he does not give up. Being a quick thinker, the man takes a stance in front of the bell, and begins repeatedly bashing his face into the bell. Success! the bell rings on the strike of noon, and a slightly dizzy no armed man returns downstairs, where a very confused pastor lives up to his promise and grants him $20.

This process continues for several weeks. Every day at noon, the man would head to the bell tower and bash his face into the solid metal for it to chime, and then the pastor would pay him. Over time, however, this method began damaging the mans head, both inside and out. Bruises were always constant, and the pastor began noticing the man would slur his speech, look deranged and have trouble walking in a straight line. But there were no complaints, and the man, though a bit slower by the day, was still getting paid happily, so it continued.

On one fateful day, however, the man once again staggers up the stairs to reach the bell tower as noon approached. He took his normal stance, ready to smash his head once again into the giant chiming machine. However, on this fateful day, he succumbs to the damage, and as he charges at the bell, he staggers so much that he completely misses the target. His momentum takes him right over the shallow wall of the tower and he plummets to the ground. He is killed instantly.

A crowd of people begin to gather around the no armed man's body, including a police officer. A woman looks at the body, horrified, and asks "Oh my god, does anybody know who this man is?" The police officer looks at the dead man and replies "I don't know him, but his face rings a bell."

Submitted January 31, 2016 at 08:57AM by bostonburrito

NSFW At the restaurant, everyone kept calling me a pedophile just because I'm 52 and my wife is 22......

It completely ruined our ten year anniversary dinner.

Submitted January 31, 2016 at 02:21AM by FunnyConsequences

My boyfriend wants to dress up as cowboys for a party

Now, I was recently sick and had some diarrhea, and my boyfriend wanted us to be cowboys for a costume party.

My response: "I won't be able to wear assless chaps until I have a chapless ass."

Submitted January 31, 2016 at 11:12AM by Great_SaiyaMan

3 year old daughter had a joke at my expense

She tooted at the breakfast table and I told her to say "excuse me", and she did.

Then she says, "when you toot at the table you have to say 'excuse everybody'


Submitted January 31, 2016 at 11:00AM by juksayer

What do they call Sea World in Mexico?

Yes World.

Submitted January 31, 2016 at 10:40AM by ms_steaks

Compliment somebody on their moustache

and all of a sudden she is not your friend anymore.

Submitted January 31, 2016 at 08:21AM by kikiclark

When someone gets a migraine.

Tell them, "Don't worry it's only in your head."

Submitted January 31, 2016 at 08:46AM by wavecontrol

My ex-wife was deaf. She left me for a deaf friend of hers

To be honest, I should have seen the signs.

Submitted January 31, 2016 at 06:15AM by ulaalaa

What happens when you spill tequila at the pudding factory?

The proof is in the pudding

Submitted January 31, 2016 at 07:42AM by handyandy69

What's red and looks like a bucket?

A red bucket!

Submitted January 31, 2016 at 07:32AM by Soviet4077

My dad said he didn't have to explain text-to-speech

Because it speaks for itself.

Submitted January 31, 2016 at 06:20AM by Phisamoe

Why do elephants drink so much?

To forget

Submitted January 31, 2016 at 01:39AM by eclipse666

NSFW My wife demanded that I get a penis enlarger, so I did. ....

....she's 27 and her name is Heather.

Submitted January 31, 2016 at 01:54AM by FunnyConsequences

Saturday, January 30, 2016

My ex wife is like the Mona Lisa

I mean, she's not that pretty or anything, but I would be damn near ecstatic if I came home and found her hanging in the living room

Submitted January 31, 2016 at 12:11AM by Aktionjackson

So a termite walks into a bar and asks, "Where's the bartender?"

No text found

Submitted January 31, 2016 at 12:13AM by ashranyana

I came across a broken escalator the other day

All I could do was stair.

Submitted January 30, 2016 at 10:02PM by 9mmstrat

Tell a woman she's beautiful a hundred times and she won't believe you.

Tell a woman she's fat once and she will remember it for the rest of her life because elephants never forget.

Submitted January 30, 2016 at 10:37PM by Charliejfg04

My FIL was talking about his catch-up 401-K

At dinner, my father in law was talking about how he has a catch-up 401K and can contribute extra each year. I told him to be careful and that he should maybe diversify with a mustard 401K as well.

Submitted January 31, 2016 at 12:19AM by piyoucaneat

New hooker in town.

Bill and his wife Julie were going through financial crisis. Bill suggested Julie to become a hooker.

Julie was not sure how to start that, so Bill said, "Stand near that pillar and pick up a guy. Tell him your rate is $200. If you got any question, I'll be parked around the corner".

Within couple of minutes a black guy pulls up and asked, "How much?"
"Shigh, I have only $120"
"Hold on"... wife runs back to Bill.
"What can he get in $120".
"A handjob" Bill said.

Wife runs back and tells the guys he will get a handjob in $120. Black guy agrees. She gets in the car, he unzips his pants and here is the biggest schlong ever.

She stares it for a minute and says, "Hold on, I will be right back".

She runs back to her husband and says, "Bill can you please lend him $80"

Submitted January 30, 2016 at 09:54PM by rplusj1

Have you guys heard about the Elton John exhibit at the wax museum?

Somebody turned the heat up too high, now it's the Meltin' John exhibit.

Submitted January 30, 2016 at 08:32PM by fe-and-wine

In Iran, everyone's scared of spiders..

But in Iraq, no phobia.

Submitted January 30, 2016 at 06:37PM by MordecaiKravits

My wife's been missing for a week and the police said to prepare for the worst..... I went to Goodwill and got all her clothes back.

Submitted January 30, 2016 at 08:30PM by FunnyConsequences

Some things you just can't explain.

A farmer was sitting in the neighborhood bar getting drunk. A man came in and asked the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day, getting drunk?" The farmer shook his head and replied, "Some things you just can't explain."

"So what happened that's so horrible?" the man asked as he sat down next to the farmer. "Well," the farmer said, "today I was sitting by my cow, milking her. Just as I got the bucket full, she lifted her left leg and kicked over the bucket."

"Okay," said the man, "but that's not so bad." "Some things you just can't explain," the farmer replied. "So what happened then?" the man asked. The farmer said, "I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left." "And then?"

"Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket."

The man laughed and said, "Again?" The farmer replied, "Some things you just can't explain."

"So, what did you do then?" the man asked.

"I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right." "And then?" "Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as I got the bucket full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail."

"Hmmm," the man said and nodded his head. "Some things you just can't explain," the farmer said. "So, what did you do?" the man asked.

"Well," the farmer said, "I didn't have anymore rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in ... Some things you just can't explain."

Submitted January 30, 2016 at 03:25PM by GonzoVeritas

This morning my wife was at the kitchen table filling out cheques...

Me: What are you writing cheques for?

Her: Rent, loan, the usual. Why?

Me: Just checking...

<stunned silence>

Submitted January 30, 2016 at 06:45PM by DV8_2XL

I don't get why people are allowed to say "Damn straight"

But I get in trouble when i say "Damn gays".

Submitted January 30, 2016 at 02:49PM by penguinsweg

Kid: DAD! What's the motto of the US Secret Service?

Dad: "Who the hell told everyone?!"

Submitted January 30, 2016 at 06:19PM by FortyYearOldVirgin

What do you get when you put jelly into Flint, Michigan's water supply?

Pb & J.

Submitted January 30, 2016 at 03:35PM by averageanomaly

After years of torment, I finally got my dad back at lunch today

We met up at a restaurant, and I ordered some kind of fancy taco. Halfway through the meal, he looks over at the dribbling mess my taco had become and says, "Looks like your taco has a leak."

I carefully set the taco down, opened it up, peered at it for a moment, and replied, "Nope, I think that's an onion."

Submitted January 30, 2016 at 04:14PM by Hollowbody57

A physicist notices a man about to jump of a really tall building, he yells:


Submitted January 30, 2016 at 01:02PM by Snakeynaut

My son asked me how you make a root beer float

Son: How do you make a root bear float? Me: Put it in a life raft.

Submitted January 30, 2016 at 03:22PM by highclassfire

Recent Conversation with my Earth Systems (Geology) Teacher

Us having a pure hear-say conversation until this point:

Him: "Yeah, no, suicide rates are definitely going up in celebrities. They were awhile before Robins died actually."

Me: "Oh?"

Him: "Yeah. Just recently, some girl stabbed herself in her trailer's kitchenette. She was in Walk the Line, blonde blue eyes an-"

Me: "Reese Witherspoon?"

Him: "No, with a knife."

Me: "..."

You win this time.

Submitted January 30, 2016 at 03:07PM by Firoaren

Why does the toothless budgie always win?

It suckseeds

Submitted January 30, 2016 at 02:23PM by Notknow-knotnow

My dad got me with this during breakfast today.

"Did you know that your aunt once had a bologna cast?"

"What? What's a bologna cast?"

"You know, a bologna cast!"

"Why would they make a cast out of bologna?!?"

"Because she hurt herself below the knee!"

Submitted January 30, 2016 at 02:24PM by IAMA_GrillBTW

Saturday. In a restaurant. Just finished dessert.

Mum: So, how was your Sundae? Me: It's Saturday today... Mum: Can I kick him? Dad: Go ahead Sister: kicks

Submitted January 30, 2016 at 02:29PM by colsonicatt

Why do dogs invest in tennis balls?

They have a high rate of return.

Submitted January 30, 2016 at 02:15PM by Hawkmoona_Matata

Daughter: "Ouch! I stepped on a tack on the floor."

Me: "So the floor attacked you!" Daughter: "Daaaaaad!"

Submitted January 30, 2016 at 01:50PM by Iluv_Felashio

My old Mum used to say, "Always give your food a good rinse before you eat it."

Lovely woman, terrible sandwiches.

Submitted January 30, 2016 at 12:01PM by EliCaaash

I asked my dad to turn to turn the lights off as he left the room...

he said that would be delightful

Submitted January 30, 2016 at 12:37PM by upsidedownies

As my wife is cooking...

WIFE: (Reading instructions) "Crush the garlic."

ME: Here, I'll help. (To Garlic) You'll never make it in Hollywood! You're too short to be an actor!

WIFE: I dislike you.

Submitted January 30, 2016 at 12:20PM by BlakeMP

Why didn't motorcycles get roles in the movie Cars?

They were just two tired to show up.

Submitted January 30, 2016 at 12:24PM by technically_art

I got arrested for killing a black man

They charged me with impersonating a police officer.

Submitted January 30, 2016 at 10:53AM by rbk4life

Husband has 6 months to live

Asks his wife, "Will you marry again?"

She says she supposes so, eventually.

"Will he sleep in our bed"?

She says of course he will.

"Will you let him use my golf clubs?"

"No, he couldn't use them. He's left handed."

Submitted January 30, 2016 at 10:49AM by BuckLaughlin

"Why is Monteray Jack so nice?"

Dad: "Well, he is a really decent bloke"

I died a little inside

Submitted January 30, 2016 at 09:52AM by FORNAX_

A Prius just tried to race me from a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100 feet...

But I can only walk so fast.

Submitted January 30, 2016 at 09:35AM by WinkleStinkle

My girlfriend complained that there should be more women in technology

So I put her in my new smart fridge

Submitted January 30, 2016 at 06:22AM by joshcomley

I want a job as a mirror cleaner...

It's something I can see myself doing.

Submitted January 30, 2016 at 07:42AM by Mo-D-Accuser

GF this morning: *Rubs my face* I have an eyelash

Me: yes, and you've got many more

Submitted January 30, 2016 at 09:16AM by arrederre

What do fat chicks and bricks have in common?

Eventually they both get laid, by a Mexican.

Submitted January 30, 2016 at 08:35AM by toastafeava

9 out of 10 Americans are stupid...

I'm so glad I'm in the 1%.

Submitted January 30, 2016 at 07:32AM by Always_Shy

Wife: "Oh, wow. I didn't know there was a watch museum here. Why have we never been?"

Me: "I guess we've just never had the time."

Submitted January 30, 2016 at 07:42AM by TurtleTurtleDuck

Once when I worked at KFC...

We were wrapping corn in the morning. There were dozens of cobs on the table. I Said. No one make any corny jokes."

Submitted January 30, 2016 at 07:03AM by Tychobrahe2020

My sense of humor is so dark...

... one of these days it's going to get shot by the police.

Submitted January 30, 2016 at 04:13AM by a_thoreau_aweigh

What's the difference.....

What's the difference between a cat?

One of its legs is both the same.

Submitted January 30, 2016 at 05:02AM by Neilghughes

Got my wife just now.

After stating that she had burned herself with a piece of courgette making dinner (stir fry) I said "Who would've thought you courgette burned by it"

Submitted January 30, 2016 at 04:32AM by bearlegion

Friday, January 29, 2016

My youngest son asked me how I was doing today

I replied: "Stellar"

Submitted January 30, 2016 at 02:26AM by Mr-Ultimate

Grooming my cat. My girlfriend got me with this gem.

My long haired cat got some poop in his fur near his butt and I grabbed a scissors to cut the hair out.(It's easiest this way).

My girlfriend says "Are you about to harvest some dingle berries?"

Submitted January 30, 2016 at 01:46AM by ArthurTheAstronaut

How does Stephen Hawking have sex?

Enter, backspace, enter, backspace, enter, backspace...

Submitted January 29, 2016 at 11:11PM by rbk4life

Maan, all these dad jokes...

really make me miss my dad :/

Submitted January 29, 2016 at 11:50PM by musicman9294

I really wish some of the fantasies in 50 shades of grey were real...

like how she got a job right out of college.

Submitted January 29, 2016 at 09:07PM by Paperskittles1

Making dad jokes all the way from Vegas

My father is in Vegas with my mother right now and the Santana show is cool, apparently...

Submitted January 29, 2016 at 10:09PM by jbob2000

You've got a lot of nerve!


Submitted January 29, 2016 at 09:37PM by thr0waway7373

Don't open that book

The words will fall out!

Submitted January 29, 2016 at 09:14PM by mememaster1011

Dad got my mom with this one

My dad wasn't feel well one day. After he took some medication, my Mom later asked: "So how are you feeling?" To which my dad replied, "With my fingers."

Submitted January 29, 2016 at 05:22PM by SayAhhh

"Would you rather eat 100 bricks or a matter baby?"

"What's a matter baby?"

"Nothing, I'm fine sweetie. How are you?"

Submitted January 29, 2016 at 07:09PM by DoubleUTeeEfff

What do men ànd hardwood flooring have in common?

Lay 'em right the first time and you can walk all over them the rest of your life!

Submitted January 29, 2016 at 05:44PM by SerenityNOW_or_else_

I got my friend today while giving him directions...

Submitted January 29, 2016 at 05:39PM by Hou_mcbp

What's the difference between an alligator and a crocodile?

One you will see later and the other you will see after a while.

Submitted January 29, 2016 at 04:46PM by SortOfABigDeal

What does a carpenter do after one night stand?

A matching one for the other side of the bed.

Submitted January 29, 2016 at 03:22PM by judo_shoppe

I took my dad to the mall to grab some lunch

I took my dad to the mall to grab some lunch, and at the next table there was a teenager with spiked hair in all different colors, red, orange, green, blue, etc. The teenager caught my dad staring a few times and said "What's the matter old man, haven't done anything wild in your life?" with a smug smirk on his face. I quickly swallowed my food so I wouldn't choke when my dad responded. "Sure I have" he said, sounding bored, "I once got drunk off my ass and fucked a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son"

Submitted January 29, 2016 at 12:50PM by hugefieryshit

I once met a male prostitute.

This happened a number of years ago. I asked him what he was doing on the street corner. (Knowing the answer, considering where I was.)

He said "I'm just trying to make 10 bucks so I can go home." That seemed pretty low for a strapping younger man such as himself.

I said "Dude... don't sell yourself short."

Submitted January 29, 2016 at 03:54PM by Tychobrahe2020

What did the bucket say to the rope in the dark?

Well, well well....

Submitted January 29, 2016 at 03:41PM by Tychobrahe2020

Took wife and son to science night. There was an animal biologist there.

He brought out a lizard to show everyone, then a second one of the same type.

I turned to my wife.

Wife: "Don't"

Me: "Look! He's got dual monitors!"

My son groaned and my work was done.

Submitted January 29, 2016 at 03:23PM by VictoriousBadger

I'm single by choice.

But it's not my choice.

Submitted January 29, 2016 at 11:59AM by TheRandomRGU

That new Schwarzenegger movie

Me: Did you hear that Arnold is making a new movie about a Baroque composer?

Wife: ???

Me: I'll be Bach

Wife: <censored>

Submitted January 29, 2016 at 03:09PM by SneekyCarrot

Okay /r/dadjokes, here is your new #1 post


Submitted January 29, 2016 at 03:14PM by She_Likes_Cloth

Unlike Jesus, I did not have a virgin birth

It is, however, looking increasing likely that I'll have a virgin death

Submitted January 29, 2016 at 01:02PM by hajahe155

For christmas i bought my girlfriend a pair of shoes and a dildo.

That way if she doesnt like the shoes she can go fuck herself.

Submitted January 29, 2016 at 01:32PM by NyupDeddyXMTN

What do you call an angry Donald Trump?

Mr. Grump


Mr. Trumpy

Submitted January 29, 2016 at 02:05PM by Murican_Freedom1776

My girlfriend is sick of me pretending that I'm a transformer.

Girlfriend: "I'm sick of you pretending you're a tranformer. I'm leaving you."

Me: "No baby wait, I can change..."

Girlfriend: "See! There you go again!"

Submitted January 29, 2016 at 12:45PM by Nobody_Retro

Xbox and PlayStation are having a fight...

Then the cops show up: "Wii U, Wii U, Wii U, Wii U..."

Submitted January 29, 2016 at 12:40PM by _George_Costanza_

Jared Fogle began and ended his career the same way...

Trying to get into smaller pants

Submitted January 29, 2016 at 12:36PM by A_Pit_of_Cats

What do you call a fight between a Mexican and Jared Fogle?

Alien vs Predator.

Submitted January 29, 2016 at 12:08PM by Solidjulz

Why couldn't the Hispanic gentleman deer hunt with a bow?

...he didn't habanero.

15 minutes ago from non other than Papa Bear. Thanks, dad!

Submitted January 29, 2016 at 12:21PM by ChuckCouture

Tall people don't need to be inspirational

Everyone already looks up to them.

Submitted January 29, 2016 at 10:53AM by die247

What do you call a jewish pokemon trainer?


Submitted January 29, 2016 at 03:02AM by FrakTheGods19

What do you call Washington State after a long rain storm?

Washed a Ton State.

I woke up with that joke in my head this morning. My brain is weird. Had to share it with someone.

Submitted January 29, 2016 at 10:46AM by thetallone7

Learning about geographical disease distribution.

Teacher: "Does anyone know what molds and stuff can be found in various locations?"

Me: "Well I'm a fungi, and I'm usually here in Colorado."

Submitted January 29, 2016 at 10:49AM by 420boobs69

Mom laughed in the face of cancer with a dad joke this morning...

My mom is going in for a colonoscopy this morning. Maybe a polyp, maybe cancer, maybe not.

I hugged her this morning and said "Good luck."

She replied "Oh, thanks. I hope it'll come out alright in the end."

I was devastated. Damn!

Submitted January 29, 2016 at 10:53AM by Rasalom

I got a good one the other day.

Dad jokes are lame and everyone that engages in this type of humor needs to stop and if they continue they need to be intellectually shamed until they stop.

Submitted January 29, 2016 at 10:37AM by reck15

Join the war against masturbation!!!

We can beat it together!!!

Submitted January 29, 2016 at 04:14AM by jordandavila88

My daughter asked why I shaved off my beard. "Mama does like it," I said then explained, "It rubbed her the wrong way."

No text found

Submitted January 29, 2016 at 10:14AM by Cruzinspeed

If I had a Barbie, I would name her Rhu.


Submitted January 29, 2016 at 10:04AM by DeadBirdToABlindKid

It's not a Cadillac son . . .

Submitted January 29, 2016 at 09:48AM by jacks_312

You know you can tell a train just passed through here...

whilst crossing over rail road tracks What how is that so?

It left it's Tracks behind.

26 years old. Still fucking fall for it

Submitted January 29, 2016 at 09:02AM by kingmillzy

I hit my brother with a dad joke

My brother is at a hospital and sees a therapist regularly. He gets one phone call a day and it's my personal objective to get him to laugh every day.

Bro: I should probably get going, the therapist gave me some homework to do.

Me: Yeah, you don't wanna make her therapist off.

I got a good laugh from him.

Submitted January 29, 2016 at 08:52AM by Themeattornado25

What does a robot do after a one night stand?

He nuts and bolts.

Submitted January 29, 2016 at 03:56AM by akash10101

I have a king-sized bed

I dont know any kings, but if one came over, i guess he would be comfortable

Submitted January 29, 2016 at 03:51AM by SupaNiggaBlkDynamite

Why is your nose in the middle of your face?

Because it's the scenter.

Submitted January 29, 2016 at 02:48AM by newaroundherederp

My brother dadjoked dad!

Brother: Do you know Latin? Dad: (didn't have time to respond) Brother: You are old enough

Submitted January 29, 2016 at 06:09AM by Grrshapeshifter

What do you call a bunny in a kilt?

A hopscotch

Submitted January 28, 2016 at 09:42PM by DavidCFalcon

My wife hates a dirty house.

So I laid on the floor in the kitchen after deep cleaning the entire house and yelled


Mind you, she's already mid rant about having to clean anything else at this point...and her walking in to see only me laying there almost got me divorced.

Submitted January 29, 2016 at 12:40AM by wooolgod

Thursday, January 28, 2016

My girlfriend told me she's sick of me pretending to be a detective.

Girlfriend: "I'm sick of you pretending you're a detective. I think we should split up."

Me: "Good idea. We can cover more ground that way."

Submitted January 28, 2016 at 11:51PM by whicketywack

I walked into my glass door today

Oh the pane...

Submitted January 28, 2016 at 09:08PM by Tw_raZ

My hibachi chef hit me with this one tonight

You know why im putting zucchini in with your vegetables?

...because its really hard to catch wild chini, so we buy the chini from the "zu"

Submitted January 28, 2016 at 10:00PM by _marther_

Gosh, hell must be really awkward.

I mean there's Hitler, and all the Jews.

Submitted January 28, 2016 at 10:49PM by CeorgeGostanza17

My first job...

Your joke for today!

My first job out of college was a "diesel fitter" at a pantyhose factory...

As they came off the line, I would hold them up and say, "Yep, deez'll fit her!"

Submitted January 28, 2016 at 11:10PM by taocpa

A guy walks into a bar with three ducks in a shopping bag.

He sits down and proceeds to take each of the three ducks out of the bag and stand them on the bartop. Then he goes to the restroom.

The bartender sees this, and knowing he should mind his own business, can't help but introduce himself. The gets down to eye level with the first duck and says, "Hello there, little duck. What's your name?"

"The name's Huey."

"Pleased to meet you, Huey. How's your day?"

"Pretty good. We went to the park and we've been in and out of puddles all day."

"Oh, that's nice," says the bartender. He moves to the second duck and says, "And what's your name, little guy?"

"The name's Dewey."

"Well hello, Dewey. How's your day been?"

"Fine, just fine. Went to the park. Been in and out of puddles all day."

"Well that sounds like great fun." The bartender looks to the last duck. "Let me guess. Your name is Louie, right?"

The third duck looks up and says,

"No, dammit. The name's Puddles and I'm in no mood to talk about my day alright?!"

Submitted January 28, 2016 at 07:41PM by lick_my_chops

The lady golfer

A new woman joins their Club. When she hears the guys talking about their golf round, she says, "I played on my college's golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week? " No one wants to say 'yes', but they're on the spot. Finally, one man says, "Okay, but we start at 6:30 am." He figures the early tee-time will discourage her. The woman says this may be a problem, and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late. They roll their eyes, but say, "Okay." She's there at 6:30 am sharp, and beats all of them with an eye-opening 2-under-par round. She's fun and pleasant, and the guys are impressed. They congratulate her and invite her back the next week. She smiles, and says, "I'll be there at 6:30 or 6:45." The next week she again shows up at 6:30 sharp. Only this time, she plays left-handed. The three guys are incredulous as she still beats them with an even-par round, despite playing with her off-hand. They're totally amazed. They can't figure her out. She's very pleasant and a gracious winner. They invite her back again, but each man harbors a burning desire to beat her. The third week, she's 15 minutes late, which irritates the guys. This week she plays right-handed, and narrowly beats all three of them. The men grumble that her late arrival is petty gamesmanship on her part. However, she's so charming and complimentary of their strong play,they can't hold a grudge. This woman is a riddle no one can figure out. They have a couple of beers in the Clubhouse, and finally, one of the men asks her, "How do you decide if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?" The lady blushes, and grins. "When my Dad taught me to play golf, I learned I was ambidextrous," she replies. "I like to switch back and forth. "When I got married after college, I discovered my husband always sleeps in the nude. From then on, I developed a silly habit. Right before I leave in the morning for golf practice, I pull the covers off him. If his willie points to the right, I golf right-handed; if it points to the left, I golf left-handed." The guys think this is hysterical. Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys says, "What if it's pointing straight up?" She says, "Then, I'm fifteen minutes late."

Submitted January 28, 2016 at 05:39PM by Spazmodo

I was let go from my job at the sewage treatment plant today.

Deservedly so, I don't know shit.

Submitted January 28, 2016 at 10:29PM by Synisive

My dad found the label maker.

Submitted January 28, 2016 at 10:35PM by robbyboy64

A lady walks into a grocery store looking for tomatoes and can't seem to find any, so she goes to ask a store clerk.

Lady: Excuse me, could you help me find some tomatoes?

Clerk: Sorry, but we are fresh out.

Lady: You don't understand, I need these tomatoes, could you check in the back for me?

Clerk: I am sure we don't have any, but I will go look.

The clerk goes to the back and comes back.

Clerk: Sorry, there aren't any in the back.

Lady: But you don't understand, I NEED these.

Clerk: Lady, you're just not getting it. Let me explain it to you this way. What do you get when you take the "blue" out of blueberries?

Lady: Berries.

Clerk: Okay, what do you get when you take the "Straw" out of strawberries?

Lady: Berries.

Clerk: Now what do you get when you take the "fuck" out of tomatoes?

The lady pauses for a moment...

Lady: There's no fuck in tomatoes!

Clerk: That is what I have been trying to tell you!"

Submitted January 28, 2016 at 05:51PM by Lightsaber_Dicks

A reddit mod walks into a bar...

She promptly kicks everyone out, locks the doors and, declaring herself to be the bartender, proceeds to get drunk with power.

Submitted January 28, 2016 at 08:05PM by HolocaustShmolocaust

If the human population held hands around the euqator

a significant portion of them would drown.

Submitted January 28, 2016 at 09:03PM by fozzles

When you ask a girl, Wanna go to the gym with me?

Submitted January 28, 2016 at 08:24PM by TheBlackDon

What did the fisherman and his girlfriend do last night?

Net fish and krill

Submitted January 28, 2016 at 11:21AM by anniesbaretibbers

Pho people.

My girlfriend, little girl, brother and I were all deciding what to eat for dinner.

There is a new Pho place in town, and we have never been there.

Me: "We should have Pho! Do yall want to try some noodles?

Girlfriend: "No, I don't think I'm a pho person. Although... if we all went, we'd be PHO people!"

AHHHH. I gotta marry this one.

Submitted January 28, 2016 at 06:26PM by wheelhause19d

Are these fiddles or violins?

They're fiddles. Violins is never the answer.

Submitted January 28, 2016 at 06:18PM by nickvolf

My dad's favourite joke while walking down the pop isle

Dad: Man! I'm so thirsty I can drink Canada Dry!

Me: (〒︿〒)

Submitted January 28, 2016 at 05:30PM by ninjap0wz

Some classic dad joking at work with a coworker

Me: "I'm forcing friendship. I friended you on Facebook" Her: "I won't stand for this." Me: "Well, it's a good thing you're sitting in a chair." Cue me being the only one laughing. Me: "You have to admit, that was pretty good." Her: "It was alright." Me: "But it's not because I have a left arm and a left leg, so I can't be alright." Her: "This just needs to stop"

Submitted January 28, 2016 at 01:20PM by Uldyr

What is it called when your crush has a crush on you too?


Submitted January 28, 2016 at 12:53PM by atumdeez

I'm a teacher, and our spelling skill this week was words that end with "er" and "or"

Gave the test today:

"Number one. Labor. (pause). Labor?! I hardly know her! (pause.) Labor. Number two. Refrigerator. (slightly longer pause). Refrigerator?! I hardly know her! (pause, laugh uncontrollably, regain composure). Refrigerator. Number three. Shatter. Shatter?! (start laughing before I can even get it out) I HARDLY KNOW HER!!!!! (incredibly long/intense fit of laughter, kids are not amused in the slightest). Ahem. Shatter. Number four..."

20 words on that spelling list. My sides hurt.

Submitted January 28, 2016 at 03:20PM by megadad

Why do hipsters hate ice skating?

They could never do it before it was cool

Submitted January 28, 2016 at 12:50PM by cobywaan

What is Taylor Swift's favorite vegetable?

This. Sick. Beet.

Submitted January 28, 2016 at 02:06PM by LJokay

A group of blondes walk into a bar...

A group of blondes walk into a bar and order a round of beers. They laugh and congratulate one another and finish their drinks. One blonde says to the bar tender "Another round, on me!" The bartender gets them another round of drinks and they continue to be lively and cheery and before long, finish their drinks. Another blonde says "Bartender, another round please!". The bartender walks over and says "I'll get you another round of drinks, but you have to tell me what you're celebrating." The blonde says "Well, we just finished competing a puzzle." "A puzzle?" Says the bartender, "How long did it take you?" The blonde replies "Six months". "Six months!" Exclaimes the bartender, "That's a long time for one puzzle." The blonde says. "That's not long at all, on the box it says three to four years!"

Submitted January 28, 2016 at 11:52AM by 1manmob

My dad was offered sex for services. (x-post r/funny)

I was offered sex with a 21 year old girl today. In exchange for that, I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner. Of course I declined because I am a person with high moral standards with a strong willpower. Just as strong as Ajax, the super strong bathroom cleaner. Now available with scented lemon or vanilla at your nearest drug and convenience store. Act now and save 1.50 off your next purchase.

Submitted January 28, 2016 at 12:16PM by Vance524

Had to throw out some old chicken last night

It smelled fowl.

Submitted January 28, 2016 at 12:07PM by techie2200

Minorities have the race card, women have the gender card, homosexuals have the gay card, but what do discriminatory white men have?

The Trump card.

Submitted January 28, 2016 at 11:22AM by Wrekt_

A retired navy admiral's daughter is about to get married to a young naval officer

The night before the wedding the admiral approaches his daughter.

"You know I served in the navy for 40 years and the guys are great. But being out at sea for so long they get into some funny stuff. I want you to have a happy marriage but promise me that if he ever asks you to do it the other way you will refuse"

"What do you mean? What's the other way?"

"Never you mind what it is. Just promise me that if he ever asks you to do it the other way, you will say no"

"Ok dad I promise."

They hug and prepare for the big day.

The young couple get married and like all newlyweds have a very active sex life. But every day the daughter is getting ever more curious about what "the other way" is.

After a year, she turns to her husband and says

"Honey. For our first anniversary, I was hoping we could try something different. Could we do it the other way?"

Her husband looks shocked and yells

"What??? And risk you getting pregnant???"

Submitted January 28, 2016 at 09:15AM by Speaking-of-segues

My professor had a good one today...

Someone in my class has a Mac with a Bernie Sanders sticker on it. He was answering one of her questions and told her to type it on her "Bernie Mac."

Submitted January 28, 2016 at 11:37AM by platysaur

My wife got me with this one last night...

We were at the table eating dinner when I glanced at the advertisements for grocery stores. I read the ad wrong and said:

Me: I read that wrong, its gala or pink lady apples, not Lady Gaga apples.

Wife: I dont know about Lady Gaga apples, but I know about Lady Gaga tomatoes.

Me: What?

Wife: Ro-ma, ro-ma-ma.

Submitted January 28, 2016 at 11:13AM by jubelo

Got an email from my dad this morning from Silicon Valley

Dad: Microsoft is releasing a new browser that we are all trying to ban, but will prove difficult due to its widespread use, its called:


Submitted January 28, 2016 at 09:44AM by Rmano90

Woodn't you laugh?

Me:(holding poplar board) This is one of our biggest sellers

Coworker: really?

Me: Yep, it's one of our most poplar items!

*cue groans *

Me: Sorry, I feel like I made an ash of myself with that joke. I was just pining for attention.

Submitted January 28, 2016 at 09:37AM by Norsbane

What's the difference between a Banana and an Orange?

I don't remember the punchline, but orange you glad I didn't say "Knock, knock"?

Submitted January 28, 2016 at 09:26AM by JLangvee

Why was six afraid of seven?

Because seven was a registered six offender.

Submitted January 28, 2016 at 07:51AM by Metal-Phoenix

I'm friends with 25 letters of the alphabet.

I don't know y

Submitted January 28, 2016 at 08:42AM by maelstrom197

My new thai girlfriend said "A small penis shouldn't be a problem in a loving relationship"

I still wish she didn't have one though.

Submitted January 28, 2016 at 06:16AM by -ShouldBeWorking-

After my annual check up at the hospital, I told my dad I could clearly see the future.

I have 20/20 vision.

Submitted January 28, 2016 at 04:45AM by the1nonlyevilelmo

Jesus Christ fed 2,000 people with 5 loaves of bread and 2 fish

But Hitler made 6,000,000 jews toast

Submitted January 28, 2016 at 03:56AM by BigSpermingWhale

My dad while watching the tennis

Me: Wow, Novak is really dominating Roger here.

Dad: Yes, if he wins it'll truly be a Federer in his cap.

Me: ....

Submitted January 28, 2016 at 04:36AM by Luklaus

Wednesday, January 27, 2016

Got my 7-year-old today

Her: "I know what a metaphor is."

Me: "Yeah? But can you spell it backwards?"

Her: "..."

Me: "T-I!"

Submitted January 28, 2016 at 02:29AM by Licensedpterodactyl

So I work for a chip company...

I decided one day to walk around and put a chip on my shoulder while acting angry about everything. My boss groaned.

Submitted January 28, 2016 at 02:40AM by Benshannaboy

My girlfriend is on a new low-sodium diet

Me: "So, with the new diet do you have to believe everything people tell you now?"

Girlfriend: "What?"

Me: "Well, you can't take anything with a grain of salt anymore."

Submitted January 28, 2016 at 02:24AM by Kangaroo_Quart

What are the pros and cons of wearing two watches?

On one hand, you have a watch...

But on the other hand, you have a watch.

Submitted January 27, 2016 at 11:19PM by falseinfinities

Shark tank, some wine with the P's, and a A zinger from pops

As the title says, I was finishing dinner, shared a couple glasses of wine with the parents, and we were watching Shark Tank. It was a rerun episode about these two guys from chicago who wanted to sell this trackless locomotive that goes around malls, stadiums arenas, what have you.

My Ma and I were going back and forth about how it was a dumb idea and agreed with the Sharks, it was just too small for them to invest in. My Ma, who I swear after 30 years of marriage with my father, share a single synapse related to the dadjoke portion of the brain, assuming in that hazy area between the creative hemisphere, and analytical hemisphere. Anyways, Pops is a man of few words, and shot this zinger that went over like a lead balloon.

Ma: "I'd only invest in this idea if those bozos made the last cart a place where the parents could ride along and drink".

Dad: "you mean the ca-booze?"

Ma: "...what?"

Dad: "You know... caboose, booze, cabo.."

Ma: "Yes Roy, we ALL got it".

Submitted January 27, 2016 at 09:54PM by prfalcon61

On the weekend at Chapters

Chapters is a book store up here in Canada. A checkout line just opened so we were the first in the line. After paying, the receipt was taking a while to print. The cashier remarked "it's the first printing" to which I replied "ooh those are normally worth more!"

The cashier didn't know what to say and my wife rolled her eyes so hard it looked like she was going to have a stroke.

Submitted January 27, 2016 at 06:11PM by oueleric1

My Korean friend died yesterday

So Yung...

Submitted January 27, 2016 at 08:10PM by wickedlikethreesixes

You know, I didn't kiss my wife until I was married...

because she wasn't my wife until we were married.

One of my dad's favorites.

Submitted January 27, 2016 at 08:21PM by 80_Percent_Beard

What’s the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms?

One’s a Goodyear. The other’s a great year.

Submitted January 27, 2016 at 05:44PM by deathatdusk

Had a first date last night

We went to a bar that had a bunch of board games and decided to play Battleship.

Her: "I-8"

Me: "You ate what?"

Her: ". . . wow."

And yes, she agreed to a second date, even after that.

Submitted January 27, 2016 at 07:06PM by Queggy

My dad just dropped this one..

There was a guy with a wooden eye so he didn't have a lot of confidence. So he was too nervous to ask women out. One day his friend introduced him to a woman with a hair lip, so he decided to ask her out. She responded, "Would I? Would i?" So he replied, "Hair lip! Hair lip!"

Submitted January 27, 2016 at 07:02PM by andreajq

My dad's favorite

Me- "man my shoulder hurts" Dad- "does it hurt when you do this?" (Shrugs) Me- "yah" Dad- "well don't do that"

Submitted January 27, 2016 at 06:43PM by ChronicMidge

"Dad no please.."

So at least twice a month I go out to eat a this place called "Crazy Bowls and Wraps", often taking my son. I've had this prepared joke for years but I've never had the courage use it. My son has forbade me to every do it in front of him but last night when I saw this new register girl I just went for it.

Register Girl: "Hi what can I get for you?"

Me: " you guys have like bowls and wraps...stuff like that?"

Son: "Dad no please..."

Register Girl: "Well...yes we do. Of course."

Me: "Hm...that's crazy."

Submitted January 27, 2016 at 06:15PM by fistfullaberries

My dad at a little league baseball game

This was a couple years ago, my dad and I were at my sister's little league game.
pitch goes by, called a ball
Parents watching game: "good eye, good eye"
My dad: "is it just me or are there a lot of Australians here today?"

Submitted January 27, 2016 at 06:20PM by New_G0D_Flow

Why did man invent curling?

To convince women sweeping was a sport.

Submitted January 27, 2016 at 05:02PM by MedicAlert

Priest got me today.

Background: My priest and cantor came to bless my house today. Afterwards, we were talking a bit and he made a pretty funny joke. I laughed and said "That's a pretty funny dad joke!"

His response: "That's Father Joke to you."

Cue the eye roll and forehead slap from the cantor.

Submitted January 27, 2016 at 05:46PM by saxophonefartmaster

What's the difference between hungry and horny?

Where you put the cucumber.

Submitted January 27, 2016 at 03:51PM by Metal-Phoenix

A husband and wife are getting married when.....

Minister: And now your wedding vows

Groom: A E I O U

Bride: Omg do u ever take anything seriously?

Groom: sometimes....why?

Submitted January 27, 2016 at 05:04PM by redskinsnation123

I told my chiropractor that my spine was already in alignment, but he proved me wrong.

Now I stand corrected.

Submitted January 27, 2016 at 02:31PM by BurntUmberit

A Cuban, a Canadian, and a white supremacist walk into a bar.

The bartender says, "Ah, Senator Cruz, what are you having?"

Submitted January 27, 2016 at 03:30PM by thefirstkillwhitey

Pico De Gallo

My SO was making pico de gallo and having me and our housemates try it, she was asking what we thought it needed.

more lemon? more lime?

tomatoes? cilantro?

I got asked what I think

I don't know, I'm not really a pico de guy yo.

Submitted January 27, 2016 at 03:50PM by rumblecrunch

Women's underwear is a great example of how you can make something half-assed and it still become very successful

Thought of this in traffic yesterday

Submitted January 27, 2016 at 01:43PM by cronoberrychef

While on a vacation last summer, my brother-in-law was telling me that he just got a deal on some really nice empty wooden Cuban cigar boxes as souvenirs for only $4 each - I replied...

"So, it was a good deal, but no cigar"

Submitted January 27, 2016 at 02:42PM by obedienthoreau

While on a vacation last summer, my brother-in-law was telling me that he just got a deal on some really nice empty wooden Cuban cigar boxes as souvenirs for only $4 each - I replied...

"So, it was a good deal, but no cigar"

Submitted January 27, 2016 at 02:42PM by obedienthoreau

When I was a child, I was raped by a group of mimes.

They performed unspeakable acts on me.

Submitted January 27, 2016 at 12:28PM by NuclearJesusMan

What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhino?

The Spanish Inquisition.

Submitted January 27, 2016 at 12:04PM by rubikhan

Singing blowjob (NSFW)

One of my friends was a sailor in the navy many moons ago. He was out on deployment for long periods of time, and being a ship without women, he was naturally frisky.

They arrived at an island to resupply and the crew were given leave - so he makes his way to the nearest tavern and enquires of the barmaid

'Where can I find a brothel around here?'

To which the barmaid replies

"I'm afraid you won't find any such establishment around here. Missionaries came through several years back and we've all but converted."

He left the bar and began aimlessly wandering around the island. As night fell he decided to climb one last hill before heading back to the ship. As he reached the crest of the hill, he noticed a shack all alone with a sign reading:

"Singing blowjobs: $5"

Excitedly he knocks on the door. The door opens and a little old lady looks up at him. He recoils a little and thinks to himself that maybe this wasn't such a good idea. The old lady grins and asks

"Ooooh. Here for the singing blowjob are we?".

'N-no. I have the wrong place, sorry' he stammers.

"Ooooh no, you'll be wanting the blowjob. Come on in. Come on", she says.

He hands her the $5 and enters the shack. The door closes to veritable darkness and he unzips his fly. The singing begins and the lady goes to work to a resounding crescendo. Baffled by how such a thing is possible he asks

'How were you able to do that?!'

"Old family secret" she laughs, half speaking to herself.

Relieved but curious, he leaves and returns the next evening. He knocks on the door and the old woman answers

"Back again are we? I expect you'll be after the singing blowjob!" she enquires.

'Yes, yes. Here is the $5' he says, handing the money over and closing the door behind him. The singing begins and an amazing blowjob follows. He enquires again how such a thing is possible, only to be met with the same reply.

The next day the ship leaves port and they sail out on their next mission. He tells all his friends of the singing blowjob, to which most of them laugh and mock him. He remains adamant it was real and that he'd find out the secret.

Years pass and they chance upon the same island again. The ship docks and he runs to the hilltop to find the shack standing there, with the same sign.

He knocks on the door and the old woman answers again. She looks up at him, and then realisation lights up in her eyes

"Ooooh! I remember you. You'll be wanting the singing blowjob! Come in, come in!", she says.

'No, I just want to know how you do it!' he demands.

"Family secret, can't tell. Can't tell" she replies, smiling and laughing to herself.

'Alright, alright. Here is your money' he says, determined to uncover the truth. He hands her the money and heads inside the dark shack. The singing begins and he tries to focus on his surroundings, looking for a radio or television -- anything which might produce the sound. Before long he is lost in the ecstasy and forgets all about looking. The woman finishes the job, and he leaves.

Frustrated and adamant to uncover the truth, he decides to bring a torch with him the following evening to finally get to the bottom of the family secret.

The following evening he rushes up the hill with a torch in his back pocket. Knocking on the door, he is received by the old woman again

"Back again are we? The singing blowjob it will be?" she grins.

'Fine. Yes. Here is your money' he says, pushing the money at her and closing the door behind him. The singing begins and the woman goes to work. For a moment he nearly loses himself to the feeling and forgets to look around.

Regaining his senses, he fumbles in his back pocket and pulls the torch out. Flicking it on, he casts it down to the table in front of him and the first thing he sees - a glass eyeball.

Submitted January 27, 2016 at 07:07AM by xyzjace

How tall am I?

Enough to touch the ground.

Submitted January 27, 2016 at 01:01PM by Cratoreat

I had to make a delivery today on elm street.

It was a nightmare.

Submitted January 27, 2016 at 11:50AM by BenJaquenhoft

Friend pulled a nice one

My friend left to get something, and said "watch the door" Other friend replies "is it going anywhere?"

Submitted January 27, 2016 at 11:30AM by Waffleslaughter

Russian Leader's Whereabouts

Dad: Hey, did you hear that Russia's current leader was seen dining at the top of a famous hotel?

Me: No.....

Dad: Yeah, it was Putin on the Ritz.

Submitted January 27, 2016 at 11:39AM by Aecus777

Clean Shave

An old drover walks into a barber shop in Black Stump Crossing, NT, Aussie, for a shave and a haircut.

He tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.

The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells the old drover to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.

When he's finished, the old drover tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he'd had in yonks, but he wanted to know what would have happened if he had accidentally swallowed that little ball.

The barber replied, "Just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does."

Submitted January 27, 2016 at 08:37AM by bobbysr

We were learning about musicians during the Baroque era when someone stopped the class to ask...

"Sir, I can't really get a Handel on all of this, can we go Bach a bit?" I laughed, teacher rolled his eyes and kept talking as if it was never asked.

Submitted January 27, 2016 at 11:08AM by apauled

I got the McDonald's drive thru guy with this one

After I ordered my breakfast this morning and saw the total on the screen, my plan was hatched. I pulled up to the first window and the attendant told me my total.

"$7.11," he said.

"Circle K," I replied as I handed him my debit card.

My daughter actually laughed as she witnessed this one. All I usually get out of her is an eye roll.

Submitted January 27, 2016 at 11:09AM by ImmortalityLTD

A panda bear walks into a resturant..

And orders some food, after his meal the server comes out and asks how everything was and the panda bear pulls a gun a shoots him. The manager comes out and says "hey man what's going on?" The panda bear replies "I'm a panda bear Google it.." and leaves. The manager curiously Googled panda bear and was reading "panda bear: black and white bear, eats chutes and leaves."

Submitted January 27, 2016 at 09:41AM by Dinopickle93

As I slipped my finger slowly inside her hole...

I could immediately feel it getting wetter and wetter.

I took my finger back out and within seconds she was going down on me.

"I really need a new fucking boat," I thought to myself.

Submitted January 27, 2016 at 08:35AM by Infector101

My Dad *finally* Dad Joked me! I'm so happy.

My Dad has always been a bit cool (plays in bands, hangs around with much younger guys etc) but at the weekend, on his 67th birthday, he FINALLY Dad joked me.

We were talking about the local rugby team and I said "They're playing a French team. I think it's Toulouse?" He said "That's not very positive is it? Playing to lose." "No wait," I said, checking the website, "They're playing Toulon!" "Ohh, well in that case, it won't be a short game...."

I finally feel like a proper daughter.

Submitted January 27, 2016 at 09:36AM by poodleflange

Got my wife with this gem...

Submitted January 27, 2016 at 08:39AM by Maimonides_vii

For health reasons, my doctor says I should avoid trans fats

I'm gonna miss tumblr

Submitted January 27, 2016 at 07:59AM by Denchenda226

I heard that they are filming a Star Wars spin-off series

Better call Solo

Submitted January 27, 2016 at 07:00AM by dammilo

How do you drown a hipster?

Throw them in the mainstream

Submitted January 27, 2016 at 02:42AM by BulleitShot

Bedside dungeons are my favorite.

I was at the boyfriends and his bed is like a foot from the wall. Just box spring and mattress right now since he moved this week. I was laying on it and I sneezed into my arm, and kinda rolled into it so as to aim away from him. Of course I rolled off the bed because I didn't realize how close I was. Laughed, climbed out, things were good.

Fast forward.

He said something snarky, I said "better watch it or I'll throw you in my dungeon" referring to the space between the bed. He said "what, where you sneezed everywhere?" and I said "oh yeah. I'm gonna do snotty things to you in there." all he could do was shake his head.

Submitted January 27, 2016 at 04:35AM by Fluffii

I can't believe I got the chance & missed it.

This never happens to me. I was in a hardware store (B&Q) returning a wrong item I bought for my boss & was waiting patiently at the customer returns counter with a few other customers ahead of me.

The guy in front was a middle-aged dude (a Dad, if you will) who had come to ask them about some lights he had bought 6 years ago & whether they had the same ones still in stock.

The lady behind the counter was new and was getting increasingly confused with the computer-till. Everyone was in good spirits (I'm in the UK, we know how to queue) and I was happy to be out of the office so we just waited. I saw it coming a mile away.

The dude in front of me was showing the store clerk the unopened box of the bulb he wanted to return for his lights, whilst she was having no luck with the computer and called for help. A second, and then a third store employee we gathered around the computer trying to figure it out.

It was right there on the tip of my tongue. I'm an anxious guy, so I was shaking with a handful of people around me, ready to go out in all my glory with the line...".

BUT HE GOT THERE FIRST! The dude calmly turned to the queue and smirked, "How many B&Q employees does it take to change a lightbulb? Am I right?"

TL;DR Got out-Dad'd

Submitted January 27, 2016 at 03:49AM by ThisAdorableSOB

Tuesday, January 26, 2016

Dad got fired from his job at the DMV

One worker complained that he was driving everyone crazy.

Submitted January 27, 2016 at 02:36AM by Psychii_

One of my ancestors invented the glove

Well, he had a hand in it

Submitted January 27, 2016 at 01:51AM by TDAngel

My New Year's Resolution is to lose 10 pounds

Only 13 more to go

Submitted January 26, 2016 at 10:57PM by mafnxxx

Why did the French city fall off the map?

It was Toulouse

Submitted January 26, 2016 at 11:10PM by 4spooky6you

What did the guitar and banjo name their daughter?

Amanda Lynn

Submitted January 26, 2016 at 06:29PM by daynightninja

A young child caught her parents in the bedroom last night.

The child asks,
"Mommy, what were you doing bouncing on daddy's stomach last night?"
The mother replies,
"I have to do that, or else daddy's belly gets very fat. Bouncing keeps him skinny."
"That's not going to work, you silly!" responds the child.
"Why not?" asks the mother.
"Because the babysitter keeps blowing him back up again."

Submitted January 26, 2016 at 09:04PM by billybobjoe1515

Thought you guys might like my metaphor joke

Well, actually, it's not a metaphor joke, it's a simile joke. It's like a metaphor joke.

Submitted January 26, 2016 at 10:44PM by irondeepbicycle

What's the best thing about finger blasting a gypsy on her period?

You get your palm red for free

Submitted January 26, 2016 at 08:23PM by nickvou94

My Neuropsych professor was not amused.

My professor,"long-term exposure to heavy metals causes holes in the brain."

Me, "I'm sure the head banging doesn't help either."

Submitted January 26, 2016 at 09:48PM by stephy7

Why does Emperor Palpatine shoot electricity out of his hands?

Because he's in charge.

Submitted January 26, 2016 at 08:37PM by piper4026


Her: have you ever seen Rent live? Me: no Her: dude, it's so good, but the AIDS scenes are so much darker. Me: what, do they not use enough lighting or something?

Submitted January 26, 2016 at 09:25PM by somechineseguy

A student comes to a young professor's office hours...

She glances down the hall, closes his door, and kneels pleadingly. "I would do anything to pass this exam." She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes. "I mean..." she whispers, "I would do... anything."

He returns her gaze. "Anything?"


His voice softens. "Anything??"

"Absolutely anything."

His voice turns to a whisper. "Would you... study?"

Submitted January 26, 2016 at 07:16PM by midozer416

I was given MDMA and LSD tonight...

What a shit way to start a game of Scrabble.

Submitted January 26, 2016 at 08:09PM by firesidefire


Three bulls heard the rancher was bringing another bull onto the ranch.

First Bull: "I've been here five years. I'm not giving this new bull any of my 100 cows."

Second Bull: "I've been here three years and have earned my right to 50 cows. I'm keeping all my cows."

Third Bull: "I've only been here a year, and so far, you guys have only let me have 10 cows. I may not be as big as you fellows, but I'm keeping all 10 of my cows."

Just then an 18-wheeler pulls up in the pasture carrying the biggest bull they've ever seen. At 4,700 pounds, each step he takes strains the steel ramp.

First Bull: "I think I can spare a few cows for our new friend."

Second Bull: "I actually have too many cows to take care of. I can spare a few. I'm certainly not looking for an argument."

They look over at the third bull and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns and snorting.

First Bull: "Son, don't be foolish -- let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it."

Third Bull: "Hell, he can have all my cows. I'm just making sure he knows I'm a bull."

Submitted January 26, 2016 at 04:09PM by milad24