Person 1: I can't believe after all that shit they're back together!!!
Person 2: Who?!
Person 1: My ass cheeks.
I've used this many times in person, and it still cracks me up to this day lol
Submitted November 30, 2015 at 10:39PM by Kourtney95
Person 1: I can't believe after all that shit they're back together!!!
Person 2: Who?!
Person 1: My ass cheeks.
I've used this many times in person, and it still cracks me up to this day lol
the divorce court judge said, " and I've decided to give your wife $275 a week. ". "That's very fair, your honour," the husband said. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself. "
When I was little, my family and I (from Texas) went to Toronto for a visit. My mother told me we were going to go to the Eaton Centre. After about an hour there, I got frustrated and yelled "If this is the eatin' centre, when are we gonna eat?!"
Her: If there's a Mrs. Dash, what does Mr. Dash do? Me: Oh, he's a stay-at-home dad, he takes care of their daughter, Emily. Her: (blank stare) Me: They call her Em. Her: (blank stare)
I then had to explain what an em dash is, but I still got a good laugh about it. She rolled over.
Is it John, George, Paul or Ringo?
Han Solo asks C3PO to give him a countdown, and C3PO says..
Han interrupts him and asks what the heck he's doing.
C3 says "You told me to never tell you the odds"
and for those that don't know, you get a companion named Lydia. You can tell Lydia to do almost anything. I told Lydia to attack a horse. She started to walk to it, but stopped. I decided to kill the horse myself. After I had killed it, Lydia continued to walk towards the horse. I said, "Lydia, you don't need to beat a dead horse."
Turns out she was buy-sexual.
The scene: Day after Thanksgiving, been browsing black friday deals on my phone all day.
Me: Hey, that's cool, they've got Updoc on sale for 15 bucks.
Her: Updoc? What's Updoc?
Me: Not much, what's up with you?
Can't believe I actually pulled it off, she wouldn't speak to me for a good half-hour after that.
I was just randomly visiting my dad. He woke up when i was there. He opens his eyes, he's in agony and uses, what looks like all his strength to raise his finger pulse oximeter and says "E.T phone..... your mother"
I just remembered this. It was 20 years ago and I'm happy to say he is still telling terrible jokes to this day
A woman arrived at a party & while scanning the guests she spotted an attractive man standing alone. She approached him smiled and said, "Hello. My name is Carmen." "That's a beautiful name," he replied. "Is it a family name?" "No," she replied. "As a matter of fact I gave it to myself. It represents the things that I enjoy the most - cars and men. Therefore I chose Carmen." "What's your name?" she asked. He answered "B.J. Titsengolf."
Figuring whoever it was could wait, she chose to ignore the bells. After 30 seconds, the bell was again pressed followed by a man inquiring "Is anybody home? Its the blind man from town."
Annoyed, the lady quickly dried off and without bothering to clothe herself raced down the stairs.
As she opened the door with nothing on but the radio, she was greeted by a shocked by smiling man.
"Nice tits.... where do you want the blinds?"
Three very conservative men were sitting in a bar discussing their daughters.
The first man said: "I am so disappointed in my little girl. I was going through her room the other day, and found a bottle of Vodka. I did not know she drank"
The second man continued: "I know how you feel. I was going through my princess' room and found a pack of cigarettes. I had no idea that she smoked."
The third man looked at his friends longingly: "you two are very lucky. I found a condom in my daughter's room. I had no idea that she had a penis."
He gets frustrated and yells "fuckin' lid!".
His mother turns to his father and says "where do you think he got that from?"
The father says "the fuckin' fridge you dumb cunt".
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker- function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
WOMAN: "I'm at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
MAN: "How much?"
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing. The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"
MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment.
Then he smiles and asks: "Anyone know whose phone this is?"
Context: my family is about to eat dinner, my brother is going to get a ride back to college right after we finish eating. Mom: "I feel like we need a toast or something." Dad: "well we've got some bread right here!"
A man sees that his neigjhbnour doesn't have his wheeled trash bin.
"Hey bub, where's ya bin`" "I took a little vacation for a few weeks," "No. I meant where's your bin?" "Told ya, vacation, at the beach!" "No man. Where's ya wheely bin?" "Ok, fine! I've wheely been to jail! Happy now?"
My girlfriend and I went to dinner with my parents tonight and one of the specials was crab wontons. My girlfriend asked the server, "how much is the wonton special?" But just before the server could answer, dad chimes in:
"The wonton special? Oh that's about 2000 pounds. I don't know what the price is though." Followed by a shit eating grin.
Thanks for always being so helpful, dad.
The Tesla gets fewer battery charges in a year.
It was a dishonorable discharge
So we were bowling and I threw my first ball and only hit 9 pins. My dad asked me "You gonna use your extra ball?" I said "it's called a spare ball" he just looked at me with a shit eating grin and then I knew I got dad joked. I just rolled my eyes and threw my ball and managed to just hit the pin and as I walked back he said "Wow you sparely got that one!"
He used that joke 5 more times that game and laughed his ass off each time.
The Daesh board.
I'll see myself out.
An American spy is in Soviet Russia. He is digging up information on a powerful Russian politician, and is pretending to be a Russian.
He finds the politician in a bar, and walks in, dressed in Russian attire. Everybody in the bar looks at him, but he keeps his cool. He orders a drink, and walks to the politician.
"Greetings, comrade", says the spy, but before he could finish his sentence, the Russian says, "I think you are American spy".
The spy is alarmed, but being a skilled, trained spy, he says, "that is not true, I am the proudest Soviet there is! I can sing the anthem more beautifully than any other man in the country!"
He then proceeds to sing the Soviet anthem, so melodically and beautifully. Everybody in the bar cheers.
"Very good, very good!", says the politician. "But I still think you are spy."
The man continues to keep his cool. "I am a historian! I can tell you everything about this glorious country!". He then spends about two hours recounting the Revolution, the Great Patriotic War, about how superior to the Russia is in terms of technology compared to America, and makes a great argument about how communism is beneficial to society.
"Amazing! You are skilled!", says the politician. The spy smirks. "But I still think you American spy." The spy is getting frustrated, but still unfazed. He replies, "I am good drinker, a true Russian! Let us drink, and see who can come out top!"
The bar turns its attention to the politician and the spy, who are now in a drinking contest. The bartender serves drink after drink of vodka. After about an hour of drinking, the politician nearly passes out, unable to hold as much liquor as the spy, to a resounding cheer amongst the bar.
In the midst of the cheering, the Russian politician gets up, smiling, and in a slurred speech, repeats "You are good, you are good... but I still think you are spy."
The American spy, piss drunk, loses his skill and gives up. "Okay, you got me. I am an American. But what made you think that way, after all this time?"
The Russian politician replies, "there aren't many black people in Russia."
Check my phone,
"iTired...there's a nap for that"
In line for a ride, my elder daughter had been acting up a bit. When the cast member asked me the number in our party, I said "pi". At the curious look, I explained that she was a little irrational today.
I was putting up my Christmas tree lights while my wife and my 10 year old read over a list of obscure phobias.
"Hey Dad what's the fear if Santa called?"
Because whoever found it was spending less than she was.
Dad and I have been replacing the fence in his back yard the last few weeks when I'm off work. We had the posts up but he finally put up the fence boards, and they're enormously tall. I reacted when I saw them.
"Jeez, dad, are you building a great wall?"
"No, a fence."
He responded with a glorious eye roll. It said, "I'm proud of you, son."
The man: “Who would ever miss the World Cup final?”
The guy: “That was my wife’s seat. We have been to the last five World Cup finals together, but sadly she passed away.”
The man: “That’s terrible, but couldn’t you get another member of the family, friend, or someone else to come with you?”
The guy: “No…they are all at the funeral!”
A woman is at home when she hears someone knock at the door.She goes to the door and opens the door to see a man standing there He asks the lady, 'Do you have a vagina?' She slams the door in disgust. The next morning she hears a knock at the door and it is the same man and he asks the same question of the woman, 'Do you have a vagina?' She slams the door again. Later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has happened for the last two days. The husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice, 'Honey, I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in case this guy shows up again.' The next morning they hear a knock and both run for the door. The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice, 'Honey, I'm going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to see where the bastard is going with it.' She nods yes to her husband and opens the door. Sure enough the same fellow is standing there and asks the same question; 'Do you have vagina'? 'Yes, actually I have one,' she says. The man replies.. 'Good! Would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours?'
Today I had an update of her meal there.
She told it was a very nice meal but they had deer soup.
I told her she should have checked the price 1st
and the teacher was asking everyone what their parents do. One said her dad was a firefighter, another said his mom was a nurse. When the teach asked Johnny what his dad does Johnny said "Well my dad is a stripper in a gay bar, and if the guy looks good and the money is right he'll have sex with him out back in the alley." The teacher asked everyone to take their seats and sit quietly, then asked Johnny to step into the hall. She asked Johnny if his dad was really a stripper in a gay bar and Johnny said "Absolutely not. He's the quarterback for the Dallas Cowboys, but I was too embarrassed to say that."
his nurse and a camera to be set up to record his final moments. Which were as follows... "To my son David, I leave the 2 blocks of flats in the East end of London," "To my other son Michael , I leave the 4 penthouse's in Chelsea," "and finally to my eldest son Kevin, I leave the big glass building near tower bridge". With that he slipped away. The nurse turned to the wife and said "I never realised your husband was so wealthy, you and your sons are very lucky" His wife swiftly replied "Was he Hell ! He was a "bloody window cleaner!"
This happened 2 minutes ago. My uncle asked me yesterday to download some games and put them in my 5 years old cousin's PSP, when I put the games in the PSP it didn't recognize them, so when my little cousin asked me today about his PSP I told him "The PSP didn't recognize the games" and he just looked at me with a grin on his face and said "That's because he'd never met them before". I'm proud. EDIT : Spelling mistakes. PS : Ignore my shitty English, not my first language.
...Since most of them keep grudges for life.
Since then my muggings have been much more successful.
It was a picture of me
After awhile, one bloke looks at the other and says, ‘I can’t help but think, from listening to you, that you’re from Ireland’
The other bloke responds proudly, ‘Yes, that I am!’
The first one says, ‘So am I! And where about from Ireland might you be?’
The other bloke answers, ‘I’m from Dublin, I am.’
The first one responds, ‘So am I!’
‘Mother Mary and begora. And what street did you live on in Dublin ?’
The other bloke says, ‘A lovely little area it was. I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town.’
The first one says, ‘Faith and it’s a small world. So did I! So did I! And to what school would you have been going?’
The other bloke answers, ‘Well now, I went to St. Mary’s, of course.’
The first one gets really excited and says, ‘And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?’
The other bloke answers, ‘Well, now, let’s see. I graduated in 1964.’
The first one exclaims, ‘The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same place tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary’s in 1964 my own self!’
About this time, Vicky walks up to the bar, sits down and orders a drink.
Brian, the barman, walks over to Vicky, shaking his head and mutters, ‘It’s going to be a long night tonight.’
Vicky asks, ‘Why do you say that, Brian?’
‘The Murphy twins are drunk again.’
I was tasked with bed and bathtime for the kids at my folk's house thanksgiving night. We were all staying over (it was a large house), and i had my own daughter and her cousin, both five years old, to put to bed because everyone else had too much wine with dinner or were too tired to deal with it. The kids were still hyper so i said to them "guys, i need you to get naked." Well my smart ass nephew ran to the kitchen, opened the fridge, and pulled out a bottle of my mom's naked brand juice and brought it me, said he got naked for me.
I was so proud.
So it was my first time meeting my girlfriend's family and it was a holiday so I had assumed it would go like how it is in the movies, the guy being constantly criticized by the girl's family and told he's not good enough but I must have lucked out as they absolutely loved me, after we had the traditional thanksgiving meal at around 4, her family and I went to the porch to drink and joke around. On the way out to the porch, buzzed me thought it would be hilarious to take someone's ukelele with me and hide it on the porch, I promised myself that before the day is over, I'd use that ukelele as a joke piece and get everyone to love me even more. So the evening is going great, everyone's drunk, laughing, telling funny family stories when all of a sudden, I stand up, get everyone's attention and I grab the ukelele, picked it up and said
"I like to play a little guitar"
The hysterical, drunken laughs of everyone on the porch was the highlight of the best Thanksgiving I've ever had.
My uncle: "The baked goods at the Anderson's (local grocery store) are pretty good."
Me: "I guess that's why the call them baked "goods" and not baked "bads.""
I'm a 24 year old female and still got groans from my uncle and dad.
They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.
The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following(italian accent):
'Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more! Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time.'
The lady can't take this any more,
'You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig!' she retorted indignantly.
'In this country, we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives!'
'Hey, coola down lady,' said the man. '
Who talkin' bouta sex?
I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell 'Mississippi.'
We got it off her eventually
She said it a rang a bell, but she wasn't sure if they had it or not
... and it's cold and I want to go inside, so I start suggesting indoor pictures.
Me: "Let's take a picture by the fireplace. Or the piano."
Dad: "How would we get the piano out here? Think, son!"
Dad: [laughs uproariously at self]
"You be Mozart. You be Beethoven. You be Chopin."
"What is green, hanging on a wall and squealing?"
Answer: "A herring." Why is the herring green? "Well, it's my herring, I painted it as I pleased." But why is it hanging on the wall? "It's my herring, I can hang it anywhere I wish." But why is the herring squealing? "I added squealing to make it harder to solve my riddle."
Order an icee and ask for no ice
Which was pretty ironic, considering we were at a bus stop.
Dad: Take a left up ahead
Dad: No, all left
He had a reptile disfunction.
...and on his way he found a girl tied up to the railroad tracks. He untied her and they had sex. Guy gets to the bar, friends ask why he's so late, tells them about the girl he found and all the different positions they fucked in. Friends give him props and ask if he got head, guy replies "I couldn't find it."
Uncle: Not full-wifery then?
"You're not a dog-person, you're 100% person!"
Me: "well apples don't need to look good, it's bananas that you need to be a-peeling" He was so proud.
My three year old daughter commented that our cat, Missy, is older than her at seven years old. My wife stated that Missy will be eight this Christmas. I said "only if we can't afford a turkey".
A boy comes home with the assignment of learning theory vs reality. So he asks his dad for help. "Ok son, ask your sister if she'd sleep with Justin Bieber for a million bucks." Kid comes back and says "Yeah dad she would." "Ok now ask your mom if she'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million bucks." Kid ask his mom. "Mom said she sure would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million bucks." Dad says "Now in THEORY we have two million dollars, in REALITY..... we live with a couple of whores."
We decided to do anal tonight for the first time.
After the act, we are both sitting on the couch talking about how poop could have happened and she starts laughing.
"Why are you laughing right now?
"I only do anal for shits and giggles."
....I am a lucky man
Because if it snows, you can't call and say you're snowed in.
My dad dropped this on me today.
Dad: When I was growing up there was a Movie called Boyz n the Hood
Me: Okay dad
Dad: Then a sequel came out and it was called Girlz n the Trunk
Paddy has a broken leg and his buddy Mick comes over to see him. Mick says, "How you doin'?"
Paddy says, "Okay, but do me a favour mate, run upstairs and get me slippers, me feet are freezing."
Mick goes upstairs and sees Paddy's gorgeous 19-year old twin daughters lying on the bed.
He says, "Your dad sent me up here to have sex with both of you."
They say, "Get away with ya... we don't believe you."
Mick shouts downstairs, "Paddy, both of 'em?"
Paddy shouts back, "Of course both of 'em, what's the point of fuckin' one?"
Both of my sisters have runny noses.
Eldest sister: My runny nose is so gross.
Youngest sister: Mine is snot.
Dad and Son in the living room when dad feet's get cold. "Get my slippers from upstairs". While upstairs he sees two of his sisters friends so he goes up to both of them, "My Dad told me to come up here and fuck both of you". "you're lying", OK I will prove it "Dad, did you say both of them?"
"what's the point of fucking one".
My uncle walked out of his bedroom wearing a green sweatshirt. My mom perked up and exclaimed in all excitement, "That's my favorite color!" My uncle, unflinching and without missing a beat replied, "Caucasian?" And gives the most wry smile in the midst of a racially awkward silence. I inappropriately giggled. I might be kicked out of the family.
P. S. I know it's not my dad, but he's a dad to some of the people who were in the room. So it counts.
Being like 400 years old.
At thanksgiving dinner we were talking about pianos since my parents and my grandparents both have upright pianos. My dad asked what kind of piano my grandparents had and got the response from my granddad "an upright grand. Which means you have a downright shame."
It wouldn't be the first time he pushed a black family out of their home.
credits to Snoop Dogg @ Donald Trump roast
The results speak for themselves.
A woman preparing to leave her husband casually informs him, "I'm going to become a hooker. I can make $400 for what I give you for free."
"I'm coming with you," the man replies. "I want to see you live on $800 a year."
one day were walking down a road when the little Johnny sees a beetle laying on the ground with his feet up and asks his father "Dad what's wrong with that beetle?", his dad tells him that the beetle has died and has his feet up because it will be easier for God to pick him up to the heaven when he comes down. And the Johnny starts crying and tells his Dad that his mother was going to die too, Dad: "What, how!". Johnny: "This morning, she was holding her feet up and screaming oh God here I come, luckily the neighbour was there holding her down".
sorry english not my first language.
Since he was my buddy, I was doing this thing for next to nothing. He called me up the other morning and our conversation went as follows
"Hey buddy, do you think you could come by my place and install a couple of heaters?" "Yeah for sure! Consider it a 'house warming' gift."
I could basically hear his eyes rolling.
Mrs Cameron, a primary teacher, was teaching her class about the difference between right and wrong.
"All right children, let's take an example," Mrs Cameron said. "If I were to get into a man's pocket and take his wallet with all his money, what would I be?"
Little Tony raises his hand, and with a confident smile says, "You'd be his wife."
And so I reminded them, "never tell me the odds."
The devil was in a good mood so he offered them a deal:
I have two simple task for you. If you pass them I will let you go to heaven, if not - eternal damnation.
Having no other option, the soldiers agreed.
For the first task go away and bring back the weapon you defended your country with.
So the soldiers did.
The Bulgarian came back with a small gun and the French with a bazooka.
For the second task - shove them up your as and fire them once.
The Bulgarian shoved the little gun up his backside, pulled the trigger and instantly was granted wings and ascended to heaven. Seeing this, the Frenchman started pushing the bazooka in. As the devil watched, he saw that the soldier will push-cry-laugh, push-cry-laugh...
Why are you crying?
Asked the devil.
I'm in pain.
Then, why are you laughing?
Oh, don't mind me... The American is bringing a tank.
When ever he asked someone when they were going to get something done and they replied with "When I get around to it."
He would hand them the coin.
It tastes the same but it's still wrong.
(Irish accent) Because one more and it would be too farty.
Well it depends on what you mean by change.
My girlfriend made me an omelet this morning and afterward this conversation occurs: Her: "What did you think of the omelet?" Me: "I thought it was eggs-elent!" Her: ........ Me: " what...? It was just a yolk... "
She didn't appreciate it. Hopefully you guys do.
What's brown and rhymes with Snoop Dogg? ..
Nobody stands up Teacher: "Im sure there are some stupid students over here!!" Little Johnny stands up Teacher: "Ohh, Johnny you think you're stupid?" Little Johnny: "No... i just feel bad that you're standing alone..."
We have a 10 minute safety/health segment before each meeting, and one of the suggestions in the presentation was to reduce alcohol intake.
My boss, about a colleague who loves his drink but recently had liver issues -
"Yeah, Dave doesn't drink anymore...he just doesn't drink any less." WINK
sitting in a coffee shop with my girlfriend and 4 yr old daughter. kid's looking at the letters on the coffee cups
Kid: Daddy, why are the letters all smooshed together?
Gf: It's called handwriting.
Kid: What's the last letter? I don't remember it...
Gf: It's an "S". Do you know a word that starts with S?
Gf: And why, of all words, did you use "shit"?
Me: I'm speaking in cursive
A truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar he sees a big sign on the door saying "Nerds Not Allowed - Enter At Your Own Risk!" He goes in and sits down.
The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, says, "You smell kind of nerdy. What do you do for a living?"
The truck driver says, "I drive a truck, and the smell is just from the computers I am hauling."
The bartender says, "Okay, truck drivers are not nerds." and serves him a beer. As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away.
The truck driver said, totally shocked, "Why did you do that?"
The bartender said, "Not to worry, the nerds are overpopulating Silicon Valley and are in season now. You don't even need a license."
The truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads back onto the freeway. Suddenly he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers. They are all engineers, accountants and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen.
He can't let them steal his whole load. So, remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly. A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop.
The truck driver said, "What's wrong? I thought nerds were in season."
"Well, sure," said the patrolman. "But you can't bait 'em."
I had a doctors appointment yesterday and had to get an injection in my eyeball. The nurse started going over all of the side-effects and I asked her, "will I be able to fly in the next few days?" She says, "yeah, no problem."
I replied, "Holy cow, I've always wanted to fly!"
She groaned but my fiancé and I were cracking up.
Russian thanksgiving: Turkey shoots you!
He read in the paper that all the businesses will have busted doors tomorrow.
My brother was giving my father crap for being technologically impaired. My dad replies, you may know how to use that damn iPad better than me, but I bought your first computer and taught you how to use a spoon, you dick.
Not a dadpun, but he dropped the dad facts.
Now she identifies as Trans-fat.
A story was on TV about Turkey shooting down a Russian plane because it invaded their airspace. My dad said, "It is so nice that Turkey can finally stand up for itself before Thanksgiving." My sister and I laughed, my mom just shook her head.
About half way.
She asked why I was microwaving the sweet potatoes instead of putting them in the oven and I told her that the turkey was in there, and I still needed to use the oven for the dressing, the veggies, and then the pie.
"Wow, there's a long waiting list for the oven!" she exclaimed.
I replied, "Yep, guess you could say it's the hot place to be tonight."
My wife was working on a green bean casserole and couldn't find one of the ingredients.
Wife: Have you seen the can of fried onions?
Me: What does it look like?
Wife: White container, red writing.
Me [Feigning hopeful tones]: Little red writing?
Wife [Relieved]: Yeah!
Wife brandishes knife.
... I cantilever.
My dad was talking about salaries of non profit CEOs.
Me:how much does the Alzheimer's association CEO get paid
Dad: he makes 2.7 million a year.
Dad: but I bet they forgot how much they paid him.
A genealogist looks up the family tree, a gynecologist looks up the family bush. (Credit to my uncle)
While on a river tour in Ghent, the guide took us passed a very old library. She said that in the Middle Ages, when rebels attacked the town, then threw all the books (over 300,000) out of the windows and into the river. There were so many books that it was said you could walk from one side to the other without your feet touching the water. Then the bit that made us groan - she said that although today all the books are gone from the river, they still have very intelligent fish.
Two engineering students were biking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice: The clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."
My niece made a gingerbread house yesterday, and my mom got drunk and accidentally broke it last night. Me, my dad and my wife were rebuilding it just now. My wife his holding up a couple walls while my dad is applying the frosting to hold them together.
Dad: how you doing Katie? Wife: fine, I'm holding up....
Pretty good wife, pretty good.
Girlfriend reading article on phone.
I comment "what is this guy holding in the photo?"
She says "mushrooms"
I said "wow". They were huge mushrooms.
She says "Yeah this guy has found a way to cultivate natural pesticides from fungi and has a patent too"
My response "Wow. He seems like a really fun guy!"
Family and I were having a conversation at dinner last night. My sister was educating us about violin equipment prices and such.
Grandpa: Wait, so you're telling me violin bows can cost up to $15,000?
Sister: Yeah, they're really expensive!
Dad: Well I guess if you didn't have one, the music would sound like bowcrap.
Nothing. You push them both aside and keep on eating.
Scene: A conversation with my friend’s father, who knows I do Web design.
Father: I have a business idea. How hard is it to make a Facebook?
Me: Oh, very easy.
Friend: He doesn’t mean to make a Facebook profile. He means to remake all of Facebook.
Me: Oh. Very hard.
Father: Oh, OK.
he had a special relative, you see?
I work at a house and take care of two gentlemen with mental disabilities who live there. One of them dropped this gem today:
Him: What would happen if I didn't have a mouth? I couldn't talk. What would happen if I didn't have a nose? I couldn't smell? What would happen if I didn't have any ears? I couldn't see. Me: Do you mean you couldn't hear? Him: No, my hat would fall down and cover my eyes.
But don't worry. It's safe sex.
Coalition troops are gathered in order to fight the Taliban. The American, British and French commanders are discussing the relative worth of their troops.
"You guys are fucking pussies compared to the US military." says the American officer. "Allow me to demonstrate." He beckons a Marine over and punches him as hard as he can in the face, removing a few of his teeth. The Marine flinches but shouts "Ooh Rah! Thank you sir!" before being dismissed.
"Impressive, but our lads are afraid of nothing." says the British officer. He beckons a Gurkha over, grabs his left arm and breaks it in one smooth motion. "Thank you sir! God save the Queen." replies the Gurkha with a pained expression, before being dismissed.
The French officer is somewhat nervous at this point as he doubts his poorly-equipped men are as tough as what he has just witnessed. Nevertheless, he is determined not to lose face in front of his colleagues. He beckons an infantry soldier over. Not knowing what to do, he pulls out his handgun and shoots the soldier in the foot. To his amazement, the soldier doesn't move at all or show any sign of pain. "Uh... you have served the Republic well. Dismissed!" mumbles the officer. The soldier leaves, seemingly unperturbed. The American and British officers are highly impressed and congratulate the French officer for having such brave troops.
Later that day, the French officer sees the soldier again. He asks him : "How in the hell did you manage to take a bullet like that and walk away?"
"Well, sir," the soldier replies, "they didn't have shoes my size when I signed up..."
Source: an off-duty officer in a bar in Lyon
Me and my sister Lorraine were sitting in the living room watching the Polar Express on two chairs in front of the tv, when my dad comes into the room and sits down on the couch. My sister was blocking his view of the TV so she moves her chair over to let him see. Then, about a good half a minute later he starts singing.
"I can see clearly now Lorraine has gone"
First of all, - just for some background: My Mum died right when I was born, (she was actually really, really hot- but this isn't about her. I guess that's fucked up to say, but whatever.) I actually grew up with my dad's family, because my dad has all sorts of emotional issues and he bailed before I was born. So you can see, my childhood was really kind of messed up.
Anyways, growing up I feel like there was always a lot of distance between me and my sister. When I was about 17 or 18 I first noticed that my sister was a hottie.
I don't want to go into too many details about it, but basically what happened is that I accidentally found a video that she made of herself. I knew she didn't make it for me- but I thought she was so fucking beautiful that I watched it twice. I probably would have watched it a hell of a lot more, except that like right around the time I found the video, all this crazy shit went down and I had to leave home. (My dad's family who I was staying with got in bad trouble with the law. I never talk about it).
Sooo... I was totally lusting after my sister at that point. She was also having bad trouble with the law. She was actually in custody when I left home.
My friend and I went to go pick her up. When I saw her that day, after seeing the video, I have to be honest, I just wanted to fuck her brains out. Looking back on it now, it's pretty messed up- but I think she had feelings for me too. She actually kissed me right after we came to get her... and it wasn't a sisterly kiss, you know? I mean, it wasn't like ridiculously sexual or anything, but it definitely wasn't sisterly.
After we left, we all went to crash with my Sister's friends. On the trip there, my friend sort of implied that he wanted to get with my Sister, and I got a little jealous. He's a good looking guy- and even though she was my sister- I just felt like he was competition. Not much else happened between us for a while except some maybe-sexy hugging. Pretty much everyone in my life at that point was wanted by the government, so we all moved around a lot. I'm not saying that I'm proud of it or anything, but it was kind of an awesome time.
My friend and my sister never hooked up I don't think- but I thought there was some serious sexual tension going on between them. It was around that time that I got really badly hurt in an accident. It was fucked up. I almost died. But when I was in recovery my sister came to see me, and out of the clear blue sky she started gives me this awesome, slow, passionate kiss on the lips.
Sadly (although, I guess for the best) nothing ever came of it. We spent some time apart... and I started to get really religious, so I tried not to think of her that way. It was actually going well for a long time- like I was totally over her.
But I have to say, like a year or so after all that stuff went down, we were out sailing (not like a date or anything romantic like that), and she was wearing like the hottest bikini I've ever fucking seen and it brought back all the old feelings. Sigh.
A little while later she actually wound up with my friend from before (the sexual tension guy). I can't say I was surprised. But even after she was shacking up with my friend, there was one time we were at a party... my friend was inside, and my sister and I were outside alone.
It was a really intimate moment. I think something might have happened, except that I killed the mood when I told her that Darth Vader was our father and that I had to go face him.
My cousin and his wife have a 3 year old daughter, and they're traveling to visit us cross-country for Thanksgiving. In the hotel last night, cousin (Steven) was discussing breakfast with his daughter (Emily).
Steven: "Tomorrow morning, before we leave, the hotel is going to cook us breakfast!"
Emily: "Daddy, how is the hotel going to cook us breakfast? It doesn't even have hands!"
Steven said he's never been prouder.
It was a busy day we had a whole bunch baby cows born today and our calve pens are now completely full:
Me: If we get any more calves this barn is going to turn into a mad house...
Manager: Yea any more babies and it will be complete and udder madness
We're on a road trip and my mom, a biologist, says that the moon tonight is a "Full Beaver" which used to mean that it was the last night to set beaver traps before the swamp freezes over.
My dad replies: "Wow, the last time I saw a full beaver was when that girl at the concert had a wardrobe malfunction."
Jones came home and found the bucket he had at age thrust upon him. Lolly (wife) hadnt been home in 4 years. Jones is regretting trying to live his life with God in it now. He rebukes his commitment, and throws the bucket into the air. But suddenly, the bucket changed colors: . . . ! It was staring at him, holding money in its raibow mouth. "Rainbow Money Mouth Bucket House 2: Jones' Quam with The Creator." starring Brandi, rated R
A sweet potato announced to her family that she was engaged to Brian Williams. The mother objected quite strenuously. "You can't marry Brian Williams. He's only a commentator."
Just got these two texts from my boyfriend...
-I need to get an elf hat so I can get a camera and take an "elfie"
Pretty sure he heard my groan all the way from work.
"It is hard to believe this is my 7th year pardoning a turkey. Time flies...Even if turkeys don't"