Monday, November 30, 2015

I can't believe...!

Person 1: I can't believe after all that shit they're back together!!!
Person 2: Who?!
Person 1: My ass cheeks.

I've used this many times in person, and it still cracks me up to this day lol



Submitted November 30, 2015 at 10:39PM by Kourtney95

"Mr. Smith, I have reviewed this case very carefully,"

the divorce court judge said, " and I've decided to give your wife $275 a week. ". "That's very fair, your honour," the husband said. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself. "



Submitted December 01, 2015 at 12:49AM by BlaredFelon

Dadjoked My Family When I Was Four

When I was little, my family and I (from Texas) went to Toronto for a visit. My mother told me we were going to go to the Eaton Centre. After about an hour there, I got frustrated and yelled "If this is the eatin' centre, when are we gonna eat?!"



Submitted December 01, 2015 at 12:44AM by Killer_Cherry_Pie

Sex Ed in 2015

Remember kids, 'Netflix and Chill' is only one "D" away from 'Netflix and Child.'



Submitted November 30, 2015 at 11:14PM by isthishandletaken

Fiancee gave me a good setup

Her: If there's a Mrs. Dash, what does Mr. Dash do? Me: Oh, he's a stay-at-home dad, he takes care of their daughter, Emily. Her: (blank stare) Me: They call her Em. Her: (blank stare)

I then had to explain what an em dash is, but I still got a good laugh about it. She rolled over.



Submitted December 01, 2015 at 12:00AM by israeljeff

Who do real estate people root for?

The home team! :D

a real estate car came through the car wash I work at and I thought of this



Submitted December 01, 2015 at 12:06AM by TheBlackFlame161

Why is air a lot like sex?

Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.



Submitted November 30, 2015 at 07:53PM by foreigndiplomat

Daughter comes out of bathroom screaming about a beetle on the floor

Is it John, George, Paul or Ringo?



Submitted November 30, 2015 at 11:46PM by __roasted

Driving home with my grandma.

I ask my grandma "do you remember how to play gin? She said "I don't know but I know how to drink it."



Submitted November 30, 2015 at 08:23PM by luigiknights

What do you call it when you hit a cow with a nice car?

A cadillaccident.



Submitted November 30, 2015 at 09:19PM by AFrpaso

My dad hit a deer on the highway

Me: Did you keep it for dinner?

Dad: No, he wasn't hungry anymore



Submitted November 30, 2015 at 07:38PM by Speenah

My husband just threw a glass of milk at me.

How Dairy!



Submitted November 30, 2015 at 05:27PM by eww_

What do you call two crows sitting on a branch?

Attempted murder



Submitted November 30, 2015 at 06:01PM by mr_jiffy

The Millenium Falcon is taking off...

Han Solo asks C3PO to give him a countdown, and C3PO says..

"10....8.....6.....4"

Han interrupts him and asks what the heck he's doing.

C3 says "You told me to never tell you the odds"



Submitted November 30, 2015 at 04:15PM by gamesthatown

So I Was Playing Skyrim...

and for those that don't know, you get a companion named Lydia. You can tell Lydia to do almost anything. I told Lydia to attack a horse. She started to walk to it, but stopped. I decided to kill the horse myself. After I had killed it, Lydia continued to walk towards the horse. I said, "Lydia, you don't need to beat a dead horse."



Submitted November 30, 2015 at 05:24PM by CookieBaBa

Why can't you run in a camp ground?

You can only 'ran'; it's past tents.



Submitted November 30, 2015 at 06:01PM by Hughlala_Hughsafzai

I married a prostitute and thought she was devoted solely to me

Turns out she was buy-sexual.



Submitted November 30, 2015 at 03:34PM by belly_bell

What do tight pants and a cheap hotel have in common?

No ballroom.



Submitted November 30, 2015 at 11:42AM by LoggerLager

Oldie but goodie

The scene: Day after Thanksgiving, been browsing black friday deals on my phone all day.

Me: Hey, that's cool, they've got Updoc on sale for 15 bucks.

Her: Updoc? What's Updoc?

Me: Not much, what's up with you?

Can't believe I actually pulled it off, she wouldn't speak to me for a good half-hour after that.



Submitted November 30, 2015 at 12:32PM by drdewrell

My dad after coming out of an eleven week coma

I was just randomly visiting my dad. He woke up when i was there. He opens his eyes, he's in agony and uses, what looks like all his strength to raise his finger pulse oximeter and says "E.T phone..... your mother"

I just remembered this. It was 20 years ago and I'm happy to say he is still telling terrible jokes to this day



Submitted November 30, 2015 at 12:04PM by baskmeollox

A woman arrived at a party

A woman arrived at a party & while scanning the guests she spotted an attractive man standing alone. She approached him smiled and said, "Hello. My name is Carmen." "That's a beautiful name," he replied. "Is it a family name?" "No," she replied. "As a matter of fact I gave it to myself. It represents the things that I enjoy the most - cars and men. Therefore I chose Carmen." "What's your name?" she asked. He answered "B.J. Titsengolf."



Submitted November 30, 2015 at 10:05AM by Techtorn211

Buddy in class just asked me this in class

If iron man and the silver surfer teamed up, would they be alloys?



Submitted November 30, 2015 at 10:57AM by Thegerk551

Sister just dad joked mom and I.

Mom: "so what's your agenda for the week?"

Me: "agenda?"

Mom: "yes, you always have an agenda"

Sister: "I'm pretty sure he's male"

groans

high five



Submitted November 30, 2015 at 10:59AM by Fernicuss

A lady had just stepped under the shower when she heardher doorbell ring...

Figuring whoever it was could wait, she chose to ignore the bells. After 30 seconds, the bell was again pressed followed by a man inquiring "Is anybody home? Its the blind man from town."

Annoyed, the lady quickly dried off and without bothering to clothe herself raced down the stairs.

As she opened the door with nothing on but the radio, she was greeted by a shocked by smiling man.

"Nice tits.... where do you want the blinds?"



Submitted November 30, 2015 at 07:53AM by fistingbythepool

Give a man a jacket

He'll be warm for the winter. Teach a man to jacket he won't leave the house.



Submitted November 30, 2015 at 09:59AM by the_mighty_shave

Got dad joked by my two year old.

Walked into the kitchen with my hammer to hang something up, "What's that, Daddy?" "It's a hammer, buddy." "What are you going to ham?"



Submitted November 30, 2015 at 10:36AM by Flapjack22

3 clueless men

Three very conservative men were sitting in a bar discussing their daughters.

The first man said: "I am so disappointed in my little girl. I was going through her room the other day, and found a bottle of Vodka. I did not know she drank"

The second man continued: "I know how you feel. I was going through my princess' room and found a pack of cigarettes. I had no idea that she smoked."

The third man looked at his friends longingly: "you two are very lucky. I found a condom in my daughter's room. I had no idea that she had a penis."



Submitted November 30, 2015 at 07:56AM by Only_One_Kenobi

A little boy is trying to peel the lid off his tub of yoghurt..

He gets frustrated and yells "fuckin' lid!".

His mother turns to his father and says "where do you think he got that from?"

The father says "the fuckin' fridge you dumb cunt".



Submitted November 30, 2015 at 05:22AM by shittyhilux

The Perfect Husband

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker- function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes."

WOMAN: "I'm at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$65,000."

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing. The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"

MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment.

Then he smiles and asks: "Anyone know whose phone this is?"



Submitted November 30, 2015 at 07:16AM by arul-k

What is the longest word in the English language?

Smiles. There's a mile between the two S's



Submitted November 30, 2015 at 04:39AM by witcheshitches

what did the sock post on its tinder profile?

Looking for a sole mate!



Submitted November 30, 2015 at 05:31AM by neauneau

My dad dropped this one just before my brother had to go back to college.

Context: my family is about to eat dinner, my brother is going to get a ride back to college right after we finish eating. Mom: "I feel like we need a toast or something." Dad: "well we've got some bread right here!"



Submitted November 30, 2015 at 07:22AM by Storm4geddn

Where's your bin?

A man sees that his neigjhbnour doesn't have his wheeled trash bin.

"Hey bub, where's ya bin`" "I took a little vacation for a few weeks," "No. I meant where's your bin?" "Told ya, vacation, at the beach!" "No man. Where's ya wheely bin?" "Ok, fine! I've wheely been to jail! Happy now?"



Submitted November 30, 2015 at 06:46AM by VikingTeddy

Got my mate a doozie

Her: It's really hard to eat with a blocked nose. Me: Have you tried using your mouth?



Submitted November 30, 2015 at 04:20AM by shayolden

One of the worst I've heard

What is loud and sounds like apples?

APPLES



Submitted November 30, 2015 at 05:02AM by witcheshitches

I can totally relate to batteries

I'm not included in anything either.



Submitted November 30, 2015 at 02:35AM by Big_Yazza

Sunday, November 29, 2015

What do zero and nil have in common?

Absolutely Nothing



Submitted November 29, 2015 at 09:02PM by Realistik84

Dad shows his knowledge of Asian cuisine

My girlfriend and I went to dinner with my parents tonight and one of the specials was crab wontons. My girlfriend asked the server, "how much is the wonton special?" But just before the server could answer, dad chimes in:

"The wonton special? Oh that's about 2000 pounds. I don't know what the price is though." Followed by a shit eating grin.

Thanks for always being so helpful, dad.



Submitted November 29, 2015 at 06:38PM by Lights0ff

What's the difference between Chris Brown and a Tesla?

The Tesla gets fewer battery charges in a year.



Submitted November 29, 2015 at 09:43PM by mutandi

I was kicked out of the army because I got gonorrhea

It was a dishonorable discharge



Submitted November 29, 2015 at 08:38PM by clitbeastwood

Why did Humpty Dumpty have a great fall?

To make up for a lousy summer.



Submitted November 29, 2015 at 08:51PM by peacecake

Dad hit me with 2 jokes back to back the other day

So we were bowling and I threw my first ball and only hit 9 pins. My dad asked me "You gonna use your extra ball?" I said "it's called a spare ball" he just looked at me with a shit eating grin and then I knew I got dad joked. I just rolled my eyes and threw my ball and managed to just hit the pin and as I walked back he said "Wow you sparely got that one!"

He used that joke 5 more times that game and laughed his ass off each time.



Submitted November 29, 2015 at 05:42PM by H_TOWN_HOLD_IT_DOWN

What do you call the instrument panel on a terrorist's car?

The Daesh board.

I'll see myself out.



Submitted November 29, 2015 at 05:13PM by PercivalFailed

An American spy goes to Soviet Russia.

An American spy is in Soviet Russia. He is digging up information on a powerful Russian politician, and is pretending to be a Russian.

He finds the politician in a bar, and walks in, dressed in Russian attire. Everybody in the bar looks at him, but he keeps his cool. He orders a drink, and walks to the politician.

"Greetings, comrade", says the spy, but before he could finish his sentence, the Russian says, "I think you are American spy".

The spy is alarmed, but being a skilled, trained spy, he says, "that is not true, I am the proudest Soviet there is! I can sing the anthem more beautifully than any other man in the country!"

He then proceeds to sing the Soviet anthem, so melodically and beautifully. Everybody in the bar cheers.

"Very good, very good!", says the politician. "But I still think you are spy."

The man continues to keep his cool. "I am a historian! I can tell you everything about this glorious country!". He then spends about two hours recounting the Revolution, the Great Patriotic War, about how superior to the Russia is in terms of technology compared to America, and makes a great argument about how communism is beneficial to society.

"Amazing! You are skilled!", says the politician. The spy smirks. "But I still think you American spy." The spy is getting frustrated, but still unfazed. He replies, "I am good drinker, a true Russian! Let us drink, and see who can come out top!"

The bar turns its attention to the politician and the spy, who are now in a drinking contest. The bartender serves drink after drink of vodka. After about an hour of drinking, the politician nearly passes out, unable to hold as much liquor as the spy, to a resounding cheer amongst the bar.

In the midst of the cheering, the Russian politician gets up, smiling, and in a slurred speech, repeats "You are good, you are good... but I still think you are spy."

The American spy, piss drunk, loses his skill and gives up. "Okay, you got me. I am an American. But what made you think that way, after all this time?"

The Russian politician replies, "there aren't many black people in Russia."



Submitted November 29, 2015 at 06:18PM by IWannaFuckEllenPage

What does someone with a foot fetish wish for?

To meet their solemate.



Submitted November 29, 2015 at 03:28PM by GeneralSparky

My friend is my dad

Me while eating wok: I can't get through to my noodles.

Friend: Have you tried talking to them?



Submitted November 29, 2015 at 05:24PM by Ejsuuu

Dad went to bed, then came downstairs 5 minutes later to ask if I got his text

Check my phone,

"iTired...there's a nap for that"



Submitted November 29, 2015 at 04:23PM by giantantreal

Why don't blind people skydive?

It scares the fuck out of the dog.



Submitted November 29, 2015 at 02:13PM by Christian_Whey

Dadjokes at Disney World

In line for a ride, my elder daughter had been acting up a bit. When the cast member asked me the number in our party, I said "pi". At the curious look, I explained that she was a little irrational today.



Submitted November 29, 2015 at 02:20PM by leftcontact

Why do cows have hooves instead of feet? Because they lactose

No text found

Submitted November 29, 2015 at 01:35PM by Lewisjb92

My son just got me while Christmas decorating

I was putting up my Christmas tree lights while my wife and my 10 year old read over a list of obscure phobias.

"Hey Dad what's the fear if Santa called?"

Claustrophobia



Submitted November 29, 2015 at 02:42PM by FreakInThePen

Did you hear about that deathly ill frog?

He ended up croaking.



Submitted November 29, 2015 at 01:11PM by Din0_B0t

My brother just threw a carton of milk at me

wtf , how dairy



Submitted November 29, 2015 at 09:24AM by BillCryTheSadGuy

When my first wife lost her credit card, I didn't report it.

Because whoever found it was spending less than she was.



Submitted November 29, 2015 at 01:22PM by BitStern

Construction with dad

Dad and I have been replacing the fence in his back yard the last few weeks when I'm off work. We had the posts up but he finally put up the fence boards, and they're enormously tall. I reacted when I saw them.

"Jeez, dad, are you building a great wall?"

"No, a fence."

"None taken."

He responded with a glorious eye roll. It said, "I'm proud of you, son."



Submitted November 29, 2015 at 02:08PM by tekhnomancer

A man takes his seat at the World Cup Final. He looks to his left and notices that there is a spare seat between himself and the next guy.

The man: “Who would ever miss the World Cup final?”

The guy: “That was my wife’s seat. We have been to the last five World Cup finals together, but sadly she passed away.”

The man: “That’s terrible, but couldn’t you get another member of the family, friend, or someone else to come with you?”

The guy: “No…they are all at the funeral!”



Submitted November 29, 2015 at 12:30PM by thebestofthebest13

...so I heard that there's a new broom out.

Apparently it's sweeping the nation.



Submitted November 29, 2015 at 12:47PM by MrEdwardBrown

"Do you have a vagina?"

A woman is at home when she hears someone knock at the door.She goes to the door and opens the door to see a man standing there He asks the lady, 'Do you have a vagina?' She slams the door in disgust. The next morning she hears a knock at the door and it is the same man and he asks the same question of the woman, 'Do you have a vagina?' She slams the door again. Later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has happened for the last two days. The husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice, 'Honey, I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in case this guy shows up again.' The next morning they hear a knock and both run for the door. The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice, 'Honey, I'm going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to see where the bastard is going with it.' She nods yes to her husband and opens the door. Sure enough the same fellow is standing there and asks the same question; 'Do you have vagina'? 'Yes, actually I have one,' she says. The man replies.. 'Good! Would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours?'



Submitted November 29, 2015 at 10:03AM by Techtorn211

Girlfriend went to a medieval restaurant in Latvia today. The distance can't stop the jokes.

Today I had an update of her meal there.

She told it was a very nice meal but they had deer soup.

I told her she should have checked the price 1st



Submitted November 29, 2015 at 11:34AM by suffolksub

Johnny was in class one day...

and the teacher was asking everyone what their parents do. One said her dad was a firefighter, another said his mom was a nurse. When the teach asked Johnny what his dad does Johnny said "Well my dad is a stripper in a gay bar, and if the guy looks good and the money is right he'll have sex with him out back in the alley." The teacher asked everyone to take their seats and sit quietly, then asked Johnny to step into the hall. She asked Johnny if his dad was really a stripper in a gay bar and Johnny said "Absolutely not. He's the quarterback for the Dallas Cowboys, but I was too embarrassed to say that."



Submitted November 29, 2015 at 10:37AM by ms3ryan

A mute walks into a bar...

No text found

Submitted November 29, 2015 at 09:37AM by WJMack

How come Peter Pan is always flying?

Because he Neverlands.



Submitted November 29, 2015 at 08:40AM by shagvanman

A man on his death bed requested his wife, 3 sons,

his nurse and a camera to be set up to record his final moments. Which were as follows... "To my son David, I leave the 2 blocks of flats in the East end of London," "To my other son Michael , I leave the 4 penthouse's in Chelsea," "and finally to my eldest son Kevin, I leave the big glass building near tower bridge". With that he slipped away. The nurse turned to the wife and said "I never realised your husband was so wealthy, you and your sons are very lucky" His wife swiftly replied "Was he Hell ! He was a "bloody window cleaner!"



Submitted November 29, 2015 at 04:48AM by tork2222

What's the diagnosis for a person who loves fake wood furniture?

Veneerial disease.



Submitted November 29, 2015 at 07:22AM by rainbowdongs

5 years old cousin just cracked a dadjoke.

This happened 2 minutes ago. My uncle asked me yesterday to download some games and put them in my 5 years old cousin's PSP, when I put the games in the PSP it didn't recognize them, so when my little cousin asked me today about his PSP I told him "The PSP didn't recognize the games" and he just looked at me with a grin on his face and said "That's because he'd never met them before". I'm proud. EDIT : Spelling mistakes. PS : Ignore my shitty English, not my first language.



Submitted November 29, 2015 at 06:15AM by IKrato

I don't understand why women love singing "Let it go"...

...Since most of them keep grudges for life.



Submitted November 29, 2015 at 04:31AM by comrade_batman

I started carrying a gun after an attempted mugging a few years ago

Since then my muggings have been much more successful.



Submitted November 28, 2015 at 10:25PM by amnonymous

My dad posted a picture of his "Condom challenge fail"

It was a picture of me



Submitted November 29, 2015 at 03:31AM by jajmajestic

Saturday, November 28, 2015

Me to my nut allergic girlfriend.

Me - "We're going to the Peanuts movie eh?"

Her - "Yes that's what we planned right?"

Me - "Yeah, I just hope you don't have an allergic reaction"



Submitted November 29, 2015 at 02:09AM by jthomas18

Two men were sitting next to each other at Murphy’s Pub in London.

After awhile, one bloke looks at the other and says, ‘I can’t help but think, from listening to you, that you’re from Ireland’

The other bloke responds proudly, ‘Yes, that I am!’

The first one says, ‘So am I! And where about from Ireland might you be?’

The other bloke answers, ‘I’m from Dublin, I am.’

The first one responds, ‘So am I!’

‘Mother Mary and begora. And what street did you live on in Dublin ?’

The other bloke says, ‘A lovely little area it was. I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town.’

The first one says, ‘Faith and it’s a small world. So did I! So did I! And to what school would you have been going?’

The other bloke answers, ‘Well now, I went to St. Mary’s, of course.’

The first one gets really excited and says, ‘And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?’

The other bloke answers, ‘Well, now, let’s see. I graduated in 1964.’

The first one exclaims, ‘The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same place tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary’s in 1964 my own self!’

About this time, Vicky walks up to the bar, sits down and orders a drink.

Brian, the barman, walks over to Vicky, shaking his head and mutters, ‘It’s going to be a long night tonight.’

Vicky asks, ‘Why do you say that, Brian?’

‘The Murphy twins are drunk again.’



Submitted November 28, 2015 at 11:48PM by opie2

Dad joked at bathtime.

I was tasked with bed and bathtime for the kids at my folk's house thanksgiving night. We were all staying over (it was a large house), and i had my own daughter and her cousin, both five years old, to put to bed because everyone else had too much wine with dinner or were too tired to deal with it. The kids were still hyper so i said to them "guys, i need you to get naked." Well my smart ass nephew ran to the kitchen, opened the fridge, and pulled out a bottle of my mom's naked brand juice and brought it me, said he got naked for me.

I was so proud.



Submitted November 29, 2015 at 12:51AM by Starzajo

Told a dad joke while meeting my girlfriend's family

So it was my first time meeting my girlfriend's family and it was a holiday so I had assumed it would go like how it is in the movies, the guy being constantly criticized by the girl's family and told he's not good enough but I must have lucked out as they absolutely loved me, after we had the traditional thanksgiving meal at around 4, her family and I went to the porch to drink and joke around. On the way out to the porch, buzzed me thought it would be hilarious to take someone's ukelele with me and hide it on the porch, I promised myself that before the day is over, I'd use that ukelele as a joke piece and get everyone to love me even more. So the evening is going great, everyone's drunk, laughing, telling funny family stories when all of a sudden, I stand up, get everyone's attention and I grab the ukelele, picked it up and said

"I like to play a little guitar"

The hysterical, drunken laughs of everyone on the porch was the highlight of the best Thanksgiving I've ever had.



Submitted November 29, 2015 at 12:52AM by blacksplosiveness

Why don't pirates drive on mountain roads?

'Scurvy



Submitted November 28, 2015 at 08:50PM by jps98

All last night I dreamed I was a muffler...

I woke up exhausted



Submitted November 28, 2015 at 09:04PM by Ex1tStrategy

A gay deer walks into a bar

After a long night he comes stumbling out and says, "I can't believe I just blew 50 bucks in there"



Submitted November 28, 2015 at 07:09PM by trace_face19

On the topic of baked goods

My uncle: "The baked goods at the Anderson's (local grocery store) are pretty good."

Me: "I guess that's why the call them baked "goods" and not baked "bads.""

I'm a 24 year old female and still got groans from my uncle and dad.



Submitted November 28, 2015 at 10:16PM by kubricks_cube

A bus stops in New York and 2 Italian men get on.

They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.

The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following(italian accent):

 'Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more! Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time.' 

The lady can't take this any more,

'You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig!' she retorted indignantly.

'In this country, we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives!'

'Hey, coola down lady,' said the man. '

Who talkin' bouta sex?

I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell 'Mississippi.'



Submitted November 28, 2015 at 04:33PM by Kreep12

You got to hand it to blind prostitutes...

No text found

Submitted November 28, 2015 at 06:24PM by IwalkedTheDinosaur

Just saw a couple of dudes trying to grab an old lady's purse so I ran over to help.

We got it off her eventually



Submitted November 28, 2015 at 05:28PM by TheMacBro

Bear Grylls

So, Bear Grylls was brought up in a conversation during Thanksgiving dinner. My dad decides to chime in, saying

"I prefer my Grylls painted".

Just let that one sink in.



Submitted November 28, 2015 at 08:44PM by brocklefrog

I went to the librarian and I asked if they had the book about Pavlov's dog and Schrodinger's cat...

She said it a rang a bell, but she wasn't sure if they had it or not



Submitted November 28, 2015 at 04:10PM by benofepmn

Taking a family photo outside for our Christmas card...

... and it's cold and I want to go inside, so I start suggesting indoor pictures.

Me: "Let's take a picture by the fireplace. Or the piano."
Dad: "How would we get the piano out here? Think, son!"
Me: ...
Dad: [laughs uproariously at self]



Submitted November 28, 2015 at 05:34PM by Habefiet

Heard this from a friend...

Friend told their Dad that Archimedes' principal was now on one of the GCSE courses.

They replied: "What has it displaced?"



Submitted November 28, 2015 at 04:49PM by JThistl3

Would you like some Thanksgiving leftovers?

No thanks. I've quit cold turkey.



Submitted November 28, 2015 at 02:41PM by MyNameIsShurt

$100 Bill

A: Why are you late? B: There was a man who lost a hundred dollar bill. A: That's nice. Were you helping him look for it? B: No, I was standing on it.



Submitted November 28, 2015 at 01:47PM by sofia008

In the style of Arnold Schwarzenegger: "I'll be back"

"You be Mozart. You be Beethoven. You be Chopin."



Submitted November 28, 2015 at 02:43PM by justinj2000

Armenian riddles are all basically dad jokes

"What is green, hanging on a wall and squealing?"

Answer: "A herring." Why is the herring green? "Well, it's my herring, I painted it as I pleased." But why is it hanging on the wall? "It's my herring, I can hang it anywhere I wish." But why is the herring squealing? "I added squealing to make it harder to solve my riddle."

http://ift.tt/1Ni32Jw



Submitted November 28, 2015 at 02:09PM by whythecynic

How do you kill a guy with a coconut allergy?

You put a bounty on his head.



Submitted November 28, 2015 at 12:17PM by DoesOneLiftWeights

Why did the ghost cross the road?

To come back from the other side.



Submitted November 28, 2015 at 12:20PM by Jankyn

Dad's suggestion at the theater's concession stand

Order an icee and ask for no ice



Submitted November 28, 2015 at 01:30PM by Flobandz

So the other day, my friend told me that I have no idea what irony meant...

Which was pretty ironic, considering we were at a bus stop.



Submitted November 28, 2015 at 11:30AM by PurpleBandit3000

Something my dad told me when I first started driving

Dad: Take a left up ahead

Me: Alright

Dad: No, all left



Submitted November 28, 2015 at 01:01PM by PingPongPlaya17

What do Taylor Swift and Charlie Sheen have in common?

Bad blood.



Submitted November 28, 2015 at 05:41AM by Unidrake

Confucius say: Nazi soldier who popular with ladies may be Hungaryan.

No text found

Submitted November 28, 2015 at 11:10AM by bentwookiee69

Photographers are so violent.

They'll frame you, shoot you, blow you up and then hang you.



Submitted November 28, 2015 at 11:36AM by bean9914

Did you hear about the chameleon who couldn't change colors?

He had a reptile disfunction.



Submitted November 28, 2015 at 12:05PM by Beatminerz

A guy was walking to a bar...

...and on his way he found a girl tied up to the railroad tracks. He untied her and they had sex. Guy gets to the bar, friends ask why he's so late, tells them about the girl he found and all the different positions they fucked in. Friends give him props and ask if he got head, guy replies "I couldn't find it."



Submitted November 28, 2015 at 10:13AM by WhatWeDo357

My sister was telling us that she was thinking about studying midwifery.

Uncle: Not full-wifery then?

Me: Babysteps.



Submitted November 28, 2015 at 11:01AM by Trundles

This just happened

Mom(to me): do you want some fried eggs?

Dad: how about some Saturday-eggs?

Mom:(sigh)



Submitted November 28, 2015 at 10:44AM by send_me_pineapples

Where do you find a dog that has no legs?

Where you left it.



Submitted November 28, 2015 at 07:32AM by sleitchen

I have a new favorite thing to say when someone says they're a dog person.

"You're not a dog-person, you're 100% person!"



Submitted November 28, 2015 at 10:06AM by LuigiEatsPopcorn

Dad: "that's why you'll never see organic apples, they look too unappealing"

Me: "well apples don't need to look good, it's bananas that you need to be a-peeling" He was so proud.



Submitted November 28, 2015 at 09:37AM by trippywoodsct

I think I did my best ever dad joke last night...

My three year old daughter commented that our cat, Missy, is older than her at seven years old. My wife stated that Missy will be eight this Christmas. I said "only if we can't afford a turkey".



Submitted November 28, 2015 at 08:58AM by hazmog

The casting call for the new wolverine is out.

They are looking for a huge jacked man.



Submitted November 28, 2015 at 05:58AM by defiantkinglion

Theory vs reality

A boy comes home with the assignment of learning theory vs reality. So he asks his dad for help. "Ok son, ask your sister if she'd sleep with Justin Bieber for a million bucks." Kid comes back and says "Yeah dad she would." "Ok now ask your mom if she'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million bucks." Kid ask his mom. "Mom said she sure would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million bucks." Dad says "Now in THEORY we have two million dollars, in REALITY..... we live with a couple of whores."



Submitted November 27, 2015 at 11:20PM by meganutsdeathpunch

Got dad joked by the girl I'm seeing. I'm so proud NSFW and TMI

We decided to do anal tonight for the first time.

After the act, we are both sitting on the couch talking about how poop could have happened and she starts laughing.

"Why are you laughing right now?

"I only do anal for shits and giggles."

....I am a lucky man



Submitted November 28, 2015 at 02:43AM by Moose_Jitsu

Friday, November 27, 2015

Why does it suck to work for the NSA during the winter?

Because if it snows, you can't call and say you're snowed in.



Submitted November 27, 2015 at 09:23PM by ZebrAlpha

Sequel to Boyz n the Hood

My dad dropped this on me today.

Dad: When I was growing up there was a Movie called Boyz n the Hood

Me: Okay dad

Dad: Then a sequel came out and it was called Girlz n the Trunk

Me: >_>



Submitted November 28, 2015 at 02:01AM by zoatmbie232

Your dad sent me up here to have sex with both of you

Paddy has a broken leg and his buddy Mick comes over to see him. Mick says, "How you doin'?"

Paddy says, "Okay, but do me a favour mate, run upstairs and get me slippers, me feet are freezing."

Mick goes upstairs and sees Paddy's gorgeous 19-year old twin daughters lying on the bed.

He says, "Your dad sent me up here to have sex with both of you."

They say, "Get away with ya... we don't believe you."

Mick shouts downstairs, "Paddy, both of 'em?"

Paddy shouts back, "Of course both of 'em, what's the point of fuckin' one?"



Submitted November 28, 2015 at 12:54AM by Akhi1

I saved 15% on car insurance by switching....

The gear to reverse and pulling away from the accident



Submitted November 27, 2015 at 09:14PM by eric0017

Why can't mexicans play uno?

They steal all the green cards.



Submitted November 27, 2015 at 09:17PM by TheBaragon

I think my youngest sister has the potential to be a great dad one day.

Both of my sisters have runny noses.

Eldest sister: My runny nose is so gross.

Youngest sister: Mine is snot.



Submitted November 27, 2015 at 06:51PM by horosupa

Is Google male or female?

Female, because it doesn't let you finish a sentence before making a suggestion.



Submitted November 27, 2015 at 07:14PM by simonetreuhand

My dad told me I should fuck both of you.

Dad and Son in the living room when dad feet's get cold. "Get my slippers from upstairs". While upstairs he sees two of his sisters friends so he goes up to both of them, "My Dad told me to come up here and fuck both of you". "you're lying", OK I will prove it "Dad, did you say both of them?"

"what's the point of fucking one".



Submitted November 27, 2015 at 06:30PM by billzy02

Enjoying Thanksgiving break with my very white family...

My uncle walked out of his bedroom wearing a green sweatshirt. My mom perked up and exclaimed in all excitement, "That's my favorite color!" My uncle, unflinching and without missing a beat replied, "Caucasian?" And gives the most wry smile in the midst of a racially awkward silence. I inappropriately giggled. I might be kicked out of the family.

P. S. I know it's not my dad, but he's a dad to some of the people who were in the room. So it counts.



Submitted November 27, 2015 at 09:13PM by aleclynch

Some acids walked into the enemy base...

Threat Neutralized.



Submitted November 27, 2015 at 02:24PM by Jasonblox6

I cried when my dad chopped up onions

onions was a good dog :c



Submitted November 27, 2015 at 04:10PM by Pargphee

My 7yr old got me: If the pilgrims were still alive today, what would they be famous for?

Being like 400 years old.



Submitted November 27, 2015 at 06:35PM by YOLO4JESUS420SWAG

Thanksgiving granddad joke

At thanksgiving dinner we were talking about pianos since my parents and my grandparents both have upright pianos. My dad asked what kind of piano my grandparents had and got the response from my granddad "an upright grand. Which means you have a downright shame."



Submitted November 27, 2015 at 05:53PM by slinckkey

What did Scar say after he fixed his car horn?

BEEP REPAIRED



Submitted November 27, 2015 at 05:23PM by pickelsurprise

So Donald Trump wants to be president and move into the white house. Why not?

It wouldn't be the first time he pushed a black family out of their home.

 

 

credits to Snoop Dogg @ Donald Trump roast



Submitted November 27, 2015 at 01:39PM by plaj

Scientists have grown human vocal chords in a Petri dish.

The results speak for themselves.



Submitted November 27, 2015 at 01:28PM by Battle4Seattle

What's not 50% off today?

Health insurance



Submitted November 27, 2015 at 12:58PM by MISREADS_YOUR_POSTS

How do you say goodbye to an Indonesian?

with a big wave



Submitted November 27, 2015 at 01:36PM by _marther_

Why did the pencil go to the doctor?

He felt a sharp pain.



Submitted November 27, 2015 at 02:33PM by Zac_Marble

Money or Sex

A woman preparing to leave her husband casually informs him, "I'm going to become a hooker. I can make $400 for what I give you for free."

"I'm coming with you," the man replies. "I want to see you live on $800 a year."



Submitted November 27, 2015 at 01:14PM by Battle4Seattle

You know, dad jokes really should be called...

Pop-Corn.



Submitted November 27, 2015 at 01:47PM by cartomize

A father and a son

one day were walking down a road when the little Johnny sees a beetle laying on the ground with his feet up and asks his father "Dad what's wrong with that beetle?", his dad tells him that the beetle has died and has his feet up because it will be easier for God to pick him up to the heaven when he comes down. And the Johnny starts crying and tells his Dad that his mother was going to die too, Dad: "What, how!". Johnny: "This morning, she was holding her feet up and screaming oh God here I come, luckily the neighbour was there holding her down".

sorry english not my first language.



Submitted November 27, 2015 at 05:32AM by agonny

/

/



Submitted November 27, 2015 at 01:19PM by drDOOM_is_in

I was doing some electrical work for a friend who recently moved into a new place

Since he was my buddy, I was doing this thing for next to nothing. He called me up the other morning and our conversation went as follows

"Hey buddy, do you think you could come by my place and install a couple of heaters?" "Yeah for sure! Consider it a 'house warming' gift."

I could basically hear his eyes rolling.



Submitted November 27, 2015 at 01:21PM by ThousandSunsOfFury

The worst part of Thanksgiving...

...is that my farts smell so fowl.



Submitted November 27, 2015 at 12:57PM by FluffyGrandmother

What rock group has 4 members that don't sing?

Mount Rushmore



Submitted November 27, 2015 at 02:10AM by FilmingMachine

Johnny threw a pack of cards at Jenny

Jenny started crying but the teacher told her to deal with it



Submitted November 27, 2015 at 09:31AM by Speedhoven

Right and Wrong

Mrs Cameron, a primary teacher, was teaching her class about the difference between right and wrong.

"All right children, let's take an example," Mrs Cameron said. "If I were to get into a man's pocket and take his wallet with all his money, what would I be?"

Little Tony raises his hand, and with a confident smile says, "You'd be his wife."



Submitted November 27, 2015 at 11:14AM by sofia008

My melon tried to get married.

I said "you cantaloupe"!



Submitted November 27, 2015 at 12:37PM by bridgeheadprod

Dad was talking about guessing weight...

He said he's so good at it because he was born in a time before scales - even fish were naked.



Submitted November 27, 2015 at 10:50AM by ceilius

What do chinese people do when they have an erection?

they vote



Submitted November 27, 2015 at 09:52AM by PM_ME_RENGAR_R34

I had only one shot. As I prepared to fire everyone was confused why I demanded that they only countdown the even numbers...

And so I reminded them, "never tell me the odds."



Submitted November 27, 2015 at 11:23AM by mrsenormonsieur

A Bulgarian, French and US soldier died and went to hell.

The devil was in a good mood so he offered them a deal:

I have two simple task for you. If you pass them I will let you go to heaven, if not - eternal damnation.

Having no other option, the soldiers agreed.

For the first task go away and bring back the weapon you defended your country with.

So the soldiers did.
The Bulgarian came back with a small gun and the French with a bazooka.

For the second task - shove them up your as and fire them once.

The Bulgarian shoved the little gun up his backside, pulled the trigger and instantly was granted wings and ascended to heaven. Seeing this, the Frenchman started pushing the bazooka in. As the devil watched, he saw that the soldier will push-cry-laugh, push-cry-laugh...

Why are you crying?

Asked the devil.

I'm in pain.
Then, why are you laughing?
Oh, don't mind me... The American is bringing a tank.



Submitted November 27, 2015 at 06:38AM by danielhorror

[Android] Collection of the top dad jokes



Submitted November 27, 2015 at 07:49AM by onyourways

Oceans are the friendliest bodies of water.

They always greet you with a wave.



Submitted November 27, 2015 at 07:34AM by scienceofthestars

Why can't pirates learn the alphabet?

Because they spend years at C.



Submitted November 27, 2015 at 05:58AM by numbermaniac

My boss's dad used to carry a coin with T-U-I-T around the outer edge.

When ever he asked someone when they were going to get something done and they replied with "When I get around to it."

He would hand them the coin.



Submitted November 26, 2015 at 10:56PM by CANIBALFOODFITE

I want to grab just one asparagus...

Why not grab a PAIR-a-gus?



Submitted November 26, 2015 at 11:46PM by IcedBanana

Non-alcoholic beer is like eating out your sister.

It tastes the same but it's still wrong.



Submitted November 27, 2015 at 02:23AM by SDxJack

Thursday, November 26, 2015

My wife asked if we had any limocello . . .

I don't think she liked my answer.

http://ift.tt/1XuKPd8



Submitted November 27, 2015 at 12:51AM by Other_Mike

Why does Irish bean soup have exactly 239 beans in it?

(Irish accent) Because one more and it would be too farty.



Submitted November 26, 2015 at 10:00PM by Jack6503

Wait, what?

On the phone with my dad:

Dad: "Mom says she loves you."

Me: "Tell her I love her back"

Dad: "Her back? Why don't you love her front?"

Me: "wut"



Submitted November 26, 2015 at 10:54PM by findvision

How many philosophers does it take to change a lightbulb?

Well it depends on what you mean by change.



Submitted November 26, 2015 at 09:15PM by LogicRulesOverAll

Dad joked my GF this morning...

My girlfriend made me an omelet this morning and afterward this conversation occurs: Her: "What did you think of the omelet?" Me: "I thought it was eggs-elent!" Her: ........ Me: " what...? It was just a yolk... "

She didn't appreciate it. Hopefully you guys do.



Submitted November 26, 2015 at 09:55PM by dragonbearisreal

What does Miley Cyrus serve on Thanksgiving?

Twerky.

Compliments of my 6 year old son.



Submitted November 26, 2015 at 04:57PM by ntexflaneur

Dad dropped this one on us today at thanksgiving dinner

What's brown and rhymes with Snoop Dogg? ..

..

..

Dr. Dre



Submitted November 26, 2015 at 08:38PM by teamdragonunicorn

What do you call children who are born into a Whorehouse?

Brothel Sprouts.



Submitted November 26, 2015 at 08:03PM by Metallieca

Don't forget to set your scales back 10 lbs tonight!

No text found

Submitted November 26, 2015 at 08:30PM by maybesco

Teacher: "Anyone who thinks he's stupid may stand up!"

Nobody stands up Teacher: "Im sure there are some stupid students over here!!" Little Johnny stands up Teacher: "Ohh, Johnny you think you're stupid?" Little Johnny: "No... i just feel bad that you're standing alone..."



Submitted November 26, 2015 at 03:34PM by boycamslove

My boss dropped this one at our team meeting.

We have a 10 minute safety/health segment before each meeting, and one of the suggestions in the presentation was to reduce alcohol intake.

My boss, about a colleague who loves his drink but recently had liver issues -

"Yeah, Dave doesn't drink anymore...he just doesn't drink any less." WINK



Submitted November 26, 2015 at 04:38PM by Haskens

My uncle dropped this one.

He was showing his daughter a picture of a large statue of Athena.

Daughter: "Jesus Christ"

Uncle: "No. That's Athena."



Submitted November 26, 2015 at 07:18PM by Eluviete

Swearing

sitting in a coffee shop with my girlfriend and 4 yr old daughter. kid's looking at the letters on the coffee cups

Kid: Daddy, why are the letters all smooshed together?

Gf: It's called handwriting.

Kid: What's the last letter? I don't remember it...

Gf: It's an "S". Do you know a word that starts with S?

Me: Shit.

Gf: And why, of all words, did you use "shit"?

Me: I'm speaking in cursive

Gf: ಠ_ಠ



Submitted November 26, 2015 at 07:31PM by Lamb3ntSpartan

Nerds

A truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar he sees a big sign on the door saying "Nerds Not Allowed - Enter At Your Own Risk!" He goes in and sits down.

The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, says, "You smell kind of nerdy. What do you do for a living?"

The truck driver says, "I drive a truck, and the smell is just from the computers I am hauling."

The bartender says, "Okay, truck drivers are not nerds." and serves him a beer. As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away.

The truck driver said, totally shocked, "Why did you do that?"

The bartender said, "Not to worry, the nerds are overpopulating Silicon Valley and are in season now. You don't even need a license."

The truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads back onto the freeway. Suddenly he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers. They are all engineers, accountants and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen.

He can't let them steal his whole load. So, remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly. A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop.

The truck driver said, "What's wrong? I thought nerds were in season."

"Well, sure," said the patrolman. "But you can't bait 'em."



Submitted November 26, 2015 at 03:24PM by weaverl47

Got the nurse at my doctors appointment yesterday.

I had a doctors appointment yesterday and had to get an injection in my eyeball. The nurse started going over all of the side-effects and I asked her, "will I be able to fly in the next few days?" She says, "yeah, no problem."

I replied, "Holy cow, I've always wanted to fly!"

She groaned but my fiancé and I were cracking up.



Submitted November 26, 2015 at 06:44PM by 84_567977_79

My friend's dropped this heavy one on me yesterday

Russian thanksgiving: Turkey shoots you!



Submitted November 26, 2015 at 03:05PM by CommanderDerpington

Thanksgiving is probably the only day that there are more searches for "stuffing" on Google than on PornHub.

No text found

Submitted November 26, 2015 at 12:53PM by YourNameIsIrrelevant

My grandpa says he's going in the door repair business.

He read in the paper that all the businesses will have busted doors tomorrow.



Submitted November 26, 2015 at 06:02PM by joeyoly

I taught you how to use a spoon

My brother was giving my father crap for being technologically impaired. My dad replies, you may know how to use that damn iPad better than me, but I bought your first computer and taught you how to use a spoon, you dick.

Not a dadpun, but he dropped the dad facts.



Submitted November 26, 2015 at 06:13PM by cooterholland

Apparently my friends think I'm paranoid.

I fucking knew it.



Submitted November 26, 2015 at 11:14AM by Sir_Vyvin

Did you hear that Caitlyn Jenner is starting to put on a lot of weight?

Now she identifies as Trans-fat.



Submitted November 26, 2015 at 05:22PM by Th3BlackLotus

Watching the news with my dad

A story was on TV about Turkey shooting down a Russian plane because it invaded their airspace. My dad said, "It is so nice that Turkey can finally stand up for itself before Thanksgiving." My sister and I laughed, my mom just shook her head.



Submitted November 26, 2015 at 04:19PM by shannylove2

I told my wife I like my apples like I like my penis

In cider



Submitted November 26, 2015 at 12:05PM by NiagaraRises

What do you get when you cross the Atlantic with the Titanic?

About half way.



Submitted November 26, 2015 at 03:25PM by Robot_Cyndaquil

Got my kid while cooking Thanksgiving dinner

She asked why I was microwaving the sweet potatoes instead of putting them in the oven and I told her that the turkey was in there, and I still needed to use the oven for the dressing, the veggies, and then the pie.

"Wow, there's a long waiting list for the oven!" she exclaimed.

I replied, "Yep, guess you could say it's the hot place to be tonight."



Submitted November 26, 2015 at 03:37PM by thrifty917

Almost got stabbed to bring you this one...

My wife was working on a green bean casserole and couldn't find one of the ingredients.

Wife: Have you seen the can of fried onions?

Me: What does it look like?

Wife: White container, red writing.

Me [Feigning hopeful tones]: Little red writing?

Wife [Relieved]: Yeah!

Me: ...hood?

Wife brandishes knife.



Submitted November 26, 2015 at 03:40PM by chaosTechnician

My dad, "Never say Hi to anyone named Jack at the airport."

No text found

Submitted November 26, 2015 at 02:26PM by Ryan_da_5_9

My girlfriend is tired of my my architectural puns, and made me choose between my jokes or her. As much as I love my puns...

... I cantilever.



Submitted November 26, 2015 at 02:14PM by JustHach

Call me sentimental, but do you ever look at an uncooked turkey and just think, "Where does the thyme go?"



Submitted November 26, 2015 at 02:20PM by CspiceLeReddit

Non-Profit Salaries

My dad was talking about salaries of non profit CEOs.

Me:how much does the Alzheimer's association CEO get paid

Dad: he makes 2.7 million a year.

Dad: but I bet they forgot how much they paid him.

Me:facepalm



Submitted November 26, 2015 at 02:02PM by Awwik

What do you call a noisy Chinese dog?

How-Ling (my dad wanted me to post this)



Submitted November 26, 2015 at 02:10PM by Rambo7112

What's the difference between a genealogist and a gynecologist?

A genealogist looks up the family tree, a gynecologist looks up the family bush. (Credit to my uncle)



Submitted November 26, 2015 at 12:35PM by mikemiles19

What's a terrorists favorite sex toy? [NSFW]

A blow up doll!



Submitted November 26, 2015 at 10:44AM by animeisbae

How do you think the unthinkable?

With an itheberg.



Submitted November 26, 2015 at 06:03AM by terranghost0703

A concussion is an injury that is all in your head

No text found

Submitted November 26, 2015 at 12:43PM by The_johnarch

Hey guess what!?

Turkey butt!

Ahahahaha



Submitted November 26, 2015 at 12:14PM by SpecialGuestDJ

The tour guide in Belgium had us groaning...

While on a river tour in Ghent, the guide took us passed a very old library. She said that in the Middle Ages, when rebels attacked the town, then threw all the books (over 300,000) out of the windows and into the river. There were so many books that it was said you could walk from one side to the other without your feet touching the water. Then the bit that made us groan - she said that although today all the books are gone from the river, they still have very intelligent fish.



Submitted November 26, 2015 at 12:28PM by UpInTheSpiders

Looks like someone is ready for the holidays!



Submitted November 26, 2015 at 11:49AM by LordJohnSnow

If something bad were to happen tomorrow...

It would be a dark day...



Submitted November 26, 2015 at 11:57AM by FSMonToast

Understanding Engineers

Two engineering students were biking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice: The clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."



Submitted November 26, 2015 at 09:15AM by iDrifter

My wife was in it today.

My niece made a gingerbread house yesterday, and my mom got drunk and accidentally broke it last night. Me, my dad and my wife were rebuilding it just now. My wife his holding up a couple walls while my dad is applying the frosting to hold them together.

Dad: how you doing Katie? Wife: fine, I'm holding up....

Pretty good wife, pretty good.



Submitted November 26, 2015 at 11:21AM by Seethesvt

Nowhere near original but I got a slow head turn reaction

Girlfriend reading article on phone.

I comment "what is this guy holding in the photo?"

She says "mushrooms"

I said "wow". They were huge mushrooms.

She says "Yeah this guy has found a way to cultivate natural pesticides from fungi and has a patent too"

My response "Wow. He seems like a really fun guy!"



Submitted November 26, 2015 at 11:31AM by PM_COFFEE_TO_ME

My dad and music

Family and I were having a conversation at dinner last night. My sister was educating us about violin equipment prices and such.

Grandpa: Wait, so you're telling me violin bows can cost up to $15,000?

Sister: Yeah, they're really expensive!

Dad: Well I guess if you didn't have one, the music would sound like bowcrap.



Submitted November 26, 2015 at 11:48AM by Argon1an_Overlord

I've just bought a house with period features

She hates that nickname.



Submitted November 26, 2015 at 08:36AM by ithinkitsthis

Why did God create Adam before he created Eve?

So no one would tell him how to make Adam.



Submitted November 26, 2015 at 08:32AM by thewintersoviet

Why are aliens fond of french desserts?

Because E.T. Scone home.



Submitted November 26, 2015 at 11:00AM by dacomputernerd

I was in a tailor.

I said to the guy, "I need something for a wedding."

"What's that?" he queried.

"A woman that really loves me." I wept, leaving the shop.



Submitted November 26, 2015 at 06:34AM by TommehBoi

What's the difference between parsley and pubic hair?

Nothing. You push them both aside and keep on eating.



Submitted November 26, 2015 at 05:12AM by and0au

Funny As ....

Scene: A conversation with my friend’s father, who knows I do 
Web design.

Father: I have a business idea. How hard is it to make a Facebook?

Me: Oh, very easy.

Friend: He doesn’t mean to make 
a Facebook profile. He means to 
remake all of Facebook.

Me: Oh. Very hard.

Father: Oh, OK.



Submitted November 26, 2015 at 10:17AM by eRaCompetitive

Albert Einstein owed the inspiration for one of his best ideas to his cousin who had Down Syndrome...

he had a special relative, you see?



Submitted November 26, 2015 at 06:44AM by ippoliteX

Happy Bird Day to you!

Just realized my standard Thanksgiving greeting was pretty dadjokey.



Submitted November 26, 2015 at 09:58AM by ruok4a69

One of the particpants at an adult foster care home dropped this bomb.

I work at a house and take care of two gentlemen with mental disabilities who live there. One of them dropped this gem today:

Him: What would happen if I didn't have a mouth? I couldn't talk. What would happen if I didn't have a nose? I couldn't smell? What would happen if I didn't have any ears? I couldn't see. Me: Do you mean you couldn't hear? Him: No, my hat would fall down and cover my eyes.



Submitted November 26, 2015 at 08:23AM by Calebshmaleb

I'm sexually attracted to metal boxes with locking systems.

But don't worry. It's safe sex.



Submitted November 26, 2015 at 06:20AM by BarelyCrazy

Why was the DJ banned from the supermarket?

He was stealing all the samples!



Submitted November 26, 2015 at 07:29AM by timothy558

What's a universe?

A short poem.



Submitted November 26, 2015 at 07:19AM by MiguelSalaOp

French Military Joke

Coalition troops are gathered in order to fight the Taliban. The American, British and French commanders are discussing the relative worth of their troops.

"You guys are fucking pussies compared to the US military." says the American officer. "Allow me to demonstrate." He beckons a Marine over and punches him as hard as he can in the face, removing a few of his teeth. The Marine flinches but shouts "Ooh Rah! Thank you sir!" before being dismissed.

"Impressive, but our lads are afraid of nothing." says the British officer. He beckons a Gurkha over, grabs his left arm and breaks it in one smooth motion. "Thank you sir! God save the Queen." replies the Gurkha with a pained expression, before being dismissed.

The French officer is somewhat nervous at this point as he doubts his poorly-equipped men are as tough as what he has just witnessed. Nevertheless, he is determined not to lose face in front of his colleagues. He beckons an infantry soldier over. Not knowing what to do, he pulls out his handgun and shoots the soldier in the foot. To his amazement, the soldier doesn't move at all or show any sign of pain. "Uh... you have served the Republic well. Dismissed!" mumbles the officer. The soldier leaves, seemingly unperturbed. The American and British officers are highly impressed and congratulate the French officer for having such brave troops.

Later that day, the French officer sees the soldier again. He asks him : "How in the hell did you manage to take a bullet like that and walk away?"

"Well, sir," the soldier replies, "they didn't have shoes my size when I signed up..."

Source: an off-duty officer in a bar in Lyon



Submitted November 26, 2015 at 05:09AM by YuanShikai

I can see clearly now

Me and my sister Lorraine were sitting in the living room watching the Polar Express on two chairs in front of the tv, when my dad comes into the room and sits down on the couch. My sister was blocking his view of the TV so she moves her chair over to let him see. Then, about a good half a minute later he starts singing.

"I can see clearly now Lorraine has gone"



Submitted November 26, 2015 at 05:25AM by Unladenswallow0

What does Buzz Aldrin use to keep his house warm?

A space heater!



Submitted November 26, 2015 at 04:44AM by noagendamarket

Got my wife just now.

Her: dadgummit

Me: hey! I don't gummit....I chew it.

Her: uuugh...



Submitted November 25, 2015 at 09:39PM by mirroku2

Wednesday, November 25, 2015

Why did Adele cross the street?

To say hello...from the other side. :D



Submitted November 25, 2015 at 11:58PM by nitsua101

When I was about 17 or 18 I first noticed that my sister was a hottie.

First of all, - just for some background: My Mum died right when I was born, (she was actually really, really hot- but this isn't about her. I guess that's fucked up to say, but whatever.) I actually grew up with my dad's family, because my dad has all sorts of emotional issues and he bailed before I was born. So you can see, my childhood was really kind of messed up.

Anyways, growing up I feel like there was always a lot of distance between me and my sister. When I was about 17 or 18 I first noticed that my sister was a hottie.

I don't want to go into too many details about it, but basically what happened is that I accidentally found a video that she made of herself. I knew she didn't make it for me- but I thought she was so fucking beautiful that I watched it twice. I probably would have watched it a hell of a lot more, except that like right around the time I found the video, all this crazy shit went down and I had to leave home. (My dad's family who I was staying with got in bad trouble with the law. I never talk about it).

Sooo... I was totally lusting after my sister at that point. She was also having bad trouble with the law. She was actually in custody when I left home.

My friend and I went to go pick her up. When I saw her that day, after seeing the video, I have to be honest, I just wanted to fuck her brains out. Looking back on it now, it's pretty messed up- but I think she had feelings for me too. She actually kissed me right after we came to get her... and it wasn't a sisterly kiss, you know? I mean, it wasn't like ridiculously sexual or anything, but it definitely wasn't sisterly.

After we left, we all went to crash with my Sister's friends. On the trip there, my friend sort of implied that he wanted to get with my Sister, and I got a little jealous. He's a good looking guy- and even though she was my sister- I just felt like he was competition. Not much else happened between us for a while except some maybe-sexy hugging. Pretty much everyone in my life at that point was wanted by the government, so we all moved around a lot. I'm not saying that I'm proud of it or anything, but it was kind of an awesome time.

My friend and my sister never hooked up I don't think- but I thought there was some serious sexual tension going on between them. It was around that time that I got really badly hurt in an accident. It was fucked up. I almost died. But when I was in recovery my sister came to see me, and out of the clear blue sky she started gives me this awesome, slow, passionate kiss on the lips.

Sadly (although, I guess for the best) nothing ever came of it. We spent some time apart... and I started to get really religious, so I tried not to think of her that way. It was actually going well for a long time- like I was totally over her.

But I have to say, like a year or so after all that stuff went down, we were out sailing (not like a date or anything romantic like that), and she was wearing like the hottest bikini I've ever fucking seen and it brought back all the old feelings. Sigh.

A little while later she actually wound up with my friend from before (the sexual tension guy). I can't say I was surprised. But even after she was shacking up with my friend, there was one time we were at a party... my friend was inside, and my sister and I were outside alone.

It was a really intimate moment. I think something might have happened, except that I killed the mood when I told her that Darth Vader was our father and that I had to go face him.



Submitted November 25, 2015 at 10:04PM by maomaodong

Cousin's 3 year old daughter is going to be a great dad one day.

My cousin and his wife have a 3 year old daughter, and they're traveling to visit us cross-country for Thanksgiving. In the hotel last night, cousin (Steven) was discussing breakfast with his daughter (Emily).

Steven: "Tomorrow morning, before we leave, the hotel is going to cook us breakfast!"

Emily: "Daddy, how is the hotel going to cook us breakfast? It doesn't even have hands!"

Steven said he's never been prouder.



Submitted November 25, 2015 at 09:53PM by justinerwin

I got dad joked by my manager on the dairy farm I work at

It was a busy day we had a whole bunch baby cows born today and our calve pens are now completely full:

Me: If we get any more calves this barn is going to turn into a mad house...

Manager: Yea any more babies and it will be complete and udder madness



Submitted November 25, 2015 at 09:41PM by nickster790

What do Americans and Putin have in common?

They'll both be nuking Turkey after Thanksgiving.



Submitted November 25, 2015 at 07:08PM by ACL_Tearer

I like my women like I like my Chicken Protective Suits

Impeckable



Submitted November 25, 2015 at 09:17PM by WalROOS

Full Beaver

We're on a road trip and my mom, a biologist, says that the moon tonight is a "Full Beaver" which used to mean that it was the last night to set beaver traps before the swamp freezes over.

My dad replies: "Wow, the last time I saw a full beaver was when that girl at the concert had a wardrobe malfunction."



Submitted November 25, 2015 at 08:59PM by speederaser

Obama's definitely a dad.



Submitted November 25, 2015 at 07:51PM by emar749

How many black people does it take to start a riot....

-1



Submitted November 25, 2015 at 01:26PM by avatardoge

Even the President has a few dad jokes now and then...



Submitted November 25, 2015 at 05:26PM by xTITAN55x

Did you hear the one about the woman who went to the kitchen and was never seen again?

The refrigerator



Submitted November 25, 2015 at 05:01PM by jacksflamingear

The key word is Failure...

Jones came home and found the bucket he had at age thrust upon him. Lolly (wife) hadnt been home in 4 years. Jones is regretting trying to live his life with God in it now. He rebukes his commitment, and throws the bucket into the air. But suddenly, the bucket changed colors: . . . ! It was staring at him, holding money in its raibow mouth. "Rainbow Money Mouth Bucket House 2: Jones' Quam with The Creator." starring Brandi, rated R



Submitted November 25, 2015 at 04:18PM by Spray-

I don't know what the big deal is about Black Friday. All Fridays matter.

No text found

Submitted November 25, 2015 at 01:49PM by LiveFromJupiter

Sweet potato engaged to Brian Williams

A sweet potato announced to her family that she was engaged to Brian Williams. The mother objected quite strenuously. "You can't marry Brian Williams. He's only a commentator."



Submitted November 25, 2015 at 03:46PM by flaspike

Just got this one from a future-Dad. His Dad-joke progress is coming along nicely...

Just got these two texts from my boyfriend...

-I need to get an elf hat so I can get a camera and take an "elfie"

-Lol

Pretty sure he heard my groan all the way from work.



Submitted November 25, 2015 at 03:21PM by Happy_Neko

Obama delivers a great dad joke while both his girls stand next to him and laugh.

"It is hard to believe this is my 7th year pardoning a turkey. Time flies...Even if turkeys don't"



Submitted November 25, 2015 at 02:54PM by picards_dick