Saturday, October 31, 2015
Correspondence between a customer and the Irish Railway Company.
Gentlemen, I have been riding your trains daily for the last two years, and the service on your line seems to be getting worse every day. I am tired of standing in the aisle all the time on a 14-mile trip. I think the transportation system is worse than that enjoyed by people 2,000 years ago.
Dear Mr. Finnegan, We received your letter with reference to the shortcomings of our service and believe you are somewhat confused in your history. The only mode of transportation 2,000 years ago was by foot.
Irish Railway Company
Gentlemen, I am in receipt of your letter, and I think you are the ones who are confused in your history. If you will refer to the Bible and the Book of David, 9th Chapter, you will find that Balaam rode to town on his ass. That, Gentlemen, is something I have not been able to do on your train in the last two years!
Yours truly, Patrick Finnegan.
Submitted October 31, 2015 at 03:35PM by rumblefish65
I'm at a bar on Halloween and one of the bar tenders it's wearing a hardhat, coveralls, and goggles...
I ponted at him and shouted "he can't be here, he's a miner!" My friend acctually covered his face in shame.
Submitted October 31, 2015 at 11:39PM by PolarBear89
Sitting around tonight with my Dad and uncle. My uncle was talking about the taxi driver he used in Vietnam for the week. The driver spelled his name Wang so he called him how it looked like it was pronounced until right before they left the driver told them it was pronounced Wong.
Without missing a beat my dad chucked once and said "So you were pronouncing it Wong"
Everyone groaned while my father laughed to himself.
Submitted October 31, 2015 at 08:35PM by Zoomuck
Submitted October 31, 2015 at 08:34PM by conehead88
I can list them all but some of my favourite are:
I stayed up all night wondering where the sun had gone and then it dawned on me.
Whenever the cashier asks me if I want the milk in the bag I say "no just leave it in the carton"
Why was the policeman sleeping in his car? It was arrest stop!
I attached all of my watches together to make a belt. It was a waist of time
Submitted October 31, 2015 at 08:39PM by bluejade89
Background: My wife is pregnant with our first, and her great grandmother had over 20 single births. So we were talking about labour:
Me: Don't worry, love, you've got great genes for labour.
Her: Yeah, I know. : S
Me: But you're really going to have to take them off. They'll definitely get in the way!
Submitted October 31, 2015 at 07:39PM by blindsight
GF: Why are so many girls dressed as deers?
ME: So the boys will fawn of them.
Submitted October 31, 2015 at 07:19PM by Sewer_Ice
"There is a Men's Studies major, its called history"
Submitted October 31, 2015 at 05:34PM by MichiganChin
Anywhere else and it would have been called a teeth brush.
Submitted October 31, 2015 at 02:07PM by DeathBlowChunnel
You look pale Ale.
Submitted October 31, 2015 at 04:42PM by exoxe
Because the winner was a cheetah
Submitted October 31, 2015 at 03:12PM by nurris
The next day his friend asked how their relationship was going. The husband replied "sofa so good!"
My dad told this with his coworkers yesturday when I was present. I've never been more in denial of who my father was
Submitted October 31, 2015 at 02:30PM by filthynigga
because you know he's guilty.
Submitted October 31, 2015 at 11:36AM by Ser_Rodrick_Cassel
The doctor says, "Well, first of all you're not eating right."
Submitted October 31, 2015 at 12:57PM by nosindra
A husband and wife are driving down a country road during a thunderstorm. Suddenly the wife spots an injured skunk in the middle of the road, being an animal lover she tell the husband to pull over. She gets out and picks up the skunk and takes it into the car.
"It's so cold, it's shivering!" She said.
"So put it between your legs, it's nice and warm there" Said the husband.
"But what about the awful stink?" She asked.
"Well plug its' nose, that's what I do."
Submitted October 31, 2015 at 10:49AM by skybike
It wasn't knight time yet.
Submitted October 31, 2015 at 10:56AM by JonBoyT60
I have a confession to make, I have illegitimate twin sons in Mexico. One is named Jose, and the other is named...
Submitted October 31, 2015 at 11:00AM by goodboyBill
Dad: Hey what's the temperature outside? Do you think I should take the motorcycle today?
Mom: the temperature is 36°
Dad: oh, nevermind. I would be a pop-sicle.
Everyone: collective groans
Dad: and then you guys can sing "f-reeze a jolly good fellow, freeze a jolly good fellow!"
Submitted October 31, 2015 at 09:55AM by ToothpasteVEVO
My boss said he's going to fire the employee with the worst posture. I've got a hunch it might be me.
Submitted October 31, 2015 at 03:55AM by rumblefish65
Now it just doesn't work.
Submitted October 31, 2015 at 08:14AM by monzzter221
Submitted October 31, 2015 at 05:11AM by Admiral_Fuckwit
Friday, October 30, 2015
Submitted October 30, 2015 at 09:38PM by rmoss20
... And the doctor asks the man to pull down his pants and sit on the bench as the doctor examines him.
The doctor says "Don't worry, it's totally normal to get an erection at this moment".
The man says "But I don't have an erection" "No but I do" the doctor replied.
Submitted October 30, 2015 at 01:45PM by ReptileCake
So this was a few years ago I had just been diagnosed with brain cancer and I had go to a clinic and deposit some sperm before I started chemo. My dad said he would drive me there for emotional support. So I go in the back room, do my business, then on the elevator ride down my dad leans in and asks "did everything cum out ok?"
Submitted October 30, 2015 at 08:34PM by chase_the_conqueror
Robin Williams. The dead version I guess, since you gave me the option.
Submitted October 30, 2015 at 08:24PM by cosmonk_
I told her that's quite unfortunate because he's dead.
Submitted October 30, 2015 at 08:41PM by unidentifiedfish
To his dismay, he's put in a cell with a very large black man. After a few moments of silence, the black man says in a deep, booming voice, "There's one thing we gotta get straight right now if we're gonna be in this cell together. We gots to figure out who's gonna be the husband and who's gonna be the wife. I'll let you decide."
The white guy is shaken, and thinks for a moment through all of the ramifications of his decision. Finally he says, "Okay, I'll be the husband."
The black guys says, "That's fine with me. Now get over here and suck yo wife's dick."
Submitted October 30, 2015 at 12:35PM by antonholden
Submitted October 30, 2015 at 04:36PM by Illogical_Fallacy
Submitted October 30, 2015 at 01:43PM by bitsbots
I thought about carpooling with some co-workers to work, but the problem is that on the way to the office we have to go through a tunnel. I'm deathly afraid of this situation. Turns out I have carpool tunnel syndrome.
Submitted October 30, 2015 at 02:01PM by Error_404_Account
Submitted October 30, 2015 at 11:33AM by cdsparks
Son:......Mom, I also want 5 wives.....one will cook, one will sing, one will bathe me.......
Mom:....And one will put you to sleep
Son:..No mom, i will still sleep with you
Mom's eyes filled up with tears ... God bless you son
Mom:...but who will sleep with your 5 wives
Son...Let them sleep with daddy
Daddy's eyes filled up with tears... God bless you son !
Submitted October 30, 2015 at 12:23PM by stp6435
A couple were invited to a swanky family masked fancy dress halloween party.
The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.
The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, woke without pain and as it was still early decided go to the party. As her husband didn't know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.
So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his costume, cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice "chick" he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her. She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband. After more drinks he finally whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had passionate intercourse in the back seat. Just before unmasking at midnight she slipped away, went home, put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make up for his outrageous behavior. She was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of time he had. "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." Then she asked, "Did you dance much?" He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the spare room and played poker all evening." "You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker all night!" she said with unashamed sarcasm. To which the husband replied, "Actually, I gave my costume to your Dad. Apparently he had the time of his life."
Submitted October 30, 2015 at 06:03AM by jhspth88
Submitted October 30, 2015 at 11:04AM by SHSLTVPersonality
While putting on the latex gloves, he asks her if she knows how they make latex gloves. The patient says no. The doctor says:
- There is a plant in Mexico full of latex that people of various hand sizes dip their hands into and let them dry.
She does not crack a smile, but later she laughs.
The doctor says:
- What's so funny?
-I'm imagining how they make condoms.
Submitted October 30, 2015 at 06:58AM by szbest
So I told her, "scratch where you're breaking out then smell it. It should smell like whatever you are allergic to. " It took a second before she rolled her eyes.
Submitted October 30, 2015 at 10:54AM by BretticusMaximus92
Doubles is one of the most popular and beloved local foods in Trinidad and Tobago. Actually featured on Travel Channel's Bizarre Foods with Andrew Zimmern. It's an absolutely delicious street food and the person making it wraps it before bagging it for you, hence the name doubles wrapper.
A guy on a local forum advertises a job for a doubles wrapper... Dads from all over the country unite to hijack his thread. Hijack starts in the 7th post.
Submitted October 30, 2015 at 09:57AM by RichardDawkings
Me "Well it's supposed to rain Saturday so nothing is concrete."
Him "It will be after it dries."
Submitted October 30, 2015 at 09:30AM by karlswartz
Cashier told me: "It's $4.05". I looked at my watch and said, "No, it's 8:45."
Submitted October 30, 2015 at 09:37AM by ewitt1093
I posted a text my dad sent me yesterday. Here: http://ift.tt/1XBXA7r
This just happened:
Me: "hey dad my reddit post of your text is at 630 upvotes now"
Dad: "That's awesome. Keep me posted."
Me: sighs and walks away
Submitted October 30, 2015 at 08:30AM by Ryan_da_5_9
What is Dracula's favorite fruit?
A:: A juicy Necktarine!
What is worse than raining black cats and bloodhounds?
A:: Hailing Taxis.
Why won't Dracula bite Taylor Swift?
A:: Because she's got badddd bloooddd
How come mummies cannot go on vacations?
A:: They're afraid they will relax and unwind
Submitted October 30, 2015 at 07:40AM by MiltBFine
I SHIT YOU KNOT
Submitted October 30, 2015 at 12:34AM by cws27
Submitted October 30, 2015 at 02:00AM by ErnaForPresident
Thursday, October 29, 2015
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?' The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?' The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.' Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'
Submitted October 29, 2015 at 10:01PM by maomaodong
Friend: Wow, must be a terrific sex life?
Wife: Not really. It only happens once in 4 years.
Submitted October 29, 2015 at 09:48PM by maomaodong
A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall. He approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my grandpa"
The cop asked, "What's he like?"
The little boy replied, "Jack Daniels and women with big tits.
Submitted October 30, 2015 at 12:15AM by ipodtouche
A man approached a very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and said, "I've lost my wife here in the supermarket." "Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"
The woman looked puzzled. "Why talk to me?" she asked.
"Because every time I talk to a woman with tits like yours, my wife appears out of nowhere!"
Submitted October 29, 2015 at 11:04PM by privacyact
...but apparently you can't end a sentence with a proposition.
Submitted October 29, 2015 at 08:26PM by barrbarian84
I saw a raggedy little boy on the street and asked him if he was an orphan. He said, "What gave me away?"
I said, "Your parents."
Submitted October 29, 2015 at 04:52PM by -TentacleMonster
Looking among the pieces of shattered bowling ball, the Physicist in the crowd regretfully said, "He had so much potential..."
I know I know. I'm not a dad but I teach physics and I've never made up a joke before.... X/post from jokes.
Submitted October 29, 2015 at 07:15PM by Jigbaa
Two scientists walk into a bar:
“I’ll have an H2O.”
“I’ll have an H2O, too.”
The bartender gives them both water because he is able to distinguish the boundary tones that dictate the grammatical function of homonyms in coda position as well as pragmatic context.
Submitted October 29, 2015 at 02:26PM by Qaplalala
Why doesn't lightning only strike in France?
Submitted October 29, 2015 at 03:46PM by thatgameman
I bought a case of Natty lights. As she was scanning it she said, "wow this is really heavy" to which I responded "No, they're light. It even says so on the box." I was so proud of myself.
Submitted October 29, 2015 at 05:01PM by Darklord_Of_Bacon
It was the end of the class, we were talking about due assignments (Master thesis prep group, cuz iamverysmart). Things were getting a bit informal, when one of my fellow students asked:
"When do we get our graded paper back?"
to which I loudly yelled:
"I'd like a hardcover!"
Some snorted, some didn't understand it, but the overarching sound I heard was loud groaning. Worth.
Submitted October 29, 2015 at 05:22PM by FelixR1991
The other day, I was really worn out from work, but I have my family very well-trained in the ways of the Dad Joke
So, I was pretty worn out the other day and was not even close to my A game in terms of coherent conversation, let alone my sense of humor.
At dinner, the kids wanted some yogurt so my wife got up to get it and asked me, "Do you want some yogurt, Baby?"
I paused for a moment to actually decide whether I wanted some and must have made some weird look, because she immediately followed up with, "I know, I know, 'What's a yogurt baby?'"
The Dad Joke is strong in my home even when I'm not there to do the work. That is good news.
Submitted October 29, 2015 at 01:24PM by chaosTechnician
A young woman was taking golf lessons and had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting.
Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for medical assistance.
The golf pro saw her heading back and said, “You are back early, what’s wrong?”
“I was stung by a bee!” she said.
“Where?” he asked.
“Between the first and second hole.” she replied.
He nodded and said, “Your stance is far too wide.”
Submitted October 29, 2015 at 10:45AM by maomaodong
My wife sent me a picture of our baby. This was the exchange that followed:
Me: Look at those cheeks! They are huge!
Her: It is the angle, I am sure. The camera adds 10 pounds.
Me: How many cameras are you using?!
Submitted October 29, 2015 at 11:59AM by Taco_Pie
...and for all those ten years her husband insisted on making love in the dark. No matter how much she asked him, he would never turn the lights on.
One night she grew tired of this and turned on the light while they were making love, and saw that he was using a dildo on her.
- Honey, how could you do this! All this time you've never told me. Explain yourself immediately!
The husband says:
- Okay, I'll explain. But first you explain the kids.
Submitted October 29, 2015 at 07:57AM by szbest
Three third-graders, a Jew, an Italian, and an African American are on the playground at recess. The Jewish kid suggests that they play a new game. "Let's see who has the largest dick," he says. "Okay," they all agree.
The Jewish kid pulls down his zipper and whips it out. "That's nothing," says the Italian kid. He whips his out. His is a couple of inches longer. Not to be outdone, the African American whips his out. It is by far the biggest, dwarfing the other two in both length and width. The Jewish and Italian kid are stunned and amazed. "Wow, that thing is huge!" they exclaim.
That night, eating dinner at home, the African American's mother asks him what he did at school today.
"Oh, we worked on a science project, had a math test and read out loud from a new book ...and during recess, my friends and I played "Let's see who has the largest dick."
"What kind of game is that, honey?" asks his mother.
"Well, me, Sidney and Anthony each pulled out our penises, and I had the biggest! The other kids say its because I'm black. Is that true, Mom?"
The mom replies: "No, honey. It's because you're twenty-three."
Submitted October 29, 2015 at 10:04AM by timmytron
He was supposedly calling his sister when I interrupted him.
As I went to ask him about something, he said...
"What do you want? I'm using the tel-loaf-hone!!"
Submitted October 29, 2015 at 10:02AM by Pokefan993
While the trooper is talking to him, he keeps swatting at a swarm of flies around him.
The farmer says “Having trouble with them circle flies, officer?”
The trooper says “Yeah– why do call them circle flies?”
The farmer says “Well they’re usually seen circling round the back end of horses.”
The trooper asks “Are you calling me a horse's ass?”
The farmer says “Oh no officer, I got too much respect for the police to do that. Hard to fool them circle flies though.”
Submitted October 29, 2015 at 08:22AM by Mike_1970
Submitted October 29, 2015 at 09:02AM by Chivalrybean
The devil greets him:
- You may choose which room you wish to enter. Whichever you choose, the person in that room will switch with you. They'll go to heaven and you'll take over until somebody switches with you. So go on, pick a room.
The devil leads him to the first room where someone is tied to a wall and is being whipped. The second room has someone being burned by a torch. The third has a man getting blown by a naked woman.
I choose this room!- the man says.
Very well, - the devil says. He walks up to the woman and taps her on the shoulder.
You can go now. I've found you're replacement."
Submitted October 29, 2015 at 03:10AM by szbest
My sister was throwing a toy to our dog, and saying "catch it, catch it!"
My dad from the kitchen shouted. "Evie, stop swearing. Besides, she's a dog"
That got groans from both of us...
Submitted October 29, 2015 at 07:11AM by Phoenix963
Submitted October 29, 2015 at 03:58AM by RatsOnRitalin
While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, 'Kin ya swallar?'
The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'
The woman begins to turn blue, and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table. His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I never seed nobody done it.'
Submitted October 29, 2015 at 01:02AM by HuggingTheJellyfish
Wednesday, October 28, 2015
They both like to crack open a cold one.
Submitted October 29, 2015 at 01:13AM by Molester_Stallone_
The alcoholic looks around and after a while the storekeeper says "Can I help you with anything?"
The alcoholic replies "Yeah, got any liquor?"
"Well, I'm not sure but there is this"
"What is that?"
Submitted October 28, 2015 at 10:26PM by Yoshi_IX
Today, I was playing my iPod on shuffle. The song, "This is Not the End" by The Bravery came on. The next song was "This is the End" by She Wants Revenge. It was followed by "The End." by My Chemical Romance. As soon as the songs finished, the battery promptly died. I think my iPod left a suicide note.
Submitted October 28, 2015 at 08:02PM by jonnybravo123
Girl I went out with tonight and I were getting drinks at the bar, when said said that she was gonna skip her 9am lecture tomorrow. I asked why she said "Its on fungi it gonna be so boring". I said "You love fungi though, you hang out with me." The bartender gave her the pity look.
Submitted October 28, 2015 at 09:55PM by idontknow1122
Boyfriend serves dinner, a delicious salad. Him: Ok, let us eat! Me: No, this is arugula. He gave me the side eye and shook his head.
Submitted October 28, 2015 at 09:52PM by mangolover
After working for years, a hooker finally retired and, being afraid of spending the rest of her life alone, she decided to marry. She had been with so many perverted men over the years that she felt she needed a change and would only get one by marrying a virgin male near her age.
She took out ads in newspapers around the world seeking a male virgin who was 55 years old. She finally narrowed her choice to an Australian computer programmer.
After a thorough background check, she was satisfied that he had indeed never been with a woman and they were married. On their wedding night, she went into the bathroom to change into her nightie. When she came back out, she found that her new husband had taken the bed and everything in the room and stacked it in one corner of the room. Thinking this was rather kinky, she said to her husband, "I thought you had never been with a woman."
He replied, "This is true, but if it's anything like screwing a kangaroo, we're going to need all the room we can get".
Submitted October 28, 2015 at 03:32PM by Bushwacker61
I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
Submitted October 28, 2015 at 04:45PM by PeterrLFC
someone's stalking you.
Submitted October 28, 2015 at 04:42PM by menoseljenn8
Went up to the guy on the porch and said "trick or treat!" The guy (probably a college age young man) stood up, did a kick flip on his skateboard and sat back down. That's what I get for giving him the choice....
We did end up getting a piece of candy but he was damn proud of himself.
Submitted October 28, 2015 at 06:11PM by mwhaskin
I got to work and said to my friend,
"Dude, I saw two people hit deer on the way to work this morning"
To which he immediately replied,
"How do you know those deer were on their way to work?"
Submitted October 28, 2015 at 06:13PM by Peabo721
GF: Man, what a jerk, I know he saw us, why'd he stop right there?
Me: Man, what a cop-block.
Submitted October 28, 2015 at 05:57PM by mitchell271
My gf is American and I'm Canadian; I told her if we ever move to the US I'll need to buy a bunch of tank tops...
Because I'll have the right to bare arms.
Submitted October 28, 2015 at 04:20PM by EhTrain
Credit for this to my fister. That's "friend that's like a sister," pervs.
Submitted October 28, 2015 at 03:56PM by strangefool
Submitted October 28, 2015 at 03:16PM by dargscisyhp
of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave.
The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?"
The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?"
The man took a moment to collect himself, then replied, "My wife's first husband."
Submitted October 28, 2015 at 11:03AM by Bushwacker61
It's in the cloud.
Submitted October 28, 2015 at 02:28PM by bill_will
Submitted October 28, 2015 at 01:58PM by ABellGargoyle
A man walks into work with two black eyes. His boss asks what happened.
The man says, "I was sitting behind a big woman at church. When we stood up to sing hymns, I noticed that her dress was caught in her crack, so I pulled it out. She turned around and punched me square in the eye."
"Where did you get the other shiner?" the boss asks.
"Well," the man says, "I figured she preferred it in the crack, so I pushed it back in."
Submitted October 28, 2015 at 07:37AM by glorialovelyface
My friends and I were arm wrestling at lunch, we get around 3 matches in when our vice principal came in and told us we had to stop. We ask why and I say it's because we're not allowed to be armed at school. The vice principal walks away and my friends laugh their asses off. Today was a good day.
Submitted October 28, 2015 at 01:11PM by hungryfox77
The librarian said "That rings a bell but I don't know if it's here or not."
Submitted October 28, 2015 at 10:39AM by klepferscorner
Submitted October 28, 2015 at 11:38AM by nuno112
Announcer: What a Luge-er.
Submitted October 28, 2015 at 11:19AM by Beard-
The engineer looks around, confused, and sees that despite having lived what he felt was a pious and good life, he is in Hell.
Satan quickly introduces himself. "Welcome to Hell. I can't say i was expecting you, so i guess St. Peter made a mistake when he put you on the Hell list. I'll have one of my demons phone him right away. In the mean time, well, there isn't much, but if you want to amuse yourself, i can help you with that."
The engineer thinks for a moment, and then says, "You know, it is extremely hot down here. I'd love to build a large AC unit. Do you have the materials?"
Satan says, "Well, yes, we have all manners of metals due to our location under the Earth's crust. Have at it."
The engineer, after 3 days of heavy work, finishes his Hell-wide AC and turns it on. After 3 hours, the temperature has finally reached a more desirable 78 degrees, and Hell is much less hellish. Satan is highly impressed. "Nice work, i didn't think this was even possible! Sorry to say, though, St. Peter refuses to admit he messed up. Since you made this AC happen, I'll let you do whatever you want."
The engineer thinks, and says, "You now it's also really dark and dim with just the lava flows. Have the materials for a lighting system?" Satan says, "Of course! God sent some heavenly light once but i never could figure out how it worked. Here's the instructions."
2 days later, the heavenly light had been configured to brightly light Hell. Productivity was way up and now Hell was not so bad anymore. Satan tells the engineer, "I like you, bud! Tell you what, you can live like a king. Got a room in my castle for you. Everything you could ever want is there."
At this point, several angels had reviewed the engineer's life and informed God of St. Peter's mistake. God hastily adds the engineer to the Heaven list. He calls Satan and asks for the engineer.
Satan says, "No way, man! Hell has never been so nice before him. We have lighting, cooling, and now he's tinkering with machines that haven't worked since your son went to Earth! I'm keeping him."
God immediately responds, "He is a good man, though! He belongs in Heaven. It is only right! If you will not return him, I'll have to take you to court."
Satan laughs, and says, "Oh, and just where will you find a lawyer?"
Submitted October 28, 2015 at 04:53AM by supertone4671
Three men die in a car accident on Christmas Eve. They all find themselves at the Pearly Gates waiting to enter heaven. On entering they must present something relating to or associated with Christmas. The first man searches his pocket, and finds some mistletoe, so he is allowed in. The second man presents a cracker, so he is also allowed in. The third man pulls out a pair of stockings. Confused at this last gesture, St Peter asks, ‘How do these represent Christmas?' Answer: ‘They're Carol's.'
Submitted October 28, 2015 at 07:00AM by hiter_pak
Joe had suffered from really bad headaches for the last 20 years.
He eventually decides to go and see a Doctor.
The Doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache.
The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.'
Joe was shocked and depressed.He wondered if he had anything to live for.
He had no choice but to go under the knife. The surgery cost him $15,000.
When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.
As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.
He saw a Men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need... A new Suit.'
He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new Suit.'
The elderly Tailor eyed him briefly and said, 'Let's see... size 44 long.
Joe laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?'
'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said.
Joe tried on the suit it fit perfectly.
As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new shirt?'
Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.'
The salesman eyed Joe and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.'
Joe was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?'
'Been in the business 60 years.'
Joe tried the shirt and it fit perfectly.
Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, 'How about some new Underwear?'
Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure..'
The salesman said, 'Let's see..... size 36.
Joe laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you! I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old..'
The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your Testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a Headache.'
Submitted October 28, 2015 at 05:46AM by tehflyboy
Now I can always count on myself.
Submitted October 28, 2015 at 03:33AM by Dalfamurni
Now I'm feeling cannelloni
Submitted October 28, 2015 at 03:41AM by dannyr
Submitted October 28, 2015 at 05:14AM by BrokkenFrepz
It cost me an arm and a leg.
Submitted October 28, 2015 at 04:13AM by trajiin
Tuesday, October 27, 2015
Son: "Mom, Dad.. I'm gay"
Mom: *staring at dad
Dad: ...*clenches fists
Dad: *sweats profusely
Dad: HI GAY, IM DAD
Kudos to @Lerky on Twitter
Submitted October 28, 2015 at 01:37AM by rplusg
God went to the Arabs and said, 'I have Commandments for you that will make your lives better.'
The Arabs asked, 'What are Commandments?' And the Lord said, 'They are rules for living.'
'Can you give us an example?'
'Thou shall not kill.'
'Not kill? We're not interested..'
So He went to the Blacks and said, 'I have Commandments.'
The Blacks wanted an example, and the Lord said, 'Honor thy Father and Mother.'
'Father? We don't know who our fathers are. We're not interested.'
Then He went to the Mexicans and said, 'I have Commandments.'
The Mexicans also wanted an example, and the Lord said 'Thou shall not steal.'
'Not steal? We're not interested.'
Then He went to the French and said, 'I have Commandments.'
The French too wanted an example and the Lord said, 'Thou shall not commit adultery.'
'Sacre bleu!!! Not commit adultery? We're not interested.'
Finally, He went to the Jews and said, 'I have Commandments..'
'Commandments?' They said, 'How much are they?'
'We'll take 10.'
Submitted October 28, 2015 at 12:11AM by smilesmo
20/20, would buy again.
Submitted October 27, 2015 at 09:40PM by Neo4277
Bruce Jenner winning woman of the year just proves that men are better than women at everything, including being a woman
Submitted October 27, 2015 at 10:15PM by reddit_human
The flashing lights on their trucks were pretty cool to see, though.
Submitted October 27, 2015 at 06:38PM by thr0waway7373
Me; Mom your love is worth a watch Dad; You should take some time thinking about that
Submitted October 27, 2015 at 05:06PM by ShittyNeighbour
Her: What do you think about these heels? Me: The hooker heels? Her: They're not! It's not easy being short okay. Me: I tend to overlook that. Her: Aww how...you asshole!
She wasn't too happy afterwards.
Submitted October 27, 2015 at 04:21PM by ummagamma
They see a small man sitting in the corner. They gather around and start to harass him. One biker picks up his coffee and pours it in his lap. "What are you gonna do about it?" he asks. The man just sits there. Another biker picks up the syrup bottle and pours syrup all over the man's head. "How about now?" Still, the man just sits there.
The bikers laugh and go sit down. The man gets up and goes to the bathroom to clean up, then he pays his check and leaves.
The waitress walks over to the bikers to get their order. One of the bikers says to her, "That guy wasn't much of a man, was he?"
She looks out the window and says, "No, and he's not much of a truck driver either. He just ran over all those motorcycles."
Submitted October 27, 2015 at 03:21PM by skpicky
Girlfriend told me she had a secret admirer at work and sent me a photo of a pastry left on her desk.
I wrote back that she'd "butter be careful; I bet he's pretty flaky."
Submitted October 27, 2015 at 03:26PM by J_Andrew89
Because, everyone know Miss Sara E loves company.
Submitted October 27, 2015 at 09:50AM by stubob
We have a minifridge we stocked with beer for the party, and I put a sign on the fridge that says "BOO-ze"
My roommate just shook his head and walked away.
Submitted October 27, 2015 at 02:58PM by walkingcarpet23
A Frenchman, an Englishman and an Irishman are exploring the jungle and are captured by a fierce tribe.
The chief tells them, "The bad news is that we've caught you, we're going to kill you, and then use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you get to choose how you die."
The Frenchman says, "I take ze poison." The chief gives him some poison; the Frenchman says, "Vive la France!" and drinks it down.
The Englishman says, "A pistol for me, please." The chief gives him a pistol; the Brit points it at his head, says, "God save the Queen!" and blows his brains out.
The Irishman says, "Gimme a fork." The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork. The Irishman takes the fork and jabs himself all over -- the stomach, the sides, the chest, everywhere. Blood gushes from every hole.
The chief screams, "What are you doing?"
He looks at the chief and says, "Fuck your canoe, asshole!"
Submitted October 27, 2015 at 12:06PM by glorialovelyface
A blonde called her boyfriend and said, “Please come over here and help me… I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can’t figure out how to get it started.”
Her boyfriend asked, “What is it supposed to be when it’s finished?”
The blonde said, “According to the picture on the box, it’s a tiger.”
Her boyfriend decided to go over and help with the puzzle. She let him in and showed him where she had the puzzle spread all over the table. He studied the pieces for a moment, then looked at the box, then turned to her and said, “First of all, no matter what we do, we’re not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger.”
He took her hand and said, “Second, I’d want you to relax… Let’s have a nice cup of hot chocolate, and then…”
He sighed, “let’s put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box.”
Submitted October 27, 2015 at 01:32PM by Don_chingon
Submitted October 27, 2015 at 01:01PM by nurris
My girlfriend gave me one of her S'well water bottles that she found on a trip to Austin. I recently found one at the airport and gave it to her, and she gave me her old one. Last night I brought it to her dorm room and walked up to her, showed it to her, and whispered "look....we're S'wellmates"
Pretty sure she wanted to slap me.
Submitted October 27, 2015 at 12:28PM by Draked1
One. He is drunk, and he tells the bulb to screw itself.
Submitted October 27, 2015 at 08:57AM by genericguysname
Total internal reflection.
Submitted October 27, 2015 at 06:05AM by Mokha343
I found a large collection of dad jokes and I copied the best ones. The first 10 are great but the last one is fucking gold.
11) fucking gold
Submitted October 27, 2015 at 09:38AM by MrMorlonelycat
Because they’re really good at it.
Submitted October 27, 2015 at 07:47AM by Openitnow
me walking up stairs with friend to class
Friend: Dude, I am so hating these jeans right now.
Me: Don't hate your genes, your ancestors gave those to you.
cheesy grins cheesy giggles
Submitted October 27, 2015 at 08:11AM by McLovin_EmDawg
Submitted October 27, 2015 at 05:27AM by ABreakForTea
One, if no one's looking.
Submitted October 27, 2015 at 02:06AM by Distantmind88
Monday, October 26, 2015
Because I was sick.
Submitted October 27, 2015 at 12:50AM by sfst4i45fwe
She said it ringed a bell, but she wasn't sure if it was there or not.
Submitted October 26, 2015 at 11:09AM by trueBearsFan
WEBSITE: Please enter your new password.
WEBSITE: Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters.
USER: boiled cabbage
WEBSITE: Sorry, the password must contain 1 numerical character.
USER: 1 boiled cabbage
WEBSITE: Sorry, the password cannot have blank spaces.
WEBSITE: Sorry, the password must contain at least one upper case character.
WEBSITE: Sorry, the password cannot use more than one consecutive upper case character.
WEBSITE: Sorry, the password cannot contain punctuation
WEBSITE: That password is already in use.
Submitted October 26, 2015 at 03:10PM by loose_impediment
A physicist, an engineer, and a statistician go on a hunting trip, they are walking through the woods when they spot a deer in a clearing. The physicist calculates the distance of the target, the velocity and drop of the bullet, adjusts his rifle and fires, missing the deer 5 feet to the left. The engineer rolls his eyes. 'You forgot to account for wind. Give it here', he snatches the rifle, licks his finger and estimates the speed and direction of the wind and fires, missing the deer 5 feet to the right. Suddenly, the statistician claps his hands and yells "We got him!"
Submitted October 26, 2015 at 04:39PM by bigmeec
Husband hands me the only thing that's mine (a small 8lb dumbbell) and says "it's really time you carried your own weight around here." I think he's ready for the baby to get here.
Submitted October 26, 2015 at 02:57PM by jennare
...The King of England and The King of Spain are having an argument over who has the biggest penis. Eventually they decide to let the people judge. They all stand on a stage in front of the people and drop their pants one by one.
The king of France drops his and the French crowd shout "viva la france!!"
The king of Spain drops his and the Spanish crowd shout "Viva la españa!!"
The king of England drops his, a long silence from the crowd, and then everybody shouts "God save the Queen!!!"
Submitted October 26, 2015 at 02:59PM by soljakid
Outlaws are wanted.
Submitted October 26, 2015 at 10:06AM by NeoHenderson
Me: Stop running with that pencil! You can stab yourself.
Daughter: No I won't!
Me: I killed 50 men in the war with a pencil!
Daughter: You weren't in a war.
Me: It was a war of words.
Submitted October 26, 2015 at 03:15PM by Chas218
Submitted October 26, 2015 at 02:56PM by that_introverted_guy
Once upon a time, and far, far away lived a beautiful Queen with voluptuous breasts. Nick the Dragon slayer knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them.
One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, who was the King's chief doctor. Horatio the Physician, exclaimed that he could arrange for Nick the Dragon Slayer to satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1, 000 gold coins to arrange it.
Without pause, Nick the Dragon Slayer readily agreed to the scheme. The next day, Horatio the Physician made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's brassiere while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense.
Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio the Physician informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick the Dragon Slayer would work as the antidote to cure the itch.
The King quickly summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer. Horatio the Physician then slipped Nick the Dragon Slayer the antidote for the itching powder, which he quickly put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's voluptuous and magnificent breasts.
The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick the Dragon Slayer left satisfied and touted as a hero. Upon returning to his chamber, Nick the Dragon Slayer found Horatio the Physician demanding his payment of thousand gold coins.
With his obsession now satisfied, Nick the Dragon Slayer couldn't have cared less and, knowing that Horatio the Physician could never report this matter to the King, with a laugh just told him to get lost. The next day, Horatio the Physician slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear. The King immediately summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer...
Submitted October 26, 2015 at 11:40AM by _Saw