Saturday, October 31, 2015

You know what they say about cliffhangers...

No text found

Submitted November 01, 2015 at 12:23AM by IwalkedTheDinosaur

The Irish Railway Company

Correspondence between a customer and the Irish Railway Company.

Gentlemen, I have been riding your trains daily for the last two years, and the service on your line seems to be getting worse every day. I am tired of standing in the aisle all the time on a 14-mile trip. I think the transportation system is worse than that enjoyed by people 2,000 years ago.

Yours truly,

Patrick Finnegan

Dear Mr. Finnegan, We received your letter with reference to the shortcomings of our service and believe you are somewhat confused in your history. The only mode of transportation 2,000 years ago was by foot.

Sincerely,

Irish Railway Company

Gentlemen, I am in receipt of your letter, and I think you are the ones who are confused in your history. If you will refer to the Bible and the Book of David, 9th Chapter, you will find that Balaam rode to town on his ass. That, Gentlemen, is something I have not been able to do on your train in the last two years!

Yours truly, Patrick Finnegan.



Submitted October 31, 2015 at 03:35PM by rumblefish65

I'm at a bar on Halloween and one of the bar tenders it's wearing a hardhat, coveralls, and goggles...

I ponted at him and shouted "he can't be here, he's a miner!" My friend acctually covered his face in shame.



Submitted October 31, 2015 at 11:39PM by PolarBear89

My last job was circumcising elephants

The pay wasn't great but the tips were huge.



Submitted October 31, 2015 at 10:59PM by Chadderpillar

Know anyone with liver problems?

I think thistle do the trick. (My fiance did not appreciate this joke.... I thought maybe you guys would!)



Submitted October 31, 2015 at 09:25PM by JonesySteelblade

Got a Handjob from a Blind Girl last night...

She said "You have the biggest dick i've ever put my hands on" I said
"Nah, you're pulling my leg"



Submitted October 31, 2015 at 08:34PM by BareLondis

I wanted to dress as a condiment for Halloween.

But I couldn't mustard up the courage.



Submitted October 31, 2015 at 09:43PM by xfox21

Dad got the family on Halloween

Sitting around tonight with my Dad and uncle. My uncle was talking about the taxi driver he used in Vietnam for the week. The driver spelled his name Wang so he called him how it looked like it was pronounced until right before they left the driver told them it was pronounced Wong.

Without missing a beat my dad chucked once and said "So you were pronouncing it Wong"

Everyone groaned while my father laughed to himself.



Submitted October 31, 2015 at 08:35PM by Zoomuck

A skelleton goes to the bar and says "Can I have a pint and a mop..."

No text found

Submitted October 31, 2015 at 08:34PM by conehead88

Had to come up with a last minute costume so I became a dad joke!

http://ift.tt/1RFNbnx

I can list them all but some of my favourite are:

I stayed up all night wondering where the sun had gone and then it dawned on me.

Whenever the cashier asks me if I want the milk in the bag I say "no just leave it in the carton"

Why was the policeman sleeping in his car? It was arrest stop!

I attached all of my watches together to make a belt. It was a waist of time



Submitted October 31, 2015 at 08:39PM by bluejade89

Got my pregnant wife just now...

Background: My wife is pregnant with our first, and her great grandmother had over 20 single births. So we were talking about labour:

Me: Don't worry, love, you've got great genes for labour.

Her: Yeah, I know. : S

Me: But you're really going to have to take them off. They'll definitely get in the way!



Submitted October 31, 2015 at 07:39PM by blindsight

Future step-dad, 1st time while trick or treating.

GF: Why are so many girls dressed as deers?

ME: So the boys will fawn of them.



Submitted October 31, 2015 at 07:19PM by Sewer_Ice

"Why is there a Women's Studies Major, but not a Men's Studies Major"

"There is a Men's Studies major, its called history"



Submitted October 31, 2015 at 05:34PM by MichiganChin

My dad dressed up as The Invisible Man today

He's had the costume on for the last 20 years



Submitted October 31, 2015 at 02:55PM by cliftoncreed

Did you know the toothbrush was invented in West Virginia?

Anywhere else and it would have been called a teeth brush.



Submitted October 31, 2015 at 02:07PM by DeathBlowChunnel

I'm going to name my kid Ale, so that when he looks flushed I can say...

You look pale Ale.



Submitted October 31, 2015 at 04:42PM by exoxe

Why was the tiger mad after the annual animal race?

Because the winner was a cheetah



Submitted October 31, 2015 at 03:12PM by nurris

A husband angered his wife and was forced to sleep on the sofa instead of on the bed with her

The next day his friend asked how their relationship was going. The husband replied "sofa so good!"

My dad told this with his coworkers yesturday when I was present. I've never been more in denial of who my father was



Submitted October 31, 2015 at 02:30PM by filthynigga

What is Tim Burton's favourite measurement?

Johnny Depth



Submitted October 31, 2015 at 02:10PM by Fman7

why should you be afraid of a white man in prison?

because you know he's guilty.



Submitted October 31, 2015 at 11:36AM by Ser_Rodrick_Cassel

Whats a ghost's favorite kind of porn?

Booookaki



Submitted October 31, 2015 at 11:22AM by napalmjerry

Guy sits down in an exam room with a carrot sticking out of his ear...

The doctor says, "Well, first of all you're not eating right."



Submitted October 31, 2015 at 12:57PM by nosindra

Carving pumpkins with my wife

Wife: "These pumpkins don't have many seeds in them" Me: "That's because they are good pumpkins" Wife: "????" Me: "They aren't seedy" Wife: eyeroll



Submitted October 31, 2015 at 12:42PM by DavidTigerFan

The story about the skunk in the road.

A husband and wife are driving down a country road during a thunderstorm. Suddenly the wife spots an injured skunk in the middle of the road, being an animal lover she tell the husband to pull over. She gets out and picks up the skunk and takes it into the car.

"It's so cold, it's shivering!" She said.

"So put it between your legs, it's nice and warm there" Said the husband.

"But what about the awful stink?" She asked.

"Well plug its' nose, that's what I do."



Submitted October 31, 2015 at 10:49AM by skybike

My sex life and gaming life are pretty similar.

I play a lot of single player.



Submitted October 31, 2015 at 09:19AM by ThatRandomGamer12002

I made my son take off his dragon slayer costume this morning.

It wasn't knight time yet.



Submitted October 31, 2015 at 10:56AM by JonBoyT60

I have a confession to make, I have illegitimate twin sons in Mexico. One is named Jose, and the other is named...

Hose B.



Submitted October 31, 2015 at 11:00AM by goodboyBill

Life is a lot like toilet paper.

You're either on a roll.....or you're taking shit from some asshole.



Submitted October 31, 2015 at 10:04AM by Bernierx

Met a woman with 12 boobs the other day

Sounds weird dozen tit?



Submitted October 31, 2015 at 07:06AM by joshiverson

My dad was contemplating a motorcycle trip in the cold pennsylvania weather

Dad: Hey what's the temperature outside? Do you think I should take the motorcycle today?

Mom: the temperature is 36°

Dad: oh, nevermind. I would be a pop-sicle.

Everyone: collective groans

Dad: and then you guys can sing "f-reeze a jolly good fellow, freeze a jolly good fellow!"

Help.



Submitted October 31, 2015 at 09:55AM by ToothpasteVEVO

My boss said he's going to fire the employee with the worst posture. I've got a hunch it might be me.

No text found

Submitted October 31, 2015 at 03:55AM by rumblefish65

Painted my computer black hoping it would run faster...

Now it just doesn't work.



Submitted October 31, 2015 at 08:14AM by monzzter221

What kind of jeans do ghosts wear?

Boo Jeans



Submitted October 31, 2015 at 08:31AM by 111ridges

In a dog-eat-dog world, every day is a rough day.

No text found

Submitted October 31, 2015 at 05:14AM by meatbalz

Why did President Obama get two terms?

Because every black man gets a longer sentence.



Submitted October 31, 2015 at 12:15AM by ipodtouche

What's it called when you get a boner at a funeral? (NSFW)

Mourning wood.



Submitted October 31, 2015 at 05:11AM by Admiral_Fuckwit

Why do ghosts like to ride elevators?

It lifts their spirits.



Submitted October 31, 2015 at 03:58AM by homevp

Friday, October 30, 2015

I'm always frank with my sexual partners

I don't want them knowing my real name.



Submitted October 30, 2015 at 06:14PM by FirstmateJibbs

What kind of milk does a cow drink?

The utter kind



Submitted October 31, 2015 at 12:02AM by Nuckadams

I asked my dad what his least favorite type of music was.

Traffic jams.



Submitted October 30, 2015 at 09:38PM by rmoss20

A man is at his doctor ...

... And the doctor asks the man to pull down his pants and sit on the bench as the doctor examines him.

The doctor says "Don't worry, it's totally normal to get an erection at this moment".

The man says "But I don't have an erection" "No but I do" the doctor replied.



Submitted October 30, 2015 at 01:45PM by ReptileCake

What to do when it starts raining

"If you put a frying pan over your head while it's raining, it becomes a drying pan!"



Submitted October 30, 2015 at 06:31PM by ArabianDisco

Emotional support

So this was a few years ago I had just been diagnosed with brain cancer and I had go to a clinic and deposit some sperm before I started chemo. My dad said he would drive me there for emotional support. So I go in the back room, do my business, then on the elevator ride down my dad leans in and asks "did everything cum out ok?"



Submitted October 30, 2015 at 08:34PM by chase_the_conqueror

Dad if you could hang out with anyone, dead or alive, who would it be?

Robin Williams. The dead version I guess, since you gave me the option.



Submitted October 30, 2015 at 08:24PM by cosmonk_

My wife is going on a trip tomorrow and told me she needs to pack.

I told her that's quite unfortunate because he's dead.



Submitted October 30, 2015 at 08:41PM by unidentifiedfish

White guy goes to prison... (NSFW)

To his dismay, he's put in a cell with a very large black man. After a few moments of silence, the black man says in a deep, booming voice, "There's one thing we gotta get straight right now if we're gonna be in this cell together. We gots to figure out who's gonna be the husband and who's gonna be the wife. I'll let you decide."

The white guy is shaken, and thinks for a moment through all of the ramifications of his decision. Finally he says, "Okay, I'll be the husband."

The black guys says, "That's fine with me. Now get over here and suck yo wife's dick."



Submitted October 30, 2015 at 12:35PM by antonholden

Why do pediatricians get so frustrated?

They have very little patients.



Submitted October 30, 2015 at 04:16PM by hamsandwichb

I recently got crushed by a pile of books,

I recently got crushed by a pile of books, but I suppose I have only my shelf to blame.



Submitted October 30, 2015 at 01:27PM by voracread

I wanted to troll my preschoolers, but nobody understood my costume, even after I told them.



Submitted October 30, 2015 at 04:36PM by Illogical_Fallacy

My dad on a little kid's skeleton t-shirt

"You should really eat more, I can see your bones"

he really shouldn't tell those any more, we can all hear the groans



Submitted October 30, 2015 at 04:35PM by warmerbread

Who led the Jews across a semi-permeable membrane?

osMoses



Submitted October 30, 2015 at 01:43PM by bitsbots

Why I won't carpool.

I thought about carpooling with some co-workers to work, but the problem is that on the way to the office we have to go through a tunnel. I'm deathly afraid of this situation. Turns out I have carpool tunnel syndrome.



Submitted October 30, 2015 at 02:01PM by Error_404_Account

What's Whitney Houston's favorite type of coordination?

HAND EYYYYYYYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEYYYYYYYYYYYEE



Submitted October 30, 2015 at 11:33AM by cdsparks

5 year old son after reading a story about a king...

Son:......Mom, I also want 5 wives.....one will cook, one will sing, one will bathe me.......

Mom:....And one will put you to sleep

Son:..No mom, i will still sleep with you

Mom's eyes filled up with tears ... God bless you son

Mom:...but who will sleep with your 5 wives

Son...Let them sleep with daddy

Daddy's eyes filled up with tears... God bless you son !



Submitted October 30, 2015 at 12:23PM by stp6435

My daughter got an "F" on her report card.

In Gender.



Submitted October 30, 2015 at 02:33PM by deanmakesglass

Greatest Halloween Joke Ever

A couple were invited to a swanky family masked fancy dress halloween party.

The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, woke without pain and as it was still early decided go to the party. As her husband didn't know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.

So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his costume, cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice "chick" he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her. She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband. After more drinks he finally whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had passionate intercourse in the back seat. Just before unmasking at midnight she slipped away, went home, put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make up for his outrageous behavior. She was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of time he had. "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." Then she asked, "Did you dance much?" He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the spare room and played poker all evening." "You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker all night!" she said with unashamed sarcasm. To which the husband replied, "Actually, I gave my costume to your Dad. Apparently he had the time of his life."



Submitted October 30, 2015 at 06:03AM by jhspth88

My back is pretty weak... Hurt it about a week back.

No text found

Submitted October 30, 2015 at 11:04AM by SHSLTVPersonality

T-shirt reads: "GO, CEILING!"

...

My partner is dressed as a ceiling fan for Halloween. My kids don't think it's funny, which actually makes him laugh even harder.



Submitted October 30, 2015 at 01:26PM by tallavery

What do rednecks do on Halloween?

Pump-kin.



Submitted October 30, 2015 at 12:25PM by tyguyS4

Cashier got me today

Asked him to hold the peppers on my sandwich. He asked for how long. Chuckles were shared.



Submitted October 30, 2015 at 12:47PM by pooponapoptart

why is rain the best kind of music?

because it has amazing drops.



Submitted October 30, 2015 at 08:46AM by scribbleandscratch

A gynecologist notices that a new patient is nervous.

While putting on the latex gloves, he asks her if she knows how they make latex gloves. The patient says no. The doctor says:

  • There is a plant in Mexico full of latex that people of various hand sizes dip their hands into and let them dry.

She does not crack a smile, but later she laughs.

The doctor says:

  • What's so funny?

She answers:

-I'm imagining how they make condoms.



Submitted October 30, 2015 at 06:58AM by szbest

My sister had an allergic reaction to something...

So I told her, "scratch where you're breaking out then smell it. It should smell like whatever you are allergic to. " It took a second before she rolled her eyes.



Submitted October 30, 2015 at 10:54AM by BretticusMaximus92

Whenever I tell dad jokes

he laughs.



Submitted October 30, 2015 at 05:57AM by katherineboo525

Someone called me racist for saying "black paint"

Apparently the politically correct term is "Tyrone, please paint the fence".



Submitted October 30, 2015 at 09:15AM by bundycamp

Doubles Wrapper Needed (Explanation in Comments)

Doubles is one of the most popular and beloved local foods in Trinidad and Tobago. Actually featured on Travel Channel's Bizarre Foods with Andrew Zimmern. It's an absolutely delicious street food and the person making it wraps it before bagging it for you, hence the name doubles wrapper.

A guy on a local forum advertises a job for a doubles wrapper... Dads from all over the country unite to hijack his thread. Hijack starts in the 7th post.

Doubles Wrapper Needed



Submitted October 30, 2015 at 09:57AM by RichardDawkings

My buddy and I are trying to plan out halloween. Got me pretty good.

Me "Well it's supposed to rain Saturday so nothing is concrete."
Him "It will be after it dries."



Submitted October 30, 2015 at 09:30AM by karlswartz

Got some dark looks at the coffee shop for this one

Cashier told me: "It's $4.05". I looked at my watch and said, "No, it's 8:45."



Submitted October 30, 2015 at 09:37AM by ewitt1093

Have you heard of the band, "1023 Megabytes"?

No, because they haven't made it to a gig yet.



Submitted October 30, 2015 at 09:12AM by OmegaPiggi

*sigh*

I posted a text my dad sent me yesterday. Here: http://ift.tt/1XBXA7r

This just happened:

Me: "hey dad my reddit post of your text is at 630 upvotes now"

Dad: "That's awesome. Keep me posted."

Me: sighs and walks away



Submitted October 30, 2015 at 08:30AM by Ryan_da_5_9

Working in the Garden

Sometimes when I'm working in the garden it strains my eyes, so I have to use my weeding glasses.



Submitted October 30, 2015 at 08:34AM by Swyl

tasty bits from halloweenjokes.com

What is Dracula's favorite fruit?

A:: A juicy Necktarine!

What is worse than raining black cats and bloodhounds?

A:: Hailing Taxis.

Why won't Dracula bite Taylor Swift?

A:: Because she's got badddd bloooddd

How come mummies cannot go on vacations?

A:: They're afraid they will relax and unwind



Submitted October 30, 2015 at 07:40AM by MiltBFine

I had a race with an Asian today

It was a Thai



Submitted October 30, 2015 at 06:49AM by Ritlord

I can swallow two pieces of string and make them come out an hour later tied together

I SHIT YOU KNOT



Submitted October 30, 2015 at 12:34AM by cws27

The invention of the shovel was a groundbreaking discovery

No text found

Submitted October 30, 2015 at 02:00AM by ErnaForPresident

Get it together son!



Submitted October 30, 2015 at 02:30AM by 1Darkest_Knight1

Thursday, October 29, 2015

A present for his son



Submitted October 30, 2015 at 12:24AM by MattProducer

A priest offered a Nun a lift.

She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?' The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?' The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.' Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'



Submitted October 29, 2015 at 10:01PM by maomaodong

Wife: My hubby & I have, what he calls-Olympic sex.

Friend: Wow, must be a terrific sex life?

Wife: Not really. It only happens once in 4 years.



Submitted October 29, 2015 at 09:48PM by maomaodong

A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall. He approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my grandpa"

The cop asked, "What's he like?"

The little boy replied, "Jack Daniels and women with big tits.



Submitted October 30, 2015 at 12:15AM by ipodtouche

What do you call a big pile of cats?

A Meowntain.



Submitted October 30, 2015 at 12:07AM by Dankaay

Easy way to search your wife.

A man approached a very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and said, "I've lost my wife here in the supermarket." "Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"

The woman looked puzzled. "Why talk to me?" she asked.

"Because every time I talk to a woman with tits like yours, my wife appears out of nowhere!"



Submitted October 29, 2015 at 11:04PM by privacyact

why do they have salsa jar inspectors?

to make sure everything is a-ole.



Submitted October 29, 2015 at 10:22PM by Morphosai

I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of prison...

...but apparently you can't end a sentence with a proposition.



Submitted October 29, 2015 at 08:26PM by barrbarian84

Hubby got me at dinner :/

Me: I really want to learn how to poach eggs.

Hubby: isn't that illegal?

Ha. Ha.



Submitted October 29, 2015 at 05:39PM by genesis530

I saw a raggedy little boy on the street and asked him if he was an orphan. He said, "What gave me away?"

I said, "Your parents."



Submitted October 29, 2015 at 04:52PM by -TentacleMonster

A bowling ball jumps off a roof...

Looking among the pieces of shattered bowling ball, the Physicist in the crowd regretfully said, "He had so much potential..."

I know I know. I'm not a dad but I teach physics and I've never made up a joke before.... X/post from jokes.



Submitted October 29, 2015 at 07:15PM by Jigbaa

Heard this one from a scientist last night

Two scientists walk into a bar:

“I’ll have an H2O.”

“I’ll have an H2O, too.”

The bartender gives them both water because he is able to distinguish the boundary tones that dictate the grammatical function of homonyms in coda position as well as pragmatic context.



Submitted October 29, 2015 at 02:26PM by Qaplalala

If electricity follows the path of least resistance...

Why doesn't lightning only strike in France?



Submitted October 29, 2015 at 03:46PM by thatgameman

I may be young but I still made the cashier at Walmart cringe with this one.

I bought a case of Natty lights. As she was scanning it she said, "wow this is really heavy" to which I responded "No, they're light. It even says so on the box." I was so proud of myself.



Submitted October 29, 2015 at 05:01PM by Darklord_Of_Bacon

We were talking about assignments in class

It was the end of the class, we were talking about due assignments (Master thesis prep group, cuz iamverysmart). Things were getting a bit informal, when one of my fellow students asked:

"When do we get our graded paper back?"

to which I loudly yelled:

"I'd like a hardcover!"

Some snorted, some didn't understand it, but the overarching sound I heard was loud groaning. Worth.



Submitted October 29, 2015 at 05:22PM by FelixR1991

What does a dyslexic klan member hate?

Gingers



Submitted October 29, 2015 at 01:18PM by BungholeSauce

Son's birthday is coming up (xpost /r/funny)



Submitted October 29, 2015 at 01:18PM by keehcyma

Why did the fisherman become a banker?

He knew all about net worth.



Submitted October 29, 2015 at 04:19PM by Ubertekk

Apple Stock

Apple's stock surges on announcement of two-child policy change in China



Submitted October 29, 2015 at 08:34AM by TMacATL

The other day, I was really worn out from work, but I have my family very well-trained in the ways of the Dad Joke

So, I was pretty worn out the other day and was not even close to my A game in terms of coherent conversation, let alone my sense of humor.

At dinner, the kids wanted some yogurt so my wife got up to get it and asked me, "Do you want some yogurt, Baby?"

I paused for a moment to actually decide whether I wanted some and must have made some weird look, because she immediately followed up with, "I know, I know, 'What's a yogurt baby?'"

The Dad Joke is strong in my home even when I'm not there to do the work. That is good news.



Submitted October 29, 2015 at 01:24PM by chaosTechnician

Today I got told I am condescending.......

That means I talk down to people



Submitted October 29, 2015 at 10:25AM by jaunsolo29

What did the man say after digging three holes?

"Well, well, well..."

My dads favorite joke. Hopefully it hasn't been done before. Xpost from r/jokes



Submitted October 29, 2015 at 12:57PM by Jigbaa

A young woman was taking golf lessons and had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting.

Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for medical assistance.

The golf pro saw her heading back and said, “You are back early, what’s wrong?”

“I was stung by a bee!” she said.

“Where?” he asked.

“Between the first and second hole.” she replied.

He nodded and said, “Your stance is far too wide.”



Submitted October 29, 2015 at 10:45AM by maomaodong

If only I could hear the groan through text message

My wife sent me a picture of our baby. This was the exchange that followed:

Me: Look at those cheeks! They are huge!

Her: It is the angle, I am sure. The camera adds 10 pounds.

Me: How many cameras are you using?!



Submitted October 29, 2015 at 11:59AM by Taco_Pie

This text from my dad

Me: "I got a 94 on my psych exam from tuesday"

Dad: "thats great. You must be psyched"



Submitted October 29, 2015 at 11:58AM by Ryan_da_5_9

A woman has been married to her husband for ten years...

...and for all those ten years her husband insisted on making love in the dark. No matter how much she asked him, he would never turn the lights on.

One night she grew tired of this and turned on the light while they were making love, and saw that he was using a dildo on her.

She says:

  • Honey, how could you do this! All this time you've never told me. Explain yourself immediately!

The husband says:

  • Okay, I'll explain. But first you explain the kids.


Submitted October 29, 2015 at 07:57AM by szbest

Penis Contest

Three third-graders, a Jew, an Italian, and an African American are on the playground at recess. The Jewish kid suggests that they play a new game. "Let's see who has the largest dick," he says. "Okay," they all agree.

The Jewish kid pulls down his zipper and whips it out. "That's nothing," says the Italian kid. He whips his out. His is a couple of inches longer. Not to be outdone, the African American whips his out. It is by far the biggest, dwarfing the other two in both length and width. The Jewish and Italian kid are stunned and amazed. "Wow, that thing is huge!" they exclaim.

That night, eating dinner at home, the African American's mother asks him what he did at school today.

"Oh, we worked on a science project, had a math test and read out loud from a new book ...and during recess, my friends and I played "Let's see who has the largest dick."

"What kind of game is that, honey?" asks his mother.

"Well, me, Sidney and Anthony each pulled out our penises, and I had the biggest! The other kids say its because I'm black. Is that true, Mom?"

The mom replies: "No, honey. It's because you're twenty-three."



Submitted October 29, 2015 at 10:04AM by timmytron

My dad was talking to a piece of bread.

He was supposedly calling his sister when I interrupted him.

As I went to ask him about something, he said...

"What do you want? I'm using the tel-loaf-hone!!"



Submitted October 29, 2015 at 10:02AM by Pokefan993

Just bought a cup of coffee

She said, "that'll be 1.10," so I handed her a single Hamilton and said, "that's a pricey cup of coffee."



Submitted October 29, 2015 at 10:17AM by damacu

An old farmer gets pulled over by a state trooper...

While the trooper is talking to him, he keeps swatting at a swarm of flies around him.

The farmer says “Having trouble with them circle flies, officer?”

The trooper says “Yeah– why do call them circle flies?”

The farmer says “Well they’re usually seen circling round the back end of horses.”

The trooper asks “Are you calling me a horse's ass?”

The farmer says “Oh no officer, I got too much respect for the police to do that. Hard to fool them circle flies though.”



Submitted October 29, 2015 at 08:22AM by Mike_1970

What vampire does everyone accept, but basically ignore?

DracEULA.



Submitted October 29, 2015 at 09:02AM by Chivalrybean

Why is Peter pan always flying?

Because he neverlands



Submitted October 29, 2015 at 03:42AM by alhan26

Which letter of the alphabet is the laziest?

letter G (lethargy)



Submitted October 29, 2015 at 08:28AM by phoebeans

A man dies and goes to Hell.

The devil greets him:

  • You may choose which room you wish to enter. Whichever you choose, the person in that room will switch with you. They'll go to heaven and you'll take over until somebody switches with you. So go on, pick a room.

The devil leads him to the first room where someone is tied to a wall and is being whipped. The second room has someone being burned by a torch. The third has a man getting blown by a naked woman.

  • I choose this room!- the man says.

  • Very well, - the devil says. He walks up to the woman and taps her on the shoulder.

  • You can go now. I've found you're replacement."



Submitted October 29, 2015 at 03:10AM by szbest

My dad got my sister yesterday

My sister was throwing a toy to our dog, and saying "catch it, catch it!"

My dad from the kitchen shouted. "Evie, stop swearing. Besides, she's a dog"

That got groans from both of us...



Submitted October 29, 2015 at 07:11AM by Phoenix963

2 goats were found to have dyslexia after turning up to a toga party.

No text found

Submitted October 29, 2015 at 03:58AM by RatsOnRitalin

How does Harry Potter go down a hill? By walking.

JK. Rowling.



Submitted October 29, 2015 at 01:23AM by NightmareBB

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant...

While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, 'Kin ya swallar?'

The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'

The woman begins to turn blue, and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.

The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table. His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I never seed nobody done it.'



Submitted October 29, 2015 at 01:02AM by HuggingTheJellyfish

When pancakes go wrong.

My gf unit was malfunctioning trying to make pancakes and added to much water. So I decided to fix them. Unfortunately they came out....crepe.



Submitted October 29, 2015 at 03:36AM by Dracon1022

Wednesday, October 28, 2015

What does a necrophiliac and an alcoholic have in common?

They both like to crack open a cold one.



Submitted October 29, 2015 at 01:13AM by Molester_Stallone_

Norm MacDonald got old



Submitted October 29, 2015 at 12:36AM by MrFlagg

An alcoholic walks into a candy store...

The alcoholic looks around and after a while the storekeeper says "Can I help you with anything?"

The alcoholic replies "Yeah, got any liquor?"

"Well, I'm not sure but there is this"

"What is that?"

"It's liquor-ish"



Submitted October 28, 2015 at 10:26PM by Yoshi_IX

iPod Shuffle

Today, I was playing my iPod on shuffle. The song, "This is Not the End" by The Bravery came on. The next song was "This is the End" by She Wants Revenge. It was followed by "The End." by My Chemical Romance. As soon as the songs finished, the battery promptly died. I think my iPod left a suicide note.



Submitted October 28, 2015 at 08:02PM by jonnybravo123

What did Yoda say to Luke at the dinner table?

"Use the fork, Luke."



Submitted October 28, 2015 at 10:31PM by jiveon

The female bartender felt bad for her

Girl I went out with tonight and I were getting drinks at the bar, when said said that she was gonna skip her 9am lecture tomorrow. I asked why she said "Its on fungi it gonna be so boring". I said "You love fungi though, you hang out with me." The bartender gave her the pity look.



Submitted October 28, 2015 at 09:55PM by idontknow1122

Got an exasperated sigh from my boyfriend at dinner

Boyfriend serves dinner, a delicious salad. Him: Ok, let us eat! Me: No, this is arugula. He gave me the side eye and shook his head.



Submitted October 28, 2015 at 09:52PM by mangolover

A cat gives birth in a public park...

...and is fined $50 for littering.



Submitted October 28, 2015 at 05:56PM by ihazacupcake

A hooker decides to marry...

After working for years, a hooker finally retired and, being afraid of spending the rest of her life alone, she decided to marry. She had been with so many perverted men over the years that she felt she needed a change and would only get one by marrying a virgin male near her age.

She took out ads in newspapers around the world seeking a male virgin who was 55 years old. She finally narrowed her choice to an Australian computer programmer.

After a thorough background check, she was satisfied that he had indeed never been with a woman and they were married. On their wedding night, she went into the bathroom to change into her nightie. When she came back out, she found that her new husband had taken the bed and everything in the room and stacked it in one corner of the room. Thinking this was rather kinky, she said to her husband, "I thought you had never been with a woman."

He replied, "This is true, but if it's anything like screwing a kangaroo, we're going to need all the room we can get".



Submitted October 28, 2015 at 03:32PM by Bushwacker61

A woman dropped a $10 note next to me. I thought, 'What would Jesus do?'

I turned it into wine. I bought wine.



Submitted October 28, 2015 at 04:45PM by PeterrLFC

If you find celery in your basket and you didn't put it there...

someone's stalking you.



Submitted October 28, 2015 at 04:42PM by menoseljenn8

Happened years ago when I was a little kid trick or treating.

Went up to the guy on the porch and said "trick or treat!" The guy (probably a college age young man) stood up, did a kick flip on his skateboard and sat back down. That's what I get for giving him the choice....

We did end up getting a piece of candy but he was damn proud of himself.



Submitted October 28, 2015 at 06:11PM by mwhaskin

My buddy might not be my dad, but he is definitely A dad.

I got to work and said to my friend,

"Dude, I saw two people hit deer on the way to work this morning"

To which he immediately replied,

"How do you know those deer were on their way to work?"

Harrrrrrrrr



Submitted October 28, 2015 at 06:13PM by Peabo721

Why did Avogadro have trouble picking up chicks?

Because his number couldn't fit in their phones



Submitted October 28, 2015 at 12:37PM by Gumland44

Walking with my gf back to her place when a cop blocks the road

GF: Man, what a jerk, I know he saw us, why'd he stop right there?

Me: Man, what a cop-block.



Submitted October 28, 2015 at 05:57PM by mitchell271

If we're going to fight the war on terror

...a good place to start would be our country's haunted houses



Submitted October 28, 2015 at 03:06PM by mojo_magnifico

I walked in on my dad talking to the floor...

He kept saying, "no!"

I know better but I ask anyway, "what are you doing?"

He gives me that awful dad look and says, "Saying no to rugs."



Submitted October 28, 2015 at 04:48PM by 16thmission

Why do astronauts love being in space?

Because they never have to vacuum.



Submitted October 28, 2015 at 04:48PM by FucksLikeASeraphim

My gf is American and I'm Canadian; I told her if we ever move to the US I'll need to buy a bunch of tank tops...

Because I'll have the right to bare arms.



Submitted October 28, 2015 at 04:20PM by EhTrain

Constipuntion: The predicament of having the perfect punchline to a pun without a viable set-up.

Credit for this to my fister. That's "friend that's like a sister," pervs.



Submitted October 28, 2015 at 03:56PM by strangefool

"Don't be tardy again! If you're tardy again you're going to become retardy."

No text found

Submitted October 28, 2015 at 03:16PM by dargscisyhp

A man placed flowers on the grave

of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave.

The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?"

The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?"

The man took a moment to collect himself, then replied, "My wife's first husband."



Submitted October 28, 2015 at 11:03AM by Bushwacker61

Did you hear what they said about the data on the Baltimore blimp?

It's in the cloud.



Submitted October 28, 2015 at 02:28PM by bill_will

*bug splats on windshield* "Bet he doesn't have the guts to do that again"

No text found

Submitted October 28, 2015 at 01:58PM by ABellGargoyle

2 Black Eyes

A man walks into work with two black eyes. His boss asks what happened.

The man says, "I was sitting behind a big woman at church. When we stood up to sing hymns, I noticed that her dress was caught in her crack, so I pulled it out. She turned around and punched me square in the eye."

"Where did you get the other shiner?" the boss asks.

"Well," the man says, "I figured she preferred it in the crack, so I pushed it back in."



Submitted October 28, 2015 at 07:37AM by glorialovelyface

Got my vice principal today.

My friends and I were arm wrestling at lunch, we get around 3 matches in when our vice principal came in and told us we had to stop. We ask why and I say it's because we're not allowed to be armed at school. The vice principal walks away and my friends laugh their asses off. Today was a good day.



Submitted October 28, 2015 at 01:11PM by hungryfox77

Sister got me.

Talking about a song that was playing.

Me: That's "Your Song by Elton John".

Sister: He didn't make a song for me.

Me: Shocked by how quick she was, groaned, and chuckled.



Submitted October 28, 2015 at 12:21PM by Zamibe

My girlfriend called 911...

Operator: 911, what's the problem?

GF:sigh nothing, I'm fine...



Submitted October 28, 2015 at 09:57AM by reddit_is_infinite

I went to the library and asked for a book on Pavlov's dog and Shrodinger's Cat

The librarian said "That rings a bell but I don't know if it's here or not."



Submitted October 28, 2015 at 10:39AM by klepferscorner

What do you call a worm that poses as another worm?

A composter.



Submitted October 28, 2015 at 11:38AM by nuno112

A skeleton racer was a contestant on Wipeout. She falls off of an obstacle feet first...

Announcer: What a Luge-er.



Submitted October 28, 2015 at 11:19AM by Beard-

What do prime numbers and stoners have in common?

The higher they are, the more spaced out they get



Submitted October 28, 2015 at 10:22AM by L285

How do you tell X chromosomes from Y chromosomes?

You pull down their genes.



Submitted October 28, 2015 at 09:28AM by AxeEffect3890

Husband stuck me with this one

I'm working on a craft project, and I said "I ran out of hot glue."

He sez, "Just put more in. Turn the cold glue into hot glue."



Submitted October 28, 2015 at 10:16AM by sermandertis

Strap-on backwards spells No-parts.

No text found

Submitted October 28, 2015 at 08:11AM by Double-Up

Engineer goes to Hell...

The engineer looks around, confused, and sees that despite having lived what he felt was a pious and good life, he is in Hell.

Satan quickly introduces himself. "Welcome to Hell. I can't say i was expecting you, so i guess St. Peter made a mistake when he put you on the Hell list. I'll have one of my demons phone him right away. In the mean time, well, there isn't much, but if you want to amuse yourself, i can help you with that."

The engineer thinks for a moment, and then says, "You know, it is extremely hot down here. I'd love to build a large AC unit. Do you have the materials?"

Satan says, "Well, yes, we have all manners of metals due to our location under the Earth's crust. Have at it."

The engineer, after 3 days of heavy work, finishes his Hell-wide AC and turns it on. After 3 hours, the temperature has finally reached a more desirable 78 degrees, and Hell is much less hellish. Satan is highly impressed. "Nice work, i didn't think this was even possible! Sorry to say, though, St. Peter refuses to admit he messed up. Since you made this AC happen, I'll let you do whatever you want."

The engineer thinks, and says, "You now it's also really dark and dim with just the lava flows. Have the materials for a lighting system?" Satan says, "Of course! God sent some heavenly light once but i never could figure out how it worked. Here's the instructions."

2 days later, the heavenly light had been configured to brightly light Hell. Productivity was way up and now Hell was not so bad anymore. Satan tells the engineer, "I like you, bud! Tell you what, you can live like a king. Got a room in my castle for you. Everything you could ever want is there."

At this point, several angels had reviewed the engineer's life and informed God of St. Peter's mistake. God hastily adds the engineer to the Heaven list. He calls Satan and asks for the engineer.

Satan says, "No way, man! Hell has never been so nice before him. We have lighting, cooling, and now he's tinkering with machines that haven't worked since your son went to Earth! I'm keeping him."

God immediately responds, "He is a good man, though! He belongs in Heaven. It is only right! If you will not return him, I'll have to take you to court."

Satan laughs, and says, "Oh, and just where will you find a lawyer?"



Submitted October 28, 2015 at 04:53AM by supertone4671

What kind of dog doesn't bark?

A hush puppy



Submitted October 28, 2015 at 08:37AM by drkmoosegaming

Three men die in a car accident on Christmas Eve

Three men die in a car accident on Christmas Eve. They all find themselves at the Pearly Gates waiting to enter heaven. On entering they must present something relating to or associated with Christmas. The first man searches his pocket, and finds some mistletoe, so he is allowed in. The second man presents a cracker, so he is also allowed in. The third man pulls out a pair of stockings. Confused at this last gesture, St Peter asks, ‘How do these represent Christmas?' Answer: ‘They're Carol's.'



Submitted October 28, 2015 at 07:00AM by hiter_pak

Headache and testicles

Joe had suffered from really bad headaches for the last 20 years.

He eventually decides to go and see a Doctor.

The Doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache.

The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.'

Joe was shocked and depressed.He wondered if he had anything to live for.

He had no choice but to go under the knife. The surgery cost him $15,000.

When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.

As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He saw a Men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need... A new Suit.'

He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new Suit.'

The elderly Tailor eyed him briefly and said, 'Let's see... size 44 long.

Joe laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?'

'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said.

Joe tried on the suit it fit perfectly.

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new shirt?'

Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.'

The salesman eyed Joe and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.'

Joe was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?'

'Been in the business 60 years.'

Joe tried the shirt and it fit perfectly.

Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, 'How about some new Underwear?'

Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure..'

The salesman said, 'Let's see..... size 36.

Joe laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you! I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old..'

The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your Testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a Headache.'



Submitted October 28, 2015 at 05:46AM by tehflyboy

I got a tattoo of the numbers 0 through 9 yesterday

Now I can always count on myself.



Submitted October 28, 2015 at 03:33AM by Dalfamurni

My wife said she'd leave me if I didn't stop eating Pasta

Now I'm feeling cannelloni



Submitted October 28, 2015 at 03:41AM by dannyr

... but really, what's the story with rhetorical questions?

...



Submitted October 28, 2015 at 05:14AM by BrokkenFrepz

I accidentally put my donor card in the cash machine the other day.

It cost me an arm and a leg.



Submitted October 28, 2015 at 04:13AM by trajiin

Tuesday, October 27, 2015

Son: "Mom, Dad.. I'm gay" [x-post from /r/jokes]

Son: "Mom, Dad.. I'm gay"

Mom: *staring at dad

Dad: ...*clenches fists

Mom: ...don't!

Dad: *sweats profusely

Mom:

Dad: HI GAY, IM DAD

Kudos to @Lerky on Twitter



Submitted October 28, 2015 at 01:37AM by rplusg

The Commandments

God went to the Arabs and said, 'I have Commandments for you that will make your lives better.'

The Arabs asked, 'What are Commandments?' And the Lord said, 'They are rules for living.'

'Can you give us an example?'

'Thou shall not kill.'

'Not kill? We're not interested..'

So He went to the Blacks and said, 'I have Commandments.'

The Blacks wanted an example, and the Lord said, 'Honor thy Father and Mother.'

'Father? We don't know who our fathers are. We're not interested.'

Then He went to the Mexicans and said, 'I have Commandments.'

The Mexicans also wanted an example, and the Lord said 'Thou shall not steal.'

'Not steal? We're not interested.'

Then He went to the French and said, 'I have Commandments.'

The French too wanted an example and the Lord said, 'Thou shall not commit adultery.'

'Sacre bleu!!! Not commit adultery? We're not interested.'

Finally, He went to the Jews and said, 'I have Commandments..'

'Commandments?' They said, 'How much are they?'

'They're free.'

'We'll take 10.'



Submitted October 28, 2015 at 12:11AM by smilesmo

Why did the snowman smile?

He heard that the snow-blower was in town.



Submitted October 27, 2015 at 08:05PM by ThatsHowGrammaDied

Eye surgery was the best thing I could've ever bought...

20/20, would buy again.



Submitted October 27, 2015 at 09:40PM by Neo4277

Bruce Jenner winning woman of the year just proves that men are better than women at everything, including being a woman

No text found

Submitted October 27, 2015 at 10:15PM by reddit_human

Why was the dildo company so successful?

Good product placement.



Submitted October 27, 2015 at 07:45PM by PENIS_VAGINA

A list of Hilary Clinton jokes.

[deleted]



Submitted October 27, 2015 at 05:45PM by Matthew_A

Son: "Mom, Dad.. I'm gay"

Son: "Mom, Dad.. I'm gay"

Mom: *staring at dad

Dad: ...*clenches fists

Mom: ...don't!

Dad: *sweats profusely

Mom:

Dad: HI GAY, IM DAD

Kudos to @Lerky on Twitter



Submitted October 27, 2015 at 05:09PM by Rafikithewd

Getting tired of these people who come to my door, telling me I'm gonna burn unless I'm saved...

The flashing lights on their trucks were pretty cool to see, though.



Submitted October 27, 2015 at 06:38PM by thr0waway7373

Why was the accountant constipated?

Because he couldn't budget.



Submitted October 27, 2015 at 06:57PM by Zamibe

What was Mozart doing in the graveyard?

De-composing!!



Submitted October 27, 2015 at 06:32PM by ademnus

What is an outlaw's favorite font family?

Sans sheriff



Submitted October 27, 2015 at 06:14PM by kammerdiener

My dad just gave my mom a wristwatch for their anniversary

Me; Mom your love is worth a watch Dad; You should take some time thinking about that



Submitted October 27, 2015 at 05:06PM by ShittyNeighbour

Girlfriend and I were discussing what she was wearing to work the next day

Her: What do you think about these heels? Me: The hooker heels? Her: They're not! It's not easy being short okay. Me: I tend to overlook that. Her: Aww how...you asshole!

She wasn't too happy afterwards.



Submitted October 27, 2015 at 04:21PM by ummagamma

A gang of bikers walk into a truckstop

They see a small man sitting in the corner. They gather around and start to harass him. One biker picks up his coffee and pours it in his lap. "What are you gonna do about it?" he asks. The man just sits there. Another biker picks up the syrup bottle and pours syrup all over the man's head. "How about now?" Still, the man just sits there.

The bikers laugh and go sit down. The man gets up and goes to the bathroom to clean up, then he pays his check and leaves.

The waitress walks over to the bikers to get their order. One of the bikers says to her, "That guy wasn't much of a man, was he?"

She looks out the window and says, "No, and he's not much of a truck driver either. He just ran over all those motorcycles."



Submitted October 27, 2015 at 03:21PM by skpicky

Girlfriend told me she had a secret admirer at work and sent me a photo of a pastry left on her desk.

I wrote back that she'd "butter be careful; I bet he's pretty flaky."



Submitted October 27, 2015 at 03:26PM by J_Andrew89

Why would naming your daughter Sara Emily guarantee to make her popular?

Because, everyone know Miss Sara E loves company.



Submitted October 27, 2015 at 09:50AM by stubob

Not so much a "joke" but I think it fits. Decorating for a Halloween Party

We have a minifridge we stocked with beer for the party, and I put a sign on the fridge that says "BOO-ze"

My roommate just shook his head and walked away.



Submitted October 27, 2015 at 02:58PM by walkingcarpet23

Choose Your Death

A Frenchman, an Englishman and an Irishman are exploring the jungle and are captured by a fierce tribe.

The chief tells them, "The bad news is that we've caught you, we're going to kill you, and then use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you get to choose how you die."

The Frenchman says, "I take ze poison." The chief gives him some poison; the Frenchman says, "Vive la France!" and drinks it down.

The Englishman says, "A pistol for me, please." The chief gives him a pistol; the Brit points it at his head, says, "God save the Queen!" and blows his brains out.

The Irishman says, "Gimme a fork." The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork. The Irishman takes the fork and jabs himself all over -- the stomach, the sides, the chest, everywhere. Blood gushes from every hole.

The chief screams, "What are you doing?"

He looks at the chief and says, "Fuck your canoe, asshole!"



Submitted October 27, 2015 at 12:06PM by glorialovelyface

A Golden Oldie Blonde joke...

A blonde called her boyfriend and said, “Please come over here and help me… I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can’t figure out how to get it started.”

Her boyfriend asked, “What is it supposed to be when it’s finished?”

The blonde said, “According to the picture on the box, it’s a tiger.”

Her boyfriend decided to go over and help with the puzzle. She let him in and showed him where she had the puzzle spread all over the table. He studied the pieces for a moment, then looked at the box, then turned to her and said, “First of all, no matter what we do, we’re not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger.”

He took her hand and said, “Second, I’d want you to relax… Let’s have a nice cup of hot chocolate, and then…”

He sighed, “let’s put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box.”



Submitted October 27, 2015 at 01:32PM by Don_chingon

Dad, I'm thirsty..

Nice to meet you, I'm Friday.



Submitted October 27, 2015 at 02:17PM by 26326312

I'm saving money for new shrubs out front

I call it my hedge fund



Submitted October 27, 2015 at 01:24PM by ElLibroGrande

This is not a drill. I repeat, this is NOT a drill.



Submitted October 27, 2015 at 01:01PM by nurris

Water bottles

My girlfriend gave me one of her S'well water bottles that she found on a trip to Austin. I recently found one at the airport and gave it to her, and she gave me her old one. Last night I brought it to her dorm room and walked up to her, showed it to her, and whispered "look....we're S'wellmates"

Pretty sure she wanted to slap me.



Submitted October 27, 2015 at 12:28PM by Draked1

How many Irishmen does it take to change a lightbulb?

One. He is drunk, and he tells the bulb to screw itself.



Submitted October 27, 2015 at 08:57AM by genericguysname

What do you call a dog with no legs?

Don't bother, he's not coming.



Submitted October 27, 2015 at 10:54AM by GruePineapple

What time did the man go to the dentist?

Tooth hurt-y.



Submitted October 27, 2015 at 11:06AM by Zamibe

A black man takes a girl home from a nightclub.

She says, "Show me it's true what they say about black men."

So he stabs her and steals her purse.



Submitted October 26, 2015 at 11:58PM by MeNoGivaRatzAzz

How is a meditating monk and a fiber-optic cable similar?

Total internal reflection.



Submitted October 27, 2015 at 06:05AM by Mokha343

Talking to a friend who's a dad when he says this

Me: I'm bored.

Him: It's better than being a plank I guess.



Submitted October 27, 2015 at 09:05AM by xXSFCShAdOwXx

I found a large collection of dad jokes and I copied the best ones. The first 10 are great but the last one is fucking gold.

01) great

02) great

03) great

04) great

05) great

06) great

07) great

08) great

09) great

10) great

11) fucking gold



Submitted October 27, 2015 at 09:38AM by MrMorlonelycat

Why don’t you ever see hippopotamus hiding in trees?

Because they’re really good at it.



Submitted October 27, 2015 at 07:47AM by Openitnow

What do Ethiopians and Yoko Ono have in common?

They are both living off of dead beatles.



Submitted October 27, 2015 at 04:57AM by DannyMeatlegs

Classmate just asked teacher to go to bathroom

So he said "can i" go to the bathroom

Teacher Dad: Addy, if you cant, you need to see a doctor.

(i couldnt help it)



Submitted October 27, 2015 at 08:38AM by McLovin_EmDawg

Dropped one on my friend this morning

me walking up stairs with friend to class

Friend: Dude, I am so hating these jeans right now.

Me: Don't hate your genes, your ancestors gave those to you.

cheesy grins cheesy giggles



Submitted October 27, 2015 at 08:11AM by McLovin_EmDawg

I was resting my feet on the dog

And my girlfriend said, "She looks defeated right now."

I said, "Nope" and took my feet off the dog, "Now she is."



Submitted October 27, 2015 at 08:00AM by kurashu89

Statisticians don't like cracking mean jokes...

..they always turn out to be average....



Submitted October 27, 2015 at 07:14AM by andrei178

How to fall down stairs

Step 1

Step 6

Step 7,8,9,11



Submitted October 27, 2015 at 02:05AM by 420majesticpanda

Robbie Sherrard in this video is the epitome of a dad joke



Submitted October 27, 2015 at 05:27AM by ABreakForTea

Me: Just going out but I'll be back.

Dad: I'll be Beethoven.



Submitted October 27, 2015 at 05:13AM by privlko

I've always stood up for black people.

It's not worth getting stabbed over a seat.



Submitted October 27, 2015 at 12:27AM by MeNoGivaRatzAzz

How many vegetarians does it take to eat a bacon cheeseburger?

One, if no one's looking.



Submitted October 27, 2015 at 02:06AM by Distantmind88

Monday, October 26, 2015

Today I gave my dead batteries away....

Free of charge!



Submitted October 27, 2015 at 01:39AM by Cups_of_tits

Why couldn't I make it to the doctors appointment?

Because I was sick.



Submitted October 27, 2015 at 12:50AM by sfst4i45fwe

Yesterday my girlfriend started to smoke...

So I slowed down and added some lube.



Submitted October 27, 2015 at 12:28AM by Kyle1337

Got my boyfriend while cooking dinner

Me; just go drink a soda Bf; I can't, I'm out of soda. Me; oh, that sounds soda-pressing

My whole appartment groaned. Worth it.



Submitted October 27, 2015 at 12:21AM by ThatsNoNameForAGirl

I asked a librarian for a book on Pavlov's dog and Schrödinger's cat.

She said it ringed a bell, but she wasn't sure if it was there or not.



Submitted October 26, 2015 at 11:09AM by trueBearsFan

Butt...

When you think about it, it does make scents



Submitted October 26, 2015 at 07:59PM by AmNotSatan

Tried to Select a Password

WEBSITE: Please enter your new password.
USER: cabbage
WEBSITE: Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters.
USER: boiled cabbage
WEBSITE: Sorry, the password must contain 1 numerical character.
USER: 1 boiled cabbage
WEBSITE: Sorry, the password cannot have blank spaces.
USER: 50fuckingboiledcabbages
WEBSITE: Sorry, the password must contain at least one upper case character.
USER: 50FUCKINGboiledcabbages
WEBSITE: Sorry, the password cannot use more than one consecutive upper case character.
USER: 50FuckingBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAss!
WEBSITE: Sorry, the password cannot contain punctuation
USER: 50FuckingBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAssIfYouDontGiveMeAccessNow
WEBSITE: That password is already in use.



Submitted October 26, 2015 at 03:10PM by loose_impediment

Dad joked my dad while eating carrots

"Hey dad did you hear they're paying me hourly to eat carrots now? "

"They are?"

"Well they're not giving me a celery."

He seemed proud and I seem old now



Submitted October 26, 2015 at 08:39PM by damnrumham

I used to work at a car dealership

But, then I got tired of it.



Submitted October 26, 2015 at 08:02PM by OmegaPiggi

The worst thing about having tourettes...

People are always expecting you to say something funny.



Submitted October 26, 2015 at 06:58PM by dvempy

A girl is pregnant and says to the boyfriend...

Woman :: "Honey! I'm pregnant!

Man :: "Nice to meet you pregnant, I'm Dad!"

Man :: "It's happening..."



Submitted October 26, 2015 at 07:51PM by OmegaPiggi

A physicist, an engineer, and a statistician

A physicist, an engineer, and a statistician go on a hunting trip, they are walking through the woods when they spot a deer in a clearing. The physicist calculates the distance of the target, the velocity and drop of the bullet, adjusts his rifle and fires, missing the deer 5 feet to the left. The engineer rolls his eyes. 'You forgot to account for wind. Give it here', he snatches the rifle, licks his finger and estimates the speed and direction of the wind and fires, missing the deer 5 feet to the right. Suddenly, the statistician claps his hands and yells "We got him!"



Submitted October 26, 2015 at 04:39PM by bigmeec

Why was the programmer's code incomprehensible?

No comment.



Submitted October 26, 2015 at 01:41PM by pithster

Clearing all the weights/workout things from the Nursery to prepare for the baby's arrival

Husband hands me the only thing that's mine (a small 8lb dumbbell) and says "it's really time you carried your own weight around here." I think he's ready for the baby to get here.



Submitted October 26, 2015 at 02:57PM by jennare

The king of france...[NSFW]

...The King of England and The King of Spain are having an argument over who has the biggest penis. Eventually they decide to let the people judge. They all stand on a stage in front of the people and drop their pants one by one.

The king of France drops his and the French crowd shout "viva la france!!"

The king of Spain drops his and the Spanish crowd shout "Viva la españa!!"

The king of England drops his, a long silence from the crowd, and then everybody shouts "God save the Queen!!!"



Submitted October 26, 2015 at 02:59PM by soljakid

How is a man like a snowstorm?

You never know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get, or how long it will last.



Submitted October 26, 2015 at 09:43AM by Babubahtd176

What's the difference between outlaws and in-laws?

Outlaws are wanted.



Submitted October 26, 2015 at 10:06AM by NeoHenderson

I killed fitty men!

Me: Stop running with that pencil! You can stab yourself.

Daughter: No I won't!

Me: I killed 50 men in the war with a pencil!

Daughter: You weren't in a war.

Me: It was a war of words.



Submitted October 26, 2015 at 03:15PM by Chas218

My poor knowledge about Greek mythology has always been my Achilles' elbow.

No text found

Submitted October 26, 2015 at 02:56PM by that_introverted_guy

Nick the Dragon slayer...

Once upon a time, and far, far away lived a beautiful Queen with voluptuous breasts. Nick the Dragon slayer knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them.

One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, who was the King's chief doctor. Horatio the Physician, exclaimed that he could arrange for Nick the Dragon Slayer to satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1, 000 gold coins to arrange it.

Without pause, Nick the Dragon Slayer readily agreed to the scheme. The next day, Horatio the Physician made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's brassiere while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense.

Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio the Physician informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick the Dragon Slayer would work as the antidote to cure the itch.

The King quickly summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer. Horatio the Physician then slipped Nick the Dragon Slayer the antidote for the itching powder, which he quickly put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's voluptuous and magnificent breasts.

The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick the Dragon Slayer left satisfied and touted as a hero. Upon returning to his chamber, Nick the Dragon Slayer found Horatio the Physician demanding his payment of thousand gold coins.

With his obsession now satisfied, Nick the Dragon Slayer couldn't have cared less and, knowing that Horatio the Physician could never report this matter to the King, with a laugh just told him to get lost. The next day, Horatio the Physician slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear. The King immediately summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer...

Continued......



Submitted October 26, 2015 at 11:40AM by _Saw