Wednesday, September 30, 2015

EVERYBODY WAKE UP I HAVE SOME BIG NEWS :)

September has ended



Submitted October 01, 2015 at 02:18AM by michaelharrison

What did the sea say to the other sea?

Nothing, they just waved



Submitted October 01, 2015 at 02:12AM by Echo4Sierra

Three old ladies are sitting on a park bench...

A man wearing a long raincoat approaches, opens it and flashes them.

Two of the ladies immediately have a stroke. The third couldn't reach.



Submitted September 30, 2015 at 09:09PM by jimbodeako

My computer sings

It is a Dell.



Submitted October 01, 2015 at 01:08AM by DadSavage13

What's the difference between a fish and a guitar?

You can't tune-a-fish



Submitted October 01, 2015 at 12:49AM by Jwosty

It was early morning at the military base...

... and the first sergeant was calling out names for the daily work parties listed on a piece of paper:

"Ames"

"Here!"

"Jenson"

"Here!"

"Jones"

"Here!"

"Magersky"

"Here!"

"Seeback"

No answer.

"Seeback!"

No answer was heard again.

"SEEBACK!!!" The troops remained totally silent.

At that point, someone whispered into the first sergeant's ear. He looked again at what the last name really said, quickly turned over the list and continued calling the names printed on the other side.



Submitted September 30, 2015 at 10:31PM by cuzziewuzzie

a stepfather walks in on his stepdaughter

a stepfather walks into his stepdaughter's room, as he walks in he sees his stepdaughter pleasuring herself with a cucumber, in disgust he leaves her room as fast as possible

he then says,"dammit I was gonna eat that!.................. now it will taste like cucumber"



Submitted September 30, 2015 at 06:09PM by shangumdee

Told Dad I had bought tickets to see Les Misérables...

"Is that the one about sad lesbians?"

...



Submitted September 30, 2015 at 11:12PM by onrv

I heard the Pope is going to take up archery.

He's quite a curate.



Submitted September 30, 2015 at 10:26PM by Gunnrhildr

While reaching for the seasonings at dinner, I ask my wife...

Isn't it weird that when you pepper someone with something it's considered assault?



Submitted September 30, 2015 at 10:31PM by vectorninja

A banker, a worker and an immigrant

An immigrant, a worker and a banker are sitting at the table with 10 cookies. The banker takes 9 and then tells the worker "watch out, the immigrant is going to steal your cookie".



Submitted September 30, 2015 at 09:02PM by Thescorpion459

My mother asking if I wanted to go to Kroger with her:

Her: "Ok want to run to Kruger with me"

Me: "Once you're Freddy"



Submitted September 30, 2015 at 09:32PM by porgull

I saw this and had to link it

He was scratching the bottom of the barrel with this one

http://ift.tt/1RgY4MS



Submitted September 30, 2015 at 09:37PM by invalid_character

Critics say Botox is too expensive...

...but I spoke to fifty people who just paid for the treatment, and none of them looked surprised.



Submitted September 30, 2015 at 04:43PM by Edkins

A lost rhinoceros wanders into a house and cannot find his way back out.

He panics and runs through a wall, destroying the kitchen. He's still inside the house so he breaks through another

wall, finding himself in the bathroom. He's frustrated that he still hasn't gotten out of the house and he tears through

a third wall. Still, he has not found his way out of the house. The rhinoceros then starts running towards another wall

but then stops, faces you, and says "you thought I'd break the fourth wall, didn't you?"



Submitted September 30, 2015 at 02:27PM by TheIdesofApril

Yo momma's privates are like Mars...

It took a team of scientists decades to find moisture on it.



Submitted September 30, 2015 at 11:50AM by DieselPoweredUnicycl

On the bus



Submitted September 30, 2015 at 07:27PM by andywuhoo

Dad just got me -.-

Texting my dad.

Me: "hey pop, want to have breakfast tmrw? I'm usually out of the gym by 930."

Dad: "sure thing, I'm usually out of the gym by 1977 ;)"



Submitted September 30, 2015 at 07:37PM by Dirk-Killington

Facebook Convo



Submitted September 30, 2015 at 07:12PM by carolinemayou

Why does Metallica prefer cous cous to rice?

Because its Moroccan



Submitted September 30, 2015 at 07:25PM by Dank_wank_bank_stank

Yo momma is so fat ...

She took a jump in the pool, they found water on Mars.



Submitted September 30, 2015 at 04:39PM by 9_Taurus

My Grandpa's favorite "dumb blonde" joke.

A blonde is on an airplane to Chicago and gets up from her seat in coach and goes into the first class cabin and sits down.

The flight attendant goes up to the blonde and politely tells her that she does not have a first class ticket and must go back to coach. The blonde refuses and says , "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I am going to Chicago, and I am staying right here."

After repeated attempts and no success at convincing the woman to move, the flight attendant goes into the cockpit and informs the pilot and co-pilot that there's a blonde bimbo sitting in first class who refuses to go back to her proper seat. The co-pilot goes back to the woman and explains why she needs to move, but once again the woman replies by saying, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Chicago and I'm staying right here."

The co-pilot returns to the cockpit and suggests that perhaps they should have the arrival gate call the police and have the woman arrested when they land. The pilot says, "you say she's blonde? I'll handle this. I'm married to a blonde. I speak blonde." He goes back to the woman and whispers quietly in her ear, and she says, "Oh, I'm sorry," then quickly moves back to her seat in coach.

The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and ask him what he said to get her to move back to economy without causing any fuss.

"I told her first class isn't going to Chicago."

edit: Consistency. Apparently, just typing out this joke gives you 'dumb blonde syndrome'.



Submitted September 30, 2015 at 02:38PM by jazdk4

Why was the deer was looking to diversify her investments?

Because she only had a couple of bucks and wanted to make a little doe.



Submitted September 30, 2015 at 05:19PM by skoomy

What does Bob the Builder call his work playlist?

A fix-tape



Submitted September 30, 2015 at 04:48PM by thewihlygeek

Whats the best part about dating a black girl?

You rarely have to meet their dad.



Submitted September 30, 2015 at 01:41PM by Sloan1505

What do you get if you insert human DNA into a goat

Banned from the petting zoo



Submitted September 30, 2015 at 02:03PM by Albuyeh

I hate it when people ask me where I'll be in 5 years time...

Come on guys, I don't have 2020 vision.



Submitted September 30, 2015 at 07:19AM by aviator_radiator

I think everyone here will enjoy this highlight of my day.



Submitted September 30, 2015 at 03:00PM by dudewhattttt

Did you hear about the yoga instructor turned serial killer?

Her murders were pre-meditated!



Submitted September 30, 2015 at 01:57PM by ItsProfOak

The first woman on the Moon contacted Houston.

"Houston, we have a problem."

"What is it?"

"Never mind."

"What's the problem?"

"It's nothing."

"Please tell us."

"I'm fine."



Submitted September 30, 2015 at 10:27AM by MISREADS_YOUR_POSTS

So I said to myself...

"Self..."



Submitted September 30, 2015 at 12:24PM by sightandsounds

What do you call a cow with two legs?

Lean beef



Submitted September 30, 2015 at 12:07PM by notcalfimplants

What do you call a canine with a PhD?

A dogtor



Submitted September 30, 2015 at 11:51AM by dudewhattttt

Took the kids to get their haircuts last night

2 year old tried to open the door to a vape store next to the kids' haircut place.

"Wrong door, bud. That head shop's not for you."



Submitted September 30, 2015 at 11:54AM by skermy

The Dalai Lama walks into a pizza shop...



Submitted September 30, 2015 at 02:43AM by Ce1ska

Why did the 10th Doctor never feel like he owned the Tardis?

Because he was just a tenant.



Submitted September 30, 2015 at 09:44AM by Got_walked_in_on

I had a job interview...

...the interviewer slid his laptop across the table and said "sell this to me."

I closed the screen, unplugged it, and left.

I ignored his calls for about three hours. When I did answer, he said "Where is my laptop?!"

"You wanna buy it?"



Submitted September 30, 2015 at 08:53AM by MississippiJoel

Monks had it all wrong

A new monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to help the other monks in copying the old texts by hand. He notices, however, that they are copying copies, and not the original books.

So, the new monk goes to the head monk to ask him about this. He points out that if there was an error in the first copy, that error would be continued in all of the other copies. The head monk says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son."

So, he goes down into the cellar with one of the copies to check it against the original. Hours later, nobody has seen him. So, one of the monks goes downstairs to look for him. He hears sobbing coming from the back of the cellar and finds the old monk leaning over one of the original books crying. He asks what's wrong.

"The word is celebrate, not celibate!," says the old monk with tears in his eyes.



Submitted September 30, 2015 at 07:39AM by captainbIackbeard

NSFW Nearly humped a ladyboy

In Thailand and man it was so close, she looked like a lady, walked like a lady, talked like a lady, kissed like a lady.. It was only when she drove me home and reversed perfectly into my drive 1st time, I thought to myself, "hang on a fuckin minute"!



Submitted September 30, 2015 at 06:45AM by Cuchullain99

So this guy is driving down the street and sees a woman with some big ol titties!

He says to himself, "I must have those in my mouth!"

He told his driver to pull over and he told her he would give her a hundred dollars to let him bite her nipples...

She replied, "what! You're gross get away"

He then said "I'll give you a thousand dollars to let Me bite your nipple!"

"I told you to get away creep!" She said

"Final offer, I'll give you a MILLION dollars to let me bite your nipple!" He yelled

After a second of deliberation.... She reluctantly accepts.

They go to back alley and she takes off her top. The man starts rubbing her titties & sucking her nipples.

"Well aren't you gonna bite my nipple?!?!" She shouts

"Naw that cost too much"



Submitted September 30, 2015 at 03:09AM by thebowermaster09

My friend told me he got his forklift licence

I said "gee you must have forked out a lot for that".



Submitted September 30, 2015 at 07:25AM by Tom555

What do you call a dog that does magic?

A labracadabrador



Submitted September 30, 2015 at 01:09AM by Beejybaby

A man gets "I love you" tattooed on his penis...

He goes home and tears his pants off, eager to show his girlfriend.

She looks at him and shakes her head saying "there you go again trying to put words in my mouth".



Submitted September 30, 2015 at 06:52AM by AlliedForces74

Tax time at the Synagogue...

The Internal Revenue sends their auditor to audit a synagogue. The auditor is doing all the checks, and then turns to the Rabbi and says, "I noticed that you buy a lot of candles." "Yes," answered the Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi, what do you do with the candle drippings?" he asked. "A good question," noted the Rabbi. "We actually save them up when we have enough, we send them back to the candle maker and every now and then, they send us a free box of candles." "Oh," replied the auditor somewhat disappointed that his question actually had a practical answer. So he thought he'd try another question, in his obnoxious way..."Rabbi, what about all these matzo purchases? What do you do with the crumbs from the matzo?" "Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi calmly, "we actually collect up the crumbs, we send them in a box back to the manufacturer and every now and then, they send a box of matzo balls." "Oh," replied the auditor, thinking hard how to fluster the Rabbi."Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the foreskins from the circumcisions?" "Yes, here too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins, and when we have enough we actually send them to the Internal Revenue." "Internal Revenue!," questioned the auditor in disbelief. "Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, "Internal Revenue. And about once a year, they send us a little prick like you."



Submitted September 30, 2015 at 03:33AM by blink_y79

Tuesday, September 29, 2015

Going to Italy

A young New York woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean, but just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young man stopped her. "You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we are off to Italy tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy.

"With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Italy, the woman accepted. That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the hold. From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches, a bottle of red wine, and make love to her until dawn.

Two weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection. "What are you doing here?" asked the captain.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food and I'm getting a free trip to Italy ."

"I see," the captain says. Her conscience got the best of her and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me."

"He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."



Submitted September 30, 2015 at 01:30AM by weaverl47

I have a piece of yarn hanging from one corner of my room to the other.

I think it really ties the room together.



Submitted September 30, 2015 at 01:57AM by P1eman

The prostitute was very glad at the end of her shift...

She loves getting off.



Submitted September 29, 2015 at 11:17PM by DavidCFalcon

Why do you always need to take 2 baptists on a fishing trip instead of one?

If you take one, he'll drink all of your beer, If you take 2 neither will drink a drop



Submitted September 29, 2015 at 08:14PM by bgbeastmode

Bob was in trouble...

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really pissed.

She told him, "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.



Submitted September 29, 2015 at 10:23PM by cuzziewuzzie

Did you hear about the two state police agencies both cracking down on unlicensed marijuana vendors?

I heard it was a joint operation.



Submitted September 29, 2015 at 11:44PM by WendicomeWendigo

Did you know that Haiti removed a letter from the alphabet?

Yeah, I guess they really HATE "E"



Submitted September 30, 2015 at 12:14AM by Infinitiparadox

The NSA isn't all that bad

It's the only part of the American government that listens to its citizens!



Submitted September 29, 2015 at 05:29PM by DoesntPostAThing

I hate eating dinner alone.

My boyfriend and I were having dinner and I told him, "You know what I hate doing the most? I hate having dinner alone".

"Well, you can watch Friends while you eat and then you can say 'I had dinner with friends.' "



Submitted September 29, 2015 at 07:38PM by thebluesky

My wife asked me to stop acting like a flamingo

I had to put my foot down.



Submitted September 29, 2015 at 03:04PM by boredcircuits

What does Batman put in his drinks?

Just ice



Submitted September 29, 2015 at 07:58PM by RhinestonesAndReptar

You know you’re getting old when Santa starts looking younger.

No text found

Submitted September 29, 2015 at 09:37PM by justnologo

What does December have that other months don’t have?

The letter D.



Submitted September 29, 2015 at 09:48PM by justnologo

Have you heard about corduroy pillows?

They're making headlines.



Submitted September 29, 2015 at 04:50PM by blackdog6

Did you hear about the guy who pick pocketed a midget?

How could he stoop so low?



Submitted September 29, 2015 at 07:06PM by horribletaste

Today I got a universal remote

'wow this changes everything'



Submitted September 29, 2015 at 08:24PM by wastedxp

How do you know a homeless woman is menstruating?

She's missing a sock.

(This joke brought to you courtesy the homeless guy outside my local 7-11.)



Submitted September 29, 2015 at 05:55PM by anything_please

Yo mama's so fat...

...she has to upgrade her data plan every time she sends a selfie.



Submitted September 29, 2015 at 03:26PM by aeiouicup

What is a pirate's favorite letter?

R?

No, it be the C.



Submitted September 29, 2015 at 02:59PM by BucDouble93

The quiet lawnmower

My Dad got me with this one the other day. We were sitting on the back porch when I saw my neighbor out mowing his lawn.

Me: wow, that lawnmower is really quiet!

Dad: Yea, he hasn't said a thing this whole time



Submitted September 29, 2015 at 01:39PM by Chrondo157

I bought a pair of shoes from a drug dealer today.

I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.



Submitted September 29, 2015 at 10:21AM by AnObsessedRedditor

Husband Wanted

A lonely widow, age 70, decided that it was time to get married again.

She put an ad in the local paper that read:

HUSBAND WANTED:

MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70s),

MUST NOT BEAT ME,

MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME,

MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!!!!!

ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.

On the second day, she heard the doorbell.

Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a grey-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair.

He had no arms or legs.

The old woman said, 'You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you ... you have no legs!

The old man smiled, 'Therefore, I cannot run around on you!'

She snorted. 'You don't have any arms either!'

Again, the old man smiled, 'Therefore, I can never beat you!'

She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, 'Are you still good in bed???'

The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said,

‘Rang the doorbell, didn't I?'



Submitted September 29, 2015 at 01:15PM by elgrunt0

Virgin trains has a Dad in their PR Department



Submitted September 29, 2015 at 01:37PM by theonefoster

Sometimes, when I think about books

I touch my shelf



Submitted September 29, 2015 at 09:49AM by LesComment

How does the man on the moon cut his hair?

Eclipse it!



Submitted September 29, 2015 at 11:37AM by fliplock89

I found this



Submitted September 29, 2015 at 11:18AM by ffngg

Computer trouble

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Joseph, the 14 year old next door whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, and asked him to come over.

Joseph clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.

As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?"

He replied, "It was an ID ten T error."

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, "An ID Ten T error?

What's that? In case I need to fix it again." Joseph grinned, "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?"

"No", I replied.

"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."

So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T

I used to like that little boy.



Submitted September 29, 2015 at 10:40AM by Jayk555

A worried elderly lady calls her husband on his cell phone...

"Please be careful," she tells him worriedly. "I heard on the news that there is a car going the wrong way on the highway."

To which he replies, "It's not just one car, it's all of them!"



Submitted September 29, 2015 at 09:02AM by Kraagenskul

So I work at a coffee shop in Manhattan

I'm the baker in the back so every now and then I go bother the barista.

Me: Hey can you make a drink for me? Her: Sure what did you want? Me: Two shots of espresso and some steamed milk. Her: A latte? Me: No just a little.



Submitted September 29, 2015 at 10:19AM by BrianKid

My girlfriend unknowingly dad joked me

We were watching TV when she said her back was sore and the conversation went like this:

Her: My back is bothering me a little.

Me: Do you want an aleve?

Her: I mean I guess if you don't want me to stay.....

I was confused for a second till I realized what she thought I said.



Submitted September 29, 2015 at 10:07AM by Hooks_And_Needles

A 2nd grade teacher decides to teach sex ed. to her class...

She starts out by drawing a penis on the chalk board and asks the class, "Does anyone know what this is?"

And little Johnny says, "Yes, my dad has 2 of them!"

And the teacher says, "Are you sure about that?"

And little Johnny says, "Yes, he uses a small skinny one to go to the bathroom, and a big long one to brush the babysitter's teeth."



Submitted September 29, 2015 at 09:34AM by Saltones

Worth it



Submitted September 29, 2015 at 09:03AM by jstrike31

Yo momma so fat, when she wants to take a bath...

She fills up the tub and THEN turns on the water.



Submitted September 29, 2015 at 08:27AM by embrex104

What's the difference between congress and a circus?

One is a Cunning array of Stunts...



Submitted September 29, 2015 at 08:06AM by Balegdehh

Imposter.

I'm.



Submitted September 29, 2015 at 09:17AM by drDOOM_is_in

Man is like spider...

..bound to have sticky fingers after being on the web



Submitted September 29, 2015 at 07:25AM by fetissimies

My dad holding some herbs against his hip...

"Look son, thyme is on my side!"



Submitted September 28, 2015 at 08:41PM by Draculas_teabag

What's the difference between mint and thyme?

Thyme is short.



Submitted September 29, 2015 at 08:03AM by BizWax

Hey dad, could I borrow 5 bucks to get this thing I want?

"Sure, buckbuckbuckbuckbuck"



Submitted September 28, 2015 at 08:49PM by fartcloud101

What one food is known to decrease sex drive in women more than any other?

Wedding cake.



Submitted September 28, 2015 at 09:39PM by ratadeacero

Asked my dad why he was using the lint roller on the rug...

He responded with, "Because that's how I roll"



Submitted September 29, 2015 at 02:15AM by tainted_memory

Monday, September 28, 2015

What do you call a nosy pepper?

Jalapeno business!!!



Submitted September 29, 2015 at 02:46AM by kdryan

Obama and a general are discussing how to attack ISIS

Obama: “We need to get boots on the ground to attack them. Send in soldiers, artillery, and trucks.”

General: “You are forgetting something important sir.“

Obama: “No I am not.”

General: “Tanks, Obama.”



Submitted September 28, 2015 at 10:01PM by ThePizar

Got my roommate twice tonight

We were eating at a Chinese food buffet. A fry stuck to his teriyaki chicken and I said "decided to have fried chicken huh?". Later when he opened a fortune cookie to find it empty I said "how unfortunate for you". He was disgusted with me. I was proud.



Submitted September 28, 2015 at 08:58PM by atheistRN

What is a four-letter word for 'wind instrument'?

Doing a crossword, I asked for a four letter word meaning 'wind instrument':

Mum: Oboe

Dad: Anus

Edit: improved formatting.



Submitted September 28, 2015 at 08:54PM by vinags

I told my girlfriend that brown rice was just white rice with a criminal record...

...she called me a riceist



Submitted September 28, 2015 at 08:02PM by pinned_down_and_fist

Hey, Mars, is your water running?

Then you'd better go catch it!



Submitted September 28, 2015 at 09:47PM by nrith

This stew is so good we should call it...

StewArt



Submitted September 28, 2015 at 07:30PM by PurpleCircusPeanuts

When parents announce their Euro-medditeranian travel plans

Mom- We're going to Rome, then we're going to Greece and we're going to Mount Olympus.

Me- Where are you roaming to? What are you greasing? And I don't think its safe to mount Olympus.



Submitted September 28, 2015 at 09:21PM by edragon20

What's the difference between Sesame Street and Leonardo DiCaprio?

Sesame Street has an Oscar.



Submitted September 28, 2015 at 04:37PM by ethannos

What do you get when you cross dinosaur DNA with Pig DNA?

Tyrana-ShortRibs Rex. It's a close relative of the VelSausage Raptor.

Basically all of them become Swine-o-saurs.

You can find them at Jurassic Pork.



Submitted September 28, 2015 at 07:53PM by NealSr

The American education system obviously listen to Pink Floyd.

They've left those kids a loan.

Made it myself so probably not that funny :/



Submitted September 28, 2015 at 06:31PM by pokeanand

My wife asked her father where he was going. His reply: Upstate New York for a sand paper convention...

... It is going to be rough. (Yes he actually is going, and it is a real thing)



Submitted September 28, 2015 at 07:06PM by Silspar24

Wife's Campaign

My wife has wasted years campaigning for tampon companies to make sanitary products suitable for the 'larger' lady.

I'm trying to convince her that it's time to just throw in the towel.



Submitted September 28, 2015 at 12:58PM by Wubble11

Unfortunately I lost my Korean friend the other day.

So Yung.



Submitted September 28, 2015 at 05:44PM by 911WasTSided

A young boy gets in trouble at school...

A young boy known for getting in trouble in school comes home late one day and his father asks him, "Why are you home so late from school?" "Mrs. Daniels made me stay after class because I got in trouble" "What did you do?" "We were going over multiplication and she asked me what 3 x 2 was, I answered 6. Then she asked me what 2 x 3 was" "Thats the same fucking thing!" yelled the father. "I know! That's what I told her!"



Submitted September 28, 2015 at 01:12PM by Webrosaurus_Rex

An egg, a piece of toast and a slice of bacon walk into a bar ...

... The bartender says "sorry, we don't serve breakfast in here".



Submitted September 28, 2015 at 04:09PM by winkelschleifer

A guy's brought into a psych ward for an evaluation.

Guy: Doc, I'm not crazy.

Doc: That's something crazy people say.

Guy: But...okay, so what if I say I am crazy?

Doc: I'd trust your judgment.

Guy: So what the hell do sane people say???

Doc: 'My insurance doesn't cover this.'



Submitted September 28, 2015 at 09:26AM by KubrickIsMyCopilot

Got my girlfriend with this today, her 13 year old sister just bought her first high heels.

Her: "she's too young for heels, like where's she going to wear them?" Me: "on her feet"



Submitted September 28, 2015 at 01:59PM by roryo

Which singer would be best suited for the roman military?

Britney Spears



Submitted September 28, 2015 at 10:39AM by apan145

What did the valley girl say when her pen ran out of ink?

I LITERALLY CAN'T EVEN WRITE NOW



Submitted September 28, 2015 at 11:31AM by jsally17

Dads Working Together Episode 2

It's been a while since my first post, but its hard to remember all the dad jokes that fly around our assembly line after working all night. Anyway, on to the joke:

The 3 usual dads on my line (Paul, Kevin, and myself) were talking when were approached by John carrying a step ladder. "This is my step ladder. I never new my real ladder." Then walked away as we all howled with laughter.

Hopefully post can be more frequent. I have considered writing this stuff down.



Submitted September 28, 2015 at 10:49AM by Kendred13

How does a train eat?

It goes chew chew



Submitted September 28, 2015 at 09:46AM by banditowl

The furniture seating is terrible.

Mom: Can we move the furniture around, these aren't very good seats for watching the game.

Our cat is laying down inside a box on the carpet.

Dad: Well, at least the cat has box seats.

The entire living room groaned.



Submitted September 28, 2015 at 11:15AM by GarinM

A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention..

so she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?" Johnny says, "None." The teacher asks, "Why?" Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off." The teacher says, "No, two, but I like how you're thinking."

Johnny asks the teacher, "If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married?"

The teacher says, "The one sucking her ice cream." Johnny says, "No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you're thinking!"



Submitted September 28, 2015 at 08:30AM by meanmachine10

I call my weed the Quran....

Because burning that shit will get you stoned.



Submitted September 28, 2015 at 11:03AM by SeizeForce

Trying to talk to my dad about the eclipse



Submitted September 28, 2015 at 11:16AM by insingo

Find out this one weird trick fishermen use.

Click bait.



Submitted September 28, 2015 at 06:39AM by Ocora

I was thinking of ways to become transgender... So I figured I'd fly to Paris.

Because then I'd be abroad.



Submitted September 28, 2015 at 09:54AM by lemurstep

There's a guy I work with who lost all his teeth and refuses to stop talking...

I asked him today "why don't you ever shut up?" He responded "I find it hard to bite my tongue"



Submitted September 28, 2015 at 08:28AM by Creepyroblowe

The farmer ordered a new bull

Three bulls were standing around the farm yard one day, talking about how the farmer had just bought a new bull.

The first bull, the biggest and strongest of the group, says "He's in for a surprise when he gets here. I'll be damned if he thinks he can take any of my 500 cows."

The second bull chimes in, "I know that's right. He's not touching any of my 250 cows."

The third bull, the youngest of the bunch, pipes up and says "I've only been here a year, I know I'm not as big and strong as you guys but I've earned my 10 cows and he's not getting a single one!"

About this time, a large truck pulling a trailer backs in to the ranch and begins to unload a 4,000 pound monster of a bull. He is so big that the steel ramp is bending with every step he takes.

The youngest bull begins huffing and grunting and scraping the ground with his foot. The oldest bull looks at him and says "Son, use your head. Give up a few cows and live to tell about it."

The youngest bull replies "Hell, he can have all of my cows, I'm just making sure he knows I'm a bull!"



Submitted September 28, 2015 at 06:51AM by sw0le_patr0l

What did the number 0 say to the number 8?

Nice belt.



Submitted September 28, 2015 at 08:39AM by alexandramilan

What is the best way to pick up American girls?

With a crane.



Submitted September 28, 2015 at 06:02AM by MyPhallicObject

My wife, who has been losing weight recently (and I'm proud of her) asked me "you know how I've been losing all this weight? I ran"

And I said "ya and Iraq and Syria too. Stress can definitely make you lose weight"

She wasn't impressed.



Submitted September 28, 2015 at 01:49AM by lol_camis

My friend was talking about her pet bird

that she had when she was a kid. It was very obedient and always stayed on her shoulder. Unfortunately one day it just flew away.

So I said, "I guess, you can say your relationship with your bird took off."



Submitted September 28, 2015 at 05:08AM by Cratoreat

Three blondes are sitting by the side of a river

...holding fishing poles with the lines in the water.

A Game Warden comes up behind them, taps them on the shoulder and says, "Excuse me, ladies, I'd like to see your fishing licenses."

"We don't have any," replied the first blonde.

"Well, if you're going to fish, you need fishing licenses." said the Game Warden.

"But officer," replied the second blonde, "we aren't fishing. We all have magnets at the end of our lines and we're collecting debris off the bottom of the river."

The Game Warden lifted up all the lines and, sure enough, there were horseshoe magnets tied on the end of each line.

"Well, I know of no law against it," said the Game Warden, "take all the debris you want," and with that, the Game Warden left.

As soon as the Game Warden was out of sight, the three blondes started laughing hysterically.

"What a dumb Fish Cop," the second blonde said to the other two, "doesn't he know that there are steelhead trout in this river?!"



Submitted September 27, 2015 at 08:56PM by cuzziewuzzie

The "People Against Fungi" society meeting last night was packed.

There wasn't mushroom.



Submitted September 28, 2015 at 02:56AM by LieutenantHuBBerD

This liquor store is haunted....

My coworker at a liquor store dropped this on our boss last night, credit to /u/TheCaliCashier. He isn't familiar with dadjokes so I had to bring it here for him.

TheCaliCashier: You know this store is haunted right?

Boss: Bullshit. I worked here twelve years and haven't seen anything.

TheCaliCashier: Well it is, but most the spirits are bottled.

Edit: Correcting punch line to actual delivery.



Submitted September 28, 2015 at 03:57AM by Jibbajabbawock

Sunday, September 27, 2015

As a father of two, he has taught me well.

Backstory: A small group of squirrels has been stealing our bird seed. We've tried a variety of methods to get them to stop, and my wife said "we need a bb gun." I had one when I was 12! "I bet my parents still have it," I said.

Me: Do you still have my old BB gun? Or a BB gun? or a pellet gun?

Mom: No, what r u doing?

Me: Killing squirrels.

Dad: Nuts, I wish I could help.

.....I cannot be upset because one day I will do this to my own children, like my father before me.



Submitted September 27, 2015 at 09:32PM by Wakeboarder1019

My wife is from Canada...

She has an "Eh"-type personality.

Source: am a dad, said this with her in the room



Submitted September 27, 2015 at 08:46PM by jermudgeon

Did you hear the joke about King Midas and King Oedipus?

It's pure, motherfucking gold.



Submitted September 27, 2015 at 09:13PM by wrethlig

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license

First, of course, he had to take an eyesight test.

The optician showed him a card with the letters: 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'

"Can you read this?" the optician asked.

"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."



Submitted September 27, 2015 at 09:57PM by cuzziewuzzie

Why were the treefrog's stories always so attention grabbing?

Because he was absolutely ribbeting!



Submitted September 27, 2015 at 09:32PM by KarockGrok

Two from my daughter

SAH Mom as she's standing up: My legs hurt. I don't know if they'll support me. Daughter: How could they support you? They don't even have a job.

I've started teaching the kids to play chess. Mom makes several lame mom jokes about being the "queen" in the game and in life. Later as Mom is watching us play:

Mom: Don't move there. The queen will get you. Daughter: Is that a threat?



Submitted September 27, 2015 at 08:49PM by streakrunner

A man was dining alone in a fancy restaurant

... and there was a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezed, and her glass eye came flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reached out, grabbed it out of the air, and handed it back.

'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman said, as she popped her eye back in place. 'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you.'

They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they went to the theater followed by drinks. They talked, they laughed, she shared her deepest dreams and he shared his. She listened to him with interest.

After paying for everything, she asked him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooked a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy was amazed. Everything had been so incredible!

'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?'

'No,' she replies. 'You just happened to catch my eye.'



Submitted September 27, 2015 at 08:33PM by cuzziewuzzie

What's the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?

One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!

x-post from /r/jokes



Submitted September 27, 2015 at 08:23PM by printf_hello_world

Rihanna was asked; "why do you think Chris Brown was denied a visa in Australia?"

She replied:

"Beats the hell outta me"



Submitted September 27, 2015 at 06:29PM by mobryers

A collection of my fathers best.

I was showing my dad some pictures from my trip to Europe. He saw a picture of a rock covered with moss and said, "I'm lichen that!"

For Christmas dinner we were having ham. The plate of carved ham was between my dad and I. Someone asked where the plate went. My dad says,"We're hoggin' it."

There was a store in my home town called carols cedar cellar. It was damaged in a flood and they knocked the building down exposing the basement. We drive by and my dad says,"Now you can cedar cellar."

I have so much to learn.



Submitted September 27, 2015 at 06:59PM by roostermathis

You should take care of your toilet

It has to deal with all of your shit



Submitted September 27, 2015 at 04:11PM by clssv

How do you get into Heaven?

When Tim was just a wee lad, he went regularly to Sunday School. One day, his teacher decided to test Tim to see if he understood the concept of getting to Heaven. She asked him, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, Would that get me into Heaven?"

"NO!" Tim answered.

"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?"

Again, the answer was, "NO!"

By now, the teacher was starting to smile. Hey, this was fun!

"Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into Heaven?"

Again, Tim answered, "NO!"

The Sunday School teacher was just bursting with pride for him.

Well, she continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?"

A very confident young Tim shouted out, "YOU GOTTA BE DEAD."



Submitted September 27, 2015 at 03:35PM by cuzziewuzzie

A classic from Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal [Comic]

This isn't my original work, but I think you of all people can best appreciate this.

http://ift.tt/1WrK7ia



Submitted September 27, 2015 at 04:34PM by Saxoman53

A girl tells her parents she's pregnant

A girl tells her parents she's pregnant. The Mom goes ape shit and says "you call that bastard over here right now!".

Later that evening a distinguished gentleman in his 40's arrives in a Lamborghini. He gets out of the car and approaches the girl's parents who are understandably furious.

Distinguished Gentleman: "Hi folks, your daughter has informed me of the news and I just want to tell you that although I cannot marry your daughter or remain in the child's life due to my current career situation I can promise you the child will be taken care of financially. If it's a girl, I will leave her a bank account with $200,000 in it and the ownership of several hair salons. If it's a boy i will leave him a bank account with $300,000 in it and ownership of a shopping plaza. If it's twins I will leave a joint bank account of $500,000 and ownership of multiple real estate apartments. However, if it's a miscarriage"-

-At that point the Father steps in and says "You'll fuck her again"



Submitted September 27, 2015 at 02:24PM by WhoreGod

"Bro, that last chick was hot but...

but I'm still horny as fuck. What can I get with $3? The Bothel Manager says: "Well, We can give you a Chimp."

Man takes the chimp into a room & gets down to business. Still unsatisfied, he goes back to the manager.

Man: "Hey man, the chimp was alright but I'm still horny as fuck. What can I get for a nickel?

Manager: "Well, we have a live peep show you can jack off too."

The man goes to a corridor where a bunch of dudes were looking thru peep holes. He looks into one and sees a beautiful woman fucking a dog.

Man: "Holy crap. This is insane!" Another guy next to him said: " No man, this is nothing. Just awhile ago, we saw this dude fucking a chimp!"



Submitted September 27, 2015 at 01:58PM by Sk8tr_Boi

-I don't know where Captain Phoebus is from.

-The Hunchback Of Notre Dame. Rings a bell?



Submitted September 27, 2015 at 04:34PM by eazuri

My wife told me her period had been going on several days longer than it usually does. I said...

Sounds more like an ellipsis.



Submitted September 27, 2015 at 04:24PM by PainMatrix

why do they put gates around a graveyard?

Because people are dying to get in



Submitted September 27, 2015 at 02:30PM by basejump007

What did one Lazy Hangman say to another?

No noose is good noose



Submitted September 27, 2015 at 03:43PM by Jackel1989

I was in the drive through with my dad in the passenger's seat next to me

The total came out to $20.76 so I get 21 dollars and a penny ready. Just before I pay, my dad looks over to me and says that I should get something that every good football team needs.
The cashier hands me a quarter back.



Submitted September 27, 2015 at 03:08PM by HowToCantaloupe

Who was the only novelist with both direction and magnitude?

Vector Hugo.



Submitted September 27, 2015 at 02:38PM by lux514

[Meta] Can we all agree that the late Yogi Berra was the father of the dad joke?

e.g. You better cut the pizza in four slices because I'm not hungry enough to eat six



Submitted September 27, 2015 at 01:42PM by Adamk0310

A man walks into a bar

and sees two pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling. He asks the bartender what the deal was about:

"Anyone who can jump up and slap the meat earns free drinks for the rest of the night", the bartender answered. "But, if you miss you pay everyone else's drinks for the next hour. Would you like to try?"

The man thought about it for a moment, and then answers:

"Nah, the stakes are too high."



Submitted September 27, 2015 at 11:28AM by Mr-Magnus

I remember my pops once saying 'son, wanking will make you blind.'

I said: 'dad, I'm over here'.



Submitted September 27, 2015 at 01:03PM by mcmalajunta

Why do you not have brakes?

Today as I was locking my bike to the bike rack, I saw another biker approaching the bike rack at a high speed. Instead of using his brakes to slow down he was using his shoes to slow down. It looked scary at first because it looked like he was going to crash into the rack. When he finally stopped, we had this exchange:

Me: "Do you not have brakes, or something?"

Him: "No, and I haven't used brakes in months now"

Me: "Why? Did they ... break?" followed by this gesture (☞゚ヮ゚)☞

He didn't even look at me and just walked away.



Submitted September 27, 2015 at 01:29PM by FrameWork0

When my mom told me to stop acting like a flamingo

I had to put my foot down.



Submitted September 27, 2015 at 11:31AM by Krabbypatty_thief

Homework

"Son, do you have homework?"

"Yes, it doesn't make any sense!"

"Your homework doesn't make any money? Why?"



Submitted September 27, 2015 at 11:44AM by _Decimation

Did you know that Spider-Man is bisexual?

Because he swings both ways.



Submitted September 27, 2015 at 11:40AM by NarnianTemp

The independent and autonomous Hungarian

(This is a Romanian joke, but I'll try to explain the context and translate it for you because I think is a great joke worth knowing

Context: In Romania there is a region called Transylvania, which represents 1/3 of the country that was under Hungarian occupation for about 50 years. Now it is a part of Romania, but there is a lot of Hungarian population living there that still dreams about being an independent country. Obviously this is a source for a lot of conflicts and jokes in our country, like the one below.)

----------------------------------------

There was this Hungarian guy and he was to be married with a Romanian girl and his father instructs the guy how to act with his young bride:

  • When you get in front of the door with your bride, lift her up in your arms so she can see the Hungarian is STRONG, then get in the room and throw her on the bed contemptuously so she can see the Hungarian is PROUD, then you get naked in front of her so she can see the Hungarian is HANDSOME and then you know what you have to do, right?

  • Right dad, says the young groom.

The next day they meet and the father asks the son about his wedding night. And he starts describing his night:

  • Well, I crossed her over the doorstep in my arms to show her that I am strong. Then I threw her on the bed contemptuously to show her I am proud, then I got naked to show her I am handsome and then I masturbated in front of her.

  • What the fuck??? Why would you do that? the father asks

  • To show her that the Hungarian is INDEPENDENT and AUTONOMOUS, of course ...

----------------------------------------

Also I am Romanian, and my new boyfriend is Hungarian, and after the first night of sex I just couldn't stop myself from saying this after the deed was done:

  • Not so INDEPENDENT and AUTONOMOUS now, are you?

(Sorry for the long joke, imagine there's a potato here)



Submitted September 27, 2015 at 04:36AM by breakeven_not

Whatever you do, always give 100%

Unless you're donating blood



Submitted September 27, 2015 at 08:04AM by Archada

What does the sun and cleavage have in common?

You can look at both for a second, but if want to stare you need to wear sunglasses.



Submitted September 27, 2015 at 07:20AM by BasedPolarBear

The whale jizz on my doorstep

5 years ago on this very night, I found a jar of whale jizz on my doorstep. It was beaten and injured, it needed my help. I nursed it back to health and raised it like my own son. Today it finally graduated from university and I was just so proud. It looked at me and said "Thank you, for everything." I looked back at it with a single tear rolling down my cheek "You're whale cum"



Submitted September 27, 2015 at 09:07AM by SemenDemonNiggerTits

School is like a boner..

It's long and hard unless you're Asian.



Submitted September 27, 2015 at 08:47AM by meanmachine10

Do you know why they stopped using the old-style tuna nets?

It defeats the porpoise. http://ift.tt/1GalBbV

(I'm a dad.)



Submitted September 27, 2015 at 09:51AM by jwilder204

What do you say when a bug occurs in Sims 3?

Sims legit.



Submitted September 27, 2015 at 09:03AM by asertym

What is the next logical move for the Federal Reserve?

To make cents!



Submitted September 27, 2015 at 08:57AM by calypsocasino

Someone told me flowers had sex organs...

....what a load of Poppycock!



Submitted September 27, 2015 at 08:02AM by MrLime11

Always borrow money from a pessimist.

He won’t expect it back. Oscar Wilde :-)



Submitted September 27, 2015 at 08:23AM by dipsytripsy

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way.

So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness. Emo Philips :-)



Submitted September 27, 2015 at 08:37AM by dipsytripsy

THE BIGGEST LIE

Two boys were arguing when the teacher entered the room.

The teacher says, “Why are you arguing?”

One boy answers, “We found a ten dollor bill and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie.”

“You should be ashamed of yourselves,” said the teacher, “When I was your age I didn’t even know what a lie was.”

The boys gave the ten dollars to the teacher.



Submitted September 27, 2015 at 06:52AM by Dani_Lad

Breaking News: A ship carrying red paint just collided with a ship carrying purple paint, in the South China Sea.

Authorities report that the crews of both ships are marooned



Submitted September 26, 2015 at 11:56PM by edfitz83

Saturday, September 26, 2015

My wife just told me to not make any jokes whilst she's actually giving birth.

I said I'd avoid any laboured puns.



Submitted September 27, 2015 at 01:54AM by Wonkemu

How do Muslim women get wrinkles off their faces?

Fabric softener.



Submitted September 27, 2015 at 01:24AM by AliKermaniReddit

My brother is an aspiring filmmaker...

Him: “I shot three movies today.”

Dad: “Oh really? Did any of them come out alive?”

Him: “What?”



Submitted September 26, 2015 at 10:36PM by EpicOaky

I'm pretty good at sleeping...

I could do it with my eyes closed.



Submitted September 26, 2015 at 11:47PM by bravesaint

I had a conversation with a Möbius strip...

It was one-sided.



Submitted September 27, 2015 at 12:09AM by ghostis

I saw on a Viagra bottle "Keep away from Children"

What kind of a man do they think I am?



Submitted September 26, 2015 at 10:22PM by EVOSexyBeast

Did you hear about the production delays at that company that makes scales using lengthy pipes?

They had really long weights.



Submitted September 26, 2015 at 11:38PM by ghostis

How do you pump up a room full of shy introverts?

"LETS GET READY TO MUMBLE!!!"



Submitted September 26, 2015 at 05:04PM by TheMightyHirou

Why do you only need one egg in France?

Because one egg is un oeuf.



Submitted September 26, 2015 at 08:42PM by GuySimile

Why was the necrophiliac depressed?

His rotten girlfriend split on him.



Submitted September 26, 2015 at 05:51PM by Engineer-Poet

Saw a baby wearing a fedora...

Told my fiancé I thought it was... fedorable. The groan was so bad, she hit me.



Submitted September 26, 2015 at 08:04PM by pkiff

A guy finally gets a date with an easy blonde...

To prepare for the date he sunbathes in the nude on his roof, falls asleep and burns his manhood. He doesn't want to cancel so he slathers it with lotion and wraps it in gauze. The blonde shows up at his house and he treats her to a home-cooked dinner. Afterwards they go to the living room to watch a movie. His manhood starts to bother him again so he excuses himself, goes into the kitchen, pours a glass of milk and immerses himself for immediate relief. The blonde, however, wanted to know what he was doing and walks in on him with his Johnson in the milk and exclaims,

"So that's how you guys load those things!"



Submitted September 26, 2015 at 05:56PM by enyxus

What's the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?

People in Dubai don't like the Flintstones but people in Abu Dhabi doooooo.



Submitted September 26, 2015 at 07:04PM by mddc52

How many black people does it take to start a riot?

-1



Submitted September 26, 2015 at 05:21PM by thoughtsandplots

Dad got me this evening with a classic.

Walking to the car and we both noticed the moon was unusually large, so I ask him "Is that a new moon?"

His reply without skipping a beat "No, I'm sure it's been there a while."



Submitted September 26, 2015 at 03:30PM by JBowers92

Why did ancient Egyptians shave their heads?

To be more pharaohdynamic.



Submitted September 26, 2015 at 01:41PM by spanieldaniel

How do you catch a unique rabbit?

Unique up on it!

How do you catch a tame rabbit?

Tame way, unique up on it!



Submitted September 26, 2015 at 10:54AM by VintagePain

What do you call a snooping salsa that spies on men?

peak-o de guy-o



Submitted September 26, 2015 at 01:09PM by hornwalker

My wife ran off with my best friend...

Boy, do I miss him.



Submitted September 26, 2015 at 10:36AM by jackiechon

Got my wife

Showed her this post.

Her - Why would they do that?

Me - Because it's cool.

Her - It looks messy.

Me - No, I don't think that's Barcelona.



Submitted September 26, 2015 at 02:00PM by hooligan26

What do you call a donkey with a PhD?

A smart ass.



Submitted September 26, 2015 at 12:55PM by SortOfABigDeal

Dad and Peter the Python

context: My dad and I have a baby python named peter, and he's been striking at the glass of the cage when you walk near him.  

  me: Peter is such an asshole, just went to check on him and he went to bite me.  

  dad: Well, I called the vet today about him being mean, turns out he has a reptile-dysfunction.  

  me: GROANS



Submitted September 26, 2015 at 11:55AM by ImTomRS

Friends were making fun of me and asked if my mom still puts my name on my socks..

"Yeah but I think she forgets my name sometimes, all of them say Hanes."



Submitted September 26, 2015 at 11:13AM by Pur13

Did you hear that they've been having trouble selling Beatles albums in some Scandinavian countries?

Apparently, when asked if they'd buy any of the renowned group's albums, a Finn wouldn't. But, a Norwegian would.



Submitted September 26, 2015 at 11:28AM by JudithLight

10 Ways to disguise Click Bait!

No text found

Submitted September 26, 2015 at 10:45AM by BlncSL8

Where does Wonder Woman buy all her stuff?

Amazon.



Submitted September 26, 2015 at 09:19AM by fabizer

How do you make holy water?

Boil the hell out of it!



Submitted September 26, 2015 at 10:04AM by eqian

I was walking through a cemetery,

and I saw a guy crouched behind a gravestone, so I said "morning", to which he replied "no just taking a shit".



Submitted September 26, 2015 at 07:20AM by RYANoceros92

Did you hear about the kid with ADHD who entered the weight lifting contest?

He won the hyper trophy.



Submitted September 26, 2015 at 10:14AM by smday55

Moses was the first person to use Control-C as a shortcut

No text found

Submitted September 26, 2015 at 09:52AM by T0xicBanana

My dad got me with this one over skype

Dad and I talking about an upcoming Italy trip over skype.

Dad: Yeah I would like to visit Florence as well

Me: oh, Florence is amazing, I loved it there!

Dad:did you see the machine?

Me: (confused) machine? what machine?..........oh for fucks sake.

Dad laughs, I facepalm



Submitted September 26, 2015 at 07:27AM by Himrion

I'm getting one of my tires fixed

Friend: "I'm getting one of my tires fixed"

Me: "Why? If you don't get it fixed, it might reproduce. Those things are expensive!"



Submitted September 26, 2015 at 08:13AM by pope4president

I was suffering from constipation the other day but I really didn't care

In fact, I didn't even give a shit.



Submitted September 26, 2015 at 08:27AM by mikeycashell

A man is in court

A man is in court. The Judges says,"on the 3rd August you are accused of killing your wife by beating her to death with a hammer, how do you plead?" "Guilty", said the man in the dock. At this point a man at the back of the court stood up and shouted "You dirty rat!" The Judge asked the man to site down and to refrain from making any noise. The Judge continued "... and that also on the 17th September you are accused of killing your son by beating him to death with a hammer, how do you plead"? "Guilty", said the man in the dock. Again the same man at the back stood up and shouted even louder, "You dirty rotten stinking rat"!! At this point the Judge called the man to the bench and said, "I have already asked you to be quiet, if you continue with these outbursts, I will have to charge you with contempt of court. I can understand your feelings, but what relationship have you to this man?" He replied "He is my next door neighbor". The Judge replied, "I can understand your feelings then, but you must refrain from any comments". The man replied "NO, your Honor, you don't understand. Twice I have asked if I could borrow a hammer, and BOTH TIMES he said he didn't have a hammer!!



Submitted September 26, 2015 at 03:55AM by theplatform

I got really hungry when we visited the Alpaca Farm,

next time Alpaca lunch.



Submitted September 26, 2015 at 06:53AM by jokedujour

Did you hear about the dyslexic atheist?

He kept himself up at night wondering if there really is a dog.



Submitted September 26, 2015 at 06:00AM by M1NGLISH

How do you make a hormone

Don't pay her.



Submitted September 26, 2015 at 06:07AM by freenarative

"This is your Captain speaking..."

"...if you look out of your window you will see a small yellow life raft floating in the sea. I am talking to you from there."



Submitted September 26, 2015 at 06:31AM by iamJack247

I was addicted to hokey pokey.

But I turned myself around.



Submitted September 26, 2015 at 04:33AM by MrNature72

Why is milk so fast?

Because it's pasteurized before you see it!



Submitted September 25, 2015 at 10:30PM by FyreNinja

What is a pirates favorite letter?

Most everyone you ask will respond R (Arrrr!)

To which you respond (in your best pirate voice) No, it be da C!



Submitted September 26, 2015 at 04:49AM by xer061587

A man goes to get a few things for his wife before their party

On his way back from the store a beautiful blonde woman starts flirting with him out of nowhere. Him and his wife haven't been getting along lately and he finds himself flirting back with her, suddenly hooking up with her and finally finding himself the next morning in her apartment naked, Desperate, he shakes her awake and yells "Where's baby powder do you have any baby powder?" She tells him where it is and he gets it, shakes some of it on his hands and runs as fast as he can back to his place. Once he's home his wife is standing there looking mad as all hell, so he explains, "Listen, baby, I'm so sorry I missed your party, I met this beautiful blonde girl and we fucked like rabbits all night long-" When she grabbed his hand and looks at him and says "Don't give me that shit! you've been out bowling all night haven't you?!"



Submitted September 26, 2015 at 01:31AM by guywithdice

Never thought I'd ever get to say it.

My grandma was showing me the pictures she had taken with her new camera. As she was scrolling through she was giving commentary. She mostly took pictures of her cats. In one of the pictures she had a calendar with a day planner lying on the floor, with one of her cats standing on them. Grandma says "that's my secretary". I go "Ah, that's your copy-cat". Lols were had. :)



Submitted September 26, 2015 at 02:40AM by ricequiver

Friday, September 25, 2015

Where do amputee's go out to eat?

IHop.



Submitted September 25, 2015 at 11:11PM by Tradehelp69

What does Spock say when he changes a fluorescent light bulb?

Live long and phosphor



Submitted September 26, 2015 at 01:35AM by Pookie_face

Why did the programmer quit his job?

Because he didn't get arrays



Submitted September 25, 2015 at 04:09PM by SuperFreakonomics

Did you hear about the ear of corn that joined the army?

He was a kernel.



Submitted September 25, 2015 at 11:42PM by nameisavailable

Why did the leper fail his driving test?

He left his foot on the clutch.



Submitted September 25, 2015 at 07:48PM by SuicidalGnome

What do the mafia and a vagina have in common?

One slip of the tongue and you're in deep shit.



Submitted September 25, 2015 at 06:08PM by kthxtyler

What did Descartes say while shopping online?

I think therefore I Amazon



Submitted September 25, 2015 at 10:58PM by thetallone7

Last night I drempt I was a muffler

I woke up exhausted



Submitted September 25, 2015 at 08:43PM by bigfoot13442

I bought my son a puppy...

I bought my son a puppy for his birthday but I accidentally ran him over as I was backing out my driveway. At least I still have the puppy



Submitted September 25, 2015 at 01:21PM by wesselver

Choose a major you love and you won't have to work for a day in your life

Because that major probably has no jobs

(not an original)



Submitted September 25, 2015 at 08:29PM by not_a_theorist

Listening to someone talking about their math teacher...

"He's really good but he goes off on too many tangents."

Me: "I think tangents are pretty important to calculus, you know?"



Submitted September 25, 2015 at 06:54PM by Toad_Rider

Got the wife at work today...

So I stopped in to see my wife at the office and part of her job entails billing and invoicing.

Wife: "Is this a statement?" (While looking at a piece of paper talking to her assistant.)

Me:"No that was a question."

She proceeded to throw a pen at me. And btw, this post pops my /r/dadjokes cherry :)



Submitted September 25, 2015 at 07:09PM by thewanderer90

Ordered Thai food tonight.

My mom was on the phone with the Thai place and my dad threw a dad joke.

Mom: "...and an order of Chicken Satay."

Thai place: "Will that be all?"

Mom: "Yes."

Thai place: "Can I get a name for your order?"

Mom: "It'll be under Barry."

Dad: "But it'll get all mushy!"

We collectively sighed after that.



Submitted September 25, 2015 at 07:22PM by CapCharlisimo

The United States ruined Hiroshima. Which American city did Japan ruin?

Detroit



Submitted September 25, 2015 at 05:38PM by theWet_Bandits

Thank you, student loans, for helping me get through college.

I don't think I can ever repay you.



Submitted September 25, 2015 at 04:06PM by BigTdotByrd