September has ended
Submitted October 01, 2015 at 02:18AM by michaelharrison
You can't tune-a-fish
... and the first sergeant was calling out names for the daily work parties listed on a piece of paper:
No answer was heard again.
"SEEBACK!!!" The troops remained totally silent.
At that point, someone whispered into the first sergeant's ear. He looked again at what the last name really said, quickly turned over the list and continued calling the names printed on the other side.
a stepfather walks into his stepdaughter's room, as he walks in he sees his stepdaughter pleasuring herself with a cucumber, in disgust he leaves her room as fast as possible
he then says,"dammit I was gonna eat that!.................. now it will taste like cucumber"
"Is that the one about sad lesbians?"
Isn't it weird that when you pepper someone with something it's considered assault?
An immigrant, a worker and a banker are sitting at the table with 10 cookies. The banker takes 9 and then tells the worker "watch out, the immigrant is going to steal your cookie".
Her: "Ok want to run to Kruger with me"
Me: "Once you're Freddy"
He panics and runs through a wall, destroying the kitchen. He's still inside the house so he breaks through another
wall, finding himself in the bathroom. He's frustrated that he still hasn't gotten out of the house and he tears through
a third wall. Still, he has not found his way out of the house. The rhinoceros then starts running towards another wall
but then stops, faces you, and says "you thought I'd break the fourth wall, didn't you?"
A blonde is on an airplane to Chicago and gets up from her seat in coach and goes into the first class cabin and sits down.
The flight attendant goes up to the blonde and politely tells her that she does not have a first class ticket and must go back to coach. The blonde refuses and says , "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I am going to Chicago, and I am staying right here."
After repeated attempts and no success at convincing the woman to move, the flight attendant goes into the cockpit and informs the pilot and co-pilot that there's a blonde bimbo sitting in first class who refuses to go back to her proper seat. The co-pilot goes back to the woman and explains why she needs to move, but once again the woman replies by saying, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Chicago and I'm staying right here."
The co-pilot returns to the cockpit and suggests that perhaps they should have the arrival gate call the police and have the woman arrested when they land. The pilot says, "you say she's blonde? I'll handle this. I'm married to a blonde. I speak blonde." He goes back to the woman and whispers quietly in her ear, and she says, "Oh, I'm sorry," then quickly moves back to her seat in coach.
The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and ask him what he said to get her to move back to economy without causing any fuss.
"I told her first class isn't going to Chicago."
edit: Consistency. Apparently, just typing out this joke gives you 'dumb blonde syndrome'.
Because she only had a couple of bucks and wanted to make a little doe.
Banned from the petting zoo
Come on guys, I don't have 2020 vision.
Her murders were pre-meditated!
Because he was just a tenant.
...the interviewer slid his laptop across the table and said "sell this to me."
I closed the screen, unplugged it, and left.
I ignored his calls for about three hours. When I did answer, he said "Where is my laptop?!"
"You wanna buy it?"
A new monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to help the other monks in copying the old texts by hand. He notices, however, that they are copying copies, and not the original books.
So, the new monk goes to the head monk to ask him about this. He points out that if there was an error in the first copy, that error would be continued in all of the other copies. The head monk says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son."
So, he goes down into the cellar with one of the copies to check it against the original. Hours later, nobody has seen him. So, one of the monks goes downstairs to look for him. He hears sobbing coming from the back of the cellar and finds the old monk leaning over one of the original books crying. He asks what's wrong.
"The word is celebrate, not celibate!," says the old monk with tears in his eyes.
In Thailand and man it was so close, she looked like a lady, walked like a lady, talked like a lady, kissed like a lady.. It was only when she drove me home and reversed perfectly into my drive 1st time, I thought to myself, "hang on a fuckin minute"!
He says to himself, "I must have those in my mouth!"
He told his driver to pull over and he told her he would give her a hundred dollars to let him bite her nipples...
She replied, "what! You're gross get away"
He then said "I'll give you a thousand dollars to let Me bite your nipple!"
"I told you to get away creep!" She said
"Final offer, I'll give you a MILLION dollars to let me bite your nipple!" He yelled
After a second of deliberation.... She reluctantly accepts.
They go to back alley and she takes off her top. The man starts rubbing her titties & sucking her nipples.
"Well aren't you gonna bite my nipple?!?!" She shouts
"Naw that cost too much"
He goes home and tears his pants off, eager to show his girlfriend.
She looks at him and shakes her head saying "there you go again trying to put words in my mouth".
The Internal Revenue sends their auditor to audit a synagogue. The auditor is doing all the checks, and then turns to the Rabbi and says, "I noticed that you buy a lot of candles." "Yes," answered the Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi, what do you do with the candle drippings?" he asked. "A good question," noted the Rabbi. "We actually save them up when we have enough, we send them back to the candle maker and every now and then, they send us a free box of candles." "Oh," replied the auditor somewhat disappointed that his question actually had a practical answer. So he thought he'd try another question, in his obnoxious way..."Rabbi, what about all these matzo purchases? What do you do with the crumbs from the matzo?" "Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi calmly, "we actually collect up the crumbs, we send them in a box back to the manufacturer and every now and then, they send a box of matzo balls." "Oh," replied the auditor, thinking hard how to fluster the Rabbi."Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the foreskins from the circumcisions?" "Yes, here too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins, and when we have enough we actually send them to the Internal Revenue." "Internal Revenue!," questioned the auditor in disbelief. "Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, "Internal Revenue. And about once a year, they send us a little prick like you."
A young New York woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean, but just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young man stopped her. "You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we are off to Italy tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy.
"With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Italy, the woman accepted. That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the hold. From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches, a bottle of red wine, and make love to her until dawn.
Two weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection. "What are you doing here?" asked the captain.
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food and I'm getting a free trip to Italy ."
"I see," the captain says. Her conscience got the best of her and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me."
"He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."
I think it really ties the room together.
She loves getting off.
If you take one, he'll drink all of your beer, If you take 2 neither will drink a drop
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really pissed.
She told him, "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !"
The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
I heard it was a joint operation.
Yeah, I guess they really HATE "E"
My boyfriend and I were having dinner and I told him, "You know what I hate doing the most? I hate having dinner alone".
"Well, you can watch Friends while you eat and then you can say 'I had dinner with friends.' "
The letter D.
How could he stoop so low?
My Dad got me with this one the other day. We were sitting on the back porch when I saw my neighbor out mowing his lawn.
Me: wow, that lawnmower is really quiet!
Dad: Yea, he hasn't said a thing this whole time
I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.
A lonely widow, age 70, decided that it was time to get married again.
She put an ad in the local paper that read:
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70s),
MUST NOT BEAT ME,
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME,
MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!!!!!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.
On the second day, she heard the doorbell.
Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a grey-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair.
He had no arms or legs.
The old woman said, 'You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you ... you have no legs!
The old man smiled, 'Therefore, I cannot run around on you!'
She snorted. 'You don't have any arms either!'
Again, the old man smiled, 'Therefore, I can never beat you!'
She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, 'Are you still good in bed???'
The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said,
‘Rang the doorbell, didn't I?'
I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Joseph, the 14 year old next door whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, and asked him to come over.
Joseph clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.
As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?"
He replied, "It was an ID ten T error."
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, "An ID Ten T error?
What's that? In case I need to fix it again." Joseph grinned, "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?"
"No", I replied.
"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."
So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T
I used to like that little boy.
"Please be careful," she tells him worriedly. "I heard on the news that there is a car going the wrong way on the highway."
To which he replies, "It's not just one car, it's all of them!"
I'm the baker in the back so every now and then I go bother the barista.
Me: Hey can you make a drink for me? Her: Sure what did you want? Me: Two shots of espresso and some steamed milk. Her: A latte? Me: No just a little.
We were watching TV when she said her back was sore and the conversation went like this:
Her: My back is bothering me a little.
Me: Do you want an aleve?
Her: I mean I guess if you don't want me to stay.....
I was confused for a second till I realized what she thought I said.
She starts out by drawing a penis on the chalk board and asks the class, "Does anyone know what this is?"
And little Johnny says, "Yes, my dad has 2 of them!"
And the teacher says, "Are you sure about that?"
And little Johnny says, "Yes, he uses a small skinny one to go to the bathroom, and a big long one to brush the babysitter's teeth."
One is a Cunning array of Stunts...
He responded with, "Because that's how I roll"
Obama: “We need to get boots on the ground to attack them. Send in soldiers, artillery, and trucks.”
General: “You are forgetting something important sir.“
Obama: “No I am not.”
General: “Tanks, Obama.”
We were eating at a Chinese food buffet. A fry stuck to his teriyaki chicken and I said "decided to have fried chicken huh?". Later when he opened a fortune cookie to find it empty I said "how unfortunate for you". He was disgusted with me. I was proud.
...she called me a riceist
Mom- We're going to Rome, then we're going to Greece and we're going to Mount Olympus.
Me- Where are you roaming to? What are you greasing? And I don't think its safe to mount Olympus.
Sesame Street has an Oscar.
Tyrana-ShortRibs Rex. It's a close relative of the VelSausage Raptor.
Basically all of them become Swine-o-saurs.
You can find them at Jurassic Pork.
They've left those kids a loan.
Made it myself so probably not that funny :/
... It is going to be rough. (Yes he actually is going, and it is a real thing)
My wife has wasted years campaigning for tampon companies to make sanitary products suitable for the 'larger' lady.
I'm trying to convince her that it's time to just throw in the towel.
A young boy known for getting in trouble in school comes home late one day and his father asks him, "Why are you home so late from school?" "Mrs. Daniels made me stay after class because I got in trouble" "What did you do?" "We were going over multiplication and she asked me what 3 x 2 was, I answered 6. Then she asked me what 2 x 3 was" "Thats the same fucking thing!" yelled the father. "I know! That's what I told her!"
... The bartender says "sorry, we don't serve breakfast in here".
Guy: Doc, I'm not crazy.
Doc: That's something crazy people say.
Guy: But...okay, so what if I say I am crazy?
Doc: I'd trust your judgment.
Guy: So what the hell do sane people say???
Doc: 'My insurance doesn't cover this.'
Her: "she's too young for heels, like where's she going to wear them?" Me: "on her feet"
I LITERALLY CAN'T EVEN WRITE NOW
It's been a while since my first post, but its hard to remember all the dad jokes that fly around our assembly line after working all night. Anyway, on to the joke:
The 3 usual dads on my line (Paul, Kevin, and myself) were talking when were approached by John carrying a step ladder. "This is my step ladder. I never new my real ladder." Then walked away as we all howled with laughter.
Hopefully post can be more frequent. I have considered writing this stuff down.
Mom: Can we move the furniture around, these aren't very good seats for watching the game.
Our cat is laying down inside a box on the carpet.
Dad: Well, at least the cat has box seats.
The entire living room groaned.
so she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?" Johnny says, "None." The teacher asks, "Why?" Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off." The teacher says, "No, two, but I like how you're thinking."
Johnny asks the teacher, "If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married?"
The teacher says, "The one sucking her ice cream." Johnny says, "No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you're thinking!"
Because then I'd be abroad.
I asked him today "why don't you ever shut up?" He responded "I find it hard to bite my tongue"
Three bulls were standing around the farm yard one day, talking about how the farmer had just bought a new bull.
The first bull, the biggest and strongest of the group, says "He's in for a surprise when he gets here. I'll be damned if he thinks he can take any of my 500 cows."
The second bull chimes in, "I know that's right. He's not touching any of my 250 cows."
The third bull, the youngest of the bunch, pipes up and says "I've only been here a year, I know I'm not as big and strong as you guys but I've earned my 10 cows and he's not getting a single one!"
About this time, a large truck pulling a trailer backs in to the ranch and begins to unload a 4,000 pound monster of a bull. He is so big that the steel ramp is bending with every step he takes.
The youngest bull begins huffing and grunting and scraping the ground with his foot. The oldest bull looks at him and says "Son, use your head. Give up a few cows and live to tell about it."
The youngest bull replies "Hell, he can have all of my cows, I'm just making sure he knows I'm a bull!"
And I said "ya and Iraq and Syria too. Stress can definitely make you lose weight"
She wasn't impressed.
that she had when she was a kid. It was very obedient and always stayed on her shoulder. Unfortunately one day it just flew away.
So I said, "I guess, you can say your relationship with your bird took off."
...holding fishing poles with the lines in the water.
A Game Warden comes up behind them, taps them on the shoulder and says, "Excuse me, ladies, I'd like to see your fishing licenses."
"We don't have any," replied the first blonde.
"Well, if you're going to fish, you need fishing licenses." said the Game Warden.
"But officer," replied the second blonde, "we aren't fishing. We all have magnets at the end of our lines and we're collecting debris off the bottom of the river."
The Game Warden lifted up all the lines and, sure enough, there were horseshoe magnets tied on the end of each line.
"Well, I know of no law against it," said the Game Warden, "take all the debris you want," and with that, the Game Warden left.
As soon as the Game Warden was out of sight, the three blondes started laughing hysterically.
"What a dumb Fish Cop," the second blonde said to the other two, "doesn't he know that there are steelhead trout in this river?!"
There wasn't mushroom.
My coworker at a liquor store dropped this on our boss last night, credit to /u/TheCaliCashier. He isn't familiar with dadjokes so I had to bring it here for him.
TheCaliCashier: You know this store is haunted right?
Boss: Bullshit. I worked here twelve years and haven't seen anything.
TheCaliCashier: Well it is, but most the spirits are bottled.
Edit: Correcting punch line to actual delivery.
Backstory: A small group of squirrels has been stealing our bird seed. We've tried a variety of methods to get them to stop, and my wife said "we need a bb gun." I had one when I was 12! "I bet my parents still have it," I said.
Me: Do you still have my old BB gun? Or a BB gun? or a pellet gun?
Mom: No, what r u doing?
Me: Killing squirrels.
Dad: Nuts, I wish I could help.
.....I cannot be upset because one day I will do this to my own children, like my father before me.
It's pure, motherfucking gold.
First, of course, he had to take an eyesight test.
The optician showed him a card with the letters: 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'
"Can you read this?" the optician asked.
"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."
Because he was absolutely ribbeting!
SAH Mom as she's standing up: My legs hurt. I don't know if they'll support me. Daughter: How could they support you? They don't even have a job.
I've started teaching the kids to play chess. Mom makes several lame mom jokes about being the "queen" in the game and in life. Later as Mom is watching us play:
Mom: Don't move there. The queen will get you. Daughter: Is that a threat?
... and there was a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her.
Suddenly she sneezed, and her glass eye came flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reached out, grabbed it out of the air, and handed it back.
'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman said, as she popped her eye back in place. 'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you.'
They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they went to the theater followed by drinks. They talked, they laughed, she shared her deepest dreams and he shared his. She listened to him with interest.
After paying for everything, she asked him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.
The next morning, she cooked a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy was amazed. Everything had been so incredible!
'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?'
'No,' she replies. 'You just happened to catch my eye.'
"Beats the hell outta me"
I was showing my dad some pictures from my trip to Europe. He saw a picture of a rock covered with moss and said, "I'm lichen that!"
For Christmas dinner we were having ham. The plate of carved ham was between my dad and I. Someone asked where the plate went. My dad says,"We're hoggin' it."
There was a store in my home town called carols cedar cellar. It was damaged in a flood and they knocked the building down exposing the basement. We drive by and my dad says,"Now you can cedar cellar."
I have so much to learn.
When Tim was just a wee lad, he went regularly to Sunday School. One day, his teacher decided to test Tim to see if he understood the concept of getting to Heaven. She asked him, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, Would that get me into Heaven?"
"NO!" Tim answered.
"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?"
Again, the answer was, "NO!"
By now, the teacher was starting to smile. Hey, this was fun!
"Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into Heaven?"
Again, Tim answered, "NO!"
The Sunday School teacher was just bursting with pride for him.
Well, she continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?"
A very confident young Tim shouted out, "YOU GOTTA BE DEAD."
This isn't my original work, but I think you of all people can best appreciate this.
A girl tells her parents she's pregnant. The Mom goes ape shit and says "you call that bastard over here right now!".
Later that evening a distinguished gentleman in his 40's arrives in a Lamborghini. He gets out of the car and approaches the girl's parents who are understandably furious.
Distinguished Gentleman: "Hi folks, your daughter has informed me of the news and I just want to tell you that although I cannot marry your daughter or remain in the child's life due to my current career situation I can promise you the child will be taken care of financially. If it's a girl, I will leave her a bank account with $200,000 in it and the ownership of several hair salons. If it's a boy i will leave him a bank account with $300,000 in it and ownership of a shopping plaza. If it's twins I will leave a joint bank account of $500,000 and ownership of multiple real estate apartments. However, if it's a miscarriage"-
-At that point the Father steps in and says "You'll fuck her again"
but I'm still horny as fuck. What can I get with $3? The Bothel Manager says: "Well, We can give you a Chimp."
Man takes the chimp into a room & gets down to business. Still unsatisfied, he goes back to the manager.
Man: "Hey man, the chimp was alright but I'm still horny as fuck. What can I get for a nickel?
Manager: "Well, we have a live peep show you can jack off too."
The man goes to a corridor where a bunch of dudes were looking thru peep holes. He looks into one and sees a beautiful woman fucking a dog.
Man: "Holy crap. This is insane!" Another guy next to him said: " No man, this is nothing. Just awhile ago, we saw this dude fucking a chimp!"
Sounds more like an ellipsis.
The total came out to $20.76 so I get 21 dollars and a penny ready. Just before I pay, my dad looks over to me and says that I should get something that every good football team needs.
The cashier hands me a quarter back.
e.g. You better cut the pizza in four slices because I'm not hungry enough to eat six
and sees two pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling. He asks the bartender what the deal was about:
"Anyone who can jump up and slap the meat earns free drinks for the rest of the night", the bartender answered. "But, if you miss you pay everyone else's drinks for the next hour. Would you like to try?"
The man thought about it for a moment, and then answers:
"Nah, the stakes are too high."
I said: 'dad, I'm over here'.
Today as I was locking my bike to the bike rack, I saw another biker approaching the bike rack at a high speed. Instead of using his brakes to slow down he was using his shoes to slow down. It looked scary at first because it looked like he was going to crash into the rack. When he finally stopped, we had this exchange:
Me: "Do you not have brakes, or something?"
Him: "No, and I haven't used brakes in months now"
Me: "Why? Did they ... break?" followed by this gesture (☞ﾟヮﾟ)☞
He didn't even look at me and just walked away.
I had to put my foot down.
(This is a Romanian joke, but I'll try to explain the context and translate it for you because I think is a great joke worth knowing
Context: In Romania there is a region called Transylvania, which represents 1/3 of the country that was under Hungarian occupation for about 50 years. Now it is a part of Romania, but there is a lot of Hungarian population living there that still dreams about being an independent country. Obviously this is a source for a lot of conflicts and jokes in our country, like the one below.)
There was this Hungarian guy and he was to be married with a Romanian girl and his father instructs the guy how to act with his young bride:
When you get in front of the door with your bride, lift her up in your arms so she can see the Hungarian is STRONG, then get in the room and throw her on the bed contemptuously so she can see the Hungarian is PROUD, then you get naked in front of her so she can see the Hungarian is HANDSOME and then you know what you have to do, right?
Right dad, says the young groom.
The next day they meet and the father asks the son about his wedding night. And he starts describing his night:
Well, I crossed her over the doorstep in my arms to show her that I am strong. Then I threw her on the bed contemptuously to show her I am proud, then I got naked to show her I am handsome and then I masturbated in front of her.
What the fuck??? Why would you do that? the father asks
To show her that the Hungarian is INDEPENDENT and AUTONOMOUS, of course ...
Also I am Romanian, and my new boyfriend is Hungarian, and after the first night of sex I just couldn't stop myself from saying this after the deed was done:
(Sorry for the long joke, imagine there's a potato here)
5 years ago on this very night, I found a jar of whale jizz on my doorstep. It was beaten and injured, it needed my help. I nursed it back to health and raised it like my own son. Today it finally graduated from university and I was just so proud. It looked at me and said "Thank you, for everything." I looked back at it with a single tear rolling down my cheek "You're whale cum"
It defeats the porpoise. http://ift.tt/1GalBbV
(I'm a dad.)
To make cents!
So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness. Emo Philips :-)
Two boys were arguing when the teacher entered the room.
The teacher says, “Why are you arguing?”
One boy answers, “We found a ten dollor bill and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie.”
“You should be ashamed of yourselves,” said the teacher, “When I was your age I didn’t even know what a lie was.”
The boys gave the ten dollars to the teacher.
Authorities report that the crews of both ships are marooned
I said I'd avoid any laboured puns.
What kind of a man do they think I am?
They had really long weights.
To prepare for the date he sunbathes in the nude on his roof, falls asleep and burns his manhood. He doesn't want to cancel so he slathers it with lotion and wraps it in gauze. The blonde shows up at his house and he treats her to a home-cooked dinner. Afterwards they go to the living room to watch a movie. His manhood starts to bother him again so he excuses himself, goes into the kitchen, pours a glass of milk and immerses himself for immediate relief. The blonde, however, wanted to know what he was doing and walks in on him with his Johnson in the milk and exclaims,
"So that's how you guys load those things!"
People in Dubai don't like the Flintstones but people in Abu Dhabi doooooo.
Walking to the car and we both noticed the moon was unusually large, so I ask him "Is that a new moon?"
His reply without skipping a beat "No, I'm sure it's been there a while."
peak-o de guy-o
context: My dad and I have a baby python named peter, and he's been striking at the glass of the cage when you walk near him.
me: Peter is such an asshole, just went to check on him and he went to bite me.
dad: Well, I called the vet today about him being mean, turns out he has a reptile-dysfunction.
"Yeah but I think she forgets my name sometimes, all of them say Hanes."
Apparently, when asked if they'd buy any of the renowned group's albums, a Finn wouldn't. But, a Norwegian would.
He won the hyper trophy.
Dad and I talking about an upcoming Italy trip over skype.
Dad: Yeah I would like to visit Florence as well
Me: oh, Florence is amazing, I loved it there!
Dad:did you see the machine?
Me: (confused) machine? what machine?..........oh for fucks sake.
Dad laughs, I facepalm
In fact, I didn't even give a shit.
A man is in court. The Judges says,"on the 3rd August you are accused of killing your wife by beating her to death with a hammer, how do you plead?" "Guilty", said the man in the dock. At this point a man at the back of the court stood up and shouted "You dirty rat!" The Judge asked the man to site down and to refrain from making any noise. The Judge continued "... and that also on the 17th September you are accused of killing your son by beating him to death with a hammer, how do you plead"? "Guilty", said the man in the dock. Again the same man at the back stood up and shouted even louder, "You dirty rotten stinking rat"!! At this point the Judge called the man to the bench and said, "I have already asked you to be quiet, if you continue with these outbursts, I will have to charge you with contempt of court. I can understand your feelings, but what relationship have you to this man?" He replied "He is my next door neighbor". The Judge replied, "I can understand your feelings then, but you must refrain from any comments". The man replied "NO, your Honor, you don't understand. Twice I have asked if I could borrow a hammer, and BOTH TIMES he said he didn't have a hammer!!
next time Alpaca lunch.
On his way back from the store a beautiful blonde woman starts flirting with him out of nowhere. Him and his wife haven't been getting along lately and he finds himself flirting back with her, suddenly hooking up with her and finally finding himself the next morning in her apartment naked, Desperate, he shakes her awake and yells "Where's baby powder do you have any baby powder?" She tells him where it is and he gets it, shakes some of it on his hands and runs as fast as he can back to his place. Once he's home his wife is standing there looking mad as all hell, so he explains, "Listen, baby, I'm so sorry I missed your party, I met this beautiful blonde girl and we fucked like rabbits all night long-" When she grabbed his hand and looks at him and says "Don't give me that shit! you've been out bowling all night haven't you?!"
My grandma was showing me the pictures she had taken with her new camera. As she was scrolling through she was giving commentary. She mostly took pictures of her cats. In one of the pictures she had a calendar with a day planner lying on the floor, with one of her cats standing on them. Grandma says "that's my secretary". I go "Ah, that's your copy-cat". Lols were had. :)
Live long and phosphor
He was a kernel.
Because that major probably has no jobs
(not an original)
"He's really good but he goes off on too many tangents."
Me: "I think tangents are pretty important to calculus, you know?"
So I stopped in to see my wife at the office and part of her job entails billing and invoicing.
Wife: "Is this a statement?" (While looking at a piece of paper talking to her assistant.)
Me:"No that was a question."
She proceeded to throw a pen at me. And btw, this post pops my /r/dadjokes cherry :)
My mom was on the phone with the Thai place and my dad threw a dad joke.
Mom: "...and an order of Chicken Satay."
Thai place: "Will that be all?"
Thai place: "Can I get a name for your order?"
Mom: "It'll be under Barry."
Dad: "But it'll get all mushy!"
We collectively sighed after that.
I don't think I can ever repay you.