Monday, August 31, 2015

Went to Disney World with my girlfriend

We saw a parade that had Peter Pan with a float of Big Ben, and it was moving pretty quick for a parade float.

I turn to my girlfriend and say: "looks like that clocks running a little fast."

I'm not a Dad yet, but I feel like I'll be good at it.



Submitted September 01, 2015 at 01:23AM by warchiello

A boy and his grandpa are sitting on the porch...

Grandpa is sipping on a glass of whiskey when the boy asks him for a drink.

Grandpa asks, "Can you touch your dick to your asshole, boy?"

"No.", the boy replies. "Then no, you can't have any"

A few minutes later the boy comes back out and grandpa is smoking a cigar.

"Can I have a puff of your cigar, grandpa?"

Grandpa asks again, "Can you touch your dick to your asshole, boy?"

"I already told you I can't, grandpa", the boy replies and goes back in the house.

A few minutes later the boy comes back with a plate of cookies.

"Gimme one of them cookies, boy", grandpa demands.

"Can you touch your dick to your asshole, grandpa?"

"Well, as a matter of fact I can, boy."

"Good. Then go fuck yourself. Grandma made these for me."



Submitted August 31, 2015 at 10:44PM by cemeadors

My ex wife died so I went to the cemetery and to honor her, I poured a fine, 12 year old bottle of scotch on her grave.

But first I filtered it through my kidneys.



Submitted September 01, 2015 at 12:43AM by TomTheNurse

I asked my professor how long my paper should be. He said it should be like a woman's skirt...

Long enough to cover the subject but short enough to be interesting.



Submitted August 31, 2015 at 11:48PM by Anacondoleezza

Was having anal sex with my bf earlier

...and ended up being late to class. When I arrived the professor asked why I was late and I promptly responded, "sorry I got rear ended"



Submitted August 31, 2015 at 07:55PM by jayzdubz

My dad used to have me convinced he could stop the rain by snapping his fingers it was not until I was a little older that I realized

He would snap his fingers when we went under over passes.... Thought this belonged here.



Submitted August 31, 2015 at 10:28PM by Kogo_Shuko

Two Italian men get on a train...

They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following: "Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time." "You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!" "Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."



Submitted August 31, 2015 at 09:18PM by bouncy_bunnies

What walks on eight legs until the age of one, four legs until the age of twenty, and two legs after?

The Weasley twins



Submitted August 31, 2015 at 10:18PM by holy_halo_man

How much sperm does a gay man have?

A buttload.



Submitted August 31, 2015 at 03:01PM by xinickx

A friend of mine works at a butcher shop. Here are some of the signs he's made for the store. (x-post /r/meat)

Album here: http://ift.tt/1fSH6XE



Submitted August 31, 2015 at 10:20PM by sup3rmark

With just a small re-ordering in the letters, the joke could have become:

"Denial ain't just a river in Egypt.... It's also a mountain in Alaska".



Submitted August 31, 2015 at 06:04PM by prufessor

The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent...

The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent but had not phoned in sick one day. Needing to have an urgent problem with one of the main computers resolved, he dialled the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper. ' Hello ? '

'Is your daddy home?' he asked.

'Yes,' whispered the small voice. 'May I talk with him?'

The child whispered, 'No.' Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, 'Is your Mummy there?' 'Yes' 'May I talk with her?' Again the small voice whispered, 'No'

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, 'Is anybody else there?'

'Yes,' whispered the child, 'a policeman.'

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, 'May I speak with the policeman?'

'No, he's busy,' whispered the child.

'Busy doing what?'

'Talking to Daddy and Mummy and the Fireman,' came the whispered answer.

Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, 'What is that noise?'

'A helicopter,' answered the whispering voice.

'What is going on there?' demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive. Again, whispering, the child answered,

'The search team just landed a helicopter.'

Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, 'What are they searching for?'

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle...

'ME.'



Submitted August 31, 2015 at 04:27PM by etpooms

Helping dad find a new smartphone

Dad: "Will there be any German names and numbers on it?

Me: " What? It's Chinese... "

Dad: "I want it to be Hans Free"



Submitted August 31, 2015 at 08:00PM by Acerius

Meeting my dad's expectations

I was unloading the dishwasher in the kitchen when my dad came in off the back deck. I felt a tap, heard a small crash, and turned around to see my dad holding a collapsed measuring tape from across the room.

He said, "Congratulations, Beth. You measure up.", reeled the tape in, and walked off.



Submitted August 31, 2015 at 06:43PM by AweBeth

The farmer's only cow dies

He doesn't know what to do anymore, so he hangs himself.

The wife comes home, sees that her husband and the cow are both dead, so she hangs herself too.

The eldest son comes home and sees the bloodbath. He goes to the forest to die. At the edge of the woods, he meets a fairy who says:

"If you fuck me real good and cum inside me five times, I'll bring everyone back to life."

The dude agrees, but after the third time he dies.

The middle son sees what happened at the house too, so he also goes to the forest to die. The fairy appears again and says:

"If you fuck me real good and cum inside me fifteen times, I'll bring everyone back to life."

The guy agrees but after the tenth time, he dies.

Finally, the youngest son comes home too. He sees what happened and runs to the forest to die. He meets the fairy who says:

"If you fuck me real good and cum inside me twenty-five times, I'll bring everyone back to life."

"Could we make that an even thirty?" asks the dude.

"Sure."

"Or maybe even forty?"

"Certainly."

"And can you take it?"

"Of course!"

"That poor cow said the same thing..."



Submitted August 31, 2015 at 11:49AM by Zsolty0497

Why was Pierre so sad that his hands were wet?

He was feeling l'eau.



Submitted August 31, 2015 at 03:54PM by Nibbers

The new iPhone won't be a failure...

...it will be a huge 6S

(x-post /r/apple)



Submitted August 31, 2015 at 03:08PM by itsDANdeeMAN

A couple's young son...

...accidentally sees his father having fun with the maid. He runs to his mother and tells her what he saw. The mother gets extremely angry, but decides to have a little fun of her own and instructs her son not to tell anything until she says so.

A few days later it's the grandma's birthday, the whole family gathers from all over the country, there's at least fifty people. The party is going just fine when the mother stands up and says:

"I'd like some attention, please! Jimmy is gonna tell you a story!"

Everyone thinks little Jimmy is gonna tell a poem or a bedtime story. However, he says the following:

"Last week daddy entered the room where the maid was cleaning and he hugged her and kissed her and started taking off all her clothes..."

Everyone looks at the dad who gets redder than a lobster. Jimmy continues:

"After taking off her clothes, he got naked too. They lay down and then daddy started putting his... his thing... I can't remember how they call it..."

Jimmy looks at her mother (who smiles smugly) for help:

"Mummy, how do you call that thing you put in your mouth when the neighbour comes over?"



Submitted August 31, 2015 at 10:02AM by Zsolty0497

What did the one wall say to the other wall?

"Meet you at the corner"



Submitted August 31, 2015 at 02:10PM by Just_a_Sloth_Here

A woman asks her husband, a programmer, to go shopping.

Wife: “Dear, please, go to the nearby grocery store to buy some bread. Also, if they have eggs, buy 6.” Husband: “O.K., hun.”

Twenty minutes later the husband comes back bringing 6 loaves of bread. His wife is flabbergasted.

Wife: “Dear, why on earth did you buy 6 loaves of bread?” Husband: “They had eggs.”



Submitted August 31, 2015 at 10:42AM by delta5361

National park ranger dad jokes the whole family

We were sightseeing at Yellowstone and we asked a ranger for some recommendations on where to go.

"There's this really cool tall cliff called Poison Cliff nearby. You wanna know why it was given that name?"

...."because one drop will kill ya!"

The highlight of our time at Yellowstone.



Submitted August 31, 2015 at 01:09PM by Dinklenator

My dad bought my daughter a toy flashlight

My dad says, "She loves it, her face just lights up when she plays with it!"

I said, "Yes, that's because it's a flashlight."

The look of pride on his face and the groaning made the last 30 years worth it.



Submitted August 31, 2015 at 12:07PM by violetddit

What part of the keyboard does an astronaut like best?

The space bar.



Submitted August 31, 2015 at 11:47AM by pallytank

How does NASA organize a party?

They planet.



Submitted August 31, 2015 at 12:09PM by _disguy

Trunk is ajar

My dad: The trunk isn't a jar, its a trunk!



Submitted August 31, 2015 at 10:52AM by Jcoms

A captain of the Foreign Legion is transferred...

...to a new military station in the middle of the desert. When he gets there, he sees that a camel gets a special treatment: it lives in a nice room, the men gently feed it, etc.

"Tell me, why does everyone care about that camel so much?" he asks the sergeant.

"Well, you know, so many men confined to the camp for so long, without any women... so when in need, we use the camel."

"Well, that's weird enough, but if it doesn't affect the morale, I guess it's fine."

After six tough months, the captain feels the need, too. He tells the sergeant:

"Sergeant, bring that camel into my room!"

The sergeant takes the camel to his room, where the captain has his way with the animal. Next morning, the captain tells the sergeant:

"See, now I know what the men are using the camel for as well!"

"Did you also go into town to visit the girls, sir?"



Submitted August 31, 2015 at 08:53AM by Zsolty0497

The next iPhone won't be a failure

In fact, it'll be a huge 6S.



Submitted August 31, 2015 at 10:13AM by QuestionsEverythang

Two gay men are travelling...

...on a plane. Let's call them Steve and Bill.

"Dude, what if we had sex?" asks Steve.

"You crazy? Here, on the plane? It would be awkward, everyone would watch us doing it..."

"Man, nobody is even paying attention to anything. Look!"

Steve stands up and asks loudly:

"Could I have a pencil, please?"

Nobody gives a damn. Everyone is sleeping, reading, looking out the window, etc.

"They really wouldn't care then, would they?" says Bill.

So Steve and Bill have wild sex on the plane.

Later, when the plane arrives to the airport and the people are leaving, the stewardess sees an old man who threw up all over his shirt, even his pants are soaking in the filth.

"Sir, you should've asked for a bag!"

"I didn't dare" whispers the old man. "A few rows ahead I saw a man asking for a pencil and he got fucked in the ass..."



Submitted August 31, 2015 at 10:16AM by Zsolty0497

A coworker asked me what my calendar looked like...

"A grid with lines and filled boxes for all of my meetings..."



Submitted August 31, 2015 at 10:20AM by billdanbury

Why was 6 afraid of 7?

Because 8 and 9 died in a double homicide and 7 is the prime suspect.



Submitted August 31, 2015 at 06:27AM by BitOfaCoinProblem

People who grow herbs are really efficient

They're great at thyme management.



Submitted August 31, 2015 at 10:06AM by tagthefish

I'm in a band that dresses up in alligator costumes and tells cheesy jokes.

We're a Pun Croc band.



Submitted August 31, 2015 at 07:24AM by Olivepancakex

I once installed a sky light in my apartment.

Boy were my upstairs neighbors pissed.



Submitted August 31, 2015 at 08:27AM by AuthorJamesRowe

The Boss calls his secretary..

The boss calls his female secretary & says:"Get ready for the weekend, We are going on a business trip."

The secretary calls husband & says:"Me & my boss are going on a business trip for 2 days so takecare of urself"

The husband calls his girlfriend & says:"My wife is going on a business trip, come home we can have fun"

The girlfriend calls the boy to whom she gives tuition: "No tuition this weekend."

The boy calls his father:"Dad, at last we can spend this weekend together."

Dad (The boss) calls his secretary & says:"Business trip is cancelled. I'm going to spend weekend with my son"

The secretary calls husband:"I won't be going"

The husband calls his girlfriend:"I am sorry My wife is not going "

The girlfriend calls boy:"You have tuition"

Boy calls his father & says:"Sorry Dad, I've classes"

The Dad calls his secretary.....

The theory of infinite loop.



Submitted August 30, 2015 at 11:03PM by lostpupp

I got my in laws with this gem.

Last night while having dinner at the in laws we were sitting down to eat. Well my father in law finished the ketchup and set the empty bottle down. I took the bottle put it up to my eyes and made "oooh, ahhh, ehhh, ewww" sounds for about 30 seconds. Finally my wife asked what I was doing. I told her "Everything's different in Heinz sight" the entire table proceeded to groan.



Submitted August 31, 2015 at 08:00AM by Choeseph_Hilbe

I think I need to replace my car's transmission.

It just can't get its shift together.



Submitted August 31, 2015 at 08:01AM by MarkovManiac

How did the townspeople react when the mayor presented them with a cost efficient, vegan protein source?

They chia'd.



Submitted August 31, 2015 at 07:21AM by AveragePurpleWizard

Made a Spread Sheet of why this Sub is going downhill.

Click Here for more info!



Submitted August 31, 2015 at 05:18AM by -_-Doodelz-_-

GF moved into a new apartment.

Turns out that there's trains that are pretty prominent at night. Was sitting at work when I get the text informing me:

Her: "So, turns out that there's trains at night around here.."

Me: "Well, guess you'll just have to try sleeping, you got work in the morning."

10 min later

Her: "Another one.. Wooo!"

Me: "Choo* trains go choo."

Her: "... I'm going to bed."

I thought it was clever.



Submitted August 31, 2015 at 03:09AM by citrus_monkeybutts

While watching Transformers: Age of Extinction with my wife I notice one the autobots was pretty hefty...

I said to my wife, "He must be eating too many carb-uretors."

Thanks to a friend for this joke who just had his 3rd girl. God bless him...



Submitted August 31, 2015 at 02:47AM by Kingpin0825

Sunday, August 30, 2015

A little boy and his grandfather

A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole." The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole."

The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. The boy then proceeds to put the worm back into the hole. The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray and runs into the house.

Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the boy another five dollars. The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars." The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your Grandma."



Submitted August 30, 2015 at 08:14PM by kestrel42

The next iPhone won't be a failure

In fact, it will be a 6S



Submitted August 31, 2015 at 01:06AM by zomgz0mbie

Classic Dad

Stepmom: Hey Bill Dad: Straw Diane



Submitted August 31, 2015 at 12:38AM by BoonDock_SAINT96

What do you call an Italian guy with a rubber toe?

Roberto



Submitted August 31, 2015 at 12:15AM by mampersat

A man has Super Bowl tickets

A man and his new wife make a pact to go to every Super Bowl. After 43 years the wife passes away, but the man continues their tradition and goes to the next super bowl. Another man sitting in the same row sees the empty seat next to the man and asks "why is this seat empty? It's the super bowl?" And the man replies "well it was my wife's seat but she passed away" and the other asks " well did you not want to invite anyone else?, any family?" And the man responds "I did but nobody would come with me" and the other remarks, "man that's tough your wife dies and they wouldn't come to the super bowl with you, what did they have to do that was better?" And the man says, "well her funeral was today."



Submitted August 30, 2015 at 10:29PM by DBREEZE223

Been chatting and flirting with this 14 year old chick

Now she tells me she's an undercover cop. How freakin' cool is that for someone her age.



Submitted August 30, 2015 at 02:28PM by LovesickDylan

After our plane landed...

... I asked a family in front of me, "So, what brought you to Madison?" The dad quickly said, "The airplane."



Submitted August 30, 2015 at 11:13PM by penislandbic

What are Stephen Hawking's favorite fruit?

Cherries.



Submitted August 30, 2015 at 10:37PM by MashdPotatoJohnson

A sweet old man who stops by to chat when he goes out for a walk told us this joke. (His wife had said "Don't tell anyone your silly joke... It's horrible.")

Old Man : "Never fall in love with a tennis professional."

Us : "Why Not?"

Old Man : "Because love means nothing to them."



Submitted August 30, 2015 at 09:54PM by CapnFancyPants

I thought of this one a minute ago. I'll make a good dad someday

Wearing too many clothes on a hot day can be dangerous. You're putting yourself in apparel. (Peril)

It's not the best but I got my girlfriend to cringe and leave.



Submitted August 30, 2015 at 09:21PM by MattBowdler

Why is coffee not appropriate to eat with crumpets in England?

Because its considered not-tea.



Submitted August 30, 2015 at 09:26PM by RocketSauceZ

What do you call a Frenchman in sandals?

Philippe Philoppe.



Submitted August 30, 2015 at 08:48PM by ciellav

Do you know which nuts are the smartest?

Academia nuts!



Submitted August 30, 2015 at 08:34PM by DrBoon_forgot_his_pw

I went to the charity thrift store, and they had a big wooden electric piano for sale

I guess someone was an organ donor.



Submitted August 30, 2015 at 08:26PM by SmellsLikeASteak

(NSFW) What do a girl's asshole and a 9 volt battery have in common?

You know it's wrong, but eventually you have to put your tongue on it.



Submitted August 30, 2015 at 06:51PM by johnsgurl

Why do cows wear bells?

Because their horns don't work.



Submitted August 30, 2015 at 02:57PM by pun_laden

What's a gay man's favorite planet?

Earth, most likely. Unless he's personally interested in space exploration, in which case he might say Mars.



Submitted August 30, 2015 at 04:09PM by LibrtyUniversity

Do we have any wraps?

I asked my mom if we had any wraps in the fridge. She then proceeded to say "no, they're right here. uh uh, I'm a mom. I'm the bomb. Uh uh" tl;dr: my mom is my dad



Submitted August 30, 2015 at 06:00PM by Skater550

My wife told me our dogs technical color is called "Fawn"

So you would say he's one fawn son of a bitch?

Groaning, she leaves the room.

I thought it was funny.



Submitted August 30, 2015 at 01:35PM by jessalon

What do you call sex with a french midget?

Bone a petite



Submitted August 30, 2015 at 04:23PM by phazer29

I'm thinking about putting together an anthology of dad jokes for an Indian audience...

I think I'll call it "The Upunishads."



Submitted August 30, 2015 at 03:41PM by k-smackerel

Dios Mios!

Son: Don't say the lord's name in vain!

Dad: I'm not saying it in vain... I'm saying it in Spanish!



Submitted August 30, 2015 at 02:32PM by shoopdahoop22

Got the fiancé while she was showing me photo albums.

She was showing me old family photos and turned to a picture of her cousins:

Her: (While pointing to one of her cousins) "She had an unplanned pregnancy at a young age, but that's her fiancé, they've been together for a long time now."

Me: "Well it's nice to see he's still in the picture."

Not even a groan, just silence and 'the look'.



Submitted August 30, 2015 at 03:32PM by HEHHHHHHHH

A feminist visited a Muslim country and was unhappy with the treatment of women there...

All of the Muslim men made their wives walk at least five feet behind them. The visiting feminist was outraged, "How could you be so sexist? This is an outrage!"

She left the country, only to return years later. Much to her surprise, all of the women were walking five feet ahead of their husbands. The feminist couldn't believe it. "What changed? Why are you so progressive now?" One of the men overheard and said with a smile... "land mines."



Submitted August 30, 2015 at 04:18PM by beardlessdick

Hooker

A guy is walking along the strip in Las Vegas and a knockout looking hooker catches his eye. He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks the hooker, "How much do you charge?" Hooker replies, "It starts at $500 for a hand-job." Guy says, "$500 dollars! For a hand-job! Jesus Christ! No hand-job is v worth that kind of money!" The hooker says, "Do you see that Denny's on the corner?" "Yes." "Do you see the Denny's about a block further down?" "Yes." "And beyond that, do you see that third Denny's?" "Yes." "Well," says the hooker, smiling invitingly, "I own those. And, I own them because I give a hand-job that's worth $500." Guy says, "What the hell? You only live once. I'll give it a try." They retire to a nearby motel.

A short time later, the guy is sitting on the bed realizing that he just experienced the hand-job of a lifetime, worth every bit of $500. He is so amazed, he says, "I suppose a blow-job is $1,000?" The hooker replies, "$1,500." "$1,500? My God! No blow-job could be worth that. A televangelist wouldn't pay that for a blow-job!" The hooker replies, "Step over here to the window, big boy. Do you see that casino just across the street? I own that casino outright. And I own it because I give a blow-job that's worth every cent of $1,500." The guy, basking in the afterglow of that terrific hand-job, decides to put off the new car for another year or so, and says, "Sign me up."

Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than before. He can scarcely believe it but he feels he truly got his money's worth. He decides to dip into the retirement savings for one glorious and unforgettable experience. He asks the hooker, "How much for some pussy?" The hooker says, "Come over here to the window, I want to show you something. Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid out before us, all those beautiful lights, gambling palaces, and showplaces?" "Damn!" the guy says, in awe, "You own the whole city?"

"No," the hooker replies, "but I would if I had a pussy."



Submitted August 30, 2015 at 01:53PM by celerontm

Why do cows wear bells?

Because their horns don't work.



Submitted August 30, 2015 at 12:55PM by pun_laden

Where did Sally go after the explosion?

Everywhere.



Submitted August 30, 2015 at 01:10PM by Just_a_Sloth_Here

Why didn't blacks in 1850 give high-fives?

Because everyone always left them hanging!



Submitted August 30, 2015 at 11:53AM by shyguy216

At Yellowstone and my Dad busts this out

(While we are watching Old Faithful)

Dad: Did you know each eruption of Old Faithful gets a name?

Me: Like hurricanes? No I didn't

Dad: Yeah, except they all have German names. I think it's because Old Faithful was discovered by Germans.

Me: That's really interesting. What's this one called?

Dad: Geyser Wilhelm.



Submitted August 30, 2015 at 12:09PM by Friendo_Supreme

While eating at an Indian restaurant, my son says, "Look, you can make little sandwiches with the food." I responded...

..."Technically it isn't a sandwich if it's a Naan-sandwich."



Submitted August 30, 2015 at 12:49PM by Absal0m

What's the difference between a coal mining company and catholic priests?

A coal mining company puts miners in shafts.



Submitted August 30, 2015 at 06:59AM by atodaso

[NSFW] What's long, cylindrical, hard, full of semen and can make a woman scream?

The sock under your bed.



Submitted August 30, 2015 at 11:31AM by azerty1976

Religion and squirrels

There were four churches and a synagogue in a small town: a Presbyterian church, a Baptist church, a Methodist church, a Catholic church and a Jewish synagogue. Each church and the synagogue had a problem with squirrels.The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they determined the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.

At the Baptist church the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a water slide on the baptistery and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and, unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week.

The Methodist church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creatures. So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist Church. Two weeks later the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water slide.

But the Catholic Church came up with a very creative strategy. They baptized all the squirrels and consecrated them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.

Not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue, but it's rumored that they took one squirrel and circumcised him. They haven't seen a squirrel on their property since.



Submitted August 30, 2015 at 07:31AM by rumblefish65

Why don't blind people skydive?

Because it scares their dogs too much!



Submitted August 30, 2015 at 11:45AM by Paradigm_Pizza

Girlfriend's dad told said this a few minutes ago

My girlfriend was making ovaltine since I've never had it (and I'm 26). She asked if I wanted whole milk or 2% milk with it, and I just said "whatever's better."

Her dad pointed to the red top jug and said, "that will be a WHOLE lot better."



Submitted August 30, 2015 at 10:00AM by bhatbhai

Got the fiancé while she was showing me photo albums.

She was showing me old family photos and turned to a picture of her cousins:

Her: (While pointing to one of her cousins) "She had an unplanned pregnancy at a young age, but that's her fiancé, they've been together for a long time now."

Me: "Well it's nice to see he's still in the picture."

Not even a groan, just silence and 'the look'.



Submitted August 30, 2015 at 11:16AM by HEHHHHHHHH

I should make a monument in my yard dedicated to the guy who killed Hitler.

No text found

Submitted August 30, 2015 at 10:56AM by GrandpaSpud

Yesterday I ran over a rock that was 1 mile across

What a milestone



Submitted August 30, 2015 at 09:45AM by eliaspett123

So I saw that the new dinosaur in Jurassic Park is a hybrid

Guess that makes it Priustoric



Submitted August 30, 2015 at 08:29AM by CANT_TRUST_HILLARY

Two old friends meet in bar...

[translated from Turkish]

-Hey Jack! How have you been! It's been months!

-Bonjour Monsieur ! Indeed, it's been a while

-"Bonjour Monsieur"? What's this French?

-Mais biensur !

-Don't screw with me Jack. I know you don't know French. We both went to the same school and we never had any French lessons!!

-No, no! I'm learning via the radio. 99.3 FM. Every day at 10AM you have French lessons. Very easy, I suggest you try.

-Oh, ok, cool I'll give a try tomorrow.

Next morning he calls Jack: -Yo Jack, I have those old radios with a needle for tuning. Does it work with those old radios too?

-Sure! Scroll to 99, then go a little further to the right.

-Oh cool! Thx!

-Mais de rien !

-oh! stfu already...

Couple of weeks later, he meets Jack again. And Jack asks: -Salut mon ami, How is your French?

  • Shhhszzzzoussssshzzziuhli! (static noise)

[probably not the best written joke :/]



Submitted August 30, 2015 at 06:26AM by PM_me_whats_on_TV

Husband and wife go to a club

They notice a guy on the dance floor giving everyone a show. He's breakdancing, moon walking and even throwing in a few backflips. The wife turns to the husband and says, "see that guy on the dance floor? He proposed to be 25 years ago and I turned him down!" Husband says "Yeah looks like he's still celebrating!"



Submitted August 30, 2015 at 02:30AM by Rpd_

Alaska

...where both dislexics and non-dislexics can live in a State of Denali



Submitted August 30, 2015 at 07:34AM by RoburLC

What do you call people who pretend to be Irish on St. Patrick's Day?

Counterfitz



Submitted August 30, 2015 at 07:07AM by RoburLC

Why did the chicken cross the road half-way?

She wanted to lay it on the line.



Submitted August 30, 2015 at 07:22AM by RoburLC

What do you call a fight between a mexican and a pedophile?

Alien VS Predator



Submitted August 30, 2015 at 03:11AM by GregTJ

I hope Jeb Bush wins the primaries

Then takes Dick Cheney as his running mate. There campaign slogan would be "same dick, new bush."



Submitted August 30, 2015 at 12:54AM by MightyJoeY

A man is in the hospital for stomach problems when he suddenly gets diarrhea and shits in bed.

Panicking, the man folds the sheet with the poo and throws it out the window.

The sheet lands on a man walking by. The man wrestles a little with the sheet and the poop comes flowing out.

Another man walks by and asks him what he's doing.

"Damn,you'll never believe me," he replies. "But I think I just beat the shit out of a ghost!!



Submitted August 29, 2015 at 03:46PM by IrishRoller

I used to be addicted to soap

but now i'm clean



Submitted August 30, 2015 at 03:57AM by jonasjlp

Shit Zoo

Friends of mine were on vacation and decided to make a trip to the local zoo.

They found it a little disappointing

They only had one animal display, it was a Shih Tzu



Submitted August 29, 2015 at 11:04PM by BroccoIiRob

Saturday, August 29, 2015

What do you call someone who wears leather, likes bondage and likes getting inked?

Moleskine



Submitted August 30, 2015 at 01:30AM by dennyabrain

French rifle for sale.

Never fired. Dropped twice.



Submitted August 29, 2015 at 10:13PM by marinewannabee97

Why did the Serrano need a jacket?

Because he was a little chili.



Submitted August 29, 2015 at 11:27PM by bexican

I dad joked my boss like...

A vendor walks in the store and says.. "I have some German silver if you would like to add to your inventory". My boss replies "what is German silver and how is it different?" I replied from my office with an accent "I think German silver is NEIN 2 5". Nobody understood.



Submitted August 29, 2015 at 09:09PM by kaasett

Wife asked for a little Sprite.

My wife was face timing her parents with the toddler and asked me for a "little sprite to drink".

Not wanting to pass up the opportunity, I filled a demitasse cup and proceeded to hand it to her. Walking away with my subtle triumph I hear my mother in law say "I don't think that's what she asked for," and my father in law telling her it probably was a little sprite.

The rest of my wife's conversation had more mouthed "vacuums" (I presume) then normal.



Submitted August 29, 2015 at 10:34PM by Patrae

Did you know that your eyesight actually gets better as you get older?

It's called adult supervision.



Submitted August 29, 2015 at 10:51PM by JohnThomasSteakhouse

Viagra now comes in a nasal spray.

It's for dick heads.



Submitted August 29, 2015 at 08:29PM by jumtrum

Why did the astronaut break up with his girlfriend?

He needed space.



Submitted August 29, 2015 at 07:54PM by haveioffendedsomeone

You're mother told me she was speechless when I proposed...

...I should propose more often.



Submitted August 29, 2015 at 08:33PM by Darth_Tanion

A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks ...

'Excuthe me, do you have any widdle wabbits?' The shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level, and says, 'Do you want a widdle white wabbit or a thoft, fwuffy bwack wabbit, or one like that widdle bwown wabbit over there?' The little girl blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and whispers ... 'I don't weally fink my pyfon gives a phuk!!..



Submitted August 29, 2015 at 09:03PM by 1makfly

My dad's vacuum's upright lock broke, now he calls it Eileen.

No text found

Submitted August 29, 2015 at 09:13PM by StevieMJH

What do Bill Cosby and Santa Claus have in common?

They both come when you're alseep.



Submitted August 29, 2015 at 07:27PM by MattThompsonDalldorf

A couple wants to have a quickie...

...but their son is in the house. So they tell him to go out on the balcony and tell them what's going on in the neighborhood while they do their thing. He proceeds to the balcony and begins reporting what he sees. "Looks like the Jeffersons got a new dog." he said. "Oh! And the Alans are moving out." he exclaimed. "Look at that. Looks like the Johnsons are having sex." The couple stops dead. "How do you know the Johnsons are making love?" said the boys father. After a short pause he replies, "Becase their kid is out on the balcony."



Submitted August 29, 2015 at 07:45PM by forcax

What did the reindeer father say to the reindeer son?

I caribou you.



Submitted August 29, 2015 at 07:29PM by antepenultima

Wife: Daddy long legs spiders don't bug me

Me: That's because they're arachnids.



Submitted August 29, 2015 at 06:54PM by MattTheProgrammer

I never was very good at history.

"Was the Cold War before or after the Warm War?"



Submitted August 29, 2015 at 07:12PM by BringItBackNowYall

Jesus has been living in my heart for years...

...and I still haven't received one rent check!

No wonder they call him king of the Jews...



Submitted August 29, 2015 at 01:42PM by haveioffendedsomeone

What's Wonder Woman's weakness?

The patriarchy.



Submitted August 29, 2015 at 06:26PM by DearWisdom

I witnessed an attempted murder earlier...

Luckily only one crow showed up...



Submitted August 29, 2015 at 05:52PM by Ambler3isme

A mugged turtle..

A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police show up, they ask him what happened. The shaken turtle replies, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast.”



Submitted August 29, 2015 at 03:57PM by Pizzablawk

Girlfriend spots me raiding the fridge: "There's a man in the fridge..."

Me: "He's just chilling out!"



Submitted August 29, 2015 at 03:11PM by BopNiblets

Why does West Virginia have so many unsolved murders?

There are no dental records and all the DNA is the same.



Submitted August 29, 2015 at 03:35PM by ruinsoftime

My gym just got a new machine today, it has everything!

Twix, snickers, malteasers, the list goes on



Submitted August 29, 2015 at 03:27PM by McWomble

A Chinese man goes to the bank

A Chinese man that just moved to the United States goes to a bank to exchange his yuan for US dollars. He gives the teller 100 yuan and the teller exchanges it for $100. He thanks the teller and leaves.

A week later, the Chinese man returns to the bank with another 100 yuan to exchange. This time the teller only gives him $90. The man asks why he got less than last week and the teller replies "Oh, market changes and, you know, fluctuations."

Clearly offended, the man gets red in the face and yells "Oh yeah?! Well FLUCK YOU AMERICANS TOO!"



Submitted August 29, 2015 at 09:31AM by mattym00

Two fish in a tank

Fish 1:Uh, Greg?

Fish 2:What?

Fish 1:How do we drive this thing



Submitted August 29, 2015 at 02:51PM by philiplis

My gf was doing some housework

She was bragging to me about cleaning the drainage pipe outside her basement door, which gets filled with leaves. To which I responded "oh wow, you're really popin those zits." Met with a blank stare. "Because you're Proactiv!"

She shook her head and walked away.



Submitted August 29, 2015 at 02:22PM by BigDawgLurker

[NSFW] My friends keep telling me that I am an audiophile...

Fuck all that jazz.



Submitted August 29, 2015 at 01:02PM by zergling1345

What's the difference between a hooker and an onion?

You don't cry when you cut up a hooker.



Submitted August 29, 2015 at 11:03AM by bjoose

Lately I've found my job, building kitchen work surfaces, to be counter productive.

No text found

Submitted August 29, 2015 at 08:09AM by denturedocelot

A kid in the park told me smoking was bad for me

So I popped his ballon with my cigarette and informed him so was talking to strangers.



Submitted August 29, 2015 at 10:13AM by HasARelevantUsername

A Doctor posts an ad in the paper...

So... this Doctor posts an ad saying "I can cure any disease for $500. If I can't cure you, you get $1000." So this fellow who is looking to make a quick buck figures, what the hell. Looking on the internet for a disease with no cure, he finds -Tastoritis- the inability to taste any food. "Doc," he says, walking into the office. "I have tastoritis... no cure. I can't taste anything." The doctor says "Hmmm. I've heard of this and I've heard of some new research." Nervous, the fellow says "Yeah?" "Yeah. Nurse, get bottle 22 down from the shelf." Pouring a big spoonful, the nurse says, "Open up." The man opens his mouth and takes a huge mouthful. "PTTHHth" spitting it everywhere. "That's Gasoline!" "That'll be $500." Going home, $500 the lighter, our pissed off patient decides to give it another shot. -Cuncussive Amnesa- After a hit on the head, no memory what so ever. "Doc, I have cuncussive amnesia. No memory, what so ever." "Hmmm," says the doctor. "I've heard of this. And I've also heard of some new research." Uh oh. Thinks our patient, but says "Yeah?" "Yeah. Nurse, get down bottle number 22." "Hell No!" says the patient, "That's Gasoline!" "That will be $500" Now down $1000, our patient is determined. -Blindness- Can't see shit. (Hey, there's no cure for blindness. I'll get him) "Doc, I'm blind. I can't see anything." "Hmmm." says the Doctor. "I've heard of this. I've also heard of some new research." Our patient, nervous, though determined, I'll drink a mouthful of gasoline, if it means getting back my $1000. "Nurse, get bottle 22 down from the shelf." Pouring a big spoonful, the nurse says "Open up!" Drinking down the gasoline, our patient winces, near gagging, but keeps up the act. "Anything?" asks the Doctor. "Nope. Still blind." The Doctor turns to the nurse. "Well, we better write this man a check for $1000." The nurse writes the man the check and upon receiving it, he turns toward the door with a smile on his face. "Wait a minute," he says... "This check says $10!" "That will be $500"



Submitted August 29, 2015 at 03:13AM by jonnyprophet

Why did the exterminator let his dogs eat steak for dinner?

He lets the pesticides



Submitted August 29, 2015 at 10:39AM by Nomorepleaseno

I used to copy Mitch Hedberg jokes and post them here.

I still do, but I used to too...



Submitted August 29, 2015 at 07:36AM by that_introverted_guy

Why do windows make such bad liars?

Because you can always see right through them!



Submitted August 29, 2015 at 09:57AM by JohnManyjohns

Me and my GF went to the fair

As we arrived at the fair there was a directional sign that said

Fair Parking $20 ->

To which I exclaimed to my girlfriend "They call that fair parking!? That's a ripoff!"



Submitted August 29, 2015 at 09:59AM by tsmith944

Apparently someone got arrested here for making false instruments.

I guess those instruments must have been lyres.



Submitted August 29, 2015 at 09:08AM by edderiofer

You wouldn't believe what I saw on my way home from work last night.

Okay so I get off at 4:00 and I didn't waste any time leaving the office. Shut down my computer, grabbed my keys, and I was on the road by 4:05. It had been a pretty crazy day and I was ready to get home.

As I'm driving home I notice I'm running on Empty. I probably could have made it home but I was really craving a Coca Cola so I decide to stop at the nearest gas station.

Anyways I'm filling my tank I see an old lady a few gas pumps away putting gas in her old beat up station wagon but didn't really think anything of it and just continued to enjoy my icey cold Coca Cola.

Next thing I know I see this old lady holding the gas pump nozzle spewing gas everywhere. I guess she had taken the nozzle out of the vehicle w out disengaging the automatic trigger or whatever but it went EVERYWHERE. Her car, her arms, the ground, all over the place and by the time she got that thing to stop spraying there was at least a gallon of gas everywhere.

So I immediately run over to see if she's okay and she smells like straight up gas. I gave her napkins to dry off her hands and to clean what gas was spilled on the car. She said she was okay and thanked me for my help so I leave and head home.

So now I'm a few blocks from home, driving over the last hill right before my next turn and all of a sudden, almost out of nowhere, she comes flyin past me in that same old beat up station wagon with, I shit you not, her arm CAUGHT ON FIRE. And as if that's not bad enough there are two cops right behind her in hot pursuit. So while I'm freaking out trying to pull over to the side she zooms past so fast I barely catch a glimpse of her frantically flailing her arm out the window as they all go over the hill.

At that point couldn't believe what I was seeing it was just too crazy. So I quickly get back on the road and make my way over the hill and I spot her. She's pulled over in the emergency lane. I see the same old lady being handcuffed and put in the back of the squad car.

Yeah turns out she was arrested for waiving a fire arm in public.

¯_(ツ)_/¯



Submitted August 29, 2015 at 09:09AM by Superfast__Jellyfish

Why did the jealous coroner kill his girlfriend? (Dark, obviously)

So he cadaver all to himself.



Submitted August 29, 2015 at 08:27AM by k-smackerel

I'll never understand why M&M's Packages are Brown

Shouldn't they be white?



Submitted August 29, 2015 at 05:10AM by im_from_detroit

A study conducted by a group of scientists shows that women that have more than 25% body fat live longer than the men who mention it to them

No text found

Submitted August 29, 2015 at 06:39AM by 4tchan

A student goes to the principal

A student visits the principal's office. The principal asks: "What is your name, son?" The student replies: "D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir." Then the principal asks: "Oh, do you have a stutter?" Student answers: "No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who registered my name was an asshole."

Edit: Shitty format because mobile.



Submitted August 29, 2015 at 06:04AM by kizilsakal

Where do you see John Cena?

At the Cenama

I'm sorry



Submitted August 29, 2015 at 12:30AM by Onlyusemeusername

A girl asks her father...

A girl asks her father, "Why was I called violet?" And the dad replies, "Because when you were a baby a violet landed on your head."

Another girl asks her father, "Why was I called Rose?" And the dad replies, "Because when you were a baby a rose landed on your head."

Another girl asks her dad, "Heyasdeasuadwxosj" And the dad replies, "Shut up fridge."



Submitted August 29, 2015 at 03:06AM by Docoot

When I was young, I grew up in a theme park..

The theme of the park was trailer.



Submitted August 29, 2015 at 12:35AM by phanell

Geometry Teacher is a pro dad

Student: How long will this test be Mr. (Teacher) Teacher: Exactly 11 inches Student: ...



Submitted August 29, 2015 at 01:15AM by brenap13

Friday, August 28, 2015

How do you know your girlfriend is getting fat?

She fits into your wife's clothes.



Submitted August 28, 2015 at 11:42PM by WaitTilUSeeMyDick

What do a lion, a witch, and a wardrobe have in common?

Narnia business.



Submitted August 29, 2015 at 12:51AM by kipperAVL

We should have known Communism would fail.

There were a lot of red flags.



Submitted August 28, 2015 at 10:46PM by StarBP

The greatest prank call I ever pulled off

I was an ER tech in a fairly busy inner city hospital for a few years. On one unusually slow night, around 3am, I called up to labor and delivery from an outside line. The conversation went like this:

"Labor and Delivery Nancy speaking"

"Hi I have an unusual problem and I am hoping you can help me."

"OK what can I do for you?"

"Well a couple weeks ago my wife and I had a baby boy who was born with an extremely rare condition. You see, he was born without eyelids."

"Oh my goodness!"

"Yes. Well at your hospital there they tried a new experimental treatment. They used the foreskin from his circumcision to create eyelids for him. Have you heard about this procedure?"

"OH MY GOD! No! I haven't!"

"Well everything was going great and he seemed to be healing well but when he woke up this morning, he looked a little cockeyed..."

"..........."

"COCKEYED!"

<click>



Submitted August 28, 2015 at 10:11PM by TurnTheTVOff

Why do calendars never get married?

Because they would rather date.



Submitted August 28, 2015 at 11:20PM by rbk4life

My son got me earlier tonight

We were watching a movie and he started climbing all over me.

Me: What do I look like, a jungle gym?

Son: No, you look like a jungle daddy.



Submitted August 28, 2015 at 10:51PM by TheForceiswithus

How Do You Pick Up a Girl?



Submitted August 28, 2015 at 08:52PM by newsjunkie8

Two antennae met at a bar...

They started dating and eventually fell in love. They decided to get married. The wedding left a lot to be desired, but the reception was great.



Submitted August 28, 2015 at 03:57PM by notmyfullnameagain

Another blonde joke.

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"

The blonde said "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and other materials that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She should, she was standing on it."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.

"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."



Submitted August 28, 2015 at 06:02PM by HideEveryone

Donald Trump

No text found

Submitted August 28, 2015 at 07:48PM by Weave77

What do you call a cat that's eaten an entire duck?

A DuckFilledFattyPuss



Submitted August 28, 2015 at 08:30PM by CapnFancyPants

All joking aside...

No text found

Submitted August 28, 2015 at 07:26PM by k-smackerel

Why can't you run through a campground?

You can only ran, because it's past tents.

Dad texted me that gem today while I was at work. It seems to be floating around Facebook.



Submitted August 28, 2015 at 05:03PM by akhaleesi

Sorry if this is a bit TMI, but I thought you all would appreciate this one.

So I was having sex with this new girl I'm talking too.

During, she said "Go deeper." So I stopped and started talking about my childhood and stuff.

Totally worth it 100%.

She didn't appreciate it as much as I did though.



Submitted August 28, 2015 at 05:06PM by Moose_Jitsu

What do you call a 24 hour cancer doctor?

An ON-CALL-OGIST!!

sorry if this has been submitted before



Submitted August 28, 2015 at 03:29PM by NOLAFatCat

Me and my dad were doing some yard work yesterday

He asked me to move my car so he could edge, so i moved it and decided i would do the edging for him. I went out back and told him i was done with the edging, turns out he already edged just not by my car, so i looked him dead in the eye and said "Guess we just have a double edged lawn"



Submitted August 28, 2015 at 03:19PM by Veothrosh

How to stop being intimidated by dates

Just think of them as big raisins.



Submitted August 28, 2015 at 11:14AM by antoniojobim

A Mother, her daughter, and a bowl of olives...

The mother takes an olive, puts it in her mouth, goes, "mmmmm...", the daughter tries one for the first time, goes "ewww...", mother eats another, again, goes "mmmm...", her daughter tries yet another, then begins to cry. Her mother asks, "why are you crying", her daughter says "you're getting all the good ones"



Submitted August 28, 2015 at 12:50PM by ibjixx1

A man with a stutter goes to the doctor

A man goes to the doctor to consult regarding his stutter.

  Man: "D-d-d-doctor, have the re-re-re-results come back yet about the source of my st-st-st-stutter?"

  Doctor: "Yes, after extensive examination, I have determined that the reason for your stutter is because of your enormous penis. We will have to perform surgery and replace it with a regular sized one."

Conflicted, the man ultimately agrees as his terrible stutter has hindered him since childhood. He undergoes surgery and had his penis replaced. Thankful, he goes back to his home and returns to his life.

After a few days, the man returns to the doctor troubled.

  Man: "Doctor! I would like to have my old penis back again. My stutter is gone but I can no longer satisfy my wife in bed like I used to. Please perform surgery on me again."

  Doctor: "N-n-n-no takebacks!"



Submitted August 28, 2015 at 11:28AM by giogsgs12

How many dead hookers do you need to change a light bulb?

Dunno. Seven's not the answer tough, my basement is still dark



Submitted August 28, 2015 at 01:02PM by guto8797

Did you hear about the food fight at the Indian restaurant?

There were injuries to many naan combatants.



Submitted August 28, 2015 at 02:59PM by bigoldgeek

Before you criticize a man

You should walk a mile in his shoes.

That way you'll be a mile away and he'll have no shoes.



Submitted August 28, 2015 at 01:22PM by guest8272

Most people don't realize that Iron Man..

Is a Fe-male.



Submitted August 28, 2015 at 12:29PM by biddinbandit

Some Dutch rodents built a new dike.

Hampsterdam



Submitted August 28, 2015 at 11:18AM by tallpapab

Ex-Wife

Tom finally decided to tie the knot with his longtime girlfriend. One evening, after the honeymoon, he was cleaning one of his hot rods for an upcoming show.

His wife was standing there at the bench watching him. After a long period of silence she finally speaks. "Honey, I've just been thinking, now that we are married maybe it's time you quit spending all your time out here in the garage and you probably should just consider selling all your cars.

Tom gets this horrified look on his face. She says, "Darling, what's wrong?"

"There for a minute you were starting to sound like my ex-wife."

"Ex-wife!”, she screams, "YOU NEVER TOLD ME YOU WERE MARRIED BEFORE!!!!!!!"

Tom's reply: "I wasn't".



Submitted August 28, 2015 at 11:54AM by weaverl47

What do hospitals and refrigerators have in common?

If you pull the plug, the vegetables start to decompose.



Submitted August 28, 2015 at 08:26AM by patternmaker

I was working on some optical fiber computer cables, so I asked Wiz Khalifa to help me out.

I asked him if he knew what color-code fiber #20 was supposed to be. And as a matter of fact did he know fiber 8 and 9?

His response:

"Black and Yellow, Black and Yellow"



Submitted August 28, 2015 at 10:39AM by dannieman

T.GIF



Submitted August 28, 2015 at 10:34AM by CakeCruncher

Fiancee got me this morning

Talking about getting groceries,

ME: Okay, I'll hit Publix on my way home for lunch

HER: Why? What the hell did Publix ever do to you?

She takes after her father.



Submitted August 28, 2015 at 10:28AM by HuggyBear_

Repost from /r/History: Even the reporter apologised :)



Submitted August 28, 2015 at 08:29AM by MrTibbs117

I went to an allotment yesterday to find more soil there than the day before. Today, I went there again and found even more soil..

The plot thickens...



Submitted August 28, 2015 at 08:01AM by Beethovens32

Got our bank statement in the mail today...

My wife say, "I wonder if there is any information on here that would cause any trouble if I just threw it in the trash."

I respond, "There's probably something that it would say to cause the rest of the trash to revolt."

Will be dad in eight months. Hope to make all dads proud.



Submitted August 28, 2015 at 09:22AM by SoKPupit

A bloke is in a queue at the supermarket...

...when he notices that the rather dishy blonde behind him has just raised her hand and smiled hello to him.

He is rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to him, and although familiar he can’t place where he might know her from, so he says “sorry do you know me?”

She replies “I maybe mistaken, but I thought you might be the father of one of my children!”

His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful, he says “are you that stripogram on my stag night that I shagged on the snooker table in front of all my mates whilst your mate whipped me with some wet celery and stuck a cucumber up my rear?”

“No”, she replies, “I’m your son’s English Teacher



Submitted August 28, 2015 at 06:04AM by erts

I am attracted to black women but I can't date them.

Apparently my wife is a racist.



Submitted August 28, 2015 at 07:51AM by Notevenfun

What do you call someone who puts a picture of themselves in a locket?

Independent



Submitted August 28, 2015 at 05:25AM by BillCryTheSadGuy

You can't run in a campground.

You can only ran, because its past tents.



Submitted August 28, 2015 at 07:26AM by CAL9k

In which plane are you flying when your kids permanently complain about the tedious flight?

A Boring 747



Submitted August 28, 2015 at 07:35AM by hardypart

A guy asked a girl in a university library: "Do you mind if I sit beside you?”

The girl replied with a loud voice: "NO! I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!" All the students in the library started looking at the guy; he was pretty embarrassed. After a while the girl walked quietly over to the guy's table and said: "I study psychology, I know what a man is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed, right?” The guy then responded with a loud voice: “$1000 FOR ONE NIGHT? THAT'S TOO MUCH!” All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock. The guy whispered "I guess you felt bad for what you did earlier, right? I study law; I know how to make someone feel guilty.”



Submitted August 28, 2015 at 03:40AM by Darkwr4ith

My hamster died last night :(

He fell asleep at the wheel



Submitted August 28, 2015 at 05:47AM by McWomble

My wife is so weird

She starts every conversation with "were you even listening to me?"



Submitted August 28, 2015 at 03:09AM by prakashtim

Thursday, August 27, 2015

You can't run through a tent campground

You can only ran because it's past tents.



Submitted August 27, 2015 at 10:41PM by blindboydotcom

My dad at the Hockey Hall of Fame.

Me: I want to try on the Team Russia jersey...

Dad: Go ahead!

Me: Help me bring them down so I can try the different sizes.

Dad: Why can't you do it yourself?

Me: Just help me so I can check!!

Dad: You said you wanted Russian not Czech.



Submitted August 28, 2015 at 01:22AM by mandudehey

Australians don't have sex

Australians mate.



Submitted August 28, 2015 at 01:14AM by Tentaye

A man walks into a bar. By the way, I'm the guy who accidentally knocked over Usain Bolt.

Sorry, I'm not good with segways.



Submitted August 27, 2015 at 09:55PM by fakunureyebrows515

Why couldn't the hunter cook breakfast?

The game warden found out he poached his eggs!



Submitted August 28, 2015 at 12:33AM by Fishman3000

A blonde gets a job painting lines on the highway...

A blonde gets a job painting lines on the highway. At the end of the first day, her supervisor is impressed. "Wow!" he says. "You did eight miles today! That's amazing!"

The second day, the blonde's production is down to four miles. "Still pretty darn good," the supervisor says.

On the third day, the blonde only does two miles. The supervisor calls her into the office. "What's going on?" he asks. "The first day you did great with eight miles, then yesterday you were down to four, and today you only managed two. What's the problem?"

The blonde rolls her eyes and says "Duh! The paint bucket keeps getting farther away!"



Submitted August 27, 2015 at 11:19PM by swine_rabbit

Hitler walks into a bar.

The owner, surprised to see the German leader at his bar, asks if he’d like his top-notch bourbon on the house. “No thanks,” Hitler replies. “I’ll just take a screwdriver.” One screwdriver turned into 10 before Adolf called it quits and headed home.

The next night, Hitler returned to the bar, but this time takes up the owner’s offer on the bourbon. “Even the best vodka can make a man sick if he’s had too many,” says the owner. “It wasn’t the vodka,” Hitler replies. “I blame the juice.”



Submitted August 27, 2015 at 06:14PM by jbird221

Poem

I dig,

You dig,

We dig,

He dig,

She dig,

They dig,

Now it's not a beautiful poem, but it's quite deep.



Submitted August 27, 2015 at 10:02PM by MikeRivalheli

What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo?

One is heavy, the other is a little lighter.



Submitted August 27, 2015 at 07:24PM by Ralome

How do find the blind man at the nudist colony?

It's not hard.



Submitted August 27, 2015 at 07:39PM by Atlas_Schmatlas

Why did the cyclops quit teaching?

He had only one pupil.



Submitted August 27, 2015 at 04:44PM by DontHateDefenestrate

Two factory workers are talking.

Two factory workers are talking. The woman says, "I can make the boss give me the day off." The man replies, "And how would you do that?" The woman says, "Just wait and see." She then hangs upside-down from the ceiling. The boss comes in and says, "What are you doing?" The woman replies, "I'm a light bulb." The boss then says, "You've been working so much that you've gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off." The man starts to follow her and the boss says, "Where are you going?" The man says, "I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark."



Submitted August 27, 2015 at 10:37AM by mostshockingclip

In 101 Dalmatians there were 99 problems and bitches were approximately half of them

This got banned from Showerthoughts for being a pun, and I knew you guys liked puns so here we are!



Submitted August 27, 2015 at 09:23AM by eltappo

My neighbors listen to good music

If they like it or not



Submitted August 27, 2015 at 01:11PM by jakcod4

How many animals can you fit into a pair of panty hose?

Ten pigs, two calves, one beaver, and an ass.



Submitted August 27, 2015 at 02:35PM by surelyucantbserious

What do anal sex and bungee jumping have in common?

If the rubber breaks, you're in the shit.



Submitted August 27, 2015 at 10:31AM by Greplington

My dad got me with this one.

1



Submitted August 27, 2015 at 02:20PM by boompop4

What's Sam Smith's favorite type of nut?



Submitted August 27, 2015 at 02:20PM by marymelodic

My boss dad joked me.

I was explaining how I shipped a laptop from mexico to the US through customs without having to pay a duty.

You mean you didn't have to pay shit!

since I am a dad... I thought it was funny. Everyone else groaned...



Submitted August 27, 2015 at 01:34PM by jimillett

I fucked a sarcastic girl.

She loved it.



Submitted August 27, 2015 at 11:46AM by TommehBoi

I changed my password to "incorrect"

So when I forget it my computer will tell me "your password is incorrect"



Submitted August 27, 2015 at 11:39AM by biddinbandit

What's the easiest thing to eat?

A piece of cake.



Submitted August 27, 2015 at 12:25PM by Colinmacus

Don't talk through a screen door

It'll strain your voice.



Submitted August 27, 2015 at 12:34PM by Aureperi

Dadjoked my mother

She told me she was going to the ABBA show tonight

And I told her to h'ABBA good time.



Submitted August 27, 2015 at 12:20PM by epixxfish

I shoved grapes up my girlfriends bum during a bit of kinky sex last night

She never screamed or nothing she just gave out a little wine...



Submitted August 27, 2015 at 10:36AM by USBCABLEGUY

Every time walking through Downtown Disney...

...my friend and I would pass La Brea Bakery.

"Looks like they forgot the D."



Submitted August 27, 2015 at 11:49AM by CrimsonKing1990

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. One is from Chicago, another is from Tennessee, and the third is from Minnesota. All three go with a White House official to examine the fence.....>

The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900. $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me." The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700. $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me." The Chicago contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700." The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?" The Chicago contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence." "Done!" replies the government official. And that, my friends, is how the new stimulus plan will work



Submitted August 27, 2015 at 12:37AM by divasadmin

What kind of doctor fixes websites?

A URLologist.



Submitted August 27, 2015 at 11:04AM by itsdrivingmenuts

I was going to challenge my friend to a competition to see who blinked first, but then I fell down a flight of steps.

It wasn't the kind of stairdown I had in mind.



Submitted August 27, 2015 at 11:18AM by k-smackerel

- Dad, are mermaids fish or women?

-It depends on if you are horny or hungry.



Submitted August 27, 2015 at 09:42AM by racist-hotdog

(True) My grandfather and I were passing a graveyard in the car.

GF: "Minnie's buried there."

me: "Minnie who?"

GF: "Minnie people."



Submitted August 27, 2015 at 10:44AM by k-smackerel

An Italian and a Greek get in a fight over sex

Greek: the Greeks invented sex centuries before the Italians!

Italians: maybe so but we improved on it by introducing it to women!



Submitted August 27, 2015 at 08:29AM by bobrossthemobboss

If you are a dad and your name is Jay...

your son needs to be named Jason.



Submitted August 27, 2015 at 10:16AM by Jalian174

I once photographed a track team practice for the high school yearbook.

I guess you could call it timed laps photography.



Submitted August 27, 2015 at 09:59AM by k-smackerel

I went to a support group for premature ejaculation yesterday.

I wasn't sure what to wear, so I came in my pants.



Submitted August 27, 2015 at 07:13AM by stevenmc

I had a flashback at a Peanuts cartoon convention.

There was Charlie everywhere. (sorry)



Submitted August 27, 2015 at 08:21AM by k-smackerel

I'm throwing a party for people who can't ejaculate

Let me know if you can come or not



Submitted August 27, 2015 at 07:33AM by BigbirdSalsa

Volcano jokes magma lava my ash off.

No text found

Submitted August 27, 2015 at 08:06AM by k-smackerel

Are you an angle?

Because damn you're acute.



Submitted August 27, 2015 at 12:38AM by cosmonk_

Is it wrong to hate a certain race?

I dont mind doing a 5km but I cant be fucked doing a 10km run



Submitted August 27, 2015 at 12:31AM by 6ft5

I'm planning on sending an incredibly groan inducing dad joke to a friend every day for a couple weeks. Suggestions? The cornier the better.

No text found

Submitted August 27, 2015 at 02:37AM by Dimentioze

Wednesday, August 26, 2015

My neighbor knocked on my door at 3am!!!! 3 in the morning can you believe that?!

Luckily, I was still awake playing my drums.



Submitted August 26, 2015 at 11:35PM by villageelliot

My wife told me I should get up and do things instead of watching TV all day...

I told her I understand.



Submitted August 27, 2015 at 12:29AM by Tamer_

Condoms

1272AD - Arab Muslims invent the first condoms using the lower intestine of goats.

1856AD - English farmers improve on the idea by first removing the intestine from the goat.



Submitted August 26, 2015 at 10:50PM by redbeardsask

What does the RCAF call their best pilots?

Their ehces!



Submitted August 26, 2015 at 11:18PM by Grilled_Pear

Did you know my computer can sing?

It's Adele.



Submitted August 26, 2015 at 10:16PM by acamu5x