"Hey dad I have something to tell you.."
"What is it?"
"Um.. I got my girlfriend pregnant.. I'm gonna be a dad!"
"Wow son, I'm shocked!"
"Hello shocked, I'm son!"
Submitted August 01, 2015 at 02:29AM by r17_
"Hey dad I have something to tell you.."
"What is it?"
"Um.. I got my girlfriend pregnant.. I'm gonna be a dad!"
"Wow son, I'm shocked!"
"Hello shocked, I'm son!"
A lonely widow, age 70, decided that it was time to get married again. She put an ad in the local paper that read: HUSBAND WANTED: MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's), MUST NOT BEAT ME, RUN AROUND ON ME, AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED! ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.
On the second day, she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a grey-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair. He had no arms or legs. The old woman said, "You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you...you have no legs!" The old man smiled, "Therefore, I cannot run around on you!" She snorted.
"You don't have any arms either!" Again, the old man smiled, "Therefore, I can never beat you!" She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, "Are you still good in bed???" The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said.... "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"
She was tired of getting beaten all the time, and he was jealous of all my money and property. I was so upset when I found out, that I flipped the game board over and left them to pick up all the pieces.
"Dad, my girlfriend's pregnant."
"I'm not mad just disappointed."
"Hi disappointed, I'm dad."
"Did you jus..."
"I'm not ready, I just told you that I'm dad."
I told him "You'll be an astronomer overnight!"
My wife was cooking spaghetti and went to make some garlic bread and realized all we had was wheat bread and naan. She asked if I would be okay with the naan as the garlic bread, and I told her, "I think it'll be a naan-issue."
It had great food and all, but it had no atmosphere...
Brief preface: I work in the entomology lab at my alma mater. A colleague and I had to pick up some beetles from another university on our way to another destination.
Me: Yeah, so, on our way there, we have to swing by UA and pick up those beetles.
Him: Oh, which ones? Paul, Ringo, both?
A knife has a point.
They're expecting a Lil Wayne.
I can get through one of his skits without laughing
I was in Reno/Sparks the other day and I was walking around the Victorian Plaza near the Nugget Hotel. For people who have never been, many things are named after this plaza, including a salon and several other businesses.
Anyway, I walked past a motel called "Victorian Inn", and I thought "Why not just call it "Victori-inn"
So I called my girlfriend to tell her and she stayed silent for a few seconds and just said "No...Just no"
...Well I thought it was pretty clever.
You may think that a burnt out bulb needs to change just because the room is too dark for you to see anything, so it must be changed, but I don't care, it's beautiful, you should respect its right to be burnt out and learn to be more accepting of darker rooms, check your filament privileges you ableist scum. Anyone who disagrees with this is a burnt-out-bulbophobe and a darknessphobe. Thanks for being so understanding.
A man strides into a bar, grinning from ear to ear. He sets down at the bar and orders a beer. "In fact, make that a round on the house."
The bar cheers, and the bartender brings him his drink, he asks, "So, why the celebration?"
"I am reinventing myself! A new man! Just a month ago, I was miserable. But then..." He laughs. "Then my life changed! I had to put it all behind me. I always wanted to live in California, so I sold everything I had, broke my lease, and moved here. I got an apartment right over there across from the bar, and just today I landed my dream job." He drains half his beer, "Life is GREAT!"
The bartender stands back and beams, hands on his hips, sharing the man's joy, "That's great man...y'know, most guys would not have the balls to pack up and leave like that."
At that, the man lets out a peal of laughter, spilling his beer and nearly falling off his stool. "And that's the kicker! I don't have ANY balls! None at all!" As you might expect, the bartender looked confused. The man leans over the bar. "You see, starting about 10 years ago, I started getting terrible headaches. I mean they were crippling, man. Couldn't sleep. Couldn't eat, Couldn't work...hell, sometimes I could barely walk. And they just kept getting worse. I finally found a doc that found the problem....turns out it was something with my balls, pressing into the base of my spine. The pressure was causing the headaches. I mean...it was a hard decision...but the headaches were ruining my life. I was damn near suicidal. So...well...off they came. And now I'm completely reinventing myself. Next step, get a new wardrobe." He holds up his glass in a toast and drains it, waggling for another as he swallows.
The bartender's jaw has dropped. "That...that's incredible." He turns to fill the glass and looks up as the beer pours in. "Hey...y'know... I think I can set you up." he looks up over the bar and scans around. He quickly sees who he's looking for. "Barry! Hey Barry, get over here...this man needs a new suit." He looks back to the new customer. "This guy's amazing, totally old school. Can size a guy just by looking at him. Makes all of his suits himself, and I'll get him to cut you a deal."
Up walks a thin, bespectacled, immaculately dressed elderly man. He approaches the bar, "Yes?", he says in a clipped voice.
"Got a customer for ya, Barry. Treat him nice, he's been through a lot."
"Ah! You are wanting a new suit?" He looks the man up and down. He pulls his spectacles down on his nose. "A...reinvention of yourself?"
Then man beams, "Yes! Exactly! new job, new city, new friends...and now I need a new suit."
"Hmmm...collar is 15, yes?"
"42 long jacket feels to long, 42 feels too short, yes?"
"I will cut it custom for you. Tall and slender...waist 32..inseam 34..."
"Ah...you got the waist right, but I'm a 32 inseam. Always have been."
Barry waves his hand dismissively and continues his examination. "No...no..you are are a 34 inseam. 32 is too short. A 32 would push your balls right up into your spine. Give you one hell of a headache."
A US marine walked the entire length of the train, looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a poodle, owned by a well dressed, middle-aged, French Woman.
The war-weary Marine asked, 'Ma'am, may i have that seat ?'
The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular, 'Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat.'
The Marine walked the length of the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog. 'Please, ma'am. May I sit down ? i'm very tired.'
She snorted, 'Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!'
This time the Marine didnt say a word; he just picked up the little dog. threw it out of the train window, and sat down.
The woman shrieked, 'Someone must defend my honor! This American should be put in his place.'
An Englishman sitting nearby spoke up, 'Sir, you Americans often seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong things, you live on the wrong side of the Ocean. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window.'
He was talking about my best planking times (because he likes to keep me athletic) while looking through a record of my planking times, and believed that I could have worked for a longer duration on one session.
I said, " Yeah, I just got bored."
He retorted, "You didn't get board, you got plank."
The student comes up to the professor, "What is this, why did you grade me an 80?"
The professor looks at the exam again, "Yep, an 80 is what you deserve"
The student takes the exam back, and asks "If I'll bite my own eye, will you give me an 85?" The professor is surprised, but still he agrees, at which point the student then takes out his glass eye - and bites it.
The shocked professor then takes the exam back, and marks it 85. The student then says "If I'll bite my nose, will you give me a 90?" The professor is once again shocked, "He can't pull out his nose" he thinks to himself. He finally agrees, at which point the student takes out his dentures, and bites his own nose.
The professor then once again takes the exam, and marks the grade 90.
The student then makes another offer: "If I'll get up on this table, and pee the perfume Coco Chanel on you, will you give me a 100?"
The professor now has to see what this kid can do, so he agrees. The student goes on the table, and pees all over the professor, the professor's shirt is soaking wet, as he goes to to sniff it. "What the hell?! This isn't Coco Chanel! This is piss!"
The student then goes "Fine, we'll leave it at 90".
a woman wont accept a 3 1/2 inch floppy.
He didn't knead the dough anymore.
Me: "Tell me a Joke"
Cortana: "Why did the chicken cross the road, roll around in the mud, then cross the road again? Because he was a dirty double crosser"
Me: Groan "Tell me a Good Joke."
Cortana: "There are two types of people in the world: Those who need closure"
When it's ajar. Now get in the car. We're late.
Also, instead of saying "yes" or "no", my dad would say "Does Dolly Parton sleep on her back?" and "Does a snake have armpits?"
If I was standing in between him and the nearest Bruins game, I'd here: "Hey Kleeb, you're a better door than a window, even though you're a pain."
They all look worn out so the bartender asks them why they look so beat.
The Cowardly Lion goes first and says, "Man, you have no idea what I went through just to get courage."
Aslan then chimes in quickly after that and says, "Nonsense, you have no idea what I went through just to get Narnia united."
There's a pause so they all look at Cecil. He raises his eyes from his drink and quietly says, "Oh yeah? You have no idea what I went through just to get a cavity filled."
He said, "What are you doing daddy?"
"It's called wanking," I replied. "You'll be doing this soon."
"Why, daddy?" he asked.
"Because my arm is fucking killing me."
A little boy walks in on his parents having sex. The dad, all flustered, tries to explain to him what was going on. -Well, you know how you've always wanted a little brother?....that's what I was doing with mommy. I was putting your little brother inside mommy. The little guy seems content with the explanation, and the dad is quite proud of himself for having thought of it. A couple of weeks later, the dad comes home from work to find the little boy crying on the front steps. -What's wrong buddy...why're you crying? -My baby brother. -What about him? -The mailman came by today....AND ATE HIIIIMM!!
One's a crusty bus station, and the other's a busty crustacean.
My dad was driving, I was in the passenger seat. It was a long drive, so I took a little nap. When I woke up:
Dad:"Did you have a good nap?"
An eleven year old boy comes home from school and tells his Dad, "Dad, I keep hearing the boys at school use the bad words Pussy and Cunt but I don't know what the difference is."
Dad: "Go get that Penthouse magazine in my nightstand and I'll show you."
The boy runs off to get the magazine and returns breathless.
Dad: Opens the magazine to a picture of a nude woman lying on a bed and draws a circle around the Pussy with his pen. "Son, you see that circle? Everything inside that circle is the Pussy."
Son: "So what is a Cunt then?"
Dad: "Everything outside the circle."
Coworker: "Nah, how you gonna prove it?"
Me: "Easy, I have it here on tape!"
I've been browsing it all day and annoying my family by reading every post out to them.
After enough torture the app stopped working.
I told them "Aww the app crashed...
I guess it wasn't a very good driver."
The doctors save his life, but he loses one eye. Before a nice glass one can be fitted, he is temporarily given a wooden eye.
The man becomes very depressed because of his eye loss and sits at home, moping around. Eventually his friends come over and drag him out to a bar to try and cheer him up. While at the bar, he's still just sitting there looking depressed, not really talking. One of his friends suggests he tries to talk to a cute girl who seems alone at the bar.
"No, she'll never go for a man with a wooden eye," the man says.
"Okay, how about that girl over there?" His friend responds. "She has a really big nose".
The man walks over to the girl and asks, "Would you like to dance?"
Very excited, and shocked, to be asked to dance by such an attractive man, the woman responses "Would, I?! Would I?!"
To which the man quickly responds "Big nose! Big nose!"
A skeleton crew.
A wife, being the romantic sort, sent her husband a text: "If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you!" The husband, typically non-romantic, replied: "I am on the toilet. Please advise."
When people asked him why, he answered: i'm smoking one for myself and one for my brother in jail.
One day he was smoking only one, so people gladly asked "is your brother out of jail?" He answered: "no, I quit"
He lays awake at night wondering if there is a dog.
When the guy starts farting nonstop.
The girl, unable to take the smell, says, "Stop, that's disgusting!"
"Don't blame me", the guy says. "It's the dog."
"Oh, don't blame him", she says. "He was cooked perfectly."
So, I'm at the counter in a liquor store, where I see that the cashier is wearing a mock Sons of Anarchy shirt that says, "Sloths of Anarchy" and has a sloth as the logo. As he's ringing me up, I'm trying to think of the perfect way to compliment his shirt. AHA! THIS WILL BE PERFECT
He hands me my receipt and I say, "Hey man, I like the shirt" falling for my trap he replies, "Oh thanks dude, do you watch the show?" My genius reply:
"Yeah I did, but it was kinda slow"
He doesn't even notice and continues to ask if I watched the whole thing. Maybe the world isn't ready for my dad jokes.
Police officer came and asked him what is he doing..
man: I am selling apple seeds which make you smarter if you eat them.
PO: Really? do they really work?
man: well buy some and try...
PO: okay, give me 5 seeds
man: That is 10$ sir
PO gave man the money and ate the seeds and 2 min after that he said:
PO: wait a minute, I could have bought like 10 apples for that money and get like 20-30 seeds.....
man: see they already work :)
PO: Wow, give me 5 more!
Sry for bad english
They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks "What's are these, dad?" To which the man matter-of-factly replies "Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex". "Oh I see" replied the boys pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school".
He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks "Why are there 3 in this package?" The dad replies "Those are for high-school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday". "Cool!" says the boy.
He notices a 6-pack and asks "Then who are these for?" "Those are for college men" The dad answers "TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday". "WOW!" exclaimed the boy.
"Then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12-pack. With a sigh, the dad replied "Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March..."
So a Japanese company and a North American company decided to have a canoe race on the St. Lawrence River. Both teams practiced long and hard to reach their peak performance before the race.
On the big day, the Japanese won by a mile. The North Americans, very discouraged and depressed, decided to investigate the reason for the crushing defeat.
A management team made up of senior management was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action. Their conclusion was the Japanese had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, while the North American team had 8 people steering and 1 person rowing. So, North American management hired a consulting company and paid them a large amount of money for a second opinion.
They advised that too many people were steering the boat, while not enough people were rowing.
To prevent another loss to the Japanese, the rowing team’s management structure was totally reorganized to 4 steering supervisors, 3 area steering superintendents and 1 assistant superintendent steering manager. They also implemented a new performance system that would give the 1 person rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder.
It was called the"Rowing Team Quality First Program“, with meetings, dinners and free pens for the rower. There was discussion of getting new paddles, canoes and other equipment, extra vacation days for practices, and bonuses.
The next year the Japanese won by two miles. Humiliated, the North American management laid off the rower for poor performance, halted development of a new canoe, sold the paddles, and canceled all capital investments in new equipment. The money saved was distributed to the Senior Executives as bonuses and the next year’s racing team was outsourced to India.
Strolls up to the bartender and says 'Pint of lager please mate'
Bartender looks the Ham Sandwich up and down and says 'Sorry mate, we don't serve food here'
Hose A, and Hose B.
The girl decides it would be nice of her to give the guy a blowjob. They both agree. She starts to take off his pants, but before she gets past his underwear the girl looks up and says"Is it true what they say about Asian guys?" and he turns to her and says" Sadly it is." then he crashes the car and they both die.