Thursday, December 31, 2015
I had to put my foot down
Submitted December 31, 2015 at 03:38PM by supermeatboy89
So the kid just got of school and he got into the car with his mom. The mom asks, "What did you do at school today?" The kid replies, "I had sex with the teacher." The mom was furious so when they got home, she told him to go to his room and wait for his father to come home. Well the father came home from work a couple hours later and the mother told him what their son said. The dad walks up to his sons room and says, "Son, I'm proud of you. I'm going to buy you a new bike." Later that day they got the bike and the father asks, "Would you like to try it out?" The son replies, "Not now. My butt still hurts."
Submitted December 31, 2015 at 07:11PM by Zockman175
They come across a very deep hole and one hunter says to the other "How deep is that?" They both find a rusty anvil and throw it in. The anvil falls so far that the hunters don't hear it hit the bottom but then they see a goat sprinting past them and jump into the hole. They stand by the hole thinking about what just happened until a farmer comes along. The farmer says "Have you seen my goat Becky?" The hunters reply, "Yeah, it ran passed us and jumped into that hole." The farmer says, "That's impossible. She couldn't have done that, she was chained to an anvil."
Submitted December 31, 2015 at 05:25PM by fastovich1995
"Over there next to mine" was not the answer I expected.
Submitted December 31, 2015 at 03:35PM by Darmok_At_Tanagra
My Dad "Michigander 13, we have a 3/4 drunk Gatorade bottle and a 1/2 drunk pop bottle on the counter what are we doing with them?"
Me "Well what are they doing getting drunk?!"
My mom laughed, I laughed, my dad just sat there. Not laughing. Is he a true dad?
Submitted December 31, 2015 at 05:49PM by Michigander13
Wife is baking, and I got kicked out of the kitchen.
"You know what you have in common with this sugar? You're super fine."
"Want me to stand next to them when they come out of the oven? I'll make them cool."
"Wow; that batter changed like me from high school to college. It got smooth."
Submitted December 31, 2015 at 04:58PM by Sully1102
My first thought was, "why is that not the goal for every day?" When I asked OK but why, her response was, "We can't let the last day of the year end without a bang!"
Submitted December 31, 2015 at 03:59PM by DigitiQuinti
He asks the clerk, 'What's with that guy?'
Clerk says, 'He came in with a bad cough and asked me for cough medicine. We were out of cough medicine, so I gave him a whole bottle of laxative instead.'
The guy says, 'What?! You can't treat a cough with laxative!'
The clerk replies, 'Of course you can! Look at him. He's afraid to cough!'
Submitted December 31, 2015 at 12:58PM by addooolookabird
One will see you after a while, and the other will see you later.
Submitted December 31, 2015 at 11:26AM by ChrisLW
Don't worry though, he's 0K.
Submitted December 31, 2015 at 02:21PM by TheGrandMaestro
Submitted December 31, 2015 at 01:03PM by sizeablepain
There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady, who was trying to exchange yen for dollars. It was obvious she was a little irritated. She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla of yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?" The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations." The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too!"
Submitted December 31, 2015 at 11:21AM by BeautySmooch
During a funeral, the pallbearers accidentally bump into a wall and hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find out that the woman is actually alive.
She lives for 10 more years and then dies. There is another funeral for her. At the end of the service, the pallbearers carry out the casket.
As they are walking out, the husband cries out, "Watch out for the wall!"
Submitted December 31, 2015 at 08:48AM by chewymacaroni
Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!" The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!"
Submitted December 31, 2015 at 06:16AM by aladdinfunhouse
i have no shame.
Submitted December 31, 2015 at 05:53AM by PM_ME_DEINE_BOOTY
And asks 'where's ya bin mate' The guy answers 'I bin watching TV!' The Ozzie asks 'na mate where's ya wheelie bin' The guy hangs his head and says 'I wheelie been wanking'
Submitted December 31, 2015 at 03:55AM by Cheeseburgerbanter
because it was easier than making phone calls?
Submitted December 31, 2015 at 01:13AM by JayNotAtAll
Wednesday, December 30, 2015
So he can fit into his spaceship.
Submitted December 31, 2015 at 02:04AM by Zombie_Aficionado
Submitted December 30, 2015 at 08:59PM by SteelmanMi
"I pity the stool."
Submitted December 30, 2015 at 10:33PM by Castamundo
I was in the supermarket when I got a message on my phone telling me there were 24 singles in my area
Think I'm going to delete the Kraft Cheese app.
Submitted December 30, 2015 at 07:58PM by katherineboo525
Dad: If she needs the car, maybe you should drive there.
Submitted December 30, 2015 at 11:08PM by mikesanerd
What do women's panties and nail polish have in common?
They both come off with alcohol.
Edit: I am embarrassed but will let this post be at least for its educational value.
Submitted December 30, 2015 at 09:24PM by voracread
A drunk drives right through a stop sign, a stoner waits for it to turn green.
Submitted December 30, 2015 at 07:19PM by shmag18
Submitted December 30, 2015 at 04:59PM by escherbach
Me: "Dad, I donated blood yesterday, do you know what my blood type is?"
Dad: "well... I'm B, and your mom is O, so you must be BO"
Mom: " ... he has been waiting 22 years for you to ask that"
Submitted December 30, 2015 at 07:49PM by noremac113
My great aunt died recently. My mom called and told me at school. I guess my aunt had fallen asleep on the couch and never woke up. She had an enlarged heart, the doctors said, and it gave out on her while she was sleeping.
I didn't really know my aunt, but my mom grew up with her. So I asked my mom if she was okay.
"Yeah I'm okay," she said. "I will miss her, but she died peacefully. She was a good woman. She had a really big heart."
Submitted December 30, 2015 at 05:08PM by geekcheese
Submitted December 30, 2015 at 04:50PM by ImSomebodyNow
He walks over to her and says, "Wow, nice legs!" She is flattered and replies, "You really think so?" The man says, "Oh definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."
Submitted December 30, 2015 at 12:26PM by BeautySmooch
We were collecting all the left over currency we had and giving it to my father so he could store it. My sister mentioned she had a few coins. My father said he didn't want any cents, just franks. My sister replies: But don't you want frankincense? (frank an' cents)
Submitted December 30, 2015 at 02:54PM by therealcardshark
A blind man walks into a bar. He orders a drink and relaxes. Later, he yells to the bartender, "Hey! Wanna hear a blonde joke?" The bar is now silent. The man next to the blind man says to him, "I don't think you should tell that joke. That bartender is blond, the person sitting next to you is a professional MMA fighter, I'm blonde and I am 6'5'' and weigh 200 pounds, and the bouncer outside is also blonde. Now, do you really want to tell that blonde joke anymore?" The blind man replies, "No, not if I have to explain it to 4 different people."
Submitted December 30, 2015 at 09:52AM by Skyarus
My wife called me to tell me a "insert big national bug killing company" (starts with a T, ends with an X) came out today. She said they told her it was every other month and not quarterly like they came.
I said "well, we don't want them bugging us too much"
Submitted December 30, 2015 at 12:50PM by Pacers31Colts18
and told me that he and his buddies built and a snowman and named him "Juan". I asked him if they built multiple snowmen. "No," he said. To which I replied, "So, you only built Juan?" Rinse and repeat until he got the joke.
Submitted December 30, 2015 at 12:57PM by RickShaw530
...when the priest sees a boy across the way.
The priest turns to the rabbi and says, "Let's go over there and screw that boy!"
The rabbi looks the boy over and says to the priest, "out of what?"
Submitted December 30, 2015 at 11:31AM by Factushima
Back before the world was supposed to end on Dec. 21st, 2012 a friend, and employee, of my fathers was certain the world would end. He quit his job, built a bomb shelter, and stocked it with enough canned food and guns for years.
When the world didn't end he called up my dad all pissed off that he wasted all his money on this stuff and he didn't need it, and my dads response:
"Hey man, just relax, it's not the end of the world."
Submitted December 30, 2015 at 12:36PM by Great_SaiyaMan
A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head.
The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, ''Shut up...you're next!''
Submitted December 30, 2015 at 08:35AM by thumbsuped
I hear he was soda pressed
Submitted December 30, 2015 at 10:45AM by Mrrage34
My dad and I were talking about the civil war and the use of slaves and the freedom movement and the such a while ago, (he's a history teacher at the local high school). "Dancing Queen" came on the radio and he leaned over and said, "do you know what people who like this band should be called? Abba-listen-ists" and laughed by himself for a solid minute.
Submitted December 30, 2015 at 03:13AM by fastersnail
Recently, I was on vacation and at a beach and a father and his kids were playing catch in the water next to me.
This kid who had to be about six or seven yells out, "dad, I'm going to try some trash talk. Ready? Your skills are as rusty as a tin can! Get it dad? trash talk?"
I was dying. That kid is going to make a great dad.
Submitted December 30, 2015 at 07:17AM by magikot
decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?" The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a porch, it's a Ferrari."
Submitted December 30, 2015 at 02:15AM by BeautySmooch
My son was playing with his teenage mutant ninja turtle action figures, and was making them fight each other. Me: "Where are their weapons? Are they just fighting with their bare hands?" Son: "No, they are fighting with their turtle hands." Doesn't have a clue why I was laughing so hard. Edit: mutant added** Edit 2: to those who are telling me it's not a joke, because my son doesn't understand the English language. WOW, you're right! I hadn't thought of that. I really thought he got me, but you have changed everything! My 4 year old son doesn't know the word "bare", or sarcasm yet. Please stop PMing me that now. Thank you.
Submitted December 30, 2015 at 07:13AM by maddysaddy
I work at a grocery store produce department. Today there was some misplaced cheese in a cooler. I saw it was sharp provolone. I took it to the deli lady and once she read it I said "be careful, it's sharp."
Submitted December 30, 2015 at 02:41AM by xxyyzz_pnw
A while back my six year old niece got me with a dad joke and she wasn't even in the room at the time!
One day a while back I was at my sisters. I was talking to my niece and I complimented her because, for once, she wasn't being a cunt. You have no idea how much this kid usually deserves a punch in the teeth! As a guide; she once threw the cat down to the landing in the middle of the stairs because she heard cat's always land on their feet and wanted to see if it was true. No, she doesn't have "needs" We had her checked and apparently she is just "seeking attention" (even though she wants for nothing)
Any way... The moment I complimented her she ran off crying. (WTF?!)
A few moments later my sister comes in saying "What the f*ck did you tell her she looked like a cow for?!"
It took a moment but it finally hit me; The last thing I said to her before she ran off...:
"NO! No... I said she was likable... Not like a bull."
Laughs all round...
Then one grounded kid.
Submitted December 30, 2015 at 05:30AM by freenarative
A nurse came up to the man and said, 'You have a girl, but there's another one on the way, so come back soon.'
'Twins,' he thought, a little shakily. He went away and came back an hour later to be told that the second baby had been born, but there was still another on the way.
'Good grief,' he thought.
He went to the pub down the street, and after a beer he phoned in and was told a fourth one was on the way. He started to drown his sorrows. A few stiff whiskies later he called the hospital again, but was so drunk he dialled the wrong number - and got the recorded cricket score. Crying in agony, he collapsed on the floor, a poor, devastated, shuddering and weeping mess.
As the barman struggled to pick him up, he heard the voice from the phone say, 'The score is 88 all out. And the last one was a duck.'
Submitted December 29, 2015 at 09:01PM by KerbalDeadlock152
Tuesday, December 29, 2015
He asked me which one
Submitted December 29, 2015 at 10:43PM by restinpiecesMXE
Me asking the best spot to put the delicate flan in the car for the trip to my Grandparent's house for Christmas Eve dinner - "Should I just keep this between us?" referring to placing the flan between my boyfriend and I in the back seat
Stepdad - "Well I think we should at least tell your mother."
I really set him up for that one.
Submitted December 29, 2015 at 10:24PM by fullmetalretard666
So my girlfriend and I were talking about our plans for New Years Eve, and she sarcastically said, "We're going to have sex and we're both going to finish right as the new year hits." So I said back "I guess we'll call it 'the stroke of midnight."
Submitted December 29, 2015 at 10:09PM by straightouttamymom
*throwaway account, I feel weird telling a story about a family member
This isn't really a joke, but a story my family tells in humor. Kind of sad, but it's a testament to my uncle's personality. A few years ago, my uncle's health deteriorated rapidly over the course of a month for multiple medical reasons. He was old, and despite treatment, we knew our time with him was short. He was sleeping in a hospital bed, his son beside him. My uncle wakes up, looking around the room:
Uncle: "Am I dead?"
Son: "No, Dad."
Uncle: "SHIT" falls back asleep
He passed away 30 minutes later in his sleep. RIP, you were a good guy
Submitted December 29, 2015 at 10:10PM by srf_returns
Handing over to the next team of doctors after a long shift on the intensive care unit. We were sitting in the handover room discussing the strange case of one of the patients who had vomited violently after eating a sausage at a barbecue, and ruptured her gut.
My diagnosis: "You could say she took a turn for the würst..."
Was instructed by my boss that I needed to get gender reassignment surgery and start having some kids if I was going to go pulling that kind of dad shit.
Submitted December 29, 2015 at 09:25PM by hushmoney
Not 6. My basement is still dark.
Submitted December 29, 2015 at 07:57PM by ghostofdevinbrown
"A young man with his pants hanging half off his rear, two gold front teeth, and a half inch thick gold chain around his neck, walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.
He marched up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job. I don't like taking advantage of the system, getting something for nothing."
The social worker behind the counter said "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2014 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes."
"Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say, but you will also have, as part of your job, the assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive."
The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bull-shittin' me!" The social worker said, "Yeah, well . . . You started it . . . . “
Submitted December 29, 2015 at 05:59PM by Baym-n
because nobody expected you.
Submitted December 29, 2015 at 07:03PM by ajr30
When I went to college the dorm had a maid who told us, "Pick your clothes up off the floor, I'm not your mother."
Submitted December 29, 2015 at 04:40PM by OLOTM
So we were picking something from the TV guide after we'd finished watching a film and say to my dad, cause there was nothing good to put on, "Well? Well? WELL?" And the bastard replies, "A large hole, with water at the bottom." I tried so hard not to laugh, but he got me and it was pretty funny, unfortunately.
Submitted December 29, 2015 at 03:55PM by Rango18
Uncle instantly replies "Half as long as it'd take to cook a full one". Mom groans, I'm cracking up.
Submitted December 29, 2015 at 02:56PM by CaliKingHockey
So we went through the drive through, and when we were handed our food, we realized that we all had gotten large fries instead of the regular medium size...
Dad- what is it...large fry day?
Me- no dad, it's Tuesday, not Friday.
Submitted December 29, 2015 at 02:37PM by OverTheAir7149
One day, Jane decides to teach Tarzan about sex. As she is giving him the basics, Tarzan goes: "Oh, Tarzan know sex. Tarzan sometimes do with hole in tree" Horrified, Jane goes: "My word, Tarzan, no, that's so terribly wrong. Here," she lays down on her back and opens her legs "You have to put it in here." Tarzan takes off his loincloth, walks up to Jane and - BAM - kicks her as hard as he can, right in the snatch. Jane proceeds to roll around on the ground in agony. Finally, once she is able to draw breath, she goes "Dear God, what the hell did you do that for?" With a huge grin, he replies "Tarzan not stupid. Always check for bees first"
Submitted December 29, 2015 at 12:54PM by TonysAlterEgo
I was talking about their wedding last August. Apparently, it was the first time my dad heard me talk about them (or at least paid attention).
Dad: If you say Taylor and Taylor real quick, does that make it... sly grin ...Taylor Swift?
Mom and I: OH MY GOD.
Dad: You called?
Submitted December 29, 2015 at 02:09PM by ShellzNCheez
She says, "My mom died." He told her to go home, but she said, "No, I'll be fine." Later that day, her boss finds her crying again. He says, "What's wrong?" She replies, "I just talked to my sister, and her mom died, too!"
Submitted December 29, 2015 at 12:25PM by Mightyspider300
Submitted December 29, 2015 at 01:13PM by elmonoenano
Whenever someone comes into the house my dad asks
"Hey, ______, can I get you a drink or something to eat? I can open up a can of ribs." My dad thinks this is hilarious and usually ends up cracking himself up while our guest just stands there nervously laughing from confusion. It's a Woody Allen quote btw.
Another one is whenever someone asks what his occupation is: "Philanthropist"
"Yea. But I'm not a very good one"
Submitted December 29, 2015 at 12:50PM by insertnamehere255
And a ten year old boy answers the door wearing high heels, and a brown bra, smoking a cigar, and drinking scotch.
The salesman says, "woah. Hey, little fella'. Are you parents home?"
The boy answers, "what the fuck do you think?"
Submitted December 29, 2015 at 10:47AM by VictoriousPR
Pulled a pair of jeans out of the dryer, noticed the jingling and turned around to show my wife that the change didn't fall into the dryer for once. She replied, "why didn't you tell me we were laundering money?".
Submitted December 29, 2015 at 11:29AM by appBlu
My son was playing with his teenage ninja turtle action figures, and was making them fight each other.
Me: "Where are their weapons? Are they just fighting with their bare hands?"
Son: "No, they are fighting with their turtle hands."
Doesn't have a clue why I was laughing so hard.
Submitted December 29, 2015 at 09:27AM by MaynardJ222
The bistro's name is the Teggnician and when I asked about their recipes they got very teggnical about it.
Submitted December 29, 2015 at 10:17AM by lumni
I was in the kitchen eating cereal and my dad comes in just wearing a towel and he goes "Hiiyyaahhh!" While raising his one leg and says, "How do you like those nuts?" I'm still traumatised
Submitted December 29, 2015 at 10:42AM by enjoithelrg
[NSFW] Put the kids to bed last night and then pulled out some Nutella for naughty play with the boyfriend. Then he got me with this one...
"Wow, a full meal here: Meat (points to his meat), vegetaBALLS, and dessert!
Submitted December 29, 2015 at 09:01AM by theredstrokes
Husband asking the wife:
-Darling, do you want to come with me to the gym?
-Are you saying I'm fat??
-No, I was just thinking that we should maybe...
-Are you saying I'm lazy??
-No, no! Calm down, I didn't say that..
-Why, you think I'm hysterical??
-No, I wasn't saying that..
-So you are calling me a liar now??
-God no! You know what, I go alone then.
-Wait a minute! Why do you want to go alone!?
Submitted December 29, 2015 at 07:44AM by anag0
The server said that was a naan starter.
Submitted December 29, 2015 at 07:58AM by AJWILLIKERS
You could say he Rides the Lightning
Submitted December 29, 2015 at 06:55AM by Krabo
Don't go Russian into things.
Submitted December 29, 2015 at 06:38AM by Krabo
Regular sex can make your day. Anal sex can make your hole weak.
Submitted December 29, 2015 at 04:28AM by catson43
...He asked the bartender, "What are those for?" Bartender answers, "If you can slap a piece of meat, you get free drinks for an hour. If you can't, everyone's drinks are on you. Do you want to try it?"
He replies, "Nah, the steaks are too high."
Submitted December 29, 2015 at 05:04AM by vimesh
A blonde and her friend are lost in the forest. The friend goes out on the first night and comes back with a deer, killed with a primitive bow and arrow. "Wow!" the blonde exclaims, "How did you do that?!" The friend tried to keep it very simple for the blonde so she could understand. She replied, "I see deer tracks, I follow deer tracks. I see deer, I shoot deer." the blonde nodded in understanding. The next night, the blonde, feeling a thousand times smarter than she was before, volunteered to go hunting. When she returned, however, she was beaten up, scraped and bleeding. "What happened?!" the friend was worried. The blonde replied in a very agitated, upset tone. "I did what you said!" She screamed. "I see train tracks, I follow train tracks, I see train I shoot train!"
Submitted December 28, 2015 at 11:14PM by DibIy
Monday, December 28, 2015
Saturday, December 26, 2015
A blonde woman walks into a bank in NYC before going on vacation and asks for a $5,000 loan. The banker asks, "Okay, miss, is there anything you would like to use as collateral?" The woman says, "Yes, of course. I'll use my Rolls Royce." The banker, stunned, asks, "A $250,000 Rolls Royce? Really?" The woman is completely positive. She hands over the keys, as the bankers and loan officers laugh at her. They check her credentials, make sure she is the title owner. Everything checks out. They park it in their underground garage for two weeks. When she comes back, she pays off the $5,000 loan as well as the $15.41 interest. The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very appreciative of your business with us, but I have one question. We looked you up and found out that you are a multi-millionaire. Why would you want to borrow $5,000?" The woman replies, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"
Submitted December 27, 2015 at 12:06AM by hannibalsBFF
Friday, December 25, 2015
and stumbles straight into a baptism being performed on the river bank.
The priest asks the man, 'Are you ready to find Jesus?'
The drunk agrees, and the priest dunks him into the water. The drunk is gasping for air.
'Have you found Jesus, Brother?'
'No mate, I haven't'
The priest dunks him in again and pulls him back out. The drunk thrashes around for a bit.
'Now have you found Jesus?'
'Nah bro, I haven't.'
The priest rolls his eyes and dunks the drunk one more time, and pulls him back up violently.
'HAVE YOU FOUND JESUS YET?'
The drunk, near suffocation, replies, 'Are you sure this is where he fell in?'
Submitted December 25, 2015 at 11:56PM by KerbalDeadlock152
Thursday, December 24, 2015
...my dad says as we pass the exit sign for Shorter, AL.
Submitted December 24, 2015 at 11:50PM by dane83
Wednesday, December 23, 2015
I took a tour of a prison for poets, at the end the warden asked what I thought of it. I said it has its prose and cons.
Submitted December 23, 2015 at 10:21PM by FrenchFriedMushroom
While visiting a zoo, my mother remarked that 1-hump camels can't mate with 2-hump camels.
I responded: "So 1 hump + 2 humps = no humps?"
The women groaned, my son smiled, and my father just nodded approvingly.
Submitted December 23, 2015 at 08:47PM by the1jasontaylor
It was coming up to Christmas and a priest was going through the church after Mass. He saw a note in the pew. Curious, he picked it up and read, "Dear Jesus: I would really like a bike for Christmas. Love, Billy." The priest thought it was adorable, put it in his pocket and left.
The next Sunday, the same priest went through the church after Mass and saw a note in the pew. He picks it up, reads the note and it says, "Dear Jesus, I have been a very good boy and would like to have a bike for Christmas. Love, Billy." The priest is again moved, so he again puts the note in his pocket and leaves.
Christmas comes and after all the Masses, the priest is going through the church again. He looks around and he notices the statue of the Virgin Mary missing. He rushes over and finds a note on the pedestal. It says:
"Dear Jesus, If you want to see your mother again, you'll get me the bike I wanted for Christmas. Billy."
Submitted December 23, 2015 at 11:45PM by taocpa
I told her there was no fate cruller.
Submitted December 23, 2015 at 08:12PM by Xalwine
One’s a Goodyear. The other’s a great year.
Submitted December 23, 2015 at 08:07PM by redvelvetcape
And I replied "He doesn't look very free there on that plate"
Submitted December 23, 2015 at 05:43PM by pm_me_anythingg_sfw
Submitted December 23, 2015 at 06:54PM by Jozoguy29
So my gf got a haircut today and texted me about it. She was not ready for the following exchange.
gf: I don't know if I like my hair.
Me: Well I'm sure it'll...grow on you.
gf: That sounds like a dadjoke lol.
Me: But your dad didn't tell it!
gf: You're ridiculous
Me: No, I'm Freddie3.
She said I made her giggle so it was worth it.
Submitted December 23, 2015 at 04:49PM by Freddie3
None. That's a hardware problem.
Submitted December 23, 2015 at 12:16PM by Jack_Mackerel
My Dad was in the process of renting a car at the airport when the agent asked if he wanted to upgrade to Sirius™ radio. Without skipping a beat, my dad responded: "No thanks, I think we'll stick with the lighthearted radio today."
It went right over the agent's head.
Submitted December 23, 2015 at 02:52PM by _Surf_Ninja_
Banned from the petting zoo.
Submitted December 23, 2015 at 12:28PM by studlychris
It has a high turnover rate.
Submitted December 23, 2015 at 12:17PM by Odeventures
As we were looking across the creek in their backyard, my dad says "Marsh Cemetery is back over there. You have to be a Marsh to be buried there."
Me, "what if you're a swamp?"
Dad lightly chuckled.
Submitted December 23, 2015 at 01:35PM by sglider12
Mom and I, her 27-year-old son, had had an argument about my clothes. She pointed to a hole in my shirt and said, "There's a big hole in your shirt!"
I responded, "Yeah? Well there's a big hole in your face and dumb things keep coming out of it," pointing to her mouth.
Without a pause, she snaps back, "Not nearly as dumb as the thing that fell out of my other hole 27 years ago."
Submitted December 23, 2015 at 12:15PM by APairofDocks
I replied, "Usually next to the main course."
She was not amused. I giggled for 20 minutes. And texted several friends.
Submitted December 23, 2015 at 12:46PM by CapnShimmy
Submitted December 23, 2015 at 12:22PM by sangemini
It was a Wookie mistake
Submitted December 23, 2015 at 06:19AM by I_SAY_AWKWARD_WORDS
They questioned him over his criminal ties...
Submitted December 23, 2015 at 10:42AM by modestmunky
He felt his presents.
Submitted December 23, 2015 at 08:39AM by ginandbisquik
Submitted December 23, 2015 at 10:00AM by Dimpl3s
I'm getting a little tired of these people coming to my door telling me I need to be "saved" or "I'll burn"...
Submitted December 23, 2015 at 08:07AM by DoubleTri
A sweepaway camp.
Submitted December 23, 2015 at 08:50AM by yismeicha
"Because they were too deer."
Our entire staffing pool cringed.
Submitted December 23, 2015 at 09:00AM by Ross6505
One day a civil engineer dies and goes before St Peter. St Peter gravely tells him that he must go to Hell.
So the engineer goes to Hell, looks around and thinks: 'What a shithole. Who designed this place?' So he says 'Hey! Satan...'
A few years later, God discovers that the engineer was on the wrong list and should have been allowed entrance to Heaven. So God goes down to Satan and explains the situation to him, and demands the engineer back.
Satan laughs at God and says 'You want HIM back? No fucking way. Look at this place: since he arrived, we've got R/C Aircon, elevators and escalators so we don't have to climb the mountains, we've got water filtration, comfortable accommodation, 24-hour electricity, we've got a new hotel with a pool that has a bar in the middle of it, the lighting's great, the beer's on tap in public fountains. Why the heck would I give this guy back to you?
God says: 'Give him back, or I'll sue you.'
Satan just laughs and asks 'And where are YOU going to get a lawyer?'
Submitted December 23, 2015 at 07:24AM by Veganpuncher
Submitted December 23, 2015 at 06:46AM by a_fat_guy
it's called gluten tag.
I'll show myself out.
Submitted December 23, 2015 at 04:49AM by JaulDePaul
"I'm feeling a bit funny," my boyfriend complained.
"So tell a joke then!" I exclaimed.
Submitted December 23, 2015 at 02:38AM by popcornpause
Tuesday, December 22, 2015
I put my goods on the counter and he rings them up. He proceeds to tell me that the total is seven eleven ($7.11). I look at him sternly and reply, "no, this is Chevron". He wasn't nearly as amused as I was.
Submitted December 22, 2015 at 05:07PM by CaliKingHockey
Mark Hamill pulled JJ Abrams to the side and said "Can I have a word?"
Submitted December 22, 2015 at 09:18PM by davecm010
Sitting at the dinner table my son(4), says to my other younger son(3),
"I'm not hungry, I'm tired"
To which my youngest replies without skipping a beat,
"Hi tired, I'm Dylan"
I could cry.......
Submitted December 22, 2015 at 08:00PM by toonLogic
Went ice skating, she was wearing gloves that were meant to resemble Koala bears. I told her they wouldn't let her in if she was wearing them. She looked at me, bewildered.. so I informed her that her gloves didn't meet the koalifications.
Submitted December 22, 2015 at 05:08PM by clutchmasterflex
Today I was home, helping my sister out with her application while she was at school. I come to the strengths and weaknesses part. He looks at me with a straight face and says, "Michael, do not put odor under strengths". cracks big smile nostrils flare..... oh, dad.
Submitted December 22, 2015 at 06:15PM by JoshPecksLegs
...Bob quickly hopped over the fence and went into Tom's backyard to get his meal, but Tom walks outside and finds Bob trespassing.
"Hey, Bob! That duck is in MY property, and it is MINE."
"No way, Tom! I shot this duck fair and square. I shot it, so I eat it!"
"How about this," said Tom. "We both kick each other in the balls, back and forth, back and forth, and the first person to fall on the floor, loses, and has to give up the duck".
"That sounds reasonable. I have a high pain tolerance! Hit me with your best shot!" yelled Bob.
BOOM, Tom kicks Bob as hard as he can in the balls. Bob yells in pain, but he is still standing.
"Alright, so you kicked me in the balls, now it's my turn!" exclaimed Bob.
"Nah, man, it's cool, you can keep the duck."
Submitted December 22, 2015 at 02:14PM by falcon784818
it's called gluten tag.
I'll show myself out.
Submitted December 22, 2015 at 01:19PM by nwolf51
My daughter: Dad, are you hungry?
Me: No, I'm not hungry. Are you hungry?
My daughter: No, I'm Lydia.
Submitted December 22, 2015 at 02:36PM by spaceman
Sitting around the dinner table the other night...
Little Sister: Belly buttons are weird.
Me: At least you and I have innies, Middle Sister has an outie, gross.
Little Sister: No, she has an innie too!
Little Sister: Dad, does Middle Sister have an innie or an outie?
Dad: ... I thought she had a Mazda...
Submitted December 22, 2015 at 01:24PM by athennna
Since seven was a child, he has always been a prime number. He excelled at everything he did, but he was kind of odd. Seven was very vengeful and quick to anger. Even though he was popular and well praised, he couldn't stand the sight of six, who was well rounded and has a good circle of tight friends.
When prom came, seven was alone and bitter. Of all his achievements, not one helped him land a date. Then six came in with his +1. Filled to the brim with jealousy, seven spread rumors that 6 and 9 were performing unspeakable acts. Six was alone again.
While walking to class, six saw seven with six's former +1 and averted his eyes. As they passed by eachother, seven whispered into six's ear "now, we're even".
Submitted December 22, 2015 at 12:08PM by ImTrulyAwesome
Four men went golfing together one day; three headed to the first tee and one went into the club house to take care of the bill. The three men started talking, bragging about their sons. The first man told the others, “My son is a home builder and he’s so successful that he gave a friend a new home – for free.”
The second man said, “My son was a car salesman and now he owns a multi-line dealership. He’’s so successful that he gave a friend two Cadillacs.”
The third man, not wanting to be outdone bragged, “My son is a stock broker and he’s doing so well that he gave his friend an entire stock portfolio.”
The fourth man joined them on the tee after a few minutes of taking care of business. The first man mentioned, “We were just talking about our sons. How is yours doing?” The fourth man replied, “Well, my son is a gay prostitute. I’m not totally thrilled about it, but he must be damn good. Just In the last year his best clients gave him a house, two cars, and a stock portfolio.”
Submitted December 22, 2015 at 11:14AM by mindtrapped
We where at Safeway in the produce section my wife was looking at something random and i noticed the produce misters came on. I Exclaimed to my son hey look at that. My wife and son both started looking around over by the misters and asked "what?" I said "never mind you mist it" got some looks and eye rolls from the people next to us as well as my wife haha.
Submitted December 22, 2015 at 01:58PM by grin-n-Barrett
A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times.
When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there.
When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support.
When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what?"
"What dear?" She asked gently.
"I think you bring me bad luck."
Submitted December 22, 2015 at 10:25AM by tallpilot
My dad was talking about going in to the post office to complain about something (too long to explain what) and he told me he was "going to go in there and go postal on them"
Submitted December 22, 2015 at 12:07PM by CannonEyes
I said to my wife, "All these other drivers must be Sammy Hagar!" "What are you talking about?" "Because they can't seem to drive 55!" And the face palming proceeded.
Submitted December 22, 2015 at 11:02AM by Marukaz
his funfair is next monkey
Submitted December 22, 2015 at 07:10AM by Elshiva
Usually she slept through the class.
One day the teacher called on her while she was having a nap:
"Tell me, Jenny, who created the universe?"
She didn't stir, so Mike, a boy in the chair behind her, quickly took a pin
and jabbed her in the rear.
"GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted Jenny
And the teacher said, "Very good".
Soon, Jenny was fast asleep again. A while later the teacher asks Jenny:
"Who is our Lord and Saviour?" Once again, Mike pricked her with a pin.
"JESUS CHRIST!" shouted Jenny.
And the teacher said, "very good."
Soon, a third question comes: "What did Eve say to Adam after she had
her twenty-third child?" And again, Mike jabbed her with the pin.
Jenny jumped in her seat and shouted:
"IF YOU STICK THAT F*****G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT
IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!"
Submitted December 22, 2015 at 08:39AM by suddenly_satan
and I mentioned I should go as him next year for Halloween.
Sister-in-law says I'll need to lose some weight to pull that off.
I said fine, I'll go as Jon Snowman.
Submitted December 22, 2015 at 08:49AM by itsdrivingmenuts
But the father could not find a job and the family fell on hard times. The father went to church every morning to pray to God for food to feed his family.
One day, while the man prayed, a black man was coming out of the grocery store up the hill from the church. He had a sack in one hand with a wheel of cheese in it, the bag was heavy, and just as the Mexican man was getting up from praying, the bag broke and the wheel of cheese rolled down the hill.
The Mexican man saw the cheese and could not believe his luck, he thanked God and ran all the way home.
He gave it to his wife and told her that God has sent them a miracle and that she should make nachos out of the cheese. His wife began to protest, surely she should make something better than nachos with this gift from the heavens.
The man shouted at his wife, "No, it MUST be nachos!"
His wife was stunned, "Why can't we make something else out of this beautiful cheese? she asked.
The man replied "Because all the way home the voice of God followed me, shouting 'That's na'cho cheese! That's na'cho cheese!"
Submitted December 22, 2015 at 07:29AM by GrimvilleBane
"Mommy, Mommy!" she yelled. "We were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10! See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!"
"Very good." said her mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"
"Yes, it's because you're blonde." her mother replied.
The next day, the girl came skipping home from school, "Mommy, Mommy!" she yelled. "We were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!"
"Very good." said her mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"
"Yes, pumpkin, it's because you're blonde".
The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy!" she yelled. "We were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36C's.
"Very good." said her embarrassed mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"
"No, honey. It's because you're 25."
Submitted December 22, 2015 at 02:25AM by ClutchingMyTinkle
She has no idea what it is, but she knows you can do with it. Swim, ride, hike, dance, play tennis, ...
Submitted December 22, 2015 at 05:27AM by HugeHam
Then it is truly a hole-ly redeemer.
Submitted December 22, 2015 at 07:07AM by kingdomcome3914
Q: What’s the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball?
Ans: A guy will actually search for a golf ball.
Submitted December 22, 2015 at 03:36AM by cliprich
a man goes to buy a house, and he found one very good looking one. it was near the beach, it was big and it was cheap. So the man goes to see the house with the seller. They tour the house and it looks like everything he coud want. when they arrive to the bathroom the seller turns around and says "ok we have one condition about this house. DO NOT press that button on the bathroom wall." man looks over the seller and sees a big red button at the wall. he thought "fair enough this is a great house otherwise". the man buys the house.
he spent his days enjoying the house it was perfect in every way. but the nagging in his head never stopped "what woud that button do?". so one day he finally said out loud "this is my house dammit i can do what ever i want in it!" he went to the bathroom and pressed the button BEEB wall opened and there was big black ripped man and he asked with his mighty voice "with or without vaseline?" then man stuttered "wi-wi-without" then the man grabbed our house owner and proceeded to pound him two hours straight. dry. the man was mortified and promised himself never to touch that button again.
But, one day when he was exiting the shower, he slipped and accidently pressed the button again BEEB . to his horror the wall opened once more and the same big black man repeated the guestion "with or without vaselin?" this time our man said "WITH vaseline!" BEEB another wall opened and there was another black man almost twice the size of the other black man "HELLO MY NAME IS VASELINE"
Submitted December 22, 2015 at 02:35AM by lobotumi
The general stood tall and said "1956 ma'am." The woman, taken back by this answer said "1956?! That long?! Let me make your night better..." and the two sauntered away to a private room. The woman began to strip and the two made passionate love for an hour. The woman cuddled up to the army general afterward and said "well, you sure haven't forgotten any thing since 1956...". The general looked at her confused and said "well I sure hope not. I