Thursday, December 31, 2015

Man... 2015 seems like it was just yesterday!

No text found

Submitted January 01, 2016 at 12:01AM by metalbeak12

My wife told me I'm not allowed to impersonate a flamingo anymore...

I had to put my foot down



Submitted December 31, 2015 at 03:38PM by supermeatboy89

Why was the Muslim rubbing the goat?

Not because he was in to bestiality, you Islamophobe.

He was at the petting zoo for his wife's 9th birthday



Submitted December 31, 2015 at 08:54PM by hels

A kid had sex with his teacher.

So the kid just got of school and he got into the car with his mom. The mom asks, "What did you do at school today?" The kid replies, "I had sex with the teacher." The mom was furious so when they got home, she told him to go to his room and wait for his father to come home. Well the father came home from work a couple hours later and the mother told him what their son said. The dad walks up to his sons room and says, "Son, I'm proud of you. I'm going to buy you a new bike." Later that day they got the bike and the father asks, "Would you like to try it out?" The son replies, "Not now. My butt still hurts."



Submitted December 31, 2015 at 07:11PM by Zockman175

Two hunters are in a forest.

They come across a very deep hole and one hunter says to the other "How deep is that?" They both find a rusty anvil and throw it in. The anvil falls so far that the hunters don't hear it hit the bottom but then they see a goat sprinting past them and jump into the hole. They stand by the hole thinking about what just happened until a farmer comes along. The farmer says "Have you seen my goat Becky?" The hunters reply, "Yeah, it ran passed us and jumped into that hole." The farmer says, "That's impossible. She couldn't have done that, she was chained to an anvil."



Submitted December 31, 2015 at 05:25PM by fastovich1995

A disreputable friend of mine became a florist.

It sounds like a seedy business.



Submitted December 31, 2015 at 05:17PM by crimote22

Is this sub still active?

Nobody has posted anything all year!



Submitted December 31, 2015 at 07:17PM by frillip

What do cows do on December 31st?

Celebrate Moo Years Eve of course!



Submitted December 31, 2015 at 06:27PM by milhouse728

Star Wars Episode 7-9 Titles Revealed

Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens

Star Wars Episode VIII: The Force Sleeps For Five More Minutes

Star Wars Episode IX: The Force Is Late For Work



Submitted December 31, 2015 at 04:34PM by garrett1999o3

I asked my doctor where to put my pants during my prostate exam.

"Over there next to mine" was not the answer I expected.



Submitted December 31, 2015 at 03:35PM by Darmok_At_Tanagra

What does the music at a horse rave sound like?

Oats oats oats oats...



Submitted December 31, 2015 at 05:35PM by ediciusNJ

Dropped this one on my dad today. I might be adopted everyone...

My Dad "Michigander 13, we have a 3/4 drunk Gatorade bottle and a 1/2 drunk pop bottle on the counter what are we doing with them?"

Me "Well what are they doing getting drunk?!"

My mom laughed, I laughed, my dad just sat there. Not laughing. Is he a true dad?



Submitted December 31, 2015 at 05:49PM by Michigander13

Why did the library book go to the doctor?

It needed to be checked out; it had a bloated appendix.



Submitted December 31, 2015 at 05:35PM by thealmightydes

Got kicked out of the kitchen

Wife is baking, and I got kicked out of the kitchen.

"You know what you have in common with this sugar? You're super fine."

"Want me to stand next to them when they come out of the oven? I'll make them cool."

"Wow; that batter changed like me from high school to college. It got smooth."



Submitted December 31, 2015 at 04:58PM by Sully1102

Last night, my wife looks at me with a sudden realization and says, "We have to DO IT tomorrow!!"

My first thought was, "why is that not the goal for every day?" When I asked OK but why, her response was, "We can't let the last day of the year end without a bang!"



Submitted December 31, 2015 at 03:59PM by DigitiQuinti

A guy walks into a drugstore and sees a guy leaning heavily against the wall

He asks the clerk, 'What's with that guy?'

Clerk says, 'He came in with a bad cough and asked me for cough medicine. We were out of cough medicine, so I gave him a whole bottle of laxative instead.'

The guy says, 'What?! You can't treat a cough with laxative!'

The clerk replies, 'Of course you can! Look at him. He's afraid to cough!'



Submitted December 31, 2015 at 12:58PM by addooolookabird

Dad, am I adopted?

Son : Dad, am I adopted?

Dad : If we really wanted to adopt, we would have chosen someone better.

Edit : formatting



Submitted December 31, 2015 at 01:10PM by ogp0p

Just posting some 'chokes

http://ift.tt/22B6CVL

Submitted December 31, 2015 at 04:34PM by NotANestleShill

2015 has been an odd year....

2016 will be an even one



Submitted December 31, 2015 at 08:59AM by Blade89

It's not that hard to tell alligators and crocodiles apart.

One will see you after a while, and the other will see you later.



Submitted December 31, 2015 at 11:26AM by ChrisLW

My friend's body temperature is currently -273.15 °C

Don't worry though, he's 0K.



Submitted December 31, 2015 at 02:21PM by TheGrandMaestro

What do you call Batman when he leaves church early?

Christian Bale



Submitted December 31, 2015 at 01:03PM by sizeablepain

Back in my day..

Shovels were all the rage when they first came out. Truly ground-breaking technology.



Submitted December 31, 2015 at 01:01PM by doebro

I was at my bank today waiting in a short line.

There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady, who was trying to exchange yen for dollars. It was obvious she was a little irritated. She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla of yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?" The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations." The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too!"



Submitted December 31, 2015 at 11:21AM by BeautySmooch

Happy New Year Everyone!

I'll remember 2015 like it was yesterday.



Submitted December 31, 2015 at 11:55AM by parin89

I should really get off reddit...

I've been on this bloody site ALL YEAR! Happy new year from Australia!



Submitted December 31, 2015 at 08:20AM by vimali

A miracle at the funeral

During a funeral, the pallbearers accidentally bump into a wall and hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find out that the woman is actually alive.

She lives for 10 more years and then dies. There is another funeral for her. At the end of the service, the pallbearers carry out the casket.

As they are walking out, the husband cries out, "Watch out for the wall!"



Submitted December 31, 2015 at 08:48AM by chewymacaroni

Is everything in this sub okay?

No has posted anything this year.

(timezones :D)



Submitted December 31, 2015 at 10:01AM by quagzlor

Where do comedians wait to get a drink?

The punch line!



Submitted December 31, 2015 at 08:17AM by EwokDude

Three guys go to a ski lodge

Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!" The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!"



Submitted December 31, 2015 at 06:16AM by aladdinfunhouse

"Do you know how awkward you are?"

"Good, you?"



Submitted December 31, 2015 at 03:56AM by GrayHatSeoul

Do special ed teachers mark late students as tardy?

i have no shame.



Submitted December 31, 2015 at 05:53AM by PM_ME_DEINE_BOOTY

My dad texted me this one today.

When I drink alcohol everyone says I'm an alcoholic, but when I drink Fanta nobody says I'm fantastic.



Submitted December 31, 2015 at 05:03AM by talkingchimney9

An Australian bin man knocks at the door of a Chinese guy

And asks 'where's ya bin mate' The guy answers 'I bin watching TV!' The Ozzie asks 'na mate where's ya wheelie bin' The guy hangs his head and says 'I wheelie been wanking'



Submitted December 31, 2015 at 03:55AM by Cheeseburgerbanter

Do you think Charlie Sheen admitted to being HIV positive on national television...

because it was easier than making phone calls?



Submitted December 31, 2015 at 01:13AM by JayNotAtAll

Why are there no jehovah's witnesses in Italy?

The mafia doesn't like witnesses.



Submitted December 30, 2015 at 07:37PM by DatoDave

Wednesday, December 30, 2015

(X-post /r/jokes) Do you know what E.T. is short for?

So he can fit into his spaceship.



Submitted December 31, 2015 at 02:04AM by Zombie_Aficionado

why do you never see hippos hiding in trees?

cause they're really fuckin' good at it



Submitted December 30, 2015 at 11:00PM by plebis

What do you get when you cross a bean and an onion?

Teargas



Submitted December 30, 2015 at 08:59PM by SteelmanMi

What did Mr. T say when he saw a fat woman sitting at the bar?

"I pity the stool."



Submitted December 30, 2015 at 10:33PM by Castamundo

I was in the supermarket when I got a message on my phone telling me there were 24 singles in my area

Think I'm going to delete the Kraft Cheese app.



Submitted December 30, 2015 at 07:58PM by katherineboo525

I bought my friend an elephant for their room.

They said thank you. I said don't mention it.



Submitted December 31, 2015 at 12:01AM by kyakoolhaihum3

Mom: I'm going to run down to my cousin's house. She needs to borrow the car.

Dad: If she needs the car, maybe you should drive there.



Submitted December 30, 2015 at 11:08PM by mikesanerd

What do women's panties and nail polish have in common?

What do women's panties and nail polish have in common?

They both come off with alcohol.

Edit: I am embarrassed but will let this post be at least for its educational value.



Submitted December 30, 2015 at 09:24PM by voracread

What's the difference between a drunk and a stoner?

A drunk drives right through a stop sign, a stoner waits for it to turn green.



Submitted December 30, 2015 at 07:19PM by shmag18

What's the most annoying pepper?

One that's jalapeño business.

Just received via text courtesy of the man himself. Thanks dad for the useless internet points!



Submitted December 30, 2015 at 10:03PM by smellyelderberries

What's the difference between Bill Cosby and a Rap artist?

art



Submitted December 30, 2015 at 04:59PM by escherbach

Bill Cosby was charged with sexual assault

I guess the proof was in the pudding



Submitted December 30, 2015 at 05:15PM by Kwyjibo2006

A star walks into a black hole...

... but it doesn't seem phazed. The black hole turns to the star and says, "Sir, I don't think you understand the gravity of this situation."



Submitted December 30, 2015 at 05:55PM by tyralion

Blood types

Me: "Dad, I donated blood yesterday, do you know what my blood type is?"

Dad: "well... I'm B, and your mom is O, so you must be BO"

Mom: " ... he has been waiting 22 years for you to ask that"



Submitted December 30, 2015 at 07:49PM by noremac113

My mom's accidental dad joke

My great aunt died recently. My mom called and told me at school. I guess my aunt had fallen asleep on the couch and never woke up. She had an enlarged heart, the doctors said, and it gave out on her while she was sleeping.

I didn't really know my aunt, but my mom grew up with her. So I asked my mom if she was okay.

"Yeah I'm okay," she said. "I will miss her, but she died peacefully. She was a good woman. She had a really big heart."



Submitted December 30, 2015 at 05:08PM by geekcheese

The person who runs Tumblr should be called Tumbldore.

No text found

Submitted December 30, 2015 at 04:50PM by ImSomebodyNow

Instructions for falling down the stairs:

Step 1, step 6, step 7, step 8, step 12.



Submitted December 30, 2015 at 10:57AM by Meatwise

Do you remember your grandads last words?

Oh shit a bus!



Submitted December 30, 2015 at 04:27PM by Nick_Coffey

I can cut a piece of wood just by looking at it.

It's true, I saw it with my own eyes!



Submitted December 30, 2015 at 02:08PM by Xeizar

600 years in waiting

Exploring Blarney Castle, built in 1446, with my family.

Son: I found a new room!

Me: I imagine it's pretty old, actually.



Submitted December 30, 2015 at 04:05PM by SmallChildArsonist

A man goes to a bar and sees a fat girl dancing on a table.

He walks over to her and says, "Wow, nice legs!" She is flattered and replies, "You really think so?" The man says, "Oh definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."



Submitted December 30, 2015 at 12:26PM by BeautySmooch

On a trip to Switzerland, Sister Came up With This Gem

We were collecting all the left over currency we had and giving it to my father so he could store it. My sister mentioned she had a few coins. My father said he didn't want any cents, just franks. My sister replies: But don't you want frankincense? (frank an' cents)



Submitted December 30, 2015 at 02:54PM by therealcardshark

I wonder if the Pope uses PayPal?

I guess it would be like a...

Papal PayPal?



Submitted December 30, 2015 at 01:50PM by kilkil

What has 3 balls and flies through space

E.T the Extra Testicle

I know this was awful I'm sorry



Submitted December 30, 2015 at 01:02PM by Chollla

Blonde Bar

A blind man walks into a bar. He orders a drink and relaxes. Later, he yells to the bartender, "Hey! Wanna hear a blonde joke?" The bar is now silent. The man next to the blind man says to him, "I don't think you should tell that joke. That bartender is blond, the person sitting next to you is a professional MMA fighter, I'm blonde and I am 6'5'' and weigh 200 pounds, and the bouncer outside is also blonde. Now, do you really want to tell that blonde joke anymore?" The blind man replies, "No, not if I have to explain it to 4 different people."



Submitted December 30, 2015 at 09:52AM by Skyarus

My mom's car battery died on warranty.

The battery was corroded so she took it to the dealership.

When she got back she said:

"They gave me a new battery - no charge!"



Submitted December 30, 2015 at 01:13PM by sackofpens-

Got the Old Lady Today

My wife called me to tell me a "insert big national bug killing company" (starts with a T, ends with an X) came out today. She said they told her it was every other month and not quarterly like they came.

I said "well, we don't want them bugging us too much"

She groaned.



Submitted December 30, 2015 at 12:50PM by Pacers31Colts18

My son said he and some friends went to the snow yesterday...

and told me that he and his buddies built and a snowman and named him "Juan". I asked him if they built multiple snowmen. "No," he said. To which I replied, "So, you only built Juan?" Rinse and repeat until he got the joke.



Submitted December 30, 2015 at 12:57PM by RickShaw530

A rabbi and a Catholic priest are walking down the street...

...when the priest sees a boy across the way.

The priest turns to the rabbi and says, "Let's go over there and screw that boy!"

The rabbi looks the boy over and says to the priest, "out of what?"



Submitted December 30, 2015 at 11:31AM by Factushima

My dad just told me a joke he told about 2012

Back before the world was supposed to end on Dec. 21st, 2012 a friend, and employee, of my fathers was certain the world would end. He quit his job, built a bomb shelter, and stocked it with enough canned food and guns for years.

When the world didn't end he called up my dad all pissed off that he wasted all his money on this stuff and he didn't need it, and my dads response:

"Hey man, just relax, it's not the end of the world."



Submitted December 30, 2015 at 12:36PM by Great_SaiyaMan

A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head.

The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, ''Shut up...you're next!''



Submitted December 30, 2015 at 08:35AM by thumbsuped

While waiting for Star Wars to start...

My dad says, I wonder if there is a Princess Standa?

We ask why?

And he says well there's a Princess Leia



Submitted December 30, 2015 at 12:24PM by Gaz0rpaz0rpfield

Dad had a tin of ginger biscuits

I'm going to approach these very gingerly , he says



Submitted December 30, 2015 at 12:06PM by Notknow-knotnow

Dad told me this over the phone.

Why does the Russian president have body guards?

They don't want to Putin in danger.



Submitted December 30, 2015 at 12:04PM by Creepersaurus

I wanted to get my parents attention

I said "Hey dad/mom!" My dad responds "Dad slash mom?! I would never do that!"



Submitted December 30, 2015 at 11:29AM by abrakasam

Did you hear about the sprite can that jumped into the can crusher?

I hear he was soda pressed



Submitted December 30, 2015 at 10:45AM by Mrrage34

Dancing queen

My dad and I were talking about the civil war and the use of slaves and the freedom movement and the such a while ago, (he's a history teacher at the local high school). "Dancing Queen" came on the radio and he leaned over and said, "do you know what people who like this band should be called? Abba-listen-ists" and laughed by himself for a solid minute.

Please help



Submitted December 30, 2015 at 03:13AM by fastersnail

Dad joke heard at the beach

Recently, I was on vacation and at a beach and a father and his kids were playing catch in the water next to me.

This kid who had to be about six or seven yells out, "dad, I'm going to try some trash talk. Ready? Your skills are as rusty as a tin can! Get it dad? trash talk?"

I was dying. That kid is going to make a great dad.



Submitted December 30, 2015 at 07:17AM by magikot

What's E.T. short for?

So he can fit in his spaceship.



Submitted December 30, 2015 at 08:33AM by furdlur

I bought my friend an elephant for their room.

They said thank you. I said don't mention it.



Submitted December 30, 2015 at 07:38AM by theseren

A blonde, wanting to earn some money,

decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?" The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a porch, it's a Ferrari."



Submitted December 30, 2015 at 02:15AM by BeautySmooch

My 4 year old son just got me with a dad joke I hadn't heard before.

My son was playing with his teenage mutant ninja turtle action figures, and was making them fight each other. Me: "Where are their weapons? Are they just fighting with their bare hands?" Son: "No, they are fighting with their turtle hands." Doesn't have a clue why I was laughing so hard. Edit: mutant added** Edit 2: to those who are telling me it's not a joke, because my son doesn't understand the English language. WOW, you're right! I hadn't thought of that. I really thought he got me, but you have changed everything! My 4 year old son doesn't know the word "bare", or sarcasm yet. Please stop PMing me that now. Thank you.



Submitted December 30, 2015 at 07:13AM by maddysaddy

My dad dropped this on me today

A hammer, my foot still hurts.



Submitted December 30, 2015 at 05:56AM by Jubawub

Dad joke I came up with at work.

I work at a grocery store produce department. Today there was some misplaced cheese in a cooler. I saw it was sharp provolone. I took it to the deli lady and once she read it I said "be careful, it's sharp."



Submitted December 30, 2015 at 02:41AM by xxyyzz_pnw

A while back my six year old niece got me with a dad joke and she wasn't even in the room at the time!

One day a while back I was at my sisters. I was talking to my niece and I complimented her because, for once, she wasn't being a cunt. You have no idea how much this kid usually deserves a punch in the teeth! As a guide; she once threw the cat down to the landing in the middle of the stairs because she heard cat's always land on their feet and wanted to see if it was true. No, she doesn't have "needs" We had her checked and apparently she is just "seeking attention" (even though she wants for nothing)

Any way... The moment I complimented her she ran off crying. (WTF?!)

A few moments later my sister comes in saying "What the f*ck did you tell her she looked like a cow for?!"

It took a moment but it finally hit me; The last thing I said to her before she ran off...:

"NO! No... I said she was likable... Not like a bull."

Pause...

Laughs all round...

Then one grounded kid.



Submitted December 30, 2015 at 05:30AM by freenarative

A father-to-be was waiting anxiously outside the labour ward where his wife was delivering a baby.

A nurse came up to the man and said, 'You have a girl, but there's another one on the way, so come back soon.'

'Twins,' he thought, a little shakily. He went away and came back an hour later to be told that the second baby had been born, but there was still another on the way.

'Good grief,' he thought.

He went to the pub down the street, and after a beer he phoned in and was told a fourth one was on the way. He started to drown his sorrows. A few stiff whiskies later he called the hospital again, but was so drunk he dialled the wrong number - and got the recorded cricket score. Crying in agony, he collapsed on the floor, a poor, devastated, shuddering and weeping mess.

As the barman struggled to pick him up, he heard the voice from the phone say, 'The score is 88 all out. And the last one was a duck.'



Submitted December 29, 2015 at 09:01PM by KerbalDeadlock152

Tuesday, December 29, 2015

Told my dad that I wanted to study abroad in Japan

He asked me which one



Submitted December 29, 2015 at 10:43PM by restinpiecesMXE

I burned 2,000 calories today.

I left my brownies in the oven for too long.



Submitted December 29, 2015 at 11:20PM by ElGuaco

Why is PTSD like riding a bike?

You never forget



Submitted December 29, 2015 at 11:07PM by TheGnatman

Stepdad advises me on flan.

Me asking the best spot to put the delicate flan in the car for the trip to my Grandparent's house for Christmas Eve dinner - "Should I just keep this between us?" referring to placing the flan between my boyfriend and I in the back seat

Stepdad - "Well I think we should at least tell your mother."

I really set him up for that one.



Submitted December 29, 2015 at 10:24PM by fullmetalretard666

My friend told me he had the body of a Greek god.

I had to explain to him that Buddha is not Greek.



Submitted December 29, 2015 at 08:27PM by BeautySmooch

I got my girlfriend good today (mildly NSFW)

So my girlfriend and I were talking about our plans for New Years Eve, and she sarcastically said, "We're going to have sex and we're both going to finish right as the new year hits." So I said back "I guess we'll call it 'the stroke of midnight."



Submitted December 29, 2015 at 10:09PM by straightouttamymom

My Uncle's Last Words [NSFW]

*throwaway account, I feel weird telling a story about a family member

This isn't really a joke, but a story my family tells in humor. Kind of sad, but it's a testament to my uncle's personality. A few years ago, my uncle's health deteriorated rapidly over the course of a month for multiple medical reasons. He was old, and despite treatment, we knew our time with him was short. He was sleeping in a hospital bed, his son beside him. My uncle wakes up, looking around the room:

Uncle: "Am I dead?"

Son: "No, Dad."

Uncle: "SHIT" falls back asleep

He passed away 30 minutes later in his sleep. RIP, you were a good guy



Submitted December 29, 2015 at 10:10PM by srf_returns

A meaty medical dad joke

Handing over to the next team of doctors after a long shift on the intensive care unit. We were sitting in the handover room discussing the strange case of one of the patients who had vomited violently after eating a sausage at a barbecue, and ruptured her gut.

My diagnosis: "You could say she took a turn for the würst..."

Was instructed by my boss that I needed to get gender reassignment surgery and start having some kids if I was going to go pulling that kind of dad shit.



Submitted December 29, 2015 at 09:25PM by hushmoney

How many dead hookers does it take to change a lightbulb?

Not 6. My basement is still dark.



Submitted December 29, 2015 at 07:57PM by ghostofdevinbrown

Welfare Check

"A young man with his pants hanging half off his rear, two gold front teeth, and a half inch thick gold chain around his neck, walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.

He marched up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job. I don't like taking advantage of the system, getting something for nothing."

The social worker behind the counter said "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2014 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes."

"Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say, but you will also have, as part of your job, the assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive."

The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bull-shittin' me!" The social worker said, "Yeah, well . . . You started it . . . . “



Submitted December 29, 2015 at 05:59PM by Baym-n

Say "hi" to your knee

HINEE!



Submitted December 29, 2015 at 06:59PM by phoonie98

Your mom and I almost named you the Spanish Inquisition

because nobody expected you.



Submitted December 29, 2015 at 07:03PM by ajr30

Every time I tell dad jokes

He laughs



Submitted December 29, 2015 at 03:28PM by Sodixm

My mother always said, "Pick your clothes up off the floor, I'm not your maid."

When I went to college the dorm had a maid who told us, "Pick your clothes up off the floor, I'm not your mother."



Submitted December 29, 2015 at 04:40PM by OLOTM

Why do green beans meditate?

To find inner peas!



Submitted December 29, 2015 at 02:06PM by DymaxionFuller

Dad got me...

So we were picking something from the TV guide after we'd finished watching a film and say to my dad, cause there was nothing good to put on, "Well? Well? WELL?" And the bastard replies, "A large hole, with water at the bottom." I tried so hard not to laugh, but he got me and it was pretty funny, unfortunately.



Submitted December 29, 2015 at 03:55PM by Rango18

My friend hit me with one yesterday

It hurt



Submitted December 29, 2015 at 02:47PM by Tekjensen

Do you know what an illegal is?

A bird feeling under the weather...



Submitted December 29, 2015 at 02:53PM by Wo0dles

"How long do we need to cook a half of a ham?", Mom asked.

Uncle instantly replies "Half as long as it'd take to cook a full one". Mom groans, I'm cracking up.



Submitted December 29, 2015 at 02:56PM by CaliKingHockey

I got my dad today after we got the wrong order at McDonalds today.

So we went through the drive through, and when we were handed our food, we realized that we all had gotten large fries instead of the regular medium size...

Dad- what is it...large fry day?

Me- no dad, it's Tuesday, not Friday.

Dad- ಠ_ಠ



Submitted December 29, 2015 at 02:37PM by OverTheAir7149

Tarzan and Jane

One day, Jane decides to teach Tarzan about sex. As she is giving him the basics, Tarzan goes: "Oh, Tarzan know sex. Tarzan sometimes do with hole in tree" Horrified, Jane goes: "My word, Tarzan, no, that's so terribly wrong. Here," she lays down on her back and opens her legs "You have to put it in here." Tarzan takes off his loincloth, walks up to Jane and - BAM - kicks her as hard as he can, right in the snatch. Jane proceeds to roll around on the ground in agony. Finally, once she is able to draw breath, she goes "Dear God, what the hell did you do that for?" With a huge grin, he replies "Tarzan not stupid. Always check for bees first"



Submitted December 29, 2015 at 12:54PM by TonysAlterEgo

My mom and I were talking about my two friends, Taylor and Taylor...

I was talking about their wedding last August. Apparently, it was the first time my dad heard me talk about them (or at least paid attention).

Dad: If you say Taylor and Taylor real quick, does that make it... sly grin ...Taylor Swift?

Mom and I: OH MY GOD.

Dad: You called?



Submitted December 29, 2015 at 02:09PM by ShellzNCheez

A blonde goes to work in tears. Her boss asks, "What's wrong?"

She says, "My mom died." He told her to go home, but she said, "No, I'll be fine." Later that day, her boss finds her crying again. He says, "What's wrong?" She replies, "I just talked to my sister, and her mom died, too!"



Submitted December 29, 2015 at 12:25PM by Mightyspider300

9 out of 10 statistician's dad's agree.



Submitted December 29, 2015 at 01:13PM by elmonoenano

C-3PO: Dad-Cyborg relations

After his head was detached from the body of a droid by R2-D2 during the Jedi-droid battle on Geonosis:

"This is such a drag"

"I am quite beside myself"



Submitted December 29, 2015 at 12:36PM by ExpensiveHookersSuck

A couple of my dad's infamous sayings

Whenever someone comes into the house my dad asks

"Hey, ______, can I get you a drink or something to eat? I can open up a can of ribs." My dad thinks this is hilarious and usually ends up cracking himself up while our guest just stands there nervously laughing from confusion. It's a Woody Allen quote btw.

Another one is whenever someone asks what his occupation is: "Philanthropist"

"Really?"

"Yea. But I'm not a very good one"



Submitted December 29, 2015 at 12:50PM by insertnamehere255

What's the worst part about being short?

You're the last one to know when it rains.



Submitted December 29, 2015 at 12:58PM by Reddit_Novice

A travelling salesman knocks on a door...

And a ten year old boy answers the door wearing high heels, and a brown bra, smoking a cigar, and drinking scotch.

The salesman says, "woah. Hey, little fella'. Are you parents home?"

The boy answers, "what the fuck do you think?"



Submitted December 29, 2015 at 10:47AM by VictoriousPR

Wife hit me with this one.

Pulled a pair of jeans out of the dryer, noticed the jingling and turned around to show my wife that the change didn't fall into the dryer for once. She replied, "why didn't you tell me we were laundering money?".



Submitted December 29, 2015 at 11:29AM by appBlu

My 4 year old son just got me with a dad joke I hadn't heard before.

My son was playing with his teenage ninja turtle action figures, and was making them fight each other.

Me: "Where are their weapons? Are they just fighting with their bare hands?"

Son: "No, they are fighting with their turtle hands."

Doesn't have a clue why I was laughing so hard.



Submitted December 29, 2015 at 09:27AM by MaynardJ222

So I was at this bistro and everything on the menu had eggs in it.

The bistro's name is the Teggnician and when I asked about their recipes they got very teggnical about it.



Submitted December 29, 2015 at 10:17AM by lumni

My dad just dropped this one me

I was in the kitchen eating cereal and my dad comes in just wearing a towel and he goes "Hiiyyaahhh!" While raising his one leg and says, "How do you like those nuts?" I'm still traumatised



Submitted December 29, 2015 at 10:42AM by enjoithelrg

[NSFW] Put the kids to bed last night and then pulled out some Nutella for naughty play with the boyfriend. Then he got me with this one...

"Wow, a full meal here: Meat (points to his meat), vegetaBALLS, and dessert!



Submitted December 29, 2015 at 09:01AM by theredstrokes

Marriage

Husband asking the wife:
-Darling, do you want to come with me to the gym?
-Are you saying I'm fat??
-No, I was just thinking that we should maybe...
-Are you saying I'm lazy??
-No, no! Calm down, I didn't say that..
-Why, you think I'm hysterical??
-No, I wasn't saying that..
-So you are calling me a liar now??
-God no! You know what, I go alone then.
-Wait a minute! Why do you want to go alone!?



Submitted December 29, 2015 at 07:44AM by anag0

I was at an Indian restaurant and I asked about the appetizers.

The server said that was a naan starter.



Submitted December 29, 2015 at 07:58AM by AJWILLIKERS

What do Japanese men do when they have erections?

Vote



Submitted December 29, 2015 at 02:36AM by collin_ph

I have a friend who works as a powerline repairer and loves Metallica

You could say he Rides the Lightning



Submitted December 29, 2015 at 06:55AM by Krabo

What can we learn from Napoleon and Hitler's abortive Eastern front campaigns?

Don't go Russian into things.



Submitted December 29, 2015 at 06:38AM by Krabo

What is the difference between regular sex and anal sex?

Regular sex can make your day. Anal sex can make your hole weak.



Submitted December 29, 2015 at 04:28AM by catson43

Dude walks into a bar and sees 3 pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling...

...He asked the bartender, "What are those for?" Bartender answers, "If you can slap a piece of meat, you get free drinks for an hour. If you can't, everyone's drinks are on you. Do you want to try it?"

He replies, "Nah, the steaks are too high."



Submitted December 29, 2015 at 05:04AM by vimesh

Have you heard of the movie Constipation?

No?

That's because it hasn't come out yet.



Submitted December 29, 2015 at 04:51AM by gamerlord66

A blonde and her friend lost in the forest

A blonde and her friend are lost in the forest. The friend goes out on the first night and comes back with a deer, killed with a primitive bow and arrow. "Wow!" the blonde exclaims, "How did you do that?!" The friend tried to keep it very simple for the blonde so she could understand. She replied, "I see deer tracks, I follow deer tracks. I see deer, I shoot deer." the blonde nodded in understanding. The next night, the blonde, feeling a thousand times smarter than she was before, volunteered to go hunting. When she returned, however, she was beaten up, scraped and bleeding. "What happened?!" the friend was worried. The blonde replied in a very agitated, upset tone. "I did what you said!" She screamed. "I see train tracks, I follow train tracks, I see train I shoot train!"



Submitted December 28, 2015 at 11:14PM by DibIy

Playing Smite with some friends.

Playing against a Loki and a guy on the team says he didn't know they had a Loki. Came back with an immediate "well he was playing low key. "



Submitted December 29, 2015 at 03:20AM by sarnald

When life gets complicated..

If you don't like cheddar, eat jack... Life could always be Gouda.



Submitted December 29, 2015 at 02:48AM by Mperrie

Monday, December 28, 2015

Eating rare birds...

would fill me with egret.



Submitted December 28, 2015 at 03:08AM by CronoZero15

Saturday, December 26, 2015

A Blonde Woman Asks For A $5000 Loan

A blonde woman walks into a bank in NYC before going on vacation and asks for a $5,000 loan. The banker asks, "Okay, miss, is there anything you would like to use as collateral?" The woman says, "Yes, of course. I'll use my Rolls Royce." The banker, stunned, asks, "A $250,000 Rolls Royce? Really?" The woman is completely positive. She hands over the keys, as the bankers and loan officers laugh at her. They check her credentials, make sure she is the title owner. Everything checks out. They park it in their underground garage for two weeks. When she comes back, she pays off the $5,000 loan as well as the $15.41 interest. The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very appreciative of your business with us, but I have one question. We looked you up and found out that you are a multi-millionaire. Why would you want to borrow $5,000?" The woman replies, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"



Submitted December 27, 2015 at 12:06AM by hannibalsBFF

Friday, December 25, 2015

A man gets drunk...

and stumbles straight into a baptism being performed on the river bank.

The priest asks the man, 'Are you ready to find Jesus?'

The drunk agrees, and the priest dunks him into the water. The drunk is gasping for air.

'Have you found Jesus, Brother?'

'No mate, I haven't'

The priest dunks him in again and pulls him back out. The drunk thrashes around for a bit.

'Now have you found Jesus?'

'Nah bro, I haven't.'

The priest rolls his eyes and dunks the drunk one more time, and pulls him back up violently.

'HAVE YOU FOUND JESUS YET?'

The drunk, near suffocation, replies, 'Are you sure this is where he fell in?'



Submitted December 25, 2015 at 11:56PM by KerbalDeadlock152

Thursday, December 24, 2015

"We should turn off here, it's the shorter route."

...my dad says as we pass the exit sign for Shorter, AL.



Submitted December 24, 2015 at 11:50PM by dane83

I signed up to volunteer at a pro-life bake sale

I'll be selling cups of uncooked batter and insisting they're actually cupcakes



Submitted December 24, 2015 at 06:37PM by Pacific22

Wednesday, December 23, 2015

Came up with this joke this morning in the shower.

I took a tour of a prison for poets, at the end the warden asked what I thought of it. I said it has its prose and cons.



Submitted December 23, 2015 at 10:21PM by FrenchFriedMushroom

Dadjoked my son, my wife and my parents at the same time.

While visiting a zoo, my mother remarked that 1-hump camels can't mate with 2-hump camels.

I responded: "So 1 hump + 2 humps = no humps?"

The women groaned, my son smiled, and my father just nodded approvingly.



Submitted December 23, 2015 at 08:47PM by the1jasontaylor

Christmas joke.

It was coming up to Christmas and a priest was going through the church after Mass. He saw a note in the pew. Curious, he picked it up and read, "Dear Jesus: I would really like a bike for Christmas. Love, Billy." The priest thought it was adorable, put it in his pocket and left.

The next Sunday, the same priest went through the church after Mass and saw a note in the pew. He picks it up, reads the note and it says, "Dear Jesus, I have been a very good boy and would like to have a bike for Christmas. Love, Billy." The priest is again moved, so he again puts the note in his pocket and leaves.

Christmas comes and after all the Masses, the priest is going through the church again. He looks around and he notices the statue of the Virgin Mary missing. He rushes over and finds a note on the pedestal. It says:

"Dear Jesus, If you want to see your mother again, you'll get me the bike I wanted for Christmas. Billy."



Submitted December 23, 2015 at 11:45PM by taocpa

Why did the scarecrow win so many awards?

Because he was out standing in his field.



Submitted December 23, 2015 at 10:05PM by nota-doc

I got a dog for my wife.

It was a good trade.



Submitted December 23, 2015 at 04:40PM by livesinatreehouse

My girlfriend couldn't remember a pastry pun she heard at work.

I told her there was no fate cruller.



Submitted December 23, 2015 at 08:12PM by Xalwine

What’s the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms?

One’s a Goodyear. The other’s a great year.



Submitted December 23, 2015 at 08:07PM by redvelvetcape

The Waiter told me "All of our chicken is free-range"

And I replied "He doesn't look very free there on that plate"



Submitted December 23, 2015 at 05:43PM by pm_me_anythingg_sfw

Why are 9/11 victims great readers?

They can go through 90 stories in 10 seconds



Submitted December 23, 2015 at 06:23PM by soaredwood

Why was the fungus squashed at the concert?

Because there wasn't mushroom.



Submitted December 23, 2015 at 06:51PM by bearlegion

Where the emo star wars characters buy their winter clothes?

Hoth Topic



Submitted December 23, 2015 at 06:54PM by Jozoguy29

Merry Christmas Adam everybody!

The day before Christmas Eve.



Submitted December 23, 2015 at 06:47PM by malarson

Dad: "Jesus, Mary and Joseph were thirsty."

Me: "What? What do you mean?"

Dad: "There was NOEL."



Submitted December 23, 2015 at 04:25PM by laughgary

My gf wasn't ready

So my gf got a haircut today and texted me about it. She was not ready for the following exchange.

gf: I don't know if I like my hair.

Me: Well I'm sure it'll...grow on you.

gf: That sounds like a dadjoke lol.

Me: But your dad didn't tell it!

gf: You're ridiculous

Me: No, I'm Freddie3.

She said I made her giggle so it was worth it.



Submitted December 23, 2015 at 04:49PM by Freddie3

I like making money

It's a lot easier than earning it.



Submitted December 23, 2015 at 04:01PM by _________butts

How many software engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. That's a hardware problem.



Submitted December 23, 2015 at 12:16PM by Jack_Mackerel

My Dad was renting a car

My Dad was in the process of renting a car at the airport when the agent asked if he wanted to upgrade to Sirius™ radio. Without skipping a beat, my dad responded: "No thanks, I think we'll stick with the lighthearted radio today."

It went right over the agent's head.



Submitted December 23, 2015 at 02:52PM by _Surf_Ninja_

Jerry Lawler dropped this one

"Dean Ambrose never beleved in Santa as a child .. He was a rebel without a Claus"



Submitted December 23, 2015 at 03:15PM by Sledge824

Jerry Lawler dropped this one

"Dean Ambrose never beleved in Santa as a child .. He was a rebel without a Claus"



Submitted December 23, 2015 at 03:15PM by Sledge824

What do you get when you inject human DNA into a sheep?

Banned from the petting zoo.



Submitted December 23, 2015 at 12:28PM by studlychris

You hear about the highly-productive pastry factory that has trouble retaining employees?

It has a high turnover rate.



Submitted December 23, 2015 at 12:17PM by Odeventures

Why did Kelly Clarkson cross the road?

Because of you.



Submitted December 23, 2015 at 01:34PM by TheArchigon

Why is Santa Claus always a man?

Because no woman will wear same dress year after year for same occasion.



Submitted December 23, 2015 at 09:00AM by jerrie86

My dad just dropped this one on me.

one



Submitted December 23, 2015 at 02:05PM by lubuntu

Dadjoked my dad today.

As we were looking across the creek in their backyard, my dad says "Marsh Cemetery is back over there. You have to be a Marsh to be buried there."

Me, "what if you're a swamp?"

Dad lightly chuckled.



Submitted December 23, 2015 at 01:35PM by sglider12

My son just put a small toy plane on the tree

And then said "it's just a plain ornament. Get it? Because it doesn't have decoration but it's also a plane". I was pretty proud



Submitted December 23, 2015 at 01:48PM by creaturefromthebog

If in an earthquake, take shelter with a horse.

Their houses are always stable.



Submitted December 23, 2015 at 01:58PM by RuneShine

My mom dropped this one on me

Mom and I, her 27-year-old son, had had an argument about my clothes. She pointed to a hole in my shirt and said, "There's a big hole in your shirt!"

I responded, "Yeah? Well there's a big hole in your face and dumb things keep coming out of it," pointing to her mouth.

Without a pause, she snaps back, "Not nearly as dumb as the thing that fell out of my other hole 27 years ago."



Submitted December 23, 2015 at 12:15PM by APairofDocks

My sister asked me, while looking at her menu, "Where are the sides?"

I replied, "Usually next to the main course."

She was not amused. I giggled for 20 minutes. And texted several friends.



Submitted December 23, 2015 at 12:46PM by CapnShimmy

I just saw an air freshener so big, they had to tie it to the top of the car!

No text found

Submitted December 23, 2015 at 12:22PM by sangemini

Did you know Chewbacca got a girl pregnant the first time he had sex

It was a Wookie mistake



Submitted December 23, 2015 at 06:19AM by I_SAY_AWKWARD_WORDS

There are 10 types of people in this world.

Those who thought they knew what the punchline would be, and those who are now searching for the original joke.



Submitted December 23, 2015 at 11:15AM by NomNomNomNation

What's brown and rhymes with snoop?

Dr Dre



Submitted December 23, 2015 at 09:22AM by FCBANTERLONA

Did you hear about the man brought in by the Fashion Police?

They questioned him over his criminal ties...



Submitted December 23, 2015 at 10:42AM by modestmunky

How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas?

He felt his presents.



Submitted December 23, 2015 at 08:39AM by ginandbisquik

Mom was like "what is your favorite winter vegetable?"

Snow peas



Submitted December 23, 2015 at 10:00AM by Dimpl3s

I'm getting a little tired of these people coming to my door telling me I need to be "saved" or "I'll burn"...

Stupid firefighters.



Submitted December 23, 2015 at 08:07AM by DoubleTri

Overtook a car with the number plate 'BE5IDE U'

Now we're infront



Submitted December 23, 2015 at 09:14AM by woocallum

What do you call an overnight summer camp for brooms?

A sweepaway camp.



Submitted December 23, 2015 at 08:50AM by yismeicha

Audience member at work last night: Why did nobody buy Rudolph or Prancer?

"Because they were too deer."

Our entire staffing pool cringed.



Submitted December 23, 2015 at 09:00AM by Ross6505

An Engineer Goes to Hell

One day a civil engineer dies and goes before St Peter. St Peter gravely tells him that he must go to Hell.

So the engineer goes to Hell, looks around and thinks: 'What a shithole. Who designed this place?' So he says 'Hey! Satan...'

A few years later, God discovers that the engineer was on the wrong list and should have been allowed entrance to Heaven. So God goes down to Satan and explains the situation to him, and demands the engineer back.

Satan laughs at God and says 'You want HIM back? No fucking way. Look at this place: since he arrived, we've got R/C Aircon, elevators and escalators so we don't have to climb the mountains, we've got water filtration, comfortable accommodation, 24-hour electricity, we've got a new hotel with a pool that has a bar in the middle of it, the lighting's great, the beer's on tap in public fountains. Why the heck would I give this guy back to you?

God says: 'Give him back, or I'll sue you.'

Satan just laughs and asks 'And where are YOU going to get a lawyer?'



Submitted December 23, 2015 at 07:24AM by Veganpuncher

A terminally ill Irish father is asked what he'd like for breakfast

"Ebola cornflakes".



Submitted December 23, 2015 at 06:46AM by a_fat_guy

Dad, when are you going to wrap the presents?

Cue me beat-boxing....



Submitted December 23, 2015 at 06:42AM by hooof_hearted

When German children play a game involving touching each other with bread...

it's called gluten tag.

I'll show myself out.



Submitted December 23, 2015 at 04:49AM by JaulDePaul

"I'm feeling a bit funny," my boyfriend complained.

"I'm feeling a bit funny," my boyfriend complained.

"So tell a joke then!" I exclaimed.



Submitted December 23, 2015 at 02:38AM by popcornpause

Tuesday, December 22, 2015

Got the gas station clerk today

I put my goods on the counter and he rings them up. He proceeds to tell me that the total is seven eleven ($7.11). I look at him sternly and reply, "no, this is Chevron". He wasn't nearly as amused as I was.



Submitted December 22, 2015 at 05:07PM by CaliKingHockey

Have you heard about the one-armed super hero?

He single handedly stops crime.



Submitted December 22, 2015 at 09:03PM by kitkatfight

The cast of Star Wars VII just finished their first read through (spoilers)

Mark Hamill pulled JJ Abrams to the side and said "Can I have a word?"



Submitted December 22, 2015 at 09:18PM by davecm010

What do you call an Irish lesbian?

Gaelic



Submitted December 22, 2015 at 09:14PM by aimstylez

How do you stop a lawyer from drowning?

Shoot him before he hits the water.



Submitted December 22, 2015 at 07:46PM by hogcalling2015

The Navy is beginning to recruit blind men.

They are sending them out to sea.



Submitted December 22, 2015 at 06:02PM by evan3138

This time of year a lot of people are saying Noel

To all those people I say, yesel

Got a huge eye roll from the wife on that one this morning



Submitted December 22, 2015 at 09:35PM by SoNotCool

What disease can a ghost give you?

Haunt-avirus

Sorry if this repeats an earlier one. I just thought of this during a tour of the Winchester House in San Jose



Submitted December 22, 2015 at 07:50PM by CronoZero15

I recently came into a HUGE amount of money.

Unfortunately, though, I'm barred from future tours of the Mint.



Submitted December 22, 2015 at 04:24PM by Narwheagle

I just invented a new word!

It's called "plagiarism".



Submitted December 22, 2015 at 08:42PM by MBArceus

My son is gonna be a great Dad

Sitting at the dinner table my son(4), says to my other younger son(3),

"I'm not hungry, I'm tired"

To which my youngest replies without skipping a beat,

"Hi tired, I'm Dylan"

I could cry.......



Submitted December 22, 2015 at 08:00PM by toonLogic

Do you have the checkbook?

Yes, I have the checkbook.

Thank you for checking.



Submitted December 22, 2015 at 08:03PM by r2devo

Where did Santa meet his wife?

Conjunction junction, they specialize in hooking up words, phrases, and Clauses



Submitted December 22, 2015 at 04:08PM by AppaulledRevere

Dadjoked my date last night

Went ice skating, she was wearing gloves that were meant to resemble Koala bears. I told her they wouldn't let her in if she was wearing them. She looked at me, bewildered.. so I informed her that her gloves didn't meet the koalifications.



Submitted December 22, 2015 at 05:08PM by clutchmasterflex

I literally told my dad about this subreddit, to which he claimed, "I never make jokes like that".

Today I was home, helping my sister out with her application while she was at school. I come to the strengths and weaknesses part. He looks at me with a straight face and says, "Michael, do not put odor under strengths". cracks big smile nostrils flare..... oh, dad.



Submitted December 22, 2015 at 06:15PM by JoshPecksLegs

Midget Markets

They just can't measure up to the competition. http://ift.tt/1REPafa



Submitted December 22, 2015 at 07:08PM by Chrisfindlay

Proof of God

Every atheist becomes a theist if you give them a little space



Submitted December 22, 2015 at 11:26AM by deezydeezy

So, Bob shot a duck and it fell into Tom's property...

...Bob quickly hopped over the fence and went into Tom's backyard to get his meal, but Tom walks outside and finds Bob trespassing.

"Hey, Bob! That duck is in MY property, and it is MINE."

"No way, Tom! I shot this duck fair and square. I shot it, so I eat it!"

"How about this," said Tom. "We both kick each other in the balls, back and forth, back and forth, and the first person to fall on the floor, loses, and has to give up the duck".

"That sounds reasonable. I have a high pain tolerance! Hit me with your best shot!" yelled Bob.

BOOM, Tom kicks Bob as hard as he can in the balls. Bob yells in pain, but he is still standing.

"Alright, so you kicked me in the balls, now it's my turn!" exclaimed Bob.

"Nah, man, it's cool, you can keep the duck."



Submitted December 22, 2015 at 02:14PM by falcon784818

Me: 'Dad, did you ever think about adoption?'

Dad: 'Yeah, but no one would take you or your sister.'



Submitted December 22, 2015 at 02:03PM by Dauricha

Ghost caught on tape!

I just saw this when browsing Imgur's viral stuff. Searched here, didn't see it, so here you go!

http://ift.tt/1S8GQ6E



Submitted December 22, 2015 at 03:00PM by curzyk

When German children play a game involving touching each other with bread...

it's called gluten tag.

I'll show myself out.



Submitted December 22, 2015 at 01:19PM by nwolf51

My four year old has never even heard a dad joke before.

My daughter: Dad, are you hungry?

Me: No, I'm not hungry. Are you hungry?

My daughter: No, I'm Lydia.

Dangit.



Submitted December 22, 2015 at 02:36PM by spaceman

Family discussion about belly buttons.

Sitting around the dinner table the other night...

Little Sister: Belly buttons are weird.

Me: At least you and I have innies, Middle Sister has an outie, gross.

Little Sister: No, she has an innie too!

Little Sister: Dad, does Middle Sister have an innie or an outie?

Dad: ... I thought she had a Mazda...



Submitted December 22, 2015 at 01:24PM by athennna

Why was 6 afraid of 7?

Since seven was a child, he has always been a prime number. He excelled at everything he did, but he was kind of odd. Seven was very vengeful and quick to anger. Even though he was popular and well praised, he couldn't stand the sight of six, who was well rounded and has a good circle of tight friends.

When prom came, seven was alone and bitter. Of all his achievements, not one helped him land a date. Then six came in with his +1. Filled to the brim with jealousy, seven spread rumors that 6 and 9 were performing unspeakable acts. Six was alone again.

While walking to class, six saw seven with six's former +1 and averted his eyes. As they passed by eachother, seven whispered into six's ear "now, we're even".



Submitted December 22, 2015 at 12:08PM by ImTrulyAwesome

Four men are on the golf course....

Four men went golfing together one day; three headed to the first tee and one went into the club house to take care of the bill. The three men started talking, bragging about their sons. The first man told the others, “My son is a home builder and he’s so successful that he gave a friend a new home – for free.”

The second man said, “My son was a car salesman and now he owns a multi-line dealership. He’’s so successful that he gave a friend two Cadillacs.”

The third man, not wanting to be outdone bragged, “My son is a stock broker and he’s doing so well that he gave his friend an entire stock portfolio.”

The fourth man joined them on the tee after a few minutes of taking care of business. The first man mentioned, “We were just talking about our sons. How is yours doing?” The fourth man replied, “Well, my son is a gay prostitute. I’m not totally thrilled about it, but he must be damn good. Just In the last year his best clients gave him a house, two cars, and a stock portfolio.”



Submitted December 22, 2015 at 11:14AM by mindtrapped

You "mist" it.

We where at Safeway in the produce section my wife was looking at something random and i noticed the produce misters came on. I Exclaimed to my son hey look at that. My wife and son both started looking around over by the misters and asked "what?" I said "never mind you mist it" got some looks and eye rolls from the people next to us as well as my wife haha.



Submitted December 22, 2015 at 01:58PM by grin-n-Barrett

measures of success...

"Dad, I'm..." (pause)

"Dad, I would like to eat some food."



Submitted December 22, 2015 at 01:17PM by mike413

Husband in coma

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.

As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times.

When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there.

When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support.

When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what?"

"What dear?" She asked gently.

"I think you bring me bad luck."



Submitted December 22, 2015 at 10:25AM by tallpilot

My dad's subtle joke

My dad was talking about going in to the post office to complain about something (too long to explain what) and he told me he was "going to go in there and go postal on them"



Submitted December 22, 2015 at 12:07PM by CannonEyes

Was merging onto a state highway...

I said to my wife, "All these other drivers must be Sammy Hagar!" "What are you talking about?" "Because they can't seem to drive 55!" And the face palming proceeded.



Submitted December 22, 2015 at 11:02AM by Marukaz

Kid: "Dad! Who's our internet service provider?"

Dad: "I am."



Submitted December 22, 2015 at 11:18AM by FortyYearOldVirgin

Noel, Noel, Noel, Noel

We don't have any water, because we have noel.



Submitted December 22, 2015 at 10:28AM by ZipherDowns

Have you heard of the guy who couldn't say "yes"?

He was such a know it all.



Submitted December 22, 2015 at 10:31AM by Majike03

The guy who invented predictive text died last night...

his funfair is next monkey



Submitted December 22, 2015 at 07:10AM by Elshiva

Cheerleader by OMI was playing...

After it had finished playing my dad said "What's that guys last name? My god?"



Submitted December 22, 2015 at 09:28AM by Varaw

Jenny was not the best student in Sunday School.

Usually she slept through the class.

One day the teacher called on her while she was having a nap:

"Tell me, Jenny, who created the universe?"

She didn't stir, so Mike, a boy in the chair behind her, quickly took a pin

and jabbed her in the rear.

"GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted Jenny

And the teacher said, "Very good".

Soon, Jenny was fast asleep again. A while later the teacher asks Jenny:

"Who is our Lord and Saviour?" Once again, Mike pricked her with a pin.

"JESUS CHRIST!" shouted Jenny.

And the teacher said, "very good."

Soon, a third question comes: "What did Eve say to Adam after she had

her twenty-third child?" And again, Mike jabbed her with the pin.

Jenny jumped in her seat and shouted:

"IF YOU STICK THAT F*****G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT

IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!"



Submitted December 22, 2015 at 08:39AM by suddenly_satan

I have the same kind of hair as Jon Snow

and I mentioned I should go as him next year for Halloween.

Sister-in-law says I'll need to lose some weight to pull that off.

I said fine, I'll go as Jon Snowman.



Submitted December 22, 2015 at 08:49AM by itsdrivingmenuts

A Mexican family moves to America...

But the father could not find a job and the family fell on hard times. The father went to church every morning to pray to God for food to feed his family.

One day, while the man prayed, a black man was coming out of the grocery store up the hill from the church. He had a sack in one hand with a wheel of cheese in it, the bag was heavy, and just as the Mexican man was getting up from praying, the bag broke and the wheel of cheese rolled down the hill.

The Mexican man saw the cheese and could not believe his luck, he thanked God and ran all the way home.

He gave it to his wife and told her that God has sent them a miracle and that she should make nachos out of the cheese. His wife began to protest, surely she should make something better than nachos with this gift from the heavens.

The man shouted at his wife, "No, it MUST be nachos!"

His wife was stunned, "Why can't we make something else out of this beautiful cheese? she asked.

The man replied "Because all the way home the voice of God followed me, shouting 'That's na'cho cheese! That's na'cho cheese!"



Submitted December 22, 2015 at 07:29AM by GrimvilleBane

A girl came skipping home from school one day...

"Mommy, Mommy!" she yelled. "We were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10! See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!"

"Very good." said her mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"

"Yes, it's because you're blonde." her mother replied.

The next day, the girl came skipping home from school, "Mommy, Mommy!" she yelled. "We were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!"

"Very good." said her mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"

"Yes, pumpkin, it's because you're blonde".

The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy!" she yelled. "We were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36C's.

"Very good." said her embarrassed mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"

"No, honey. It's because you're 25."



Submitted December 22, 2015 at 02:25AM by ClutchingMyTinkle

My 5 year old daughter wants a Tampon for Christmas

She has no idea what it is, but she knows you can do with it. Swim, ride, hike, dance, play tennis, ...



Submitted December 22, 2015 at 05:27AM by HugeHam

If your standard doughnut was a thing for redemption...

Then it is truly a hole-ly redeemer.



Submitted December 22, 2015 at 07:07AM by kingdomcome3914

What’s the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball?

Q: What’s the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball?

Ans: A guy will actually search for a golf ball.



Submitted December 22, 2015 at 03:36AM by cliprich

Man goes to buy a house.

a man goes to buy a house, and he found one very good looking one. it was near the beach, it was big and it was cheap. So the man goes to see the house with the seller. They tour the house and it looks like everything he coud want. when they arrive to the bathroom the seller turns around and says "ok we have one condition about this house. DO NOT press that button on the bathroom wall." man looks over the seller and sees a big red button at the wall. he thought "fair enough this is a great house otherwise". the man buys the house.

he spent his days enjoying the house it was perfect in every way. but the nagging in his head never stopped "what woud that button do?". so one day he finally said out loud "this is my house dammit i can do what ever i want in it!" he went to the bathroom and pressed the button BEEB wall opened and there was big black ripped man and he asked with his mighty voice "with or without vaseline?" then man stuttered "wi-wi-without" then the man grabbed our house owner and proceeded to pound him two hours straight. dry. the man was mortified and promised himself never to touch that button again.

But, one day when he was exiting the shower, he slipped and accidently pressed the button again BEEB . to his horror the wall opened once more and the same big black man repeated the guestion "with or without vaselin?" this time our man said "WITH vaseline!" BEEB another wall opened and there was another black man almost twice the size of the other black man "HELLO MY NAME IS VASELINE"



Submitted December 22, 2015 at 02:35AM by lobotumi

Apparently beer contains female hormones.

After you drink enough of it, you can neither drive, nor shut the fuck up.



Submitted December 22, 2015 at 04:03AM by MeowMixSong

A woman asked a General in the army the last time he made love to a woman...

The general stood tall and said "1956 ma'am." The woman, taken back by this answer said "1956?! That long?! Let me make your night better..." and the two sauntered away to a private room. The woman began to strip and the two made passionate love for an hour. The woman cuddled up to the army general afterward and said "well, you sure haven't forgotten any thing since 1956...". The general looked at her confused and said "well I sure hope not. It's only 21