Thursday, July 27, 2017

I asked Siri "What do women want?"

My phone has not shut up for the past three days.



Submitted July 27, 2017 at 01:42PM by CherryBlaster

I gave away my old dead batteries to people today....free of charge

No text found

Submitted July 27, 2017 at 05:10PM by Tempox_

I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner

It's just collecting dust



Submitted July 27, 2017 at 05:35PM by tinko1212

Why do fish live in salt water?

Because pepper water makes them sneeze



Submitted July 27, 2017 at 04:20PM by optionalsilence

A girl realizes that she has grown hair between her legs

She gets worried and asks her mom about that hair. Her mom calmly says, "That part where the hair has grown is called your monkey. Be proud that your monkey has grown hair." The girl smiled. At dinner, she tells her sister, "My monkey has grown hair." Her sister smiles and says, "That’s nothing; mine is already eating bananas."



Submitted July 27, 2017 at 01:20PM by Rickshawalli

A woman asks a man - "do you drink beer?"...

Man: Yeah.

Woman: How many beers a day?

Man: Usually about 3.

Woman: How much do you pay per beer?

Man: $5.00, including the tip.

Woman: And how long have you been drinking?

Man: About 20 years, I suppose.

Woman: So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5400 …correct?

Man: Correct.

Woman: If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct?

Man: Correct.

Woman: Do you know that if you didn't drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?

Man: Do you drink beer?

Woman: No.

Man: What color is your Ferrari?



Submitted July 27, 2017 at 11:22AM by StaticTaco

Two men were arrested for stealing a calendar.

They both got six months.



Submitted July 27, 2017 at 01:15PM by catch22milo